the conversation handbook - troy fawkes · the conversation handbook 1 chapter 1 introduction i...

THE CONVERSATION HANDBOOK

THE CONVERSATION

HANDBOOK How to Survive Conversations

Small Talk & Bad Jokes

By Troy “Fawkes” Boileau


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Copyright © 2015 Troy Boileau

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be

used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever

without the written permission of the Publisher.

Distributed from Canada. For information,

address [email protected].

FIRST EDITION


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ACKNOLWEDGEMENTS

I’ve been told to look back on my life and appreciate the

great things that I’ve done. That’s a wonderful feeling. But

even better and more awe inspiring is to look back and

attribute lessons, achievements and adventures to the

people around me.

This book would not have been possible without my

extensive network of mentors and friends over the years

who helped me become successful socially and

conversationally.

I’d like to thank Joseph Procer and Adnan Awadi for

helping me understand myself, appreciate others, and

make small problems out of big ones.

I’d like to thank Dominic Knight and Stuart Saddler for

teaching me about my limitations, most importantly the

ones I didn’t actually have, and for teaching me how

powerful my mind truly can be.

I’d like to thank Jeremy Bonney, Daniel Asher and (just)

Jeff for helping me understand and appreciate the women


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in my life more, which leads me to happy and passionate

relationships.

I learned a lot about how to apply social skills in the

professional environment from Sarah Doughty, Alex

Rascanu and Dev Basu. You’ve all made me rich in

knowledge, friendship and experience. And pay checks!

I’d also like to thank those excellent long-term friends who I

held as mentors even if they weren’t entirely aware of it.

Rob Peate and Denis Max, you are fantastic role models

and I learned a lot from you. Just don’t let it get to your

heads. Taylor Najjar, you have influenced me for the better

and made me more aware of the depth of others. You’re

also a fantastic editor!

I’d like to thank Andrew Barnett, Tyler Savoy (also one of

my amazing editors!) and Martin Desjardins for the clarity

and uniqueness of many of the ideas presented herein.

This would have been a joint project if I could have

seduced you away from your already exciting lives!

Finally I’d like to acknowledge the patience and unending

trust of my mother, Janet Jung; my father, Jean Boileau;

my sister, Melanie Boileau; my aunts, Barbara Hayduk—

who, years ago bought me a beautiful pen and encouraged

me to write—and Carol Gudz; my friends, and my

wonderful girlfriend for putting up with my silly dreams that

often seem to pull me away from what a normal person

might have considered a successful life.

Thank you all!


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DEDICATION

To Jean Hayduk, my grandmother, who is the wisest and

most faithful friend I can imagine, even when I’m miles

away and forget to call...


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CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

I read a story about a soldier who had gone on a tour of

duty. It went as well as you might imagine; violence, stress,

camaraderie and death. I remember trying to ignore the

awfulness of what he must have gone through just so I

could finish his story.

There are career soldiers, but this gentleman wasn’t one of

them. He was excited to come back. He wanted a desk

job, or a construction job, or pretty much anything that

didn’t involve watching people he cared about get hurt. He

didn’t want to be obligated to kill other human beings.

He figured that he’d love to see his old friends. It’d be a

good way to get back into things, a pub night with

everyone he grew up with, drinking buddies, folks from

sports teams he played for, old co-workers who had

common interests, even a couple family members.

The soldier showed up at the pub a bit early. Personally

I’ve done the homecoming thing a couple of times and it’s

fantastic to see the faces of people you care so much

about. It’s even better when you realize how much they’ve


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changed and what kinds of new stories they have to tell.

He must have been thinking the same thing while waiting

for the 20 or so people he had invited to show up.

But an hour later, they still hadn’t arrived. After two hours,

he went home.

The next day, instead of finding a nice job and settling

back into the life that he knew that he wanted, he signed

up for another tour of duty. He went back to the violence,

stress and death. Because he felt that was preferable to

what he didn’t have and couldn’t survive back home.

I sat there, after having read the gentleman’s story. I

thought about the fact that he felt so fundamentally unable

to cope with people, people who he needed in his life, that

he went back to something that he hated. Went back to

something intrinsically awful. What I wouldn’t give to

provide him with the tools he needs to get what he wants

out of life.

Problems like this aren’t always as dramatic. Sometimes

it’s just a matter of wanting to be something greater. The

challenge is that social skills aren’t something you learn in

school. There’s no textbook.

