signs rejecting (spurning) terrorizing corrupting denying essential stimulation, emotional...

Psychological Abuse and Parental Alienation

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees when there is a mist

of misinformation in the way

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE?

• How many of you know what Psychological abuse is?

• How many of you know what it isn’t?• How many of you know how to prevent it?• How many of you know what to do to stop

it?

Would you recognize Psychological Abuse if you were faced with it?

• How many of you know the SIGNS of psychological abuse?

• How many of you know the SYMPTOMS of psychological abuse?

Signs

• Rejecting (spurning) • Terrorizing • Corrupting • Denying essential stimulation, emotional

responsiveness, or availability • Unreliable and inconsistent parenting • Mental health, medical, or educational neglect • Degrading/devaluing (spurning) • Isolating • Exploiting children's mental health

Parental AlienationWhat is it? The Signs

It is the main ingredient of High Conflict Divorce. It makes the children’s and the parent’s lives miserable. It can include but is not limited to any of the following:

– Impeding the relationship between the children and the other parent– False allegations of abuse– Lying about the parent, to the children and anyone else who will listen – Brainwashing and programming the children to hate the other parent– Hostile Aggressive Parenting, which leads to Parental Alienation– Parental Alienation leads to the Syndrome in the children. – It is a form of psychological abuse, which destroys the children’s lives

and everyone it touches. Learn how to protect the children and yourself while learning healthy ways to get on with life after a divorce. Divorce does not have to be a dirty word.

Recognizing PASThe Symptoms

The following is a list of behaviors exhibited by children of PAS according to Richard Gardner. See link below. www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html)• A campaign of denigration• Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for

the deprecation.• Lack of Ambivalence• The “independent thinker” phenomenon• Reflexive support of the AP in the parental

conflict• Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or

exploitation of the Alienated Parent• The presence of borrowed scenarios, parroting• Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or

extended family of the Alienated Parent.

http://www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html

PSYCHOLOGICALLY WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH?

THE AGGRESSIVE ALIENATING PARENT:These people have extremely low self-esteem. They are filled with hatred, anger and rage. Stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process they cannot move forward in a positive way. Add to this that they were raised to believe they had to be perfect, because if they were not perfect, then they are not loveable. And if they are not loveable, then they will be abandoned. And if they are abandoned they are along and this terrifies them. They need to be in total control. They were raised in this environment so how would they know any differently or that this is inappropriate. And sadly, a child raised under this condition for too long will also take on this persona, unless they get lucky enough to see a family dynamic that is normal or at least less dysfunctional. In fact, these aggressive parents often are projecting the abuses that occurred in their own family of origin (FOO) through the children and onto the targeted parent. We often find out that the aggressive parent was actually abused in the manner that they claim the targeted parent is abusing them or the children. This is called Projection and is all too common.


THE TARGETED PARENT:These people started out as the passive, whatever you say, go with the flow parent. They came from a family situation where one parent was the controller and the other was passive. The problem is that once these parents stand up for themselves and take back the control, this is when all hell breaks loose with the aggressive parent. The targeted parent is very suspectible to PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the abuse that the aggressive parent is now doling out. They want to fight for their kids but also fear that fighting for them will cause them more harm as the aggressive parent pours on the alienation. This parent wants to do the right thing but often the right thing is almost impossible when they are constantly being put down and denigrated. They loose their self-esteem and positive belief in their own abilities as a parent from the abuse.


HOW DID THIS PARENTS EVEN MEET IF THEY ARE SO DIFFERENT?Well, believe it or not, but they were subconsciously/unconsciously attracted to each other. The aggressive parent was attracted to this Targeted parent because they were so easy to control. And the Targeted Parent was attracted to the Aggressive parent because they were used to being told what to do and how to do it. It was a “natural” fit until the Targeted parent stood up and took back the control.


THE CHILDREN:Most Children do not have the emotionally maturity to handle a high conflict divorce that puts them in the middle. At a very early age these children do not comprehend entirely what is going on because their reasoning skills are still in the concrete stage of the thinking process. Chronologically, what I often see is that aT about age 10, the child goes from concrete reasoning to abstract reasoning. What this means is that they go from understanding that a horse is horse because it has fur, four legs, runs fast and says neigh; to why, what, where, when. When the child starts asking these questions that is when the parental alienation gets poured on. They will often get stuck emotional at the age that the dysfunction/trauma/divorce problems being. In fact, most of the alienators/aggressive parents are stuck at an emotional age when the trauma or problems began in their family of origin.


