rally and inspire your staff - nicholas boothman · 21 ways to connect in business in 90 seconds or...

21WAYSTOCONNECTINBUSINESSIN90SECONDSORLESS 1

©2011NicholasBoothmanwww.nicholasboothman.com 1

RallyandInspireYourStaff

AcoupleofweeksagoIwaslisteningtoaninterviewwithKevinO'LearyfromtheDragon’sDenonCBC.Hewassayinghehadgonebackandchecked,anditturnedoutthateverysinglepersonthatgotadealonDragon’sDen,wasabletoconnectandarticulatetheirideasin90secondsorless.

IknowallaboutthatandIknowitistrue.IwroteabookonthesubjectcalledHowtoConnectinBusinessin90SecondsorLess.To

writethebookwelookedatjustover700peoplewho,in90secondsorless,couldconnect,neutralizethefightorflightresponse,begintoengendertrustandrespect,starttofindcommonground,andbegintoputtheirideastopofmindintheotherperson.Wealsolookedatabout200peoplewhoconsistentlymessedup.

YouareintheDragon’sDeneveryIt'stoughouttheretoday.Competitionisfierce,theenvironmentishostile,andmillionsofintrovertsareforcedtomasqueradeasextrovertsjusttomakealiving–anditdoesn'talwayscomeeasy.

So,inthenext45minutes,I'mgoingtoshowyou21simplewaystoeasilyandnaturallyconnectandcommunicatewithotherpeople.Butbeforewemoveon,I'dlikeyoutolookatthe3smallwordsredatthetopofthisslideontheright.Trust.Logic.Emotion.These3wordsareattheveryheartofallcommunicationbecauseinorderforcommunicationtowork,peoplehavetounconsciouslybeabletosaytothemselves,“Itrustyou,youmakesense,andyoumoveme."

Withouttrustthereisnocommunicationandtherecanbenorelationships,becauseallrelationshipsarebuiltontrust.Withoutlogicyourwordsandyourpropositionswillnotmakesense.Andwithoutemotion?Eightypercentofthetimepeoplemakedecisionsbasedontheiremotions,eventhoughtheythinkthey'rebeingrational.Peoplemaketheirdecisionsonfear,greed,joy,status.Stockmarketsdon’tsoarandcrashthroughlogic,ithappensthroughgreedandfear.Mostpeoplecandeliverononeofthesethreefundamentals,someontwo,andonlythegreatcommunicatorsonallthree.

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Trust,LogicandEmotionareattheheartofthe3goldenrulesofcommunication.

Goldenrulenumber1:peoplelike,trustandfeelcomfortablewithpeoplelikethemselves.

Goldenrulenumber2:themeaningofyourcommunicationistheresponseyouget.

Goldenrulenumber3:capturetheimaginationandyoucapturetheemotions,capturethe

emotionsandyoucapturetheheart.

Everythingwearegoingtotalkaboutinthenext40orsominutesrevolvesaroundoneofthese3goldenrules.The1stgoldenrulerevolvesaroundtrustandthebasicinstinctsofhumanbeings.The2ndgoldenrulerevolvesaroundreasonandlogic.The3rdgoldenruletalksdirectlytotheemotions.

So,let’sgetstarted.

First,we'lllookatthenumber1successfactor.predictorofsuccessintheworld.

Next,we'lllookatyour5humanSuperPowers.WithouttheseSuperPowersworkingproperlyyoucanachievepeakperformance.Andyouwillneverbeabletoinspireyourselforanybodyelsetowillinglydoanything.

Afterthat,we'lllookatthe5naturalwaystomakeatrustingfirstimpression.

Next,we'lllookthe5goldenrulesofcommunication,andfinallyI'llshowyou5waysto“appear"sociallysmarter.Allthatin45minutes.So,let'sgetstarted.

ProfThomasHarrellfromtheStanfordBusinessSchoolspent20yearslookingforwhathecalled“thesuccessfactor–thenumber1identifiablepredictorofsuccess."Whatdoyouthinkhecameupwith?(Audienceresponse,nobodygetsitright,butIgiveafreebooktothefirst2peopletoanswersaying,“wrong,butyoujustdidit").

Whathecameupwith,wassomethinghecalled“socialextroversion"–or,theabilitytospeakup.Itseemslikesuchasimplething,butitwaspresentineverysuccessfulperson,andabsentinthoseforwhomlifeisastruggle.Thebottomline,ifyouwanttobesuccessful:speakup,startingrightnow.



Youcameintothisworldwitheverythingyouneedtoconnectwithotherpeople,toevolve,andtosucceed.Everyoneinthisroom,everyoneyouknow,cameintothisworldwith5SuperPowers.WhenIsaySuperPowersIdon'tmeanthingslikebeingabletoleapovertallbuildingslikeSuperman,wehavemachinesthatcandothat.Imeanthingsthatmachinescan'tdo.

