the better boundary blueprint

The Better Boundary Blueprint

Your Line in the Sand forSetting Healthier Boundaries

Copyright © 2020, Sherry Gaba, LCSW. All Rights Reserved.

The Better Boundary Blueprint 1

The Better Boundary BlueprintYour Line in the Sand for Setting Healthier Boundaries

The personal boundaries we set are vitally important, as they help us to know where we stop and another person begins. They are the lines that separate us from others.

Healthy boundaries give us the opportunity to embrace a secure sense of self as someone separate from others.

If we grow up in a healthy family system, we have the chance to build a healthy sense of self.

However, if we grow up in a family in which we’re abused, neglected, shamed, or aban-doned, then we can’t learn to set appropriate, healthy boundaries.

Codependents generally grew up in families in which boundaries were hazy at best.

One example is a family with one or more substance abusers; these are families in which parents are generally both emotionally and physically unavailable. Often these parents will expect their children to handle responsibilities way beyond what’s appropriate for the children’s ages. And these children learn that there are no boundaries as to what may be expected of them.

Setting good boundaries prevents extremes in relationships, such as being too close or too distant, giving too much or too little, idealizing or devaluing others. None of these ex-tremes are healthy.

I often tell clients that a boundary is the gate around my front yard that keeps positive stuff in and negative stuff out.

When all is said and done, an inability to set healthy boundaries is a misguided attempt to be loved.


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In his book, Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw writes, “Only when we have good boundaries can we expand our boundaries with someone else. Only when we have strong boundaries can we love.”

When you don’t respect your own sense of self, boundaries become nonexistent, and code-pendents become over-givers as adults.

When boundaries are blurred, the feelings and behaviors of others become the codepen-dent’s own... There is no dividing line between where a codependent’s self ends and other people begin.

Codependents are easily trampled on out of their own need to please and be appreciated and loved. They often describe their relationships as if the other person is living inside their own skin. There is a desperate need to merge with their partner.

Some examples of boundary violations include:

• Having deep conversations with others you hardly know;• Falling in love and/or getting involved without really knowing someone;• Trusting too easily;• Staying in relationships long after they have turned sour;• Intruding on others’ boundaries (checking a partner’s personal belongings, cell

phones, texts, e-mail, stalking);• Having promiscuous sex just to please others;• Touching another without their permission or letting them touch you;• Letting others tell you how to live your life;• Flirting with others just to make a connection; and• Expecting another person to know your needs without you expressing them.

The way to develop healthy boundaries is to learn how to set limits with others.

Sometimes this means leaving a situation or expressing what it is you need, rather than submitting to another’s whims.


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Nurturing the inner child within you is a great way to regain your loss of self and create better boundaries.

The next step is learning to distinguish the lines between you and those you love.

Once you do this, you will see that you are NOT responsible for another person’s behavior!

So often, codependents believe they are responsible for someone else’s inappropriate be-havior, whether it’s abuse, addiction, cheating, narcissism, and/or unlawful activity.

However, we can only truly be responsible for ourselves.

Each and every one of us must own our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You know you are gaining a stronger sense of self and developing healthier boundaries when you realize that saying, “No.” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain or de-fend yourself to others.

You’ll also learn to stop feeling guilty and to stop believing that everything that’s not per-fect about your relationship is somehow your fault.

You realize you are not responsible for the behavior of others. And you learn to differentiate your own needs from the needs of others and begin to feel a sense of safety in just being you.

You honor your own feelings; ask for what you need; are not afraid to have a different opin-ion; know what is someone else’s business and what is yours; learn to nurture yourself; do what you want to do without depending an another’s suggestions; stop blaming yourself for everything that isn’t right in your relationship; and know how to set limits.

When all is said and done, only when you learn to set healthy boundaries will you create the space necessary for the RIGHT person to show up in your life!


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So, how do you begin to set healthy boundaries?

Here are a couple of exercises to help get you started towards creating better, healthier boundaries...

Exercise 1:Setting Boundaries in One Relationship

Think about a relationship in which you needed to set clear boundaries and then go through this whole exercise thinking about that one person. Share your decision with them.

__________________________________________________________________________(Name of person you are setting boundary with)

__________________________________________________________________________(Your reason for setting the boundary)

__________________________________________________________________________(What the boundary is)

Guidelines for setting your boundaries:

1. The purpose is to take care of your needs and to protect yourself from inappropriate behavior, so you don’t feel victimized by someone else’s actions.

2. Some boundaries may be more rigid than others. Only set limits that you are willing to follow through with.

If you _______________________, I will take care of myself by _______________________. (behavior) (action)

If you ________________________________, I will ________________________________. (behavior) (a way to confront my feelings)


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If you continue that behavior, I will take care of myself by ___________________________. (action)

Examples:

• For my own self-esteem, I am no longer willing to enable you by accepting your infi-delity/accepting your substance abuse/blaming myself for your behaviors.

• If you verbally or physically abuse me, I will take care of myself by leaving the situa-tion.

• If you blame me for your feelings, I will confront your blaming.

• If you continue that behavior, I will stop the conversation.

Exercise 2:

Make a list of boundaries you can set with others and with yourself:

Boundary: _________________________________________________________________

With others: ________________________________________________________________

With myself: ________________________________________________________________

For example:

Boundary: Saying, “no.”

With others: Don’t go along with activities I don’t want to engage in.

With myself: Don’t fall in love blindly or trust so quickly.


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The Wake Up Recovery Advantage

Of course, it’s easy to read information like this on setting better boundaries and code-pendency and understand it on an intellectual level.

But, to create real change, you have to be willing to not only internalize this information, but take action to create the change you seek!

Yes, you can practice these exercises and others like them on a daily basis... But, you also need a system of support and accountability in place for when the going gets rough.

I know. I’ve been there!

I have over 25 years of experience as a recovery clinician. I’ve even been featured on TV shows like Dr. Drew Pinsky’s Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. And I’ve written several books on recovery.

But, more than all of this, I’ve also struggled with codependency.

I married an alcoholic, even when I should have known better.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was also codependent in all sorts of other areas in my life.

I had obsessive, needy behavior. I couldn’t let go of issues. I was terrified of being aban-doned. And I was afraid to set boundaries with people I loved or coworkers, so I got walked all over.

Finally, I’d had enough. I wanted to be happy, and this path wasn’t the way.

I studied everything I could about the law of attraction, positive psychology, and even Buddhism!

And what I came to realize is that people get the best results when they have a SYSTEM


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they can realy on and when they have access to continuous, compassionate support.

When you have codependent or addictive behavior, you need access to help when you need it.

Not in a day... Not in a week. But RIGHT NOW!

That’s because when you’re in a low or self-destructive place, you don’t have the emotion-al strength to search out support.

You need a solution at your fingertips.

That’s why I’m so excited about Wake Up Recovery’s Breaking Free from Codependency “Inner Circle” ...

If you’re at all interested in a complete recovery system you can do from your own living room, on your own schedule (no driving required!), plus the support, encouragement, and accountability of other people just like you who are working together to set better boundries and overcome their own codependency issues, just click the link below to learn more and get started, today!

https://wakeuprecovery.com/breaking-free-from-codependency/

With love and gratitude,

Sherry Gaba, LCSWWakeUpRecovery.com




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