so how come vnone i - internet archive
TRANSCRIPT
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; READY-10- SUPERPDSIER! LOOK INSIDE!!
SOMETHING FUNNY
sAfy
IS GOING ON HERE!
ir iT Hi IF M254
HBMAftMli SEPT. No. 127
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so how come vnone i
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NO. 127 THE WORLD S HUMOREST
FUNNY MAGAZINE
ROBERT C. SPROUL, editor and publisher
ALLAN KURZROK.proc/wcr/o/z editor
JOE CATALANO. GEORGE GLADIR. MIKE PELLOWSKL TOM PERRY. JR. UNDA EDJAKATED, writers JOHN SEVERIN. SURURI GUMEN, BILL WARD. DON OREHEK. JOHN LANGTON, CHARLIE RODRIGUES, artists GOTNO LERNIN, pruf reedr SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE, janitor
CONTENTS STAR TRACKS
Outrageous Outerspace Offering!. 6 CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE RESORT KING
Ridiculous Resort Report!. 43 SAGEBRUSH
Westward Ho, Ho, Ho!. 49 A CRACKED LOOK AT A RACETRACK
Hysterical Horsey Hoopla!. 26
FREE BONUS POSTER! Carefully detach complete cover at
staples and poster is ready for hanging!
AIRPLOT 1975 Ultimate Aviation Absurdity!. 28
IF OTHER INDUSTRIES GAVE REBATES Dumb Discount Department!. 15
IF NEWSPAPERS CARRIED PICTURES TO MATCH THEIR HEADLINES
Nonsensical Newspaper Narrative!. 17 KNIGHTS N' DAZE
Hilarious Helmeted HiJinks!. 49 YOU KNOW YOU'RE A T.V. ADDICT WHEN
Parental Homespun Hokum. 24 WHEN THE WORLD RUNS OUT OF SPACE
Our Look At The No-More-Room Boom!. 11 A TEENAGER IS
Addlebrained Adolescent Antics!. 40 CRACKED GUIDE TO SELF-RECOGNITION
A Key To Bodily Balderdash!. 38 SHUT-UPS
Surefire Conversation Stoppers!. 50 MONOPO-OIL
Oil’s Well That Ends Well!. 20 CRACKED TRACES A SPINOFF
Prime-Time Put-On!. 34 STANLEY
Satirical Stoneage Stupidity!. 48
CRACKED Magazine is published monthly except February. April. June. December
and copyright 1975 by Major Magazines Inc.. 235 Park Ave. S.. New York. N.Y. 10003.
SECOND CLASS POSTAGE paid at New York, N.Y. and additional mailing offices.
Copyright <© 1975 by MAJOR MAGAZINES INC. All rights reserved. Copyright under
the Universal Copyright Convention and International Copyright Convention Copy¬
right reserved under the Pan-American Copyright Convention. Todos derechos reser-
vados segun la Convencion Pan-Americana de Propiedad Literaria y Artistica. Title
trademark Registered in U.S. Patent Office. Publisher cannot be responsible for un¬
solicited letters, manuscripts or artwork although every effort will be made to return
such matter when accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Single copy
price. 50 cents. Subscription (8 issues) in the United States and possessions is S4.00.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES.
SEPT 1975
WHAT’S UP FRONT OUR COVER
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LETTICE from Readers
ADDRESS AU LETTERS TO CRACKED LETTUCE. 235 PARK AVENUE SOUTH. N.T.. N.Y. 10003
Dear CRACKED, We love to read your maga¬
zine, and that’s not all. We used to color it, too, but now that we re much older, we use oil paints. Issue #126 was just about the best yet, except for one thing. We tried some of your wacky tricks (The CRACKED Guide To Magic’) on our Aunt Freda and she disappeared.
Alexi & Viki Rutsch Pelham, N.Y.
Dear Alexi & Viki, We re happy you like us and
sorry about your aunt. Guess you can color her "gone." We don't know where she went, but if we see her, we ll let you know. Would it help if we sent you a roadmap?
Dear CRACKED, I think your magazine is the
best. I really loved Chariot of the Clods' and 'Ye Hang-Ups,’ CRACKED #122. Why don't you do an article on The Night Stalk¬ er?'
Don Knapp Dunkirk. N.Y.
Dear Don, We've sent 7 of our staff out to
get the goods on the Night Stalk¬ er, and none have returned. We'd like to help ya, Don, but if you want an article on this guy, you’ll have to do it yourself.
Dear CRACKED, While reading #123, I came
across an error that was so bad, I can never forgive you. It was the word 'alot.' Now any fool with an I.Q. of 95 knows that 'alot' is nev¬ er written as one word.
Critically Yours, The one-and-only:
Nick Akmakjian
Dear Nick, Thank you for pointing out the
mistake made by our proof-read¬ ing guru. We can assure you an error of this magnitude will nev¬ er again occur in this peerless periodical. Thanksalot.
Dear CRACKED, I've been reading the letters
in CRACKED lately. I’ve noticed that nobody writes about Sage¬ brush' and the reptile in that strip that is prejudiced against man. P.S. If reptiles are so smart how come they can’t throw beer cans?
Joseph Fernandez New York, N.Y.
Dear Joe, Good question, and a tough
one to answer. Actually, reptiles have traditionally scorned the use of alcohol, preferring to sun themselves on a log or visit a zoo.
Dear CRACKED, I enjoy your magazines a lot,
but there's one thing that gets me. If I want to cut out any cou¬ pons, I always have to cut out a part of a cartoon. Is there any way of solving that problem?
Scott Rogers Ocean Springs, Miss.
Dear Scott, Yes! Buy 2 magazines. One for
cartoons and one for coupons!
Dear CRACKED, Boy, your Great Moments in
Medicine' about the hearing aid was so goofy. Could you do one on Little House on the Prairie,' or'Rhoda,?
Thanks. Missy (the Iron Horse) Ouvoc
Brentwood, Missouri
Dear Missy, One down, two to go. We
might do 'Little House on the Prairie' at some future date, if it hasn't been condemned oy then. We called Rhoda to get her O.K., but she was out. We ll keep trying.
4 ;i! 3ui3uBipxa paB roonsuifo joj aaBoijnjaa }jt3 e 8uuia3 a« C13M0VUD
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jSutqooj si auo ou uaq.u xoqn®ai aq* a! laijaj eqi tfuijind Xq duicjs BJtBjsod b uo babs oj 3uiajj si Q3HDVH0
Dear CRACKED, I know you get a lot of fan mail,
but do you give a gift for writing to you? If you do please tell me.
