Contents

TitlePageCopyrightIntroduction

1Possibilities2YourThoughtsandtheWayYouFeel3HealthyPsychologicalFunctioning4DismissingThoughts5Wisdom6ThoughtsGrowwithAttention7ThoughtSystems8ChoicePoints9TheThinkingHabit10Moods11LivinginthePresentMoment12LifeIsLikeaPendulum13MentalHealthandtheDynamicsofUnhappiness14GriefandLoss15IllnessandDeath16ManyProblems,OneSolution17UnhappinessIsYourCurriculum18TheArtofOptimism19HappinessandGratitude

FootnotesListofSearchableTermsAboutthePublisher

Introduction

Irespectfullyaskthatyoutrytoforgeteverythingyouhaveeverbeentoldaboutunhappiness,pessimismanddepression–wherethesefeelingscomefrom,howserioustheyare,andhowdifficulttheyaretoovercome.Trytoforgetaboutalltheattemptsyouhavemadethathavefailedandalltheapproachesthatpromisedresultsbutdidnotdeliver.EventhoughIamgoingtoexplainhowyoucanbegintofeelbettertoday,Idon’taskyoutobelievemewithblindfaith.Instead,Iaskthatyouuseyourowncommonsensewhenevaluatingwhatyouareabouttoread.BythetimeyoufinishthisbookIbelieveyouwillnotonlyfeelbetter,butalsounderstandexactlywhymostapproachesfailedyoubefore.

Thewaytogetthemostoutofthisbookistoapproachitwithanopenmind.Seewhetheritmakessensetoyouandifitsoundslikesomethingthatyoualreadyknowintuitively.SomeofwhatIproposewillbequitedifferentfromwhatyouhavebeenexposedtobefore.Don’tletthisbeanobstacletogettingthehelpyoudeserve.Keepinmindthatifwhatyouhavealreadylearnedwastheansweryouwerelookingfor,youwouldn’tbereadingthisbooktoday.Youwouldbeoutenjoyingyourlife.

Theinformationgivenhereisdifferentbecauseitrepresentsanewunderstandinginthefieldofmentalhealth.Itdoesn’tbuildonotherapproachesyoumayalreadybefamiliarwith.Ifyoucandigestand‘taketoheart’theinformationinthisbook,youwillfeelbetterrightaway.Thereisverylittleeffortinvolved;allyouhavetodoisunderstandwhatyoureadonanintuitivelevelandmakeagentleefforttoputyourunderstandingintopractice.Asyouwillsee,Idon’tofferanyfancytechniquesoranysophisticatedpsychologicaltheoriestosiftthrough.WhatIofferyouisasimpleyetprofoundcommonsense-basedunderstandingofmentalhealthandhappinessthatreallyworks,andthatcanbeimplementedimmediately.Ihaveseenpeoplewhohavebeenunhappyordepressedforasmanyas30yearswalkawayfrommyofficefeelingbetterthantheycaneverremember.Andwhat’smore,thegoodfeelingyouwilllearntotapintostickswithyou.

Iamastress-managementconsultantwhoteachespeoplesomeverysimplefactsabouttheirowninternalfunctioning–whatmakesthemtickandwhatmakesthemfallapart.TheprinciplesthatIteacharegeneric,meaningtheyapplytoeveryone.IreceivereferralsfromtherapistsaroundthecountrywhohaveseentheirclientsridthemselvesofdepressionasaresultofwhatIteach.Aspeoplelearnaboutthehabitualprocessesthatcontributetotheirownmisery,

Aspeoplelearnaboutthehabitualprocessesthatcontributetotheirownmisery,andthewaysthattheyusetheirownmindstosabotagetheirlives,theyquicklydiscoveranaturalandrelativelyeffortlesswaytoescapethegripsofunhappinessandlifelongpessimism.

MyapproachisbasedonasetofprinciplesknownasthePsychologyofMind.1Itisbeingusedbygrowingnumbersoftherapists,consultantsandeducators,withspectacularresults!Themethodsyouwilllearnhavebeenextrapolatedfromtheseprinciplesinawaythatisgearedtowardsfreeingyoufromunhappiness.

Manyprofessionalsnowteachingthisapproachhavecometobelievethatamajorityofthemore‘conventional’therapeuticapproachesavailabletodaytotreatunhappinesscanactuallymakemattersworseinsteadofbetter.Thisisnottosaythattherearen’texcellent,well-qualifiedtherapistspractisingtraditionaltherapy–theremostcertainlyare.Whatyoumaydiscover,however,isthatmanyofthepracticesthattherapistscurrentlyusetendtofuelanalreadydepressedstate.Clientsaredirectedto‘getintouch’withtheirmostnegativefeelingsandanalysetheirpastsinordertotranscendtheirpresentsituations.Theyareaskedtostudy,ifnotrelive,theirchildhoodaswellastheirmorerecentpastsothattheycanbetterunderstandthepsychologicaldamagethatwasinflictedonthem.

OneoftheconsistentproblemsIhaveseeninworkingwithclientswhohave‘givenup’ontraditionaltherapyisthateachtimeanewtraumaisuncovered,theclientisineffectstartingoveragain.Therearealwaysnewsessionsdesignedtogettothebottomofeachadditional‘issue’andtoexplorethenegativefeelingsthatgoalongwithrecountingthem.Eachspecificissueentailsmorenegativefeelingstoexplore.Manytherapistsinsistthatunlesspeopledealhead-onwiththeirnegativeexperiencesandunconsciousdrives,theywillbemiserableforever.Youmustkeepinmind,whendecidingwhethertraditionaltherapymakessensetoyou,thatthetherapistswhotellyouthisarealmostalwayspaidbythehour!

Indefenceoftherapists,Idon’tthinkI’veevermetonewhowouldintentionallykeepaclientlongerthantheyfeltwasabsolutelynecessary.Nevertheless,thereisacertainconflictofinteresttobeverycautiousof:ifyougetbetter,thetherapistlosesyouasaclient!Ifyouhavebeenintherapyforanextendedperiodoftimeandarestillunhappy,youmaywanttoreconsideryourtreatment.Ismoreofthesamereallygoingtohelp?Isgoingdeeperintoyourpainandsufferingreallygoingtohelpyouexperiencejoy?Isgettingintouch

withmorenegativityreallygoingtomakeyoufeellessnegative?Idoubtit.Historyshowsusthatthisrouteoftendoesn’twork.

Doesthismeanthattherapyisuseless?No.Iwouldsay,however,thatsuccessintherapydependsfarmoreonthementalhealthandhappinessofthetherapistthanitdoesonrelivingpasttraumasandpain.Askilledtherapistwhoisalsoahappy,vibrantpersonwillmostcertainlybeabletopassalongatleastsomeofherhappinessalmostregardlessofthespecificapproachsheuses.

OneofthemoststrikingobservationsthatmanypeoplemakewhenattendingaPsychologyofMindseminarorwhentheyhaveaprivatesessionwithaconsultant,isthatthepeoplewhoteachPsychologyofMindareveryhappypeoplethemselves.Ihavecometobelievethatunlessapersonishappyhimself,it’sverydifficult,ifnotimpossible,toteachsomeoneelsetobehappy.Howcananunhappyperson,whoiscaughtupinpersonalproblems,teachanalreadyunhappypersontofeeljoy?IfeelgratefultobeabletosaythatIam,indeed,ahappyperson,andIhopethefeelingIbringtolifewilltouchyouasyoureadthisbook.

WhoIsthisBookfor?CarlJungoncesaid,‘Thegreatestafflictionaffectingmankindisn’tseriousmentalillness–butthegeneraluneasinessandunhappinessthatissoprevalentinoursociety.’Jungbelieved,asIdo,thatmanypeopleexperiencelifeina‘lifeless’manner.Manyifnotmostpeoplehavelosttouchwiththemysteryandmagicthatsurroundsus.Thefirststeptowardslivingfullyissimplyfeelingbetter.

Thisbookwaswrittenforanyonewhowouldliketofeelbetterthantheypresentlydo–anyonewhofrequentlyexperiences‘theblues’,ongoingsadness,apessimisticoutlook,frequentunhappiness,internalmisery,alackofgratitudeaboutthegiftoflife–orsomeonewhosimplywishestofeelbetter.Itisanoutgrowthofanearlierbook,YouCanBeHappyNoMatterWhat(NewWorldLibrary,1992).IreceivedhundredsoflettersandphonecallsfromreaderswhoappreciatedtheprinciplesofhappinessthatIspokeabout,yetwantedtohearmorespecificallyabouthowtogetthemselvesoutofthe‘lowerstatesofmind’thatpessimisticpeoplefindthemselvesin.

Theapproachtohappinessoutlinedinthisbookcanhelpvirtuallyanyoneimprovetheirmentaloutlookandthequalityoftheirlife.Itshouldnot,however,beusedinlieuofprofessionaltreatmentifyousufferfromseriousdepression,

suicidalurgesorotherseriousmentalillness.Ifyouexperienceseriousdepression,pleaseseekprofessionalguidancebeforereadingthisbookandattemptingtoimplementthephilosophy.Yourdoctororcounsellormaywantyoutousetheideaspresentedhereinconjunctionwithyourtherapy.Icertainlyhopeso,butpleasecheckfirst.

ThisbookwaswrittentoaddressJung’sassessmentofthestateofhumankind,thegenerallevelofunhappinessthatsurroundsus.Iwillshowyouhowtoridyourselfofthenegativefeelingsthatcantakeoveryourlifeandreplacethemwiththefeelingsofgratitude,happinessandlove.

Iwillalsoshowyouhowtoaccessaplacewithinyourselfwhere‘feelinggood’alreadyexists,aswellashowtodetectthosementalprocessesthattakeyouawayfromthisplace.Ihavenevermetapersonwhodidn’tfeelbetterafterlearningthissimpleapproach.Onceyoulearnhowyoucreateunhappinessinyourlifewithyourownthinking–andonceyoulearnhowtostopthispattern–youwillcertainlybefarmorehesitanttocontinueorreturntoanydestructivepsychologicaltendenciesyoumayhave.

Approachtheideasherewithanopenmindandacuriousheart.Don’tdiscountanythingasbeingtoosimplisticuntilyouhavehadanhonestchancetopractisewhatyoulearnandassesshowyoufeel.Ifyoureadwithyourowncommonsenseasyourguide–rememberingthatyourgoalistobehappier–Ibelieveyouwillbepleasantlysurprisedathowgoodyoucanfeel.Itreallyistrue:youcanfeelgoodagain.

One/Possibilities

JimandYvonnehadbeenmarriedfor32mostlyunhappyyearswhentheydiscoveredthatJimhadacancerouslife-threateningtumour.Priortodiscoveringthisinformation,thecouplehadlivedtogetherinanalmostconstantstateofirritation.Therewasfrequentconflictandanger,ongoingdisputesanddisagreementonvirtuallyeveryissuesurroundingtheirlivestogether.Theirloveforeachotherhadbeen,inJim’swords,‘lostmanyyearsago’.

Acuriousthinghappenedthemomenttheyfoundoutaboutthetumour.BothJimandYvonneexperiencedasuddenshiftintheirconsciousness.Theangerthathadsuffocatedtheirloveforsomanyyearsdisappeared,theirdisagreementsfadedawayandnowseemedinsignificant,andtheirloveforoneanotherresurfaced,almostmagically,asthoughithadneverlefttobeginwith.

Whathappened?Thiscoupleexperiencedwhatiscommonlyreferredtoas‘achangeofheart’.Nooneknowsexactlyhoworwhenthiskindofsuddenshiftorchangewilloccur,butwedoknowthattheyexistandthattheyarepossible.

Asuddenshiftinconsciousnesscanoccurinanyareaofhumanlifethathastodowithhowwefeel,whetheritberelationships,feelinganxious,feelingdown,oranyotherimmobilizingemotion.Consideraneight-year-oldchildwhogoestobedeverynightfrightenedbythethoughtofanimaginedmonsterbehindthewardrobedoor.Suddenly,oneday,outofnowhere,sherealizesthatthemonsterisn’treal,thatitexistsonlyinherownmind.Interestingquestionsinclude:Whydidthechildhavethisrealizationonthisparticularday?Whatwasitthatmadeherrealizethemonsterwasn’treal?Theanswerstothesequestionsaresurprisinglyvague.Wedon’tknowforsure,excepttosaythatanewlevelofunderstandingsurfacedwithintheconsciousnessofthechild.

Anotherexampleofasuddenshiftisthepersonwhoswearsthatheisgoingtostopsmoking.Weekafterweek,yearafteryear,hepromiseshe’sgoingtodoit.You,asafriend,haveheardthesamestorymanytimes.Then,oneday,fornoapparentreason,yourfriendtellsyoutheverysamething,onlythistimeyouknowthathemeansit.Somethingisdifferent.Somethinghaschanged.Youcan’tquiteputyourfingeronit,butyouknowhewillneversmokeagain.Andindeed,heneverdoes.

Whiletheparticularsofeachsuddenshiftareunique,therearecommondenominatorsthatseemtoexistinallcases.First,the‘shift’itselfdoesn’tnecessarilybuildonwhatwealreadyknow,butinsteadisseensuddenly,asif

outofnowhere.Inotherwords,theamountofinformationwehaveonthesubjectisn’tthecriticalfactor.Forexample,Iwasworkingwithaclient,George,whohadspenthisentirelifefeelingprejudiceaboutpeopleofaspecificrace.Hehadasuddenshiftinhisperspectiveandrealized(inhiswords),‘WhatafoolIhavebeen.’Whatmadethisparticularexamplesointriguingtomewasthatthetwoofushadneverspokenabouthisprejudice.Ineverevenknewhehadthisproblem.Hisrealizationcameaboutashewasdiscussinghowhisownthinkingsometimesgotinthewayofhisrelationshipwithhiswife.Theshiftthatoccurredinhisconsciousnesswasachievedwithoutobtainingadditionalinformationabout‘theproblem’.Hehadintellectuallyknownforyearsthatallprejudicestemsfromignorance,yethestillfeltprejudice,untilthatmoment.Somethingshiftedwithinhimwhilehewasthinkingaboutsomethingelse.

Ihadasuddenshiftofmyownthatisequallydifficulttoexplain.Ihadspentmyentirelifefrightenedtodeathofpublicspeaking.Theverythoughtofspeakingtoagroupmademesweat,andintwoinstancesIactuallyfainted!Then,onedaywhileeatinglunchwithsomefriendsataconferenceIwasattending,Irealizedtherewasnothingtofear.Ican’texplainexactlywhyorhowIhadthisinsight,onlythatithappened.Tothisday,Iamverycomfortablespeakingtogroupsofanysizeanddosoquitefrequently.

Second,suddenshiftsareaccompaniedbyafeelingofinspiration,sometimesdescribedas‘alightfeeling’,or‘anicefeeling’.YvonneandJimeachdescribedtheirsuddenshiftasa‘feelingofincrediblerelief’,asthoughahugeemotionalburdenhadbeenlifted.Manyclientshavereportedtomesimilarfeelingsofbeing‘uplifted’insomepowerfulwayastheyexperiencedaninsightthatchangedthewaytheylookedatlife.Thisfeelingisoftendescribedasasenseofself-confidence.Later,Iwilldiscussthisinacontextofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.

Finally,suddenshiftsarepermanentinnature.Whenashiftoccurs,theredoesn’tseemtobeanyturningback,atleastnotalltheway.Forexample,it’shardformetoimaginebeingfrightenedbytheactofspeakingtoagroup.Ican,however,haveempathyforthosewhodo,becauseIrememberwhatitfeelslike.TheideaofYvonneandJimhatingeachother,astheydidforsolong,seemsridiculous.AndmyclientGeorgechucklesatthethoughtofdislikingsomeonebecauseofthecolourofhisskin.Thisisthenatureofinsight–ithappens,andfromthatmomentforwardlifelooksdifferent.

Aninterestingandimportantpointaboutsuddenshiftsisthis:thereisnorelationshipbetweenthe‘feelingbetter’aspectofsuddenshiftsandtheexternal

appearanceoflifegettingbetter.So,forexample,apersonwhoexperiencesasuddenshiftinthewayshefeelsaboutherfinancesdidn’tdosobecauseshehadjustinheritedalargeestateorwonthefootballpools.Sheexperiencedtheshiftbecauseshelookedatthesamesetoffactsinanewway.Whateveritwasthatshesaw,itaffectedherenoughthatmoneywillnolongerbeasourceofinnerconflictinherlife.

CertainlyYvonneandJimwerenobetteroff.Tothecontrary,Jimwasgivenaterminaldiagnosis.YetbothheandYvonnefeltmoreloveforeachotherthaneverbefore.

Likewise,thechildwhohadtherealizationabouttheimaginedmonsterinherwardrobewasn’tanybetteroff.Themonsterwasnevertheretobeginwith!Thisisthenatureofsuddenshifts.Theyoccurthroughashiftinunderstanding–notthroughachangeincircumstance.

Thisisabookaboutpossibilities.Beopentothepossibilitythatthisbookwillhelpyouhaveyourownsuddenshift.Ifyoudo,yourexperienceoflifewillchangebeforeyoureyes.Youwillfeelbetter,morejoyful,morerelaxed,andmoresecure.Absolutelynothingneedstochangeinyourlifeinorderforyoutofeelbetter.Yousimplyneedtoseesomethingaboutthenatureofyourownthinkingthatyoudidn’tseebefore.Yoursuddenshiftcanhappeninstantlyanditcanbeprofound.

CommitmentAsyouwillseethroughoutthisbook,happinessisamoment-to-momentchoicethateachofusmakes.Inordertobehappy,youmustfirstdecidetobehappy.Youmustmakeacommitmenttohappiness.

It’simportanttoknowthatcommitmenttolearningtheartofhappinessisnotexactlywhatitseemstobeatfirstglance.Mostpeoplemakethemistakeofconfusingcommitmenttohappinesswiththedecisiontomaketheirlifebetterinsomeway.Althoughthesetwoideasseemrelated,theyarenotnecessarilyso.Asyouhaveprobablynoticed,youcanchangeeverythinginyourlifewithoutaffectingyourlevelofhappinessonesinglebit.Youcanearnmoremoney,getyourselfoutoftrouble,meetnewfriends,getanewjob,solveaproblem,getadegree,getmarried,oracquiresomethingyouhavealwayswanted,yetstillfeelunsatisfied.Thereasonforthisisthathappinessexistsindependentlyofyourcircumstances;it’safeelingthatyoucanlearntolivein.

Thewaytogetthemostoutofthisbookistoapproachitwiththe

understandingthatit’spossibletolearntobehappywithoutchanginganythinginyourlife–exceptyourrelationshiptoyourownthinking.TheAmericanphilosopherEmersononcesaid,‘Theancestortoeveryactionisathought.’Everythinginyourlifeisafunctionofthewayyourelatetoyourthinking.Asyouthink,soshallyoube.

Commitmentisapowerfultoolforchange.Ittakespressureoffyoubyremovingtheuncertaintythatoftenaccompaniesalackofcommitment.Marriage,forexample,isacommitment.Whenacouplegetsmarriedthereisareasonablebeliefthat,regardlessofwhatmighthappen,thecommitmentwillcarrythecouplethrough.Priortomarriage,peopleoftenfeelinsecureaboutlosingtheirpartner.Thecommitmentrelievestheiranxietyandgivesthemthefreedomto‘letgo’oftheirconcerns;itfostershope.

Withoutcommitment,successinanyventureisdifficult.Whetheryouaredieting,studyingforanexam,learningtoplaytennis,startingaprojectordecidingtobehappy,commitmentisanimportantstep.

Whenyoumakeacommitmenttohappinessyouareineffectsaying:‘ThereissomuchinlifethatIcan’tcontrol–theworld,otherpeopleandtheirchoicesandreactions,accidents,imperfections,suffering,hardships.Yetthisismylifeandregardlessofwhathappens,I’mgoingtobehappy.’

Wheneveryouattachconditionstoyourhappinessyouwon’texperienceit.Thesamementalprocessthatattachesyourhappinesstoaspecificoutcomewillonlyrepeatthatpatternoncethatoutcomeisobtained.Apersonwhobelievesthat‘havingchildren’willmakeherhappywillthencreatenewconditionstobemetoncethechildrenarrive.Shemaythenbelievethatshewillbehappywhentheinfantstageisover,ortheterribletwo’s,orwhenshehasenoughmoneytomeethergrowingfamily’sneeds.Yourcommitmenttohappinessitselfallowsyoutoletgoofallyourpreconditions.Insteadofhavingconditions,yousaytoyourself:‘Nomatterhowdifficultitseems,I’mgoingtopractisethementalprocessesthatwillleadmetohappiness.’

Beinghappyisn’talwayseasy.Infact,itcanbeoneofthegreatchallengesinlife.Truematuritymeanstakingresponsibilityforourownhappiness–rightnow.Itmeanschoosingtoconcentrateonwhatwehaveinsteadofwhatwelack.

Commitmentisthefirststepinallowingyoutoregainthepositivefeelingsthatyouarelookingfor.Mostofusbelievethatbysolvingourproblems,orimprovingourrelationships,wewillfindcontentment,butthismeansthatourhappinessmustbepostponeduntilsomefuturedatewhenthoseconditionsaremet.Commitmentisasteptowardsbringingthatfuturetothepresent.

Happinessistheresultofadecisiontobehappy.Youmaybelievethatyouwillonedayarriveataplacecalledhappiness,thatonedayeverythingwillfallintoplaceandyouwillbeabletosay:‘Great,hereIam.I’vemadeittohappinessland.’Obviously,thisisn’tgoingtohappen.Regardlessofhowgoodyourlifegetsandhowmanyofyourdreamscometrue,youwillstillhavetomakethedecisiontobehappy.Youwillstillhavetomakethecommitment.Thereisnowaytohappiness.Happinessistheway!

Theinformationinthisbookwillactasanavigationaltoolthatwillguideyoutowardshappiness.Rememberthatyourgoalistobehappy.Makethecommitmentandusethetoolsinthisbooktotakeyouthere.Solet’sgetstarted!

Two/YourThoughtsandtheWayYouFeel

Weareallconstantlythinking–andit’sagoodthingthatwedo!Withouttheabilitytothink,ourliveswouldseemtohavelittlesignificance.It’simportanttorealizethatyouareconstantlythinking.Don’tbefooledintobelievingthatyouarealreadyawareofthisfact,becauseyouprobablyarenot.Think,foramoment,aboutyourbreathing.UntilthemomentIbroughtittoyourattention,youhadmostcertainlylostsightofthefactthatyouweredoingit.Breathingissonaturalandautomaticthatunlessyouareoutofbreathyousimplyforgetthatyou’redoingit.

Thinkingworksthesameway.Becauseyou’realwaysdoingit,it’seasytoforgetthatit’shappening,anditbecomesinvisibletoyou.Unlikebreathing,however,forgettingthatyouarethinking,evenforamoment,cancausesomeseriousproblemsinyourlife,includingunhappiness,evendepression.Thereasonisthatyourthinkingwillalwayscomebacktoyouasafeeling.Letmeexplain:thewayyoufeelrightnowistheresultofyourthoughtsatthisverymoment.Inabroadersense,thewayyoufeelisalwaysdeterminedbythethoughtsyouarethinking.Supposeyouhavethethoughtasyouarereadingthismaterial.‘Thisisfartoosimplistic–myproblemsarefarmoreseriousthanDrCarlsoncouldpossiblyimagine.’Theresultofthisthoughtwouldbethatyouwouldbefeelingscepticalandpessimisticrightnow.Thisisnotacoincidence.Beforeyouhadthesethoughts,youweren’tfeelingpessimistic.Yourthoughtscreatedyourscepticalfeeling,thewordsIhavewrittendidnot.Ifthewordsthemselvescreatedfeelings,theneveryonewhoreadthemwouldfeelthesameway,whichofcoursetheydon’t.Therelationshipbetweenyourthinkingandhowyouarefeelingisformedsofast(inatinyfractionofasecond)thatalmostnoonerealizesit’soccurring.Yetthiscause-and-effectrelationshipbetweenthoughtsandfeelingsisoneofthemostpowerfulphenomenayouwilleverexperienceasahumanbeing.

Nowsupposethatasyouwerereadingthemorningpaper,youcameacrossanarticleaboutalittlegirlwhowasrescuedfromaburningbuilding.Asyoureadthestoryyouhadthethought,‘Whatarelief.’Assoonasyouhadthisinspiringthoughtyoufeltanupliftingofyourspirits.Again,youremotionwascreatedbyyourthoughtsabouttheevent–nottheeventitself.Ifyouhadthoughtdifferently,youwouldhavefeltdifferently.Forexample,ifyouhadthethought,‘It’sabouttimetheyincludedahappystory.Thepapersarealways

filledwithbadnews,’youwouldn’thavefeltupliftedbutpessimistic.Thefeelingsthataccompanythethoughtsyouarehavinghappeninaninstant.Thispsychologicaldynamicistrueallthetime–therearenoexceptions.Wheneveryouhaveathought,andbelievethatthoughttobetrue,youwillfeelacorrespondingemotionalresponsetothatthought.Yourthoughtsalwayscreateyouremotions.Understandingthesignificanceofthisfactisthefirststepinescapingfromunhappinessanddepression.

Negativeandpessimisticthoughts,regardlessoftheirspecificcontent,aretherootcauseofallofyournegativeandself-defeatingemotions.Infact,it’sneurologicallyimpossibleforyoutofeelanythingwithoutfirsthavingathought–yousimplywouldn’thaveareferencepoint.Tryfeelingguiltywithoutfirstthinkingguiltythoughts.Tryfeelingangrywithoutthinkingaboutsomethingthatmakesyouangry.Youcan’tdoit.Inordertoexperienceanevent,youmustprocessthateventinyourmindtherebyinterpretingitandgivingitmeaningandsignificance.Thisunderstandinghasenormousimplications.Itsuggeststhatifyoufeelunhappy,it’snotyourlife,yourcircumstances,yourgenes,oryourtruenaturethatiscreatingyourunhappiness–it’syourthinking.Unhappinessdoesn’t,andcan’t,existonitsown.Unhappinessisthefeelingthataccompaniesyournegativethinkingaboutyourlife.Intheabsenceofthatthinking,theunhappinesscan’texist.Thereisnothingtoholdyournegativefeelingsinplaceotherthanyourthinking.

Iamnotsayingthatthereareneverphysiologicalcomponentsthatcompoundanunhappyordepressedstate,orthatmakeapersonpredisposedtounhappinessordepression.Iamsaying,however,thatwithoutthoughtthereisnofueltothrowonthefire,thereisnothingtofosterthepredispositionorphysiologicalcomponentsintoareality.

It’sinterestingtonotethattherehavealwaysbeenpeoplewhowouldseemtohaveeveryreasontobedepressed–circumstancesthatdepresssomeofusjusthearingaboutthem:helplesspoverty,unbelievablehardships,crueltreatmentbyothers.Butsomepeoplesimplydon’texperienceunhappinessregardlessofhowserioustheircircumstancesappeartobe.Theymakethebestoutofthesituationtheyarein.Thereareotherpeoplewhoapparentlyhaveeveryreasontofeelhappinessandcontentment,peoplewhoareoftentormentedbydepression.Ratherthanappreciatingwhattheyhave,theyfocusonwhattheywouldratherhave.

ThinkingTurnsEventsintoProblemsLet’ssupposethattwoofyourfriendsaregettingdivorced.Youhadalwaysassumedthatifanyonecouldmakeit,thiscouplecould.OnWednesday,thecouplestarteddivorceproceedings,andaweeklateryourfriendcalledyoutotellyouthenews.‘Ohno,’yousayandinstantlybegintofeelbad.Interesting,isn’tit?Theeventhasalreadytakenplace,it’slongover.Butnow,asyouthinkabouttheevent,youstarttofeelbad.Clearlytheeventitselfdidn’tmakeyoufeelbad.Ithappenedsevendaysagoandyoudidn’tevenknowaboutit.Yourthoughtsabouttheeventaretheguiltyparty,responsibleforthewayyoufeel.Theeventwascertainly‘real’butitmeantnothingtoyou–itwasneutral–untilyouwereabletobringittolifethroughyourthinking.Interestinglyenough,hadyourthinkinginterpretedthedivorcedifferently,youwouldhavefeltdifferently.Youmayjustaseasilyhavethoughttoyourself,‘Ohwell,Isupposeonlytheycanknowwhatisbestforthem.’Thisthoughtmayhaveleftyouwithafeelingofcompassionandunderstanding.

Thinkofamoremundaneexample–snow.Forsomepeoplesnowmeanssnowballs,sledges,skiing,andsnowmen.Forthesepeople,snowiscauseforgreatcelebration!Forothers,however,snowmeansdeadbatteries,aslushymess,coldweather,andsoon.Inshort,thesnowiscauseforalotofcomplaining.Takenote,however,thatthesnowitselfdoesn’tcarehowyouthinkaboutit.Thesnowisneutral.Itjustexistsandgoesonbeingsnow.Itdoesn’tcausethepositiveorthenegativereactionsandfeelingsyoumayhave.Onlyyourthinkingcandothatforyou.Ihopethisillustrateshowyouuseyourthinkingtocreateemotionalresponseswhichgiveyouanexperienceoflife.Yourthinking,nottheeventsthemselves,causeyouremotionalresponses.

YourThoughtsAren’tRealIfyoucouldunderstandthatyourthoughtsaren’trealyoucouldstopreadingrightnow,becauseyouwouldfeelatremendoussenseofreliefandyouwouldhaverealizedhowtocreatehappinessinyourlife–forever.Andeventhoughitisgoingtotakesomeexplanationonmypart,thestatementistrue.Thinkaboutit:yourthoughtsaren’treal.Theyarerealthoughts,butthey’renotthesamethingasconcrete‘reality’.

Whenyouthink,youareusingyourimaginationtocreateanimageorpictureinyourmindofaneventratherthantherealthing.Ifyouaredrivinghomefromafootballmatch,reviewingthegameinyourmind,youaremerely

imaginingwhatthegamewaslike.Thegameisnolongerreal,it’snowonlyinyourmind,inyourmemory.Itwasrealonce,butnotanylonger.Similarly,ifyouarethinkingabouthowbadyourmarriageis,youareconsideringitinyourmind.It’sallinyourimagination.Youareliterally‘makingup’yourrelationship.Thethoughtsyouarehavingaboutyourrelationshiparejustthoughts.Thisiswhytheoldsaying,‘Thingsaren’tasbadastheyseem’isalmostalwaystrue.Thereasonthings‘seemsobad’isbecauseyourmindisabletorecreatepastevents,andpreviewupcomingevents,almostasthoughtheywerehappeningrightinfrontofyou,atthatmoment–eventhoughthey’renot.Tomakemattersworse,yourmindcanaddadditionaldramatoanyevent,therebymakingthateventseemevenworsethanitreallyis,orwas,orwillbe.Evenmoreimportant,yourmindcanreviewtheimaginedeventdozensoftimesinamatterofseconds!Thisisveryimportanttounderstand,becausewhileanactualeventsuchasanargumentwithafriendcanlastaminuteortwo,yourmindcanrecreatethatveryevent,magnifyit,andmakeitlastthreehours–oranentirelifetime.Butthatargumentisnomorerealnowthananargumentyouhadwithyourfathertenyearsago.Thepointisthatnow,whenyourlifeisreallyhappening,thatrememberedargumentisjustathought,aneventbeingcreatedwithinyourownmind.

Ifyoucanbegintoseethatyourthoughtsarenottherealthing–they’rejustthoughts,andasthoughtstheycan’thurtyou–yourentirelifewillbegintochangetoday.Ihavewitnessedmanytimesthisverysamerealizationtransformsomeonefromalifeoffearanddepressionintoalifeofhappiness.

Whatwouldyousaytoanine-year-oldchildwhowasconvincedthatanastywitchwasbehindherdoor?Wouldyouhavehercometoyourhomeweeklytodescribethewitchtoyouingreatdetail?Wouldyouhaveherthinkaboutitconstantly?No,youwouldprobablytellherthatthewitchwasn’treal,thatitwasonlyanimaginedwitch.Withyourhelp,eventuallythechildwillunderstandthatthewitchwasonlyrealinhermind.Oncethishappens,shewillnolongerbefrightened.

Takingthissameunderstandingonestepfurther,whatwouldyousaytothesamechildifshesaidtoyou,‘Mylifeisafailure,noonelikesme,Ineverhaveanyfun,Idon‘twanttolive’?Wouldn’tyoualsotrytoteachherthatthethoughtsshewashavingaboutherselfwerejustthoughts?Ihopeso.Thereisnothingholdingthoseideasinplaceotherthanherownthinking,herowninternaldialogue.Ifthenine-year-oldwereabletoseewhatyouweretryingtoteachher,ifshewereabletoestablishadifferenttypeofrelationshipwithherthinking,wouldn’tshebebetteroffthanifshebelievedthatherthoughtswere

thinking,wouldn’tshebebetteroffthanifshebelievedthatherthoughtswerereal?Shecertainlywouldbe.Wouldn’titbeniceifshecouldrelatetoallofherthoughtsinthesameway?

UnderstandingthatYouAretheThinkerYouarethethinkerofyourownthoughts.Soundsobviousenough,butreadonandIbelieveyouwilldiscoverthat,untilnow,youmayhavelostsightofthisimportantfact.

Thinkingissomethingthatyouaredoing,momentbymoment,tocreateyourexperienceoflife.Butbecauseyourownthinkingissoclosetoyou,it’seasytoforgetthatyouaretheoneusingyourownthoughtsagainstyourself.Hereisanexample.Agentlemancameintomystress-managementofficeandsaid,‘I’mmadatmyboss.Idon’tlikemyjob.Idon’tlikethepeoplethatworkwithme.Nooneappreciatesmywork.I’mreallyangry.’WhenIbeganteachinghimabouthowhisownthinkingcreateshisangryfeelingshesaid,‘Withallduerespect,DrCarlson,I’mangryalmostallthetime,butIalmostneverthinkangrythoughts.’Doyouseewherehewasbeingfooled?Untilthatmoment,hebelievedthat‘thinking’meantthesamethingas‘pondering’.Eventhoughhemaynothavedwelledonhismiseryforhoursatatime,hewasneverthelesscontinuallythinkingnegatively,amomenthereandamomentthere.Hespentnearlyallofhistimethinkingaboutthelittlethingsthatirritatedandannoyedhim.Itwasalmostasiftheunstatedgoalofhislifewastoanalyseitandtogivehisopinionsonhowvariousthingsaffectedhim.Hisnegativethoughtswerecreatinghisnegativefeelingsandemotionsandhedidn’tevenknowhewasthinkingthem.Hewasavictimofhisownthinking.

Becausemyclientdidn’tevenrealizethathewasthinking,hehadnowayofknowingthathisfeelingswerecomingfromhisthinking.Hethoughthisfeelingscamefromhisjobandfromthepeopleheworkedwith.Untilwespoke,myclienthadneverrealizedthathewasthethinkerofhisownthoughts–andthatthosethoughtswerethesourceofhisunhappiness.Hebelievedthathisthoughtswerebeinggeneratedbywhatwasgoingonaroundhim,ratherthanfromwithinhim.Hedidn’trealizeatadeepenoughlevelthatheistheauthor,theproducer,andthecreatorofhisownthinking,thathisthinkingissomethingheisdoingalldaylong,andthathisdoingitisthecauseofmostofhisemotionalsuffering.OnceherealizedthishehadaveryinspiringinsightthatIhavesinceusedoverandoveragainwithclients:Beingupsetbyyourownthoughtsissimilartowritingyourselfanastyletter–andthenbeingoffendedby

thatletter!Thisinsightcamefromamanwhohadspentmostofhislifedepressed.

Youarethemanufacturerofyourownthoughts.Youaretheonedoingthethinkingthatisupsettingyou;youaredoingittoyourself.Onceyouunderstandthisimportantpoint,it’ssillytogoonbeingangered,annoyed,frightened,ordepressedbyyourownthinking.Ifyouarethinkingnegative,pessimistic,sceptical,orangrythoughtsandnotrealizingit,it’sunderstandableandpredictablethatyouwillbedepressed.Andthiswillhappeneachtimeyoulosesightofthefactthatyouarethinkingdepressingthoughts.

Thereisonlyonewayoutofthisnegativeloop,andthatistounderstandthatyouaretheonedoingthethinkingandthatitisyourownthinkingthatiscreatingyourpain.Onceyoustarttoseethatyourthoughtsarejustthoughts,thattheyarenot‘reality’,youwillbeabletodismissthemandnotallowthemtodepressyou.Anythoughtorseriesofthoughtscanbedismissed,buttodosoeffectivelyyoumustfirstrealizethatyouaretheonecreatingthem.Allofuswillaccumulatethousandsofthoughtsaboutourselvesthroughoutourlifetimes.Veryfewofus,however,rememberthefactthatthesethoughts,regardlessoftheircontent,arejustthoughts.

JustLikeaDreamOneoftheeasiestwaystounderstandtheharmlessnatureofyourownthinking,andtocreatesomedistancebetweenyourselfandyourthinking,istocomparethinkingwithdreaming.Almosteveryonehashadtheunfortunateexperienceofanightmare.Whileit’shappeningitseemsveryreal,butwhenyouwakeup,yourealizethatitwasjustadream.Andwhatisdreamingbutthinkingwhileyouareasleep.That’sit!Whileyouareasleepyouarestillproducingthoughts.Likedaytimethoughts,thesenight-timethoughtsalsocreateanemotionalresponse,andtheycanalsobefrightening.Justafewnightsago,oneofmychildrenwokeupinthemiddleofthenightfromabaddream.Itseemedsorealtoherthatshewasactuallysweatingfromtheexperience.Onceshewokeup,however,shefeltverydifferent.Eventhoughsheisonlythreeyearsold,sherealizedthatherdreamwasn’treal,thatitwasjustherthinking.

Yourwakefulthinkingcanbelookedatwiththesameperspectiveandclarity.Itseemsreal,butit’sstilljustthought.Andeachtimeyouforgetthatit’sjustthought,itwillseemeverybitasrealasanightmare.Youcanfrightenordepressyourselfwithyourownthinkinginamatterofsecondsifyoudon’trealizethatyouaredoingit.Youcanbesittinginyourliving-roomrelaxingand

realizethatyouaredoingit.Youcanbesittinginyourliving-roomrelaxingandreadingabookwhenathoughtcrossesyourmind:‘I’vebeendepressedforsolong,’or‘Mymarriageisnogood.’Canyouseehowseductiveandtrickyitcanbe?IfyouunderstandthoughtinthewaythatIhavebeendiscussing,youcandismissthosethoughtsandotherslikethem–youcanletthemgo.Or,ifyouchoose,youcanfollowthethoughts,remainingawareofwhatyouaredoingtoyourself.Aslongasyouknowthatyouareincharge,thatyouaretheonedoingthethinking,youareprotected.Again,it’snodifferentthandreaming.

Apersonnotsufferingfromdepressionwillhavethoughtsjustlikeyours,butwithonemajordifference.Whenhehasthem,hewillsaytohimself,‘HereIgoagain,’orsomethingtothateffect.Soonerorlater,he’llrememberthatheisthethought-producingmachine–thatheisdoingittohimself.Assoonashehasthisrealization,hismindwillslowdownandbegintoclearandhewillsighwithrelief.Hewillbegintofeelbetterandwillgoonwithhisday.

Anunhappyordepressedperson,ontheotherhand,notseeingherthoughtswithproperperspective,mayfollowthetrainofthought,believeittobereal,andsubmitherselftoongoingpain.Evenifshedoesn’tfollowthisparticulartrainofthought,shewilleventuallyfollowsomenegativethoughtpatternwhichwilllowerherspirits.Withouttheunderstandingofhowherthinkingiscreatinghernegativeexperience,thereislittleshecandotopreventhernegativethoughtsfromspirallingdownwardtowardsdepression.Afterall,shebelievesthatherthoughtsarereal.

Thesolutionistoseeyourownthoughtsasthoughts,notasreality.Createsomedistancefromthem.Justlikeyourdreams,yourthoughtsarecomingfromwithinyourownconsciousness.Yourthoughtsarenotreal,andtheycan’tharmyou,justasyournightmaresareharmless.Asyoucreatesomedistanceandperspectivefromyourthinkingyouwillbefreedfromtheireffects.

Certainly,everyonehashisshareofnegativeandself-defeatingthoughts.Thequestiontoaskyourselfis,‘HowseriouslydoIreallyhavetotakethem?’Yourthoughtshavenopowerotherthanwhatyougivethem.

