The Big Bang Theory

"The Kryptonian Extrapolation"

byTorian S. Hughes

CONTACT:David BairdKinetic ManagementTel: (818) 348-0948Cel: (818) 522-8246Email: dbaird@kinetic.ws

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. SHELDON AND LEONARD’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)(Sheldon, Koothrapali, Wolowitz, Leonard, Penny)

SHELDON, FROM HIS USUAL PLACE ON THE COUCH IS ENGAGED IN A HEATED THREE-ON-ONE DEBATE AGAINST LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI.

SHELDON

... Therefore, I simply submit: Even

the most dull-witted child would agree

that the masks worn by the teenage

Mutant Ninja Turtles are entirely

superfluous.

KOOTHRAPALI

(TO WOLOWITZ) Why do we hang out with

him, again?

WOLOWITZ

Nerd decoy. Anyone comes after us, we

throw them him.

KOOTHRAPALI

(NODDING) That should buy us a few

seconds.

WOLOWITZ

You kidding? They’d be beating him

for days.

LEONARD

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are

superheroes! They have to protect

their identities.

SHELDON

I see. And, a quartet of five-foot

tall, bipedal, talking turtles, can

accomplish that simply by wearing

masks? Because when they take them

off, they can just blend in with all

the other anthropomorphic amphibians

walking the street? Is that your

assertion?

LEONARD

(EMBARRASSED)Well, it was.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND PENNY ENTERS, EXCITED.

PENNY

You won’t believe this!

SHELDON

That you’ve decided to completely

abandon any attempt at practicing the

common etiquette for entering a

dwelling? It would be hard to remain

2.

(MORE)

skeptical in the face of such

overwhelming evidence.

PENNY

(IGNORING HIM) I got an acting gig!

LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ SMILE BROADLY AND AD-LIB CONGRATULATIONS. KOOTHRAPALI SMILES AND SHOOTS PENNY A DOUBLE “THUMBS-UP.”

LEONARD

Wow! A movie? Television?

WOLOWITZ

Pornographic View-Master reel? (OFF

HER GLARE) Man, no one has respect for

classic toys anymore.

LEONARD

So, what is it?

PENNY

Well, you know Comic-Con, right?

SHELDON ROLLS HIS EYES, THEN:

SHELDON

Comic-Con? The yearly four-day

gathering in San Diego to pay

reverence to all things having to do

with sequential story telling, genre

movies, television and speculative

fiction? Where the often unfairly

maligned can spend nigh a week in a

social group, that while frequently

3.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

(MORE)

disturbingly endomorphic, respects

intellect, creativity and superior

Klingon boggle skills? (BEAT) Never

heard of it.

PENNY GLARES AT HIM.

LEONARD

We’ve heard of it. In fact, we’re

competing in the big comic book trivia

contest there this year.

SHELDON

The other team will be competing. We

will be attempting not to crush them

by a margin that would seem

unsportsmanlike.

PENNY

Well, I’m gonna be there, too. I’m

working in the Warner Brothers booth!

WOLOWITZ

You’re gonna be a booth girl?!

PENNY

Yep, it’s the fiftieth anniversary of

Supergirl, and I’m representing the

very first one.

WOLOWITZ

Hmmm, the original. I woulda’ hit

that.... Blonde, blue-eyed, wearing a

4.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

(MORE)

female version of the classic Superman

costume...

LEONARD

... Only sixteen years old when she

arrived on earth.

SHELDON

That’s a one-way ticket to the Phantom

Zone.

WOLOWITZ

Thank you, dream rippers! Just for

that, you can forget about even

getting near my Catwoman fantasy.

OFF HIS INDIGNATION, WE:

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

5.

WOLOWITZ (CONT'D)

ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY - LATER(Penny, Sheldon)

PENNY KNOCKS ON SHELDON AND LEONARD’S DOOR.

PENNY

Sheldon?

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN.

PENNY (CONT’D)

Sheldon?

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN.

PENNY (CONT’D)

Sheldon?

SHELDON OPENS THE DOOR.