THE OLDER CHILDREN:With older children, who are still being controlled, they have extremely low self-esteem. They are terrified of loosing the aggressive parents love. They will do almost anything to keep on their good side. Interestingly, those children who have a good sense of self, do NOT get affected as easily by a high conflict divorce with an aggressive parent. They have the emotional maturity and strength to say, NO and to not get drawn in.

Dealing with Non-Compliance

• Do you know how to deal with non-compliance of court orders or even recommendations?

• Do you know what happens when you do not provide a remedy for impeding or allowing custodial time with a child to be impeded with?

• What do you do when the parent refuses to comply?

3 Strikes YOU’RE OUT!

3 STRIKES YOU’RE OUT!Recommendations to Court to address Custodial Interference

(alternately Relationship Estrangement and Interference)Consequences and Applications

byJoan Teresa Kloth-Zanard, Guardian Ad Litem, RSS, ABI, LC

andCatherine MacWillie, Retired LAPD and CEO Custody

CalculationsCopyrighted ©2003-2013


High conflict separation/divorce between parents weighs heavily upon everyone, but is most tragic and difficult for the children. Children do not have the emotional or mental maturity to deal with this. In fact, the human brain does not stop growing until age 25, and therefore, even young adults are apt to not be able to handle the stressors of a high conflict separation/divorce between their parents. For this reason, it is imperative a cohesive parenting plan protecting the children from the anger and hostility of their parents be put in place.

Court is no place for parents to spew their hatred and anger at each other. That is what counseling and therapy is for. Instead, court is where the best interest of the child should be recognized and handled. When a parent continues to use the court system to attack and destroy the other parent, both can lose sight of what is really important, their child’s mental and physical wellbeing. These parents are so overwhelmed with their own anger, hatred and rage that it is up to the court to put a stop to it and only allow what is in the best interest of the child.


Though court is no game, it seems that many parents come into the system with the attitude of winner takes all and that this is a game of who can get the most. This attitude has to stop. We are supposed to be setting a positive example for this child about sharing, caring and give and take. How is this winner take all mentality of benefit or best interest to the child? But it seems that this is the only language that some parents hear, so let's give them the stakes for this game. Mess up 3 times during this program by impeding custodial time, or relationships and you are out.

Below is a program we believe can help with this problem. We welcome suggestions and ideas to enhance this project so we can provide safe environments with parents and get the parents the help they need to stay focused and on task with what is truly important, their child’s mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.


This program is to be used in combination with a therapy treatment plan, which ideally has a plan with milestones, incorporated in detail. As no one treatment plan or modality will work for all families, we recommend various modalities that can be tried, such Dr. Craig Childress’s programs, Dr. Warshak’s Family Bridges, or using a specific family systems style of counseling. The key to these modalities is the use of Structural Family Therapy and Systems Therapy, which are based upon the dynamics of a family. As family issues tend to be co-created off each family member, the importance of family therapy cannot be understated. In fact, if the parents are in counseling and can work through their fears and issues, the children will often NOT need counseling. Additionally, we strongly recommended therapeutic treatment utilize the following tools with the child as they have been proven to give understanding to the child as to what s/he is going through without blaming one parent or the other:

• Dr. Warshak’s DVD, Welcome Back Pluto• Amy Baker’s workbook, “I Don’t Want to Choose!”• Dr. Daniel Gottlieb’s Book, “Listen To Me”


This recommendation is a set of milestones based on a 12-week time frame with only 3 chances to not comply or impede the relationship between the child and the other parent. Four Progress reports will be conducted, and if necessary, each with loss of visitation consequences based on the level of interference. At the conclusion of the 12-week time frame, periodic status hearings will be held for the parents to update the court on the success or non-compliance of abiding by the court’s orders between the conclusion of the 12-week program and each status hearing. The program will be considered fully closed at the time which both parents mutually agree and the court approves that the parents have successfully completed the program.


Program explanation To ensure the best interests of the child are met and court orders are followed, the following program is accepted as part of the parenting plan. Because this family is already entrenched in the court system, it is hence forth clearly stated going forward that either parent interfering, impeding, obstructing the court order or the relationship between the child and the other parent, will suffer a reduction in “custody” (defined as parenting time with the child), incur supervised custody only or lose custody partially for a duration of time commensurate with the severity of the situation or lose custody entirely.


Only this single warning is given, no second chances. This is NOT an empty threat. Any increase in custodial time due to visitation interference will be enforced. Any action seen as a parent’s attempt to test this program will be considered a strike against the offending parent. This program and its expectations, actions and consequences will be taken seriously as this is about the best interest of the child to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

The offending parent shall be held accountable for the actions of the child while in the care of the other parent. Actions of the child for which an offending parent will be held accountable include leaving the custody of the parent without permission or knowledge, disobedience, pushing, shoving, name calling, yelling, bad language, vandalism, etc. and shall be cause for reduction in time with the child until visits occur without incident, including all types of communications.


