Startup Communication for Co-Founders, July 2014

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Slides from my workshop on "Startup Communication" for 9 pairs of co-founders at Flixster in San Francisco, July 24, 2014.

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<p>Slide 1</p> <p> StartupPhoto by Heisenberg Media [link]CommunicationEd Batista@ FlixsterJuly 24, 20141Photo: Seth Anderson Who am I?Executive coachInstructor @ Stanford GSBwww.edbatista.comHBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees2Photo by Alex Eflon [link] Where are we1:1 communicationGroup normsYou &amp; your colleaguesgoing?3 How will weConceptsExercises &amp; debriefs1:1 feedbackget there?Photo by Chloe Fan [link]4 Startups ashuman systemsPhoto by Heisenberg Media [link]Complex group dynamicsCommunication = survivalFeedback = learningRelationships matterLeaders as leversReadMore5 Founder as avatarAvataraThe ideal made realCompany made in your image6 Concepts #1Todays headlineThe simplest feedback modelFeelingsThe net</p> <p>Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]700:43 5people avoid being direct because they equate it with being accusatory, which has gotten them in trouble in the past. Also, when people do things that bother us we impute negative motive and poor personality</p> <p>Must enter into the exchange with a different orientation: the assumption that the other is well-intentioned, has goals with which you can align, but their behavior is somehow doing them in.. Listen to what they say- what are their concerns, desires, fears?</p> <p>Its tough to get the other persons goals when we dont like them, are angry at them and have already made a bunch of attributions</p> <p>Watch the language and speak in the others language: e.g. what are your goals vs. how do you want to be perceived would work better for an executive; also be careful with stoking the others ego (too transparent) speaking to the others best interest rather than their ego works better and is more authentic.</p> <p>Subtlety tends to get us in trouble, but so can directness. How direct should you be? How far should you push? were simply shifting probabilities; no one thing is going to work every time for everyone. The headlineFeedback is stressfulSo criticize with skill&amp; give more heartfelt praisePhoto by Garry Knight [link]ReadMore800:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> The simplestWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].feedback modelPhoto by Ed Yourdon [link]900:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> The simplestWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].feedback model1000:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> FeelingsDisclosing feelings = vulnerableBut feelings influenceAnd vulnerability closenessComfort with discomfortPhoto by Rebecca Krebs [link]1100:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> The netDavid BradfordHow to improve communication?How to create closeness and connection?ReadMorePhoto by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]12 The net</p> <p>Me</p> <p>YouYourresponseMybehaviorMyintention13 The netStay on our side of the netFocus on observed behaviorDisclose our responseWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].</p> <p>14 Concepts #2Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]5 levelsHierarchy of needsSafety, trust, intimacySocial threatSCARF modelRelationshipsThe net (again)1500:43 5people avoid being direct because they equate it with being accusatory, which has gotten them in trouble in the past. Also, when people do things that bother us we impute negative motive and poor personality</p> <p>Must enter into the exchange with a different orientation: the assumption that the other is well-intentioned, has goals with which you can align, but their behavior is somehow doing them in.. Listen to what they say- what are their concerns, desires, fears?</p> <p>Its tough to get the other persons goals when we dont like them, are angry at them and have already made a bunch of attributions</p> <p>Watch the language and speak in the others language: e.g. what are your goals vs. how do you want to be perceived would work better for an executive; also be careful with stoking the others ego (too transparent) speaking to the others best interest rather than their ego works better and is more authentic.</p> <p>Subtlety tends to get us in trouble, but so can directness. How direct should you be? How far should you push? were simply shifting probabilities; no one thing is going to work every time for everyone. 5 levelsPhoto by Rita Willaert [link]Richard FranciscoIn what ways do we communicate?Increasing levels of difficulty, risk &amp; learning16Be empathetic and reassuring Im imagining this could be hard to hear I hope you can hear it as in invitation vs. rejection or criticism; if I were you I would be having a hard time</p> <p>Reassuring is affective, reiterate intent is cognitive</p> <p>How we receive feedback and handle our own defensiveness has a big impact on the willingness of others to give us feedback </p> <p> 5 levels1: Ritual2: Extended Ritual3: Content4: Feelings About Content5: Feelings About Each OtherPhoto by Rita Willaert [link]17Be empathetic and reassuring Im imagining this could be hard to hear I hope you can hear it as in invitation vs. rejection or criticism; if I were you I would be having a hard time</p> <p>Reassuring is affective, reiterate intent is cognitive</p> <p>How we receive feedback and handle our own defensiveness has a big impact on the willingness of others to give us feedback </p> <p> 5 levels5: Feelings About Each OtherHardestRiskiestMost powerful for feedbackPhoto by Rita Willaert [link]18Be empathetic and reassuring Im imagining this could be hard to hear I hope you can hear it as in invitation vs. rejection or criticism; if I were you I would be having a hard time</p> <p>Reassuring is affective, reiterate intent is cognitive</p> <p>How we receive feedback and handle our own defensiveness has a big impact on the willingness of others to give us feedback </p> <p> Hierarchy of needsPhoto by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Abraham MaslowWhat motivates us as human beings?1900:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Hierarchy of needsPhoto by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]PhysiologicalSafetyLove &amp; belongingEsteemSelf-actualization 2000:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Hierarchy of needsPhoto by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Parallels in groups &amp; relationships2100:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Hierarchy of needsPhoto by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Psychological safety, trust &amp; intimacyExperiments, risk-taking &amp; vulnerabilityLearning, self-awareness &amp; change In groups &amp; relationships2200:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Safety, trust,Photo by Carly Lesser &amp; Art Drauglis [link]intimacy2300:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Safety, trust,intimacySafety = I wont get hurtTrust = I believe you &amp; you believe meIntimacy = We can make the private public</p> <p>2400:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inquiry skills and ask open ended questionsListening and understanding does not meanagreeing with</p> <p>Use the Interpersonal Cycle to deconstruct others statement when they are over the netTry to keep from explaining yourself [always sounds defensive]Instead, share the impact of the feedback on you.Also validate the other persons experience and express interest in working things outSay when youve had enough (or when the timing is not right)</p> <p>Move toward mutual problem-solving -- you are not obligated to changeNow you have data on which to make a more informed choice</p> <p> Safety, trust,intimacyFeedback can create these qualitiesBut theres a problem</p> <p>2500:55 5 Your goal is to learn about the others reality -- not to win (or give up </p> <p>First, Listen! Again, listening is the art of seeking to understand vs. seeking to be understood. Good listening skills include:Focused/Active listeningParaphrase and acknowledge Remember your inqu...</p>