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Resolving Conflict Session 17 Worksheet

What are some common conflicts in a marriage?

Habits that irritate Discipline of children/parenting

Household chores/responsibilities Different personalities (punctual vs. late)

Inflexibility Selfishness

In-laws or family issues Insensitivity of other’s needs

Money (or lack of) Lack of communication

Lack of time together Sex

Video Review: 6 Types of Conflict in Marriage Conflict #1—The Sin of One Spouse. One spouse has sinned against the other. The sin could be a sexual sin, angry outbursts, loss of self-control, impatience, critical attitudes, judgmentalism, out-of-control spending of the family money, lying or deception, substance abuse, controlling behavior, emotionally injurious behavior (name calling or belittling), misuse of power, pride, selfishness, greed, jealousy, envy, or conceit. Conflict #2—The Immaturity or Brokenness of One Person. When immaturity or brokenness surfaces, face that reality and deal with it. Equality and mutuality—instead of an attitude of superiority—can solve a lot of problems if you are working as a team. Conflict #3—Hurt Feelings That Are No One’s Fault. Marriage is a place where old hurts inevitably get stepped on. But old hurts can heal as you respond differently to your spouse than he/she has been responded to in the past. Become a healing agent, giving empathy, understanding, non-defensiveness, and care. Conflict #4—Conflicting Desires. Normally two people develop a pattern of give and take, and differences get negotiated. But sometimes a stalemate occurs. Instead of fighting for your own way all the time, give in to the preference of your spouse on occasion as a learning and stretching experience. Your marriage relationship can grow and expand you if you let it. Conflict #5—Desires of One Person Versus the Needs of the Relationship. Make sure that the marriage gets served first. Also, over the long haul, see that the marriage goes on the back burner at times for each member and that each member has learned that the marriage is more important than his or her individual wants. Conflict #6—Known Versus Unknown Problems. Your spouse may know more about you than you do. Learn what your spouse knows about you and then work together to solve the problem. Furthermore, you may both become aware of problems that you hadn’t known about before.

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For suggestions on how to properly deal with these conflicts, read Chapter 13 in Boundaries in Marriage. Summary of conflicts taken from Participant’s Guide. Decide which of the 6 kinds of conflict is described in the following scenario: Scenario #1 “Sex was always so mechanical for her. She never said no to me—and I always had to be the one to initiate—but it’s as if she checked out whenever we got close. About two years into our marriage, she opened up about the incest she had experienced as a child.” Conflict #___2___ Scenario #2 “She always seems to be on the phone when I’m home. It’s not that I expect a candlelight dinner, the red-carpet treatment, and her undivided attention every moment I’m under the roof. Bt, for whatever reason, I’m really bugged by the phone thing. I guess I want more than the nod, half-smile, and “I’ll-just-be-a-minute” sign. She doesn’t even skip a beat in her conversation…But maybe she’s not even aware of the pattern.” Conflict #__6__ Scenario #3 “Lunch at 11:15. I remembered that as easily as I remember my telephone number! But 11:15 came and went, and he didn’t show up. I called him on my cell phone, but no one answered at his office. So I had a salad by myself. I was more than a little miffed, and I got angrier as the afternoon wore on. At home later, after I made some comments I’m not proud of, I learned that lunch at 11:15 was exactly right, but he was waiting for me to come by the office to walk to the restaurant with him. Oops!” Conflict #___3__ Scenario #4 “She helped put me through dental school; and since the first day, she’s always been a big help in my practice. But now that our youngest is going off to college, she wants to go to graduate school, get her Ph.D., and teach at the university. Who would cover when my receptionist has a sick toddler and can’t come in? Who would oversee my billing? And would our home life be the same? She doesn’t understand why I’m not keen on her idea.” Conflict #___5___