Enthusiasm–passion,inspiration

Curiosity–knowledge,civilization

Feedback-progress,innovation

Empathy–compassion,love

Imagination-dreams

Wearrived,loadedupwithEnthusiasm,Curiosity,theabilitytoprocessFeedback,Empathy,andImagination.

Everyonecameintothisworldburstingwithenthusiasm.Wearrivedhootingandholleringandburstingwiththelifeforce.That'swhatthewordenthusiasmmeans:lifeflowingthrough.Enthusiasmiswhatwe“try”toinvokewhenwemistakenlyattempttomotivatepeople.

WhenIsay“motivate”becauseit'simportantthatwedistinguishbetweenmotivationandinspiration.Thesetwowordsarealmostopposites.

“Whydoyouthinktherearesomanymotivationalspeakersaround?"

Theanswerisbecauseitdoesn'twork.Sure,itworksforadayortwoormaybeaweek,butthenitwearsoff.Thenyouneedtofindanotherone.Motivationcomesfromtheoutside,intheformofsticks,carrots,andaccolades.Inotherwords“we'llbeatyoumore,payyoumore,ortellyouhowwonderfulyouare."Inspirationisdifferent.Inspirationcomesfromtheinsideintheformofnatural,unstoppableenergy:orenthusiasm.

Superpowernumber2iscuriosity-theabilitytolearnmoreandmoreaboutourenvironment.Curiosityisahumansurvivalskill.Themomentwearebornwestarttolookaroundandtakeinwhatishappeningaroundus.


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Superpowernumber3istheabilitytoprocessfeedback.Thisistheabilitytocontinuallyimprovewhatwearetakinginwithourcuriosityanduseittomakeourlivesbetter.

SuperPowernumber4isempathy.Theabilitytoseetheworldthroughtheeyesofotherpeople.Empathyisyourbiggestassetwhenconnectingwithotherpeoplebecauseempathyconnectsdirectlytotheemotionsandwehavelittleconsciouscontroloverourownemotions.

One-day-oldbabiescryingwhentheyhearotherbabiescrying.What'sthatallabout?ThatisSuperPowernumber4switchedonthedayyouareborn.

Justtakealookatthepersonsittingnexttoyouorinfrontofyou.Thegreattruthis,thatisjustyougoingthroughadifferentsetofexperiencessincethedayyouwereborn.Lookatme,Iamjustyougothroughadifferentsetofexperiences.Andyouaremegoingthroughadifferentsetofexperiences.Weallspringfromthesamelife-forcewiththesamebasicinstincts,desiresandurges.Itisgoodtorememberthiswhenyoutrytounderstandandconnectwithotherpeople.

Andfinally,superpowernumber5,imagination.Theabilitytodistorttheinformationcomingintooursensesanduseittodreamgreatdreamsortoputourselvesthroughhell.

Ifyouhaveaprobleminanyareaofyourlife,lookfirsttoyour5SuperPowersandmakesurethey'reworkingastheyshould.Youcannotlivelifetothefull,youcannotfunctionatpeakperformance,andyoucannotinspireyourselforotherpeopleifallyourSuperPowersarenotworkingproperly.

Infact,thefiringsequenceofSuperPowersinordertobeinspired,is2,3,4,5,1.Inotherwords,curiositywithfeedbackthenempathywithimagination.Onlywhenallthoseworkinginthatordercanyou,oranybodyelsepossiblyfeelinspiredandenthusiastic.

So,becauseconnectingwithotherpeopleiswhatlifeisallabout,letstalkaboutfirstimpressions.Herearethetop5waystomakeagreatfirstimpression.

Number1,adjustyourattitude,number2lookthemintheeye,number3smile,number4openyourbodylanguage,andnumber5synchronize.

Youwillnoticeallofthesearetodowithbody



language.55%ofallface-to-facecommunicationcomesfromwhatwesee,38%comesfromthetoneofvoice,andonly7%fromthewordswemust.So,gofiguree-mailandtexting.Ifyousaytosomebodyinatext“youdrivemecrazy",becausethereisnovoicetoneorbodylanguage,theyhavenoideaifwhatyou'rereallysayingis,“youmakemelaugh,"“youmakemereallyangry,"or“I'mfallinginlovewithyou."

(ThisiswhereIgive2demonstrationswiththeaudienceontheirfeettodemonstratemixedmessagesandthehypnoticpowerofthevisualelementsofconnectingwithotherpeople)

So,howlongyouthinkittakestodecidehowyoufeelaboutsomeonewhenyouseethemforthe1sttime,orforthemtodecideaboutyou?I'mgoingtosaysomenumbersandIjustwantyoutomakeanoisewhenyouthinkwegetclose,stampyourfeet,clapyourhands,ticklethepersonnexttoyou….thatsortofthing.

Howabout10min?2min?(Bynowsomepeoplearemakinganoise).Okay,howabout90seconds?(Quitealotofpeoplearemakinganoisenow.)

