SHE KILLS MONSTERSbyQui Nguyen 8.29.13Represented by:Amy Wagner & Leah HamosABRAMS ARTISTS AGENCY275 Seventh Avenue, 26th FloorNew York, NY 10001646.486.4600amy.wagner@abramsartny.comleah.hamos@abramsartny.comCHARACTERS (6F/4M):1. AGNES2. TILLY3. CHUCK4. MILES5. KALIOPE/KELLY6. LILITH/LILLY7. VERA, EVIL GABBI, THE BEHOLDER8. NARRATOR, EVIL TINA, FARRAH THE FAERIE9. STEVE10. ORCUS/RONNIE*Note: All actors play monsters when needed.TIME:1995SETTING:Athens, OH and the imaginary land of New LandiaSHE KILLS MONSTERS by Qui NguyenLights come up on a hooded female NARRATOR who speaks a lot like Cate Blanchett in the Lord of the Ring movies. Orchestrated music plays in the background as she weaves her tale.NARRATORIn a time before Facebook, Worlds of Warcraft, and Massive Multiplayer Online RPGs, there once existed simply a game.Forged by the hands of nerds, crafted in the minds of geeks, and so advanced in its advanciness it would take a whole second edition to contain all its mighty geekery.And here in the land of Ohio during the year of 1995, one of the rarest types of geeks walked the earth.A Dungeon Master without fear, prejudice, or a penis.This nerd was a girl-nerd, the most uncommon form of nerd in the world and her name was Tilly Evans.Lights come up on TILLY EVANS, a teenage girl decked out in full leathery D&D fantasy armor with a cool-ass sword in hand.She is surrounded by a horde of Kobalds (goblin-like creatures).Suddenly they attack!TILLY quickly slays each of the monsters with grace and efficiency.She stands poised over their dead bodies as the NARRATOR continues...NARRATORBut this story isnt about her...This story is about her sister Agnes, the girl who never left home...SCENE ONEThe following sequence is presented elegantly in shadow-play with music.NARRATORAgnes Evans grew up average.She was of average height, average weight, and average build.She had average parents and grew up in the average town of Athens, Ohio with her little sister Tilly.Tilly however was anything but average.TILLYWhat are you doing?AGNESTalking on the phone.What are you doing?TILLYTrying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity.AGNESOh, okay...WHAT!?!NARRATORThough they shared the same parentage, the two girls had very little in common.Agnes being of average disposition was into more typical things such as boys, music, and popular television programs while her sister Tilly became fascinated with the dark arts - magic, dragons, and the vanquishing of pure evil.AGNES goes to put a CD into a stereo.TILLYWhat are you listening to?AGNESAce of Base.TILLYEVIL!Tilly smashes the stereo with her sword and runs away.NARRATORAs Agnes grew and grew, she became more and more engrossed with transcending her seemingly permanent state of averageness and made one grand wish on the night of her college graduation that she would forever regret.SHE KILLS MONSTERS2.by Qui Nguyen AGNESI wish my life was less boring.NARRATORAnd so the Gods answered her wish by smiting down every single one of her loved ones in a single car crash.But this isnt the story of those tragedies.It is a story about how Agnes, the girl who never left home, finally found a way out...Projection: SHE KILLS MONSTERSSHE KILLS MONSTERS3.by Qui Nguyen SCENE TWOLights come up on CHUCK, a nerdy teen dressed like a Grunge Rocker roadie.Hes wearing large headphones, a flannel shirt tied around his waist, and jamming out to Becks LOSER as hes working the counter of a RPG gaming storeCHUCK(Singing to himself)Soy un perdedorI'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? AGNES enters and pokes his shoulder which startles him!CHUCKWHOA, WHAT IN THE HADES!AGNESSorry, I didnt mean to scare you -CHUCKI wasnt scared.Im a black belt...in Jedi...jitsu -AGNESHi, Im looking for a high school kid named Chuck Biggs?CHUCKYoure looking at him!But my hommies just call me simply DM Biggs cause, you know, Im big where it counts.AGNESUh...CHUCKAs in MY BRAIN! AGNES(Relieved)Oh!!!CHUCKNot because Im fat.Seriously, it really has nothing to do with body mass index, I actually work out...or plan on working out -AGNESI get it.CHUCKSo what can I do for you?SHE KILLS MONSTERS4.by Qui Nguyen AGNESRumor has it you know a thing or two about D&D.CHUCKWell, that depends, are we talking 1st or 2nd Edition?AGNESUh...CHUCKPSYCHE! It doesnt matter which edition cause my D&D IQ is the bomb!AGNESCool.CHUCKSo what do you need, Miss Pretty Eyes?AGNESWell, I have this thing. Im not quite sure what it is.CHUCKWell, lemme checkity check it out!AGNES hands CHUCK the notebook.AGNESYou know, youre not exactly what I was expecting.CHUCKWhat?Were you expecting some nerd?Cause Im no nerd.Im a straight up lady-killah.Yeah, thats right, I got a girlfriend. From New York.AGNESHowd you meet someone from New York?CHUCK(Proudly)On a little thing I like to call...THE INTERNET!Youve been on the internet, right?AGNESYeah, we have it at work.CHUCKIts the bomb, right?I got it hooked up at my house.Top of the line. Im talking 56 kilobits per second! If you ever want to come over and check it out...SHE KILLS MONSTERS5.by Qui Nguyen AGNESNo, Im cool.So about the notebook...CHUCKWell, its clearly a homespun module.AGNESClearly. Whats that?CHUCKIts like a map for a D&D game.An adventure.And this one looks like its written for one to two players at entry level skills and power designations with - Yo, hold up.Whered you get this?AGNESWhy?CHUCKIt says it written by Tillius the Paladin.AGNESWho?CHUCKTilly Evans.AGNESYou knew her?CHUCKOf course I knew her.Every player here in Athens has been on a campaign with her.Howd you get ahold of this?AGNESWell...shes, um, my sister.CHUCKOh man, Im sorry - I didnt realize -AGNESSo can you help me figure out what it all means?CHUCKSure, but -Look, I should tell you something up front now that I know who you are.AGNESOkay?SHE KILLS MONSTERS6.by Qui Nguyen CHUCKPlease dont take this the wrong way, but...nothing can happen between us, okay?I know you were vibing me and all when we first met, but now that I know who you are, I dont think it would be appropriate.AGNESUh...alright?CHUCKSo if youre cool that...I can help you.So what do you want to do with this module exactly?AGNESWell, Chuck, its a game, right?I want to play it.SHE KILLS MONSTERS7.by Qui Nguyen SCENE THREELights come up MILES standing in TILLYs bedroomMILESSo this is all thats left to pack?AGNESYep.MILESIts a lot.AGNESYep.MILESSo is this exactly how -AGNESYep.Exactly the way she left it -MILESYour sister was a slob.AGNESShe was fifteen.MILESShe was a fifteen year old slob.AGNESWhere do I even begin with all this?MILES picks up a He-Man action figure.MILESMan, your sister was really into some geeky things.AGNESYep.MILESYou sure you dont want any help?Cause you know Im strong, right?Like bull.AGNESYoure also clumsy.Like ass.SHE KILLS MONSTERS8.by Qui Nguyen MILESIm not clumsy.AGNESShould I remind you of my former coffee table?MILESIt was faulty design.AGNESThanks for the help, babe, but you should go.I should pack this myself.Im her sister, its part of the job.MILESYou sure?AGNESPositive.MILESAlright then, Ill just go ahead start moving some of your boxes over to OUR new place.AGNESThat sounds like a good plan...just dont drop anything.MILESI love you.AGNESI love you too.MILES give her a kiss.AGNESNow go.AGNES gives him a smile and rushes him out the door.She suddenly drops the loving girlfriend act.AGNESSorry about that.Are you still here?Chuck?Suddenly, with awesome lights, sound, and smoke FX, a hooded CHUCK rises from behind a kitchen table where hes been inexplicably hiding the whole time.CHUCK(Speaking all-wizard-y on a lower octave)SHE KILLS MONSTERS9.by Qui Nguyen Greetings, Adventurer!I am Chuck Biggs also know as DM Biggs and I will be your Dungeon Master!AGNESYoull be my what?CHUCKSIT!AGNESOkay.CHUCKBefore you is a game.A game like no other.One written to test your mind, your cunning, and your badassness.Theres also chips and soda for your snacking enjoyment. But layoff the Twizzlers, those are mine.AGNESOkay.CHUCKAre.You.Ready?AGNESUm, I guess?CHUCKThen imagine if you will this setting.Suddenly, a spotlight falls on Agnes as everything goes dark around her.CHUCK (CONTD)You are standing on the sands of a mystical beachside.To one side of you is the endless ocean, on the other is an ominous dark forest.And from the distance, a hooded stranger approaches.A spotlight falls on a hooded figure.AGNESOkay.Am I supposed to do something here?Like fight it?CHUCKNot yet. AGNESBut you said a hooded stranger approaches.If a hooded stranger approached me in real life, I would mace him.CHUCKYou dont have mace here.SHE KILLS MONSTERS10.by Qui Nguyen AGNESSo what do I do?CHUCKJust chill.Im still giving you your given circumstance.AGNESSorry.CHUCKSo youre on a beachside with a dark forest to your right and the endless sea to your left...and then -The hooded figure turns to Agnes and walks towards her.Agnes awkwardly raises her fists in a fighting position to ready herself.The stranger pulls back her hood and reveals herself to be -TILLYWelcome to New Landia, I am -AGNESTilly?TILLYTillius actually.The Paladin.AGNESYoure in this game?TILLYOf course I am.I made it up, didnt I?Overwhelmed by seeing her sister, Agnes immediately goes to hug her.AGNESTilly -Tilly stops her though.TILLY (CONTD)(Coldly)This