The case of that Bethany The case of that Bethany damedame

It was certainly one of the weirdest cases I've ever worked It was certainly one of the weirdest cases I've ever worked on. I'm still not sure whether I got to the bottom of it, but on. I'm still not sure whether I got to the bottom of it, but hey, I got paid, so who cares?hey, I got paid, so who cares?

It seems there was this little dame, Bethany Houghton. Her It seems there was this little dame, Bethany Houghton. Her mum Elizabeth came into my office one day with some mum Elizabeth came into my office one day with some crackpot story about Bethany falling out with Santa and not crackpot story about Bethany falling out with Santa and not wanting to go to his grotto. Her mum, this Elizabeth dame, wanting to go to his grotto. Her mum, this Elizabeth dame, wanted me to find out why. wanted me to find out why.

"Santa? Don't you mean…" I was interrupted."Santa? Don't you mean…" I was interrupted."Father Christmas?" Elizabeth said. "You don't know kids "Father Christmas?" Elizabeth said. "You don't know kids

these days. Nobody calls him that any more."these days. Nobody calls him that any more."I was about to tell Elizabeth to save herself money and save I was about to tell Elizabeth to save herself money and save

my time and simply ask Bethany why she didn't like going to my time and simply ask Bethany why she didn't like going to Whatever-his-name's grotto. I wasn't interested in no Whatever-his-name's grotto. I wasn't interested in no Christmas case with no kids. But then Elizabeth showed me Christmas case with no kids. But then Elizabeth showed me the colour of her money. Hmm, nice colour, I thought. OK, I the colour of her money. Hmm, nice colour, I thought. OK, I thought, suddenly finding a renewed interest in Christmas thought, suddenly finding a renewed interest in Christmas cases and kids, we'll drag this out as long as this money’s cases and kids, we'll drag this out as long as this money’s colour lasts. So I accepted the case.colour lasts. So I accepted the case.

My first job was to go and interview this youngest daughter My first job was to go and interview this youngest daughter Bethany dame. Easier said than done. I went to their house.Bethany dame. Easier said than done. I went to their house.

"This must be Bethany's room…""This must be Bethany's room…"

……I said to myself when I saw a door with a sign with her I said to myself when I saw a door with a sign with her name on it. I'm intelligent like that, see. But her room name on it. I'm intelligent like that, see. But her room was so full of Bratz that I couldn't find Bethany. was so full of Bratz that I couldn't find Bethany.

I even did a roll-call of I even did a roll-call of all the Bratz. But all the Bratz. But there was no Bethany there was no Bethany in sight.in sight.

Either this Bethany Either this Bethany dame was hiding or dame was hiding or she'd made herself she'd made herself scarce. I did find her scarce. I did find her two sisters in the two sisters in the house, though. house, though. Rachael and Nichola. Rachael and Nichola. Rachael said she Rachael said she didn't know what their didn't know what their mum was on about.mum was on about.

"Beth's big on Santa," Rachael said. Nichola said,"Beth's big on Santa," Rachael said. Nichola said,

““If the truth be If the truth be known, Bethany known, Bethany still loves going to still loves going to the grotto as much the grotto as much as we did when we as we did when we were her age.“were her age.“

This Nichola dame This Nichola dame pointed to a photo pointed to a photo of her and the of her and the Rachael dame, on Rachael dame, on the left. With no the left. With no Bethany dame in Bethany dame in it. I didn’t ask who it. I didn’t ask who Candy-Floss-for-a-Candy-Floss-for-a-beard was. I beard was. I already had a already had a hunch he was this hunch he was this shifty Santa guy.shifty Santa guy.

Obviously something Obviously something was wrong here. I was wrong here. I had conflicting had conflicting stories. Mum says stories. Mum says one thing, 2 elder one thing, 2 elder daughters say daughters say another.another.

Anyways, I snooped around for Anyways, I snooped around for evidence and found some photos. It evidence and found some photos. It wasn't difficult, as they were up on wasn't difficult, as they were up on the wall for everyone to see.the wall for everyone to see.

"Who are these?" I asked. Elizabeth "Who are these?" I asked. Elizabeth said,said,

"That's me and my brother Denis, "That's me and my brother Denis, years ago."years ago."