Forgetaboutit.TheHarvardSchoolofHealthSciencesdidthebestresearchtodateonthesubjectandthetitleoftheirpaperread,“studentsseekingatwosecondvideoclipofateacherwithnosoundcametothesameconclusionsabouttheteacherasstudentswhospentanentiresemesterwiththem."

Twoseconds,youknowit'strue.Youseesomeoneyoudon'tknowapproachingyourfrontdoorandyoudecideinaflashisthatpersonanopportunityorathreat,aretheycharmingoralarming.It'snatural,it'spartofthehumanfightorflightresponse.Rightorwrong,wemakedecisionsaboutpeoplewithinthefirst2secondsofseeingthem,orhearingthemifit'sonthephone.

Imeetpeopleallthetimewhosaytome,“whenpeoplegettoknowmetheyreallylikeme."Well,youknowwhat,that’sgreatforyourfamilyandyournext-doorneighbours,andotherpeoplewhocan'tescapeyou,butintoday'sworlditisjustnotgoodenough.Peoplemakesnapjudgmentsaboutyoutheminutetheyseeyou.Iftheylikeyou,andby“likeyou"Imeantrustyouandfeelcomfortablewithyou,theywilltendtoseethebestinyou.Iftheydon'tlikeyou,thereverseistrue,theywilltendtoseetheworstthingyou.Inotherwords,ifIliketheguy,allhisleapingabouttellsmehe'senthusiastic.IfIdon'tlikehim,he'sanidiot.IfIlikethewoman,she'skind.IfIdon'tlikeher,she'sweak.Andwemakethosedecisionsinthefirsttwosecondsofseeingsomeone.

Andthere'smore,whenwelikepeople,weunconsciouslysearchforreasonstosay“yes”tothem.Ifwedon'tlikethemweareunconsciouslylookingforreasonstosay“no.”


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Andthere'sanothergoodreasonwhyitisimportantthatpeoplelikeeachother.Youcan'thavefunwithpeopleyoudon'tlike.Justonemiserablepersoncanruinthemoodforeveryoneelse.

So,whatdoyouthinkitisthatwerespondtowhatweseesomeoneforthefirsttime?Itcouldbeacrosstheairportterminal,inacrowdedroomorsqueezingpineapplesandsupermarket.Whatdowerespondto?

(Theaudiencegiveswronganswers)Takealookattheslideit'srightthere.Yes,it'syourattitude.“Itisyourattitudeatthebeginningofanencounter,morethananythingelse,thedeterminesyoursuccessorfailure."Why?Becauseyourattitudesetsthemood.Notonlythat,butyourattitudedriveyourbehavior,anditdrivesbehavioroftheotherpeople.

IfIstoodherenow(Iappearreallyangryhere)andsaidtoyou,”I'mreallyhavingamarveloustime."Youwouldrespondasyoujustdid.Itbecamedefensiveunconsciouslyandquickly.ButifIsaidthesamethinginareallylaid-backway(Idothatnow)youtoowouldfeelmorerelaxedandcalm.

Iwasafashionphotographerfor25yearswomentravelledallovertheworldtakingphotographsindifferentstudios.AndfromveryearlyonitbegantofascinatemethatwhereverIwent,therewasalwaysonegroupofpeoplewhogotonwitheverybodyinstantly,andanothergroupwhocouldn'tgetonwithanyone,noteventhemselvesmostofthetime.Itfascinatedmeandatthesametimeittroubledme.Becauseithadnothingtodowithlooksortalent.It’sjustthattheonegroupwasdoingcertainthingsinacertainorder,andtheothergroupwasdoingtheminthewrongorder,ornotatall!Andthelivesoftheonegroupseemedtogetbetterovertheyears,whilethelivesandthehealthoftheothergroupseemtogetworse.

Sowhatweretheydoingdifferently?Imadeitmymissioninlifetofindout.AnditbecamesoimportanttomeeventuallyIstoppedbeingaphotographerandstarteddoingwhatIdotoday.

Thefirstthingtodowhenyoumeetsomeone,(andnotnecessarilysomeoneyoumeetforthefirsttime),istoadjustyourattitude.InmybooksItalkaboutReallyUsefulAttitudesandReallyUselessAttitudes.Idon'tbotherwithpositiveandnegativeattitudes-theyaretosubjective.

TherearedozensofReallyUsefulAttitudesbutanythingtodowithaSuperPower,forexampleenthusiastic,resourceful,curiousorwelcomingworksreallywell.ExamplesofReallyUselessAttitudesmightbehostile,bored,orrude,orappearingtobethatway.Plentyofpeoplegiveoffmixedmessagesaboutrealizingit.Andasyouknow,it’shardtorecoverfromabadfirstimpression.



(HerewedoafuninteractiveexerciseshowingReallyUsefulAttitudesandhowtheyinfluenceotherpeople.)

Infact,thepeopleinthisgroup(Ipointtothegroupwerereallygoodatconnecting)besidesadjustingtoaReallyUsefulAttitudedid3thingsveryquicklyinthefirstoneandahalfsecondsofmeetingsomeone.Thesearenothingmagical,nothingspecialinfactbabiesdothemallthetimeaslongasthey'recomfortable.Lookthemintheeye,smile,andopenyourbodylanguage.Nothingphonyhere,theseareallnaturaleasythingstodo.

