suburgatory4x5660

8/19/2019 SUBURGATORY4X5660

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Suburgatory

2013/2014 SEASON

"NO, YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US"

EPISODE #4X5660

As Broadcast

Prepared By:SDI Media USA10950 Washington Blvd., Studio BCulver City, CA 90232(310) 388-8800

For:

Warner Bros. Television Air Date: 04/23/2014



SuburgatoryEpisode #4X5660

Page 1

BEGIN EPISODE

FADE IN

BEGIN ACT ONE

FADE IN

MUSIC CUE IN WITH VOCALS

SCENE: INT. ROYCE’S -- DALIA’S BEDROOM -- DAY

SCREEN GRAPHIC: QUEEN LITTLE MISS GLITS

(CLOSE ON: AN ALTAR-LIKE DISPLAY OF PAGEANT RIBBONS AND TROPHIES. ORGANMUSIC.)

TESSA(vo) If the women of Chatswin had a church, it would be Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty Pageants.

(WIDEN TO REVEAL: DALIA SITTING BORED BENEATH THE DISPLAY, RESPLENDENT INFINERY.)

TESSA (CON'T)(vo) And if that church had a pope, it would be ten-time Little Miss Chatswin Glitz Grand-PrixChampion, Dalia Royce.

(ANGLE ON: NINA NERGEN AND HER TEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER NADIA ON THEIRKNEES, LIKE SUPPLICANTS BEFORE THE PONTIFF.)

NINA(o.s.) Please, Dalia! (on) She’s been through so much. She’s had her ears pinned, her stomachstapled, (o.s.) All she needs now is you.

NADIAPlease! Just get me across the finish line.

DALIAGet up.

(NINA AND NADIA SCRAMBLE TO THEIR FEET.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

DALIA (CON'T)I’ll coach her. (o.s.) But we’re gonna have to do (on) something about her-- (making a sign of the

cross) Hair, shoes, and scrawny little shoulders.

MUSIC CUE IN

NINAYes! Oh, God, yes!

TESSA(vo) Those pageant hopefuls may have thought Dalia was being generous, but she was in itfor the glory.




Page 2

(NINA KISSES A GIANT SPARKLY RING ON DALIA’S FINGER.)

DALIAGet out.

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL -- CAFETERIA -- LATER

(TESSA AND VICTOR ENTER.)

TESSA(vo) Unlike me, who truly cared about Chatswin's youth.

VICTORYou can’t stay with me through lunch…

MUSIC CUE OUT

VICTOR (CON'T)

Can you?

TESSANo, I’m afraid I can’t.

VICTOR(scanning the room) In that case, I guess I’ll take a chance with those dweebs.

MUSIC CUE IN

VICTOR (CON'T)(o.s.) Or the (on) Axe body spray posse. (beat) You know what, I think the dweebs.

MUSIC CUE OUT

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSA(vo) Watching Victor navigate the cutthroat cafeteria scene took me back. I could identify withVictor almost as much as I could with that mini Lena Dunham...

NADIANo.

TESSA(vo) ...getting iced by the blonde squad.

(TESSA SPOTS AN AWKWARD AND SHY ALANA WALKING UP TO NADIA AND A GROUPOF HER FELLOW PAGEANT GIRLS WHO EAT LUNCH TOGETHER AT A TABLE. NADIAONLY HAS TO RAISE A HAND TO REJECT ALANA,)

SCREEN GRAPHIC: THANK YOU

(WHO TAKES HER CUE AND DOES AN ABOUT-FACE. SHE SETTLES IN BY HERSELF ATAN EMPTY TABLE. TESSA APPROACHES.)




Page 3

TESSA (CON'T)Hey, Alana, what was that?

MUSIC CUE OUT

ALANAOh, those girls don’t want me to sit with them.

TESSAAre you kidding? Of course they want you to sit with them.

(ANGLE ON: NADIA OPENING HER CARDIGAN TO REVEAL A T-SHIRT BEDAZZLED WITHTHE PHRASE "NO, YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.")

SCREEN GRAPHIC: NO, YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US

TESSA (CON'T)Okay, they…

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)…don’t want you to sit with them. But it's because you're smarter than them. Way smarter. Andthey can't hang.

ALANAThat’s not the reason. It’s because they’re all contenders for Little Miss Chatswin. And I’m not.

TESSASays who?

ALANAHer.

MUSIC CUE IN

(ANGLE ON: ANOTHER ONE OF THE GIRLS WITH A T-SHIRT THAT READS, "YOU’RE NOTPAGEANT MATERIAL.")

SCREEN GRAPHIC: YOU’RE NOT PAGEANT MATERIAL

TESSA(vo) Those little bitches! It was Dalia and her crew all over again. And I wasn’t gonna let Alanasuffer the way I had.

FADE OUT

END TEASER

FADE OUT

END TEASER

BEGIN MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

FADE IN




Page 4


MAIN TITLE SINGER(vo) Last night I had a pleasant nightmareDa da da dum da da da da

MAIN TITLE GRAPHIC: SUBURGATORY

END MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

BEGIN ACT ONE

FADE IN

SCENE: INT. SHAY’S -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER

(GEORGE AND NOAH HAVE GATHERED TO MEET FRED WHO IS BURSTING WITHEXCITEMENT.)

