social styles

Your Visible Personality©

©4R-CE Pty Ltd., 2006-2011 all rights reserved. 1


By

Enda Eames

www.4r-ce.com




The ability to interpret how other people like to be treated during personal, social or business interactions is generally considered a significant advantage, especially when combined with a proven approach for reducing communication tensions and stress. Having the knowledge and skills to identify the signals people give us, and the motivations behind them (both positive and negative), can help us create an environment for more productive and harmonious relationships. However, knowledge by itself only alerts us to possible misalignments between ourselves and the other people we are interacting with. To truly influence a personal, social or business interaction, we also need a way to translate that knowledge into methods and skills that contribute to a win-win outcome for the parties involved.

Technology influences on our lives are all pervasive and clearly deliver a lot of benefits, but technical advantages are now short lived. The Internet has enabled practically anyone to have some degree of access to a myriad of technologies that deliver an operational advantage or increased efficiencies. This has resulted in a refocus on effectiveness skills and strategies to achieve an increase in competitive advantage. The difference may seem a mute point until the definitions of efficiencies and effectiveness are examined. Effectiveness - “the degree to which objectives are achieved and the extent to which targeted problems are resolved. In contrast to efficiency, effectiveness is determined without reference to costs and, whereas efficiency means "doing the thing right," effectiveness means "doing the right thing“. The shrinking potency of efficiency tactics has resulted in business reverting to the pre-Dot.com Bubble view of the early 2000’s that advantage is more significantly influenced by effectively and strategically managing interpersonal relationships.

Your Visible Personality© is an interpersonal relationship management ‘toolkit’ that focuses on the areas of behaviour and personality, and how they can be effectively integrated to assist people to achieve more harmonious relationships, increased business effectiveness, and win-win outcomes.

Your Visible Personality© will:

• help you observe another person’s behaviour from their perspective and priorities;

• help you interpret how other’s perspective differs from your own;

• help you adopt a specific strategy to reduce relationship tensions

• help you adjust your instinctive response or reactive habits when disagreements occur

• help you adapt your usual relationship management approach to match other’s

• help you align with the other person’s ‘comfort zone’ (preferred way of interacting).

By doing the above effective and efficiently, people achieve greater success in negotiation, counselling, influencing, and other people-to-people situations - with significantly less stress.

When people feel that their priorities and feelings are genuinely understood and respected, they tend to become more open to considering the different perspective of someone else. Proactively managing the tensions and stress that can result from conflicting priorities, different views, or misaligned engagement approaches is a skill that can be learned through the Your Visible Personality© process. However, there is a big difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Authentically empathising with another person’s ‘world view’, and adjusting our approaches to align with their perspective, can impose stress on the person seeking to influence or motivate another to follow a different path than the one they are on.

We have all been in situations where the person we are seeking to persuade or influence (ethically) has no real motivation to collaborate. Most of the time we just shrug our shoulders



and walk away, but there are situations – especially at work or in close relationships, when we have to ‘hang in’ and try to reach a compromise. This can often be very stressful especially when the compromise results in us being on the receiving end of a ‘you win - I lose’ result. Even if we intellectually decide that the other person’s view, opinion, or style of interaction is not intended to hurt us, it can still leave us with a feeling of being compromised or disrespected - but sometimes having to ‘swallow it’ is unavoidable. We only voluntarily place ourselves in a stressful situation if we can see the potential for gain. This punishments and rewards scenario is an everyday reality for the highly successful salesperson that consistently puts their “I must make the sale” agenda on the ‘back burner’. They learned that their success is contingent on a willingness to focus their energy on solving the problem, and translating how their solution uniquely delivers high value outcomes for that specific customer. This is called having a ‘you win 1st - I win 2nd’ mentality. This ‘win-win’ is easier to achieve if we have a proven and easy to use map that assists us to understanding and empathise with other people’s preferred way of interacting, deciding and acting. Essentially anyone who seeks to influence, persuade or motivate someone else is ‘selling’ and idea, a value, or a solution.