Inourculture,eyecontactsays“trustisintheair”.Wearenaturallysuspiciousofpeoplewhodon’tlookusintheeye.Weknowhowunpleasantitfeelstobewithsomeonewhodoesnotgiveyoueyecontact,it'sverycreepy.

Iunderstandthatnoteverybodycandoeyecontactsohere'sasimplehabit.Justnoticedthecoloroftheeyesofeverypersonyoumeet.Youcanforgetitagainimmediatelyifyouwish,butthat'senoughtimetosendasignaloftrustfromoneunconsciousmindtoanother.

IconsultedtoahotelchaininChicagowhotoldmetheyhadaproblemgettingtheirfrontlinestafftomakeeye-contactwiththeircustomer.Theyhadtriedeverything.Isuggestedtheytelltheirstafftheyweredoingasurveytofindoutiftheyservedmoreblueeyedorbrowneyedcustomers.Thatwasit.Instanteye-contactastheychecked.

Thisisalsoabigproblemwithkidstoday.Somespendsomuchtimeinfrontofscreenstheyjustcan’tdoeye-contact.So,here’satipforparents.Bribeyourkids.Tellthemiftheycomebackfromschooltomorrowandtellyoutheeyecolorofeveryteachertheyspokewithyou’llgivethemfivebucks.Actuallytodayyouhavetouptheante.Tellthemyou’llgivethemasecondflat-screenfortheirroom!!

We'retalkingbasicinstinctshere.Theruleisprettysimple,noeyecontact:notrust.

Thesecondthingthatbabiesdoeasilyaslongasthey'recomfortable,issmile,oratleastgiveyouagoodgumming.Again,inourculture,asmilesendstheunconscioussignalthatthatpersonishappyandconfident.Thinkaboutit.Thenexttimeyouareinthestreetorinarestaurantandseesomeonesmilingwalkingtowardsyou,whatsignaldoesn'tsend?

Noteverybodyhasagreatsmile,IknowbecauseIdon't.ButIlearnedalittletrickmanyyearsago.Thismightsurpriseyou,butnotallprofessionalfashionmodelshaveanaturalsmile.Buttheydohaveatricktomaketheirfaceslightupandtheireyessmile.SoI'mgoingtoshareitwithyounow.


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JustimagineI'mamodelinthestudio.Icomeontothebackdrop,andtowarmupIsaytheword“great"overandover.“Great,great,great."Thenanassistantwillyellbackthesamethinginacrazyvoiceandthemodelrepeatsit.Thenthestylistmighttellthesamething,oranassistantinadifferentcrazyvoiceandthemodelsaysitagain.Beforeyouknowiteveryone'syellinggreatandlaughingandtheireyesaresmiling.

(AtthispointIgettheaudienceontotheirfeettoshowthemhowtohaveagreat,great,greatsmile.Theexercisetakes10seconds.)

Justaquickwordabouteyecontactandsmiling.Toomuchofitisincrediblycreepyandconfusing.Justlikethosepeoplewhoneverknowwhentostopshakingyourhand.Butyougettheidea,itdoesn'ttakemuch,andithappensinthe1stcoupleofseconds,anditisnaturalandeasyandhuman.

Number4onthelist-openbodylanguage.Thereare2kindsofbodylanguageopenandclosed.Openbasicallyexposesyourheart,closeddefendsyourheart.Opensays“Iamopentogettoknowyou,”closedsignals“stayaway.”Allyouneedtoknowaboutopenbodylanguagewhenmakingafirstimpressionistopointyourheartattheheartoftheotherpersonforaboutasecond.Thatisenoughtosignal,“Iamnotgoingtoharmyou."

Andnumber5.Synchronizing.Ifyousay“Ilikeyou”tosomebodywhatdoyoumean?(Iwandertoseveralmembersoftheaudiencegettheanswers)Whatyouactuallymeanis,“Iamlikeyou."

Rememberthefirstgoldenruleofface-to-facecommunicationis“peoplelikepeoplelikethemselves.”Peoplealsolike,trust,feelcomfortablewith,goonholidaywith,dobusinesswith,laughandcrybestwith,peoplelikethemselves.

Themorewecanfindincommonwithpeoplethemorewefeelboundtothem.Themore“me-tomoments"wecanfindwithsomebodythemorecomfortablewearewiththem.Butwhathappensfromabodylanguagepointofviewwhenwegetonwellwithsomeone?

Here'swhathappens…(Imoveathechairinfrontofanaudiencememberandsynchronizethem,thenIdoitwithsomebodyelseandsomebodyelse).Peoplewhosenaturalpeopleskillsarestillintact,naturallysynchronizetheoverallbodylanguageofthepeopletheyarewith.

