psychologies uk - june 2016

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* COVER STORY

JUNE 2016

20 * PROFILE

Julia Roberts

Cover: Brinson + Banks/The New York Times/Redux/Eyevine

The busynessepidemic

56 * THE DOSSIER

58 BUSY DOING NOTHING Firmly caught inher own ‘busy trap’, Katy Regan decided tosee if she could find her focus and live a lessstressful, more meaningful life

63 REAL FOCUS What do people with realfocus have that those of us who perpetuallyfeel rushed off our feet don’t?

64 FOCUS-ROBBERS Do you know what robsyou of your focus? Or how to find it again?

66 WHAT MATTERS MOST TO YOU? Threebusy women tell us how they learned tostrike a balance

70 TEST: HAVE YOU BEEN CAUGHT IN THE

BUSYNESS TRAP? Take our speciallycommissioned test and find out

FEATURES

7 EDITOR’S LETTER

8 LETTERS

9 I’D LIKE TO THANK…

11 THE FIX

19 HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB

44 EVENTS

114 BOOKS

122 STOCKISTS

130 SALLY BRAMPTO N

“I am a deeply happy person: as life goeson, you realise what

great fortune that is”

REGULARS

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17 THE GREAT WAKE-UP

Chris Baréz-Brown introducesideas to take us off autopilot

24 MIND EXPERIMENT

Martha Roberts explores anessential human need: intimacy

26 * A HAPPIER CAREE R PATH

Author and positive psychologistVanessa King shares what she’s

learned about career fulfilment

30 HORSE POWER

Stressed city-dweller AmyFleming tries equine therapy

34 MY HOME

Interior designer Lucy Tiffneyinvites us into her space

40 JUST GOOD FLATMATES

How platonically sharing herhouse with a man helped CarolineBuchanan heal after her divorce

See page 38 for thismonth’s print and digitalsubscriptions offers P

H O T O G R A P H : G E T T Y I M A G E S

Contents



P H O T O G R A P H : O R I G I N S

FEATURES

#360ME

77 THE HOLISTIC GRAIL

The pursuit of health should be a joy, not a chore

79 * THE PLAN

Expert advice in four holistic sections – Mind,Body, Spirit and Gut – to inspire you to take smallsteps towards a happier, healthier life

86 MEET THE 360ME TEAM

Health and wellness director Eminé Ali Rushtonintroduces our new team of expert contributors

89 ONE GOOD THING

Xochi Balfour champions homemade nut milk

90 * LIVING WELL

Foodie sisters Melissa and Jasmine Hemsleyintroduce their first column on ethical living

93 REAL BEAUTY

Madeleine Shaw, nutritionist and blogger, shares

her skin-food secrets94 WELL NETWORK

Inspiration from wellbeing entrepreneurs. Thismonth, it’s Wild Nutrition’s Henrietta Norton

96 ASK THE DOCTOR

Dr Andrew Weil gives his verdict on supplements

99 REAL NUTRITION

Eve Kalinik on why sourdough is a cut above

100 * WELL TRAVELLED

We round up the very best British destinationsthat specialise in short retreats

JUNE 2016

Contents

4 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 1 6

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46 MY JOB IS ALL-IMPORTANT

Award-winning coach Kim Morgan tries to helpa workaholic find some balance

48 WORK EXPERIMENT

Oliver Burkeman on the importance of switchingoff from work when you leave your workplace

50 TOTALLY STRESSED

Many experts believe teenagers are under more

pressure than ever. Martha Roberts reports54 MARY FENWICK

Our wise agony aunt advises three readerson their problems

THE RETREAT

108 THE SPICE OF LIFE

Adding spices to your cooking will liven upyour dishes and awaken your taste buds

116 SPIRIT OF THE SEA

Blow away the cobwebs and freshen up your

rooms with uplifting coastal hues



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Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and ispublished monthly by Kelsey Media 2016 © all rights reserved.Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd.

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G L O B A L E D I T I O N S

P H O T O G R A P H S : S A R A H H

I C K S O N ,

L I B I P E D D E R

6 PS Y C HO LO G I ES M A G A ZI N E J U N E 2 0 1 6

Meet three of the people who have taken part

in the creation of this issue of Psychologies

Caroline BuchananAuthor and journalist

Caroline is an agony aunt, counsellor, journalist

and author of The 15 Minute Rule: How to Stop

Procrastinating and Take Charge of Your Life

(Right Way, £7.99). In this issue, Caroline shares

her journey of flat-sharing after her divorce.

‘I am so grateful for my experience of sharing

my home,’ she says. ‘It helps to teach you not

to be co-dependent and enables you to look

dispassionately at your relationship with a

man.’ Read her story on page 40.

Xochi BalfourAuthor

A wellness and holistic living author, Xochi is an

expert on wholefood diets, natural skincare and

living mindfully. ‘I believe tending to our inner

landscape is just as important for our health as

our outer wellness,’ she says. This month, she

shares her dairy-free recipe for nutmeg and

cardamom cashew milk (page 89). Her book,

The Naturalista: Nourishing Recipes to Live

Well (Headline, £25) is out now.

Jana StefanovskaDirector of NOW Live Events

The founder of Psychologies’ events partner,

Jana is passionate about mindfulness, self-

development and how we can tap into our

creative potential. She is currently studying

counselling at the Psychosynthesis Trust. ‘Our

vision for NOW Live Events is to give readers the

space to find the inspiration and drive to make

positive changes towards the most awake versions

of themselves,’ she says. Read more on page 44.

C O N T R I B U T O R S



F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 4 PS Y C HO LO G I ES M A G A ZI N E 7

Join our tribe! Connect with us on our

website at psychologies.co.uk and on

social media. Share your comments, photos

and inspiration on Twitter (twitter.com/

PsychologiesMag), Facebook (facebook.com/

Psychologiesmagazine), and Instagram

(instagram.com/psychologiesmagazine).

G E T I N T O U C H

And relax…Ta-da! Spring has sprung and we are delighted to launch 360me, our

brand new 24-page wellness section – with some of the world’s mostrespected experts as our new columnists – from Dr Andrew Weil to

the Hemsley sisters. Every month, you will be invited to create a

360-degree holistic plan to ease yourself into feeling well – full of

energy, calm and happiness.

I can feel my shoulders dropping an inch already. It’s been a busy

time at Psychologies. Not only have we been creating our new section,

but we’ve also launched our online courses and Life Labs, our free

membership site (join us at lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk) as well as our

second book,

Real Focus (Wiley, £9.99) to help you take control and

start living the life you want. In our 17-page special this month, Katy

Regan, who wrote the book, tells you exactly what to do when you’re

so busy your hair stands on end. Turn to page 56 to find out.

If all else fails, you can book into one of the six best retreats that we

have visited in the last year (page 100). Or at the very least, subscribe

to Psychologies to get your monthly dose of

inspiration and this month’s gift of a Neom

Real Luxury candle, worth £30 (page 38).This month, you’re also invited to join our

Subscriber Club and get 50 per cent off

meals out with the Gourmet Society, free

two-day passes to Fitness First and save £50

on Virgin Wines, plus many more ways to feel

healthy and have fun. Enjoy!

Suzy GreavesEditor, with Oscarthe office dog

editor’s letter



>>>

It’s an almost universal experience, and yet it is still a taboo. Olivia Laing discusses her own encounter with loneliness, and explains why overcomingany shame in this very human struggle is the first step to a happier life

hearts clubLonely

T hefirsttimeIreally

encounteredserious

intractableloneliness,

Iwasin mymid-thirties.

Arelationshiphad

startedandendedin quicksuccession.

Themanin questionlivedinNewYork

and,whilewewere together,wehad

plannedthatI’dleaveBritainand

joinhimpermanentlyintheStates.

Instead,Iwentalone,livingin arun

ofcheap,tinysublets.Ididhave

friends,butnoneofthe normal

routinesthatconstitutealife (always

aperilforthe freelancewriter),so

itwasnot surprisingthatIbeganto

experienceparalysingloneliness.

Break-ups and moves areexactly

thesortofthings thatcantrigger

a spell ofloneliness – a painful and

distressingfeelingthatmostofus

haveexperienced atonetime or

another. Loneliness is the result

ofnothavingas muchloveand

closeness as wewould like,and

althoughitis oftenthought toafflict

thosewhoaresolitary,itcanalso

strikepeoplein relationships or who

havebusysocia l lives.Simplyliving

alonedoes notmeanyou will feel

lonely,whileevenmar riagedoes

notoffer absoluteprotectionagains t

feelings ofisolationor a longing

formoreintimacy.

FeelinginvisibleOneofthemostfrighteningthings

aboutloneliness is thewayit feels

likeitdrives others away.I remember

sittingas a teenager outsidea train

stationin Worthing,waitingfor my

father.Itwas a sunnyday, and I had

a bookI was enjoying.After a while,

anelderlymansatdownnexttome

and tried repeatedlytostrike up

conversation.I didn’twantto talk

tohim and,after a briefexchange

ofpleasantries, I beganto respond

moreterselyuntil eventually,still

smiling,hegot upand wandered

away.I’venever stopped feeling

ashamed aboutmyunkindness, and

nor haveI ever forgottenhowit felt

tohave theforcefield ofhis loneliness

pressingonme: anoverwhelming

need for attentionand affection,to

beheard and touched and seen.

Ifit’s difficulttorespond topeople

inthis state,it’s harder still toreach

outfromit. Loneliness feels likesuch

a shameful experience– sovery

counter tothesociable,populated

lives we’reall supposed tolead – that

itbecomes increasinglyinadmissible,

a taboostate thatwill causeothers

toturn and flee.

Whatdid loneliness feel like

for me?Itfeltbad. Itfeltlike being

invisible,abouta millionmiles from

anyoneelse.AtthesametimeI felt

painfullyexposed,sticking outlike

a sorethumbina world madeupof

P H O T O G R A P H : S E A N G L A D W E L L / G E T T Y I M A G E S

42 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE APRIL 2 01 6

society


ViewpointLet us know what you think of the magazine and each month we’ll publish the best letters

THE WINNER THIS MONTH

I call this photo ‘Blossom As Promised’ and wanted to catch that moment

when a tree is in full bloom, before its petals begin to drift to the ground

like confetti. Blossom is a classic symbol of spring and a great reminder

that life gets breathed into us again and again. Even after the harshest

of winters, we too can blossom! Jenny Frear

READY FOR HAPPINESSI felt a weight had been lifted reading ‘Lonely

Hearts Club’ (April). I’ve always felt a sense of

loneliness and shame for being different from

those around me, especially my friends.

Thanks to Psychologies, I now understand

why. Emotional neglect in my childhood, plus

the death of my husband by suicide have

fostered my deep feelings of isolation. I’ve now

realised that I am worthy of companionship

and happiness – it’s there to be taken if I allow

myself. I feel ready to let joy and trust back

into my life. Thank you. Katie

PHOTO COMPETITION

STAR LETTER

Would you like to showcase your talents in

Psychologies? Each month, we ask you to

submit a photo on a theme. We’ll print our

winner in the next issue of the magazine

and on psychologies.co.uk, and the winner

gets a prize! The next theme is ‘FOCUS’.

Send your photo attached in an email, with

your address, to pictures@psychologies.

co.uk by midnight on 31 May.*

EMAIL [email protected] THE THEME FOR THE NEXT PHOTO COMPETITION* IS ‘FOCUS’. DEADLINE: 31 MAY.

THIS MONTH’S

STAR LETTER

AND PHOTO COMPETITION PRIZE:

Sukin Supergreens Collection and Gorgeous

Getaways travel set, worth £89.40.**

Win!

PRIZEWORTHOVER

£89



46 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE A P R I L 20 1 6 A P R I L 20 1 6 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 47

THE LIFE LAB }Kim Morgan

Ournewcolumnist,award-winningcoachKimMorgan,helpsalifelongpeople-pleasertobecomemoreassertive

Mysupervisorputhis headinhishands asItoldhim aboutthe

case.Hepointedoutthat I’dcancelledapersonal appointment

toaccommodatetheclient and agreedtoareallylowfeebecause

theMDhadneg otiatedhard.‘Who’sthebiggestpeople-pleaser

intheroom?’he mused.Coachesneedtomodel thebehaviours

they’reencouragingotherstoadopt.‘Dowhatyou’reaskingyour

clienttodoandyou’llbe abettercoach,’hesaid.

Meanwhile,completing thehomeworkhad enabled Judith

toseethatpeople-pleasingwas detrimental toher life,her rela-

tionships,and her career.Sheswungfrombeingcross withher-

selftolaughingat herself.‘Theyall call meJudyatworkbut my

nameis Judithand I don’tlikeJudy.In13years,I’vene ver said

anything– whatis thematter withme?’

Shehad grownupinanenvironm entwhereanger and asser-

tiveness werediscouraged and learned tobelieve saying‘no’

would hurtor upsetpeople and thatothers’needs were more

importantthanher own.Shecouldn’tthinkof anysituationin

whichshedidn’tplease others aboveherself.Wecame upwith

somealternativebeliefs aboutsaying‘no’:

l O t hers havet heright t o as k and I havet heright t o ref use

a request.

l Whensaying‘no’,I’mrefusingtherequestand nottheperson.

Judithagreedtoexperimentbysaying‘no’tolittle things,such

asbeingofferedacup oftea.It’simportanttostartsmalltobuild

c o nfidenc e. S healso d ec id ed o nab iggergo al: t o let everyone

knowthatshelikestobe calledJudith,notJudy.

