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SPLITTING UPHelping your children to adjust

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More than two in five marriages will end in divorce. This statistic does not include informal separations or cohabiting couples whose relationship breaks down.

It is estimated that over 3 million children in the UK (or one in three) will experience parental separation before the age of 16.

Many parents manage the arrangements for their separation with a minimum of distress to their children thereby reducing the likelihood of emotional damage caused to children as a result of their parents living separately.

However there are still many cases where

contact becomes a battle ground and the child’s relationship with one or both parents is undermined, causing emotional damage to the children and continuing the process of destabilisation of family life for future generations.

There have been hundreds of research projects over the past 15 years looking at the impact of parental separation or divorce on children. That extensive research shows that it is statistically provable that children from separated families have a higher probability of behavioural problems, perform less well in school and are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms.

On a positive note, the research goes on to demonstrate that it is within the parents’ power to ensure the children grow up without experiencing these difficulties.

Moreover, it is obvious parental conflict which is the source of greatest potential harm for children, even if they appear to be coping with it. Most parents can avoid significant upset for their children if they are determined enough to do so.

The purpose of this guide is to summarise the main findings of this research and to give some useful advice and pointers as to how you can do the best for your children.

Spend time considering the position from your children’s perspective.

What Most Children Say

1. The majority of children do not want their parents to split up and they regard such a separation as a major crisis in their lives. It should betreated as such.

2. Children want to be told what is happening at the earliest possible opportunity. Holding back important information is not protective. Once parents have decided to separate, it is best to tell the children sooner, rather than later. In many cases the children will have already picked up on what is happening. A quarter of children interviewed said that no onehad talked to them about it when it happened. Only 5% were given a full explanation and the chance to ask questions.

3. Children actively dislike their parentsto openly critise or undermine each other.

4. In particular, the majority of children found parental conflict surrounding contact visits extremely distressing. Children felt cheated and betrayed as a result. They came to expect it but respected their parents less as a result.

5. Children want opportunities to keep “normal” aspects of their lives going, as well as being able to talk about what is happening and participate indecisions. Recent research suggests that separating parents are in denial about the impact their divorce can have on their children.

In a survey of 1000 parents and 100 children:

• Only 14% of children were able to be honest with their parents about howupset they felt.

• 2 in 5 children said they ‘hide their feelings from their parents as they do not want to upset them’. Whilst 1 in 5 felt ‘there was no point in telling my parents how I feel as they are toowrapped up in themselves’.

• 1 in 12 felt forced to look after theparent as the relationship broke

down whilst more than a third claimed one of their warring parents tried to turn them against the other.

• Almost one third of under 18’s described themselves as ‘devastated’by their parents’ divorce whilst 1 in 12 thought it meant their parents ‘did not love them’ and had ‘let them down’. 1 in 8 children blamed themselves for the split. Some 31% of children witnessed their parents fighting whilst one in twenty drank and 3% took drugs to cope. Shockingly, 1 in 9 had self-harmed.

• A further 6% said that they had considered suicide and 1 in 50 said that they had tried it but was foundin time.

• In contrast, only 5% of parents realised their children blamed themselves for the split and 1 in 10 thought their children were ‘relieved’when they left their partners.

• 10% of parents realised their childhad seen them fighting – 3 times lower than the true figure.

• 8% of parents admitted that they had tried to turn their child against the other parent – in contrast over a thirdof children claim that one of their warring parents had tried to turn them against the other.

• 77% of separated couples think their children coped well – but only 18% ofchildren are happy their parents are no longer together.

• Only 1 in 10 parents knew their children were hiding their true feelings and fewer than 1% realised their child was drinking, self-harmingor taking drugs to cope.

• Perhaps one of the saddest statisticsto come out of the survey was the fact that 13% of children found out their parents were splitting up by overhearing it during a row and 1% were told by text message.

Factors that affect adjustment

There are a number of factors that affect how children are able to deal with their parent’s separation or divorce. Many of those factors involve their parents’ actions, reactions and decisions.

Parental Conflict

Parental conflict - whether at the time of contact change over or generally - creates the greatest potential harm for children, even if, superficially, the children appear to be dealing with this. Exposing children

to constant arguments, criticisms of the other parent or Court battles can be extremely damaging.

Communication

It is vital that children know that they are loved by both of their parents and that the separation/divorce is not their fault. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ problems and it is imperative that they are constantly reassured that the separation is not their fault and that it does not meant that both parents love them any less.

It cannot be over emphasised how important it is to minimise conflict with the other parent. Parents should never discuss grown-up issues with children such as financial matters, child support, adult issues relating to the divorce and matters relating to the Court proceedings.

Equally, parents should try and avoid placing blame on the other parent or trying to persuade children to their version of events.

How The Parents Deal With A Divorce

It is often very hard for parents to consider objectively what is in their children’s best interests when they themselves may be suffering anger, hurt, bitterness, betrayal and grief.

However children look to their parents for reassurance that the family can and will get through the process. They will

look to their parents as role models and will benefit from seeing appropriate and healthy ways to deal with any difficult feelings that surface. Parents cannot help the feelings they have but they can make an active choice as to how they deal with those feelings and the decisions that they make can and will impact on their children’s lives.

Level of Support

It is important to ensure that all members of the family have the support they need in order to deal with the effects of divorce and separation. The research shows that grandparents and friends were the key confidants for children whose parents were separating. Indeed it is very important for children to maintain contact with significant extended family members on both sides.

However it is equally important for grandparents and friends to be supportive

of the child rather than using such discussions as a chance to encourage the child to see matters only from one person’s point of view.