SHELDON

Penny.

PENNY

I knocked this time.

SHELDON

Yes, it was surprisingly annoying.

PENNY

Welcome to my world.

SHELDON

Penny, what can I do for you that

won’t keep me from my packing for

Comic-Con or similarly more important

tasks?

6.

PENNY

Oh nothing, just thought I’d come over

for a minute and bask in your warmth.

SHELDON

Forgive me, preparations for the con

always effect my disposition. I don’t

think you understand what this week

means to me.

PENNY

I gotcha. It’s your Fashion Week, the

time of year when top models get

together, show off the latest

fashions, drink, party and have lots

of meaningless sex.

SHELDON

And now, I’m sure you don’t

understand.

PENNY

Listen, I need your help. I was

trying to get in character to play

Supergirl when I realized I know

nothing about her, except that she’s

Superman’s girlfriend.

SHELDON

Well, I wouldn’t say you know nothing.

PENNY SMILES

7.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

(GLARING)You know less than nothing.

PENNY’S SMILE VANISHES.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

Supergirl is the cousin of Superman

and since the planet Krypton had no

Appalachian region, romance between

them is unlikely.

PENNY

See?! That’s why I’m here. You know

everything about comic books!

SHELDON

Well, thank you. Though, I will admit

to being shaky when it comes to the

entire Harvey Comics line. It

featured Hot Stuff -- a devil in a

diaper. A concept that was more

frightening to my mother than the

entire book of Revelations.

PENNY

So, can you help me get up to speed?

You know, drop a little knowledge on

me?

SHELDON

Penny, the smallest portion of my

knowledge, if “dropped” on you, would

8.

(MORE)

crush you like a teaspoonful of Dwarf

Star matter.

PENNY STARES AT HIM, CONFUSED.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

See? Your knees are already buckling.

PENNY

Sheldon, I’m an actress. I want to be

the definitive Supergirl experience.

SHELDON THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN:

SHELDON

Very well, Penny. I can see you’re

serious. Perhaps you do have what it

takes to enter my tutelage. Return

here tomorrow at ten AM and I’ll be

your Yoda. Much, I will teach you.

This will be the most intellectually

grueling ordeal you will likely ever

face.

PENNY

I’m not scared.

PENNY EXITS. SHELDON BEGINS TO SLOWLY CLOSE THE DOOR.

SHELDON

(A LA YODA) You will be... You will

be.

ON HIS INTENSE STARE, WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

9.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

SCENE B

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)(Leonard, Sheldon, Penny)

PENNY IS ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY FOLDERS AND BOOKS. SHE’S WRITING ON A THICK DOCUMENT. HER BROW IS FURROWED IN CONCENTRATION. SHELDON IS AT HIS DESK, READING A COMIC BOOK FROM THE STACK NEXT TO HIM ON THE DESK TOP. LEONARD ENTERS.

LEONARD

Hey, Penny.

PENNY HOLDS UP HER HAND AND WAVES IT IN A “NOT NOW” MOTION, AS SHELDON HISSES AN INSISTENT “SHHHH!” AT LEONARD.

LEONARD (CONT’D)

(HUSHED) What?!

SHELDON

I’m testing Penny.

LEONARD

Yeah, you’ve been doing that since she

first moved in.

PENNY NODS TO HERSELF, AS IF TO SAY “THAT’S FOR SURE.”

SHELDON

I spent the day tutoring her, and now

I need to measure her knowledge of all

things Supergirl. How else will I

know what effect my instruction has

had on her?

LEONARD

You could wait and see if she runs

from the room screaming.

10.

SHELDON

I prefer a more quantifiable method.

LEONARD

Listen, I called Wolowitz and

Koothrapali. They’ll be over in a few

hours and we can all cram for the

trivia contest.

SHELDON

I don’t “cram.” I find my intellect

expands to allow new information to

fit, quite comfortably, inside my

head. You might say I’m infinitely

upgradable.

PENNY STANDS.

PENNY

I’m done.

SHELDON

You answered all the questions?