I can’t say no

YOUR‘INNERTODDLER’

Thinkabouttoddlersandhoweasilytheysay‘no!’Theyareintouchwiththeirneedsandfeelings,momentbymoment.Wewereall

toddlersonce.Wewereallbornassertive.Ifyouhavespentalotoftimeputtingthe

needsofothersbeforeyourown,youmay

havelostsightofwhatyouneedandwhatreallymatterstoyou.Youmightfindyourself

answering‘Idon’tmind’or‘Youdecide’or

‘Itdoesn’tmattertome’whenyouaretryingtomakeplanswithfriendsorfamily,

forexample.

Youcan’taskforwhatyouwantifyoudon’t

reallyknowwhatyouwant.Tofindoutwhatyouwantandneed,getintouchwithyour

InnerToddlerandaskyourself:lWhatwouldIliketoeattoday?lWhatnewactivitywouldIliketotry?lWhatdoIneedtofeelhappyandfulfilled?lHowdoIfeelrightnow?(Inmybody

andinmyemotions)lCompletethissentence‘Iwant…’lCompletethissentence‘Idon’twant…’lIfyoudare,shoutout‘no’atthetopofyourvoice!

ASSERTIVENESSTECHNIQUES

Assertivenessisabouttherighttobetreated

withequalrespect.It’saboutlearningwhatisappropriateandfair,andbalancingyourownrights,wantsandneedswiththoseofothers.

Herearesometechniquestohelpyoupracticeassertiveness:lTrustyourinitialgutfeeling–being

assertiveisaboutdevelopingthehabitofnoticingyourfeelingsandresponses.lDon’texplainorpadexcessivelywhenrefusingarequestorsaying‘no’.lConsiderwhatitsaysabouttheother

personiftheystartbullyingyouorpersuadingyoutochangeyourmind.lBuyyourselfsometimeanddon’trespond

immediatelywith aknee-jerk ‘yes’.lBeawareofyourbodylanguage.Ensure

youarenotsmilingorusingaconciliatorytoneofvoicewhichcoulddiluteyourassertivewordsandmessage.

2

3

Righttorefuse

Judith’s* managingdirector contacted metorequestsome

urgentcoaching for her.Mydiary was heavilybooked soI

cancelled animportantpersonal appointmentand freed

upsometime. I metthem bothtodiscuss thefocus ofthe

coachingsessions.Judithwas a well-regarded manager in

a nursinghome– althoughher lackofassertiveness had

always beenanissue.And nowithad gother intoserious

difficulties.Judith’s inabilityto say‘no’to a pushysales-

personhad resulted inher spendingthousands ofpounds

onunwanted equipmentfor thenursinghome. This had

serious implications bothfor the organisationand for

Judith.Her MD was clear thatthis should bea disciplinary

issuebutbecause Judithwas sucha valued employee,the

c o mp anyw ant ed t o o ff er her s o mec o ac hingt o t ry t o

increaseher assertiveness,rather thangoing downthe

formal disciplinaryroute.

Judithand I had sometimetogether and sheconfessed

tobeinga lifelongpeople-pleaser.Sheavoided conflictat

all costs,hated upsettingpeople,found itdifficultto say

‘no’,tended toletpeople walkall over her and agreed to

things shedidn’twanttodo.After this latestincidentwith

theequipment-buying, shefeltextreme lyguilty and anx-

ious abouther futureatwork.

I gaveJ ud iths o meho mew ork t o d o ahead o f o ur next

meeting:

l Makea listofall theways people-pleasingaffects your life

l Whenand withwhoma reyounota people-pleaser?

l Whatdoyoubelieve will happenifyou say‘no’?

COACHINGSESSION

COACHINGSESSION

COACHINGSESSION 1

ILLUSTRATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

Judith(notJudy) had a newleaseoflife.Shehad beensuccess-

fullysaying‘no’ withoutexcessiveapology or explanations.It

surprised her thatwhenshesaid ‘no’mostpeoplejustaccepted

it.She’d learned thatsomepeopleused emotional blackmail to

trytopersuade her todowhatthey wanted,butshecould now

recogniseand combatthemanipulativetactics theyused.

Changec ano c c ur w henw erealis et hat o ur b ehavio ur is

detrimental tous.Judithhad beenpleasingpeople for years,

butshehad underestimated theimpactofitonher life.Shehad

evenjoked aboutbeinga pushover.Nowthatithad led todisas-

trous consequences for her and her employer,sherealised she

need ed t o c hange. Wit h t hes up p o rt and und ers t and ing

ofher organisation,shehad found themotivation tomake

positivechanges and was feelingthe benefits ofhavingmore

personal power and confidence.

FormorefromKim,gotobarefootcoaching.co.uk

DOITYOURSELFTrytheseexercisestohelpyouovercome

people-pleasing tendencies

• N A M E H A S B E E N C H A N G E D

Aimingtoplease

“ ”Nolimits

D o s s i e r

62 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE APRIL 2016

MINDFULNESS: AFAD, OR FOR KEEPS?You’dbehard-pressedtohavemissed‘mindfulness’asatrendoverthepastyearorso,alongwithitsmanyhealthbenefitsformindandbody.Butis

thisjustthelatestfad?Orisithereto stay? AnitaChaudhuri investigates…

>>>

Unlessyou’vebeenincarceratedin a

Buddhistmonastery,youprobably

knowthatmindfulnessisenjoying

somethingofamoment rightnow.

Oneindicationofitscurrentpopu-

larity is that there’s even a best-

sellingironicLadybird BookForGrown-upsdevoted

tothesubject.‘New sortsofmindfulnessare popping

up all the time,’ the book asserts.

‘There are now courses for aqua

mindfulness, cardio mindfulness,

Cockney mindfulness, honey roast

mindfulness,micromindfulnessand

mindlessness.’

Like all the best satire, it hovers

dangerouslyclosetothetruth.I nthe

realworld,theBarbicanhaslaunched

thefirst‘mindful opera’,oneLondon

gymisofferinga ‘mindfulcoretrain-

ingprogramme’,and therearebooks

oneverythingfr ommindfulgarden-

ingtomindfulageing.The Headspacemindfulmedita-

tionappnowhasthree millionusersin150 countries,

andmindfulnessisbeing taughtinall sortsoforgani-

sationsfromGoogletotheUSMarines.

WHATISMINDFULNESS?MindfulnesshasitsoriginsinBuddhismand waspop-

ularised in its present form by American molecular

biologistJonKabat-Zinn.HestudiedBuddhism with

teachersincludingThichNhatHanhand,in 1979,came

upwiththeidea ofusingBuddhistmeditationto help

patientscopewithconditionssuchaschronicpain.This

led to the creation of the Mindfulness-based Stress

Reduction(MBSR)curriculum,a standardisedeight-

weekcoursethatisnowtaughtall overtheworld.

Inordertodiscoverwhatallthefussisabout,Isignup

formynearestcourse.Iama nimpatient,fidgetyperson

pronetoarichfantasylife,soI’mkeentogive itatry.The

followingafternoon,Ifi ndmyselfatThe Mindfulness

Project HQ, a gorgeous Georgian

townhouse overlooking London’s

Fitzroy Square, with nine other

intrepid menand women.Virginia

Woolfusedtolivenearbyandtheset-

ting, with its period fireplace and

antique plum walls, feels like I’m

attendingacosyliterarysoirée.

DRIFTINGOFF

Ourfirstsessionbeginswithaquota-

tionfromKabat-Zinnthataddresses

aquestionIam tooembarrassedto

ask:whatismindfulnessex actly?‘Knowingwhatyou

aredoingwhileyouaredoingitistheessenceofmindful

practice,’saysourteacher.Sheexpands ontheconcept

thatmindfulness canbestbedefi ned as beinginthe

presentmoment.Then,she encouragesustocontem-

platehowmuchofourlivesarespentonautopilot,going

throughthemotions,butmental lydriftingoff. Social

scientistsfromHarvard*foundthat,onaverage,people

spend47percentofthetimethinking aboutsomething

otherthanwhatthey arecurrentlydoingand thatthis

wanderingmindmakesthemunhappier.

“Mindfulnessisaboutdiscerning ahigherquality ofthinking… you’rechoosing whattopay attentionto”

* M A T T H E W A . K I L L I N G S W O R T H , D A N I E L T . G I L B E R T , S

C I E N C E , 2 0 1 0

J U N E 2 0 1 6 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 9

MINDFUL DANCERThank you for your Mindfulness Dossier

(April). As a professional ballet dancer I’ve

often wondered why I feel more alive, yet

calm, during ballet rehearsals. I used to

think it was the release of endorphins, but

you made me realise that a dancer enters

a deeply mindful state. All other thoughts

melt away as I focus on the complex

movements. Your magazine beautifully

brought home to me the value of bringing

mindfulness into my daily life. Trevor

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO THANK? SHARE YOUR LETTER OF GRATITUDE BY SENDING IT TO [email protected]

I’d like to thank…

THIS MONTH’S LETTER

OF GRATITUDE WINS…

A year’s digital subscription

toPsychologies, worth £28.99

To my fir,The words on the pregnancy test filled me with horror.

It was too soon, we’d only just started trying. I wasn’t

ready. I wasn’t mother material. I liked my life the way

it was. I was utterly terrified and felt sick to my stomach.

I cried myself to sleep that night, wishing you away.

I got my wish, didn’t I? A few weeks later, you left me.

The grief pinned me down and wouldn’t let go. Turns out

I had loved you even though I never knew you. I missed

us growing together. I would never know you or see you

because you would never be here.

Five years later and I am now a mother to a beautiful

four-year-old girl. It’s hard work and some days it’s

overwhelming – but I try to make sure I am the best

mother I can possibly be.

I don’t lie awake worrying about how she compares

to other children – I like awake with a smile on my face

remembering all the funny things she’s said today. These

are the things that truly matter. They’re my daily reminderof what a privilege parenthood is. You taught me that.

You made me a better mum.

Thank you little one for coming into my life, if only

for eight weeks. You showed me that I am stronger than

I think and that I can be a mum. Your life was very short,

but I promise you made a difference and you really

mattered. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Mum

* F O R F U L L T & C S , S E E P S Y C H O L O G I E S . C O . U K

. * * S U K I N S U P E R G R E E N S C H I A S E E D O I L , £ 1 7 . 4 9 ; D E T O X I F Y I N G

C L A Y M A S Q U E , £ 1 1 . 4 9 ; D E T O X I F Y I N G F A C I A L

S C R U B , £ 9 . 9 9 ; F A C I A L R E C O V E R Y S E R U M , £ 1 5 . 9 9 ; N U T R I E N T

R I C H F A C I A L M O I S T U R I S E R , £ 9 . 9 9 ; S U K I N G O

R G E O U S G E T A W A Y S T R A V E L K I T , £ 2 4 . 9 5

JUST SAY NOI’ve recently gone through a break-up

and have realised that I always seem to fall

into the role of being the nice, easy-going

one. I’ll say ‘yes’ just to keep the other

person happy, whether I have the time or

energy to do so or not. It’s not just with

relationships, but also with my family and

friends. Now that I’m single, I’ve realised

it’s time to try putting myself first. I’m

starting by using the assertiveness tips

in Kim Morgan’s ‘I Can’t Say No’ feature

(April). Sarah

feedback

This

month’s

winner



EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT

There is a sunrise and a sunset every dayand you can choose to be there for it. Youcan put yourself in the way of beauty

“ “

CHERYL STRAYED

The Fix

J U N E 2 0 1 6 PS Y C HO LO G I ES M A G A ZI N E 11

News I Reviews I Books I Film I Art

I Ideas

P H O T O G R A P H : E R W I N R E I T E R P H O T O G R A P H Y When did you last go camping? Fifty Places

to Camp Before You Die by Chris Santella

(Stewart, Tabori & Chang, £15.99) has

inspired us to spend a night under the

stars. Try air camping at Waldseilgarten

Höllschlucht in Germany (pictured), and

enjoy the stillness of sleeping at up to

1,000 feet above the valley floor.



WHAT’S A GOOD WORK-LIFE BALANCE? ONE IN FOUR EMPLOYEES AGED UNDER 35 BELIEVE THAT THE IDEAL


For the love of catsCould watching funny cat videos make you

more productive? Research** has shown

that when faced with a dull task, watching

a funny video can help double the time you

spend actively working. Participants who

watched less entertaining videos, about

sport or business, for example, quickly lost

interest in the job at hand. The researchers

explain that by giving yourself a short,

uplifting break, you recharge your batteries

and become more engaged with your work.

OF PEOPLE

WOULD CONSIDER

RETURNING TO

UNIVERSITY

TO PURSUE

THEIR DREAM

CAREER. ONE-

THIRD BELIEVE

THEIR LIFE

EXPERIENCE

WOULD HELP

THEM CHOOSE

A BETTER PATH***

46%

ESCAPE MODEEver found yourself

following your satnav on

a bizarre route, rather thanpicking up a map? It might

be time to listen to your

instincts. When researchers

simulated emergency

situations*, 87 per cent

of participants chose to

follow a robot guide, even

when it took them away

from the clearly marked

exit. Some also trusted

the robot’s instructions

to squeeze through an

obstructed doorway, ratherthan using the clear path

out. That’s our cue to start

that tech detox!

THIS MUST

BE THE PLACE

by Maggie O’Farrell

(Tinder Press, £18.99)

A new Maggie O’Farrell book is

always a cause for celebration,

but her seventh is so brilliant that

you’ll want to unfurl flags and put

up bunting in her honour. It’s the

insightful story of the marriage

of Daniel Sullivan, whose world

is stuffed with complications,

like a cantankerous dad and a

problematic ex-wife, who falls for

reclusive ex-film star Claudette,

who’s handy with a shotgun. She’s

been burned by a past relationship

and is reluctantly romantic, but is

won over, until a secret from the

past sends their worlds into freefall.