MorethanPositiveThinkingEventhoughpositivethinkingisobviouslypreferredtonegativethinking,positivethinkingaloneisn’tenoughtopullyououtofadepressedstateforverylong.‘Positivethinkers’arejustasmuchatthemercyoftheirownthoughtsasnegativethinkers–thatis,iftheybelievethatthinkingissomethingthatishappeningtothemratherthansomethingthattheyaredoing.Thisisasubtlebutkeypoint.

keypoint.Positivethoughtsarestilljustthoughts.Granted,theyarenicerthoughtsto

have–buttheyarestilljustthoughts.Ifyoubelievethatyouhavetothinkpositivelyallthetime,what’sgoingtohappenwhenanegativethoughtentersyourmind?

Younolongerneedtofeelyouhavetomakeyourselfthinkpositively–youdon’t.Ifyou’vespenttimebeingdepressed(andifyou’rereadingthisbookyouprobablyhave),you’veheardhundredsofwell-meaningsuggestionsfromallsortsofpeopleto‘thinkmorepositively’.Unfortunately,whatmostpeoplewhohaveneverbeendepresseddon’trealizeisthatwhenyou’redepressedyoucannomorethinkpositivelythangetinaspaceshipandflytothemoon!Thinkingmorepositivelywillhappennaturally,withouteffort,asyoupullyourselfoutofyourdepression.Thinkingmorepositivelyisanaturalextensionofknowingthatyourthoughtscan’thurtyou.

Theideahereistohaveadifferentkindofrelationshiptoyourthinking–onethatallowsyoutohavethoughtsofanykindwithouttakinganyofthemtooseriously.Youcangettothepointinyourlifewhereyoucanhaveanegativethought(oraseriesofnegativethoughts)andyousimplysaytoyourself,‘There’sanotherone.’Itwillnolongerbe‘frontpagenews’inyourmind!Asthishappensyouwillbeabletoresisttheurgeoffollowingeverynegativetrainofthoughtthatentersyourmind.

Ifyoucouldsomehowclimbintothemindofagenuinelyhappyperson,youwouldnoticethatsheisn’tnecessarilythinkingpositivethoughts.Instead,sheisn’tthinkingaboutmuchatall,otherthanwhatsheisdoing.Happypeopleunderstand,eitherinstinctuallyorbecausetheyhavebeentaught,thatthenameofthegameistoenjoyliferatherthantothinkaboutit.Happypeoplearesoimmersedintheprocessoflife,absorbedinwhattheyaredoingatthemoment,thattheyrarelystoptoanalysehowtheyaredoing.Ifyouwanttoverifythisconceptfirst-hand,spendsometimewatchingaroomfulofpreschoolchildren.Thereasonthey’rehavingsuchagoodtimeisbecausealloftheirenergyisdirectedtowardsenjoyment.Theyareimmersedinwhatevertheyhappentobedoing;theyaren’tkeepingscore.

Pleasedon’tmakethemistakeofthinking,‘It’sdifferentwithchildrenbecausetheyaren’tgrownupwithrealproblems.’Toachild,problemsareeverybitasrealasyoursaretoyou.Childrendealwithverydifficult,age-related,problems:parentswhofightorwhoareseparated,adultswhotellthemwhattodo,peoplewhotakeawaytheirthings,andtheneedtobeincludedandloved,tonamejustafew.Thedifferencebetweenadultsandchildrenandtheirlevelofhappinessisn’ttiedtohowrealtheirproblemsare,buttohowmuch

levelofhappinessisn’ttiedtohowrealtheirproblemsare,buttohowmuchattentionisplacedonthoseproblems.

Ifyouareconstantlyanalysingor‘keepingscore’ofyourlife,youwillalwaysbeabletofindfaultinwhateveryouaredoing.Afterall,whocouldn’timprove?Manypeopleevenpridethemselvesontheirabilitytobeonthelook-outfor‘what’swrong’.Butifyoufollowthoughtslike‘Lifewouldbebetterif…’youwillonceagainbeatthemercyofyourownthinking.Onethoughtwillleadtoanother,andthenanother,andsoon.It’sjustamatterofhowmuchnegativityyoucanhandle.Soonerorlateryou’llbedowninthedumps.Truehappinessoccurswhenyouquietdownyouranalyticalmind,whenyougiveitarest.

Onceyourealizethatyourthinkingiswhatcreatesyourexperienceoflife,includingyourdepression,analysingyourlifewillloseitsappeal.You’llprefersimplytodothebestthatyoupossiblycaninanygivenmomentandpayattentiontoenjoyingwhatyouaredoing,knowingthatyoucanalwaysdobetter.

I’mnotsuggestingthatyoushouldn’timproveyourlife.Yourlifewillinevitablyimproveasyoupaymoreattentiontolivingandlesstohowyouaredoing.

ThoughtsFloatingDownaRiverHaveyoueversatnexttoariverandwatchedleavesfloatingpeacefullyby?It’saverytherapeuticthingtodo.Eachleafisindependentoftheothersbutisstillconnectedbytheriver.Youcanwatchanyleafuntilitdisappearsoutofsight.It’saveryimpersonalprocess.WhatImeanby‘impersonal’isthattheleavesjustkeeponfloating.Theydon’tcareifyoulikethemorwhetheryou’drathertheyfloateddifferently.

Yourthoughtscanbelookedatinmuchthesameway.Yourconsciousnessproducesanongoingseriesofthoughts,onerightaftertheother.Whenyoufocusonanyparticularthought,itispresentandvisible.Onceyourattentiongoeselsewhere,thethoughtdisappearsfromyourmind.Yourthoughtscomeandgo.Youhavesurprisinglylittlecontroloverthecontentofyourownthinkingunlessyouareactivelytryingtocontrolit.Onceyouunderstandthatyouarethethinkerofyourownthoughts,andthatyourminddoesn‘tproduce‘reality’,itproduces‘thoughts’,youwon’tbeasaffectedbywhatyouthink.You’llseeyourthinkingassomethingthatyouaredoing–anabilityyouhavethatbringsyourexperienceoflife–ratherthanasthesourceofreality.Doyouremembertheoldsaying‘Sticksandstonesmaybreakmybonesbutwordscanneverhurtme’?Thoughtscouldbesubstitutedforwords.Yourthoughtscan’thurtordepressyouonceyouunderstandthattheyarejustthoughts.

Whenyoustarttoviewyourownthinkinginthismoreimpersonalway(inotherwords,lookingatyourthinkinginsteadofbeingcaughtinit),youwillfindyourselfbecomingfreeofdepression.Yourthinkinggoesonandon,anditwillcontinuetodosoforaslongasyoulive.Butwhenyoustepbackfromyourthinkingandsimplyobservethatyouaredoingit,yourmindbecomesfree,andyouopenthedoortoexperience.

AttentionandYourThinkingIfyourthinkingdetermineshowyouaregoingtofeel,thenit’sveryimportanttounderstandexactlywhathappenswhenyoufocusyourattentiononyournegativethinking.

Useyourowncommonsensetoanswerthefollowingquestion.Ifnegativefeelingsarecausedbynegativethinking,thenwhatpossiblegoodcanitdotooveranalysethenegativepartsofyourlife?Ifyouspendagreatdealoftimerehearsingpotentialproblems,dwellingonwhat’swrong,andthinkingandtalkingaboutproblems,onlytwothingsarecertaintohappen.First,youwillbecomeanexpertinyourproblems!Notanexpertatsolvingyourproblems,butanexpertindescribingthem.Therapistswillloveyou!Second,youwillbedepressed–oratleastyourspiritswillbelow.Thisistruebecausethereisafundamentallawatworkhere:thoughtsgrowwithattention!Themoreattentionyougivetowhatyouarethinking,thebiggerthatthoughtbecomesinyourmindandthemoreimportantthatthoughtwillseem.IfIaskyoutothinkofwhatisbotheringyou,youcanprobablyprovidemewithananswer.IfIexploreyouranswerwithyouandaskyoutodescribeitfurther,andspeculateastowhatelsemightgowrong,Idrawyoudeeperintoyourpain.Themorespecificanddetailedyouget,thebiggertheproblemwillbecome.

Nowholdonamoment.Afewsecondsagoyouwerefineandyouweren’teventhinkingabouttheproblem.Now,withmyhelp,youaredescribingapainfuleventasifitwerereallyhappening!Butit’snothappening–exceptinyourmind.I’mthefirstpersontoadmitthatitisimportanttoacknowledgearealproblem.Butacknowledgementandcommitmenttosolvingaproblemtakesamomentortwo,atmost.Acknowledgementisverydifferentfromdwellingonandrehearsing,ordoingendlesspost-mortemsonsituationsorevents.

Remember,thewayyoufeelisdeterminedbyyourthoughts.Soguesswhat:themoreattentionyouputonanythingthatisnegative,theworseyouwillfeel.Again,Iaskthatyouuseyourownwisdomandcommonsensetodecidewhetherornottobelieveme.Despitethepopularideathattalkingaboutandworkingthroughnegativeemotionsisagoodidea,I’msuggestingthatcommonsensedictatesotherwise.Afterall,peoplehavebeenworkingthroughendlessnegativeemotionsforyearsnow–andveryfewaremuchbetteroffthanwhentheystartedandmanyareworseoff.Thequestionstoaskyourself(andyourtherapistifyouhaveone)are:whendoesit(theanalysis)stop?WhenhaveIhadenough?WhendoIgettofeelbetter?

Ifyoubelievethatyourthoughtsarereal–andyouareencouragedtowork

throughtheworstofthem–youwillendupwithevenmoretocontendwith.Themoreyouthink,thebiggerandmoreimportantthethoughtswillseemandthemoreofthemtherewillbetodealwith.Becauseyourfeelingsaredeterminedbywhatyouthink,youwill,bynecessity,sinkevenlower.And,unfortunately,becauseyouarelower,youwillthinkevenworsethoughts,whichyounowhaveto‘workthrough’.Thisendlessnegativespiralnevertakesyouupwardstowardstheplaceyouwanttobe.Thespiralwillendwhenyoudecidethat‘enoughisenough’,whenyou‘startover’withacleanslate,withaclearmind,andwhenyourealizethattheonlythingholdingyourdepressioninplaceisyourownthinking.Youmuststopfocusingonyourdepression.

HumilityAsyoulearnthisapproach,andasyoubegintopulloutofdepression,trytobeeasyonyourself.Ittakesagreatdealofhumilitytoadmitthatyourownthinkingisthecauseofyoursuffering.Everythingyouhavelearnedpriortonowmayhavesuggestedotherwise.Beforeyourealizethatyourthinkingiscausingyourdepression,it’seasytoblameotherpeopleandthecircumstancesofyourlifeforyourmisery.Thereasonforthisisclear.Whenyoufeelbad,youwillhavethetendencytocomeupwithatheoryastowhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Withoutknowingtheactualcause,itmakessensetocreateareason.Aslongasyoucancreatereasonsforyourdepression–yourmaritalstatus,yourjob,yourchildren,yourgenes,yourfinancialsituation,yourfuture,andsoforth–youcanmaintainthefalsehopethatthingswillgetbetterwhen…Butyoucanprobablyseethat,inactuality,thisisnottrue.Themindsetthatsays,‘Lifewillbebetterwhen…’willcreatefurtherconditionsthatmustbemetassoonastheinitialconditionsaresatisfied.Youneedonlytolookatthecountlesstimesinyourlifethatyoureceivedwhatyouwanted–andhappinessstilleludedyou–torealizethatchangingyourcircumstancesisn’ttheanswertoyourproblems.Ifitwere,you’dalreadybehappy!Youwantedtograduate,yougraduated.Youwantedamate,yougotone.Youwantedapet,yougotone.Youwantedapay-cheque,yougotone.Andsoon.Tensofthousandsoftimesinyourlifeyougotexactlywhatyouwantedandyetyou’restillunhappy!

Thesolutionistohavethehumilitytoadmitthatallalongyouhavebeencreatingyourownpainthroughyourownthinking.Don’tworry;almosteveryoneelseisdoingthesamething.Thegoodnewsisthatassoonasyouseethatthisistrue,you’llbeonyourwaytoafarbetterlife.Nomatterhowdepressedyouhavebeen,orhowlongyouhavebeendepressed,themomentyoucanseethatit’sonlyyourthinkingthatisholdingyourdepressioninplace,you’reonyourwaytofreedom.

YouCannotThinkYourWayoutofDepressionInmanyrespects,ifyouwanttoescapefromdepression,it’sjustasimportanttoknowwhatnottodoasitistoknowwhattodo.IfyouhavefollowedwhatyouhavereadthusfaryouwillhavenodifficultyunderstandingthestatementYoucannotthinkyourwayoutofdepression.Youcouldthinkandthinkforahundredyearsandyouwouldneverescapefromthegripsofdepression.Thereason:whenyourspiritsarelowyouwillgeneratenegativethoughts.Allyou

willseeisnegativity.Youalreadyknowthatyourthoughtsdeterminehowyoufeel;thus,whenyouthinkinadepressedstateofmindyouwillonlymakemattersworse.ThefamousAmericanfootballcoach,VinceLombardi,oncesaid,‘Justbecauseyou‘redoingsomethingwrong,doingitmoreintenselyisn’tgoingtohelp.’Noideaappliesbetterwhenyouaredepressed.It’syourthinkingthatloweredyourspiritstobeginwith;doingmoreofthesamewillonlymakemattersworse.

FuellingtheFireWhenyouaredepressed,thesingleworstthingyoucandotoyourselfistocontinuethinking–especiallyifyouareattemptingtouseyourthinkingtopullyourselfoutofyourdepression.Todosoisonly‘fuellingthefire’.Perhapsyoubelieve,asmanypeopledo,thatyoucan’tstopthinkingwhenyou’redowninthedumps.Andalthoughitcanbedifficultto‘stopthinking’,thereisanenormousdifferencebetweendoingsomethingwhilebelievingit’snaturalandnecessary–anddoingthatverysamethingknowingthatitisthecauseofyoursuffering.Onceyourealizethatwhatyouhavebeendoinghasbeenhurtingyou,youwillfindawaytostopdoingit!Theonlyreasonyouhavetriedtothinkyourwayoutofdepressioninthepastisbecauseyouknewofnootheroptions.Butyouwouldn’tputsaltinyourwoundonceyouknewitwasgoingtostinglikecrazy.Thinkingwhileyouaredepressedissimilartopouringabucketfulofsaltoveradeepcut!Asyoubegintounderstandthedynamicbetweenyourthinkingandthewayyoufeel,youwillbeabletoeaseoffyourthinking,inmuchthesamewaythatyoucaneaseoffyourcar’sacceleratorwhenyouarestuckinthemud.Beforeyouunderstandthattryinghardertogetoutofthemuddoesn’twork,youaretemptedtoputyourfootdownontothefloor.Afteryouunderstandtherelationshipbetweentheweightofyourfootandsinkingdeeperintothemud,however,youeaseoffalittlebit.Ifyou’veeverbeenstuckinthemudinyourcar,youknowhowtemptingitistotrytoforceyourwayout,evenwhenyouknowthatacceleratingmakesmattersworse;butbecauseyoudoknowbetter,youareabletoresisttheurge.Resisttheurgetothinkyourwayoutofyourdepressionandyouwillfindyourselfoutofitquickerthanyouexpected.

Three/HealthyPsychologicalFunctioning

Atthecoreorcentreofyourbeingissomethingyouwerebornwith,your‘healthypsychologicalfunctioning’.Healthyfunctioningisnotlearned,it’sinherent,it’syourbirthright,andit’salwayspresentwhenyouarenotengagedinyourthinkingmindoryour‘personality’.Yourhealthyfunctioningisinnate,it’syourmostnaturalstateofmind.It’snotwhoyouthinkyouare(yourego),it’syourhigherself,whoyoureallyareandwhoyoucanbe.Yourhealthyfunctioningiswhereyourwisdomlies,itisyourpeaceofmind,yourcommonsense,yoursatisfactioninlife,andyourfeelingofwholeness.

Iwillrefertoyourhealthyfunctioningindifferentways,withwordslikewisdomandcommonsense.Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoucallit,thewordsareinterchangeable.Yourhealthyfunctioningisthepartofyouthatseesbeyondunhappiness;it’syoursourceofemotionalbuoyancy,thepartofyouwheretrueandlastinghappinessexists,andthepartofyouthatisn’tdisturbedwhenthecircumstancesinyourlifearelessthanperfect.

It’simportanttoknowthatyouwerebornwithhealthyfunctioning,andthatitwasn’tsomethingyouhadtolearn.Thetruthis,youhadtolearnhowtohave‘unhealthyfunctioning’,youhadtolearntobeunhappy.Nooneisbornscepticalornegative.Self-doubt,self-criticism,negativityandpessimismaretheresultofnegativethoughtsthatyouhavelearnedtotakeseriously.Yourself-imageandpersonalityareacompilationofthoughtsthatyouhaveaboutyourself,someofwhichmaybenegative.Ifyouhadneverlearnedtotakeseriouslynegativethoughtsaboutyourself,youwouldn’texperiencethefeelingsthatgoalongwiththemtoday.Youarethesolecreatorofallyournegativethoughts.Yourthoughtshavenopowertoharmyouotherthanthepoweryougivethem.

Unfortunately,ifyouarenottaughtthatthethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourselfarejustthoughts,youwillstarttobelievethattheydescribethewayyoureallyare.Themoreyoubelieveyourownthinking,themoreobscuredyourhealthyfunctioningbecomes.Poorself-esteemishealthyfunctioningthathasbeenobscuredwithself-doubtingthoughtsyouhavelearnedtotakeseriously.Considerthis:ayoungchildwouldn’tthinkofaskinghimself,‘AmIgoodenough?’Hewouldhavetolearntoaskhimselfsuchquestions.Priortolearningthesetypesofself-doubtingthoughts,achild’sself-imageisquitehealthyandintact.Ifyoucanlearntoacceptnegativethoughtsaboutyourself,thenyoucan

alsolearntodisregardandtakelessseriouslythenegativethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmind.Andasyoudo,yourhealthyfunctioningwillreturnveryquickly.Asthethoughtsaredismissed,amoreelevatedfeelingwillreturn.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisaninvisiblebutknowableforcewithinyou.It’snotsomethingthatyoucantouchorprove,butthenneitherisadream.Yetyouknowthatdreamsexist!Thefirststepsintappingintoyourhealthyfunctioningaretotrustthatitdoesindeedexist,andthensimplyhavethedesiretoaccessit.Remember,thereareplentyofmiraculousaspectsoflifethatareinvisible–thoughts,dreams,creativity,intuition,commonsense,andwisdom.

Thereasonthathealthyfunctioningmaybesoforeigntoyouisthatwhenyouareexperiencingit,youusuallydon’tevenknowit.It’ssuchasimple,uncomplicatedfeelingthatyoudon’ttakenotice.It’snotafeelinglikeexcitementthatyoucaneasilydescribe.Infact,healthyfunctioningiseasiertodescribeinitsabsence.

HealthypsychologicalfunctioningisthefeelingyouhavewheneverythingseemsOK,whenlifeseemssimpleandyouhaveasenseofperspective.It’sthefeelingyougetwhenyouareabletobetouchedbythesimplethingsinlife–watchingachildplaying,theleavesfallingfromatree,orthemotionofadooropening.Whenyouareengagedinhealthyfunctioningyouareabletomaintainasenseofinternalequilibriumirrespectiveofwhathappenstobegoingonaroundyou.Healthyfunctioningexistsindependentlyoftheexternalpartsofyourlife.It’safeelingwithinyouthatyoucanlearntoaccess.

Onceyouunderstandthathealthyfunctioningisapartofyou,youwillopenthedoortonoticingitspresenceinyourlife.Healthyfunctioningwillbecomeyournormalmodeofemotionalfunctioningwhenyouacceptthefactofitsexistence.Thinkbacktothelasttimeyouwokeupon‘therightsideofthebed’andyoufeltasenseofgratitudeaboutyourlife–thelasttimeyousaidtoyourself,‘Lifeseemsmagical.’Eveneternalpessimistshavemomentswhenthemagicoflifeinspiresthem.Trytorecallthelasttimesomethinghappenedinyourlifethatyouwishhadn’thappened,yetyoumaintainedasenseofperspective,youkeptyourcool.Whyisitthatsometimesyouareabletomaintainyoursenseofperspectivewhileatothertimesyoufeelasifyouaregoingtoloseyourmind?Theansweristhatsometimesyouaretappedintoyourhealthyfunctioningandsometimesyouaren’t.It’sinterestingtonotethatifyouhaveeverfeltthefeelingIamdescribinghere–yourhealthyfunctioning–thenyoualreadyknowthatitexists.Itdoesn’thavetodisappearintonothingnessandthenreappearbypurechanceeveryonceinawhile.Likeintuition,healthy

functioningisaninvisibleforcewithinyouthatyoucancallupon.It’safeelingthatyoucanlearntolivewith.Youjusthavetoknowthatit’sthereforyouandtowantittoappear–anditwill.

AccessingandAligningwithStrengthWouldn’titbeniceifyoucouldlearntoliveinthestateofmentalhealththatI’vebeendescribing?Thefirststepindoingsoistoopenyourmindtothepossibility.IhaveseenithappentosomanypeoplethatIbelieveitcanhappenforyou.Knowthatifyouhaveeverfeltpeacefulduringacrisis,ifyouhaveeverkeptyourcoolwhenothersweren’tabletodoso,thenthepossibilityexistsforthistooccuronaregularbasis.Thisbookisabouthelpingyoutoalignyourselfwithyourhealthyfunctioning,yourinnerfeelingofpeaceandstrength.Inordertoovercomeunhappinessandbecomeahappier,morejoyfulperson,youmustfindsomethinginyourlifethatismorepowerfulandimportantthanyourunhappiness.Healthyfunctioningismorepowerfulandbeautifulthananysourceofmisery.Onceyoubegintorecognizehealthyfunctioninginyourlife,itwillbecomethemostimportantfactor.Discoveringyourhealthyfunctioningisallyouneedtoliveagenuinelyhappy,productivelife.Ifaproblemcan’tbesolvedwhileyouaretappedintoyourhealthyfunctioning,thenitsimplycan’tbesolved.

Twosimplefactscansummarizemuchofwhatyouneedtoknowaboutpeople.Weareallverydifferent–andweareallverysimilar!Whenourpersonalitiesorthoughtsystemsareturnedon,wearebutoneofliterallybillionsofseparatepeoplewithourownindividualstories,ideas,complaints,anddramas.Inthisdomain,thereisseparateness,friction,stress,strife,andlotsofunhappiness.Everyoneisactivelythinkingand,unfortunately,believingmostofwhattheyarethinking.Thereisagreatdealofconfusioninthisdomainbecauseeveryonethinksthattheirwayisthe‘right’way.Butwhenourmindsarequiet,whenwearesimply‘being’,andarealignedwithourhealthyfunctioning,weareall,inaveryimportantsense,thesame,atleastinthewaysthatreallymatter.Wearepeacefulandfilledwithpeacefulfeelings.Weareunderstandingofourdifferences,loving,andkindtoourselvesandtoothers.Weseethebiggerpicture,theinnocenceinourdifferences,andwecanaccessthebeautyoflife.

AsIjustsaid,youcannotgetridofsomethingaspowerfulasunhappinessunlessyouhavesomethingevenmorepowerfultoreplaceitwith–yourhealthyfunctioning.Thispartofyouissomuchmorepowerfulthananythingyoucouldever‘thinkof’.Yourhealthyfunctioningisaplaceinsideyourselfwhereyoucanrestinyourbeinginsteadofbeingactiveinyourpersonality.Itisaplaceofmeditation–butyoudon’thavetomeditatetogetthere.Youonlyneedtoknowthatitexists–andprefertobethere–togetthere.Yourhealthyfunctioningallowsyoutoliveyourlifefrommomenttomoment,alwaysdoingthebestthatyoucan.Itallowsyoutorememberthatthemostimportantaspectoflifeis

youcan.Itallowsyoutorememberthatthemostimportantaspectoflifeisenjoyingitandfeelingpeaceful.Whenyoufeelthisway,youaretrulyatyourbest,andeverythingtendstoworkitselfout–andifitdoesn’t,youknowthatitalsowouldhaveifyouweren’tengagedinhealthyfunctioning.

Onceyourealizethathealthyfunctioningissomethingthatresideswithinyou,andiseverybitasrealasanyotherpartofyourlife,youcanbegintocallonitasaresourcewhenyouneedit.Youmust,however,treatyourhealthyfunctioningassomethingthatdoesexist;itmustbemorethananideatoyou.Itmustbesomethingyoutrust,likeintuition.

YourThoughtSystemversusHealthyFunctioningYourthoughtsystemisconcernedonlywiththedetailsofyourlife,howyoucomparewithothers,yourworldlypursuits,yourintellect,youregogratification,andyourendlesssupplyofwantsandneeds.Youcan’tsatisfyyourthoughtsystem.Itsjobistothink,compare,contrastandanalyse.Itisconcernedwithwhathappensinyourlife.Thesetofguidelineswithinwhichitoperatesistotallyinconsistentwithenjoyment.Whenyoualignyourselfexclusivelywithyourthoughtsystem,assomanypeopledo,youaredoomedtoalifeoffrustrationandunhappiness.

Youcan’tthinkyourwaytohappiness,norcanyoudoanythingtomakeyourselfhappy.Happinessisastateofmind,notasetofcircumstances.It’sapeacefulfeelingyoucanlearntolivewith,notsomethingyouhavetosearchfor.Youcanneverfindhappinessbysearchingbecausethemomentyoutry,youimplythatitisfoundoutsideyourself.Itisn’t.Happinessisthefeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioning.Whenyouaccepttheideathathealthyfunctioningisasignificantpartofyourself,youcanstoptryingtobehappyandsimplylearntobehappy.

Ifyoudon’tlearntotrustinandaccessyourhealthyfunctioning,it’simpossibletolearntobehappy,becauseratherthanlearningtolookforafeelingwithinyourself,youwillcontinuetopayattentiontothenegativethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmind.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotconcernedwithwhathappensinyourlife.Ithasamoreexpansivevision.Itisconcernedwithhowyourelatetowhathappensinyourlife.Obviouslythereisatremendousdifferencebetweenthesetwomodes.Yourthoughtsystemcomesupwithwhat‘itthinks’wouldmakeithappy.Yourhealthyfunctioning,ontheotherhand,iswhatmakeshappinesspossible.Ifallyouhadwasyourthoughtsystem,youwouldneverbehappy.

Youwouldbeabletothinkofplentyofthingsthatmightmakeyouhappy,butyoucouldneveractuallyfeelhappy.Yourthinkingmindwouldkeepcomingupwithconditionsthatwouldsupposedlymakeyouhappy,butwhentheconditionsweremet,yourthoughtsystemwouldbegintoprocessalloveragain–comingupwithnewconditionsthatmustbemet.Yourthoughtsystemwillcomeupwithideaslike,‘I’llbehappywhenmyfinancialcircumstancesgetbetter.’Ifyouwonthelottery,however,yourthoughtsystemwouldstartalloveragain:‘Iwishthejackpothadbeenbigger,’or‘Ohno,whatifIlosethemoney?’or‘Whatiftheyrunoutofmoneyandcan’tpayme?’Suchthoughtswouldagainstarttofillyourhead.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisthatpartofyouthatallowsyoutofeelhappywhetherornotyourfinancialcircumstancesarewhatyouwouldlikethemtobe.It’saplacewithinyouthatalwaysfeelscontent.Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotinterestedinwhathappens,it’sonlyinterestedinhowyoufeelandhowyourelatetowhathappens.Allevents,thegoodandbad,comeandgo.Itisonlyyourmemory,yourthinking,thatkeepsanyeventaliveandrelevant.Thekeytounlockingyourinnerhappinessistorealizethatyouarethecreatorofthosethoughts.Yourhealthyfunctioningisthepartofyouthatknowsthatthetruepowerinlifeisinthethinker–you–andnotinthethoughtsthemselves.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotjustatheoryorapassiveentitytobereadaboutandthenforgotten.It’saveryreal,positiveandlivingforcewithinyouthatyoucanlearntoaccess.AndasIhavestated,youhavealreadyaccesseditmanytimesinthepast,atthosemomentswheneverythingfeltjustright.Thekeytoeliminatingunhappinessandreplacingitwithjoyfulnessistolearntorecognizehealthyfunctioningwhenitispresentinyourlife,andtohelpitgrowanddevelop.

Yourmentalhealthcanneverbecompletelylost,itcanonlybecoveredupbynegative,habitualandinsecurethoughtsthatyouhavelearnedtotaketooseriously.Themoreseriouslyyoutakeyourownthoughts,themoredistantyourhealthyfunctioningseemstobe.Becomingawarethatyouhavenotjustapersonalityandthoughtsaboutyourlife,butalsothisotherpartofyourself,this‘healthyfunctioning’,isamajorweaponagainstunhappiness.Whenyouknowdeepinyourheart(eveninthemidstofadepressedstate)thatbeneathyournegativityliesapeacefulandlight-heartedfeelingthatiseverpresent,youwillregainthehopeandconfidencethatanicer,non-depressed,feelingisjustaroundthecorner–whichitis.Theonlyfactorholdingyourunhappinessinplaceisyourownthinking.Allyouneedtodoisrelaxandopenyourmindtothepossibilitythatthereismoretolifethanwhatyouthinkabout,andanew

possibilitythatthereismoretolifethanwhatyouthinkabout,andanewrichnessandsenseofpeacewillbegintounfoldforyou.Beginbyappreciatingthesimple,powerfulfeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioning.

Ifyouareaparent,trytothinkbacktothemomentyourfirstchildwasborn.Rememberthebliss,thejoyinthewayyoufelt.Ifyouaren’taparent,rememberaninstancewhenyouwerecompletely‘present’,atimewhenyourmindwasnowhereelsebutrightwhereyouwere,atimewheneverythingseemed‘justright’.Itmayhavebeenatimeinthebeautyofnature,inaforestorbythesea.Perhapsitwasatimewhenyoufellinlove.Everyone,nomatterwhotheyare,orhowdepressedtheyhavebeen,hashadatleastsomemomentsofhealthyfunctioningintheirlife.Noonehadtoteachyouhowtofeelyourownmentalhealth.Itjusthappens,allbyitself,whenyouslowdownyourthinkingandturnoffyourthinkingmind.Yourhealthyfunctioningexistsinthenow.Itoccurswhenyoutakeyourfocusofattentionoffyourconcernsandproblems,andinsteadallowyourmindtofeelatrest.

Asyoubegintorealizethatyourhealthyfunctioningcomesfromyouandnotfromexternalsources,nomatterhowbeautifultheymaybe,youcanbegintappingintothisbeautifulplacewheneveryouwish.Becomingconsciousofyourhealthyfunctioningcanbelearned.Youcanlearntotapintoitaseasilywhileyouarewithyourchildrenoratworkasyoucanwhileyouaresittinginfrontofafireorwalkinginaforest.Allittakesisunderstanding,intention,patience,andpractice.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotonlyaplaceyoucantapintoonrareoccasionsorwhenyouaresittingquietlybyyourself,it’saplaceinwhichyoucanlive.Askyourselfdaily,evenhourly,‘Whereisthatplaceinme?Iknowit’stherebecauseI’vefeltitbefore.’Yoursearchfor,andrecognitionof,yourhealthyfunctioningmustbeasignificantandintegralpartofyourlife.

Yourworldlypursuits,yourdreams,andyouraspirationsarenotjeopardizedwhenyoulearntotapintoyourhealthyfunctioning.Onthecontrary,youwillbegintoseethebiggerpicture,you’llseewhattrulymotivatesyouandwhatyoureallywantinyourlife.Youwillalsoseewhatactivitiesandpursuitswouldbebetterleftalone.Thisabilitytoleavethingsalonewillalsobetruewithregardtoyourthinking.Onceyouseewhereaparticulartrainofthoughtisleadingyou,andyoudon’tlikewhereyou’reheaded,you’llbeabletochangecourse.You’llspendlesstimedoingthingsmechanically,andmoretimedoingthingsfortheloveofit.Insteadofbelieving‘Anythingworthdoingisworthdoingwell:you’llstarttoseethat‘Anythingworthdoingisworthdoingbecauseyouenjoyit.’You’llhaveauthenticinnerpower,agreaterabilitytosay‘no’whenit’s

appropriate,andthewisdomtoknowwhatyoureallywant.Accessingyourhealthyfunctioningallowsyoutoseeinformationinnewandcreativeways,andallowsyoutomakerational,productivedecisionsinatimelymanner.Itallowsyoutoenjoy,ratherthanstrugglewith,theebbsandflowsoflife.Itencouragesyourwisdomandcommonsensetosurface.

Yourhealthyfunctioningcanbepointedtoanditcanbefelt.Youcanseetheeffectsofitsenergy.Youcanseeactsoflovingkindness,compassion,andcaring.Youcanseepeoplewhousedtobeangryanddepressedwhoarenowpeaceful,loving,andhappy.Youcanseepeoplewhohavesomuchloveandself-respectintheirheartsthattheyrarelygetdefensive,upset,orcriticalofothers.

LookingfortheCluesYoucanbegintolookforcluestopointyouinthedirectionofyourhealthyfunctioning.Tobegin,youmustfirstacknowledgethatyouhaveitinyou–andthenappreciateitwhenitispresent.Don’tjustlookforhealthyfunctioningwhenyoufeelupset,butpayattentiontoitwhenyouarefeelinggood.Inthisway,yourhealthyfunctioningcangrow.Asmoreandmoreofyourenergyandattentionaredirectedtowardsthisotherpartofyourself,youwillfindyourselfexperiencingitfarmoreoften.Thebetterfeelingyouexperiencewillfeedonitself,givingyoumoreconfidenceandmorehope,settingforthapositive,life-enhancingcycle.Overtimeyouwillbeabletoseeyourselfmovinginandoutofyourhealthyfunctioning,andeventuallyyouwillbeabletoliveinthisstateofmindmostofthetime.Evenwhenyouaren’tabletotapintothishappierstate,youwillatleastknowthatitexists.Thisknowledgewillprotectandshieldyouagainstthegripsofunhappinessanddepression.

Yourhealthyfunctioningmustbecomemoreimportantandmorerealtoyouthanyourunhappinesshasbeeninthepast.Ifitdoes,youwillseenewlightandnewhopeemerginginyourlife.Themomentsofmentalhealthyouhaveexperiencedinthepastwillbecomeminutes,thenhours,andfinallyawayoflife.IfyoucanseethetruthinwhatIamsaying,thatthereissomuchmoretoyouthanyourunhappinessandyournegativethoughtsaboutyourself,youhavereachedthestartofyourroadtofreedom.Youmustbegintoacknowledgethatyoudoindeedhavementalhealth,thatyoudohavehealthyfunctioning.Youmustrealizethatevenifyoudon’tfeelitatthemoment,it’sstillthere,waitingforyourattention.

Imaginethatyouhaveaspecialpairoforangesocksthatyouhavelostbutwouldliketowear.Ifyouarecertainthatyouownthem,andyouknowwhattheylooklike,andyoureallywanttofindthem,thenyouareathousandtimesmorelikelytofindthemthanifyoudon’tevenknowthatyouownthem!Howwouldyoueverfindsomethingifyoudidn’tevenknowwhatyouwerelookingfor–orforthatmatterthattherewasevenanythingtolookfor?

Ifyoubeginactivelytosearchout,explore,andyearnforyourowninnersanity,youwillfindwhatyouarelookingfor.Asyourunderstandingandfaithintheexistenceofyourhealthyfunctioningincreasesyouwilldiscoverabetterfeelingsurfacing.Asthispartofyouthatisneverdepressedisrecognizedandacknowledged,itwillbegintoconqueryourunhappinessinthesamewaythatsunlightwillbringlifetoaplantthathasbeenleftinthedark.Lightismorepowerfulthandarkness.Healthyfunctioningismorepowerfulthanunhappiness.

Onceyourinherentmentalhealthandhappinessareacknowledged,theywillbetoopowerfultoremainaninactiveforceinyourlife.Onceyourecognizethisfeelingforwhatitis,itwillbecomeself-reinforcinguntilitovershadowsanyunhappinessthatremains.

Youdon’tfindlightbystudyingthedark.Iknowthissoundsobvious,andtoacertaindegree,itis.Butthiscommon-sensewayofapproachinglifeisanythingbutcommon.Moreoftenthannot,therapistsandfriendswillgetyoutodescribeyourpainandlookattheimplicationsofitandthe‘reasons’behinditinanattempttobringyoutoastateofpeace.Youwillbeaskedtoexplorethepartsofyourpastthatwerepainfulandto‘getintouch’withyournegativityandyourdarkside.Ifyouaredepressed,youarealreadyintouchwithyournegativity.Tobecomehappy,youneedtotravelintheotherdirection–towardsyourhealthyfunctioning.Pleasedon’tmisunderstandwhatIamsaying:agoodlistenerandasympatheticearcandowondersforthesoul,andisasignofagoodfriendship.I’mnotattemptingtoplacejudgmentorcriticizetypicaltherapeuticapproachesandcertainlynotgoodfriendships.Instead,I’mshowingyouhowtodecideforyourselfwhatisgoingtobringyouwhatyouwantinlife.Ifyouhaveadarkside,fine.Acknowledgeitandmoveforward.Excessivethinkingaboutyourpastandyourproblemswillonlyconvinceyouthatyoudo,infact,havegoodreasonstobeupsetandunhappy.

Whenafootballplayeristakingapenaltykickandthereare15,000fansinthecrowdscreamingforandagainsthim,hemustkeephiseyeonthegoalandforgeteverythingelse.Theverybestfootballplayersdojustthat.Theslightestwaveringofattentionusuallyresultsinamissedshot,andperhapsalostgame.Agoodathletewillpractiseandpractisethatwhichworks.Hewillnotdwellonpastmistakes.Hewillnotentertainself-doubtingthoughts.Hewillacknowledge,thenreleasetheimagesofhispastmistakesfromhisconsciousness.Achievingmentalhealthandhappinessworksinasimilarfashionexceptthatthestakesaremuchhigher.

Ifyouaskedahundred‘happypeople’thesecretoftheirsuccess,noneofthemwouldsaytoyouthattheyneverfeelnegativeemotions,orthattheyneverhavenegativethoughts,orthattheirpastswereperfect.Virtuallyallofthem,however,wouldtellyouthateveninthemidstoftheirnegativitytheyknewtherewassomethingbetter,somethingmoreimportanttothemthantheawfulfeelingtheywereexperiencingatthatmoment.Theirfaithinthisotherpartofthemselvesisthedrivingforcebehindtheirhappiness.Happypeopleknowthereissomethingbetter,morepowerfulandmoreimportantthanwhattheyare

thinkingabout!Theyknowthatstudyingtheirunhappinesswon’tbringthemhappiness.

InthechaptersthatfollowIwillbereferringtoyourhealthyfunctioningmanytimes.Youwillbelearningabouttoolsthatcanenableyoutotapintothisnicerfeelingmoreofteninyourlife.Asyouread,keepinmindthatyourgoalistofeelbetter.Asyoulearntodismisstheobstaclesthatinterferewithyourhealthyfunctioning,youwillbebuildingafoundationofmentalhealththatwilllastforalifetime.

Four/DismissingThoughts

Theaveragepersonwillhaveapproximately50,000thoughtsenterandleavehermindinanygivenday.Luckily,wehaveaveryimportantability–theabilityto‘dismiss’thoughtsastheyenterourmind.

Dismissingthoughtsisanatural,effortlessprocessthatkeepsusfromconfusion,anxiety,overstimulation,andgettingtoocaughtupinourownthinking.Withoutthisability,wewouldundoubtedlyalleventuallysufferfromnervousbreakdownsandfallapart.Therewouldsimplybetoomuchmentalactivitytohandle.

ConsiderwhatyouwoulddoifyouwereenjoyingafilmonaSaturdayeveningwhen,duringaslowmoment,youbeganwonderingwhetheryoushouldpaintyourbedroomblueorwhitenextsummer.Chancesareyouwouldsimplydismissthisthoughtfromyourmind,alongwiththeothertensofthousandsofthoughtsthatenteryourmindduringthecourseofagivenday.Thereislittlechanceyouwouldletthisthoughtinterferewithyourenjoymentoftheevening.Youwouldn’tevaluate,analyse,ordwellonthethought–therewouldbenoeffortinvolved–youwouldjustletitdriftaway.Andasthethoughtdriftedaway,youwouldbringyourattentionbacktowhatyouweredoing–watchingthefilm.Itishelpfultoseetheeasewithwhichyoudismissthoughtsthroughouttheday.Andtheimportantquestiontoaskyourselfis:IfIcandismissonethoughtwhycan’tIdismissanother?Thesimpletruthisthatyoucandismissanythoughtsyoubelieveyoucandismiss.

