step relationships saturate every clinician’s practice
TRANSCRIPT
p p a p e r n o w @ g m a i l . c o m P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W , E D . D . 9 7 8 5 6 8 - 0 0 2 5
Complex Attachment Dynamics in Stepfamily Relationships
STEP RELATIONSHIPS SATURATE EVERY CLINICIAN’S PRACTICE. 1 out of 3 children under 18 now lives in a stepfamily (Bumpas, Raley, & Sweet, 1995.
The changing character of stepfamilies. Demography 32, 452-436) 25% of new marriages form stepfamilies Increasing (and significantly under-counted) SFs headed by unmarried couples. 40% of women will live in a stepfamily at some point in their lives Rising rates of divorce and recoupling among older Americans (Brown & Lin, 2012) 1 out of 2 Americans will live in a step relationship at some point in their lives (Paul
Glick, in Larson, 1992. Understanding stepfamilies. American Demographics, 14, 360)
IFS 101 Self energy
-Compassion and confidence, clarity and curiosity. -Self energy is a healing force, both within our clients, and between us and our clients
Exiles -Vulnerable, often young parts that carry burdens of hurt, fear, longing, shame, & aloneness
Managers -Parts that pre-emptively step up to protect the system from being flooded by the exiles
Firefighters -Firefighters rush in to “put out the fire” when the system does get flooded
STEPFAMILIES ARE DIFFERENT
First-Time Family Structure New couple in a first-time family: First-time couples have time to “ride the river” of their attachment to each other. They also have time to begin building shared habits/values/routines
First-Time Coupledating
EllenGary
1
In a first-time family, 1st child enters the adult couple’s thickening middle ground. They also arrive hard-wired for attachment to both parents. Subsequent children enter the family’s ever-thickening ground of behavioral and emotional connection, also hard-wired for attachment.
First-Time FamilyFirst child
Hallienewborn
EllenGary
First-Time FamilySecond child
Gary Ellen
Hallie4
5 years of marriage
Emmanewborn
First-time family: 7 years of marriage. Attachment bonds have deepened and expanded. 1000’s of details of daily living no longer need discussion
First-Time Family7 yrs of marriage (& 2 yrs dating)
Gary Ellen
Hallie6Emma
2
Divorce and 2 Single-Parent Families
When parents protect children from adult tension and conflict, maintain caring & consistent parenting, kids come through OK. [See R&R: Connie Ahrons]. Over time, single-parent families develop their own comforting rituals, values, and habits of daily living
2 Single-Parent Families
Ellen
Hallie11
2 years post-divorce
Gary
Emma7
2
Stepfamily Structure The hard-wired, deeply established lines of attachment are between parents and their children, not in the stepcouple, or between stepparents and children. Likewise with established agreements about “how we do things.” Stepparents are the “stuck outsiders” to all of this (including ex-spouse relationship). Parents are the “stuck insiders.”
New Stepfamily
Ellen
Hallie11
Gary
Emma7
Claire
Stepfamily1 year later
Ellen
Hallie13
Gary
Emma9
Claire
Stepfamily Architecture Creates 5 Major Challenges EEv
1. Insider/Outsider positions in the adult stepcouple are intense, and they are stuck
2. Kids come with losses and loyalty binds 3. Parenting tasks divide the adults 4. The couple must build a new family culture while living well with constant
differences 5. Ex-spouses (other parents) are part of the family.
Stepfamilies Come in Many Forms A stepfamily includes at least one parent-child unit precedes the adult couple.
Single stepfamily: One parent-child unit and an adult without children. (Gary and Claire.) Double stepfamily: 2 parent-child units, each w their own attachment and middle ground.
Tina and Pam
Amanda
Tina Pam
Tommy
Stepfamily can be a first marriage for both partners! Parent with a child from an out-of-wedlock birth or a single-parent adoption recouples.
3
Single-Parent FamilyOut-of-Wedlock Birth
StepfamilyFirst marriage for both!
Stepfamily formed after a death. Same basic structure. (Similar when a parent has left or disappeared. Even with abusive parents, children have at least some parts that remain attached, even if the adults are ready to move on.)