The book has a lovely leapfrogging

timeline, jumping from the present

to the future as the beautifully

drawn characters falter when loveand loss take their toll. Wonderfully

written and absolutely addictive. EF

Ferm Living MrSmall Robotcushion,£27,Houseology

Kitty purse, £25,Dune

Bookof the

month




WORKER SHOULD BE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY, EVERY DAY. AND THAT INCLUDES WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS!†

F O R S T O C K I S T S , S

E E P A G E 1 2 2 . B

O O K R E V I E W : E I T

H N E F A R R Y . P

H O T O G R A P H : L I S A C O N G D O N . *

P A U L

R O B I N E T T E , G

E O R G I A I N S T I T U T E O F T E C H N O L O G

Y * * C H E N G A N D W A N G , ‘ E

X A M I N I N G T H E E N E R G I S I N G

E F F E C T S O F H U M O U R ’ , J O U R N A L O F B U S I N E S S A N

D P S Y C H O L O G Y , 2

0 1 5 * * * S U R V E Y O F 1 , 0

0 0 U K A D U L T S ,

M O R A R F O R T H E O P E N U N I V E R S I T Y † R E L A T E , ‘ T

H E W A Y W E A R E N O W ’

‘It’s the centenary of Roald Dahl’s birth this year,

so I thought it apt to record Love from Boy for Book

of the Week’, producer Duncan Minshull tells us.

‘This is a new collection of letters from the author

to his mother, Sofie Magdalene, always beginning

‘Dear Mama’. He wrote hundreds of letters to her,spanning many decades; they covered tales of

schoolboy japes, and crashing his plane in wartime,

to co-inventing a surgical valve that saved his

son’s life. The Dahl sense of thrill, mischief, and

storytelling is ever present in these missives, even in the most trying of times. But

what is most refreshing is a famous, busy, peripatetic son devoting so much time

to staying in touch with ‘Mama’. This alone makes him a national treasure.’

‘Love From Boy: Roald Dahl’s Letters to his Mother’, edited by Donald Sturrock, is Book of the Week from 30 May to 3 June. The readers are Rory Kinnear and Donald Sturrock. For a weekly digest ofbooks programmes, sign up for the BBC Books newsletter at bbc.in/1Lk0BAm

BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL

WE LOVE: Love from Boy: Roald Dahl’sLetters to his Mother(John Murray, £20)

The Joy of Swimming

by Lisa Congdon

(Chronicle Books, £12.99)

‘Water releases us from the gravity

of earth, lifts our bodies, minds,

and spirits, and invigorates us,’ says

long-distance swimmer Lynne Cox.

Her story is one of many featured

in The Joy of Swimming, illustratedby artist Lisa Congdon. From

open-water pursuits, to meditative

swimming and using the sport to

aid cancer recovery, the uplifting

stories and illustrations will inspire

you to put on your swimming

costume and take a dip.

‘The Joy of Swimming’ by Lisa Congdon,is published on 25 May.

Our friends at Radio 4 tell us why

they think you’ll love this book:

the fix




F O R S T O C K I S T S , S E E P A G E 1 2 2 . * R E S E A R C H

B Y I M A X I N C O N J U N C T I O N W I T H T H E ‘ L O V E F O R M O V I E S ’ C A M P A I G N

* * W A M M E S E T A L , ‘ T H E D R A W I N G E F F E C T : E

V I D E N C E F O R R E L I A B L E A N D R O B U S T M E M O R Y B E N E F I T S I N

F R E E R E C A L L ’ ,

Q J

E X P P S Y C H O L , 2 0 1 6 * * * H A T E M I E T A L , ‘ G E N E T I C I N F L U E N C E S O N P O L I T I C A L I D E O L O G I E S ’ , B E H A V I O R

G E N E T I C S , 2 0 1 4

“If we open ourselves upto the choices we are

making, every momentpresents us with the

potential for recalibration

towards the life we want,should we notice and

choose to take it” BEV MORTON

Bev Morton is a coach and social entrepreneur who helps peoplecreate aligned lives. She leads the ‘My Next Chapter’ workshop

at The School of Life on 25 June. Book at theschooloflife.com

HAPPY

RUNNING Struggle to stick to your

morning run? Trying a

more challenging route

could help maximise your

happiness and energy.

Researchers† following a

runner for 10 weeks found

that the harder the run, the

happier she felt. The most

challenging runs boosted

her self-awareness and

sense of reward, helping

her body prevent and

recover from injuries. Use a

running watch to challenge

yourself to an extra five

minutes on each run.

60%

HEAD IN

THE STARSAudrey Hepburn once said:

‘Everything I learned, I learned

from the movies’, and, it turnsout, she’s not alone. Research*

shows more than half of us

admit to making a life-changing

decision after watching a film.

Going travelling, changing

careers and proposing to a

partner were among the

changes spurred by movies,

with drama the most common

genre to make viewers review

their lives. Want to feel inspired?

Rain Man, Erin Brockovich and

Avatar came in as the films

most likely to prompt a change.

The art of remembering You’re in a room, but have you forgotten what you’re

looking for? Could creative list-making boost your

memory? Researchers** found that drawing engages

the brain more than writing, visualising or talking.

In the study, people who doodled objects were able

to recall 50 per cent more in a surprise test. Just four

seconds of drawing is enough to focus our memory.

OF OUR POLITICAL VIEWS ARE SHAPED BY

OUR ENVIRONMENT, BUT WE INHERIT 40

PER CENT OF HOW WE VIEW SOCIETY FROM

OUR PARENTS***

Popcorn phone case,£10,Claire’s Accessories

Upcycled blue Arohanecklace, £10.70,DaWanda

Aight DesignerSlap On watch,£49.95,

Cuckooland

HALF OF THE UK IS DISSATISFIED WITH THEIR SLEEP, WITH 25% GETTING LESS THAN 5½ HOURS EACH NIGHT. PEOP

School of Life lessons

the fix




F I L M R E V I E W : A L I R O F F . †

J O H N S O N E T A L , ‘

A N

U L T R A - R U N N E R ’ S E X P E R I E N C E O F P H Y S I C A L

A N D E M O T I O N A L C H A L L E N G E S D U R I N G A 1 0 - W E E K C O N T I N E N T A L R U N ’ , I S S P , 2

0 1 6

† † T R I P A D V I S O R S U R V E Y † † † R E S E A R C H F R O M T H E U N I V E R S I T Y O F L E E D S A N D S I L E N T N I G H T

Directed by Stephen Frears

For heiress and socialite Florence Foster Jenkins (Meryl Streep),

wartime New York is her stage and playground. Supported by friends

and peers, she takes up singing lessons and decides, after some

small (ill-advised) encouragement, to put on a concert and perform

her soprano operatic ‘talent’ to the world. But there is one problem:

Florence cannot sing a note. Although slightly self-important and

completely unaware, Florence is adorably endearing; winning over

her audience at Carnegie Hall and we cinema-goers alike, as the

incredibly versatile Streep casts her spell, making us fall utterly in

love with Florence. Shining a spotlight on the importance of chasing

dreams and ‘having a go’, Florence Foster Jenkins’ true story will

take you on a roller coaster of laughter and heartbreak. Her words:

‘People may say I can’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing’,

beautifully show her attitude to her life, and her passions.AR

Florence Foster Jenkins

OF WOMEN ARE

PLANNING A

SOLO HOLIDAY

IN THE NEXT

YEAR OR HAVE

PREVIOUSLY

TRAVELLED

ALONE††

74%

IN LEICESTERSHIRE, WORCESTERSHIRE AND EDINBURGH ENJOY THE BEST SLEEP – JUST UNDER EIGHT HOURS†††

Filmof the

month



Trek in the spectacular Simien Mountains of Ethiopiaand raise funds for the charity of your choiceFor more information and to register online:

www.actionforcharity.co.uk01590 646410 | [email protected]

Ethiopia20-31 October 2017

T R E K T H E S I M I E N M O U N T A I N S

Climb to the summit of Ras Dashen (4,620m) the fourth highest mountain in Africa



P H O T O G R A P H : A N D R E W M

A Y B U R Y / G A P P H O T O S

FOLLOW THE GREAT WAKE UP! BLOGGERS AT LIFELABS.PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/CHANNELS/297-THE-GREAT-WAKE-UP


the great wake up

Guerrillagardening

Wake up now! Author, speaker and Upping your Elvis founder Chris

Baréz-Brown has teamed up with Psychologies on a

12-month experiment to help us break our routines.

We will introduce the experiments one by one each

week and, at the end of the month, review the results.

Chris Baréz-Brown asks you to be mischievous, be

surprising and plant something green in an empty space

O ne thing I am a massive fan of is creating a

little mischief, especially when that mischief

can bring a smile to the faces of others.

Guerrilla gardening has been catching people’s imagina-

tions and inspiring spadework for decades. It involves

provoking change by bringing nature to spaces where it

doesn’t exist. The added bonus; gardening is proven to help

fight depression, stress and anxiety.

We can all find an empty space that needs some colour.

Be creative; many pavements have patches of soil around

unloved trees shouting out for a shot of green finery. Sow-

ing seeds or bulbs gives us a sense of anticipation from

which we benefit enormously. Research shows experiences

(and waiting for them) give us much more pleasure than

the instant gratification of buying things. It gives you a

stronger sense of who you are, brings you closer to others

and makes you happier. Sow seeds, plant bulbs or start the

foundations for a bigger garden. The choice is limitless.

In this process, we’ll probably feel a little nervous as well

as excited, because we’re doing something a bit naughty;

we will also get a kick out of someone else noticing a splash

of beauty in a place where it shouldn’t quite be. Maybe, it

will help them wake up too.



Vanessa King, positive psychology

expert at Action for Happiness,

recommends a book every month

to improve our happiness levels

P H O T O G R A P H : G A L L E R Y S T O C K

CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB HERE: PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/GET-YOUR-HAPPINESS-CLUB-STARTED


How to be happier

P sychological research into what helps

us lead happier lives has exploded in the

last few years, but if it just exists in aca-

demic journals, what good is it? That’s why I wrote

10 Keys to Happier Living – A Practical Handbook for

Happiness (Headline, £12.99), to help people get to

know the active ingredients in happiness, those

areas where we can take action in our daily lives.

The 10 keys are a menu, not a prescription. We’re

all different, so what works for us varies. It will also

vary at different times, too. When things are going

well, it’s good to know how to maintain and enhance

that and, when we’re facing challenges, other actions

help us to pull through. Explore what works for you.

One habit I’ve developed since learning about its

benefits for my mind is moving more. I make sure

to get outside each day for a jog or a walk – even ifonly for 10 minutes. This helps me think more

clearly, creatively and effectively, and also helps me

cope with stress.

Experimenting, trying new things and learning

are all keys to happiness. As well as being a source of

pleasure and fulfilment, they can fuel our creativity.

You don’t have to take a big plunge – just get curious

and learn or try something new.

3 QUESTIONS TODISCUSS THIS MONTH

●What daily actions that you do currently

most contribute to your happiness?

●What ways of thinking help lift you up

when you feel down?

●What one new happiness-boosting activity

will you try?

happiness book club



profile

“I am a deeply happy person: as life goeson, you realise whatgreat fortune that is ”

W

e have grown up with Julia Roberts. She won our

hearts as the prostitute with the mega-watt

smile in Pretty Woman, won an Oscar as deter-

mined environmental activist Erin Brockovich, and won ourrespect for her consistent ability to be both kind and fierce

in real life. Throughout her incredible career, she’s become

an iconic movie star, yet we love her not because of her star

status, but because she remains very real despite the Holly-

wood madness. She’s known for her wicked sense of humour

but rarely swears off screen; she’s one of the most beautiful,

desired women in the world, but will absolutely not do full

nudity on camera. She’s the iconic movie star who still main-

tains the morals and manners of a girl from the American

South. The epitome of Hollywood via Smyrna, Georgia.

Roberts was born to Betty Lou Bredemus and Walter

Grady Roberts, who both had roots in theatre and later

co-founded an acting school in Atlanta. After graduating from

high school, Roberts followed her brother – actor, Eric – toNew York and signed with a modelling agency. These early

days in the city were typical of a young woman with talent

and big dreams. Working as a model to pay the rent and going

to auditions, Roberts landed a few TV bit-parts and her first

film role in indie hit Mystic Pizza.

But it only took one role in 1990 to transform this jobbing

actress into a screen icon: Pretty Woman. It may not have been

the most convincing casting ever, but it’s hard to imagine

anyone else as the feisty-but-naïve prostitute Vivian, who

won the hearts of audiences as well as that of Richard Gere’s

Julia Roberts is starring with George Clooney in new film Money Monster

this month. In our profile, we look at her career, which spans nearly threedecades, and reveal what drives her, inspires her and keeps her grounded

>>>

JULIA ROBERTS

WORD S KAREN ANNE OVERTON

PHOTOGRAPH BRINSON + BANKS/ THE NEW YORK TIMES/REDUX/EYEVINE




>>


“My responsibility as

an actor is to portray a person who’s a brokenshell. I don’t know howmuch mascara thatwould require”

billionaire playboy, Edward Lewis. In real life, Gere wasn’t so

easily convinced, as Roberts recently revealed. Talking at an

event for her most recent film, Secret in Their Eyes, she remi-

nisced about their initial meeting more than 25 years ago.‘Garry Marshall (the director) dropped me off at Richard’s

house and then left us alone to get to know each other,’ she

said. ‘After about 10 minutes, Garry called and asked Richard

how things were going. While Richard was talking to Garry,

I could tell he was still hesitating. I needed the job, so I took a

Post-It note and wrote on it, “Please say yes!” and pushed the

note over to Richard. He burst out laughing and told Garry,

“Yes.” A few months later I learned that he had turned down

the part several times, one of the reasons being that he hadn’t

found the right partner. We’ve been friends ever since.’