Thinkforamomentwhatwouldhavehappenedifyouhadn’tdismissedthethoughtaboutwhichcolourtopaintthebedroom,andinsteadhadfocusedyourattentiononit.Hadthisbeenthecase,thethoughtwouldhavetakenonmoresignificanceinyourmind,creatingthepotentialtoaffectyourwell-being.Asyouthoughtabouttheissueofpaintingyourroom,youwouldhavebeguntofeeltheeffects.Thequestionofwhatcolourwouldhaveledtoafeelingofconfusion,followedbyanynumberofadditionalthoughtssuchas‘Icannevermakeupmymind,’whichwouldhavebroughtonafeelingoffrustrationoranxiety.Onethoughtwouldnaturallyleadtoanotherandanotherunlessanduntilyouchosetodropthethoughtsaltogether.

It’ssurprisinghowlittlecontrolyouhaveoverwhichthoughtsenteryourmindtobeginwith.It’sasifthoughtsjustappearinyourmind,almostrandomly.Yourpowerorcontroloveryourownthinkingbeginsafterthe

formationofathought.Itisafteryouhaveathoughtthatyouhavethechoiceofcontinuingtothinkaboutit–orletitdriftaway.Yourabilitytoletyourthoughtsdriftawaywillbetiedtoyourunderstandingthatthoughts,inandofthemselves,havenopowertohurtyou.Thoughtsarenothingmorethanimagesinyourmind,andyoucandropthoseimageswheneveryouchoosetodoso.

Weareconstantlydismissingthoughtsofalltypeswheneverwedeemthemunnecessaryorunimportant.Itisourfaultyjudgmentregardingwhatisunnecessarythatgetsusintotrouble.Forexample,whilewemightdismissthethoughtaboutpaintingthebedroom,wemightnotdismissthethoughtabouthowbadlifehasbecome.Wedismissonethoughtasinsignificant,yetweanalyseanotherasifithadalifeofitsown.Itdoesn’t.Onethoughtcanbejustaseasilydismissedasanother.Ironically,it’sfarmoreimportanttodismissthethoughtabouthowbadyourlifehasbecomethananinnocuousthoughtaboutthecolourofyourbedroom.Fewofusrealize,however,thatwehavethischoicewheneverwewish.Asyoupractisetheartofdismissingthoughts,youwillseehoweasyitreallyis.

Aswehaveseen,wheneverwetakeathoughtseriously,regardlessofthecontent,wesetourselvesuptoexperiencetheeffectsofthatthoughtandtofeeltheemotionstiedtoit.Fortunately,thereverseisalsotrue.Aswelearntodismissthoughtsthatareinterferingwithouremotionalwell-being,webegintofeelbetter.Feelingbetter,inturn,setsanewpositivecycleinmotion.Thebetterwefeel,thefewernegativethoughtsenterourmind.Asnegativethoughtsdohappentoenterourmind,wecasuallydismissthem–andsoon.

Imagine,foramoment,thatyouaresittingaroundfeelingbadaboutyourfinances.You’rethinkingabouthowharditistomakeendsmeet.Thoughtslike‘I’llnevergetoutofdebt’arefillingyourmind.You’refeelingsorryforyourself.Then,allofasudden,yousmellsmokecomingfromadownstairsflat.Youknowtherearechildrenlivingdownthereandyouinstantlyjumpoutofyourchairandrundownstairstoseeifyoucanhelp.Thequestionstoaskyourselfare:Whathappenedtoyourthoughtsduringthefire?Wheredidtheygo?Verysimply,youdismissedthem.Youdecidedthatdealingwiththepotentialfirewasmoreimportantthancontinuingtothinkaboutyourdebts.It’sreallythatsimple.Notethatassoonasyoudismissedthethoughtsandwentontosomethingelse,youwerefreeofthenegativeeffectsofthosethoughts.Youwerenolongerfeelingsorryforyourself.Youwerere-energized,youevenhadthewherewithaltohelpinacrisis.Anynegativefeelingsyouhaddriftedawayandwerereplacedbythefeelingsassociatedwithyournewthoughts.

Theonlywaytobringbackthosesamenegativefeelingsyouwereexperiencingregardingyourpersonalfinancesistobeginthinkingaboutthesamethingsagain.Thismightseemcrazybut,interestinglyenough,therearepeoplewhowilldojustthat.Inthiscase,theywoulddealwiththefire,andthenquicklyreturntotheirpreviouspreoccupation.It’sasthoughtheywouldsaytothemselves,‘Now,wherewasIbeforeIwasinterrupted?Oh,that’sright,Iwasthinkingabouthowbadmylifehasbecome.Yes,mylifeisreallybad.AndIfeelreallybad.’ItmightseemlikeI’mexaggerating,buttruthfully,manyofuswillemotionallytortureourselveswithourownthinking–withouteverrealizingthatwearedoingittoourselves.Thisself-tortureistotallyabsurd,yetsomanypeopledoit.

Themomentyourealizewhatyouaredoingtoyourselfisthemomentyoubegintosetyourselffree.Youarethethinkerwhoisthinkingabouthowbadyourlifeis.Thepowertostopdoingthisisinyourhands.Allyouhavetodoisrealizethatyouaretheproducerofyourownthoughts.Thethoughtsthemselveshavenolifeoftheirownandcan’tharmyou.Onceforgotten,theyaregoneuntilyouthinkofthemagain.

Humanbeingshaveanaturalabilitytodisengagethemselvesfrompointlessanddestructivethinking.Forexample,whathappenstotheofficebickeringwhenthebosssuddenlycomesthroughthedoor?Everyoneinstantlyputsontheirbestbehaviour.Todothis,theymustforgetthearguing.Theindividualsinvolvedaremotivatedtodropthethinkingthatwaskeepingthefightalive.However,itisoftenthecasethatifsomeoneweretosuggesttothesesamepeoplethatiftheydropthethoughtsthefrictionwillbegone,theresponsewillbesomethinglike,‘Easiersaidthandone.Wecan’tstopthinkingaboutit.’Whileitsometimesseemsasthoughthisisthecase,inrealityitisnot.Thetruthisthatweareconstantlydismissingthoughtsbutareusuallyunawarethatwearedoingit.It’simportanttoknowthatyou,liketheofficeworkersintheexample,haveagreatdealofmotivationtostartdismissingthoughtsthataremakingyouunhappy.Ifyoudo,youwillbehappyandyourproblemswillresolvethemselves.

TheTimeFactorIfweconsiderthewaymostpeoplegetoverproblemsandpainfulevents,byfarthemostpopularisthe‘passageoftime’.Wehavebeentaughttobelievethat‘timehealsallwounds’.Peoplerarelyrealize,however,thattheythemselvesstoppedperpetuatingtheirproblembydroppingitfromthought.This‘dismissal’isthefactorthatbroughttheirmentalhealthbacktothem.Hadtheyrecognizedthisfact,itwouldbepossibletomaintainahighdegreeofmentalhealthonanongoingbasis.Butbecausethisfactisoverlooked,evenwhenpeopledomanagetoregainsomedegreeofmentalhealthbydroppingtheirthoughts,theirlackofunderstandingofhowtheyactuallyobtainedtheirreliefmakesitnearlyimpossibletoholdontotheirmorepositivefeeling.Verysimply,thenexttimenegativethoughts(thesamethoughtsornewones)entertheirminds,theywillbejustaslikelytofallvictimtothesamepattern.Ratherthandismissingthethoughtsastheycomeup,therebyregainingamorepeacefuloutlook,theywillcontinuetoengagethethoughts.Onceapersonlearnsthatthesecretofmentalhealthisthedismissalofnegativethoughts,heisfreetoexperiencementalhealthregularly.

Thepassageoftimehasnorealrelevanceinhelpingustogetoversomethingotherthanencouragingustothinkaboutotherthingsbesideswhateverisbotheringus.Aswehaveseen,wehavethecapacitytodropthoughtsinstantlywhenwearemotivatedandchoosetodoso.Anunderstandingofthoughtallowsustoseethatallthoughtsarejustthoughtsandallmemoryisjustmemory–whethersomethinghappenedtenyearsagoortenminutesago.Andaswebegintofeelbetterbydismissingthoughtsatwill,theprocessgetseasier.Ifthepassageoftimewerereallythedeterminingfactorthatenabledapersontogetoversomething,thenallofuswouldgetoverthingsinanidenticalperiodoftime.Butweknowthisisn’tthecase.

Thisunderstandinghassignificantpracticalimplications.Whereaswemighthavesetupartificialculturalorsocialtimeframestogetoverorrecoverfromasituation,wecannowseethatit’sentirelyuptous.Forexample,ifwetriedsomethingandfailed,thereisnopresetperiodoftimeinwhichwecanexpecttogetoveritandmoveon.Ifitusuallytakesusaweektogetoversomesortoffailure,itonlymeansthatsevendaysafteraneventwestopthinkingaboutitandmoveon.Sincetheincidentisnowoverandcontinuestoexistonlyinourmind,ifwewanttowecanstoppayingattentiontothethoughtswehaveabouttheincident,andinsteaddismissthethoughtsastheyenterourmind.Oncewediscoverhowniceitistofeelbetterasaresultofdismissingnegativeandpainfulthoughts,holdingontothesethoughtsbecomeslessandlessappealing.

painfulthoughts,holdingontothesethoughtsbecomeslessandlessappealing.Dismissingthoughtsisn’tsomethingyouhavetolearn,it’ssomethingyoualreadydo.

Five/Wisdom

CertainlyoneofthequestionsIammostfrequentlyaskedis:Ifmythoughtsarejustthoughts,andtheyaren’tsomethingIhavetobeoverlyconcernedwith,thenhowdoIknowwhichthoughtstopayattentiontoandwhichthoughtstodismiss?

Wearefortunatetohavewithinusaninnerintelligencethatisdeeperandmoreprofoundthananytestcouldmeasure–wisdom.Yourwisdomwilltellyouwhentolistentoandtrustyourthoughtsandwhentoignorethem.Itwilltellyouwhenyouarethinkinginahabitual,business-as-usualwayandwhenyouarethinkingfromawisestateofcommonsense.

Wisdomexistsoutsidetheconfinesofourindividualthoughtsystem.Inotherwords,whenwetapintowisdom,wearen’tthinkinginabusiness-as-usualsense,butfromanentirelydifferentstandpoint,whichprobablyexplainswhysofewpeopleacknowledgetheirownwisdom.Whileasasocietywehavetraditionallyreveredintelligence,it’simportanttoknowthatwisdomdoesnotcomefromthoughtalone;itisn’tlinkedtoyourabilitytouseyourintelligenceoryourmemory.Youcan’t‘figureout’whatyourwisdomistryingtotellyou.Insteadyoulearntotrustaquietinnervoicethatknowswhatyouneedtoknow.Andwhat’smore,whenitdoesn’tknowananswer,itknowsthatitdoesn’tknow.

Wisdomisyoursenseofknowing,anintuitivefeelingthatyouhaveexperiencedmanytimes.Forinstance,whenyoulearntodriveacar,youneverforgethowtodoso.Youcanstopdrivingforanumberofmonths,orevenyears,thengetinthedriver’sseatanddriveperfectly.Wisdomistheinternalknowingthatallowedyoutodrivewithouthavingtorelearn.

Wisdomexistsineveryaspectofyourlife.Therearetimeswhenyousimplyknowwhatisrightforyou,orwhenyouknowyoucandosomething.Thisisquitedifferentfromhavingtothinkinsearchofananswer.Todemonstratethedifference,thinkofanoldfriend.Doyouhavetocomeupwithreasonswhyyoulovethisperson?Ofcoursenot.Yoursenseofknowingtellsyouwhotoloveandwhotoavoid.Nowthinkofsomeoneyoudon’tcarefor.Ifyou’rehonest,you’dprobablybeabletolisttenpositivecharacteristicsaboutthisperson.Ifyoucan’t,I’llbetsomeoneelsecan.Thepointisthis:ifyoucanlistpositivetraitsaboutaperson,thenwhydon’tyoulikethatperson?Simplybecauseyourintuitivesenseknowswhatisbestforyou.Yourwisdomisfarmorepowerfulandall-knowingthanyourthinkingmind.

andall-knowingthanyourthinkingmind.I’vealreadysaidthatyourthoughtsaren’treal.Butifthisisso,which

thoughtsshouldyoupayattentiontoandwhichshouldyouavoid?Verysimply,yourwisdom,yoursenseofknowingwilltellyou.Hereisanexample.Youareinabadmoodandyouhavethefollowingthoughtaboutyourspouse:‘He’scompletelyuseless!’Doyoudismissthisthoughtornot?Theanswerisyes.Bydismissingthisnegativethoughtyouavoidhavingahundredadditionalthoughtsaboutyourhusbandthataregoingtoloweryourspirits–andgetinthewayofyourwisdom!Bydismissingthethought,youavoidhavingtofeelbad,whichisexactlywhatwouldhappenifyoucontinuedtothinknegativelyaboutyourhusband.Howyoufeelisafunctionofyourownthoughts.Ifyouthinknegativelyaboutyourhusband,yousuffer–notyourhusband.Bymaintainingapositivefeelinginyourlifeandnotbeingseducedbyyournegativethoughts,youkeepthedooropenforyoursenseofknowing.Wheneveryouareinapositivefeelingstate,yourhealthyfunctioning–yourwisdom–isatwork.

Whatifyourhusbandreallyisuseless?Whatif,inahappierstateofmind,somethingwithinyouistellingyouthatsomechangesneedtobemade?Terrific!That’syourinnerwisdomatwork.Byallmeanslistentothisvoiceandactuponit.Wisdomisthequietvoicethatspeakstoyouwhenyouarefeelinggood,whenyouarehappy,whenyouhaveyourbearings.Inthiscase,itwouldbethesenseofknowingthatsomethingneedstochangeinyourmarriage.Thissenseofknowingdidn’tcomefromthinkingpoorlyaboutyourhusbandanditcertainlydidn’tcomefromfeelingbad.Wisdomnevercomesfromnegativitynorcanitexistwhenyourmindisfilledwithnegativethoughts.Yourwisdomcomesfromquieteningdown,fromdismissingyournegativethoughts–eventhoughthosethoughtspertainedtoyourhusband–andlisteningtoyourinnerknowing.Thisidenticalprocessisalwaysavailabletoyouwhenyouquietendownandopenuptoit.Yourwisdomwillalwaysspeaktoyouifonesimpleconditionismet:dismissallnegativethoughtssurroundingtheissueandquietendown.Theanswerwillbethere.

WilliamJames,thefatherofmodernpsychology,said,‘Wisdomisseeingsomethinginanon-habitualmanner.’Wisdomisseeinganoldprobleminanew,freshway.Whenyoudiscoveryourwisdomyouwillfreeyourselffromyourfixedandhabitualpatternsofthinkingandbeabletonavigateyourselftowardsalifeofhappinessandinnerpeace.Yourwisdomisallyouneed.Itwillbecomethesteeringwheelthattellsyouwhentomoveforwardandwhentotakeastepback,listen,andwaitforananswer.

Wisepeoplethroughouthistoryhavebeenthosewhosawthatwhilelifeis

Wisepeoplethroughouthistoryhavebeenthosewhosawthatwhilelifeisreal,life’sproblemsareanillusion,theyarethought-created.Thesepeopleknowthatwemanufactureandblowproblemswayoutofproportionthroughourownabilitytothink.Theyalsoknowthatifwecanstepoutsidetheboundariesofourownthinking,wecanfindtheanswerwearelookingfor.This,inanutshell,iswisdom:theabilitytoseeananswerwithouthavingtothinkofananswer.Wisdomisthe‘ahha,that’ssoobvious’experiencemostofushavehadmanytimes.Fewpeopleseemtounderstandthatthisvoiceisalwaysavailabletous.

Wisdomisindeedyourinnersenseofknowing.Itistruementalhealth,apeacefulstateofmindwhereanswerstoquestionsareasplentifulastheproblemsyouseewhenyouaren’texperiencingwisdom.It’sasifwisdomliesinthespacebetweenyourthoughts,inthosequietmomentswhenyour‘biologicalcomputer’isturnedoff.Hereisanexample.

Markwas(andis)averyintelligentperson.Hisusualpatternwastothinkandtalkabouthisproblemsinanattempttoovercomethem.Hefeltthatbecausehisproblemswere‘real’,hewasjustifiedintryingtosolvethem.Onthesurfacethisseemsrational,thatis,untilyourealizethatproblemsarethought-related.Inotherwords,theactofthinkingaboutyourproblemsisthemechanismthatkeepsthemaliveandmakesthemseemreal.Toseethisanotherway,trythisexperience.Stopreadingforamomentandthinkofaprobleminyourlife.Thereitis,rightinfrontofyou.Aninterestingquestiontoaskyourselfis:wherewastheproblemamomentago,beforeyouthoughtaboutit?Itwasn’twithyoubecauseyouweren’tthinkingaboutit.Thisdoesn’tmeantherearen’tissuesinyourlifethatneedaddressing,butitdoessuggestthatthoseissuesaren’t‘problems’unlesstheyarepresentinyourmind.

Markfeltheneededacareerchange.Hewasbored,frustrated,disappointedwiththepoliticsofhiscompany,disappointedwithhisco-workers,disappointedwithhispay,andsoforth.Hespentanenormousamountoftimebyhimself,withfriends,hiswife,evenacareercounsellor,discussingandthinkingaboutingreatdetailwhathedidn’tlikeabouthisjob.

Markdesperatelywantedananswer.Hewantedtoknowwhatheshoulddoinstead,whereheshouldturn,whoheshouldtalkto,whathewouldratherbedoing.Eachdayhewouldreviewwhathedidn’tlikeabouthisjob.Then,uponreturninghome,hewouldgooveritagainwithhiswife.Hewasrackinghisbrainforasolution.

Markfelt,asdomostpeople,thatifthoughtscametohismind,heshouldstudyandanalysethemtoseewhathecouldfind.Heexperiencedhisabilityto

thinkassomethingthatwashappeningtohimratherthanassomethingthathewasdoing.Thereis,ofcourse,amajordifferencebetweenthesetwoperceptions.Ifyouperceiveyourthinkingassomethingthatishappeningtoyou,youareavictimofit;thinkingseemstobesomethingthatisimposeduponyouthatrequiresyoutothinkaboutitsomemore.Youbecomesocaughtupinyourownthinkingthatyoulosetheabilitytoaccessyourwisdom.Thisprocessbecomesanendlessloopwherebyyouneverrealizethatyouarelookingforananswerintheveryplacewheretheproblemlies.If,however,youperceivecorrectlythatthinkingissomethingthatoriginateswithinyou,thatthinkingissomethingthatyouaredoing,momenttomoment,thenlifelooksquitedifferent.Inthiscase,youcanseeyourselfastheonedoingthethinking;youcanremaincompletelydetachedfromthecontentofyourthinking,whichenablesyoutogainsomeperspective.Youfindthatinsteadofbeinglostinyourownthoughts,youfeelasenseofspaciousness,balance,andperspective.Youseebeyondtheconfinesofyourthought-createdworldtowhatisreallytrueinthemoment.

Markneededtoknowthatasthoughtscametohismindhehadtheoptionofwhetherornottofollowthosethoughts.Ittooksometimetoconvincehimthatitwasinhisbestinteresttostopthinkingabouttheissueofhiscareeraltogether.Heneededtorediscoverthepositivefeelingsthathadbroughthimintohischosenfieldtobeginwith.Ashedidso,heregainedhisperspectiveandrealizedthat,althoughtherewereaspectsofhisjobthatwerelessthanperfect,itwasinhisbestinteresttopostponehisnewjobsearchuntilhehadcompletedalong-termprojecttowhichhehadcommittedhimself.

AyearlaterMarkrealizedthatthebestdecisionhehadevermadewasnotleavingthefirmatthetimehemostwantedto.Eventuallyhedidleaveit,movingontoarelatedbutbetterjobwithalmosttwicethepay.Hesaidheneverwouldhavebeenabletogethisnewjobifhehadn’tprovedhimselfbycompletingtheprojecthewasworkingonathisoriginalfirm.Mark’sthinkinghadearnedhimonlyagreatdealoffrustration;hiswisdomearnedhimanewjob.

Wisdomisyourhealthyfunctioninginaction.It’satoolthatyoucanusetoguideyouthroughlife.Wisdomismoreusefulandpowerfulthanyour‘normal’thinking.Itcanansweranyquestionyoumayhave.Wheneveryouareconfrontedwithaquestionorproblem,clearyourmind,quietendown,andaskyourwisdomforananswer.Youmaybesurprisedatwhatyoureceive.

Six/ThoughtsGrowwithAttention

Yourpastisnowonlyafigmentofyourimagination,andsoisyourfuture.Theonlymomentthatisrealisrightnow.Asyourecognizethepowerfulpartthatyourthinkingplaysincreatingyourexperienceyoubegintorealizethatlifeisnotresponsibleforyourhappinessorunhappiness,yourthoughtsare.Thisisapowerfulinsightbecauseitsuggeststhatyoualonearecapableofchangingyourownlife.AmericanphilosopherRalphWaldoEmersononcesaid,‘Theancestortoeveryactionisathought.’Youmustrealizethattobecomeahappierperson,youmustfirstimaginethatit’spossible.

Thewayyoufeelisdeterminedbyyourthoughts.Themoreattentionyouputonanythingthatisnegative,theworseyouwillfeel.Again,Iaskthatyouuseyourownwisdomandcommonsensetodecidewhetherornottobelieveme.Despitethepopularideathattalkingaboutandworkingthroughnegativeemotionsisagoodidea,I’msuggestingthatcommonsensedictatesotherwise.Peoplehavebeen‘workingthrough’endlessnegativeemotionsforyearsnow,andveryfewaremuchbetteroffthanwhentheystarted.Thequestionstoaskyourself(andyourtherapist)are:Whendoestheanalysisstop?WhenhaveIhadenough?WhendoIgettofeelbetter?

Ifyoubelievethatyourthoughtsarereal–andyouareencouragedtoworkthroughtheworstofthem–youwillendupwithevenmoretocontendwith,becausethemoreyouthink,thebiggerandmoreimportantthethoughtswillseem,andthemoreofthemtherewillbetodealwith.Becauseyourfeelingsaredeterminedbywhatyouthinkabout,youwill,bynecessity,sinkevenlower.Andunfortunately,becauseyouarefeelinglower,youwillnowthinkevenmorenegativethoughts,newonesthatyounowhaveto‘workthrough’.It’sanendlessnegativespiralthatnevertakesyouupwardtowardswhereyouwanttobe–happy.Thespiralwillendwhenyoudecidethatenoughisenough.Itwillendwhenyoustartwithacleanslate,withaclearmind,andwhenyourealizethattheonlythingholdingyourunhappinessinplaceisyourownthinking.Ifyoureallywanttobehappy,youmuststopfocusingonyournegativefeelings,andstartlookingforthemagicalfeelingofhealthyfunctioningthatresidesinsideyou.

TroubleshootingTroubleshootingisawayoflifeformanypeople.Itmeansbeingonthelookoutforwhat’swrong,findingflaws,seekingoutimperfections,pointingoutpotentialpitfalls,findingfault,generatingconcerns,beingasceptic,andrememberingmistakes.Foracomputerproductthiscanbecrucial;forahumanbeingitcanbedevastating.

Troubleshootingisasociallyacceptableformofmentalillness.Manypeopleareproudoftheirabilitytopredictpotentialproblems,seefaultinothers,andrememberpastmistakes.Theycallthemselves‘realists’.Theyconsidertheirfault-findingskillsnecessaryandimportant.Theyrationalizetheirbehaviourandwayofthinkingbysayingsuchthingsas,‘Youmustlearnfromhistory,’and‘Someonehastolookoutfortheproblems.’

Troubleshootersoftenraisechildrenwithlowself-esteem.Theyaresobusypointingoutthewaysthattheirchildrencouldimprovethattheytotallyforgettoenjoytheirpresence.Thechildrenofteninterprettheirparents’attitudetomeanthattheyarenotgoodenough.Troubleshootershavelowself-esteemthemselves.Ratherthanexperiencingwhatishappeningintheirlives,theyareconstantlythinkingofwaystoimprovetheirexperience.Regardlessofhowgoodthingsget,theyconstantlywantmore.

Atroubleshootercanneverbesatisfiedbecausesheisusingherthinkingagainstherself.Sheistoobusyevaluatingherlifetoenjoyit.Shepicksuptheslightestimperfectionsandturnsthemintoabigdeal.Evenwhenshelikessomething,shecomparesittosomethingelse.

Thereiscertainlynothingwrongwithwantingtoimprove,excel,achieve,orcompare.Butthereissomethingharmfultothehumanpsychewhen,insteadofbeingopenandreceptivetothebeautyoflife,itisoverflowingwithcomparisons,criticisms,suggestions,andthoughtsofimperfections.Lifedoesn’thavetobeacontesttoseehowmanyflawsyoucanfind.Lifecanbebeautiful,anditwillbe,whenyoustartdismissingthethoughtsyouhavethattakeyouawayfromagoodfeelingaboutlife,afeelingofloveandappreciation,yourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.Insteadoffollowingthetroubleshootingthoughtsyouhave,practiseignoringthem.Ratherthanfollowingthroughwithanunnecessarysuggestiontosomeone,practiseholdingyourtongue.Instead,offeryoursupportfordoingittheirownway.Insteadofanticipatingpotentialproblemsandreviewingpastmistakes,keepyourselfhere,inthismoment.Seeforyourselfhowlivingmomenttomomenttendstotakecareofmostproblems.Remindyourselfthatyourinnerwisdomandhealthyfunctioningwilllearnfrom

history–allbyitself–evenifyoudon’treviewyourmistakesinyourhead.Watchwhathappenswhenyoudismissaconcerninyourmindas‘justathought’.Noticehowveryfewofyourconcernsactuallymanifestintosignificantreal-lifeproblems.Forthoseconcernsthatreallydobecomeproblems,watchhowgracefullyyousolvethemwhenyouremainpresentandfocused,whenyourheadisn’tmuddledwithalotofotherthoughts,relatedornot,thatonlyaddtotheproblem.

Theprocessofatroubleshooter’sthinkingisveryeasytoexplain.Shelooksatsomethingorsomeoneandthoughtsbegintobubble.Thespecificcontentofherthoughtsaren’timportant.Whatendsuphurtingheristhenatureofherthinking,thefactthatherthoughtsareseekingtoimprovetheperson,place,orthing.Ratherthandismissingthosethoughts,asahappierpersonwouldtendtodo,thetroubleshooterpaysattentiontoherthoughts,believingthemtobereal.Becauseshethinksherthoughtsaresoimportant,sheeitherpointsthemouttosomeoneorkeepsthinkingthemtoherself.Thethoughtsfeedononeanotherandbegintotakeonalifeoftheirown.Shefeelsthatshewouldn’thavethoughtthemupiftheyweren’tworthyofconcern.

Ahappypersonmighthavetheverysamethoughtsenterhismind,butthewayhewouldrespondtothosethoughtswouldbequitedifferent.Thethoughtswouldbubbletothesurface.Hewouldthenacknowledgethathewasthinkingthem,dismissthem,andgoonwithhisday.Obviously,ifhiswisdomtoldhimthatanyparticularthoughtsdidhavemerit,andtheissuewasimportant,hewouldchoosetodosomethingaboutthesituation.Hewouldn’t,however,allowhismindtoblowthesituationoutofproportion.Hewouldtapintohishealthyfunctioningasbesthecould,knowingthathiswisdomwouldprovidehimwiththeanswersheneeds.Hewouldrememberagoldenruleofhappiness:it’simpossibletofeelgratitudeforsomethingwhenyouaretoobusytryingtoimproveit.

ThePastTobreakfreefromunhappinessyouhavetobringyourselfbacktothepresent.Youmustrealizethatyourpastisnolongerhere–it’sover.Itexistsonlywithinyourownthinking.Itwasrealthen,butnow,it’sonlyapartofyourimagination.

Fromgenerationtogeneration,eachofushasbeentaughtthatthepastrepresentswhatis,andthatitpredictsthefuture.Apersonwhoispsychologicallysoundandofgoodjudgmentisseentolookcarefullytothepast

psychologicallysoundandofgoodjudgmentisseentolookcarefullytothepastwhenthinkingoffutureplans.Therefore,itmakessensetomostpeopletorecallthepastwhendealingwithsomethinginthepresent.Thistendency,however,whileusefulattimes,canwreakhavoconourrapportwithothers.Italsotakesusawayfromourhealthyfunctioning.

Thetruthisthatmanyarguments,painfulconfrontations,ordifficultsituationsareonlydifficultbecausethepeopleinvolvedarebusythinkingaboutthepastwithoutrealizingtheyaredoingso!Inotherwordstheyarefilteringtheirpresentmomentsthroughthoughtsofthepast.

Onthesurface,almosteveryonerealizesthepastisover.Veryfew,however,internalizethisunderstandingdeeplyenoughtopreventthepastfromhauntingthem.Instead,theyallowthoughtsofthepasttocontaminatethepresent,interferingwiththepresentexperienceofhealthyfunctioning.Ifyoucanrememberthatthepastisonlyamemory,youwillbeabletoignore,toaverylargedegree,thethoughtsofthepastthatgetinthewayofenjoyinglife.Youcanlearnagreatdealfromyourpast,butyouneednotsufferbecauseofit.Yourunderstandingofthoughtwillallowyoutoremainrighthere,inthepresentmoment,wherehappinesscanexist.

Seven/ThoughtSystems

Onceyouhaveaclearunderstandingofthedynamicsofthought–whatitis,who’sdoingit,andwhathappensasaresult–youarereadytolearnexactlywhatitisthatholdsyournegativethinkinginplace,whatkeepsithangingaroundinyourmind.

Allofus,fromthetimeweareinfants,haveanaturaldesiretomakesenseoflife.Werelatefacts,compareevents,andformconclusionsoutofwhatwesee.Thisisaverynaturalprocess;weneedtocreateatleastsomeorderinourlivesandtolearnfromourmistakesandcircumstances.

Thewaywegoaboutmakingsenseofourlivesistoorganizeourthoughtsintowhatiscalleda‘thoughtsystem’.Athoughtsystemisaself-containedthinkingunitthroughwhichweinterprettheworld.Itisalmostlikeapairofsunglassesthatwenevertakeoff,anditisthroughtheseglassesthatweseetherelativesignificanceorlackofitineverythingweareexposedto.Forexample,ifyougrewupinafamilywheretherewasahugeemphasisonmoney,wherevirtuallyeverydinnerconversationcentredaroundthesubject,youwillhavethatinformationstoredinyourthoughtsystem.Youwillthereforebepredisposedtoplacinganenormousemphasisonmoneyyourself.Whenafriendasksyoutogoshoppingwithher,youmightfindyourselfwondering‘HowmuchmoneywillIspend?’or‘HowmuchmoneywillIneedtobring?’Itbecomes‘normal’foryoutolookatlifeinthatparticularway.Becauseyourthoughtsystemisfilledupwithcertaintypesofinformation,yousimplyneverquestionyourownwayoflookingatlife–itjustseemsrighttoyou.

Letmemakeonethingperfectlyclear:there’snothingwrongwithyourthoughtsystem.Thewayitdevelopedwasinnocent.Youweresimplygivenasetoffactsthatwererepresentedas‘truth’,andunlessyouareaveryrareexceptiontothehumanspecies,youboughttheinformation,hook,line,andsinker.Whatelsecouldyoudo?Youwereachildeagertolearnaboutlife.Whenyourparentsandotherimportantrolemodelsgaveyouinformationyouaccepteditastruthful.Overtime,youstoredthisso-calledtruthinyourmemoryuntilyoucouldseelifeinnootherway,allthewhiledevelopingconditionedresponsestocertaininformationthatseemappropriatetoyou.Anexamplecouldbeyourtendencytofeelthreatenedordefensivewhensomeonemakesasuggestionaboutsomethingyou’redoing.Thereisnothinginherentinthewordspeopleusewhentheyspeaktoyouthatmakesyoufeelthisway;it’syour

thoughtsystemthatinterpretsthewordsandgivesthemmeaningtoyou.Overtimeyou(andeveryoneelse)make‘cause-and-effect’relationshipsbetweeneventsandreactionsthatyouconsidernatural.Soinsteadofsayingtoyourself,‘Igetreallydefensiveovernothing,’youwillreactinadefensivewayandthinknothingofit.Everyhumanbeing,nomatterhowwiseorhappysheis,hasatleastsomemade-upcause-and-effectrelationshipsthatshewillcallnormal.Whensomethingupsetsus,itseemslikelytousthatitwouldupsetotherstoo.Ittakesagreatdealofunderstandingandhumilitytorealizethatanupsetcomesfromyourownthinkingandnotfromthethingsyouarethinkingabout.Ittakesagreatdealofwisdomtorealizethatyourconditionedresponsesarejustthat–theyareconditioned,theyarelearned,theyaremadeupfromyourownthinking.

Tocompoundtheproblem,thoughtsystemshaveaverystrong,almostinsidioustendencytovalidatethemselves.Becauseyourthoughtsystemisfilledwithinformationfromyourownpast,itlooksforexamplestoprovetoitselfthatitis‘right’.Let’ssupposethatyougrewupinafamilywhereitwasreadilyacceptedthatpeopleweregenerallyselfish.Yourparentswerealwayspointingoutpeople’sfaults,badhabits,self-centredtendencies,andsoon.Ifthisbeliefwasinyourthoughtsystem,youwouldtendtonoticepeoplepushingandshovinginqueues,stealingfromoneanother,andbeinglessthangiving.If,ontheotherhand,yougrewupinafamilywhereitwastaughtthatpeoplearegenerallykindtooneanother,andthisbeliefwasingrainedinyourthoughtsystem,youwouldhaveanentirelydifferentoutlookonlife.Youwouldtendtonoticethegoodinpeople,thekindthingsthatpeopledoforoneanother,thewaythatpeoplebandtogetheraftertraumaticevents,andsoforth.

NoticethatIusethewordtendindescribingwhatyouseeasaresultofyourthoughtsystem.It’snotthatyouwouldneverseethegoodinpeopleifyouweretaughttoseethebad,orthatyouwouldneverseethebadifyouweretaughttheopposite,it’sjustthatyouwouldbepredisposedtonoticethatwhichyouweretaught.

Whenyoulookatitobjectively,youcanseetheinnocenceinthedevelopmentofathoughtsystem.Youcantraceyourownthoughtsystembackmanygenerationstoyourgreatgreatgrandparents,andwellbeforethem.Inarealsense,youseethatwhichyouweretaughttosee.Overtime,andthroughmanyyearsofvalidationandselectiveperceptionbasedonwhatyouweretaught,youmadeaseriesofconclusionsaboutlife.Thesumtotalofallofyourconclusionscanbecalledyourattitude.

Yourattitudeaboutlifecanbesummarizedasaseriesofthoughtsthatyouhavecometobelieveastruth.Thereisnothingholdingyourattitudeinplace

havecometobelieveastruth.Thereisnothingholdingyourattitudeinplaceotherthanyourownthinking.Yourattitudeisnotinyourgenes.Ifitwere,yourattitudewouldbesimilartoothermembersofyourfamilyinthesamewaythathairoreyecolourusuallyis.Attitudeisnotduetoyourcircumstances.Ifitwere,positiveattitudeswouldbetiedtopositivecircumstancesandnegativeattitudeswouldbetiedtodifficultcircumstances.Weallknowthisisn’tthecase.Therearemanyexamplesofpeoplewholiveinwhatseemtobeeasycircumstanceswhoactasthoughtheyarevictims,andthereareequalnumbersofpeoplewhoappeartohavenothingatall,yetseemtobedelightedbynothingmorethanthegiftoflife.

Becauseoftheself-validatingnatureofyourthoughtsystem,youwillalwaysbetemptedtocontinuethinkinginthewaythatyouareaccustomed.Afterall,youarepredisposedtoacertainwayofthinking.Butbeingpredisposeddoesn’thavetomeanyoufallintothetrap.Therearemanypeoplewhoarepredisposedtobeingoverweightwhoarethin;manywhoarepredisposedtocertainillnesseswhonevergetsick;andthousandswhoarepredisposedtounhappinesswhoarehappy,productivepeople.Onceyouseehowlittlethereisholdingyourthinkinginplace,youcanbegintodistrustyourownthoughts.Yourthoughtsarenotbasedonabsolutetruth;theyarecontaminatedbyyourthoughtsystem–yourindividualversionoflife–inthesamewaythatmythoughtsarecontaminatedbymyindividualversionoflife.

Thedifferencebetweenahappypersonandanunhappypersonlies,toaverylargedegree,intheirhumility.Ahappypersonisabletoadmittohimselfthatthewayheseeslifeisn’tsetinstone.It’snotthatthewayheseeslifehasnomerit,butahappypersonunderstandsthathisattitudeisself-made.Inotherwords,itisbasedsolelyonselectiveperceptionandlearnedexperience.Anunhappyperson,ontheotherhand,isfarmorestubborn.Heiscertainthathisthinkingreallymeanssomethingandheisdeterminedtoproveit.Hewillshowyou(attheexpenseofhisownwell-being)thatlifereallyisasbadashesaysitis.Hewillpointtoendlessexamplestoprovehispositionand,ofcourse,hewillberight.

Becauseyourthoughtsystemissofamiliartoyou,itwillalwaysseemtobegivingyouaccurateinformationaboutthewaylifereallyis.Whenyourthoughtsystemtellsyou,‘Lifeisn’tverygood’oranyotherself-defeatingmessage,itwillseemtobetellingyouthetruth.Ittakesaverystrongandwisepersontodistrusthisownthinking.Thegoodnewsisthatwhenyoustoppayingattentiontoyourthoughtsystem,andwhenyouaren’tusingyourabilitytothinkagainstyourself,youareleftwithyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.Becausehealthyfunctioningisyourmostnaturalstateofmind,allyouhavetodois

healthyfunctioningisyourmostnaturalstateofmind,allyouhavetodoisavoidthementalprocessesthatinterferewithhealthyfunctioning.

Imaginethatyouhadahugecorkatthebottomoftheseaandyouletgoofit.Whatwouldhappen?Thecorkwouldshootstraightup,naturallyrisingtothesurfaceunlesssomethinggotinitsway.Inthecaseofacork,itmightbeseaweed,coral,orrocksthatprohibiteditfromreachingitsfinaldestination.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisjustlikethatcorkexceptthatitresidesatthecentreofyourbeing.Yourhealthyfunctioningwantsnothingmorethantospringtothesurfaceintheformofhighself-esteemandahappylife.Yourhealthyfunctioningwilldojustthatunlesssomethinggetsinitsway–andtheonlypotentialsourceofinterferenceisyournegativethinking.Disregardthenegativethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourselfandyourhealthyfunctioningwillbegintofulfilitsmission.

EgoTheconceptofegoisverycloselyrelatedtothatofathoughtsystem.Botharethought-created.Thetruthisthathumanbeingsdon’tevenhaveegos–thereisnosuchthing.Peopleonlyhaveegosbecausetheythinktheydo.Youregoisyourideaorthoughtsaboutwhoyouare.Thepopularnotionthatpeopleneedanegotoliveandsucceedinlifeisuntrue.Wecanonlybegintoappreciatewhowetrulyarewhenwelessenourneedtoproveourselves.Asweletgoofourthoughtsofwhoweare,ourinsecuritybeginstolift.Itisthenthatwecanbegintoliveoutsideourthoughtsystemorego.Itisthenthatweconnectwithourhealthyfunctioning.

Asapersondropsinsecurethinkingpatterns,hebeginstoexperiencehisnaturalfeelingofself-esteem,thefeelingofgratitudeforwhatweareratherthanwhatwearedoing.Withoutthepressureofhavingtomaintainourego(whowethinkweare),wearemoreabletorelaxandenjoywhateverwehappentobedoingatthemoment.Wefindthatweareabletobetouchedbythelittlethingsinlifethatweusedtooverlook.Wealsobegintonoticethatwefeelthehappiestwhenwethinkaboutourselvestheleastoften.

