December 2010Issue 3, Volume 19

The The Child AdvocateChild Advocate

CommunicatingWith Your Kids

Communicating With High-Tech Kids

Guide to Communicating With Teens

Teaching Kids to Speak Up For Themselves

10 Tips for Better Family Communication

Improving Your Listening Skills

The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 98466-6215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers.

Scott Allen, Washington State PTA PresidentBill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director

Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor

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Contents

Website: www.wastatepta.org

Email: wapta@wastatepta.org

Phone: (253) 565-2153 or

1-800-562-3804

Fax: (253) 565-7753

a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication

Washington State PTA

2003 65th Avenue West

Tacoma, WA 98466-6215

Springtime Date to Be Determined

Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Washington State PTA postponed the Emerging Minority Leaders Conference that was scheduled for Saturday, November 13, 2011 to a yet-to-be-determined day next spring. We apologize for any inconvenience resulting from this decision.

Child AdvocateThe VISION: “Making every child’s potential a reality.”

MISSION: PTA is:n A powerful voice for all children,n A relevant resource for families and communities, andn A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child.

The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by• Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; • Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; • Encouraging parent*, teacher, student and community involvement; • Promoting opportunities for positive outcomes for children; and • Being a financially stable, well-managed organization that promotes diversity, provides quality service, models best practices and values its members and employees.

*Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.

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Focus Day in Olympia February 21, 2011

(President’s Day)

Join us for Focus Day as we rally on the Capitol steps and meet with legislators and staff, leave

notes, receive updates from policy-makers on keyissues and network with other PTA advocates.

PTA volunteer advocates can make a difference when they come to the Capitol in large numbers!

Kids today are connected to one another unlike any previous genera-tion. Between social networking websites and texting on cell phones, kids today are in constant contact with one another. However, some-times despite all of these connections, they can feel alone and unnoticed.

There are several contributing factors which lead some kids to feel isolated. First, while kids may have many “friends” on their social net-working sites, these “friends” may not even know each other personally. Second, as kids spend more and more time texting, emailing and posting status reports online, they are spending less time building meaningful relationships through face-to-face interaction. Finally, with the nature of social media, which encourages posting photos and updates on daily activities, kids who are not invited to get-togethers are very much aware of the fun things they are missing out on.

What Can Parents Do?

n Give Social Networking Guidelines. “Friends” in online social networking sites should be people the kids actually know and talk to in real life. Students should also think before they post something. Does it sound disrespectful or like they are bragging? Is this something they would actually say to people in real life? Tell your kids not to post photos from a party (or discuss the party on social networking sites) unless they have invited all of their friends to attend. If students want to share photos on these sites, then they should set that particular photo album to a privacy setting in which only select individuals may view the photos and comment on them.

n Teach Email Etiquette. Kids like to text their friends using abbreviations and incomplete sentences, but when they email they should use complete sentences. Emails should be brief, but generally contain

The Child Advocate, December 2010 3

Communicating With High-Tech Kids

more complete information than text messages. Students need to get in a habit of writing good emails because they will be communicating with their co-workers, employers and clients someday using this form of com-munication.

n Tips for Texting and Cell Phones. As a rule of thumb, if a child needs to give bad news to someone, it should be handled face-to-face, not via text message. Require your students turn off their cell phones when they are driving. Students should also stay off their phones when they are at a restaurant, in line at a store, during school hours, or while they are baby-sitting or working. It is impolite to text or talk on the cell phone while a person is interacting with someone face-to-face.

n Parents are Role Models. Be a good role model for your children by turning off your cell phone when you are driving. Similarly, avoid answering the cell phone or texts during dinner time or when you are interacting with your children. Remember that children pay more attention to what their parents do than what they say, so if parents want their kids to be responsible and polite cell phone users, then the parents need to model those good habits.

n Monitor Your Children’s Cell Phone Use. If your child’s cell phone bill doesn’t provide a detailed list of how many calls and texts were made and when those calls and texts were made, check with the carrier to determine if you can view this information online. If you note that texts and calls are being made during school hours or late at night, when the student should be sleeping, then take corrective action. An-other means of monitoring your children's cell phone usage is to review past texts. Inform your children when they receive their cell phones that you will review their texts periodically and that they need to be respon-sible with what they text so they don't loose their cell phone privileges.

n Make Time for Low-Tech Communication. The advances in technology have changed the way our teens communicate with one another and their parents. They may text parents for a ride or to find out what’s for dinner, but as parents, we need to recognize that they still really need us to be present for them in real life. Make time to talk to them face-to-face about what’s going on in their lives on a deeper level. Also open up your home for your children’s friends to enjoy shared expe-riences. Today’s kids may be constantly connected with one another, but it’s that face-time when they are actually doing something together that helps them feel they are cared for.

