advocatethe

October 28, 2011

by John TkebuchavaThe Advocate

Fall has fi nally set in and Halloween is once again upon us, bringing with it the blood splattered fun we have come to know and love in the entertainment busi-ness of horror.

Regarding the matter of guts and gore, nothing en-trails—er, entails—more to the matter

than the good old-fashioned zombie.So while you’re partying Halloween night

away, you should set aside some time to make sure you have a good plan laid out in the case of the zombie apocalypse.

Yes, you heard me right. Let’s be honest — with all the factors of nuclear meltdowns, radi-ation, and advancements in chemical warfare, fi ctional as zombies may be at the moment, it’s only a matter of time before they tear through the earth and claw at the ankles of countless drunken high school miscreants desecrating cemeteries in the night.

The fl esh-eating undead are no new con-cept, mind you, but if you’re not knowledge-able of the basic fundamentals surrounding it, odds are you won’t last long. That’s where I come in.

As a professional zombie hunter (or as pro-fessional as they come, anyhow), with exten-sive knowledge in zombie fi lms and with an undead digital body count of around 100,000, I have narrowed the means to survive a zombie apocalypse to three key points that you must learn to understand and execute effi ciently. They are as follows: escaping the undead,

identifi cation of the undead and exter-

mination of the undead.

First point: Escaping the undead

When the zombie apocalypse is inevi-tably set loose upon the earth and the undead are chomping on the living left and right, it’s time you get the hell out of Dodge, but not before you grab some es-sentials. Take as much food (and by food I don’t mean Twinkies — this isn’t Zom-bieland) and water as you can with without hindering yourself, preferably canned goods. A tent and some weaponry would also be ideal. Firearms would be best, especially for hunting. After packing the car, it’s time to get to an isolated area deep in the wilderness. If you don’t have time to pack, try to get out of the city as fast as possible by any means neces-sary. If there’s a lot of traffi c, don’t wait for it to clear up — get out, take what essentials you can and start walking. Next, try to get a good distance away from the city, but don’t head out too far as scavenging for goods later on will be a good idea. Try looking for any kind of camp-site where other survivors might be gathering. Somewhere near a large body of water ,with possibly a boat, would be ideal (a good escape option, given the fact that zombies are terrible swimmers and tend to uselessly fl op about like dying fi sh). At this point, you can at least set up a temporary home and survive off the plants and the various cute animals of the for-ests.

Second Point: Identification of the three types of undead.

Through the chaos of the zombie uprising, if the exposed guts, empty eye sockets, missing limbs, etc., are not apparent enough, it may be diffi cult to differentiate friend from foe.

Walkers, or slow shuffl ers, as I like to call them, are the least threatening kind of zom-bie. Very impaired and particularly “unlively” types with most of their muscle and tendons decomposed. Walkers may seem harmless at fi rst, but their teeth can remain a menace, ca-pable of giving nasty, “undeadifying” bites. It should be noted that while walkers can be ignored for the most part, they can be dangerous when encountered in num-bers exceeding 30 or when gathered in tight spaces. If you do get into a pickle, remember, to kill the ghoul, destroy the brain.

Quick shuffl ers: These zombies have been changed fairly recently and have most likely suffered from some kind of bodily harm and may have a limb that is either broken are at

least partially impaired. Though these ones might seem like they’re not in the best of

shape, they pose a signifi cantly higher threat than walkers and should be ap-proached with extreme caution even when they number less than a dozen.

Sprinters: These guys are nasty ones straight out of the undead oven and should be avoided in most situations.

Odds are you will not outrun them, as they seem to be frenzied by the desire for

your brains, and your best bet is to get to locations that are either diffi cult to reach,

or make fi ghting off the undead easier. If you are surrounded by a pack of this rabid variety, your only options, unfortunately, are either to go down with style or hopefully you have that one last round saved up, because you’re straight out of luck and will otherwise end up like poor Captain Rhodes from George

Romero’s Day of the Dead (You-tube “The Death of Captain Rhodes” to see what I mean).

Third Point: extermination of the undead.

If old Uncle Frank is twitching more than usual, foaming at the mouth and making growling noises, odds are he’s missing more than just his penicillin. Frank may very well be turning into one of the horde and that means it’s time to think fast. Check for any wounds upon his body. Bite marks are key indicators, but sometimes scratches are enough, and even if all these are absent, there’s a chance the virus has gone airborne. If that’s the case, there are essentially only two options. One: It’s time for Franky to meet his maker. Any sharp or blunt object

(as effective as cricket bats and golf clubs

may seem in movies, I would suggest a good, old-fashioned bat) and a gun will do, too, but if you have that kind of weap-onry, its best to save it and use only when necessary.

R e m e m b e r , destroy the BRAIN, you

kill the ghoul. Maybe you just can’t stom-

ach the thought of bringing old Frank to a gruesome end, so you may consid-

er letting him visit the other side. Er, I mean the other, other side. But remember, zombie Frank won’t remember any favors, so don’t be surprised when he comes to bite you in the you-know-what and I mean that quite literally. Also, if there are any recently dead among you already, you might want to make sure they re-main that way. If their are brains intact, there might be a problem and you know what to do.

This guide could go on and on and there are hundreds of other things that can be dis-cussed for many different scenarios, but if all else fails, just fi nd a small group of people you can survive along with and make sure that you keep an expendable person(s) in your group to serve as zombie fodder that you can purpose-fully maim or push into the undead masses to consume.

Remember, a feeding zombie is a happy zombie (not to mention a distracted one) and is less likely take a chomp out of your noggin — unless, of course, he’s looking for seconds.

One fi nal point: Have fun. Odds are you’re going to die or become a zombie yourself, es-pecially if the virus is airborne, so have a ball with it cause there ain’t no party like an un-dead party!

opinion 3

Closewise from the top: Slow shu� er, Sprinter and a quick shu� er.

Illustrations by Yuca Kosugi/ � e Advocate

Event Alert

For those who want to practice your zombie shuffl ing skills, the Port-land Zombie Walk takes place Sunday from noon-4 p.m. at Hollywood Vin-tage 2757 N.E. Pacifi c St., Portland.

This event is free and is open to participants of all ages. Come dressed in your best zombie garb and shuffl e ‘til you can’t shuffl e anymore.