Todd Vierk Mt. Clemens, Mich.
Dear Toddio, Matter of fact, we do. We do¬
nate one piece of insect feed to the ant farm of your choice. On second thought, you should send us a gift for doing this magazine
Dear CRACKED, I want to see how really smart
you are. What's the most CRACKED thing you can say to me?
John Weldon Houston, Texas
Dear John, Quetolonn pie 1st sak nerblot-
chic ramanowiki curtolp. And daer dekcarc yreve eussi. P.S. If you're CRACKED, you're happy!
IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!
Dear CRACKED, I’ll bet you won’t print this just
because it’s not funny enough. Steven Klein
Montreal, Quebec
Dear Steve, You were right. But we’re
CRACKED enough to do it any¬ way!
Dear CRACKED, I read Collectors’ Edition No.
6 about ’The Rodfather’ and Bul¬ let.’ Rodfather was full of holes!
Robert Whiley Camden, N.J.
P.S. I’d like to see you do ’Star- trek.’
Dear Bobby Baby, Look at the positive side. At
least the Rodfather won’t have to worry about air-conditioning this summer. As far as "Star- trek,” (the only thing that’s far¬ ther out than we are), your wish has been our command. Just turn the page, read and enjoy!
ItlM M’l ®r /]
v>*=i
What with pollution in the air,
muggers on the streets and wild animals, like squirrels and rabbits roaming around,
or an occasional lion or tiger
(if you live near the zoo—or in a jungle).
So, play it safe—stay at home
in your tree or your house or your treehouse, and get
CRACKED by mail.
Subscribe now.'
CRACKED SUBSCRIPTIONS 235 PARK AVE. SOUTH NEW YORK. N.Y. 10003
Here’s my FOUR DOLLARS. Please put me on your subscrip¬ tion list real fast. I want lots of large laughs?
NAME
ADDRESS
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CR
AC
KE
D
is in
ven
ting
plastic
termites
for
peo
ple
with
modern
ho
mes!
. ... 1 About ten years ago a T.V. show came on the air that was watched by thousands. Un¬ fortunately, to remain on the big tube you have to be watched by millions. Well, the show died, but not its popularity. Today, more people than ever before are turning on their T.V.
sets to see
Space—the last place to go. These are the adventures of the Starship Centipede. Sent on a special all-expense-paid five year mission, it's purpose —to examine new planets; to look for different civilizations and to go tiptoeing boldly to places where man has never
gone before.
Mr. Spocky, you I know Captain but I was just doing what the
introduction said ...
know that room is off limits to you.
Captain’s diary. Star date . .. anyone got a calendar?
Our mission was to explore the planet Change in the galaxy Money and discover it’s secret. The beam not working, we
were sent down in a new way devised by Spocky.
LADIES
<{
I ¥
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n I go swimming now
like you promised?
Later, Doctor. Looking about
Spocky, I get the; feeling
that I’ve been here before.
It is quite possible, Captain. This is
twentieth time they’ve rerun this episode.
mm Halt! Who are you?
I’m Captain Quirk and this
is Mr. Spocky and Mr. McDecoy. We’re from the
Starship Centipede and your
planet has been chosen by our computers at random
for us to explore and, also, possibly to interest you in
purchasing this combination
twenty volume encyclopedia and potato masher.
Excuse me, but why is
this planet called Change?
It is a secret known only to it’s inhabitants, Mr. Spocky.
Can we ask some of them?
Turnips? Quick, let’s take this
man back to the ship and examine him. Perhaps we can find out what’s going on here. Spocky,
have you devised a way to beam
us back to the ship?
CU
AC
KE
I) is puttin
g y
our ra
dio
in th
e re
frigera
tor lie-
cause
vou w
ant to
listen to
som
e co
ol m
usic
!
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LI ;joajjs oqj Smssojo
qoiseas 3uii?d3 pun oaiuo \ 01 Suioi* si aaMOVHO
| '.y. ttM
How I wish your people had
never landed on my planet.
I'm sure property rates
won't decline that much
It seems everyone who
does experiences strange,
incurable symptoms.
Nonsense. I was there and nothing's different
ibout me ... except this
terrible acne problem
ve suddenly developed.
Mr. Spocky, I wonder why it's called planet Change
Capt. Quirk, your hair is growing and your
uniform is turning into a dress —and all the
hairs on your legs are falling off. Why, you're
turning into a woman before my eyes!
Quick Spocky, before
it's too late, tell me ..
Am I cute?
vsfftm
m
mm
My ear! My pointed
little ear! Half my
personality is gone. We're doomed!
Captain, after talking to our Specimen, I figured
out why they call that planet down there... oh,
I see you figured it out for yourself.
What I cannot
figure out though
Dr., is why you
and Captain Quirk are suffering
while I am not. Superiority,
perhaps?
I don't know
I just don't
know ... by
the way.
Spocky you
dropped this.
Boney, what is this? Is there anything we can do?
I doubt it. What's left for a
man when Clearasil fails??
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;>peq i; Kuuq noX d^eui aoijod oqi SuiAuq pun snojp oqj qq.w akam; Suiuuiu si (IHM3VHD
Scotchy, I want you to hold steady on this course
We're not leaving this planet’s orbit until we
discover w'hat's causing this. Is that understood?
And Scotchy
Thank Mr. Slooloo for
the corsage he sent me.
1 • ■ ■■ ■ ■ ■
: H I ■ AKi'AX ■
because he can't.
No, it's due
more to his
lousy acting abilities.
How about a joint attack
by the Clingtos and the
Fribbles? Capt., I'm afraid
this time we might be
captured for sure.
Capt. Quirk,
the Centipede
is developing
engine trouble. Great.
What
else can
happen? And just when I haven't
a decent thing to wear.
Scotchy, I'm going out of the ship to try to repair it.
r* Let me give you a
hand, sir.
Scotchy, don’t give me that old
I’m not. I'm only
giving you your arm.
You dropped it.
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tD C • *-«
&
co > c
x: *->
o s o -
C/5 U
3 2 x> u Q> &p
■eg ~ > be—
Is <20
</) _
51
o« <a,
Sa
Well. I see you're all back to normal I think I've found out what's causing our problems. It
seems when we stepped down onto that planet, the
element Hahnoil was sucked into our bloodstream
causing our Rotterdam to expand and the gamma
globulin in our tibia to expostulate.