PENNY

No, but I’m finished.

SHELDON

Intriguing methodology. If you’d like

a little more time to--

PENNY

--pull out my hair and scream?

11.

SHELDON

I’m merely trying to help. This test

is sixty-percent of your grade.

LEONARD

What’s the other forty?

SHELDON

Positive spirit and gratitude.

PENNY THROWS UP HER HANDS, SIGHS HEAVILY AND EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

Oh, that’s not going to help her

G.P.A. at all.

DISSOLVE TO:

12.

SCENE C

INT. LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)(Alicia, Penny)

PENNY TAKES A FEW ENVELOPES OUT OF HER MAILBOX, THEN CLOSES AND LOCKS IT. AT THAT MOMENT, ALICIA, HER UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR AND RIVAL ENTERS. SHE’S UPBEAT AND SMILING, UNTIL SHE SPIES PENNY.

ALICIA

(FROSTY) Hello Penny.

PENNY

(EQUALLY CHILLY) Alicia.

THERE IS A TENSE BEAT, THEN:

ALICIA

Penny, about what happened between us

a few months ago, that time we fought

and I beat you like rented mule...

PENNY STEPS UP TO ALICIA, GETTING RIGHT IN HER FACE.

PENNY

I don’t remember it that way.

ALICIA

(OFF PENNY’S GLARE) Wait, this isn’t

how I wanted this to go. I actually

want to apologize. I mean it.

ALICIA OPENS HER ARMS FOR AN EMBRACE. PENNY, SUSPICIOUS, LOOKS HER OVER. FINALLY, PENNY’S SKEPTICISM MELTS AND THEY HUG.

PENNY

Hey, don’t apologize, it was as much

my fault as it was yours.

13.

ALICIA

Oh, definitely.

UNSEEN BY ALICIA, PENNY MOUTHS THE WORD “BITCH.”

PENNY

Maybe a little more yours.

UNSEEN BY PENNY, ALICIA MOUTHS THE WORD “BITCH” AS WELL. THEY BREAK THE EMBRACE.

ALICIA

Let’s forget about placing blame.

We’re two young, single actresses in

southern California. We should be

supporting each other, not trying to

tear each other down.

PENNY

You’re right. No more back-biting.

ALICIA

Good. Things have been tough enough

lately.

PENNY

Career dry spell?

ALICIA

If it weren’t for the residuals for

the six national commercials I’ve

done, I’d have to stop eating out and

start doing my own laundry again.

14.

PENNY

Please, if I didn't have my tips from

the Cheesecake Factory to fall back

on, I wouldn't be able to afford Top

Ramen. And believe me, if that

stuff's the top Ramen, I don't even

want to see the crap that came in

second.

ALICIA

I’m ready to take anything that comes

along. Anything.

PENNY

I know what you mean. I got lucky this

week: I’m actually gonna be

Supergirl.

ALICIA

(STUNNED) In a movie? It’s an indie,

right? A student film? Porn?

PENNY

No. (TO HERSELF) Why does everyone

guess porn? It’s more like live

theater. Starting Thursday, I’m gonna

be a booth girl at Comic-Con.

ALICIA

Wait, you’re gonna be on display at

some geek-fest? You win, you are

doing worse than me.

15.

PENNY

Well, a job’s a job.

ALICIA

I guess. I’m a serious actress. I

think a gig as a Booth Bimbo--

PENNY

Babe. It’s babe.

ALICIA

--could be damaging to a career.

PENNY

Really?

ALICIA

Yeah, but on the other hand, you

should probably go for it. You really

don’t have much of a career to damage.

ALICIA CROSSES AWAY. AS PENNY SEETHES, WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

16.

SCENE D

CONVENTION CENTER EXHIBIT HALL - THREE DAYS LATER (DAY-3)(Sheldon, Leonard)

THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH CONVENTIONEERS IN COLORFUL SHIRTS WITH VARIOUS SCI-FI AND COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS AND LOGOS. THERE ARE MANY IN HOMEMADE REPLICA COSTUMES OF THEIR FAVORITE, NON-ROYALTY-VIOLATING HEROES AND VILLAINS. IT’S GEEK MECCA, FILLED WITH BOOTHS WHEREIN ONE CAN BUY PRACTICALLY ANYTHING “GENRE.” SHELDON, LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI ENTER.

