THE ESSENTIAL

Referee Mindset

Awaken The Brilliant Referee Within

by Peter Papp

First Edition, 2013

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. FOREWORD 5

1.1. WHAT DID MOTIVATE ME TO WRITE THIS BOOK? 6

1.2. WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK 7

1.3. HOW TO USE THIS BOOK 8

1.4. WHAT WILL YOU LEARN? 10

2. MENTAL TRAITS OF AN EXCELLENT REFEREE 11

2.1. PERSONALITY 11

2.2. HOW WE WORK 14

2.3. WHAT SKILLS DO WE NEED TO HAVE? 17

3. CHALLENGES REFEREES FACE 19

3.1. CONTROL THE PROBLEMS YOU CAN CONTROL 19

3.2. WHY IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS? 21

4. NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING 22

4.1. WHAT IS NLP? 22

4.2. WHAT’S DIFFERENT NOW? 23

5. AWAKEN THE BRILLIANT REFEREE WITHIN 25

5.1. THE BASIC MOTIVATION PATTERN 27

5.2. ENHANCE MOTIVATION AND BUILD PERSISTENCE 29

5.3. DEAL WITH STRESS 33

5.4. SET GOALS THAT WORK 36

5.5. ERECT CONFIDENCE 40

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5.6. GET FOCUSED 45

5.7. LEARN TO BUILD RAPPORT – CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 48

5.8. CONTROL YOUR ANGER 52

5.9. MODEL YOUR HERO 55

5.10. NEW BEHAVIOR GENERATOR 57

5.11. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT – THE AS-IF PATTERN 60

5.12. MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS – STATE INDUCTION 63

5.13. MISTAKES INTO EXPERIENCE 65

5.14. SELF ESTEEM QUICK FIX 69

5.15. BE OPEN FOR CRITICISM 75

5.16. PROCRASTINATE PROCRASTINATION – THE EXCUSE BLOW-

OUT PATTERN 80

5.17. BASIC BELIEF CHAINING 84

5.18. FAST PHOBIA CURE 86

6. BUILD GOOD HABITS 90

6.1. MEDITATE 92

6.2. LEARN THAT YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH 94

6.3. FLEXIBLE MIND 98

6.4. STRENGTH TRAINING 100

6.5. GRATITUDE 103

6.6. GET ENOUGH SLEEP 105

6.7. REPLACE OPINIONS WITH CURIOSITY 108

6.8. BREATHE 110

6.9. TREAT FAILURE AS A LEARNING OPPORTUNITY 112

6.10. TURN PROBLEMS INTO OPPORTUNITIES 114

7. WHAT’S NEXT? 116

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1. Foreword

Imagine yourself on the court. You referee the best game in your

life. Superstars occupy the court, and the crowd yells on the

stands. They are ready to do what it takes to support their

favorites, and you deal with the enormous pressure.

You are in the perfect state! You focus on one thing with

confidence; the Game. You make excellent calls, everything is

under control, the players and the coaches accept you and your

decisions. The crowd diminishes every time they see you are not

the one who bends under stress.

The game is fast and tough. The score doesn‘t come untied for

long, and both teams fight their best to be the champion. There

are all kinds of difficult calls you can imagine. You truly have to

give your best here, and expect even the unexpected. But

everything ticks now!

Players hassle a lot, abuse each other, there are a lot of trash-

talk. The coaches live with the game, shouting and jumping all

around. There is even a fight starting that you manage with

quickness and sharp calls, calming down the players and have

them focus on the game. Finally fair play wins, and a buzzer

beater decides the war.

You are extremely exhausted - in the good way. Everybody

comes to you to and congratulates on the perfect game. Your

supervisors cannot say anything else but ―thanks‖ for being with

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you and your team tonight. There were some tiny errors, but they

aren‘t worth to be mentioned.

Everything is perfect!

Pleasure shines on your face when you come off the court for

being acknowledged. Dopamine and endorphin releases in your

brain and you fly!

Do you like this scenario? Do you want to experience this game-

by-game?

Then this book is for you.

1.1. What Did Motivate Me To Write This Book?

I have been a basketball referee since 1997, my age of 17. I

passed my international referee exam back in 2006, and I have

been officiated many hard-hitting games both in the Hungarian

championship and abroad. Though, I hung my whistle for 3

years, I think I learned much more on refereeing while I was off.

For some other reasons, I began to study Neuro-Linguistic

Programming which has pretty much to teach you on

communication, rapport, influence, focus, and winning attitude,

some of the most important characteristics of an exceptional

referee.

I’m on my way, just like you, to reach the top. I only found it

worthwhile to share some of my knowledge and experience with

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others who share my passion. I facilitate and encourage

conversation on the topic… but more on it later.

I am hungry for the game and I want to share the edge I gained

from self development with motivated referees like you. Part of

the reason I do this is to help you to be a better referee and most

importantly take pleasure in what you do. Besides, structuring

and writing about the topic is undoubtedly useful for me as well.

This book is primarily for referees. Though, I think coaches,

players, and any other participants of the game will also find

useful information on these pages. You will be able to understand

the mindset that makes you better in sports and gain some

insights with tips to use in order to excel in other areas of your

life.

1.2. Why I Wrote This Book

Being a top referee in any sports is an extreme challenge. You

need to be an exceptional person with great athletic abilities,

even if you sit in a chair all game long. You must show empathy,

be modest, and at the same time, you must be strict and effective

to make difficult people behave. You have to promote Fair Play.

Everything changes, but challenge is constant. You compete with

your fellow referees while you must cooperate with them. If you

don‘t do it, the team, or the lack of team thereof, will ruin your

game, no matter how good referee you are.

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These are only a few of the challenges we face every single

game and situation, and we need some guidelines to excel.

There are many resources on what makes a good referee, and

very few on how to do it.

My mission with this book is to give you the tools you can use to

stand out from the crowd.

1.3. How To Use This Book

I don‘t say it‘s enough to read this book.

In order to succeed, you better take whatever makes sense for

you and actually do it. That‘s a different story. You can tell your

grandchildren great theories how big you could have been and

criticize your fellows, but that‘s not how you will be happy,

balanced and successful. I encourage and help you to make

experiments with the exercises in this book. If you do so, I

guarantee that you will grow, and actually enjoy doing it.

I structured the book the following way to help you do the work.

In the next chapter, you can read about most of the psychological

traits of admirable referees. I draw a picture on the ideal you, and

you can get an idea about your targets. Feel free to take only the

traits you think are applicable and do your best on those areas. It

won‘t work overnight, but applying the knowledge in later

chapters will put you in direction. I‘m talking about personality

traits, work ethics and skills.

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Next, I‘m going to discuss some of the challenges we face. The

focus will be on the ones we can change, and why it is so difficult

to change them. Then, I briefly introduce the science behind the

resources, neuro-linguistic programming, in the fourth chapter.

I will show you how to build yourself up for the challenge. I will

talk about techniques that can be used in dozens of situations.

You don‘t have to do them at the first read, you can always go

back and complete the exercises. Commit yourself to do them

only if they make sense to you.

I set up a challenge in the sixth where I give you the exact steps

you can take to strengthen your mind, and build habits that keep

you moving towards your goal, and be the best referee you can

be.

You may feel the urge to jump to the exercises and I invite you to

be patient and stay with me here. You can make much better

results going through the whole book than with only the

techniques; however, the exercises along with the habit make up

the core of this book.

Are you curious about how you will improve your daily life as well

as your games?

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1.4. What Will You Learn?

You may be interested about what you will benefit from learning

this book. So, here they are. You will learn to:

• set achievable and aligned goals and reach them,

• motivate yourself even during difficult times,

• cure fears about making mistakes,

• understand participants better,

• get focused during the game,

• change your limiting beliefs,

• handle stress effectively,

• deal with conflicts easily,

• control your emotions,

• redeem self-esteem,

• deal with failures,

• learn fast,

• and build good habits that last.

Learn something every day, and accomplish your dreams.

They will push you to the relaxed state of perfect experience

while refereeing, constantly. I know it‘s a great promise, so try

me! Challenge me and let me know where you need more help at

refereemindset.com.

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2. Mental Traits of an Excellent Referee

I tried to collect most of the important mental characteristic of a

top official in order to help you with areas you want to develop.

Change doesn‘t occur overnight. It goes step-by-step, until you

retire. Nobody is perfect, so I don‘t aim for perfection. I want to

achieve and enjoy the process. Here are some of the areas

where you can do it, too.

2.1. Personality

Passion

I can‘t tell you how important it is. Being a referee is a tough job.

You are away from your family a lot, you are cursed all the time,

and people will remember your failures more than your

successes. You need a great deal of passion to be able to do it.

Integrity

Without being spotless, you are out. No sportsman will take you

seriously. They may fear you, but as long as you hang your

whistle, the rumors will kill your reputation. This one is so

expensive, no money can buy! Be honest and fair at all times.

Curiosity

If you read this, that one is surely yours, and it‘s a good

foundation. Indifference is the enemy of achievement. You need

a drive to learn from your mistakes and find out how to get things

done.

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Humility

A good ref will behave modestly; deliver respect on the court. If

you don‘t value your fellows, you hardly can expect the same in

exchange. This doesn‘t mean you should give in to various tricks

form players, but you definitely must respect all of the

participants.

Reliability

You must be there 100% mentally and physically, and must be

reliable to manage the game in a fair and professional way.

Commitment to fitness

Body and mind are connected, so you must be fit. Period. Your

mental toughness builds upon it. It‘s like the foundation of your

house. You cannot build castle on drift. From distance,

everybody sees the correct call (especially supporters, and after

the fact), but on the court you have to be on the best spot to

make it right. Although, this is beyond the scope of this book, I

wanted to mention it.

Patience

You can be the best when nobody cares. Of course, you‘d better

be the best you can be when you get the chance to be

supervised by important people. Everybody gets at least one

chance. Be patient and have fun waiting while you work on your

officiating. The better the preparation is, the better your chances

are when time will finally come.

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Communication

Essential communication skills enable you to be understood and

followed by players, coaches and fellow referees. Without proper

communication, how do you expect them to do what you want?

Motivation

This is of crucial importance; I assure you, there will be tough

times. And throughout those hard periods, you can only rise fast

with strong inner motivation. I will show you how to create it.

Persistence

Just like motivation, it plays a crucial role in keeping up solid

performance during periods of poor form and valleys.

Empathy

It‘s simple. You get it only after you give it. Sometimes it seems

for strong personalities that empathy ruins the picture of the

authority, but it‘s a misbelief. One must be careful here; keep the

balance. Too much empathy will result in hard emotions that

sabotage your tough calls.

Common sense

Sometimes rules cannot be applied because the game is

different. You need to have common sense and intuition that you

trust and act on.

Credibility

People accept people who they think are trustworthy.

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Fair mindedness

It‘s not difficult to be fair when you like both teams and all the

participants. The art is being fair when it is not the case. The only

way to long term success is to be fair at all times.

Courage

Nobody likes weak referees. You have to be able to sacrifice

your short term popularity to grow. Be brave enough to make the

tough calls when you have to. Sometimes you need to take risk

to stand out of the crowd.

Elegance

Your look plays a major role. I know, because for long, I thought

my rock star hairstyle is more important than being accepted. I

rebelled, but I had to admit I am much more ahead now, pleasing

or at least not disturbing the eyes of others. It doesn‘t imply that

you have to be beautiful, though. It means what it says; be

elegant. Although, you can balance your visual disability by being

better in other areas, you are definitely ahead if you do your best.

2.2. How We Work

Professionalism

Being a referee is not some game you play to pass the time. You

need to put 110% on the court every week in order to stay ahead

of the game. You also have to look and talk professionally in

order to be taken seriously.

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Good work habits

Aristotle said ―We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then,

is not an act, but a habit.‖ How we work is much dependent on

who we are. To reach full potential, we should embrace the

habits of the excellent referees.

Self control

Good referees maintain composure, keep emotions in check, and

even change negative sentiment like anger or frustration. They

are able to change behavior consciously, even in the most

difficult situations.

Independence

It means developing one's own ways of doing things, guiding

oneself with little or no supervision, and self-dependence on

getting things done. I respect your autonomy, that‘s the reason I

encourage you to try before you believe anything I write in this

book.

Stress tolerance

We have to control what is inevitable. Stress is there and it can

help us to be a better referee. I will tell you how.

Attention to details

As you get a sense of the big picture – behavior and personality

of the players and coaches, importance of the game, etc. – you

need to be able to drill down and notice the changes in the flow

of the game, and react to them. You also need to be able to

control many things at once, and be aware of tiny details about

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your movement and personality. Controlling details makes an

exceptional referee out of a good one.