Stepfamilies can be headed by gay or straight couples, married or unmarried couples. They may or may not have a child of the new relationship. They may be living together or not. (Rates of “Living Apart Together” (L.A.T.) rise steeply in older recouplers.) Foster and adoptive families are not stepfamilies. Unlike a SF, child joins adults’ ground. However, the wish for an immediate loving family may collide with children’s attachment trauma.
Refer to clinicians trained in Reactive Attachment Disorder [R & R: Becker-Weidman and Hughes] Also Attachment Institute of NE: http://www.attachmentnewengland.com/website/index.html
PHYSIOLOGICAL AROUSAL LEVELS
Hyperarousal—Too much energy and arousal for connection, learning, etc. Very upset, very anxious exiles or firefighters, hypervigilant or very busy managers. Hypoarousal—Too little energy for connection. Numbing, spaced, frozen, depressed exiles and protectors.
4
Window of Optimal Arousal- We think best here. We hear best, love best, learn best, and handle hard things best. John Gottman says self-regulation is the most important interpersonal skill. (Self energy as a sweet spot smack in the middle of optimal arousal.)
A 3-LEVEL CLINICAL MODEL: CHARTING A PATH THROUGH COMPLEXITY
I. Psychoeducation: Provide a road map and “driving directions.” Stay “low, slow, and simple.” Ask, “How’s that to hear from me?” Start with what you DO understand about “wrong ideas.”
II. Interpersonal Skills: Shape experiences and teach skills that create connection.
“This is an important conversation. Can I help you both feel more heard and seen?” III. Intrapsychic Work: The “U-Turn” inside “Papernow’s Bruise Theory of
Feelings” “What happens inside when…?” First validate the reality. “Anybody would feel this way. These are nobody’s favorite feelings. And…” “You will never like this. And healing these old bruises can make a huge difference in meeting the challenge.”
MEETING the 5 CHALLENGES of STEPFAMILY ARCHITECTURE Challenge 1. INSIDER/OUTSIDER positions are intense and they are stuck.
Every time a child enters the room, or the conversation, stepparents are stuck outsiders. Parents are stuck insiders. (Same re ex-spouse relationships)
What helps?
Hold compassion for both the stepparent’s experience of feeling left out and invisible, and the parent’s experience of feeling torn, anxious, and inadequate.
I. Psychoeducation: What works isn’t always intuitive
One-to-one time (couple, parent-child, stepparent-child). II. Interpersonal
Joining [HO: 3 LEVELS. p. 2 Joining] Teach skills for reaching across the divide [HO: 3 LEVELS pp 2-4]
III. Intrapsychic Work [HO: Chen/Czinsky Case Study] Challenge 2. CHILDREN struggle with losses, loyalty binds, and too much change
What is exciting and wonderful for adults often creates losses, loyalty binds, and too much change for kids. Children need their parents. But kids struggling with losses and loyalty binds may need to distance or reject their stepparents. This adds to the stepcouple’s insider/outsider divide. We can help adults to help their kids: Hold compassion for child and parent, and stepparent
I. Psychoeducation Regular, consistent, one-to-one parent-child time (for adult kids, too) Stepfamilies are easier for children under 8, and boys. Harder for girls,
especially early teens. 5
Keep adult physical contact private Resist the urge to badmouth other adults in a child’s life. Loyalty Bind Talks [3 LEVELS: PSYCHOEDUCATION:Scripts for Tough Situations]
Children often need to move more slowly than the adults do.
II. Interpersonal [R&R: Faber, How to Listen So Kids Will Talk and Talk So Kids Will Listen] Use “joining” [See handout] to help adults attune to children Help parents practice attunement
III. Intrapsychic Work
Challenge 3. PARENTING tasks polarize the stepcouple.
PARENTING STYLESAdapted from Amen (2000) and Baumrind (1991a, 1991b)
Loving &
Firm
Hostile &
Firm
Permissive &
Kind
Permissive&
Hostile
LOVING HOSTILE
FIRM
PERMIS-SIVE
What kids need is “authoritative” parenting that is both warm and caring and provides moderately firm behavioral expectations (Chart adapted from Amen, 2004) Stepfamily structure can pull stepparents to “authoritarian” and parents to “permissive” parenting. When this goes well, stepparent can help pull the parent “up” toward more firmness. Parent can help pull stepparent “over” to more understanding. When this goes badly, couples get stuck in painful cycles of increasing polarization
What helps? Hold the affect on both sides of the polarity--both the parent’s care for their kids and the stepparent’s need for more order and limits
I. Psychoeducation
Use the Parenting Styles chart to help visualize, and to teach about authoritative parenting.