Don’tbeconcernedthatasyoudropyouregofromyourlifeyouwillbecomepassiveorapathetic,becauseyouwon’t.Infact,justtheoppositewillhappen.Asyoufreeyourselffromthebondageofyourlimitingbeliefstructure,youbecomefarmoreinterestedinlifeandallithastooffer.Droppingyouregoallowsyoutoseenewoptionsandalternativesthatwerepreviouslyinvisible.Forexample,ifyoudroptheideaaboutyourselfthatyouareashyperson,youmightfindthatyoureallydoliketocommunicatewithotherpeople.Aclientofminerecentlydecidedtodojustthis,andshehasjustplannedthefirstpartyshehaseverhosted.Ifyoubegintoignore,evenalittle,thethoughtsyouhaveaboutwhatyoulikeanddon’tlike,youmightbewillingtotrynewthings,gotoaneveningclass,startanexerciseprogramme,eatatanewrestaurant.Itallstartsfromthewillingnesstoseeyourselfasmorethanwhatyouhavedefinedyourselftobe.

Fredisa45-year-oldmanwhosewifediedofcancer.Heenteredtherapybecausehefeltthathehadmourneddeeplyandforalongtimethelossofhiswife,andnowhewantedtofeelhappyagain.Hefoundhistherapistthroughthephonebook.Hewasquicklydiagnosedbyhistherapistas‘chronicallydepressed’.Unfortunately,Freddeeplyrespecteddoctorsandheacceptedthisdiagnosisintheabsolutesenseoftheword.Tohim,‘chronic’meant‘forever’.

diagnosisintheabsolutesenseoftheword.Tohim,‘chronic’meant‘forever’.Hebeganthinkingofhimselfasdepressedandenteredasupportgroupfordepressedpeoplewhowishedtosharetheirexperiences.Fred’snextyearwasverypainful.Hisself-imagewasbuiltonafoundationofthoughtsabouthimselfasdepressed.Helookedforandfoundevidencetosupportthisdiagnosis.Herememberedincidentsfromhispastwhenhehadbeendepressed.Hebecameisolatedfromsocietyandhidhimselfinhishomeforfearthathisdepressionmightgetworse.

ThenFredcametoseeme.Fredhadneverbeentoldthathisownthoughtswereshapinghisviewofhimselfandhisattitudetowardlife.Hisearliertherapyhadconvincedhimthathewasavictimofdepression,whichhewouldhavetofightfortherestofhislife.Hisowninterpretationofhisdiagnosislefthiminlittledoubtthathisdoctorwasright.Themorehethoughtaboutdepressiontheworsehefelt,whichonlyconvincedhimandhistherapistthattheoriginaldiagnosiswascorrect.

Inoursessionstogether,Fredlearnedhowhisthoughtsshapedhisperceptionsandledtohisfeelings.Hequicklycametothecorrectconclusionthathehadbeenfightinganimpossiblebattle.‘HowcouldIeverfeelbetter,’heasked,‘bybelievingmythoughtsaboutmyselfasachronicallydepressedperson?’Herealizedthathehadbeentrappedwithintheconfinesofhisownthinking,yethewasattemptingtousethatsamethinkingtogetawayfromhisdepression.Thiswouldbelikeusingmatchestoputoutafire.

ThissimplerealizationledFredtoaseriesofinsightsintohisownthoughtsystem.Herealizedthathehadbeenusinghisownthinkingagainsthimselfhisentirelifetimeandhadrarelyquestionedhisbeliefs.Herealizedthathehadunknowinglylivedhislifecompletelyabsorbedinthecontentofhisownthoughts.Today,Fredlivesanordinarylifeasahappy,productiveperson.

Eight/ChoicePoints

Lifecanbeseenasacontinuingseriesof‘choicepoints’.Thesumofourdecisionsregardingthedirectionwetakewithourchoicepointswilldetermine,toaverylargeextent,thewaywefeel.

Achoicepointisanisolatedmomentintimewhenyouhaveanopportunitytochoosebetweenyourhealthyfunctioning(thepathofloveandcontentment)andthepathof‘thinkingitthrough’.Thefollowingchartdescribesthetwopaths:

Everytimeathoughtentersyourmind,orsomethinghappensinyourlife,it’sanewopportunityforyou.Doyoutakethepathofhealthyfunctioning,ordoyoutaketheroadofpain?Howareyougoingtorespond?Isitworthgivingupyourmentalhealthandhappinesstofollowapathofpain,ofthinkingitthrough,simplybecauseyouarefamiliarwithit?Thesearetheimportantquestionsthatmustbeaddressedifyouwanttostopfollowingthepaththatultimatelyleadsto

unhappinessanddepression.Let’ssupposeyourfathersayssomethingthatyouwishhehadn’t–thisisa

choicepoint.Yoursinkstartsleakingforthethirdtimethismonth–anotherchoicepoint.Yourspousecriticizesthewayyouhandlethefamilybudget–anotherone.Ineachoftheseexamples,andtensofthousandsofotherslikethem,youhaveamomentinwhichadecisionmustbemade.

Ifyourfathersayssomethingyouwishhehadn’t,youcantakethepathofthinkingitthrough.Youcanthinktoyourself,‘Whydidhesaythattome?’(gettingtothebottomofit)and‘Itmakesmefuriouswhenhedoesthat’(choosinganger).Youcanthendwellonwhathesaid,thinkofallthereasonshesaidit,andallthethingsyouwouldliketosaytohimifyou‘hadtheguts’.Youcangetreallyintoit.Youcantalkaboutit,thinkaboutitsomemore,expressyouranger,figureitout,andeventalktoatherapistabouthowitmakesyoufeel.Isthisroadjustified?Itisifyouwantittobe.Youmust,however,becomeconsciousofexactlywherethisroadisgoingtotakeyou.Theextenttowhichyoufollowthispathwilldeterminejusthowbadyouwillfeel.Thereasonsomanypeoplesticktothispathisbecausetheyknowofnoother.Whentheyareonthispath,theyfeelbad,andbecausetheyfeelbad,itseemsasthoughtheworldiscausingtheirmisery,sotheythinkaboutitsomemore.Thetendencyhereistoimaginethatifyouthinkitthroughthoroughlyenough,youwillsomehowfeelbetter,andaviciouscyclecontinues.Butfeelingbetterisnotapartofthispath.Onthispathyouareputtingyourattentionandenergyontheproblemoronwhatyoudon’tlikeaboutyourlife.Thisisnotasourceofsatisfactioninyourlife.

Idon’tmeantosuggest,however,thatthispathisneverappropriate.Sometimesyoureallydoneedtothinkthingsthrough,analyse,compare,andeven‘gettothebottomofit’.Sometimesitisappropriatetogetangryandexpressyourfeelings.Butthisisnotoftenthewaytogoifwhatyouarelookingforishappiness.

Thepathofhealthyfunctioningisnothingmorethannottakingthepathofthought.Whenyou’reonthepathofhealthyfunctioningyouhaveabuilt-inprotectionagainstdepression–whileknowingexactlywhatwillhappenifyougotheotherway.Choosingthepathofmentalhealthisadecisiontorespondtolifeinawaythatallowsafeelingofhappinesstopermeateyourlife,insteadofreactingtoeverynegativethoughtthatentersyourmind.

Let’sreturnforamomenttoourexampleofyourfathersayingsomethingtoyouthatyouwishhehadn’t.Ifyouweretochoosethepathofhealthy

functioning,thisiswhatyouwoulddo:assoonasyourheadbegantofillupwithnegativethoughtsandquestionsaboutyourfatherandhismotives,youwouldimmediatelyrecognizethatyouwerethinking!Thatrecognitionalonewouldalertyoutothefactthatyouwerenowatriskofusingyourownthinkingagainstyourself.Youwouldbeginmonitoringyourownthinking,notallowingyourheadtofillupwithnegativethoughts.Asnegativethoughtsenteredyourmind,youwoulddismissthem.Youwouldknowthatallowingyourselftofocusonthenegativethoughtswouldonlyhurtyou–itwouldtakeyouawayfromyourhealthyfunctioning.Here’sthebenefittoyou:witheachnegativethoughtthatyoudismissedfromyourmind,anicerfeelingwithinyouwouldtakeitsplace.Asyoufeltbetter,youwouldregainyourperspectiveandyouwouldknowexactlywhattodonext.Youwouldeithertakesomeactionsuchasdiscussingtheissuewithyourfatherwithacalmandlovingattitude,oryouwouldsimplydismisshiscommentsanddecidethatit’sreallynotthatimportant.Thisentireprocessonlytakesasecondanditallstemsfromknowingthatyouhaveachoice.Eachtimeyoupractisethisconsciouschoice-makingyouwillgetbetteratchoosingyourhealthyfunctioning–andyouwilldecidethatfeelinggoodisworththechoice.

YourFeelingsYourfeelingsarewithyou,nottobestudiedanddealtwith,buttoletyouknowthatyouareatanotherchoicepoint.Youcanusethischoicepointasanopportunitytobecomemoreconscious,moreloving,andhappier.Youcanuseittosolidifyyourfaithinyourhealthyfunctioning,oryoucanignorethefactthatyouareatachoicepointandreacttoyourfeelingsasiftheywereyourenemy,somethingtofear.

Yourfeelingsareyourtipoff,yourinternalwarningsignalthatyouareonthewrongpath.Ifyourfeelingisnegative,ittellsyouthatit’stimetoredirectyourenergyandattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioning.Thisiswhereanunderstandingthatyouhavehealthyfunctioningbecomescritical.Ifyouknowthatthereisapartofyourselfthatisneverdepressed,neverunhappy,ever-understanding,andfilledwithcompassiontowardsyourself,itputsyouinapositiontodirectyourenergyandattentiontowardsthatpart.Withoutthisknowledge,findingyourhappinessisalotlikewashingyourclothesindirtywater.Youcan’tfindhappinesswithinyourunhappiness–youmustlookforitinaplacebeyondyourthinkingmind.

Whenyouunderstandthatyouhavechoicepoints,youcanfeelanegativeemotionsuchasanger,butatthesamemomentyoucanbefullyawarethatanotherpartofyourselfwouldprefertorespondwithloveandpeaceinsteadofanger.Whenyoubecomegroundedinthistruth,youwillbegintolookforthisbetterfeelingeveninthemidstofyournegativity.Themorecertainyouarethatyourhealthyfunctioningdoesexist,independentofyourdepression,themorepatientandpersistentyouwillbeinyoursearch.Likeatreeinaforestreachingforsunshine,youwillseekoutapartofyouthatispeaceful.Andwhenyoufindthatpartofyourself,nomatterhowsmallitmaybe,youwillputallofyourattentiononthatfeeling,thusgivingitwhatitneedstogrowanddevelop.

Choicepointafterchoicepointyouwillbecomestrongerandmorecommittedtoyourownhealthyfunctioning.Eachtimeyouchoosehappinessovernegativityyouwillbealittlebitclosertoconqueringyourdepression.Thisisnotaneasypathtotakebecausehabitsarehardtobreak.Butlookatyouroptions–theyarenoteasyeither.Ifinsteadofbecomingawareofyourchoicepointsandchoosingloveovernegativityyoucontinueusingyourthinkingagainstyourself,youwillcontinuetolivealifeofpain.

Everymomentofyourlifeisanotherchoicepoint,anotherforkintheroad.Evenwhenyouarefeelinggood,youareatachoicepoint.Youcould,afterall,makeadifferentchoiceandfocusyourattentiononnegativity.Youprobablywouldn’tdothisintentionally,butyoumightdoitpreciselybecauseyourlifeis

wouldn’tdothisintentionally,butyoumightdoitpreciselybecauseyourlifeisanongoingseriesofchoicepoints.

AnExampleofChoicePointsintheWorkPlaceAnexcellentexampleofhowyoucanusechoicepointsinyourlifecomesfromaclientofminewhocametomeforstressmanagementthatrelatedtoherjob.Shemanagedadivisionofalargecompanyandwasresponsibleforoverseeingtheactivitiesofafewdozenemployees.Theproblemwasthis:everysingledayshewouldbecomeoverwhelmedbythestress.Shewouldreacttoherangryandfrustratedthoughtsandendedupalienatingheremployees.Thishappenedsooftenthatheremployeesactuallybecamefrightenedbythesightofher.Theyfeltdistantandresentful.Productionwasfallingandeveryoneintheofficewasfrustrated.

Whenmyclientlearnedthatherownthinkingwasthesourceofherfrustration,shebegantoseeherchoicepoints.Shelearnedthatshecouldchoosetofollowherangrytrainsofthought,orshecouldrecognizewhatwashappeningandwaitforittopass.Inherownwords,‘Ibegantoseehowoftenangrythoughtswouldfillmyhead.Ilearnedthatinsteadofreactingtothosethoughts,IcouldsimplytakeadeepbreathanddothebestIcouldtoclearmymind.IknewthatifIdidn’tengagemyselfinthethoughtsIwashavingtheywouldbegintodissipate.AsmynegativethoughtsdisappearedIwouldregainmyperspectiveandsenseofwell-beingandeverythingwouldbeOKagain.Tobehonestwithyou,tothisdaysomeofthesamethoughtsIalwayshadstillentermymind–thedifferencenowisthatIknowtheyareonlythoughts.Ihaveadifferentkindofrelationshiptothem.Idon’thavetoreacttothemanymoresimplybecausetheyareinmyhead.’

Myclientlearnedhowtofeelwhenherself-destructivethoughtswereenteringandfillingherhead.Shelearnedtodetectthisfeelingearlierandearliersothattheaccumulationwouldn’tgetveryfar.Sheknewthatherchoicepointwasthatmomentwhenshefirstfeltthenegativityarising.Shecould,ofcourse,choosetoengageherthoughts,whichsomanypeopledo,andbecomemorefrustratedandfurtherloseherperspective,orshecouldtakeabreath,dismissherthoughtsandwaitforamorepeacefulfeelingtoreturn.Needlesstosay,heremployeesnoticedasignificantchange.Theywerenolongerfrightened.Productionwentup,infact,higherthanithadeverbeenbefore.Asimportant,myclientbegantoenjoyherjobandthepeoplesheworkedwithagain.Shealsolearnedthatthesamepracticeappliestoeverypartofherlife,notjusthercareer.

Shelearnedtouseherchoicepointsinherrelationshipswithherhusband,herchildren,andherfriends.

It’simportanttoknowthatmyclientwasnotsweepingproblemsunderthecarpet.Onthecontrary,shewaslearningtodealwithproblemsinamoreproductiveway.Everyonemakesbetterdecisionsandsolvesproblemsmoreefficientlywhentheyarenotimmobilizedbytheirownthinking.Tryitforyourself.Thenexttimeyoufeelyourselfreactingtoyourownthoughts,dismissthem.Clearyourmindandsearchforyourhealthyfunctioning.Don’tworry,theproblemwillstillbethere,butyouwillnoticehowmucheasieritistodealwithanyproblemwhenyouhaveyourbearingsandkeepyourperspective.Manyproblemsthatoncefeltlikeemergencieswillnowseemlikeminorirritations.

Nine/TheThinkingHabit

Whetheryou’retryingtostopdrinkingalcoholorsmokingcigarettes,cuttingbackonyoureating,tryingtoeliminatecoffeeorsugar,orsimplytryingtostopbitingyourfinger-nails,allhabitsarehardtobreak!Butthehabitthatisthemostdifficulttobreak,andthatisthemostharmfultoyouremotionalstate,isperhapsthehabitthatgoesmostunnoticed:thehabitofthinkingnegatively.Youcantieyourhandsbehindyourbacktopreventyourselffrombitingyournails,youcanisolateyourselffromalcoholorcigarettessothattheyarenotavailabletoyou,youcanwithstandafewdaysofheadachesandtirednesstogetawayfromcoffee,butyoucanneverstopthinking!

Asyouhavealreadyseen,thinkingissonaturaltoyouthatit’sveryeasytoforgetthatyouaredoingit.Whenyoustarttorecognizethatyouareactivelythinking,youwillbeshockedathowoftenthecontentofyourthinkingisnegative.Ihavebeentoldbymyownclientsthatoncetheystartedpayingattention,theyfoundthatover90percentoftheirthinkingwasinsomewaynegative.

WhatKindofThinkingIsNegative?Thisisaveryimportantquestionbecausemanypeoplearesousedtothinkingnegativelythattheydon’tevenrealizeit’snegative.Instead,theyassumeit’snormal.Thefactis,however,thatanythinkingthatmakesyoufeellesscontentedthanbeforeyoustartedyourtrainofthoughtcanbeconsiderednegative.Thisincludes,butisbynomeanslimitedto,thoughtsrelatedtohowbadthingsare,thenumberofproblemsleftunsolved,tryingtofigureoutwhysomethingisn’trightorwhysomeonedidsomethingthathurtyouorthatdoesn’tmeetwithyourapproval,anykindofmentalnegativedialogue,andsoon.

Mostofusareusedtoreading,watching,orlisteningtothenewsreportsoftheday.Ourthinkingtendstomimicthesereports.Ourmindsreviewpastandfutureproblems,ourconcernsandworries,andwespeculateabouthowbadthingsreallyare.Obviously,someplanningandreviewareneededforaneffectivelife.Ifyouareconsciousofthefactthatyouareengagedinthesementalactivities,andyouknowthelikelyconsequencesofsuchmentalactivity,youaretoalargedegreeprotectedfromtheirnegativeeffects.Butifyouengageyourselfinthesementalactivitieswithoutrealizingwhatyouaredoingto

yourselfinthesementalactivitieswithoutrealizingwhatyouaredoingtoyourself,youaregoingtobeatthemercyofyourownthinking.Becausethistypeofthinkingisnegative,yourspiritswillcontinuetodroporremainlow.Onceyouunderstandandareabletowitnessthisdynamicinaction,youcanthenchoosewhichtrainsofthoughttofollowandwhichonestoignore.Youwillcreateanewhabitofthinkingonlyaboutthosethingsthataretrulyusefulandyouwilllearntoignoretheothers.

Thistypeofselectivethinkingisnotdenial,norisitapathy.Denialmeanspretending,andyouarenotpretendinganything.Youareacknowledgingtheproblemsintheworldandtheproblemsinyourownlife.Youaresimplychoosingnottodwellonthenegativethoughtsyouhaveaboutlifebecauseyouknowwhatwillhappenifyoudo.

Yourexperienceoflifeisdirectlyrelatedtowhereyouchoosetofocusyourattention.Ifyoufocusonyourthoughtsofproblems,yourexperienceoflifewillconsistmainlyofproblems.Asyoulearntomoveyourfocusofattentionawayfromtheproblems.andwrongsoftheworldandyourlife,youwillfindyourselfnoticingmorebeautyandkindness.Thisisexactlywhatsmallchildrendoonaregularbasis.Theyliveinthesameworldthatadultsdo,it’sjustthattheynoticedifferentaspectsoflife.Theyseehumour,compassion,andopportunities.

YouCanChooseLoveInsteadofFearAsIexplainedinchapter8,eachtimenegative,pessimistic,orscepticalthoughtsenteryourmind,youareatanewchoicepointinyourlife.Youcanchoosetofollowyournegativetrainofthought(yournegativeinternaldialogue)asyouhavedoneinthepast.Thisisthepaththatmanypeopletake,mostofthetime.Italwaysseemslikeareasonablethingtodobecauseithappenssoquicklyandbecauseitissofamiliartoyou.Infact,asyouhavealreadyseen,rarelydoyouevenknowtheinternaldialogueisgoingon.Anexampleofthiswouldbethefollowing.Aseriesofthoughtsentersyourmindabouthowangryyourparents(boss,children,spouse)aregoingtobewithyoubecauseofsomethingyouhavedone.Youplayitoutinyourheadanditmakesyouangry.Inyourmind,youstarttojustifyyourpositiontoyourparent(orwhomever)and,again,youplayitouttosomeconclusion.Ofcourse,asyoudothis,youarefeelingthenegativeeffectsofyourthinkingwithoutevenknowingthatyourthinkingiscausingyouharm.Theusualresponsetothisself-inducedpainistoblameyourlifeandthepeopleinitforthedissatisfactionyouarefeeling.

Thereisanotherway.Yourchoicepointisthatmomentwhenyourinternaldialoguebegan.Youhadabriefmomenttodecide,‘DoIfollowthistrainof

dialoguebegan.Youhadabriefmomenttodecide,‘DoIfollowthistrainofthought,ordoIchoosetostayinafeelingoflove?’

Whatdoesitmeanto‘chooselove’?Thismeansthatyoudecidethatfeelingpeaceandcontentmentismoreimportanttoyouthanbeingright.Itmeansinstantresolutionratherthanongoingstruggle.Itmeansfeelinghappyinsteadoffeelingfrustrated.Choosingtofollowthepathoflovemeansyouunderstandthatthesimple,peacefulfeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioningisenoughforyou–itrepresentseverythingyouultimatelywantinyourlife.Lifedoesn’tgetanybetterthanthesimpleexperienceofyourownmentalhealth.Theonlyrationaleforchoosingtofollowanegativetrainofthoughtwouldbesomemisconceptiononyourpartthatdoingsowouldbringyousomesortofsatisfaction.Itwon’t!Thesatisfactionyouarelookingforisavailabletoyouonlywhenyouconsciouslydecidethatyouwantpeaceofmindatthatmomentandthatyouarewillingtogiveupthethoughtsthatkeepyoufromit.Theonlythingyouhavetodotodiscoveryourhealthyfunctioningistodropthethinkingthatisgettingintheway.

Choosingloveisnotdenial.Whatareyoudenyingotherthanthesourceofyourownpain?Nothing.Youareconsciouslydecidingnottofeedtheonlyfuelyourpainhastoeat.Whenyoustopfeedingyournegativethinking,youremotionalpaindisappears,andwiththedisappearancecomesanewfeelingwithinyou,thefeelingofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning,thefeelingoflove.Whenyouchooseloveinsteadoffear,youwillstopfightingyourownthinkingandyouwillfeelgoodagain.Sometimesitwillseemeasiertofollowyourbadfeelingsthantofindthegoodones.Nevertheless,youcanchoosetolookfor,andstaywith,thedeeper,morepositivefeelingsthatexistwithinyou.

Thisconsciouschoosingisverypractical–butitisn’talwayseasy.Itdoesn’tjusthappen–youhavetomakeithappen.Youhavetowantittohappenmorethanyouwanttofollowthoseseductivetrainsofthoughtthataresofamiliartoyou.Thegoodnewsisthatthisisallyouhavetodo!Onceyoumakethisdecisionandmakeitatoppriorityinyourlife,therestwillfallintoplace.

Oneoftheniceby-productsofconsciouslychoosingloveinsteadoffearisthattherecurringissuesinyourlifebegintoresolvethemselves.Eachtimeyouhaveanopportunitytochooseloveinsteadoffear–andyoumakethatchoice–youarefeedinganewkindofenergyinyourlife,apositiveandlovingkindofenergy.

Followingeverynegativetrainofthoughtthatentersyourmindisthe‘old’energyyouarereplacing.Thisoldenergy,filledwithnegativity,iswhatkepttheissuesinplaceforsolong.Howareyougoingtoavoidhavingargumentswithyourparent,spouse,child,orbossifyourmindisfilledwithnegativity?You

yourparent,spouse,child,orbossifyourmindisfilledwithnegativity?Youwon’t.Insteadyouwillplayouttheproblemsandconflictsinyourmind,thenmanifesttheminyourlife.Ifyouarelikemostpeople,youwillbefrustratedbecausethesamethingswillkeephappeningtoyou.Thisisthecyclethatneedstobebroken.Thewaytobreakitistoseethechoicepointsinyourlifeandthenfollowthepathtowardsyourhealthyfunctioning.

Janiewasintroducedtotheconceptofchoicepointstheveryfirsttimeshevisitedmyoffice.Herhusbandwasaworkaholicwhohadlittletimeorenergyleftforher.Janiewasangryandresentful,andfeltjustifiedinherfeelings.Oneofthefirstthingsshetoldmewas,‘Anyoneinmysituationwouldbeequallyupset.’

Priortocomingtoseeme,Janiethoughtthebestwaytoovercomehernegativefeelingswastotalktosomeoneaboutthem.Almosteverydayshewouldmeetafriendforlunchtotalkaboutherfrustrations.And,likeclockwork,everydayshewouldfinishlunchfeelingresentful.

Janiediscoveredsomethingsurprising.Theonlytimesshewasreallyupsetaboutherhusbandwerethetimesshewasactivelythinkingabouthislonghours.Shehadassumedthatshewasalwaysupsetbecausewhenevertheissuecametohermind,itmadeherangry.Forthemostpart,however,shewastooinvolvedinherownlifetobeconcernedaboutherhusband’sschedule.Shehadacareerofherown.Shealsoenjoyedexercisingatahealthclubaswellasvolunteeringforalocalorganization.Forthemostpart,whileshewasinvolvedinherdailyactivities,shewasquitecontent.

Janielearnedthatwhenthoughtsofherhusband’soverworkingcametohermind,shewasataveryimportantchoicepoint.Onedirection,thinkingabouthislonghoursandhowworkalwayscamefirst,wouldtakeherstraighttowardsherresentfulfeelings.Themoreresentfulshefelt,themoreshewouldanalysehowhisscheduleaffectedherlife,whichwouldsendherintoatailspinoffrustration.Theotherdirection,thedirectionofwarmlovingfeelings,wouldleadherstraighttowardsgratitude.Takingthisdirectioninvolvedrecognizingshewasbeginningtothinknegativelytowardsherhusband,knowingwhatwouldhappenifsheweretocontinue,andchoosingtodropherthoughtsabouttheissue.Shequicklylearnedthatfeelingwarmtowardsherhusbandeveninhisabsence,greatlyimprovedthequalityofherlife.

Interestinglyenough,Janiewasabletotakeherunderstandingandimplementit,notonlyduringtheday,butalsowhenshewaswithherhusband.

Shefoundthatsheappreciatedthetimeshedidhavewithhimfarmorethansheusedto.Herhusbandrespondedbeautifullytoherwarmingfeelingandthetwoofthemarespendingfarmoretimetogetherthantheyeverhave.Youhavehundredsofchoicepointseveryday.Infact,youareatachoicepointrightnow,thisverymoment,asyoureadthissentence.Doyoufollowyourscepticalthoughtslike,‘Thiscan’twork,’ordoyouusethischoicepointtoyouradvantage,togrowandtochangeandtobecomehappier?Withintention,youcandetectyourownscepticalthoughtsastheyform,andsimplydropthem,comingbacktoyourhealthyfunctioning.Thismomentcanbeanewbeginningforyou.Choosethepathofloveinsteadofthepathoffearandyourlifewillbegintochangerightnow!

HowCanYouTellHowMuchofYourOwnThinkingIsNegative?Startbysittinginachairandclosingyoureyes.Clearyourmindasmuchasyoucan.Sitquietlyforafewminutesandsimplypayattentiontowhatcomestoyourmind.

Startpayingattentiontowhatyouarethinkingaboutduringvarioustimesoftheday–whenyouwakeup,whileyouareeating,brushingyourteeth,gettingreadytogoout,sittingalone,drivingyourcar,orridingonthebus,whileyouarewalking,rightnow,andsoon.

Youareundoubtedlygoingtobesurprisedathowoftensomeformofnegativitycomestoyourmind.Youwillprobablythinkofproblems,concerns,thingsthatneedtobedonethatyoureallydon’twanttodo,thingsthatmighthappen,thingsthatmightnothappen,thingsthatshouldn’thappen,thingsthatdidhappenthatyouwishhadn’thappened,thingsyoushouldhavesaid,wantedtosay,didn’twanttosay,thingsthatotherpeoplesaidthatbotheredyou,thingsthatotherpeopledidthatbotheredyou,peoplewhodidn’tactasyouthoughttheyshould,andonandonandon!

Asyoubegintotakenoteofwhatyouthinkaboutalldaylong,pleasebeeasyonyourself.AsIsaid,thinkinginthiswayisahabit.Likeallhabits,itwasn’tformedovernight.Ittookyearstodevelopanditmaytakealittletimetobreak.

Iamnotsuggestingthatit’sneverappropriatetothinknegativelyorthatit’sneverOKtowhineorcomplain–youcertainlyhavethatright,andalittleisn’tgoingtokillyou.WhatIamsuggestingisthatmostpeople–probablyyourselfincluded–spendanexorbitantamountoftimeengagedinnegativethinking

included–spendanexorbitantamountoftimeengagedinnegativethinkingwithoutevenrealizingit.Youhaveagreatdealofinternaldialoguegoingoninyourmindthatdoesn’tseemlikeanythingatallbecauseyouaresoaccustomedtoit–andforthisreasonit’shardtostop.Also,it’shumannaturetowanttoimproveyourlife.Aslongasyourlifeisn’tperfect,youranalyticalmindandyouregowillalwaysbesearchingforwaysthatyoucanimprove.Yourthinkingmindwillconstantlyremindyouthatyouaren’tgoodenough.Nomatterhowhardyoutry,youregowillneverbesatisfiedwithwhatyoucomeupwith.

Obviously,thecircumstancesinyourlifewillneverbeperfect,soifyoubelievethatthinkingaboutwaystoimproveyourlifeisagooddeal,youwillspendtherestofyourlifedoingso.Manypeoplefollowthispath.Theyhaveconversationswithintheirownheadsthatseem,onthesurface,toberesolvingvariousissues,whileinrealitynothingchanges.

Ifyoucanbecomeconsciousofthefactthatyouengageinthisnegativeinternaldialogue,andyoucanwakeuptothefactthatyouaredoingitwhileyouaredoingit,andyouknowthatyouareharmingyourself,youwillbeprotected.Thisisaverypowerfulsecrettobecomingahappierperson.Ihaveworkedwithhundredsofhappypeople.Everysingleoneofthemagreesthatbecomingawareofandlearningtoturnofftheirinternaldialoguewasamajorfactorintheirdevelopmentintohappypeople.Don’tallowyourowninternaldialoguetorun(andruin)yourlife.Turnitoff,oratleastredirectitalongamorepositiveroute.Remindyourselffrequentlytodropyournegativethinking.Whennegativethoughtsfillyourhead,letthemgo.Allowthemtodriftawayknowingtheyaren’timportant.Don’tfocusonthem–saytoyourself,‘It’snotworthit.’Restassuredthatyourinternaldialogueishurtingnooneexceptyourself.Onceyouunderstandtherootcauseofyournegativefeelings–wheretheycomefromandwhatholdstheminplace–andmakethecommitmenttocatchyourselfintheact,therestwillfallintoplace.Youwilllearntotapintoanicerfeelingwithinyourselfwhichwillmakeyourliferunsmoothly.Asyourmindquietensdown,thepanicandhurrywillfadeaway.Answersthatyouhavealwayssearchedforwillbeasprevalentasthequestionsusedtobe.

Tofreeyourselffromunhappinessyoumustunderstandthatyournegativethinking–nothingelse–isthecauseofyournegativefeelings.Withoutthenegativethoughtstherewouldbenothingtomakeyoufeelbad.

Now,thisveryinstant,stopreadingandtakenoticeofhowyouarefeeling!Justpauseforaminuteandseehowyouarefeeling.Ifyourmindisquieterthanitusuallyis,noticethequiet.Noticehowgooditfeels.OK,nowreadon.

Didyounoticeadifferenceinhowyoufelt?Didyounoticeyourmindtobe

alittlequieter?Ifyoudid,youweretappingintoyourownhealthyfunctioning.Ordidyouthinktoyourself,asyoureadthelastsentence,somethinglike,‘It’smorecomplicatedthanthat’?Ifyoudid,rememberitwasthatthoughtandnothingelsethatmadeyoufeellessthanOK.Ifyouhadn’thadthatthoughtyouwouldbefeelingdifferentrightnow.Ifyouunderstandwhatyouarereading,youwillbeabletostartcatchingyourselfthinkingyourwayintoanunhappyordepressedstate.Theveryfirsttimeyounoticethethoughtsthatarepullingyouawayfromyourhealthyfunctioning,andyouletthemgoinsteadoffocusingonthem,youwillnoticethequieterfeelingwithinyou.Youwillbeonyourwaytoalifewithoutdepression.You’llseehowmuchpoweryouhaveoverthewayyoufeel.You’llfeelthepowerofyourownhealthyfunctioning.

Someofthementalprocessesthatyouhavebeenengagingin,priortonow,canbedescribedaswell-practisedmentalmistakes.Ifyoustopengagingintheseprocessesyoucanopenthedoortoanewfeelingofcontentment.Thisnewfeelingistheoneyouhavebeenlookingandhopingfor.Youcanaccessthisfeelingbylettinggoofthethoughtsthatareinterferingwithorcoveringupyourhealthyfunctioning.

Evenifyouunderstandandagreewithwhatyouarereading,youwillstillhavedifficultybreakingthehabitofnegativethinking.Thereason,again,isthatyouaresousedtothinkingincertainwaysthatyouwon’tevenrealizeyouarethinkingnegatively.Yourthinkinghappenssoautomaticallythatit’sgoingtotakesometimetocreateanewhabitofnotthinkingnegatively.

TheAccumulationFactorIt’seasytoallowyourselftobecomediscouragedorscepticalifyoudon’tnoticeaninstantconnectionbetweenwhatyouarethinkingandhowyouarefeeling–forexample,ifyousaytoyourself,‘Iamhappy,’thenimmediatelyafterthatyousaytoyourself,‘There,Ihadapositivethought.Nowwhydon’tIfeelhappy?’

Twofactorsexplainwhyyoudon’talwaysfeelanimmediatecorrespondingpositiveemotiontoeverypositivethought.First,takealookatthethoughtthatfollowedthepositivethought:immediatelyafteryourpositivethoughtyouhadascepticalthought.Hereisyourhabitcomingintoplay.Yougiveyourselfplentyoftimefornegativity,onandoffthroughouttheday,butonceyouhaveapositivethought,youimmediatelysabotageitwithanegativeone.It’strickybecauseitallhappenssoquickly.It’simportanttorealizethatifyoudidn’thavethenegativityafterthepositivethinkingyouwouldfeelgood.

Thesecondfactorthatpreventsyoufromfeelinggoodimmediatelyafteryouthinkpositivelyisequallyimportant.Icallthisthe‘accumulationfactor’.Itsuggeststhatyouaccumulatenegativityinyourmindthroughouttheday,andthroughoutyourlifetime.Becauseofthevastnegativitythathasaccumulatedinyourmind,eventuallyyouhaveanegativethoughtthat‘breaksthecamel’sback’.It’snotanyonethoughtthatdoesyouin,it’stheaccumulationthatbuildsupovertime.

Ifyouweretoeliminate90to95percentoftheuselessaccumulationofnegativethoughtsthatyouhave,thesamethoughtsthatnowsendyouspinningintoadepressedstatewouldhavelittle,ifany,impactonyou.Almostnosinglethoughtisgoingtohavethatmuchpoweroveryou,butwithhundreds,oreventhousands,ofaccumulatednegativethoughtspassingthroughyourmind,it’sjustamatteroftimebeforeyoucan’thandlethemanylongerandunhappinessordepressionsetsin.Setagoalforyourselfofeliminatingascloseto100percentofyourdailynegativityaspossible.Thecloseryougettoreachingthisgoal,thelessimpacteachindividualnegativethoughtisgoingtohaveonyouremotionalwell-being.

Sometimesitcanbehelpful,especiallyatfirst,ifyoukeepalogofyourprogress.Obviouslyyouwillnevercatchyourselfallthetimeyouarethinkingnegatively,because,asyouhaveseen,theproblemisthatmostofyournegativitygoesunnoticed.Keepingalog,however,canhelpyoustayfocusedonyourgoal.Youcankeepthelogverygeneral.Forexample,youmightmakeverygeneralinsertionsthreetimesaday,somethinglike:‘ThismorningIstayed

awayfromnegativityverywell.’Thenafterlunchyoumightinsert,‘Becareful,Iwasgettingcarriedawayagain,’andsoforth.Alogcanserveasaconstantreminderofwhatyouaretryingtodo.Itcankeepyour‘accumulatedtotals’toaminimum.

HowDoIBreakMyHabitofNegativeThinking?TherearetwowaysthatIknowoftoensurethatyoubreakyourhabitofnegativethinking.Thefirstistotellafriend,orevenapaidconsultant,tomonitorwhatyousayforatleasttwodays.Askhimorhertointerpretandstopyoueverytimeyoufallintoyouroldpattern.Tellhimthatyoudon’twanthimtoletyousayanythingnegativeorself-defeating;no‘Ihavearighttobeupset,’no‘You’llneverguesswhathappenedtometoday’(ifitwasbad),no‘Inevershouldhavedonethat,’oranyoftheliterallythousandsofotherself-defeatingpossibilities.Youcan’taffordtobetooselectiveinwhatyoucutout,especiallyatfirst.Thebestwaytoeliminatethenegativethinkinginyourlifeistostrivetoeliminateitaltogether.Theideahereistobreaktheoldhabitofnegativethinkingandreplaceitwithanewhabitofignoringyournegativethinking.Youmaybeverysurprisedathowoftenyouwillbeinterrupted.Don’ttakeitpersonallyandtrytomaintainasenseofhumouraboutit.Yourfriendorconsultantisthereonlytohelpyou.Onceyoubreakthehabit,youcangobacktoyournormallifeandthingswillbedifferent.Youwillstillengageyourmindinnegativityfromtimetotime,butyourexperienceofthenegativitywillbeverydifferent.Believeitornot,itwillseemworse.That’sright,worse.Infact,onceyourownnegativethinkingseemsworsethanitusedto,you’reonyourwaytorecovery,becauseyouwillhavetransformedahabit.Somethingthatyouhavealwaysassumedwasperfectlynormal,necessary,andhealthywillnowsoundlikeaherdofbuffalorunningthroughyourhead.Youwillfeelthedifference.Asyourownnegativethinkingbeginstosoundloudandobnoxious,youwillbelessandlessinterestedincontinuing.Theresultisthatyouwillbegintoturnoffthethinkingyoutookforgrantedforsolong.AsIsaidearlier,avoidingfocusingonyournegativethinkingisnotdenial.It’ssmart!Youaren’tdenyingthatyouarehavingthethoughts,youaresimplytrainingyourmindtoignorewhatyoudon’twant.Aslessandlessenergyisspentonnegativethoughts,youwillfindthattherearefewerandfewernegativethoughtsdemandingyourattention.

Thesecondwaytobreakthehabitofnegativethinkingisperhapseven

simpler,butwilltakemoredisciplineonyourpart.Youwillhavetodothisonebyyourself.Youwillneedalargeindexcardonwhichyoushouldwrite‘WhatamIthinkingnow?’Writethesewordsinbig,boldlettersandcarrythecardwithyoueverywhereyougoforatleastonemonth.Asoftenaspossible,everyfewminutesifyoucan,lookatthecard.Iknowitsoundstediousandevenchildish–insomewaysitis–butitworks!Youwillstarttoseehowoftenyousabotageyourselfwithnegativity,andyouwillbeabletostopdoingit.Theideabehindbothoftheseexercisesisidentical.Youareattemptingtobreakanoldhabit–thatdoesn’tseemlikeahabit.Negativethinkingmayseemnormaltomostpeople,butitdoesn’thavetobeforyou.

WhatDoIThinkInstead?Manypeoplearefrightenedofwhatwillhappeniftheystopthinkingnegatively,becausetheyareusedtoit.Whatwillyouthinkinstead?Theanswertothisquestionisverysimple:itdoesn’tmatter.Thisisnotaglibanswer.Asyoucatchyourselfthinkingnegatively,andconsciouslysetouttostopdoingit,youwillfindthatyourmindwillbemuchclearerandfreerthaniteverhasbeenbefore.Morecreativethoughtswillnaturallyreplacetheoldones.Youwillbeamuchmoredynamicperson.Youwillseemfreshandnew,inspiredanduplifted.Thelastthingintheworldyouwillhavetoworryaboutisnothavingenoughtothinkabout!

Theonlywordtodescribewhatwillhappentoyouifyoustopthinkingnegativelyisamazing.Intheabsenceofnegativethinkingyouwillfeellikeanewperson.Yourhealthyfunctioningwilltakeoveryourlife.Yourthoughtswillbedifferent,yourattitudewillbedifferent,andmostofall,thewayyoufeelwillbedifferent.Youwillfeelgoodagain.Thereissimplynowaytofeelbadifyouaren’tthinkingbadandifyouareincontrolofwhatyouarethinking.

Beforeyougoonreading,tryitrightnow.Letyourthoughtsflow.Ifanyformofnegativityentersyourmind,letitpassby.Don’tgiveitthetimeofday.Remainuninterestedinthenegativity.Putyourattentiononyourhealthyfunctioning.Howareyoufeeling?

Theanswertothisquestionisentirelydependentonthewayyouarethinking.Ifyouarethinkinghopefulandpositivethoughts,thatisthewayyouwillbefeeling;ifyouarethinkingnegative,pessimisticthoughts,youwillbefeelingthatway.