Adaptability/flexibility

Maybe it‘s not so clear at this moment in time, but you will

understand (when we talk about rapport) how the most flexible

element controls the whole system. For now, just accept that it is

as important as being strong and confident.

Social perceptiveness

A top referee is a human being with social skills. They are able to

grab and pay attention to other people. We are, at the end of the

day, here to have fun. Respect each other. Social intelligence

helps you be more widely accepted.

Cooperation

You want to cooperate either with your team or with other

participants. Teamwork is the basis of every successful

officiating.

Leadership

Everybody, or at least you surely want to be a top referee. This is

not possible without leadership skills, since it‘s rarely the case

you officiate alone. If so, you still have to lead the participants

into fair play.

Friendship

You don‘t want other fear from you, do you? In my humble

opinion, it‘s the characteristic of weak referees. Be approachable

so people can count on your fair judgment.

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Effort to achievement

No success is possible without first putting in the work. Beverly

Sills once said ―there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”

Decisive thinking

Yes, you have to decide. Sometimes make hard decisions, and

you have to be ready for it at any time.

2.3. What Skills Do We Need to Have?

Active Learning

Learn something every day. Learn from your mistakes, learn from

experienced referees. This makes you grow.

Active listening

We will see while talking about rapport, that active listening is

crucial to really understand someone. This is the first step

towards influence.

Persuasion

If someone violates the behavioral norms, you have to be

persuasive enough to cool them down. This is one of the most

important skills in conflict management.

Service orientation

The game is not there for us. We are there for the game. We

serve the participants to enjoy the game and fight in fair play.

Refs tend to forget this, so you better keep reminding yourself.

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Stay cool under fire

There are skills to handle tough situations. Be prepared for the

inevitable.

Ability to teach

If others learn something from you, your credits skyrocket. If you

teach something, you begin to understand the topic more.

Knowledge of the game

I will not talk much about this, but you know you constantly have

to develop your knowledge about the game you officiate.

Communication

You need to communicate well in order to get your message

across. It contains verbal and non-verbal communication as well.

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3. Challenges Referees Face

You face the ultimate challenge every time you put on the referee

uniform. Awareness is your friend. The first step is to know what

affects your officiating. Focus on the ones that are within your

control, take care of the situations that ruin your game, and

accept all the others.

This book, besides other benefits, is to help you see the

difference between them.

3.1. Control the Problems You Can Control

Lack of focus

You may know the rules 100%. You may even be able to decide

situations on the tape after a couple of slow motion and rewind,

but you will choke on the court without proper focus.

I know many excellent referees who continuously make big

mistakes because of poor concentration. It is especially true after

a long trip to the game, leaving the office, or simply with a busy

mind. They may be able to call the most difficult situations right,

and fail with the easiest ones.

This is a common problem you can learn to prevent, though. You

will see how.

Handle failures

Do you remember a situation where you knew you had a huge

mistake and the whole game was a failure after that? How much

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would you pay to forget it right at the moment? Another example

is when your whole game is a mere failure. How do you get over

it?

Lack of confidence

How can you achieve confidence whenever you want? In a

heartbeat, you will be able to put yourself in the confident state

with NLP, soon enough.

Stressful environment

Yes, you‘re right. You may not be able to control the

environment, but you can control how you react. It‘s not stress

that forces you out of the game, but your answer to stress.

Weak teamwork

Without a TEAM, there is no success on the court. Lack of

rapport in the team makes your job much more difficult. Break

out of the burdens and be a good partner. Be a team player.

Manage conflicts

There are players and coaches who go war on the court. Of

course there are problems.

Fear of doing something wrong

This is fundamental, and even if it‘s rare, it has a huge impact on

our officiating.

Little or no experience

How? You may ask how you can control lack of experience. Stay

with me and you will find out how you can use your imagination

to be a better referee.

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3.2. Why it’s So Difficult to Solve These

Problems?

Picture one of your games. You are in an imperfect mood with

some garbage on your soul. You start the game and you are

already tired.

Then it begins. You feel mentally down, your concentration is

low. How do you reflect on this state in your mind? How is your

self-talk?

I bet it is like ―oh shit, I‘m so freakin‘ wasted, hope I won‘t make a

mistake‖, or ―oh God, let me get over this game soon‖, maybe

―wish I could miss this game‖. Either way, you‘re out of focus. It‘s

not the state you want to be. You have to make every effort to be

IN the game!

You want to be focused, confident, sharp. Be ready for the

challenge.

The thing is, it‘s so difficult, because we are wired to do exactly

the opposite every time. Our autopilot works on following

patterns, and chances are high that these patterns are out of

date, so we keep going into the same trap that kicks us out of the

game.

Bad news: nobody else is able to solve it, but you! The question

is: how?

Good news: I will show you the way just in minutes now, read on.

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4. Neuro-Linguistic Programming

4.1. What is NLP?

A computer hacker and a linguistic professor did find a way to

model excellence in the 1970s. They took the best hypnotists and

the most successful people of the age, and tried to figure out how

they stand out from the crowd.

The result is Neuro-Linguistic Programming. In short, it is a set of

tools and techniques you can use to create excellence.

Imagine your mind as an operating system which is responsible

for all the actions you take. They run according to subconscious

programs which need to be updated from time to time. With NLP,

you can upgrade you operating system whenever you want to.

Be it about habits, behavioral change, phobia cure, changing

limiting beliefs or setting goals, NLP is the collection of

instruments that help you tap to the resources that prove quality.

You may don‘t know it yet, but you can change easily. NLP works

with the subconscious, so the changes are deep and lasting. It

unleashes your resources already within you to be who you really

want to be.

We will put on some work on habits to make the change more

natural and lasting.

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4.2. What’s Different Now?

Be with me for a moment here and now, and imagine an apple in

your mind. You can go on and close your eyes after you read this

sentence, and imagine the apple.

Done?

Good. How does it look like? Is it red or green? How big is it?

Does it shine or is it spotted? Is there any fragrance? Do you feel

its taste? How is the surface? This is how you perceive this apple

with your nervous system.

Just imagine it thoroughly in every detail possible. In a couple of

words, formulate how it looks like, how it feels to be there, what‘s

the fragrance, and so on. This is linguistics.

Visualize the same apple and in your mind, but now, change it to

be more appealing to you. It can be bigger, brighter, different

color, anything. How did it change? I mean the feeling. Do you

want to take a bite? Do you struggle with your salivation? Good.

Basically that is programming.

Feel free to change it to the way it appeals to you the most. With

this simple exercise, you can change your feelings.

You may wonder, ―what the heck are you talking about?‖ Well,

I‘m letting you know what the founders of NLP understood. We

are human beings whose imagination can bring the same result

as the actual experience itself. We will use this to grow.

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This is a powerful! It opens so many doors and makes change so

easy, you cannot imagine right now, can you?

The wise man said it for a reason.

――LLooggiicc ccaann ttaakkee yyoouu ffrroomm AA ttoo BB,, bbuutt

iimmaaggiinnaattiioonn ccaann ttaakkee yyoouu aannyywwhheerree..‖‖

~~AAllbbeerrtt EEiinnsstteeiinn

Still, it is not only about visualization. There is a lot more to it. We

have multiple choices with NLP to adjust our emotions and

behavior according to the situation. It will not only serve you as a

referee, but support you as a friend, a parent, a spouse, a

businessman, and in every imaginable area of your life.

It will change how you live by giving you choices.

You will know what I am talking about after you do some of the

exercises.

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5. Awaken the brilliant referee within

This was only a demonstration how your imagination can change

directly how you feel about things. But are you able to change

with simple techniques like the apple trick?

Yes, you are! All you need to do is set your goals and be flexible

enough to change until you reach them. NLP gives you the ability

to change, therefore offers you choices. That‘s why it‘s so

valuable.

Set up your strategy, make the change, collect feedback,

iterate.

This book will teach you how to change along with the best ways

to learn new habits, too, and I encourage you not to believe a

word I tell you before experimenting it. We are all different. There

may be things that work for me but don‘t work for you. And before

taking a trial, you cannot really decide what‘s best, can you?

The techniques I‘m about to show you are credited to various

NLP developers and practitioners like Richard Bandler, John

Grinder, Robert Dilts and many more. You can find these

descriptions of them throughout the internet and in various books

on NLP. I adjusted them in order to serve as tools specifically for

referees.

Curiosity is a key quality of great referees, so grab your chance

to take it seriously, and learn the skills to exploit your potential

and referee the best games you can referee.

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――NNeevveerr ssaayy nneevveerr,, bbeeccaauussee lliimmiittss,, lliikkee ffeeaarrss,,

aarree oofftteenn jjuusstt aann iilllluussiioonn..‖‖

~~MMiicchhaaeell JJoorrddaann

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5.1. The Basic Motivation Pattern

Motivation makes you start doing things. And most of the times,

the start is the most difficult. After you‘ve gained some

momentum, you can immerse in the activity.

Let‘s start and get going by a simple visualization technique.

HOW:

1. Imagine enjoying a key achievement. Imagine that you

have achieved one of your greatest dreams in life.

Imagine yourself fully enjoying it. Experience the sights,

sounds, and feelings of this enjoyment. How do you know

when you get there? Close your eyes, and see what you

will see when you achieve that goal. Be in your own body,

and see the picture clearly, vividly. Make it 3 dimensional,

bigger, brighter. Hear the sounds you will hear, smell the

scent of victory, and feel the taste of success in your

mind. The more detailed, the better.

2. Enhance and anchor the state as a pleasure

motivation state. Amplify the compelling and

motivational aspects of this experience. Do this by

adjusting submodalities, by making the picture bigger,

brighter, more vivid, turn the volume of the sound up, and

immerse in the feeling. This is a pleasure motivation

state. Anchor it by making a fist right before the feeling

tops, and release when it starts to disappear.

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3. Future pace with this state. Carry these feelings into

imagining yourself taking steps that will actually move you

toward your dream outcome. Trigger your anchor for the

pleasure motivation state to enhance this state.

4. Test. In the coming days and weeks, notice if you find it

easier to take steps toward this or other dreams or

desired outcomes.

Feel the difference in your motivation after this exercise and

start doing! Momentum is your friend. Hop on it and ride

until it lasts.

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5.2. Enhance Motivation and Build Persistence

Motivation is the base of the building we want to raise here. You

can perform well once or twice, but I doubt you can run far

without it.

To put inner motivation in place, you have to understand why you

do what you do. If you know your core values and the big WHY,

you will be able to live through even the worst storms in your life

and build the skills you need in order to rise. You should truly get

a sense of your deepest roots; why you put on the uniform each

week, and then you will be able to do whatever it takes to be a

better referee.

I stopped officiating in 2008. I don‘t regret anything, and this is

the way it should have been, but now I see that this was a

mistake. I‘ve found some reasons to validate my decision back

then, but I know that lack of motivation was the real problem.

I‘m sure you are motivated. Otherwise, you wouldn‘t read this

book. But inner drive is so important in pushing yourself top the

top, that I thought maybe it‘s beneficial to raise your motivation to

the highest level possible.

Knowing your values will take your life to a whole different level.

But there is much more to it. You will face a lot of distractions,

failures, and hold-backs along the way. It doesn‘t matter how

talented you are, you need to run the extra-mile and put in the

necessary work to get to the top. You need superior motivation.

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As the old saying puts it wisely; ―When you feel like quitting, think

about why you started.‖

HOW:

1. Get into a relaxed state. Do anything you have to do to

become relaxed and comfortable.

2. Complete a list of values by answering these 3

questions.

1. What is most important to you in officiating?

2. If you had your 80th birthday tonight, celebrating

with relatives and friends, what kind of words

would you most appreciate them saying about

your life as a referee?

3. If you had to give up on everything you have, but

get to keep one characteristic of your 'old life',

what would it be?

Write down your basic values. List the most important

ones. You can find some common values after this

exercise.

3. Go higher in the value hierarchy. When you have found

out your basic values, answering the questions above, go

further and ask yourself: What is important about that?

Keep asking to elicit some more and more fundamental

values.

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4. Determine the hierarchy by evaluating each value

versus another. At this stage you take each of the values

you chose in the previous step, and determine their

importance hierarchy. You do so by taking each value in

order, and comparing it to each other. Is 'Health' more

important to you than 'Affluence' (most likely)? So now

'Health' is bumped up the list, before 'Affluence'. Now is

'Health' more important to you than ‗Faith‘? If yes, it goes

up the hierarchy again. And so on, you take each value

and compare it to each other value in the list. It takes time

and patience. But when you're done you will feel a very

unique emotion – decisive composure.

