the 10 stupidest mistakes men make when facing divorce by joseph cordell -- excerpt

8/9/2019 The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce by Joseph Cordell -- excerpt

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MISTAKE NO. 1

M O V I N G O U T

B successful architect, with his own small rm. He was married to Ellen, his college sweetheart, and they had twodaughters, ages six and eight. They enjoyed a comfortable uppermiddle class lifestylea nice home, a couple of late-model cars,one or two vacations a year. Bill loved family life. Even if he hadto stay late at work, he almost always made it home to read thegirls their bedtime stories. In the mornings, he got them bothup, made sure they were dressed and had their homework, pre-pared their breakfast, helped them pack their lunches, and thendrove them to school on his way in to the ofce. Ellen was not amorning person, but that was okay with Bill. He liked having the

morning as his special time with the girls.The marriage was good, he thought, but not great. LatelyEllen was spending more and more time out during the day, play-ing tennis and shopping and having lunch with her friends. Shehad begun asking her mom to pick up the girls after school some-times. Bill didnt always know where his wife was or what she wasdoing, but he didnt want to press her. Being a stay-at-home mom

was tough, he reasoned. And besides, the girls loved going toGrandmas house.

One Sunday evening after he tucked the girls in, Bill


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8 THE 10 STUPIDEST MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHEN FACING DIVORCE

came downstairs to nd Ellen waiting for him at the kitchen

table.Sit down, she said. We need to talk.She wanted a divorce. He was stunned. Why? he stam-

mered. Whats wrong?Im just not happy, she said. I dont love you any more.Bill couldnt believe it. He didnt want his marriage to end.

He wanted to try to work things out. This was so sudden. Hepleaded with her to be patient, to keep trying. Hed change. Heddo whatever she wanted. He pressed her: What else could he do?

Nothing, she said. You just dont make me happy. That was all she could tell him, and she kept saying it over and over:You just dont make me happy.

Ellen wanted Bill to move out that night. He could go stay

with his parents, who lived a few miles away.No, he said.If you dont, she said, I will call the police. Ill tell them

you hit me. Theyll take you away in handcuffs. And Ill get a re-straining order that keeps you out of the house anyway. Ill keepyou away from the kids, too. Do you want to see the kids? Thenmove out now.

Reeling, Bill felt like he had no choice. What could he do atten oclock on a Sunday night? If he was arrested, even on a falsecharge, he couldnt imagine the damage to his reputation. Hedprobably lose his business.

I want a divorce, but I want it to be civilized, Ellen assuredhim. If you move out tonight, Ill let you see the girls as much

as you want until we get everything settled. I dont want to hurtyou. I just want out of the marriage.Bill threw a few things into an overnight bag and drove to his

parents house. That drive was the longest 15 minutes of his life.


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MISTAKE NO. 1: MOVING OUT 9

The next morning, Bill called my law rm and asked if he

could come in. An hour later he was sitting in my ofce. Ive seena lot of unhappy men sit in that chair across from me. Sometimesthey are angry. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they are frus-trated. Sometimes they feel like they have failed as husbands.Sometimes they just dont understand what is happening. Bill

was all of those.I dont know what to do, he said. What should I do?I explained to Bill, as gently but rmly as I could, that he had

already made a big mistake. I also told himthough it didntmake him feel much betterthat he wasnt alone. Moving outis the rst mistake many men make when their marriages areon the rocks. And, unfortunately, its often the biggest mistake,toothe one that has the biggest impact as they try to rebuild

their lives after the divorce. Moving out when its not necessarycan mean that a man gets to see his kids less and that the divorcecosts more than if he stayed in the family home as long as reason-ably possible.