SHELDON

Remember gentlemen, exercise caution.

Ferengi arms dealers have nothing on

con merchants when it comes to deceit

and treachery. Leonard, are we

prepared?

LEONARD PULLS SEVERAL LARGE PAPERBACK BOOKS FROM HIS KNAPSACK

LEONARD

(READING) “Overstreet Comics Pricing

Guide,” “Tomart’s Action Figure

Digest,” the “eBay Guide To Star Wars

memorabilia” and “The Trekker’s Guide

To Collectibles.”

SHELDON

Excellent. Gentlemen, set phasers on

“haggle.”

JUST AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO HEAD INTO THE FRAY, LEONARD LOOKS AROUND AND SPIES:

PENNY

WEARING HER HAIR IN A TASTEFUL FLIP, SHE’S DRESSED IN THE COLORFUL, IF SOMEWHAT TAME COSTUME OF THE ORIGINAL SUPERGIRL. SHE’S IN THE WARNER BROTHERS BOOTH, ALONG WITH A COUPLE OF CO-

17.

WORKERS WHO ARE DRESSED IN JEANS AND BLACK WARNER BROTHERS T-SHIRTS. LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI STEP UP TO THE BOOTH, AS PENNY HANDS A FANBOY A WARNER BROTHERS GIFT BAG.

PENNY

Hey, guys.

LEONARD

Penny, you look great!

PENNY

Thanks, I’m having a great time. How

about you guys?

WOLOWITZ

(SMILING WOLFISHLY)I am now that I’m

face to face with the “Maid of Might” -

- emphasis on “might.”

PENNY

Yeah? Well, to you, I’m the “woman of

won’t” -- emphasis on “no chance.”

How about you, Raj, you having a good

time?

BUT KOOTHRAPALI ISN’T PAYING ATTENTION. INSTEAD, HE’S STARING BACK TOWARD THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALL. THE OTHERS FOLLOW HIS GAZE AND REALIZE HE’S LOOKING AT...

ALICIA

SHE’S STROLLING TOWARD THEM, BEAMING A THOUSAND WATT SMILE. SHE TOO, IS DRESSED AS SUPERGIRL -- THE CONTEMPORARY ONE. HER COSTUME, WHICH HUGS HER EVERY CURVE, FEATURES A DRAMATICALLY LONG CAPE AND A SEXY BARE MIDRIFF. HER HAIR IS DONE IN A SEXY CONTEMPORARY STYLE. SHE’S FREAKING HOT. AS SHE PASSES THROUGH THE ROOM, A COMMOTION ENSUES. CAMERAS FLASH AND GEEKS BUMP INTO EACH OTHER AS THEY STARE AT HER AND MOUTH “WOW.” SHE STEPS TO THE BOOTH, LEANS ACROSS THE FRONT OF IT, AND HUGS PENNY.

18.

ALICIA

Hi, girlfriend!

ON PENNY’S STUNNED FACE, WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

19.

ACT TWO

SCENE F

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER (DAY 2)(Penny, Leonard, Sheldon)

IT’S A NICE SINGLE HOTEL ROOM, MID-UPPER RANGE. THE DOOR OPENS AND SHELDON AND LEONARD ENTER, TRAILED BY PENNY, WHO’S STILL IN HER COSTUME. SHELDON AND LEONARD ARE HEAVILY BURDENED WITH BAGS OF SOUVENIRS. PENNY FLIPS ON THE LIGHTS.

LFX: LIGHTS ON

PENNY

I can’t believe Alicia horned in on my

gig!

LEONARD

Well, you’re both actresses...

SHELDON

Though fortune seems to smile upon her

thespian desires more frequently than

yours.

LEONARD

Nice, Sheldon. Why don’t you just

whack her with a Kryptonite bat next

time?

