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Reader Question 1-

Help! I really need some advice. I’ve been married to my husband for a while now, and we knew each other for two years before that. I’ve always known he wasn’t the best at picking up his things or keeping his place organized, but I was hoping that might change after marriage.

That he’d be more thoughtful. After all, he was very attentive in other ways before we married, taking me out to movies and restaurants, giving me all kinds of attention and complements and being very supportive of me and who I am.

He’s romantic enough that he not only remembers our anniversary every year, but even the day he proposed and when and where. But his sloppiness is driving me crazy! He never cleans up the kitchen and IF I let him cook (which he loves to do now and then), I spend at least an hour or more cleaning up after him.

Oh! And another thing – he often blurts things out in public that totally embarrass me. This is something he didn’t do before we married. He’ll point out some girl he sees that he thinks is not dressed appropriately, say when we’re eating out, and just blurt out loud what he thinks about it – making people turn and stare.

Or, if we’re having a conversation, he’ll up and start singing some song he knows from a word or statement I’ve said. Is there a logical reason for that?? Any advice would be helpful, and thanks!

My response...


Ok. First off, even though you didn’t notice some of those behaviors while you were dating, they had to have been there. This isn’t just something that pops up out of nowhere. I’m willing to bet that, at the time, you were so wrapped up in liking what you were seeing that you overlooked them, right?

But now that you’ve been with him a while, those same little things that you manage to overlook, are becoming the same things that are driving you nuts. Unknowingly, what you did and have done is train him in a way that tells him that those things are ‘ok’ with you. You didn’t mean to do that, of course, but that’s what you did. You didn’t set boundaries and limits that covered those aspects. So, here’s what I can tell you.

When he does or says something that mortifies or embarrasses you and you’re in a public place, the best thing to do – especially if it’s really bad – is to quietly get up and leave. Don’t do that, though, until you’ve had time to talk to him about these things.

Let him know specifically what it is he does that’s embarrassing you. Whether it’s discussing or talking bad about someone in public loud enough for others to hear, or clowning around, or whatever: just let him know. Don’t nag, don’t be mean.

Then, the next time he does it, without embarrassing him, just wipe up off your face (if you’re at a restaurant), get up and leave. Sure, it will frustrate him, and you may need to remind him after you’ve left, what it is he did specifically and why you left. But eventually, as long as you’re respectful in your approach in setting this limit, he will change. It will take some time, I’m sure, but he won’t want you to be walking out on him like that.

The same goes with what he does about the singing. Stop whatever it is you’re saying, and walk away. No matter what he does to get you to talk to him, at that time, just quietly tell him something like:

Hon, I can tell you’re distracted right now, and don’t want to talk to me. I feel very frustrated when you do that, so I’m just going to


go do something else right now. It really wasn’t that important, and maybe we can discuss it later.

By doing this, you’re communicating your frustration, while at the same time, treating him with respect and consideration. If you do this enough, he will stop it.

Again, because he really doesn’t want you walking away like that. He wants you to feel comfortable and be able to talk to him. When you walk around in a way that’s not angry or frustrated, you keep your self-control. He can’t accuse you of being overly dramatic, because you’re not. That makes him think about what he’s doing.

As to the other, the not picking up after himself or helping clean. Well, again, you set yourself up for that by not setting the boundaries in your relationship early on. That’s the best time to do it. You might have said something like:

I can understand when a person lives alone that maybe it’s easy to get careless about picking up and cleaning up. I sure am glad you won’t be like that after we marry though, because I really like to keep things in order and clean. It’s so much more pleasant and cuts down on bad odors as well as the chance of bacteria, germs and bugs.

You wouldn’t have been pointing the finger at him specifically in saying something like that, but at the same time, you’d have let him know your expectations and limits in a reasonable way. If he wanted to please you, and obviously he did or he wouldn’t have popped the question that would have gone a long way into starting him thinking about changing those habits.

Then, after you married, you might need to lightly tease him a bit when he didn’t pick up something, or take dishes to the sink, etc. – but chances are, he’d have started working with you then and it wouldn’t be such an issue now.

That doesn’t mean he can’t change. He can. Just now it will take


more time and patience on your part to get it going. If you’ve been nagging and pushing and denying him things, like sex, that needs to stop – completely.

Instead, start out by telling him that it’s difficult for you to always be cleaning up and picking up after him. If he wants to cook, fine, you love his cooking – but you can’t enjoy it as much when he leaves the kitchen a wreck for you to clean up after. While he’s cooking, you might even go in and start cleaning up around him, like you’re helping out.

There’s a good chance he’ll take over and start doing it himself because few cooks like someone else in the kitchen when they’re cooking, especially when they’re messing around with what they’re doing. After the meal, you can smile as you pick up your plate and things to take to the kitchen, and give him a kiss on the cheek, thanking him for the wonderful meal and taking him by the arm, playfully pull him into the kitchen with you to help clean up.

After a while, once you show your appreciation for all this, chances are he’ll start doing it on his own. It just takes time and patience and lots of loving, sincere appreciation for every little thing he does.

The same can work on his clothes, with one small exception. If he’s really bad about tossing things on the floor and leaving them, and you’ve quietly let him know that it makes things harder for you when he does, then stop putting them up.

I’m not saying leave them on the floor – after all, they may be honestly in your way, or start smelling, or whatever. Instead, put them away; just not in the laundry or anything like that. When he asks where his clothes are, say something like:

Oh, I’m sorry. I was in such a rush that I accidentally put them into this bag of old clothes I was taking to Goodwill. I thought you didn’t want them anymore.


Or

I was in such a hurry, and I was having such trouble working around them that I just tossed them in a trash bag and put them in the garage (or wherever it is you might want to put them).

Yes, this will change what he’s doing. Why? Because obviously he won’t want to be replacing his clothes all the time, or having to dig them out of a trash bag. In this way, you are still being respectful, while setting boundaries and keeping yourself sane.

Hope this helps! And remember, you’re in control of what you accept from your man and what you won’t.

Reader Question 2-

I have loved my man for the longest time but now he tells me that he isn't in love with me anymore. How do I re-attract him?

My response...

I am sure that you must be going through a series of negative emotions right now.

Insecurity, frustration and a feeling of hopelessness are the most common during this situation but these feelings won't really bring him back. However, there are certain things you can do right away which will increase your chances of getting him back in your life. Let's discuss some of these in more detail...

Stop letting the negativity take over -

Before anything else, ensure that you don't drown yourself in negative emotions. Yes, it's really difficult when you know that your man doesn't want you the same way he used to want you in


the past but your feelings won't change anything.

The only thing which will get you some results is action. You will have to do certain things right away if you really want things to improve.

So what shall I do?

In order to attract him again, you will have to do something completely different than what you are doing right now which means that you will have to display your best self.

Do you know that you might have been doing certain things without really being aware of it which, have probably brought you to this point? Here are some of the possible reasons why he doesn't feel attraction for you anymore...

• Acting really needy. • Being a bit clingy. • Not giving him enough space. • Calling him too often. • Complaining about things. • Being negative. • Trying to change him. • Asking him to do things he isn't comfortable with.

Now in order to re-attract him, you will have to do the exact opposite of all the above behaviors.

Instead of being needy, you will have to act as if you don't really need him at all...