Yes. By the way, what happened to the
attacking Clingtos and Fribbles?
They had to stop; they all got called back
to their planet for jury duty. What's that mean
in layman's terms'
It means there's five minutes
left to this episode and if each
of us takes two Turns we'll be all right.
This is the planet Cancellation
and we’re being honored by its
inhabitants. You mean we
did it?
IfiWY
* * • * « *
I -
And did you
find what was
causing the
ship to act up?
So, that’s where
my other earring
Yes, sir. We found 0 went to.
this caught in
engine.
Not quite.
We have to
dock on that
planet below
to attend a
testimonial dinner.
Well. I guess
that’s it for
tonight.
We’re the only survivors of a
cancelled program ever to be shown
more times than "I Love Lucy!"
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Already the population explosion has led to intolerable' conditions the world over. On the overcrowded Los Angeles freeways, fire engines are still going to last week's fires. In New York, churches are now selling chances on parking spaces. So what’s it going to be like in thirty years when the world's population again doubles? CRACKED offers a preview of what to expect...
CAUTION: Room occupants
must not broathe in ond out at
tho same time1 OCCUPANCY BY
WORE THAN PERSON?IS
DANGEROUS
lc UNLAWFUL !
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YOU'RE ON CLOUD NINE WHEN YOU OWN A
BALLOON HOME! * Avoid bill collectors forever! * Just release sandbags and drift
away! * Down-to-earth mortgage rates
with no balloon payments!
Tomorrow's car pool will call for the maximum utilization of space.
PINOCHLE PLAYERS ASSEMBLE IN THE - LUGGAGE a i
DEPARTMENT' .
Apartments Available
TOWERING TOWERS
Free Oxygen to all
tenants above the
500th floor
Tomorrow's skyscrapers will dwarf the Empire State Building.
* A- . . r,
CR
AC
KK
I) i
s n
ot
spea
kin
g t
o y
our
wif
e in o
ver
a v
ear
bec
ause
yo
u d
idn
't w
ant
to i
nte
rru
pt
her!
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CR
AC
KK
I) is plan
ting p
itklis u
psid
e dow
n so
that
in¬ stead
of w
arts yo
u
hav
e dim
ples!
;ua\o inoA anu noX auqa ipnui os q^eaq s ojdood aaqao oa Sutquup si Q3M3VH3
Sports events will be hampered by limited space
IN TH/$ PARK EVERY CALL (S A
'CLOSE' ONE!
Spectators in
_ first three rows * must duck when
batter
pockets of ballplayers!
To reduce world population, children will be trained at an early age to abhor the opposite sex.
Couples will require
wouldn’t you RATHER NAVE TH/S
p/APER-FREE s. FACSIMILE? ^
FORMS MUST RE FILLED OUT IN • QUAPRUPUCATE .
LITTLE BOV5 ARE MApE OF FROGS ANP SNAILS ANP PUPPY
-X BOGS1 TAILS! r
LITTLE GIRLS ARE MAPE OF TETSAM, FLOTSAM ANP
r PIZZA PIE CRUSTS l. m
OUT OF THIS WORLD OFFER!!!
2 FREE ACRES TO ALL FAMILIES WILLING
TO EMIGRATE TO THE MOON
You ore only 250.000 miles away from spacious
uncrowded LUNAR ESTATES
Privacy booths will be set up to alleviate the tension from
overcrowded living.
Eventually, people will be encouraged to emigrate to the moon.
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;so.\nui .\p<K|ou n?t| i Jluidoij pui; |.\\of| aotlngoqi 1,? ^ldo,»<l (t(N»'nft -‘qi J<> ajnj.iicl v. si (IM>l.>V>1.)
Ultimately, when the moon and other planets of our solar system are overpopulated, governments will launch advertising
campaigns to induce people to leave this world for the next one.
offer also includes free tombstone
TEN PACKS A DAY IS THE ACCEPTED WAY
TO PUFF AWAY
* Note: It is illegal to use ony type of filter on th
government issue cigorettes.
KUNG-FU FIGHTERS! , Don't waste our limited natural resources by practicing on wood and bricks... r
PRACTICE ON PEOPLE!
IF YOU HAVE A GRUDGE WITH SOCIETY, SETTLE IT THE OLD-FASHIONED VIOLENT WAY ...
And what better way is there to encourage people to leave the material world then by depicting the hereafter in glowing terms?
Move up by moving down
IS A PRESTIGIOUS ADDRESS * Napolean * Genghis Khan * Adolf Hitler * Billy the Kid
are just a few of the celebrities you’ll be rubbing pitchforks with
Heated Sulfur Baths Red Hot Point Ovens in Every Room Play Shuffleboard with Live Coals
Equal
Hereafter Opportunity
14
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SCALE or
neighborhoods, no one will even know the difference.)
WHAT A | SIP-OFF ,
As everyone knows by now, business has been pretty bad all over. Corporation af¬ ter corporation has been try¬ ing everything to come up with that one magic ingredi¬ ent that will stir up sales again. Well, to date, it seems the best gimmick was the one used by the auto indus¬ try a few months back and, CRACKED figures if it work¬ ed for them, why not for oth¬ er companies. Yup, think how fast our economy would recover
But hurry!
Order before midnight tonight!
(... or tomorrow night!)
... we've been living up to
our name for over 20 years
The way we work is simple. We'll defend any
known criminal this month, in our usual way and
when the verdict (and our bill) is in, he will
receive a rebate of $200. You can’t lose,
'cause if we don’t get you off the hook, you
get an extra $100- and that's almost guaranteed.
So, what are you hidin'out for... now’s the time to
visit Smith. Smith, Sayer and Goatjuice and get some
extra cash in your pocket
Smith, Smith, Sayer and Goatjuice's
mm
Are you a criminal hiding out from justice- afraid to show your face
because one step out and-ZAP, you’ll be arrested-and you know
you just don’t have the money you need for a good lawyer?
Relax-now's the time to come out of hiding during
Have any NEVERLAST Swimming
Pool installed in your backyard by
April and receive a rebate of $500
good towards the purchase of a sec¬
ond pool for your yard.
Now, you don't have to be a one-pool
family like the Jones' any longer.
You can turn this:
What a deal —you’ve said our inferior slacks wear out too quickly at the
knee, well now (with this great deal) —when the left leg goes, sew your rebate on and you’ll have an almost new pair of slacks. (You'll look a
little weird, but if you hang out in dim light or awful
the top name in inferior slacks is oat to
increase sales with this amazing rebate offer:
Buy any pair of Sleezy Slacks and the cashier will give you a cash re¬
bate of 38« and the left leg of any other Sleezy Slack on the rack.