FRED

Big, huge news, gents! Sheila is occupied the entire weekend with beauty pageant duties. (o.s.)That means you, Broseph, and you, Broses, (on) are going to accompany me, on a much- earnedand much-needed Mancation. Nutscratch twenty-fourteen!

GEORGEUh, yeah, man. I could-- I could use a little dude time.

FREDI don’t know about you two, but I am in dire need of reconnecting with that musky scent ofmanhood that I lost when Sheila became the breadwinner.

NOAHMancation! Let’s do it!

FRED(o.s.) I'm thinking: (on) go karts. Boom.

GEORGEI was kinda thinking Springsteen show followed by the dog track.

NOAHAnd I was kinda thinking that you two can have your little sleepover with your baby bikinis onwhile this guy goes and plays a man’s game…

MUSIC CUE IN

NOAH (CON'T)… "Chasing Bambi."

FREDI thought that was a suburban myth.

NOAHOh, no. It’s all too real, Brosephine Baker.




Page 5

GEORGEWhat is Chasing Bambi?

NOAHOh, it’s an illegal, eighteen plus, outdoor laser tag game where your prey is a naked adult ladywoman.

FRED(o.s.) It’s (on) "Call of Duty" meets Chuck E. Cheese meets big jiggly boobies.

MUSIC CUE OUT

GEORGE(o.s.) Okay, (on) you have a daughter, Fred. Get a hold of yourself!

(SHEILA ENTERS THE ROOM.)

SHEILAJust wanted to quickly remind you that Victor Ha needs to do twenty minutes in his ReadingRanger workbook every day so he doesn’t fall behind at school.

(SHE PLACES A WORKBOOK ON THE TABLE.)

FREDWhy are you telling me?

SHEILABecause you’re in charge of Victor this weekend.

FREDI’m in charge of Victor? But I’m going on Mancation! You said!

SHEILA

(o.s.) And what kind of a mancation would it be (on) without your little man-in- training?

(VICTOR ENTERS.)

VICTORWhere are we going, Dad? Is it Disney (o.s.) World? Wherever we go, (on) it’ll feel like DisneyWorld if I’m with you.

SHEILAAh, Victor, you are light and you are laughter. Let me make you a BLT.

(SHEILA TAKES VICTOR INTO THE KITCHEN, LEAVING THE STUNNED GUYS IN HERWAKE.)

NOAHWho is that guy?

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL -- HALLWAY -- LATER

MUSIC CUE IN




Page 6

SCREEN GRAPHIC: LITTLE MISS CHATSWIN AND SURROUNDING TOWNS REGISTRATION

(ANGLE ON: A BANNER THAT READS "LITTLE MISS CHATSWIN AND SURROUNDINGTOWNS REGISTRATION." WE FIND DALLAS AND SHEILA HELPING MAN THE SIGN-UPTABLE, A HANDFUL OF PAGEANT HOPEFULS AND THEIR MOTHERS BEFORE THEM.)

TESSASign-ups for Little Miss Chatswin. And for the first time ever, I had a horse in the race.

(TESSA LEADS A RELUCTANT ALANA TO THE TABLE.)

ALANAI don’t know, Tessa. I don’t feel very comfortable about this...

TESSAThat’s because those mean girls tried to make you feel like you don’t belong. But you do. Comeon.

(TESSA APPROACHES DALLAS AND SHEILA.)

DALLASTessa! What a nice surprise to see you here.

SHEILAIn other words, what are you doing here?

TESSA(o.s.) I am (on) here to register a unique and gifted friend of mine.

(SHE GESTURES TO ALANA, WHO AT THAT MOMENT HAPPENS TO HAVE HER FINGER INHER NOSE.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

ALANASorry. Had a rock hard one in there.

SHEILAYou know this is a pageant, right? In which we, the judges, will be ranking young ladies based ontheir poise, elegance and talent?

TESSAAnd this young lady has all of the above.

DALLASWell, of course she does, why wouldn’t she? We just need your name right there.

SHEILAAs well as three forms of identification-- Oh, and a current utility bill.

TESSA(o.s.) Three forms of-- (on) Are you kidding? That’s discrimination! She’s ten years old. Her onlyform of ID is (o.s.) a frozen yogurt club card.

SHEILA(o.s.) I’m afraid (on) those are the rules.




Page 7

TESSA(o.s.) Says who?

(AT THAT MOMENT, FROM A SEA OF BLONDE-HAIRED GIRLS INCLUDING NADIA, DALIATURNS AND FACES TESSA.)

MUSIC CUE IN

DALIA(o.s.) Says me.

TESSA(vo) I should have known. Whenever anything sounded too mean to be true, there was alwaysone person responsible.

DALIASo why don’t you guys just crawl back under the pile of books you crawled out from under? (toNadia) They love books.

ALANA

(o.s.) She’s right. (on) Let’s go.

(ALANA STARTS TO GO, BUT TESSA STOPS HER.)

TESSANo, no, we’re not going anywhere! Alana has just as much of a right to be here as any of you do,(o.s.) okay? And let me tell you something. Not only is she going to enter this pageant, but withmy (on) help, she is going to win it.

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)Finger out of your nose, I beg you!