Family commitmentThankfully, Roberts’ determination and charm paid off: the

film went on to gross $464million worldwide, and established

her as an A-list actress. From Steel Magnolias to Sleeping With

the Enemy, from Notting Hill to Ocean’s Eleven and Eat Pray

Love, Roberts continues to be a huge box-office draw. Now 48,

with more than 50 films and an Academy Award under her

belt, Roberts is a world away from the Hollywood hustle. She

picks her roles carefully and only works occasionally. This

decision is not as a result of accumulated fortune or fatigue,

but simply a change in priorities; for the past 13 years Roberts

has been happily married to cinematographer Daniel Moder, whom she met on the set of 2001’sThe Mexican. She is mother

to Henry, 8, and 11-year-old twins Phinnaeus

and Hazel, and the family split their time

between a ranch in New Mexico and a home in

Malibu, where Roberts insists they get on with

their lives with as much privacy as they can.

This shift means Roberts is less inclined to

spend days or weeks on a film set far from

home, away from her family, but she does insist

on taking parts ‘when it’s correct and feels

right’. In a 2014 interview* she admits: ‘I still

feel very clear that I owe it to myself as a crea-tive person and a person who’s worked their

whole life, really, to still have t hat motion. I

think anybody owes it to the people they’re

attached to, to not give up on that.’

This attitude has helped Roberts to main-

tain her artistic freedom as an actress and

allowed her to take some challenging, exciting

roles. In Secret in Their Eyes, she plays a woman

whose daughter has been murdered and who

is now hellbent on catching the killer. Her

character isn’t glamorous – she is a distraught mother – and

Roberts’ make-up-free appearance, with her characteristi-

cally glossy locks left unkempt, reflects that. W hen asked if

she considered it ‘risky’ to appear on screen not looking her

best, Roberts bit back in her famously feisty manner: ‘My

responsibility as an actor is to portray a person who’s a broken

shell. I don’t know how much mascara that would require.

‘It’s interesting to me because on A Normal Heart [the 2014

HBO drama in which she played pioneering Aids researcher

Dr Emma Brookner] I got the same kind of questions: “Is it

liberating to be unglamorous?” As an actor, my responsibilityis to be truthful and authentic to this person’s experience.

How do you do that? And not put on a

mask or get too contrived? I found it

exciting to experiment with that.’

The real dealRoberts is always refreshingly frank

about her authenticity, especially

when talking about society’s attitude

towards ageing in women. ‘It’s unfor-

tunate that we live in such a panicked,

dysmorphic society where womendon’t even give themselves a chance

to see what they’ll look like as older

people. I want to have some idea of

what I’ll look like before I start clean-

ing the slates,’ she has said**. ‘I want

my kids to know when I’m pissed off,

when I’m happy, and when I’m con-

founded. Your face tells a story… and

it shouldn’t be a story about your

drive to the doctor’s office.’

THE FILM:MONEY MONSTER

Directed by Jodie Foster, Money

Monster sees George Clooney and

Julia Roberts star as financial TV

host Lee Gates and his producer

Patty Fenn, who are put in an

explosive situation when an irate

investor who has lost everything

(Jack O’Connell) forcefully takesover the studio. During a tense

stand-off broadcast live to millions,

Lee and Patty must work against

the clock to unravel the mystery

behind a conspiracy at the heart of

today’s fast-paced, global markets.

And if you’re wondering where you

know O’Connell from, he first found

fame playing lads from the wrong

side of the tracks in Channel 4’s

Skins and This Is England. W O R D S : K A R E N A N N E O V E R T O N / I N T E R V I E W H

U B .

P H O T

O G R A P H S : R E X

* T H E D A I L Y T E L E G R A P H , *

* E L L E M A G A Z I N E † T H E S T A T E S

M A N

† † A

L L U R E M A G A Z I N E , A

L L U R E . C

O M , O

C T O B E R 2 0 1 5




Starring as prostitute Vivian Ward with her goodfriend Richard Gere in Pretty Woman in 1990

As bereaved mother Jess Cobb with ZoeGraham in dark thriller Secret in Their Eyes

Roberts’ Oscar-winning turn as environmental activistErin Brockovich, with Aaron Eckhart as George

Her latest role as TV producer Patty Fenn in the thrillerMoney Monster reunites her with George Clooney

Roberts’ latest screen outing is Money Monster , with old

friend George Clooney. He plays a financial TV personality

taken hostage by a viewer (Jack O’Connell) after he dispenses

bad investment advice. Roberts stars as his on-screen pro-

ducer and love interest, desperately trying to rescue him.Clooney is another strong male presence in her life; she con-

siders the actor one of her best friends and, over the past

15 years, they’ve starred in several films together. She has

said previously that their friendship, which was initially

based on teasing and pranks, experienced a shift when she

became pregnant in 2004 and visited Clooney at his home –

he insisted she rest and not walk up the stairs. The pair have

a rare on-screen chemistry, and in Money Monster her char-

acter’s concern feels truly genuine. The film’s director, Jodie

Foster, has said† landing the pair was a ‘godsend’: ‘The two

most-loved movie stars in Holly wood. It was really fun to

have both of them. Fun for them to be together.’ This year will

also see the release of family comedy Mother’s Day. The film

is nostalgic for Roberts on two fronts; directed by Pretty

Woman director Garry Marshall and filmed in Atlanta,Georgia, it takes her back to her roots.

On the outside, Julia Roberts is not so different from the

young actress who charmed Richard Gere back in 1990 with

her huge smile and infectious laugh, but there is new confi-

dence and power, hard-earned through g rit, determination

and an enduring belief in herself and her values. ‘I am a gen-

uinely and deeply happy person, which, as life goes on, you

realise what great fortune that is,’ Roberts said last October††,

‘to feel like you just have the natural chemistry of joy.’

‘Money Monster’ is released on 27 May

profile



I L L U S T R A T I O N : R O S E B L A K E / C E N T R A L I L L U S T R A T I O N A G E N

C Y .

* A R O N E T A L , ‘

I N C L U S I O N O F O T H E R I N T H E

S E L F S C A L E A N D T H E S T R U C T U R E O F I N T E R P E R S O N A L C L O S E N E S S ’ , J P E R S S O C P S Y C H O L ,

1 9 9 2 ; * * A R O N

E T A L , ‘

T H E E X P E R I M E N T A L G E N E R A T I O N O F I N T E R P E R S O N A

L C L O S E N E S S ’ , P E R S S O C P S Y C H O L B U L L ,

1 9 9 7 ;

† R E I S & S H A V E R , ‘

I N T I M A C Y A S A N I N T E R P E R S O N A L P R O C E S S ’ , P E R S S O C P S Y C H O L ,

1 9 8 8

Learn to be intimateEvery month, Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good

SHARE YOUR INTIMACY STORIES AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIESMAGAZINE AND ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

THE THEORY When we think of ‘intimacy’, most of

us probably think about sex. But we

can have sex without intimacy, and intimacy

without sex. Intimacy can be present in all

close relationships, whether with partners,

parents, children or friends, and increased

connectedness can lead to greater happiness.

The need for intimacy is primal. Studies

show that infants not only like physical and

emotional closeness, but fail to thrive without

it, while the absence of intimacy in sexualrelations can lead to unhappiness and even

depression. In The Psychology of Intimacy,

Karen Prager says, ‘Intimate relationships

seem to buffer people from the pathogenic

effects of stress.’ She adds that during stressful

life events, people with intimate relationships

have fewer stress-related symptoms.

But what is intimacy? A 1992 study* defines

closeness as, ‘including other in the self’,

while in a 1997 study** by the same authors,

psychologist Arthur Aron says, ‘This feeling

of interconnectedness is similar to what someresearchers call intimacy.’ A 1988 study † found

that intimacy is a process in which each person

feels that their innermost self is validated,

understood and cared for by the other.

Intimacy also pertains to families and

friendships, and experts suggest that it is

intimacy that gets us through tough times

and is the glue that bonds families together.

MIND

THE PROJECTCloseness and intimacy aren’t just

fun – they are essential human needs.1THE AIM Allowing more intimacy into your life

can help boost levels of happiness.2

NOW TRY IT OUT●Get interested in others. ‘You can make more friends in two months

by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by

trying to get other people interested in you,’ says author Dale Carnegie.

Learn to ask about other people and you’ll feel closer to them.

●Ask 36 questions. Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron found that

couples who develop intimacy are more likely to enjoy enduring, happy

relationships. Use their 36 questions to foster and fast-track intimacy.

Find the test at 36questionsinlove.com.

●Show empathy. Being empathetic increases intimacy. If a friend iscross with you, acknowledge that she’s upset rather than be defensive,

and you’ll allow her to process her feelings and so increase intimacy.

●Have fun. Whether it’s a relationship with a partner, friend or child,

a key to building intimacy is to have fun joint experiences. Try finding

‘animals’ in the clouds or telling each other your favourite jokes.

3

MARTHA ROBERTS is an award-winning UK health writerand mental-health blogger at mentalhealthwise.com

he life lab

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Positive psychologist Vanessa King is author of new book

10 Keys to Happier Living. Here, she shares some lessons

she’s learned on the winding path to her own fulfilling career

P H O T O G R A P H : G E T T Y I M A G E S

You won’t alwaysknow your destination

What I do now didn’t exist when I started out. Although

I studied psychology, back then the field was focused on

why things go wrong with our minds and how to cure that.

Now there is much more research on prevention or how

we help people to flourish – an area I discovered I was

passionate about. This has taught me three things:

● We don’t all have to have a clear long-term goal – justknow your direction of travel in the short and, if you’re

lucky, medium term.

● Make choices that help you to build capabilities that

will be useful in a range of contexts.

● Keep plugged in to areas that interest you. Not only

will this help you continuously learn, it will increase the

likelihood of spotting new opportunities and options as

they emerge. I discovered the shift in psychology early

on, so I was able to get a solid grounding in it. This meant

that I was ready when opportunities arose.

The stepping stones maynot go in a straight line

My initial aim was to build a career in business, so my first

step was to train and qualify as an accountant. Looking back,

it was entirely a ‘ head’ decision, rather than including my

heart. I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

However, looking at the parts of the work that I liked

helped me realise I was interested in the people side of

organisations, so the next section of my career was inhuman resources. I got a job focused more on motivating

people. My interest in this led me – eventually – into a

consultancy role, helping organisations and people to

develop, which was a key step towards what I do now.

As we are all likely to be working longer, thinking of

our careers in phases – rather than as a single trajectory –

may be really helpful. Comparing where I started with

where I am now, it seems like they are far apart, but

each move was a stepping stone to the next, even if they

seemed from the outside to be in entirely different fields.

2

A happiercareer path

>>


1

work



>>

28 P S Y C HO L O G IE S M A G A ZIN E J U N E 2 0 1 6

Keep

connectedShared experiences create bonds –

I find that even people I haven’t seen

for a while are usually willing to help

or share ideas if you ask. That makes

it easier for them to ask you. This

can be invaluable in tough times

that we all experience in our careers.

After I left accountancy for HR,

the bank I was working for hit a

crisis and many people were made

redundant, including me. One ofmy accountancy friends was a great

source of support at that time – she

was a consultant who’d provided

services at the bank and suggested

I might try that type of work. She

introduced me to the consultancy

firm where she worked and, after a

lengthy interview process, I got a job.

Many of us from those days still

work together from time to time on

freelance projects, and we’re always

there for each other if we need ideas,information or even an introduction

to someone else who might be able to

help. We meet up a few times a year.

It’s always interesting and fun.

These days, with social media,

it’s easier than ever to stay in touch,

even if loosely. So stay connected,

ask for help when you need it and

be sure to help if you can when

someone asks you.

4

5 With hindsight, it’sclear why my first

career step as an accountant was

not a great fit for me. I am curious,

interested in what’s new, learning,

and good at research. I love travel.

I’m creative in terms of solving

problems and my approach to new

things. I’m social and like working

together on ideas. I love what I call

‘orchestrating’ – bringing together

disparate parts to create something

new or make a whole. What I do

now is a much better fit for me.

The clues to all this were there

from an early age, but I didn’t see

them. As a child, I pushed beyond

boundaries to find out about the world; I went travelling on my own;

I studied sciences but most of my

friends were creative in some way.

As a young child, I designed a school

– the uniform, the name and the

motto, a register of all the names,

the curriculum – everything!

Our strengths are what we’re

drawn to or energised by. Talents

are what we’re naturally good at;

areas where we learn fastest and

often associated with the words

‘I love to…’. Reflect on what you’ve

always loved to do. What’s at the

essence of those things? Find ways

to use them more in your daily life.

Tune in to

your bigquestion

During a training session, a colleague

once asked: what’s the question that’s

guiding your work and life right now?

This came to mind after I’d been a

consultant for a decade – helping

organisations implement new ways

of developing talent and managing

performance. The question I had

in mind was: ‘What next?’ My work

was enjoyable, but I’d been doing it

for a while and I wasn’t sure it made

enough of a difference.

My question led me to attend a

conference. One of the talks was on

the effects of nurturing what’s best

in people rather than only correcting

what’s wrong. Research showed this

helped make people happier, healthier,

and more successful at work, too.

There was even a masters degree

in the subject, the psychology ofoptimal f unctioning (or positive

psychology, as it’s more well known).

So I took a sabbatical and went to

the US to study. In many ways, this

was the least rational decision in

my career. It was financially costly:

I walked away from earning for a

year, while paying university fees and

living expenses. But it felt right. I knew

it would help answer my question.