is a D&D adventure, not therapy.Agnes backs off.AGNESSorry.SHE KILLS MONSTERS11.by Qui Nguyen TILLYSo are you sure you want to do this?AGNESI do.But I dont know exactly what Im doing -TILLYOf course you dont.Youre a noob.AGNESBut I do WANT to do this, Tilly.I know this all this meant a lot to you so I just want to -Tilly does not react to this at all.AGNES (CONTD)Right.This isnt therapy.Tilly looks Agnes up and down to see if she indeed is serious about playing D&D.TILLYOkay, big sis.If you really want to play, then lets play.But first youre going to have to meet the rest of our party.AGNESWhat party?TILLYEvery adventurer has a party.This ones ours.Cue the intro music.Go.Badass MATRIX-y style music begins playing.Suddenly, a leather-clad warrior LILITH appears in a spotlight.Think Underworlds Kate Beckinsale but with more skin showing.Besides being crazy hot, she sports red eyes, vampire fangs, and wields a very large demonic-y battle axe.TILLYFirst up is Lilith Morningstar.Class:Demon Queen.AGNESWhat in the hell is she wearing?SHE KILLS MONSTERS12.by Qui Nguyen TILLYShe acts as our squads muscle.Whenever youre surrounded by an armada of Ogres, shes the one you want holding the battle axe.She is a perfect combination of both beauty and brawn.LILITHViolence makes me hot.Another spotlight falls on a very pale-skinned and white-haired elf.Shes tall, lean, and armed with an elaborately decorated wooden staff.She looks like a super model.TILLYNext up is Kaliope DarkwalkerClass:Dark Elf AGNESIs that what she really looks like?Seriously, does no one here like wearing all their clothes?TILLYAlong with her natural Elvin agility, athleticism, and ass-kicking abilities, shes also a master tracker, lock-picker, and has more than a few magical surprises up her non-existent sleeves.No pointy-eared creature has ever rocked so much lady hotness. KALIOPEIm in the mood for some danger.KALIOPE joins LILITH and they begin posing all sexy.TILLYAnd then theres -AGNESPause!CHUCK!The reality suddenly shifts back to the kitchen table.CHUCKYeah, whats up?AGNESWhat is this?CHUCKThis is your party.SHE KILLS MONSTERS13.by Qui Nguyen AGNESMy party is a leather-clad dominatrix and an Elvin super-model?CHUCKDude, dont look at me, this is what your sister wrote.AGNESViolence makes me hot.CHUCKOkay, so theres definitely a certain amount of improv involved, but I swear this is the gist of what Tilly created.AGNESThis?CHUCKYes.This.AGNESMy sister wrote this?CHUCKLook, do you want to play the game or not?AGNESSure, whatever.CHUCK throws his hood back on.CHUCKAnd then -TILLYTheres me.Im the brains of this operation.Name: Tilly Evans aka Tillius the Paladin, healer of the wounded and the protector of lights.Class:Awesome!TILLY steps up beside KALIOPE, and LILITH and do badass poses with their weapons as if theyre at a photo shoot.CHUCKWelcome to the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens.Your mission is find and free the Lost Soul before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness forever.All the girls high-five each other.AGNESSeriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?SHE KILLS MONSTERS14.by Qui Nguyen Suddenly, three monsters rush in growling and snarling.In a fast and impressive series of moves, TILLY, KALIOPE, and LILITH slay them.AGNESOkay, nevermind.KALIOPECurious.What form of creature is this?LILITHCan I eat it?TILLYLilith, you said you were quitting.LILITHI said Id cut down.Ive only had two this week.AGNESCut down doing what?KALIOPEEating the flesh of bad guys.AGNESEw.KALIOPEWhy are you dressed so strangely?AGNESIm dressed strangely?You do know you look like a Thundercat, right?TILLYElf!KALIOPEYes, Noble Paladin Tillius -TILLYAny word on Orcuss location?AGNESWhats an Orcus?LILITHIs this your special skill?Asking questions?Yes, that will come in handy.SHE KILLS MONSTERS15.by Qui Nguyen AGNESWhats your special skill?Being a -TILLYGuys, stop it.Orcus is a demon overlord of the underworld.If theres a lost soul, hell either have it or at least know where it is.So, Kaliope, location?KALIOPEThe entrance to the cave of Orcus is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair unless they risk being entrapped there forever.AGNES(To LILITH)Seriously, there has to be more to this outfit, right?LILITHYou look like you would be delicious with a side of baby.AGNESOkay!So were going into a cave, lets go!TILLYActually, Agnes, before we can go any further.Were going to have to equip you and build you a character.I mean you cant just walk around looking like that.AGNESIm not wearing what shes wearing.TILLYYoure going to at least need a shield.AGNESA shield I can do.TILLYSo what will be your alignment?AGNESMy what?LILITH Are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, evil?AGNESIm a Democrat.KALIOPEAnd what will be your weapon?SHE KILLS MONSTERS16.by Qui Nguyen AGNESI guess a sword.A regular sword.Like yours.TILLYThis is not a regular sword.KALIOPEYou have to earn a weapon like the one Tillius wields.LILITHThe Eastern Blade of the Dreamwalker.KALIOPEForged from the fiery nightmares of Gods.LILITHBlessed by the demons of Pena.KALIOPEAnd bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New Landia.AGNESSo I cant have a sword like that one?TILLY, LILITH,KALIOPE, & CHUCKNO!AGNESFine, Ill just take a regular sword.TILLYAnd what will be your name?AGNESAgnes.TILLYNo, what will be your character name?AGNESAgnes.TILLYStop being an ass-hat, Agnes.AGNESNo, I want to just use my name.Agnes.LILITHFine, then it is decided, you are Agnes the Ass-hatted.SHE KILLS MONSTERS17.by Qui Nguyen AGNESThats not what I said.KALIOPEAgnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party.SHE KILLS MONSTERS18.by Qui Nguyen SCENE FOURCut to...NARRATOR (V.O.)And so it was that Agnes the Ass-hatted and Tillius the Paladin ventured forth into the dark dwellings of the truly evil and quite large in stature, ORCUS THE OVERLORD OF THE UNDERWORLD in search for the lost soul of Athens.But what they found deep in that cave was not what they were prepared for in the least bit...Inside a dark cave lit with only torches, ORCUS, an oversized red demon with large black devil horns sits reclined on a throne of skull and bones.He has a pot-belly and is busy watching Friends on his demonic television set.Tilly and Agnes quietly sneak in.Tilly looks at Agnes and gives her a nod.The two girls jump out from hiding with weapons drawn.TILLYIt is I, the great Paladin Tillius, healer of the wounded, defender of lights, and I have come here to -Orcus puts up a finger to shush her.ORCUSShhhhhhh!Tilly is confused.AGNESUm, were here to fight you.ORCUSYeah, thats not gonna happen.TILLYBut weve come here to battle.ORCUSI know what you came here to do and Im telling you, Im busy.AGNESThis is the Overlord of the Underworld?SHE KILLS MONSTERS19.by Qui Nguyen ORCUSFORMER Overlord of the Underworld!I quit.TILLYYou quit?You cant quit.ORCUSWhatchoo talking about I cant quit.You know how annoying it is to always get attacked by goddamn adventurers all day and night?An adventurer named STEVE barges in.STEVEOrcus!It is I, the great Mage Steve and Ive come here to do battle! ORCUSSee what Im saying?ADVENTURERIve come to claim the Staff of Suh!ORCUSHere ya go, little man.Its all yours.ADVENTURERReally, thats all I had to do?AWESOME!ORCUSSo what would you like?Treasure?Jewels?Some cheez-whiz? Its wicked good.TILLYI wish to free a soul.ORCUSSure.Which one?TILLYMine.AGNESWhat?TILLYYou heard me, Orcus.I want my soul back.ORCUSSure.And what soul would that -Orcus takes a good look at Tilly.SHE KILLS MONSTERS20.by Qui Nguyen ORCUS (CONTD)Oh.Crap.This is a bit awkward.AGNESWait, youre the lost soul of Athens?TILLYOrcus, can I have it back or not?ORCUSYoure Tillius the Paladin, correct?TILLYCorrect.ORCUSYeah, this is a bit embarrassing but I sorta lost your lost soul.TILLYHow is this possible?ORCUSYeah, I sorta traded it in for this badass TV/VCR combo from the, um, Tiamat.TILLYWhat?ORCUSYeah, she was really into it and my old TV completely conked out in the middle of a Twin Peaks Marathon...TILLYSo you just gave my soul to Tiamat?ORCUSWell, have you ever seen Twin Peaks?TILLYOh God.AGNESThis isnt good, is it?TILLYNo, not good at all.ORCUSAre you sure you dont want some Cheese-Whiz instead?No?My bad.SHE KILLS MONSTERS21.by Qui Nguyen SCENE FIVECut to...VERA in her office.Shes talking to a student.VERALet me ask you a question, do you want an STD? At worst, itll kill you. In the least, it will make your shit itchy. And nobody likes a girl with an itchy hoo-hah. Now get out of here and keep your pants on!Stupid ass questions!AGNES walks in and crashes in her chair.VERAWell, you look like shit.AGNESThanks.VERACrazy night with Miles?AGNESCrazy night.Not with Miles.VERAWell well well, whos the new mystery man?AGNESIts not what you think, I was with a high school kid.VERASay what?AGNESWe were up all night...Role-playing.VERAAgnes, you know Im all for experimentation and extracurricular activities, but maybe you should stick to guys your same age -AGNESJESUS, Vera, we were playing Dungeons and Dragons.VERADungeons and Dragons!?!You know what?I think it was less weird when I thought you were playing Mrs. Robinson.SHE KILLS MONSTERS22.by Qui Nguyen AGNESYoure like the worst high school guidance councilor ever.VERANo, Im