SHELDON

It’d have no effect. She’s not a real

Kryptonian.

PENNY

She’s over there strutting around

like... like... Super Ho!

20.

SHELDON

“Super Ho?” That would never be a

comics code approved book.

PENNY

She wouldn’t even have this gig, if--

SHELDON

--you hadn’t sought to salve your ego

by bragging to her about it, rather

than leaving her in a state of

blissful ignorance?

PENNY

(WEAKLY) Yes.

LEONARD

Penny, let it go. The important thing

is you’re here, you’re getting paid,

and you look great.

PENNY CALMS, SMILES AND DOES A SPIN IN HER COSTUME.

PENNY

I do look awesome, don’t I? (LOOKING

AROUND) By the way, Sheldon, nice

room. You really do Comic-Con right.

SHELDON

I prefer a certain level of comfort

when I travel to Comic-Con. I prefer a

non-smoking room and wireless internet

access. Beyond that, I like my hotel

21.

(MORE)

room to be suitable for some serious

filking.

PENNY

Well, who doesn’t?

SHELDON

Indeed. I had a group up here last

night after the Twisted Animation

Festival. We filked into the wee

hours. Filking is always more fun in

a group - although it can get loud.

PENNY

Ok, I can’t even picture that...

LEONARD

(LAUGHING) Penny, “filking” isn’t what

you think it is.

PENNY

With him? I’m sure it wouldn’t be.

LEONARD

“Filking” is making up song parodies

about science-fiction and fantasy-

oriented stuff.

SHELDON

(TO PENNY) This is one of my

favorites, it’s to the tune of “I feel

Pretty”: (SINGS) I'm a Trekkie!/I'm a

Trekkie!/

22.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

(MORE)

Adolescent, pubescent, and free/

And so Trekkie/ That I hardly can

believe I'm me!

PENNY

It was creepier, yet somehow cooler,

just a minute ago.

LEONARD

You know, Sheldon, between filking,

our cram sessions, and attending

discussion panels, you’ve really been

burning the candle at both ends.

SHELDON QUICKLY PICKS UP AND OPENS A COMIC-CON PROGRAM, SCANNING IT INTENTLY.

SHELDON

That reminds me, there are three

especially interesting panels coming

up: “Does size matter? - Small Press

In A Big Industry,” “Frank Miller’s

Broken Spirit” and “Imaginary Stories:

Aren’t They All?” I can’t miss those.

LEONARD

Sheldon, you need to pace yourself.

Why don’t we take a break, go down to

the hotel’s cafe and get something to

eat?

23.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

SHELDON

You and Penny go. I’m gonna get back

to the convention center for a few

more panels before the contest.

LEONARD

It’s Comic-Con: No one can see it all

in four days. You’re gonna burn out.

Even you have limits.

SHELDON FROWNS. HE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.

SHELDON

Limits are artificial constraints.

They mean nothing to me! This is my

one extravagance all year and I mean

to enjoy it to its fullest! I am

Sheldon Cooper and this is my fashion

week!

HE EXITS. PENNY AND LEONARD LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AND SHRUG. THE DOOR RE-OPENS AND SHELDON STICKS HIS HEAD INTO THE ROOM.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

Minus the pointless binge drinking and

irresponsible sex.

SHELDON EXITS. ON LEONARD’S FRUSTRATION AND PENNY’S AMUSEMENT, WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

24.

SCENE G

INT. CONVENTION CENTER EXHIBIT HALL - DAY (DAY 3)(Fanboy, Alicia, Penny, Leonard)

ALICIA IS AGAIN BEHIND THE WARNER BROTHERS BOOTH. SHE LEANS OVER THE BOOTH TO SNAP A PICTURE WITH A FANBOY.

FANBOY

Wow, thanks.

ALICIA

Anything for a fan.

THE FANBOY SMILES.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

That’ll be five dollars.