MUSIC CUE IN

MUSIC CUE OUT

FADE OUT

END ACT ONE

BEGIN ACT TWO

FADE IN

MUSIC CUE IN

SCENE: EXT. CAMPSITE -- THE NEXT DAY

(FRED, NOAH AND GEORGE MISERABLY MAKE CAMP. VICTOR DIGS WITH A STICK INTHE BACKGROUND, AMUSING HIMSELF.)

FREDNow, I know camping wasn’t at the top of any of our lists...




Page 8

GEORGEYeah. It wasn’t even at the bottom of my list, Fred..

NOAHI get paid to babysit babies! (o.s.) All right? Seven-fifty an hour!

(ANGLE ON: VICTOR, HURT.)

FRED(o.s.) I’m sorry but (on) this was the only thing that I could come up with that was both manly andchild-friendly. (o.s.) Let’s just make the best of it, shall we? (on) Oh, now let's just see if my oldscout-leader survival skills-- Don’t (o.s.) come flooding back to me.

(GEORGE AND NOAH TRADE GLANCES AS FRED CROUCHES BY A PILE OF FIREWOOD.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

GEORGEYou were a scout leader?

FREDWell, they used to call me "The Fire maker." You wanna know why?

NOAHIt's pretty self-explanatory nickname, Fred, build the fire.

MUSIC CUE IN

(FRED TAKES OUT A HOMEMADE FIRE-STARTING IMPLEMENT: A BOW AND DRILL. HESTARTS WILDLY RUBBING, HOPING TO CAUSE A SPARK.)

GEORGE(o.s.) Wow, (on) Fred, look at you go.

NOAH(o.s.) That’s pretty impressive. You need a lot of stamina to--

(FRED COLLAPSES IN A PILE.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

FRED(overlapping) (o.s.) I can’t feel my arm! (on) I’m hyperventilating! I can’t breathe (o.s.) and mybody temperature’s dropping. We’re gonna (on) die.

SCREEN GRAPHIC: FLAME LOG

(GEORGE GRABS A DURA FLAME LOG FROM HIS DUFFLE AND DROPS IT DOWN IN THEFIRE PIT. HE STRIKES A MATCH AND THE LOG IGNITES.)

GEORGEAre you sure someone actually trusted you to lead a troop of scouts?

FREDWell, truth be told, I, uh-- I didn’t serve that long. They-- They kicked me out after three weeks for"seeming gay."




Page 9

MUSIC CUE IN

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ALTMAN’S -- TESSA’S BEDROOM -- LATER

(TESSA SITS WITH ALANA ON HER BED, THE PAGEANT BROCHURES AND INFORMATIONSPREAD OUT BEFORE THEM.)

TESSAOkay, we have a lot to do in a very short period of time.

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)…so I say we play to your strengths and focus on what really matters: your talent. Do you haveany special skills that we can showcase?

(ALANA SHAKES HER HEAD.)

ALANAI’m lactose tolerant. Only one in my family.

TESSAOkay, there's that-- There's that. We have something. But is there anything else you areespecially good at?

(ALANA SHRUGS.)

TESSA (CON'T)(o.s.) You know what, (on) let’s tackle the interview portion first and bone up on some currentevents. You like to read the newspaper?

(SHE GESTURES TO A PILE OF NEWSPAPERS ON THE BED.)

ALANANews comes on paper?

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSAYes. (vo) Alana didn't outwardly exhibit Little Miss Chatswin qualities, but that was what I likedabout her. She was the anti-Dalia, unlike...

(WE HEAR SELENA GOMEZ’S "LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG." IT BUILDS IN VOLUMEAND TEMPO. FROM ALANA WE...)

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ROYCE’S -- DALIA’S BEDROOM -- SAME TIME

(WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL DALIA OVERSEEING AS NADIA STANDS SPREAD-EAGLE INA BIKINI WHILE TWO WHITE LAB COAT-WEARING AESTHETICIANS AIR BRUSH HER WITHTANNING GUNS.)




Page 10

TESSA (CON'T)(vo) While they bronzed and bathed in chemicals...

DALIADon’t breathe, that stuff is really toxic.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE: INT. ALTMAN’S -- TESSA’S BEDROOM -- THE NEXT DAY

(TESSA SMILES FOR ALANA, WHO COPIES HER.)

TESSA(vo) ...we smiled wholesomely. (on) Perfect.

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ROYCE’S -- DALIA’S BEDROOM -- SAME TIME

(DALIA POUTS FOR NADIA, WHO COPIES HER.)

DALIAPerfect.

TESSA(vo) While they injected their faces...

(A BOTOX TECHNICIAN STANDING BY LEANS IN TO INJECT NADIA.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. ALTMAN’S -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER


TESSA (CON'T)(vo) …we projected our voices.

(TESSA AND ALANA SIT BY THE FIRE. TESSA PLAYS THE GUITAR AND SINGS,ENCOURAGING ALANA TO SING ALONG. AS ALANA OPENS HER MOUTH AND BEGINS TOSING...)

ALANA (singing)"You've saved my life again and I want you to know baby."

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. RECORDING STUDIO -- SAME TIME

(NADIA, IN THE RECORDING BOOTH, STANDS AT AN EXPENSIVE STUDIO MICROPHONEWITH WINDSCREEN. DALIA STANDS BEHIND THE GLASS AT A MIXING CONSOLE WITHSEVERAL PROFESSIONAL MUSIC PRODUCERS.)

