session 3 // respect and love - five14...

Session 3 // respect and love

HABITS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE

4 core

Included in the Participant's Guide

SESSION THREE - RESPECT & LOVETHE CORE 4 HABITS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICERTed Lowe

WRITERTed Lowe

EDITORCarrie Hood

GRAPHICS Anna Sandersthreepennies.com

VIDEOJosh PetersJeff Pondercontusioncreative.com

TECHNICAL SUPPORT & WEBHadley BrandtRussell ToddDaniel Walters

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICERReggie Goodin

PARTNER SUPPORTNancie LoweTed Lowe

MUSICEddie KirklandChrystina L. FIncher

BOTTOM LINE: RESPECT AND LOVE: JUST DO IT.

INTRODUCTION:As we mentioned at the beginning of the study, God gives us precious few passages on marriage. Of those passages, respect and love is commanded more than any other directives for husbands and wives. Before we dive into this session, you may be wondering why this habit is named Respect and Love instead of “Love and Respect”. For us, it’s not just semantics. In Ephesians 5, God’s instructions for husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands is preceded by his command for mutual submission, mutual respect. Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” But make no mistake about it, both secular and Christian research has shown time and time again that a woman’s greatest desire from her husband is to be unconditionally loved, and a man’s greatest desire from his wife is unconditional respect. Now let’s dive in.

Ironically, never is a man’s primary desire to be respected and a woman’s primary desire to be loved more obvious than during times of conflict. This is actually great news, because something amazing can happen when couples stop in calm, cool, neutral moments to explore what’s under the surface of their conflict, and that is what this session is all about. 4 // respect & love

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page 2www.marriedpeople.org MarriedPeopleSmallGroups©Orange2011Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable laws. Allrightsreserved.

MARRIEDPEOPLE SMALL GROUPS Welcome to Session Three.The goal of this session is to explore the CORE 4 HABIT: RESPECT AND LOVE.

CREATING THE ENVIRONMENTMake sure the environment in which you are meeting is inviting and the temperature is comfortable. And snacks are never a bad thing.

Before couples arrive, insert the DVD and go to Session Three: “Respect and Love.” From there you have two options:

» Music and Trivia»Play Session

Choose Music and Trivia to be played in the background as people are arriving and socializing. Note: We are not suggesting that couples focus on the Music and Trivia. We just wanted to give you something fun and warm in the background to fill those awkward moments of silence. The most important goal is for people to connect with you and other couples.

SCHEDULEPlan about two hours for this session. Below is a sample agenda. We have built in 25 extra minutes to allow for flexibility. By keeping the schedule flexible, you and the people in your group will feel the freedom to share challenges, successes, and life in general. We believe community and relationship are keys to a successful group experience.

7:00 p.m. Meet and Greet 7:20 p.m. One Couple Shares Their Story7:35 p.m. Video Segment One 7:40 p.m. Discussion Questions7:55 p.m. Bottom Line 8:20 p.m. Application: “Conflict Cycle” Exercise8:30 p.m. Video Segment Two

MEET AND GREETThis would be a great time to ask how their “Little Big Dates” went from last session.

page 3www.marriedpeople.org MarriedPeopleSmallGroups©Orange2011 Allrightsreserved.



ONE COUPLE SHARES THEIR STORYOnce you are ready to start the group, have one couple share their story. We suggest you guide the process by “interviewing” them. By playing the interviewer, you are in a position to help those who are struggling and gently interrupt those who are sharing too long. Once they have finished sharing their story, conclude by letting the group know that one of your hopes for the group is that you would continue to share life with one another.

VIDEO SEGMENT ONEWhen the couple is finished with their story, click on Play Session from Session Three. From there, our host, Eugene Russell, will introduce the topic and transition into Couples Interview Segment One. The goal of the interviews is to give relatable examples of challenges and hopes in different life stages, spurring conversations in your group.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:1. What is one thing you tried to hide about yourself when you were dating?

2. Once you were married, what was the one thing that surprised you the most about your spouse?

BOTTOM LINE CORE 4 HABIT: RESPECT AND LOVE This is the point in the session when you will present the biblical Bottom Line. We’ve included our own examples in this teaching script, but do not feel like you have to say it like we say it. God has chosen you to lead this group. So, teach the Bottom Line in a way that works for you. That’s why we designed this study the way we did. We know they will listen more to a couple that is investing in them personally.

Last session we looked at The MarriedPeople Core 4 Habit: Have Serious Fun, where the Bottom Line was that the best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it. For this session, we are going to look at the Core 4 Habit: Respect and Love.