Takealookaroundarestaurantatthepeoplewhoaregettingon.Oneleansforwardtheotherfollows,onelowerstheirvoicetheotherdoesthesame.Everbeeninadoctor'swaitingroomanhaveyourlegscrossed?Thenyouuncrossthemandcrossthemtheotherway?Otherpeoplewilltendtodothesamething.It'slikelaughing



andyawningandcrying,weseesomeoneelsedoitwehaveanurgetodothesame.ItcomesfromourempathySuperPowerandthere'snotalotwecandoaboutitexceptuseittoouradvantage.Growingupit’showwelearnmostofourcopingskills.Bysynchronizingourparentsandpeopleweadmireinourlives.

(Ileadtheaudiencethrougha90-secondexerciseinsynchronizing.It'salotoffunandtheyloveit.)

So,thereyougo,5simplethings,andweareonlytwosecondsintoanencounter.Butifyoudonethose5thingsrightyouareallsetforthenext88secondstostartbuildingarelationshipwithsomeonewhotrustsyouandiswillingtoseethebestinyou.

Firstimpressionsareallaboutconnectingwithpeople,butwhataboutarticulatingyourbusinessideain90secondsorless?That'swherecommunicatingcomesin.

But,communicatingisamuchmisunderstoodword.So,maybeweshouldstartbydefiningwhatwemeanby“communication."And,whilewe’reatit,let'sdistinguishbetween“conversation"and“communication.”Conversationistheinformalexchangeofideasandopinionstobuildarelationship.Communicationisdifferentfromconversationbecausecommunicationisgoaloriented.

Thefivegoldenrulesforsuccessfulcommunicationare:

1-Knowwhatyouwantinthepositive2-Findoutwhatyouaregetting3-Changewhatyoudountilyougetwhatyouwant4-Tieitallupwithafewcatchywords5-Attachittoanimageorshortstory

Thereareactuallyonly6thingsthatanyofusdoonaday-to-daybasisapartfrombodyfunctionsandurges.5ofthemare,wegointotheworldandhaveexperiencesthroughoursenses.That'showyouknowyouarehererightnow,becauseyoursensestellyouthat.Youknowyouarealivebecauseyoursensestellyou.Youcanseewhat'sgoingonaroundyou,youcanhearmyvoice,youcanfeelyourseat,andifnecessaryyoucansmellandtastewhat'shappeningaroundyou.Theseare5ofthethingswedoonaday-to-daybasis.Whatyouthinkthe6ththingis?Becauseyou'redoingitrightnow.

(Iwanderintotheaudienceandplaywiththeiranswers).

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Theansweris,weprocesslanguage.Wegointotheworldandhaveexperiencesthroughoursenses,andthenweexplainthoseexperiencestoourselves,andthentootherpeople,usingwordsandlanguage.

Itgoeslikethis.Asyourexperiencesbecomewords,yourwordsbecomethoughts,yourthoughtsbecomeideas,yourideasbecomeactions,youractionsbecomehabits,yourhabitsdetermineyourpersonality,andyourpersonalitydeterminesyourdestiny.Wecallit,makingsense.Andithappensinaflash.

Buthere'stheinterestingpart.Asyourexperiencesbecomewords,yourwordsbecomethoughtsandyourthoughtsbecomeideas.Andit'satthispoint,theideastage,thatmostofyourlifetakesshape.

Allbusiness,andmostoflife,isabouttakinggoodideastootherpeople.Andquitesimplyput,thebetteryouareatpackagingyourideasandplacingthemdeeplyintotheheartsandmindsofotherpeople,themoresuccessyouwillhave.Successfulpeopleareverygoodatpackagingtheirideasanddeliveringthemintotheheartsandmindsofotherpeople.Strugglers,eitherhavetroublepackagingtheirideas,orplacingthemintotheheartsandmindsofotherpeople,orboth.

Solet'sfindoutwhy.Asyourexperiencesbecomewords,andyourwordsbecomethoughts,andyourthoughtsbecomeideas,it'satthispointthatallbecomesveryinteresting.Becausewetakeourideastootherpeopleusinglanguage,andwedoitin2ways.Throughsomethingcalledconversation:thisistheinformalexchangeofideasandopinionstobuildarelationship,andsomethingcompletelydifferent,calledcommunication.Communicationisdifferentfromconversationbecausecommunicationisgoalorientedwhichmeans“themeaningofyourcommunicationistheresponseyouget”.

Forexample,ifIamchattingwithmydaughteraboutanything,ornothinginparticularthatisconversation.ThemomentIsaytoherthatsheneedstotidyherroom,Ihavemovedfromconversationintocommunication–andifshedoesn’ttidyherroomthenmycommunicationhasfailed.Thisisanimportantdistinctionanditallrevolvesaroundlanguage,feedbackandimagination.Andtheinterestingthingaboutlanguageisthatthehumanbrainattemptstoprocesseverywordthatcomesitsway.Letmeshowyou.

“Doesanybodyherehaveadog?"(SomeonealwaysputsuptheirhandandIaddressthem.)