5. Perform an ecology check. In many NLP patterns we

have a 'Test' step as a last one. In this pattern we prefer

to do an ecology check, since you cannot really test your

values. Either you feel right about a value or you don't.

But your current values and the hierarchy, in which they

are organized, might not be very useful for your current

outcomes. Values and their hierarchy are changeable.

Perform an ecology check by asking: "Does any of the

challenges in my life seem logical now that I look at this

list?'; “Is there a better way of organizing my values so

that they would fit to my current needs?"

Here's a list of common life values: Health, Love, Freedom,

Contribution, Fun, Creativity, Family, Growth, Passion,

Carefulness, Affection, Accomplishment, Decisiveness, Wisdom,

Service, Talent, Simplicity, Virtue, Reliability, Friendship,

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Respect, Resolve, Originality, Openness, Mindfulness, Longevity,

Leadership, Intimacy, Generosity, Gentility, Faith, Grace,

Enthusiasm, Experience, Uniqueness, Endurance, Dominancy,

Direction, Commitment, Security, Balance, Beauty, Care,

Courage, Encouragement, Fitness, Agility, Helpfulness,

Hospitality, Mastery, Impact, Modesty, Organization, Peace,

Power, Privacy, Reason, Realism, Serenity, Sympathy,

Toughness, Trust, Youthfulness, Wonder, Punctuality,

Productivity, Perseverance, Intuition, Independence, Flow,

Discipline, Self actualization, Charm, Certainty, Awareness.

I know it’s not easy, and that is usually the case with really

valuable things. The goal of this exercise is to realize your

deepest level of motivation. Why you do officiate? You will

be able to start doing things to improve and weather through

inevitable storms.

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5.3. Deal With Stress

In Hungary, we have a saying: “If you are a slut, you should

expect to be fucked sometimes.”

Good referees usually love the game they officiate. You know

what makes you tick on the deepest level, so you have the ability

to motivate yourself. Let‘s learn a technique that makes you able

to emerge above any stressful situation.

You can change the way you feel about any negative feeling and

anchor the relief for the future.

You use submodalities for this purpose.

Let‘s talk about modalities first. We store every memory in our

brains with the help of our representational systems. Visual

(pictures), auditory (sounds) and kinesthetic (feelings) senses

accumulate the information we experience and determine the

way we feel and respond to it.

Bandler and Grinder (the cofounders of NLP) discovered that the

way we respond (basically how we feel about a particular

situation) depends on the submodalities. Namely, how we store

those pictures, sounds, scent or taste in our minds.

Consider the following example.

1. Imagine your local championship game for under 16 girls

in the high school gym.

2. Now a 2nd league senior game with 100 spectators

3. A 1st league game

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4. A major league game

5. The final of the championship

6. FINAL OF THE OLYMPICS OR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS

How did the pictures change while thinking about them? They

became bigger and bigger for most of the people resulting more

excitement. The quality of the picture, the sound, and the feelings

are basically the submodalities. We can play around with them.

HOW:

1. Take a deep breath and think about an unpleasant

memory on the court (or in life) you feel uncomfortable

with. It can be anything that makes you feel bad. What

pictures come to your mind? What sounds do you hear?

Is there any scent or taste associated with the memory?

2. Change the submodalities (like in the apple trick before)

by shrinking your image, pushing it farther and making it

black and white. If it is 3D, make it flat. If you see it

through your own eyes, dissociate. Turn down the volume

of the sounds, or make them pleasant or even ridiculous.

You can add some circus music if you want, or if there are

people involved, you can make them look funny with

some ugly clothes or no dress at all. Change the smell

and the taste of the memory in order to be more

appealing to you. Experience freely!

3. Test it. How do you feel when this memory comes up? If

it didn‘t change, try to change something more.

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How do you feel now? It‘s better, right?

This exercise can be done in minutes and once you start doing, it

soon becomes second nature. Almost immediately, you will find

yourself doing it automatically, handling any stressful situation

right at sight.

Stay cool, it‘s exciting, but we have much more fun to explore.

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5.4. Set Goals that Work

Another important aspect of persistently striving for excellence is

to set achievable goals. You may have heard it many times.

You may even agree with me that it‘s more important to have

your goals aligned to your core values.

Let‘s assume that one of your core values is being honest. In the

meantime, you are working in a company that wants you to sell

products that you know are bad for the clients. Will you still be

able to reach your targets? I don‘t think so. (Believe me, it‘s a

real world example.)

You set your goals to reach them, but you will only get there

when they are aligned with your identity, beliefs, and values.

If you want to achieve your target, NLP offers a pattern to form a

detailed and specific goal called well-formed outcome. In the

process you will get some additional motivation as well, and it‘s

more of a ―toward‖ motivation rather than ―away from‖. Although,

a very good target has to include some ―away from‖ motivation,

since we are wired to be driven by both. It depends on cultural

patterns we follow, and sometimes we need more of the ―away

from‖ stuff.

That is the reason I added an element before the actual

technique. Feel free to do it now, or come back later to

experience the power of your subconscious drive.

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Using ―away from‖ motivation

Think about a game when you felt you did a poor job and the

feedback verified it. Live in this feeling just for a second. See

what you saw with your mind‘s eye, hear what you heard in your

mind‘s ear. Just for a moment, relive that shocking incident. For a

second, feel the bad feeling you never want to experience again.

At this point, decide consciously that you never want to feel it

again and you do whatever it takes to avoid it.

Many NLPeers will argue with me on this, but I think it‘s one step

to take. To let go of the feeling, use the technique learned in

chapter 5.3 to push them away.

And here comes the fun!

HOW:

1. Answer this question in positive term: What do I

want? The positivity is of an extreme importance here.

What you don‘t want is insignificant. Say what you DO

WANT.

2. Transform into sense-based language. Imagine that

you‘ve already achieved this. How will you know when

you get there? What evidence will tell you that you

achieved your outcome? What do you see? What do you

hear? What do you feel? Take an observer position out of

your body, and then go inside.

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3. Make it self-initiated and self-controlled. Ask, for each

part of the outcome, “How am I connected with this

outcome through things that I directly cause?” Be sure,

you are the only person in full control of reaching your

outcome.

4. Contextualize the outcome. Describe the

circumstances. When and where should it occur? Who

else is there? Is it ongoing or just at certain times? DO

INCLUDE the sacrifices and demands that come with the

goal. This is very important.

5. Secondary gain and ecology. Check your parts. Does

every part of you feel comfortable with the goal? If not,

align your goal to feel total congruence in your body and

mind. It is an important step, because once you aligned

your values and motivation, you have in a much better

position to succeed. Ask yourself what is there about the

status quo that might give you a reason to stay stuck?

Might your subconscious give you any reason to sabotage

your plans? Address these problems in your outcome.

You will have those forces set you back. You‘d better deal

with them now, rather than facing them later.

6. Resources. Being realistic about costs and sacrifices

gives you some ideas about how to align your outcome

and what steps you need to take to reach them. At the

place where you achieved your goals, look back on the

road and ask yourself: What did I need to achieve this?

39

List all the resources and milestones that come to your

mind, and write them down. You can make a mind map

out that contain all the resources you need and steps to

take.

7. Whole system ecology. A helpful question here is: If I

had it now, would I take it? Check the broader ecology,

meaning your friends, family, schools, regulatory

agencies, businesses and so on. You should reach a

state where all parts of you align with your outcome. It’s

worth to deal with these tough questions before you start

and take action. Feel the congruence with your goal.

You should have a fully aligned, time specific goal with all

the resources you need written on a piece of paper after this

exercise. If you do have them, your chances to fly high have

already increased dramatically.

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5.5. Erect Confidence

I used this ambiguous word for you to get a feel of how

confidence looks like. You may now see yourself being confident

in any past situation. Either while refereeing or doing anything

else.

Take some time and find that memory. If you are still alive, it

means that you have at least one. One of the presuppositions of

NLP is that you already have all the resources you need.

Perhaps you struggle sometimes to use them, but they are

already within you. Find your most confident state, or the most

recent one, if it‘s easier.

So, what does confidence look like? A straight body, heads up,

relaxed and alert at the same time? I have some bad news here;

you cannot fake confidence. But you can access the state at any

time. I‘m showing you how.

Do you know Pavlov‘s dog? In his experiment, Pavlov

conditioned the sound of the ticking metronome to food,

switching the metronome on and immediately presenting food for

the dogs. Soon, salivation started without giving them the food.

The sound of the metronome was enough to reach that state.

That‘s anchoring.

It is a classical conditioning according to psychological terms,

and we will use it to anchor that confident feeling.

So feel free to imagine that confident situation in your mind. See

every detail, hear every voice and relive it fully in your mind.

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Notice the feeling with it. Where is it in your body? You may even

smell something, maybe there is some taste (a glass of

champagne for example) with it. Relive it. See, hear, smell, taste

and feel it, in your mind. This way, you can access the state of

confidence.

When you are there in your mind, make a fist. Make it before the

feeling tops out and release when it starts to disappear.

Feel free to repeat the process a couple of times. Remember, the

more detailed the context of the feeling is, the better results you

will get.

Now come back. Look out of the window or do something else for

a moment.

Now you can test it. Make a fist and notice the full confidence you

have. Ready to ROCK!

That‘s all! Fire the anchor (making a fist) regularly to make it

stronger and stronger. If you notice you feel confident at any

time, anchor it again.

Or, you may try the NLP exercise called the circle of

confidence.

HOW:

1. Stand up, close your eyes, and go back in time until a

point where you were absolutely confident. It can be

any experience. Even shaving your beard perfectly,

building a beautiful castle in the sand, or saving someone

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from drowning into water. It can be a perfect moment on

the court as well. Anything. The only important thing is to

feel the confidence…

2. Go back there and relive the experience as detailed as

possible. See in your mind’s eye what you saw, hear

what you heard, feel what you felt. Be extremely detailed.

Take the time here, the more thoroughly you do this, the

better your results will be. Keep drilling down to more

details until you feel the same confidence you felt back

then. Notice your body language, posture and the feeling

inside you. Give it a shape, a place in your body, or notice

the color of the feeling if you want.

3. Imagine a circle a couple of inches above the floor

around you. Imagine yourself standing in that circle with

full confidence. Feel the enormous power and the

unbreakable belief in yourself. This is your circle of

confidence! If you want, you can anchor it more by

making a fist, for example (like in the mini exercise

above). The key in anchoring is to do it right before the

feeling reaches its peak.

4. Take a step back, out of the circle and leave the

feeling there. It may seem strange at first, but you can do

it. Just leave it there. Look around and count the corners

in the room. It means breaking the state. You shouldn‘t

feel the confidence at this point. It‘s in the circle (and in

your fist), where you left it.

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5. Imagine the next time you have a game. Make up the

moment you enter the court in your mind. Close your eyes

and travel to that moment. Chose something that is right

before the game and is always there. I use the move

when I put on my whistle and step onto the court.

6. As soon as you start seeing what you will see, fire

your anchor. See what you will see when you enter the

court, hear what you will hear, and fire it by stepping into

the circle (and make a fist)! Notice the difference. This

step can be fast. Step in as soon as you see the scene

and feel the absolute confidence for as long as it feels

right.

7. Iterate. You can repeat steps 6 and 7 a couple of times to

anchor it more. The more you do it, the bigger footprint

you leave in your nervous system, the better your end

result will be.

8. Break the state (open your eyes, count the corners)

and try firing the anchor. Make a fist or imagine the

moment right before the game, and notice how you feel. If

you anchored it well, you should be able to feel the

perfect confidence right there.

9. Future pace. Imagine your next game and a game further

in the future. See the moment that fires the anchor. How

do you feel?

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You have two anchors now: making a fist, and the moment

right before the game. This latter works automatically, if you

selected a moment that occurs every time.

Enjoy the confidence and congruence this exercise gives

you. Remember, it only elicits one of your most resourceful

moments in life, and anchors it. Later, you only have to fire

the anchor and you are ready to go!

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5.6. Get Focused

Do you remember when you felt that time passed undetected and

you managed to do something great by concentrating 100% on

it? You are happy, receiving the acknowledgment of the people

around you, feeling the sweet relief and the confidence you

deserve.

I make a provocative statement here: these are the moments we

live for. They can be simply playing with the kids, winning a

difficult game, solving a challenging puzzle, or seeing your

partner‘s face after an enormously groundbreaking sex.

But I go further. Any challenging task can be performed in an

enjoyable way.

Flow is NOT only good for refereeing, you can use it for any task

in your life. Providing you want to do it well. It adds something

absolutely worthwhile to us. It gives the completely focused

motivation.