Thebottomlineisthis:youbecomewhatyouthinkaboutalldaylong.Doyouwanttothinkaboutmisery,pain,andproblems,ordoyouwanttothink

youwanttothinkaboutmisery,pain,andproblems,ordoyouwanttothinkaboutlove,kindness,hope,andpotential?Theanswertothisquestionwill,toalargeextent,determinehowyouaregoingtofeel.Giveitatry.Itcanworkforyou.Youcanfeelgoodagain!

Ten/Moods

Oneofthemostundeniablefactsabouthumanbeingsisthateachofushaswhatarereferredtoas‘moods’.Therehasneverbeen,norwillthereeverbe,apersonwhodoesn’texperiencetheupsanddownsofmoods.Eventhehappiestpersonisn’timmunetothem.Yourmoodsgreatlyaffectyourawarenessofthefactthatyouarepotentiallyhurtingyourselfwithyourownthinking.Yourmoodlevelalsoaffectswhatyouthinkabout,aswellasyourabilitytorealizethatyouareatachoicepoint.Understandingthenatureandthedeceptivepowerofyourmoodswillhelpyoueaseratherthanfightyourwayoutofanunhappystateofmind.

Moodsarelikethetidesofthesea.Theyareconstantlychangingandshifting.Sometimesmoodsareveryhigh,sometimestheyareverylow,andsometimestheyaresomewhereinbetween.Andalthoughitmaynotseemlikeitwhenyouarefeelinglow,yourmoodsarealwayschanging,althoughperhapsonlyalittleatatime.

Evenifyouhavebeendepressedforalongtime,youcanprobablyrememberwhatagoodmoodfeelslike.Ifyoucan’tremember,hereisareminder:inhighmoodslifefeelsgoodandhappy,light-hearted,easy,fun,rewarding,simpleandcare-free.Inhighmoodsyouexperienceyourgreatestwisdomandcommonsense,andyoucansolveproblemsandmakedecisionsinarelaxedfashion.Whenyouareinahighmoodyouhaveasenseofgratitudeforyourlife,youappreciatethepeopleclosetoyou,youareeasilysatisfied,andyoudon’ttakethingspersonally.

Whenyouareinalowmoodlifeappearstobejusttheopposite.Everythingseemsveryseriousanddifficult.Theslightestannoyancecausesgreatfrustration.Inlowmoodswelosevirtuallyallofourcommonsense.Wetakethingspersonallyandthereisanunderlyingsenseofurgencyanddespair.

Yourexperienceinalowmoodisexactlythesameasyourexperienceinadepression.Infact,exceptforthedurationofthemood,thetwoareessentiallyidentical.Depressionisnothingmorethanaprolongedandpainfullowmood.

Anextremelyimportantquestiontoponderiswhydomoodscomeandgoformostpeople,whiletheyhangonintheformofanegativefeelingstateordepressionforothers?Theansweristhatsomepeoplehavecertainmentalhabitsthattheytendtopractiseinlowmoods,withoutrealizingthattheyareexercisingthem,orthattheyarecausinganyproblems.Unfortunately,ifyouperpetuatetheseprocesseswhileyouareinalowmood,youwillremainlow.

Toescapeanegativestateofmind,youmustbegintorecognizewhenyou

Toescapeanegativestateofmind,youmustbegintorecognizewhenyouareinalowmoodandtoavoidtheprocessesthatwillkeepyouthere.Ifyoulearntodothis,youwillfindyourselfgoingupanddownlikeeveryoneelse,ratherthanremainingdowninthedumps.

WhatHappenstoYourThinkingWhenYouAreinaLowMood?Thequalityofyourthinkingsuffersgreatlywhenyouareinalowmood.Whenyoufeelbad,itisabsolutelypredictablethatyouwillthinkinanegativeway.Theloweryourmood,themoreintensewillbeyournegativethoughts.Thethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourlifewhenyouareexperiencingalowmoodwillbeverydifferentfromthethoughtsyouwillhavewhenyouareexperiencingahighermood.PerhapstheeasiestwaytounderstandthisideaistocomparethefollowingtwoconversationsIhadwiththesameperson.Theseconversationsweretapedontwoconsecutivedayswithaclientinmystress-managementpractice.(Heknewhewasbeingtaped.)

Day1–LowMoodThinkingTherapist:‘Howareyou?’Client:‘Terrible,almostunbearable.’Therapist: ‘I read in the business sectionof the paper that your companywas

doingquitewell.’Client: ‘You’d never know it the way they treat us. There’s no job security

anyway.Ihatemyjob.’Therapist:‘Didn’tyouusedtolikeyourjob?’Client:‘NotthatIremember.HowcouldI,anyway?’

Day2–HigherMoodThinkingTherapist:‘Howareyou?’Client:‘Fine,howareyou?’Therapist:‘Great,thanks.Mywifeisexpectinganotherbabysoon.We’rereally

excited.’Client:‘That’snice,Ireallylikebabies.’Therapist: ‘By the way, I saw another article in the paper today about your

company.Seems theyaredonatingsomemoney to thehungry thisholidayseason.’

Client:‘Yeah,I’mapartofthatprogramme.We’redivertingasmallpercentageofpre-taxprofittoalocalsocial-servicesagency.’

Therapist:‘Soundsrewarding.’Client:‘Yeah,itis.’

Thisisanexampleofthepowerofmoods.Believeitornot,thesetypesofconversationsareverycommon,notjustinaprofessionalsetting,butineverydaylife.Doesn’titseemasifentirelydifferentpeoplearetalking?It’sbecausethispersonisseeingandexperiencinglifedifferentlyindifferentmoods.Inlowmoods,yourownthinkingisalwaysdarkandpessimistic.Ifyoulookintoyourpastwhenyouarelowyouwillseeapainfulpast,yourlifewillseemtohavebeenawaste.Ifyoulooktowardsthefuture,yourlifewillappearhopeless.Interestingly,however,whenyoulooktoyourpastwhenyourmoodishigher,itappearsfarhappierthanitdidinalowermood.Thesameistruewithregardtoyourfuture.Thehigherthemood,themorehopefulitappears.

ThereasonItapedmyclient’sconversationswastoshowhimthedelusionaryqualityofhisownmoods,toshowhimfirsthandhowhislowmoodsdistorthisvisionoflife.Intermsofescapingunhappiness,theimportantpointhereissimple:thenegativethoughtsthatfillyourmindinalowmoodarethecauseofyoursuffering–andthosethoughtsalmostalwayscontaingrossdistortions.Althoughthethoughtsyouhavewhileinalowmoodseemvalidtoyou,theyaren’t.Theyarealmostalwaysirrationalanddistorted.Whenyoustarttoseetheinevitabilityofnegativethinkingwhenyoufeelbad,youcanbegintodistrustandignorewhatyouarethinkinginthesamewaythatyouwouldignoreamirageinadesert.Whenmyclientlistenedtohisownvoiceitbecameveryobvioustohim:‘Wow,’hesaid,inasomewhatshockedtone.‘Ican’tbelievethatwasme.’Farmoreimportant,however,wasthefactthathecouldnowsee,forthefirsttime,thathisthinkinginhislowmoodswasandalwayshadbeen‘pathetic’(hisword).Herealizedthattobelievehisownthinkingwhenhewasinalowstatewas‘crazy’,aself-writtenprescriptionforpainandsuffering.Whenheislow,hesimplycan’tseelifeclearly.Hisvisionoflifeisdistorted,andhe’sfarbetteroffclearinghismindandturningoffhisthinking.

Whatmakesunderstandingmoodssodifficultisthateverytimeyouarelow,youwillfeeljustifiedandcertainthatthewayyouarefeelingisappropriateandnecessary.Youwillfeelasenseofurgencyandself-righteousnessandyouwillwantsobadlytobelieveinwhatyouarethinking.Theonlywayoutistoseetheabsoluteabsurdityofbelievinginwhatyouarethinkingandfeelingwhenyouarelow,andthenmakingacommitmenttoyourselftoignoreyourownthoughts

arelow,andthenmakingacommitmenttoyourselftoignoreyourownthoughtswheneveryoufindyourselfinsuchastate.Youmustunderstandthatyourthoughts,inalow-feelingstate,arenotworthpayingattentionto.Theycanonlyhurtyousincetheycontainonlygrossdistortions.Onceyouareconvincedofthis,youwillseetheapplicationtoyourlife.Youwillknowthatlifewillalwayslookbetterlaterifyouletitalone,fornow.

Ifyouareunconvinced,startkeepingtrackofthepeopleyouknow.Askthemquestionswhentheyarelowandkeeptrackoftheiranswers.Seehowwelltheysolveproblems,howclearlytheythink,howmuchsensetheymake,andhowmuchloveandappreciationtheyhavefortheirfamilyandfriends.Thencomparetheirlow-moodlivingtotheirhigh-moodliving.Thenexttimetheyarefeelingbetter,evenifit’sonlyalittlebetter,askthemthesamequestions.Whatyouwilldiscovermaybeshockingtoyou.Youwillseethatyouhavetwodifferentfriends–DrJekyllandMrHyde!

Thereasonitmaynothaveseemedpossibletoescapeunhappinessuntilnowisthatyouhaven’tunderstoodtheoriginandcauseofunhappiness.Withoutunderstandingthecause,it’slikelythatyouhavebeenengaginginactivitiesthathaveaddedfueltothefire–primarilylow-moodthinkingandlotsofit.

Oneofthemajorproblemswithlowmoodsisthattheyalwaysseemasthoughtheywilllastforever.It’salotlikebeinginadarkcaveandnotbeingabletoseeanylight–it’sfrightening.Ifyouhavebeeninaparticularcave,however,fivehundredtimes,eventhoughyoucan’tseethelight,youknowthatitisthere,andyouwillhavenoreasontopanic.Youknowthatit’sjustamatteroftimebeforeyoufindthelight.

Theprocessofwaitingoutalowmoodisnodifferentfromtryingtofindyourwayoutofacave.Nomatterhowmanytimesyou’vebeentherebefore,itseemsthatthisistheworstoneeverandthatyouarejustifiedinbeingupset.Italwaysseemsthatthisonewilllastforever.Butitwon’t.Ifyouknowwhat’shappeningwhileit’shappening,youareprotectedfromtheeffectsofyourmood.There’snothingtofear.Thelightisjustaroundthecorneraslongasyoudon’tpanicandaslongasyouwalkintherightdirection.Havingfaiththatyourlowmoodwillliftislikehavingfaiththatthetrickmirroryouarelookingintoattheamusementparkisn’tgivingyouaclearvisionofreality.Bothareillusions.Onceyouknowthatwhatyouarefeelingisnothingmorethananillusion,youwon’tletyourmindspiralyoufurtherintounhappiness.

Lowmoodsreallyaren’taprobleminandofthemselves.Ofcoursethey’redifficult,andnoonelikesthem,buttheycan’tharmyouifyouknowwhat’s

goingon.Therealproblemisthethinkingandthementalactivitythataccompanythelowmood.Whenyouareinalowmood,yourthoughtsaregoingtobenegative,insecure,andpessimistic.Yourlifeandeverythinginitwilllookbad.Youwillalwaysbeabletocomeupwithmanyreasonswhyyoufeelsobadandtheoriestosupportandjustifyyourmisery.Nomatterwhatyoucomeupwith,regardlessofhowaccurateyouare,orhowbadthingslook,itcanonlyhurtyou.Why?Becausethereasonsthemselves(thethinkingaboutit)fuelthelowmood.Withoutthereason,themoodwouldpassonitsown.Onceyouintroduceareason,however,yourlowmoodcan’tpass,becauseyouhaveinjectedfueltokeepitgoing.Themoreyouthinkaboutit,theworseitwillseem.

Ignoringthenegativethoughtsyouhavewhileyouareinalowmoodisnotdenial,norisitdangerousorirresponsible.Yourproblems,iftheyarereal,willstillbetherewhenyourmoodgoesup.Theonlydifferencewillbethatyouwillbemoreequippedtosolvethem.Whenyouarelow,whatkindsofanswersdoyourealisticallythinkyouwillcomeupwith?Futileanswers,Icanassureyou.

Evenafteryoulearnthisapproachtoescapingunhappiness,youwillstillbeatriskofbeingnegativelyaffectedbyyourlowmoods.Thereasonisthatwhenyoudropintoalowmoodallyouwillseeareproblems.Andyoucangetprettycleveratjustifyingtoyourselfwhythislowmoodisdifferentfromthelastoneorthetensofthousandsthatprecededit.Themoreyouentertainthereasonsyoucomeupwith,andthethoughtsyouarehavingaboutyourpredicament,theworseyouwillfeel–everysingletime.Yourprotectionwillbe,however,thatyouwillnolongertrustwhatyouarefeelingwhenyouarelow.Youwillusuallyknowthatyou’rebeingtrickedbyyourownlowmood.Youwillusuallyknowthateventhoughit’stemptingtoindulgeyournegativethoughts,ifyoudon’t,you’llbefarbetteroff.Yourprotectionwillbethatyouwillusuallyknowthatyourdistressedfeelingswillpassifyoucansomehowjustleavethemalone.Youwillusuallyknowthat,eventhoughyourreasonsforyourunhappinessseemtobegoodones,thereasonsthemselvesareabigpartoftheproblem.

Isay‘usually’whenIrefertoyournewprotectionbecauseeveryonegetstrickedsomeofthetime.Nomatterhowconsciousyoubecomeoftheprocess,youwillstilltakethebaitonceinawhile.Evenwhenyoudotakeit,however,theeffectswon’tlastnearlyaslong.Yourrecoverywillbemuchquicker.

IfThinkingKeepsYouDown,WhatBringsYourMoodBackUp?Ifyoudon’tinterferewiththenaturalrhythmofyourmoods,theywillgoupand

Ifyoudon’tinterferewiththenaturalrhythmofyourmoods,theywillgoupanddownallbythemselves.Thiswastrueforpeopleinthetenthcenturyanditwillbetrueforpeopleinthetwenty-secondcentury.Moodsareaconstant,theyareafactoflife,asistheirchangeability.

Evenhappypeoplehavetheirownshareofdowns.Oneofthedifferences,however,betweenadepressedpersonandanon-depressedperson,isthatanon-depressedpersonacceptsthatshehasmoods.Shemakesallowancesforthisinherattitudeandinherbehaviour.Shesaysthingslike,‘Thingsdon’tlooksogoodrightnow.Askmelater,’or‘I’minareallybadmoodrightnow.Don’tbotherme.’Sheknowsitisatemporaryproblem–itfeelsbadandit’snofun,butitwillpassifsheletsitbe.Thetidewillreturn.

Depressedpeoplealsohavelowmoodsandthosemoodsalsofeelterrible.Thesavinggrace,however,thatdepressedpeopleoftendon’trealizeisthattheirmoodisn’tpermanent.Depressedpeopledescribetheirlowmooddifferentlyfromnon-depressedpeople.Insteadofsaying,‘Thingsdon’tlooksogoodrightnow.Askmelater,’adepressedpersonmightsay,‘Don’taskme.I’mdepressed.’Thereisanassumedsenseofpermanencythatinactualitydoesn’thavetoexist.

It’syourunderstandingthatmoodsareanaturalfactoflifethatwillbringyououtofalowmood.Acceptingthefactthatyouarelow,butatthesametimerealizingthatyourmoodwillriseonitsown,allowsthedarknesstolift.Thetruthis,youdon’thavetodoanything.Infact,thelessyoudothebetteroffyou’llbe.Yourmoodwillbegintoliftasyoustoppayingattentiontoallthatyouthinkaboutwhenyouarelow,andyoubegintoignorethethoughtsandfeelingsyouarehaving.Don’tmakethemistakeofbelievingyouwillbecomeapatheticifyouimplementthisunderstandinginyourlife.Farfromit.Asyourmoodlifts,youwillbecomefarmoreimmersedandmorepresentinyourlife.Anyrealproblemsyoumayhavewillmostcertainlystillbethere,butyouwillbefarmoreequippedtodealwiththem.Youarenotignoringyourlifeoryourproblems,youaresimplyignoringyourdistortedthinking.

EllenandStanhavebeenrunningasmallbusinesstogetherforalmostayear.Businesshasbeenprettygoodandthetwoofthem,whostartedoutasfriends,havebeenworkingtogetherverynicely.

Oneday,outoftheblue,Ellencomestotheofficeinaterriblemood.Ellen’swaytoactoutherlowmood(everyonedoesitdifferently)istobecomeverycritical.SheimmediatelybeginspointingoutallofStan’simperfectionsandallthewayshecouldbedoingbetter.Stanisamazed;he’sneverseenthissideof

thewayshecouldbedoingbetter.Stanisamazed;he’sneverseenthissideofEllenbefore.

StanknowslittleaboutthepowerofmoodsandtakesEllen’scommentspersonally.Hebecomesfrightenedandinsecurebecausehefearshehasseen‘therealEllen’.Hismoodbeginstodropdramatically.Stan’swayofactingoutalowmoodistobecomedefensiveandargumentative,whichfuelsEllen’scriticism,frightensher,andlowershermoodevenfurther.

Inalowmood,everylittlethingcanlooklike‘thetipoftheiceberg’.BothStanandEllenbegintowonderiftheyshouldshutdownthebusiness.Theyfearthatthisisjustthebeginningofaseriesofnewproblems.SinceneitherStannorEllenunderstandsmoods,theybelievethethoughtstheyarehavingabouteachother.Thewaytheyfeel,ofcourse,dictatesthewaytheytreateachother.Theirbusinessbeginstosuffer.

WhenStanandEllencametoseemetheywerefrustrated.BothweresurprisedwhenIdidn’tanalyseorevendiscusstheirpatternsofcriticismanddefensiveness.Italkedtothemabouthowtheyhadinnocentlybroughtouttheveryworstineachotherbytakingeachother’slow-moodreactionstooseriously.Itaughtthemtoexpectnegativebehaviourfromtheirpartnerwhentheyfellintoaverylowmoodandtomakeallowancesintheirownmindforsuchbehaviour.Ialsotaughtthemtobecompassionatetowardsthemselvesandnottotakethemselvesasseriouslywhentheyweretrappedinlowmoods.

Thiswasn’tamiraclecureoranextraordinarycase.Itwassimplytwopeoplewhohadbecomeblindedbytheirownlowmoods.Oncetheyunderstoodthenatureofmoods,theyletgooftheirfrustrationandwentonwiththeirlives.

Eleven/LivinginthePresentMoment

Perhapstheoldestandwisestpieceofadviceforescapingdepressionandlivingahappierlifeistoliveinthepresentmoment.Virtuallyeveryspiritualteacherandwisepersonthroughouthistoryhassuggestedthissolution.Andalthoughmanyofushaveheardthisage-oldadvice,andhaveevenagreedwithit,thequestionremains:whyisitsodifficult?Theanswerstothisquestionaresurprisinglysimple.Therearetwofactorsthatkeeppeopletiedtotheirpastandspeculatingaboutanegativefuture,bothofwhichwehavealreadydiscussed:veryfewpeoplehavethenecessaryunderstandingoftheirownthinking,andveryfewpeopleunderstandthepoweroftheirownmoods.

Ifyoubelievethatyourthinkingissomethingthathappenstoyou–insteadofsomethingthatyouaredoingtocreateanexperienceoflife–itisimpossibleforyoutoliveinthepresentmoment.Ifyoufeel,forwhateverreason,thatyoumustfollowtrainsofthoughtastheyenteryourmind,youwillbeunabletoremaininthepresent.Let’ssupposeyouareallalonereadingabookwhensuddenlyathoughtcrossesyourmind,‘I’llneverbeableto…’(andyoufillintheblank).Itcouldbeanythoughtatall,itreallydoesn’tmatter.Ifyoufollowthattrainofthought,wheredoyousupposeit’sgoingtotakeyou?Straighttotheemotionaldump!Ifyousee,however,thatallthathasoccurredhasbeenathoughtracingthroughyourhead–asimpleandharmlessthoughtwhichyouchoosetodismiss–youwillbefreefromitseffects.

Pleasedon’tassumethatthisistoosimplistictobetrue.It’snot!Let’slookatitlogically.Onesecondpriortothethoughtenteringyourmindyouwerebusyreadingabook.Then,fromoutofnowhere,athoughtpopsintoyourhead.Whatmakesyoutakeitseriously,followit,andbecomeupsetorimmobilizedbyitexcepthabit?Theproblemhasbeenthatnoonehaseverassuredyou,untilnow,thatyoudon’tneedtobefrightenedorupsetbyyourownthoughts.Wouldyouhavebeenupsetifthethoughtthatenteredyourmindwasinstead‘Ilovemycat’?Ofcoursenot!Youdon’tneedtobeupsetbyeitherthoughtbecausebotharejustthoughts.Onceyouunderstandthenatureofyourownthinking,thefactthatyouaretheonemanufacturingyourownthoughts,andthefactthatyourthoughtsarejustthoughtsandthattheyareharmless,youwillhavecreatedthenecessaryemotionaldistancefromyourthinkingtokeepyourattentiononthehereandnow,thepresentmoment.

Ifyoufeeltheneedtofolloweverytrainofthoughtthathappenstoenter

yourmind,youwillbetoobusyelsewhere(inthepastorinthefuture)toremaininthepresentmoment;youwillbetoobusychasingandstudyingthevariousformsofnegativitythatenteryourmind.Therewillbetoomuchactivitygoingoninyourmindforyoutocontrolitscontents,sincesomewhereintheregionoffiftythousandthoughtswillpassthroughyourmindeachday!Ifyoubelievethatyourthinkingiscausedbyotherpeopleandtheeventsgoingonaroundyou,it’seasytoseewhyyourthinkingcanbecomeoverwhelming.Asyourunderstandingofthoughtdeepens,however,andasyoubegintoseeyourselfasthecreatorofyourownthoughts,andasyouseeyourthoughtsassomethingthatcan’tharmyou,youcanstepbackfromyourownthinking,almostasthoughyouwerewatchingamovieinsteadofactuallybeinginit.Then,ifafrightening,depressing,angryorjealousthoughtentersyourmind,youhavetheoptiontofollowthatthoughtandseewhereittakesyou,oryoucansimplydismissthethoughtandbringyourattentionbacktowhateveryouaredoing.

Thesecondsignificantreasonwhypeoplefinditsodifficulttoremaininthepresentmomentisthattheydon’tunderstandthepoweroftheirownmoods,andhowtorespondwhentheirmoodislow.Unfortunately,ifyoubelieveinwhatyouthinkwhenyouarelow,youwillbetoofrightenedtoremaininthepresentmoment.Remember,lowmoodswillalwayspromotenegative,pessimisticthinking,andinyourlowmoodsyouwillfeelatremendoussenseofurgency–afeelingthatyouneedtodosomethingtogetawayfromthewayyoufeel.Inlowmoods,insecurethoughtswilldominateyourconsciousness.Theverybestyoucandoistodistrust,dismiss,andignoreyourthoughtswhenyouarelow.Youmustunderstandthatlifewillalwayslookserious,urgent,andproblematicwhenyouaredown.Youhavetoexpectthistobethecaseandbepreparedinadvance.Youmustalsorememberthatlifealwayslooksbetterwhenyourspiritslift,eveniftheyliftonlyalittle.

Ifyoudon’tdistrustyourthinkingwhenyouareinalowmood,yourheadwillbefullofimaginedgloomanddoom.Yourproblemswillseemtoourgenttoremaininthehereandnowandyouwillfeelasthoughyouneedtospeculateastohowyouaregoingtoescapethewayyoufeel.

Happypeopleknowdeepwithinthemselvesthatregardlessofwhathappenedyesterday,amonthago,orintheirearlychildhood,andwhatmayormaynothappentomorrow,nextweek,orin15years,the‘now’iswheretheywillfindtheirhappiness–andthe‘now’iswheredepressioncannotexist.

Agenuinelyhappypersonknowsthatlifeisnothingmorethanaconstantseriesofpresentmomentstobeexperienced,onerightafteranother.Heseesthepastforwhatitwasabletoteachhimabouthowtolivemoreinthe‘now’and

pastforwhatitwasabletoteachhimabouthowtolivemoreinthe‘now’andthefutureasmorepresentmomentstobeexperiencedwhentheyeventuallyarrive.Happypeoplestrivetobefullywiththepersontheyarewith,tobeinvolvedwithwhatevertheyaredoingwithoutthinkingtoomuchaboutthefutureorthepast.Theystrivetoexperienceeachpresentmomentoftheirlivestoitsfullest.Ahappypersonknowsthatthecloserhegetstohisgoaloflivingeachdayinthepresent,themoreheguaranteesawonderfulexperienceoflife.Livinginthepresentisnotatheory;itistherealitythatahappypersonlivesin.

Manyclientshavereportedtomethatthetimetheyfeelmostimmersedinthepresentmomentiswhentheyareeitherplayingwithorwatchingchildren.Perhapsthebestwaytodescribethedifferencebetweenpresent-momentlivingandnon-present-momentlivingisthis:present-momentlivingmeansyouarechoosingtofocusyourattentiononwhatishappeningrightnow;youenjoyandappreciatejustthismoment.Youknowthatyouhavenotimetolose–yourlifeistooimportant–andthereisnobettertimetoliveandappreciateyourlifethanrightnow.Youfeelterrificbecauseyouaren’tspeculatingaboutyourlife,youarelivingyourlife.Youarenotthinkingaboutwhat’snextuntilit’stimetodoso.Non-present-momentlivingcanbedescribedthisway:insteadoflivinginthemoment,youarewaitingforthenextone.Insteadofenjoyingwhereyouare,youareconcernedaboutwhatmightbe.Insteadofimmersingyourselfinthismoment,youarespeculatingaboutthefutureorrehashingthepast.

NoticinghowgooditfeelstoliveinthepresentmomentwithmychildrenhashelpedmetorealizethatwheneverIamnotfeelinggoodIhaveslippedoutofthepresentmoment.Youcanhavethesamerealizationinyourlifebynoticinghowremovedfromthepresentyouarewhenyouaren’tfeelingwell.Thenexttimeyoufeeldepressed,noticewhereyourthoughtsare.Iguaranteethattheywillbesomewhereotherthanrightwhereyouare.Onceyoufeeltheconnectionbetweenthepresentmomentandyourhealthyfunctioningyouwillknowthatthesolutiontoyourdepressionliesinyourabilitytobringyourattentionbacktothepresentmoment.

Childrenarethebestexamplesofpeoplewhofullyabsorbthemselvesinthepresentmoment.Aclientofminewhoworkswithpreschoolchildrendescribesitthisway:‘Theyallowthemselvestostaycompletelyinvolvedinwhatevertheyhappentobedoingandwithwhomevertheyhappentobewith.Becausechildrenaresointhemoment,theymilkeveryounceoutoftheirexperience.’

Asanadult,youmayhavegotintothehabitofallowingpastregretsandfutureconcernstosqueezethelifeoutofyourpresentmoments.Asyoubecomeconsciousofhowyousabotageyourlifebyyourthoughtsofthepastandthefutureyoucanbegindroppingthosethoughtsandnoticingahappierfeeling

futureyoucanbegindroppingthosethoughtsandnoticingahappierfeelingreturningwithinyourself.

Asyoubecomemoreorientatedtothepresentmoment,youwillopenthedoortoenjoyingyourlife.Insteadofseeingpotentialproblems,youwillseebeauty;insteadofreviewingpastmistakes,youwilllearnfromyourmistakesandmoveforward.Whennegativeorinsecurethoughtsenteryourmind,youwillseethemthesamewayyouwouldseeantsatapicnic–distractionsthatcanbeignored.Youwouldcertainlyprefertheantsnottobeatyourpicnic,butyouwouldn’tletthemruinanotherwiseperfectlybeautifulday.Ihavethesamefeelingaboutnegativethoughtsthatentermymindeverysingleday.Ioftenwishtheywouldleavemealone,butIrefusetoletthemdrainenjoymentfrommylife.Insteadofharpingonmynegativethoughts,IfeelgratefulthatIamabletodismissthem.You,too,candismissanythoughtsyouhavethatyoudon’tlike.Remember,happypeoplehavethesamekindsofnegativethoughtsasdodepressedpeople.Theonlydifferenceisintherelationshipbetweenthethoughtsandthethinker:happypeopleareabletoseetheirthoughtsasthoughtsanddismisstheonestheydon’twant.

SomedayWon’tBeDifferentOneoftheproblemswithlivinginthepastorfutureisthatthinkinginthesetermswillneverproduceahappylife.Amindthatbelievesitwillbehappyonlywhencertainconditionsaremetwillalwayscreatenewconditionstosatisfyoncetheoldonesarecompleted.Acycleof‘I’llbehappywhen…’iscreated.Theparticularscanbevirtuallyanything:‘Whenschooliscomplete,’‘Igetajob,’‘Igetapromotion,’‘Imakemoremoney,’‘Ifindamate,’‘Ihaveachild,’‘Ibuyahome,’‘Isolvetheseproblems,’andsoforth.Pleasedon’tmisunderstandwhatI’msaying:thesegoalsarenotbadideasinthemselves.Ifyouwantachildortomakemoremoney,oranythingelse,thendoit!Butfuture-orientatedthinkingwillguaranteethatyouwillnotenjoytheprocessofachievingthesegoalsanditwillguaranteethatyouwillnotenjoytheresultsonceyougetthem.Yourmindwillstartagainandyou’llbeinthesameplaceyouarerightnow.

Ifyouwant‘someday’tobedifferent,youmustmakeapersonalcommitmenttobegintoenjoyyourlifetoday,asitisrightnow.Thereisnootherway.Youarehereanyway,soyoumightaswellimmerseyourselfinthepresentmomentandenjoyit.Fromnowon,wheneveryoufeeldiscouraged,

angry,orinanywayfrustrated,trytonoticehowdistantyouarefromthismoment.YouwillfindthesamethingthatIfindwhenIfeellessthanhappy–yourmindwillbeproducingthoughtsthatareremindingyouaboutsomethinginyourpastorsomethinginyourfuture.Ifyoubringyourattentionbacktothismomentyouwillveryquicklyregainamorepositivefeelingandgetonwithyourlife.Asyourunderstandingofthoughtdeepens,thiswillbecomeeasierandeasierandyourdepressionwilldisappear.

Thepointisobvious,butextremelyimportant.Theonlygenuineandlastinghappinessyouwilleverfindisrightwhereyouare.Thepresentmomentisamagical,ever-changingplacethatiswaitingtobeenjoyed.Thepresentmomentisaplacewhereyouareuniquelycapableofsuchwondermentthatitisimpossibletoexperienceanythingotherthanhappiness.Makeacommitmenttodaytopullinthereinsofyourthinkingandstartenjoyingyourlife.

EliminatingHurryOneofthesecretsoflivingalifefreeofdepressionistoeliminatethesenseofhurryinyourlife.Hurryisnothingmorethanabadhabit;it’snotaschedulingproblem,it’sastate-of-mindproblem.Therearemanyextremelybusyindividualswhoalmostneverfeelhurriedandevenmorepeoplewhoreallyaren’tverybusy,butwhofeelbusyalmostallthetime.

Thedegreetowhichyoufeelhurriedinyourlifeisdependententirelyonyourabilitytokeepyourattentioninthepresentmoment.Canyouimaginewhatitwouldbelikeifallofyourthoughtscentredaroundwhatyouhavetodoandhowlittletimeyouhavetodoit?Prettyscaryisn’tit?Toonedegreeoranother,manyofusdotheverysamething.Wefillupourpresentmomentswiththoughtsofahurriedfuture.

Thesolutionofallhurryistolivemoreinthepresentmoment.Infact,itisimpossibletofeelhurriedregardlessofwhatyouaredoingwhenyoubecomelessconsumedwithwhatneedstobedone,andmoreconsumedwithusingeachmomenttoitsfullest.

Ifyouarerunninglateanddrivingtoyournextappointment,lettingyourheadspinforwardsintimetoalltheterriblethingsthataregoingtohappenonceyouarriveisn’tgoingtogetyouthereonesecondquicker.Ifyoucanlearntobringyourattentionbacktothemoment–tosimplydrivingthecar–youwillfindthatyouwillarriveinamuchbetteremotionalcondition.Insteadoffeelingfrazzledandirritated,youwillfeelconfidentandfriendly.Ifyouarelate,youwillbeabletoexplainandapologizetothepersonyouarewithandthenbothofyoucangetonwithyouragenda.

Ahappypersonknowsthataslongashecontinuesthinkingaboutthingsyettobedonehewillcontinuetofeelhurried–it’sthatsimple.Heknowsthatahurriedmindcannotbeahappyonebecauseahurriedmindisconsumednotwithinvolvementandjoybutwithfutureactivitiesthatareyettobeexperienced.Happypeopleknowthattheirmindsarecapableofmakingthemfeelhurriedevenwhenthey’renotunderatimepressure.Luckily,theyalsoknowthattheyarecapableofbringingtheirattentionbacktothismoment,andbacktowhatevertheyaredoing.

Certainlytherewillbetimeswhenyouneedtodothingsquicklyortakeimmediateaction,butfromthismomenton,doyourselfafavourandsaveyoursenseofhurryforthosespecialandrareoccasionswhenit’strulynecessary.Oneofthemosteye-openingexperiencesinlifeissimplytonoticehowoftenyourusharoundunnecessarily.Onceyounoticethistendency,youcaneliminate

mostofitbysimplybringingyourselfbacktorightherewhereyouarenow.Asyoubecomeawitnesstoyourownheightenedpace,youcanstepbackfromitandslowdown.TryittodayandI’msureyou’llfindthatit’smucheasierthanitsounds.Onceyoutrainyourmindtoberighthere,andtoenjoyorfullyutilizethismoment–onemomentatatime–youwillstartignoringyourmorehurriedthoughtswhentheydoenteryourmind.

LifeIsn’tanEmergencyLifecanbeanenormouslyrewardingexperience;atotallyfulfillingandcreativeexperiencewherevirtuallyeveryactivityisseenasyetanotherwonderfulopportunity.Althoughit’softentreatedasone,lifeisnotanemergency;it’snotmeanttobeconstantlypostponedwhileweanxiouslyrusharoundandattemptto‘geteverythingdone’.

Lifeismeanttobelived,onemomentatatime.Whetheryouare18yearsoldor80yearsold,maleorfemale,darkorlight,richorpoor,youaregiventhesamegiftandit‘sadministeredinexactlythesameway.Thegiftislifeitselfandit’sgiventousonepreciousmomentatatime.Lifeisn’tanemergency,it’sanadventure.Onceyoucommityourselftoseeinglifethiswayyouwillbeamazedathowquicklyyourlifewillchangeforthebetter.Youwillnoticethebeautyinsteadoftheugliness,thecaringinsteadofthenon-caring,andthegraceinsteadofthemisfortune.Remember,lifeisn’tanemergency.

Don’tPostponeAllofYourGratificationThe‘somedaylifewillbebetter’philosophyoflivingleavesanawfullottobedesired.Foronething,it’ssimplynottrue.Ifyouarestillthinkinginfuturetermswhen‘someday’doesarrive,youwillstillbeunhappy.Future-orientatedthinkingwillalwaysleaveyoudisappointedandfrustratedbecauseyouneverquiteimmerseyourselfinthenow;you’reneverpractisedenjoyingtherewardsoyouneverknowwhattodowithitwhenitarrives.It’salmostasthoughfuture-orientedthinkingisonestepremovedfromlife:‘I’lllovemylifewhenIgetajob.’Whenyougetthejob,however,youaresoaccustomedtothinkinginnon-presenttermsthatyourmindwilldoitalloveragain:‘Ican’tbehappynowbecauseIhavetostartatthebottomoftheladder,butIwillbehappywhenIgetmoreresponsibility.’Thisendlesscyclemustbebrokentofreeyourselfofdepression.

Don’tpostponeallofyourgratification,orevenmostofit.It’snotworthit

andyoudon’thaveto.Liveasmuchofyourlifeasyoucanrightnow.Youwillfindyourgreatestpleasurerighthere,inthismoment.Whateveryouhappentobedoing,doitaswellasyoucan.Fiveminutesfromnow,dothesamething;anhourfromnow,dothesamethingagain;tomorrow,thesamething.Strivetoenjoythoroughlyeachstepofyouractivitiesandgoals.Ifyoudo,thenonceyouachieveyourgoalyouwillenjoyyoursuccessaswell.

Letmemakeonethingclear.Peoplewholiveforthenowarenotsacrificingfutureplansorsuccess,notonebit!Onthecontrary,apersonwhoisimmersedinthepresentisdoingthebestpossiblejobthatcanbedone.Ifyoulookatthegreatestathletesyou‘llwatchhowtotallyabsorbedinthepresentdaytheyare,andthatisthesecretoftheirsuccess.

ProblemsWillDisappearAsyouliveyourlifeincreasinglyinthepresentmomentyouwillnoticethatyourproblemswillalmostmagicallydisappear.Becauseyouarealwaysdoingthebestyoucanwhenyoufocusonthenow,yourmomentsbegintoblendtogetherintonaturalsolutions.Ratherthanspendingyourlifeworryingaboutwhatmighthappen,youarespendingeachmomentconstructivelyorenjoyably;eachmomentbecomesanotherpieceofthepuzzlethatisnecessarytocompletethewhole.

Justasgoalscanonlybeachievedonestepatatime,sotoocanproblemsonlybesolvedbydoingwhatyoucan,onestepatatime,continually,momenttomomentanddaytoday.I’msurethatyoucanseethelogicinsuchthinking.Asyourattentionfocusesonthemoment,onwhatcanbedone,insteadofontheproblemoronhowdifficultsomethingis,youaremarchingtowardssolutions.Present-momentthinkingfocusesonwhatcanbedonerightnowtoimproveasituation.Theactiontakeninthismomentwillleadtoothersolution-orientatedactionsastheyareneeded.Asyoudowhatyoucan,momenttomoment,eachofyourproblemsthatonceseemedsoinsurmountablewillfadeaway.Thenyoucangetonwiththebusinessofliving;yourlifewillbemoreaboutlivingandlessaboutsolvingproblems.Youwillseethatallworryisawasteoftimeandenergy!

LiveEachDayasifItWereYourLastHappypeopleknowthattherearenoguaranteesonthedurationofthisadventurecalledlife.Theyalsoknowthatthisgoesforeveryoneelse.Remindingthemselvesofthissimpletruthhelpsthemliveeverydayoftheirlivesasifitweretheirlast–andwhoknows?Itmightbe.

Happypeopledon’twaituntiltomorrowtoletthepeoplethattheyloveknowthattheylovethem;theydon’tpostponeuntiltomorrowwatchingabeautifulsunset,visitingthecountryside,orplayingwiththeirchildren.Andhappypeopleenjoywhatevertheyhappentobedoing.Iftheyaremakingsalescallstoprospectiveclients,theyvowtothemselvestoenjoytalkingtoeachperson,evenifwhattheyaredoinghappenstobecalledwork.Whatdifferencedoesitreallymake?Ifyouareabsorbedinthemoment,youcanmakethatmomentarichexperience.

Ifyouknewyouwerenevergoingtoseeyourchildoryourspouseagain,wouldn’tyoutakeanextraminutetogivethemahugbeforerunningoutofthedoor?Wouldn’tyoubemorepatient,kind,andunderstanding?Ofcourseyou

door?Wouldn’tyoubemorepatient,kind,andunderstanding?Ofcourseyouwould.

Ifyouliveeachdayasifitwereyourlast,thenwhenyourlastdayarrivesyouwillhavenoregrets.Yourlifewillhavebeenamaster-piece;youwillhavelivedlifethebestwayitcanbelived–onemomentatatimewithgraceandappreciation.

ForgivenessForgivenessstemsfrompresent-momentthinking.Whenyouforgivesomeone,includingyourself,youaresayingtoyourself,‘Thepastisover.’Noone,notevenyourself,canundowhatisdone.Whenyourefusetoforgivesomeoneyouarenotlivinginthepresentmoment.Youarehangingontoapastthatnolongerexists.Youaretorturingyourselfwithyourownthinking.

Present-momentthinkingallowsyoutoforgiveanyoneandeveryone,whichfreesyouonceandforalltoenjoyyourlifeasyoudeservetodo.Ifyourpastwaspainful,alackofforgivenessonlymakesyourpresentequallypainful.Nomatterwhathappenedtoyou,nomatterhowawfulitwas,thewaytobehappynowistoforgiveanyoneandeveryonebylivingmoreinthepresentmoment.

LifeIsWhat’sHappeningWhileYou’reBusyMakingOtherPlansIt’ssotemptingtofallintothehabitofcontinuallypostponingyourlifeuntillater.It’seasytobelieve,assomanypeopledo,thatlifeisgoingtogetbetterandmorerewardingatsomelaterdate.Whenyoudelveintothelogicofsuchthinking,however,youwillseethatthisisatragicmistake.