Sales success in today’s rapidly changing and hyper competitive world is in direct proportion to how we can authentically empathise with our customer’s task and personal agendas. However, the salesperson’s most acute stress is typically the result of managing the expectations and processes that exist within their company – especially when the ‘deal’ is high cost and nearing a conclusion. Effectively managing this stress requires empathy for multiple stakeholder agendas and adjusting our approach to align with the different processes, belief systems and procedures that are often unreasonable or unrealistic. We all remember someone who helped us achieve what we perceived to be a great result, or a colleague whose flexibility and patience was extraordinary. It’s highly likely that a key element of their success was an ability to uncover and empathise with other people’s personal needs or motivations. They were also probably highly skilled in helping others see how their solution delivered the best results. In order to achieve both our business and social objectives, we need to better understand other people’s ‘world view’ if we are going to influence their decisions or actions.

Your Visible Personality© is essentially about improving the skills and approaches that are used when interacting with other people. It helps us to achieve win-win outcomes through knowledge, learnable skills, tools, templates and processes that make it easy to identify, understand, and adjust to other people’s preferred way of living and acting. It incorporates a major breakthrough in how Personalities and Behaviours are integrated and provides tools and templates that help people to increase their success during interactions with others.

Observable Behaviour provides a signpost to Personality Type In order to distil a substantial amount of academic research in the area of sociology and psychology, a new model was required that makes it easier for a layperson to determine how another person likes to be interacted with during a business, social or personal encounter. The Your Visible Personality© concept is based on the premise that there is a correlation between what we can observe in a person’s behaviour and what has been recorded about the different motivations people have - that are ultimately reflected in their personality.

Innerpersonal Relationships The term Your Visible Personality© is a substitute for a string of descriptions of how behaviour; personality; the conscious; the unconscious; core identity; and the ‘unknown unknows’ of the human construct interact and integrate. It is collectively referred to as ‘Innerpersonal Relationships’. This document only addresses the behaviour and personality aspects of this construct. Your Visible Personality© uses two major ‘tools’ to help us identify, empathize and adapt to other’s preferred way of interacting. Social Style to understand



behaviour– what we can see; and the Enneagram to understand personality type – the inner energy or emotional projections that we can ‘feel’ when we are interacting with other people.

Social Style

Social Style has two dimensions – “assertiveness” and “responsiveness” (the word “emotiveness” is substituted by some practitioners). Assertiveness is defined as: "the degree to which a person is perceived as attempting to influence the thoughts and actions of others" (Wenschlag); it can also be explained as ‘the degree to which a person appears to ask questions or make statements (tell) in interactions with others’. Responsiveness is defined as: "the degree to which a person is perceived as expressing feelings when relating to others" (Wenschlag); it can also be explained as ‘the degree to which a person reacts reflexively to influence or stimulation – displaying (emoting) or concealing (controlling) emotions during an interpersonal encounter’. Social Style assists an individual to better understand and apply knowledge relative to their own and other’s behaviour by building competence in a model of four styles: “Driver”, “Expressive”, “Amiable”, and “Analytical”.

Social Style – what is it?

� Social Style is not the same thing as personality, it refers only to observable behavior � Social Style is not an absolute (i.e. a ‘box’). It is, instead, a matter of degree. A style is

plotted on a continuum along X (assertiveness) and Y (responsiveness) axes. A person’s style is located where the X and Y intersection occurs (see diagram below).

� Most people behave in a way that will reflect one Style most of the time. � There is no “best” Style – it’s about versatility (being able to adapt to other styles). � Social Style "isn't a trait or quality …not …either good or bad” (Wenschlag) � There are strengths to certain styles given a situational context or task requirements.



Social Style – why use it?

� Understand how others view your behaviour. � Understand why you find some relationships more productive than others. � Develop insight about your behavioural strengths and behavioural weaknesses. � Make reliable assessments about another person’s behaviour and needs. � Develop a way of communicating with others that considers their preferences. � Build on your strengths and the strengths of others to develop productive and mutually

beneficial relationships.

The Enneagram

The focus of the Enneagram is to understand the different ‘world views’ or ‘personality types’ we encounter in our daily lives, such that we can gain better insights into how different people might view the same situation or interaction.