Yes it might be really difficult, but you will have to act as if you don't want him anymore if you really want to re-attract him. There is just no other way to do it.

Being needy isn't attractive, it sends out the message that you are just too dependent on him to feel better about yourself. And let


me assure you that no guy wants a woman like that in his life.

Instead of being clingy, you will have to completely avoid him for the time being...

It's normal to feel down and depressed during this time but it's not okay to let these feelings take over. These negative feelings can drive you towards doing all the wrong things such as - Calling him too often, telling him how much you love him, asking him to take you back etc.

You will have to display that you are strong enough to let him go and are not bothered about it that much. If you can do this, then not only will you increase your chances of getting him back, you will also feel better about yourself in the process.

Important things to keep in mind -

• It's really difficult to do the right thing when you are feeling down, but always remember that the only way to get yourself in a better position is to focus on doing the right thing even if you don't feel like it.

• It's really important to give him enough space because unless you give him space, he won't really miss you. The only way to re-attract him is to first let him go and then work on making your life better.

• Another really important thing you need to remember is that nothing is really permanent. Some women feel that they will never feel good about themselves after a man rejects them but it's only a phase and like everything else in life it shall pass too.

Reader Question 3-

My man has started taking me for granted. Will avoiding him make him attracted to me again?


My response...

Most women feel that if they make it a habit to avoid their boyfriend once in a while things will get better in their relationship.

But you see before you even think about doing something like this you should first answer a very important question which is - Why do you want to avoid him? What are your reasons for doing so?

...Is it because you feel that he isn't giving you the kind of importance you deserve?

...Is it because you fear that things have changed and maybe he doesn't like you the way he used to?

...Is it because he just doesn't seem interested in you anymore?

...Is it because he has stopped spending quality time with you like he used to do in the past?

I am sure you can list more reasons but the big problem is that there is a huge difference between avoiding him purposely and giving him space.

What you should rather focus on is giving him space, but if you avoid him expecting a certain outcome then you might only end up making things worse for you. Let me tell you why...

You can't force him into doing things for you...

If you are thinking about avoiding him just because he isn't doing certain things then you will only create more friction in your relationship.

It's the wrong mentality to adopt because what you are really telling him is that - Unless he does XYZ, you won't really stick around.


This also means that you are keeping scores which will further frustrate him. If you feel that something is missing in your relationship and maybe you need him to do something for you, then the best way to do that is to be direct and talk to him about it.

He won't magically know what you expect out of him therefore avoiding him might not really work.

It can turn into a nasty game after a while...

If you get into a habit of ignoring him any time he doesn't give you what you expect, then this can very well turn into a nasty game of manipulation after a while and will further increase the tension in your relationship.

...But does it really work?

Well in short, yes! It does work. If you start avoiding him out of the blue then he will definitely start to wonder what caused it and in the process he might even fear losing you due to which he will show an increased interest in you.

But again, you shouldn't avoid him just because you feel that things are starting to get a bit dull in your relationship or you aren't getting what you expect from him.

The only time you should avoid him should be the time when he wants some space from you, and men do need space from time to time. That should be the only time you should be away from him.

The big problem...

There are a lot of women out there who understand that if they avoid their boyfriend sometimes, things do get better. But here is the big problem with that - It doesn't make things better permanently.

He might show an increased level of interest in you momentarily but once you fall back into the same old routine again, he might


start taking you for granted once again.

Therefore, as I've already stated, the only best way to deal with this situation is to actually have a detailed conversation with him on this subject. You will have a very fulfilling relationship if you make it a habit to talk things out with him instead of avoiding him out of the blue.

Important points to remember -

• Never think that giving a man some space is the same as avoiding him. Never mix the two.

• Don't turn your relationship into a game. Never avoid your man just because he isn't living up to your expectations. Make it a habit to talk about your issues with him instead of avoiding him.

• Men need freedom once in a while, therefore once you sense that he is indirectly asking for some space; make it a point to let him have it.

Reader Question 4-

I have been dating this guy on & off for about a year now & he wants to take things to the next level. But I am not so sure about it, please help?

My response...

I am sure you have heard several stories about women who fall for a guy and after a few months into the relationship realize that he wasn't the right one and that's the time when everything becomes just too hard to handle.

So I am guessing that you are stuck in a mental cycle of confusion and aren't sure whether the man you are with is even right for you or not.


Well, worry not! It's a good thing that you are actually questioning your scenario at the moment as the more you wait, the worse it might get. Here are some useful insights you can use to finally figure out if he is right for you or not...

How do you feel around him? Feelings will reflect the truth...

How do you feel around him most of the time? Do you feel fulfilled, joyful and satisfied most of the time or do you consistently feel down, misunderstood and frustrated?

The feelings you experience around a man will be a very good indicator of whether you are in a nourishing relationship or a toxic one. Because if you consistently experience negative emotions around him then there is something wrong for sure.

In such a situation you have two options, the first one being to talk things out with him and discuss all the areas which need critical attention in your relationship.

Or, if he isn't getting your point of view and is still sticking to his own then you two weren't compatible enough to start with and your relationship will end sooner or later as he isn't the right one for you.

Do you fully accept each other?

Have you fully accepted your man and does he fully accept you? Are you two completely comfortable with each other or are you two always trying to change each other?

There are many couples out there where both the partner's try to control each other and in the process they create a lot of friction and negative feelings in the relationship.

If you have always struggled to accept your man the way he is, and have always found yourself making efforts to change him in one way or the other then he isn't right for you. You would be better


off going for a man who you can fully accept even with his flaws.

Where do you see your relationship going 5 years down the road?

Can you imagine a future with this man? Where do you see this relationship going 5 years down the road? Can you imagine it being better or do you fear that it might get worse?

If you feel doubtful about this and aren't really sure where the relationship will be in 5 years from now then this is a very good indicator of how well you really know your man.

If you two were compatible and good for each other, you will have no doubts about the future and will know that things will be far better than what they are at the moment. But if you are doubtful then this is a clear indicator that maybe you are with the wrong man.

Points to remember -

• If you mostly feel good and positive around a guy then he is right for you but if you consistently feel negative and poor around a guy then you are in the company of the wrong man. You would be far better if you let him go.

• A good relationship is a result of a good mutual understanding and compatibility. If you feel that you two don't really share a good level of understanding and are sort of just surviving with each other then he is not the right one for you and you will have to end it sooner or later.

Reader Question 5-

My man says he isn't ready for commitment yet, what do I do?


My response...

Well prepare yourself for some emotional torture. Do you know that all humans want certainty in life especially when it comes to their relationships but nothing can be more difficult than having to deal with a guy who just can't make up his mind about you!

Now the big question is - How do you deal with him? Will he ever commit? Will he ever finally make up his mind? How long will it take?

You see these questions will always be there. But the biggest question is - Should you even be around when he can't make up his mind? Let's get into a bit more detail here...

If it's been really long then it's probably a "NO" -

Sounds awful but this might be the truth in your case and some day you will have to accept it. Now I am not saying that there are no exceptions to this.

Yes, there are men out there who do change their mind after a few years but that doesn't mean that every man is like that.

Really think about it - If a man has doubts about you in his mind right now, what makes you say that those doubts will go away with time? In fact! Do you know that in most cases a man gets even more doubtful with the passage of time?

Is there something I can do to convince him?

