Date : 20th April 2014 (Sunday)

Time : 12.23am

Concept : Ambivalent

It’s the time of the day again, I normally spend my night time wondering

about stuffs. My time has been really occupied lately, with the endless

assignments and the heavy workload. I’m both physically and mentally

exhausted. Come to think about it, I’m not good in drawing and I’m not artistic

enough compared to my friends and why did I even choose this course?

I wonder why am making my own life so hard? Why am I not doing

something I like? Why did I follow whatever my parents want me to? My dream

since young was never to become an architect, never even thought about it for

once. But my path was set clearly, by my parents. My dad is a contractor and he

really wish I can do something that can help him in the future or probably take

over his company and business. It isn’t really what I want to do, it’s not what I

wish for. I’m really unsure about the commitment I have for this course, I’m not

good enough and I’m not sure whether I can be good at it in the future. I really

feel like quitting and go for the thing I have passion and really interested in. I

mean why not? You only live once and why forcing yourself in doing something

you dislike. And there are many more years to come, I don’t think I would want to

spend my university life in doing things that don’t make me happy at times.

But at the same time, I think about my parents. If I ever give up on this

course, they’re going to be really disappointed because they put really high hope

and expectations in me. And deep in my heart I want them both to be happy and

to be proud of me. If I give up on doing what they want me to, it feels like a sin to

me as I’ve always been their good girl good daughter who is obedient to them all

the time.

At this stage, I’m fighting this ambivalence in my mind and thoughts. I

dislike the course and I wish to go blindly for the one I like but at the same time I

also don’t want to disappoint my parents as it makes me feel like a betrayal to

their love and expectations for me. Things seems to be undecidable and I still

can’t to work on the final decision yet because my thoughts are contradicting one

another.