"When both of you were younger, "When both of you were younger, eh?" I said, showing my intelligence eh?" I said, showing my intelligence for the second time that day. "Looks for the second time that day. "Looks like Blacklers grotto," I continued, like Blacklers grotto," I continued, showing my age. That Denis guy in showing my age. That Denis guy in the photo looked as if he was the photo looked as if he was smiling. But as for that Elizabeth smiling. But as for that Elizabeth dame, she looks scared. Can’t say I dame, she looks scared. Can’t say I blamed her, looking at that creepy blamed her, looking at that creepy Santa guy. I was thinking whether Santa guy. I was thinking whether this might be a clue about Bethany's this might be a clue about Bethany's Santa problem. Something in the Santa problem. Something in the blood. blood.

"Yeh, I used to love going to see "Yeh, I used to love going to see Santa," Elizabeth said, as if she was Santa," Elizabeth said, as if she was reading my mind. Could have fooled reading my mind. Could have fooled me, I thought, as I looked at me, I thought, as I looked at Elizabeth in the photo again.Elizabeth in the photo again.

There was another photo. I asked who There was another photo. I asked who they were, even though I already they were, even though I already knew.knew.

"That's Nichola and "That's Nichola and Rachael, at Santa’s Rachael, at Santa’s grotto. See how much grotto. See how much they looked forward to they looked forward to it." Elizabeth said. "I'll go it." Elizabeth said. "I'll go and make us some and make us some coffee." And with that, coffee." And with that, Elizabeth left me alone in Elizabeth left me alone in the room.the room.

I looked at this second I looked at this second happy, smiling photo of happy, smiling photo of happy, smiling Nichola happy, smiling Nichola and Rachael. Again, no and Rachael. Again, no Bethany. If that Rachael Bethany. If that Rachael dame's smile ain't forced, dame's smile ain't forced, I'll buy a hat and eat it, I I'll buy a hat and eat it, I thought.thought.

Something bothered me. I Something bothered me. I reached out and touched reached out and touched the frame. Something fell the frame. Something fell out from behind the out from behind the photo and landed face photo and landed face down on the floor. I had down on the floor. I had just bent down, picked it just bent down, picked it up and stuffed it in my up and stuffed it in my pocket when Elizabeth pocket when Elizabeth came in with the coffees. came in with the coffees. We drank in silence and I We drank in silence and I left.left.

If I can't find Bethany, I'll speak to some of her If I can't find Bethany, I'll speak to some of her friends, I thought. friends, I thought.

"We haven't seen "We haven't seen her for ages," her for ages," said All-Green said All-Green dame.dame.

"No, not since she "No, not since she became famous", became famous", said little Miss said little Miss Yellow dame. Yellow dame.

This was news to me. Elizabeth said nothing about Bethany This was news to me. Elizabeth said nothing about Bethany being famous.being famous.

"Famous?" I asked the girls innocently."Famous?" I asked the girls innocently."Yeh," said All-Brown dame, "once she had a drawing "Yeh," said All-Brown dame, "once she had a drawing

published in the Echo, she dumped us all." published in the Echo, she dumped us all." ““Echo?” I echoedEcho?” I echoed..

Oh, the Liverpool Echo! My Oh, the Liverpool Echo! My intuition told me this was a intuition told me this was a clue, and my years of clue, and my years of experience told me I had to experience told me I had to get to the bottom of this get to the bottom of this Echo lead. So I hightailed it Echo lead. So I hightailed it downtown, hotfoot to the downtown, hotfoot to the library, to suss out this library, to suss out this Echo angle.Echo angle.

Sure enough, there it was, Sure enough, there it was, large as life. Toosday 27 large as life. Toosday 27 Jan, 2004. A Mini Jan, 2004. A Mini Masterpiece, indeed.Masterpiece, indeed.

"Once that girl had her "Once that girl had her drawing in the paper," drawing in the paper," the librarian told me, the librarian told me, "everything she touched "everything she touched turned to gold. She made turned to gold. She made a fortune, and is now a a fortune, and is now a recluse, hiding away recluse, hiding away somewhere.“somewhere.“

Hmmm, even more Hmmm, even more curiouser. Why hadn't her curiouser. Why hadn't her mum told me this, either? mum told me this, either? Her mum and her sisters Her mum and her sisters acted as if Bethany was acted as if Bethany was still living at home. Either still living at home. Either they're hiding something, they're hiding something, or they're either or they're either protecting Bethany for protecting Bethany for some reason. Which some reason. Which either was it?either was it?