Well NO! There isn't anything you can do to convince him. If he really wants to be with you, he will do it. But if he doesn't, he will always have one excuse after another.


So honestly speaking you would be wasting your time if you are planning to convince him to commit to you. And at the end you will only end up with even more frustration.

So what's the solution?

The only solution to this situation is to give your man a lot of space. You should stop calling him completely for the time being. Do not do any of the routine stuff you normally do around him.

You must let him know that you aren't okay with the fact that you have to stick around him when he can't even make up his mind about you. The faster you do this the better it's going to be.

One of the two things are going to happen after you start avoiding him...Either he will want you more than before and will want to commit to you.

Or he will not be bothered at all with your move and will act as if nothing happened.

If he isn't really bothered, then it's more than obvious that he didn't want to be with you to start with and was only keeping you around till the time he found someone else.

You can't cure his commitment phobia -

Again, it's really important that you understand this. You can't sit around a guy in hopes that you can cure his commitment phobia and can make him change his mind about you.

Guys who are commitment phobic have deep rooted insecurities attached with the topic of commitment.

The only best way is to let him go and find someone who wants to commit.



• Life is limited therefore don't waste your time on someone who doesn't even want to be with you. Go for someone who wants the same thing as you do.

• The process is very simple - If he truly loves you, then he would be more than willing to commit and if he doesn't then there is no real point in being with him because your relationship won't really get anywhere.

• If you don't end things now and still want to stick around in hopes that he might change his mind then you are only setting yourself up for a lot of pain. There are things in life you can change and then there are things you simply can't change. You can't change his mind about you therefore don't waste your time in trying to do so.

Reader Question 6-

My boyfriend mistreats me & even insults me on certain occasions. How do I make him respect me?

My response...

Before I get to anything else, let me first tell you why you are in this position right now. If your man doesn't give you the right treatment then it's not really his fault. Yes this might be a bit shocking but it's still the truth.

We train others on how they should behave around us. In short, we are the ones who determine how someone else would treat us. If your man isn't giving you the right treatment then you have directly or indirectly rewarded his poor behavior. Let me explain


this in more detail...

Boundaries need to be set early...

Do you know that it's really important to first have certain boundaries and a solid set of standards? If there are a few things you personally will never let a man do then it's really important that you make that absolutely clear to him early on.

Some women are so much under the influence of attraction that they let the man do almost anything he pleases and in the process he sort of gets trained. He starts to think that whatever he is doing around you is completely fine and you are okay with it.

Although internally you might not be okay with it at all.

Learn to punish the bad behavior and reward the good behavior...

Always remember that he is very likely to keep repeating the bad behavior unless you form a habit of punishing him at the right time.

For example - let's say that you aren't okay with the fact that he never calls you and you always have to call him. In such a scenario this is what you should do...

• First tell him that you don't like the fact that you have to be the one who always has to call.

• And second, let him know that you aren't really going to call him at all from this point on, and you will only talk when he wants to call.

At the same time make it a point to first stick to the above two rules and then try to ignore him for the next few days. Doing this will send out a very strong signal.


And in the process you are softly punishing him due to which this whole thing will stick in his mind and he will make it a point to call you more often.

At the same time make it a point to reward any good behavior which comes from his end. For example if you want him to take you out more often, then try this - Every time he takes you out say the following to him -

"John! You are such a wonderful boyfriend. I don't think there are many men out there who work this hard to keep their girlfriend pleased. I am blessed to have you."

And now, he will take you out even more because every time he does, he gets a reward in the form of a compliment.

Important points -

• If you want him to treat you the way you deserve then first you need to start punishing him for his bad behavior. Next, let him know what kind of behavior you really expect from him and make it a point to not settle for anything less.

• A relationship has to be mutually beneficial and it's important for both the partners to give each other the right treatment. Never be a string along just because you fear losing him. It's always better to keep your self respect instead of losing it in order to keep him.

Reader Question 7-

My boyfriend is extremely insecure & always tries to control me. I have told him to stop this behavior but it's not working. Any advice would be great. Thanks!


My response...

In the simplest of terms insecurity is a state of mind where one doesn't feel good enough. The problem is that if you are stuck with a guy who is highly insecure then your relationship is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.

You will always see him getting extremely possessive and jealous most of the time to the point where he might constantly suspect that you are cheating on him.

And he will always struggle to deal with any sort of a disagreement between the two of you. Even the simplest of things would be taken as a personal attack by him, which can make things a lot difficult for you.

Now let's discuss what you can do in order to deal with him...

It's not you, it's him -

It's really important that you get this right away. Never take any responsibility for anyone else's behavior even if it's your own boyfriend.

You see insecurity isn't something one develops overnight. It's normally a result of series of events which occurred in a person's life.

Troubled childhood, lack of love from parents, unrealistic expectations, lack of acceptance in social environments etc might be some contributing factors.

And here is the important bit - You can't fix him. All you can really do is talk to him about this. You see, you can't make him feel a certain way or feel more confident towards things. He will have to work on it, not you.


It's time to openly talk to him -

You will have to be very direct about certain things with him right away. Waiting might only make it worse because the more you ignore certain behaviors from him the more he will do them.

Because when you ignore something which you disagree with, the other person gets the indication that you are okay with it and its fine if he repeats it.

Therefore the next time your boyfriend does something that you disagree with, talk to him about it openly. Try something along the lines of...

"John, I really love you and I really want our relationship to be fulfilling for both of us. That's why I need to let you know that it really hurts me when you behave like this."

What if he still continues to act insecure?

Well, in that case you can't really do much. It's not something which is within your control. The best thing you can really do is talk to him about it and work on some possible solutions but if he isn't open to all that then there would be no point in pushing him.

If he really wants to be with you, then he would be willing to make all the necessary adjustments in his life to make it work.

It will end sooner or later -

One of the biggest problems of insecure people is that they struggle to maintain a healthy long term relationships. The type of relationships they have always involve a lot of drama in one way or another.

If your boyfriend has shown no signs of change then it's an absolute certainty that your relationship will end sooner or later.

Important points -


• Don't try to change him because that would be a complete waste of time. People won't change because you want them to change, they will only change when they are ready to change.

• Never reward any kind of bad behavior. When you ignore something you are indirectly showing your boyfriend the green flag. You are letting him know that it's okay if he repeats the bad behavior once again.

• If things aren't getting better as you expected then what's the whole point of even being with him? If there is no progress whatsoever, then you are only wasting your life on something which is never going to work out.

Reader Question 8-

He wants space & I am scared that he is done with me. What do I do?

My response...

So he finally said it! And let me make a wild guess here - you are freaking out? It's normal to freak out. It's normal to fear the worst because men have a tendency to get distant even when everything seems normal.

They just do this out of the blue and it can surprise anyone. So my first advice to you would be this - DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH.

It's completely normal for a man to get distant and ask for space. But here is the main issue - Some women do not get why a man would want to get distant all of a sudden and in the process they end up making some very drastic mistakes which worsens their situation.

Here is a list of things you should never do:

...Never act sad or desperate when he asks you to give him some space.


...Don't ask him to explain why he wants space because you will never get a satisfactory answer.

...Don't ask him if he is thinking about breaking up with you.

...Don't ask him about how long he is going to stay away from you.

...Don't push yourself on him when he is trying to get distant. Let him have his space.

