The 432 Guide to Pizza !

On Friday, November 15th, the assembledminions of SUS gathered in the SUBBallroom for the President's ChoiceDance, which promised lo be a rollickinggood time for only $4 .00 .

And indeed, a rollicking good timeit was . After a series of boat race trials ,Winnipeg's One Big Union took the stageand played one of the best sets ever heardat a Science dance . On most songs, wel lover half the crowd was dancing .

The evening's festivities stoppedhalfway through as the boat race fmal stook place - and with a split-secondmargin, Physsoc's Radical Beer Faction(Aaron Drake, Mike Hamilton, ErikJensen, Mark Honig, and Caireen Hanert ,the last of whom claimed never to hav etried beer before in her life) emergedvictorious .

Sarcastic Mannequins played next,performing if anything a better, moreenergetic set than One Big Union . Unfor -tunately, the evening was cut slightl yshort when, only 45 minutes into theMannequins' set, the Ballroom light sabruptly flickered on and the attendeesall drifted gradually away .

Despite nothing but glowing ap-praisals of the dance, however, SUS Ex-ternal Vice President Alan Price wasdisappointed . "l: had kind of hoped formore people to turn up," he said.

Price's plans now turn to organ :iz-

ing the Science Week Dance, due to takeplace on Friday, January 25th . Tradition-ally SUS's largest social event of theyear, the dance should be "a blast, a realblast," according to Price.

-by Antonia Rozario-On Friday, November 23rd, the Scienc eUndergraduate Society brought its 199 0Christmas Food Drive campaign to aclose, as all food gathered over the las ttwo weeks was brought to the Studen tUnion Building and piled on the MainConcourse for display. The EngineeringUndergraduate Society, who had issued achallenge to all other student groups tomeet or beat them in food collection (TheUbyssey, November 8, 1990) arrived infull force, but SUS, the only student so-ciety who met their challenge, also showedup with an enormous load of edibl egoodies .

All in all., the Christmas FoodDrive was a successful one . SUS broughtin two to three times more food than theEUS did, but the EUS had an additional

Fifteen months ago, The 432 printed apizza survey of the West Point Grey are ato an enormously positive response . Andnow, just in time for the ravenous all-nighters of exam period, two weeks o ftasting pizzas have culminated in The 43 2Guide to Pizza, Second Edition .

Our team of reviewers phoned tenrecommended locations in West PointGrey, of which seven delivered as far asUBC. From each of those seven, we or-dered two large pizzas, one vegetarianand one not - Ham and Pineapple orGround Beef and lFeta, for two. We gavethe room and phone numbers of Physsocand the street address of the Henning sbuilding, but no directions as to where

Crust Toppings,Can 8 .7 Can 9 . 3Dom 8 .6 Dom 7 . 3UBC 6.9 UBC 6.8Sas 6.9 Sas 5.9Pan 6.0 Pan 5.0Ted 3.1 Ted 4 . 0

Delivery TimQ CostDom 20 min . Pan $17.70Can 32 min . 222 $17.78UBC 42 min . Sas $18.80Sas 44 min . Ted $19.50Pan 58 min . Dom $23.50Ted 60 mini . Can $24.95222

>137 min. UBC $25.25

monetary donation of approximatel y$150. The Science interdepartmental foo ddrive challenge was won handily b yBIOSOC, but honourable mention goe sout to C S3 , the Micro Club, and Physso calso.

SUS extends warm thank-yous toall the students who donated to this wor -thy cause. Your generosity made up forthe pathetic shortcomings of others, whorefused to help out and make contribu-tions because they "had finals to studyfor."

The Food Bank is still in desper-ate need of food and money donations .Those of you interested in fmding outmore information about this cause shouldcontact theGreater Vancouver Food BankSociety at 689-3663 (Monday to Friday ,9am to 4pm) .

6224 Agricultural Road might be .Physsoc, of course, is not th e

easiest room in the world to find, nor i sHennings the easiest building. We ex-pected to have to give d irections to al-most every driver - but in the end, onl ytwo, Ted's Place and Pizza 222, ended upneeding any . Kudos to Domino's, UBC ,Sasamat, Panagopoulos, and the Candi aTaverna !

Finally, confronted by their piz-zas, the reviewers were asked to rate eachpizzeria on quality of crust, toppings ,sauce, and cheese, plus the overall calibr eof both the vegetarian and the other pizza,on scales of one to ten, ten being the best.A quick summary of the results is below .

Sauce, jieeseCan 8 .9 Can 9 . 1Dom 7.5 Dom 7 . 0UBC 6.7 UBC 6.9Sas 4.9 Pan 6.0Pan 4.2 Sas 4.5Ted 2.8 Ted 3.6

Vegetarian Other PizzECan 9.9 Can 9 . 0Dom 6.7 UBC 7 . 0UBC 6.6 Dom 7 . 0Sas 6.1 Pan 6 . 5Pan 4.5 Sas 5 . 6Ted 3 .0 Ted 2 . 1

Individual reviews on page 5 . . .

SUS Food DriveTriumphant

Editorial : That's All, Folksby David W. New

That's it . That' sseven. That' sthe last issue ofthe first term andthe end of mysuzerainty .

That' sten all-nighter strying to wrestlefive articles ontopage seven andfill page eigh t

with more than a Sales ad. That ' s hun -dreds of phone calls trying to trac kdown miscreant contributors. That' sthirteen weeks of postponing classesbecause the-paper ' s-due-in-an–hour-and-I'll-never-get-it-there-on-time-oh -no . That ' s it. That ' s a wrap.

That's the end of arguing withevery writer I met face to face abou thow to eliminate dangling modifier sand why to punctuate a quotation . That' sthe last of staggering, disheveled andbookless, into my courses, only to spendeighty percent of the lecture dreamin gabout the AMS Briefs and the other

twenty percent trying to figure out howthe use of dialogue in Dracula relates toKurt Preinsperg . That's the final vestiges offrantically holding a ruler to the Macin-tosh screen in a vain effort to guess howbig everything ' s going to be in real life .

That's that. That's all there is .That's the lot.

That's my contract, and contrac tup, I'm gone .

That ' s not to say I'm upset toleave — but that shouldn ' t imply I' mbored with staying . That's a silly sugges-tion: echoing Allan Fotherinham's clai mthat The Ubyssey is the best journalis mschool in Canada, editorship of The 432is probably the best publishing school o ncampus . That's a fact .

That's life in the editorship—yo uend up writing about five thousand wordsof copy for each issue, designing all th eads, doing all the proofing and layout ,and typing most of the submissions . That' sthe glory of the adrenaline thrill everysecond week as you struggle in vain to getthe beast in before deadline, and failin gthat, at least before it's supposed to come

out. That's the anxiety you feel a day anda half later, when, rested at last, you star eat copy after pristine copy of your news-paper as they migrate to racks acrosscampus, and finally dare to wonderwhether any of your editorial decision swere right this time around. That's therush of riding the bus home and seeing th ethree people behind you all reading th eissue you just put together .

That's the most wonderful emo-tion I've ever felt in my life .

That's over with, however: as Imove on to 1991, and the two conventio nbooks, one game, and three magazin eissues I'm committed to publishing nextyear, it ' s with the training that The 432gave me — and just compare this issue tothe September 5th edition to see whereI've come. That's valuable experience ;that' ll serve me well .

That's far from everything I'v egot to gush about, with my last issuefinally under my belt and an ego largeenough to burst the Aquatic Centre . That ' signoring the kind efforts of a great staf fwho helped me out whenever I ran short

an article, and the infinite patience o fSUS Council with my fortnightly cos-mos-bashing, nerve-placating tirades .That's really big of all of you — and it'sbeen such a relief to have had you be-hind me from the beginning .

That's the bestpart of all of beingSUS Editor — you get to see how muchtalent lies out there in Science, amongCouncillors and just-students alike, andfoster some of it into a newspaper thatthe entire faculty's proud of . That's quitethe responsibility, but the sheer exuber-ant thrill of being the first to read eachnew submission more than compensate sfor any momentary trepidation .

That's about it, really : and toeveryone who suffered my compan ythose hellish Mondays when nary a kin d(or true) word passed my lips, to al lthose people who adjusted to my infer-nally inconsistent schedule from day t oday (especially the staff at CollegePrinters!), and to all of you, for readingso loyally week after week what The 432has to offer . . . thanks .