MUSIC CUE OUT




Page 11

DALIA(on P.A.) 'Kay, that sucked. Let’s try it again with a lot more reverb and Auto-Tune and robotsounds and someone else’s voice coming out of your mouth.

CUT TO:

SCENE: EXT. CAMPSITE -- THAT NIGHT

MUSIC CUE IN

(FRED IS TOASTING TREATS IN THE FIRE AS GEORGE AND NOAH SIT GLUMLY.)

FREDOh, prepare for a melty taste explosion. These are just like s’mores, only better.

GEORGEHow better?

FREDInstead of chocolate, I used craisins.

MUSIC CUE OUT

NOAHCraisins aren’t melty! What’s the melty part?

FRED(continuing) I substituted wholesome pita for the graham cracker. And instead of marshmallow, Iused a nutritious soft-boiled egg.

GEORGEWhy? Why would you do that to s'mores?

FREDWell, uh, Sheila doesn’t like me having sweets, so-- (o.s.) But uh, look. Close your (on) eyes, andyou’ll-- You'll never know the difference.

MUSIC CUE IN

(FRED FORCES A BITE.)

FRED(o.s.) Hm. This is inedible.

NOAHI’m leaving.

FREDHm-- Come on, Noah!

MUSIC CUE OUT

FRED (CON'T)(o.s.) Trips like these are what childhood memories are made of.




Page 12

GEORGEWhere is the kid, anyway?

FREDYeah, he has been awfully quiet...

(FRED LOOKS AROUND AND THEN SHOOTS UPRIGHT, PANICKED.)

FRED (CON'T)Victor?

MUSIC CUE IN

FRED (CON'T)Victor! (then, realizing) Oh, my god-- I lost Victor. I’m a dead man.

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA(vo) Fred…

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM -- LATER

(THE COMMOTION IS ALL CLEARED OUT NOW AS THE PARTICIPANTS ARE OFFREADYING THEMSELVES FOR THE COMPETITION. DALLAS JOINS NINA AND SHEILA,WHO ARE AT THE JUDGE’S TABLE HUDDLED TOGETHER, GOSSIPING.)

TESSA (CON'T)(vo) … wasn't the only one who'd lost sight of something important.

MUSIC CUE IN

SHEILAHave you seen how much weight little Avery Sillstrop put on?

NINAOoh, not so little anymore, I’m afraid.

SHEILA(o.s.) My guess is that this year, (on) she’ll be juggling her chins instead of her pins!

(NINA LAUGHS, BUT DALLAS DOESN’T.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

SHEILA (CON'T)I said "chins" instead of "pins."

DALLASNo, I heard you. And it was terribly clever, what with the words that rhyme and all. It's just-- Is itme or have y’all gotten meaner than you used to be?

NINAIt’s you. We’ve always been mean.




Page 13

SHEILAEvery year. It’s our tradition.

DALLASRight. It’s just-- Do you have to be so judgey?

SHEILAWell, I am, in fact a judge.

NINAYep! She has to be!

MUSIC CUE IN

(SHEILA AND NINA GIGGLE AS WE--)

CUT TO:

SCENE: EXT. WOODED AREA -- LATER

(FRED AND GEORGE HACK THEIR WAY THROUGH THE BRUSH, FRANTIC.)

FREDVictor--

GEORGE(o.s.) (overlapping) Hey, buddy!

FREDVictor?

GEORGE(o.s.) Buddy? Can you hear us?

FREDVictor? Victor?

(NOAH FOLLOWS, VISIBLY LESS PERTURBED.)

NOAHWell…

GEORGEWhat?

FRED

I’m calling it.

MUSIC CUE OUT

GEORGEWhat is wrong with you?

NOAH(o.s.) I’m just saying that we (on) have pretty much looked everywhere.




Page 14

FRED(o.s.) Hey, we’re (on) not calling it! We’re never calling it! My son is missing in the woods!

NOAHCome on! He’s just a rental, right?

FREDHe is a foster child, not a rental!

GEORGEOkay.

FREDBut he is just as much my son as if he sprung from my loins--

GEORGE(o.s.) (overlapping) Okay, buddy.

MUSIC CUE IN

FREDWe will not stop looking, even if it kills us. Because if it doesn’t, Sheila will! (then, dizzy) Oh, God.I’m light-headed. I think it’s dehydration. It is. Dehydration has set in. Okay. I need water. Where’sthe water source? Where--

(FRED APPROACHES A FOUL-LOOKING TRICKLE OF WATER AND BENDS DOWN TODRINK FROM IT.)

FRED (CON'T)Oh, this foul trickle will have to (o.s.) suffice.

MUSIC CUE OUT

(FRED TAKES A BIG SIP FROM THE FILTHY WATER.)

GEORGE(incredulous) I’ve got a full Gatorade right here.

TESSA(vo) Meanwhile…

CUT TO:


TESSA

(vo) … the pageant girls were quenching their thirst from another questionable source.

(TESSA AND ALANA WALK DEEPER INTO THE PAGEANT HEADQUARTERS TOWARDSTHE CHECK-IN TABLE, TWO HUMBLE LITTLE FIGURES EACH WITH A SINGLE ROLLINGBAG. THEIR EYES GO WIDE AS THEY LOOK AROUND AND SEE THE MANIA AROUNDTHEM. WE PAN AROUND THE ROOM TO REVEAL: GIRL #1 SCREAMING IN PAIN AS HERMOTHER RIPS A WAX STRIP OFF HER EYEBROW. THE MOTHER STICKS A CANDY RINGPOP IN HER MOUTH AFTERWARD. ANOTHER PAGEANT MOM POURS MOUNTAIN DEWAND RED BULL INTO A SIPPY CUP AND HANDS IT TO GIRL #2, IN FALSE EYELASHES ANDA HUGE UP-DO, WHO SUCKS IT DOWN.)