Many men voluntarilythough reluctantlymove out be-cause they think it is the right thing to do. Maybe it will helpsave the marriage. Maybe it will make things easier on his wifeand kids during a difcult time. I think some men see thefamily home as a place where they can live as long as their wivesagree. For whatever reason, men want to do the presumed rightthingeven when their marriages are collapsing and the worldis crashing down around them. Besides, if the marriage is strug-gling and there are tensions in the home, it often makes sense to

take a break. A little time apart might ease the tension, especiallyif there are children at home. And who knows? Maybe a tempo-rary separation ultimately will lead to a reconciliation and helpsave the marriage.


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10 THE 10 STUPIDE ST MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHEN FACING DIVO RCE

Those are noble sentiments, but foolish. Many men think

they have to move out when the relationship falls apart, but inmost cases they dontand they shouldnt.

My lawyers have witnessed this scene many times: A mancomes in for the rst time and says, My wife just told me she

wants a divorce. So I went to stay with a friend. Now Im lookingfor an apartment.

We ask why? Why did he move out? The man seems con-fused. She said she wants a divorce, he says. The marriageis over. Were not a couple any more. Were not going to livetogether.

But why, we ask, do you assume you are the one who shouldmove out?

Uh, I thought I was supposed to, he says. He explains that

she doesnt want him around the house any more, and it felt likehe should leave. He didnt want to ght with her, especially infront of the kids. It made him uncomfortable to be thereto beanywhere he wasnt wanted any more.

Its amazing to us how many times the man will voluntarilymove out even when the wife is in the wrong. A common ex-ample is when the wife is cheating, announces to her husbandthat her future is with her new man, demands a divorce, and tellshim to get out. And many men do it.

No, we tell them. Dont do it. Dont leave. Shes the one who wants the marriage to end. There is no reason that if some-one has to leave, she should be the one, not you. If she wants herspace, she can pack up her things and leave.

Many men who come to us are discouraged when we tellthem they shouldnt have moved outtheyve already madeStupid Mistake No. 1. But for many of those men, its a mistake


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MISTAKE NO. 1: MOVIN G OUT 11

that can be undone. If there havent been any legal proceedings

dictating he has to leave, its one of those rare instances when theman gets a do-over. For you golfers, a mulligan.

We tell men who have moved out: Nothing has been ledyet? Move back in. Right now. As soon as possible. The less timeyou have been gone, the better. The less time youre away, theless opportunity she has to claim you dont care about the kidsor the house.

Of course, sometimes there are legitimate reasons for movingout, especially if the soon-to-be-ex wife is making it impossibleto stay. Unfortunately, if the police are called or the wife seeks anemergency protective order, the presumption remains that the

wife will not make false accusations and the man is in the betternancial and physical position to leave. If the police are called

or a judge is given only the wifes version of the situation, it ismore than likely the man will be told to leave. All your wife hasto assert is aggressive conductblocking her path, taking her cellphone, verbal threatsand police or court intervention is prob-able. The bottom-line caveat: If you think theres any chance ofa claim of violence or interferenceby anyone, for any reasonthen moving out may be necessary, at least for a few days untilthings calm down.

Its understandable that a man would want to avoid conict andprotect his kids from seeing their parents ghting. Those are admi-rable reasons for leaving. But it sends the wrong message, and whatseems like a short-term solution to avoid conict and make thebreakup go smoothly can actually result in long-range problems

and give the man a very rough ride when it comes to the detailsof the divorce. Instead of leaving, propose reasonable rules tocontinue cohabiting with minimum conict. If she is adamant,


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12 THE 10 STUPIDE ST MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHEN FACING DIVORC E

propose a timetable that allows for an orderly evaluation of any

transition. And always get to a lawyer immediately, preferablybefore you pack that bag.

There are a number of reasons that men should not move out.Most important is that staying in the family home allows thefather to stay fully involved with his children during the divorceproceedings. We hear it all the time. In one breath, dads tell us,Ive moved out. In the next breath they say, I want custody ofmy kids. At that point we have to advise our clients that havingmoved out, they may have limited the available strategies andincreased the necessary effort and expense in pursuing custody.The divorce process can take time, especially when custody isan issue. If the father has moved out he may be portrayed as theabsentee father or as having moved on without his children.