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Scenario #5 “His favorite verse, he’d always joked, was ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands’ but living with him is no joke! It wasn’t too long after the honeymoon that I started feeling more like a doormat than a bride. He didn’t seem to care about my opinion on anything, and any efforts I made at home were never good enough. When his nicknames for me became less than affectionate, I thought we needed some counseling.” Conflict #___1___ Scenario #6 “He teaches all day long, and twice a week he teaches in the evening at a community college. I know his day is crammed full of people, but I stay home with a six-month-old. Oh, sure, my part-time accounting gives me something to do during naptime, but it doesn’t get me in touch with people. So, when Todd comes home, I’m ready to talk—and talk and talk, he’d say ‘I need to decompress and have some quiet time after a busy day. ’ And I always have ideas about fun things to do with friends and family on weekends. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to even want to do something.” Conflict #___4___ Quote to remember: “Humility and grace are the two most important attitudes that the Bible suggests in dealing with someone else’s sin. Go ___tough____ on the issue but ___soft___ on the person.” Steps for Resolving Conflicts:

O bservation—Determine if there is a conflict or problem.

C onfrontation—Talk honestly with each other about the problem that’s identified.

O wnership, Grief and A pology Admit it if you are the problem, confess, and apologize.

“Apologies are not pass/fail…Half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting…A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.” The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (p. 161)

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3 Parts of a proper apology:

“I’m ____sorry_____.”

“What I did was ____wrong____.”

“How do I __make it right?”__

R_epentance—Decide to change…stop doing what you’ve been doing

Involvement in the P rocess—be willing to do what is necessary to change what is happening in your marriage

R e-examination—Become accountable to the person you have wronged. Just because you’ve committed to change doesn’t mean you won’t regress.

Remember that unresolved conflict leads to ____isolation____. List some Scripture verses that speak to the issue of resolving conflict. Ephesians 4:26 James 1:19b Galatians 6:1

Principles for resolving conflict:

Focus On: Rather Than:

One issue Many issues The problem The person

Behavior Character Specifics Generalizations (words like “always”)

Expression of feelings Judgment of character

“I” statements “You” statements

Observation of facts Judgment of motive Mutual understanding Who’s winning or losing

Taken from: Family Life Marriage Conference “A Weekend to Remember”, p. 141 Resolved conflict leads to ___”oneness”____.

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Basic Rules of Communication (from video)

1. Listen and seek to understand the other before you seek to be understood. 2. Actively empathize and use reflective listening to let the other person know you

understand. 3. Do not devalue or explain away what the other person is feeling or saying. Don’t defend;

just listen. 4. Clarify to make sure you understand. Ask questions. 5. Use “I” statements that show you are taking responsibility for what you are feeling or

wanting. Who Are You? Are you a boundary lover or a boundary resister?

Are you usually not open to feedback?

Do you have trouble seeing when you are wrong?

Do you tend to not like limits of any kind?

Do you blame everyone else for your problems? If you identified with most of the points above, you’re a boundary resister.

Do you have the ability to hear feedback and listen?

Are you open to what people have to say to you and about you?

Do you take responsibility for your problems and mistakes?

Do you want your spouse and you to experience freedom and love? If you identified with most of these points, then you are a boundary lover. I am a boundary ___________________ based on the traits listed above. I feel my spouse is a boundary ____________________. For very helpful information on how to resolve conflict with a boundary lover or a boundary resister, read Chapters 14 and 15 in Boundaries in Marriage. Notice that the chapter on dealing with a boundary resistant spouse is much longer since the process will be more challenging.

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Time for Reflection What do you cherish about your spouse? What good does your spouse bring to your marriage? What would your life be without your spouse?

At-Home Assignment The Bible suggests the following path for resolving all kinds of conflicts. As you read through the steps and answer the questions, see where the Lord seems to be taking you and, in faith, act on what you need to do. Observation: You can’t fix a problem you do not see.

Are you aware of a problem that your spouse does not yet see? Why have you been quiet about it?

Could your spouse be aware of a problem you don’t yet see? How would you like to respond if and when your mate brings it up? What will you do to invite that discussion?