I took myself down to the I took myself down to the Tate Gallery, where just Tate Gallery, where just by chance there was a by chance there was a Bethany exhibition on. I Bethany exhibition on. I looked at some of her looked at some of her earlier drawings, before earlier drawings, before she struck gold. In one she struck gold. In one room there were simple room there were simple smiling flowers… smiling flowers…

……and colourful bunnies.and colourful bunnies.

Even I can appreciate this Even I can appreciate this art, I thought. But then I art, I thought. But then I moved on to the next moved on to the next room. This had stuff that room. This had stuff that got a bit weirder. Loads got a bit weirder. Loads of stuff with messages of stuff with messages written on them:written on them:

'I love you mum', 'love 'I love you mum', 'love you grandma and you grandma and grandad', 'love from grandad', 'love from Bethany', that kind of Bethany', that kind of stuff, with loads of stuff, with loads of XXXX kisses. But then XXXX kisses. But then some later messages some later messages were different.were different.

One had a doggy-looking One had a doggy-looking thing waving goodbye to a thing waving goodbye to a rabbitty-looking thing rabbitty-looking thing saying "BEZZ, BEZZ". saying "BEZZ, BEZZ". What is this? A secret What is this? A secret code? Was Bethany trying code? Was Bethany trying to tell us something? to tell us something?

I asked one of the I asked one of the curators about the curators about the meaning behind meaning behind writing SUGAR writing SUGAR PEPPER SALT & PEPPER SALT & SURCE on top of SURCE on top of KNIFE & FORK in KNIFE & FORK in another drawing.another drawing.

"Obviously a weird "Obviously a weird mind at work", he mind at work", he said.said.

"And in this later "And in this later drawing, Bethany drawing, Bethany has just drawn the has just drawn the different bits of food different bits of food without telling us without telling us what shape is what what shape is what food. Obviously."food. Obviously."

"Obviously," I thought "Obviously," I thought back at him, thinking back at him, thinking he was loopy.he was loopy.

"Just like these two "Just like these two other drawings other drawings here," the curator here," the curator pointed. pointed.

"What can you see in "What can you see in them?"them?"

"Both look just like "Both look just like trees and flowers and trees and flowers and the sun to me," I saidthe sun to me," I said

"Ah, but you're an "Ah, but you're an amateur and I'm paid amateur and I'm paid to invent complicated to invent complicated meanings," replied meanings," replied the curator. "You see the curator. "You see in the first one… in the first one…

“…“…it's easy to see what the different things are. Right? it's easy to see what the different things are. Right? But then later in this other one… But then later in this other one…

"With yellow squiggles?" I added."With yellow squiggles?" I added."That's it!" said the enthusiastic curator. "I think you've got "That's it!" said the enthusiastic curator. "I think you've got

it!"it!""As long as I haven't got what you've got!" I thought to "As long as I haven't got what you've got!" I thought to

myself as I moved carefully away from this curator. myself as I moved carefully away from this curator. Nevertheless, he made me look at the drawings again in a Nevertheless, he made me look at the drawings again in a different way. There must be messages in them. different way. There must be messages in them.

“…“…Bethany's drawn Bethany's drawn the same things the same things but in blobs and but in blobs and circles?"circles?"

"Yes," I admitted. "Yes," I admitted. "Meaning?""Meaning?"

"I haven't had time "I haven't had time to make one up to make one up yet. But I will if yet. But I will if you give me time. you give me time. It's very It's very significant. It significant. It shows everything shows everything in Bethany's mind in Bethany's mind is split into blobs is split into blobs and circles."and circles."

This one with the red This one with the red blobs might be a dot-to-blobs might be a dot-to-dot with a message dot with a message telling me where telling me where Bethany is. Problem is, Bethany is. Problem is, the dots haven't got any the dots haven't got any numbers, so I don't numbers, so I don't know what order to join know what order to join the dots.the dots.

"This art thing was more "This art thing was more complicated than I complicated than I thought," I thought, thought," I thought, looking at…looking at…

……a blue flower a blue flower surrounded by blue dots.surrounded by blue dots.