Women become extremely insecure even at the thoughts of being away from their man. In their mind they imagine the worst possible outcome and feel that maybe things might end.

Here is the truth - Things might not be as bad as you are assuming them to be but if you act desperate or needy then your worst nightmare might come true.

Take this as a test. Demonstrate to him that you are emotionally strong and don't really need his support. You are someone who will let him have his space and won't bug him at all unless he decides to come back himself.

Here is a list of things you must do when he asks you for space...Let him know that you agree with his decision and you need some space too in order to figure some things out. Let him know that it's OK if he wants to be away from you.

Try to be very casual about it and don't sound surprised. Act as if you expected this.

Let him know that there are a lot of things you have been wanting to do but haven't been able to do it yet. And let him know that this will be a good opportunity for you to do those things.

Make it sound as if it's a good thing that he is asking for space. Act as if you needed some space from him as well but were scared to ask him. This will gently knock him of his high horse and he will feel a bit rejected.

Make it absolutely certain that you do not contact him in any way, shape or form unless he contacts you first. Let him miss you. There is a famous saying which goes - It's not really about what happens to you, but the only thing that matters is what you do


about what happens to you.

The way you behave and tackle this situation will determine whether he will really come back to you or not. Therefore, make it a point to follow all the above instructions strictly and put it into action right away.

Reader Question 9-

He clearly said he doesn't want a relationship with me. So should I just be friends with him?

My response...

Well, it's never an easy decision when you want a relationship and he doesn't. It's never easy to deal with the pain of knowing that maybe things might not go as you planned.

But, the big question still remains - Should you still be friends with him? Here are some useful tips for you...

Can you really accept him as a friend?

You should first ask yourself whether you can even stick around him as a friend or not. Being friends is completely different than being in a relationship. It's more casual and things might not be as intense as you expected them to be.

At the same time you really need to figure out your reasons behind sticking around as just a friend. If you feel that some day he might change his mind about you and will magically start to see you as a potential lover then you are only setting yourself up for massive pain.

Don't be his friend in case you want to convince him to accept you as a lover, it might not happen ever and you will only be stuck in the cycle of constant pain and frustration.


Vital points -

• Only take the friendship route if you are ready to accept that you might not ever be in a relationship with him.

• If you still have feelings towards him which you can't seem to get rid of then it's better to end things than to be just friends.

Temporary pain Vs long term pain...

The decision is completely in your hands. You have to decide whether you want to remain in pain forever or do you want to get rid of it once and for all.

Most women are confused in this department, they tend to take shortcuts and end up doing all the things they shouldn't do expecting things to get better, but this always backfires and things end up getting worse.

Therefore another important thing you need to keep in mind is to first figure out exactly what type of feelings you are experiencing and make a decision based on those feelings.

For example, take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions as a yes or a no...

Q1 - Do I still have intense feelings for him?

Q2 - Will being friends with him cause me pain or pleasure in the long run?

Q3 - Will I be able to accept the fact that he might date other people while I am still a friend?

Q4 - Will being his friend benefit me or harm me?

And really think about all your answers. In case, you can clearly sense that being his friend will only cause you more pain than pleasure in the long run then it's highly recommended that you end


things right away.

Vital points -

• Don't do anything under the influence of emotions. If you still have feelings for him then you might be driven towards taking anything which comes your way. Don't be his friend just because you still want him around, this will only make everything more painful.

• You can't convince him to get into a relationship with you therefore try to convince yourself that it might not happen at all. After all, the only person you can control is yourself.

• If you end things right now then you will only suffer temporary pain but if you become his friend expecting that some day you will get what you want then you have only set yourself up for permanent pain.

Reader Question 10-

I constantly obsesses over a guy. How do I control my urges?

My response...

First thing - It's not normal to be obsessed...

No it's really not. No matter what others might tell you, if you think about someone all the time to the point where it drives you crazy then there is definitely a problem you need to work on.

And this problem has nothing to do with the guy in question but it has everything to do with you. You really need to work on yourself before everything gets completely out of control.

Why is it toxic to be obsessed?

People put their whole life on hold when they are obsessed with


someone. They have no idea how big of an impact this can have on their life in general.

Where does this feeling of obsession come from...

It basically develops when you know you can't have the guy. Your mind isn't ready to accept the fact that he won't like you the way you want him to and in the process gives you this very negative feeling.

Now in order to get rid of this negative feeling a person starts doing all the things they believe will help them which include obsessively calling the guy in question, stalking him and even trying to spy on him.

This will usually push the guy even further away and you will again be left with the same old negative feeling once again.

How do I get rid of this nasty feeling?

It's not going to be easy, let me be very honest about it right here. There isn't a button you can press and magically make the guy disappear from your thoughts.

What you can actually do is stop doing all the things which harm or hurt you. With time these negative internal feelings will start to go away and you will start feeling much better once again.

Here is what you can do...

Get a sheet of paper and keep track of your thoughts. Try to do it in the following format -

...I feel like checking his face book right now. Should I do it?

...If I do it, will it make me feel good or bad?

...If you know that it will make you feel bad, then ask yourself - What is something else I do can with my time right now which will help me?

And list all possible things for example -


Go out for a walk. Call a friend or a family member. Do some pending work which hasn't been done yet. Cook a meal. Walk the dog.

Anything you can think of. Just put it all down on a piece of paper. After you are done with the list, you will instantly have a lot to do on your plate.

Carry on this exercise every time you get urges to do anything which makes you feel negative or bad. After a few days your obsessive thoughts will go away and you won't feel obsessed anymore.

Important note -

During this exercise you will still get obsessive thoughts and that will be the time when you will have to make a solid decision on what you really want to do.

If you give in to these urges and start doing all the things you used to do before then you will again find yourself in the same black hole of negative emotions. The only way out of this is to take positive action towards the right path. Therefore make sure that you stick to this plan.

Reader Question 11-

I have a lot of conflict in my relationship. Me and my husband just can't stop fighting. What should we do?

My response...

Here are some possible reasons why you have so much conflict...

Possible Reason #1 - You want to alter your man...

This can be a huge problem in any relationship. Not just for the


woman but for the man as well. Really hear me out there! Most women do not understand this at all.

In the female world offering advice or suggestions is considered as an act of love and kindness. But in the male world it's considered to be the exact opposite of it. Men hate any advice or suggestion unless they directly asked for it.

One of two things will happen any time you attempt to offer advice -

Either he will instantly fight in the form of an argument or he will flight by completely avoiding you and will go into his little shell.

Both the scenarios aren't healthy.

A lot of women do it unknowingly and don't understand why their man gets distant when they are just trying to talk to him. They fail to see the bigger picture & don't understand what they are really doing.

In the man's mind when you offer him advice or even tell him to do something a certain way he starts to feel -

1- Rejected - Because by offering advice you are telling him that he is doing something wrong. Which is a big blow to his ego.

2- Unappreciated - He starts to feel that maybe you are indirectly telling him that he isn't good enough.

3- Controlled - Now this is the big one! Men value their freedom more than anything and would like to make up their own mind before they do something. They don't want to be told what to do even if you know they need help.

So you are offering advice thinking that it will help him but he assumes that you are trying to control him and will become super


stubborn which will create a lot of friction between the two of you.

Solution -

Share what you feel without offering any advice or asking him to change. Here is a good example -

If your man is upset about something & you aren't sure what it is. Instead of asking him too many questions about it & then trying offer advice on what he should or shouldn't do just say the following...

