the chair flew through the egg

8/12/2019 The Chair Flew Through the Egg

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The chair flew through the egg-fluid, smashing popular derivations of Higgs-field

isomorphisms with rage. Nothing in life had this power, but nothing in eggs was life; but

eggs were determinate potential life, and chairs were not really things. Roses cackledfrom the chair-tops; the ulag groaned with fried eggs, and nothing could ever sit on a

chair unless the chair were already a chair, which it wouldn!t be until someone sat on it.

"o at, last, would this story run if functional essences were the only essences, thatis, if artifacts were the only things. #ut they are not, and they are not; therefore #ill

ibberton must have said something after being born, or else this story is not about

things, but about might-have-been-sat-upons. $t is not, therefore #ill ibberton saidsomething, and it was not worth having been said.

His speech was probably political% his life was worthless, he thought, because the

&rime 'inister had not prohibited bacon-frying in private. The value of fried bacon, #ill

desperately babbled, lay chiefly in its publici(ed scent, and public scents were publicnostalgia, which enroots all traditional societies, and therefore all societies worth

keeping)

Nothing of #ill!s speech was not worthless, of course; but his speech was

worthless in a way that he was not. $ do not presuppose that everyone is worthwhile,although everyone is; but the story will prove that even a public bacon defender is

worthwhile, and therefore everyone else is too. No story with this didactic ob*ective isworth reading, however, so either this story will not be worth reading, or it will not have

this ob*ective, or #ill will not have said these worthless things, or #ill!s speeches will not

have been worthless, or they will have been worthless but he will not have been. $t islikely that they were worthless and he was not; but he faltered, thinking himself worthless

because of his speech, and went silent as the bacon-defense floated still in everyone!s

ears.

The interlocutors were si+, and doubted #ill!s words. ragello was nicknamed,and his real name was "am; ragello! was an insult his bullying enemies hurled at his ill-

e+ercised frame. #ogman was not a nickname, but #ogman!s nickname was reg; notleast because #ogman! sounded fabricated, and reg sounds like egg, which is theopposite of fabricated because it is pre-faber. Nobody spoke to Helen most of the time,

because her face scowled when it was not praising her son; but nobody listened to her

praise of her son, because #ill often said stupid things that one might have e+pected ascowling mother to unscowl for. This was simply because Helen did the opposite of

what non-Helen did, and scowling at #ill!s words was sufficiently determined by #ill!s

words./ These three interlocutors were inter with #ill and not one another, and so their

relations are comparatively simple.The other three interlocutors formed their own group, with their own associative

and commutative properties; their ringleader was eorg, unfortunately named because he

was born in hana and not northern 0urope, and knew nothing of northern 0uropeancustoms. His airships did not e+ist outside of his mind, but they would have shaded large

portions of hana from gold-seeking sunlight, if he had enough power to build them.

eorg of hana had grown up with 1ennifer of 2ntarctica, nicknamed 1enant! because itsounded sort of like 3ernant and 1ennifer and ant at the same time, none of which things

harmoni(ed, and eorg and the Third of the group hated harmony. The Third was

Russian; his harmonies! were hate-harmonies, like world-destroying discords, but eorg

led him and 1enant effectively enough that the hate-harmonies and the harmonilessness


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harmoni(ed by double negation. eorg!s oneness lived in an orthogonal dimension to his

colleagues; they locuted inter, and sometimes also with #ill.

These people e+isted, but their lives were to end someday; their lives begansomeday, but when was oddly the same in all cases. They had not met, in fact, because

they knew one another had been born within the same millisecond-span; but they had

been, and so their meeting was e+traordinarily astronomically unlikely. They eventhought they had begun at different times, because eorg!s parents were punctual,

#ogman!s were drunk, 1enant!s opposed writing, Helen!s were sad, and ragello!s were

too happy. #ill would have known when he was born, and that the others were born whenhe was born, if he had ever known anything, because if he knew anything then he knew

everything; but he knew nothing, so he didn!t know the group!s simulbirth.