INTRODUCTIONThe introduction is intended to connect you to couples through a personal story or observation. We’ve included our stories, but you may want to substitute your own in this session.




TENSIONTo love our spouses, we have to know them. To know your spouse, you have to study him/her, and understand how you interact and do life as a couple. One of the most frustrating and bewildering parts of marriage is conflict. While couples experience and react to conflict in many different ways, there are some common denominators. Many are bewildered by how their spouses react to different situations. Many are frustrated that they keep having the same “fight” over and over again. Many report: “We fight about the dumbest things.”

Conflict is merely an annoyance for some couples, but for many it destroys their marriages.

TRUTHBut something amazing happens when couples stop, and in a calm, cool, neutral moment (hopefully, like the ones they are experiencing throughout the group) explore what’s beneath the surface of their conflict. What is really going on? What are they really in conflict about?

Many spouses don’t understand each other’s wants and desires because they don’t understand the core difference between men and women. So, what is this core difference? Ephesians 5:33 accurately summarizes this difference:

Ephesians 533 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (New International Version, ©2010)

A man’s ultimate desire is to be respected by his wife, and a woman’s ultimate desire is to be loved by her husband. It’s not that men don’t desire love and women don’t desire respect. But both Christian and secular research shows that a man’s ultimate desire is to be respected and a woman’s ultimate desire is to be loved. A lack of understanding of this core difference leads to a lack of fulfillment, which ultimately leads to tension and conflict.

Let’s look at men and their desire for respect. Men greatly desire for their wives to think they are great at . . . well . . . everything. Men want to hear that they are great husbands, great fathers, and amazing providers. So one of the best ways for wives to show respect for their husbands is to affirm them for caring so much about their families.

Now the problem with men wanting respect is that we’ve heard all our lives that respect has to be earned. It is often said that love is unconditional, but respect has to be earned. But nowhere in the verse below does it say that respect has to be earned.




The verse simply says that women should respect their husbands. There are no conditions given for earning that respect. Know that this might raise some questions and even some red flags with the women in your group for a couple of reasons.

Some women simply feel their husbands don’t deserve their respect. It is important to note that just as they desire to be loved no matter what, their husbands desire to be respected no matter what. Husbands’ and wives’ desires are different, but the way they want those desires fulfilled is the same—unconditionally. Some women see the directive to respect their husbands as requiring them to become inferior to them. In reality, it is not about pushing them down, but lifting their husbands up.

Finally, for some women, this is simply a new concept. They don’t understand that a man’s ultimate desire is to be respected even more than his desire to be loved. It’s just not something many women, and even men, have considered. Think about it: How many times do we hear the words “I love you,” and how few times do we hear the words, “I respect you”? Let me give you an example of something that might not seem like a big deal to a woman, but is a huge deal to man. I have seen this happen so many times: a man is telling a story to a group of people and his wife interrupts him because he is telling it wrong. Sounds silly, but that’s embarrassing and hurtful to a man. At the end of the day, who cares if he is getting the story straight? If it is TRULY important he get it right, tell him later when you are alone.

On the flip side of that, I have seen women speak well of their husbands in public. My wife is very good at this. A friend of mine recently said to me, “You and Nancie must really be doing well. Last night when we were all at dinner, you told a story I know Nancie has heard a million times, and she was laughing like it was the first.” Sounds silly, but that feels great to a man.

Here is another example that is becoming more and more common in this economy, when many people are unemployed or underemployed. While it can be devastating for both men and women, it tends to hit men a little harder. When men feel like they are not providing well for their families, it can be very emasculating. When women express valid frustrations that come with financial insecurity, they unknowingly cause their husbands to feel like less of the men they want to be.

This adds to his stress, which makes her feel more fearful, and around and around they go. These are the types of situations where men need their wives most. They need to hear things like, “Hey, this is not your fault. You are great at what you do.” “You’ll find a job; just give it time.” “This is temporary.” “You are worrying too much about this; you’ve got this.”




Now here’s the catch. When wives say these things, their husbands will most likely not respond. They won’t say, “You know honey, I was feeling like less of a man, and your words were healing to my wounded soul.” Not only will he not say that, the mere topic might frustrate him. But know this . . . words and actions that let him know you believe in him are huge. Consistent deposits of respect will often add up to more of the marriage you BOTH want.

Now let’s talk about the women. She wants to be respected as a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a neighbor, a co-worker. She wants you to respect the person she is.


BUT a woman’s greatest desire is to be loved—unconditionally.

I think most men have a big picture understanding of why unconditional love is important. But when it comes to day-to-day interaction, men can be very harsh—in their tone and in their words. Here’s an example from a friend of my wife’s that might not sound like a big deal to a man, but is a huge deal to a woman.