“Inyourmind'seye,canyoumakeapictureofyourselfnotfeedingyourdog?"WhenIsay“inyourmindseye:”doyouknowwherethemilkisinyourrefrigeratorrightnow?"(Theynodtosayyes.)“Howdidyoudothat?"



“Well,Icanjustseeitthere."

Exactly,youmadeapicture.Inaflashyoujustsawit.Well,that'sasgoodasyourpicturesget.Wecanalldothat,wecanplaybackoursenses.Andnotjustsight.Wecanplaybackwhatwe,hear,feel,smell,andtastetoo.That'showwerememberthings,wejustplaybackwhatoursensestookin.That’showadvertisersandgreatcommunicators,inspireandconvince.Picturessoundsandfeelingsareinfact,theprimarylanguageofthebrain.

So,canyoumakeapictureofyourselfnotfeedingyourdog?(Theysayno.)Whataboutyouwalkingyourdog?ThatwouldbeapictureofyouNOTfeedingyourdog?Right?OrbungeejumpingintheGrandCanyon,orgoingtothemovies?Aren'ttheseallpicturesofyouNOTfeedingyourdog?Thepointis,thehumanbraincannotdealinnegatives.Ithastodealinpositives.

Thesamegoesforlanguage,thesewordsweusetotakeourideastootherpeople.Forexample,“ifyouteachyourdogtojumpupbysaying“jumpup,”whatwillyourdogdoifyousay,“don'tjumpup,"withoutchangingthevoicetone?Yes,absolutely,yourdogwillstilljumpup,because“don't”isn'tlanguage,it’sadevice.

Alllanguageisprocessedunconsciously,onlynegationitsprocessedconsciously.IfIsaytomydaughter,“donotmessupyourroom,"whatistheonlylanguageshecanprocess?Absolutely,“messupyourroom.”Butdaddyusedthe“donot”wordsintheresoI'llkickthatpileunderthebedandmakesurethedoorwillopen.Butthat'snotwhatImeant.Somycommunicationfailed.Themeaningofcommunicationistheresponseyouget.

Irecentlyspent$2000onacomputer.Ithankedthewomanwhoservedmebecausetheservicewasreallygoodandshereplied,“it'snotaproblem."

“Wow,”Ithought,“it'snotajumbojetorapizzaeither.Iguesswhatshereallymeantwas,‘it'sapleasure’."

Thismightseemlikeapickydistinctionbutmostlyit’sabadhabit.Likepeoplewhosaytotheirclients,“ifyou'dlikemoreinformation,pleasedon'thesitatetocontactme."

Whathavetheyactuallysaidthere?“Youwantmoreinformation?Hesitatetocontactme?Don’t!YoufigureoutwhatImean!!”

Thepointhereissuccessfulpeopletalkinthepositivewhilestrugglerstendtotalkinthenegative.Successfulpeoplesay,“tidyyourroom,"“it'sapleasure,"“ifyou'dlikemoreinformation,callme."Thisisthesecondgoldenruleoffacetofacecommunicationandithastodowithlogic,themeaningofyourcommunicationis

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theresponseyouget,anditallcomesdowntoknowwhatyouwant,findoutwhatyouaregetting,andchangewhatyoudountilyougetwhatyouwant.

Here'salittlestorytoshowthatcommunicationcanbeadouble-edgedsword.Thatwhenyoudon’tknowwhatyouwantyoufrequentlygetit.Whatyoudon’twant,thatis.

Iliveonafarm.Myneighbor,afewlinesover,ownsastudfarm.Awhileback,hewastellingmehehasabigproblemwithweekendvisitors.“Peoplecomeoutfromthecity,intheircarswithgrannyandthekids,andtheystopandfeedmyhorsesandtakepictures."

“Nick,"hetoldme.“It’sdrivingmecrazy.Theycomeoutfromthecityattheweekendsandtheystoptheircarsandfeedmyhorses.Buttheytryandfeedthemhotdogs,andhamburgers,andpizza.Buthorsesarevegetarians!Sotheysniffthefood,thekidsgoyuck,anddropitrightthere."MondaymorningIhavetosendsomeoneouttopickupallthemessbecauseitattractsvermin.SoIputupasign,“’DoNotFeedTheHorses,’andyouknowwhat?Itgotworse."

“Nokidding,"Itoldhim.“I'llbetpeoplewhohadn'teventhoughtoffeedingthehorsesuntiltheyseeyoursignsay,“Hey,let'stakesomepicturesofthekidsandgrannyfeedingthehorses."Becausecommunicationisadoubleedgedsword.

“Soyouknowwhat?"hetoldme,“Ithoughtthesignwasabitpushy,soIchangedittoread“PleaseDoNotFeedTheHorses.”ButNick,itgotworse!

“Nokidding,"Isaid.“Nowpeoplethinkyou'repolite,andyouwon'tmind."

“WhatamIgoingtodo?"

“Here,"Isaid.“Trywritingthesewordsonyoursign."