David W. New, perhaps better known asthe feet in those mid-'90's Reebok com-mercials, joined the London Times as a nanalyst of amphibious military in 1997,and has spent all his days since engagedin rapturous naval comtemplation .

Letters to the Edito rDear Editor :

I am writing because of Shaw nTagseth's letter in the November 23rd

Ubyssey (asking why Captain Jean-LucPicard walks to the transporter roominstead of just beaming there –Ed.), butbecause I want an intelligent answer tomine — I'm addressing you .

What the hell is `beaming ' any -way? My best guess so far is that theposition of every molecule in a person' sbody is recorded, then reconstructed atthe place the person was beamed to . Howdo these particles of matter travel throughsolids then? Or do they blast apart theoriginal, and make a copy at the secon dsite out of whatever elements are around— in which case why aren't there stock -piles of carbon and hydrogen, etc ., in thetransporter room ?

And how can they know whereevery molecule is anyway? If their scan -ners are so great, why do they alwayshave so much trouble locating things, andwhy do they have to send search partie sand away teams out all the time — theyshould be able to scan all this stuff andfigure out everything that's ever existedon the planet. Does anyone have a betterguess?

And warp speed — why aren't th epeople on the bridge crushed into th efloor when they jump into light speed?

And why wasn ' t Picard youngerthan his brother when he returned to Earth?And how come in a recent rerun he wasable to speak mid-transport? And whyisn't the Holodeck always booked solid ?And what are photon torpedoes anyway ?And why does everyone in France no whave English accents? And why doeseveryone in the universe still speakEnglish? And how come every species inthe universe can still interbreed? Andwhy doesn't Riker just drop dead?

I anxiously await your reply .Alex Bal lScience 1

Alex, we contacted a senior officer o nthe U .S .S . S'Harien, a local Federatio nvessel, who explained a few of thes eapparent anomalies . The scannersaren't omniscient about planetary lif ebecause "sometimes there's interfer-ence with the beams, like radiation orunknown energy sources, among otherthings — ion storms, the like, can dis-rupt transporter mechanisms ."

As to warp speed, Federationships have a gravitational buffer whic his tied into the warp engines . People o nboard feel no acceleration .

The Holodeck usually isbookedsolid, but senior officers have prioritybooking. And everyone on crew i sequipped with a universal translator ,so they can understand each other.They don't speak English — but ifth eshow was broadcast in Galactic Stan-dard, nobody would understand it .

Not every race can interbreed.Look at the Medusans . (Or don't .)

And since you ask, nobody re -ally knows why Riker's still alive .

"Star Trek is just a show," sh esaid . "Anybody that takes it apart fo rscientific reasons has got to get a life ."

-Ed.

Dear Editor ,Hi. I'm the President of the newly-

constituted AMS club, the Advance dScientific Calculator Club . Don't laugh ,now, this is serious . The club is open to allstudents, but is probably only of interes tto Science and Engineering students .Membership is $5 .

We have already held workshopswhere members are given a tutorial o fsome of the more advanced and usefulfunctions of their calculators. In the newyear, we are having a contest where youhave to chug beer, and then solve mathe-matical problems . We may also have aslide rule (what's that?) time trial compe-tition .

We have been in touch with theWestern Canadian Hewlett Packard rep-resentatives, and they have expressedinterest (possible sponsorship?) in us .

Just to prove that calculators arenot just for keepers, we are having a partyin SUB 207-209 on Dec. 20 at 6 PM. Theparty will be featuring cheap alcohol ,good music, members of the oppositesex, and of course, our calculators . Foor

is potluck (i.e. please bring something) .Mike Smith

ASCC President

Dear Editor ,Hello, Science! Congratulations

on your excellent participation in th eE.U.S . Food. Bank Challenge . The Engi -neers once again emerge victorious! You

were our only challenger, since the rest ofcampus is a bunch of weenies with twigsup their butts . We won by number o fcans, by weight, and by amount of moneycollected, but you almost tied us by vol-ume, thanks to those ten bags of $1 .4 9puffed wheat. Anyways, lotsa food wascollected, and the Vancouver Food Bankis the real winner. Let ' s all do even betternext year!

Evie WehrhahnEUS First Vice Presiden t

Ahem. For a more, ah, unbiased repor tof the recent Food Drive — which ,incidentally, Science won, although theEUS did contribute about $150 of un-mitigated cash — please see page 1 .

-Ed.

NOTICE OF ELECTIO NStudent Representatives to serve on the Board o fGovernors and on the Senate .

This notice is a call for nominations for full-time students to runfor election for the following positions :

BOARD OF GOVERNORS — TWO student sSENATE — SEVENTEEN

students (five at-large and on efrom each faculty) .

Nomination forms giving full details of the requirements ofnominations are available in the Registrar's Office, the A .M .S .Office (Room 266 S .U.B .), and the offices of the Studen tUndergraduate Societies and the Graduate StudentAssociation .

Forms are available at the Science Undergraduate Societ yOffice (Room 160 Chemistry) from Catherine Rankel, SU SPresident, and Orvin Lau, Senator .

Nominations must be in the hands of the Registra rno later than 4 :00 p.m. on Friday, November 30 ,1990.

Power Outages Plague Distraught Campu s-by David 'W. New-

Two power substations in B-Lot suppl yWest Point Grey with electricity -- theentire UBC campus, and all student resi -dences. LastWednesday,November 21st,at 11 :30am, a transistor at one of themoverheated and blew, casting all of UB Cinto blackout . After an hour, at 12 :38pm ,Physical Plant workers had attached thepower cables to the secondary substation ,and electricity resumed .

In the meantime, most classes hadbeen cancelled. The downpour outsidemade little light available even for win-dowed areas — yet nobody wanted t owait it out outdoors . Main Library wascombed for people stuck in the stacks .

by Tanya RoseHello again! For our last issue this year ,we thought we'd do something on acro-nyms. Can you guess the words that for mthese acronyms? Good luck !

Theme: A.C.R.O.N.Y .M.S .

1-10: Easy - 1 point each ,1. CIA2. NATO3. DNA4. TRIU]VIF5. NRC6. NMR7. AID S8. ATP

Sedgewick Library staff, confronted byscanners which no longer worked, startedchecking people's bags as they left . Pro -fessors returning from 10 :30 classes weretrapped in the Buchanan Tower elevatorsuntil they could be freed.

Indeed, with no power to the ele -vatersandnoligihtsinthestaircases,anybodyon a high floor of Gage or Buchanan waseffectively trapped. The previous time agenerator blew, in the Angus Building, i twas three days before power resumed —speculation abounded regarding spoile dmeat in residence fridges .

At B-Lot, about half the gate swere open as power was cut. They nolonger shut, so parking proceeded a s

9. ' MADD10. NIMBI''

11-15 : Medium 2 points each.11. LASER12. SCUBA13. GATT14. START15. TNT

16-20 : Hard - Points each ,16. NIEO17. PAL18. SQUID19. UNTSO20. WIMP

Bonus Question - 5 points : HAMCHNY

normal. But at least three attendants hadto break their gates to allow cars egres sduring the outage. Meanwhile, workersat the power station struggled to restorepower in the main substation, an effortwhich for almost a week had not reachedsuccess.

The Physiology 301 lecture hadjust begun when the room was cast intoblackness; immediately, several student sfound the front of the room and beseeche dthe professor to continue. He did not.

One Economics 100 class provedto contain three students who carriedflashlights with them .

In SUB, all the AMS executiveand SAC personnel instantly grabbed thei rcoats and umbrellas and left the building ,as if the fire alarm had rung . After fortyminutes, they slowly returned. Nobodyin the building ]lost any data in computercrashes .

Hebb Theatre was evacuated fo rlack of ventilation systems .

The bus lines and telephone serv-ice were unaffected: BC Tel and BCHydro use different circuits .

In any event, the power came backon, and afternoon classes occurred asnormal . Then, the following Monday,November 26th, at 10:49am, the secon-dary power station blew as well, and allthe contingency plans people had justfmished making on Wednesday got to beused. Since the first substation was stilldysfunctional, Physical Plant teams la-boured to fix the second, and at 1 :14pm ,they succeeded in bringing it back up .What caused either overheating in the

first place is still unknown .Although Physical Plant claims

that a third blackout in as many weeks isexceedingly unlikely, such an event wouldplunge UBC into darkness during themiddle of an exam, with possibly disas-trous results . The University has no codi-fied policy regarding power failures in a nexam sitting; one of three things mighthappen, depending on the length of thecourse (one- or two-term) and the light-ing of the exam room .