Recently, her husband came home late from work, just in time for the whole family to pile into the car and go to their son’s baseball game. On the drive there, her husband said nothing, but it was obvious he was annoyed about something. When they finally got to the baseball field, they realized their son didn’t have his glove. The first thing her husband said to her since leaving their house was “Great, you forgot his glove.” She pointed out that while those words might not sound bad, the tone in which he said them really hurt.

Men, if you have said this before: ”I can’t say anything without her getting upset,” then the following point is most definitely for you. You don’t have to understand why your words or actions hurt her; you just have to understand that they did.

It’s very clear: God has wired men and women differently. And, oftentimes, conflicts occur because we just don’t understand our different needs for Respect and Love. Now, let’s take a closer look at what it looks like when we are not understanding each other’s needs.

BOTTOM LINE: RESPECT AND LOVE: JUST DO IT.



APPLICATION:“CONFLICT CYCLE” EXERCISE

To help you understand the exercise, I will describe a recent argument between my wife and me. [I would highly suggest you, as the leaders, do the same.] This is a great time to show couples that conflict is normal. If you haven’t had an argument recently, think of an old one, or start one today.

STEP ONE begins this exercise by asking the question: What has been your most recent conflict or tension? Sound dangerous? It is. This is why it was important that you discussed the needs for Respect and Love before the exercise, so that you enter into the exercise more sensitive to one another’s needs.

Occasionally, my wife and I will teach at marriage enrichment events. A couple of weeks ago, we were preparing for a trip that involved three different speaking engagements. These required flights from Atlanta to Los Angles to Memphis and then back to Atlanta in a six-day span of time. We have three kids, and Nancie takes most of the brunt of getting things squared away: school, babysitting, after-school activities, etc.

My role for speaking engagements is preparing the content for the messages to be presented at each venue while managing our nonprofit organization, MarriedPeople. In the middle of the chaos of getting ready for this trip, Nancie and I were casually talking about the trip, and I unknowingly made a suggestion that would have required a major overhaul of the plan Nancie had in place. Through her facial expressions and body language, she seemed very annoyed by the suggestion.

That pushed a button with me. I thought to myself, It doesn’t matter what idea I have, she always shoots it down. I quickly turned that thought into a comment to which she continued her annoyed looks and body language and withdrew from me for the rest of the day. This frustrated me even more and I then proceeded to give her recent examples that proved my point that she NEVER thinks I have good ideas.

Throughout our 16 years of marriage, these kinds of arguments have been common. But we did this exercise a few years ago and it changed our marriage. The exercise dissected a recent argument, and quickly revealed to us the overarching causes of our conflicts. In the following exercise, we identified our typical reactions during conflict and why those reactions tended to push each other’s buttons and create the conflict cycle.

Using the list of definitions from STEP TWO, I discovered that my underlying fear is that I am defective. Growing up, I was told the same lie repeatedly by people very close to me—that there was something wrong with me. So when I felt like Nancie was negating my ideas for the trip, I felt defective. For the exercise, we called this feeling my button. In this same step, Nancie discovered that her underlying fear was that she would never measure up. As we discussed her button, we had a harder time understanding where that button came from. Was it her mom? No. Was it her Dad? No. Was it this person or that person? No.

I was actually the one who identified the source of her button, the person that had written the lie on her heart that she didn’t measure up. It was me. While I was absolutely devastated to know that I had spoken this into her life, the impact that knowledge has had on our marriage has been nothing short of remarkable. Now when I feel myself maximizing the situation in my head, thinking how she NEVER says this or does that, I know that if I choose to say those things to her, she will continue to feel like she will never measure up.



Not that I have a perfect record of not maximizing during times of conflict. But this is an area of our marriage that is RADICALLY different. In STEP THREE, I identified that my most common REACTION during conflict was to maximize the situation, and she discovered her reaction was to withdraw. But here is the most important part: we saw how our buttons and reactions caused a conflict cycle that had frustrated us for years. My reaction pushed her button and her reaction pushed my button, and around and around we’d go into what we call the Conflict Cycle [see illustration below]. Again, we strongly suggest you use a personal example of how you too can be caught in the conflict cycle.

Once you have described your latest conflict, instruct couples to decide which conflict they want to use for the exercise. Instruct them to do Step One through Step Four as individuals and Step Five as a couple. If time allows, this would be a great time to talk about what they learned through the exercise. Then close with Video Segment Two.

*NOTE: Discussing conflict can oftentimes cause conflict. Make sure couples know how they can get in touch with you if they would like to connect in-between this session and the next.