not.A student entersSTEVEHello, Miss Martin, I came by to ask you about -VERANooooo!STEVEMiss Martin?VERAAre you flunking out of a class?STEVENo.VERAThen youre fine.Come back later, Im busy.STEVEOkay.The student exitsAGNESI stand corrected, you should lead workshops on pedagogy.VERAAnd how does Miles feel about Dungeons and Dragons?AGNESWhy cant you give him a chance?VERAYou two have been together how long?Five years?And all hes done is asked you to move in with him?Please, son, keep your house, show me a ring!AGNESIm not ready for that.VERAThats cause down deep you know hes no good for you.AGNESCan we please change subjects?SHE KILLS MONSTERS23.by Qui Nguyen VERASo whats up with this game?Is this some sort of dorky quarter-life crisis?AGNESI know its stupid, but...Im just curious why Tilly liked it so much.VERAAnd?AGNESAnd I honestly dont see whats the appeal.Its actually kinda mundane.All weve done so far is walk around and talk to things.I thought there were supposed to be monsters in this game.Suddenly everything goes dark accompanied with a loud sound cue.AGNES (CONTD)Vera?VERA is frozen.She doesnt respond.AGNES (CONTD)Vera!Suddenly 3 giant insectoid-like bear creatures (BUGBEAR) enter the space.SHE KILLS MONSTERS24.by Qui Nguyen SCENE SIXThe monsters rush at AGNES.She dodges out of the way as VERA disappears.CHUCK moseys into the space.AGNES runs up to him.AGNESWhat the hells happening?CHUCK Three Bugbears are after you.AGNESThree what?CHUCKThree Bugbears.AGNESWhat the heck is a bugbear?CHUCKWhat do you do?AGNESWhat do I do?I dont even know what a bugbear is?Are they small?Are they bears?CHUCK sits back at his gaming table and rolls the dice.CHUCKYou examine the bugbears.They are neither small nor bears.TILLY enters.TILLYSo this game is mundane, huh?All we do is talk and walk?You want more action?AGNESI didnt know things were suddenly going to jump out at us.CHUCKThe first bugbear strikes.It hits AGNES!AGNESOW!Wait, dont I get a turn?SHE KILLS MONSTERS25.by Qui Nguyen TILLYYou wasted your turn examining the bugbears.CHUCKWhich they appreciate.Bugbears arent used to getting such attention. The first bugbear strikes.AGNESDont roll that dice.A BUGBEAR strikes AGNES in the face again hard.AGNESOW!CHUCKYouve been damaged.AGNESNo, really?CHUCKWhat do you do?AGNESI fight back!TILLYMy character does the same.AGNESAnd?TILLY steps forward and impales her sword into one of the BUGBEAR easily killing it.CHUCKTillius easily slays one Bugbear.AGNESThats right!Now its my turn.CHUCKYou however swing -AGNES takes a swipe with her sword.The BUGBEAR dodges and smacks her in the face again.AGNESOW!!!SHE KILLS MONSTERS26.by Qui Nguyen CHUCKAnd miss.AGNESWhat?Look at those things?How do I miss that?CHUCKThe second bugbear strikes.AGNESNo, no, wait!CHUCKThey miss.AGNESOkay, let me think.CHUCKYou take a turn to think.AGNESNo, I dont -CHUCKThe third bugbear strikes.AGNESCome on.AGNES tries to avoid the attack the best she can, but gets impaled by the BUGBEARs weapon.CHUCKHuge damage!Agnes is down.TILLYYour character is dying, Agnes.What do you want to do?AGNESWhat can I do?TILLYStart playing this game correctly.AGNESHow?TILLYStop acting like a sarcastic ogre all the damn time and Ill help you. Can you do that?SHE KILLS MONSTERS27.by Qui Nguyen AGNES...TILLYAgnes?AGNESYes.Yes, I can do that.TILLYYou promise?AGNESYes, I promise.TILLY closes her eyes and hovers her hands over AGNES.AGNESWhat are you doing?Lights & Sound indicate something awesome is happening.CHUCKTillius uses a revive spell to restore Agness hit-points.CHUCKYou get back on your feet.TILLYWe stand side-by-side and raise our weapons.CHUCKAnd this is what happens next -Hard-hitting music begins to play.AGNES and TILLY attack the Bugbears.An elaborate and badass fight ensues.CHUCKYouve defeated the bugbear!Agnes levels up!Gains plus one in being less of a dumbass!AGNESWait, is that really a stat?TILLYYep, totally is.Youre less dumb!Yay!Now wheres the rest of our team?LILITH, KALIOPE, and ORCUS enterSHE KILLS MONSTERS28.by Qui Nguyen LILITHYoure not serious, love.Were not actually going to bring Orcus along, correct?KALIOPEI must agree with Lilith, getting the worst demon in all the underworld to tote along with us does seems less-than-wise.ORCUSI totally agree.I am bad news.Look at me.Im red.I got horns.Im evil.Do you really want that kind of badness toting along with you?TILLYNo, youre coming with us.ORCUSMan, youre gonna make me miss Quantum Leap.TILLYThats inconsequential.ORCUSInconsequential?Have you seen Quantum Leap?The dude time travels...through time...by leaping INTO different bodies.Different BODIES, yo, and putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home. AGNESThat actually does sound interesting.TILLYYou lost my soul, Orcus, so now youre going to have to help me get it back.KALIOPEHe knows where your soul is?TILLYHe gave it to The Tiamat.LILITHWhat?AGNESWhats The Tiamat?KALIOPEThe Tiamat is a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of adventurers and civilizations since the dawn.AGNESSo its pretty hard to kill?SHE KILLS MONSTERS29.by Qui Nguyen KALIOPEThat would be the logical conclusion, yes.LILITHAnd you just gave her soul away!?!I should rip out your insides and dine on them right here and right now, you overgrown sad excuse for a demonic entity.ORCUSWhoa, wait just a minute.Dont I know you?LILITH(Suddenly stopped in her tracks)Um...what?No, you must be mistaking me for someone else.ORCUSNo, I know who you are.You and me, we run in the same evil crew. And I dont think your daddys gonna be too fond of you being AWOL.LILITH(Suddenly very teenagery)Look, please dont tell him, okay?Hell kill me! AGNESWow, suddenly you dont seem so tough.LILITH backhands AGNES sending her flying across the stage.ORCUSDont worry.He doesnt have any love for me either.Your secrets safe with me.TILLYTell us the location of The Tiamat, Orcus!Now!ORCUSFine.Go go Orcus Map!A comically large map suddenly appears out of nowhere.ORCUSBehold my comically large map of New Landia.This is the path you will have to take if you want to face The Tiamat. You must first travel down the river of wetness to the swamps of mushy -AGNESThe names of these locations suck.SHE KILLS MONSTERS30.by Qui Nguyen TILLYI was going to go back and give them better names later, but - you know - I sorta died before I could get to it.ORCUSThen you will climb the mountain of steepness to the castle of evil to find The Tiamat.But to be able to face The Tiamat, you will have to face and defeat all three of its guardians, the Big Bosses of New Landia.And each one of them are totally badass so - most likely - one if not all of you will die before you get there.So, yeah, you gotta do that...OR we can chill out in my cave and rock us some Thursday Night Must-See TV!Whos feeling me?No?Really, none of you guys are into ER?That Clooney Cat is slammin!TILLYLook, I cant ask for you all to come with me.The journey before us is too perilous and the prize too personal for me to expect you to risk your lives.Im just one girl and you all have so much ahead of you.Please if you do not wish to continue, you have my blessing to stay right here and be safe.LILITHTillius, you know as always you have my blade.KALIOPEAnd mine.ORCUSSeriously, Im totally fine with just chillin -TILLYYou dont get a choice.ORCUSMan!KALIOPEWhat about you, Agnes the Ass-hatted?What say you?AGNESOf course Im in.LILITHThen let us kicketh some ass.SHE KILLS MONSTERS31.by Qui Nguyen NARRATOR (V.O.)And so our team of adventurers set forth into the wild, following the path Orcus traced out for them.It was indeed treacherous and they did indeed kicketh ass...Music like LL Cool Js Mama Say Know you Out kicks in!A high-energy montage of badassery happens here where we see our party kick ass by killing a a crap-load of different monsters in an assortment of different ways from badass to comedic.It is a cavalcade of D&D beasties.They behead MIND FLAYERS, slice up LICHES, smash UMBER HULKS, crush BULLETTES, basically kill anything that would excite any geek whos ever played a fantasy game.It is gloriously violent and funny.It culminates with a badass slow motion walk (ala RESERVOIR DOGS) as the team wipes off monster blood and guts from their outfits.SHE KILLS MONSTERS32.by Qui Nguyen SCENE SEVENLights come up on a beautiful fairy, dancing and singing in the woods (Maybe to a song like TLCs Waterfalls).ORCUS approaches.ORCUSAw, look at the little forest faerie!Hello, little faerie, how are you?Orcus goes to pet the Faerie, but immediately decks him in the mouth.ORCUSOW!FARRAHLook, you overgrown sack of stupid, just cause Im pretty dont mean I wont fuck you the fuck up!Seriously, did you see a sign on the way in here that said Petting ZooORCUSNo!FARRAHThen please do not try to fucking touch me!FARRAH pushes him to the ground.ORCUSI dont think I like that faerie.FARRAHNow get out of my magically enchanted forest before I decide to go all Faerie berzerker all over your ugly asses.AGNESHey, I thought fairies were supposed to be nice.FARRAHNice?Yo, do I sound Canadian to you?Aint no one here gonna be nice all the damn time.Faeries are happy.HAP-PY. No one said nice.And Im brimming like mad with some magical happiness.And guess what makes me happiest? Kicking the crap out of any lame-ass