Page 15

TESSAUm, (o.s.) what's that?

PAGEANT MOMIt's Go-go juice. (o.s.) What, you don’t know about that one? (on) Everybody does it. Gives 'emtheir pluck and sparkle. You need some?

TESSANo, no, we do not need some. Alana has plenty of natural pluck and sparkle.

PAGEANT MOMDoes she though?

MUSIC CUE IN

(TESSA TURNS TO SEE THAT ALANA IS LAYING ON HER BACK, SCRATCHING HERSTOMACH WITH ONE OF HER SHOES.)

TESSA(o.s.) C’mon, kid. (on) Get up. We’ve gotta practice your song!

ALANADo we have to?

TESSAYes, we have to.

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)Just trust me, after the work you and I did, everyone is going to be blown away...


NADIA(o.s.) (singing) "You are beautiful (on) like a dream come alive, incredible-- "

(TESSA LOOKS OVER TO SEE NADIA PRACTICING WITH SERGEI, A CHOREOGRAPHER.)

SERGEIAnd face, ha, and flick! Keep it going. Present.

NADIA(overlapping) "A centerfold, miracle, lyrical-- "

SERGEI

(overlapping) Pray. Face. (o.s.) Take the floor. Down.

NADIA(o.s.) "You save my life again-- "

ALANAOh, shniz. She's singing my song. What a coinkydink.

TESSAThat’s no coinkydink.




Page 16

(TESSA TAKES ALANA BY THE HAND AND MARCHES OVER TO DALIA, LIVID.)

TESSA (CON'T)Excuse me. (to Dalia) I can't believe you.

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)You spied on us?

MUSIC CUE IN

DALIAWhy would I spy on you? That would mean I would have to look at you up close. And you’re badenough from afar, far away.

(DALIA AND THE CHOREOGRAPHER HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.)

TESSAYou expect me to believe…

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA (CON'T)…that you just happened to pick the same song?

DALIAI know it might be hard for you to understand this because of how unpopular you are, but thatsong is super popular. (o.s.) Now, if you'll excuse us, Sergei's on the clock. (on) We were sopsyched to get Sergei since Gaga broke her hip.

(TESSA AND ALANA WATCH AS NADIA AND DALIA ARE JOINED BY SERGEI, WHO WALKSNADIA THROUGH SOME DANCE MOVES.)

SERGEITwo, three, and...

MUSIC CUE IN

NADIAI, I love you like a love song, baby--

TESSA(vo) Watching Dalia's protégé practice, I realized Alana didn't have a chance. For us to have ashot, I'd have to play dirty.

MUSIC CUE OUT

FADE OUT

END ACT TWO

BEGIN ACT THREE

FADE IN

SCENE: EXT. ANOTHER WOODED AREA -- THE NEXT MORNING




Page 17

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSA(vo) After a long, cold night of searching, Fred and George were no closer to finding Victor.

(GEORGE HELPS A WEAK, SICK FRED WALK THROUGH THE WOODS. THEY ARE BOTHDIRTY AND SHIVERING WITH COLD. FRED TURNS AND POINTS TO A TREE.)

FRED(weakly) Victor? Is that you?

GEORGEThat is a tree, Fred, you’re hallucinating. You really shouldn’t have drunk that water.

MUSIC CUE OUT

FREDOkay. Oh, God, excuse me. I have to go again--

GEORGE

(overlapping) Okay.

(HE JOGS BEHIND A BUSH TO RELIEVE HIMSELF.)

MUSIC CUE IN

(NOAH EMERGES FROM THE BUSHES LOOKING MUCH MORE REFRESHED THAN THEREST OF THEM, A SHAWL AROUND HIS SHOULDERS.)

GEORGE (CON'T)Where have you been?

NOAHI've been looking for Carlos. Hector. What's his name?

GEORGEIt’s Victor.

(FRED RUNS OUT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN.)

FRED(o.s.) Oh, thank god (on) you found him.

NOAHFred, no, we didn't find him. Pull up your pants.

(GEORGE LOOKS AT NOAH SKEPTICALLY.)

GEORGEWhere’d you get that shawl?

MUSIC CUE OUT

NOAHI had it with me. The whole time.




Page 18

GEORGEYou’re a liar.

MUSIC CUE IN

GEORGE (CON'T)You’re a lying liar with lo mein on your shawl!

(GEORGE LUNGES AT NOAH, WHO SIDESTEPS HIM.)

NOAHOkay, okay! I, I may have taken a short trip into town for little Panda, but guys, you shouldunderstand that when my blood sugar plummets I am no good to anybody.

GEORGEWe’re starving out here! Not even a cream cheese Rangoon? A freakin’ egg roll!

NOAHNo.

(HE GRABS NOAH BY HIS SHAWL.)

GEORGEI should choke you out with this thing.

NOAHNo, stop it!