Into this:
IS HAVING A BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT!!! Buy 10 boxes of Brandex Tissues (at our usually
ridiculous price) and receive o rebate of $2.00 in
cosh and a free noseholr from a stage, screen
or TV star. Now. there's a deal worth nosing into!
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THE LOOK OUT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY can get you a job—
All we ask of you is time, patience and a 10% rebate from your first year's salary.
(in business for over 11 months)
dares the competition to match this offer!!
With every date you order by November 10th, receive a rebate of one free phone number from our "Funny Folder File."
Enclosed in this file are the phone numbers of dates rejected by our computer a dozen or more times. We like to call them "hard-to-place" dates-you might have another name for them; like creeps, mama’s-boys or dogs.
But, you’ll never know what you might have found, unless you act today!
Plattsburg Paints just sent me my
rebate.
messy thing you're wearing
Fred?
What
is it?
RECEIVE 2 CAMELS*!! When you stay at the fabulous, downtown Siesta Hilltown located on the world's
largest beach... the beautiful, romantic SAHARA DESERT! ..
Enjoy a year-’round tan (not to mention the raptures of sun-poisoning, and excitement and exhaltation of dehydration.) \.U
So come on across
(with your money) and save! guests must stay a minimum of 40
weeks to qualify for rebate!
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How many times have you read a headline in a newspaper and then found the story and picture to be the complete opposite of what you thought it would be? It’s happened to us and prompted the creation of this next article,entitled . . .
IF NEWS- I
I 111
PICTURES TO MATCH
• • • uo28,v\3uiod{0;vvc J^AOunjSui0qsiQ3^3vy3
BLEYERVILLE GAZETTE Late news! (We never make it on time!) 15C
KWIHIIiliUltliPga If we print it—doubt its validity
CATALANO TIMES
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WILLYVILLE WEEKLY This paper
The only weekly published every day 19C-no pennies | much! WEASELYILLE LEADER
MIAMI NEWS WEAKLY ★ Today's weather: There will be some.
C74e 25C 20C ★ Stocks: Brokers down 10 stories.
non-cents
Free Gift, see page 93 ★ ★ ★ 90 news-packed pages • 15C If you liked yesterday s news— here it is again
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New Frozen Food Recipes
Inside ANCHORAGE
GAZETTE Si-
change is too cold
THE MBGSWAMP JOURNAL Today 30C Tomorrow—25C and sinkin
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A new game is sweeping the Near East. It reflects the new-found
economic power of the Arab world. Not since the introduction of
the harem has a plaything generated so much interest. We are
referring, of course to the most popular of all parlor games...
BRIEF IDEA OF THE GAME
The idea of the game is to buy, control, and manipulate as much as possible, through oil holdings, while still observing the ancient golden rule—He who owns the gold, rules.'
RULES
Rules of MONOPO-OIL are similiar to MONOPOLY with a few minor exceptions.
TO START THE GAME —Each player is given ten billion in petty cash, fifty wives and five goats.
The player who shouts the most stirring battle-cry against Israel gets to roll the dice first.
MISCELLANEOUS —Non-Arab players are invited to play, provided they observe decorum, i.e., they must not get pushy and try to own more than Texas and Oklahoma. (See Game Board)
OIL WELLS AND REFINERIES —When a player owns a complete color group he can start building up to 4 oil wells on his property. He may then erect a refinery after delivering the four oil wells to the Bank. (It is very desirable to erect refineries on account of the exorbitant price-gouging which may be engaged in.)
OIL WELL AND REFINERY
GAME TOKENS
‘Note- If in the course of the gome a non-Arob player monoges to accumulate some wealth, it is suggest¬
ed that Arab players band together and formulate new game rules.
20
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i
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M©N©P©-®IL COPYRIGHT <0 1974 BY OPEC
(ORGANIZATION OF PETROLEUM EXPORTING COUNTRIES) ANY ATTEMPT BY WESTERN POWERS TO SET UP A SIMILAR GAME IS A
COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT AND WILL BRING FORTH THE WRATH OF ALLAH!'
<S c\*
c# o * A*
a-°*
<?’•. ..u c*• •
V.. jS
eV.^
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TRANS SAHARA
CARAVAN
CASABLANCA BOULEVARD
PRICE $100 MILLION
PRICE
$200 MILLION
SULTAN TAX
YOU PAY SULTAN 50%
OR YOUR RIGHT ARM
TEXAS
MAY BE
OWNED BY
NON-ARAB
PLAYER
OPEC COMMUNITY
CHEST
O z _ O'
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Sd z > LU LU O' CD u_ ^ Q_ Q
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MAY BE
OWNED BY NON-ARAB
PLAYER
PRICE S60 PRICE $60
21
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KISMET AND OPEC CARDS
KISMET YOU HAVE BAD BREATH.
TO FRESHEN IT
YOU BUY A MINT...
THE U.S. MINT l 0
KISMET
YOUR SULTAN DAD CUTS YOU
OUT OF HIS WILL...
he leaves you only $10 Million.
KISMET
ft
SORRY! THAT TRILLION DOLLAR
1 OIL WELL YOU 1 DISCOVERED IN YOUR ■ BACKYARD WAS A ONLY A MIRAGE
OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST
YOU TAKE PITY ON THE LESS
FORTUNATE...,
YOU SEND A $2 BILUON DOLLAR CARE PACKAGE TO THE ROCKEFELLERS
r\
KISMET
YOU ARE CAUGHT EATING A LOX
AND BAGEL
SANDWICH.
SURRENDER EITHER TEN WIVES OR TWO GOATS
OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST
PAY CAMEL TAX
YOU MUST EITHER
SURRENDER FRANCE ANO GERMANY...
OR AGREE TO ACCEPT NEW JERSEY
KISMET
YOU GET LUCKY
IN ARAB
POKER GAME
... you win Italy, Japan and
Raquel Welch.
KISMET
FOR HIS BIRTHDAY YOU GIVE YOUR SON A SET OF /
BLOCKS... \ ...34th STREET, (
TIMES SQUARE NJ AND WALL STREET i
OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST
OIL DEBT ERROR IN YOUR FAVOR.
COLLECT DUPONT,*^ I.B.M..