Parents retain discipline Stepparent has input. Parent has final say. Stepparent as “monitor,“ “intimate outsider,” “supporter.” Once stepparents have built a caring, trusting relationship, they can move
slowly into authoritative parenting. Not necessary for healthy stepfamily! Authoritarian stepparenting is almost always toxic.
II. Interpersonal Skills that soften polarization
Joining [3 LEVELS: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS--Joining ] Soft/Hard/Soft [3 LEVELS: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS--Soft/Hard/Soft]
6
III. Intrapsychic Work Stepparents raised w authoritarian parenting may confuse responsive
parenting with permissiveness. Parents raised w authoritarian or permissive parenting may confuse
firmness with harshness.
Challenge 4. BUILDING a FAMILY CULTURE while respecting (at least 2) already established cultures.
In a first-time family, how “we” do tuna fish and a 1000 other small details of family life are a done deal, requiring no discussion. Stepfamilies bring together (at least) 2 fully established cultures.The flood of surprises and differences can be stunning! Much may have no language until someone violates a “no brainer.”
The shared sense of what feels “right” and comfortable, lies in the parent-child unit, not within the adult couple, or between stepparents and stepchildren.
What helps? Provide connection and empathy, without demonizing other family members.
I. Psychoeducation: What works
Normalize the flood of surprising differences, tiny to huge, and the necessity of “learning by goofing.” Step into the affect: This level of “otherness,” in up-close relationships can be surprisingly triggering, especially so if you are expecting blending.
Regulate the amount of change: A step at a time saves nine. Prematurely launching into a new house, a full new set of rules will usually backfire.
Resolving differences well takes time—time to listen and understand. Time to
experiment. Time to learn about each other. The most enduring solutions will take all family members’ needs into account. As in any two different cultures, expect some (even many) differences to stay in place.
II. Interpersonal Skills make a big difference in meeting this challenge. Use Soft/Hard/Soft to bring up differences.
Use “joining” to talk about differences. Take it slow!
Try to shift from arguing over “right and wrong” to an “attitude of learning.”
7
III. Intrapsychic Work
Those with exiles from chaotic dysfunctional families may have managers and firefighters that get very activated by surprises.
Challenge 5. Ex-Spouses and “Other Parents” are part of the family
The most robust predictor of poor adjustment for children in any family form, including first-time families, is not divorce. It is conflict. Even moderate tension compromises children’s well-being. Sleep issues may signal the presence of conflict. [See R&R: El Sheikh & Bucholz]
What helps?
Hold the affect without demonizing. [R&R: Wittman’s terrific book, Custody Chaos, Personal Peace.] I. Psychoeducation:
Closely monitor children’s exposure to adult conflict Keep transitions calm and low-key. Develop transition rituals If an ex-spouse says toxic things to kids, focus on the child’s feelings.
[p. 1, 3 LEVELS: PSYCHOEDUCATION. Scripts for Tough Situations]
II. Interpersonal Skills are critical. Help clients use their best skills, not their worst. Teach Soft/Hard/Soft and Joining to discuss issues.
III. Intrapsychic Work “What happens inside you when…?” The ex may be provocative. AND
following trailheads can make a big difference in reactivity.
MATURE, HEALTHY STEPFAMILY: Gary and Claire after 7 years together
A strong sense of “we-ness.” Strong attachment in the stepcouple. Some sp-sc relationships have become very strong (Claire and Emma). Others may be more distant (Claire and Hallie).
Mature Stepfamily
Ellen
Gary and Claire7 years together
Gary
EmmaHallie
1915
Claire
SOME GUIDELINES FOR CHILD THERAPISTS
Help children to put language on their experience. (Look for losses and loyalty binds.) The language of parts can be very helpful: “Part of you loves your dad.” “And part of you
is so mad at him. Both are true. We can make room for both. I’ll help.”
8
When children “aren’t adjusting,” it often makes sense to begin with the adults. The adults may have lots of “wrong ideas” and unrealistic expectations. Parents and stepparents may be making lots of mistakes. Remember that they, too, are in pain and struggling. Remember to lead with what you DO understand.