Heres how it works. Divorce proceedings are nalized one oftwo ways. One, the two parties can reach an out-of-court settle-ment and agree on custody and the division of property. Theirlawyers take this settlement to the court, and the court reviewsit. Unless there is something totally out of whacksomething sounfair that its clear at least one sides lawyer did a poor jobthecourt will approve the settlement and it will become ofcial. Thedivorce decree will be entered and the two sides will be legallyobliged to live up to their commitments.

But when the two sides cannot reach an out-of-court agree-ment to settle their divorce, it goes to court. There is a trial beforea judge (a couple of states allow jury trials in some divorce cases,but it is rare) with witnesses and evidence and testimony and

opening and closing arguments and rulings from the bench and,nally, a decision by the judge. That decision is the divorce de-cree, and the two sides are legally obliged to live up to its terms.

But none of that happens quickly. It may take months, or


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even a year or two, for a divorce case to get to trial. Even if both

sides are eager to settle their divorce out of court, there are boundto be delays with lawyers and court schedules, and that can take

weeks or months too.In custody contests, the continued daily interaction with

your children and intimate awareness of the details of their day iskey. Moving out often means the father is cut off from the detailsof what is going on with his children, either by default or by the

wifes design. Being out of the home allows the wife the oppor-tunity to lobby, bribe, or guilt-trip the children in an attempt toalienate them from you. Let me put this very clearly: If you moveout, youre setting up arguments and tactics used to deny you areasonable chance of becoming the parent with primary custody.

Agreeing to the wifes demand that you move out may also

weaken any hope for meaningful joint custody. It is not uncom-mon for the wife who has gotten the husband to leave quicklyto then propose a quick custody agreement. Ellen did that in theearlier example, claiming, If you move out tonight, Ill let yousee the girls as much as you want until we get everything settled.Believing that she has established that she is in control of theterms of the divorce by getting you to leave, she may propose a

joint custody agreement that contains a catch-all provision. Inthe event of disagreement, her parenting decision prevails. Orshe may agree to joint custody with no real expectation of havingto abide by it. She assumes the man will automatically agree to

whatever decisions she makes, regardless of his rights under theterms of joint custody.

So what happens during those weeks or monthsor year ormorewhile the divorce is pending if you do voluntarily moveout? Who decides who pays for what and who is responsible forthe kids on what days?


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Many states issue temporary orders to decide all that. These

orders are often issued or approved by a judge after an initial hear-ing that is held soon after the divorce has been led. The husbandand wife, through their lawyers, usually work out the details be-tween them. If they differon how much money the husbandneeds to pay the wife each week or month, for example, or howoften he is allowed to take the kids overnighttheir lawyerspresent their respective arguments and the court makes the ulti-mate decision. Either side can ask for another hearing to changethe temporary orders but in most cases, unless there is a severeproblem with the temporary orders, the orders stand until the di-vorce is nalized. Judges dont want to hear the same temporaryissues over and over.

Consequently, temporary orders are huge. Dont let anyone

especially your own lawyertell you otherwise. Lets use an ex-ample to illustrate. Alex and Zoe had not been getting along foryears, and agreed to split up. They agreed to be civilized. He wouldmove out and get an apartment near the family house, where she

would continue to live with the kids, ages 11 and 14. The kids would stay with her during the week, in order not to interrupttheir school routines. Alex could see the kids, both boys, anytime he wanted after school. Both of them were athletes, and hecould always go watch their games or practices and walk themhome afterward. Alex could also see the kids on weekends, andhe often did. Hed spend part of pretty much every Saturday orSunday with one or both. Because his apartment was too smallto have both boys stay overnight at the same time, the kids stayed

with him on alternate weekends. One would sleep at his place onFriday and Saturday, and then the other would stay with him thefollowing Friday and Saturday.