After my degree, a chance meeting

led to me being introduced to thedirector of new charity Action for

Happiness, whose aim was to increase

psychological wellbeing. He needed

help but had no budget. I volunteered.

It was tricky financially, but led to

opportunities to help individuals,

organisations, schools, communities,

and most recently to writing my

book, 10 Keys to Happier Living

(Headline, £12.99).

Look for clues to yourstrengths and talents

3

“ Talents are what we’re naturally good

at; areas where welearn fastest. Reflecton what you’ve alwaysloved to do. What’sat the essence ofthose things?

“

work



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>>>

Amy Fleming was a stressed city-dweller with little time

for reflection. But equine therapy, which harnesses the

sensitivity of horses to reflect our emotions, changed

her thinking and behaviour

power

Horse

T he weather is bright and

fresh. Shadows roll over

the surrounding fields andI’m tearful but elated, after

finally acknowledging a troubling issue

I’d dismissed for too long. This is the

last of eight equine-assisted therapy

sessions, during which, hanging out

with horses has shown me that I often

ignore how I’m really feeling, how this

affects my actions, and how effective

I can be when I live in the moment.

This has been my first foray into

therapy and working with horses. I’m

a working Londoner: far too busy torelax or look within. I’ve never been

diagnosed with a mental health issue;

I’m just your average anxiety-ridden

modern woman, familiar with panic

attacks, migraines and the vein that

pops on my right temple when I have

too much on. Having recently turned

40, I’m on a mission to learn how to

be less short-fused, for the sake of my

two small children as much as myself.

After moving with my family to

Gloucestershire, I discovered the Red

Horse Foundation around the corner,describing itself as ‘a centre for

equine-assisted psychotherapy and

learning’. I grew curious about this

therapy. The first review paper into its

efficacy was published in March 2015*,

finding benefits including recipients

learning to read non-verbal cues, to

trust, nurture and be assertive, gaining

greater self-esteem, self-control,

empathy, self-awareness, emotional

awareness and ability to focus. It is

increasingly used to help vulnerableand mentally ill children, who resist

conventional treatment. War veterans

past and present have also turned to

horses to help with post-traumatic

stress disorder. A clinical psychiatry

study** last year found that equine

therapy significantly reduced

physically aggressive outbreaks in

violent psychiatric patients. Since its

inception in 1999, it is now offered in

49 countries, by 4,000 practitioners.

So what is it about horses, I wondered,

that makes them so healing?

Nowhere to hideIt was something of a relief to discover

that it doesn’t all hinge upon horses

being magical, spiritual creatures.

They may well be beautiful and fun,

but it’s their size and wariness that

makes them effective as mental-

health tools. Being herd and prey

animals, horses are keenly alert

to non-verbal communication and

potential danger. They can tell if anearby predator is in hunting mode,

and if a person is calm and confident

enough to t rust at any given moment.

Recent research shows that they can

even read human facial expressions.†

There’s no faking it with horses,

which is why, with the lightest of

guidance from a (human) therapist,

they can hold a mirror up to you. They

are also non-judgmental and like being


P H O T O G R A P H : L A U R E N C E M O N T O N / C O R B I S .

* H

T T P : / / O N L I N E L I B R A R Y . W

I L E Y . C

O M / D O I / 1 0 . 1

1 1 1 /

H S C . 1

2 2 0 1 / F U L L .

* * H T T P : / / P S . P

S Y C H I A T R Y O N L

I N E . O

R G / D O I / F U L L / 1 0 . 1

1 7 6 / A P P I . P S . 2

0 1 3 0 0 5 2 4 .

† M C C O M B ,

K A R E N E T A L ,

‘ F U N C T I O N A L L Y R E L E V

A N T R E S P O N S E S T O H U M A N F A C I A L E X P R E S -

S I O N S O F E M O T I O N I N T H E D O M E S T I C H O R S E ( E Q

U U S C A B A L L U S ) ’ ,

B I O L O G Y L E T T E R S ,

2 0 1 6

society



>>>


stroked as much as dogs and cats.

Petting a half-tonne beast to sleep is

wonderful, but no matter how friendly

a horse might be, the dangers posed by

its sheer heft holds our attention andbreaks down psychological barriers.

In equine therapy, there is no riding

involved. Sessions start in a yurt, with

a chat and body scan with practitioner

and Red Horse founder Lisanne Peters.

Then we walked among the herd. Being

small and unfamiliar with horses, I felt

most comfortable with a grey pony,

Sugar. Afterwards, I had to imagine I

had a horse’s body, with two back legs,

behind me. It made me feel positively

monolithic. Lisanne suggested I try

this visualisation when I feel uneasy

or am struggling with the children.

All in good time As I grew more comfortable, I started

working with Sugar in a big arena. My

first task was to approach her in my own

time, clip a lead rope to her collar and

take her for a short walk. I employed

my usual tactic of aiming to get it over

with as fast as possible. Only I couldn’t,because she blanked me, studiously

scratching around for food instead.

Lisanne reminded me there was no

rush, and I noticed how I’d pressured

myself to do it without stopping to

plan or pay heed to my reservations.

I was encouraged to stroke Sugar,

get to know her, then lead her only if

I felt comfortable enough. Sugar grew

docile, lowering her head in submission

and softening her eyes. I looked at the

horizon and led her towards it.More insight came when we started

to explore boundaries. Lisanne began to

march towards me, almost menacingly,

and I was to raise my hand when she

got too close. I had no idea where my

boundary was; I wanted to be polite

so I tolerated her for as long as I could,

raising my hand way after – she said

– my body language had warned her

off. So I allowed my hand to shoot up

at my first twinge of discomfort, as she

approached from four sides, marking

my boundaries until I was luxuriating

in a vast circle. She pointed out that

Sugar could sense my boundary and

was resting outside it. These days, she

said, ‘we tend to ignore our bodies’

messages, but the body always knows’.

With each session, leaving my

preoccupations at the gate and being in

the moment came easier, but there was

no room for complacency. It took me

a few weeks to coax Sugar into letting

me hold a hoof. When we next met, I

was antsy after a migraine and a bad

night’s sleep. Sugar was antsy, having

been bitten by midges. We were in asmaller arena and she was angling to

be let out, encroaching on my space to

make her point. Lisanne encouraged

me to channel my masculine side and

say, non-verbally: ‘If you want to come

out, then it needs to be on my terms.’

By standing square to Sugar, shaking

the lead rope, I got her to retreat a few

steps where she waited calmly.

I later tried a similar exercise in

assertiveness, while holding a chunk

of apple. I led her around, then stoppedand made her step back before allowing

her to take the treat. Lisanne asked me

what I was feeling that had made it go

well. ‘Very present,’ I replied – a total

turnaround from when I arrived.

Obstacle courseFor my final session, I was asked to set

up two obstacles, each signifying big

life events, followed by a jump. I chose

having children, and my husband’s

brain injury after a road accident.

I constructed a challenging tunnel

out of traffic cones and jump supports

for the brain injury. For the kids, I laidout small white cones in a fun zigzag.

It didn’t go as expected. The tunnel

was a breeze but things fell apart at

the cones. Not only would Sugar not

budge, she backed away from me. I had

to admit to myself that parenting is

rarely easy and can make me feel baffled

and trapped. I knelt down to Sugar,

reassured her, and led her the simplest

route through the cones and over our

triumphant jump. We made it.

I’m still a work in progress, and with

the way life twists and turns, that will

always be true. But I’ve experienced

how much more effective I can be

by taking things slowly, being more

considered and respecting my feelings

and instincts. And, added bonus, I now

know how to make friends with horses.

For more about Red Horse Foundation, visitredhorsefoundation.org

“ No matter howfriendly a horsemight be, the dangersposed by its sheer

heft holds ourattention and breaksdown barriers

“

MORE INSPIRATION

lEAGALA is the leading

international non-profit association

for professionals using equine

therapy to address mental health

and human development needs.

eagala.org/uk

lThe Equine Assisted Education

& Therapy Centre for London is

a non-profit specialist stables in

Edgware, north London, whichexclusively serves vulnerable or

disadvantaged young people and

adults offering therapy services

and alternative education

provision.

sihequinetherapy.org

lTo learn more about training

in equine therapy:

bacp.co.uk/cpd/cpd_details. php?id=87&event=599

society



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‘I prefer to patch withinteresting fabrics orrepaint surfaces, rather

than buy new things’

>>>

WORDS JO LEEVERS PHOTOGRAPHS PENNY WINCER


my home

F

or an interior designer whose

work has been seen on TV by

millions, Lucy Tiffney’s own

home is refreshingly down toearth. In fact, with spaces that are rich

in ‘where-did-you-find-that?’ pieces, as

well as quirky fabrics and creative art-

works, it’s the polar opposite of a seam-

lessly slick designer home.

‘If people come here expecting just-

so arrangements of flowers and layers

of taupe on grey, they will get a bit of a

surprise,’ says Lucy with a smile. ‘My

home isn’t what you’d call “designer-ey”

– instead it’s a moodboard for my work.

It’s where I play with ideas, mix colours

and look for inspiration.’

It’s also very much a family home forLucy, her husband Tiff and their sons

Frank, 13, and Leo, 16. ‘And, let’s face it,

a house with two teenage boys is never

going to be about immaculate spaces,’

she adds. ‘I prefer a home to feel personal.

If it’s full of the things that you have

collected over the years, then it says

something interesting about you.’

Lucy has always had an eye for the

unusual. As a child she’d fashion toys

and puppets from scraps of fabric; and

then, in her teens and twenties, travelling

in southeast Asia got her hooked on

vibrant colours. ‘I was going out with aguy whose parents lived in Singapore,

so we used to head there for the holidays

and travel around the region a lot. We’d

go to India on one trip, then China the

next… At the time, I just knew I was very

lucky to have the opportunity to travel.

However, in retrospect, it has been a big

influence on my style,’ she says.

Chinese tin robots, Indonesian fabrics

and carved statuettes were just some of

Lucy Tiffney’s home is an unpredictably brilliant mix

of colourful collectables and bespoke designs

“My home is

my moodboard”



A pegboard in Lucy’s

studio displays someinspiring objects from

near and far, including

a tin guitar from a local

car boot sale, a Mount

Fuji plaque bought in

Japan and a doll that

Lucy fashioned fromold toys



ABOVEAND LEFT

Robin Day’s Polochairs in traffi c-lightshades mix in withsecond-hand numbersin Lucy’s creative andcolourful studio

RIGHT Son Leo’sroom is decoratedwith a graffi ti muralthat reads ‘Vision’.Lucy can recreate thisor similar bespokemurals for clients

‘We thought the bus blind wasClapham, London, but it turnedout to be a Clapham somewhereelse entirely! But we still loveits character and history’



>>>


LEFT ANDABOVE Lucy lovesthe way typographyand old signs addan element ofsurprise, and shemixes letteringwith artworks inthe living room.The painting overthe bed is by Lucyand the bedroomcushions are inIkea fabric

my home

the pieces Lucy brought home, while ‘the

bright, uplifting shades made an indelible

impression that’s stayed with me.’

Lucy did a degree in textiles and

managed a rug design studio before she

retrained as a lecturer, so that her work

could fit around family life. Today, her

bespoke rugs and murals are uplifting

mosaics of colour and shape – designs

that reached a wider public when sheappeared on BBC2’s The Great Interior

Design Challenge earlier this year.

‘It was the best, but also the most

surreal, experience of my life,’ Lucy

remembers. ‘You’re immersed in this

crazy, full-on world that’s incredibly fun

and inspiring – but you can’t tell anyone

what you’re doing! You are whisked off

to a secret location and work your socks

off every day, then sleep in a hotel far

away from your family and everything

familiar. You come away thinking, “Did

I really do that?” I was so chuffed to

make it into the final and I absolutely

loved doing it.’

Lucy has used the experience to

branch out into interior design and is

planning to make digital print versions

of her painted wall murals ‘for people

who love the style but aren’t in themarket for a bespoke version’. Her TV

stint also means news of her talent for

reworking old pieces of furniture has

spread. ‘I hate that word “upcycling,” but

there is so much that goes to waste in

our culture – from furniture and picture

frames to vintage clothes. I can still see

the beauty in something that has been

well used, and I love working out ways

to revitalise it for its second lease of life.’

Since the TV programme, ‘it’s got to

the stage where neighbours pop by my

house on their way to the local dump,’

says Lucy. ‘I recently acquired a chest

of drawers and a bag of fabric that way.

People know I’ll invariably say, “I can do

something with that.” And if I can’t, I’ll

pass it on to the charity shop.’

Some reworked second-hand finds

have joined the array of humorous,quirky and lyrical motifs in Lucy’s own

home, while others might be reworked

for customers who want to add person-

ality to their home. ‘I love bringing fresh

ideas into a client’s home,’ she says. ‘But

I would always advise them to treasure

their own pieces that are personal, hand-

made or one-offs,’ she adds. ‘And, to go

easy on the beige.’

See Lucy’s work at lucytiffney.com



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Caroline Buchanan rented out a room to

assist with the bills

after a painful divorce.

But sharing her home

platonically with a man

helped her in ways

she never envisaged

Just goodflatmates…

love



>>>


P H O T O G R A P H S : D O N N A D A Y / G E T T Y I M A G E S

H

e really was tall, dark and

handsome. His name was

Gabriel, he was available

and easy to be with. Andalthough this was the first time I had

met him, I detected he had warmth

and felt comfortable in his presence. So

when I opened his email the following

day I was truly shocked.

‘I can’t move in with you Caroline,’

he’d written, ‘because I find you too

attractive. But, as we are both going

through a divorce, I wonder if you’d

like to have dinner with me?’