(SUDDENLY AN ARROW ZIPS THROUGH THE AIR AND -- THWACK! -- HITS THE TREERIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS, STARTLING EVERYONE.)

VICTOR(o.s.) Gentlemen, no!

(THE MEN LOOK UP TO SEE VICTOR, IN A NEST, A MAKESHIFT BOW AND ARROW IN HISHANDS.)

FRED(o.s.) Victor, my (on) boy! You’re alive, you’re alive, and-- (o.s.) And I see you've fashioned a-- Amakeshift nest.

VICTOR(o.s.) It was nothing. Mother Nature (on) always provides, unlike my birth mother, who providedvery little.

(VICTOR CLIMBS DOWN A LITTLE ROPE LADDER, PLUCKS A LEAF FROM A NEARBY

PLANT AND HANDS IT TO FRED, WHO OBEDIENTLY EATS IT.)

VICTOR (CON'T)Here, Dad. Eat this.

GEORGEWell, buddy, you must have done a lot of camping in your native land.

MUSIC CUE OUT




Page 19

VICTORWe did sleep outside a lot. But we just called it hiding.

FREDVictor, that herb you gave me is really settling my stomach.

VICTORIt’s also good for increasing sexual stamina.

FREDWhat can’t you do, young man?

VICTORWell, I couldn’t make you guys be happy to be on this trip…

MUSIC CUE IN

VICTOR (CON'T)…with me. I don’t fit in at school, (o.s.) I don’t fit in with you and your friends. (on) I guess I don’tfit in anywhere. Maybe I should just stay in the wild.

FREDOh, Victor, come here.

MUSIC CUE OUT

NOAHIt's your choice, buddy.

(FRED COMFORTS VICTOR AS GEORGE AND NOAH SHARE A LOOK, ASHAMED...)

TESSA(vo) Victor had survived…

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM POWDER ROOM -- SAME TIME

(TESSA STEALTHILY ENTERS TO FIND DALLAS PRIMPING AT THE MIRROR.)

TESSA(vo) … in the woods; but to survive this pageant, I would have to be strategic. (on) Dallas! Howare you holding up?

MUSIC CUE OUT

DALLASI don’t know. Did you ever enjoy something and then suddenly, one day it just suddenly doesn’tsit right with you anymore? Like garlic. I used to take down whole cloves of the stuff, and now--

TESSA(overlapping0 It repeats on you.

DALLASAnd it’s just unpleasant.




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TESSA(o.s.) I hear you. (on) You know what’s not sitting right with me?

DALLAS(o.s.) Hm?

TESSAGo-go juice. Are you aware that these women are putting liquid speed into their kids’ sippy cups?

DALLASYeah, but it sure does give 'em a little pep in their step, doesn’t it?

TESSAI guess, but it could also give them little pint-sized heart attacks.

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSA (CON'T)I checked the pageant by-laws and performance enhancers are expressly forbidden. Now, maybethe reason the pageant isn’t sitting right with you is because of how corrupt it’s become when

you’re such a moral and otherwise ethical person.

DALLASYou know what? I am both those things you just stated.

(OFF DALLAS’ DETERMINED EXPRESSION, WE--)

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM POWDER ROOM -- SAME TIME

(DALLAS STANDS WITH BLUE SURGICAL GLOVES NEXT TO A TRASH CAN.)

TESSA(vo) I had convinced Dallas to ban performance enhancers from the competition.

MUSIC CUE OUT

DALLASHand it over, sweetie. We’re playing clean here.

(SHE GRABS A SIPPY CUP FROM An ELABORATELY MADE-UP PAGEANT GIRLWHOSE MOTHER SCOWLS AT HER, AND SHE DUMPS IT IN THE TRASH.)


TESSA(vo) With any luck, the playing field had been leveled.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM -- A LITTLE LATER

(THE LITTLE MISS CHATSWIN PAGEANT IS NOW IN FULL SWING. TESSA AND ALANA SITIN THE AUDIENCE NEAR A SMUG DALIA AND NINA NERGEN.)




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ANNOUNCER(o.s.) Put your hands together for last year’s runner up, Nadia Nergen!

(DALIA AND NINA APPLAUD. LIGHTS COME UP ON THE PAGEANT STAGE. ANGLE ON:TESSA AND ALANA IN THE AUDIENCE, AMAZED. AS THE CURTAIN OPENS, REVEALING ACRYSTAL-ENCRUSTED EGG. SHEILA LIFTS A LITTLE SET OF OPERA GLASSES. THE EGGOPENS, REVEALING NADIA CURLED UP INSIDE IT, SOUND ASLEEP AND SUCKING HERTHUMB. ANGLE ON: DALIA AND NINA, DISTRESSED.)

NINA(o.s.) Wake up…

MUSIC CUE OUT

NINA (CON'T)(o.s.) …and dance, sweetheart!

DALIAGet up there…

MUSIC CUE IN

DALIA (CON'T)…and poke her.

(NINA RUSHES TO NADIA AND GENTLY TRIES TO KICK HER AWAKE WITH THE EDGE OFHER TOE. NINA LOOKS AT DALIA.)

DALIA (CON'T)(o.s.) Poke her harder.

TESSA(vo) Turned out, that without go-go juice…

DALIAYour daughter is ruining my show.

TESSA(vo) …Little Miss Chatswin was kind of a snooze.