These arrangements went on for some time as Alex and


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Zoe discussed the divorce and retained attorneys. The arrange-

ment was approved by the court for the temporary orders issuedshortly after Zoe nally led for divorce. Alex was ne with thearrangements. For all practical purposes, Alex believed he had

joint custody. He was in the process of getting a bigger place inthe neighborhood, a place where each boy could have his ownroom, and he wanted 50-50 custody. But when he tried to for-malize the 50-50 arrangement in the nal divorce decree monthslater, he got a rude shock. Zoe said no. She wanted primary cus-tody. She would allow Alex to have one or both boys one nighteach week and on alternate weekends.

In court, Alexs lawyer objected to Zoes proposal. The judgeseemed sympathetic to Alexs case: He was a good dad, he wasinvolved. But the judge had a problem. If Alex had wanted 50-50

custody, why hadnt he asked for it earlier? Why hadnt he askedfor it when he and Zoe were making the arrangements to splitup almost a year ago?

Alexs lawyer tried to argue that Alex had agreed to the tem-porary orders solely because he thought that arrangement wouldbe easiest for the kids during a difcult time.

Zoes lawyer had a counterpoint. The arrangement had been working for a year. The kids were ne. Why change it now?Nothing was different except that their parents were not going tobe ofcially married any more. They were doing ne living withmom and seeing dad a few times a week. If Alex thought thatarrangement was best for the kids up to that point and agreed toformalize the arrangement in the temporary order, why wasnt it

still the best arrangement for them now?Heres how one of our lawyers explains it to clients:Temporary orders are a signicant strategy portion of the

case. The judge will order whos living in the house and whos


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going to leave the house. Usually the primary parent will end up

staying in the house with the children. If the dad moves out ofthe house by agreement without making a case before the judgeas to primary responsibility for the kids, then that dad has a veryhard case to make later to be the primary parent. Voluntarilyleaving the house shows the court that clearly the dad doesnteven think that he is as crucial to this home as the mom is.Caseworkers tell me this all the time: If the dad believes that heis such a crucial part of the family that hed be a good primaryparent, well, hed make the effort to stay in the home with thechildren if at all possible.

Staying in the home also makes sense for nancial consider-ations, such as the additional cost of setting up a separate house-hold for the husband and making sure two sets of household bills

get paid. If the husband is directly paying the bills to support thehousehold where they are both living, the wife needs less money,if any, from him, particularly if she has her own income to coverher personal expenses. Conversely, if the husband is out of thehouse, her attorney will seek to have him pay her temporary sup-port so she can pay the household expenses, with no guaranteethat she will actually use those payments for those bills. Whilethe wife should be held accountable if she doesnt pay the house-hold bills, the creditors dont care why the bills werent paid andyour credit takes a beating. Staying in the house and paying theexpenses directly is less expensive and minimizes the debts that

will have to be resolved in the nal hearing.Remember, the wife has no automatic priority to stay in the

house, especially if she says she cant afford the mortgage pay-ments on her own. When she asserts that you should make all orpart of the monthly payments to let her stay in the home, you


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want to assert your right to comparable housing for you and

your children. You shouldnt have to pay for her to have a betterlifestyle than you do, especially if keeping her in high style meansyou cant pay your bills. Heres a common argument our lawyersmake: Your Honor, she cannot make the mortgage payments,but has family to stay with nearby. Our client can pay the mort-gage, but doesnt have any family nearby. Since my client is goingto have to pay the mortgage, then he should be allowed to stay inthe house. That argument can be powerfully persuasive to some

judges, simply because its fair. If youre paying for the roof, youshould be able to sleep under it.