Assess: Is there enough reliable parent-child alone time? Help the adults to understand that what looks like “resistance” is usually a struggling kid. Teach “Loyalty Bind Talks.” The pace of change may be fine for the adults. Is it too fast for kids?
Assess parenting style. (May differ for different issues.) Help parents move into
authoritative parenting. Ease stepparents out of the disciplinary role.
Work with the parents, and then with the parent-child subsystem, to support adult (especially parental) understanding and attunement.
Be aware that necessary changes may be hard for stepparents. Meet with the
stepcouple. Increase parent’s empathy for sp; teach couple joining and soft/hard/soft, simultaneously increase adult couple time to get stepparents on board.
SOME GUIDELINES FOR FAMILY THERAPISTS
In therapy as in life, compartmentalize, don’t blend. Work in subsystems. Work with the adult stepcouple, the parent-child subsystem, perhaps the sibling and
stepsibling subsystem. If you’re confident that you can keep a firm hand, work with the ex-spouse subsystem.
Set a clear agenda focused on kids. Use “joining” to slow things way down. Generally, save stepparent-stepchild subsystem until the stepcouple and parent-child
system are well-connected. (Exception: if the sp is the child’s main attachment figure.)
9
1 4 4 B r o o k S t H u d s o n M A 0 1 7 4 9 D r . P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W p p a p e r n o w @ g m a i l . c o m
RESOURCES for stepfamily members (in bold) & REFERENCES
Papernow, P.L. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships. NY: Routledge. http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Thriving-Stepfamily-Relationships-Doesnt/dp/0415894387
Adler-Baeder, F., Russell, C., Lucier-Greer, M., Bradford, A., Kerpelman, J., Pittman, J., Ketring, S., & Smith, T. (2010).
Thriving in stepfamilies: Exploring competence and well-being Among African American Youth. Journal of Adolescent Health, 46, 396-398.
Ahrons, C.R. (2004). We’re still family: What grown children have to say about their parents’ divorce. NY: HarperCollins. Amen, D.G. (2000). New skills for frazzled parents: The manual that should have come with your child. MindWorks Press. Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (349-378).
San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Bray, J. & Kelly, J. (1999). Stepfamilies: Love, marriage and parenting in the first decade. NY: Broadway Books. Barbera, M. (2008). Bring yourself to love. Boston: Dos Monos Press Becker-Weidman, A. (2011). Developing connections and healing children. NY: Aronson. Brown, S. L., & Lin, I. (2012). The gray divorce revolution: Rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults,
1990–2010. The Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 67(6), 731-741. Bumpass, L.L., Raley, R.K. & Sweet, J.A. (1995). The changing character of stepfamilies: Implications of cohabitation and
nonmarital childbearing. Demography 32, 425-436. Cameron, Dorie (2009). Why did I do that? How you make sense and why there is hope. www.selfleadership.org/store. Cartwright, C. (2008). Resident parent-child relationships in stepfamilies. In J. Pryor (Ed.), International handbook
of stepfamilies: Policy, and practice in legal, research, and clinical environments, 208-230. N.J.: Wiley. El-Sheikh, M., Buckhalt, J., Cummings, E.M. & Keller, P. (2007). Sleep disruptions and emotional insecurity are pathways of
risk for children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 48:1, pp 88–96 Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980/1999). How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. New York: Avon. Ganong, L.H. and Coleman, M. (2004). Stepfamily relationships: Development, dynamics, and interventions. NY: Plenum. Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: Norton. Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2006). 10 lessons to transform your marriage. New York: Random House. Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: What you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your
marriage last. New York: Simon and Schuster. (And any others of Gottman’s books.) Hetherington, E. M. (Ed.) (1999). Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency
perspective. N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Hughes, D. (2011) . Awakening Bonds of Attachment in Deeply Troubled Children (an easy read). Great web site with lots of
resources, DVD’s for adoptive parents, trainings for professionals: http://www.danielhughes.org/index.html Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. NY: Little Brown and Co. Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy. NY: Brunner-Routledge. National Stepfamily Resource Center www.stepfamilies.info Evidence-based resources. Excellent interactive “On-line
Toolkit” for stepfamilies. On-line Training Institute modules for clinicians. Annotated research bibliographies Ogden, P., Minton, M. & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. Papernow, P.L. (2008). A clinician’s view of “stepfamily architecture.” In J. Pryor, Ed., The international handbook of
stepfamilies (423-454). New Jersey: J. Wiley & Sons, Inc. Papernow, P.L. (2006). Clinical update: Stepfamilies. Family Therapy Magazine, 5(3), 34-42. Papernow, P. L. (1993). Becoming a stepfamily: Patterns of development in remarried families. NJ: Taylor and Francis. Schwartz, R.C. (2001). Introduction to the family systems model. Chicago: Center for Self Leadership.