I read it again because I thought I

was seeing things. This strange man,

who had just applied to share my flat,

was drop-dead gorgeous and literally

20 years younger than me!

After several gulps and more than

a few delighted smiles, I typed a reply. I

explained that I was very flattered, but

was in no way ready for a relationship

of that kind, because I knew I needed

to work though a lot of stuff since my

husband suddenly left me for another

woman. His overnight departure hadtapped into childhood abandonment

issues, so when he pulled the rug on our

marriage with lightning speed, I found

it very traumatic. My world was turned

upside down, inside out – emotionally

and practically. In the same week as he

left, I was made redundant from my job

as a magazine agony aunt – a position I

had held for nearly 17 years. It never

rains, and all that.

So I needed a flatmate to help me

with the bills, which were suddenly allmine. What I hadn’t expected was that

the flatsharing experience would turn

out to be fantastically healing, after I

decided to advertise my spare room

on a flatshare site and didn’t specify

gender. I did, however, request a cheer-

ful disposition. My ex-husband is the

complete opposite of that and it’s tiring

living with someone who hardly ever

smiles and has zero joie de vivre.

I met with a few other prospective

flatshare candidates, then Gabriel, with

his lovely Spanish accent, contacted

me again and we decided to meet up tohave a chat. After a sensible talk, we

elected for him to take my spare room,

with the proviso of a month’s notice

either side. We also agreed there was to

be no funny business. Clearly missing

my agony aunt role, I had also pointed

out to him that it would be a good idea

if he didn’t rush into another relation-

ship with anyone either!

Gabriel is a trained architect whomoved into IT. In his spare time he’s

into photography, at which he is very

talented. He was sad about his divorce

and heartbroken at having to live apart

from his young son. I too was missing

my beloved only child, my 29-year-old

daughter, who now lives in Cape Town.

Easy living Sharing my home with Gabriel proved

to be much easier than I imagined.

The day he moved in, I told him I’dcook him a meal that evening but

pointed out that this wasn’t part of the

service. I just knew he’d want to bring

wine, but informed him in advance

that he’d be drinking alone because I

didn’t drink. After well over two years

off the sauce, I didn’t want to have a

glass of wine just to please a man

I’d recently met. Boundaries – I was

learning the art at last, it seemed.

Generally speaking, we cooked for

ourselves and effortlessly negotiated

the kitchen and bathroom. It didn’t

need any working out. We also seemedto naturally understand when to give

each other space, and when to sit down

and have a good old chat. Gabriel was

a movie buff and sometimes invited

me into his room to watch a film. His

television was at the foot of his bed,

so the only real place to sit was on the

bed. I perched on the edge that first

time. ‘Lie back and relax,’ Gabriel said.

‘It’s all right!’ I squawked. ‘I need to be

able to reach my tea.’

It wasn’t very long before Gabriel

started dating, but I had no desire to

do the same myself. I knew I needed

to be completely whole before I even

contemplated such a thing. I set him

up on a blind date with a friend of mine

though – but she had to cancel at the

last minute. All dressed up and ready

to go, he was disappointed, and went

onto Tinder to cheer himself up. He

didn’t come home that night… or the

next one. He was playing the field,but I suspected at the back of it that

he was looking for ‘The One’. Men do

seem to leap into relationships more

quickly than women.

While I could see that Gabriel had

a lot going for him, I genuinely wasn’t

tempted. I didn’t want to get involved

with a man again out of any kind of

neediness. I’d been unhappily married

and, as that was something I don’t want

to repeat, I’m going to make sure that

the next relationship – if there is one – will be the icing on the cake.

After a few months of happy flat-

sharing, Gabriel decided to move back

to Spain. Otherwise there was no way

he was going to have any chance of

proper access to his son. I advertised

for a flatmate again. This time, Gary

turned up. He was a Yorkshireman, 10

years younger than me, long divorced,

and has two grown-up daughters. Gary

“ “

Sharing my home

with flatmates has helped me to acceptthat we all haveirritating habits and

we can all learn tolive and let live




“

“ I learned to takea look at my people-

pleasing side withmen, and becomemore assertive about

what I needed, fora change

is a pilot who enjoys his travelling

adventures. He doesn’t like to be any-

where for very long.

Again, this flatmate was such easy

company – positive and jolly. Gary and

I had good chats, quite a few laughs,and absolutely no hassle over sharing

the bathroom and kitchen. Oh, except

for one thing – he took up nearly all of

my freezer space, telling me I didn’t

need to freeze milk because he would

walk around to the shops and get some

if I ran out. I’m pleased to say that I

stood my ground and said I choose to

have milk in the freezer!

Anyway, Gary has now gone off to

fly aeroplanes in Africa, so I have no

idea what the next instalment of my

flatsharing adventures will be.

Learning from experience

But I am so grateful for my experienceof sharing my home with these two

men, and I recommend it – as long as

you choose a flatmate wisely. It helps

to teach you not to be co-dependent,

among other things. It enables you to

look dispassionately at a man, and your

relationship with him, because you’re

not romantically involved with the

man you are living with.

What I have learned is to take a look

at my people-pleasing side with men

and become more assertive about

what I need, for a change. It has shown

me what I like – and don’t like – about

living with a man. It’s working out a

relationship that has no neediness on

either side and recognising the huge

benefits of that. It’s taught me that I’m

‘normal’ and pretty easy to live with.

It’s affection without sex. It’s intimacy

without complications. It’s a balance

of male and female that can work very

well. It has definitely boosted my con-

fidence – and ease – with men. It has

helped me to accept that we all haveirritating habits and we can all learn

to live and let live.

I had tried to end my marriage

several times in a friendly way, but my

ex said we couldn’t afford to part. He

obviously saw the writing on the wall

but decided he couldn’t leave me until

he’d found someone to go to. The sad

thing is, I’d only stayed with him for

as long as I did for three reasons: 1. I

didn’t want him to suffer the pain of

abandonment; 2. financial insecurity;and 3. he was good at the ‘boys’ jobs’.

Numbers two and three were soon

sorted out and number one was sim-

ply co-dependent thinking. I didn’t

want to hurt him, but I know now that

I sure hurt myself by staying.

Get a free three-day trial of our new Life Labs Practical Wisdom online course, How to SaveYour Relationship, at psychologies.co.uk/ life-labs-online-courses. The full course isavailable for purchase at the launch price of £47.

love



JOIN US!In partnership with NOW Live Events, we’re offering two workshops:speaker and coach Jackee Holder on how you can heal your life through

writing, and Tom Chatfield on how to step away from the screen and focuson what you love. Plus get confident with us at HowTheLightGetsIn

BOOK NO W!




DATE: 3 May TIME: 7pm-8.30pm VENUE: Conway Hall,

25, Red Lion Square, London

WC1 4RL COST: £20

Writing is one of the oldest

forms of therapy and it’s been

shown that keeping a journal where you write

about your emotions regularly can boost your

mental and physical wellbeing, helping you to

feel happier. In this life-changing workshop

with inspirational speaker, coach, writer and

Psychologies Life Labs blogger Jackee Holder,

you will practise expressive and therapeutic

writing techniques designed to deal with

everyday stresses, dilemmas and challenges

to create opportunities for personal insight.

DATE: 13 June TIME: 7pm-8.30pm VENUE: Conway Hall,

25, Red Lion Square, London

WC1 4RL COST: £20

In an age of disposable media

vying for our attention, author of

Live This Book! (Penguin, £8.99) Dr Tom Chatfield

presents a variety of exercises to help you direct

your time and attention towards the ideas, people

and relationships that really matter. In this

inspiring workshop, you will put away your phone,

leave your email unanswered, and give some

undivided attention to the people you care about,

to the things that really count, and to yourself.

Writing to heal your life with Jackee Holder

HowTheLightGetsIn

Step away from the screen, with Tom Chatfield

JUNE WORKSHOP MAY WORKSHOP

MAY FESTIVAL

Join us! Buy tickets at nowliveevents.org/tickets Join us! Buy tickets at nowliveevents.org/tickets

P H O T O G R A P H : M A R I N T O M A S / G E T T Y I M A G E S

IN THIS WORKSHOP, YOU WILL:

●Explore key writing prescriptions as remedies

to understand emotions and problems

●Find ways to get meaning in your life

●Use writing as a tool for cultivating

self-awareness and confidence

IN THIS WORKSHOP, YOU WILL CONSIDER:

● How long it is since you last told somebody

close to you that you love them

●How to learn a completely new skill

●How to step away from the screen

●How to celebrate your best habits –

and the passions that truly make you

feel alive

DATE: 26 May-5 June VENUE: Hay-on-Wye

COST: From £64. 700 events, 370 music acts,

240 debates and talks, 11 days, 10 stages

Psychologies is delighted to be the media

sponsor of HowTheLightGetsIn – the world’s

largest philosophy and music festival, with

thought-provoking debates, infectious music

and legendary parties. This year, the theme

is ‘The Known, The Strange and the New’

– come along to Psychologies’ Confidence

workshop, led by editor Suzy Greaves, on

Sunday 29 May, at 1pm in the Pavilion, and

discover how to step into ‘the new’ as we

reveal the secrets to stop feeling small

and start being brave.

The 2016 programme is set to be bigger

and better than ever, with a line-up of

world-leading speakers and performers,

from Mercury Prize nominees ESKA,

Grammy-nominated Zero 7, Ghostpoet,

Gilles Peterson, King Charles and comedian

Robin Ince. Early headline speakers include:

philosopher Roger Scruton, actress Sally

Phillips, professor Frank Wilczek, former

London mayor Ken Livingstone, Green Party

leader Natalie Bennett, journalist Owen

Jones and professor and author Simon

Baron-Cohen.

Festival Tickets are available for the first Bank Holidayweekend, Midweek or Finale weekend, or a specialdiscounted 3-in-1 Festival Ticket for the whole 11 days.

Prices start at £64 for a midweek ticket to £178+ for thewhole 11 days. Accommodation and other extras, includinga luxury yurt, can be booked with tickets. Book athowthelightgetsin.iai.tv/festival-passes

events




Our new columnist, award-winning coach Kim Morgan,meets a woman who puts work before everything else

in her life, and tries to help her balance her priorities

Esther* was a successful television executive in her early

60s. I’d been asked to coach her by her employers, who

told me, ‘Esther takes being a workaholic to another level.She’s in the offi ce before anyone else and is always the last

to leave, often after midnight. She doesn’t look after her

health and had a heart attack a few months ago. She has

returned to work sooner than her medical team advised.

We’re worried she’ll work herself into the grave. We’ve

tried to speak to her, but it’s like talking to a brick wall.’

I said I was surprised that Esther had agreed to see me.

Her employers confessed she’d agreed reluctantly, saying,

‘She’s quite dismissive of any “fluffy, touchy-feely stuff”,

as she calls it, but we’ve insisted she gives it a try.’

Coaching a client who doesn’t want to be coached is not

easy, but Esther had not refused to see me, which was

encouraging. When we met for the first session, I was over-

whelmed by the extent to which work dominated her life.

She wasn’t really fully present in the session, checking herphone for emails and appearing impatient with the reflec-

tive nature of the coaching process. Her biggest concern

was to protect her professional reputation, as she thought

ill-health would affect people’s view of her ability to do her

job. I discovered that she worked seven days a week and

had no outside interests. Her husband had given up expect-

ing to spend time with her and took holidays alone because

Esther thought holidays were a waste of time. She asked to

cut the session short as she had a meeting to go to, and we

agreed to a second coaching session in two weeks’ time.

COACHING

SESSION 1

ILLUSTRATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

• N A M E H A S B E E N C H A N G E D

Obsessed with work

“My job isall-important ’’




Before our second session, I met with my supervisor for someguidance. ‘I felt like a failure; I couldn’t get through to her at

all,’ I said. ‘She was obsessed with her work persona and

I didn’t get close to the real person.’ My supervisor said that

people who have a work addiction have a distorted sense of

reality. This can destroy their family life and health, just like

any other addictions. In the end, all that matters to them is

public recognition of their success.

My supervisor commented that I seemed really upset and

he challenged me about whether I’d recognised something of

myself in Esther. This was hard to admit, but true. I realised

Esther represented the person I would be in the future if I

were to carry on working the way I did. It had been like hold-

ing up a mirror to my own behaviour and it was a big moment

in my life that led me to make some important changes.

When Esther and I met again, I could see she was not well.

She told me she’d experienced some complications following

her surgery and early return to work. She had not told her

employer about this, either. I was shocked by her disregard

for her life, her health and her employer. I challenged her:

‘How is making reality TV programmes more important than

your life?’. I also encouraged her to access some support:

‘What support do you need to enable you to stay at home and

recuperate? Who can give you this support?’

I learned that fear was at the root of her work obsession.

Esther told me that she grew up in poverty because her father

didn’t like work and she was determined that she wouldn’t be

like her father and would never be poor again. I congratulated

her on achieving her childhood goal and encouraged her toconsider that she could let go now, but to no avail. At the end

of our second session, Esther said she didn’t want to continue

with the coaching. ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,’ she

said, and winked at me as she swept out of the room in a hurry.

I felt like I had let her down, but I was reminded that suc-

cessful coaching requires a desire to change on the part of the

person being coached. I often think about Esther and hope

that she was able to gain a new perspective on life and work

before it was too late for her.

For more from Kim, go to barefootcoaching.co.uk

TAKE SOME TIME TO WRITE

DOWN YOUR ANSWERS TO

THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

●What has been my life’s purpose?

●How would I sum up the message

I have given to others?

●How would I like people to describe

my character and personality?

●What do I think has been the best

thing about my life?●What has been important to me?

●What have others admired about me?