In the case of a hostile divorce, being out of the house canopen the door to what lawyers call spousal mischief. One client

who was not represented by our rm when he moved out came

to us later with a sad story. He had initially agreed to pay themortgage while his wife stayed in the house.But you gotta pay the utilities, he told her.No, she said. You should pay the utilities, too.If you dont pay the utilities, I wont pay the mortgage, he

insisted.Finally they compromised on a temporary agreement ap-

proved by the court: She would pay for gas and electric, andhe would pay the water bill. They agreed that she would pay allthe bills as they came in during the divorce proceedings, andhe would reimburse her for the water bill when the divorce be-came nal. Well, it took a year for them to settle the details ofthe divorce. When he nally got the water bill, he learned that

she had turned on the water taps in the house and left them run-ning 24/7 for every hour, every minute, every second of those12 months. Neither he nor his previous lawyer had put any sort


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of contingency into the temporary agreement to limit the use of

water or the amount of the bill. Consequently, he had to pay thathuge water bill.

Damage to the house can be an issue, too. If youre in thehouse, youre going to be taking care of the place, as usual. Ifnot, things can get run-down pretty fast. Often in a divorce oneside or the other will try to hold on to the house. Sometimes it

works, sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes the house has to be puton the market quickly, and sold quickly, for whatever price. Ina few months, a house that has been neglected can lose a lot ofvalueand you can lose a lot of the equity that you had built up.Thats usually money you were hoping to use to restart your life.

In one case I had, the husband moved out reluctantly and the wife stayed in the house to keep raising the kids there. But she

couldnt afford the mortgage and let the payments slide withouttelling him. Before long the house was in foreclosure. She walkedaway and left the keys for the bank. In another case the wife whostayed in the house let it fall into disrepair, and all the moneyand work my client had put into the place literally crumbled. Inboth cases, my clients didnt know what was going on, and by thetime they learned about it, it was too late to do anything. Beyondthe loss of the value of the house, they were co-debtors on themortgages so their credit ratings were trashed too.

In practical terms, moving out also means the husband isabandoning any hope of keeping the house to live in himselfsome day. I vividly remember asking a judge to award the houseto a man who had moved out.

What? the judge demanded, looking at me as if I was crazy.If he wanted the house, why did he move out?The man did not get the house.One of the biggest problems with moving out is what you


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leave behind. Take a detailed inventory of whats in the house,

down to the knives and forks, and document it with photos andvideos if possible. Your lawyer will want to itemize the propertyleft with your wifeand the longer and more valuable the list,the better for you when negotiating a nancial settlement. Forexample, your soon-to-be-ex wife might go to court saying thatshe needs money from you to buy new furniture or dishes orsomething else for the house. If you have an inventory, with pho-tos, showing that you left behind a well-stocked house of goodquality furnishings, she wont get far with those arguments.

Lots of men leave behind their nancial and personal docu-ments, thinking they can retrieve them when needed. Whethertheyre joint documents showing accounts and tax returns, oryour personal health, employment, or military records, take

them with you.Were going to need to go through your nancial records,I tell every client.

Far too many of them say, Uh, I left em at the house. When they go back to retrieve the documents, the documentshave disappeared.

When that happens, the mans attorney is in the awkwardposition of having to request all the nancial information fromthe wifes attorney.

More than once weve gotten the response, We dont know what youre talking about. We cant nd any records like that.

Ill tell the other lawyer, My client says the bank statementsare in the basement in the southeast corner in the second drawer

of the ling cabinet.The wifes lawyer will come back a few days later and say,My client says there are no documents.

We can re-create those records by going back to the nancial


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institutions, but it can take a lot of time and add to the cost of

the case. Another consideration when moving out is your stuff. You

know what I mean. All men have their stuff. Some of it may bevaluable, some of it may be sentimental, and some of it may bemeaningless to anyone but us. But its our stuff and its irreplace-able. Its also property your wife will use to gain leverage or willdispose of in an attempt to trigger an angry reaction to holdagainst you later.