Are they blue dots with a Are they blue dots with a blue meaning, or just blue meaning, or just blue dots? Then again, if blue dots? Then again, if Bethany intended them Bethany intended them to just be dots and to just be dots and nothing else, why did nothing else, why did she do them she do them allall blue? blue? Didn't she have any Didn't she have any other colours? And if she other colours? And if she did have other colours, did have other colours, why did she specifically why did she specifically only use blue? Artists! only use blue? Artists!

And the early circle And the early circle drawings look easy and drawings look easy and happy, but the later ones happy, but the later ones with faces look as if with faces look as if they're trying to tell me they're trying to tell me something. Spooky!" something. Spooky!"

Then I noticed Then I noticed Bethany's Bethany's drawings started drawings started being half-weird being half-weird with half-normal with half-normal bits in them. Like bits in them. Like this one, with a this one, with a flower but with flower but with names on the names on the petals. What is petals. What is she trying to tell she trying to tell us with this idea? us with this idea? Another curator Another curator pointed out pointed out Bethany's now Bethany's now famous Post-It famous Post-It drawings. drawings.

"In these drawings," she said, "Bethany isn't using "In these drawings," she said, "Bethany isn't using dots and circles any more to tell us secret dots and circles any more to tell us secret messages. She's drawing direct instructions so we messages. She's drawing direct instructions so we can follow her." can follow her."

"You what!?" I asked the curator. "What did you have for "You what!?" I asked the curator. "What did you have for

breakfast? On second thoughts, I'm better off not breakfast? On second thoughts, I'm better off not knowing."knowing."

"Or start at different finishing points," I joked."Or start at different finishing points," I joked."Exactly. Are you an art expert, too?" she asked me."Exactly. Are you an art expert, too?" she asked me."Yeh, whatever," I answered. "What next?" I "Yeh, whatever," I answered. "What next?" I

wondered.wondered.

"No, it's true. "No, it's true. Bethany is Bethany is drawing drawing instructions, instructions, like fortune-like fortune-telling or Tarot telling or Tarot cards. Sunny & cards. Sunny & Rainy, Happy & Rainy, Happy & Sad, Drink & Sad, Drink & Food, Boy & Food, Boy & Girl. Depending Girl. Depending which ones you which ones you follow, and in follow, and in what order, what order, you'll finish at you'll finish at different different starting starting points."points."

Back in my office over a glass or three of Aldi’s finest Back in my office over a glass or three of Aldi’s finest Belgian whisky imported from Hong Kong, I thought Belgian whisky imported from Hong Kong, I thought about the most recent Bethany drawings they had in about the most recent Bethany drawings they had in the Tate Gallery. Little princesses.the Tate Gallery. Little princesses.

Loads of them.Loads of them. "Doesn't fit "Doesn't fit in," I puzzled in," I puzzled to myself. to myself. "All her stuff "All her stuff was getting was getting weirder and weirder and weirder…weirder…

……then she goes and then she goes and concentrates on drawing pretty concentrates on drawing pretty princesses! Why?" princesses! Why?"

Then I remembered the Then I remembered the piece of paper I'd picked piece of paper I'd picked up back in Bethany's up back in Bethany's house. I took it out of my house. I took it out of my pocket. It was a photo of pocket. It was a photo of a grotto that had been a grotto that had been hidden behind a photo of hidden behind a photo of a grotto. But it wasn't no a grotto. But it wasn't no normal grotto photo. It normal grotto photo. It was a photo of Nichola, was a photo of Nichola, on Santa's knee, on Santa's knee, screaming to get away screaming to get away from him!from him!

So Nichola was lying when So Nichola was lying when she told me she used to she told me she used to love visiting Santa. The love visiting Santa. The other photos of Rachael other photos of Rachael & Nichola smiling on & Nichola smiling on Santa's lap must be Santa's lap must be faked. Or forced, like faked. Or forced, like Rachael's smile. But why? Rachael's smile. But why? To protect Bethany?To protect Bethany?

In the hope that she'll like Santa, despite the fact that In the hope that she'll like Santa, despite the fact that Nichola was scared of him? Maybe Bethany's princesses Nichola was scared of him? Maybe Bethany's princesses are really Nichola and Rachael, Bethany's way of telling are really Nichola and Rachael, Bethany's way of telling her sisters… telling her sisters… telling them what? her sisters… telling her sisters… telling them what?