First, if window lighting is stil lsufficient to see by, the exam would con-tinue without undue interruption. But ifthe exam is taking place in a windowles sroom or lecture theatre, the examinerswould have no choice but to call off thesitting. Then, for a two-term course, theChristmas exam mark would be proratedinto the second term trough an extramidterm or mid-January sitting — but aone-term course, especially a prerequi-site course like Math 100, would have it sexam deferred to a weekend or post-December 20th date, so as to compile itsmarks before the beginning of Term II .

A sufficiently large course, withpeople writing in multiple rooms, woul dnecessarily be resat, since no authorit ycould still know if all students were re-ceiving equal treatment -- some couldwell be in pitch blackness while otherscontinued to write .

Exams in which calculators arenecessary would be continued or resat a tthe discretion of the professor, dependinglargely on how many solar or LCD -readout calculators were in the room .

That's Trivial !

The F=ifth Commandmentknow whatbugs me? I'lltell you whatbugs me .What bugsme is when

— you're tellingsomeone a good joke and someone elseblurts out the punch line. I hate that .Here I am, putting in the effort to tellGus a joke, and Gus doesn't know th epunchline, but you can't tell Gus thepunchline because Morty, possessedby Satan, shouts out, "To get to theother side!" Now, why do people findit so darned compelling to blurt ou tsomeone else's joke :? Do they honestlythink it makes them seem better thaneveryone else? "Gosh, he knew thepunchline to a joke and I didn't. Hispenis must be longer than mine."There's only one way to deal with thesepeople . Break into hysterical tears, andhave a conniption, whatever that is .

The Knock-Knock joke isprobably the most successful joke ofall time. Why? Because it demandsviewer participation. With ariddle, youcan ask the question and then give theanswer, and the listener goes awa ywith a vague empty feeling, because hedidn't put a little piece of himself intomaking that joke humorous . The jokewas funny with or without him . Butthat's not so with the K2joke . (Like thenotation? Knock Knock: KK = K2 . Seeit? You're in Science; you should makethe link.) OK. Enough already . Wedon'tneed the colour commentary . The

fact is, a K2 joke is useless without thestraight man. You get that wonderfulfeeling of being partof something biggerthan the sum of the parts. They say,"Knock Knock," and you have to say,"Who's there?" and if you blow it thejoke falls flat on its face. You can't say,"Come in," because there's nothing funnyabout that and if you think there is thenyou should talk : to my sister who's hit meat least seventy-three times for saying ,"Come in ." She didn't fmd it funny. IRuined Her Joke . It was an unforgivablesin, up there with Catching A Glimpse OfHer Underwear, or Touching Her WhileYou Both Have To Share The Back Seat .

We seemed to have a differentconcept of The Seven Deadly Sins backthen. Sure, it was not good to kill people ,but there were many worse things. Backthen the Top Ten Commandments were:

1)

Obeyed' thy mommy and daddyor thou shalt be in for it.

2)

Thou shalt not make funny faceslest thy face freezes that way .

3)

Thou shalt not run on the stairs .Yea, thy hand shall holdeth yonrail thither .

4) Thou shalt eat thy vegetables, formommy is a vengeful mommy ,and thou shalt be denied the des-sert.

5)

Thou shalt not run with a stick.6)

Thou shalt not place thy elbow o nyon dinner table .

7) Thou shalt not hit thy sister (whohath just kicked you in a placewhose importance you hath notyet realized) for THOU ART

OLDER THAN SHE IS .8)

Thou shalt not play with thy food .9) Thou shalt refrain from scratch-

ing thy bum, even though th yundershorts art giving thou awedgie .

10) Thou shalt do it for I SAID SO.

That was it . Theft and killing were simplemidemeanors, let me tell you, because i fyou killed someone you would go to jail ,but if you kept playing with your food,you would be Backhanded Into TheMiddle Of Next Week, or you would getYour Brains Knocked Out. But the mostdreaded sentence for mommy to handdown was to command you to Wait Unti lYour Father Got Home, Buster . When h egot home, Dad usually junked himself o nthe couch and watched the hockey game,but I figured that it was because he wa swaiting until I wasn't expecting it andthen he would pounce on me and beat mewith a large steel beam .

But it never worked that way. Igrew up just as child beatings were begin-ning to go out of vogue as a type ofpunishment. Mother was none to happ yabout that, so she devised a way to geteven. She practised psychological war-fare . She made me wear courdoroy pants .

There is only one thing worse thansuffering the taunts of your `friends' whenyou are an overweight child . That is havingto wear those damned brown courdoroypants all the time, because they rub to -gether on the inside thighs and eventuallygive you second degree burns . And thenoise! Have you ever listened to an over -weight little boy in cords walking down

the halls? FrFFFFr'AT! FFFFFFFAT !FFFFFFFFAT! FFFFFFAT !

That's my mom . Don't let anybruises show . Work on their develop-ing minds! I would lie awake at night,in a cold sweat, because mom had toldme how I Would Be The Death Of Her.I didn't know exactly how I would endup killing her, but I knew it had some-thing to do with Driving Her To HerGrave just after I Drove Her Crazy . Iwould eventually receive the ultimatecurse : I Should Have Kids Just LikeMe Someday .

Then again, things were sim-pler back then. There were only a fewailments that could ever afflict me as achild . I could Break My Neck, usuall yfrom being in a tree . Or I could CatchPneumonia, from playing in the rai nwithout my slickers. I already men-tioned that I shouldn't run with a stick ,because I Could Fall And Break MyNeck. Or I could Put Somebody's EyeOut. That was the big one. We couldn' thave snowball fights, because Ther eMight Be Rocks In Them and we couldPut Somebody's Eye Out .

I never understood that one . Icould always pack the snow into aniceball harder than any rock could everbe, so who cared about stupid rocksanyway ?

Aaron Drake, already rich from royal-ties on his invention of the mattressrecycler, invested his entire fortune i ncapillary tubing just before the 1997crash . He now ekes out a living inPhiladelphia selling small rocks .

The 432 3

November 28, 1990

The Great Year-EndSports Report

-by RachelFarrall-

League sportshave beenwinding downover the pasttwo weeks.Exciting soccerand

fieldhockey final swere played i nBC

Place .Congratulations to the Science Women'sField Hockey team for their third-placetie! (OK, so there were only four teams —we played well .) This week, Ball Hockeyand Volleyball are finishing up — goodluck to BIOSOC's BioHazardous team inthe V-Ball finals !

Anyone who would like to pla yBall Hockey, Ice Hockey, Volleyball, orBasketball in Term 2 can sign up in SUSor in any of the department club offices .The deadline for registration is in earlyJanuary, so there won't be much time toget any new teams organized in the ne wyear.

Samizdat is a Rus -sian word . Natu -rally, its exactmeaning escapescomplete transla-tion into English ,but it has come torefer to the inde-pendent publica-tion of . . . well ,subversive or po-litically controver-

sial ideas. More than leaflets droppedfrom airplanes, or grievances tacked to achurch door, samiizdat suggests a certai nlevel of interaction . Through ongoingcorrespondence, subsequent writers con-tinuously append new points to theorigi-nal body of protest, as the written discus -sion evolves in a series of carefully -thought-out responses . In live politicaldebates, held insmoke-filledBrauhauser,this would certainly degenerate into slo-gan-swapping and the reinforcement o fcomfortable but utterly indefensible po-sitions — but by taking days or weeks todraft their contributions, the samiz-par -ticipants can filter out the bullshit anddistill something provocative for thei rreaders. If the goal is to ferment popularunrest, then the writer/publisher is forcedto recognize that the target audience mayhave a limited attention span . Get the idea'across by the time the typical shopper i sdone standing in line for their chicken .

Those of you who are pretendingto be wracked with liberal guilt becauseyou don't have to stand in line for chicken ,I'm sure would just die to be able to relateto this valiant samiz-movement . Well ,don't sweat it, 'cause you're already fa-miliar with its form. Some of you rou-tinely log onto bulletin boar' systems, orread the special topic forums n, for in-stance, Usenet. These media use the samebasic format as samizdat, but at a muchhigher rate of change . We in the allegedlyfree world lack the sense of politicalurgency (take for proof the voter turnout

Having been overwhelmed by T-Shirt design entries, the Sports Councilhad to deliberate for hours before it fi-nally chose Michael Chow as the winner ,with Elaine Wong taking second place .Third went to Lisa Pasin . All entrants canpick up their $5, and the winners theirfabulous prizes, in SUS — that includesyou, Tim . The new T-shirts will be avail -able in January .

