Mr. Black’s History

His presence commanded my attention the moment he entered the room. Tall, strong, confidant, sensual. I felt waves of anticipated bliss every time our eyes met or at the slightest accidental touch. I envisioned us sharing a world where no one else existed, experiencing him fully. Raymond Kiwane Black, a doctoral student studying Educational Policies with an emphasis in Urban Studies. He planned to change the world but first he vowed to change my life. And he did. It began with a cup of coffee and ended with us sharing a bed. I’d never invited a man into my home so soon, so prematurely, but this thing I shared with Black ripened quickly. Our bodies spoke rhythms that only our hearts could understand. His words melted the bitterness, betrayal and hurt left by those that had come before him. He filled the dark places with the light of his love - the light of his understanding. An understanding that I didn’t need him sexually but mentally, spiritually, and that catapulted me emotionally. I was humbled, naked and raw. There was no room for pride. No “I” just us. Wrestling with passion and desire so thick I could barely breathe. I wanted to jump inside of his skin. Flooded with every emotion at once – I was overwhelmed, overjoyed, over my head and out of my league.

I remember sitting in the corner of the coffee shop, our spot, watching him gently stroke her cheek with the back of his hand. My heart shattered. Our connection allowed him to feel my brokenness, because he looked up and those same eyes met mine. He didn’t look away, he simply grabbed her hand and led her out of the door. In that moment the only word I could muster was “why?” Hundreds of questions flooded my mind and translated into rage and anger that could only be expressed through my tears.

That evening he came over without calling and like a fool I let him in. Before I could cuss him out, without hesitation he pulled me close and said “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not being everything you needed me to be. Sorry for not giving all of me to you. I’m sorry. I love you and I’ll never hurt you again.” He was selling a dream and I was buying stock by the barrel. That night we experienced passion beyond measure. “I love you too, Black.”

For 3 years Black drove me down every emotional dead end, fork in the road, one way street, and cul-de-sac. His love was a sinful addiction that kept me like a feind, lusting for reasons to take him back time after time. I was in and out of emotional rehab, loving and giving and draining the very life from me so that his ego could live. I deserved more than Black was willing or capable of giving.

Reflecting on this fools journey I took with Black leaves me filled with nothing but gratitude! He taught me the value of self. I now embrace my strength and welcome the opportunity to love again, to thrive and be happy with me! Tonight my soul will write lyrics of thanks in celebration; excited about my future knowing Black’s history.

~ Sage L’Ren/Pancho Moore

Thanks For Nothin’ Frustration.

My relief is also the sourceI say I'm leavin’, say I can't take no more

My feelings, they meet me at the doorAnd before I know it

I’m makin’ em breakfast in the morn

Shame.I hate being alone

But this is the house I made; was never a homeWishin’ you were gone

But can't stop pickin’ up the phoneYou don't feel the same way though

I can hear it in yo tone

Funny.Keep thinkin' bout the beginnin’

How I thought I had the bestThought I was winnin’ and this time was different

Had my head spinin’Cookin’, cleanin’, puttin it down & even washin’ yo linen

Reality.You only need me when thangs get to risin’

How you have changedAnd it's surprisin’

Especially when I try to tell you And your comeback is that I'm just whinin’

That I’m ungrateful, though I’m simply stating the truthI guess that’s what happens

When you fall in love with a nothin’ nigga doin’ what nothin’ niggas do

Where u been?Doing nothin’

Arguin’ throughout the nightSo we doing nothin’

I’m holding on to nothin’Got me sprung over nothin’Going nowhere with nothin’And if my game is so tight,

Why am I lay’n down with a nothin’ kinda dude every night?

Three years, a million tears and no ring laterLesson learned, I’m movin on, knowing its someone out there better

So while your Timb’s were made for walkingSo were my Jimmy Choo’s

Got nothin’ to gain by staying with you,And by leaving I sure as hell ain’t got nothin’ to lose

~ B. Steele McCain