Additionally:• During this 12-week program, all family members will participate

in regularly scheduled sessions as determined by the court ordered counselor. Counselor selection will be determined from a list of 5 possible therapists initially chosen by the targeted parent. The other parent will then choose one from the selection of 5 counselors. The counselor will dictate the frequency of each member’s sessions and any combination of sessions, which are to occur. At a minimum, the child will have individual sessions weekly. Payment for services provided shall remain as ordered previously by a Judge’s Entry unless there is an offense or contempt violation of the program, then the offending parent will be liable. See Consequences of offenses 1. for details.


Mother will have individual sessions – throughout program; additionally if determined to be an obstructing parent

Father will have individual sessions– throughout program; additionally if determined to be an obstructing parent

Child will have individual weekly sessions as needed – throughout program; additionally if obstructing behaviors are observed or reported

Child and Mother will have weekly sessions – beginning week 3 and continuing through week 12

Child and Father will have weekly sessions – beginning week 3 and continuing through week 12

Child, Mother and Father will have weekly sessions – beginning as soon as deemed appropriate and continuing through week 12 program.


If the counselor determines, at any time during the program, either parent or child or combination of parent(s) and child should have additional sessions, the counselor’s decision will be followed.

Sessions will be scheduled at the counselor’s availability. Parents may provide preferred days and times but the counselor will have final decision on dates and times of sessions. Activities outside of the scheduled sessions are to be rescheduled. Counseling sessions are to be the parents and child’s number one priority during the program.


• If the counselor requests a mental evaluation of either parent, that parent will immediately (within 5 calendar days of request by the counselor) schedule a mental evaluation with the evaluator selected by the requesting counselor. The mental evaluation is to be conducted as early as possible but not more than 30 days from counselor’s request.

• Until such time the offending parent’s behavior is modified, the child and offending parent’s time together will be limited based on the number of instances of interference.


Program reporting and consequences In order to support the child’s healthy relationship with both parents, the child will be rewarded for positive visits with the target parent by receiving unrestricted visits with the offending parent and likewise, for negative behavior by the child, the consequence (punishment) is to require the child to spend more time with the target parent and less time with the offending parent.•


Reporting intervals to the Court:1. Start of program – First three weeks of oversight, 1-21 calendar

days. At conclusion of 3-week interval, counselor or GAL will write a report to the Court to inform of progress. This report is to include input from target parent on behavior of child while visiting with the target parent. Target parent’s assessment is to provide the report writer with the child’s adaptability to the target parent.

2. 6-week interval, 21-42 calendar days – counselor or GAL will write a progress report to the Court at the conclusion of the additional interval. This report should include summary of progress of both parents and child’s counseling sessions as well as behaviors of the offending parent and child.


3. 9-week interval, 42-63 calendar days – counselor or GAL will write a progress report to the Court at the conclusion of the additional interval. This report should include summary of progress of both parents and child’s counseling sessions as well as behaviors of the offending parent and child.

4. 12-week interval, 63-84 calendar days – counselor or GAL will write a concluding progress report to the Court as this report is the end of the 12-week program. This report should include summary of progress of both parents and child’s counseling sessions as well as behaviors of the offending parent and child.


Consequences of offenses:If there is any type of contempt or offense violation during the 12-week program, the offending parent is to pay 100% of all counseling sessions in advance or counselor is granted approval to garnish parent’s wages in advance to ensure proper and timely payment for counseling sessions. Counseling sessions are to be conducted for each parent and the child individually and in any combination determined to be necessary by the appointed counselor. Scheduling of the counseling sessions are at the counselor’s sole discretion and availability. Parents are to fully prioritize sessions over any other event or activity. The counselor may be provided each parent’s preferred days and times; however the counselor’s availability and discretion determines session dates and times.


1. First contempt or offense - 5 days consecutive with the targeted parent, with restricted visitation and communication with offending parent.

2. Second contempt or offense - 15 days consecutive with the targeted parent, with restricted visitation and communication with offending parent.

3. Third contempt or offense - 45 days consecutive with the targeted parent, with restricted visitation and communication with offending parent.


4. If the 12-week report shows little or no change in behavior,a. Target parent is to be awarded all fees and associated costs for

bringing motions and filings to the court’s attention (including but not limited to filing fees, attorney fees, court appointed official fees – parenting coordinator, GAL, counselor).

b. Target parent awarded temporary full-custody while the offending parent continues in the counseling program as determined by the mental health evaluator and therapist/counselor, and until such time that a panel of 3 professionals determines that the parent has done the work in counseling and modified their behavior, and then supervised or unsupervised visitation will be determined.