Whentomorrowarrivesitwillstillbeaseriesofpresentmomentstobeexperienced.It’simportanttoknowthatpresent-momentlivingdoestakepracticeandisnotnecessarilyeasy.Withoutafirmcommitmenttopractisinglivinginthepresentmoment,yourtomorrowswillbeasemptyastheyaretoday;yousimplywon’tbeabletoenjoythem.Yourhabitneedstobeworkedwith.Youmustconditionyourselfandyourthinkingrightnowasifyouwerepractisinganyotherworthwhileskill.Practiseasifthequalityofyourlifedependedonit–itdoes.

TheGoodNewsThegoodnewsisthatpresent-momentlivingcanbelearned,andit’snevertoolatetostart.Remember,whenyouwereachildyouwerepresent-momentorientated,soatsomeinternallevelyouarealreadyfamiliarwithwhatitfeelslike.Youcanstartrightnow,today.

Remindyourselfoverandoveragainofhowtrulywonderfullifeiswhenyouaren’treviewingpastmistakesorworryingaboutfutureconcerns.Rememberthatyouareincontroloverwhatyouchoosetothinkaboutonceyouunderstandthatyouarethethinkerofyourthoughts.Ifnegativeorworrisomethoughtsenteryourmind,forgetaboutthem.Ifsomethingneedstobedealtwith,youwilldealwithit.I’venevermetapersonwholearnedtoliveinthepresentmomentwhonowfeelsthatherlifeisfallingapartandsheisbecomingirresponsible.Justtheoppositehappens.Asyoustopworryingandstartlivingyouwillbeamazedathowsmoothlyyourlifewillrun.Problemswillalwaysbedealtwith.Nolongerwilllifeseemlikeanemergency.Instead,lifewillseemlikeawonderfuldream.Bringyourattentionbacktotheonlyplacewhereyoucantrulydosomethingaboutyourlifeanyway–rightwhereyouare.Yourlifeisamarvellousgiftandyouareuniquelywonderful.Don’twasteapreciousmomentproducingthoughtsofapainfulpastoranimaginedfuture.Whenthesetypesofthoughtscomeup,understandthattheyarejustthoughtsandthatyoudon’tneedtofearthem.Byallmeans,learnfromyourpastandthenletitgo;knowthatthefuturewillbefineifyouapproachitonemomentatatime.Don’tjumpthegun,itwillbeheresoonenough.

Twelve/LifeIsLikeaPendulum

Anexcellentwaytounderstandwhereunhappinessexistsinyourmindand,moreimportant,howtoovercomeit,istostudythefollowingchart.

Theleftsideofthischartisyourhealthyfunctioning.Rememberyourhealthyfunctioningisinherent,youwerebornwithit.Yourhealthyfunctioningisyourmindwhenitisn’tactivelyanalysingorthinkingaboutwhat’swrongorfindingfaultwithyourlife.Healthyfunctioningfeelsgoodanditpromoteshappiness,self-esteem,andwell-being.Themomentsinyourlifeduringwhichyoufeelsatisfied,whenlifefeels‘justright’,youhavetappedintothissimple,effortless,

naturalstateofmind.It’snotmysteriousormadeup,it’syourbirthright.Yourhealthyfunctioning,althoughnotalwaysrecognized,isalwayspresent.Itliesunderneaththeveilofnegativeandinsecurethoughtsthatdominateyourmind.Theonlyobstacletoyourhealthyfunctioningarethethoughtsinyourheadthatyoutakeseriously.Rightnow,seeifyoucangentlyclearyourmind.Relax.Don’tthinkaboutanythinginparticular.Asthoughtsenteryourmind,letthemgo.Seethemasthoughtsandjustletthemgo.Howdoyoufeelrightnow?

Therightsideofthechartisyouranalyticalmind.Althoughyouranalyticalmindisveryimportant,thereisnothingnaturalaboutit.Everycharacteristicwithinthispartofyourmindis,bydefinition,learned,or‘thoughtcentred’.Youdon’tnaturallyliveinyourpastoryourfuture;youlearntodoso.Youaren’tpredisposedtofocusingonproblems;youhavedevelopedthishabit.Youdidn’thaveprejudicesatbirth;theywerelearnedovertime.Youweren’tbornwithanegative,pessimistic,andscepticalattitude;youlearnedit.

TheQuietMountainsandtheBarkingDogPerhapsthebestwaytounderstandthedifferencebetweenyourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindistodrawananalogy.Imagineyourselfinthemountainssittingbyacampfire.Youareallbyyourselfandit’sperfectlyquiet.Youcametothemountainstogetsomepeaceandquiet,andyouhavefounditandsomuchmore.Youfeellikeanewperson,asthoughyouhaveregainedyourperspectiveonlife.

Allofasudden,however,youbegintonoticeabarkingdogwayoffinthedistance.Thebarkgetslouderandlouderasyoufocusyourattentiononit,anditbeginstograteonyournerves.Youtrytoignoreit,butyoucan’t.Itgoesonandonandon,andgetsevenlouder.‘Whywon’thestop?’youthinktoyourself.‘Whydoesn’thisownershuthimup?’Thedistantbarkinghasdisturbedyourpeaceandquiet.Youbegintofeelasthoughyourtripwasawasteoftime.Youforgetthatyouwereexperiencingthepeaceandquiet.

Yourhealthyfunctioningcanbelookedatasthepeaceandquietyouwereexperiencingbeforeyounoticedthedog.Thepeaceandquietwasnothingfancy,itwasjustquietandnice.Youfeltinspiredandrejuvenated.Youhadperspectiveandyoufeltasenseofwholeness.Ifyouneededtothink,youdidsoclearlyandwithwisdom.Yourlifeseemedsimple.Yousawbeauty.Yousawanswers,notproblems.

Youranalyticalmindcanbelookedatasthenoiseofthedogbarkinginthedistance.Themoreyoufocusedonthat,themoreitseemedlikethunder

distance.Themoreyoufocusedonthat,themoreitseemedlikethunderpoundinginyourheadandthemorethenoiseseemedtodominateyourconsciousnessandtakeyourattentionawayfromyourpeaceandquiet.Itseemedasifthedogwasrightnexttoyou.Thenoiseseemedtobecallingouttoyou,‘Don’tenjoythequiet,listentome.’Youranalyticalmindislikeabarkingdogpleadingforyourattention.Itwantsyoutolistentoit,itwantstobethecentreofattention,itdoesn’twantyoutofocusonanythingelsebutitself.

Yourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindarebothpresentatthesametime.Inouranalogy,thequietofthemountainswasstillthere,itneverleftthescene.Itdid,however,becomeobscuredorcoveredupbythedistantnoise.Interestingly,thenoiseofthebarkingdog(youranalyticalmind)wasthereevenbeforeyouheardit.Likeapendulum,backandforthyouswingfromthequiettothebarking.Thequietisalwaysthere–itbringsyoupeace.Thebarkingisalwaysthere–itcandriveyoucrazy.Botharepresent,butit’syourattention,yourabilitytothink,thatdetermineswhichmodeyouwillexperienceatanygivenmoment.Doyoulistentothenoise,ordoyoulistentothequiet?It’suptoyou.

StudyChildrenThenexttimeyougetachance,takealookataparkfullofyoungchildren–andrememberwewereallchildrenatonetime.Childrennaturallygetalongwithoneanother.Theydohaveoccasionaldisputesandarguments,buttheyusuallyendupfindingwaystohavefuntogether.Theydon’tdwellonmistakes,andyettheyhaveatremendousabilitytolearn.Theyrollwiththepunches,andtreateveryoneequally.Theyseethebeautyinlife,andvirtuallyeverythingisapotentialsourceofjoyandhumour.Childrendon’tcareifyouareblackorwhiteordisabled.Childrendon’tbasetheirhappinessonthesizeoftheirbankaccountsorthesizeoftheirparents’bankaccounts.Theyareopentonewideas.Ifyoutellachildthathecan’tdosomething,helooksforsomethingelsehecando.Thesearenaturalqualitiesthateveryonebringstolife.Theyarequalitiesthatcanberegainedbysimplyrecognizingthattheobstacletothemisyourownthinking.

Doesthismeanthatchildrenarealwayshappy?Absolutelynot!Childrenhaveenormoustempers,theycanbeveryselfishandself-centredandtheycansulkoveralmostanything.Childrenarenotalwayshappybecausetheyarehumanbeings.They,likeeveryoneelse,reacttotheirownthinking.Thedifference,however,betweenchildrenandmostadultsisthatwhenchildrengetupsettheysimplygetupsetandthengoonwiththeirlives.Theydon’tlabelthemselvesasdepressedorangrypeople.Althoughtheirthinkingmadethemupsettobeginwith,theydon’tcompoundtheproblembyusingtheirthinkingtoholdtheirnegativefeelingsinplace.Theyintuitivelyknowthatwhateveritwasthattheywereupsetaboutisnowonlyathought.Thespecificsoftheupsetaren’timportanttoachildandthatistheirprotection.Whetheritwasanargumentwithasiblingoraparent,orsomethingtheyattemptedtodothatfailed,isn’trelevanttoachild.Whatisimportantisthattheydon’tholdontothememoryasifitwerehappeningrightnow.

Whilenoneofusisalwayshappy,itisneverthelessthecasethatallofuswerebornwithanaturalbenttowardsthehappysideofthispendulum.Wewerebornwithanaturalcuriosity,adesiretogrowandlearn.Wewerebornwithanopenandacceptingattitude,aninnocentandhealthysenseofhumour.Wewerebornseeingthebeautyinoursurroundings.Ifyouremoveyourveilofnegativethinkingbyrecognizingthatthoughtsarejustthoughts,andbydismissingyournegativethoughts,youwillredevelopthischildlikeattitudeandyouwillfeelgoodagain.

Aseachofusgrewolderwedevelopedouranalyticalmind,ourownunique

thoughtsystems(seechapter7).Verysimply,throughthepowersofourownobservation,thought,andintellect,wetriedtomakesenseofourworld.Weputthecomponentsofourlivesintocategories,welabelledpeople,places,andthings,andwedevelopedanattitudetowardslife.

AsIexplainedinchapter7,thereisnothingwrongwithyourthoughtsystem.Youmusthaveoneandyourinterpretationoflifeseemseverybitasrealtoyouasminedoestome.Asitdeveloped,yousawwhatyousawandyoutriedtomakesenseoutofit.AsIpointedoutearlier,theproblemisn’tthatyouhaveathoughtsystem,theproblemisthatit’sverydifficulttoquestionit.Therefore,youtendtobelievewhateveryouthink.Truefreedomcomeswhenyoubegintodistrust,justalittle,yourthought-createdversionoflife.Asyoudo,youwillnaturallytuneintoadeeper,wiserpartofyourself–yourhealthyfunctioning.

Itisimportanttorealizethateveryonehasbothhealthyfunctioningandalearnedstateofmind.ThependulumI’mreferringtoistheswingingbetweenyourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindduringthecourseofaday.Thereisnothinganyofuscandotomakeeitherofthemgoawaybecausebothofthemareanintegralpartofbeinghuman.Wecan,however,learntodiscreditthevalidityofpartsofourthoughtsystemwhenitcomestomattersofhappinessandwell-being.Wecanalsolearntodirectourattentiontowardsourhealthyfunctioning–swingthependulumifyouwill–whenwhatweareexperiencingisn’twhatwewouldlike.Toofewofusrealizethatthisotherpartofus,thishealthyfunctioning,iseverybitasrealandpresentasourthoughtsystemandiscrucialtoourhappinessandpeaceofmind.

Whileyouareexperiencingyourhealthyfunctioning,however,youarestillproducingthoughts.Ifathoughtentersyourmindandyoufollowthatthought,youareatriskofswingingthependulumintheotherdirection.Thegoalistobecomeconsciousaboutwhichtrainsofthoughttofollow.Youwanttobeabletodecideforyourselfif,andwhen,youswingthependulumbacktoyourthoughtsystem.

HowDoYouSwingthePendulum?Manydepressedpeoplebelievetheyarealwaysdepressed.Myexperience,however,hasshownmethatthisisnottrue.Evenseverelydepressedpeoplehavependulumswings,momentsinthedaywhentheyareexperiencinghealthyfunctioning.Even30secondsofinnerpeaceisaswinginthependulum.Manyhappypeoplewhousedtobedepressedhavetoldme,‘Lookingback,Icansee

thatIdidexperiencemomentsofhealthyfunctioning,Isimplyneverrecognizedit.’Themomentsarethere.Whenyoufailtorecognizethem,however,asingleinsecurethoughtcanencourageyourmindtostartspinningonceagain.Becausethisdynamichappenssoquickly,andsoautomatically,youmayincorrectlyconcludethatyouarealwaysdepressed.

Inmanyrespectsit’sfarmoreimportanttorecognizewhenyouareinastateofhealthyfunctioningthantorecognizewhenyouarestuckinyouranalyticalmind.Asyourecognizehealthyfunctioningforwhatitisyouencouragemoreofitinyourlife.Recognizinghealthyfunctioningisapreventivemeasure.Ithelpsyoubecomefamiliarwithwhatitfeelsliketofeelgood.Thereisclearlyadominoeffectthattakesplace–oneminuteofpositivefeelingleadstoanotherandthenanotherandsoon.

Thesamedominoeffectcanapplytonegativefeelings,whichispreciselywhyyouneverwanttodwellonnegativefeelings.Asyouthinkabouthowbadyoufeel,andasyoufocusattentiononthatfeeling,youareineffectaskingformoreofthesame.Ifyouwanttofeelgoodyoumustlearntodetectandthenfollowyourgoodfeelings.

Whenyoudofindyourselftrappedinyouranalyticalmind,stuckontheright-handsideofthechart,thebestyoucandoisdropyourthoughts,clearyourmind,andrelax.Yourproblemisclear:youarecaughtupinyourthinking.Youdon’tneedtoknowanythingelse.Whetheryouarecaughtupinthoughtsaboutarelationship,money,sex,oryourpastisn’trelevant.Whatisrelevantisthefactthatyouarecaughtup.Analysingwhatyouthinkiswrongwillonlymakemattersworse.Whateverthoughtsyouarethinkingwillgrowinyourmindasyoustudythem.Andasyourthoughtsgrow,youwillfeelworseandworse.Youwillunknowinglybecementingyourselfontotheanalyticalsideofthependulum.

Yourhealthyfunctioningisthemostimportantpartofyourlife.Ifyoualignyourselfwithyourhealthyfunctioning,yourpersonalitywillrightitself.Yet,noamountofworkthatyouputintoyourpersonalitywillaffectyourhealthyfunctioning.It’sworththeefforttobecomeawareofyourhealthyfunctioning.It’sallyouneedtoliveafullyfunctional,happylife.

Whilewehavenocontroloverthefactthatwehavebothhealthyfunctioningandananalyticalmind,wedohavecontroloverwherewechoosetoputourgreatestamountofattention.Certainlytherearemanyinstanceswhenusingyourintellectispreferabletousingyourhealthyfunctioning:learningsomenewskill,balancingyourcheque-book,fixingtheelectricity,tryingtorememberaphone

numberorwhereyouleftyourcar.Intheseinstances,puttingyourattentiononyourthinkingmindisnecessaryanddesirable.Surprisingly,however,avastpartofyourlifewouldbefarbetterlivedandexperiencedwithoutyour‘computer’turnedon.Youcan’tenjoylifeifyouareanalysingit;youcan’tsmelltherosesifyouarerunningpastthem;youcan’tenjoynewpeopleifyouprejudgethem;youcan’thavefundoingsimplethingsifyouarethinkingabouthowstupidtheyare;youcan’tberelaxedifyouareworriedaboutwhatmighthappen;youcan’tenjoyyourworkifyouarecomparingyourselftoothers;andyoucan’tevenenjoyyourweekendsorholidaysifyouarewalkingaroundgeneratingconcernsalldaylong.

Theonlythingthatstandsbetweenyouandacompletelydifferentexperienceoflife–alifewithoutdepression–isyourabilitytorealizethateachmoment,especiallythosemomentswhendepressionislooming,isapotentialswingofthependulum,achoicepoint(seechapter8).Youcanfocusyourattentiononyourbadfeelingsandkeepthependulumonthenegativesideofyourpsychologicalscale,keepingitalive,nursingit,almostasthoughyouwantittostaywithyou.Oryoucanignore(evenifitdoesn’tinitiallyseempossible)thenegativefeelingsthatyouarehaving,realizingtheyarethought-created,andswingthependulumbacktowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,therebytappingintothepartofyourselfthatdoesn’texperiencedepression,thatfeelspeaceandlove,andisfilledwithwisdom.

Theonlythingthatcandefeatyouisalackofpersistenceonyourpart.Thefirstfewtimesyouchallengeyourtendencytogiveintoyourdepressedfeelingsyoumaynotnoticeanimmediateorparticularlystrongshiftinhowyoufeelbecauseyoumaynotbelettinggoenough.Butstickwithit–itgetsmucheasier.Asyoupractiseignoringwhatyoudon’twant,andturninsteadtowardswhatyoudowant,youwillsoonbegintofeelashift.

Asyougetthehangofit,andpractisecontrollingthefocusofyourattention,youwillseethatlifereallyislikeapendulum,anditreallyisaboutchoice.Yougothroughshiftsinconsciousness,shiftsinhowyoufeel,throughouteachday.Theshiftsarecompletelyharmlessand,infact,arequitenatural.Theharm,orpain,comesfromyourstudying,thinkingabout,andfocusingonthethought-createdfeelingsthatyoudon’twantanythingtodowith.Asyouseethedynamic,andasyoupractiseworkingwiththenaturalflowofthependulum,youwillbecomelessandlessfrightenedbyyourownfeelings,therebydispensingwiththeonesyounolongerwant,whilenurturingtheonesyoudowant.Lifewillbecomeinterestingandrichagainbecauseyouwillbeturning

towardssomethinggreaterthanthattowhichyouareaccustomed,toamorepowerfulandgenuinepartofyourselfthatknowsthejoyofhappiness.

YourFeelingsAreYourGuideYourfeelingsletyouknowwhichsideofyourmindyouareonatanygivenmoment,thustellingyouwhetheryouneedtomakeamentaladjustment.Ifyoufeelpeaceful,incontrol,competent,balanced,happy,contented,andsatisfied,youknowthatemotionallyyouareonthehealthierside.Noadjustmentneedstobemade.Keeprightonliving.Youwillmakegreatdecisions,youwilllookafteryourownbestinterests,youwillbekind,considerate,andeasy-going.Whendecisionsneedtobemade,youwillbelevel-headed,evenifthedecisionsaredifficult.If,however,youfindyourselffeelingdepressed,bothered,agitated,frustrated,rushed,hurried,defensive,jealous,angry,frightened,orinsomeotherwayimmobilized,yourfeelingsletyouknowthatyouhaveshiftedovertothemorefamiliarsideofyouremotionalscale.

Letmemakesomethingveryclear.There’sabsolutelynothingwrongwithbeingonthatfamiliarsideoftheemotionalscale.I’mnotsuggestingthatit’sneverappropriateorevenimportanttohavethesevariousfeelings.Itiscritical,however,thatyourealizetheseemotionsarethought-createdandthattheyarelearned.Ifyouhadn’tlearnedtofeeldefensive,forexample,youwouldn’tfeeldefensive.Thereisnothinginherentinyouthatmakesyoufeelthisway.Thesameistruewithpessimism.Regardlessofhowithappened,youlearnedtobepessimistic.

Youdon’tneedtojudgeyourselfonhowoftenorhowlongyouspendinyouranalyticalmind.Nooneiskeepingscore.Infact,thelessyoukeepscore,theeasieritwillbetoswingyourselfinthedirectionofyourchoice.Knowingwhereyouareemotionallyisimportant.Ifyouuseyourfeelingstoyouradvantage,andyourecognizewhenyouareofftrack,youwillatleasthavetheoptionoflookingforsomethingelse.If,ontheotherhand,yougetintoyourfeelingssimplybecausetheyarethere,youwillhavenooptionsavailabletoyou.Youwillhavetostrugglewithyourthinkingeachtimeyouexperienceanegativeemotion.

Whenyouallowyournegativefeelingstoalertyouthatyouareemotionallyofftrack,youcanbegintodirectyourattentionawayfromyouranalyticalmindwheretheproblemstarted,andinsteadbringyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioningwherethesolutionexists,whereyougainsomeperspectiveandlookforananswer.

Yourfeelings,evenyournegativeones,canhelpguideyouthroughyourlife.Bypayingattentiontothem,yetneverdwellingonthenegativeones,youcanusethemtohelpswingyouremotionalpenduluminyourfavour.Asyouturnyourattentionawayfromyourthinkingmindwhenyouareinemotional

turnyourattentionawayfromyourthinkingmindwhenyouareinemotionaltrouble,yourlifewillsettledownandlookbeautifulonceagain.Yourlowswon’tseemsobadandtheycertainlywon’tlastaslong.Infact,youcanbecomequitecomfortablewhenyouaredown–whenyouknowthatgoingbackupisjustamatteroftime.

Thirteen/MentalHealthandtheDynamicsofUnhappiness

Aswehaveseen,thestateofmentalhealthischaracterizedbyfeelingsofwell-beingthatareinnatewithineachofus.Wehavecalledthispositivestateofmind‘healthyfunctioning’.Thesedeephumanfeelingsdonotdependonanyexternalcircumstance,onlifebeinganycertainway.Thus,mentalhealthisnevercompletelylost,anddoesn’thavetofluctuatedependingonwhatishappeninginaperson’slife.Inastateofmentalhealth,weintuitivelyunderstandthenatureofthoughtandhowitworkstocreateourpersonalreality–ourhappinessandourunhappiness.Whenthishappens,wearenolongervictimsofthecontentofourownthinking.Instead,weriseabovethecontentofourthoughtstoaplacewherewearefreefromitseffects.

Mentalproblemsandunhappinessaretheresultofanindividualbecomingoverlyabsorbedbythecontentofhisownnegativethinking,whileatthesametimebeingunawarethatheisthinking.Eachtimethisoccurs,theindividualinvolvedwillbeatthemercyofthespecificcontentofhisownthinking.Ifhisthinkingisnegative,sotoowillbethefeelingsheexperiences.However,becauseheisunawarethatheistheproducerofthosefeelingsviahisownthinking,hewillplacetheblameforthosefeelingsonexternalsourcesratherthanonthenegativethinkingitself,whichoriginateswithinhimself.Theusualresultisthattheindividualtriestounderstandwhyhefeelssobadbythinkingaboutwhatwouldmakehimfeelbetter,orhowhecouldalterhisenvironmenttoimprovehislife.Unfortunately,whenapersonisalreadyfeelingbad,thiswillalwaysinitiateaviciouscyclewhereintheindividualsustainshisnegativerealitybywonderinghoworwhenitcouldbedifferent.

Youareprobablybeginningtoseethehopelessnessoftryingtothinkyourwayoutofnegativefeelings.Youcan’tdoit.Mentalhealth,orpositivefeelings,arealwayspresentbutbecomeobscuredbynegativethinking.Themoreyouthinkabouttheproblemorhowyoufeel,themorelostyouwillbecomewithinyourownthoughts.Thethoughtsthemselvesaretheproblem,notthesolution.

Thewayoutofthisnegativeloopistostopgeneratingnegativethoughts.Manypeoplerespondtothissuggestionbysaying‘Easiersaidthandone,’butinfactthisisnotasdifficultasitseems,assoonasyourealizethatyouaretheoneproducingthenegativethoughtstobeginwith.Thethoughtsyouarehavingoriginatewithinyourselfandarenottheresultofsomeexternalcondition.

Unhappinessisaresultofnegativethinkingthatresultsinnegativefeelingsand,often,negativebehaviour.Animportantpointtounderstandisthis:theverymomentapersondropshisnegativethoughtprocess,thatpersonexperiencesanimmediateshiftinthewayhefeelsforthebetter.Forexample,supposeyouhaveaheatedargumentwithaco-workerthatresultsinyouleavingtheconversationinahuff.Youstormoutoftheroomandasyoudrivehomesteamingmadyoureviewtheargumentinyourmindoverandoveragain.Asyouthinkabouttheconflict,youfeelthenegativeeffectsofyourthinking–yougetangrierandmorefrustrated.Asyouwalkintoyourhouse,however,thephoneisringingandyourushovertoanswerit.Adearfriendisonthelinewhoyouhaven’tspokentoinoverayear.Youaredistracted,yourattentionisshiftedawayfromtheproblem,andforallpracticalpurposes,itdisappears.Whileyouareonthephone,yourproblemisforgotten.

Whenanythingisforgottenordismissed,itmeansthatitdoesnotexistinyourmind.Andifsomethingdoesn’texistinyourmind,itdoesn’texistinyourrealityandyouarenotaffectedbyit.Theonlywaytobringthatrealitybacktoyourselfistothinkaboutitagain.

Labellingyourselfasunhappyisadangerousthingtodo.Yourpersonalrealityconsistsofthatwhichyouthinkabout.Theactoflabellingyourfeelingskeepsthethoughtsofhowbadyoufeelaliveinyourmind.Again,thinkingisthesourceoftheproblem.

Intermsoflearningtoeliminateunhappiness,acriticaldistinctionneedstobemadebetweenaprincipleanddetails.Aprincipleiswhatisapplicableregardlessofthespecificsofanysituation.Thedetails,ofcourse,arethevariablesthatdifferfromonesituationtothenext.Inourexampleabove,youwouldhavebeenfreedofyournegativefeelingspriortoreceivingyourphonecallfromyourfriendthemomentyourealizedthatyouwerecreatingyourownangryfeelingsbykeepingtheargumentaliveinyourthinking.Thisistrueregardlessofwhattheargumenthappenedtobeabout,howlongitlasted,howbaditwas,thelooksonyourco-worker’sface,andsoon.Thisiskeytounderstandingtheprincipleofhowthoughtworks.

If,however,youhadgonetoatraditionalpsychotherapisttodealwiththisissue,youwouldundoubtedlyhavebeeninstructedtofocusonanddealwiththespecificdetailsinvolved,suchashowyoufeltduringtheargument,aftertheargument,andsoforth.

Understandingtheprincipleofthoughtallowsyoutosetasidetheconfusingdetailsthatgoalongwithanyproblemsothatyoucanseehowtostop

generatingyourmentalanguishinthefirstplace.Thedetailsofyourproblemsdon’tmatterintermsoflearninghowtobelessaffectedbythem.Theyapplyonlytospecificissues.Thecontentofyourthoughtsbecomesaproblemonlywhenyouforgetthattheyarejustthoughts.

Thedynamicsofunhappinessarebestunderstoodasaprinciplewhichisalwaysthesame.Theonlyobstaclesstandinginthewayofmentalhealtharenegativeandinsecurethoughtsthatwebecomeabsorbedinto.Withoutrealizingthatwearetheproducersofthosethoughts,wearevictimsofourownthinking.Whenweunderstand,however,thatweareputtingonourownshow,webecomeempoweredtoimprovethequalityofourlives.Whateverthespecificthoughtsthatmakeusunhappy,theyarestillonlythoughts.Andasthoughts,theyhavenopowertohurtus.

GenuineSadnessYoumaybethinking,ifthecauseofournegativefeelingsandunhappinessisalwaysourownthinking,isthereanylegitimacyinfeelingsadness?Theanswerisanabsoluteyes.It’simportant,however,todrawadistinctionbetweengenuinesadnessandbecomingimmobilizedbyyourownthinkingtothepointofbecomingunhappyforanextendedperiodoftime.

Genuinesadnessisanaturalpartoflife.Thereisnothingunhealthyaboutit.Sadnessresultswheneveryoufeelasenseoflossordisappointment.Suppose,forexample,yourchildishurtinanaccident.It’scrazytoassumeyouwouldn’tfeelanysadnessaboutthisevent.Ofcourseyouwould.Thesadnessyoudidfeelwouldincludefeelingsofconcern,compassion,and,perhaps,gratitude.Inthisway,sadnessisaverypositivefeeling.Itremindsyouofwhatyouhave,orinsomecaseswhatyouhad.Sadnessisn’tsomethingtorunorhidefrom,it’srealandimportant.Itaddstremendousdepthtoyourlife.

AsIwillexplaininchapter14,thefeelingofsadnesscomesandgoes.It’snotpermanent,anditdoesnotnecessarilyhavetoleadtoafeelingofdespairorhopelessness.Inorderforsadnesstoturnintounhappiness,depression,orhopelessness,youwouldhavetoholdontothethoughtsabouttheeventyouwereexperiencing.So,asintheaboveexample,insteadoffeelingsadnessaboutyourchild’saccidentandthenmovingon,youmightcontinueorevenmagnifyyourthoughtsabouttheeventuntiltheybegantooverwhelmyou.Thoughtslike‘OhmyGod,whatamIgoingtodoifshedoesn’tgetbetter?’begintofillyourhead.Asyoupayfurtherattentiontotheseadditionalthoughtsabouttheevent,yourgenuinesadnesstrans-formsitselfintoanegativestateofmind.

Itboilsdowntothis:genuinesadnesscanleadtoafeelingoflove,whereasgettingcaughtinthedynamicofunhappinessusuallyleadstoself-pityandhopelessness.Ifyoucanseethatit’snotonlypossible,butinfactdesirabletofeelsadnesswithoutbecomingimmobilizedbyit,youwillbeonyourwaytoexperiencingallnegativeeventsinanentirelynewway.Itjusttakesalittlepracticeatdismissingtheextrathoughtsthatkeepthesadnessalive.

Whenapainfuleventtakesplace,suchasthebreakupofarelationship,it’sasthoughyouareataforkintheroad.Onedirection,the‘highroad’,leadstogrowthandgratitude;theother,the‘lowroad’,leadsstraighttotheemotionaldump.Thedirectionyoutakedependsentirelyonyourlevelofunderstanding.

Thehighroadallowsyoutofeelthesenseofloss,yetwhenthoughtslike‘Whyme?’enteryourmind,youdismissthem.Inthisway,you’llstillfeelthesadness,buttheseverityanddurationofyoursadnesswillbelimited,andyour

sadnesswon’tturnintoanongoingnegativestateofmind.Dismissingthesethoughtsisn’tthesameasdenial.Youaredismissingyournegativethoughtsforonereasonalone–toreconnectwithyourhealthyfunctioning.Whenyoudo,yourwisdomwilltellyouwhattodonext.

Thelowroadinvolvesfeelingyoursadnessbutalsopayingattentiontothepainfulthoughtsthatkeepenteringyourmind.Withoutconsciouslydecidingtodismissyourpainfulthoughts,thethoughtswillfeedupononeanother.‘Whyme?’willbefollowedbyanynumberofothernegative,painfulthoughtsthatwillsoonactlikeasnowballrollingdownamountain.Onethoughtwillleadtoanotherandthenanother.Prettysoon,yourentiremindisfilledwithsadnessandself-pity.

Theonlywaytoavoidthisdynamicistobeacutelyawarethatthisiswhatwillhappenunlessyouconsciouslydecidetodismissyoursadthoughtsastheyenteryourmind.Anyonecanhandlethethought‘Whyme?’Thehardpartiswhenonesadthoughtturnsintotensadthoughts.

Manypeoplehonestlybelievethatit’snaturaltofeeldepressed,overwhelmed,frustrated,orimmobilizedwhencertaineventstakeplace,suchasthelossofalovedone,aterminaldisease,abreakup,oradivorce.Thisisnotnecessarilythecase.Whatistrueisthatit’snaturaltofeelsadness.But,aswehaveseen,sadnessdoesn’tnecessarilyhavetoturnintoall-outnegativity.

Understandingthoughtandthedynamicsofunhappinessallowsustofeelthenaturalhumanfeelingsthatweallsharewithoutallowingthesefeelingstogetthebetterofus.Thisunderstandingdoesnotinvolveignoringorrepressingnaturalemotions,butratherlearningthatfeelingsandthoughtsneednotoverwhelmus.Instead,youcanlearntouseyourfeelingsasanavigationaltooltoguideyouthroughdifficulttimesandpointyoutowardscontentment.

Fourteen/GriefandLoss

Wehavetocometoanimportantdistinctionthatliesattheheartoflearningtofeelbetter.Thisdistinctionhastodowiththedifferencebetweenhavingpainfulthoughtsandturningthosepainfulthoughtsintoanegativestateofmind.Thepurposeofthischapteristoshowyouthatyoucanhaveonewithouttheother.

Wheneversomethingpainfuloccursinyourlife,suchasalossofsomekind,youarequitenaturallygoingtohavethoughtsaboutthatevent.Manyofthesethoughtsaregoingtobepainfulthoughts,thoughtsofregret,confusion,orloss.Thespecificcontentofthesepainfulthoughtswill,ofcourse,varyfrompersontoperson.

Thoughts,inandofthemselves,painfulornot,havenorealitytothem.Theyarejustthoughts.Ifyourpainfulthoughtscomeandgo,theywillbelikeallyourotherthoughts.Theywillenteryourmindandthenfloatfromyourconsciousness.Forexample,afterlosingsomeoneyouloveyoumighthavethethought,‘I’llneverseeheragain.I’mgoingtomissher.’Withthesethoughtsyouwillfeelacorrespondingemotionalfeeling,inthiscase,sadness,whichisnatural.

Thenatureofthoughtsisthattheydocomeandgo.Inthisexample,thethought‘I’llneverseeheragain.I’mgoingtomissher,’willdriftfromyourconsciousness–andaminutelateryouwillbehavingadifferentsetofthoughts.Thenewthoughtsmightberelatedtoyoursenseofloss,ortheymightbeunrelated.Youcanseethatasthoughtscrossyourmindanddriftawaynaturally,theyareharmless.Yourknowledgeofthepassingnatureofthoughtsisthefactorthatallowsthemtopassmorequicklyanddriftfromyourconsciousness.Inotherwords,becauseyouknowthatyourpainfulthoughtsareonlytemporary,theyhavelessnegativeimpactonyourstateofmindanddon’tstaywithyouaslong.Becauseyouknowtheyaretemporary,youareabletopaylessattentiontothem.

If,insteadoflettingthesethoughtsdriftthroughyourmind,youholdontothem,makethemrealandgivethemsignificancebypayingthemundueattention,theywillstaypresentinyourminduntiltheybecomeadepression.

Asathoughtstayswithyouitbeginstotakeitseffectonthewayyoufeel.Evenathoughtaboutaminorissuesuchasapersondrivingtooslowlyinfrontofyoucansendyoucrazyifitdoesn’tleaveyourmindquicklyenough.Wehavetheability,ifwesochoose,tomakeanythoughtsaspermanentaswewish.Thisispreciselywhysomanypeopleliveinanalmostconstantstateof

Thisispreciselywhysomanypeopleliveinanalmostconstantstateoffrustrationandirritation–oftenovertrivialthings.Theythinkaboutsomethingandhangontothethoughtasifdoingsowassomehowgoingtohelp.

Peoplewhofindthemselvesinthispredicamentoftencometotheconclusionthattheobjectoftheirthinking(i.e.theslowdriverinfrontofyou)isthecauseoftheirnegativefeeling.Thisisn’ttrue.Theslowdriverislonggoneandoutofthepicture–otherthaninyourownmind.Theactualcauseofthenegativefeelingyouareexperiencingistheexcessthoughtaboutthedriver.Ifyouhaddismissedthethoughtsthatenteredyourmindinsteadoffocusedonthem,youmayhavefeltsomeslightirritation,buttheeventwouldn’thaveturnedintoanegativefeelingstate.Thesamecauseforunhappinessistruewhetheryourissueisapainfulpast,anuncertainfuture,afeelingofhopelessness,anungratefulspouse,toomuchresponsibility,ornotenoughmoney.It’salwaysthethoughtsyouhaveaboutevents,nottheeventsthemselvesthatcreatethefeelingsyouexperience.Youcanhavethoughtsaboutanyissue,nomatterhowpainfulitmaybe,andbeshieldedfromfeelingbad.Yourthoughtscannothurtyouaslongasyourememberthatyouarethethinkerofyourownthoughtsandthatyourthoughtsarecreatingthefeelingsyouareexperiencing.Aslongasyouletthesethoughtscomeandgo,theireffectonyouwillbeminimal.

A‘feelingstate’isastateofmindthatcomesaboutbykeepingthoughtsatthefrontofyourmind.Anytimeyouholdontoordwellonathought,beitpositiveornegative,youshiftfromastateofpassingthoughts,whichhavenopotentialtoharmyou,toastateofmindor‘feelingstate’whichdoeshavethepotentialtoharmyou.

Ifweletthemsimmerinourminds,ourthoughtswillcreatethefeelingsweexperience.Apassingthoughtsuchas‘Myhusbandmightbehavinganaffair’hasnopowertohurtyou.If,however,thatidenticalthoughtisrepeated,ifitleadstoothersimilar,relatedthoughtsandanalysisofallthenegativepossibilities,discussionwithatherapistaboutyourfears,andsoforth,thissameinnocentandharmlessthoughtcanturnintoafeelingstateofinsecurity,jealousy,orfear.Thethoughtitselfwasharmless–andyoucouldverywellhaveletitpassawaylikeallyourotherthoughts.It’swhatyoudowithathought,andhowyourelatetoathought,notthethoughtitself,thatdetermineshowyouaregoingtofeelandreact.

It’smoredifficulttogetoutofanegativefeelingstatethanitistopreventyourselffromgettingintoone.Onceyouunderstandthedynamicsofthought,preventingnegativefeelingstatescanbeverysimple.Inthesamewaythatyou

wouldturndownaglassofwaterthatwasofferedtoyouifyourthirstwasalreadyquenched,youcanlearntoletthoughtsdriftfromyourmindifyourmindhashadenough.Onceyouknowtheendresultofdwellingonyourthoughts–afeelingstate–overthinkinglosesitsappeal.

Eventhoughitcanbedifficulttopullyourselfoutofanegativefeelingstate,itispossible,onceyouseewherethenegativitystemsfrom–inyourownthoughts.Whenyouarealreadyinanegativestateofmind,negativityisallyousee.Thenegativityitself,however,alwaysstemsfromthesameplace.Itstemsfromholdingontowhatevernegativethoughtsyouwerehaving.Simplethoughtslike‘I’llneverbeanygoodatthat’canbedismissedandletgoof,ortheycanbefocusedon,studied,analysed,ordweltupon.Ifyouletgoofthisthought,letitpassthroughyourmindlikeotherthoughts,theeffectonyouremotionalwell-beingwillbeinsignificant.If,however,youmakesomethingofthethought,studyit,andgiveitsignificance,youwillhaveopenedthedoorforunnecessaryandalmostcertainpain.Wealldothistoourselves,tovariousextents,everyday.Withproperunderstanding,however,wecanreduce,toalargedegree,thisself-inflictedpainandsuffering.

Themostdifficultpartofthisunderstandingtograsp,andsomethingthatisabsolutelycriticaltounderstand,isthatwhenyouarefeelinglow,youwillrarelyrealizewhatyouhavedonetoyourself.Youprobablywon’trealizethatyouhaveheldontoanegativethought,orseriesofnegativethoughts,tothepointofturningthosethoughtsintoanegativefeelingstate.Youprobablywon’trealizethatyouhaveturnedapassingthoughtintoan‘institution’inyourmind.Instead,youwillbetemptedtobelieve,evenarguethepoint,‘Iwasn’tthinkingnegatively,Ijustfeelbad.Ihaverealproblems.’Inordertoimplementthisunderstandingfully,youmustseewhereallnegativefeelingstatescomefrom–thought.It’sreallyanall-or-nothingunderstanding.Youmustseethatit’simpossibletofeeljealouswithoutfirsthavingjealousthoughts,it’simpossibletofeelangrywithoutfirsthavingangrythoughts,it’simpossibletofeelworriedwithoutfirsthavingworriedthoughts,andit’simpossibletofeeldepressedwithoutfirsthavingdepressingthoughts.Iknowthissoundsobvious,butinawayit’snot.Becausethoughtsandfeelingsaresocloselylinked,it’sverydifficulttoseewhat’shappeningtoyourself–whileit’shappening.Thetimeittakestolinknegativethoughtstogethertocreateanegativefeelingstateisaboutthesameastheamountoftimeittakestoflickonalightswitchandseethelight–it’sinstant.It’simportanttounderstandthattherearenoexceptionstothisprinciple,evenwhenitseemsasthoughthereare.It’salwaysgoingtoseemas

thoughanegativefeelingstateexistsonitsown–asifitjusthappenedtoyououtoftheblue.Itdidn’t!Itstemmedfromthoughtsthatwerekeptinyourmindtoolong.Thegoodnewsisthatbecausefeelingstatesstemfromyourownthoughts,youcanlearntohavecontroloverthefeelingstateyouareinbylearningtodismissnegativethoughtsastheyenteryourmind.