I bet you have heard about Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. He is a

fellow Hungarian, living in the States. All his life, he tried to figure

out how to live a happier life, and he found that people are the

happiest, when they do a task that challenges them, and they do

it well. Like a sprinter winning the World Championships.

Ok, let‘s see. Officiating is difficult? Absolutely! How about our

skills? Hmm… developing… Fake it till you make it! Don‘t

understand? You will, in a minute.

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Consider the following example. Feel free to do it as you read it

with refereeing in your mind.

HOW:

Get into flow in performing any task?

1. Breathe slowly… Breathe deeply… Allow your body to

relax…

2. Allow the thought of the task come into your mind…

Are there any uncomfortable feelings associated with

the thought of this task?

What is the source of this resistance?

Are the reasons for the resistance enough not to

perform this task?

- Yes?

Do not perform the task.

- No?

Acknowledge the existence of the resistance…

Understand and accept their positive intention for

you… (it may protect you from something for example)

3. Let go and move on…

4. Repeat until no new thoughts of resistance rise to the

surface…

5. Ask yourself: What are the positive aspects of

performing this task?

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Visualize these aspects in great detail…

Allow these positive feelings to permeate your being…

6. Imagine you walk the path perfectly to the completion

of this task…

7. Start the task!

What do you think about the task now? Feel free to come back

later, if you feel like doing it. You are free to try it before your next

game. How do your motivation and focus change?

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5.7. Learn to Build Rapport – Conflict

Management

Imagine an old friend. You have fun in a café, drinking and

sharing stories about each other‘s life. You use the same

expressions, listen to each other, even the way you breathe

seems to be in sync. You feel security, comfort and integrity.

If you could, would you extend this feeling to players, coaches,

and most of all, your team?

Yes?

Ok, then you have just entered the next class of being an

excellent referee.

NLP offers another trick to build connection with people showing

you how to build deep rapport quickly.

Consider the old friend. How do you sit? What and how do you

say? Do you look into each other’s eyes?

Try it with your best friend (text him now to have a nice cup of tea

later). Notice the same body posture, the eye contact, the same

words you use, the similar rhythm and converging emotional

states.

These signs are there for your unconscious mind to realize that

you two are in close rapport.

Rapport is a positive connection between you and other people

or you and a group. Sometimes it seems natural for very good

49

sales people or politicians, but most of the times it‘s not a talent

born with them. They have learned how to build rapport.

The best thing is that by reversing the process above, you can

actually create harmony. You can match your partner‘s character,

and create rapport in the process. What‘s more, you can even

step into the shoes of the player and have more chance to really

understand what‘s going on inside the other person. This is the

key to conflict management.

To be able to create rapport, you need flexibility. Remember

that people are always questioning your shirt, not the

person.

Consider a coach out of his mind, jumping and screaming from

the bench. Can you create rapport with him by going there and

telling him to stop calmly, in a shy way? Some books and

teachers will tell you that, but it is counterproductive. Maybe the

coach will shut up, but only temporarily.

At the other hand, consider a very behaving, shy player, who is

violating some rules. Do you shout at him? Do you go there and

scream he shouldn‘t do it again, because you will send him out? I

don‘t think so.

You need to be flexible enough to match other people‘s

character. This is fundamental to build rapport.

There is something more to apply it effectively. You want to

practice it continuously. It is a skill that develops over time and

practice. Some people think about rapport as a natural thing.

50

You may think it is manipulation, and you could be right, but be

aware that the goal here is to resolve conflicts between players,

coaches and your team. You will never be able to do it without

rapport.

HOW:

The key to build rapport is to match the overall state of the other

people. It doesn‘t mean that you have to be angry or anxious with

the players. It simply means that you need to adapt to their style,

consciously.

It is all about pacing, and only then, leading. There are numerous

ways to gain rapport with pacing someone. For that you can do it

by mirroring, or matching your partner’s:

breath rate,

voice tone, rhythm and volume,

emotional state,

physical posture (i.e. if they look at you anxiously, mirror it),

physical movements (i.e. using theatrical movements),

or by keeping eye contact.

It is extremely important, though, not to maintain the state. Usually you

have very little time to resolve a conflict, so you may want to build

rapport with key players and coaches before there is any conflict. And

when the conflict arises, just match their state quickly, and start to lead

them. Show and tell them what you want them TO DO. This is

leading.

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I said; tell them what you want them to do. Not what you want them not

to do. If you tell them stop talking, or stop pushing, etc., you

subconsciously suggest that they should go on with the unwanted

behavior.

―Don‘t think about the big blue elephant.‖ – Do you understand

what I mean?

Tell them to focus on the game. Suggest that they should let you

referee. You can even encourage them that they are excellent

players and coaches when they concentrate on the game.

It takes some practice, but you can successfully build a habit for

that.

On the court, you can build quick rapport with maintaining

eye contact with your colleagues throughout the game, if

possible. Look for eye contacts when entering the gym.

Stretch your hand first to everybody. This is good because

they automatically respond to your lead. Put yourself in the

situation of a player or a coach and match their style. You

can easily do it during the pre-game session.

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5.8. Control Your Anger

I‘m sure there are some situations that make you mad. All of us

face the inevitable when players, coaches, supporters complain

in a way we don‘t like. It can be either after a bad call, or an

excellent one. They do it for a reason. Some of them simply can‘t

control themselves, and others want to put pressure on you. But

there is always a positive reason for it. They try to reach

something.

Anyway, some of the times, you get angry. You get frustrated,

and it‘s more than enough to go out of your mind.

Do you want to learn how to control your anger, or any other

emotions when these occur?

HOW:

1. Recognize the automatic reaction (the thoughts,

feelings or images that occur to you when you think of the

challenging situation on the court).

2. Select a replacement image. Something inspiring, such

as a really good outcome, that helps you create a positive

state. Imagine yourself in a dissociated image (as if you

are watching yourself in a movie). Enhance the qualities,

such as submodalities (the size of the image, the color,

vividness, etc.) of the scene until it is as compelling as

possible.

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3. Determine the trigger of the negative image. Discover

what your mind tells you to produce the negative image or

behavior. Ask yourself what occurs just before this

negative or unwanted state begins? This time, you want

an associated scene (first position, looking through your

own eyes) of what is going on immediately before you

engage in the unwanted activity. Remember to think in

terms of submodalities to get a detailed sense of the

scene. It functions as a trigger for the unresourceful state.

4. Place the replacement. Put the replacement image off in

the corner of the negative image. Imagine a small,

postage-stamp-sized version of your replacement scene

in the bottom corner of the negative scene.

5. Swish the two images. You will be making both images

change simultaneously and with increasing speed. When

you swish, have the negative scene become smaller and

shoot off into the distance. At the same time, have the

positive replacement image zip in closer and larger,

rapidly and completely replacing the negative scene.

Imagine it making a ―swissssshhhh‖ sound as it zips into

place. At first, you'll probably do this slowly, taking a few

seconds to complete the swish. As you repeat the

process, you will be able to do it faster and faster, until

you swish nearly instantaneously.

6. Repeat. Clear your mind after each Swish. This is very

important. Do this by thinking of something else, such as

54

your favorite color or what you need to do later.

Remember to breathe easily during the swish and the

breaks. Do the swish five to seven times, repeating steps

three to five each time. You know you have a good

outcome when you have some difficulty maintaining the

negative image.

7. Test. Now try to use the limiting thought or behavior

again. Notice how hard, if not impossible, it is for you to

act it out. Notice that you actually have to think about how

to do it first; it is not as automatic as it used to be. If you

feel that you could relapse, use the Swish again in a day

or two, and again after a week.

Basically, you have anchored the compelling state to the

trigger, so the trigger won’t result in anger any longer, but

the compelling state you’ve made up.

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5.9. Model Your Hero

NLP offers you a great tool to learn anything you want. It‘s like in

the matrix, when Neo learns how to drive a helicopter (well, ok…

maybe a little bit slower). The best way to learn any activity is to

model an excellent person doing it. If somebody can do it, you

can do it, too!

Maybe you do this exercise unconsciously. There is a chance

that you do all we cover in this book without noticing it

consciously. It only means you are among the few who know this

intuitively. It‘s still worth to get to know it more. If you don‘t do it

automatically, just relax. It gives the same result if you learned

most of the things from this book.

I invented this exercise before a crucial game in the Hungarian

Championships Final in 2013. I felt out of sync before the game,

so I needed something, and it worked. The report said I had only

one mistake during the game (and believe me, the expert who

did the report is not famous about being charitable around rating

any referees.

If you feel fine, do it as you read paragraph-by-paragraph, and

enjoy the exercise.

HOW:

1. Imagine a game (it can be any game). Imagine your role

model refereeing it. The best referee you can find on the

planet. There must be one, right? So, imagine. How does

he look like? What are his movements look like? How

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does he sound? Notice even the smallest movement of

his muscles. See him officiating a difficult game perfectly.

With integrity, congruity, humility, confidence, and

strength. Imagine yourself on the stands, seeing your role

model working.

2. Replace your hero with yourself while leaving

everything else in place. Slowly, see yourself in that

position (still from the stands), how you officiate that

game, exactly like your role model. See yourself, hear all

the sounds and see all the other participants cooperating

with you on the court.

3. Approach slowly, if you feel comfortable with what you

see. We said the best referees are approachable, aren‘t

they? As you approach, get prepared to associate with

yourself on the court and in your mind‘s eye, be that

referee. It‘s actually you, so feel free to fully associate

with yourself on the court. See things from your own

perspective, through your own eyes. Hear everything with

your own ears. Associate fully and immerse in the feeling

as long as you want to. Feel the confidence, and make

every kind of calls perfectly. Quickly go through every

imaginable situation, handled well.

Remember, it’s in your head, so you can do anything with it. If you

do it detailed enough, your subconscious cannot make a

difference. It doesn’t know if it’s real or just made up. We trick the

mind to know how it feels to be perfect. If you want, you can

anchor it.

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5.10. New Behavior Generator

Joe Crawford, the famous NBA referee who holds the record for

the most playoff games and finals officiated in the league, said in

the interview we did: ―the NBA needs personalities. You cannot

be someone else. It won‘t work. You need to be yourself.‖

I think he is correct. When you are a top referee, you cannot copy

the other top referees. You need to have individuality to get your

message across to participants.

But when you start officiating, and your personality on the court is

immature, the best thing you can do is to model some other

referees, even more than one. With NLP and your imagination,

you can give birth to your perfect referee and model how he does

what he does.

This is a very powerful technique.

HOW:

1. Elicit the behavior you want and find your model.

Choose a behavior that you miss from your toolbox now,

but you need it. It can be confidence, calmness, to be

focused, be social, etc. Name that behavior. Determine

where you want to have it, and look for somebody you

know who does it really well. If you don‘t know anybody,

pick one of the top referees you saw on TV, or just

imagine yourself doing it. In your mind, have your model

sit down in front of you. You can do it either with your

eyes open or closed.

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2. Observe and describe your model. How is his body

language? How does he use his face mimic? What

gestures does he make? What does he say? How does

he react to his environment? Determine what you want to

do differently. Change your model until he is perfect for

you. The more detailed you imagine and observe, the

better the results you will get.

3. Associate. Imagine yourself in his skin for a moment.

Does it feel good? If yes, you can continue. If not, make

the necessary changes. Take your time to change your

model until it really feels perfectly right.

4. Integrate your model. This may seem a little weird, but

you can do it, and you will feel why it‘s worth it. Go inside

your model. Physically move to the place the model is

sitting in the room, and get dressed with his skin. Take

him on like a spacesuit and immerse in the feeling being

him. Maybe you want to do it with your eyes closed.

5. Ecology check. Are you satisfied with the results? If yes,

go on. If not, go back to step 2.

6. Future pace. Imagine a future event. You are in the place

where you need this behavior at the time when you need

it. Imagine the environment. What will you see, hear,

smell, taste, and feel when it comes true? How is your

experience? Are you satisfied with the results? If not, go

back to step 2.

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This technique is a simple, yet extremely effective way of

modeling an expert in your field. You may experience that

your body language has been adapted to his style and that

you can feel just as to be him. It is very helpful especially at

the beginning of one’s career, but more experienced

referees can also benefit a lot from this technique.

If you choose models you know at least something about,

you will get better results.

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5.11. Fake It Till You Make It – The As-If Pattern

Milton H. Erickson, one of the most famous hypnotherapist, a

fundamental role model for the founders of NLP once said; ―You

can pretend anything and master it.‖

There is a way to create excellence by using your imagination. It

is not mere luck that athletes rehearse their competition mentally.