http://www.selfleadership.org/ifs-store.html Schwartz, R.C., R.C. (2008). You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Chicago: Center for Self Leadership (above) Siegel, D., & Brvc v nbvc jbv yson, T. (2011) The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s
developing mind. NY: Random House Siegel, D. (2010) Mindsight. NY: Random House Siegel, D. Audio Home Course A101 (or any Siegel CDs from Networker U). www.psychotherapynetworker.com. Stewart, S.D. (2007). Brave new stepfamilies: Diverse paths to stepfamily living. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Stone, D, Patton, B. & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. NY: Penguin. Wittman, J.P. (2001). Custody chaos, personal peace: Sharing custody with an ex who is driving you crazy. NY: Penguin. 10
P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W
www . s t e p f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s h i p s . c o m p p a p e r n o w@ gm a i l . c o m
3 LEVELS: PSYCHOEDUCATION--Some scripts for tough situations “Loyalty Bind Talks”: Actively loosening children’s loyalty binds Stepparent relationships seem to create almost genetically coded loyalty binds for children: “If I care for my stepparent, I have betrayed my other parent of the same sex.” Those binds evoke scared, withdrawing, “resistant” parts in kids. Adults can deepen these binds unbearably when the adults in a child’s life badmouth each other, or when adults pressure children to love a new stepparent. The good news is that adults can help loosen children’s loyalty binds. First, refrain from badmouthing the other adults in children’s lives.
I also coach parents, stepparents, ex-spouses and anybody else who will listen, to reassure children with “Loyalty Bind Talks.” Like conversations about sex, Loyalty Bind Talks often need repeating at different developmental stages and at major transitions in the family (i.e., when the adults move in together, when there’s a marriage, etc). Gary might say to his daughters, Hallie and Emma:
“Having a stepmom and a mom can be kinda confusing for a lot of kids. I want you to know that your mom’s place in your heart is permanent. Like the earth. Like the sun. Just like your place in your mom’s heart is permanent. Your mom will always be your mom. You will always be her daughter. Claire is your stepmom. A stepmom is different from a mom. You don’t have to love Claire. Or even like her. But if you do, she will be in a completely different place in your heart from your mom.” For a teen, you can begin with, “You probably already know this. But I want you to know that I know that....”
Note: Ex-spouses, especially mothers, also find a new stepparent threatening. It can be reassuring to Gary’s ex-wife to let her know about these Loyalty Bind Talks: “Just so you know, we want to reassure you that this is what we believe and what we are saying to the children about having a mom and a stepmom.” Talking with Children about a Toxic Ex-Spouse: Keep the focus on the child One of the most painful and confusing moments for a divorced parent occurs when an ex-spouse does or says something awful to the child. What to do? This child needs the parent’s calm, compassion, and clarity. Take time to calm down. Let your angry parts know they make Total sense. Then ask them to let you lead from a calm centered place. Be sweet and caring to parts of you that are frightened for your child. 1. Validate unacceptable behavior in a calm, factual, caring way. Simply, briefly, and calmly state the facts: “Your mom says bad things about me sometimes.” “Your dad does get drunk.” “Mom does lose her temper.” Children do need validation about unacceptable behavior. This is not a time to just say, “Your Dad loves you.” However, remember that ranting and raving meets the ranting parent’s need, not the child’s. Stay grounded and connected to your child. Your upset will make a painful situation even more unbearable for children. 2. Immediately shift the focus to the child’s feelings: “That must be very confusing when he says those things.” “That puts you in a bind—do you believe mom or dad? That must feel pretty bad.” “ What’s that like inside you when he starts drinking/when she says those things?” Then listen. Empathize. “That would feel awful if that’s what he said about me. Keep the focus on the child’s dilemma to avoid tightening loyalty binds. 3. If safety is an issue, make an action plan. I know Daddy, in his heart of hearts, wouldn’t mean to hurt you. But when he is drinking, he isn’t in his right mind. Of course it’s scary. That’s too much for any kid. These are situations for grown-ups to handle. Let’s make a plan.