VIDEO SEGMENT TWO After the video concludes, background music will continue on the DVD. We suggest you allow the music to play as couples are socializing and saying their good-byes. The music on the CD is available on iTunes.

FOLLOW-UP: Ask another couple to be ready to share their story at the next session.

At some point before the next session, follow up via email, text, etc. We suggest contacting them individually (each person). And, of course, we think it’s best for men to contact men and women to contact women. Hopefully, this will continue the dynamic of men connecting with men and women connecting with women, which we have found to be critical as the group moves along.

CONTACT US: If you have any questions, you can contact the MarriedPeople team at [email protected]. Also, we would love to see pictures and hear stories about how this study is impacting your group. Email us and let us know, or post a message on the MarriedPeople Facebook fan page.

Songs used in this session: “Where the Pieces Go” by Eddie Kirkland & “Let My Words” by Chrystina L. Fincher. Both available on iTunes.

MarriedPeople is indebted to the Fear Cycle published by the National Institute of Marriage for certain ideas reflected in this exercise.

Songs used by permission in this session: “Where the Pieces Go” by Eddie Kirkland & “Let My Words” by Chrystina L. Fincher. All songs copyrighted 2011.



MarriedPeople Core 4 - Study Your SpouseExercise: Conflict Cycle

HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION

MarriedPeople Small Group Orange, 2011c


The following exercise is to be completed as individuals. Once you have completed the exercise, choose a time when you can discuss it as a couple.

INTRODUCTION No matter how people handle conflict, most couples say, “We fight about the dumbest things.” In other words, they typically fight about things that in the end really don’t matter. Couples’ reactions often don’t match the situation. So the big question is:

What are we really talking about?

Step One: Begin by thinking about a recent conflict/tension you had or are still having as a couple. Remember, it doesn’t have to be about anything “important,” just as long as it caused friction.

Step Two: YOUR BUTTON Now that you are thinking about this conflict or tension, how does the conflict make you feel; what does it show you about yourself? What does it say about you?

In order to help you determine what this says about you, circle the words below that apply to how you feel and place an asterisk next to the one that applies the MOST. What button in you was really pushed?

Neglected I am not desired by my spouse; I feel insignificant, unneeded and unaccepted; I feel that I am unimportant and meaningless to my spouse.

Deserted My spouse will eventually leave me, and I will be deserted. I fear that one day I will be divorced and left alone to fend for myself. My spouse is not going to stay in this marriage; he/she is not committed to “forever.”

Disconnected We do not connect emotionally, and we will eventually become totally disconnected, separated, and estranged.

A Disappointment I’m a huge disappointment as a husband/wife; I am incapable of meeting my spouse’s needs and everything I do is wrong and does not live up to his/her expectations. I am a failure as a spouse.

Defeated I don’t have the power or voice to make any difference in my marriage. My spouse will ultimately get his/her way completely. My voice will never be heard and I cannot do anything to change that. I will never have my own needs met in my marriage because my spouse will always win. I feel defeated by my spouse.

Damaged This is my fault as I’m the damaged one in the marriage; I am the problem. I don’t measure up and I do not possess what it takes to be a good spouse; I will never

// Exercise: conflict cycle



HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION



measure up. I add no value to my marriage or to my spouse. I am worthless as a spouse. I’ll never truly make my husband/wife happy or meet his/her needs.

Second-rate Everyone around me is better than me; everyone is more successful than me; I will always be second-rate.

Ignored Who I am and what I think is unimportant; I am meaningless and invisible. I seem to have no value to those around me. I feel ignored.

Undesired My spouse doesn’t desire or love me anymore; he/she does not find me desirable, loveable, or worthy of his/her affection. There is no passion between us. We are simply two people living together. Romance does not exist in our relationship. It feels empty and void of any emotional connection whatsoever. Our marriage feels dead.

Unfulfilled I will never be fulfilled in my marriage; I will be unhappy in my relationship for the rest of my life. I will never have the marriage I really want. I am disappointed by what my marriage has become. I have no hope of ever feeling fulfilled by my marriage.

Taken for granted My spouse will always take me for granted and will not meet my needs. I will never have my own needs or desires met.

Disapproved of My spouse disapproves of me. In his/her eyes, I do not make the cut; I am unacceptable

as a spouse.

Misunderstood I feel that I am always under my spouse’s microscope, and that I am misunderstood and misjudged. I am inaccurately “sized up.” My spouse thinks he/she knows me, but he/she has it wrong. His/her opinions of me are incorrect and misguided. I am not as bad as my spouse thinks I am.