Teach Kids the Art of Good Communication

n Talking on the phone. Most kids prefer to text each other, rather than use the phone, but it is essential that your child still learn good phone skills. Take some time to teach your kids how to greet one

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine4

another on the phone, engage in pleasant small talk by answering ques-tions with more than one word and engaging the other person in the conversation by asking appropriate questions, how to state their need (the reason for their call) after exchanging a pleasant greeting, and how to end the call with a kind word or two before saying good-bye.

n Communicating face-to-face. Kids need to learn how to hold a conversation in person with their peers or with adults. Explain the need to take turns talking without interrupting, the importance of eye-to-eye contact, and paying attention to their tone of voice and facial expres-sions.

n Online communications. Encourage kids to think before they post something online or before they send a text or instant message. Your kids need to consider safety issues as well as what the post may be saying about them. Is it safe to post an update saying they are home alone? Do their comments come across as being arrogant or self-centered? Texts or comments posted online may be intended as witty, but on a second read-ing they may be misinterpreted and in fact be hurtful. Encourage your children to have that second reading before they hit the ‘send’ button.

Safety Considerations for Our High-Tech Kids

n Spams and pop-ups. Have a conversation with your kids about how you want them to handle spam emails and pop-ups. For example, don’t click on pop-ups or emails that could direct them to sexually ex-plicit sites. Never download games or pictures without a parent’s permis-sion.

n Keep computer screen visible. Wireless connections, laptops and new technology is making this more difficult, but screens should always been kept visible for any family member who walks by.

n Set rules. Never give out identifying information. Limit theamount of time kids can spend online. Never arrange a face-to-facemeeting with someone they met online without your parentspresent. Don’t respond to threatening, sexual, or harassing messages.Never give out a password, even to a friend.

n Avoid cyber-bullying and report it to a responsible adult:

n Explain to your kids how you want them to behave in a chat room and in their text messages and emails.

n If they see cyber-bullying happening, instruct them never to engage in this behavior.

n Instruct your children not to respond to threatening, sexual, or harassing messages.

n Encourage them to come to you when cyber-bullying is hap-pening to themselves or others.

Maintaining Relationships in the Real World

n Our kids growing up in a high tech world have gotten used to “faster and easier”as a general rule of what’s best, but real rewarding relationships take some effort and time. Spend time together to develop a close personal relationship with your children so they can feel secure both emotionally and physically.

n Build experiences together through family dinners, vacations and just having a movie-night together on your sofa. Kids may not tell you that they need these things, but they are essential for their well-being. n

5The Child Advocate, December 2010

Chances are that if you are a parent of a teenager or pre-teen, you have noticed a few changes in your conversations (or lack of) at home. Parents often feel unwelcome in the lives of their teens and many things their teen says and does seem to reinforce that feeling. However, teens still need their parents to be involved in their lives. Following are a few tips for parents of teens:

Get the conversations going.

Teens often would prefer not to discuss their day with parents when they get home from school. This is normal. To get the conversations going, consider going shopping together, playing basketball or doing something together that your teen enjoys. Take your teen to lunch or coffee and make a special one-on-one time together with nothing else to do but enjoy each other’s company. Eventually at some point during this time, your teen will likely open up about what is going on in her life.

Try some conversation starters, such as: talking about current events, dis-cussing opinions about issues; using TV shows or movies as springboard to talk about issues; discussing sports; sharing your childhood experienc-es or family traditions. Other ideas to help break the ice: invite your teen to come to work with you and learn about what you do; let your teen

Guide to Communicating with Teens

help plan your next family vacation; and encourage your teen to teach you something that you don’t know how to do on your computer.

Sometimes walking the dog together in the evening, playing a video game or sharing a hobby will help your teen connect with you as well.

Prepare to be rejected and tested.