If and when you do move out, make sure you take your mostimportant personal property with you. You may think youll al-

ways be able to get your prize shotguns or your baseball cardcollection, but when you walk out that door it may be the lasttime you see them. In the heat of the moment, amid all the emo-

tion, men throw a few things in a bag and theyre gone. Later when they return, their stuff is gone too. Sure, when men leave,their wives promise to let them come back and get their stuff.But sometimes they dont let them in again. Sometimes they justthrow the stuff away or, worse yet, give it to their new boyfriends.

When anticipating the wifes request for you to leave or whennegotiating the possible timetable for any voluntary departure,build in time to move your things. Rent storage space or use afriends garage, and move what you can. I am not talking abouttaking the furniture or appliances, which will certainly triggeralarms with your wife and perhaps escalate matters (althoughmore than one clients wife has backed up a truck while he wasat work and cleaned out the house, including appliances and

kitchen cabinets). Moving out your tools, sporting equipment,and records that your wife never sees or uses should not cause herconcern. If she objects to you moving your stuff, thats a red ag:This divorce may not be amicable after all.


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Sometimes its too late to go back, such as when the wife has

formally led for divorce and the papers have been served on thehusband. In some states, that means the case has been frozen andall the people and property have to remain in place until the caseis settled. Once papers have been served, the husband may have togo to court and ask a judge to order the wife to let him back in.

When men have moved out and want to move back, we ad-vise against barging in like the king of the castle. That mightiname the wife, create a scene, and upset the kids. We tell themto move back in with little fanfare, preferably when no one elseis home. Avoiding the drama is always a big part of managinga breakup. You want to avoid any situation that might produceharsh words, shouting, and especially violence. Dont disturbthe peace when you move back in, we tell clients.

But that phrasedisturbing the peacehas different mean-ings in different communities. One client who lived in a smalltown and knew some of the local police went to talk to thembefore he moved back in, just to nd out what he could do ifhis wife had changed the locks or blocked the doors. Hey, itsyour house, the ofcer told him. We dont care how you get in.

Youre entitled to break a window to get into your own house. As long as your name is on the deed or lease, you generally havethe right to enter your home, as long as you dont create a dis-turbance. Just to be safe, check with your attorney or local lawenforcement before re-entering your home.

On more than one occasion, a man has asked me, Well, where should I sleep? Should I move to the basement? Out to

the garage?What are the options, what are the schedules, and whatmakes sense? I ask them. If you want to stay in the masterbedroom to get a good nights sleep since you have to go to work


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and she doesnt, stake that claim. Youve got as much right to stay

there as your wife. If she doesnt want to sleep in the same room,she can go out on the couch or a guest room.

At the same time, sure, if a man says hed be more comfort-able in a guest room or on a foldout in the basement, by allmeans thats where he should sleepespecially if it will holddown tension in the home. Even if the judge kicks the husbandout as part of the temporary orders after a contested hearing,thats okay. Thats better than leaving voluntarily. By assertingreasonable arguments to stay in your house with your childrenyou have a stronger position when it comes to asking for custodyor the house in the nal divorce settlement.

When Bill, the architect in the example at the beginning ofthis chapter, moved out of the house, he came to me and asked,

What should I do? He still hoped to save his marriage. I dontthink its necessarily over, he kept saying. We told him that we admired his commitment to his family

and his desire to hold the marriage together, but we also told himhe was probably being nave. When things get as far as thisbeing forced out of the house under the threat of arrest when hehadnt laid a nger on his wifewe rarely see couples reconcile.

When we learned that Bills wife had not yet served him withdivorce papers, I urged him to move back in. Resume your nor-mal role. Read to the kids. Make them breakfast. Drive them toschool.

We advised him to go back that very afternoon, while his wife was picking up the kids from school. Just be there when she gets

home, I suggested.Bill was uncomfortable with the idea. He had always goneout of his way to be accommodating to Ellen and her wishes and


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needs. It was against his nature to do anything that might upset

her, and he was sure she would be very upset to nd him back inthe house. But after a 20-minute discussion, part pep talk abouthow it might actually help his marriage and part point-by-pointlegal argument on the advantages of staying in the home for bothnancial and custody reasons, he agreed to move back in.