adventurers who decide to trespass on my magically enchanted forest!AGNESLook, maybe we should just take the long way around to the mountain?SHE KILLS MONSTERS33.by Qui Nguyen FARRAHWhoa!Hold up.Youre going to the mountain?As in the Mountain of steepness?AGNESAs a matter of fact, yes.FARRAHSo yall must be brave. LILITHWe are.FARRAHAnd courageous.KALIOPEThat would be an appropriate description, yes.FARRAHSo youre going to -KALIOPEFight Tiamat.LILITHVanquish the Dragon.TILLYAnd save my soul.FARRAHMan, sorry, I didnt realize all that -AGNESSo are we cool?FARRAHYeah, if Id known all that, I woulda just killed ya right away instead of wasting my breath talking to ya.AGNESUm, say what?FARRAHIm one of the great guardians, dummies.KALIOPEBut she is but wee.FARRAHYeah, and me and my wee butt is gonna kill the crap out of you guys!SHE KILLS MONSTERS34.by Qui Nguyen AGNESSeriously, what could she possibly do?ADVENTURER STEVE enters.STEVEIt is I, the great Mage Steve, and I challenge you to -The Faerie graphically rips out his throat in one quick move.ORCUSYo, to hell with that noise.That girl is cray cray!FARRAHIf you want to get to Tiamat, youre gonna have to go through me.TILLYFine by me.CHUCK (V.O.)BOSS FIGHT NUMBER ONE:FARRAH THE FAERIE VERSUS TEAM TILLIUSThe Faerie charges at the team of adventurers.Though she is indeed small and cute, shes a total badass and begins beating the crap out of the majority of Tillys party.Orcus tries to smash her with his club, but she dodges and kicks him in his demon-balls.He curls over.Lilith and Kaliope swings at her with their weapons, but like an elusive bug she maneuvers past them using what looks like a faeries version of Capoeira.When they miss, she counter-strikes each attacker with a kick to the head. Tilly tries to leap on her back, but she gets smacks her in the face with one one of the faeries wings.Agnes charges at the Faerie, but gets tossed over its shoulder Akido-style.The heroes are in trouble.SHE KILLS MONSTERS35.by Qui Nguyen KALIOPEOur skills are no match.Lilith looks over to Tilly and grabs her by the shoulders.LILITHWe need magic. Real magic.Tilly nods.AGNESWait.What magic?Tilly begins summoning a magic spell.TILLYI call on...MAGIC MISSILE!Chuck enters the space and announces -CHUCKTILLY CASTS...MAGIC MISSILE!!!Chuck acting as the missiles puppeteer, sends a large fire ball across the stage in slo-motion.FARRAHOh shit.When the missile hits Farrah, she slow-mo falls off stage. Suddenly back in real time, an explosion of bloody faerie parts explode onto stage. AGNESHoly crap.ORCUSBoo-yah!SHE KILLS MONSTERS36.by Qui Nguyen SCENE EIGHTCHUCK is chilling in AGNESs apartment when MILES enters.MILESAgnes!Check it out, guess who just got the new Smashing Pumpkins double disk -CHUCKDude, nice!But Im not gonna lie, I much prefer the consistency of Siamese Dream over the gaudiness of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.MILESWho the hell are you?CHUCKOh, sorry, Im Chuck.Im Agness DM and you are?MILESYoure her what?CHUCKOh right, Im not supposed to talk about that.Im her friend.Her secret friend.MILESYoure my girlfriends secret friend?CHUCKYeah, and you are?MILESHer boyfriend.CHUCKOh yeah?I didnt know she was dating anyone.MILESHold up, she didnt tell you about me?CHUCKWell, thats probably my fault.I keep her pretty busy if you know what I mean.MILESDoing what?CHUCKFighting monsters, my man.Fighting.Monsters.SHE KILLS MONSTERS37.by Qui Nguyen MILESI dont even know what that means.But I do know it means Im gonna have to kick your ass.Right here.Right now.Lets go.CHUCKWhy?MILESCause shes my girlfriend!CHUCKNo, man!It aint like that.We just role-play!MILESYou what!?!CHUCKLook, I got no feelings for her, okay? This is just for fun.Im just here to help her play out this fantasy.Theres no long term commitments!MILESAlright, Im gonna break you in half, you son of a -Miles grabs Chuck and tries to put him in a headlock.However Chucks actually too big and strong so Miles cant seem to do anything to him.It ends up looking pretty silly.Agnes comes out of the front door, holding a pair of black leather gloves.AGNESHey Chuck, sorry Im late, but check out what I found!I think theyll help me stay in character...The two guys immediately separate.MILESHey.AGNESOh, hi.MILESUm...I think I should go.AGNESWhy?SHE KILLS MONSTERS38.by Qui Nguyen MILESYoure clearly...busy.AGNESOh God, you know about this now dont you?MILESYep.AGNESYou dont think Im a...dork, do you?MILESNo, thats not what Im thinking.CHUCKHey man, you can join us if you want.MILESSay what?CHUCKI mean if youre comfortable.You could watch us for a bit and once you get a hang of it, just jump right in.Ill be easy on ya.AGNESYeah, Chuck can be pretty rough.CHUCKPlease, call me Biggs.Cause Im big.Where it counts.So do you wanna play?MILESIm gonna have to...bye.MILES exits.AGNESIll call ya later?MILESWow, that dude really hates D&D.(Seeing the gloves)Oooh, nice gloves!Agnes shrugs and puts on her gloves.As she does, shes instantly transported to the D&D world.SHE KILLS MONSTERS39.by Qui Nguyen SCENE NINEAGNES enters back into the D&D world.AGNESTilly!Tilly, where are you?Check it out, I got myself some cool...As she looks around, she catches Tilly and Lilith in what looks like some sort of scuffle.The two girls are pushing and grappling with each other.It looks pretty physical.Seeing this, Agnes pulls out her blade and starts approaching.But before she reaches them, Lilith grabs Tilly by the head and starts aggressively...making out with her.AGNESWhoa, what the hell???TILLYOh, hey there, Agnes.Nice gloves.LILITHWhat are you looking at?AGNESWhat were you two doing?TILLYI was, uh...kissing my girlfriend.AGNESWhoa!Wait just a minute!You two are a couple?LILITHDoes this upset you, lunch meat?AGNESIt upsets me that you dont know how to put on all your clothes.LILITHId advise not talking to me in such a tone.AGNESAnd Id advise wearing a complete shirt next time youre MAKING OUT WITH MY SISTER!Oh, wait just a minute, I get it.You two are dating because Tillius is a guy character.SHE KILLS MONSTERS40.by Qui Nguyen TILLYTillius isnt a guy character.AGNESTillius is a guys name.TILLYNo.Tillius is a D&D name.Im female, shes female, and were lovers.AGNESSo your characters gay?LILITHAs am I.KALIOPE and ORCUS enter.KALIOPEMe too.ORCUSI loves me the cock.AGNESWait, the big slacker demon is gay? KALIOPEAs is everyone in New Landia.Well, everyone except for you, Agnes the Ass-hatted.AGNESWhy is that?KALIOPEWell, maybe its because you havent met the right girl yet.AGNESNO, thats not what I meant.I mean, why is everyone here gay?KALIOPEBecause it was the will of the creator.AGNESThe will of the creator?TILLYDoes that bother you, Agnes?AGNESTilly, whyd you make everyone gay?SHE KILLS MONSTERS41.by Qui Nguyen TILLYUm, I dont know.If I were to take an educated guess, Id venture to guess that maybe the author of this world was into wearing tanktops and The Indigo Girls.AGNESNo.TILLYYes.AGNESNoooo.TILLYYeeees.AGNESNO!Wait.I need a time-out. AGNES walks away from the group.TILLY follows.They are alone together.TILLYWow, I never took you for a homophobe.AGNESIm not a homophobe!TILLYThats not what it looks like to me.AGNESI listen to Madonna, I watch The Real World, theres no way Im Anti-Gay.TILLYThen whats with the denial?AGNESWhats with not giving your girlfriend a full costume?TILLYShes a she-devil.AGNESShes dirty.TILLYI didnt think this would upset you like it does.AGNESI thought I knew you, Tilly.At least good enough to know whether you dug boys or girls at this point in your life.SHE KILLS MONSTERS42.by Qui Nguyen TILLYYou were busy.AGNESNot too busy to know this!Tilly, this is bullshit.Im your sister.I shouldnt have to learn about you through a role-playing game.TILLYAt least youre getting to learn something about me.AGNES...TILLYWe should get back on the road.Are you coming?AGNESFine.TILLYLilith!Kaliope!Orcus!Where are they?AGNESOh, it looks like theyre over there, taking a nap.TILLYElves and demons dont sleep.AGNESThey dont?So I guess them being unconscious would be a bad thing, right?Explosive lights and sound as two cheerleaders walk onto stage in an impressive musical number.They look normal cheerleaders, except they have sharp teeth, bat wings, and blood all over their mouths.TILLYOh crap.AGNESWhat?TILLYSuccubus!AGNESSuck what bus?SHE KILLS MONSTERS43.by Qui Nguyen TILLYSuccubus.Demon girls from the demon world who like to do demonic things like sucking.AGNESAre they a boss?TILLYNo.Theyre just really mean.AGNESSo do we fight them?TILLYNo, we run.Go!They try to run away, but TILLY gets cornered.EVIL GABBINot so fast there, nerd.TILLYHey guys, whats up?EVIL TINAWere you just looking at me?TILLYNo.Not specifically.I was just looking, you know, in your general direction and then you stepped into my line of...fleeing.EVIL GABBII think shes lying.EVIL TINAI hate liars.TILLYIm not lying!AGNESHey, what do you two think youre doing?AGNES marches right up to the two bullies.EVIL TINA however grabs AGNES by the throat and just holds her there.TILLYLet her go!SHE KILLS MONSTERS44.by Qui Nguyen EVIL GABBII think the reason why she was looking at you, Evil Tina, is because she has the hots for you.TILLYThats not true.EVIL TINAAre you saying Im ugly?TILLYNo.EVIL TINAThen do you think Im pretty?TILLYUh...EVIL