For example, I went to a different University than all of my

high school friends. I didn’t know a single person, didn’t

live on campus, and had been out of the country for Frosh

Week. When I was on campus, I wanted to be part of the

group amiably welcoming their friends to seats and talking

about plans for the weekend. I wanted to chill with the two

guys up front chatting about a video game that I played

too. I wanted girls to notice me.


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More recently, one of my old co-workers moved from our

young, vibrant and social office full of people who had the

same challenges as him, to a huge organization where he

worked more or less alone. His companions were generally

ten or twenty years his senior. He went from having great

friendships at work to needing to find that social fulfilment

elsewhere, because his office was now just a workplace.

Then everyone’s favourite question struck him, “How do I

make friends?”

I recently spoke with a school teacher in Peru who, despite

being incredibly social, didn’t have any friends. “How do

you meet people in a new city?” He asked, adding that it

was hard to concentrate on anything else until he knew

he’d have people to spend time with.

I get it. It sucks to be alone.

What I’d like, more than anything in the world, is for you to

be able to feel like you have control over your social

life. That you are or can become who you want to be.

You should be confident that, when you speak with

someone, they’ll like you and understand you. People

should feel better when they’re around you; they should

think about you when inviting folks to a party, movie night

or private dinner. You should be able to have deep,

rewarding conversations without feeling anxiety or worrying

about what to say. You should feel confident that you’re a

valuable, enjoyable presence with strangers, friends,

family, co-workers, and romantic partners.

Did you know that there are entire fields of psychology and

therapy dedicated to improving your communication skills?

Those same folks have tied your social competence to


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your ability to achieve academically, professionally and

emotionally.1 These experts have created training

programs that try to correct and improve on your

behaviours.

Studies on the success of close to a hundred of these

programs show that, “modelling, coaching, behavioural

rehearsal, role play, feedback and reinforcement of skill

usage,” included in those training programs produced

improvements in the same social skills that get you high

grades, a big pay check and a calm demeanour.2

Many of these evidence-based programs are targeted at

youth and children, but I’m hoping to provide the tools for

adults to grow and succeed.

This book is based on the same concepts as the books

targeted at youth. The goal is to stick as close to the

science as possible while leaving wiggle room for you to

explore some of the habits and behaviours of successful

conversationalists in various spheres, from the pub to the

cottage to the board room.

Consider the book to be a gym where every wall is lined

with equipment for your mind. Pick it up when you’re

feeling anxious. Pick it up when you’re feeling motivated.

It’s just sitting here, waiting for you to begin.

1 Coie et al., 1995; Elliott, Malecki, & Demaray, 2001; Roff, Sells, & Golden, 1972 2 Gresham, 1981, 1985; McIntosh, Vaughn, & Zaragoza, 1991


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CHAPTER 2

GRADE THYSELF

I hated tests in school. They were one of the few things

that I couldn’t hide from, and the grades were generally a

good reflection of whether or not I knew what was going on

in the class. Tests forced me out of my comfort zone. They

gave me an absolute truth that I couldn’t avoid, generally in

in the form of a letter or a number.

So, given my hatred for tests, I’d never force one on you,

right?

Uh. Well, here’s the thing…

If you’re at all like me, you don’t even know what’s wrong

with your conversation skills. You just feel like they could

be better. And as much fun as it is to try random and

frequently embarrassing things like having a screaming

conversation with a friend across a street, which I definitely

never did, it’s much quicker to just figure out what exactly

is wrong and fix it.

So before we move forward, we’re going to be using a

variation of the National Communication Association’s


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conversational skills rating scale, slightly modified for the

self-assessment of adults.

The ratings are a simple scale from 1 to 5:

1. INADEQUATE (awkward, disruptive, or results in a negative impression of communicative skills)

2. FAIR (occasionally awkward or disruptive, occasionally adequate)

3. ADEQUATE (sufficient but neither noticeable nor excellent. Produces neither strong positive nor negative impression)

4. GOOD (better than adequate but not outstanding)

5. EXCELLENT (smooth, controlled, results in positive impression of communicative skills)

Go through the whole score sheet and grade yourself.

Don’t imagine the best conversation you ever had while

grading, just consider how you normally behave in

conversation. Be more critical than lenient.

Metric Definition Score

Do you speak

too quickly or

slowly?

Give yourself a five if your speaking rate varies based on

emotion and the context of conversation to help convey the

meaning and add some spice to the conversation. In no

situation should you be rushing to get a message out, and

your speaking partner should clearly understand and be able

to respond to all of what you say.

Do you speak

fluently, with no

hindrances?