"Honey! I can see you are stressed right now therefore I will just leave you alone for a while. Please know that I am around whenever you need me."

And keep it at that.

By doing this you have given him enough space to unwind on his own & have proven that you don't want to control or alter him in any way.

Possible Reason #2 - You are communicating your intentions or feelings in the wrong way...

Do you get super frustrated when he is always distracted when you are trying to tell him something and want him to hear you out?

And consequently do you end up arguing by calling him out on his behavior? Here is something you need to understand - Men aren't going to change & become everything you want them to be overnight.

In your world - You are telling him that the cause of your frustration is something that he should or shouldn't do. And you want him to really do something about it.


But in his eyes - He just feels that you are being overly dramatic and punishes you by getting distant.

Get this - You just can't change the way nature made them. You can't alter their basic make up.

What you should rather do is try to understand why men do what they do, and how to get your point across in a way which will make him "Get it".

Solution -

Instead of trying to convince him to feel a certain way or see the situation the way you see it by arguing, nagging or forcing your views on him. You can adopt a different approach.

Just by making slight changes in the way you talk to him...You can get what you want.

Here is an example -

If you have been dying to spend some quality time with your man but he always seems to be busy here is an approach you can try...Say the following to him -

"John! I really appreciate how hard you work to keep me happy. I am really glad to have a man like you in my life. I am sorry if I was a bit harsh on you the other day...I was frustrated because I miss the special moments we used to share together. I would really like you to spend some time with me like we did in the past. I am really sorry if I said anything which hurt you. I honestly didn't mean it."

By saying the above you have not only communicated your message effectively but now he will be ten times more likely to hear you out and will be more receptive towards you in the future.


Points To Remember -

– You can't force your man to feel a certain way just because you want him to. Drop the illusion that you can some day change him to match your needs. This is the root cause of most conflicts in any relationship.

– Men crave appreciation, acceptance and freedom. Learn to give them all three.

– He can't see your side of the story when you are trying to force your opinion on him. Negotiate in a way which shows him that you understand his side of the story & don't want him to change. Learn to present your view in a non-judgmental manner & he will happily give you what you want.

Reader Question 12-

What do men want in a relationship? Why are they so puzzling?

My response...

It's funny how women compare men to a crossword puzzle. They assume that men are so mysterious in their ways that they have to apply some special formula to solve the so called mystery. But again that's not the case.

There is no need to feel hopeless here. The primary reason why women face disappointment in this area is because what they think men want in a relationship is not what men actually want.

Yes that's right! What you presently believe about what a man wants from you might be the very thing which is creating a lot of friction between the two of you.

Let me give you some clear cut tips on what guys really want in a


relationship. Apply these in your relationship and your man will give you everything you want...

Step #1 - Men want to feel good and there is a way to do it...

Do you know why some women always get to attract and keep the perfect guy yet others struggle? What do these women understand which the rest don't?

You see! These women understand something about men which most other women usually ignore. We all want to feel good about ourselves right? So do men! Sounds simple so far?

Wait! It's not really that simple. Because if it was a lot of women out there would know how to use this to their advantage; and would already be in great loving relationships. But both you and I know that's not the case for a lot of women out there.

Every man wants to feel valuable in a relationship and the best way to do that is to show him regular appreciation. Women do not understand the power of this but it can be the very difference between a sweet loving relationship and a messy one.

Men need to be reminded time and time again of how much you really appreciate being around them. And a good way to do it is to use the following words around him once in a while...

"I really appreciate all the things you do to make me feel good. I am blessed to have a boyfriend/husband like you in my life."

"I really love everything you have done for me. You are a great boyfriend/husband. I know you will never do anything which will hurt me."

Not only will this make your man feel good being with you but it will also make sure that he will follow through will all his little and big commitments towards you.


Step #2 - Let him know that he isn't locked in a cage! Set him completely FREE...

Do you know what men really hate in a relationship? They absolutely hate it when they are stuck with a woman who is just too demanding. Now in your world you might feel that you aren't that demanding but in his world he is feeling like he is locked in a cage.

Ever had one of those moments where no matter what you said your boyfriend/husband just wasn't ready to listen to you? And did it lead to a bitter argument where he just started getting more and more distant?

Now in your view you might be thinking that if he was a good boyfriend/husband he should be concerned about your needs and shouldn't behave like this.

But in his world you are only being a super annoying, nagging girlfriend/wife who doesn't really have any concern for his own feelings.

So do you see now how it can be really difficult to handle for both the partners? If you want something from your partner there is a way you can use to get the message through to him.

Let's say for example you want him to take you out and you know he is usually busy...Now either you can force him to do it...For example -

You - Can we please go out today?

Him - No! I am busy.

You - As usual! You are always damn busy. You never have time for me.

Him - Can't you see I work so hard to keep you comfortable? You


are so unappreciative.

You - Whatever!

And end of story...

Here is the right way to do it...Instead of just asking him to take you out and then getting angry when he says no...Try the following line...

"Honey! I know you have been really busy lately and I know you do this to give me a comfortable life. I was thinking that maybe we can go out tonight as I miss the times when we used to have our little special moments together. I completely understand if it's not possible today. After all work should always come first."

And then check his response. I can almost positively say that you are twice as more likely to get a positive response from him when you use the above statement.

You see if you ask him out and expect him to take you out...he feels somewhat pressured. But when you ask him to take you out yet you let him know that you are completely OK if he says no. That's when he doesn't feel any pressure and is more likely to say yes.


– Men aren't a big puzzle you need to solve. They are pretty simple if you actually pay close attention.

– If there is too much conflict in your relationship then your beliefs about what men want in a relationship might be wrong.

– Men crave appreciation. Let them know that you think highly of them and respect them. And they will give you everything you want.


– The saying which goes - "If you really love someone you should set him free" is true. Don't demand anything rather gently request and he will follow through with your request.

Reader Question 13-

How do I know if he is right for me & is good boyfriend material?

My response...

In order to determine this you have to ask yourself 2 important questions...

Question #1 - Is he open with his feelings?

There are two categories of men out there -

1- Emotionally mature.

2- Emotionally immature.

Men who are emotionally mature are very open about their feelings and won't mind sharing what they feel about you openly. They will also discuss deeper relationship issues very openly and will be more than eager to discuss where the relationship is headed.

Emotionally immature men on the other hand are very; closed about their feelings because they're basically confused. They don't really know whether they want a relationship or not.

You see these are the men who would keep a woman around till the time they find someone better. And even if they do find someone better they are still not sure about where they want things to go.

How to identify an emotionally immature man -


– An emotionally immature man will go into his shell every time you try to discuss anything which involves his feelings. He will always be reluctant to talk about serious relationship issues.

– An emotionally immature man will always send out mixed signals. One moment you will feel like he wants you and another moment he will act as if he doesn't even like you.

– An emotionally immature man will always find it difficult to effectively communicate with you. You will always feel a great deal of difficulty when trying to get your point across to him.

If you are stuck with an emotionally immature man then your best bet is to let things go for the time being. Let him sort out his feelings and figure out what he really wants before you take things further.

Question #2 - Are you two compatible enough? Do you share a common purpose?

Do you know where women actually make the big mistake? It's when they fall for a guy and decide to have a relationship with him just based on attraction.