"Dear Nichola and Rachael, you "Dear Nichola and Rachael, you don't need to pretend for me, I don't need to pretend for me, I know the two of youz don't like know the two of youz don't like Santa or grottos, but it doesn't Santa or grottos, but it doesn't matter. Signed Bethany".matter. Signed Bethany".

Yes, maybe that's the message in Yes, maybe that's the message in these drawings.these drawings.

And there's another thing. Some of the latest drawings are And there's another thing. Some of the latest drawings are Christmassy ones. There's this Christmas tree that looks all Christmassy ones. There's this Christmas tree that looks all happy when you first see it. Bethany has written ‘I love happy when you first see it. Bethany has written ‘I love Christmas’… Christmas’…

……but the blue but the blue baubles are… baubles are… are… actually are… actually big tears! Yeh, big tears! Yeh, Bethany's Bethany's Christmas tree Christmas tree is crying!is crying!

Wow! This must Wow! This must be be g-o-o-dg-o-o-d whiskey! whiskey!

Just as all this Just as all this was going was going through my through my mind, my mobile mind, my mobile went. It was a went. It was a txt mssg frm txt mssg frm some dame who some dame who called herself called herself bthny. bthny.

"i know wat your "i know wat your doin but dont doin but dont bother eny mor. bother eny mor. jus look at my new jus look at my new drawings 2morro drawings 2morro in da tate"in da tate"

There were a few snowmen dudes…There were a few snowmen dudes…

Sure enough, I went there the next day at chucking-in Sure enough, I went there the next day at chucking-in time, to make sure I was amongst the first to see time, to make sure I was amongst the first to see Bethany's new stuff. At first I didn't understand what I Bethany's new stuff. At first I didn't understand what I was being asked to look at.was being asked to look at.

……a few pages of just a few pages of just one colour…one colour…

……and one drawing and one drawing that seemed to be that seemed to be chopped into three chopped into three bits. More questions bits. More questions than answers, if you than answers, if you asked me. And asked me. And somebody did ask somebody did ask me.me.

I heard a I heard a voice voice behind behind me.me.

"How do you like "How do you like what you see?" It what you see?" It was Elizabeth, with was Elizabeth, with Rachael and Rachael and Nichola. Nichola.

"Can you guess now why "Can you guess now why Bethany never liked Bethany never liked Santa?" asked Nichola. The Santa?" asked Nichola. The three of them looked at me.three of them looked at me.

I looked again at the new I looked again at the new drawings, and the blank drawings, and the blank expression on my face told expression on my face told them I couldn't guess. them I couldn't guess. Rachael put me out of my Rachael put me out of my misery.misery.

"Bethany always loved "Bethany always loved Frosty the Snowman more Frosty the Snowman more than Santa, but she than Santa, but she thought she'd be letting us thought she'd be letting us down if she told us."down if she told us."

"So she drew it for us, "So she drew it for us, instead," Nichola added.instead," Nichola added.

"She knew how much I loved "She knew how much I loved Father Christmas when I Father Christmas when I was her age," Elizabeth was her age," Elizabeth said, "and she thought I'd said, "and she thought I'd be upset about her be upset about her preferring Frosty over preferring Frosty over Father Christmas."Father Christmas."

"Santa," corrected Rachael."Santa," corrected Rachael."Santa," smiled Elizabeth."Santa," smiled Elizabeth.

"And the weird yellow, red and green drawings?" I "And the weird yellow, red and green drawings?" I asked.asked.

"Well, she knows what rich people want to spend "Well, she knows what rich people want to spend their money on," explained Rachael. their money on," explained Rachael.

"Beth does the cute Frosty stuff for herself," said "Beth does the cute Frosty stuff for herself," said Nichola, "and the weird abstract stuff for the idiots Nichola, "and the weird abstract stuff for the idiots with more money than sense…”with more money than sense…”

“…“…That's That's how she how she became became RICHRICH and and FAMOUSFAMOUS."."

"Easy," Nichola said. "She hated Santa, but she loved "Easy," Nichola said. "She hated Santa, but she loved reindeers."reindeers."

"Yeh," said Rachael, "she was only drawing the house. "Yeh," said Rachael, "she was only drawing the house. It's not as if she had to go in and have a cuppa tea with It's not as if she had to go in and have a cuppa tea with the fat red guy."the fat red guy."