The Enneagram – what is it?

� 9 strategies developed from childhood o Grouped by 3 ways of being in the world o Connected to the stress and flow of the individual o Focuses on motivation that drives behaviour

� Heightens awareness of self and other’s ‘blind spots’ (i.e. less desirable attributes) � Provides a way to better understand and appreciate self and others ‘world view’ � Helps us keep present to who we actually are (as opposed to what out ego demands) � Helps us to self-diagnose the cause of non-productive interpersonal relationships � Provides insights into the motivations that cause us to behave in certain situations

The following diagram summarises the nine Enneagram personality types.



The Enneagram – why use it? The Enneagram is extensively used across virtually all areas of life including education, therapeutic and counselling settings, spiritual development, and academia. It is not restricted by gender, race or cultural differences, but in fact can be an enabler to achieve greater levels of empathy and acceptance in these areas. According to Helen Palmer – who advocates the ‘narrative tradition’ (i.e. personal stories) way of teaching, “The Enneagram enhances, affirms and augments other psychologies and training methods.... is self-verifiable, lending itself to scientific psychology. Determining our personality type through the Enneagram does not put us in a box, but instead helps us see the box from which we view the world, so that we can step outside of our limited perspective and constraints.”

Your Visible Personality © - Social Style and Enneagram Integration The attributes of the Enneagram and how it integrates with Social Style is illustrated in the following diagram which shows the correlation between the two when the Enneagram (personality type) attributes are overlaid on the Social Style (behaviour) diagram:

The Enneagram is not a new phenomenon in the area of psychology and has been described as a reawakening and reformatting of insights about personality that have existed for over two thousand years. As a framework for understanding how people interact, it is very relevant in



today’s society, whether in a business, social or even a spiritual context. It assists people to have greater empathy for different perspectives and to make sense of why people behave differently. It also helps us self-diagnose our ‘blind spots’ – self defeating behaviour that cause us to get in our own way, and which often results in a lot of interpersonal tension or stress.

Your Visible Personality© is intended to help a user to achieve greater communication effectiveness and reduced interpersonal relationship tension. This is achieved by using the ‘tools’ to systematically determine the possible personality types of the individual you are interacting with. The first step is to observe their assertiveness (ask or tell orientation) and responsiveness (controlling or displaying emotions) attributes to determine their Social Style (behaviour). The second step is to determine which Enneagram (personality) types correspond to that Social Style, and ‘pro-actively’ adopt a communication strategy that is aligned with what you perceive is the other person’s type. By narrowing down the possibilities, you can increase the probability of aligning your perspective with theirs and achieve greater empathy for their motivations and ‘world view’. Your Visible Personality© is a translation mechanism between behaviour and personality type. Its key objective is to assist a user to gain greater empathy, alignment and harmony during interpersonal relationships.

Integrating Social Style and the Enneagram The symbiotic relationship between Social Style and the Enneagram is illustrated in a comprehensive table in the Your Visible Personality© eBook (click on link to access). This table is the distillation of key findings that were uncovered during a post-graduate research project at Lancaster University Business School (UK). It clearly illustrates the validity of the methods used to support the premise that ‘Observable Behaviour provides a mechanism for determining a person’s Personality Type”. The research process included both video and text questionnaire methods to validate other research by highly respected practitioners.

The table provides a representation of how Social Style and the Enneagram are harmonized – as identified by common phrases to describe attributes of both Social Style and the Enneagram. There is no intention to imply that the two interlock, on the contrary they cooperate as circumstances demand, similar to how different sections of an orchestra cooperate – as the music score demands, to produce the best music. This notion of harmony is at the ‘core’ of what I refer to as innerpersonal relationships



Your Visible Personality© (Templates)

Your Visible Personality© eBook also contains templates ((click on link to access) that are broken down into a number of areas which provide insights into the preferred mode of operation for the different Personality Types. The information includes – among others:

• an overview of each personality type;

• distinguishing traits when in ‘normal, under pressure, or secure states;