It's that impulse of the moment where everything feels right. But the problem is that attraction doesn't last. This is the reason why so many couples after a few days of dating decide to live together only to realize later on that they can't stand each other.

It's very important to first determine what your man wants out of a relationship and then figure out if it matches your purpose.

If you are with a man who isn't ready for a relationship but you still hang around anyway thinking that some day he will change his


mind then you are waiting for a disaster to happen.

Having a common purpose is really important which means if you want a relationship then your man should want the same. If he wants casual things and isn't really sure about whether he wants a future with you or not then he isn't good boyfriend material.

You would be better off finding someone who wants what you want.


– Your choice of a man will determine your level of emotional well being. Being with the wrong guy can negatively affect all areas of your life. Therefore choose wisely.

– Emotionally immature men might be fun to be with at first but will give you a lot of pain in the long term. Emotionally mature men might be boring to be with at first but will give you a lot of pleasure in the long term.

– Don't get into a relationship only because you are attracted to a man. Attraction is like a bubble gum. It's all sweet when you chew it for the first few minutes but after that it's tasteless.

– Compatibility is the main factor which determines the length of a relationship. Couples who are compatible lead a more fulfilling life filled with joy and satisfaction in comparison to non-compatible couples who got into a relationship just because they were attracted to each other.

Reader Question 14-

What Do I Always Fall for Men Who Aren't Into Me? I am tired of men who use me & then run away.


My response...

If you are constantly finding yourself in the company of men who don't like you back then you are making certain mistakes without the realization that you are making them. That's why it's really important that you do something about it right away before it hurts you more.

Here are some useful keys which will help you figure out why you keep falling for men who don't like you back and what you can do in order to get out of this painful circle...

The Big Reason - You are not reading their true intentions properly...

The key is to see men for what they really are and that's the hardest part. A lot of women assume that if a man is checking them out or finds them attractive then maybe he is hinting that he would like to be in a relationship with them.

Which; is completely false.

You see here is how it normally goes -

You are at a party and can see this hot guy standing across the room. He is directly staring at you and you can see that he is also interested in you. He comes over...You two start chatting.

Everything seems great. You are having an absolute blast...Then he takes your phone number and promises to call you back. He calls you...takes you out on another date. You have a great time, he drops you back to your place and you kiss him goodnight. But he doesn't want to stop there.

He wants to take things further. He wants to come in. Internally you know that you need to say no to this as it might be a bit too early but the impulse of the moment is so strong that you just can't stop him and you two end up sleeping together.


So far so good right? Not really.

This is where it all gets a bit messy. Now you find yourself endlessly calling him only to find out that he isn't really interested in you the way you were interested in him. And this is where the drama ends.

And here is how the circle works -

– You assumed that he wanted a relationship just because he was physically attracted to you.

– After he slept with you he got what he wanted and now he isn't showing the same level of interest in you anymore.

– You feel even more insecure because now his level of attraction towards you has dropped substantially & you can't figure out why.

– You start chasing him more and he starts avoiding you more.

It's normal human nature to want the things which we can't easily have. Let me break it down again for you -

When you like a guy but he doesn't like you back two things happen -

1- You feel rejected.

2- You don't get his validation.

Rejection is one of the worst possible things a human can go through therefore the instant reaction of the mind is to do everything to either avoid rejection completely or change the situation.

And this is where some women try to convince the guy to like them by doing special things or treating him ultra nice which


doesn't really work.

The next thing you aren't getting from him is validation. This means that somewhere down the line he is saying that maybe you aren't good enough for him due to which your self-esteem takes a huge hit.

And in order to recover from this hit you try to again seek his validation and in the process chase him around.

The real solution -

You have to understand that if you keep falling for men who don't really like you back then it's not the man's fault. Yes this is a bit difficult to understand but you really need to get this.

You can't make a man react a certain way or do things only because you want him to do them. Similarly you can't make him feel a certain way towards you when he has already rejected you.

I am not saying it's completely impossible. Sure there are things you can do to get his affection. But we aren't on that subject today.

Here is what you must do -

– Don't put the guy on a pedestal only because you feel that he is cute. It's always important to take things slow and don't ever give him more value than he actually deserves.

– Don't give him easy sex. Sure it might all feel right in the impulse of the moment but getting physical with him too early can be a big mistake.

– If a guy tells you that he likes you and is attracted to you then it doesn't mean that he wants a relationship with you. Don't confuse his liking for deeper attraction.


– If you find yourself obsessing over a guy, calling him more, trying to figure out what he is up to then you have clearly fallen for him. Stop yourself right there and control your emotions. You shouldn't make any efforts towards him unless he is already into you.

Reader Question 15-

Is it possible to change a man?

My response...

He won't change because you want him to. He will only change when he is ready.

First of all please understand - You don't control his mind, you don't run his life and you can't make him do things unless he personally wants to do them.

He is another human being and his life decisions will be completely out of your control just like your life decisions are completely out of his control.

Sure both of you can influence each other but that doesn't mean that one or both of you will do everything exactly as the other partner pleases.

If you are sitting there hoping that some day your man will change for you then you are knocking on the wrong door. And here is the big thing - Men do sometimes change but often that change is short lived.

Very soon they return back to their old behavior. Again I am not saying that all men are like this. There are men out there who do change for their partner but it's not very common.


So can a woman really change a man? Well in one word - NO! And even if she does attempt it's going to be one big hill climb and in the end the reward might not be what she expected. Here is why...

You will always feel unhappy if you depend on him to make you happy...

It's normal to have expectations from your partner, it's normal to look up to them for a lot of things but the big problem is this - Some women completely depend on their partner for emotional satisfaction and always find themselves in constant pain because of it.

Here is some truth for you - A relationship can never make you happy.

I am sure you've heard this before a million times but this statement is extremely significant.

Your partner can't do everything exactly as you want him to therefore there will be some disappointment along the way. And you just can't change that.

The only way to be happy in a relationship is to first accept that your partner has flaws and will do things you don't like or agree with. It's just a normal part of being in a relationship. If you can't handle this truth then you will always end up with unhappiness and disappointment.

Important points -

A woman can not change a man to match her preferences. Even if a man does change temporarily he will always return back to his old self sooner or later. It's better to change yourself and accept that your partner wouldn't change instead of wasting energy on trying to change him.

If you are constantly trying to change your man then the


whole foundation of your relationship is already flawed. A relationship only works when two partners accept each other the way they are. The moment you try to change your man you can start counting the days before your relationship ends.

If you believe that when your man will change life is going to be so much better then you are day dreaming. Life won't get better when your man will change, it will actually get better when you change.

Don't give your emotional power away by depending on him too much for happiness. True happiness only comes from the inside and not anything outside of you. Therefore first find that within you, because once you do, you won't seek it from outside sources.

Reader Question 16-

I really like this guy at work. How do I impress him?

My response...

When we like someone we expect them to like us back right? Isn't that just common human nature?

And if we aren't sure if the other person likes us we naturally try to do things in order to win them over.

But does it always work? Well sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. Let me first start out by discussing why it doesn't work. Here are some of the common false beliefs women have when it comes to the subject of "Impressing guys".

The best way to impress a guy is to tell him how much you like him, compliment him and if you do it all right eventually he will be flattered and will like you back.