There is a quick way to use this power, as you‘ve seen it in

chapter 5.9 and 5.10.

We use the second perceptual position to imagine what it is like

to be that other person, your hero. In this position, we stepped

into the skin of our hero. This strategy builds up to your intuitive

understanding of thoughts and actions of the master.

Chapter 5.9, the shorter one is for a quick exercise before the

game, while chapter 5.10 is to get some inspiration and start to

behave like a top official.

You can use this pattern to ensure your quality officiating for the

next game. This is best used for a small improvement and for

limiting beliefs. Use it to improve step-by-step into mastery.

HOW:

1. Select the challenge you want to master, or the goal

you are doubtful about. At first, you can find a small

goal, such as to master only one part of officiating.

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2. Select your imaginary mentor. Pick someone (dead or

alive) who serves a great mentor for you on this task.

Think about who could do it perfectly. Who is the greatest

person to support you on this? The person should be very

insightful. You should know enough of this person to

really imagine how they might relate to you. Meet him in

real life. Talk to him. Ask him questions about officiating.

3. Specify your limiting belief. Find what makes you stuck.

Close your eyes and think about any negative or limiting

belief you have concerning officiating. Try beginning with

a phrase of “I am not capable of (refereeing this game)” or

“I don’t deserve (to be a lead referee on this game)”.

4. Share this situation or belief with your chosen

mentor. Imagine you are talking to your mentor,

explaining the situation and your limiting beliefs.

5. Imagine encouragement from your mentor. Imagine

your mentor encouraging you to explore an ―as-if‖

perspective. Imagine him or her telling you sentences like

“What would happen if you could (referee a top game)”.

“How would it look like?” “What would you feel?” “What

would you hear?” Respond these questions as they are

asked. Use your representational systems when

answering. What would you see, fell, hear, smell, and

taste?

6. Act as if the outcomes are coming true. Imagine you

have officiated the game perfectly. You handle the plays

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very well. Remember, the more detailed you imagine, the

better the outcome will be. Imagine in associated position

(within your body) as from the start to the end in this

exercise. With full confidence about it now, what would

you be thinking or doing differently?

7. Handle leftover objections. Notice any resistance of

objections you may have. Iterate the exercise until there

is none.

8. Test. If you think about your goal, or the game. What has

changed now? Notice any improvements or different

outcomes after this exercise. If the results are

disappointing, think about how you can improve using this

pattern. Do you know your mentor enough?

What you do here is basically get encouragement for

someone you trust and know as an expert in the field. It can

give you wings to fly.

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5.12. Master Your Emotions – State Induction

This is one of the most fundamental NLP skills. State induction

means that you can put yourself in a desired emotional state, like

confidence, joy, balance, chosen, humorist, and so on… in a

heartbeat.

As you work with states, make yourself a list of your most favorite

ones. It will help you master state induction even when you are

on auto-pilot.

HOW:

1. Define a desired state. Pick a positive state that you

would like to experience. Think about how you would

know that you are in that state. Describe is sensory-

based. What would you see, fell, hear, … etc when you

are in that state.

2. Kindle the state. Recall a variety of situations when you

have felt at least part of that state. It doesn‘t matter if it is

not a game you refereed. Confidence, for example, can

come from a variety of events in your life, like hanging out

with girls, cutting your beard perfectly, or simply being

acknowledged by your boss. Recall that state in only one

representational system.

3. Amplify the state. Try and spread your experience into

more representational systems. For example, you can

add the voice of your boss to the picture of her. Imagine

she says “You did a great job, congratulations.” or some

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internal speak like “My friends really want me to have a

good time at the party.” The best is your boss as a referee

saying “It was an extremely good job. That’s how it’s

done!”

4. Expand the state. Once you have begun to sense the

state in all submodalities, encourage the feelings to

spread throughout your body, as though energy is flowing

through you and carrying the state through you on all of

its currents. You can add constructed submodalities, as

when you picture yourself walking or talking and gesturing

in the desired state. This can be very powerful. Adjusting

submodalities can amplify a state. For example, turning

up the volume of the verbal aspect, or increasing the

brightness of the visual.

You can induce any state in two minutes with this exercise.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes. It soon will be

intuitive and natural.

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5.13. Mistakes Into Experience

We make mistakes. Everybody does. The difference is how we

deal with them, and how we move on.

This pattern serves as a tool to transform your mistakes into

experience which, at the end of the day, will serve your growth.

This is not a pattern that needs a deep trance state, it is rather a

philosophy. A way of thinking that shapes your behavior and how

you see your own mistakes, and others reactions to it.

Imagine you have a big game broadcasted on TV, and you are

stressed out what your colleagues will say after a mistake you

make. If you think about it, it will wear you down. Instead, you

should consider how you can learn from any mistake you or your

colleagues make, and how you handle difficult situations during

the game.

You can reframe your thoughts about mistakes. Be it a bad call at

the end of the game, or an inappropriate management of

participants.

HOW:

1. Select a behavior that needs to be updated. Choose a

recurring behavior pattern that causes some kind of bad

outcome. For example, a coach that always complains

about your calls, either they are good or bad. Even when

you make a call favoring his team, he makes cruel

statements. Or, another example may be your fear of

making the deciding call at the end of the game.

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2. Elicit the limited beliefs that are part of the behavior.

What beliefs encourage this behavior, or limit you from

alternative behaviors or outcomes? Example: "Believing"

that you should ask "Why?" over and over instead of

coming up with a solution such as setting definite limits

with a person or your thought that violates your

boundaries.

3. Think of a negative outcome of this behavior. What is

a bad outcome of the behavior that has a lot in common

with other bad outcomes? In other words, it is a fairly

predictable type of bad outcome. For example, having

your game ruined by a person that you have not set limits

with.

4. Compare the negative outcome to a worse potential

outcome. Think of something that is even worse, and that

actually could have happened as a result of your behavior

pattern, but didn't happen.

5. Identify positive things that resulted from the

negative outcome that you identified in step three.

Although the negative experience from step three was

unfortunate, ask yourself what positive outcomes you can

identify. For example, you may have discovered that this

coach was not your friend as he showed it. Or perhaps

you have gained a lot of knowledge through experience

that, once you have put it into action, will constitute

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tremendous wisdom that you can use to excel as a

referee.

6. Express the positive intentions underlying the

negative behavior. Your behavior pattern is based on

positive intentions of some kind, despite the bad

outcomes that have been resulting from it. Clarify these

positive intentions and find a way to express them. They

are worth writing down. Come up with positive intentions

of the other people involved, even if they create negative

outcomes or intervened in a way that you did not like.

7. Discover the positive significance of the bad

outcomes. What meaning can you take from the bad

outcomes that have come from the unresourceful

behavior pattern? For example, you may have realized

that you have some very good resources that, once they

are used for the right purposes, will serve you well. You

may have also realized that there are limits to your

stamina or capacity for boundary violations that are

worthy of your respect and assertive protection. You may

have realized that, once put into action, this wisdom will

prevent a tremendous amount of suffering.

8. Re-experience the negative events while in the

positive insight state. Connect fully with the sense of

wisdom, putting any feelings of hopelessness or cynicism

aside for now. Realize that this is a positive state. Imagine

taking that positive state through the memories you have

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of those bad experiences, seeing them from a new,

resourceful perspective.

9. Mark and store the wisdom gained from this pattern.

Take all the good energy of the positive state, and

everything that you have learned from these experiences,

and imagine transporting this to the place in your mind

where you store the elements of your wisdom. Tag them

in some way that makes them available to you when you

encounter situations for which they are relevant, so that

you can prevent bad outcomes and generate excellent

outcomes.

10. Test. Over the next days or weeks, notice any ways that

the problem behavior changes. For example, do you have

better ways to prevent the typical bad outcomes that

would come from the behavior?

Example strategies might include being more effective at

managing the expectations of others, being more realistic

about what you can do, sensing risk factors early enough to

take conscious action, and responding more objectively to a

situation by keeping things in perspective.

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5.14. Self Esteem Quick Fix

I had some valleys in my career and I‘m sure that I will have

some more. This is inevitable. It‘s not the storm that you want to

change, but the quality of the raincoat you wear.

This exercise helps you rapidly recover from a low self esteem

mode. It is very good to come back to a confident and strong

state after a failure. Be it your own fault or because of someone

else‘s inappropriate comment on your officiating.

HOW:

1. Select a negative self-esteem image. Think of a time in

your life when you felt bad about yourself, when your

faults and weaknesses were totally in the foreground of

your mind. This first step is the only one that is

unpleasant. The most powerful memory may be one in

which other people were trashing you, and this negativity

infected your self esteem. Step into the experience.

Notice where in your body these negative feelings are

located. Notice anything else about them, such as their

size and shape. Notice the images that come up for you

as you do this. Whatever image most symbolizes this

experience will be your "cue image." We will use this for a

swish. Notice any sounds associated with this image.

2. Break state. Now, we'll step out of this experience. Stand

up, move around, and open your eyes. Do other things to

break state. Move your arms, stretch your leg, do some

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air boxing. Continue with state-breaking activities until you

are fully extracted from the negative self esteem state.

3. Create powerful self-esteem image. Now you're going

to create an image that represents the strong resourceful

and positive self esteem you're about to own. Imagine

seeing yourself with profound self esteem. Use all major

rep systems. How would you appear in terms of your

expression, gait, gestures, and posture? How would you

sound? How would people react as they are enjoying your

pure self esteem? When this has some momentum for

you, imagine yourself in a new situation, propelled by this

self esteem. Notice how it is stimulating and motivating to

be in a new situation. Add the sense that this reality is in

the very near future. It crowds out any previous caring

that you had about past attacks upon your self esteem or

well being. This state is very much in the moment and

involved in creating a bright future. Now amplify the

submodalities of this state. Enlarge and brighten it.

Saturate the colors in your mind. Include the submodality

of attitude and thoughts by becoming aware of your

resources such as you sense of choice, support, and

creativity. Notice how this image and state are attractive.

Connect with this attraction, becoming more drawn to it.

Build the attitude that you need this and must have it.

Build your sense of the possibility of it, and the ways that

is already real, whatever they may be. Put a mysterious

smile on that image of yourself. Imagine you can have

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him think, “I’ll feel good to be me.” If you find any negative

feelings about anyone saying that, set them aside for

now, and tune into the ways that you can appreciate

someone enjoying being themselves, and the ways that

we all can benefit from and enjoy such a feeling. Punch

up the submodalities of this voice, making it resonate all

around you.

4. Practice shrinking and restoring the self-esteem

image. Make a mental frame around that image of you

with the high self-esteem. Shrink it so it becomes a tiny

little picture in the open space in front of you. Make it

sparkle at you. Very quickly, take that sparkling little dot in

the distant space in front of you and jump it right back to

its previous size and aliveness. Include the, "It feels good

to be me," attitude and actual voice in all its richness.

Open your eyes for a moment, then close them and think

of a black screen. Now see that high self esteem image

again. Shrink it again, into that sparkling dot. Now take it

back to full size. Alternate this shrinking and expanding

with a lot of intensity.

5. Set up the swish. Shrink the high self esteem image and

place it right in the middle of the horrible disturbing image

you discovered in the beginning of this pattern. Shrink the

negative image quickly into a tiny gray dot in front of you,

and at the same time quickly, blow up the tiny dot into

your full-size self esteem image, so that it completely

covers the negative image. Amplify the submodalities of

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this positive image. Repeat this swish pattern, beginning

with the negative image and the dot-size self esteem

image. Say ―SWISSSSHH‖ as you do this. When you

bring back the negative image, don't say swish. When you

swish back the positive image, include the verbal, "It feels

good to be me," coming from that image. Do it again,

snapping your fingers at the same time. When you swish

in the positive image, let the good feelings wash over you

and flow through you.

6. Swish ten times. Open your eyes and move around a bit.

Close your eyes, imagine a blank screen, and we'll start

the real change. Do the swish ten times, as fast as you

can. Do it with as much emotion, enthusiasm, and

determination, as you can. Remember: The negative

image is a black blinking dot. When you swish, say swish

and snap your finger. When the bright, colorful self

esteem image is full size, have it blast out the, “I’ll feel

good to be me," sound and see your mysterious smile.

Each time, before repeating the swish, open your eyes,

close your eyes, and see the blank black screen. As you

do the ten repetitions, see how fast you can make the

swish happen.