Confrontation: You can’t fix a problem you don’t talk about.

When have you been slow to talk with your spouse about a problem? How did your hesitation impact the problem and your relationship with your spouse?

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Using either a hypothetical problem or one you currently face in your marriage, practice speaking the truth to your spouse and doing so in love. What will you say and how will you say it. Knowing ahead of time how you will approach your spouse will help when you eventually feel the need to confront him/her.

Ownership, grief, and apology: If you are the problem—or at least part of it—own it. If you have been hurt, own your hurt and communicate it. If you are the one who is doing the hurting, then confess and apologize. If you are the wounded party, forgive as well as express your hurt.

Into which category—the problem, the wounded spouse, or the wounding one—do you currently fall? According to this list, what should you do—and when will you do it?

When have you not acted according to this formula of ownership, grief, apology, and forgiveness? What impact did your actions have on your marriage relationship?

Repentance: Once you see your part in something, repent.

When has your “repentance” been merely a matter of words? What impact did this pseudo-repentance have on your relationship with your spouse?

Genuine repentance requires action: a change in direction, a change in behavior. What repentance, if any, is it your responsibility to be living out now? Be specific about the actions you will take to do so.

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Involvement in the process: Problems do not go away immediately. Become involved in whatever process will be necessary for change.

Think back on a problem you and your spouse have encountered. Describe the process of change involved in resolving the problem. What did that process demand of you? Be specific. What might have happened in your marriage had you not gotten or stayed involved in resolving the problem?

What current problem in your marriage will challenge you to get and stay involved in the process of resolving it? What will you do to be sure you persevere?

Re-examination: Have some system of re-examination. Get a checkup from those to whom you have made yourself accountable. And then continue to get re-examined for other things as well.

Consider past problems in your marriage. Give an example of one that recurred to some degree. What might have prevented that recurrence?

Who can re-examine you for any recurrence of a past issue? When will you talk to that person/those people? What benefits do you think will come from such re-examination?

*Questions on pages 4-7 were taken from the Boundaries in Marriage Participant’s Guide, pages 116-119.

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At-Home Reading Read Chapters 13-15 in Boundaries in Marriage to finish the book. If you did not read Chapter 16 in an earlier session when it was assigned, then be sure to read it. Additional Reading Suggestion: Rekindled: How to Keep the Warmth in Marriage by Pat and Jill Williams.

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Venting

19 Mar 2009

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11 (NKJV) Yesterday, I was just mindlessly looking out the window of an airport watching a few seagulls dart about overhead while airline workers were busy loading bags. Nothing about the scene outside the airport window spoke of danger. But then suddenly I remembered the flight from New York just a few weeks ago that was brought down by a few geese. That seagull that faded into the background just moments before became a point of extreme interest to me. What if? It's amazing if you stop to think about it that a huge airplane could be brought down by just a few birds. Birds. Who would have thought? It makes me think about other seemingly small things that can cause great destruction as well … especially when it comes to my marriage. Words vented in frustration can seem so small. Slightly disrespectful attitudes can seem so small. Complaining about lack of finances can seem so small. Brushing off his/her desires can seem so small. Making mental lists of things you wish were different about him/her can seem so small. But each one of these seemingly small things can so easily and tragically wedge itself into the core of a marriage and send it screaming toward destruction. Entire families have been ripped apart by things that once seemed so small. Listen to the heartbreak in this note that was anonymously posted on my blog the other day: "Girls...I know this seems small...but, it's really not. Take it from someone who has blown it more times in marriage than not. Now I have blown it enough to make myself a single mom. It's too late for me. But, it's not for you. Please be aware of the little things. I wouldn't have you join me for anything in the world. Be on your guard and protect your marriage." -Anonymous I am challenged by this. I can't just mindlessly assume that my marriage is coasting along okay and that little problems can't topple even the most seemingly stable of legacies. I can't get complacent. I can't get prideful. I can't get lazy. I can't take the gift of my marriage for granted. I have a great marriage but sometimes I slip into automatic and stop getting as intentional as I should about investing richly and deeply into our relationship. So, I've decided to declare this