If you want to win a guy over then you must act really nice


around him and give him everything he wants or else you might upset him.

If you want to impress a guy you must learn how to make a guy completely comfortable around you. That's why it's important to figure out what he likes first and then do those things.

All these so called tactics don't really work in all situations...Sure they might work in some cases and might even get you temporary results but you won't achieve anything solid if you have the above mentioned beliefs.

In fact! Most of it will only work against you...Here is why...

By making attempts to impress him you are indirectly saying that you don't feel that you are on the same level as him and feel that he is more attractive due to which you need to impress him.

You are telling him that he is beyond your reach due to which you need to do things in order to win him over.

This is why it's not a big surprise when women constantly get rejected when they follow some of the above theories.

Now let me share with you what you should rather do...

I'll give you a big secret...Ready? Ok...Here it is -

STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS HIM. PERIOD!

When you follow the mentality that you need to impress him in order to win him over you have automatically handed him the power to reject you. You have already told him that you like him more than he likes you and he has the power to reject you now.

Men are only impressed by women who never make any attempts


to impress a guy. Let me break this down a bit more for you...

Would you naturally do it or is it just being done to impress a guy?

Really think about it. Try and monitor your actions around a guy you like and try to figure out if you are doing any of the things you won't normally do. Next ask yourself why you are doing them?

A lot of women subconsciously get into the "I need to impress him" mode and end up doing a lot of things they won't normally do in order to win him over.

Women assume that unless they alter their present personality they might not be able to impress a guy. But here is a twist - Do you know that a guy can sense when you are trying to win him over and when you aren't?

And once he can sense that you are making attempts to win him over he will certainly not be impressed.

Learn to detach yourself from the outcome -

If you really want to win a guy over then you need to detach yourself from the outcome. Which means; you have to stop worrying about who likes you and who doesn't.

That's the time when guys will really start to like you. When you aren't bothered about making someone else like you, you won't make any artificial efforts to win a guy over and you will only present your natural authentic self which will make you the most attractive person around.

Important points -

Get rid of all your needy habits. Guys are never impressed when you try really hard to win them over. They are only impressed when you never make any attempts to impress


them.

If you find yourself doing certain things you won't normally do and saying certain things you won't normally say around a guy then you have given your power away. You don't have to alter your personality to match anyone else's preferences. Learn to be yourself.

When you aren't worried about what the world thinks of you that's when you are truly free. And that's when your true personality will shine. Therefore learn to detach yourself from the outcome.

Reader Question 17-

I am not sure about his feelings towards me. Should I ask him how he feels about me?

My response...

It can be really scary even thinking about asking him how he feels about you. But when you are stuck in a state of confusion where you aren't sure how he feels towards you, what should you do?

Here are some things you must consider...

Hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst...

If you are planning to ask him the big question then it's really important that you first prepare yourself for the worst because he could say something which might not please you at all or maybe even something you weren't expecting.

Now let's go back to the big question - So should you ask him? Well, I would say asking him isn't really a good idea.

Because the moment you ask him how he feels about you, you are


indirectly giving him the power.

What you are really saying is this - I really like you and I hope you like me back too.

No matter how tempting it is, you should never be the first one to ask him how he actually feels about you.

When he really has feelings towards you, he will let you know in one way or another...

Here is the thing - A guy will let you know how he feels about you either directly or indirectly if he truly has feelings for you. He will never hold it back even if he is the most, shy person out there.

This doesn't mean that he will directly come up to you and will tell you how he really feels about you. But his actions will do all the talking...He will -

Spend more time with you. He will try to keep you happy. He will always try to impress you. He will always be there for you. He will call you regularly. He will get jealous if you talk to other guys. He will be possessive towards you.

These are only a few signs which will make it absolutely clear to you that he has special feelings for you.

And here is the kicker...

Asking him might scare him away...

Men hate it when women chase them or act needy towards them. Because in their world they take this as a threat to their freedom...If you ask him how he feels about you, he might start thinking -

Is she already looking for a relationship? I am not even


ready for it yet. Why is she trying to rush things? Why is she pushing me to tell her how I feel? What are her expectations?

Therefore you are very likely to get either a confusion answer or no answer at all because asking him means you are putting him under immense pressure.

And at the same time you will also convey insecurity and neediness which are very unattractive traits due to which he is very likely to form a negative opinion about you.


If he really likes you, he will make it obvious to you in one way or another and you won't be confused over the question of whether he likes you or not.

If you haven't seen any signs that indicate that he likes you so far then it's useless to ask him. It might only worsen an already bad situation.

If you have already made the mistake of asking him and he hasn't given you a clear answer, then he doesn't really have serious feelings about you. It's bitter but that's something you will have to accept.

Reader Question 18-

I have a friend & we are only sex buddies. But lately he is acting like we are in a relationship. How do I handle this? Any advice?

My response...

This is happening because - He is confused about his feelings...


I am sure you are aware that attraction isn't a choice. It's not something one can choose, therefore if a guy is treating you like a girlfriend but at the same time only claims that he wants to remain friends with benefits then this means that he is in deep conflict within himself.

His logical brain is telling him that it's better to remain friends with benefits but his emotional brain is telling him that he should be with you.

So what part of the brain wins in this battle? Well the logical brain will win on some days and the emotional brain will win on other days. But there isn't going to be a conclusive decision.

That's why you will always see him getting distant on some days and then acting as if you two are already a couple on other days.

Sometimes people only want things as long as they can't have it...

And once they get it, they don't want it anymore. Therefore since you two are presently friends with benefits he knows that you aren't exclusively dating him. Which probably bother's him.

He knows that you can go out any time and date any other guy whenever you please or maybe you are already doing it. And this can cause him to feel a lot of attraction towards you which goes beyond just being physical.

And it's a well known fact that we want things which are beyond our reach or which we don't presently have.

It's time to make everything clear to him...

If you can clearly see that he is acting super possessive towards you and is already treating you like his official girlfriend then you have to let him know that this isn't a part of the deal.


If you really like him and, want him to be with you, then you should let him know in a very direct way that you would like things to go beyond what already exists. If he agrees to it, then it's good. But if he still isn't sure then it's really important that you draw the line right there.

Because if he treats you like his official girlfriend, you will start to feel the same way towards him as well and in the process you will start to develop feelings for him sooner or later.

And eventually you will only hurt yourself emotionally when you realize that he isn't even sure about what he wants from you.

Don't give him the power to hurt you this way. Draw the boundary and let him know what you are and are not okay with.

You might have to let him go...

If you don't do it right away then you are only going to feel hurt in the future. If he is sending out mixed signals and is trying to be much more than friends with benefits but at the same time doesn't want to commit to you then he is playing emotional games.

You will find yourself stuck in this zone of unpredictability where you wouldn't know what to expect out of the whole situation you have with this guy. You should let him go at the right time before things get worse.

Important points -

If a man is unsure about his feelings for you then it means that the answer is no. He won't commit to you and is only keeping you around till he can sort out his feelings.

Don't let him play with your emotions. If he doesn't want a relationship then he should strictly keep it as friends with benefits, therefore make that rule absolutely clear to him.


Reader Question 19-

I am not too sure if he will ever want a relationship with me or not. Is it possible to convince him?

My response...

Let me start off with some bitter truth for you - Almost every man out there who says he doesn't want a relationship will actually get into a relationship at some point in his life. That's a guarantee.