TINAI dont understand uh.I dont speak uh.EVIL TINA begins bearing down on AGNES AGNESOwwww!EVIL TINAI dont speak ow either.TILLYNo, I do I do!I think youre very pretty, youre so pretty!EVIL TINAOf course you think Im pretty...you dyke!EVIL GABBISorry, Evil Tina is just really sensitive about her looks.EVIL TINAShut up, Evil Gabbi!EVIL GABBIShe doesnt mean to be mean to you.I like you.I do.Do you want to join our club?TILLYWhat club is that?EVIL GABBIThe awesome Evil Club!TILLYUh...SHE KILLS MONSTERS45.by Qui Nguyen EVIL TINAAgain with the uhs!AGNESOwwww!TILLYOkay, I would love to join.EVIL GABBIOkay!Sit right here and dont turn around.EVIL TINA and EVIL GABBI start whispering and laughing with eachother as TILLY sits staring in the opposite direction.She tries to steal a peek.EVIL GABBII said not to turn around, bitch!TILLYIm sorry, Im sorry.EVIL TINA and EVIL GABBI come up with a plan.They turn and look at TILLY with an evil smile.EVIL GABBIOkay, all you have to do to get into the awesome evil club is to make out with me for one whole minute.TILLYWhat?EVIL GABBIWhat do you say?TILLYUh -AGNESOWWW!TILLYOkay.EVIL GABBIYummy.EVIL GABBI leans in.SHE KILLS MONSTERS46.by Qui Nguyen TILLY closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss EVIL GABBI.Suddenly, out-of-nowhere, EVIL TINA kicks TILLY in the face.EVIL TINAI knew you were gay!EVIL GABBIHahaha.Dyke, youre so in love with me!EVIL TINAHere, why dont you make-out with your sister?EVIL TINA throws AGNES on top of TILLYEVIL GABBIOh God, you two are so gross.AGNES and TILLY works her way back up to her feet.AGNESAnd you two going to die!Both the SUCCUBUS smile and begin laughing.Their laughter consumes AGNES and TILLY who fall to the ground laughing.Their laughter becomes painful and then becomes agony as they writhe on the ground.The SUCCUBUS walk around looking at their victims.EVIL TINAWell see you around.Lesbians.The Succubus skip away, holding hands.AGNES gets up and walks over to TILLY.AGNESAre you okay?TILLYNo.TILLY runs away.SHE KILLS MONSTERS47.by Qui Nguyen SCENE TENVERAs office.AGNESHey, Vera, youre not going to believe -AGNES is stopped when she sees LILITH from the game sitting at VERAs desk.Except this Lilith is in regular school clothes and glasses.LILITHSorry, Miss Martin just stepped out.AGNES looks around to make sure shes not in the D&D gameAGNESWhat are you doing here?LILITHWhat do you mean?AGNESWhat are you doing here?LILITHI work here.AGNESYoure real?LILITHHuh?AGNES realizes she must sound crazy.AGNESSorry, that must sound crazy.LILITHNo, not at all...So how can I help you?AGNESYou just sorta look like someone I sorta...dont know.LILITHYeah, I caught that.AGNESSo wheres Miss Martin?SHE KILLS MONSTERS48.by Qui Nguyen LILITHShes...uh...I dont know.She never tells me anything.She just handed me a bunch of papers to sort so, thusly, Im sorting.AGNESYoure a student here?LILITHWhat gave it away?AGNESI teach English III.LILITHYeah, I know who you are.A bunch of my friends have you.I got Ms. Gates tho.AGNESDelaine?Yeah, shes great.LILITHIf you dont mind the smell of Patchoulli all the time.AGNESTell me about it, she can stink out a teachers lounge faster than Coach Francone.LILITHSo youre, um...Tillys sister, huh?AGNESYou knew her?LILITHWell, sure.I mean I was at her...um...you know.AGNESOh right, her whole class came out.That was really sweet of you guys to do that.LILITHShe was...she was awesome, Miss Evans.Tilly, I mean.I loved her.AGNESYou did?LILITHYeah.AGNESI didnt catch your name.SHE KILLS MONSTERS49.by Qui Nguyen LILITHIm Lilly.AGNESWait, your names Lilly?LILITHUh, yeah.AGNESAs in Lilith?LILITHActually its short for Elizabeth -AGNESSo this was real.LILITHWhat was real?AGNESYou and Tilly...you two were real.LILITHIm not following -AGNESYou two dated!LILITHWHAT?No!AGNESNo, you can tell me.LILITHLook, Miss Evans, I didnt date Tilly!I like boys.I swear.AGNESNo, this explains so much.Of course, you were together.LILITHNo, we werent.AGNESYou dont have to hide it!LILITHIm not.AGNESTELL ME!SHE KILLS MONSTERS50.by Qui Nguyen VERA enters.VERAHey!Whats with all the excitement?AGNESThis is Tillys girlfriend!VERAWhat?LILITHNo, Im not!VERALilly, go get me a coffee.Here, take my keys and go grab me a coffee, okay?Thank you, ba-bye!Agnes, what are you doing?AGNESShe was Tillys girlfriend.VERAOkay, one, I dont think so.Two, even if she was, having a teacher basically scream out youre a lesbian in the middle of my office isnt the best way to coax her out of the closet.And, three, are those my gloves?AGNESLook, she might be the only link I have left to -VERAI know, Agnes.But, look at me, that is a 17 year old girl whos been dating a member of that Athens High football team for over a year.If shes in the closet, shes in there deep.SHE KILLS MONSTERS51.by Qui Nguyen SCENE ELEVENLights come up on TILLY.AGNES approaches.AGNESHey.TILLYHey.AGNESWhat happened back there with the evil Cheer-o-stititutes?TILLYWhat did it look like?AGNESDid that sorta stuff really happen?I mean in real life?TILLYI was a dorky fifteen-year old closeted lesbian, what do you think?AGNESSo how come you had to make a game to tell me all this?TILLYI didnt want to tell you all this if thats what youre wondering.This game was supposed to be private.AGNES...TILLY...AGNESI met Lilly, by the way.The real one.TILLYOh yeah?AGNESYeah.Shes straight, isnt she?TILLYI dont know.AGNESIt must have been hard.SHE KILLS MONSTERS52.by Qui Nguyen TILLYI guess.AGNESTilly, you can talk to me -TILLYIm not really her, / you know?CHUCKYou know?AGNESWhat?CHUCKLook, I can only extrapolate so much, but this is feeling a bit blasphemous.AGNESI was talking to my sister, do you mind?CHUCKAgnes, Im all for role-playing, but this is a bit deeper than I usually get.AGNESPlay the role, Chuck.CHUCKBut Agnes -AGNESPLAY IT!CHUCKOkay.Look, theres something in here that I think you should see -AGNESDo it in character.CHUCK & TILLYAgnes...Can you do me a favor?AGNESWhat?TILLYI wrote something for Lilly.In here.Can you give it to her?SHE KILLS MONSTERS53.by Qui Nguyen CHUCK pulls an envelope out from inside the notebook and hands it to AGNES.AGNESWhat is this?CHUCK & TILLYIts for her.SHE KILLS MONSTERS54.by Qui Nguyen SCENE TWELVEMILES enters VERAs office.MILESHey, can I talk to you for a minute?VERAWhat are you doing here?MILESI need advice.VERAAre you looking to return to high school?MILESNo.VERAAre your grades slipping?MILESNo.VERAThen I have nothing to advise you on.Im a high school guidance councilor, Miles, not your therapist.MILESYoure my bestfriend.VERAIm your girlfriends bestfriend.You, I dont like so much at all.STEVE, a student, enters timidly.STEVEHi, Miss Martin.Is this a bad time?MILESYES.VERANo.Come on in, Stephen.STEVEHi.MILESHey.SHE KILLS MONSTERS55.by Qui Nguyen VERASo what can I do for you?MILESAgnes is cheating on me with a high school kid!VERAI was talking to Stephen.Stephen, how can I help you?STEVEWell, I was thinking about dropping out of the marching band, but scared it might affect my college applications since its really my only extracurricular activity.MILESKid, that shit dont matter.VERAMiles!MILESBut you know what does matter?Your girlfriend hooking-up with a high school student!VERAMiles, have some perspective here!Can you see how this might be inappropriate conversation to be having in front of a student.STEVEI agree.VERAShut up, Stephen.STEVEAlright.MILESSo what do I do?VERABreak up with her.MILESReally?VERAYes, really.Be honest with me, Miles, it took you five years to even ask her to move in with you, its not like youre that committed to her in the first place.SHE KILLS MONSTERS56.by Qui Nguyen MILESThats not true.VERAStephen, if you were dating Miss Evans for five years, what do you think the next logical step would be?STEVEMiss Evans?Well, she is really pretty.MILESYo, what is up with high school boys digging on my girlfriend?STEVEI dont dig.I just acknowledged.VERAWhat would you do, Stephen?STEVEI...uh...I guess Id ask her to marry me?VERASee what Im saying?MILESWho asked you?STEVEMiss Martin did.MILESWell, it doesnt matter either way, because shes cheating on me.VERAMiles, shes not cheating on you.MILESI met him.She admitted it.Hes her secret friend.VERAYeah, I know.MILESYou know?VERAHes her Dungeon Master.MILESHe brings her into a dungeon?SHE KILLS MONSTERS57.by Qui Nguyen VERAJesus Christ, Miles, NO!Hes a D&D dork.Hes the guy who roles the dice and shit.STEVEActually, in a typical D20 role-playing scheme, the adventurer also roles the dice -VERAShut up, Stephen.MILESShes playing D&D?STEVEMiss Evans plays D&D?Wow.Cool.MILESDont you even think about it, kid.STEVEUm, so about my conundrum.VERAWhat conundrum?STEVEAbout the marching band.VERAOh right.Yeah, that stuff doesnt really matter.Get back to class.STEVEThank you?MILESYou really suck at your job.VERAAnd you really suck at being a boyfriend.STEVEWell, I think you both suck.SHE KILLS MONSTERS58.by Qui Nguyen SCENE THIRTEENKALIOPEWhats wrong, Agnes the Ass-hatted?By the droop of your shoulders and your downward gaze, it would indicate you are troubled somehow.AGNESWow.Observant.KALIOPEWas that sarcasm?AGNESNo.KALIOPEMy apologies, Agnes.We Elves may have heightened speed, agility, strength, and attractiveness -AGNESAnd youre also humble to boot.KALIOPEBut were lacking in emotional