AND GENERAL ELECTRIC
_ OPEC -LJ COMMUNITY CHEST
YOUR SON WOULD LIKE TO STUDY THE
STARS... YOU BUY HIM HOLLYWOOD
TITLE DEED
EFFENDI BOULEVARD
RENT $26 MILLION
WITH 1 OIL WELL S130 MILLION
WITH 2 OIL WELLS S390 MILLION
WITH 3 OIL WELLS S900 MILLION
WITH 4 OIL WELLS Si 100 MILLION
with REFINERY you may charge all that the traffic
will bear
WARNING
DO NOT UNDERSELL THE ABOVE OPEC ES¬
TABLISHED PRICES, OR MAY THE FLEAS OF A DISEASED CAMEL INFEST THE HAIR OF YOUR FIRST-BORN
EFFENDI
BOULEVARD
PROPERTY'S SUBJECTS MAY BE SOLD INTO
SLAVERY FOR $150 MILLION
Card must be turned this side up if subjects are
sold into slavery
?T-e&SL ©0*e
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NOW Hwilna eanls!
CRACKED ANNUALS 235 PARK AVE. SOUTH NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10003
Please send me the Annuals I have checked. Enclosed is.which includes the total price of my selections PLUS 251: mailing and handling charge for each selection.
GIANT CRACKED #9. 75® CRACKED GOES WEST.50C GIANT CRACKED #10. 75® THE CRACKED GANGSTER GALLERY .... 50® KING SIZED CRACKED #8. 75® THE CRACKED TV SCREEN . 50® THOSE CRACKED MONSTERS. 50®
NAME
ADDRESS CITY STATE ZIP
REMEMBER—Add 25® mailing and handling charge for EACH selection you have made. 23
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CR
AC
KE
D i
s t
ryin
g t
o s
av
e o
n s
hoestr
ings
ing
your fe
et b
lack
and
lacin
g u
p y
our
Co
es .
.
When it comes to things that are habit-forming, the only competition cigarettes has is—television. The
followers than the Pied Piper. But some people get "hooked" on TV. They'll watch their set when it's turned
In the interest of public health (and to give people more time to read our magazine) CRACKED presents this
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Boob-Tube, Idiot-Box or One-Eyed Monster has made friends faster than a 20-game winner and has more
off and suffer withdrawal symptoms whenever they hear the national anthem,
expose on the tell-tale warning signs. We think you'll agree that...
• • • the only thing,
rp,ry poid ,or ♦rlgerafor and color TVI
... all the game shows don't seem
alike to you!
station Wr'loa *°,,or ’° your lot 6 ol c°niplalnlng their 2 o.n
m- Pr°S^-"mlng |s farrlblel
,ddlng
nt of ... you can name all the TV shows
Don Rickies has been onl
atching
r big *
thl
• ' * 1BM SBA Xl^UnOD
pjeaq noX asneoeq .<310 aq^ oj 3aiAora si Q3X0VH0
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Wanna know what goes on at a typical racetrack? Besides the usual horsing around,that is. Well, CRACKED will give you the straight scoop. Settle back as we stop with our stall already and take ..
5^4 Which runs
faster; horses or trains?
My horse I stopped a Why, trains of course!
was so slow, the jockey carried
a change of saddle!
runaway horse yesterday. I bet on him!
mind when my horse lost the
race. But when he came over to the grandstand
and said, 'Which way did they go?" -that was too much!
Where can I place a bet
in your building? So how come you don't bet
on trains! elevator boy He'll take
Yesterday I bet on a horse
so slow, he was arrested for
loitering!
Mine was a great horse. It took eleven other horses to beat him!
Now, there's a man
who knows horse _flesh!
Oh? Is he a
trainer?
How do you make a slow race horse
fast? No, a butcher!
I cleaned up at the
track today.
All day long it's nag, nag, nag!
Are you LJ No, a o bettor? Pjonltor!
I can't believe you've
sworn off gambling.
I don't play the horses
for money. I play strictly for laughs.
Last week I laughed away my car,
-\ r——Wanna hear > my iu<*?
MjWr JwLC MV jockey broke
( rS his le9' and ,he horse
^^ jshot him!
Would you shoot a horse with a broken
leg?
No, I d shoot him with a gun!
I just heard the Kentucky Derby
race is for three-year olds. Isn't it disgusting
what some parents will do for money!
I had a good day at
the track yesterday. I
didn’t go!
If Paul Revere rode the horse
I bet on, we d still be under British rule. My brother
is a real horse player. He went
to horse show at Madison Square Garden, looking for
the ^ wind°w*
I hear they're putting ** in a special window J for women bettors,
A SI .98 window! '
I bet on a horse called
radish. I al ways wanted to say:
C mon, horse Radish!"
break even today. I need the money!
This tout promised me
my horse would walk in. And he did. Trouble is,
the other horses were running!
Did you No. my bring the wife blew money to it on the
bet? rent!
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Your horse
won the sixth
race? That’s wonderful!
I could have
sworn I saw
a green mare on
the track!
How did a
6 5 guy
become a
jockey?
That's a
horse of
another
color.
Helled about his
height! Wrong! He
started in
the fifth race!
A race track is
a pretty strange
place. Here, the
windows clean
the people!
f If you’re a 1 haven’t
J jockey, how H been riding
come you don’t A long enough to
have a riding 1 get the habit!
habit? • ^
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A couple of years ago there was a novel called "Air¬ port.” It was read by millions and subsequently made into a high-grossing movie. Well, the old Hollywood adage is, "If they liked it once, give it to them again." And alas, they did, in a horrendous sequel entitled
You always say that.
Where do you want it to go? Allum, before I leave on my
next flight, I have to talk with
you—about us. Our
relationship seems to be going
nowhere.
What boys
You gave
it to me
last
month!
I don't know,
but I've been going with you
since the second grade and all you've
given me thus far is a bullfrog.
Mom, isn't that Glorium Swansong
the movie actress? Captain Stately, we would like you
to delay take-off. An ambulance
is rushing to your plane. I bet
Dad
worked
on her
too.
Yes, but why be in awe of her when
your father i* head of airline maintenance?
He's much more important.
He keeps these old wrecks running
in top form.
whot
makes
ou look
he way
'ou do?
my lad —
Revlon,
Max Factor
and old
age.
She arrived by
taxi twenty minutes ago
The ambulance is
bringing the inflight
movie to you. The chief
steward forgot it.
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EXORCIST
"•Him?