But the person he will be into a relationship with may or may not be you. You see when a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship what he is indirectly saying is that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Let's discuss this in a bit more detail...

If he wants a relationship with you, there wouldn't be any excuses...

If he has a clear mind and really wants a relationship with you then no excuse in the world will be big enough to stop him. And at the same time if he is unclear and isn't sure about whether he really wants a relationship with you or not then every excuse will seem really big.

When a guy starts looking for more excuses on to be with you instead of looking for reasons to be with you then its really obvious that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

But what if he changes his mind?

Well, we have already established that if a guy really wants to be with you, he won't make any excuses.

But I am sure now you are wondering, well what if he finally changes his mind and is ready for a relationship? Well I would like to ask you - When do you feel that time would come?


If he isn't ready for it right now, when do you feel he is ever going to be ready? And at the same time how long are you actually willing to wait? How long are you willing to handle the confusion, pain and frustration of not knowing when he is going to finally make up his mind?

If things aren't getting better, they're only getting worse...

In the process of thinking that maybe he might change his mind some day many women just stick around anyway and let things run the way they are running.

But do you know what actually happens in the process? Things actually end up getting worse. When you want a relationship but he doesn't, you have two people with completely different goals. Therefore you will push him towards your goal and he will try to push you towards his.

And in the process you will only experience more arguments, disagreements and frustration. Eventually you will realize that he isn't going to change his mind and is always going to be confused about you.

And that would be the time when you will feel the need to let him go. Always remember that...

You can't change his mind, or persuade him into wanting a relationship with you...

And the sooner you get this the better it's going to be for you. Don't sit around thinking that someday you will be able to convince him to want a relationship with you. If he is scared of a relationship right now, what makes you say that he will be less scared in the future?

You can't make him want a relationship and at the same time you can't convince or persuade him either. It just won't work, and the harder you will try, the more distant he will get from you.


So what do I do now?

So what can you do? Do you really have two many options? Here are two things you can do -

Stick around and hope he will change his mind.

Or

Let him go on good terms.

I would suggest that it will be better to let him go momentarily. Because if he really wants you; then he will come back for sure.

But if he doesn't, then you were with the wrong person to begin with. Always remember - There is another person out there who will be more than happy to be with you. So go find that person instead of wasting the precious moments of your life waiting for someone who doesn't even want a relationship.


– If he doesn't want a relationship then he is indirectly saying that he doesn't want a relationship with you. He isn't saying he doesn't want a relationship at all because some day he will be in a relationship with someone else for sure.

– Don't wait for him to change his mind about you, if he hasn't made up his mind already, what is he really waiting for?

– Cut him off and let him miss you. Let him know that you aren't going to sit around and wait for him if he isn't ready for a relationship. If he can't make up his mind about you, then let him know that you can't make up your mind about him either.


Reader Question 20-

How do I know if my man will never commit to me & is only keeping me around till he finds someone better? Every time I raise the topic of commitment, he comes up with a million different excuses. Please help!

My response...

If your man keeps making excuses after excuses over the topic of commitment then you might be in deep trouble. Confusion in this department is never a good thing.

The truth is that most men suffer from a phobia to commit. But how do you know if you are one of those unlucky women who is stuck with such a man? Here are some useful signs...

He is only interested in sex...

If you realize that your man is mainly interested in sex and wants to be with you only behind closed doors then it is a very alarming sign that he will never commit and is selfishly involved with you. Please be on your guard right away, as prolonged break ups hurt more.

Never makes plans with you...

If he talks only about his own future plans or ambitions then it means that he is not interested in a long term commitment with you. If he is never interested in what you want to do and is selfishly interested in doing his own and accomplishing his own goals then he is almost treating you like a doormat.

He has hinted that he is not really into marriage & commitment...

Some guys know themselves and their priorities well and confess candidly that they are not looking for marriage. But some women still ignore this and actually end up taking this as a challenge.


And in the process, they wait for the guy to change his mind which never happens.

Shies away from being introduced to your parents...

Since his intentions are not very honest, he will always avoid meeting with your parents. If he agrees to see them and then does not turn up - should speak volumes to you.

He will avoid talking about the future...

You can put him to a small test by talking about your future together - like marriage, children etc. If he is genuine and wants to take his relation to a higher level, he will sound as keen and excited as you are. If not, he will show disinterest and always change the topic or postpone discussion.

He will start getting distant...

If he starts avoiding you and pretending he is busy and unavailable whenever you wish to discuss about your future plans. It means that he is scared of the topic and is not very likely to commit to you. Both of you are at different wave lengths - Dangerous situation.

Makes derogative statements...

A man who is not interested in marriage will always criticize couples who are planning marriage or commitment of any kind. You should cleverly take this as a hint of his disapproval for commitment.

Fond of his freedom...

A man who loves his freedom too much is a dicey character to be involved with. His space and his freedom will be of utmost importance to him always. May be he cherishes his freedom so selfishly that he will never even think of becoming serious with one person. Terms like engagement and marriage are very far-fetched and literally unthinkable for a person of this kind.


Discouraging examples...

He will always tell you that marriages never last in the present day and age. He will give you very crafty examples of divorced couples and broken marriages to convince you that marriage isn't really that important after all.

Irresponsible with his finances...

If a man is not going to commit he will have no incentive to save for a rainy day. When a man is ready to commit he will start to make plans for the future including financial plans, therefore if he is still being ultra casual about the whole deal then it's obvious that he doesn't plan on committing.

He will try to cover up and lie...

Making excuses and telling lies will be second nature to him. This is because he is not being fair and true to you in the first place. Because he has no intentions of committing to you at a later stage, he will try to keep you fooled for as long as possible. He will tell you anything at all to keep you quiet!

He will hate to discuss commitment...

If he does not want to commit to any one person, it is obvious that he will never want to talk about marriage or a long term commitment of any kind! He is guilty of taking you for a ride so he will never be able to discuss something that is serious and binding in any way. He will refuse to talk about these subjects with you.

He will dislike confrontations...

Because he loves his "single" status and bachelorhood too much to give it up, he will hate to admit it to you. Since he is having a good time just casually dating you at present he will want to keep it that way for as long as possible!

This is why when you try to confront him regarding his future plans, he will get upset and show you that he does not want a confrontation of any kind!


He will be a master procrastinator...

You should know by the way he keeps putting things off - especially where commitment or marriage is concerned - that he actually has no desire to settle down and commit.

He will always have one excuse after another whenever it comes to the topic of commitment.

He will try to hide you away...

If he has no plans or intentions to tie the knot and commit to you, wild horses would not be able to make him do it! He will hesitate to introduce you to his parents. He will try to hide you away from close friends and family because he knows that his intentions are not proper and he is being untrue to you.

He won't be exclusive...

Is he completely exclusive to you yet? Or can you clearly see that he is still open to dating another woman? One of the best ways to figure this out is to actually read how he behaves in a social environment where there are many females present.

If he openly flirts with them and exchanges phone numbers then it's really obvious that he is only keeping you around till he finds someone better.

He will always be moody and tense...

The fact that he is not being sincere and does not want to commit will put a lot of pressure on him. If you find him becoming moody and tense every time you try to bring up the subject of commitment, then it proves that he is very negative about the whole thing and does not want to marry you.

I hope this list answers your question. Good luck.


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