If you forgot to get your sportspoints forms in, you can still fill one ou tfor the first term . The top participants willreceive prizes, and the most active clubwill get $100 . At the moment, it looks likethe Dawson Club will get this one, al -though Physsoc and CS3 are close behind .

If any of you submitted rebaterequest forms, they should be ready forpick-up by now, so don't forget to comeand get them. If you have any problems ,you can talk to the new Sports Treasurer ,Nicky Meola .

Rachel Farrall stumbled across a magicpomegranate in 1992, and now lives in anethereal luxury with her three pet hyenas .

in any recent U.S . election) that motivate sglastnost-era Soviets to engage in sam-izdat. But that particular mode of com-munication seems to strike a chord withus as well . Recently, our own BBS 's havebecome arenas for debate on issues lik eMeech Lake, Free Trade, disarmamentand the environment — to name a ver yfew. Of course, introducing E-mail andBBS's into the mainstream political con -sciousness means elevating the LyndonLaRouches of the world to a whole ne wdimension of annoyance. But since thismedium is by its very nature supportedthrough its amateur practitioners, it can' tbe dominated by the Big Money, e .g .PAC's and political parties .

Now for a groaner . Not content tosimply apply an existing term to this newwave in electronic activism, the Elders ofthe Bay Area have decided to call i t`samiz-data . .' Ouch.

Please bear in mind that the sam-izdata phenomenon has already emergedin the mainstream . During the 1989 (andongoing) crisis in China, a slack web ofprivately-owned fax machines providedthe medium through which normally (an dnot accidently) isolated communitie sstayed informed of events — up to an dincluding the Tienanmen Square mas-sacre . Subsequently, a goodly number ofthese machines were confiscated, theiroperators imprisoned. Which leads to thenext important point about samizdat(a) :namely, that it can get you arrested orshot . Sure, maybe not over protesting theGulf War, but in some places (I won't saywhich), it's conceivable that certainpeople might take a dim view of, oh, Idon't know, your views on bilingualism,say, and beat you up with hockey sticks .

What ham radios represented inoccupied Europe during WWII, faxes ,photocopiers and personal computer shave become in the post-Cold War era .

Samizdat was originally produced inbasements with presses and crudemimeographs, but resolution matters lit-tle as long as the ideas are there . Thetechnology exists now to affordably tur nanyone into an efficient publishing house .So not only can we paper the streets with

dangerous ideas, we can do it I N AyFONZ"wE WA NT.

As proved the case in China,samizdata's real power may be its speedof information transfer — when newsbroke of the events in Beijing, official scouldn't seize faxes quickly enough toprevent detailed accounts of the massacrefrom reaching the outside . The forcessuppressing the spread of information inNorth American culture have less to d owith any particular government's vio-lence than with the willingness of th eviewing public to accept the word of th ebig four networks as law. It can be star-tling for an American to see the foreignnews media's version of events and fin dit very different from Dan Rather's .American viewers tend to deify their newsanchors, regarding them as paladins inthe crusade for Truth, and few viewer sseem to care that the big networks are inthe entertainment business — and thisapplies as much to The Nightly News asit does to America's Funniest Mos tWanted. The time may come when theCB C will give way to FoxNorth and we'l lhave little recourse but to either tune intoRadio Havana or download our new sfrom pirate journalists in what was onc ecalled Eastern Europe. This is the Chin aSyndrome in reverse, where armies o fexpatriated Canadians conspire to informtheir oppressed brethren stuck in thechicken lines .

Patrick Redding's notoriety burgeoned in1996with his dramaticfaked suicide jumpoff the Hong Kong Towers . For years anunderground revolutionary hero, he no wtops the Authority's most-wanted lists .

The 432Volume 4, Number 7November 28, 1990

Editor :

David W. NewWriters: Aaron C. Drake

Rachel Farral lAri GiligsonTrent HammerOrvin LauDerek K . MillerDavid W . NewCathy Ranke tPatrick Reddin gTanya Rose

Artists :

Patrick Reddin gPhotography :

Peter SiempelkampPick-Up: Erik Jensen

Printed at College Printers .

Area: 9.652 x 10' m'- .Multiplicity : 3600.Frequency : 8.267 x 10-' Hz .Average printing speed :

2.873 x 10' m 2 /s

Rumour has it that if you g odown to the woods today ,you're in for a big surpris e— and as usual, rumour hit sit right on the button . Infact, today's festivities in th eUniversity EndowmentLands include three bird sperforming the aria from La

Traviata and a squirrel withan eating demonstration.The 432 is also there, pro-claiming to all who care thatit's published by the UB CScience Undergraduat eSociety and copyright by it svarious authors (or theSociety if said authors ar eanonymous) .

Deadline for submissions :Wednesday, January 2

Next issue : Tanuary 9•A new editor! Aaron C.Drake takes the paper t oheights never before imag-ined, especially by budgies.

The SUS News Counci lconsists of Aaron Drake ,Don Hitchen, Erik Jensen ,Dave New, Antoni aRozario, Jason Russell, andElaine Wong. (This is good

dirt, so remember it . )

G'bye all — it's been great!

Psst .Hey, all grads. Interested ingetting a Birks UBC grad

ring? Then come to CHEM160 and ask for Catherine . I'vegot all the inside price lists and

photos — these puppies areavailable in silver, or either

10K or 14K gold .

Science Week '9 1

HOME RE V

CoNmsFriday, January 25th

SUB 207/2094:00pm to 8 :00pm

For more info, contact theMicro Club at 228-3980

Entry fee: $5 per brew

Loose Canons by Patrick Redding

The 432

4

November 28, 1990

PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA !Candia Taverna228-9512 or 228-951 3

Fifteen minutes after hanging up with ourorder, the Candia phoned us back to saythe pizzas were ready, the driver washeading out the door, and the Henningsbuilding — that was just next to the Mai nLibrary, right? All told, delivery time(from hanging up the phone to meetingthe driver in the foyer) was 32 minutes .

Candia's Salad Pizza drew raves— receiving easily the highest marks ofany pizza we reviewed, even from peoplewho claimed to hate vegetarian . Moreimpressive yet, their second pizza, Pep-peroni Mushroom Tomato, scored thesecond-highest of any . And if the cos twas high, it wasn't the most expensive w ereviewed. Overall, the Candia Taverna i sby far the best pizza place we tried -- no tfor when you're desperate for a snack a t3am, but an excellent meal that won' tdestroy your stomach lining .

Domino's Pizza224-1030

We phoned Domino's, intending to hea dover to the SUB for some money, but thedriver headed us off by arriving in unde r20 minutes. The pizzas tasted good, too;the Domino's Ham and Pineapple wa sthe only pizza besides Candia's to re-ceive a 9 from anybody.

Domino's is the most expensiveof the three big chains, Domino's, Pana-gopoulos, and Pizza 222, but the closest ,the fastest, and the most knowledgeableabout campus .

Panagopoulos 2-for-]Piazza Place

222-000 1The cheapest place we reviewed, Pana-gopoulos was in every other respect themost generic . Its crust, toppings, and sauceimpressed only one reviewer, and its de -livery, while it didn't require directions,

"If Dr. Chandrasekhar is still alive, hemight be interested in knowing that 88 8words can be made out of his name, giveor take a few," wrote Michael Y.M. Chowwith his entry to The 432's 6th contest.He is, but we don't have his address —and, on the winning entry alone, over2000 words appear made from the lettersin the name Subrahmanyan Chan-drasekhar.

Kathleen Moore, after placingsecond in two consecutive 432 contests ,wins first prize — a Tiger Brand Sweat-shirt from the T-Bird Shop — for herhandwritten entry of about 2050 validwords (eventually, term papers pressing,we lost count) . "For want of a copy of theOED to hand," she wrote, "this list wascompiled through a linear search ofWebster' s Second Unabridged, with somecross-checking against the Oxford Inter-national Dictionary of the English Lan-guage (shorter, unabridged) for doubtfulcases . Since U.B .C. is not an American

took about an hour . If cash is your majorbarrier, Panagopoulos won't offend, bu tyou'll get no more than your money'sworth .

