tattler weekly world - villa roma
TRANSCRIPT
WEEKLY WORLD
TATTLER
VILLA ROMA’S “DOC” HOLIDAY TO LEAD CAR CARAVAN TO
U.F.O. FAIR AND PARADE! Dateline Pine Bush NY - As the town of Pine Bush prepares for
its annual U.F.O. Fair and Parade, scheduled for Saturday May,
19, they may be welcoming more unusual “visitors” than they
had bargained for.
“What’s that you say?” shocked local resident Bucky Flint
exclaimed as he adjusted his tinfoil hat, “Doc Holiday’s coming
to Pine Bush? That guy’s freakin’ nuts!”
Whether he’s a simple crack-pot, or a madman-genius is de-
batable. What is not up to debate is the fact that “Doc” has a car
caravan scheduled to leave the front circle of the Villa Roma Re-
sort and Hotel at 9:00 am on the morning of May 19th. They will
be leaving the Fair in Pine Bush at 2:00 pm that afternoon for
their return trip to the world famous Catskills resort. The Alien
revelers and little-green-men watchers in the small upstate New
York hamlet can only hunker down and wait for the arrival of the
starry-eyed followers from Callicoon, and their charismatic,
Svengali-like leader “Doc “Holiday. Reached at his mountaintop
lair, which searves as both laboratory and launching pad. Mr. Holiday could be heard muttering, as if almost to himself, “Alien Family Game Show! Best in Galaxy Beauty
Pageant! Eye Spy an Alien! Food! Arts! Vendors! Speakers! Novelty items for sale! ...and the parade! Dress in
costume, or just come out and people-watch! Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”
SHOCK!
Remember!
When they ask
where you heard
it, tell ‘em
“I read it in the
Tattler!”
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DISGRUNTLED BEE-KEEPER ABDUCTS OUT-OF-SHAPE SPACE ALIEN!
Dateline Equinunk PA - In an usual turn of events, a human be-
ing abducted an extraterrestrial in northeastern Pennsylvania
late Friday night.
“I got sick and tired of this porky, little piece of work show-
ing up every weekend trying to probe me and drag me out to his
dang blasted saucer,” said local bee-keeper Henry Tirebiter. “So
I kicked his little gray bee-hind. When he came to, the shoe was
on the other foot, and I was the one doing the prob- (see pg. 87)
A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
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Issue 2 A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
BOOK READING BOY BAFFLES
SCIENTISTS! WOW! Dateline Coxsackie NY - When Billy “Bud” Baxter
cracked open his first book, his mother, Jaxie
Pleather, fainted dead away. “I heard the spine of
the book crack, I guess,” Ms. Pleather recounted.
“I just figured it was Bud’s baby daddy opening a
can of Utica Club. Then I turned around and saw
it: Bud had his nose stuck in a book, and was read-
ing it all by hisownself! Now, I seen him many
times with his nose stuck in his phone. I even seen
him once with a honey jar stuck on his head when
he was a baby, but I never seen him with his nose
stuck in a book. It was freaky.”
Billy “Bud” Baxter explains: “I was in
school, in time-out, with my best friend Cricket,
and we were texting back and forth on our phones.
He sent me an extra long text, and I said, ‘write me
a book, whydon’tcha?’ The next thing I know, he
hits me upside the head with this.” Billy “Bud”
held up a hardcover copy of The Adventures of
Tom Sawyer. “At first I was gonna throw it back at
him, but as it lay open on my desk, I noticed that it
was made up of letters and words, just like a text! I
started reading it, and you know what? It’s about a
kid my age. Once I figured out how to turn the
pages, I just kept on going, and now I’m almost
finished with it. I think I might try to read another
one of these things!”
As The Weekly World Tattler went to
press, Billy “Bud” Baxter’s mother Jaxie continues
to monitor her son for any sign of fever, discom-
fort, personality disorder or demonic possession.
Billy “Bud” Baxter digs into his latest tome, much to Cricket’s disdain.
Monique’s Book Boutique 3347 NY-52, White Sulphur Springs, NY 12787
(845) 292 - 2665
Read It Again Used Bookstore 63 North St, Monticello, NY 12701
(845) 794 - 0017
Loose Leaf Pages Inc. 627 Main St. Honesdale, PA 18431
(570) 253-0907
One Grand Books 60 Main St, Narrowsburg, NY 12764
(845) 252 - 3541
Letterhead Comics 1023 Main St, Honesdale, PA 18431
(570) 352 - 5041
Cuddle up in a cozy nook, with a warm drink and a book, within a winter symphony—B. Wilson
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Issue 3 A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
SASQUATCH SIGHTING IN SULLIVAN COUNTY!
SHOCK!
Dateline Callicoon - When Vern Aschendorff of Staten
Island New York decided to spend a week in late April in
the bucolic Catskill Mountains, the last thing he expected
was to come face to face with a legendary cryptohominid.
Some call it sasquatch, yeti, or the abominable snowman.
Some call it skunk-ape or menk, but most just know it as
Bigfoot.
“Me and my two buddies here (“Skeeter” and Jim
“Roger” Green, both of Bucksnort Tennessee) were hiking
down a trail near a local resort, when we seen it. It had to
be at least twelve feet tall, and seven feet wide, all covered
with hair, and stinkin’ to high heaven.” He went on to de-
scribe the creature’s eyes glowing like two red hot coals in
it’s eyesockets. He then claimed that some kind of cork-
screw shaped horn began to grow out the middle of his
forehead. Aschendorff gesticulated furiously as he com-
pared the creature to some sort of a cross between a quad-
ruple sized orangutan and an overly excited unicorn.