7. Challenge yourself to handle extreme pleasure.

Positive self-esteem can dramatically enhance every part

of your life and make it much more pleasurable. This step

attaches your compelling image of high self-esteem to all

aspects of your life. Since memories are such triggers,

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we'll start by attaching this positive state and image to the

past. Then we will do new situations, since they are your

opportunities to trigger effective states. Finally, we'll do

the future in order to make your goals and plans more

attainable. Reach out with your hands and grab the strong

image of high self esteem, just like you would grab a big

mirror. Grab it, lift it and notice something new: there are

thousands of thousands of high self esteem images

behind it! These images are of you being successful in

everything you do in life. In these images, you are strong,

committed, powerful, happy, thrilled, excited, and

pleasurable. Send any remaining images of you that are

negative back behind the positive images. Have the

positive images so intense in their submodalities and

added elements of blinking and brightness and yelling for

attention, that they fully command your attention away

from any negativity. These images continue to interrupt

any negative or wandering thoughts with, “look at me. I

feel GOOD being me!"

8. Future pace. Imagine yourself waking up tomorrow and

finding that these images are still all around you, blinking

and yelling for attention. See yourself with that mysterious

smile. Imagine people enjoying this quality of yours, and

how you affect them in positive ways.

9. Finish the pattern. Do whatever you'd like to complete

the pattern, and open your eyes, cultivating a fresh, eager

readiness for the rest of your day or evening.

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10. Test. Bring up one of the negative images and see if it

still has any power on you. If it does, you can repeat this

exercise from time to time. If you have trouble getting the

image, that's even better. Also, see if you notice any

effects of improved self esteem over the coming days or

weeks.

In the near future, you experience opportunities coming your

way, people reacting to you in better ways, and feeling more

motivation and optimism. It can even mean being more

comfortable or at peace with being realistic about negative

situations or challenges, and more creative about finding

solutions.

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5.15. Be Open For Criticism

I know a lot of referees who don‘t ever take criticism. They are

good, but they are not aware of their biased view on themselves,

or they simply think that criticism is others‘ judgment on them.

Keep in mind that top referees accept criticism.

If somebody is criticizing you personally, ask your critics to talk

about the situation, not about the person. This way, you can

correct their behavior to make it assertive and you can easily

build on their feedback.

HOW:

1. Select a situation in which you responded badly to

criticism. The first time, do this exercise in your

imagination. In the future, this can become like a reflex

that you do rapidly. Then you will get to the point that you

do it unconsciously, with your mind freed to be even more

of a master. Imagine a situation in which you were

criticized and it was either painful, or you do not care for

how you reacted, or you did not like the results that came

from your reaction.

2. Generate a state of safety. Create safety by sending the

other person farther away until it feels comfortable. This

might be an extra foot, or it could be so far you can't see

them (like on the moon). Add a force field or tough

invisible shield between you and the other person. Once

you feel safe, anchor this sensation.

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3. Respond to the person with validation. Imagine saying

something to them, such as, "(Name), thanks for telling

me this." Change the words to fit the situation. You might

want to sound like this, "(Name), thanks for taking the

time to discuss this issue with me. Your observations and

ideas are very important to me, so I'll take this feedback

very seriously."

4. Ask for more information. The person will know that you

care and that you can handle criticism if you ask them to

offer more details. Also, the more you know, the better

you can respond, whether you need to disagree,

negotiate, or offer up a major mea culpa. You can use a

phrase such as, "Tell me more about this," or ask about

something that you don't fully understand.

5. Imagine the response in an effective way that is not

disturbing. Imagine the person filling in some details.

Practice the perceiving of what they say as though you

are watching a movie that plays out the details as they

see them. Make the image small enough that it is not at

all overwhelming or troubling. This gets you some

distance or objectivity, but keeps you in a state of

receptivity.

6. Reflect what you have received. Reflecting is very

important in communication. Practice it here by restating

what the other person has told you. It's best to summarize

what you feel are the most important parts. This shows

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the person what stands out to you, and helps them know

what to emphasize when they clarify their ideas and

concerns. You can begin with a phrase such as, "/ want to

make sure I understand you, so let me tell you what

stands out to me so far." You can end with something like,

"How am / doing?" or “Are those the main things?”

7. Get to an agreement frame. You may not be able to do

this justice in your imagination, but be prepared to have

some back and forth in the real world. The person will

probably want to add or repeat some things. People who

do not feel validated will repeat points a lot of times, so

the more you can help them feel valid, the more time

you'll save. When they add points, summarize them as in

step six. This is a good point at which to elicit exactly

what they want from you or from the situation. Some

people jump into criticism before they have figured this

out, especially if they are assuming that they can't get

what they want. Eliciting their wants can calm them down

and get them into a more creative and even a more

cooperative mindset. Once the person is comfortable with

your level of understanding, you have achieved the

agreement frame.

8. Respond from your understanding, and do it in a

classy way. Respond to your critic with some areas of

agreement, starting with a phrase such as, "/ do agree

with you on some important points ... " This time,

emphasize what the other person wants that you can

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agree with, and that you intend to cooperate with. Then

convey the ways that you disagree, starting with a phrase

such as, "/ can't completely agree a few point, though.

Where (issue) is concerned, / think ... " This is a good

time to indicate what you aren't willing to cooperate with,

along with what you need to see happen. Use language

that fits the situation. How hard or soft you sound is a

strategic decision.

9. Seek closure. Bring the discussion to a focus on

decisions. This can range from them being satisfied that

you have acknowledged them, to a need to negotiate

commitments, or agreeing to disagree and take the issue

to a higher authority.

10. Test. As the situation unfolds, see if this has enhanced

the relationship and your ability to respond in a way that

fills the other person‘s needs, including their need to feel

that you care and see their needs as valid and serious.

See how well they are able to do the same for you. If

there are problems, assess them. If you feel the person is

strictly being manipulative and wants an unfair advantage,

then you will need to shift to a different strategic frame

that involves gamesmanship of some kind, limit-setting,

and ways of gaining more power to protect your interests.

With this technique, you will be able to understand what

people want to tell you. This will help you grow and correct

your judgment on specific areas. Remember: you don’t have

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to take every feedback seriously, but you need to respect

the people who want to help you with their feedback. If you

are cooperative, you will grow and others will see and feel it

as well.

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5.16. Procrastinate Procrastination – The Excuse

Blow-Out Pattern

You have a variety of tools now. Still, you may feel tempted to

leave them to the next day. I don‘t say you should do them at

once, since it‘s almost impossible. You need to raise it to your

awareness: these techniques don‘t work unless you DO THEM!

The cruelest enemy of development is ignorance. The ego

comes up with excuses to sabotage you and to be safe. But you

can ignore ignorance and procrastinate procrastination.

HOW:

1. What's your excuse? Choose something important that

you want to accomplish, but have been procrastinating

on. Think about what happens when you get close to

doing the actions that are necessary for this

accomplishment. What do you do instead? What feelings

and thoughts come up just before you get detoured? Can

you identify any conscious excuses? Perhaps instead of

excuses, you have thoughts that redirect you. For this

exercise, we'll call them excuses. If the pattern is not

conscious, run through the sequence in your mind and

listen for subtle thoughts, pictures, and feelings that you

hadn't exactly noticed before. Look for vague, irrational

ideas or feelings that sound silly when you put them into

words. Those can be the ones that slip away from

awareness unless you are actively looking for them. Old,

habitual, irrational thought patterns tend to be the least

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conscious, yet they can pack a lot of power. Get to know

these excuses not just as something that you understand,

but also as a state that you can feel. Explore the

submodalities that give this state the power to divert you

from your aim.

2. Assess the excuse pattern. Answer the following

questions: Is it really just an excuse? Do you want to keep

this excuse? Do you need to have this excuse in your

life? Does it enhance your quality of life or empower you

to be a better person? How does it serve your life? If

there is some part or facet of the excuse that you might

need or want to preserve, what is it? What facets of the

excuse may serve a positive purpose for you?

3. Preserve the Values of the Excuse. The previous

questions helped you connect with value in the excuse

pattern. You can preserve the benefits, yet change the

pattern so that you can get accomplish your goal. Start by

identifying any aspect of the excuse that is valuable. For

example, are you trying to juggle too many things, and

fear that you will lose other important priorities? Imagine

that you can remove all of this value and set it on a spot

that is separate from the excuse pattern. Now the excuse

pattern is a useless, empty shell.

4. Reject the old excuse. Access a strong "NO!" state.

Muster up an intense, inner "Hell NO!" Remember a time

when you felt absolutely against something that was

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completely, intensely unacceptable to you. The more

disgusted you were the better. Amplify this into a ―Hell

NO!‖ state. Expand the state so that you feel it throughout

your body, even into your hands and feet. Anchor this

state. Imagine the empty excuse immediately in front of

you and step into that excuse with the NO! state. Stomp

on the excuse with the power of your "Hell NO!" Hold it in

your hands and smash it into the ground. Stomp it into

pieces.

5. Test your anti-excuse response. Imagine the desired

activity. Notice what happens as you think about moving

toward it. Notice what you feel, see, and think. Notice any

excuses that remain in the shadows of your mind. See

how they may interfere with your life, love, or success.

Work on any remaining excuse patterns, beginning with

step two.

6. Future pace. Remind yourself of your intense ―Hell NO!‖

state and how you applied it vigorously to your excuses.

Imagine the earliest upcoming time when you will want to

work on this goal in some way that you would have

typically ended up avoiding. Imagine yourself (in a

dissociated image, as if you are looking at yourself from

the corner), at the moment you would choose to start the

activity. At that moment, start smashing the excuse. Say,

"Hell NO!" Access the most open, eager state that you

can, and imagine starting the activity. If you feel like you

what to actually do the activity now, go right ahead!

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Go slowly at first and then repeat the pattern while speeding up

the process. Go for weaker excuses first, just for training with the

pattern. Don't take the heavy challenges up front. Make sure your

whole body and mind are involved in the process of change. If

you feel a twist in your stomach when you remind yourself of the

excuse, it's working! If you feel any discomfort or hesitation when

you think of starting the activity, it means there is still an excuse

lingering. Dig deep and get to know this feeling. Turn it into words

so you can understand it better. Work on it with this exercise.

This is a great example how we can use a behavioral pattern

we thought destructive previously. Every behavior can be

beneficial in a certain context.

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5.17. Basic Belief Chaining

We are what we believe. Our beliefs are determined by the

patterns we get from our parents, friends and other important

relationships. Sometimes they can be destructive, even if the

intention of the giver is positive. That‘s when limiting beliefs

sabotage us.

NLP has a lot of resources for limiting beliefs, but they are not

easy for a beginner. Sometimes even determining the limiting

belief is hard. We just feel that something is wrong. We don‘t

exactly know what is wrong, but something is holding us back.

We can deal with these limiting beliefs. Once they are

transformed, you can unlock the shackles on your feet.

HOW:

1. Get the somatic syntax.

a. Select a limiting belief and a resourceful

alternative belief.

b. Identify steps between the two extremes of belief.

Find the opposite of the limiting belief.

c. Walk through each of the steps from the limiting

belief state to the resourceful belief state. Pay

attention to the changes in kinesthetic sensations

and body language that you experience from step

to step.

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2. Use verbal reframes to assist with the shift. Try

several verbal reframes that help make the shift between

these beliefs. Notice which ones have the most positive

impact in giving you a constructive and resourceful

perspective.

3. Attach reframes to each step. Walk through the belief

change steps, and decide which reframe is most useful at

each step.

4. Practice the shift. Walk through the steps several times,

experiencing the kinesthetic and belief frame that you

have associated with each step. Continue until you feel

that the transition is easy and smooth.

5. Test. Over the coming days and weeks, notice any

increased ease you experience in flexible thinking, and

any increase in your use of positive frames and

resourcefulness in your beliefs about any challenges that

you experience.

This is a simple belief changing pattern you can use. If you

feel that there are others involved and you are stuck, drop

me a mail to peter@refereemindset.com and we can figure

out how I can help you.

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5.18. Fast Phobia Cure

What is your biggest fear as a referee? Have you ever had bad

dreams on games that weigh heavily on you, feeling so grateful

when waking up because it was just a dream? I used to dream

about my whistle not loud enough and when trying to blow it, no

sound came out and the game went mad. Later I kept dreaming

about being late for a game. I‘m sure you had similar

experiences.

As it turned out in an interview, even the best of the top referees

have fears about officiating. They are most of the times about

making a bad call deciding the game. That may be the worst

mistake a referee can make. Of course, NLP has an unbelievably

elegant solution for it as well.

This next exercise was invented for everyday phobias. It works

very well, be it the fear of flight on airplanes, driving a car,

insects, spiders, or any kind of illness, just to mention a few.

It can be used to forget the pressure you put on yourself by the

fear of mistakes.

HOW:

1. Imagine your fear or phobia. Just for a moment, elicit

the pictures and sounds of it. The questions that may help

you are: When was the last time I felt bad about this fear?