awareness.AGNESWhat?Are you like a robot or something?KALIOPENo, were Elves.Were above emotions.Thats a human trait.AGNESWell, color me envious right about now.KALIOPEWhat troubles you, Agnes the Ass-hatted?AGNESI joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I dont think she needs me at all.KALIOPEWell, I dont think she needs help from most people.She IS a 20th level Paladin after all.If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help.AGNESWow, Elf, youre really bad at giving advise.KALIOPEI apologize.Would you like to copulate with me now?SHE KILLS MONSTERS59.by Qui Nguyen AGNESWhat?KALIOPEI think it would make you feel better.I hear you humans like to do such things.AGNESCHUCK!Im not going to have sex with the Elf-girl!CHUCKWhat?I dont want to see you get sexy with the sexy Elf-girl?Why would I want to see that?Ew, gross, hot-girl on hot-girl action.Your sister must have wrote that out.I mean, thats so gay and Im so...straight.AGNESAre you done?AGNES turns back to KALIOPE who leans in for a kiss.AGNESWhoa, what are you doing?KALIOPE & CHUCK(Whispers)Nothing!AGNESLets get back to the group, shall we?CHUCKYou return back to your party who are all at the foot of the Mountain of Steepness.But before you can move forward, you spy something ahead of you.Its big, cube-shaped, and gelatinous!Lights come up on a Gelatinous Cube as the rest of AGNESs part step up beside her.AGNESEw, what is that?KALIOPEOh that?That, my dear human friend, is Boss Number Two.Miles the Gelatinous Cube!AGNESWhat?ADVENTURER STEVE enters.SHE KILLS MONSTERS60.by Qui Nguyen STEVEIt is I, the great Mage Steve and I...oh neat, a jello mold!The Gelatinous Cube sucks down STEVE...STEVEAhhhhh!...and spits out bones and his armor.The Cube burps.AGNESYou made my boyfriend a jello-mold in this game?TILLYWhat?No.KALIOPEYou actually did.LILITHThe Elf is correct, Love.You indeed made Agnes the Ass-Hatteds lover into a big cube of demonic gelatine.ORCUSSo, hold up, that thing isnt edible?KALIOPENo.ORCUSDammit, and I got the munchies!AGNESWhyd you make Miles a flesh-eating jello-mold?TILLYI dont know.AGNESTilly!TILLYMaybe because he sucks.AGNESI thought you liked him.TILLYYeah, I loved watching you two make-out everyday in our living room to the Cranberries CD.SHE KILLS MONSTERS61.by Qui Nguyen AGNESWe werent listening to the Cranberries.It was 10,000 Maniacs.TILLYOh, Im sorry, thats so much less lame.AGNESWhatever, hes my boyfriend!TILLYHes a fart-knocker.AGNESHe liked you.TILLYHe touched me.AGNESWhat!?!Silence.TILLYOkay, no, he didnt.But he mighta.AGNESThats not funny.TILLYThats not funny.AGNESSeriously, thats not something to joke about.TILLYSeriously, thats not something to joke about.AGNESReal mature.TILLYReal mature.AGNESStop that!TILLYStop that!SHE KILLS MONSTERS62.by Qui Nguyen LILITHThough I find you mocking your sister like a five-year old incredibly sexy, shouldnt we, you know, kill this thing before it kills us.AGNESNo!TILLYSee, and once again, youre choosing your boyfriend over me.KALIOPEYour boyfriend is a gelatinous cube?Gross.ORCUSYa know what?Id fuck it.What?It might feel good.Its slick.AGNESThis isnt fair, Tilly, and you know it.TILLYI thought you were here to save my soul.I guess you didnt mean it.Quest is over, guys!We lost.The last adventure I will ever take ended in a forfeit!AGNESStop.TILLYWhy?So I can watch you run off and move in with Slimy McSlimerface over there and forget all about me?AGNESI would never forget about you.TILLYYou did when I was alive.ORCUSOh snap, she went there!TILLYSo are we giving up or what?AGNESFine.Whatever.Its clearly not my boyfriend, right?You just named him that.Miles isnt actually green, slimy, and cube-shaped. LILITHSo are we going to kill it or not?SHE KILLS MONSTERS63.by Qui Nguyen AGNESFine.Lets fight it.TILLYReally?AGNESReally.TILLYAlright!You hear that, Miles!Were gonna kill the crap out of you!AGNESCan we not call it Miles?TILLYSure.I dont have to call it Miles.Suddenly the Gelatinous Cube transforms into the actual human MILES.AGNESWhat the hell?TILLYOh, I dont think Boss number two was actually a gelatinous cube.LILITHIts a shape-shifter.KALIOPEA doppelganger to be exact.TILLYSo go kill it, sis.Yay!TILLY pushes AGNES forward.CHUCKBOSS FIGHT NUMBER TWO: AGNES VERSUS MILES THE DOPPELGANGER!!!AGNESYoure not actually him - youre not actually him.MILESHey, baby, how ya doing?Have you finished packing the apartment just yet?AGNESUh, not yet.MILES hits her in the face.SHE KILLS MONSTERS64.by Qui Nguyen MILESWell, get to it!AGNESThis is not fair, Tilly!TILLYIts a boss, its not supposed to be fair.AGNESYoure not actually Miles.MILESDont tell me who I am!MILES hits her again.AGNESSeriously, are you guys not going to help?LILITH, KALIOPE, ORCUS, & TILLY(Ad-libbing)No, not really.You look like you got it handled.I dont want to step in between a lovers fight.Its really none of my business.AGNESYou guys suck.MILESHey, baby, why dont you say hi to my little -MILES goes to punch AGNES again, this time she catches his fist.AGNESActually, asshole, I dont care who look like, nobody hits me.AGNES hits MILES.They fight.AGNES kills MILESTILLYWow.And I was just starting to like that guy.Too bad.Lets go.SHE KILLS MONSTERS65.by Qui Nguyen SCENE FOURTEENEVIL TINA and EVIL GABBI enter.Except they arent evil this time, theyre just students.No wings or horns or bloody mouths, just regular cheerleaders.And theyre super chipper and nice.EVIL TINAHello, Miss Evans!EVIL GABBIDo you have a moment?AGNESUh.Sure.EVIL TINAWere selling Ads for this years yearbook and we wondering if youd be interested in buying an Ad?AGNESWhy would I want to do that?Im not selling anything.EVIL GABBIIt doesnt have to be a literal Ad.EVIL TINAIt could just be a Congratulations to the Class of 95!EVIL GABBIOr an encouraging message to your graduating students.EVIL TINAOr a dedication to a loved one who would be graduating this year...EVIL GABBI(Whispers)TINA!EVIL TINA(To GABBI)Shhh.(To AGNES)So what do you think?AGNESYou were in the same class as my sister, right?EVIL TINAYes.SHE KILLS MONSTERS66.by Qui Nguyen EVIL GABBIMe and Tina loved her.EVIL TINAShe was...such a good spirit.Wouldnt you agree, Gabbi?EVIL GABBITotally.She always knew how to make someone smile.EVIL TINAWe were both just devastated when we found out.I mean we didnt hang out after school alot, but -EVIL GABBIWed both consider her a very close friend.AGNESIs that right?EVIL TINANot to be too bold, but I think buying a full page AD for Tilly would be...just amazing.EVIL GABBIWe could even help you with it?AGNESOh yeah?EVIL TINAI write poetry.EVIL GABBIAnd I draw.EVIL TINAWe could put something nice in there for her.EVIL GABBIWhat do you think?AGNESCan I see your yearbook there?EVIL TINAOf course.AGNES violently throws it against the walls.The pages fly everywhere.AGNESGET THE HELL OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!!!SHE KILLS MONSTERS67.by Qui Nguyen EVIL TINAYes, mam.EVIL GABBISorry to bother you!The two girls run out.TILLY enters.TILLYThat seemed really effective.AGNESWhat am I supposed to do, Tilly?I cant beat up students. TILLYI woulda.AGNES...TILLYAgnes...AGNES...TILLYAgnes...AGNES...TILLY (CONTD)Are you still mad at me for making you kill your boyfriend?AGNESThat trick was really uncool.TILLYMiles is really uncool.AGNESI love him.TILLYThen how come youre not married to him?AGNESIm 25, I dont need to be married.SHE KILLS MONSTERS68.by Qui Nguyen TILLYYeah, but 25 in Ohio-time is like geriatric, its like super old, its like 30.Shouldnt you already have a kid?Or two?AGNESWell, it doesnt matter, cause neither one of us is ready.TILLYWhatever you say...AGNES...TILLY...AGNESAm I going crazy?TILLYAt least youre not dead.SHE KILLS MONSTERS69.by Qui Nguyen SCENE FIFTEENAGNESSo where were we?CHUCKLet me see...You and your party are climbing the mountain of steepness when suddenly you run back into ...MILES enters.MILESHey.CHUCKYour boyfriend?No, thats not right.AGNESHey.MILESAm I interrupting anything?CHUCKWell, sorta.MILESWere you guys playing...Dungeons and Dragons?AGNESYeah.MILESCool.AGNESWe werent having kinky Dungeon sex if thats what you were wondering.CHUCKWhat?That was an option?AGNESNo.MILESVera told you, huh?AGNESYep.SHE KILLS MONSTERS70.by Qui Nguyen MILESI misinterpreted.AGNESWith a high schooler?MILESWell, he is really big for his age.CHUCKIm not big.Maybe youre just small.Small guy.MILESAre you mad at me?AGNESIm not happy.MILESOkay, thats fair, but youre not mad.AGNESWell, keep asking that question and well see.MILESWell, I came by because I thought, maybe, we could go back to OUR new place and start unpacking some boxes.AGNESIm still not finished packing Tillys room.MILESNo, what Im saying is maybe we can go...back...to OUR new place and, you know, do some unpacking.I have something special planned that you might like.AGNESLike what?MILESLike...special.CHUCKI think hes implying sex.AGNESThank you, Chuck.CHUCKBut the unpacking analogy is really confusing.AGNESIm busy, Miles.SHE KILLS MONSTERS71.by Qui Nguyen MILESYoure just playing a game.AGNESIts more than that.MILESCan it not wait for just one night?AGNESNo.MILESWell, okay, how about Friday?Can we hang out on Friday?AGNESI dont know...MILESI thought you said you werent mad.AGNESIm not mad.Im just focused on this right now.MILESBaby, come