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY – HOW

TO BREAK THE WORK CYCLE:

Putting all your eggs in one basket and

having just one source of self-esteem is

not a good strategy for personal happiness.

What would happen if that single source of

self-esteem disappeared? Think how you

can feel good about other areas of your life

besides work, such as your health, wellbeing,family, friends, social life, holidays, learning,

and helping others. Then find ways to

implement changes to make these other

areas more prominent in your life.

CHANGING BEHAVIOUR REQUIRES

PLANNING AS WELL AS DESIRE. SET

YOURSELF SOME NEW RULES FOR

LIVING A MORE BALANCED LIFE:

●Plan your working hours and stick to

them. Leave work on time. Be accountable

to someone else to ensure you do this.●Move more. Schedule in time to get

outside at least once a day. Get back in

touch with your body and how it moves.

● Have technology-free time each day

and don’t respond to emails immediately.

It’s fine for people to wait for a response.

● Take up a new hobby and remember

the importance of play in our lives.

● Ask yourself regularly: ‘Am I living the

way I would like to be remembered?’

2 Facing the truthCOACHINGSESSION A life well lived

What would you like people to sayabout you at the end of your life?

It had been like holding up a

mirror to my own behaviourand led to important changes “ “

the life lab

c o a c h i n g



WORK

THE PROJECT We all know it’s hard to leave work

at the offi ce. Thanks to smartphones

and the web, it can be impossible to resist

catching up on evenings or weekends. When

you’re not working, job-related thoughts can

tug at the mind, distracting you from family

time, or keeping you awake. Fortunately,

there are ways to switch off.

THE AIMThe frustrating truth about worry is

that it changes nothing, yet knowing

that doesn’t make the worrying stop. Worse

still, tell yourself to stop thinking about

something, and suddenly, it’s all you can

think of. That leaves two alternatives. One is

distraction: an absorbing novel or hobby will

drag your attention from work. The other,

less well-known approach, is to move towards

the worry – to focus on it – in a fruitful way.

THE THEORYOne major reason we worry, argues

productivity coach David Allen, is

that we’re subconsciously afraid of forgetting

important stuff, so our minds keep poking us

with reminders. The solution? Keep a really

comprehensive to-do list in a notebook or on

your phone. Write down every task you can

think of, and your mind will gradually trust

that things aren’t being overlooked, because

they’re on the list, so compulsive worrying will subside. A related principle, the Zeigarnik

effect, describes how only unfinished tasks, not

completed ones, prey on the mind. So it pays to

consciously tie up loose ends before you leave

the offi ce. Institute a half-hour ‘shutdown

ritual’: reply to emails, put files away and

confirm plans for tomorrow. You can then

focus on family, friends and relaxation.

NOW TRY IT OUT●Use a worry jar. Silly as it sounds, research shows that if you write

your concerns on slips of paper, then put them in a screw-top jar, this

symbolic ‘sealing off’ will keep them from disturbing you as much.

●Structure your leisure time. Work thoughts flood into free time

partly because we like to keep leisure unplanned. It’s ‘free time’,

after all. Yet most people actually enjoy leisure more when it’s

planned: a specific gym class or monthly book group, say. Such

plans create mental walls that keep unwanted worries out.●Schedule a worry period. Psychologist Robert Leahy suggests

planning a half-hour per day – maybe a stroll after dinner – to

spend on worrying. Take your to-do list. Then when worries emerge

at other times, write them down. With a specific time assigned

for them, your brain won’t trouble you the rest of the time.

OLIVER BURKEMAN is the author of ‘The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking’ (Canongate, £8.99)

1

How to switch off properlyEvery month, Oliver Burkeman invites you to improve your work life

2

3

I L L U S T R A T I O N : R O S E B L A K E / C E N T R A L I L L U S T R A T I O N A

G E N

C Y

TELL US HOW YOU SWITCH OFF AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIESMAGAZINE AND TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG


the life lab

e x p e r i m e n t



Exams, social media, body obsession – many experts believe

teenagers are under more pressure than ever before. What can

we – and they – do to help? Martha Roberts seeks expert advice

Totallystressed

Teenagers have always

been a worry. Back in

1904, psychologist Gran-

ville Stanley Hall said

that a world of ‘temptations, pre-maturities, sedentary occupations

and passive stimuli’ was making it

a treacherous time for adolescents.

Yet many experts – and many in the

general population – believe that

their world in 2016 is more hazard-

ous than it’s ever been. So what can

we do about it?

Our panel of experts give their

views on some timely issues.

Problem: There’s intense pres-

sure to succeed academically. ‘By

the time children hit the teen years,

most parents are so panicked by the

need for stellar exam results that we’reon their case almost all the time,’ says

Tanith Carey, parenting expert and

author of Taming the Tiger Parent:

How to Put Your Child’s Well-being

First in a Competitive World (Little,

Brown, £8.99). ‘But imagine how you

would feel if you found your boss wait-

ing at home for you every night to

grill you on your performance? Yet we

feel entitled to bombard them with

suggestions about what they should

be doing better.’

Stop acting like a career coach.

‘British youngsters are already the

most tested in the world and get somany assessments that it’s likely your

teen will know exactly how they are

doing,’ she adds. ‘Skip the performance

reviews and let home be a haven from

the pressures of the outside world,

where they can relax and recharge.

Whether it’s walking the dog or having

a drink together in a café, find regular

slots for the two of you to be together,

no strings attached and no pep talks.’


>>>

family

P H O T O G R A P H S : G E T T Y

I M A G E S



>>>


Problem: They are overprotected

and lacking in resilience. ‘When we

were younger, we went around rela-

tively unsupervised and learned to

solve problems, and negotiate and

manage situations by ourselves,’ says

Dr Claire Bailey, GP and founder of

ParentingMatters.co.uk. ‘But now we

massively over-supervise our children,

for example, constantly checking on

their whereabouts. In a bid to keep

them happy and comfortable, we are

actually preventing them from natu-

rally developing their own resources

and resilience to handle life.’

AIM for emotional resilience. ‘As

well as encouraging physical resil-

ience – for example, allowing them to

go out to play by themselves – it’s

important to encourage emotional

resilience,’ she continues. ‘Don’t take

ownership of their problems; don’t

jump in and criticise their choices.Remember ‘AIM’ when communicat-

ing with them: say ‘Aha’, then ‘I see’

then ‘Mm’ rather than saying ‘Why are

you doing that?’ Let them make their

own choices, solve things their own

way and make mistakes.’

Problem: They are on the front-

line of our 24/7 world. ‘The fear of

missing out on what others are doing,

coupled with the development of

technology, including wearable tech-nology, makes it difficult to escape the

24/7 world. Using more than one

device at a time is tempting, but we

know that can increase the sense of

pressure,’ says Dr Mark Winwood,

clinical director for psychological

health at AXA PPP healthcare. ‘People

sharing their highs (without the lows)

online leaves some teenagers feeling

their own lives are imperfect, plus the

pressure to be ‘always on’ can lead to

sleep being sacrificed too.’

Screen their screen time. ‘Putting

a stop to screen time an hour before

bed and resisting the impulse to check

messages during the night is a start,’

he suggests. ‘It’s important to remem-

ber that multitasking (or multiscreen-

ing) is not helpful. Adults should be

good role models, too. Aim for a good

night’s sleep and look to catch up with

friends in person the next day.’

Problem: There is a schism

between parents and teens. ‘In a

recent survey by young people’s organ-

isation NCS, half of the teens said that

they were worried about disappointing

their parents,’ says Janey Downshire,

teen development counsellor and

co-founder of Teenagers Translated.

‘The same study found many adults are

struggling to understand the conceptof teenager stress, with nearly 40 per

cent thinking they are exaggerating

and 15 per cent not believing it.’

Learn about teen behaviour. ‘Parents

need to understand their teenager’s

changing behaviour,’ she says. ‘Our

advice is to keep up to date with any

research (for example, we know the

teenage brain is vulnerable – due to

plasticity – to addiction) and carve out

time to have discussions where the

youngster is encouraged to set theagenda. Parental unconditional love

and support during the vulnerable

teen years is vital.’

Problem: Bullying is still rife. ‘An

online survey discovered that almost

half of respondents aged between

11-16 had been cyberbullied at some

point,’ says Anastasia De Waal from

Bullying UK. ‘Confrontational bullying

also remains an issue, especially at

school (95 per cent of incidents), and

mostly consists of name-calling (83.2

per cent). More than a third of chil-

dren did not confide in their parents.’

Discuss mobile and internet use.

‘We encourage parents to talk to their

children about how, when and whythey use their mobile phone or the

internet,’ says De Waal. ‘Help them to

block online bullies and recognise

online unpleasantness for what it is.

For face-to-face bullying, you can

request greater supervision at school,

especially of unmonitored areas such

as the toilets. And invite a number of

other children around regularly to

help forge stronger friendships.’




Problem: The breakdown of adult

relationships. ‘Latest government

statistics estimate that 42 per cent of

marriages in England and Wales end in

divorce,’ explains leading family law-

yer Ayesha Vardag. ‘Although divorce

per se isn’t bad for teenagers, all the

conflict and unhappiness that can goalongside it can cause problems. A

child is like a psychological sponge,

soaking up all the arguments, bitter-

ness and bad feeling expressed by

those around them.’

Keep things amicable. ‘Try to discuss

everything together as a family, keep

things as amicable and as honest as

possible and don’t disregard your teen-

ager’s feelings,’ she advises. ‘Explain

everything to them with sensitivity and

candour. Talking to a counsellor (either

individually or as a family) or a trusted

friend may help them. Reiterate that

the divorce is not their fault, that they

shouldn’t blame themselves. Be good-

natured, not petty, when working out

a financial deal, and don’t sweat thesmall stuff. And never use the children

as emotional leverage.’

Problem: Fleeing the nest can

leave them flailing. ‘Teenagers are

often very well supported in their final

year in sixth form, but they may need

help so that they don’t become a ‘fall-

ing fledgling’ when they then go off

to university,’ Dr Richard Bowskill,

consultant psychiatrist at the Priory

Hospital in Brighton and Hove, says.

‘It’s a time of enormous change in their

lives; they’ll probably be living away

from home for the first time, disman-

tling old friendships, ending romances,

as well as discovering how to become

more independent learners.’Know limits. ‘Parents can assist this

transition by talking to them on an

adult-to-adult basis and help them to

learn their own limits, for example, dis-

cussing ways to negotiate safe alcohol

consumption – helping them to under-

stand alcohol units,’ he says. ‘Encour-

age them to contact the university in

advance to access extra support if they

already have anxiety or depression.’

“

“ Whether it’s walking the dogor having a drinktogether in a café,find regular slotsfor you and yourteenager to be

together, no stringsattached and nopep talks

family



MARY FENWICK is a businesscoach, journalist, fundraiser,mother, divorcée and widow

GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email [email protected],with ‘MARY’ in the subject line

FOLLOW MARY ON TWITTER@MJFenwick


I miss my husband in so

many ways, but the loss

of someone to share these

concerns about children

with is one of the hardest. You have lost

the person who cared on the most

Q

Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new

perspective on whatever is troubling you

How can I helpmy daughter?

A

”

”

section on self-harm will help you;contacting them by either email or

phone will help even more.

I do want to tackle one of your fears

directly. Your GP is human, and quite

possibly a parent, and will be at least as

cautious about medication as you are,

not least because anti-depressant use

is strictly regulated for under-18s.

The usual treatment for self-harm

will involve talking therapy, but it will

always depend on the quality of the

relationship your daughter is able tobuild with the counsellor. A different

person could make a big difference.

Ask your GP surgery who deals with

teenage mental health in their practice

and get an appointment with that

person. Do not put this off. Self-harm

is definitely a greater danger to your

daughter than talking to a GP. (See the

feature in this issue about helping

stressed-out teens, page 50).

I have four daughters

and my husband died

three years ago. My

16-year-old has always

been the ‘quiet one’ with only a few

friends, but is also very clever, witty

and great company. Last year I got acall from her school telling me that

she was self-harming. I didn’t see this

coming and was completely floored.

We’re all very close at home and we

have coped with the loss of their father,

so I don’t feel this is the issue. The

school gave her counselling (which

didn’t seem to help) and now say she

should see a GP. But I’m worried that

a GP will just put her on medication.

Part of me wonders if she enjoys the

attention this gets her from the staff when she struggles to feel accepted

by the students. What can I do?

Name supplied

profound level, not only about the

children, but about their mother.

There is a special sort of loneliness

to being the adult with a house full

of people who need you, and I’m

concerned that isolation might have

crept up on you. Does anyone elseknow how afraid you are right now?

I’m part of an informal network

of local parents of teenagers, which

happened when I started to be more

open about challenges in my own

family; the jungle drums connected

me with others. That’s how I know

that you are not alone in your fears.

It’s important that your daughter

sees you reaching out for help, so she

learns that she is not alone either. Let’s

be clear though: self-harm is always asign of something seriously wrong. It

relates to feelings of isolation, anger,

guilt or despair. The challenge as a

parent is to stay calm and caring, so

she knows you can manage her distress,

and she can trust you for support.

If you Google ‘save the parents’, you

will find the helpline of the Young

Minds charity (see ‘More Inspiration’

opposite). Reading their website



the life lab

s e l f

P H O T O G R A P H : V I C T O R I A B I R K I N S H A W


“My lack of confidence is holding me back ”

“Should I be honest with my boyfriend?”

I’m in my 20s and have just

been made redundant from

a job I didn’t really enjoy. I

feel lost and not sure what to

do now. I live at home with my parents

and have enough money saved to go

away for a few months and see some

of the countries I’ve always wanted

to see, but I have a lot of fear. I’m

self-sufficient, but lack confidence,

and I’m not sure if I’m brave enough

to go travelling on my own. What

should I do? Name supplied

The emotions of redundancy

make it hard to think straight.