11
www.stepfami lyre lat ionships.com P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W p p a p e r n o w@ gm a i l . c o m
THREE LEVELS: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS--“Joining” a short-cut to optimal arousal
Slow things WAY down. Lead with both compassion and confidence.
Some lead ins: “Can I stop you a moment? I have the sense that you’ve had this conversation before, am I right?” OR “My sense is that this is an important conversation, right? I’d like to help you have it better. Interested?” OR “I’m guessing that each of you is longing to be understood. But neither of you feels very heard, am I right? I’d like to teach you something that I think will help. It’s called ‘joining.’”
“Who wants to go first?” To person A: “Can you say just a sentence or 2. The nub of what you most want your partner to get.” To person B: “Before you respond, I’d like you to take a breath. Find your heart. Remember that you love this person! Now, look for what you DO understand about what A just said. Not what you agree with, just what you DO understand.” “Great! Can you tell A?” Stay with B’s ‘joining’ until Person A gives a little nod that B “got it.“ To person B: OK. Now add your own sentence or two. Back to person A: “Your turn! Before you respond, take a breath. Find your heart. Look for what you DO understand. Start with that. Stay with it until you get that little nod. I’ll help!” If someone launches beyond 2 or 3 sentences: “I know you lots to say. But, listening is a bit like eating. We can take in so much at a time! So, it turns out, if you want to be heard, best to stick to 1 or 2 sentences!” “Joining is not agreeing. It’s giving the other guy the sense if feeling “gotten.” “It’s actually the most powerful thing you can do to get heard! It’s simple. But it’s actually hard to do!” “I’ll help.” Therapist may need to interrupt to actively guide. Avoid shaming by leading with empathy: “I know it feels awkward. But I know you want to be heard. And you want to feel connected. So I’m gonna ask you to stop, take a breath. See if you can tell A what you DO understand….” As each feels more fully heard, look for tiny little signs of relaxation -- a deep breath, face softens, shoulders drop a bit. After 3 or 4 rounds, ask them to notice: “I wonder, Claire, how that felt inside, when Gary let you know that he got that?” (“Relaxed!”) “ Can you tell him that? Can you tell him how much it helps you inside when he just lets you know that he got it?” To Gary: “Does that surprise you? Can you tell her?” Help them to feel this in their bodies: There is a channel of connection under their differences. It comes, not from agreeing, but from fully hearing. If this falls apart, start tracking what is happening inside: “Gee, What happens inside when….?” 12
p p a p e r n o w@ gm a i l . c o m P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W , E D D . 9 7 8 / 5 6 8 - 0 0 2 5
THREE LEVELS: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS-- “Soft/Hard/Soft”
“Soft/Hard/Soft” is a simple tool that opens a portal to optimal arousal. It helps people to talk about hard things in a way that feels safe and caring, and that makes connection, not disconnection. 1. When you want to talk about a difference or say something hard or express something you
don’t like, start with something SOFT. Some ways to access “Soft”: Express your caring: “I love you and I want us to be close.” Give positive feedback: “I see that you’re working on getting your kids to pick up.” “I know that you’ve been trying really hard with my kids.” Empathize: “I know your kids aren’t used to picking up like this.” “I get that my kids are driving you nuts.” “I know your ex is so difficult and it’s so way hard to hold the line.” Attribute positive intentions: “I know in your heart of hearts you want to be caring of me.” Express confidence: “I do believe we can find a solution that works for both of us.”