#ill would have predicted the group!s future simuldeath, if he knew something

and everything, and were inclined to speak predictively. #ut his confidence was lowbecause he knew nothing, and he baconed rather than thought, and his baconing

beckoned nobody to listen, and it is difficult to speak really to nobody. 'ostly speakers

to nobody speak to themselves, or od, or 4ostoevsky, but consider actually speaking to

nobody, like the converse of 2vicenna!s floating man./ #ill!s speaking life, therefore,resembled 2ristotle!s sailing, but with no sail, or with a sail but no current and no wind,

and a boat in a plasma sea. ibberton could have been his pseudonym, and othersmocked him for it, but he claimed he plasma-spoke because of his name; this was not

true, but he did not know that it was not true, and he only said that it was not true in a

gibber.#acon, however, was scenting the air; Helen!s uncle, who did not e+ist, was not

cooking it, although he would have, if he had e+isted, and Helen wanted him to, or

someone had mentioned it. The counterfactual uncle does influence the actual world

under a certain mode of analysis, of course, so it will help to name him 5ountclealthough it is not certain that he would have been named 5ountcle if he had actually

e+isted/. #ill did know 5ountcle; the would-have-been-bacon was scenting the

counterfactual air, in fact, and #ill!s actual plasma was simply another world!s water, andtherefore a transmitting, incompressible, arche of 5ountcle!s potentions. Helen really

could sense the potentio5ountcle, but suppressed this through an iron-fisted Reason;

eorg knew gold, and therefore trans-universal beauty, but sorrowed for the shallownessit drowned others in, and kept gold, and therefore potentio5ountcle, only in the sorrowing

cabinet in his mind. ragello thought he saw a possible uncle, but it was not Helen!s, and

it frightened him anyway, because it was black with green horns like an ine+perienced

bull/. 1enant!s name inverted her sensibility, so she structured everything, baconincluded, in a private multidimensional cube that her database-blinded friends nicknamed

1672&; she controlled her cube-traversal, but needed a reason to move on dimension +

instead of y88888888888888, and had none at the moment.Nobody had acted since #ill had spoken. His words meant nothing, but they were

acts; the ne+t instant, then, 1enant breathed, and ragello breathed ne+t, and then Helen,

then eorg, then the Third. #ogman did not breathe until ten second later, because hewas holding his breath, because he was training to eat through his nose, and therefore was

not smelling the bacon. Nobody knew why anyone had acted at any time in history, but

reasoning and doing are mortal enemies, so everyone acted even after breathing. Nobody


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tried to kill #ill, although he might have said so; everybody did not try to kill #ill or

anyone else, e+cept eorg, who tried to kill the #acodemon that had recently flitted past.

or indeed the bacon-smell that #ill had triviali(ed with gibbering was not baconitself, or its sign, but a lying sign, that pointed to a non-bacon, and since only a demon

would point with bacon-sign to non-bacon, the lying sign was a #acodemon necessarily.

4eath came to the #acodemon when #ill accidentally mocked it; the #acodemonscreamed in despair and flew away from their nostrils, and nobody smelled delicious

bacon anymore. #ut a chair flew through the egg-fluid, and nobody blinked, because

functional essences are not essences, and artifacts are not everything; and 1enant saidsomething else, disgusted at #ill and the #acodemon!s mockery.

9ill your mind with stupidity again and $!ll fill your mind with non-stupidity

again::8 shouted 1enant, suspicious of #ill!s gibbering. Helen raised an eyebrow

internally, and tightened a lip e+ternally, and kicked the table aggressively as #ogmanfell asleep; but only eorg drank enough coffee to correct #ill and 1enant both, and he

said%

9our patience is small, in a metaphor; $ hope stupidity fills your network-brain

and replaces all the nodes with non-nodes, leaving edges only and $ hope this thoughtmakes you angry because it makes no sense.


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analysis refused to pronounce on issues of morality, universal or particular, and

ragello!s feelings were neglected. 6nly #ill could know everything, if he knew

anything; but the #acodemon made him know only the non-actual, so he knew nothing,so he knew nothing. 7ifetimes of chair-flight precluded functional-essential predication%

but we have said nothing of #ogman, and his life roughed up the rest, so it is turning-time

to the living #ogman reg.

The # was orious, not for bogging but for boggling a big wrinkle on Riverdown.

His landscape-labors fiddled no music but soil-music, and his parents were eaters ofwhey; their cheeseless lives generated heat and misery but no light, and so the # sought

the gold of hana in eorg!s rich royal realm. #ogs have place in all world-sites, but

hana hated bogs under eorg!s grim gonscience% wherefore the riddling ?icknostril

fought the power of #acodemon for nothing but gold, and not gold, but nothing in hana,but always hana, the land of the wealthiest eorg and the wealthiest ?ing. reg!s

friends hated light, not music; his cousins ate charred gobsmacks of chocolate cherry

warthog, and his hair-follicles dribbled deadly oil-murder, causing baldness but not

#aldiehood. reg #ogman was # and # and therefore erg Nambog, ifbackwardsness is ssensdrawkcab, which it is not, although it could be; therefore # is

not #, and either #ogman is not reg or # is not backwards nor wrong.


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the chair flew through the egg

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