• how they prefer to interact within a team environment

• where they ‘fit’ on the Social Style diagram; and

• how they generally behave (body language, tone of voice, and words used), and

• strategies to effectively empathise and adapt. A user would typically familiarize themselves with the attributes of the different Enneagram types and where they respectively ‘fit’ on the Social Style diagram. By practicing and periodically reviewing the templates and supporting texts, users will build and refine their skills in diagnosing behaviour and personality type over a relatively short period of time. The following is a summary of the approach to determine someone’s Enneagram type. The first objective is to determine an individual’s Social Style. Once identified, it is mapped to those Enneagram types that are aligned with that Social Style. It is not possible to guarantee a perfect match, so the objective is to narrow down the possible Enneagram types you dealing with through a process of elimination. If you can determine that the person you are observing is an Expressive, then it is likely you are dealing with a particular Enneagram type. Skill will increase by continually observing the degrees of assertiveness and responsiveness during interactions with people and through building familiarity with type descriptions and nuances.



The templates within the Your Visible Personality© ‘toolkit’ provides insights into the nine different Personality Types. They help the user to increase their empathy and success when dealing or negotiating with others in the different stages of teamwork - Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. The degree to which you empathize with family, friends, or people at work greatly influences their openness to accept you, your views and way of being. Understanding and proactively applying the Your Visible Personality skills demonstrates your positive intent towards other people, and improves the alignment, quality and effectiveness of your communication and collaboration efforts. The greater your effectiveness at managing the tensions and stress that occurs when people’s perspective and agendas are misaligned, the more successful you become in the area of interpersonal relationships. In Summary The aim of the Your Visible Personality© ‘toolkit’ is to provide the user with a deep understanding of how behaviour and personality interact – at a layperson’s level. It includes relationship management tools that can help you to be more effective during a communication or negotiation event. It also has the aim of increasing awareness around the fact that people can genuinely see a situation differently from you, and have different priorities or ‘world views’ that are totally opposite to yours. Using the Your Visible Personality© tools can assist you to achieve greater empathy and self awareness required to proactively manage stressful and tense encounters with friends, family, work colleagues and customers. It can assist you to achieve better business, social and personal outcomes, by identifying and minimizing ‘blind spots’ (i.e. self-defeating behaviour and perspectives) that can cause stress or conflict in your day to day activities. It also allows you to analyze another’s behaviour such that you can more easily ‘get on their wavelength’ or avoid their ‘blind spots’. With the global marketplace having suffered the equivalent of a cardiac arrest in the past year due to the financial meltdown, smart business people are changing strategy to put a stronger focus on how customers like to buy, and less on pushy sales approaches. More empathy and integrity, and less snake oil, is the approach required today. This requires vendors to put themselves in the shoes of the customer, to genuinely look at the situation from the customer’s perspective, not just their own. Empathy is essential for success in our social and personal interactions. It is essential during negotiations, but requires a conscious decision to change any old ‘one size fits all’, or self-centred habits that are no longer acceptable to family, friends to work. People will only step out of their ‘comfort zone’ or old habits if there is a good chance they will get a return on their effort. In business, the reward is usually a wage or salary, a promotion – or even to remain employed. Typically, the successful businessperson has effectively demonstrated empathy and understanding for a customer or a ‘stakeholder’. They have usually taken the punishment of putting their own agenda on the ‘backburner’ in order to allow the other person to ‘win’ first, thereby gaining a reward (winning a sale, getting management approval, negotiating a contract, etc.). Those who don’t are typically less successful. Staying in our comfort zone (i.e. applying the same old familiar moves) or taking the risk to move out of it (i.e. being versatile and adaptable) is a matter of personal choice. If you are finding what achieved success in the past is no longer working, perhaps you should consider investigating how the Your Visible Personality© eBook might help. Some additional reading on the subject, and reference points for this paper, include the following books:

� “The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and Others in Your Life” by Helen Palmer. � “The ABC of the Enneagram” by Eric Salmon. � “Bringing out the best in yourself at work” by Ginger Lapid-Bogda. � “Personality Types” by Riso & Hudson � “Social Styles” and “Managing Interpersonal Relationships” by Wilson Learning.

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