THE FANBOY’S SMILE VANISHES. ALICIA SMILES BRIGHTLY AT HIM AND HE QUICKLY DIGS THROUGH HIS POCKET AND FINDS A FIVE-SPOT FOR HER. HE CROSSES OFF AS PENNY, IN CIVVIES, STEPS UP TO THE BOOTH.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

Off for the day?

PENNY

For a few hours. Aren’t you?

ALICIA

I would be, but they asked me to do an

extra shift. I tell you, these geeky

nerds love me!

PENNY

I can see the feeling’s mutual.

25.

ALICIA

Who ever thought I could find a fan

base among spazzes and Poindexters?

In high school, I used to make their

lives hell.

PENNY

Yeah, the mean things we did in high

school...

ALICIA

(WISTFULLY) They sure were fun.

A HARRIED LEONARD STEPS UP TO THE BOOTH.

LEONARD

Penny, have you seen Sheldon?!

PENNY

I thought he’d be with you. Isn’t it

time for the trivia contest? I was

about to slip over and watch.

LEONARD

You were?

PENNY

You guys have been supportive of me.

It’s the least I can do.

LEONARD

None of us have seen him. He was

supposed to meet us after the “Build-A-

Dalek” workshop, but he didn’t show.

26.

(MORE)

I’ve called his phone, but he’s not

answering.

PENNY

Ok, calm down. Sheldon lives for this

kind of thing. Let’s just get over to

the contest, and I’m sure he’ll be

there. What on earth would cause him

to miss it?

FLIP TO:

27.

LEONARD (CONT'D)

SCENE H

INT. HOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME (DAY 3)(Sheldon)

THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM AND WE CAN SEE THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF SWAG SHELDON HAS COLLECTED OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS: ACTION FIGURES, DVDS, MODELS AND ALL MANNER OF SUPERHERO, AND SCI-FI MEMORABILIA. THE CAMERA COMES TO REST UPON SHELDON, IN BED, SOUND ASLEEP, THE SCHEDULE OBVIOUSLY HAVING CAUGHT UP TO HIM.

CUT TO:

28.

SCENE I

INT. CONVENTION CENTER FUNCTION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 3)(Leonard, Penny)

THE ROOM IS SET UP FOR THE COMPETITION: THERE’S A STAGE AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM, UPON WHICH SITS A LONG TABLE WITH EIGHT CHAIRS, SPLIT INTO TWO GROUPS OF FOUR SEPARATED BY A LECTERN. THERE ARE AT LEAST ONE HUNDRED FOLDING METAL CHAIRS FACING THE STAGE, FILLED WITH FANBOYS AND GIRLS. LEONARD, PENNY, AND WOLOWITZ ENTER AND LOOK AROUND FOR SHELDON.

LEONARD

He’s not here!

PENNY

He must be on his way.

LEONARD

This isn’t like him. I’m getting

worried.

LEONARD’S CELL PHONE RINGS, HE ANSWERS IT.

SFX: CELL PHONE RING

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Hello?... Sheldon? Where are you!?

CUT TO:

29.

SCENE J

INT. SHELDON’S HOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME (DAY 3)(Sheldon, Leonard)

SHELDON IS SITTING ON THE BED.

SHELDON

Before I answer that, I’d like to take

a moment to remind you that there are

times when the phrase “I told you so”

is neither instructive nor helpful.

INTERCUT:

LEONARD

... You overslept?!

SHELDON

While technically not an “I told you

so,” that did have the sting of

recrimination.

LEONARD

Sheldon, this contest is about to

start and we gotta have four players.

(GLANCING AT PENNY) Wait...I think I

have an idea...

SHELDON

... Put Penny on the team? My God man!

Have you gone mad?!

THE CONTEST MODERATOR ENTERS.

30.

LEONARD

We just need her to fill out the team.

She doesn’t have to answer any

questions. Look, this thing is about

to start. If we’re gonna make a

substitution, we have to do it now.

Unless you’ve suddenly gained the

ability to spontaneously teleport

yourself.

SHELDON

One moment.