Many teens reject their parents at some time or another. They may not want their parents to be seen at school, or at their football game or drama produc-tion. If this is the case, agree that you will stay out of their sight and won’t speak to them at their events, but that you will be going. Parents need to stay in touch with what is going on in their children’s lives, even if the children don’t appreciate it at the time.

Your teen may also test your limits of the use of the family car, drinking

alcohol, or coming home past curfew. It is important to be consistent and remain firm in your family rules.

The three rules of communicating with teens.

n Listen without judgement or criticism. Never belittle his problems, place blame, or comment on your child’s character, instead help him consider options and possible consequences. If a teen knows his parents haven’t made him feel attacked when he has approached them in the past, he is more likely to come to his parents to help him look for a solution to problems in the future.

n Try to understand your child’s feelings. For example, if she gets sassy with you, instead of getting angry, tell her that you understand that she is frustrated and try to get to what’s behind the frustration that’s leading to the sassy attitude.

n Model good communication. If your mode of communication is respectful and you don’t loose control, your teen is more likely to learn these good communication skills. Above all, value communication with them, so when they are ready to open up to you, then you are willing, ready and able to be there for them. n

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n Blame it on the parents response. If kids know they shouldn’t do something, but they don’t know how to get out of it, then they can always blame it on you. Encourage them to use you as an excuse if they can’t think of anything else.

n Just say “no” approach. If the pressure keeps coming, and the other techniques aren’t working, then encourage your child to remove herself from that person or group of people. Some people won’t take any excuse, and will keep putting the pressure on. In those situations, a “no and go” approach is the only thing that will keep her safe.

Managing Conflicts

Sometimes children need high-pressure communication skills to resolve a conflict that has nothing to do with their personal safety. Sometimes friends just disagree or have a different perspective. Kids can think inde-pendently without loosing friendships.

Kids can acknowledge another person’s opinions, while at the same time, maintain their own ideas of what they believe. There is no need to be

We cannot always be there when our kids are facing a potentially dangerous situation. Parents can help their children by preparing them to think on their feet and communicate effectively when they are feeling threatened or pressured.

The most important thing parents can do to help their children stand up for themselves is to provide a healthy, nurturing family life for your children. Spend time with them. Talk to them. Be involved in their education. Complement them when they work hard, make a good deci-sion, or share nicely with others. Children who have a good sense of self-esteem are better able to manage conflicts, make good decisions, and resist negative peer pressure.

Consider the safety issues that your child may deal with as she grows up: Pressure to drink or do drugs, engage in sexual activities, ride in a car as a passenger when the driver has been drink-ing. What would your daughter do if she was approached by someone at the mall claiming to be a photographer and telling her that she could be a model? What would your son do if he saw some boys harassing another boy in the locker room? Talk to your kids about possible safety decisions they may encounter as they grow up.

Teaching Refusal Skills

Kids don’t have to go along with what others are telling them. They need to be prepared to speak with boldness and con-viction and possibly be prepared to be ridiculed or have someone try to talk them into something they don’t want to do. Encourage your children to be courageous. When children feel their peers are trying to pressure them into something that they are not comfortable with, encourage them to try some different techniques to avoid this negative peer pressure:

n Matter-of-fact response. Encourage your child to tell his friends that he doesn’t want to do something because he doesn’t believe it’s the right thing to do.

n Sandwich approach. A little softer than the matter-of-fact response, is the sandwich approach. A child can start with an “I like being around you” type of approach, then follow with an “I don’t want to do that” type of statement, then end with a “Hopefully, we can do something else together tomorrow” type of conclusion.

n Funny approach. For those kids who tend to be bit more come-dic, they might be able to laugh at the situation and tell a funny joke or do something funny to change to subject.

Teaching Kids to Speak Up for Themselves

7The Child Advocate, December 2010

10 Parenting Tips For Better Family Communication

1. Model good communication habits. Congratulate others when they’ve done something well. Say ‘I’m sorry,’ when you make a mistake. Say ‘Thank you,’ when someone has done something nice for you.

2. Take a time out. It’s always easier to communicate when you are not in a bad mood or angry about something. If you find yourself in an emotional state, explain that you need time to cool off and reflect so you can discuss the matter later.

3. Be positive. Not only will you be easier to listen to, you will communicate more effec-tively when you are more optimistic. Resist the temptation to become negative, upset or resentful.