If she doesn't get a new
kidney soon, it's certain
death.
Golly Noncy, this is my
first flight. I hope
I don't get my coffee,
tea or milk, line mixed c
Oh, I'm so nervous.
n? I was hoping
iy acne would
cover that.
Hey, watch
it lady! I ain't
dead yet!
Why are you leaving in such lousy
weather, Karate?
Why not? Youi
*oice has got
to be better
than
O.K., flaps up—no smoking sign
off—plane on automatic pilot.
Gulio, how are the new engines?
Hello, sick girl.
I'm Sister
Humalong. Is
that your guitar?
Well, wake it up!
)ese airline cutbacks
to save fuel will
be the death
of me yet.
your
acting.
song
The second engine seems to be
falling asleep, Captain.
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What's that in
ayman's talk?
A what? Ladies and
gentlemen, for
your entertainment
£ Captain Stately, the west
coast is fogged in, so
t we're diverting you to
1 Salt Lake City. I'll give
7 you a new vector.
Today's
feature presentation
vill be highlights of Evel
Knievel's jump over the
Snake River Canyon.
Oh good,
something to
take my mind
off the fear of
flying.
A vector!
Directions!
-147 North
Turn left at the
first cloud,
dummy.
now
I remember my first trip as a little Dear, you look like
you're in pain.
Kidneys again?
Do you? Was the Mayflower
really as rough as they say?
Look! That little plane is coming
straight toward us! Oh, No!
an attack
of heart! Maybe it thinks this 747 is
it's mother.
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Noncy, this may be a stupid question,
being that I'm new and all,
but is there always a
big hole like that in the cockpit?
I think you
should know
that I was the
only kid in my
high school to
flunk
driver's ed.
Salt Lake City,
this is
Noncy Prying,
stewardess.
All our pilots are
either dead or
injured. Help us
We read you, Noncy —
you've got nothing to worry
about. Just sit behind the
wheel and hold her steady.
It's as easy as driving a Not usually
How about
cuts and
bruises caused
by an airplane
crash?
Has she had
much flying
time?
Noncy, this is
Allum. I'm going
to talk you in.
Can't you just forget
our fight for a few
minutes?
Miss, I saw two
men go floating
by my window a
little while ago
and they looked a
lot like our pilot
and co-pilot.
It's all right.
They were just
stepping out
for some air.
My, yes!
Close to
five minutes
worth.
Chief
Stewardess
Noncy Prying
You hurt me.
A woman doesn't
forget neglect
and mistreatment.
it's you! I'm sorry
Allum, but I'm not
speaking to you.
1 want you to pull yourself together, go
downstairs and tell those
passengers that everything is all right.
m ■ Attention everyone, this is your new stewardess,
1 EE3. Si f 7^
Max. That bump we hit was (sob) nothing.
Everything is (cry, slobber, cry) all right and we'll
be (sniffle) crashing any minute. Please fasten your (sob,
L* Ihink you can do it? K wrw sniffle, flood) seatbelt and prepare to (cry, boo hoo) die!
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That Sister Humalong is
amazing. All right, now, the 3 With your finger,
automatic pilot is J® Is the plane flying
marked 'automatic H straight now?
pilot.' Press it.
J No. but the
windshield wipers
I don't have an iron. — are working just fine
No, the way she can
still play that guitar
even though she's
wearing gloves.
The way she boosted
all our spirits by saying
everything will be all right?
Joe? How's the weather? O.K., Noncy, we decided
we re gonna drop a
pilot into your plone
who'll then fly you in.
Noncy, is
that my
hus¬ band?
the plane f The
weather's fine. Sure, but
make it
quick. He
radioed
collect.
He’s fine—Noncy, where
are you going?
Noncy,
big problem It's the only way.
This way, if you miss once
you'll spring back and
we can try again.
Are you sure this is the
easiest way of dropping me
into that plane
—strapping me to this yo-yo?
Worse! We've run
out of tea. Now
I can't "coffee,
tea or milk" anymore
What; Max? Did
the wing fall
off? The
plane crack?
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4 1
Allum, he's floating away! He didn't make it!
Well, there's only one man left to try.
sorry. No boarding pass
no entry. Regulations,
you know.
What brave? I'm talking about you
You're the star of this disaster.
Joe, you re
a brave man Yes, it is. Do you have a
boarding pass, sir?
Allum, you came to apologize
Did you bring me flowers?
Ladies and gentlemen, we now have a pilot on
board who's got an excellent record.
Unfortunately, that record
is not for navigation. And . . . Max
what are you doing?
weirdo
gonna What do
you want me to
do this time?
wen, we ve
got another
problem—no
brakes.
Noncy, you've gotta
help out again.
Will they survive
Will they arrive safe Lean out of
the hole there and drag
your foot along
the runway.
For the answer to tw
and other questions
see
AIRPLOT We re doomed
(Well, you didn t
think we were gonna
stop with just
\ V
Noncy,
let me
in.
f \V A
M
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34
The latest trend on TV these days is taking one of the minor characters from a hit
show and giving him or her a series of His or her own. Now, iff this continues, one day
there's gonna be more spinoffs than cops on TV. "How is this possible?" you ask. Well,
because there's no end to the number of series that can be created from the original as you'll soon see when
A while back. Norman Leary and friends produced a thoroughly enjoyable show called All In The Familiar."
Glaria, I know you and Mikrophone are angry at one another, but the only way your marriage will last
is if you both learn to put up with things. Like take your father
and me—during the football season he won't pass me the salt at dinner
unless I go out three yards.
But Mom, you take
everything Daddy dishes out.
going-an what did
he do? Not so. Last night I told him that I was sick of watching football on TV.
He turned the TV off and we listened to the game on the
radio, instead
|S?;
,
MAWDE, how come you always wear
such long
It hides my fat legs. Waltner. I only want the best parts
of me showing.
9
CR
AC
KE
D is g
ettin
g d
ivorc
ed, th
en re
marry
ing a
gain
because
the
div
orc
e d
idn’t w
ork
out
. .
.
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CR
AC
KE
D is
And, you guessed it —out come
Good Tymes."
Now, Norman Leary, not one to stop at three shows, noticed that there was still another character on "All
In The Familiar that could be exploited, so out came
The Jeffonsons.
G.G., stop watching television and go do
your homework. I can t Mama— | I’m celebrating.i
Celebrating what?