SHELDON PUTS DOWN HIS PHONE, CLENCHES HIS FISTS, CLOSES HIS EYES AND CONCENTRATES. AFTER A MOMENT, HE RE-OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AROUND. HE FROWNS IN DISAPPOINTMENT AND PICKS UP THE PHONE.

SHELDON (CONT’D)

We’re going to have to go with your

plan.

SHELDON HANGS UP AND RUSHES OUT OF THE ROOM, AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

31.

SCENE K

INT. CONVENTION CENTER FUNCTION ROOM - LATER(Moderator, Sheldon, Penny, Leonard, Wolowitz)

THE COMPETITION IS UNDERWAY. LEONARD, PENNY, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI ARE SEATED TO THE LEFT OF THE MODERATOR’S LECTERN. IN FRONT OF THEM IS A TABLE SIGN IDENTIFYING THEM AS “THE AVENGERS.” ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IS SEATED ANOTHER QUARTET WHOSE TABLE SIGN READS “THE DOOM PATROL.” THE MODERATOR IS HOLDING A STACK OF INDEX CARDS. HE ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLED CROWD AS SHELDON ENTERS.

MODERATOR

Well, this has been quite a contest.

Despite a last minute substitution,

the Avengers have managed to stay neck

and neck with their opponents, the

Doom Patrol.

THE CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS. SHELDON CROSSES TO HIS FRIENDS.

SHELDON

(Whispering) I can’t believe we’re

still in this. My study sessions were

more effective than I could have

hoped.

PENNY

What took you so long to get here?!

SHELDON

I couldn’t get a taxi. I had to take

a pedi-cab--

32.

LEONARD

--and you kept telling the driver the

best way to get here...

WOLOWITZ

--and he dumped you on the sidewalk.

SHELDON

Why ask, if you already knew?

PENNY

Sheldon, switch places with me!

MODERATOR

Excuse me? Is there a problem here?

KOOTHRAPALI WHISPERS IN WOLOWITZ’ EAR.

WOLOWITZ

(TO Koothrapali) I know. (TO THE

OTHERS) Forget it. We’ll never be

allowed to substitute this late.

SHELDON

Don’t be ridiculous! In the grand

tradition of the very books that are

the subject of this contest, I have

arrived in the nick of time to save

the day.

LEONARD

That’s thrilling. The New York Times

calls it “a white-knuckled, ego-filled

roller-coaster ride.”

33.

MODERATOR

Hel-lo? Epic moment here. (TO

SHELDON)I’m afraid you’ll have to

leave the stage.

SHELDON RAISES HIS HAND.

SHELDON

Point of order please.

MODERATOR

(TO SHELDON, CONFUSED) Excuse me?

SHELDON STROLLS IN FRONT OF THE CONTEST TABLE AS IF HE’S IN FRONT OF THE ROMAN SENATE AND ADDRESSES THE MODERATOR.

SHELDON

Thank you. I, Sheldon Cooper, am a

member of this team -- one of the

original members. I was previously

indisposed and would like to reclaim

my place in the group.

MODERATOR

You and Pete Best. But no

substitutions this late in the

contest. Sorry.

SHELDON

I’d like a ruling on that.

MODERATOR

That was a ruling.

SHELDON

I’d like a better one.

34.

THE CONVENTIONEERS LAUGH AS THE MODERATOR FROWNS.

MODERATOR

How about this?: Mr. Cooper, if you

don’t sit down and stop delaying this

contest, I’ll rule that your team

forfeits.

SHELDON

Well, that hardly fits the description

of “better.”

LEONARD MOTIONS TO SHELDON TO SIT DOWN. SULKING, SHELDON DOES SO.

MODERATOR

Okay folks, this is the last question.

It’s for the contest. First team to

buzz in and answer correctly wins.

For the win and the trophy:

(READING)”Who was Super-girl’s first

romantic interest?

BOTH TEAMS HUDDLE AND DISCUSS.

WOLOWITZ

Anyone got a clue?

LEONARD

Hell no.

KOOTHRAPALI SHRUGS.

PENNY

Guys?

35.

WOLOWITZ

Not now, sweetie.

PENNY

But...