"Wait a minute,” I "Wait a minute,” I said. “I remember said. “I remember a drawing of a drawing of Santa's house, with Santa's house, with that red-nose guy, that red-nose guy, erm, what’s-his-erm, what’s-his-nose?, Rudie!“nose?, Rudie!“

Elizabeth, Nichola Elizabeth, Nichola and Rachael looked and Rachael looked at me blankly. I at me blankly. I continued. "Why continued. "Why would Bethany would Bethany draw Santa's house draw Santa's house if she didn't like if she didn't like him?“him?“

A-ha! I had them A-ha! I had them here!here!

Fat red guy? Charming! Rachael sounds as Fat red guy? Charming! Rachael sounds as if she didn't like Santa, either. And that if she didn't like Santa, either. And that photo of Nichola screaming to get away photo of Nichola screaming to get away from him. Hmmm, there’s a family theme from him. Hmmm, there’s a family theme growing here.growing here.

Hmmm, I thought. Hmmm, I thought. Bethany hating Bethany hating Father Christmas. Father Christmas. Sorry, hating Santa. Sorry, hating Santa. That would explain That would explain the notes I found on the notes I found on the back of another the back of another drawing.drawing.

Something about the Something about the Santa guy getting Santa guy getting stuck up a chimney stuck up a chimney and refusing to give and refusing to give the kid dudes their the kid dudes their presents.presents.Didn’t sound like a very Didn’t sound like a very

pleasant chap, this Santa pleasant chap, this Santa guy, I must say. No wonder guy, I must say. No wonder Bethany didn’t like him. Bethany didn’t like him. Maybe she was saying she Maybe she was saying she hopedhoped the fat red guy the fat red guy would get stuck up the would get stuck up the chimney! But her drawings chimney! But her drawings can’t can’t allall be be thatthat simple and simple and direct.direct.

I remembered one other.I remembered one other.

"What about the drawing split in three?" I asked the three of "What about the drawing split in three?" I asked the three of them. "Some experts have said that it represents the impossible them. "Some experts have said that it represents the impossible alienation of people's desires in modern society. Bethany is alienation of people's desires in modern society. Bethany is telling us our personalities are split by politics, social inequality telling us our personalities are split by politics, social inequality and science."and science."

"Oh, "Oh, thatthat drawing!" said Nichola. "It was too big to fit in the drawing!" said Nichola. "It was too big to fit in the scanner, so we had to scan it in 3 separate bits, that's all."scanner, so we had to scan it in 3 separate bits, that's all."

"But it all comes together in the end. We did a good job on it," "But it all comes together in the end. We did a good job on it," added Rachael.added Rachael.

"We?" I asked, puzzled."We?" I asked, puzzled."Didn't we tell you?" Rachael said. "Sorry. I thought you knew. "Didn't we tell you?" Rachael said. "Sorry. I thought you knew.

Bethany doesn't exist. We invented her. And all the photos of Bethany doesn't exist. We invented her. And all the photos of her."her."

Hey! I suddenly remembered seeing one drawing that had "By Hey! I suddenly remembered seeing one drawing that had "By Rach" written on it.Rach" written on it.

"Just a mistake," Rachael said. "We thought nobody had noticed. "Just a mistake," Rachael said. "We thought nobody had noticed. But you obviously did."But you obviously did."Can it be true? Did Elizabeth, Can it be true? Did Elizabeth,

Nichola and Rachael really do all Nichola and Rachael really do all the drawings themselves and the drawings themselves and invent this personality, the famous invent this personality, the famous Bethany? Bethany?

"What? What about her "What? What about her masterpiece?" I shouted in masterpiece?" I shouted in disbelief. "Bethany's disbelief. "Bethany's Winnie the Pooh drawing!" Winnie the Pooh drawing!" I yelled! "I yelled! "Bethany's Bethany's masterpiece!masterpiece!""

Elizabeth, Rachael and Elizabeth, Rachael and Nichola looked at each Nichola looked at each other. They were smiling, I other. They were smiling, I was totally gobsmacked. was totally gobsmacked.

"Oh, that?" laughed "Oh, that?" laughed Nichola. "That, as Nichola. "That, as Hammy Hamster Hammy Hamster used to say, is used to say, is another storyanother story

The end… or is it?