A five goes to someone who speaks without struggling to find

a word, without stuttering, omitting entire words or parts of

thought, repeating words (the.. the bear...), or using

noticeable filler words (um, ah, like, you know).


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Metric Definition Score

Do you speak

confidently,

trusting your

words?

To get a five, your voice shouldn't shake or break pitch, and

you should naturally avoid a monotone. You shouldn't sound

like you're asking a question when you're not, and you

shouldn’t frequently validate your statements, "right?" You

should be able to describe your voice as composed, firm,

assertive and relaxed.

Are you

articulate?

Top points for enunciating your words fluidly, and being

confident (and capable) in your choice of words to express

yourself meaningfully.

Do you vary

your voice to

help express

your meaning?

A five goes to someone who varies their speech using

volume, tempo (speeding up when excited, for example),

pausing and rhythm, stretching and shrinking words, and

gestures. This should be a fairly regular, ingrained habit to

get a five.

Are you too loud

or too quiet?

To get a five, it should be easy to hear you in a crowded

room without leaning in, but you shouldn't be distracting to

people nearby in a quiet environment. If you notice that

people who speak the same dialect as you, especially family

or close, long-term friends, ask you to repeat yourself

regularly, you definitely have a problem here. A five is

generally someone who speaks a small bit louder than

necessary.

How is your

posture?

To get a five, you should almost never be in a safe posture

(covering stomach, breasts, crotch, etc.), and have a relaxed,

open posture. While you can lean back while sitting, or lean

while standing in informal situations, to get a perfect score for

posture you should avoid those behaviours in formal

situations. Measure yourself against, "How does my most

confident self stand or sit in this situation?"


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CHAPTER 3

GOALS & BELIEFS

In the social skills realm, having the right goals and

beliefs sets you above the majority of other

conversationalists.

I’m not suggesting that you need to be able to think

positively (or whatever it is we do for motivation these

days) in order to learn to speak better. I’m telling you that

there are tangible benefits to actively working on your

goals and beliefs.

Why?

We passively affect every social situation we’re in. Without saying anything you can calm others, excite or inspire them. The body language used to communicate this follows your mindset and beliefs.

Our goals and beliefs affect every aspect of our conversation. Humans react well to gifts; Robert Cialdini showed that a free coke could get an immediate response worth three times the dollar value of the gift3. But he also showed that the same effect

3 Influence, Robert Cialdini


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stopped applying to the Hare Krishnas handing out flowers at the airport and asking for donations, because people realized that the monks’ explicit goals were to abuse this human psychological trait to get donations. There are no tricks that will make you a good conversationalist without these goals and beliefs.

The stereotypes of those with strong goals and beliefs are that they’re pillars of society, capable people, and worthy to be followed and praised. It’s not a bad category to be in.

This chapter is going to address your goals in conversation

as well as how to identify and alter your overarching

beliefs. Not whether you think there’s a God or what the

nature of Good and Evil are, but your beliefs about yourself

and others as they relate to conversation and empathizing

with people.

The following chapter presents some beliefs that I hold to

be valuable to any conversationalist or person who would

like to become more empathetic and understanding.

Before we get right into it, though, I want you to decide

right now to actively and clearly choose goals and beliefs

that match your ideal self. And choose only those. Let no

others slip through.

There is no shame in looking at yourself and deciding that

who you are is not who you want to be.

An alcoholic arguing that they are who they are because

it’s their nature has the exact same logical grounding as

someone arguing that they’re shy because that’s intrinsic

to who they are.

Just ask yourself, “Who do I aspire to be?”


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CHAPTER 5

7 TIPS TO POWERFUL

CONVERSATIONS

I like the concept of a cost of entry. A set of rules and

guidelines that defines whether or not I can call myself a

citizen, conversationalist, or friend. It makes me feel as if

there’s a standard to meet just to participate in what I might

have taken for granted.

No longer can I say, “If you can’t handle me at my worst,

you don’t deserve me at my best.” Because one of the

costs of entry to being a friend or employee is to not be a

jerk just because I’m in a shitty mood. I may not razzle and

dazzle, but I’ll wire the corners of my lips up and try to

laugh at your jokes. Otherwise, I’m failing. Otherwise I

haven’t paid the cost of entry, and I’m not a real friend.

This might sound disingenuous, but it’s not. If I’m spending

time with a friend and I’m in an awful mood, what has

gotten me into that mood will be the topic of conversation.

But once we’ve passed that topic, it would be cruel of me

to subject my friend to my negativity. Instead, I will actively

make an effort to change my focus to something else.