Parents must make sure that your child’s teachers are aware of the situation and to ensure that your child has access to somebody safe who they feel comfortable talking to about how they are feeling.

Most children of separated parents who took part in a counselling programme demonstrated improved self-esteem. Parents also generally reported improvements in their children’s moods, behaviour, relationships and experience in school. However, remember that children don’t always want to talk about what is happening, especially to adults who they don’t know well. They can often find more support from school staff and relatives being generally kind and helpful.

Your Child’s Personality

Children are individuals and will respond to the divorce in a variety of ways. Some children are better than others at coping with stressful situations. You know your child better than anyone. However don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you need it.

How to Help Your Children

• If possible, both parents should be present when telling the children about the divorce. Plan what you are going to say in advance. Keep explanations simple and don’t blameyour ex.

• Tell and keep telling your children that the divorce is not their fault. Children need to know that your decision to divorce had nothing to do with them or their behaviour. They also need to know that there isnothing that they can do to change what is happening and nor is it their responsibility to try.

• Tell and keep telling your children that both you and your ex love them. They need to know that the love that a parent has for their childis different from the love shared between a husband and wife. They need to know that the love that you have for them will not end.

• Tell and keep telling them that it is okto love both mum and dad. Tell them that they do not need to take sides or choose between you.

• Be honest. Your children will have a lot of questions for example about where they will live, will they have to change school, will they be able to see the other parent or grandparents. Reassure them. Encourage them to ask you or your ex any questions thatthey want.

• Reassure your children that both of you will continue to be a part of their lives. Make sure that your children know that they can speak to either ofyou whenever they need to.

• Let the children know with whom they will be living and when and howoften they will be visiting the other person.

• Listen to your children. Acknowledgetheir views but make it clear to them that it is not their responsibility to make decisions over these issues. Avoid putting the children in a position where they have to choose. Your children need you to be a parent to them and that involves making decisions for them which are in their best interests.

• Try and minimise changes as muchas possible. It is better for the children if they can at least stay living locally even if they cannot live in the same house. They need to continue contact with extended family members and friends.

• Let the school know. Ensure that your child’s teachers know what is happening. Agree with your ex who will be the primary contact; provide the school with emergency numbers. Make sure it is clear who will pick thechildren up and when. Whatever you do, don’t embarrass your children by discussing your ex’s deficiencies as a spouse at the school gate!

Do’s and Don’ts

All of the research demonstrates incontrovertibly that children function best when they have a supportive relationship with both parents.

Parenting is a life time commitment and your children want and have the right to have both of you actively involved in their lives. Even when the children are grown up there will still be graduations, engagements, weddings and grandchildren to deal with.

The research is quite clear; that it is harmful to children if their relationship with either of their parents is severely disrupted or severed. Continual parental conflict in front of, or involving, the children is the biggest cause of unhappiness, depression and behavioural problems in the children of separating parents.

The children of separated parents do best if they have strong relationships with each parent. This can be achieved by each parent being involved in as many routine parenting tasks as possible. So called “quality time” recreational activity is less important than routine parenting tasks.

Children do best when they have regular overnight time in each parent’s household. This includes very young children.

The most important thing is that the staying contact is regular and that there is a clear routine.

Infant and primary school children adjust well to shared care arrangements. It is more difficult for the secondary school

age children to deal with the changeovers during the school week due to homework and after school activities.

Contrary to people’s beliefs, children can manage different rules in each household as long as the parents do not make a big issue about it.

Obviously the ideal is for you and your ex to agree certain ground rules but if you are unable to do that for whatever reason you will cause less harm to the children if you allow for a degree of flexibility.

Remember that children want to be heard. They want to be consulted and informed of what is happening. However they don’t wish to make the decisions and it is not fair to put that burden on them.

Do’s

• Show your children that you lovethem.

• Let your children know that it’s ok tolove both of you.

• Tell your children repeatedly that it isnot their fault.

• Support your children’s relationshipwith your ex.

• Listen to your children.• Help your children feel they have a

home with both of you.• Provide your children with structure,

discipline and limits as well as love.

Don’ts

• Don’t criticise your ex or their family.• Similarly don’t bad mouth your ex’s

new partner.• Don’t tell the children the details of

your divorce.• Don’t use your children as

messengers or spies.• Don’t retaliate. Retaliation or giving

the children “your side of the story” simply continues the cycle of conflict.

• Don’t make your children responsiblefor making adult decisions.

• Don’t use your children as a friend. They need a parent not a friend and you need a supportive networkoutside the immediate family.

• Don’t blame. Children should not beforced or encouraged to take sides.

• Don’t stop contact if child support is unpaid and vice versa. However hard it may seem these are separate issues.

• Don’t try to buy your children’s love. G

This briefing note is intended solely as an overview of the law in England and Wales. It was last updated on 20.02.2017. No responsibility can be accepted for the completeness or accuracy of this briefing note and professional advice should be taken in relation on to any specific matter. Geldards LLP is a limited liability partnership registered in England and Wales (OC313172) and is authorised and regulated by the Solicitors Regulation Authority. A list of Geldards LLP members is available for inspection at our registered office at Dumfries House, Dumfries Place, Cardiff CF10 3ZF. We use the word ‘Partner’ to refer to a member of the LLP or an employee of an equivalent standing and qualification. * Please note that the cost of calling our 0844 numbers will include a “service” charge of 6p per minute and an “access” charge from your phone company. Geldards will not receive any payment from the call charges.

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