on.AGNESIm not in the mood for -CHUCKHey, do you want to play?MILESWhat?AGNESHuh?CHUCKYeah, you should play.I mean if you want to hang out, lets hang.I mean you cant do any worse than Agnes here, right?She sucks.AGNESHe doesnt want to play.MILESActually, I would.I would like to play, Chuck.AGNESWhat are you doing?SHE KILLS MONSTERS72.by Qui Nguyen MILESThis is important to you and I want to be part of it.AGNESIts private though.MILESI know.But you never talk to me about Tilly or your parents or any of it.I just...if this could help me get to know you better, I wanna try.Please.AGNESYoure for real?MILESI am.AGNES thinks it over...AGNESFine.Roll him up a character sheet.CHUCK rolls dices as TILLY, KALIOPE, LILITH, and ORCUS enter.LILITHAgnes, behind you!KALIOPEBoss Number Two!AGNESIts okay!ORCUSDude, if that thing is that hard to kill, I give up now.AGNESNO!This is not Boss Number Two. This is Miles, the real Miles, my boyfriend.TILLYWhats he doing here?AGNESHe wanted to come.TILLYWe already have five people in our party.AGNESHe wants to get to know you.SHE KILLS MONSTERS73.by Qui Nguyen TILLYIts not really the same thing, now is it?ORCUSBout time we got some more testosterone into this estrogen party.Whats up?Im Orcus, resident horny dude.MILESSo this is Dungeons and Dragons, huh?Neat.TILLYYoure not serious.AGNESLook, you may not like him, but at least I know he has my back.TILLYWe have your back.AGNESRight, just like last time when you made me KILL MY BOYFRIEND?MILESYou killed me?AGNESNo, I just killed a big fat blob that looked like you.MILESI look like a big fat blob?TILLYIf you got in trouble, we would have stepped in.KALIOPEAssuredly.LILITHI wouldnt have.ORCUSNo way.TILLYGuys, youre not helping.AGNESSo whats the next thing we have to fight?KALIOPEThe next boss is a Beholder.SHE KILLS MONSTERS74.by Qui Nguyen AGNESAw, that sounds cute.Like Beauty is in the eye of...TILLY, KALIOPE, ORCUS, and LILITH look at each other.TILLY, KALIOPE, ORCUS, LILITH(Ad-libbing)No.Nope.Not the same thing.That thing is ugly.Like it will kill the crap out of you.So scary.Just one big scary eyeball with teeth.MILESTrust me, babe.Whatever it is, were going to be fine.Im here now. Explosion.The SUCCUBUS are back.TILLY, KALIOPE, ORCUS, LILITH, and AGNES all fall into defensive stances as MILES just stands there.EVIL GABBIOh my God, Evil Tina, look!An impenetrable wall of losers.EVIL TINAHow will we ever get passed them?AGNESMiles, get back!MILESWhy?TILLYGet back behind us, dummy!MILESGuys, theyre just two cute little girls.What are they going to do?EVIL TINA and EVIL GABBI let out a little cute schoolgirl laugh.EVIL TINA & EVIL GABBIHeeheehee!...and EVIL TINA rips out his heart and licks it.MILES falls to the ground dead.SHE KILLS MONSTERS75.by Qui Nguyen EVIL TINAYummy, I was looking for a snack.TILLYWell, he didnt last long.AGNESTilly, shoot them with a magic missile.TILLYI cant.AGNESWhat do you mean you cant?TILLYI forgot the spell.AGNESWhat do you mean you forgot the spell?TILLYIts a thing.Its not going to help us.EVIL GABBIHow hungry are you, Evil Tina?EVIL TINAStarving.EVIL GABBIWhat would you like first?Light or dark meant?EVIL TINAI like...the school teacher.LILITHI suggest we stop these succubus the old fashion way.AGNESAnd that would be?LILITHWith violence, love.Lots and lots of violence.EVIL ANGELOh no, what will we fight them with?EVIL TINAWere so unarmed.ADVENTURER STEVE entersSHE KILLS MONSTERS76.by Qui Nguyen STEVEIt is I, the great Mage Steve, returned to do battle with...oh, hello ladies.The Succubus rip off his arms.EVIL TINAI guess that answers that.TILLYs party attacks.A huge fight ensues.The Succubus fight with STEVEs severed limbs until they can disarm and get real weapons from TILLYs group. TILLY gets cornered by the succubus.EVIL TINAAwww, look at the little nerd girl.EVIL GABBIAre you going to pee your pants.TILLYNo.EVIL TINASay good-bye, lezzie.LILITHNo!LILITH runs to help TILLY but is killed by one of the Succubus.TILLYLILITH!!!EVIL TINAAwww, did your girlfriend just die?EVIL GABBIAw, thats so sad.Arent they just so sad?They both laugh mockingly at TILLY and the dead LILITH.AGNES, KALIOPE, and ORCUS get back on their feet.ORCUSI dont see whats so funny.SHE KILLS MONSTERS77.by Qui Nguyen AGNESYoull just be joining her in two seconds.KALIOPEPrepare to be ushered to your death.EVIL TINAYou cant hope to beat us.EVIL GABBIWere way too powerful for you.ORCUSWho said we were going to do it with our fists?The smirks on the Succubis faces suddenly disappear.EVIL TINAWhat do you mean?Agnes tosses away her sword and shield.AGNESEnough with all this dorky swordfighting stuff -She begins applying on some lipstick.AGNES (CONTD)You really think youre badasses?Then lets finish this...She sticks out her hands as Kaliope and Orcus puts pom-poms into them.AGNES (CONTD)Cheerleader style.We challenge you...to a dance battle.Lightning and thunder!!!!CHUCKBONUS ROUND:AGNES, THE ELF, AND ORCUS VERSUS THE EVIL SUCCUBUS CHEERLEADERS!!!Music like C&C Music Factorys Gonna Make you Sweat fills the house as the two crews go at it in a full-on cheerleaderesque dance battle.AGNESs crew starts it out.They look good...comedic and funny, but still good.SHE KILLS MONSTERS78.by Qui Nguyen The two Succubus look at each other unimpressed by AGNESs skills.They smile, step in and start doing an elaborate Cheerleading/hip-hop fusion routine that completely kills it. Thinking theyve won, they raise their arms in victory.When they do though, AGNES, ORCUS, and KALIOPE pick up their weapons and drive it through them while theyre not looking!EVIL TINANo fair!EVIL GABBIYou cheated.Agnes smiles coyly.AGNESWhat?You really thought we were gonna dance battle you to death.Wow, I guess my sisters right.Cheerleaders are dumb.Agnes kills them both.Agnes turns back to Tilly and Lilith.Seeing Tilly cry over Lilith is too much for Agnes.AGNESCan we resurrect her?KALIOPENo.Tillius used that spell to save you.AGNESBut youre magical, do something.KALIOPEI dont have that kind of magic.AGNESOrcus?ORCUSI only keep souls.I dont put them back.AGNESCHUCK!Cut to...SHE KILLS MONSTERS79.by Qui Nguyen CHUCKWhat?AGNESBring her back.CHUCKI cant.AGNESYou killed her girlfriend, now bring her back.CHUCKI didnt kill her.She jumped in the way.I rolled the dice, it says she died.AGNESScrew the dice, just save her!CHUCKI cant.Not for this adventure.Theres rules.AGNESWhat rules?Youre the DM, you make the rules.CHUCKNo, I dont.TSR makes the rules.AGNESWho the hell is TSR?CHUCKTheyre the ones who made the game.AGNESI dont care what you have to do, Chuck.Just bring her back. Now.MILES(Sits up from where he was lying dead)Hey, baby.Um, maybe you should take a breather.I just died and Im fine.AGNESNo, Im not going to let my sister just suffer like this.MILESIts not actually your sister.AGNESShut up!SHE KILLS MONSTERS80.by Qui Nguyen MILESBabe.AGNESAre you going to bring her back?CHUCKIm sorry.AGNESNo!Wrong fucking answer!Agnes violently pushes all the D&D game pieces off the table.MILESAgnes...TILLY enters.TILLYStop.AGNESGo away.TILLYTheyre right, you know.AGNESShut up.TILLYIts just a game.AGNESI was getting to know you.I was just starting to get to know you.TILLYMy characters not dead.AGNESBut you are.TILLYAgnes.AGNESThis is a stupid game and youre not real and none of this matters because you died.SHE KILLS MONSTERS81.by Qui Nguyen TILLYAgnes.AGNESChuck, Im done.CHUCKWhat?AGNESThank you so much for indulging me.Ill call you if I change my mind.But Im done talking to ghosts.Good-bye.CHUCK takes the module and leaves.Everyone else follows his lead, leaving AGNES onstage alone staring at all the fallen D&D pieces.SHE KILLS MONSTERS82.by Qui Nguyen SCENE SIXTEENAGNES sits amidst the D&D debrisVERA walks in.VERASo I see that packings coming along just great.AGNESOh.Hi.VERASorry to just drop by.Miles says you had a bit of a meltdown.I just wanted to check in on ya.AGNESWhen did you two become buddy-buddy?VERAHe came by my office.Wanted my help on something.So whats up?AGNESI...dont know.VERAAgnes, its me.Im not your stupid man.You can talk to me.AGNESIts dumb.VERAYoure talking to the girl who has a Poison tattoo on her ass.I know stupid.I inked stupid on my ass.Im sure whatever stupid youre doing aint gonna cost you a thousand dollars in lazer stupid removal.AGNESIt was just this game was all I had of her. Just a stupid character sheet and whatever she left scribbled out in her notebook.VERAThats not true - you have your memories -AGNESMy memories?My memories are shit.Do you want to know what my memories of Tilly are?Theyre of this little nerdy girl who I never talked to, who I ignored, who I didnt understand because she didnt live in the same world as I did.SHE KILLS MONSTERS83.by Qui Nguyen Her world was filled with evil jello molds and lesbian demon queens and slacker Gods while mine...had George Michaels and leg-warmers.I didnt get her.I assumed I would one day - that shed grow out of all this - that Id be able to sit around and ask her about normal things like clothes and tv shows and boys...and as it turns out, I didnt even know she didnt even like boys until my DM told me so.VERAIts okay, Agnes.AGNESNo, its not.I didnt know her, Vera.I remember her as a baby, I remember her as this little toddler I loved picking up and holding, but