The ABCs of Parenting

Suzanne Kerns, Ph.D.Assistant ProfessorDivision of Public Behavioral Health & Justice PolicyDepartment of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences

Let’s start with B• B= behavior

• Observable / Describable • Bs are either “OK” or “not OK” • Each family makes their own decisions about what is in each

category

• Most Bs have a reason, for example:• To get something that you want• To get out of something that you don’t want• Safety/security• Power/control/influence

• For most “not OK” behaviors, the reason is understandable, even if the B is not

Think of a B that is relevant to you• Something you’ve been interested in working with your child or adolescent on• Something that occurs while you are around (not only at school)• If the B is complicated (lots of parts), pick one part that you think you could address• E.g., Your child rarely does the chores and gives you an ‘attitude’

when you ask, pick either doing the chore OR addressing the attitude (hint, picking the chore might be an easier place to start!)

Hold that B in mind… as we go through our presentation…

What are the As• Fancy name = Antecedent• Normal name = What happens BEFORE a behavior happens• A’s can be for desirable (OK) or undesirable (not OK) behaviors

Some examples for A’s making OK behavior more likelyContextual Immediate

Child is well fed Child received a clear instruction about what is expected

Child is well rested Parent is close in proximity

Child generally understands expectations in the situation

Request is reasonable

Child has been rewarded for OK behavior in the past

Parent makes eye contact

Parent and child have a warm relationship

Parent is calm and confident

• Some examples for A’s making not OK behavior more likely

Contextual Immediate

Child is hungry or thirsty Child is unsure about what is expected in the moment (instruction is unclear

Child is tired Parent is far away

Child unclear about expectations in general

Request is poorly timed

Child has received attention for not OK behavior in the past

Parent is upset or emotional

Parent and child are having difficulty in their relationship

Child is absorbed in a more interesting activity

Tools for making the most out of A’sIncrease number of positive interactions• Younger children: Child led time• Child choice. Parent observes and comments/reflects. No questions,

instructions, judgments.

• Tweens and adolescents: Spending time together doing or talking about something your child is interested in

• Probably the single most powerful parenting strategy•Why does this work? • Metaphor:

Good Boss Bad Boss

• Positive Opposites• Thinking about your target B….• What would the positive opposite be?

It’s all about the A

B Possible opposite-B

Talking back Expressing opinion appropriately

Whining Using a pleasant voice

Hitting Using words

Coming home after curfew Coming home on time (or at least calling!)

Messy room Putting backpack away

Emotional outbursts Going to room to calm down when upset

And a little more about the A• Giving clear instructions• Consider:• Timing – does this request need to

be made now?

• Importance – is it necessary for the running of the household?

• Proximity – am I close to my child/adolescent when I give the instruction?

• “Do” language – does the instruction tell my child/adolescent what to do (as opposed to what not to do)

• Clear language – Is the instruction succinct? Avoid (when possible) asking as a question, too many instructions, vague instructions.

Examples of As for specific Bs? B A

Increase following instructions

• Making sure instructions are well timed• Get close to my child, within arm’s reach• Get eye contact• Give a clear instruction with a calm voice

Increase talking respectfully

• Show interest when my child is talking respectfully

• Have a conversation at a neutral time about ground rules

• If it seems like a high risk situation, gently remind child of ground rules

• Model talking respectfully

But when prevention doesn’t work….• C = consequence• It’s what happens after the B• Can determine whether the B is more or less likely to happen again

• Tips to consider: • What is meaningful to YOUR child/adolescent? (may not be the

same as your friend’s child!)

• Are you prepared to follow through every time (at least at first)?

• Timing – may want to start at a time that’s more relaxed…. (not when you have to get out the door for work)

• How do you want to talk with your child/adolescent about it?

C’s work best when…• Planned ahead of time

Calm, consistent, decisive, fair• Linked to the B whenever possible (logical consequences)• For OK B’s: Reward talking nicely with extra phone time; reward

homework completion with extra free time

• For not OK B’s: Child runs away on a walk so has to hold your hand; child does not turn off TV for dinner so loses TV time that evening

• Plenty of opportunity given for ‘positive opposite’ afterwards• If your child is acting up to GET OUT of something, it’s important

that the C doesn’t help them to get out of it, accidentally!

Examples of some C’s matched to B’s?

B CDoesn’t follow an instruction

• Repeat instruction only once• Send child to quiet time• Repeat instruction

Talks disrespectfully

• Remind child of the rule and calmly tell child that you will talk with them again when they are speaking respectfully (leave room if necessary)

• Make a plan to resume discussion when everyone is calm

• Be sure to follow-up later to finish discussion