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Making that effort is the important distinction, whether I

achieve it or not.

There’s also a bare minimum, a cost of entry, to having

conversations. These rules aren’t for making you a

fantastic speaker. They’re just the cost of entry.

Tip 1: Be Direct and Responsible

with your Meaning Someone has probably told you to be confident when you

speak. But confidence is a magical word that holds a little

too much meaning in it to be useful. It also seems like it

would be a hard characteristic to learn.

Let’s expose the root of spoken confidence and use a

simple parallel to learn how to show it. Specifically, let’s

look at how confident writers demonstrate confidence by

being direct and owning their message, as well as some

common pitfalls.

“With the passive voice, the writer usually

expresses fear of not being taken seriously; it’s

the voice of little boys wearing shoe polish

moustaches and little girls clumping around in

Mommy’s high heels.”

Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the

Craft

The passive voice is when something was done. So,

“The hotdog was eaten.”

Notice how, even though I’ve still eaten the hotdog, I’m not

in the story anymore? If I wanted to tell someone that I had


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eaten their hotdog but I didn’t want to take responsibility for

it, I might use the passive voice. “Sorry buddy, your hotdog

was eaten.”

The active voice is when someone does something. An

example is, “I ate the hotdog.” That’s a hell of a lot clearer.

It takes responsibility for the action. I did it. And it was a

damn good hot dog.

At its simplest, this form of communication is what we’re

aiming for.

Can you see the parallel between someone writing in the

passive voice and how someone teetering on the verge of

confidence might speak?

Say they’re upset that you’re talking over them, but they

don’t want to confront you directly. They’ll likely do

everything they can to avoid the simple, clear, active voice.

They’ll use the passive voice. They’ll throw in extra or

overly formal words. They’ll imply their meaning in such a

way that they can deny their statement.

X “It’s upsetting to people when you speak over them.”

X “I’d appreciate more conformity to social norms.”

X “It would be nice if everyone could contribute.”

The message is more or less the same. Stop talking over

me. What makes it sound cowardly and unsure is the

avoidance of directness and responsibility.

Clear, powerful, confident speech is direct and takes

responsibility for its meaning.

Your meaning is going to be the same whether you

obscure it or not. The only thing obscuring your speech.


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CHAPTER 6

CONVERSATION GAMES

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend

asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I

made a few mistakes.'”

Steven Wright

Besides Steven Wright, not a lot of stand-up comics tell

conventional jokes. Those one liners that are easily shared

with friends or at the office. It’s one of those weird

misconceptions people have, even when they’ve listened

to comedians multiple times. If you’re funny, you must be

able to tell a joke.

To make you laugh, comedians don’t just tell jokes–they

tell stories. Likewise, to connect, great conversationalists

don’t just talk–they play games. You don’t go out to meet

friends because you need to hear what they have to say.

You go out to have a good time and the words are just part

of the experience.

The games that I’m going to share in this chapter fit into

almost any part of conversation. In small talk, you may


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want to use the Rule of Threes to get a laugh. While

listening to someone, you might want to break the tension

by teasing. When you’re telling a story you might throw in a

state break to catch people’s attention. When someone

asks what do for work, you might lie first because it’s just

more fun.

These games are the flair that make small talk, listening

and sharing dynamic and exhilarating.

I’ve snuck some of my other favourite games into later

chapters where they make more sense in context, such as

Easter Eggs and Making Assumptions, so make sure to try

out any other games you discover along the way as well.

These will not all work for you, especially not right away.

Try them and see. And come up with your own. I’m sure if

one were properly motivated they could dedicate an entire

extremely captivating book on the topic.

Tease Teasing is gently bothering a friend about a superficial

situation or mistake. The objective is to get a little bit of a

rise out of them, though it also helps sensitive people

laugh at simple mistakes when done correctly.

After watching a friend trip over a curb, “I understand that you have 25 years of experience walking, but you’re failing the practical portion of this interview.”

Narrating as a friend in heels navigates erratic terrain, “behold the agile mountain goat in her natural habitat.”

A friend struggles to get out some words, “it’s OK, talking is hard.” This one works for pretty much every


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simple task—combing your hair is hard, typing is hard, etc.

“I’m assuming that you have some kind of profit sharing with this place,” to the friend that chose a seedy bar to drink at.

“Oh sure, throw shit everywhere,” in an exaggerated tone and a big smile to a friend who dropped their cutlery.

I follow a couple simple rules when I’m teasing.