Ljfr- ^ - The fact that
I ain’t doing my homework.
fmmm
The son will grow up, have a dog,
they'll move to a cave and low and behold we ll see
Oh,yeah. He s
only been out there an hour
looking for the dumb thing!
174V'
After awhile, the dog will become loved, that he'll have his own show.
What's tonight's | TV Guide says: “After two years of fetching
episode. Mabel? | Flash finally returns with his stick."
m
1i
- wwh
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CR
AC
KE
D is w
alk
ing «
traffic
court a
nd sayin
g
Now Norman Leary, in an attempt to keep his shows
high in the ratings, will devise a special in which all of the characters from the Leary shows thus far will
appear at a big party.
>v.*
As the months progress, Mr. Leary will find it neces¬
sary to compete with Rhonda" and "Mary Tyler Moose. So a major event on All In The Familiar" will occur.
And of course from out of this special
none other a new program
than Monti the Caterer
Mugsy, the cave—it’s starting to collapse
—but only where we're standing.
It’s a message. The cave is telling us that crime
doesn’t pay. And you thought this cave was just a couple of stones.
Where’s Flash, Mom?
I dropped my earring
outside and he went to look for it.
I Mugsy, I’m going straight and after staying here and
| getting the message, I'll never take a cave for granite again
Tell me, West Virginia, how
did you like being my maid a 11 those years. w'ntmi*
Oh fine, except one I thing made me nervous
Except maybe your
brains, dingbat.
No, doing the sheets!
Doves? Please sir, I
don't want to overdo it. It's only my daughter's
first birthday.
U.K., so you re gonna nave 2.000 guests, a 50-piece band
and a 15 course lobster
dinner. Do you want any doves flying around?
Fine, but if you’re walking out on
me, then put
back the car keys
you just took.
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Meanwhile, back on Flash’s
Ma. Flash just gave
birth to three puppies
And naturally, these puppies will
grow up, go out on their own and have their own show.
I ll sav!
For the past
two years,
Flash has been a male!
Meanwhile back on Mawde, a new English maid
was added when West Virginia left, but before you know it...
I'm leaving you. Mum. Mr. Leary is
flying me overseas to film my own series.
Of course, Leary will want to hit
every minority possible, so on
The Jeffersons we’ll discover.
A heap, far away, distant cousin.
But one day, all of these spinoffs will stop. And
why? A lack of creativity? A shortage of new char¬ acters? No —
Your other shows now occupy every
time slot on all three networks.
mns
v/iY/, .''A'..
CR
AC
KE
D is goin
g t
o t
he corn
er
mark
et
and askin
g
to b
uy t
wo
corn
ers
. .
.
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Bizarre Body Dept.
Fat people talk about losing weight... thin people talk about gaining weight. All this talk is okay ... but how do you know for sure which category you fall
into? We now offer you some of the telltale clues in this ...
YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO FAT WHEN... ... you pick up your little niece and
she shows you she can count to ten—
using your chins instead of her fingers!
... you're having dinner at a fancy
restaurant and the waiter brings you a
shovel instead of a knife and forkl
you go to the zoo and the elephant
... you start jumping rope in your ... you cross the street and you're hit
fourth-floor apartment and end up in by an economy car —and you're not
the basement! even scratched, but the car is totaled!
... the person sitting on the stool next
to you in the diner, is you!
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO SKINNY WHEN . .. you go out for the track team, and
make the squad as a javelin! ... you take a bath and pull the plug, ...you can build a ship-in-a- and you find yourself being sucked without using any special tools down the drain! _
... you win a part in the off-Broadway ...you clean your shotgun and find production of Rally Round The Flag''
you con use vour arm as a ramrod! —and you get to play the part of the
. .. your boyfriend puts his arm around your waist—several times!
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Everyone has heard the rumors about teenagers.
Well, we’re here to tell you that those rumors are true, there actually are teenagers.
They're extremely hard to identify, but thanks to CRACKED, you’ll be able to recognize ’em in a minute. You will, that is, after you know that
Someone who would run
away from home if she could
figure a way to take the
phone with her!
A person who would obey his parents
completely if they would only tell him
to do as he pleasedl
Someone who eats in a Chinese
restaurant and they have to send
out for more rice!
A guy who is growing up to
be the kind of person his Somebody who regards home as a Someone who thinks a well-bal-
mother didn't want him to drive-in where Pop pays for the food anced diet is a hamburger in each
have as a friend! and drinks! hand!
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homebody who puts the radio to A guy who wants his steady
their ear to listen to music every- A person who likes homework so gal to be true to him but tries
one else can hear a block away! much that he can look at it for hours! to date other guys' steadies!
A cat who thinks curbing his emo¬
tions means parking by the road¬
side!
A chick who is always ready to take
off at a moment's notice and go buy-
buy!
Somebody who sits by the
phone all evening waiting for
some action and then plays
hard-to-get by letting it ring 9
times before picking it up!
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I NAME_ • ADDRESS_ j CITY_STATE_ ] zip-;
1_j
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Be it summer, winter, fall or spring, people are constantly leaving their homes to go on vacation, and
perhaps the number one spot where most people head, is the resort. Here, without leaving a fenced-in
area, you can enjoy everything under the sun (unless of course it happens to rain). Now, in case you've
never been to one of these spots or you're wondering what goes on behind the scenes, we've come to
your rescue again, for, this month...
Well actually,
there are only 10. but we say
1000 because of a slight typographical
error made when our resort brochure was
being printed.The
cost of fixing it was
just too high.
Mr. Gabonza, I'm
glad to make your acquaintance.
Hi, I'm Nanny Dickering and this month I’m at
Sleepy Acres —the fabulous, plush vacation resort
where in a few' moments .I'll be interviewing its owner and manager. Mr. Irving M. Gabonza.
Are there really 1000
ways to amusi oneself here?
Welcome to Sleepy Acres,
Nanny —home of 1000 things to do, as our
pamphlet says.
»vely—two color T.V.'s, a sofa, private bath bar ... it looks just like the picture in the
pamphlet. The guests must love it.
Well, what wrould you like to see first?
How about showing me
one of the rooms?
Oh they do—and they're constantly trying to get it
Isn't this a typical guest's room?
Are you crazy! This is my room
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uoanMBJfiOA ua.\up-jnajjnBip b BotAVtj si CI3MDVHD
Where’s the And what
about the Just take your private
shower, fill up any large container
and wala!
Nanny, all we said when we used my room in the booklet was, "ONE of the
many rooms at Sleepy Acres." Can I help it if
mine is the only one like
private shower yo
mention?