Ididn'thearfromhimfor3weeks,butIknewhewrotethewordsonhissignbecauseIsawthem.Thenonedayhedroveupmydriveway,knockedonthedoor,andsaid,“Nick,itworkedlikemagic."Andifyoudrivebytheretoday,it'sjustnorthBowmanville,Ontario,youcanseethesignforyourself.Itreads,“Weonlyeatapplesandcarrots."

Iwantyoutokeeptheapplesandcarrotsstoryinyourmindinallyourcommunicationtoremindyouofthe5thingsarewrittenontheslide:knowwhatyouwantonthepositive,findoutwhatyou'regetting,changewhatyoudountilyougetwhatyouwant,tieitallupwithafewcatchywords,andattachittoanimageorshortstorytoinvokethethirdgoldenruleofface-to-facecommunication,“capturetheimaginationandyoucapturetheheart.”ThatiswhyIattachedthisslidetoa



shortstoryaboutapplesandcarrotstocaptureyourimaginationandinturn,yourhearts.

Torecapsofar.Wetalkedaboutthenumber1successfactorwhichis?Yesgreat,thanks.Your5SuperPowerswhichare?Good.Thefivetopwaystomakeagreatfirstimpression:attitude,lookthemintheeye,smile,openyourbodylanguageandsynchronize.Terrific.Let’sputitalltoworkwiththetop5waystoappearsociallysmarter,beathomeoratwork.NoticeIsaid“appear"sociallysmarter,Ididn'tactuallysayIwillmakeyouthatway.

There'snogettingawayfromthefactthatifyouwantyourbusinessandyourlifegrowforward,ratherthanjustdriftsidewaysyouhavetogooutandmeetnewpeople.

AyearorsoagoIappearedonTheTodayShowonNBCtotalkaboutthissubjectandthehostsaidtome,“okayNick,tellus5thingswecandoin90secondsorlesstocomeacrossassociallysmarterwhenwewalkintoaroomfullofstrangers.

Here'swhatItoldher:

Number1weargreatclothes.Number2headforthemiddle.Number3movemoreslowly.Number4usethe3-secondrule.Number5usetalk-showquestions.

There'snogettingawayfromit,whenyouweargreatclothesmorepeopletakeyouseriouslyandwillwanttotalkto.Idon'tmeanyouhavetoalways

wearexpensiveclothes,butinsocialsituations,whereyouareouttomeetnewpeople,themoretroubleyoutakeoveryourwardrobe,thebetteryoucomeacross.

I'mnotgoingtotellyouwhattowear,butIwillsaythatyourwardrobeshouldfallsomewherebetween2points.Ontheonehandyourauthority,andontheotheryourapproachability.Forexample,Idon'twantmybankmanagerthewearingathongandabaseballcaponbackwards.Iwanthimtolooklikeheknowswhathe'sdoing,butIdowanthimtolookapproachable.Idon'twantmyairlinepilotwearingasombreroandflip-flops.Iwanthertolooklikesheknowswhatshe'sdoing.

Dressthepart,butwearsomethingthatmakesyoulookapproachable,perhapsanunusualtie,brightredsuspenders,interestingframesforyourspectacles,afloweronyourlapel,whateveryoucanthinkofthatmakesyoulookapproachableandthatyoudon’ttakeyourselftooseriously.

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Number2.Whenyouenteraroomfullofstrangers,headformiddleoftheroom.Theperceptionisthatthepopularpeoplehangoutinthemiddleoftheroom.Wedon'tcallthepeoplearoundtheoutside“wallflowers"fornothing.Thepeopleinthemiddleofaroom,orarestaurant,orgathering,somehowcomeacrossaspopular.

Number3.Asyouheadforthemiddleoftheroom,walkfractionallymoreslowlythanyouwouldnormally.Why?Tworeasons.

Firstyoucomeacrossasbeingconfident,andtheperipheralvisionoftheotherpeopleintheroomwillnotperceiveyouasadirectthreat.

Butsecond,andthisisagreatone,you'llcomeacrossassexy.Yesreally.Sexypeoplemovefractionallymoreslowlythan,well,peoplelikeme.Nowbeforeallyouguysgetcarriedaway,Ishouldgiveyouawarning.Itdoesnotnecessarilyfollowthatthesloweryoumove,thesexieryouare.Quitethecontrary.Beyondacertainpointthesloweryoumovethemoreridiculouscomeacross.

Number4.The3-secondrule.Fixthenumber7inyourmind.That'sthenumberoftimesyoushouldusethe3-secondrulethenexttimeyou’reatasocializingevent.

Assumingyouaretheretosocialize,andnottohangoutwithyourfriendsandpeopleyoualreadyknow,youhavetomeetnewpeople.The“3-secondrule”requiresthatyoulookatsomeoneyoudon'tknowandwithin3secondsyougooverandintroduceyourselftothemorsaysomething.You’renotgoingtoaskthemoutonadate,oraskthemtomarryyouorgoonholidaywithyou,you’resimplygoingtosaysomething.