Penalities to Include in Court Orders

• When it comes to delving out instructions, orders or recommendations, if there are not penalties or consequences for violating the rules, then the parent sees this as a win because they know they can get away with it and not get in trouble. In other words, it is like a slap on the wrist with words and no actions. If a child got caught bullying and let go with no remedy, what is going to keep them from not doing it again?

Penalties continued

• This is why penalties that will cause the offending person to comply are so necessary. Without them, the parent and child know they can do what they like and not be held accountable. But what is worse, is the child is taught to disrespect authority, thus possibly turning them into little narcissists or people with anti-social behavioral problems.

• So how do we solve for it?

Penalties continuedFrom Chapter 18 of my book:

PENALTIES TO INCLUDE IN THE COURT ORDERS TO HELP PREVENT PAS/HAPTo Follow is a list of penalties that can be utilized on combination with the 3 Strikes YOU’RE OUT! Parenting Plan Addendum. These were taken from the experiences and comments of Victims and should be considered when creating court orders during a divorce and custody hearing. Each case is different so prioritizing which penalty is less or more valuable to utilize will be up to you and those assisting you.

Penalties to Include Continued

1. A warning is issued that they will risk forfeit of custody of the children and the children will be turned over to the non-alienating parent for residential and possibly sole custody.


2. If a parent continues their attempts to impede the relationship, i.e. badmouthing, denigrating, instigating or running away, they can, and will be, ordered to perform community service appropriate to the situation. If the parent continues to impede, the parent may be denied one–on-one contact with the children and all visitation will be supervised and tape recorded. This information will be presented to the judge who will decide whether improvements, if any, have been attained in the behavior of the Alienator and the Alienator’s family. All phone contact will be strictly monitored and not permitted outside of the monitoring system.


3. Mandatory counseling shall be established with a professional counselor well versed in PAS and HAP, for all family members. The counselor will report all findings, advancements or refusal to correct behavior to the courts, attorneys, other counselors, agencies and GALs on a bi-weekly basis.


4. During all visits or stays with the Targeted Parent, if telephone contact becomes an issue with excessive calls to the children or the children start to behave irrationally after the calls, all phone contact with the Alienating Parent will be reduced to once a day but could be limited to one phone contact every 2 days. All phone contact henceforth, will need to be on speakerphone and recorded to ensure that the Alienator is not continuing his disruptive tactics.


5. If the parent, who is receiving child support payments, is the one impeding with visitation, the child support payments will cease after the first report of obstruction. This money will be paid into an escrow account in the children’s names and will not be released until the perpetrating custodial parent, who is destroying the relationship, shows a clear reversal of their Hostile Aggressive Parenting tactics. In addition, the children’s behavior must revert to a healthy relationship with the other parent. If the Alienating Parent’s impeding behavior does not cease, the money will continue to accrue interest and be available to the children when they turn 18.


6. If violence and “out of control” behavior are being exhibited by the children toward the non-custodial parent (or the parent who feels they are being pushed out of the children’s lives), the following process should be enacted:

a. Full primary custody is given to the Targeted Parent and the Alienator’s visitation is limited to supervised visitation for one to two hours per week . This will be recorded and reported to the courts, counselors, attorneys and other agencies involved.

b. During the next 4-6 months/or at the end of the school year, the children will attend a twice a week anger/behavioral management class, which the Aggressor/Alienator must pay for.

c. If, during the school year, the children’s behavior is deemed as a danger to themselves or others, the children will be removed and placed into a Behavioral Health Center at the Alienating/Offending parent’s expense.

d. If the behavior does NOT improve or becomes worse, all communication with the Alienating Parent will be terminated in order to get the children back into a healthy mental state.


7. If a parent files allegations of abuse, the burden of proof will be on that parent to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that such abuse exists. If the charges turn out to be false, the filing parent shall be charged with fraud, slander, defamation and filing of false information for the purposes of harming another innocent person. Punishment will be according to criminal law and said parent will be brought up on these charges in a separate criminal court.


8. If custody is removed from either parent due to alienating tactics, all communication, including supervised visitation, will be removed. No outside phone contact via any other route will be permitted until such time that the offending parent can prove that they will not interfere and psychologically abuse the children or other parent. If either of these situations is violated (That is, the alienator is found communicating with the children in any way), serious financial penalties will be charged and possible jail time issued.

Penalties to Include

These penalties are designed as a safety net for the parent and make it easier for a judge to not ignore the penalties because they are written into the court orders and consequently, give the judge a means of preventing PAS and HAP.

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