Theminddoesn’tdealverywellinabstractions.Whenyouaren’tfeelingemotionallywell,yourmind,inanattempttoexplainitspredicament,attachesitselftosomethingtangible.Soratherthanjustallowingyourselfsimplytofeelbadknowingthatyournegativefeelingscamefromyourownthoughts,yourmindsearchesforamoresophisticatedexplanation.‘Ifeelbadbecausemylifeisnogood,’or‘IfeelbadbecauseIamsick,’becometheso-calledreasonsforourmisery.Themindonlydoesthisoutofhabit.Thereasonswecomeupwithseemtous,andtoeveryoneelse,tomakecompletesense,sowecontinuebelievinginthem.Wethinkaboutthereasonsfrequently,wetalktoothersaboutthereasons,andsoforth.Wedothiswithoutrealizingthatalthoughwearesearchingforasolutiontoourproblems,whatwearereallydoingismakingourselvesfeelworsebyfindingexplanationsforourunhappiness.Onceyouknowthatthereasonsyoucomeupwitharen’tthecauseofyourmisery–butthatyourmind’sreactiontothosereasonsis–youcan’thelpbutfeelbetter.

Themindisverypersistentinitseffortstoexplainwhywefeelbad.Asoneexplanationprovesmeaninglessintermsofmakingyoufeelbetter,themindwillsearchforanotherexplanation.Ifthethought‘ThereasonI’munhappyisthatIhavethewrongmate’doesn’thelp,themindtriesagain:‘ThereasonI’munhappyisthatIhadaterriblechildhood.’Themindwillsearchandsearchfortherightanswer,wheninfacttherightanswerisalwaysthesame.It’syourthoughtsaboutevents–nottheeventsthemselves–thatmakethemseempainful.Ifyourpainfulthoughtscancomeandgo,alleventscanbelookedatwiththesameperspectiveandunderstanding.Theotheroptionistocontinuetodwellonthereasonsyoufeelbad.Unfortunately,thisoptionbecomesawayoflifeformany.

Noonelikespainandsufferingandnoonewantstofeelbad.Thedifferencebetweenapersonwhocanexperiencepainfuleventsintheirlifeina‘healthy’waymeaningtheygetthroughpainfuleventsgracefullyandthosepeoplewhobecomeimmobilizedbysimilareventshastodowiththeirrelationshiptotheirownthoughts.Thequestionis,canyouhavethoughts,evennegativeones,andletthempass?Ordoyouholdontoyourthoughts,interferingwiththenaturalflowandrhythmofyourthoughts,tothepointoflettingyourthoughtshurtyour

emotionallife?Theotherquestiontoaskyourselfis,canyourecognizethatthoughtsarejustthoughts,imagesyoucreateinyourmind?Ordoyoubelievethatifthoughtsenteryourmindyoumustentertainandgivesignificancetothem,asiftheyhadalifeoftheirown?Youranswertothesequestionswilldetermineyourabilitytolearntopullyourselfoutofanegativefeelingstate.Ifyoucanallowyourselftohavewhateverthoughtsyouhave,whileatthesametimemaintainingtheunderstandingthatyourthoughtsarenotrealityandcannotaffectyouinanegativeway,youwillbeabletoletthempass.

Whenyouhaveahealthyrelationshiptoyourownthinking,youcanhaveanunlimitednumberofnegativethoughtspassthroughyourmind.Nomatterhowstrong,painful,orcompellingyourthoughtsmaybe,youarestillabletoseethemasjustthoughts.Aslongasyouletyourthoughtscomeandgo,andaslongasyoudon’tmakemoreoutofthemthantheyreallyare,youwillalwaysfeelOKandhaveasenseofperspective.Evenyourmostdifficulttimeswon’tbeashardastheywouldotherwisebe,andyouwillbeabletopullyourselfoutofnegativefeelingstates.

Sarahhadbeendespondentformanymonthsafterthedeathofherfather.Intherapyshewastoldthatgriefwasnaturalandnecessaryandthatsheshouldcontinueto‘getintouchwithherfeelings’.Andwhilethisadviceisinparttrue,hertherapistnevertoldSarahthatthedegreeofhergriefwasdeterminedsolelybythethoughtsshewashavingaboutherdeceasedfather.Whileshewasthinkingaboutthelossofherfathershewouldfeelhergrief,butwhileshewasgoingaboutherday,thinkingaboutotherthings,thegriefwouldn’tbepresent.Inotherwords,thegriefitselfwasn’tapermanentinstitutioninherlife,itwasafluctuatingandconstantlychangingphenomenon.Sarahdidlearntogetintouchwithherfeelings,butunfortunatelythatwasallshelearned.Shewassointouchwithherpainfulfeelingsthatshecouldn’tfeelanythingelse.Whensheaskedhertherapisttohelpher,thesuggestionwasgiven,‘Youhaven’tgonedeepenoughintoyourpain.’

WhenSarahcontactedme,shewantedtoknowwhethertheprinciplesIteachappliedto‘serious,real-lifeproblems’.WorkingwithSarahwasverysimple.Shelearnedtheessenceofwhatwehavebeencoveringinthischapter:sometimesgriefcanbeoverwhelming,othertimesitwillbeminor,andoftenitwon’tbethereatall.Theideathatsometimeshergriefwasn’tthereatallturnedouttobeverysignificantforSarah.Shehadbeentaughtintherapythatifshewasn’tfeelingbad,shewasn’tbeingtruetoherrealfeelings!Herresponseto

thissuggestionwastofeelguiltyandtofocusonherpainfulthoughtsallthetimesothatshewouldbe‘properlygrieving’.Hertherapist’sadvicewasutternonsense!Thetruthis,Sarahwasbeingtruetoherfeelings.Whatshedidn’tunderstand,andwhatsheneededtoknow,wasthathernegativefeelingswereonlypresentwhileshewasthinkingaboutherfather.Shedidn’trealizethatitwashealthyandnaturalnottofeelbadallthetime.Grieving,Sarahlearned,isaprocesswherebyonefeelsbadsomeofthetime,butnotallofthetime!It’ssillytobelievethatonlyyournegativefeelingsareyour‘real’feelings.

ThisinsightcameasatremendousreliefforSarah,whohadbeenledtobelievethatgrievingwassomethingthatexistedonitsown,somethingpermanentthatwoulddisappearonlythroughthepassageoftime.GriefquicklybecameabeautifulexperienceforSarah.Shenowunderstoodthatthefeelingsshewashavingweretemporaryandever-changing,andlearnednottobefrightenedanddepressedbythem.Shedevelopedasenseofgratitudeaboutherfatherthathadbeensuppressedbyherpowerfulfeelingsofgrief.

It’snotthatSarah’snegativefeelingsweren’trealorjustified–theymostcertainlywere.ButSarahhadbeensooverwhelmedbyherownthoughtsthatshehadlostsightofthebeautifulfeelingsshehadforherfather.Warm,gratefulfeelingswerethewaySarahwantedtorememberhim.Fortunately,sheisnowabletodojustthat.

TheContentofYourThoughtsIsn’tRelevantEveryonehastheirownuniqueandimportantstorytotell.Almosteveryonefeelsthatthespecificdetailsoftheirlife,certainsignificanteventsandoccurrences,explainwhytheyfeelunhappy.Theypointtotheirpast,theirpresentcircumstances,theirissues,theirproblems,ortheiruncertainfutureasthecauseoftheirsuffering.Thegeneralfeelingisthatifyoucanexploreandresolvetheseissues,yourhappinesswillmagicallyappear.Althoughmanypeoplefindthisdifficulttoaccept,it’sneverthelesstrueandit’scriticalifyouwanttolearntohavecontroloverhowyoufeel–thatthespecificcontentofyournegativethoughtsisn’trelevant.Whetheryournegativethoughtshavetodowithbeingmistreated,losingyourjob,financialstrain,relationshipdifficulty,griefandloss,orsimplythegeneralthoughtsyouhaveabouthowhardlifeis,theunderlyingissuehastodowithwhatyoudidwiththosethoughtsandhowyourelatetothosethoughts,notthethoughtsthemselves.Thisunderstandingiscriticalbecauseyouwillalwayshaveanunlimitedsupplyofpainfulexamples

thatcanbedrummedupandseenastheexceptiontothisrule.Youcanalwaysconvinceyourselfofthingslike,‘It’struethatthoughtsarejustthoughts–butthesethoughtsaremoreimportantthanalltheothers.Afterall,Ihaverealproblems.’Youwillalwaysbeabletopointtotheoneseriousorpainfuleventthatyoucan’tforget,orthatdoesn’tapply.

Onepersonmighthavelostherhusbandinacarcrashandanothermighthavebeenabusedasachild.Bothareunquestionablypainfulanddifficultsituationstohavehadtohavegonethrough.Noonewoulddenythatbotharecircumstancesthateveryonewouldhopetoavoid,andwecancertainlyhavecompassionforthosewhogothroughthem.However,ifthepersonwholostherhusbandisawareofherhealthyfunctioningandisabletoletherthoughtsabouttheeventpassthroughhermind,andthepersonwhowasabusedasachildholdsontoherthoughts,asifhernegativeexperienceswerehappeningalloveragain,thepersonwholostherhusbandwillfarebetterthanthepersonwhowasabused,intermsoffeelinggoodandenjoyingherlife.LikeSarah,thepersonwholostherhusbandinacarcrashisgoingtohaveplentyofpainfulthoughtstocontendwith.Thequestionisgoingtobehowsherelatestoherthoughts.Doessheletthemcomeandgo,ordoesshegivethosethoughtstoomuchattentionandkeeptheminthefrontofhermind?

Keepinmindasyoutakeinthismaterialthatthewomanwholostherhusbandisnotdenyingorpretendingthattheeventitselfwasn’tterriblypainful,norisshepretendingthatthememoryoftheeventisn’tpainful.Sheissimplyacknowledgingherthoughtsandfeelings,knowingthatshehasthepotentialtoletherthoughtscomeandgo.Sheisawarethatwhensheisengagedinherhealthyfunctioning,shewillfeelOK,andhermemoryofherhusbandwillbeaninspiringinsteadofregretfulexperience.Ifshedidn’tknowabouthealthyfunctioning,andaboutherabilitytoletgoofherthoughts,andinsteadheldontothem,shealmostcertainlywouldturnherpassingthoughtsintoanegativefeelingstate,ifnotastateofdownrightdepression.Thehardersheheldon,themorepainfulherrecoverywouldbe.

Evenasupportgrouportherapistwhoseintentionsarepurelygoodcanpotentiallyharma‘victim’byencouraginghertothinkaboutandtalkaboutherthoughts,asifthosethoughtshadalifeoftheirown.Remember,‘thought’isyourabilitytocreateimagesinyourownmind.Theimagesthemselvesarenotreal.Ifyouknowtheyarejustimages–andyourtherapistorsupportgroupsharesthisunderstanding–thendiscussingorthinkingaboutthepainfuleventsinyourlife(whicharenowonlyimages)canbeliberating,inspiring,evenbeautiful.Butthinkingaboutanddiscussingpainfuleventsforthesakeof

beautiful.Butthinkingaboutanddiscussingpainfuleventsforthesakeofgettingintoyourpainisdownrightdangerous.Itcanturnanalreadyunhappyeventsuchasthelossofalovedoneintoanightmare.

Imagine,foramoment,afive-year-oldchildwhotellsyouaboutthe‘badman’wholivesbehindhisbooksonhisbookshelf.Wouldyouhavehimexplainingreatdetail,overandoveragain,whatthebadmanlookslike,whatkindsofthingshedoes,andwhyhe’ssoscary?Wouldyouaskthechildthesequestionseveryweek,foryearsandyears?Ofcoursenot.Thereasonyouwouldn’tisbecauseyouwouldbemakingthechild’simaginationseemrealtohim.Youwouldbeencouraginghimtobefrightenedbyhisownthoughts!Itwouldbefarmoreusefultothechildifyouweretohelphimseethatthereisnoneedtofearhisownthoughts.

Theonlydifferencebetweenachild’simaginationandrealeventsisthattherealeventshappened–once.Rightnow,however,inreallife,inthismoment,imaginedeventsalongwitheventsthatreallydidhappenorthatmighthappenarejustthoughtsinthemind.

Manyyearsago,oneofthebestfriendsI’veeverhad,alongwithhislovelyfemalecompanion,weretragicallykilledbyadrunkdriverontheirwaytomyweddingparty.Thiswasatrulytragicevent,onethatIwillneverforget.Myloveforthisfriendwillforeverbeinmyheartaswillmycompassionforhiswonderfulfamily.ThereareveryfewdaysthatgobythatIdon’thavepassingthoughtsaboutourtremendousfriendship,orthoughtsoflossandsadness.

Evenyearslater,whenthesethoughtspassthroughmymind,Ihavemomentsofsadnessorloss.Asthethoughtsdriftthroughmymind,however,Iknowtheyarejustpassingthoughts.Ineverpretendthatthethoughtsaren’twithme,nordoIevenwantthemtogoaway.Ijustallowthemtodriftaway,thesamewaythatotherthoughtsdriftaway.Ineverforgetthattheyarejustthoughts.Thisdoesn’tdiminishtheloveIfeelorthegratitudeIhaveforhisplaceinmylife.Infact,justtheoppositeistrue.Icanaffordemotionallytocherishhismemorybecausemythoughtsdon’tfrightenme,nordotheylowermyspirits.IfIwerefrightenedoroverlysaddenedbymythoughtsaboutmyfriend,Iwouldhavetoavoidthinkingabouthim.ThiswouldreducethegratitudeIhaveinmyheart–somethingIwouldneverchoosetodo.

WhatifThoughtsNeedtoBeAddressed?Whatdoyoudowhenaspecificthoughtorseriesofthoughtsreallyneedstobeaddressed?Youcertainlycan’tnorwouldyouwanttodismisseverythoughtthat

goesthroughyourmind.Oftenit’sappropriateanddesirabletothinkaboutsomething.

Whenyouhavetheunderstandingthatthoughtsarejustthoughts,thattheyhavenolifeoftheirown,andyouknowthatyouhavethepowertoletthoughtspass,youareprotected,toaverylargedegree,fromtheeffectsofthosethoughts.Forexample,youmighthavethethought,‘Myhusbandhasn’tbeenverykindtomelately.’Thefactthatyouhavethisthoughtdoesn’tnecessarilymeanyoushouldn’tponderitfurther.Maybeyoushould.Youarealwaysinthedriver’sseatwhenyourememberthatyouaretheonedoingthethinking!Asyourememberthatyouarethethinker,andasyourememberthatit’syourthoughts,notyourhusband,thataremakingyoufeelthewayyoudo,youcreatenewoptionsinyourlife.Youcancontinuetothinkaboutyourhusband–whyhehasn’tbeenkindtoyou,orperhapsthatthereissomethingwrongwithhim–butifyoubegintofeelalittleoverwhelmedbyyourownthinking,youcanletthethoughtsgoandalwayschoosetoreturntothemlater.

Whenyouletgoofthoughtsthataretakingyouintoanegativefeelingstate,youarenotsacrificingyourabilitytodealwithasituation.Inthecaseofourexampleabouttheunkindhusband,youhavealreadyenteredthenecessaryinformationintoyourmemory.Thefactthatyouhavestoppedthinkingabouthowunkindhehasbeenwillopenthedoortoyourwisdom,andyouwillknowwhattodoaboutthesituation.Youmaydecidetotalktoyourhusband,youmaydecidetobecomemoreobservant,oryoumaydecidetodonothing,fornow.You’llknow,becauseyourwisdom,orcommonsense,isn’ttiedexclusivelytoyourintellect;itcomesfromadifferentplace–aplaceofquietinyourconsciousness.

Ifyou’rehavingfinancialtroubleorsomeotherworry,thebestyoucandoistoacknowledgetheproblemandthethoughtsyouarehaving,andthenjustknowthatyouneedananswer.Ifyoutrustyourwisdom,itwillalwaystellyouwhetheryouneedtoseekanothercareer,improveyourexistingskills,orfindsomeothersolution.Thinkingabouttheproblemtoexcesswillonlyloweryourspiritsfurther,makingasolutionlesslikely.Ifyouabsolutelymustthinkabouttheproblem,dosoknowingthatyouaretheonedoingthethinking.Youaretheonedictatinghowyouarefeelingbasedentirelyonhowmanythoughtsyouarelettingpassandhowmanyyouareholdingonto.

Thegoalofthisunderstandingisnottodenyyourexperience,norisitabouttryingtogetridofyourthoughts.Infact,it’sjusttheopposite;it’saboutopeningtoyourexperience.Thereisnothingtobefrightenedofregardingyour

ownthoughtsorfeelings–thereisnothingtheycandotohurtyou.Thisunderstandingisaboutlearningtoacceptthoughtsforwhattheyare.

Thereisnoneedtoturnthemintomorethantheyreallyareortotakethemtooseriously.Inalllikelihood,youwillspendsomemoments,everydayfortherestofyourlife,thinkingatleastafewnegative,fearful,orpainfulthoughts.Whenyouunderstandtheharmlessnatureofthoughts,youcancometopeacewithyourownthinking.Youcanopenlyacceptwhateverthoughtshappentobeinyourmind,andastheypassthroughyourmindinahealthiermanner,thefeelingsyouhaveaboutthosethoughtswillbegintochange,andasoftnessandinnerpeacewillcomeabout.Ratherthanbeingfrightenedoroverwhelmedbythoughtsyouarehaving,youwillmaintainasenseofperspective.

Aslongasyoucanletyourthoughtscomeandgo,youwillnoticethattheeffectofthosethoughtsonyourwell-beingwillbeminimal.Youwillspendmoretimeinyourhealthyfunctioningandlesstimeabsorbedinyourownthoughts.Whenyoumustdealwithsomethingasdifficultasgriefandloss,it’scriticaltorememberthatevenpainfulthoughtswilldriftaway–andwhentheydoyoucanreturntoyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioningandtoastateofcontentment.

Fifteen/IllnessandDeath

Whenconsideringaseriousillnessortheanticipationofdeathwithaterminalillness,youwillnoticeastrikingsimilarity,inanemotionalsense,totheconsiderationofgriefandloss.Thedifferencebetweentheselife-eventsisthatgriefandlosshavetodowithsomethingpainfulthathasalreadyhappened,whereasdealingwithimpendingdeathhastodowithsomethingpainfulthatisyettohappen.Illness,ofcourse,hastodowithsomethingthatishappeningrightnow.

Thedynamicsofthoughtdonotchangewhenyouarefacinganillnessordeath,oranyotherpainfuleventthatisyettohappenorishappeningnow.Itisstillthethoughtsyouhaveabouttheillnessordeaththatcreateyouremotionaldisturbance–nottheillnessordeathitself.Thisisthekeytounderstandingwhatdistinguishesapersonwhocanacceptthepainfulpartsoflifeandmoveonfromapersonwhobecomesimmobilizedbythesamesetoffacts.Obviously,noonelikestodealwiththepainfulpartsoflife,butthosewhounderstandthedynamicsoftheirownthinkingarefarmoreequippedtohandlethem.

Likeallthoughts,youwillnoticethatyourthoughtsaboutillnessanddeathwillcomeandgo.Therewillbetimeswhenyouthinkaboutyourpredicamentandtimeswhenyouthinkaboutsomethingelse.Therewillbetimeswhenyoufeelsad,angry,orfrustrated,andtherewillbeothertimeswhenyoufeelOK.Theimportantpointisthis:ifyourphysicalconditionwasactuallycausingyouremotionalpainthenyou,andeveryoneelsefacingasimilartrauma,wouldbeinemotionalpainallthetime.Butthisisn’ttrue.Theemotionalpainyouexperiencewillcomeandgowithyourthoughts.Asyoubecomeabletowitnessthepartnershipbetweenyourthoughtsandyourpain–aswellastherelationshipbetweenalackofthoughtsandyourlackofpain–youwillgraduallybeabletorelaxandletgowhenyouareexperiencingpain.Aclientofminewhowasabouttolosehisspousetodeathputitthisway:‘Iusedtobeacompletevictimofwhateverthoughtswerecrossingmymind,likeashipinaviolentstormwithoutawheel.NowIfeellikethecaptainofmyownship.Mywheelismyunderstandingthatmythoughtsarecreatingmypain.Inowhaveatleastsomecontrolovermythoughts.It’snotthatIneverexperiencepain–Imostcertainlydo–butmyperspectiveisentirelydifferent.IknowthatIamnavigatingmyownship.Thestormismuchcalmer.’

Ifyouorsomeoneyouloveisfacingdeathorconfrontingtheimplicationsofaseriousillness,itiscertainlygoingtobedifficult.However,thefactthatyou

aseriousillness,itiscertainlygoingtobedifficult.However,thefactthatyoumustgothroughsuchanexperienceisallthemorereasontolearntolivetherestofyourlifewithapeacefulinnerfeeling,ratherthanbeingconsumedbyyourillness.Understandingthedynamicsofthoughtisthewaytogoaboutachievingasenseofinnerpeace.

RamDass,aWesternphilosopherwhoisknownforhisabilitytocomfortindividualswhoaredying,toldastoryaboutawomanhewasworkingwithwhowasdyingofcancer.Withonlyafewweekslefttolive,thisdearwomanwasspendingvirtuallyallofheravailableenergythinkingaboutanddiscussinghowawfulitwastobedying.RamDasssaidsomethingtoherthatspeaksratherpointedlytotheissueofanticipatingdeath:‘Doyouthinkitwouldbepossibletospendlesstimedyingandmoretimeliving?’Thefirstmomenthesaidthistoher,thewomanwasoffendedandangry.‘Howcouldyoubesoinsensitiveandcruel?’shesaid.Butafewmomentslater,afterseeingthesincerityinRamDass’seyes,shetappedintothespiritofwhathewassaying.‘Youareright,’shesaid,‘I’vebeensobusydyingthatIcompletelyforgottolive.’Oneweeklaterthewomandied.Beforeshedied,however,shetoldRamDass,‘Ihavelivedmorethislastweekthaninallmypreviousdays.’

Manypeople,myselfincluded,havebeencriticizedforsuggestingthatapersonwhoissufferingordyingcouldpossiblyfindasenseofinnercontentment.Thecriticismusuallycomesintheformofaquestionsuchas‘Howcouldyoupossiblyunderstandwhatit’sliketosuffer?’Thiscriticismisunderstandable,especiallywhenitisdeliveredbysomeonewhoispersonallysuffering.However,it’simportanttoknowthatpeoplewhoaresufferingdon’twanttobesuffering.Theywanttolearnhowtolive,evenifthereisverylittletimelefttodoso.

Whenyouareanticipatinganything,evensomethingasdifficulttoacceptasdeath,itisjustthat–anticipation.Toanticipatemeansto‘lookforward’,tothinkaboutwhatityettobe.Anticipatingdeathisn’tdeathitself,it’syourthoughtsaboutdeath.Inthismoment,deathisbutanimageinyourmind–athought.

Toillustratethepoint,considerapersonwhoisn’tfacingaseriousorterminalillnessbutwholivesinfearofbecomingill.Therearemillionsofpeoplewhospendmostoftheirwakingdaythinkingaboutsomethingthatdoesn’tevenexist.Yettotheseindividualsthefearisoftenasrealasforthosewhotrulydofaceanillness.Suchisthepowerofthought.Whetheryouaresickorwell,yourthinkingcanhelpyouoritcandestroyyourlife.Thecriticalissue

intermsofemotionalwell-beingisn’tyourphysicalhealth,orthecircumstancesofyourlife,buttherelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinking,whatyoumakeofyourcircumstances.Doyoufocusoneveryfearfulthoughtthatentersyourmind?Doyouspendthepreciousmomentsoflifeanticipatingdeath?Orcanyoulearnthatthoughts–eventhemostpainfulones–arejustthoughtsandthatyoucandismissthemwhenyouchoosetodoso?

Thisisnotaprescriptionfordenial.Ifyouaresickordyingyoumustfacethetruth.Butyoudon’thavetocontaminatethetruthwithexcessivethinkingaboutyourcondition.Ifyoudo,youwillonlyfillyourremainingdayswithadditionalpainandsuffering.Thenowisallanyonereallyhas.

Thequalityofyourlifeisdeterminedsolelybytherelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinking.Ifyoufindyourselfanticipatingdeathorthinkingaboutillness,knowthatyoudohaveanotheroption.Youcandismissthethoughtsthatenteryourmindthewayyouwouldshoofliesawayfromyourpicniclunch.Youcanlearntolive,reallylive,inthepresentmoment.

Don’tAttachConditionstoYourContentmentIfyouarefacingaseriousorterminalillness,youdon’thavetheluxuryoftime.Don’tmakethemistakeofattachingunlikelyconditionstoyourhappiness,suchas,‘Icanonlybehappyifmyillnessdisappears.’Happinesscannotoccurwhenweplaceitssourceoutsideourselves.Ifweassumethatcertainconditionsmustbemetbeforewecanfeelcontentment,wearetoolatetoexperienceit.Manyterminallyillpatientsreportthattheydoexperiencefleetingmomentsofhappinessorcontentment,yetit’seasytoletthisgoodfeelingpassyoubywithoutduenotice.It’stemptingtoletyourmomentsofhappinessdriftawaywithyournextnegativeorfearfulthought.Youdon’thavetodothis.Youcanstayinagoodstateofmindbyrememberingthatyourthoughtsarethevehiclethatrobyouofyourhappiness.

It’sOKtofeelgoodevenifyourcircumstancesdon’tseemtowarrantthismorepositiveoutlook.Fearfulthoughtswillcontinuetoenteryourmindbutthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetofocusonthem.Ifyouthinkback,youwillrememberthatfearfulthoughtsfilledyourheadevenwhenyourbodywashealthy.

HealthyPsychologicalFunctioningandIllnessInnerturmoilwillalwayscomeabout–whetherornotyouarephysicallyill–whenyoutakethethingsyouthinkabouttooseriouslyandblowthemupinyourmindasiftheyhadalifeoftheirown.Forexample,supposethatyouareill.Yourdoctorwalksintotheroomandreportsthatyouhavetakenaturnfortheworse.Obviouslythisisregrettablenews,butthetruthis,youhavetwooptions.Thefirstoptioninvolveshealthypsychologicalfunctioningandconsistsoftakingthisinformationinoneear,lettingitflowthroughyourmindandoutoftheotherear.Doingsowillkeepyourmindfreeenoughtoknowwhattodonext.ShouldIrelaxmore?ShouldIgetanotheropinion?ShouldItakeanothercourseofaction?OrshouldIsimplyacceptmypredicamentandliveeachdaytoitsfullest?Whateveryourresponse,remaininginhealthyfunctioningwillallowyoutotakeacourseofactionornoneatall.Whateveryoudecidetodo,youwon’tallowyourmindtobecomepanickedoroverlyfrustratedwithself-pityingthoughts.Healthyfunctioningwillallowyoutoseewiththeclearestpossibleheadthebestsolutiongiventhefacts.Tappingintohealthyfunctioningwillalsoallowyoutoremaininthepresentmomentenoughtoappreciatefullythegiftofyourlife.Ratherthanfocusingonwhatisyettobe,youwillbeabletoremaincalm.Healthyfunctioningallowsyoutoliveeachmomentthatyouhavewithgratitudeandgrace.

Thesecondoptioninvolvesunhealthypsychologicalfunctioningandalsoconsistsoftakingintheinformationthedoctorisdelivering.Butinsteadoflettingitflowthroughyourmind,youwouldhavea‘thoughtattack’–focusingonandanalysingthenewstothepointofbecomingemotionallyparalysed.Soratherthanusingyouravailableenergytolive,youconsumeyourselfwithyourownthoughtsandcometotheconclusion,‘Whyme?’Insteadofremaininginthepresentmoment,youbeginanticipatingtheworst.Ratherthanspendingwhateverremainingmomentsyouhavewithasclearamindaspossible,allowingyoutobewithyourselforyourfamilyandlovedones,youallowyourmindtoraceforward,consumingitselfwithfear.

Becauseunhealthypsychologicalfunctioningcanturneventhesmallesteventintoapersonalnightmareinyourmind,youcanimaginehowdifficultitcanbetohandlesomethingverytraumatic,suchasaseriousorterminalillness.It’scriticaltorealizethattappingintoyourownhealthyfunctioningisthebestoptionyouhave.Itwon’ttakeawaytheillnessbutitwillmakeyoufeelbetteraboutit.

StressandIllnessInhisbook,TheStressofLife,HansSelyedemonstrateshowadrenalexhaustioncanbecausedbysevereemotionaltension,suchasgreatfrustrationorhopelessness.Hegoesontodetailmanyoftheeffectsofnegativeemotionsonbodychemistry.

Justasclutchingthesteering-wheelandgrittingourteethdoesn’tmakeourcargoanyfasterthroughtraffic,thinkingobsessivelyaboutanillnessdoesn’tmakeitgoaway.Infact,itappearstobejusttheopposite.Emotionalstressisverytaxingonthebody.Itexhaustsmanyofourvitalhealingmechanisms.Ibringthistoyourattentiontoreiteratethepracticalityofwhatyouarereading.Physicalsufferingisoneofthemostdifficultissuesapersonwilleverface.Unfortunately,withouttheunderstandingofhowthemindcanmakemattersevenworse,thesufferingyouexperiencewillincrease.

Thethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourillnessordeatharegoingtoenteryourmind–andthat’sOK.It’suptoyouwhatyoudecidetodoaboutthem.Rememberingthatthoughtswillalwayscomeandgoishelpful.Itgivesyouhopetoknowthattherearemanytimeswhenyourmindisclear,whenyouarefreetorelaxandenjoyyourlife.Asyouseehowthoughtsenterandleaveyourmindyouaremoreabletocontributetothisnaturalprocess.Ratherthanfightingyourthoughts,wishingthemawayorpushingthemaway,youcanbegintofeelempoweredbytheknowledgethatyouaretheonewhoisthinkingthemandthatyoucanhelpyourselfbylettingthemdriftfromyourconsciousness.

PerhapsthebestwaytosummarizetheimportanceofusingyourmindtoyouradvantageisexplainedinNormanCousins’classicbook,AnatomyofanIllness.Hedescribeshowamanwhowasnearly90wasabletousehismindtohelphisbody.

Marta,havingbeenthroughthesereluctancesbefore,re-assuredDonPablo,sayingshewascertainhewouldbestimulatedbythemeeting.Sheremindedhimthathelikedtheyoungpeoplewhodidthelastfilmingandthattheywouldprobablybebackagain.Inparticular,shecalledhisattentiontothelovelyyoungladywhodirectedtherecording.

DonPablobrightened.‘Yes,ofcourse,’hesaid,‘itwillbegoodtoseethemagain.’

Asbefore,hestretchedhisarmsinfrontofhimandextendedhisfingers.Thenthespinestraightenedandhestoodupandwenttohiscello.Hebegantoplay.Hisfingers,hands,andarmswereinsublime

cello.Hebegantoplay.Hisfingers,hands,andarmswereinsublimecoordinationastheyrespondedtothedemandsofhisbrainforthecontrolledbeautyofmovementandtone.Anycellistthirtyyearshisjuniorwouldhavebeenproudtohavesuchextraordinaryphysicalcommand.

TwiceinonedayIhaveseenthemiracle.Amanalmostninety,besetwiththeinfirmitiesofoldage,wasabletocastoffhisafflictions,atleasttemporarily,becauseheknewhehadsomethingofoverridingimportancetodo.Therewasnomysteryaboutthewayitworked,forithappenedeveryday.CreativityforPabloCasalswasthesourceofhisowncortisone.Itisdoubtfulwhetheranyanti-inflammatorymedicationhewouldhavetakenwouldhavebeenaspowerfulorassafeasthesubstancesproducedbytheinteractionofhisbodyandmind.

Hewentontosaysomethingthatspeakstotheessenceofthischapter.

Theprocessisnotstrange.Ifhehadbeencaughtupinanemotionalstorm,theeffectswouldhavebeenmanifestedinanincreasedflowofhydrochloricacidtothestomach,inanupsurgeofadrenalactivity,intheproductionofcorticoids,intheincreaseofbloodpressure,andafasterheartbeat.

Notgettingcaughtupinyourownthoughtsstartswiththeintentionofnotdoingso.Thinkingisavoluntaryfunction,andeachofushastheabilitytodismissthoughtsthatareboundtoleadto‘anemotionalstorm’.Lifecanbesobeautifulwhenwearenotcaughtupinthecoilsofourownthoughts.Clearingthemindisthefirststepinappreciatingthisbeauty.

Sixteen/ManyProblems,OneSolution

Inthelasttwochapterswehavecoveredsomeofthemoredifficultareasoflifethat,atsomepoint,everyoneofuswillhavetodealwith:grief,loss,pain,illness,anddeath.Needlesstosay,inadditiontotheareaswehavediscussed,therearemanyothersignificantproblemsinlifethatneedtobecopedwith:communicationbetweenpeople,behaviourswehavetochange,financialconcerns,dealingwithdifficultpeople,jobandcareerconcerns,raisingchildren,andageing,tonamejustafew.

Myhopeisthatasyouhavebeenreading,youhavebeguntosensethatinaverymeaningfulwayallproblems,regardlessoftheirspecificnature,havethreadsofconsistencyrunningthroughthem.EveryproblemismadeworsebywhatIrefertoas‘analysisparalysis’.Thisisasituationinwhichapersonwishingtosolveaproblemusesrepeatedandintensedeliberationinthehopeofcomingupwithaviablesolution.Thisiswhereyoutrytofigureout,makesenseof,andmostspecifically,analyseyourproblems.Themajorproblemwithanalysis,however,isthatasyouthinkexcessivelyaboutaproblem,yourproblem-orientatedthoughtswillbegintoloweryourspirits.And,aswehaveseen,ifthereisonecertaintyinlifeitisthis:whenyourspiritsarelow,yourwisdomandcommonsenseflyoutofthewindow.Yousimplyaren’tatyourbestandyoudon’tseelifeclearlywhenyouarefeelinglow.Sinceyourfeelingsfollowyourthoughts,themoreattentionandemphasisyouputonaproblem,theworseyouwillfeelandthelesswisdomyouwillhaveaccessto.

Einsteinoncesaid,‘Thesolutiontoaproblemwillnevercomeaboutfromthesamelevelofunderstandingthatcreatedtheprobleminthefirstplace.’Inotherwords,dwellingonproblemswillnothelpusovercomethem,becausewewillbeunabletoseetheanswerweneed.Solutionsarefound,ontheotherhand,whenweseethingsinanewandfreshway,whenweallowthewisdomthatcomesfromaquietmind(healthyfunctioning)totakeover.Asironicandsimplisticasitmayseem,youneedtostopthinkingaboutaprobleminordertoseeanewsolution.Asyourmindclearsofyourconcerns,answerswilloccurtoyouthatwerecoveredupbyyourthoughtsoftheproblem.Wisdomisnothingmorethanseeingthesameoldproblemsinanewandfreshway.

Allthoughtsgrowwithattention,andproblemsarenoexceptiontothisrule.Inaveryrealsense,dealingheadonwithaspecificproblembyfocusingonitcanbeatremendousmistake.Themorewefocusonaproblem,whetheritberelatedtofinances,ourchildren,otherrelationships,oradyinglovedone,the

relatedtofinances,ourchildren,otherrelationships,oradyinglovedone,thelessablewearetoseeasolution.Thisiswhywhensomeonerepeatedlydiscussesyourproblemswithyou,youneverseemtogetanywhere.Yougooverthesamesetsoffactsandcometothesameconclusions.Theonlycertaintyinthisdynamicisthewayyouwillfeel:frustrated,confused,andunhappy.

Perhapsyoufeelthatthemostbasicproblemyoudealwithisthefactthatemotionallyyoudon’tfeelverygood.Ifthisisthecase,thesameruleapplies.Everytimeathoughtentersyourmindabouthowbadyoufeel,youhaveachoice.Doyouthinkaboutitsomemoreinthehopethatkeepingthosethoughtsaliveinyourheadwillsomehowhelpyou?Ordoyoudismissthethoughtassimplyanotherpassingthought?Inchoosingthissecondoption,youopenthedoortoyourhealthyfunctioning.Chancesare,aminutelater(orevenafewsecondslater)anotherthoughtmayenteryourheadabouthowbadyoufeel,orhowbadyouusuallyfeel.Ifso,youcandismissitaswell.Eachtimeyoudoso,youaregettingusedtopayinglessattentiontotheproblemandmoretofeelinggood.

It’struethathabitsofthinkingaredifficulttobreak,buttheycanbebroken.Oneofthemostsignificantfindingsinthefieldofpsychologyinrecentyearshasbeenthatwecanchoosethewaywethink.Weareincharge–thinkingisavoluntaryfunction.Onlyhabitmakesusfocusonthethoughtsthatenterourminds.Itcanalsobecomeahabittodismissthethoughtsyouhaveastheyenteryourmind.

Ifyoulookatthedetailsofeveryproblemthatoccursinyourlifeandtrytomakesenseoutofeachoneindividually,thenmuchofyourlifeisgoingtobespentfocusedonyourproblems.Youmayindeedhavesomesuccesses,yetthewayyoufeelingeneralwon’tchange.Whenthecarbreaksdown,you’llspendenergynotonlyfixingthecarbutalsothinkingaboutitafterwards.Thesamewillbetruewhenyouhavearun-inwithyourbossoryourspouse,whensomeoneforgetstoreturnyourcall,whensomethinggetslostinthemail,aswellaseveryotherdailyannoyancethatcomesup.

Itmaybetruethatyouwillneverbecompletelyfreefromlife’slittleannoyances,butyoucanbecomefreefromfeelingannoyed.Thesolutionistoseethatalloflife’sproblems,bigandsmall,aremadeworsebythefactthatwethinkaboutthemwellaftertheyareoveroranticipatethemwellbeforeweareconfrontedbythem.

Asyouintentionallytakeyourmindoffyourproblemswhentheyenteryourmind,youwillgraduallybegintofeelbetter,andasyoufeelbetteryouaremore

equippedtosolveyourproblems.Keepthisinmind:ifyoucan’tsolveaprobleminapositivestateofmind,youwillneverbeabletosolvethatprobleminalowerstateofmind.Excessivethoughtaboutyourproblemswon’thelp.Whenyouunderstandthatmentalreviewworksonlytoaverylimitedextent–andthat‘analysisparalysis’istobeavoidedatallcosts–yourinnerwisdomwillbegintotakeover.

Problemsweencounterarealwaysmood-related.Whenyouareinalowmood,youwillseeslightannoyancesasmajorobstacles,youwillhearsmallsuggestionsasmajorcriticisms,andyouwillthinkoffutureobstaclesasbeinginsurmountable.Whenyourmoodislow,anyfactor–personalorexternal–willseemtoinhibityourexperienceandcauseyouunhappiness.Inhighermoods,youlookbeyondyourcircumstances,andsimplydothebestyoucanwithwhoyouareandwhatyouhave.

Lifelooksdrasticallydifferentdependingonhowwearefeeling.Thisisimportanttoknowbecauseinhigherfeelingstates,wealreadyhavewhatwewant–tofeelgood.Ourviewofourproblemswillalwayschangedependingonourmoodlevel.Thehigherourmood,thebetteroursenseofperspective.It’ssenselesstothinkthatsolvinganyparticularproblemwillcreateinnerpeaceandmakeyouhappy–itwon’t.Thenexttimeyouarefeelinglow,you’llseesomeotheraspectofyourlifeinanequallyhopelessway.Thisisthenatureofnegativefeelingstates.Theworseyoufeel,themoreformidableyourproblemswillseem.

I’mnotsuggestingthatyoushrugoffyourproblemssimplybecauseyouareinalowmood.Butyouwillgainperspectiveonallproblems,regardlessoftheirspecificityormagnitude,ifyouwaituntilyouareinahighermood.

Thisknowledgecanshieldyou,toalargeextent,frombeingdevastatedbythepainfulaspectsyouwillfaceinyourlife.Ifyou’regroundedinthetruththatlifetrulywilllookbettersoon,youcanbegintomovebacktotheoriginalpremiseofthisbook,whichisthatyourthinkingisresponsibleforyourunhappiness.Youmaynotalwaysbeabletochangeyourcircumstances,butyoualwayshaveatleastsomecontroloveryourownthinking.