What happens when this phobia takes control on me?

How do I know that I have a phobia?

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2. Reframing. See your fear or phobia from another

perspective. You can do it in two easy ways.

a. Most people learned to create their phobias in one

situation. This was most of the times really

dangerous, or at least seemed to be. The fact that

I could learn a new behavior in such a short time

means that my mind is really fast when it comes to

learning. This skill will help me now to learn a new

behavior.

b. The part of my personality that played a major role

in protecting me by creating a phobia is a really

valuable part of me. I want to keep this skill for the

future, because it means security in certain

situations. What I want to do is to develop this part

of me to have a new starting point when playing

this protecting role on me.

3. Double dissociation. Imagine a movie theater sitting in

the middle, seeing a black and white picture on you far

away on the movie screen. Now dissociate by stepping

out of your skin, and in your mind, go up to the projection

room. You see yourself sitting in the middle of the movie

theater, seeing the frozen black and white picture on the

movie screen. The aim of this is to feel security. The

Plexiglas on the cabin and the two dissociations serves

this role.

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4. Playing the movie in black and white. Make up a

motion picture about a phobia with you as the star actor,

and play it in black and white. Play this movie from the

beginning when everything was perfect, till the fearful

situation. Stay in the projection room until you feel

perfectly safe. You can watch this movie as an outsider in

perfect security. In the end, you see a frozen picture

about the most fearful situation (i.e. making the wrong

call). You are still in the safe place.

5. Play the movie rewind. Go out of the projector room, go

down the steps and jump into the last frame of the movie,

make it colorful, and immediately play it associated (being

in your own body) backwards with three times the speed.

Fast rewind. Play it backward until you reach the first

frame when everything is perfect. Jump out of the movie,

play it with normal speed in black and white, jump in at

the last frame and play it backwards with color fast.

Repeat it 7 times and feel the relief.

6. Test. Imagine that you are in the same situation (end of

the game, score is tied, and a difficult situation is about to

happen). How do you feel? Imagine a situation in the near

future. How is your physiology? If you still feel some of

the fear, repeat playing the movie backwards a couple of

times.

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We anchor security to the fearful situation. It works

extremely well if you follow the instructions. You can get rid

of phobias for life in half an hour.

We have just learned some basic techniques we can use to

create focus, confidence, deal with stress, build rapport,

anchor what it feels to be an excellent referee, and much

more.

Next, I would like you to extend these learnings with

permanent first-class habits.

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6. Build Good Habits

I want to help you with lasting results. You can be outstanding for

one game, that‘s easy. A lot of people can do it. Keep it up for 5

games and you are in the top 10%, and perform solidly on a

regular basis means that you are an admirable for what you do

week-by-week.

So, ultimately, what makes truly exceptional referees? Good

habits.

Why not start now and build on them. Think about it for a second.

Imagine yourself being an excellent referee. Imagine yourself out

of the court. Take the picture out of the court, switch to your

everyday life.

What are your habits? Surely not going out in the evening and

drinking like hell.

Let me invite you to a challenge. I am also trying to change a lot

of things about myself, and it‘s always better to do it in teams

rather than alone.

Build good habits together with Zen Habits! The following

chapters are based on the book “52 changes”by Leo Babauta.

The goal here is to help you build a new habit every week!

I selected the most important ones for referees and rewrote here

and there in order to be more applicable.

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In the next chapters you will find out how funny and easy it is to

build new habits. Feel free to change the order of the habits if

you want, and do them to realize your potential.

You can read this chapter through first, and I highly recommend

that you should start the first habit right away. Today! You‘ve got

momentum now, use it for positive and lasting change!

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6.1. Meditate

Find a quiet place and sit for 2 minutes, focusing on your

breathing. This is a simple form of meditation.

Meditation is a way to practice mindfulness, which is a skill you

can carry into many fields of your life.

When you‘re mindful, you are living in the present. You‘re more

aware of your body, your thoughts, your emotional reactions, the

people you‘re interacting with. You are less stressed, and more

at peace. You are present in anything you do.

This mindfulness is the foundation for all the changes, so even if

you feel silly trying it, I highly recommend that you give it a shot.

HOW:

1. Commit to just 2 minutes a day.

2. Pick a time and trigger.

3. Find a quiet spot. Sit comfortably.

4. Start with just 2 minutes.

5. Focus on your breath. When you notice your mind

wandering, just notice it and don‘t berate yourself or try

to push away the thought. Gently return to your breath.

Repeat this process as many times as you need to.

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If you do well the first 2 or 3 days, feel free to expand to 5

minutes if it feels good. Otherwise, feel free to stay with 2

minutes the entire week.

I recommend sticking to this 2-5 minutes a day for as long as you

find it useful — possibly all year, or for the rest of your life.

It‘s really an essential practice. If you drop it for any reason, pick

it up again later.

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6.2. Learn That You Are Good Enough

Notice when you doubt yourself, and begin to understand that

you are good enough.

A lot of people want to improve something about themselves.

They‘re not satisfied with their lives, they‘re unhappy with their

bodies. They want to be better people. I know, because I used to

be one of them.

I‘ve been there, and I can say that it leads to a lot of striving, and

a lot of dissatisfaction with who you are and what your life is.

A powerful realization that has helped me is simply this: you’re

already good enough, you already have more than enough, and

you’re already perfect.

If you‘re already perfect, does this mean you don‘t make

changes? Well, you don‘t need to make changes - but part of

your perfection is curiosity about doing new things, trying new

choices - not because you‘re satisfied with who you are, but

because you like to learn about the world, and about yourself.

And even if you‘re satisfied with who you are, you could do good

things for yourself out of self-compassion.

The thing we can learn is that if you learn to be content with who

you are and where you are in life, it changes everything:

• You no longer feel dissatisfied with yourself or your life.

• You no longer spend so much time and energy wanting

and trying to change.

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• You no longer compare yourself to other people, and

wish you were better.

• You can be happy, all the time, no matter what happens

in the world around you.

HOW:

1. Watch yourself on your next game, and notice when

you have doubts about yourself. Notice when you‘re

afraid to do something — this is because you think

you‘re not good enough. Notice when you‘re anxious

about interacting with others — this is because you‘re

worried about what they‘ll think, and that they‘ll think

you‘re not good enough.

2. Tell yourself: ―I’m not only good enough, I’m perfect

as I am.‖ Try it, as corny as that might sound, just to

see if it sounds true. Does it resonate as something you

already believe, or does it not feel right? Do you feel like

there are things you still need to improve?

3. Count your blessings. A better focus is on what you do

have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what

you have, not what you don‘t. Focus on what you‘ve

already achieved, rather than what you didn‘t. Think

about what games you are able to officiate now. Think

about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have

the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at

all.

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4. Focus on your strengths. Instead of looking at your

weaknesses, ask yourself what your strengths are.

Celebrate them! Be proud of them. Don‘t brag, but feel

good about them and work on using them to your best

advantage.

5. Be OK with imperfection. No one is perfect —

intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem

to feel bad when we don‘t reach perfection. You aren‘t

perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I‘ve

learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve,

but don‘t think you‘ll ever be the ―perfect person‖. If you

look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what

makes you who you are. You already are perfect –

you‘re exactly who you should be.

6. Realize that you already have everything you need

to be happy and content, right here and right now. Do

you have eyes that see? You have the ability to

appreciate the beauty of the sky, of greenery, of

people‘s faces, of water. Do you have ears that hear?

You have the ability to appreciate music, the sound of

rainfall, the laughter of friends. You have the ability to

feel rough denim, cool breezes, grass on bare feet … to

smell fresh-cut grass, flowers, coffee … to taste a plum,

a chili pepper, and chocolate. This is a miracle, and we

take it for granted. Instead, we strive for more, when we

already have everything. We want nicer clothes, cooler

gadgets, bigger muscles, bigger breasts, flatter

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stomachs, better games, higher scores, bigger houses,

cars with leather seats that talk to you and massage

your butt. We‘ve gone insane that way. Once you accept

that you are good enough, it liberates you.

You‘re now free to do things, not because you want to be better,

but because you love it. Because you‘re passionate about it, and

it gives you joy. Because it‘s a miracle that you can even do

.You‘re already perfect. Being content with yourself means

realizing that striving for perfection is based on someone else‘s

idea of what ―perfect‖ is … and that‘s all bullshit. Perfect is who

you are, not who someone else says you should be.

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6.3. Flexible Mind

Learn to develop a flexible mind with small practices.

The root cause of frustration, irritation, anger, sadness is an

inflexible mind — one that wants to hold onto the way we wish

things were, the ideas we‘re comfortable with. When things don‘t

go this way, we are then frustrated, angry, and sad.

So developing a flexible mind is a way to be open to anything,

happy with change, prepared for any situation. Think about it: if

there‘s a major disruption in your life or career, it‘s only a bad

thing because you‘re holding onto the way you wish things could

be, what you‘re comfortable with. If you let go of that wish, the

situation isn‘t bad. It‘s just different, and in fact it could be good if

you embrace it and see the opportunity.

It‘s about developing the ability to cope with change, to be

flexible, to simplify.

HOW:

1. Make a commitment for your next game, to try to let go

of what you‘re holding onto when you get irritated,

frustrated, sad, etc.

2. Make a list of the things that trigger these emotions

— being cursed at, someone shouting at you, someone

being impolite, players not behaving well, etc.

3. Create reminders in your head for when those triggers

happen.

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4. When the trigger happens, pause. Notice the emotion

rising. Feel it, but don‘t act. Breathe.

5. Try to see what you’re holding onto — wishing the

coach would be more polite, wishing you could do what

you were doing without interruptions, wishing other

people would be perfect in interpreting the rules and

behave according to them. These wishes are fantasies

— let them go. Be open to the way things are, to

changes that have happened. Breathe, open your heart,

and accept.

6. Now respond appropriately, without wishing things

were different, with compassion. Repeat however many

times you like during the week, or a minimum of once a

day.

Please note that you will not be perfect at this when you start. It‘s

a difficult skill to learn, because we have emotional patterns that

have built up over the years. It‘s good enough to become more

aware of it, and to attempt this method once a game. Be flexible

in your desire to get this exactly right.

Practice it when you remember, enjoy the change, and

remember more.

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6.4. Strength Training

Commit to just 2–5 minutes of yoga or bodyweight strength

training each day.

Exercise has so many important benefits that they can‘t all be

listed for you as a referee, but they include more physical

strength, better physical appearance, better heart and respiratory

health, staving off diseases of all kinds, better mental health, less

stress, better memory, better focus and much more.

Yoga is one of the most minimal of exercises, in that you can do

it anywhere, wearing pretty much anything (though comfortable

clothes that allow you to stretch is preferred),and it helps you to

get stronger, fitter, more flexible, and more mindful, present and

focused. I highly recommend it.

Strength training has many of the same benefits — it helps you

get stronger and more confident, healthy, focused and feeling

great. It‘s not just for men, either — women benefit immensely

from strength training and shouldn‘t be intimidated (not that you

are — but some women avoid it).

I recommend you start with bodyweight strength exercises —

weights are good for progressing after you‘ve done bodyweight

exercises for awhile.

I recommend both, not because you should do both at the same

time (you can but shouldn‘t start that way), but to give you some

choice. Some people don‘t like the idea of doing yoga, so you

should do bodyweight exercises. Some don‘t like strength

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training of any kind, so you should do yoga. However, I really do

recommend you try both eventually.

HOW:

1. You don‘t need any extra equipment for either of these

activities, nor new clothes. You can do both on the floor

of your living room, outside on grass, next to your desk,

anywhere you can lay down and stretch your arms. You

can wear yoga or workout clothes if you like, but don‘t

go out and buy any if you don‘t have them.

2. Set aside just 2 minutes the first two days for either

yoga or strength training. Find a clear space on a floor

where you can work out. Pick a time during the day to

do it. In the morning, or right after work, are two of my

favorite times.

3. If you‘re doing yoga: pick one or two poses to try — do

a YouTube search for instructions. You don‘t need a

DVD at this point.

4. If you‘re doing strength training, do the pushup, squat

and pull-up to start with. Start with just one of these the

first day, and do what you can. If you can‘t do pushups,

do them on your knees, or try wall pushups (leaning

against a wall, or a sturdy table or counter). If you can‘t

fully squat, just do it partially. If you can‘t do a pull-up

(most of us can‘t), use a chair to get yourself up and just

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lower yourself with resistance. Do a set that‘s less than

the max you can do, rest a minute, then try another set.