2. Now, say the HARD thing, but say it with that soft energy.
The very act of looking for “SOFT” can access your caring, open your heart a bit and calm you down a bit. Saying hard things in a loving way makes it much easier to hear you. (To help your “HARD” message be heard, use “I” messages about your feelings rather than label or use “you” messages. Make requests --“I’d love it if….”--rather than criticisms. )
3. Then add another SOFT. Some examples (“Soft” is in italics. “Hard” is in non-italics)
Stepparent to parent: “I see that you’ve been working hard at getting your kids to pick up their things. I really appreciate it. But I wonder if you noticed that John’s things are all over the living room. I’d love it if you’d ask him to pick them up. I know it’s new for them, and for you. It really helps me a lot when you do that.” Vs.: “Your kids are complete slobs. If you’d just discipline them every now and then, maybe they’d pick up after themselves.” Stepdad to stepson: “I know it’s tough having a stepdad. I bet part of you just wishes I’d just disappear!” But, since we’re living together, I’d love it if we could be nicer to each other. You don’t have to love me or even like me. But I do think we can be decent to each other. I know it’s a lot of changes.” Vs.: “You are a brat! You WILL treat me with more respect.”
Parent to stepparent: “know my kids drive you crazy sometimes. It has to be hard that things are so much more chaotic than you’re used to. But I have a request. Would you try to talk to them with more calm and respect? I will keep working on setting more boundaries. I know it’s not easy for you with them. I love you. I know we can work these things out. Vs.: “You are over-reacting.”
Divorced parent to ex-spouse: “I’m sure it would be really fun for Janie to go to a Red Sox game with you on Sunday. However, you know that is my week-end with her. I know you wouldn’t want me to schedule anything on your time with her. You’ll need to find another time to take her. I know we both want good things for our kids and neither of us wants them to get caught in the conflict between us.” Vs.: “I can’t believe you expect Janie to go to a Red Sox game on my time. You always have been a self-absorbed bastard.”
13
www.stepfami lyre lat ionships.com P A T R I C I A L . P A P E R N O W pp ape r now@gma i l . c om
THREE LEVELS: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS
Patricia’s Tool Box Joining: See page 12 Soft/Hard/Soft: See page 13 “I” messages are much less triggering than “You” messages “I miss you.” [vs. “You are abandoning me.”] “I’m overwhelmed.” [vs. “You’re a slob.”] Two Circles
PP: “Let’s draw a big circle around you, Joe, and another around you, Jen. Staying inside your own circle creates less defensiveness!” “I” messages and feelings keep you in yr own circle. (Ie, “I’m sad.” “I’m scared.”) “You” messages and labels put you in the other guy’s circle. (“You’re being manipulative.”) NOTE: “I feel that you don’t care…” isn’t a feeling. It’s an idea. It’s your story about what’s going on inside the other guy’s circle! You can ask each other, “Could you try that again from inside your own circle, please?”) Track Arousal Levels Introduce the Arousal Levels Chart and keep it visible:
Self-regulation is the primary interpersonal skill according to John Gottman. Help identify physiological cues to triggering. PP: “Ooops! Let’s stop and take a check inside. Notice where your arousal level is?” “Getting tense.” PP: “Great! How’d you know?” PP: “How about we all sit back and take a couple of deep breaths?" Track Sequences of Parts Tracking sequences introduces the language of parts. It begins to make “the cycle” the enemy, not the partner. Also track the beliefs and feelings that parts carry. PP to Claire: “You are longing for Gary to understand how hard this is for you. Right?” “What happens inside of you when it’s so hard for him to understand?” Claire:“I feel so lonely.” PP:“And then what happens inside? C:“I feel like I don’t matter.” PP: “And what do you end up doing?” C:“I yell at him!” PP: “Oh! So a yelling part steps up, to take care of those lonely feelings?” C:“Yup!” PP: “Then what?” PP to Gary: “You love this woman. And I think in your heart of hearts you want to care for her, right? But what you see is not her pain, but that frustrated yelling part pounding on your door, right?” “And then what happens inside of you?” G:“I feel scared, defensive.”) PP: “And what do you do?” G :“Freeze.” “Or try to explain. Then withdraw.” PP to Claire: “Right! Claire, what happens inside you when Gary’s withdrawal part shows up?” C:“I think, ‘Now I’m really alone.’ I start to feel like I don’t matter.”) PP:“So the parts that want to protect each of you end up accidentally hurting the other, huh.” “It’s such a painful cycle for you both!” “What’s that like to see?” Help your clients to reach for each other & make requests from each other (vs. attack and criticize each other) Change the cycle by offering sentence stems that reach out, rather than exiling vulnerable parts: “I would love it if...” “It’s hard for me when…” Ie, Claire: “When your kids are here, I’d love it if you’d look at me.” Deepen the experience: PP:“What’s that like inside, Gary, when Claire approaches you that way? Can you tell Claire what that’s like for you?” Gary:“I love it when you approach me softly like that.” Claire: “It’s so scary to do that.” PP: “OK, Claire, to tell Gary, just how scary that is for you?” … “Gary, what’s that like to hear?” (If this does not move forward, “What happens inside when I ask you to do that?” “OK to learn some more about that part that goes numb?” Move (patiently, persistently, compassionately)toward a u-turn inside.) 14
CiAEi;iEEEigBEiIIiiE;;--eeEEIiiEEigA;i!ggEiiE EE: IEESI EEE i -Ei:E{ EE€; iitEt;EEEaIEE t iEi$iE=rigii i-iie
EIIEEtiEigEiliiEiiiEEiiEiia E;t;i iEt-Ei { iIEgIiEiig fiEfEgEEEEi i:EEFE iifiiEEfIEf iEgt'i
E Et.S aEHHLo-.$u
O b0o*l e-etr9--b:3HEE r€ g:2'E : 3 oo:.