(WE PAN ACROSS THE AUDIENCE, WHERE THE REST OF THE PAGEANT GIRLS ARESNOOZING ON THEIR WORRIED MOM’S SHOULDERS...)

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- STAGE AND WINGS -- LATER

MUSIC CUE OUT

(ALANA STANDS IN THE WINGS IN HER SEINFELD BLAZER AS TESSA GIVES HER THEFINAL PEP TALK.)




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TESSA (CON'T)All right, Alana. This pageant is yours to lose. All you have to do is get through this new material.(handing her note cards) I wrote some stuff for you, okay? Just a couple of knock-knocks, and apretty cool "what’s the deal with popsicles" riff, and I thought you could hit 'em with thatimpression of your dog eating the peanut butter. (then) Don’t worry, you’re gonna have them institches although half of them are already in stitches thanks to all the plastic surgery they’ve had.

(ALANA CACKLES.)

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSA (CON'T)Seriously there’s more botulism in that audience than in a prison cafeteria. Oh, yeah-- And no bigwords because their collective IQ is in the double digits and I’m being kind.

ALANAThose are good ones! I’ll use those.

TESSANo, no, don’t use those.

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM -- CONTINUOUS

(ALANA RUSHES OUT ON STAGE TO A LIGHT SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE. ALANAPACES IN FRONT OF A FAKE BRICK WALL.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

ALANAWhat’s the deal with these pageants?

(ANGLE ON: TESSA, LOOKING CONCERNED THAT SHE’S OFF SCRIPT.)

ALANALook at Dallas (o.s.) Royce here. Is she smiling? (on) Or is her face pulled so tight that shedoesn’t have a choice?

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSAStick to the script, kid.

(ANGLE ON: DALLAS, MORTIFIED AS THE AUDIENCE TITTERS, EMBOLDENING ALANA.)

ALANA (CON'T)(o.s.) She’s got more (on) botulism in her face than a prison cafeteria!

(ANGLE ON: DALIA, HORRIFIED. BUT THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS, SO ALANA CONTINUESAND POINTS TO TESSA.)

ALANA (CON'T)(o.s.) This girl (on) knows what I’m talking about.




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TESSA(vo) I set out to protect Alana from bullies, but instead I had turned her into one.

(OFF TESSA’S MORTIFIED EXPRESSION, IT’S THE--)

MUSIC CUE OUT

FADE OUT

END ACT THREE

BEGIN ACT FOUR

FADE IN


MUSIC CUE IN

(ALANA POSES ONSTAGE FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS WITH HER CROWN AND FAN OF

PRIZE MONEY. SHE DANCES WILDLY, RUBBING THE MONEY ALL OVER HERSELF. SHELIFTS HER CROWN AND JEERS AT THE AUDIENCE.)

ALANALick my glitter dust, losers!

(TESSA APPROACHES A VISIBLY UPSET DALIA AND DALLAS.)

MUSIC CUE OUT

TESSA(o.s.) Guys, (on) honestly, that wasn’t supposed to be part of the act. She went rogue up there.

DALLASReally. Tessa? I’ll have you know: I may be a moral and ethical person, but I’m not an idiot. Youplayed me! (o.s.) And for the record-- (on) (indicates her face) God made this. (indicates herbreasts) May have had some help with these-- (indicates her ass) And that right there is just hardwork at the gym.

DALIAAnd a butt implant.

DALLASWhat?

(DALLAS AND DALIA HIGH-FIVE. DALIA FROWNS.)

MUSIC CUE IN

TESSA(vo) I had jeopardized my friendship with Dallas and stooped to Dalia's level.

DALIA(o.s.) You know, Tessa…

MUSIC CUE OUT




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DALIA (CON'T)…You may have tricked everyone else into thinking you were helping Alana to actually make adifference but I know you were just doing it to hurt me. (o.s.) And what hurts the most is, youruined my perfect track record. (on) So congratulations.

(DALIA MAKES A WEIRD FACE.)

DALLAS(o.s.) Ohmigosh! Dalia’s about to lay her first tear! Someone (on) grab me a Mason jar, quick!

(WE PUSH IN ON DALIA AS A SINGLE TEAR FORMS IN HER EYE. TESSA GESTURES SHEWILL LEAVE. SHE TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.)

CUT TO:

SCENE: EXT. SHAY’S - LATER

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. SHAY’S -- DINING ROOM -- LATER

MUSIC CUE OUT

(NOAH AND GEORGE PLAY CARDS WITH VICTOR AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE. FREDMILLS AROUND HAPPILY IN THE BACKGROUND BRINGING SNACKS AND DRINKS FROMTHE KITCHEN.)

GEORGE(to Victor) Do you have an eight?

VICTORGo fish.

GEORGEAh!

NOAHDammit! He’s too good! It’s like he knows the cards we need before we do and then intentionallydoesn’t have them!

VICTORUncle Noah, do you have a queen?

NOAHYou know I do. Bastard!

(NOAH HANDS VICTOR HIS TWO. VICTOR LAYS DOWN HIS CARDS HAPPILY.)

GEORGE(o.s.) That's it.(on) Victor, you are aptly named.

(FRED COMES IN WITH SOME SNACKS.)

VICTOR(laughs) What?




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TESSA(vo) Whether the goal is a mancation or a sparkly trophy…

CUT TO:

SCENE: INT. COUNTRY CLUB -- BALLROOM -- AT THAT MOMENT

TESSA (CON'T)(vo) …it’s not worth it if it means people get hurt along the way.