5. On Day 2, do another 2 minutes. On Day 3 and 4, feel

free to expand to 5 minutes. If you‘re feeling good on

Day 5, expand to 7 minutes. But never feel the need to

go longer if you‘re not feeling good about it — at this

point, it‘s much more important that you continue do it

than going longer.

Form the habit first, and don‘t worry about results at this point.

After this week, consider continuing the habit for the rest of the

year. If you do, feel free to try new yoga poses, new strength

exercises (the lunge, burpees, the plank), and switch between

strength and yoga. They complement each other well.

After a couple months, if strength training is getting easier, feel

free to add some weights — dumbbells, a barbell, a sandbag, a

kettlebell.

For yoga, you might try a yoga DVD or class.

A note: While starting new exercise can feel uncomfortable, it

shouldn‘t be painful. You should be able to push past your

comfort zone a little, because if we only do what‘s comfortable,

we‘ll never make meaningful changes. However, again, you don‘t

want to do something that‘s truly painful – it‘s a sign that you‘re

injured or you‘re doing it wrong.

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6.5. Gratitude

Practice a gratitude ritual each day.

Gratitude is one of the best ways to find contentment. We are

often discontent in our lives, desire more, because we don‘t

realize how much we have.

Instead of focusing on what you don‘t have, be grateful for the

amazing gifts you‘ve been given: of loved ones and simple

pleasures, of health and sight and the gift of music and books, of

nature and beauty and the ability to manage a game in fair play,

and everything in between. Be grateful every day.

Gratitude reminds you of the positive things in your life. It makes

you happy about the people around you, whether they‘re loved

ones or players that drive every referee crazy.

Gratitude turns bad things into good things. Having problems at a

game? Be grateful you have a game. Be grateful you have

challenges, and that life isn‘t boring. Be grateful that you can

learn from these challenges. Be thankful they make you a

stronger person. Gratitude reminds you of what‘s important. It‘s

hard to complain about the little things when you give thanks that

you have been nominated and managed a game well.

HOW:

1. Commit to a 2-minute gratitude session each

morning (or right before you go to bed).

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2. Simply sit in a spot with no distractions, close your

eyes, and think about what you‘re grateful for and who

you‘re grateful for. Then smile.

3. Also take a second to give thanks for ―negative‖

things in your life. There are always two ways to look at

something. Many times we think of something as

negative — it‘s stressful, harmful, sad, unfortunate, and

difficult. But that same thing can be looked at in a more

positive way. Giving thanks for those things is a great

way to remind yourself that there is good in just about

everything. Problems can be seen as opportunities to

grow, to be creative.

4. Say thank you — when someone does something nice

for you, however small, try to remember to say thank

you. And really mean it.

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6.6. Get Enough Sleep

Get more sleep.

Most people are tired all the time — mostly because we don‘t rest

enough. Is it true for you? But if it‘s so obvious, why do we ignore

it? Because it‘s not seen as important as other things: waking

early, getting stuff done, attending to a thousand meetings, being

sucked into the world of online connections, the god-forsaken

television.

So we cut sleep in favor of these other things that are much more

important, and then wonder why our energy levels are low.

Low energy can have really wide-reaching consequences: our

work suffers, we‘re crankier and so our relationships suffer, and

when we‘re tired we don‘t have the discipline to exercise, eat

healthy, or do the other things we think are important but we

never have the energy to do.

Sleep can change all that — when we‘re well rested, we‘re

happier people, better friends and lovers, and have more

discipline and motivation to pursue health and passion.

HOW:

1. Assess how much sleep you’re getting. If you sleep

fewer than 7 hours a night, consider getting more sleep.

If you feel tired throughout the day, consider sleeping

more at night, or taking an afternoon nap if that‘s

possible.

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2. My first suggestion is to take a nap. If you‘re too tired to

take other steps, taking a nap is easy. Even a 20-minute

power nap can make a big difference. If you can‘t take a

nap, at the very least disconnect from digital devices.

Computers and smartphones are powerful tools, but

being on them for too long wears us out.

3. Disconnect, get outside, take a walk. Cancel an

appointment or two if you can. Stretch. Massage your

shoulders. Close your eyes for a few minutes. Breathe.

4. Exercise. A good hard work-out or run, bike or swim will

get you nice and tired. A good yoga workout is a

wonderful way to do that, as you learn mindfulness at

the same time. Even if the workout is early in the day, I

often go to bed with a tired body, and look forward to the

rest. Don‘t work out right before bed though.

5. Get up early. You can get your body to shift its sleeping

schedule by slowly getting up earlier. Try 15minutes

earlier than normal for a week, then another 15 minutes.

If you get up earlier, you‘ll be a bit tired during the day,

but when it comes time to go to sleep, you‘ll enjoy the

rest.

6. Go to bed earlier — the internet will be fine without you.

I like to read before bed (a book, not websites) as a

ritual that helps me sleep. It takes a while before your

sleeping patterns change.

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7. Establish a bedtime ritual. It takes time to unwind the

body and mind. At least an hour before bedtime, start

slowing down. Turn off the computer. Floss and brush

your teeth. Put away things you were using in the

evening. Lay down and read a book (not on your laptop).

This kind of ritual helps establish in your mind that it‘s

time to sleep, and your body takes this cue and begins

to prepare itself.

8. Focus your attention. Once you‘ve done your bedtime

ritual and unwound, and your body is nice and tired, you

need to quiet the mind. My trick for doing that: close

your eyes, and visualize what you did first thing today.

That might be opening your eyes and getting out of bed.

Then visualize the second thing you did — let‘s say you

peed and washed your face, or drank a glass of water.

Then you started the coffee but first had to grind the

beans. Visualize these tiny steps in detail. I never get

past the first hour before I‘m asleep.

Sleep is a blessing that I wish on all my friends, all of you

included. It‘s a much-needed rest that helps us to be truly awake

once the glorious new day has come.

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6.7. Replace Opinions With Curiosity

Replace opinions that you notice you have next game with

curiosity.

When we have opinions, we close off all further learning and

understanding. We think we know how things are, or how they

should be, and so we stop further exploration. This leads to very

limited understanding, to a lack of really getting to know

something. We‘re better than that. We can change. We can let go

of our judgments, our set opinions, and open ourselves up to true

learning and true understanding.

HOW:

1. Pay close attention to times when you judge others,

when you have an opinion on how things should be.

This usually happens several (or many) times

throughout the day, so you have to be on watch.

2. When you notice judgment or opinions, see if you can

open yourself up to curiosity instead. If you judge

someone as stupid or arrogant or ignorant, ask yourself,

―Is that true?‖ How can you find out? Can you talk to the

person, give them the benefit of the doubt, try to find out

more? When you notice an opinion, can you see if

you‘re right? How can you find out? Explore!

3. Seek to understand. Try to really understand a person.

Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine their

background. If possible, talk to them. Imagine the

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circumstances that might have led to the person acting

or looking like they do.

4. Like. Once you‘ve accepted someone for who he is, try

to like him. Even if you don‘t know him. Even if you‘ve

hated him in the past. Love him as a brother, or love her

as a sister, no matter who they are, old or young, light

skinned or dark, male or female, rich or poor. I know this

is difficult and I also know that it works like magic.

Loving others will make you happier and puts you more in

content with yourself. Trust me on this one. Being friendly with

others can change the lives of them, if you choose to express

that friendliness and take action on it. I can‘t guarantee what will

happen, but it can be life-changing.

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6.8. Breathe

Focus on your breath at least before the game.

Breathing can transform your life. If you feel stressed out and

overwhelmed, it can calm you and release the tensions. If you

are worried about something coming up, or caught up in

something that already happened, it can bring you back to the

present. If you are discouraged and have forgotten your purpose

in life, it can remind you about how precious life is, and that each

breath in this life is a gift you need to appreciate. If you have too

many tasks to do, or are scattered during your workday, it can

help bring you into focus. If you are exercising, it can help you

enjoy the exercise, and therefore stick with it for longer. If you are

moving too fast, it can remind you to slow down, and enjoy life

more. So breathe. And enjoy each moment of this life. They‘re

too fleeting and few to waste.

HOW:

1. Put the word ―Breathe‖ as a screensaver or desktop

picture, as a start page for your browser, or put it up as

a note on your wall or fridge or on your desk. Then do it

every time you see the word.

2. When you decide to focus on breathing, take 12

seconds for an experiment: practice focusing on a

relaxing breath… 2 seconds in and 4 seconds out,

repeated three times. That‘s it. Even that little amount of

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time can help your body and mind relax. Let your heart

rate slow. Let some of the stress slide away.

3. Now how can you give yourself the gift of relaxing

breaths during even your busiest games? One answer

is to pair a relaxing breath with an activity that comes up

repeatedly before the game. For example, after you get

dressed, breathe.

If this sounds suspiciously like meditation, well, cast those

suspicions out of your mind. We are not here to do suspicion —

we are doing nothing. You can breathe, and let go of all that

stress and fear, and be grateful for the moment you‘ve been

given, the breath that you have.

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6.9. Treat Failure as a Learning Opportunity

Reframe failure, so that each time you fail, even in a little way,

you change it from a bad thing into an opportunity to learn. We

did an NLP exercise on this, and it is so important, that I suggest

you should build a habit on this.

Failure is not the end of something — it‘s just one of the steps in

the beginning. Too often we take failure as a sign that we suck,

but in truth it‘s an important part of the learning process. Did you

fail at your last game? Fail to be on time for something? Fail to

make your spouse happy? Fail at a class, at reading a book, at

learning a language? These are all great opportunities to learn.

Get good at failing, and you‘ll get great at learning. You‘ll get

good at creating habits, at business, at parenting, at life.

HOW:

1. Notice anytime you fail at something, no matter how

small. Also think about recent failures from a variety of

personal activities.

2. Notice whether you internalize the failures, as a sign that

you‘re not good enough. If you do, reject that idea. It‘s

not true.

3. Instead, see what you can learn from the failure.

Instead of thinking of it as failure, see it as information.

What caused the failure? What can be changed? Take

notes or a diary — this is really valuable info.

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I highly recommend that you keep this idea in mind — it’s an

important shift in mindset.

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6.10. Turn Problems Into Opportunities

Whenever you encounter a problem, shift your thinking until you

see the opportunity.

Every game, we are faced with a number of problems, and how

we react to those problems determine show happy we are. We

can gnash our teeth in anguish at the horrible things that have

happened to us, or we can find a better way to deal with the

problem. One of the best methods that I‘ve learned is to find the

opportunity in every problem. A problem is only a problem if we

think it is. If instead we see it as something good, then it‘s not

going to cause frustration, anger, irritation, sadness.

Some examples:

• Someone is obstinately opposing you during a game.

The opportunity is a teachable moment— you can take

that opportunity to talk to that guy and really understand

him. Seeing a different perspective will enrich your

toolbox as a referee.

• Your spouse divorces you — an opportunity to learn

how to let go of what you wish things would be, and

instead re-invent yourself and explore new things.

• You lose your luggage and passports in a foreign

country. This is an opportunity to interact with locals,

learn their language, surrender yourself to the idea of

asking for help, and find your way in a difficult situation.

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• You‘re having trouble at work — which is an opportunity

to practice gratitude for what you have, including having

work at all.

HOW:

1. Pay attention to the times when you‘re having difficulty.

What is frustrating you? This problem is an opportunity.

2. When you notice a problem, search for the

opportunity. It‘s there if you look.

3. Some ideas for the opportunities: the opportunity to

practice patience, to remember to be grateful, to meet or

talk to someone new, to explore a new area, to learn, to

get better at something, to work on a relationship, to

improve your advancement opportunities, to learn to be

passionate, to educate, to let go, to be present, to

breathe.

4. Write down the opportunity, so that it hits home.

It is truly as simple as it sounds. The key is to watch yourself

constantly, and take action.

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7. What’s Next?

Now you know how to explore opportunities, how to feel good,

how to change, and how to enjoy it. Before your next game, get

into your confident state with firing your anchor, create focus by

the flow exercise and have fun doing, failing, learning and

achieving.

Between the games, you can do other exercises to take steps

toward your goal.

Remember. Excellent people know they‘ll never reach perfection

but strive for it through exploration, change, learning and

establishing good habits.

Anyway, please drop me a mail to peter@refereemindset.com.

I‘d love to hear about you and connect with you. Tell me your

story and don‘t hesitate to ask for support if needed.

Do you know what the best thing about the past is? It‘s that it‘s

over. And the best thing about the future? It‘s that you can do

some beautiful shit you‘ve never even dreamed of because you

were busy with the past.

Start when you feel right. Now breathe, be open for ideas around

you, and share your appreciation, thoughts and feelings with the

ones you care for.