s;s€r$x 3ff{ eiX Y:^I B g* H 6H c j
#I.*;g:H a:= rEf"5 udi€.HIOE " ; ]T e >,'E= E
T H gSEE5 ;: +3 E
ddCdi b E.H:.. c
I r; EeLE.Hi.:bqpX:lo>r6:m€:lfr3ie{;v- 6 c;i (l
:E is"i i,rl 5f:5 E;o- \J-cd, ts t*
arloc{otbo!oPfoI{.s(aa,oo
UIBES.E;gEL!AF.YFd=l<;ctrSS r.suEs E$7Or)to=x.e>{Ef,st> E6w-t!
ZENh9..sZtrtEr -t-S(J'luSFE
EBrs
t5hHo
EoPo-0,,oxlrJ
E3>o uo-JoEEP r- !:-5E 9E"t E cE= _- o-!619 (U o=99
llo-
E = Eg(tJo=:50 63oE a],E i $',.
i= =+!
E H ET gg.- -uEEe_qr: J . '6r x..llJPLOJqE E g#
u
€nE Esa:g€ eEgg--.; E E..;sir UE.e:SE EEHr*s! ;E 3il33 3-EA
t
=Et!
sdiodi>
o-o S
T/-15
rgti c-ar* itf iiiEi :*EfE ;fis
:Ei€ gsEE.; ?E;if,rriaiE EEfEE +IEiiI;
SEEEg;iiiEiliiiifiEE ;fti! tigs:Eirg€g $rfsr; gri;f;E
iililiiiiirEgiiiiii
i E": * Eei95It y-E'" 8.uE€E-o5E f IE* c E oaP:'"esEf!E:6-
$"6: F:s'E ro.: = Etr.=o.9o'= i orEU* 0 oOC YX- 6LY E< E 9 EEr Ei I iE:f:rE.o E g T
T f ; FE,q:I€ Ev (, u u-efEEt$1 pri5 Ee.e T@O L c e
i!tq*iE#EeX0L6-* Ee b.FOE o tr o-.t5.Efi
;t;a$+*itr;iliii;ggtlE Ef ri i r:
'rfgilFi3E;fsrarriif tgii, iggi g aiiiig tiii
i giiiB
i€iB I EEiili, ifiiIEsi;sf gi;g iisgirEi i*Efi
EFreic5-:i g E;t.ieEg Iie;EIIgi IE€f
giEiifii 9t E r 5.Hx >* :oI:.tf i; E E* t!;E ts fl ir
ffrEE!tE&r€"tE€EgEf;!tii EE Fgtsg
i i sE;sE I
F{
Tc,+CLCL
(Yl
.ER'A oioboCL .E'.o6)+r'El 5EP5YO.5LCo,ln-c a)
=EO+,lro(Estiot:EE* r>.o =E.= EgtcLEs8sS ioo R.9E E-.E
rsEo Blt€E'EsEE,38!g-=t4>.sSpi:=vt=ztr8E>E691u.=
T(a
E
E
e$ 16