Seventeen/UnhappinessIsYourCurriculum

Everyonehasissues,oraseriesofissues,thatarecentraltothislife,lessonsthatmustbelearnedinordertoarriveatasenseofinnerpeace.Youcanthinkofyourcentralissueorissuesasyour‘curriculum’,aneducationthatyoumustgothroughtomakeyourlifefeelcomplete.Forsomepeople,thecentrallessonintheirlifeisphysical–learningtolivewithdiabetesorblindness,forexample.Somepeoplehaveamoreemotionalhandicap,suchasastrongresistancetointimacy,oruntamedanger.Thecentralissueinothers’livesmaytaketheformofanaddictiontocigarettes,alcohol,drugs,food,andsoforth.

Whenyoustudypeopleandtheirissues,onethemebecomesperfectlyclear:thenameofthegameislearninghowtodealeffectivelywith,andeventuallyconquer,thecentralissuesinyourlife.Sometimesconqueringyourcurriculummeansmakingthesymptomgoaway.Apersoncanlearn,forexample,tobeintimate,eventhoughitseemedimpossiblebeforesheundertooktheeffort.Atothertimes,conqueringmeanscomingtotermswithacircumstancethatcan’tbechanged,suchasaphysicaldisability.

Everyonehasacurriculum.Whatevercurriculumapersonisexperiencing,beitphysical,emotional,spiritual,orintellectual,itwillinitiallybeexperiencedas‘difficult’bythatperson,regardlessofhowothersseeit–iftheyseeitaseasy,it’sbecauseit’snottheircurriculum.

Everypersonhasacurriculumandeverycurriculumcanbeovercomeandconquered.SurvivorsoftheHolocaustwilltestifytothistruth.Despitetheunspeakableconditions,thereweremanywhosurvived,wholearnedtolive,andeventoforgive.Andforeachbravesoulwhodidsurvivephysically,therewereundoubtedlyhundredsorthousandsofotherswho,despitetheirhorriblecircumstances,learnedtoliveatpeacebeforetheywerekilled.

I’mnottryingtoevaluatetheseverityofanysinglecurriculum,becauseeachperson’scurriculumwillbesevereforthem.WhatIamtryingtodoistoshowyouthateverycurriculumdoesindeedhaveasolution.Onceyouseethatthisistrue,lifebecomesagame–andwinningthegamemeansenjoyingyourlife.Thisisnotintendedtominimizetheseverityofyourdepression.I’mcallinglifeagamebecauseitisfullofchallenges,andchallengescanbemet.

Yourcurriculumisdepression.What,then,isyourstrategy?Whenyouunderstandwhereyourdepressioniscomingfrom,andwhenyou

viewitfromadistance,the‘game’beginstochange.Depressionisnolongeranemergency,somethingthatisdestroyingyourlife,butratherapartofyour

emergency,somethingthatisdestroyingyourlife,butratherapartofyour‘coursework’,anecessarypartofyoureducationinlife,somethingthatyoumustlearntoconquer.Youcanconquerit.

Whenyouredefineyourdepressioninthisbroader,moreeducationalsense,yourdepressiontakesonamoreimpersonalnature.ByimpersonalImeanyouseeitasbeinglessaboutyouandmoreaboutlearning.Whenthefeelingofdepressioncomesupwiththismoreimpersonalperspective,youdon’tfeelhelpless–‘Ohno’–youfeelchallenged–‘HereIgoagain.’Whenyoulearnhowtochallengeyourdepression,depressionasyouknowitwilleventuallyceasetoexist.Therewon’tbeanyreasonfordepressiontoremaininyourlifebecauseyouwillhavelearnedyourlesson.Youwillhavegonethroughtheprocessofconqueringyourdepression.Nowitwillbetimeforanewcurriculumtoemergeinyourlife,newopportunitiestolearn.Thegamewillchange,anditwillbebetter.

SeekOutYourEmotionalHealthIfyouexperienceeventheslightestrelief,ifyoufeelevenonepercentbetterasyouclearyourmindanddistrustwhatyouthinkwhenyouarelow,thenyouareonyourway!Itmeansyouhavetappedintoyourhealthyfunctioning,thatpartofyouthatisfreeofdepression.Yourjobnowistonourishthatpartofyourselfbyknowingthatitexists,respectingit,andwantingitmorethananythingelseinyourlife.Youmustwantyouremotionalhealthevenmorethanyouwanttogetridofyouremotionaldistress.Remember,yourattentionisthekeytoyoursuccess.Ifyourattentionisonhowmuchyouwanttogetridofyourpain,thenyourattentionisonyourpain.Butifyourattentionisdirectedtowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,yourinnerpeace,thatisexactlywhereyouwillbeheaded.

Regardlessoftheissueyouaredealingwith,choosingyourhealthyfunctioningoveryourhabitualresponseisgoingtobedifficult.Itwillalwaysbetemptingtorationalizetoyourselfwhyyoursituationisunique,whyit’smoredifficultforyou,whyit’sappropriateorimportanttofeelbad,whythistimeistoodifficulttochoosehappiness.Whileeverycurriculumisunique,everysolutionisidentical.

Ifmycurriculum,forexample,centresaroundaninabilitytohandlecriticism,ifIshiverwithrageattheslightestsuggestionofferedtome,thereisonlyonesolution–tousecriticismasavehicletowardsgreaterinnerstrength.Whenasuggestionisoffered,andIfeelthestruggleemergingwithinme,Imustacknowledgethestruggleyetchoosemyhealthyfunctioninginsteadofmydestructiveurge.ImustremindmyselfthatIhaveachoice.Imusthavefaiththatmyinnerstrengthismorepowerfulthanmyhelplessfeelingofstruggle.EachtimeIchoosepeaceinsteadoffear,loveinsteadofhate,happinessinsteadofstruggle,Isolidifymyfaithinmyhealthyfunctioning,anditgetseasier.

Eachstepyoutaketowardsovercomingyourcurriculumbringsyouthatmuchclosertoagenuinelyhappyandcontentedlife.Eachtimeyouconsciouslychooseyourhealthyfunctioningoveryourthoughtsystemyouaresolidifyingandstrengtheningyourauthenticinnerpower.

Eighteen/TheArtofOptimism

Whenwearefacedwithanytypeofadversity,wenaturallyreactbythinkingaboutit.Mostofus,however,forgetthatwearetheonewhoisdoingthethinking,thatweareactivelymanufacturingthethoughtswethink.Ourthoughtsbecomesohabitualtousthatwedon’tevenrealizewearehavingthem!Instead,wedeveloppatternsofnegativethoughtasournormalreactiontoeventsandourwayofcopingwithlife,andbelievethatourlifeandourcircumstancesareresponsibleforthethoughtswearehaving.Thisisn’ttrue!Sincewearetheonesdoingthethinking,wearealsotheonesresponsibleforchangingourthinking.Whenwerealizethis,wecanshiftfromapessimistictoamoreoptimisticoutlook.Youcanlearntostopallnegativetrainsofthoughtfromdevelopingbeforetheyhaveachancetodevelopfullybytakingresponsibilityforthefactthatyouarethedriverofthetrain!

Supposeyouhavebeenworkinghardmakingasweaterforyourdaughter.Whilecarryingthesweatertothecar,youclosethecardooronitanditrips.Ifyouareapessimist,youmaythinktoyourself,‘Nicegoing,idiot.EverytimeItrytodosomething,Iscrewitup.’

Unfortunately,thisnegativetypeofthinkingwon’tbelimitedtotheepisodeoftearingthesweater.Ifyouaresomeonewhoishardonyourselfforinnocentaccidentssuchasthis,chancesareyouwillbehardonyourselfmostofthetime.Wheneversomethingpainfulordifficulthappenstoyou,irrespectiveofhowminoritmaybe–asorethroat,amemofromyouremployer,oranunreturnedphonecall–youimaginetheabsoluteworst:aterribleflucomingon,losingyourjob,oryourfriendnolongerlikesyou.Theproblemwithpessimisticthinking,asyouknowbynow,isthatyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel.Intheexampleabove,yourthoughtswouldmakeyoufeellikeanidiot,thesweaterandyourinabilitynottotearithavingnothingtodowithit.Becauseyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel,negativethinkingcanbeseenasanattempttoconvinceyourselfthatfeelingbadisagoodidea!

Pessimisticthinkingleadstofeelingsorryforyourself,unhappiness,evendepression–whichfurtherleadstoanoverallpessimisticoutlookonlife.Negativethinkingcancreepinsidiouslyintoyourmindandfuelthecompellingurgetopayattentiontothatnegativethinking.Inastrangeway,it’stemptingtobelievethatyouaregoingtosomehowfeelbetterifyoucontinuetothinkinthisway–ifyoujustthinkitthroughenough.Unfortunately,feelingbetterisn’tthe

resultofthinkingnegatively.Themoreyoupayattentiontoandgoalongwithyournegativethoughts,theworseyouwillfeel–everysingletime.Thisisacriticalpointthatsomanyofusforget:negativethinkinggetsusnowhere,exceptperhapsaone-waytickettotheemotionaldoldrums!

Thewayyoufeelaboutyourselfandaboutlifewouldbesomuchnicerif,whenrippingthesweater,youthoughttoyourself,‘Hey,it’sallright.Accidentshappentoeveryone.Don’tworryaboutit.I’llfixitthebestIcan.’Thissimplechangeofattitudeamountstonothingmorethanchangingyourhabitualresponses.Theshiftissmallbutthedividendsaregreat.Learningtothinkmorepositivelywillaffectthewayyoufeel.It’sthesinglemostimportantdecisionyoucanmakeinthedevelopmentofmentalhealth.

Youmaybeusedtothinkingaboutthingsinacertainway,yetyouarefullycapableofchangingthewayyoulookatlifeonceyoumakethecommitmenttodoso.Startingtoday,changethewayyouthink,especiallyduringdifficulttimes,andthequalityofyourlifewillrisedramatically.

Buthowdoyoumakethetransition?Makinganinternalshiftfromnegativitytoamorepositiveoutlookiseasierthanyoumightthink.Theshiftinvolvesthreesimplesteps:(1)therecognitionandadmissionthatyouareinthehabitofthinkingnegatively;(2)theunderstandingthatyourthoughtsoriginatewithinyourself,thatit’ssomethingyouareactivelydoingtocreateyourpsychologicalexperienceoflife;and(3)seeingtheinnocenceofnegativethinking.Let’stakeabrieflookatthesethreesteps.

TheHabitofNegativeThinkingIfyouareinthehabitofthinkinginnegativeterms,youaregoingtobetemptedtodismissthisinformationastoosimplistictobeeffective.Apessimistwouldtendtothinkthisway–youwouldn’texpectapessimisttothinkthattherewasthepossibilityforchange.

Youmustrealizethatnegativityisjustahabitthat,unfortunately,hasbeenreinforcedmanythousandsoftimes.Anegativeattitude,however,isn’tcarvedinstone,it’snotwiredintoyourconsciousnessthesamewaythecolourofyoureyesisgeneticallydeterminedforlife.Negativityisalearnedresponsetotheeventsofyourlife.Therearemillionswhohavelearnedtolookatlifemoreoptimistically,andyoucanbeoneofthem.

YourThoughtsOriginatewithinYouTheideathatyourthoughtsoriginatewithinyourselfisacentralthemeofthisbook.Youarethemanufacturerofthethoughtsthatrunthroughyourhead.Therealpowerinyourlifeiswithyou,theproducerofyourthoughts,notthethoughtsthemselves.Ifyoudon’thaveaclearunderstandingthatyouarethethinker,it’sunrealistictobelievethatyoucanchangeyourattitude.Withoutthishealthyknowledgeasafoundation,it’stooeasytobeseducedbyyourownthoughts.Assomethinghappensinyourlifethatyouwishhadn’thappened,athoughtwillenteryourmind,suchas‘Nothingevergoessmoothly.’Asitdoes,youwillfeeljustifiedinfeelingsorryforyourself,whichwillleadinturntomorenegativethoughts.Onceyouaregroundedintheideathatyouaretheonewhojusthadthatthought,however,andthatyourthoughtsaren’tjustsomethingthathappenedtoyou,youopenthedoortonewoptions.Remember,youmanufacturedthem!Nowwhenanegativethoughtentersyourmindyoucansaytoyourself,‘HereIgoagain.I’mnotgoingtofallintothistrapanymore.Ofcoursethingsgosmoothlyformesomeofthetime.’

SeeingtheInnocenceEveryonehascertainhabitstheywouldliketoeliminate.Ifyoulookathabits,mostofthembeganinnocentlyenough.Veryfewpeoplesetouttobecomedrugaddicts,alcoholics,lifelongsmokers,orevennail-biters.Instead,mosthabitsaredevelopedslowlyovertimebybecomingcomfortableandfamiliarthroughrepetition.Forexample,adrinkerlearnstoreachforadrinkwheneverhefeelsstressed.Eventhoughthealcoholmakesmattersworse,thealcoholanditseffectsarefamiliar.Thedrinkerdoesn’tknowwhatelsetodo.

Negativethinkersareinasimilarboat.Somethinghappensandthoughtsenterthemindasalearnedresponse.Nooneactuallywantstohavethoughtslike,‘Lifeisn’tworthliving,’or‘I’mnothappy.’Rather,theseandothernegativethoughtsaredrummedupjustbecausetheyarefamiliar.Theyseemtojustappearinthemind–andbecausetheydo,manynegativethinkersbelievetheydosoforareason.Inotherwords,theremustbesomejustificationforthethoughtstheyarehaving.Anegativethinkerwillalwaysbeabletopointtoreasonswhyhefeelsnegative–hiscarisn’tworking,noonewantstotalktohim,nooneappreciateshim,andsoon.Negativethinkingalwaysseemsjustified.

Althoughitseemsjustified,it’simportanttorealizethattheeventsthatyouthinkarecausingyoutothinknegativelyaren’ttheproblem.Icanassureyouthatanyonecanlearntodealwithapersonwhodoesn’tappreciatethemoracarthatisn’tworkingwell.Noone,however,canwithstandthenegativeinfluenceofself-defeating,negativethinkingfortoolong.Eventually,everyonemusteitherlearntothinkmorepositivelyorfaceongoingunhappinessanddepression.

Negativethinkingwaslearnedinnocently.Youdidn’tsetouttohurtyourself.Youcanlearntoforgiveyourselfandgiveyourselfasecondchanceatlifewhenyouseehoweasyitwastofallintothetrap.It’struethatsomepeopleseemtobenaturaloptimists,butmanyofushadtolearnhowtobeoptimists.Wehadtochangethewaywethinkinordertofeelbetter.

It’simportanttoknowthepowerfulrolethatyourbeliefsplayincreatingyourlifeexperienceandthewayyoufeel.Ifyouthinkofyourself,‘I’malwaysbeingrippedoff,’it’snotacoincidencethatyoufeellikeavictim.Ifyouthink,‘Ifpeopleonlyknewhowdifficultmylifeis,’it’snotacoincidencethatyoufeelburdened.Circumstancesdon’tmakeaperson,theyrevealhim!Yourlifedoesn’tmakeyoufeelbad,yourthinkingdoes.

doesn’tmakeyoufeelbad,yourthinkingdoes.Yourattitudetowardslifeandyourbeliefsaboutlifeoriginatewithinyou.

Thewayyoulookatlifeisn’tsomethingthathappenstoyou–it’ssomethingthatyoumakeup,momentbymoment,asyoumovethroughlife.Atanymomentinyourlifeyoucandecidetochangeyourattitude.Yourattitudeismadeupofonethingandonethingonly–yourownthoughts.Changethem,andyourworldwillchange.

Habitsareoftenveryhardtobreak.Thisisespeciallytrue,aswediscussedinchapter9,whendealingwiththehabitofnegativethinking.Youareaccustomedtothinkingaboutthingsinacertainway.Youmayhavereinforcedyournegativethinkingthousandsoftimesthroughoutyourlifetime.Eachnegativereinforcementconvincedyoufurtherthatyouwereessentiallyright:lifeisn’tallthatgood.

Trytoimaginehowmuchbetteryourlifewouldseemifyouhadamorepositiveoutlook.Whatwoulditbelikeif,inresponsetoanunfortunateevent,youthoughttoyourself,‘I’mgladitwasn’tworse’?Whatwouldhappentoyournegativefeelingsifyounolongerthoughtnegativethoughts?

Whatisitthatpreventsyoufromthinkingmorepositively?Theanswerisstubbornness.Unlessyoudon’tacceptthefactthatyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel,stubbornnessisyouronlytrueobstacle.Thereissomewaythatyouaredecidingthatnegativethinkingismoreimportanttoyouthanfeelinggood.Ithasbeenmyexperiencethatanyonecanlearntheartofoptimism.

RachelwasoneofthemostnegativepeopleIhaveevermet.Toher,lifewasmiserable.Shewasunhappy,evendepressedmuchofthetime,butcouldn’tthinkofanyspecificreasonsforherunhappiness.Shejustfeltbad.

TherapistsandfriendsadvisedRachelto‘changeherlife’.Itwassuggestedthatshegetinvolvedinthecommunity,meetnewpeople,changeherjob,movetoanewapartment,andsoforth.Shemadeallthesechanges,andmore,yetshewasstillmiserable.Why?

HereisatypicalconversationIhadwithRachelwhenIfirstmether:

Therapist:‘How’sworkgoing?’Rachel:‘Okay,butkindofslow.Ihopetheeconomydoesn’tscareawayallthe

customers.’Therapist: ‘Rachel, I understand you are getting involved in some charitable

work.’

Rachel:‘Yeah,butit’skindofdiscouraging,somanypeoplearehurting.’Therapist:‘Isyournewboyfriendinterestedintheagencyyouarevolunteering

for?’Rachel:‘Heis,butIthinkhe’sonlygettinginvolvedinmybehalf.’

Itdidn’ttakelongtodiscoverwhyRachelwassounhappy.Ifyoulookatheranswerstomyquestions,youwillseethateverysinglereplycontainedanegativeelement.Shewasapessimistineverysenseoftheword.Seeingthenegative,orpotentialnegative,inagivensituationwasherwayofrelatingtolife.Itwasabsurdtothinkthatchanginghercircumstanceswasgoingtohelpher.WhenImether,Rachelwouldhavebeendisappointedatwinningthepools!Interestingly,whenIfirstmentionedtheword‘pessimistic’,Racheldidn’tthinkitappliedtoher.Shefeltshewasa‘realist’.

Rachel’sturnaroundcameasshebegantoseethatvirtuallyeverythingshethoughtabouthadanegativetonetoit.ItwasahabitforRacheltolookatlifenegatively.Negativethoughtswouldenterhermindandshewouldreacttothemasifitwereherobligationtodoso.

Itwasn’teasyforRacheltoseethatherthoughtsaboutlifewerejustthoughts.Shefeltherthoughtshadagreatdealofmerit.Shedidn’tthinkofherselfasnegative,butthatasarealistitwasalwaysimportanttohertopointoutthefacts.Ofcoursethewayshelookedatthefactsalwaysreinforcedherpositions.Rachelfeltthatherattitudewasjustified.Afterall,sheinsisted,‘thingscangowrongandit’simportanttobeprepared.’

Rachellearnedthatit’simpossibleforanyonetofeelgoodwhentheyfilltheirheadwithnegativity.Shelearnedoneofthemostimportantprinciplesinthisbook:youfeelthewayyoudobecauseofthethoughtsyouarehaving.WhenIremindedherthathersinglegoalincomingtoseemewastofeelbetter,shebegantoseethattoachievehergoal,shemustbegintoeliminatehernegativethoughts.Further,Rachelhadtorealizethatherresponsestolifewerenotcarvedinstone–theyweresimplyahabitthatwaskeepinghermiserable.Shewasonanemotionalmerry-go-roundwithherownthinking.Firstshewouldthinknegatively,thenshewouldfeelbad.Herbadfeelingswouldthenencouragehertothinkmorenegatively–andsoshewould.Andonandonandon.

Fortunately,thismerry-go-roundcanmoveintwodirections.AsRachelbegandismissingherhabitual,negativethinking,shebegantofeelbetter.Andasshefeltbetter,fewerandfewernegativethoughtsenteredhermind,whichmadeherfeelincreasinglyoptimisticaboutlife.

Rachelisnotunique.Anyonecanlearntheartofoptimism,butitdoestakehumilityandcourage.Youmusthavethehumilitytoadmitthatyourthinkingisnegativeandyoumusthavethecouragetosetaboutchangingit.Ifyousetyourmindtoit,youcanlearntheartofoptimism,oneofthemostimportantstepsindevelopingalifefilledwithhappinessandgratitude.

Nineteen/HappinessandGratitude

Ifyouhavesomevagueorincompleteideaofwhathappinessis,youareverylikelytomissitwhenitarrives.Itwillpassyoubybecauseyouwon’tknowwhatyou’relookingfor,evenifit’srightthereinfrontofyou–whichitis.Butifyoudounderstandwhathappinessis,andwhereitcomesfrom,youwillrecognizeandappreciateitwhenitdoessurface,thusavoidingthecommontendencytoletitdriftawaywithyourthoughts.

HappinessThereisno‘waytohappiness’.Happinessistheway.Happinessisafeelingthatyoutapinto,notanoutcomeofevents.Whenyouunderstandthisimportantdistinctionyouwill,attheveryleast,belookingintherightdirection.Youwillbeabletoencouragethefeelingofhappinesstosurface,andstaywiththefeelingwhenitarrives,ratherthanlettingitgoandcontinuingtolookelsewhereforitssource.Eachtimeyoustartlookingforhappinessoutsideyourself,andeachtimeyoutrytothinkyourwaytohappiness,itwillslipthroughyourfingersbecauseyourmindwillhavedriftedawayfromitssource.

Whenyoufindyourselfsayingsomethinglike,‘I’llbehappysomeday,’or‘Ihopetobehappysomeday,’whatyouarereallysayingis,‘SomedayIhopetobeabletotakemyattentionoffmyproblems,concerns,andnegativity,andputitonanicerfeeling,thefeelingoflove.’Mostpeople,however,arenotgoingtowakeuponedayandsuddenlyfindthemselvesignoringtheirbadfeelingsandbaskingintheirpositivefeelings.It’sgoingtotakepractice.Whetheryoustarttoday,or10yearsfromnow,youaresimplygoingtohavetostoppostponingwhatittakestobehappy.Soonerorlateryouwillhavetotakethatleapoffaithandsaytoyourself,‘OK,mylifemaynotbeperfect,butthereisnevergoingtobeabettertimeformetoputmyattentionwhereitneedstobe–onthatnicerfeelinginsidemyselfthatliesbeneathmynegativethoughts.’Whynotstartrightnow,today,thisverymoment?Thisisaveryimportantquestiontoaskyourself,onethatmustbeansweredcorrectlyifyouwishtobeonyourwaytohappiness.

Onceyoustarttoseetherelationshipbetweenyourthinkingandthewaythatyoufeel–theimmediaterelationshipandthecumulativerelationship–youareonyourwaytoalifewithlessdepression.Waitinguntilnextyeardoesn’thelp.Afterall,whatareyouwaitingfor?Theconditionsforanewlifewillneverbebetter.Nowisthetime.Youarestillgoingtohavetoimplementyournewunderstanding,andyouarestillgoingtohavetopractisewhatyouhavelearned.Andeventhoughyouhaveanewunderstandingaboutyourselfthatcanhelpyou,itwillstillbetruethatwhenyoufallbackintoyouroldhabitsandfollownegativetrainsofthought,orwhenyouaccumulatenegativementalbaggage,it’sgoingtoharmandupsetyou,andyouwillstillhavetoredirectyourthinkingandyourattention.

Whenyouspendtimearoundhappypeople,oneofthefirstthingsyounoticeaboutthemisthattheyarenotalwayshappy.Theyaregenerallyhappy,meaningtheiroverallfeelingaboutlifeisextremelypositive,butthey,too,havetheirownshareofemotionalupsanddowns.Remember,everyonehasmoods,including

verylowmoods,andinthoselowmoodslifewillseemreallybad.Andeveryone,too,willhavenegativitystreamthroughtheirmindsfromtimetotime.Happypeople,however,actuallynoticethenegativityformingintheirmindsmoreoftenthanthosewhoconsiderthemselvesunhappy.Thismakessense,becausetheirnoticingnegativityfollowedbytheirdroppingnegativityistheveryactwhichkeepsthemhappy.Theywillactuallyhavemanyofthesamethoughtsasunhappypeople,buttheirrelationshiptothosethoughtswillbecompletelydifferent.Happypeoplewillseetheirthoughtsasthoughts.Theywillstrivetoignoreanddropasmanynegativethoughtsastheycan.Theywilllookforafeelingofhappinessevenwhentheircircumstancesdon’tseemtowarrantapositiveoutlook.Theyarenotpretendingtobehappy,theyarelookingtobehappy.Theyknowthatwhattheyarelookingforisahappyfeeling,notaperfectlife.Happinesscomesfirst,andagoodlifecomesoutoffeelinghappy.Whentheydofindthemselvesbeingpulledtowardsnegativityorwhentheygetcaughtupin‘analysisparalysis’,theyknowtheyhavetochangewhattheyaredoing,andfast,iftheywanttogetbackontracktowardshappiness.

Unhappypeoplehaveadifferenttypeofrelationshiptotheirthinkingfromhappypeople.Whenunhappypeoplehaveanegativethoughtorseriesofthoughts,theytendtofollowthemoutofhabitortoseewhetherornotdoingsowillmakethemfeelbetter.Itwillnot!Unhappypeopledon’tseetheirthoughtsasthoughts,theyseethemasreality,asimportant.Theyrarelyignorethethoughtsthatbringthemdown,butinsteadanalyseorstudythem,thusgivingthemadditionallife,andmakingthemseemevenmoreformidableandimportantthantheyreallyare.OneofthegreatestdistinctionsIhaveseenbetweenhappypeopleandunhappypeopleisthewillingnesstoadmitthattheirthinkingisdysfunctional.Happypeoplejumpattheopportunitytoadmitthattheirthinkingisthecauseoftheirunhappiness.Theyadmitit.Theywanttoeliminate,asmuchaspossible,thethoughtsthatareinterferingwiththeirjoy.Theyaredelightedthatit’sthem,andnotsomeoneelse,thatisresponsiblefortheirhappiness.Unhappypeopleareusuallyfarlesswilling,orable,toadmitthattheirheadisfullofnegativity.Theywillinsist,‘Idon’thaveverymanynegativethoughts.Idon’tthinknegatively,Ijustfeeldepressed.’Thisisthemostpainfuldenialyoucaneverexperience,becauseitwronglysuggeststhatyouarenotincontrolofyourownlife–althoughyoucanbe.

Theactofadmittingthatit’syoucreatingdepressionforyourselfthroughyourownthinkingisaveryempoweringandhealingadmission.Onceyoudo,youthenhavesomecontroloverthedirectionandactionyouwilltake.Priorto

admittingthatyourthinkingiscausingyoursuffering,it’sveryeasytofeellikeavictimifyoubelievethatyourdepressionissomethingthatishappeningtoyouratherthansomethingyouaredoingtoyourself.

Happinessisafeeling,nothingmore,andnothingless.It’snotcomplicatedandit’snothardtoobtain.Happinessdoesn’trequireaperfectlifetomanifestitself,anditcertainlydoesn’tcomeaboutthroughyearsofanalysis.Ifyouwanttobehappy,studyhappypeople.Thehappiestlivesarenotthemostanalysed.Infact,ithasbeenmyexperiencethatthehappiestlivesareoftenthesimplestlives–externally,andespeciallyinternally.Happypeoplearetoobusybeinghappyandenjoyingtheirlivestostudytheirunhappiness.True,theyfeelunhappyfromtimetotime,everyonedoes,butwhystudyit?Acknowledgingitandallowingittopassawayisallyoureallyhavetodo.

Whenyouunderstandthetickingsofyourownpsychologicalclock–howyourthinkingaffectsthewayyoufeel,howyourlowmoodscanmakeyourlifeseemfarworsethanitreallyis,andthedifferencebetweenyournaturalstateofmindandyouranalyticalmind–youcanaccessthatplaceinsideyourselfwheredepressioncanneverexist.Youhaveitinyoutotapintoanicerfeeling.Behappyandtreasureyourlife.

GratitudeGratitudeistheantidotefordepression.It’saverypowerfulfeelingthatstems,likeallfeelings,fromyourthinking.

Buthowdoyoufeelgratefulifyouhavebeendepressed?WhatwouldyousayifIofferedyou£1000foreverythingyoucouldthinkoftofeelgratefulfor?You’dprobablysay,‘HowmuchtimedoIhave?’Youwouldthinkofhundredsofthingstobegratefulforbecauseyouwouldbethinkingpurposefully.Ifyourinternalantennaislookingforgratitude,itwillfindit!AsIhavediscussed,however,habitsarehardtobreak,especiallyhabitshavingtodowithyourownthinking.Ifyouareinthehabitofseeingtheglasshalfemptyinsteadofhalffull,youaregoingtohavetochallengethathabitifyouwanttoliveyourlifewithasenseofgratitude.

Howdoyougoaboutfeelinggrateful?Theprocessitselfisquitesimple:(1)yourintentionmustbetofeelgrateful–youhavetowantit.Youmustunderstandwhat’sinitforyou,andwhat’sinitforeveryoneelse;(2)youhavetorememberthatgratitudeistheveryessenceofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.It’syourmostnaturalstateofmind.Becauseofthis,intheabsenceofnegativethoughts,youareleftwithafeelingofgratitude.Becausegratitudeisnatural,youhavehadtolearnnottofeelgratitude;and(3)youhavetoadmitthatyournegativityisahabit.Youarethethinkerofyourownthoughtsandit’sonlyyourthinkingthatisholdingyournegativityinplace.Youhaveitinyoutochangeyourentireattitudetoday!Youarethebossandyouareincontrolofyourthinkingbymakingthecommitmenttochangeit.Asyoudismissthenegativethoughtsthatinterferewithyourfeelingofhappinessyouwilldiscovermoregratitudesurfacinginyourlife.

Butwhydoyouevenwanttofeelgratitude?Verysimply,becausegratitudefeelsgoodanditbringsoutthebestinyou.Everythinginthisbookpointstogratitude.It’stheepitomeofhealthyfunctioninginaction.Whenyoufeelgrateful,everythinginyourlifelooksgood,andyoufeelgood.Onceyourecognizegratitudeasaforceinyourlife,itwillbegintopermeateyourentireexistence.Thebeneficiariesofthisgratefulfeelingwillbeyourself-esteem,yourrelationships,yourwell-being,yourcareer,yourhopes,yourdreams,yourproblems,yourunborndiscoveriesandyourfuture.Whenyouliveinafeelingofgratitude,therestofyourlifewilltakecareofitself.Ifyoucan’tsolveaproblemwhenyouarefeelinggratitude,thenmorethanlikelythatproblemcan’tbesolved!

Asyouhaveseen,therelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinkingisthemostsignificantfactorindeterminingthequalityofyourlife.Thisisbecauseyour

significantfactorindeterminingthequalityofyourlife.Thisisbecauseyourthinkingdirectsthewayyoufeel.Thefeelingyouliveindependsentirelyonwhereyourfocusofattentionlies.Ifyoulearntofocusonandfeelgratefulforwhatyouhaveineachmoment,thatthoughtprocesswillbecomeahabititself.Similarly,whenyoufocusonwhatislackinginorwrongwithyourlife,youwillalwaysfindawaytoattractevenmoreofwhatyoudon’tlike.

Startingrightnow,you,too,canbehappy.Beginlookingforwhat’srightinyourlife.Keeplookinganddon’tgiveupuntilseeingwhat’srightbecomesahabit.Practisefeelinggratefulevenifyoudon’tfeellikeitbecauseverysoonyouwillfindyourselfenjoyingyourselfasyouneverhavebefore.

OneofthemostcommonquestionsIamaskedis,‘IfIwalkedaroundfeelinggratefulallthetime,wouldn’tIturnintoaselfishperson?’Theanswertothisquestionisacertainno!Whatdoyoureallyofferotherpeople?Youofferthemyourpresence,yourwell-being,yourself.Whenyoufeelgood,othersaroundyouwillfeelgood.Whenyoufeelfulfilled,yourgoodfeelingsspreadtotherestoftheworld.Ontheotherhand,whenyoufeeldown,youaresoconsumedwithyourownnegativitythatyoucan’tpossiblyhaveanythingleftforanyoneelse.Whatcanyouoffersomeoneelseifyoucan’teventakecareofyourself?Sofeelinggratitudeisbothselfishandselfless.Youwinandeveryoneelsewins.

Finally,andmostimportant,thegreatestpoweryouhavetodeepenthefeelingofgratitudeinyourlifeistonoticethefeelingwhenitisthere.Neverforcethefeeling,butwhenit’sthere,takenotice.Remember,it’syourattentionthatmakesanyfeelinggrow.Don’tletevensmallfeelingsofgratitudedriftawaywithyourthoughts.Instead,noticehowtheyfeelandhelpthemgrow.Thewarmthandcomfortofthatfeelingasitgrowsisoneofthenicestfeelingsyoucanexperienceasahumanbeing.

It’sinterestingtodiscoverthatyoudon’tneedtohaveanythinginparticulartobegratefulforinordertofeelgratitude.Instead,allyouhavetodoiswanttofeelit.Again,thisisduetothefactthatgratitudestemsfromyourthinkingandnotfromthecircumstancesinyourlife.Gratitudeisanattitudetowardslifethathasnothingwhatsoevertodowithwhatyouhaveordon’thave.Thisiswhyyouwilloftenmeetpeoplewhoonthesurfacehavelittletobegratefulfor,butwhofeelagenuinesenseofdeepgratitudeforthegiftoflife.Thesepeoplearen’tfoolingthemselveswiththeirgratitude–theysimplyhaveapositiveattitude.Theylookatwhattheyhavewhilemostothersfocusonwhattheydon’thave.

Luckily,youcanalwaystakethepathofhealthyfunctioning,thepathofgratitude.Insteadoffollowingyournegativetrainsofthought,disconnectfromthem.Rememberhappinessandgratitude,whicharethefeelingsyouhavebeen

them.Rememberhappinessandgratitude,whicharethefeelingsyouhavebeenlookingfor,theansweryouneed.Theyaremorepowerfulthandepression.Trythesenewfeelingstodayandwatchyourentireexperienceasahumanbeingchangebeforeyoureyes.Youhaveitinyoutochangetoday,rightnow.Achangeofheartcanhappeninaninstant,inthismoment.

HowtoFeelGoodAgainYoufeelgoodagainbyunderstandingthatdepressionissomethingthatformswithinyourownthinking.AsI’vementionedbefore,yourthinkingisnotthesameasreality.Youproducerealthoughts,butthatisalltheyare.Youdon’thavetobefrightenedbyyourownthinkingonceyouunderstandthatyourthinkingisnotsomethingthatishappeningtoyou,butsomethingthatyouaredoingtocreateyourexperience.Youdon’tneedtoproducethoughtsandthenbedepressedbythosethoughts.Thoughtscomeandtheygo.Likearivercarryingleaves,yourmindproducesanever-endingsupplyofthoughts.Somearenice,somearenot,butallofthemarejustthoughts.Youarefreetoreachoutandgrabanythoughtyouwish,butkeepinmindthatyouaretheonedoingthereachingandthegrabbing.Ifyoucanrememberthatit’syoudoingthethinking,youwillcreatethenecessarydistanceandperspectivebetweenyourselfandyourthinking,thusprotectingyourselfagainstthenegativeeffectsofthought.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyoustopbelievingthatyouarethinkingwhenyouaredown.Everyonefeelslowatleastsomeofthetime.Whenyouarefeelinglowyouwillalwaysfeelanurgentneedtofigureoutwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Youmustresistthisurge.Youdon’thavetofigureoutanything.Theonlythoughtsyouwillbeabletomanufacturewhenyouarelowarenegativethoughts,soallyourthinkingwillbecounterproductive.Youmustwaitforandlookforthepartofyouthatisn’tdepressedbeforeyoutrytofigureanythingout.Onceyoufeelbetter,yourhealthyfunctioningwilldoallthefiguringforyou,answerswillseemobvious,andyouwillhaveabetterperspective,wisdom,andcommonsense.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouunderstandthatdepressionisnothingmorethananextended,verylowmood.Whenyoustopparticipatinginthedestructivetendencies(thinking,analysing,figuring,worrying,talking)thatseemappropriatewhenyouarelow,andyouinsteadturnyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,anicer,morepeacefulfeelingwillbegintoemerge.Itisthen,whenyourperspectivecomesback,thatyoucanresumeyourthinking,andgetonwithyourlife.Thedifferencebetweenahappypersonandadepressedpersonisn’tthatthehappypersonnevergetslow–hedoes.Butthehappypersonrealizesthatbeinglowisasmuchapartoflifeasbeinghigh–shejustdoesn’tbelievewhatshethinkswhensheislow.Shedistrustsherselfbecausesheknowssheisoutofsorts.Shehesitatesbeforeshethinks.Shedoesn’tstudyherunhappiness–shelooksforherhappiness.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyourealizethatyourattentionistheonlyglue

holdingyourthinkinginplace.Withoutattention,yourthinkingdisappears.Whennegativethoughtsarefillingyourmind,yourattentionwillhelpthemgrowevenbigger.Themoreattentionyougivethem,thebiggertheyget.Butjustbecausenegativethoughtsareinyourminddoesn’tmeanyouhavetofeedthem.Youcandeflateyourdepressionbyputtingyourattentionelsewhere:onyourhealthyfunctioning,onloveandwell-being.Yourhealthyfunctioningisallthat’sleftwhenyourattentionisoffyournegativity.Youcan’tmissit.It’stheresultofaclearmind,amindthatrefusestofeedthenegativitythatentersit.Everyonehasnegativityenterhismind–andeveryonecanlearntoturnitaway.Whenyoulearnthisskillyouwillhaveregainedthepowerofyourownlife.Youwillnolongerbeavictimofyourownthinkingbecauseyoualonewilldecidewhichthoughtsareworthfocusingonandwhichonesarebetterleftalone.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouunderstandthateverymomentinyourlifeisachoicepoint.Negativethoughtsmaycontinuetoenteryourmind,andthemostimportantquestionyoumustaskyourselfis:‘WhatdoIdowhenthenegativityarrives?’Doyousurrenderandfeedthenegativity,ordoyourisetothechallenge?Canyouletthenegativethoughtsgo?Canyouletthempasswithoutfeedingthem?Canyougivethemthemessagethattheyarenotimportanttoyou,thatyouwantthemtogoaway?Canyouavoidthemistakeofputtingattentiononyournegativityinordertoridyourselfofit?Canyoudirectyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioningeventhoughitseemsyoudon’thaveany?Youhaveachoice.Youareinchargeofthedirectionyoutakewhenyouareatthisforkintheroad.Youcantrytothinkyourwayoutofyourdepression–whichyouwon’tbeabletodo–oryoucanlookforandfindyourhealthyfunctioning.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyoustartlivinginthepresentmoment.Thenexttimeyoufeeldepressednoticewhereyourthoughtsare.Theywillundoubtedlybesomewhereelse–eithersomewhereinthefutureorreviewingthepast.Butthefutureandthepastarejustthoughts,whereaslifeisrightnow.Asyoubringyourattentioninwards,closertothenow,andasyoudropyourthoughtsrelatingtothefutureandthepast,youwillnoticethatyourdepressingthoughtswillbegintodisappear.

Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouseethatlifeislikeapendulum.Youareconstantlyswingingbackandforthbetweenyourthoughtsystemandyourhealthyfunctioning.Thefactthatsomanypeopledon’trecognizetheirhealthyfunctioningdoesn’tmeanthatitdoesn’texist.Itdoes.Itjustseemssonaturalthatitmaypassunnoticed.Italwaysexistswhenyourmindisquietandclear,

thatitmaypassunnoticed.Italwaysexistswhenyourmindisquietandclear,whenyourthinkingisnotfocusedonyour‘problems’.

IftherewereasingleideaIcouldleaveyouwith,itwouldbethis:liveyourlifeinthepresentmomentandbegratefulthatyouhavethatmoment.Thepresentmomentiswhereyouwillfindyourmentalhealthandhappiness.Whenyouunderstandyourownthinkingenoughnottoletitsabotageyourlife,youwillhavetheonlytoolsyouneedtoconqueryourdepression.Yourlifewillberich,satisfyingandjoyful.Youwillfeelgoodagain.

Footnotes

1ThePsychologyofMindwasfoundedbyMrSydBanks,DrRogerMillsandDrGeorgePransky.TheprinciplesinthisbookareextrapolatedfromthethreeprinciplesofthePsychologyofMindbutarenottheactualprinciples.ReaderscanlearnmoreaboutPsychologyofMindbysendingastampedaddressedenvelopeto:HappinessTraining,POBox1196,Orinda,CA94563,USA.

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