Embarrassed I am embarrassed by my marriage; I often feel that it is stripping me of any dignity I have left. I feel devalued as a person because of my marriage.

Invisible I feel invisible to my spouse. I am not truly seen or heard.

Low Priority I am of little or low priority to my spouse. Other people and things take priority over me. I feel like I really don’t matter very much.

Step Three: YOUR REACTIONThe following are characteristics of common reactions that happen during times of conflict.

Read through all of the following responses, and circle the words that best describe how you typically respond




HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION



during times of conflict. In addition, think through the reaction that MOST describes how you react to conflict, and place an asterisk next to that word.

Isolation You isolate yourself before the conflict has been resolved; you become quiet and distant from others.

Intensify The extent of your emotional, and perhaps physical, response increases in intensity and magnitude. You may yell, feel an extreme rush of anger, or feel enraged when conflict occurs.

Work You do whatever you can to work for or gain your spouse’s affection, love, or concern, whether through acts of service, kindness, or extreme attention to his/her needs. You work for your desired outcome, hoping you will eventually earn it.

Critical You focus only on negative feelings about your spouse, creating an opinion that he/she is far worse than is really the case; you only see the bad in your spouse and do not acknowledge any positive attributes to your spouse’s motivations. You keep a mental “list” on hand at all times of your spouse’s faults.

Fault You place blame on the other person, and refuse to take any responsibility for the problem because you believe it’s “all my spouse’s fault.”

Overly dramatic You tend to over-dramatize truths and sensationalize the facts beyond the actual truth or heart of the matter. Your spouse may often say you are being dramatic or making it into a bigger thing than it really is.

Temper You throw a fit and have extreme reactions; staying calm during conflict is extremely difficult for you.

Strong-willed You will not budge on your opinion once your mind is made up, even denying the facts.

Belittling You put down your spouse, leaving him/her feeling beaten down and disrespected. You show little to no concern for your spouse’s feelings, opinions, or contributions.

Defensive You hear only accusations instead of really listening to what is being said. You are quick to go on the defensive and feel the need to explain yourself and your actions.

Needy Your need to feel attached to your spouse is extreme, causing you to become overly dependent, seeking his/her approval.




HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION



Passive-agressive While you may feel resentful and want to respond aggressively, your actual response tends to hide your real feelings and you respond in subtle, passive, yet

negative ways. It can be hard to read your actual emotions because they are disguised.

Acting out You turn to addictive habits and self-destructive behaviors such as drug or alcohol abuse, cheating, lying, or excessive spending, gambling, or overeating.

Instant resolution You immediately go into “resolve it” mode, focusing all of your energy on how to resolve the conflict at hand.

Lashing out You may become abusive, whether emotionally, verbally, or physically, wanting to “hurt” the other person with your words or even your actions.

Controlling You want to control the situation so that you obtain your desired outcome, taking whatever means necessary, including manipulating your spouse to get him/her to do or say what you want.

Maximize You may tend to see the conflict or problems in your marriage as far worse than they actually are, stating that the relationship is in far worse danger than it actually is.

Minimize You downplay the issues or circumstances. You accuse your spouse of overstating the problem, making something out of nothing. You downplay your spouse’s feelings, giving little acknowledgement to his/her needs and concerns.

Check out mode You essentially “check out” and exhibit little to no emotion, showing little to no concern for your spouse’s needs or emotions. You can seem cold and distant.

Humor You make light of the conflict by making jokes and using humor to disguise your actual thoughts and feelings about the issue at hand, making your spouse feel that you don’t take his/her concerns seriously.

Sarcasm You make sarcastic or demeaning statements that you find funny, but that leave your spouse feeling hurt and disrespected.




HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION



Rationalization You base everything on a logical, rational approach, sometimes to the exclusion of the other person’s emotions or feelings at hand. You try to logically validate your behavior, even if your behavior was unacceptable or irrational.

Renounce You refuse to take on any responsibility, renouncing any part in the issue or in the creation of conflict. It is the other person’s fault or the fault of circumstances.

Self-deprecation The opposite of “Renounce,” you become self-deprecating, putting yourself down, finding fault only with yourself, and allowing no responsibility on the part of your spouse.

Step Four: Insert your BUTTON from Step Two, and your REACTION from Step Three into the Conflict Cycle diagram.

Step Five:Once you and your spouse have finished this portion of the exercise, exchange answers and insert your spouse’s BUTTON and REACTION into the space above.

MarriedPeople is indebted to the Fear Cycle published by the National Institute of Marriage for ideas reflected in this exercise.




HIS BUTTON

HIS REACTION

HER BUTTON

HER REACTION


Respect and Love

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