(TESSA TAKES THE STAGE AS THE BALLROOM IS CLEARING OUT.)

TESSA(o.s.) (grabbing the mic) Excuse me? (on) Everyone?

(THE EXITING PAGEANT GOERS TURN TO TAKE IN TESSA.)

TESSA (CON'T)Um, there’s still an award that hasn’t been given out.

(ANGLE ON: SHEILA WITH HER CLIPBOARD.)

SHEILA(o.s.) What’s she talking about? (on) "Cutest non-white"? We're not allowed to do that anymore.

(TESSA FROWNS.)

TESSA(o.s.) Ladies (on) and a few gay gentlemen, for everything they’ve contributed to the pageantingarts, please join me in presenting (on) the first annual "Tessa Altman is a big, fat jerk" awardto (on) the mother-and-daughter duo, Dallas and Dalia Royce!

(APPLAUSE.)

MUSIC CUE OUT


(TESSA RIPS TWO CROWNS OFF A PAIR OF CHATTING GIRLS AND IMPROVISES A"THERE SHE IS, MISS AMERICA"-TYPE SONG.)

TESSA (CON'T)(o.s.) (singing) Here they come (on) (humming) Tan and skinny-- Boob-- Hair and teeth-- Nah,nah, nah, blah-- They did it…

(TESSA STUFFS THE CROWNS ON DALLAS AND DALIA’S HEADS. DALLAS IS WIDE-EYED,

CLASPING HER HEART WITH DELIGHT. TESSA CONTINUES HER SONG AS WE GO OUTON--)

DALLASOh! Oh, my goodness. I don't know what to say. It's so unexpected. Dalia?

DALIAI’d like to thank my Lord and savior.

(THEY WAVE AND TAKE A BOW.)




Page 26

MUSIC CUE OUT

FADE OUT

END EPISODE

OPEN CREDITS

Created byEMILY KAPNEK

StarringJEREMY SISTOJANE LEVYANA GASTEYERCHRIS PARNELLCARLY CHAIKINALLIE GRANTandCHERYL HINES

Supervising ProducerANNIE WEISMAN

Co-executive ProducerANDREW GUEST

Co-Executive ProducerPATRICIA BREEN

Executive ProducerEMILY KAPNEK

Produced byJILL DANTON

Written byANNIE WEISMAN

Directed bySILVER TREE

END CREDITS

Co-ProducerTREY COSCIA

BRIAN CHAMBERLAYNE

Executive Story EditorBRIAN CHAMBERLAYNE

Director of PhotographyPATRICK ROUSSEAU

Production DesignerJOSEPH P. LUCKY




Page 27

EditorBRAD KATZ

Unit Production ManagerLEANNE MOORE

First Assistant DirectorJAY TOBIASCARA GIALLANZA

Second Assistant DirectorJONATHON MILLER

Special Guest StarALAN TUDYK

Guest StarringMELANIE HUTSELLBRYSON BARRETTOCAITLIN CARMICHAEL

EMILIY ALYN LINDHOLIE LEE MEYEREDIE MOTHERSBAUGH

Casting byTIM PAYNE&LISA YSTROM, C.S.A.

Casting AssociateANGELA SCALETTA

Music by

JARED FABER

Costume DesignerDANIELLE LAUNZEL

Property MasterROY "BUCKY" MOORE

Hair StylistSOLINA TABRIZI

Make-up ArtistPHYLLIS WILLIAMS

Location ManagerRALPH COLEMAN

Art DirectorWILLIAM DURRELL

Key GripTIMTOHY B. MERRILL




Page 28

GafferPEYTON SKELTON

Set DecoratorARCHIE D’AMICO

Costume SupervisorMICHELLE SANDVIG

LeadmanJOHN M. TILLOTSON

Craft ServiceDAMEON JOHNSON

Music SupervisorsKASEY TRUMAN

Production Sound MixerKEVIN COMPAYRE

Supervising Sound EditorJASON BREENNAN

Re-recording MixersJEFFREY PERKINSERIC JUSTEN

Based on the title "Suburgatory." byLINDA KEENAN

Music Editorial byMICDI PROD, INC.

Post Production Services byKEEP ME POSTED,A FOTOKEM COMPANY

Cameras byOTTO NEMENZ

Promotional Consideration Provided by:TOYOTA MOTOR SALES, U.S.A., INC.

The characters and events depicted in this motion picture are fictional. Any similarity to any actualperson, living or dead, or to any actual events, firms, and institutions or other entities, is

coincidental and unintentional.

This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries, and itsunauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition may result in civil liability and criminalprosecution.

IATSE seal

Production #4X5660




Page 29

Copyright © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. All Rights Reserved

Country of first publication United States of America.

Warner Bros. Television, a Division of WB Studio Enterprises Inc. is the author of this film/ motionpicture for the purpose of Article 15 (2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effectthereto.

www.warnerbros.com

CHARACTER LIST

CHARACTER LINES OF DIALOG ALANA 32ANNOUNCER 2DALIA 21DALLAS 57FRED 115

GEORGE 57NADIA 8NINA 15NOAH 51PAGEANT MOM 9SERGEI 9SHEILA 27TESSA 115VICTOR 20

suburgatory4x5660

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