He called me a few hours later, around the time school wasgetting out.

I cant get back in, he said. Shes already changed thelocks. She must have made the appointment with the locksmithbefore she asked him to move out.

I said he could still move back in. I urged him to call thelocal policeit was a nice suburb, the police knew this sort ofthing happened, and they knew how to handle itand see what

they said. Maybe they would help him get back in, the way theymight help any homeowner who accidentally locked himself outof his house.

Okay, let me think about that, Bill said. He didnt call backuntil the next day, when he reported that he had given up ongetting back into the house. He didnt want to risk upsettinghis wife and, through her, upsetting the children. Ill still seethe girls a lot while Im at my folks place, he said. I told himI hoped he was right. But it turned out he wasnt.

A few days later, a process server showed up at Bills ofceand handed him the formal petition for divorce prepared by his

wifes attorney. Unless his wife changed her mind, which seemedextremely unlikely, Bill would have to ask the court for permis-

sion to move back into the house. Even if you want to try that,I told him, we wont be able to get a hearing in front of a judgefor at least six weeks. Thats how backed up the courts are.


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24 THE 10 STUPIDE ST MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHEN FACING DIVO RCE

By then, I told Bill, the judge would look at the case and say

something like this:The dad is living with his parents, and hes doing all right.

The kids are living with the mom, and theyre all right. This tem-porary situation seems to be working. So why should we upsetthe applecart and change everything? Its working.

At this point, I told Bill, the only way a judge might order adad back into the house would be if the dad could show that he,not the mom, was the primary caregiver for the kids, or that he

was an equal partner with her in the parenting. But that didnty in this case, at least not on the face of it. Bill worked longand hard running his business, and Ellen stayed home and tookcare of the kids. It might not seem right and it might not seemfair, but by moving out on that Sunday night Bill basically sur-

rendered to his wife and put her in the position of driving anysettlement discussions. After all, she now had what he wanted:the kids.

Bill had to overcome the fact that the kids can get along justne without him. The less she let him see the kids, the strongerher case would be for persuading the court to award her primarycustody. Despite Bills efforts to see them almost every day, Ellen

was making them available only once or twice a week, usuallyonly for an hour or two due to alleged schedules, homework,and other activities. She was putting herself in position to arguethat she was taking care of the children full-time, and they weredoing well. Furthermore, she could argue that she couldnt get a

job because the kids needed her at home, and consequently Bill

should pay more nancial support. If Bill argued that he lovedthe kids and wanted to be with them as much as possible and wanted to support them himself instead of giving her the money


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to do it, Ellen would have one short, powerful argument: He

moved out and left us.In 99 out of 100 cases comparable to Bills, he probably

wouldnt be able to get a court to agree to give him primary cus-tody. I told him that, but he insisted on asking for it, even thoughhis wife wanted primary custody and was offering Bill the girlsonly one evening a week and every other weekend. At a mini-mum Bill wanted a 50-50 custody arrangement: The girls wouldstay a week with their mother and a week with him. Hed gottena new place near the girls school. They would have their ownrooms. He didnt want to take the girls away from their mother;he simply wanted to continue to be as involved in their lives as hehad been before the breakup. My rm agreed: If thats what Bill

wanted, wed try to get it for him, despite the long odds.

The deeper we got into the case, the more hopeful I became,even though Bill had moved out. Nobody disputed that Bill hadspent a lot of time with his kids. Their teachers knew him andliked him. Parents and neighbors knew how involved he was.Meanwhile, we learned that his wife had been having an affair.That fact alone wouldnt necessarily affect a judges custody con-siderations, but a new romance is sometimes a distraction. Welooked for evidence that Ellen was spending more time with hernew man and less time with her daughters.