4. Be empathetic. Try to see the other side of the story or a dif-ferent point of view. Accept that there is usually more than one right answer or approach. Try to understand the other person’s feelings or motivations.

5. Encourage discussion. Share your experiences and your values and viewpoints. Ask for your children’s opinions. If your chil-dren disagree with you, encourage a healthy debate and discussion by not shutting them down, but by calmly discussing the pros and cons to both sides of an issue.

6. Keep lines of communication open. Refrain from mak-ing judgments or lecturing. Communicate with your children the way you would communicate with your best friend: with respect, compas-sion, and love.

7. Listen more than you talk. Try to understand the whole pic-ture. Don’t interrupt. Ask questions to gain a better understanding.

8. Give authentic praise. Praise is most effective when it is spe-cific and well-deserved. “I was proud of how well you learned your lines and how well you delivered them in the play. You worked really hard and it showed.”

9. Make time. Sometimes our kids want to talk when it’s not a good time for us and sometimes their problems seem trivial, but by making time for them, you convey that they matter to you.

10. Watch the non-verbal communication. Your actions can speak louder than your words. If you are telling the kids you’d like to hear about their day, but you keep looking at the clock or you don’t stop read-ing your newspaper while they are talking to you, then you are not con-veying the message that you are interested in hearing about their day. n

rude, insensitive or aggresive when managing conflicts. Kids who have a strong sense of who they are, what they believe in and what they are comfortable with have an easier time standing up for themselves.

When children are faced with a situation where they need to provide some critical feedback to a friend, encourage them to first find some-thing good to say, then carefully frame the criticism so that it’s worded as an “I” statement rather than a “you” statement, then follow up with another positive comment. For example, rather than saying, “You shouldn’t do that because...” say “I don’t feel comfortable when you do that because....”

Making Good Decisions

The more experiences your children have with making decisions, the better they will be able to think for themselves in high-pressure situa-tions. The process of learning to make good decisions starts when kids are young, and with decisions such as: what to wear to school and what to pack in their lunches. As kids get older and show that they can make good choices, they should be given more decisions to make, provided

those decisions are not harmful or compromise family values.

Let your children know when you are dealing with peer pressure and managing conflicts at work. Model your thinking process to them by considering the problem, possible solutions, and what the consequences are for the various courses of action.

Your children may not understand that there are consequences for not making a decision when one is needed. Ignoring a problem will not make it go away. It often makes the problem even more challenging later on. Sometimes not making a decision when one is needed will result in a valuable missed opportunity. If they are unsure whether or not they should do something, then they should not act until they have a chance to weigh their options.

Sooner or later your children will need to face consequences of bad decisions. It is better for them to learn this lesson when they are younger and the stakes are not as high. If a solution fails to solve the problem, be supportive and encourage them to find another solution. n

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Improving Your Listening Skills

Listening involves more than just hearing. It is an essential skill for parents to acquire in developing good communication habits with their children

The Components of Good Listening

n Provide your undivided attention. When children need to talk, do what you need to make time for them. Stop what you are doing and give your children your full attention. If you absolutely can’t get out of a commitment, then set a time later that day as soon as your commitment is done to talk with them about their problems.

n Give kids respect and aim to under-stand. Remember a child’s problem may not seem like much, but it is the world to him, so don’t brush him off when he wants to discuss something. Really try to understand where he is coming from and how he is feeling about the situation.

n Resist the urge to react emotionally. It’s important to let your children know that they can come to you no matter what and that you won’t judge them for whatever they have to say.

n Try not to lecture. As a listener, it’s not your job to fix the problem for the child or give unsolicited advice. This is not to say that parents shouldn’t ever give advice, but only after the child has had a chance to talk and there is an understanding of what lead to the events. Parents can help guide their kids towards discussion of pros and cons of pos-

sible solutions, but kids need to be a part of this process and be active participants in resolving their own problems.

Techniques for Good Listening

When your child tells you something, rephrase it back to her so you can see if you are understanding her correctly. Ask her to correct you if you misunderstood something she said. “If I understand you correctly, you are feeling sad because your friend wanted to play with someone else at recess. Is this right?” Finally, pay attention to your child’s non-verbal communication as this can help you understand how she is feeling about the situation. n