Pizza 222222-2222

Hanging up from Pizza 222, we were toldto expect our pizzas in about 45 minutes .After an hour and a quarter had passed ,we phoned them again in case they neededdirections — and apparently, the Hen-nings building was locked (an old 432was blocking the latch), there was nodoorbell (there is), and nobody was in-side (someone had been waiting in thefoyer). Besides which, it seemed we hadbeen extremely rude and ungrateful i nrefusing to accept the pizza at our com-mon block . (That the Hennings buildingis nowhere near any of the residence sseemed not to register with the reception-ist.) Nevertheless, the driver would tryagain, this time armed with our routeinstructions .

An hour later, we'd long sinc egiven up, and half the people had gon ehome, when Pizza 222 called for direc-tions . The man we spoke with, who ap-peared not to speak English, insistedvariously that "There's no sign in thelibrary," "It isn't . Agricultural Road," and ,mantra-like, "The road is dead ." Eventu-ally we ascertained that he had looked allover Gage and SUB for us, and wasprobably now in the Computer Sciencebuilding, but fifteen minutes' conversa-tion still failed to convince him that theHennings building existed .

The pizzas, had we ever receivedthem, would have been eight cents mor eexpensive than Panagopoulos' .

Sasamat , Pizza Factory224-2417 or 224-333 3

Sasamat Pizza took ten minutes morethan their forecast to deliver our pizzas ,which overall drew a mediocre respons e

institution, I have included a number o fwords described as 'Anglo-Indian, '`Scottish,' or `British Dialect' in origin .(Long live the Commonwealth!)"

Unfortunately, the OED disallow smost Anglo-Indian words as foreign ornon-naturalized, and the restriction onforeign words removed large chunks o fmost lists. Moore, for instance, had sub-mitted 2315 words in total .

Chow, who supplemented his 888 -word list with an addendum to bring hi stotal to 1313, had 1242 valid words fo rsecond place, Science Boxer Shorts . "Myentry is very thorough because I amworried about the competition . . . notablyKathleen Moore," he wrote. Justifiablyso, apparently .

Third prize, a Science T-Shirt, goesto Donald Acton of Computer Science,whose 22-page MTS listing of 1254 wordscontained 1166 valid ones.

Some honourable mentions : LisaPerson, of Science 2, only had 29 invalid

from all but one reviewer. A thin crus tand lots of grease marked their pizzas —which were, to be sure, quite inexpen-sive.

Ted's Place734-181 1

Despite several recommendations, thepizzas from Ted"s Place failed to impressany of our reviewers ; perhaps a quarter ofthe slices were finished . Served on awhole-wheat crust, the Vegetarian andthe Classic pizzas were both runny anddifficult to digest . The service, on theother hand, was quite good : although thedriver needed directions from the Hospi -tal, the restaurant phoned us after an hourto ask if he had arrived yet, and ho weverything was .

UBC Campus Pizza224-4218, 224-6531 or 224-0529

The Village's own Italian grease restau-rant drew third-place accolades in pizzacalibre . Needing no directions (or, in-deed, the address of the building), thedriver arrived in 42 minutes bearing tw othin-crusted pizzas with reasonably goodfood atop. UBC Pizza, however, was th epriciest of the seven, topping even theCandia without that other's exceptionalquality .

Postscript : Bella Pizza,Olympia Pizza, and the

Brick Oven Pizzeri aUnfortunately, these fine restaurants don 'tdeliver as far as UBC — respectively ,they ' re at Broadway and Hemlock ,Broadway and Trafalgar, and 27th andDunbar — but the reviewing staff heart-ily recommends them if you're orderingfrom elsewhere, or in the mood to eat out .Anywhere else . . . well, we didn't get to .Take your chances — we might hav eskipped the best of all .

words, bringing her to a fourth-place totalof 971 . And Andrea Kalouseh, Science 1 ,came in fifth with 829 . Others who sub-mitted lists of over 750 words includ eGiovanna Vassone and David Dyment ,of Science 3, and Christina Janits, Arts 3 ,whose entry arrived emblazoned with th esardonic comment, "At least I didn't usea computer. "

Finally, some mention must bemade of the entry of Alan Douglas, whosubmitted five words — This, City, Soc-cer, Team, and Best — with the note,"The contest clearly states that `whoevercan form the most words of four or moreletters from Dr. Chandrasekhar's name'will win . That was `name,' not `the lettersin his name .' Thus I claim that all otherentries are invalid as they are formedfrom the letters of the name, not the nameitself. This is the only valid entry." Andindeed, every letter in Douglas' five wordsis made of the words SUBRAHMAN-YAN and CHANDRASEKHAR .

The 432Volume 4, Numbers 1- 7

Editor: David W. New

Writers : Richard Bae, JohnBerges, Aaron C . Drake,Rachel Farrall, ClementFung, Ari Giligson, Tren tHammer, Caireen E.Hanert, Don Hitchen, SeanKelly, Orvin Lau, PhilipLedwith, Derek K. Miller,Shiva Mojtabavi, DavidW. New, Kurt Preinsperg ,Alan Price, Catherin eRankel, Patrick Redding,Tanya Rose, AntoniaRozario, Elaine Wong,Henry Wu

Artists: Cesare G. Battista ,Aaron C. Drake, Mik eJackson, Patrick Redding

Photographers: Aaron C .Drake, David Loh, PeterSiempelkamp

Researchers : Aaron C .Drake, Philip Freeman,Erik Jensen, David W. New

Reviewers: Michell eAnthony, Tanya Anthony,Claudio de los Rios, Aaro nC. Drake, Dave Eliezer ,Trent Hammer, Caireen E.Hanert, Don Hitchen, Clin tHocking, Erik Jensen ,Philip Ledwith, DeanMcGee, Hugh MacLeod,James MacLeod, TroyMillington, Fiona Murray,David W. New, PatrickRedding, Antonia Rozario,Mike Wilson, Elaine Wong

Typists: Aaron C. Drake,Ari Giligson, Orvin Lau ,Philip Ledwith, Derek K .Miller, David W. New,Catherine Rankel, Patric kRedding

Pasteup: Aaron C. Drake,David W. New, Catherin eRankel, Antonia Rozario,No Van Selst

Pickup and Delivery: TanyaAnthony, Amanda S .Everson, Don Hitchen, ErikJensen, James MacLeod,David W. New, CathyRankel, Antonia Rozario,Suzanne Saatch i

Distribution : ScottDavidson, Philip Ledwith,David W. New, PeterSiempelkamp, Physsoc,SUS News Counci l

The 432

PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA !

Chandrasekhar Dissected

November 28, 1990

Dik Miller, Private Eyeby Derek K. Miller

Dik Miller was last seen peeking underthe flap of a tent in the Arabian desert .No, he is not simply a voyeur (note that Ididnot say that he is not a voyeur, period ,but that he is not simply one) : he is tryingto find out what the mysterious AngelaCrisco and her two compatriots are do-ing changing into Arab garb. So that' swhere we are . (By the way, this is by farthe longest continuing Dik Miller sto -ryline ever. Feel proud to be its witness.)

When Crisco and her assistants had fin -ishedchanging, they pulled on fake beardsand strode to the exit of the tent. I droppedthe tent flap and scuttled, crablike, alongthe wall so I could see where they weregoing. They piled into a 4-wheel driv etruck which was attached to a trailer.Being trained in the specialized P.I. tech -niques of hanging onto moving vehiclesand not being noticed, I crouched dow nand clambered into the trailer. Of course ,the highly-trained military personnel inthe front didn't notice me . (If they had,this wouldn't be much of a story, wouldit?)

We rumbled out of the militarycompound and into the trackless desert .Well, okay, it wasn't trackless . Months ofmilitary manoeuvres had packed much ofthe sand flat with tire tracks, tread trails ,and drag marks . But it was still desert,and damn hot. I was stifling, hiding as Iwas under blankets and gear stashed inthe trailer, and the constant bumping upand down wasn't much help . In fact, I wasgetting rather nauseous, and hoped w ewouldn't go too far before I puked .

After several hours, I was hotterthan I could stand and really ill, so Ibrought out my Dik MillerTM HandBlender/Fan/Socket Wrench and used i tto cool my face . Bad move .

"What was that?" cried a voicefrom the front.

"Sounds like a fan," said another .Crisco's voice was next . "Stop the

truck. "We skidded to a stop. I shut off my

What does the K in K-Mart stand for?Salmon don't run . They fish.Ever try to adjust the brightnes s

control on your TV set? The peopledon't get any brighter.