THIS is a typical
guest’s room.
Right
All it has is a cot —and black walls. Your
picture in the brochure is deceiving.
SHEETS CHANGED /MONTHLY —
/MATRESS COVERS NEVER •
~Y/lf Huutigaiud
MAGNIFICENT VIEW OF A BRICK WAIL AT NO EXTRA COST
no inside Pivabing- WE told you That voi*'p 'ROUGH* *T
TlfflNG
How is this
a big game But I don’t
see any ping-pong
tables or pinball
machines.
Your rooms go for S100 a day. Are there any other fees'
room Absolutely none. Swimming, tennis, horseback riding
— they’re all free. What do you
think is hanging on
all the walls! standing
in it. But what's that $25
fee posted there? Oh, that’s what we charge a guest after we change a lock on his room. J
It’s for his own privacy and protection.
r— ■■■ ■ nawmi ; L
Oh. every time a person leaves his room. We make a fortune.
How often do you install a
Out here is our corral where each guest can do all the
free riding he wishes on any of our nine thoroughbred horses.
I notice you run a souvenir stand—pennants, pencils, matches. What do you find people want to take back
with them the most from here?
Those wrecks are thoroughbred Well, after a week’s stay, they usually wanna take back
the money they paid. They certainly are. Why that young colt overbv there was a winner in last year's Kentucky [ia
Derby. _ __Bl
he manage'that ?
I don't know his system, but he
had his S5 bet on the right horse
Mr. Gabonza. L--1 where s the •-
big game room you advertise? 1 You’re 1
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notice at s right —in tact, it you
even enjoy tennis at night thanks to these lights.
We re not equipped to provide heat in
the winter and most of the tubs and
sinks usually freeze over.
How’s that done?
I realize that, but the poles are right in the middle of the court which makes playing rather
difficult. Just when did your designer build
these courts?
I believe it was one of his first jobs
What makes you say that?
He was eleven at the time
And here's the lake. Unfortunately, it dried
w’hile back. Over that hill is where we have our canoeing and salt
water swimming
During that heat wave we had last summer?
Isn't that dangerous having
both in the same lake?
It was during a heat wave all right only the one we had in 1952.
Not really. You see. you start out canoeing, but since all
our boats leak, you usually end up swimming.
And this is a section of our championship golf course.
, ~ 1 i-- [Which part are we looking at?) Probably the best part—it’s the -—-it--- only section not under water.
Do you
run any special events
at your resort?
Oh several
Everyday
wre have a big hide and seek
match.
Well, the entire taff usually hides
while all the
guests try to seek them out.
Then how can you call it a ‘championshipgolf course?
M Where’s the guy
IT with the volleyballs?
Your pamphlet states that your tennis courts were
created by the same man who designed Wimbledon.
-1 - - r-
I understand that in December,Sleepy Acres offers ice skating—and right in the privacy of your1 own
■MAI - room.
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And then we also hold a big Bingo game nightly where guests can win some lovely prizes, but lately
no ones been showing up._
This area, here, is our baseball field
Mr. Gabonza there's only
two bases on that diamond.
It's a public service.
Most of our guests
are out-of-shape families and we do all we can to make
things as unstrenuous
for them as possible.
Let's dispense vith the—oops
missed again-
What's the lovely prize
An additional day: at Sleepy Acres, i
I'd have to check
the register
on that
Isn't he a little too young? Nanny, when Sleepy Acres hires
- , ' ... . r~3. i . it asks only one question. have a doctor
on the grounds one
No, how cheaply the applicant _ is willing to work. No, no— I
mean a doctor in case of accidents
for first aid?
How many acres does this resort have? You see, the main house where all the rooms are is 8 miles away and for some reason, people from the
resort just never come out here, so I rent this part out to a day camp every year.
Over 1000. And we have enough facilities to keep
everyone happy for their entire stay.
yerself
an umpire . . where's yer
seein' eye
_dog?
Looking about, all I see are young children. Don't the older
guests like to use the facilities?
I think it has something to do with
the way we designed the place.
HT ' How qualified the ipplicant really is?
m, r ’ 4 1
I \J Viv
■ Q/jM/
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ow over here is our outdoor, heated, olympic-sized
pool. B-R-R-R! I thought you said this pool was heated
ized? It only seems big enough for one person to swim in at a time.
Continually
That's because it's patterned after the pool used in the 1910 Olympics
Wasn’t that the year only [Right!
one person entered all & J\ i the swimming competitions? ai / Y
)h. I know why the heating
device has' gone off.
Your pamphlet advertises home cooking and yet I haven't noticed
any dining rooms or kitchen facilities here.
That's because our home cooking
is authentic. Nanny
Rodger, your match went out
That's how you
heat the pool?-
Listen Nanny,
it isn't easy — especially when
it rains.
If you want
to eat. you gotta bring
it from home
Mr. Gabonza, this whole place
seems like one big rip-off, and yet
jitioiMJip auoqdai*} oip ui Sup«n Wij »q a*
noX asnsD®q nxwApny uojbv <>3 oojbu anoX Sudtroqo si CI3HDVH9 thanks
to human after 53 years, you haven't gone out
of business. nature
And thank you Mr. Gabonza. This is
Nanny Dickering signing off
reminding you — yot
can’t tell a book by its cover and you
sure can’t tell a resort by its
brochure. Ta-ta!
Did you ever meet a person who actually admitted to having
a lousy time oh
a vacation?
understand
Now I
understand
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4 ECOLOGICAL. ■V Disaster
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NAME.
ADDRESS .
CITY.
STATE.ZIP.
SUDDENLY.INIOTWS FINELY TICKING
APPARATUS 16 CAST AN ABRASIVE
Foreign body-MAN'^fc>
by Murray Ball
Continuing the adventures of the Great Palaeolithic Hero
STA N IT .Y
48
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Gary, if it weren't for food stamps, I don’t know how we d
manage our budget.
SHUT-UP! Get out the other bag of tomatoes!
0* 3?
mt
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t l>‘v
r/j in ;w>
Look, don't take my I word for it-check it/ ^
out. This is the real article! Absolute top
h *v.
'I, «'
VSSi
SHUT-UP! I didn't think they'd be
nylon!
-ni
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/ /,
"cA
Oh Lance, why didn't you tell me this was a dress-up
dinner party! Look at you with that baggy old suit!
Ws
50
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mm?
peopte ARen’t happy?
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DON'T TOUCH
touch