Dateline Fremont Center - A small, foot long Plesiosaur-like lake monster sud-
denly appeared in the choppy waters of Crystal Lake in the early evening of May
5th. “I wasn’t about to wait around for ‘Mama’ to show up,” said eye witness Fred
“Chicken” Waffles. “That thing is prolly over thirty feet long with big sharp teeth
and a tail that’d kill a man with a single swat! No sir, I turned and got th’ f–
“I’ll never forget the smell,” Aschendorff continued. “It was like something between a mildly moldy hay bale
and a slightly wet collie dog. It was moderately disagreeable, just really somewhat objectionable.” When asked
what the three men did when confronted with the great woodland behemoth, Jim “Roger” Green visibly prick-
led: “What the heck do you think we done? We turned tail and run for it!” Asked if they were scared, Jim
“Roger” Green disdainfully spat out his plug of chaw. “Hell’s no, we wasn’t scared!” he declared. “We was
just a little surprised, is all, right fellas?” Aschendorff absently looked down at his feet and picked at a dust
bunny with his sneaker toe. “I wasn’t scared neither,” said Skeeter. Glancing at Aschendorff, he volunteered
that his friend Vern was really terribly frightened at the time, and had in fact “peed hisself a little.”
“BABY NESSIE” SIGHTED IN CRYSTAL LAKE
cont pg 58
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Issue 4 A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
VW “BUG” & BUS STATUES TO BE PLACED ON NY STATE THRUWAY
THE HIPPIES
ARE COMING!
Dateline White Lake - The reception to Sullivan County New York’s “Dove Trail,” incorporating 50 large
fiberglass dove statues, to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Woodstock Festival, has been so positive
that a second, similar project has been announced. Artists from all over New York State are busily painting
500,000 Volkswagen Beetle and Minibus statues in psychedelic 1960’s colors. When finished, the statues will
be unveiled, and placed haphazardly up and down the New York State Thruway during August 15 - 18 this
summer, effectively bringing traffic to a stand-still, commemorating one of the greatest traffic jams of all time.
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Issue 5 A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
Dateline Callicoon - Famed artist Christo Vladimirov Javacheff, known worldwide simply by his first name
Christo, has installed one of his best known pieces “Wrapped Dove” at the Villa Roma Resort in Callicoon
New York. When asked his motivation in placing a work in the Catskill Mountains, his response was both sur-
prising, and bittersweet. He missed the borscht his Mama used to make for him as a small boy in Gabrovo
Bulgaria. When he first heard of the“Borscht Belt” his heart melted, and he knew he had to visit the region and
leave a small piece of himself behind as a thank you for a place that appreciates a big hearty bowl of - cont pg 58
MODERN
ART!
CHRISTO DONATES FAMOUS PIECE TO CATSKILLS RESORT!
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Issue 6 A Villa Roma Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
EARTH’S MOON TO HOST BELEAGUERED WOODSTOCK
50th ANNIVERSARY FESTIVAL Dateline Watkins Glen NY - With just 70 days left until the three day fes-
tival marking the fiftieth anniversary of the 1969 Woodstock festival is due to
begin, a second producer, CID entertainment, has severed ties with Woodstock
50 LLC. This was immediately following the Watkins Glen International Speed-
way withdrawing their offer to host the event, which is expected to draw tens of
thousands of eager concert goers. “We are in discussions with another venue to host Woodstock 50 on August 16-
18 and look forward to sharing the new location when tickets go on sale in the coming
weeks,” stated Woodstock spokesman and academy award winner Gregory Peck. When
asked about the location of the new venue, the venerated, late acting legend cleared his
throat, patted Woodstock promoter Michael Lang on the back, and prodded him gently
toward the microphone.
Mr. Lang warmly greeted the gathered journalists, and proceeded to command
the press conference with ease and authority, discussing all the options that still remain
open in terms of permits, venues and the infrastructure thereof. After a strong beginning,
he became quiet, and his eyes glazed over as he turned his head skyward and spread his
arms for dramatic effect.
“...all of those plans are behind us now,” Lang continued, “as we have decided
to celebrate two 1969 anniversaries in one: Woodstock and the lunar landing.”
Artist’s misconception of Wood-
stock 50 promoter and cock-
eyed optimist Michael Lang.
As the crowd murmured and a sense of general befuddlement turned to that of genuine concern, Lang
went on to describe his plans for the festival’s future. He had been trying to contact both Elon Musk and Rich-
ard Branson in order to provide space buses to the Moon for four hundred and fifty thousand hippies to rock
out on the Sea of Tranquility. The natural amphitheaters formed by several nearby craters would hold newly
constructed stages, and biosphere-like bubbles would contain pumped in oxygen. Once water and food arrived
via a joint Russian/US space effort, a series of elaborate waste disposal systems would be put in place to com-
plete the necessary infrastructure improvements. The human waste, he said, could be stored in underground
caves until such time as it could be converted into methane gas in order to fuel the rockets used to propel the
concert revelers home. The best part, according to Lang: “no permits necessary whatsoever for anything!”
When asked by an incredulous reporter if he had an alternate venue in mind, should these plans fall
through, Lang’s face lit up with his trademark boyish grin. “I’ve been speaking to the consulate of the Martian
Embassy in case of such an event, and things are looking really promising,” said the ever optimistic promoter.