These are some of the questions thatplague Dan Quayle, Vice-President ofthe U .S . of A. Last year, Questions Fo rDan Quayle was a regular column in The432, asking all those questions that needto be asked — like what's another wordfor Thesaurus? If 7-11's are open 24hours a day, 365 days a year, why arethere locks on the door? Who brings babystorks? Where is effigy and why are peoplealways being burnt there? Questions Fo rDan Quayle states the profound state-ments that need to be stated — continen -tal breakfasts aren't that big. And alarm sdon't go off: they go on, for crying outloud.

So here is contest number seven :THE QUESTIONS FOR DAN QUAYLECONTEST. Give us some questions thatwe should ask Dan Quayle . Enter once, orenter often : there will be prizes for thebest entries and for the most entries . So

fan."It's gone now," said the first

voice."Check it out anyway," demanded

Crisco .Creak. Slam . Trudge, trudge,

trudge, trudge . Flip.The blanket was cast aside, and

blinding desert sunlight hit me square inthe face. One of the Arab-dressed assis-tants was standing over me.

"Hi," I said. Then I waved. Then Ibarfed on him .

When I regained consciousness, I waslying in the back of the truck . My jaw hurtquite badly .

"That's funny," I said. "I've nevergotten a sore jaw from throwing up be -fore ."

"It ' s not from throwing up, " Cri-sco countered. She looked rather funny i nArab headgear and a beard . "After youpuked on him, Johan whacked you in thejaw and knocked you out . "

I turned my head to the right to seethe assistant still wiping stains from hisrobe .

"What did you say his name was?"I asked.

"Johan. Johan Adolf Fritz vonLSwenbrau."

"German, is he? ""No . ""I see," I said . I didn't. "And the

other guy?""He's Butch Trucks.""The drummer for the Allman

Brothers Band?" I inquired, excited. "CanI get his autograph? "

"Er . . . no, he's not that ButchTrucks," Crisco chided . "They're no trelated."

I sat back . "Angela Crisco, JohanAdolf Fritz von LOwenbrau, and ButchTrucks . How did three people with suchunusual names ever get together? "

"It's a long story, and we don' treally have time to tell it, since you're no tsupposed to be here and we have to takeyou back to the base."

enter now !Of course, this contest will extend

through the Christmas vacation, so youhave a choice here. You can either dropyour questions off at SUS (CHEM 160and if we're not there, just label them forthis contest, with your name and phonenumber, and slip it under the door) o rmail them to us over the holidays .

Our mailing address is:

Attn: Questions for Dan QuayleScience Undergraduate Society

do Dean of Science6270 University Blvd.

UBCVancouver B C

V6T 1W5

Prize for most entries : A DoonesburyCollection Book (selected by winner)

Prize for best entry : A Bloom CountyBook (selected by winner)

Second Prize : A SUS T-shirt & BoxerShorts

Third Prize : A SUS T-shir tFourth Prize: A SUS Baseball Cap

"But what are you doing?" I won -dered, stalling for time.

"Do you seriously think we'regoing to tell you that? "

"Yes . ""We're not.""Thanks a lot. I'm not going back

to the base, though . ""Why not?" she demanded."Because I refuse to be stuck in a

cooped-up tent, watched over by aime dguards . So I'm staying with you ."

"No you're not.""Yes I am.""Oh, no you're not.""Oh, yes I am . ""Oh, no you're not.""Oh, no I'm not.""You don't think I'm going to fall

for that one, do you?" she chided . "Thereis a third option . "

"What's that?"She nodded at Johan and Butch,

and they picked me up and pitched meinto the burning sand. The truck lurchedand sped off into the distance.

Two hours later I was ambling throug hthe dunes with my Dik MillerTM Han dBlender/Fan/Socket Wrench on HI and aDik Millefrm Canteen by my side . Offnear the shimmering horizon I saw pal mtrees and a languid pool, beckoning meon .

"Must be a mirage," I said .So it was. Within a few seconds i t

had changed from a view of palm trees toa view of the New York City skyline .Soon after that, it became a 747 jet, thena mountain range, then a giant pig, then . . .

"Hold on a second," I muttered .(Hey, with hundreds of miles of desert

-by Orvin Lau-You did check your exam timetable . . . ?No? Well, you'd better. The final draft isout, printed on blue sheets of paper an dposted on bulletin boards all over cam-pus. Make sure you know when and whereyour exams are, and don't miss any ofthem. If you do, there is no recoursewhatsoever. None.

There was a Senate meeting onthe same day thatThe 432's last issue cameout. It was a tense one: the motion cam eup to review the Senate guidelines whic hbar students from being involved in ap-pointment, promotion, and tenure deci -sions — and it passed . Barely. The un-official count is a 35–25 vote in favour ; ittook one minute to count, and for a whilethere, I thought it was going to fail .

We also appointed the membersof the teaching evaluations committe ethat was established last meeting. Since Imoved the original motion, I'm on it, theother student reps are Wendy King (sena-tor at-large) and Ben Prins (from AppliedScience). In total, there are eight peopleon the committee . We should be meetin gsoon, and calling for input sometime nex tterm.

If you read The Ubyssey, twostories on this were printed in the No -

I broke into what is as close to ajog as one can achieve in loose sand .Soon the ever-changing apparition wa sgetting closer—something mirages don' tgenerally do . After a few minutes I wa scoming over the crest of a dune an dslowed to a walk. And there it was .

What it was is another matter. I twas big, in any case . In a large, rockydepression sat a huge parabolic mirror . Itwas projecting the images I had beenseeing (which now included the entirestadium, crowd, and players of the latestSuper Bowl),life-size . The imagechangedagain, and this time it was of a huge massof attacking footsoldiers.

Then I understood . The U .S . mili-tary had created a huge holographic pro-jection device which could be used toconfuse the Iraqis into thinking they wer ebeing attacked, causing them to waste alot of ammunition on an illusion. Ingen-ious . And pretty perceptive of me, eh?

Now all I had to do was find ou thow it worked.

As Dik continues on his nosy (and ridicu-lously knuckleheaded, as far as we'r econcerned) journey into extreme danger ,will he find out how the projector works ?Will he discover Angela Crisco, JohanAdolf Fritx von Lowenbrau, and ButchTrucks somewhere nearby? Will he everrun into any Iraqis and make things re -ally exciting? Wait until the new year andfind out!

vember 16 issue; however, the editorgoofed, and one of them didn't make anysense . What's happening is that althoughthe promotion-and-tenure-review-com-mittee motion did pass, it hasn't beendecided who's going to do the reviewing .It may go to the teaching evaluationscommittee, or it could be that a separatecommittee will be set up . Personally, I' dlike to see the teaching evaluation scommittee that I'm on to do the review .

Recently, a few people have ap-proached me and asked if there really isan actual person called The Registrar .Well, there is; and surprise, surprise, he' sthe top guy at the Registrar's Office.

If you are considering running fo rthe Board of Governors or Senate, th enominations are due on Friday, Novem -ber 30 at 4pm at the Registrar's Office .

And in closing, good luck on yourexams, and have a happy Christmas holi -day. Always remember the words of BartSimpson: "Don't have a cow, man!"

Youprobably recognize Orvin Lau's nameas host of the popular TV show, ThoseWacky Wallabies. But before becomingthe celebrated Australian naturalist he istoday, Lau earned three doctorates inFrench, Mathematics, and Metallurgy.

ContestNumber7

Dr. Miller graduated from the Universityof British Columbia in 1990,1992,1995 ,1999, and 2004. His works on neuro-surgery and Spenserian lyricism are classic sin their respective fields, and almost a s

around me, who was going to hear me famous as his spectacular suborbita ltalking to myself?) "Mirages don ' t do parachute therapy sessions . His lifelon gthat."

goal has always been to breed cicadas .

Senate Shorts

The 432

November 28, 1990

Questions for Dan Quayle That's Trivial! Answers2 .

Central Intelligence Agency

14 .North Atlantic Treaty Organiza- 15 .tion

16 .DeoxyriboNucleic AcidTRI-University Meson Facility

1 7National Research Council

1 8Nuclear Magnetic ResonanceAcquired Immune Deficienc ySyndromeAdenosine TriPhosphateMothers Against Drunk DriversNot In My BackYard

Tri-NitroTolueneSTrategic Arms Reductions Talks

How did Colonel Sanders ever get to be aColonel selling chicken parts? Why onlyeleven herbs and spices? How many o fthem are herbs?

Who really wants to know whythe chicken crossed the road, anyway?Some people have no lives . . .