Thepointofthe3-secondruleisnotreallytogetyoutalking,buttoruleouthesitation.Hesitationisthebigproblemwithmanypeople.Biggerthanactuallyfiguringoutwhattosay.So,practice.Usethe3-secondrule7timesatyournexteventandgetintothehabitofovercominghesitation.

Number5.Asktalk-showhostquestions.

Thebottomlineinface-to-facecommunicationisyouareageniusuntilyouopenyourmouth.Mostpeoplewillgiveyouthebenefitofthedoubtuntilyoustarttospeak.

Sowhatdoyousay?Youdowhatthetalk-showhostsonTVandradiodo,theystartwithastatementabouttheoccasionorthelocation,andfollowitwithanopen-endedquestion.

Openendedquestionsbeginwith,who,where,why,when,what,how,andthebestopen-endedquestionofall“tellmeabout?"Andthat'snotevenaquestion.So,on



TheTodayShowbecausethestudiosareinNewYork,theexampleIusedwas,“IhearNewYork'safantasticplace.IfIonlyhad4hourswhatshouldIsee?"Simple.NowI’vegottheotherpersontalking.Andthebestwaytokeepsomebodyelsetalkingisbygivingfeedback,bothphysicalandspoken.Inotherwordsnodandlooklikeyou'reinterested,andmakenoiseswithyourmouth,“oh,"“aha,"“wow,"Ithinkyougetthemessage.

Sothereyouhaveit,21waystoconnectwithpeoplein90secondsorlessandtogetyourideasacross.

(HereIreadthemalloffagain,all21ofthem.)

TofinishI'mgoingtosharewithyouastoryaboutnetworking.

There'snogettingawayfromthefactthatotherpeopleareourgreatestresourceandany

opportunitieswegetinlifealwayscomeintheshapeofotherpeople.

I'msureyou’veheardthephrase“opportunityknocks."Well,thetruthisopportunityrarelyknocks.Opportunitiesareoutthereeverywherebutyoudoactuallyhavetogetup,getoutandfindthem.

SeventeenyearsagomydaughterKate,whowasthen13,cametomeonedayandsaid,“Daddy,they’veopenanaromatherapystoreinourlocalvillage,willyoudrivingtheresoIcanseeitplease?"AsImentionedearlierweliveonafarmsoIsaidsureanddroveKatethere.

WhileKatewaslookingaroundIgottalkingtoSandy,theowner,andshetoldmeshehadgivenupherjobinthecitytodowhatshehadalwayswanted.Itoldher,thatIwasgettingoutofphotographytodowhatIdotodaybecauseIhadmetsomanypeopleinmytravels,andinmyroleasafather,whowerelikeroseswithrubberbandswrappedaroundthem.Andtheywouldneverblossomuntilsomeoneremovedtherubberband.Thatrubberband,isbasicpeopleskills.

Ihadmetsomanypeoplewithpotentialbuttheywerehamperedbythefactthattheydidn'tknowhowtoconnectanarticulatetheirideastootherpeopleconfidentlyandquickly.ItoldSandymynewmissionwastogooutanddothis.

AfewdayslaterSandycalledmeandsaidshewashavingafewpeoplearoundtoherhousetotalkaboutaromatherapyandwouldIbeinterestedingoingalongtalkingaboutwhatIwasnowdoing.Isaidyes.Iwentandspokeforabout20minutes.

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AweeklaterawomancalledandsaidshehadbeenatSandy'sthatnightandshehasawoman'snetworkinggroupthatmeetsthefirstTuesdayofeverymonthforlunchandwouldIliketocomealongandtalkaboutwhatIwasdoing.Isaidsure.AndIwentandspoke.

Twoweekslateramancalledmeandsaidhiscousinwasatthewoman'snetworkinglunch.HeaskedifIwouldbeinterestedinputtingonaworkshopfor200realestateagentswhowereinhisnetworkinggroup.Isaidsure.Iputtogethertheworkshop,anditwasabigsuccess.

Justunder2monthslaterIgotaphonecallandawomansaid,“WearethestagingcompanyAT&TCanada.Weheardaboutwhatyou'redoingfromsomeoneatarealestatenetworkingworkshop.Wemadeafewenquiriesaboutyou,andwouldliketoinviteyoutobetheopeningspeakerattheAT&TNationalSalesConventiontheMetroConventionCentreinTorontotoaddressonethousandsixhundredpeople.Areyouinterested?”

Isaidsure.Ididit.Anditkick-startedmycareertobewhatitistoday.

SincethenI'vewrittenseveralbooksandtakenmymessagetothousandsofpeopleallovertheworld.Anditbroughtmeheretodaytohavethepleasureoftalkingtoyou.

Moralofthestory.Neverturndownaninvitationfromyour13-year-olddaughtertovisitanaromatherapystorethathasopenedinyourlocalvillage.Becauseopportunitiesareeverywhere,butopportunitiesneverknock:youhavetogooutandfindthemyourself.

Thankyou.

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