Most divorces settle before trial. The two sides and their at-torneys, no matter how bitter the feelings, usually manage to

work out custody, nancial, and other details of the agreement without asking the judge to hear the witnesses, consider the evi-

dence, and decide the case. There was not going to be any settle-ment in this case, however, not as long as Bill pushed for sharedcustody and Ellen said no. The case I presented showed Bill to be


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a good provider and a good dad whose problem was that he had

married a woman who fell out of love with him. We presented arange of evidence to back that up, highlighted by the testimonyof one of the kids teachers, who said Bill was one of the mostinvolved and caring parents she had ever seenmom or dad.

What decided the case, however, was Ellens testimony.During her previous statements for the record, she had said thatvirtually all her expenses after she kicked Bill out had been totake care of the kids and the house. She insisted that she wentout with friendsher girlfriendsonly once every two weeks orso. On cross-examination, I presented her credit card bills. Thosebills clearly showed that Ellen had been spending money almostevery daytennis lessons, shopping, spa treatments, and lunchesthat obviously were not at McDonalds. There were also a num-

ber of expenses from evening forays out for dinner and drinks.She sputtered in response, and the judge frowned at her. In herprevious testimony, Ellen also said that she almost nevermaybeonce a monthasked her mother to keep the girls overnight. Icalled her mother as a rebuttal witness, and asked her how oftenshe had been keeping the kids overnight. The grandma, not

wanting to hurt her daughter but not wanting to commit perjuryeither, did her best to avoid answering.

Oh, not that often, she said. Every once in a while.The evasive answers were probably more harmful to Ellen

than if the grandma had simply told the truth and admitted thatshe kept the girls one or two nights a week.

The judge ruled in Bills favor. He got 50-50 joint custody.

He did not have to pay nearly as much child support as Ellen hadbeen asking. She did not get nearly as much alimony as she hadrequested. And the judge told her to go out and get a job.


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Bill was one of the few lucky guys who moves out and doesnt

suffer for it too much. If his wife hadnt mishandled her lifeand her divorce case, he would not have as much money in hisbank account today or, more importantly, as much time withhis daughters. Theyre teenagers now, and he has a strong rela-tionship with both of them. He talks to his ex-wife only aboutissues concerning the kids, and he sees her only once in a whileat school events.

In contrast, theres the example of Don, an executive with apharmaceutical company. He had been in a long marriagethekids were already teenagerswhen he and his wife decided to-gether to call it quits. She asked him to move out.

Theres no reason for me to move out of my own house, hesaid. But if you want to move, go ahead.

Its tense with you here, she said.I dont think so, he said.She led the divorce papersDon was served them at home,

while he was watchingMonday Night Football down in the denand he still didnt move out. Her lawyer started sending himcertied letters, very ofcial looking and ofcious sounding, pro-claiming that he had to move out. He showed them to me, we hada laugh over them, stuck them in a le, and forgot about them.

The kids are feeling the effects of you still being here while we are getting divorced, his wife told him.

I dont think so, he said. The kids seemed ne, except whentheir mother tried to persuade them to ask him to move out.

When that happened, they told her to quit bugging them.

Finally Dons wife went to court to get him out of the house.The judge seemed dumbfounded by the request. The man hadnthurt anyone. He hadnt threatened anyone. He hadnt even raised


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his voice. He wasnt keeping his wife from doing anything she

wanted to do. He was paying the bills. The kids didnt mind hav-ing him around.

Compared with what I usually see, the judge said, thisdoesnt even hit my radar screen. Request denied.

In the end, the wifes efforts to get the man out of the houseprobably hurt her settlement. Because the judge seemed to side

with the husband, her lawyers ended up advising her to accept joint custody and a reduced nancial package.

If Don had moved out, she would have had a much strongercase, and he very well may have had to pay her more while seeingless of the kids.

DONT MAKE A STUPID MISTAKE:STAY IN THE HOME IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.


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the 10 stupidest mistakes men make when facing divorce by joseph cordell -- excerpt

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