What happens when a slightlyresistable force meets an almost immov -able object?

Can a cat be as sick as a dog? Howsick is that anyway? Is it sicker than abudgie, but not as sick as a warthog?

They keep telling us, Coke Is It.But they don ' t tell us what It is . Carbon-ated brake fluid? Possibly . . .

Aquaman bugs me . For a super-hero he's pretty lame . What does he do?He summons fish . That ' s a pretty narrowscope for a super-crimefighter . How inthe heck will that stop an armed robbery ?What's he gonna do — call in a lobster?I'm sorry, but :[ just don't feel threatenedby some guy in tights and a cape thatthreatens to summon . a trout .

Or Wonder Woman's invisibleplane. There's a real stealth device. Everycartoon I've watched with her plan eshowed the plane being invisible, but no tWonder Woman herself.

What happens to all the umbrella s

-by Trent Hammer -Here's what did and didn't happen at th eOctober 14th AMS Council meeting .

DIDS :1) The honourable Dr . D . Strangwayaddressed the Council in a brief question-and-answer session where tuition in-creases, recycling, safety on campus ,daycare, University development an dStrangway ' s Future Vision for U.13 .C .were discussed. The impression I wasgiven throughout this session was tha teven though there will be approximatel y200 million dollars raised for develop-ment on campus, Strangway is still main -taining the academic portions of the uni -versity with the same funds as they'v ealways had . Hell, if the public and corpo -rate sectors are open to funding the re -search facilities, they should also helpfund the education of those who will bethe future lifeblood of these facilities .2) The School of Family and Nutri-tional Sciences was granted $400 fordelegates to attend a conference at th eUniversity of Moncton ., New Brunswick .(Note : you'd have to pay me more than$400 to get me to go to New Brunswick . )3) Council decided to take part in anAnti-Discrimination workshop to edu-cate us about ways to fight racism . Thi sworkshop will be open to all members ofStudents' Council, AMS committees ,SAC, and Service Organizations . If you'reinterested in attending (the date is yet tobe set), please contact me in the SUSoffice or talk to members of the Anti -Discrimination Committee .

DIDN'TS :1) Representatives from the AMSWomen's Centre and Volunteer Connec-tions were supposed to speak . They didn' tshow .2)

A record 9 motions about refer-enda were tossed out because there was

we lose? I personally go through one aday . There must be an umbrella grave-yard somewhere .

And I bet they're buried with al lour missing socks . In our missing lug -gage.

Why do they call them black -boards? They're green .

They ' re not, not typewriters .They 're typeprinters . Someone in mar-keting made a boo-boo.

What the hell is a boo-boo an dwhat do people do with them after the ymake them? Do they take our umbrella sto the umbrella graveyard?

Why do they call them sweatpants ?Ever see one of them sweat?

What is a cubby anyway? Why d owe put holes in them ?

In baseball, why do they call themstrikes? Nothing's been struck . It's beenmissed .

There's nothing classified about aclassified ad. Anyone can see them . Theyshould be called . unclassified ads .

Boy, we're reaching, aren ' t we?Why are they called Deans? Wh y

aren't they called Larrys? Then we' dhave Larry Barry McBride .

If you recharge a dead battery, is i tan undead battery ?

no real unity within Council about whatto do with quorum . As things stand righ tnow, for a referendum to pass, it mus treach a quorum level of 10% of the stu-dent population voting in the affirmative .This is to ensure that anything passed b yvote is truly wanted, and to ensure that thestudent population is informed that thevote is taking place. I believe in quorumas it is set . Other council members be-lieve that this is a scummy way of main -taining the "Status Quo" and that ther eshould be no quorum, and still othersbelieve that quorum should be lowered soas to make it easier to reach . In my opin -ion, there are two ways for an issue not t omake quorum : if the referendum is poorlyadvertised, and if nobody really caresabout the issue, There should be a lotmore about this mess at the November 28Council meeting (6 :30 pm in room SUB206), so please attend if you want tothrow in your two bits.3) A motion by Kurt Preinsperg forthe AMS to fund a workshop on Con-structive Ways of Addressing Male-Fe-male Relationship Issues was defeated .The cost would have been approximately$1600.

NOTE : Next meeting will be a real joke— after each motion, a different Counci lmember will tell one joke to Council . I fanybody has a really good joke that isn'tracist, sexist, or homophobic, and tha tdoesn't attack Newfies, Surrey girls ,Artsies, Aggies, Foresters or any othe rminority, please contact the Cheeze Pubat 228-3818 .

Trent Hammer got out of capillary tubin ginvestments just before the crash, and ha sdevoted his life to the degradation ofliving conditions for bureaucrats . He nowsits as the Member of Parliament forWhitehorse South .

3 .4 .5 .6 .7 .

8 .9 .

10 .

Light Amplification by Stimulate dEmission of Radiatio nSelf-Contained UnderwaterBreathing Apparatu sGeneral Agreement on Trades an dTariffs

-by CatherineRankel-

November 15 / 90•Well, what can Isay? More clubbudgets! The As -tronomy Club go t$50 and the Bio-chemistry Physi-ology Pharmacol-ogy club took off

,. :r with $896, whilethe Dawson Club (Geology) got the much -needed sum of $140.

•Orvin 's Senate report informe dus that Arts and Science may be redoin gtheir admissions requirements .

•Science Sales is having a sale ,and by the time you get this paper it willbe half over. Everything is at cost, so sto pby one of the four locations (see the adthis issue) and pick up on hot SUS duds .We also discussed the feasibility of get-ting plastic Science mugs .

•The deadline for the TeachingExcellence Award has come and gone ,but Black and Blue Review question-naires are still being accepted until No-vember 30th . Please submit your com-pleted forms to CHEM 160, in the box bythe microwave .

•The Astronomy club is planninga trip to Mexico next year . The weekendof January 19th-20th, they ' re visitingDominion Astrophysical Observatory inVictoria.

•BIOSOC had a skating party onNovember 17th .

New International Economic Or -derPermissive Action Lin kSuperconducting Quantum Inter-ference Detector

19 .

United Nations Truce SupervisoryOrganization

20 .

Weakly Interacting Massive Par-ticl e

Bonus Question : Have A Merry Christ-mas and a Happy New Year !

Tanya Rose was a writer for Jeopardy !until the show folded in 1998, when sh etried poetry under the pseudonym Ophe-lia Zurp . Her most famous book is Yeah .

•The Micro Club's Geek Night onNovember 23rd went well .

•CS3 held a successful bzzr gar-den the other week .

•The PSA had a great wine andcheese on November 16th .

November 22 / 90•Council passed a motion to donate al lproceeds from the pop cans in our offic eto the food drive .

•Dean harped about the SALE thatis NOW ON. Please stop by and have alook at what we're providing for you .

•Aaron agreed to make boxes forThe 432 this weekend.

•The President's Choice Dancewent very well, for those of us who werethere . I'm sure you'll hear all sorts of neatthings about the boat races, of which theBloc Physsoc team (Radical Beer Fac-tion) is the reigning champion . As formyself, I'll never look at another beeragain . We look forward to seeing you a tthe Science Week Dance, January 25th .

•Plans for Science Week are go-ing marvellously, thank you very much .It's going to be an action-packed wee kand you'll be missing out if you don' tcatch at least one event.

•Otherwise, good luck on yourexams and Merry Christmas !

Two months before graduating, Cather-ine Rankel suddenly decided that her truecalling in life had always been tropica llandscaping. She moved to Brazil in 1994and has spent the last twenty years plant-ing coffee on the rainforest floor.

Hey You .The Black & Blue Review

forms are Out There some -where. Someone should

have talked to at least oneof your classes about the m

— or if not, you can fin dthem at any departmenta lclub office or SUS itself .

Just fill out one column fo reach Science prof you hadthis term, and return the m

to CHEM 160 by Novembe r30th — and everybody'll b e

as happy as Smurts .

Whoops.It seems that we at The 432went and got too environ -mentally friendly for our

britches, recycling all ou rcopies of Volume 4, Issue 5

— that's the Hallowe'e nissue, with the RNA in th elogo — without grabbing

any for the SUS archives .So to the first eight peopl ewho bring us a reasonabl y

good-condition V .4 N .5 ,we'll pay a quarter each .

How's that for resale value ?

AMS Briefs

11 .

12 .

13 .