I dont remember her as a teen at all.Ill never get the chance to know her as an adult. And now all I have left is this stupid piece of paper and this stupid made-up adventure about killing a stupid made-up dragon.VERAAgnes, baby...CHUCK appears at the door.CHUCKKnock, knock.AGNESWhat are you doing here, Chuck? I told you Im done playing.CHUCKI know.I just, um, wanted to return this to you.CHUCK hands AGNES the module.AGNESThank you.CHUCKI was also wondering if you were free this afternoon.AGNESAre you asking me out?CHUCKI can do that?VERAShe was being sarcastic.AGNESWhat do you want, Chuck?SHE KILLS MONSTERS84.by Qui Nguyen CHUCKI just wanted to show you something.Its something of Tillys.AGNESWhat?AGNES gets up and follows CHUCKCut to...A door appears.CHUCK knocks on it.AGNESWhere is this?CHUCKThis is a friends house.AGNESWho?The door opens, its ORCUS...just dressed as a normal High School kid though.ORCUSWhats up, home-slice.AGNESOrcus?CHUCKActually...this is Ronnie.ORCUSHey, wow.Older girl. At my house.Sweet.CHUCK I just wanted you to meet some of Tillys friends.Ronnie, this is who I was telling you about.ORCUSWhoa, youre Tillys sister?CHUCKYeah.SHE KILLS MONSTERS85.by Qui Nguyen ORCUSYou are a total hottie!CHUCKUh, Ronnie?ORCUSWhat, dude?CHUCKOutside voice.ORCUSIm saying stuff outloud I should just keep in my head again, right?CHUCKYeah.ORCUSSorry.CHUCKSo is your sister around?ORCUSYeah.Lemme get her.You guys can come in if you want, just dont touch the TV, Im recording Power Rangers!They enter his house.AGNESYou really didnt do much to make him different.Hes basically the same except not red...and straight.CHUCKHeres a picture of his sister.AGNESKaliope.CHUCKKelly, actually.AGNESWow.Is she actually hotter in real life?CHUCKYeah, shes pretty.AGNESSo what are you trying to show me here?That my sister was really good at drawing up her friends?SHE KILLS MONSTERS86.by Qui Nguyen CHUCKNot exactly.Ronnie (ORCUS) returns with his sister Kelly (KALIOPE).Shes wheel-chair bound.KALIOPEWhats up, Chuck?CHUCKHey there, hot stuff!KALIOPEWhos this?CHUCKTillys sister.KALIOPEOh, hi! Nice to meet you.AGNESUh...hi.KALIOPEWhat?Do I have something on my face?AGNESUm, no, its just...You play D&D with these guys?KALIOPEYeah, well.My brothers always been into it, but it was actually your kid sister that convinced me give it a shot.I know its dorky, right?AGNESYeah, I guess.KALIOPEYour sister was awesome, Miss Evans.We loved her.We really miss her.AGNESMe too.TILLY enters.TILLYWhat are you doing?SHE KILLS MONSTERS87.by Qui Nguyen As AGNES and TILLY talk, in the background we see Ronnie and Kelly begin transforming back into their D&D characters of ORCUS and KALIOPE.AGNESIm getting to know your friends.TILLYAre you judging them?AGNESNo.TILLYI know theyre geeky, Im geeky, were all geeks.AGNESWhy do you think I care about that stuff?TILLYEveryone else does or did.I mean until I died in a car crash and then suddenly, wow, Im the most popular girl in school.AGNESIs that why all you guys play this?TILLYNo, we play it because its awesome.Its about adventures and saving the world and having magic.And maybe, in some small teeny capacity, I guess it might have a little to do with wish fulfillment.Kelly gets to walk again and Ronnie gets to be super strong...AGNESWhat about you?TILLYMe?I get the girl.Lights come up on the real life high schooler LILITH.AGNES approaches.AGNESHi.LILITHHello, Miss Evans.AGNESCan we talk for a minute?I promise Im not going to yell.SHE KILLS MONSTERS88.by Qui Nguyen LILITHOkay.AGNESLook, Im sorry about that outburst in Miss Martins office, but I was dealing with something.LILITHI get it.AGNESLook, I know youre not gay or was my sisters whatever, but she wanted you to have this.Its a letter she wrote to you.LILITHWhat does it say?AGNESIt wasnt written to me.I dont know.Do want it?LILITHYes.LILITH immediately opens it and reads it to herself.LILITHThank you, Miss Evans.AGNESHave a good day.LILITHWait.AGNESYeah?LILITHI, uh...I did know Tilly.AGNESI know.You were at her funeral.LILITHNo, I mean...we were close.I mean, she wasnt my girlfriend or anything, but I always knew she was, you know, interested.And, well, maybe I could have been too, its just I didnt know...well, I dont know.Anyways, youre not crazy.Tilly was my first kiss.Im pretty sure I was hers too.I thought youd might want to know that about your sister.SHE KILLS MONSTERS89.by Qui Nguyen AGNESThank you for telling me.LILITHAnd Miss Evans -LILITH I did love her.I just wish I could have told her that.AGNESYeah, I know what you mean.Lilith smiles, gets up, and walks away with tears now freely falling down her face.AGNES (CONTD)(To herself)Okay, Chuck, I get it. Lets do this.SHE KILLS MONSTERS90.by Qui Nguyen SCENE SEVENTEENORCUS, KALIOPE, and TILLY suddenly are all standing beside AGNES.CHUCK is back in his DM seat.CHUCKBOSS NUMBER THREE!!!!All the fighters draw their weapons.CHUCKVERA THE BEHOLDER!!!VERA THE BEHOLDER, a monsterous single eye-ball monster with sharp shark-like teeth, enters the stage.VERAPUNY ADVENTURERS! YOU HAVE NO HOPE TO DEFEAT ME! I AM A BEHOLDER!!!AND I WILL -AGNES walks up and simply stabs it in the eye.It dies.AGNESWell, that was super easy.So wheres this dragon Tiamat?This is the right Castle of Evil, right?TILLYIts the right castle.AGNESSo where is it?TILLYWell, theres something you should know about Tiamat.AGNESWhat?TILLYIts a shapeshifter.ORCUSLike Miles the Gelatinous Cube.AGNESOkay?KALIOPESo it can take any form.SHE KILLS MONSTERS91.by Qui Nguyen TILLYA friend.ORCUSA lover.KALIOPEAnybody.STEVE enters.STEVEIt is I, the great mage Steve!AGNES pulls out a knife and throws it at STEVE.It immediately kills him dead.AGNESTake that, you...dragon?Hes, um, not getting back up.KALIOPEHes not Tiamat.AGNESIf hes not then who is?LILITH entersLILITHI dont know, love.Where could you possibly find a monster in this game?AGNESLilith?LILITHI mean, look around, where oh where can all the monsters be?TILLY(pointing to ORCUS)Watch out, Agnes!Demon!ORCUS(pointing to KALIOPE)Oh no, a dark elf!KALIOPE(pointing to LILITH)A Demon Queen!SHE KILLS MONSTERS92.by Qui Nguyen LILITH, ORCUS, & KALIOPE(all pointing to TILLY)Tiamat!AGNESWhat?TILLYCome on, Agnes.You didnt actually think I was a paladin, did you?Everyone knows Paladins cant shoot magic missiles.AGNESSure.Yeah.Everybody knows...that.LILITH, ORCUS, KALIOPE, and the fallen STEVE walk up and stand side by side behind TILLY.They all give a devilish smiles at AGNES.AGNES (CONTD)Um, Tilly, whats happening?TILLYWhat do you think is happening, Big Sis? This is a D&D adventure.And what would a D&D adventure be if you didnt get to fight a dragon?TILLY hands AGNES her sword.AGNESChuck?CHUCKFINAL FIGHT!AGNES VERSUS TIAMAT!!!TILLY and her evil party walk backwards into the darkness.AGNES is alone.Suddenly, the stage goes completely dark.Then we hear footsteps.Large, heavy footsteps.We hear the screech of something large and reptilian.And then we see eyes.Bright red eyes.Five sets of them.TIAMAT emerges from the darkness.The stage is filled with smoke.SHE KILLS MONSTERS93.by Qui Nguyen Suddenly TIAMAT attacks!AGNES and the five-headed dragon go at it in all-outspectacular fight!Though the TIAMAT gets its licks in,in the end, AGNES is able to summon the strength to survive.She plunges her sword into the heart of the beast.It rears back all of its heads and thrashes around in a loud, and explosive death.It collapses onto the stage dead.As lights fade around them, a spotlight falls onto TILLY.TILLYGood job.AGNESTilly?TILLYSo did you have fun?AGNESWhat?TILLYDid you have fun?Thats the point in all this.Did you have fun?AGNES nods her head.TILLYGood.TILLY begins to exits.AGNESWait.Youre not real.Youre gone.TILLYBut this story remains.And isnt that essentially all that life is - a collection of stories?This is one of mine...KALIOPE...and not just some story that I experienced like a party or a dance or an event, but something I dreamt - LILITHSHE KILLS MONSTERS94.by Qui Nguyen Something far more personal and important than happenstance. This story came from my soul and by breathing life into it, who knows?ORCUSMaybe a bit of my soul gets the chance to breathe for a moment once again.CHUCKI love you, my sister.TILLYIm sorry I cant be there.CHUCKI have no idea why you had to experience this adventure alone without me.But I hope it gave you a glimpse into me the way I wanted you to see me - ORCUSStrong...LILITHPowerful... KALIOPEAnd magical.CHUCKCongratulations, you have finished the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens.NARRATORAnd so...Agnes the Ass-hatted accomplished her very first quest.Soon she would embark on another and then another and so forth and so on for the rest of her life.Miles the boyfriend who would soon become Miles the fiance and finally Miles the husband and father would join her on her many quests alongside Chuck the Big Braind and Tillys old group of friends, Ronnie the Slacker, Kelly the not-so-good-legged, and Lily the Closeted.Tilly was never forgotten, Agnes got married, and eventually the world finally embraced nerds not as outsiders, but as awesome.Agnes moved out of that old house and brought the many memories of an average life with her.And this made her happy. *Lights fade.END OF PLAY.SHE KILLS MONSTERS95.by Qui Nguyen