Pick very small mistakes or superficial situations to tease, such as wearing mismatched socks or sneezing in the middle of someone else’s story. “Oh I’m sorry, did you have something to add?” If the mistake or situation seems close to something that will bother the person, don’t tease them. Figuring out where that line is comes with practice, so push your comfort zone but pay a lot of attention to people’s reactions.

Tease off of a theme, not a specific person. My friend doesn’t suck at walking, it’s just that walking is hard. You might be able to get away with, “having a blonde moment?” But you will rightly be kicked out of the room if you say, “You are stupid because you’re blonde.” The theme is the separation here, removing a personal insult.

Always tease from a positive state. If you’re upset at the person or annoyed by the mistake, don’t tease them. If you think teasing someone will make others like you more, don’t tease that person. If you feel like the target of the tease will enjoy it, then it’s ok to tease them.

The quick trick to building a tease on the fly is:

1. Identify a mistake, e.g. not saying bless you when you sneeze.


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CHAPTER 7

SMALL TALK

Many people I know, even fairly confident socialites, are

uncomfortable with small talk.

Some common problems are:

Hating or being scared of small talk

Getting past small talk into a real conversation

Running out of conversation topics

“I’m just not good at small talk.”

Let’s burn right through these, because small talk is a lot

easier than you might think.

Why Do We Hate Small Talk? It feels like it sits somewhere between wasting time and

blatantly lying about how we feel. I’ll ask you about the

weather because I think I’m being polite, but I swear to god

if you start talking about the rain this weekend I’m going to

knock you out.


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CHAPTER 8

LISTEN ACTIVELY

“You can make more friends in two months by

becoming genuinely interested in other people

than you can in two years trying to get people

interested in you.”

Dale Carnegie

If you’re like I was when I first got involved in conversation

skills, you’re probably thinking, “I don’t need help listening.

I need help talking. Listening is easy.” You might want to

be the star, to have people stand in awe of your social

skills.

Well, a good conversationalist isn’t the singer or the lead

guitarist. They’re the master of ceremonies, the stage

manager, and the event organizer all rolled into one. For

them, it’s not about being the star. It’s about improving the

ambience, being inclusive, choosing the topic and

motivating their best entertainers.


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CHAPTER 9

SHARE YOURSELF

As much as I like to talk about the importance of listening,

you have a very active role in conversation.

In small talk, you might even spend more time talking than

a shy partner, just to move the conversation along. When

you’re connecting with someone through active listening,

you’ll need to be willing to share as much as your

conversation partners. And people will always ask you

questions.

So how do you go about sharing yourself—your ideas,

passions and stories—with others?

We’re going to cover three major areas:

1. Easter Eggs

2. Story Telling

3. And Mastery Topics


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CHAPTER 10

KILLING MONOTONY

Let’s put our training wheels on for a moment and go back

to the very first time mom showed us a word to read. We

learned to enunciate every syllable, and gradually moved

towards whole sentences. It was a struggle to attach

sounds to what was more or less a drawing to us at the

time, so it took all of our focus just to get the sounds out.

That’s kind of what we revert to when we’re nervous or

uncomfortable. Some of us are guarded in every social

situation. We’ve learned that people can be cruel, or that

our voice can betray us. Showing emotion or investment in

what we’re saying can get us in trouble, so we don’t.

We just focus on getting the words out.

“I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as

some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin' else.”4

You probably read that in your head without any special

enunciation. You paused a bit at the commas and

4 From Dazed and Confused


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respected the colloquialism of “somethin’” instead of

“something.” But that’s about it, everything else was a dull

monotone.

But it’s an interesting sentence. So we’re going to play with

it a little bit and see if we can make it sound just as

meaningful as possible.

Volume First off, what are the words in the sentence that hold the

most meaning? To me, they’re “quit” and “insignificant.”

“I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as

some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin' else.”

Let’s try to make these words stand out using the volume

of our speech. Read the sentence again while keeping the

same pace as before but this time increasing your volume

for the bolded words. Repeat this two or three times until

you’re comfortable.

Now try the same exercise, but this time speak quieter

than normal for every other word in the sentence, and raise

your voice for the bolded ones. Do this two or three times.

The impact should be even greater.

If you’d like, repeat the same two exercises but use a

quieter speaking voice for the bolded words and louder for

the non-bolded ones. Personally I think this makes you

sound like Al Pacino in the Godfather, but it works.

What we’re doing is using volume for emphasis. The

method was to choose a couple of words that deserved to

be prioritized in the sentence and then we used one tactic,


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