Fie Drawers of SUS

The 432

November 28, 1990

Thank You and Goodbye-by Antonia

Rozario-On Thursday, No-vember 29th ,1990, I will finallybe graduating witha B.Sc . in GeneralBiology. For moststudents, thi swould be a causefor celebration ,merriment, and

self-gratification. I, though, being thegood-natured, soft-spoken, easy-going ,God-fearing, freshly-packed person thatI am, have taken the time to reflect onthose individuals who have influence dmy life. If you would allow me this oneprivilege, I would like to take this oppor -tunity to thank all the "special people "I've met at UBC who have gone out oftheir way to somehow influence m yundergraduate life.

To the UEL Campus Police :Thank you ever so much for ticketing m yfather's car when I parked it illegally for11 minutes outside the Student UnionBuilding . As the car is no longer legall yinsured, you can expect your parkin gticket money about as soon as hell freezesover .

To all the university janitors:Thank you for never striking in the las tfour and a half years, and for alwaysdoing a good job mopping, polishing and

cleaning. I may not tell you often enoug hthat I appreciate the work that you do, bu trest assured that your arduous labours g onoticed . On a more personal note, I ex -tend my sincerest thanks to the kind jani-tor who worked in the washroom of theWoodwardlRC Building in March 1989 .Lending me that coat hanger enabled meto fish out my house keys from the toilet .I apologize for taking so long to thankyou and for never asking you if youneeded that coat hanger back.

To the library monitors a tSedgewick and Main : Thank you forberating me on four occasions for chewin gjube jubes in the library. I'm sure thesexual perverts appreciated the free unsu-pervised time you gave them to sit nude i nthe stacks .

To the Ubyssey Staff: Thank youfor consistently coming out with detestibl earticles and editorials . Thank you fornever representing me morally, ethicallyor politically, and for never being objec -tive, impartial or fair. If I had ever takenyour work seriously I probably wouldhave been offended.

To ICBC: Thank you for proc-essing the five accident claims I had las tyear . Thank you also for not placing m ein the ICBC Hall of Fame when I acciden-tally rammed into my parked Toyota withthe Chevy Impala I had borrowed fro mmy father .

To my university professors :

Thank you for always using my grades toshade the left side of your bell-curvedmarking scheme. Thank you for neverwriting a Physics, Chemistry or Biochem -istry midterm I could pass, and for usin gme as an example of how not to study .

To TELEREG: Thank you formaking me spend of six hours trying toregister for my third year courses. Than kyou for refusing to enrol me in any of 14completely differentArts courses in fourt hyear and for diligently repeating, "Thereare no more available sections . . .," atleast 125 times.

All in all, UBC was good to me .I'll miss the Lime and the Reptile, bu totherwise I leave with no regrets .

Antonia Rozario opened a downtownManhattan public speaking clinic in 1993 .Seven years later, she became PresidentMacAndrew' s chief speechwriter, and hasserved the White House ever since .

-by Ar iGiligson -

"Hey, that wasreally a goodarticle!" "Thepaper lookedgreat!""I lovedthat funny ad! "These are thetype of com-ments thatanyone in -

volved with the SUS often hears aboutThe 432 ; many times from people noteven in Science. Whenever somebodyaddresses such a comment to me, I say ,"You should tell Dave New ; he's the guythat did most of the hard work . "

But, who is Dave New? Wheredid he come from? Where is he going ?And, does he know a good bagel when hetastes one? First, the reason that I'm tell -ing you this is because a) Dave is modes tenough not to brag about himself in hi sown publication, and b) I had to writesomething at the last minute this week.

I met Dave in first year at thePhysics Society. He seemed to be thetypical first-year scholarship kid, with atwist. The twist was that he was eccentric— not eccentric by accident but by voli -tion. We met again when it turned out tha tboth of us would be the two first-year rep sfor SUS . We had a good time that yearfighting for the SUS cause . We both hungaround the SUS office (more like a close tin room Scarfe 9) . And Dave would dothings like altering the names on themessage board . For instance : Todd Ablettbecame Todd Oblate, Julie Memory —Julie 2K RAM etc . (I did not . I onlymade lame puns out of four people' snames, and I wish I'd thought of thos etwo first . -Ed. )

Did I mention that David New (o rAphid Newt) was eccentric? Well, apartfrom his hair, one must talk to Dave todiscover this . For instance, I don't thinkthere is a spell-checker yet programmedthat can beat him, nor does anyone Iknowof in Science have quite the same sensi-tivity for grammar. Dave finds lexicogra-phical contortions, typos, oxymorons andverbal ironies (expressed or implied) to

Science Week '9 1

TRliK~ ACE T-SHIR T

DESIGN CONTEST

Deadline extendedto November 30/90

rDesign the winningT-shirt and wi n

fabulous prizes* !

*Designs should include"UBC Science Week 1991,"

"4th Annual Trike Race."

Science Week '9 1

be hilarious. In fact he is often ,seenlaughing at some text or sign that other sfind quite plain and boring . And when Isay laughing, I really mean the sort ofsound a Volkswagen makes on a coldmorning when you try to start it.

Anyway, we continued into ourbrilliant second year with the SUS, my -self as AMS rep and Dave in no definabl eposition yet always hanging around, readyto help and writing for The 432 . It was atthe end of second year that Dave came u pwith a brilliant suggestion . Since the yearto come would be the UBC 75th Anniver-sary and various campus groups weremaking applications to Community rela-tions to host some sort of special anniver -sary event, Dave thought up a creativ etheme for Science Week 1990. The them ewas supposed to be an alien landing bu talas, for various reasons, it never cametogether . However, Dave, having beenappointed Science Week Co-ordinatorfor the following year, worked up a pro-posal for Community Relations whichdid net SUS some money to hold a rathe rgood Science Week anyway .

I was mentioning before about thebagel . You see, somehow — you'll haveto ask Dave for details — he had nevereaten a bagel until he reached the age of20; thus at his 20th birthday party, almos teveryone in attendance brought a bage lfor him to eat. Speaking of which, Dave' sParties are very surreal events. If he everinvites you, be sure to go, but don't holdany expectations . (That's all I'm going tosay .)

So now that you know a bit abou tDave New, make sure that next time youcome by the SUS Office you look to seeif there is a long-haired, behatted mansitting behind the Macintosh . If you likedsomething in the paper, tell him; if youwant to contribute something, tell him.And whatever you do, don't tell him Iwrote this.

Architect, gardener, and disinfectan tentrepreneur extraordinaire,Ari Giligso ntook over the editorship of the NationalEnquirer in 2002 . His autobiography ,Reptile from a Previous Life, sold eigh tmillion copies last year.

Giovanna Vassone quaffs a cup for the Radical Beer Faction boat race tea m

Science SalesBeat the G.S .T. this week only! Sales boothsare up Wednesday and Friday in Chemistry,Hebb, Wesbrook and Woodward — or anytim ein CHEM 160 !

(Almost) All Items At Cost!We make no commission on sweaters (from $29 .00),

sweatshirts (just $16.25), windbreakers (only $30 .00),or jerseys (the ludicrously low sum of $25.00),and you get the best deal we'll ever offer again !

Remember — if you as now, not only can you take advantage of this wonderful sale that we're putting on for just such folks as you —really, we ae — but you even get to avoid paying G .S.T . on all those nifty duds you were saving up for after Christmas to buy. So

prices won't just add a commission, they'll add tax (ugh) too, and just simply rocket through the roof (but still affordable, of coulee, thi sbeing your friendly neighbourhood Science Sales we're talking about here, just not quite so eminently affordable as they are now an dnow only) . Imagine( Why, you could buy a Science V-Neck sweater for your best friend, and just think how delighted she'll be cameChristmas mom. "Oh, Batthdomew!" she'll nay, replacing "Bartholomew" by whatever your name might happen to be . "How couldyou have known that's exactly what I wanted - -led in your choke of time designer colours, too!" Or maybe you'll get a mysterious

package yourself that fateful afternoon, bearing a beautiful black Science T-shirt with white and gold puff ink — and you'll be forced t orue the Ill fortune which prevented you from going to Science Sales' BatThe-G.S.T. Sale and giving just such a perfect gift in return ."Oh, Rumpiesnitrkin," you'll say, replacing "Rumplestltzkin," appropriately enough, with the name of your benefactor, "how coul dyou have been so perceptive to my every want? You must have been to Science Sales and taken full advantage of their $1230 Pike! "

And then Boxing Day will cane, and you'll start partying in earnest, and you'll forget the whole beakless like you do may year .

ommentAr i

The 432

8

November 28, 1990