LEONARD

Penny, it’s ok, we’ll get it.

KOOTHRAPALI SUDDENLY POINTS AT PENNY.

LEONARD (CONT’D)

I know, that wasn’t polite. But she’ll

be okay. (TO PENNY) Won’t you... Oh

my God, you’re Supergirl!

PENNY

Duh...

WOLOWITZ

Do you know the answer?

PENNY

His name was Dick--

WOLOWITZ

Dick Malverne! That was him!

LEONARD LOOKS AT KOOTHRAPALI, WHO NODS IN AGREEMENT.

LEONARD

Buzz in.

BEFORE WOLOWITZ CAN MOVE, PENNY SLAPS THE BUZZER.

SFX: BUZZ

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Penny?!

THE MODERATOR POINTS AT PENNY.

36.

MODERATOR

You have an answer ma’am?

PENNY

I do.

LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI START MOUTHING “DICK MALVERNE.”

PENNY (CONT’D)

The answer is Dick Wilson.

LEONARD

What?!

PENNY

Dick Malverne was named Dick Wilson

when he first met Supergirl, at the

Midvale Orphanage. When he was later

adopted, he changed his last name to

that of his adoptive parents, the

Malvernes.

THERE IS A PAUSE, THEN:

MODERATOR

The lady knows her stuff. She’s

right. The Avengers win!

LEONARD AND PENNY HUG AS THE CROWD CHEERS.

LEONARD

That was awesome!

SHELDON APPROACHES.

37.

SHELDON

Penny, congratulations. Clearly you

absorbed the material we covered in

its entirely.

PENNY

Does that mean I get my grade raised?

SHELDON

Do you really care?

PENNY

Not in the slightest. What am I, some

geek?

AS THEY SMILE AT ONE ANOTHER, WE

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

38.

TAG

INT. CONVENTION CENTER EXHIBIT HALL (Wolowitz, Koothrapali, Alicia)

THE CON IS WINDING DOWN. ALICIA IS GREETING A FEW LAST FANS AT THE BOOTH. WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPALI ENTER.

WOLOWITZ

(RE: Alicia) There she is! Time for

“operation Super-Friend,” leading to

“Operation Super Girlfriend.”

KOOTHRAPALI

Howard, this is a bad idea.

WOLOWITZ

This is a great idea. Alicia has been

here all weekend. She’s had the

chance to see me in my element. We

have made her one of us!

KOOTHRAPALI

She’ll never be one of us. It’s only

a matter of time before she reverts to

her true self and shatters your

dreams.

HOWARD SAUNTERS OVER TO THE BOOTH AND LEANS IN, GIVING ALICIA HIS BEST “COME-HITHER” LOOK.

WOLOWITZ

Have you had a good time at the con?

ALICIA

I never believed I would, but it’s

been a blast!

39.

WOLOWITZ

I bet you see us comic book fans in a

new light now, eh?

ALICIA

I sure do.

HOWARD SMILES “I TOLD YOU SO” AT KOOTHRAPALI. THAT MOMENT, A HANDSOME GUY, DRESSED AS A FRAZETTA-TYPE BARBARIAN, WALKS UP AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ALICIA.

ALICIA (CONT’D)

(TO HANDSOME GUY) Hey baby, ready to

go?

LINKING ARMS, ALICIA AND HER DATE CROSS AWAY. AS THEY GO, WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SHATTERING GLASS, SEEMINGLY FROM SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE WOLOWITZ. A SOUND THAT IS REPEATED AS ALICIA PASSES BY EVERY OTHER GEEK IN THE ROOM, SHATTERING THEIR DREAMS AS WELL.

SFX: SHATTERING GLASS.

KOOTHRAPALI LAYS A CONSOLING ARM ON A SHAKEN WOLOWITZ’ SHOULDER.

KOOTHRAPALI

Oh Howard, it’s not your fault. Women

always go for the guy with the big

sword.

AS KOOTHRAPALI LEADS A GRIEF-STRICKEN WOLOWITZ AWAY, WE:

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW

40.