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my get intentional week. Today I'll focus on my words. I'm praying for God to interrupt my mouth at every turn today. I am going to hold my tongue against saying anything careless. I am going to intentionally use my words as gifts to my husband today and nothing else. Not that one day of doing this can protect my marriage forever - but it sure is a good start. Care to join me? Oh you know there will be challenges ahead, but I'm up for it. What about you? Dear Lord, help me to realize that with each word I speak, I am making the choice to bless or to curse. Please help me to speak words that are pleasing to You - even when my emotions run high and my feelings beg me to betray this commitment. In Jesus' Name, Amen. Application Steps: Identify the areas of your marriage you may be struggling with – complacency, pride, laziness. Look up verses in God's Word that address each. Spend intentional time in prayer this week for your marriage and your husband/wife. Reflections: What have I said recently to my spouse that seemed so small initially? What have I done recently to my spouse that seemed so small initially? What have I thought recently about my spouse that seemed so small initially? Power Verses: Proverbs 15:1, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (NIV) Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (NIV) Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NIV) © 2009 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

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Three Questions You Must Ask Before Reacting Lysa TerKeurst

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

My heart raced when I saw the number pop up on my phone. Nothing in me wanted to have this conversation. I was beyond aggravated. Hurt. Angry. And tired of being misunderstood.

I answered the call with two goals in mind — to prove how right I was and how wrong the other person was.

How do you think that conversation went?

Not well.

This conflict happened over five years ago so the rush of emotion has dissipated, and I can see more clearly how wrong my approach was.

I learned from that conflict. Hopefully, I learn something from every conflict — especially how to have better reactions. I'm so far from being in a place where I can shine my halo.

But I'm getting better.

While my initial thoughts when a conflict arises are usually those same old "I'll show you" thoughts, I've progressed by not letting those leak into my reactions.

How?

By asking myself three questions:

1. What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?

There are always two sides to every issue. And no side is perfectly right or all the way wrong.

If I make peace with the part I need to own and apologize for before the conversation, there's a greater chance I'll stay calm in the conversation. Our key verse, Proverbs 15:1, is a verse I've memorized and recall often, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

This one is hard. Really hard. But I know hurt people hurt people.

Usually the person with whom I'm having a conflict has some kind of past or current hurt in their life feeding this issue. Chances are that hurt doesn't have anything to do with me but is adding to their emotional response in this conflict.

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Softening my heart is easier if I can sympathize with the hurt I can't see. If I can duck below my pride, honor will be my reward. Proverbs 29:23 reminds us, "Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor" (NIV).

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3. If I knew this conversation was being recorded and then shared with people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?

What if I showed up to church this week and my pastor directed everyone to watch the screen for an example of a bad reaction? And then my face appeared. Have. Mercy. I. Would. Surely. Faint.

While it is highly unlikely that our conversation would be recorded and viewed, it is very likely others are watching our reaction. Children. Co-workers. Friends. But here's the one that really grabs my heart – my Jesus is very much present. Philippians 4:5 reminds us, "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near" (NIV).

Every conflict has variables that must be considered. Some conflicts have escalated to the point where professionals must be asked to help. Be mindful and prayerful about this.

But for the everyday conflicts we all have, these questions are good to consider. If we control our reactions in the short-term, we don't have to live with "reaction regret" in the long-term!

Dear Lord, I'm inviting You into my reactions today as I realign my perspective. Help me to use words and choose actions that honor You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond: Which of Lysa's three questions resonates with you the most?

Write down the accompanying Bible verse Lysa provided. Then, write three action steps you can take the next time you are faced with conflict that will implement the teaching in this verse.

Power Verses: Proverbs 18:21, "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit — you choose." (MSG)

James 1:19-20, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (NIV)

© 2014 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved. Proverbs 31 Women.