Even if you didn’t like the job,

you would have preferred that leaving

was your choice. The challenge is to take

charge of small choices, to rebuild your

confidence in bigger decisions.

Another way of looking at it is in

terms of push or pull motivations. You

have been pushed out of your job, and

you feel a pull towards travelling. In

general, pull motivations can be more

powerful, as you have your own internal

motivations to keep going – whereas no

one likes to feel pushed around.

One option is travel, but that picture

is not clear enough to energise you yet.

You could perhaps combine travel with

voluntary or paid work, or learning

something new. Any of those could

provide more concrete structure, as well

as new companions for the journey.

What small element did you enjoy of

your last job, or in previous roles? What

did you imagine yourself doing before

you fell into the job that you didn’t like?

Can you shadow a friend in a great job

for a day? Or travel, even within your

own country for a few days, to do some

groundwork for the job you’d really like

to do? The research shows that adults

do better when they try things out, not

just think about them.

Take small steps and find something

fun every day. I’ll give you a link (see

‘More Inspiration’, below) on the value

of building hope into your life. It’s a

better predictor of success than talent

alone. Well done on having saved some

money, too. Statistically, that makes you

unusual, not only financially, but in

terms of sticking to a plan once you

decide on it. That’s a great start.

My boyfriend of seven

months (close friend of

over a year) is amazing

and I think we’ll marry

one day. Shortly before we got into

a relationship, I slept with a mutual

friend and I’m thinking about telling

my boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s the

right thing to do. I fear that he’ll beupset and lose trust in me. He’s very

sensitive and I don’t want to cause

unnecessary pain. What should I do?

Name supplied

I feel as if I’m missing

something. It sounds as if

you feel guilty, and I don’t

understand what you think you did

wrong. Would trust be an issue because

you haven’t talked about this earlier?

I’m puzzled, and slightly concerned

if you can’t talk openly to the man you

might marry about your life before

you got together. Part of getting to

know each other is to share things

you feel vulnerable about. It sounds

as if you know his vulnerabilities,

but he also needs to know yours.There are two of you in this

relationship. You think he is amazing,

and sometimes it can be hard to step

back from that and consider how he

actually meets your needs.

You could frame this as part of your

deepening commitment: I trust you,

and want you to know more about

me than anyone else does. However,

please listen carefully to how your

boyfriend responds. In a marriage,

you will have many times where you

share difficult news together. How do

you want that to be? If it all rests on

your management of information and

his pain, it’s quite a task.

A

A

Q

Q

MORE INSPIRATION

Contact Young Minds helpline

for parents on 0808 802 5544;

youngminds.org.uk

Browse psychologytoday.com/

blog/beautiful-minds/201112/

the-will-and-ways-hope

Read Psychology of Hope: You

Can Get from Here to There by CR

Snyder (Simon & Schuster, £20.99)

Read Real Confidence by

Psychologies (Wiley, £9.99)



THEBUSYNESS

EPIDEMIC

Dossier

“Being busy does not always mean real work.Seeming to do is not doing”

Thomas A. Edison


‘How are you?’ people ask. The answer is almost always: ‘SO BUSY!

Just mad, hectic, crazy busy’. That’s right, we’re living in the age of

the ‘busyness epidemic’ – if we aren’t pulling our hair out at the sight

of our overloaded to-do lists, we feel eerily ill at ease, or worse, justplain unimportant. So what’s the deal? Why are we all running

around like headless chickens, and how can we stop?

The answer is focus. Focus not on more to-do lists, but on the

things that actually matter. It’s time for a wake-up call and a

permission slip; to focus on the things that count for you, and forget

the rest. Could it be the key to a less hectic life? Put down the to-do

list, push the hair out of your eyes, and find out…



D o s s i e r


BUSY DOINGNOTHING When stressed-out and permanently busy Katy Regan was asked

to write a whole book on focus, all her friends laughed. But if anyone

needed to write that book, it was Katy, and if she can learn how to focus

and start living a more meaningful, less stressful life, anyone can

>>>

S

aturday morning, 9am, and I’m slightly

hungover. Last night, I had an almighty

row with my 11-year-old son, culminat-

ing in one of those farcical tugs-of-war

for the remote control, and me tucking

into a bottle of white to decompress oncehe’d finally gone to bed. So now I’m running about the

house trying to find my swimming

costume because today I’m going on

a spa mini-break with friends and

my lift will be here any minute (why

did I not pack last night, you ask?

Well, I was far too busy!).

Lift turns up, but ‘I can’t talk!’ I tell

my friend as I open my laptop on my

knees, because I’ve got a feature to

finish and send by the time I get there.

If I don’t, I’ll have to cancel the ‘full-body relaxing massage’ I booked. Let’s

not even talk about the layers of irony. My friend rolls

her eyes. ‘Typical,’ she says.

A few days after the spa trip (I never did find my cos-

tume and missed my treatment…) I was asked to write

a book on focus. My friends all laughed. So did I, to be

honest. Me? Write a book on focus? It was like asking

Pete Doherty to write about clean living. Also, I was just

so busy being a mum, journalist, novelist, friend – try-

ing to find things I’d lost – when would I find time?

But, after some consideration, I saw I was possibly

the ideal person; that I needed to write a book on focus

for me. Because no matter how busy I was; in fact

because of it, I was anything but focused. Instead, I was

a headless chicken going from one crisis/task/deadline

to the next, frittering away time on social media andflapping. There didn’t seem to be 10 minutes free in the

day, and yet I didn’t feel like I was

achieving anything much at all.

The ironic thing was, that after

being asked to write the book on

focus, I began focusing on how I was

living, for the first time, possibly

ever. I hadn’t really thought about it

until now, when it struck me: if con-

stant busyness wasn’t the answer

to a meaningful and fulfilled life –

what was? I was about to find out.

THE BUSYNESS EPIDEMIC

If writing the book, Real Focus (Wiley, £9.99), taught me

anything – and if there’s any nugget of wisdom I’d like

to pass on – it’s that we need to look at this word ‘busy’

and see it for what it really is. It’s a word, after all, that

we bandy about constantly. How are you? Busy. Just SO

busy/crazy busy/totally manic. We moan consta ntly

about how busy we are, and yet busyness seems to be a

status symbol. Consider, for example, asking somebody

“I felt like I wasconstantly doing

bits of everything;I rarely felt likeI was achievinganything that

mattered”

P H O T O G R A P H : C O R B I S ,

A N D P R E V I O U S P A G E G E T T Y I M A G E S



D o s s i e r

D o s s i e r

how they are, and them answering: ‘Relaxed – not much

to do really. Just enjoying life and pottering around.’

Could it be that, at best, you might think they were jok-

ing, at worst, lazy or under-achieving? It’s almost as ifthere must be something wrong if you’re not busy.

But since when did being frazzled become aspirational,

like going glamping? And yet it’s something, evidently,

that seems to make us miserable! When researching

and writing the book, I enlisted the help of various

experts in topics ranging from mindfulness to time

management, and entrepreneur, author and MBE,

Sháá Wasmund was one such person I spoke to. She told

me about the ‘U’ rule of happiness.

‘Recent research* has found that most people’s life-

time happiness curve is U-shaped: High in our youth,

it starts to trail off by the time we

are 25 and doesn’t pick up again until

we retire,’ she says. ‘This suggest s

that, actually, we are much happier

when we’re less busy, not more.’

Yet, we continue to fill our lives,

our time, with stuff. Sociologists call

it the busyness epidemic and we

are all falling prey. In fact, as Tim

Kreider writes in The New York

Times, it’s almost like we’ve created

it ourselves. ‘Busyness serves as akind of existential reassurance.

Obviously your life cannot possibly

be trivial or meaningless if you are so busy,’ he says.

Kreider also makes the point that it’s not generally

those working three jobs on the minimum wage who

complain of busyness (those people, he says, are not

busy, they’re exhausted). It’s those whose busyness

is self-imposed, often through ambition for keeping

up with the Joneses…

I realised that before I could really learn how to use

focus to get me out of the busy trap, I needed to figure

out what, exactly, I was currently busy doing. What wasthe nature of my busyness? What was actually creating

it, I soon realised, was my disorganisation, lack of time

management and poor boundaries. Recently, for exam-

ple, I spent a day of my life travelling to the passport

office because I wasn’t organised enough to get the form

sent off in time. Doing unnecessary ‘favours’ for people,

posting birthday presents, and paying parking fines on

the phone, have, I admit, eaten away at my time to write

and do other important things. Could it be that I’ve let

this happen because the alternative – getting down to

work – is just that, hard work, and so I sometimes use

my ‘busyness’ as an excuse not to do it?

In his book Secrets of Productive People (Teach

Yourself, £9.99), Mark Forster explains that one ofthe most basic distinctions we need to make in our lives

if we want to be focused and productive rather than

constantly overwhelmed, is the difference between

‘action and activity’. ‘Real work is the work that pro-

gresses our goals, v isions, career,’ he explains. ‘Busy

work is what we do in order to avoid real work. Another

way of putting it is that real work is action, while busy-

work is merely activity.’ What brought it home to me

even more was this word of warning from sociologist

Ann Burnet t, who believes that by squandering our

time on inane busyness ‘we risk living in a state of

“forfeiture” – a lack of self-awareness

from being so distracted by the hectic

busyness in everyday life’. And as we

only get one life, it suddenly seemed

an enormous waste of time to spend

it filling in forms or taking trousers

back to the shop.

I had a feeling I was constantly

doing bits of everything; I rarely felt

I was achieving anything that mat-

tered. And this is what I discovered:

‘focus’ wasn’t what I had previouslythought. It wasn’t about concentra-

tion, or even getting more done. It

was about doing what matters to you – and that was

what was going to get me out of my busy trap.

DOING WHAT MATTERS

On visiting a pick-your-own farm, time management

expert and author of I Know How She Does It: How

Succ essful Women Make The Most of The ir Time

(Portfolio Penguin, £9.99) Laura Vanderkam was drawn

to a notice: ‘Remember the berry season is short. This

box holds approximately 10lbs level full.’ This struck heras a metaphor for life – as the basket only holds so much,

what will you choose to fill it with? What is important?

And, you may be asking yourself (I certainly was): how

do I find out? What we all seek is meaning; not more

stuff to do. When we have meaning in our lives, we are

really living, rather than just ticking off tasks. So how

do we find this elusive meaning and what is it?

Wasmund suggests asking yourself four main ques-

tions to work this answer out: what’s important to you?

(core values); what are you good at? (strengths), what

“As we onlyget one life, itsuddenly seemedan enormous

waste to spend itfilling in forms ortaking trousers

back to the shop”

>>>

>>>

* F R O M T

H E R O Y A L E C O N O M I C S O C I E T Y .

P H O T O G R A P H : C O R B I S





How to find your focus for a more meaningful life

1Who/what are the top 20 per

cent of people/things you want

to connect with/achieve/love doing?

Focus on these. The other 80 per cent

can fit around them.

2Now and then, write a ‘stop-

doing’ list – like a to-do list

but often much more effective, for

example: stop agreeing to have parcels

delivered when you know you’ll be out.

3Drop the ‘should’ monkey. When

you hear yourself saying, ‘I should

do this’, ask yourself whether you want

to/really have to.

4Give as much thought to how

you spend your down time as

you do to planning work time.Because

if you don’t, you end up surfing the

web or watching TV – low-grade,

low-value activities.

5Rather than wasting time and

energy trying to decide what to

do first, number your tasks, put the

numbers in a hat and do whatever

you pull out first.

6There are four quadrants to

prioritisation: urgent and

important, urgent but not important,

not urgent but important, not urgent

and not important. We can get rid

of the last one, but ‘urgent but not

important’ seems to dominate when

we really need to make more time for

‘not urgent but important’. These are

the things that never get a look-in,

but are actually things that make us

feel happier and fulfilled.

Consider these questions and tips to help you focus on what you really want

THE BIG GLASS JAR

One of my favourite discoveries

while writing Real Focus was Mark

Forster’s Big Glass Jar Theory:

l First, you picture a big glass

jar and fill it with sand.

lYou then try to add some big

stones, but find that you can’t,

because it’s filled with sand.

l Instead, add the stones first,before adding the sand.

l Now you’ll find that the sand fits

itself around the stones.

l You should take this same

approach to your tasks – you

should look to do the important,

big things first and you’ll find that

the other stuff will fit around.



D o s s i e r


excites and inspires you? (passions) and what do you

want? (vision). Nailing these, she says, is key to finding

out not only what we want to be doing with our lives, but

what we should be doing. (Hint: it was nothing on my

to-do list and I’d bet it’s nothing on yours either.)

So what did I discover? Spending quality time with

my son, family and friends was vital to me; as well as

my health (running and eating well) and having some

structure in my life (because without it, I derail easily).

I’m good at talking to people from all walks of life;

want to give back a bit more, be a better writer and the

best mother I can be. It sounds so obvious written

down, but it’s amazing how easily we can forget what

matters to us, and get caught up in the humdrum of life.

Once I’d recognised these things, it made it so much

easier to give precedence to them, meaning I felt more

fulfilled than frazzled. And I discovered that I hadmore time. When I wasn’t wasting it on bitty busyness,

I had more energy for the big stuff.

CHALLENGING THE BUSY MYTH

I was a devil for catastrophising my feelings of over-

whelm and busyness – ‘I have absolutely no time!’ or

‘I can’t cope!’, that kind of thing. Did this mean that

I achieved more? Nope. I just ramped up those stress

levels, resulting in less efficiency and doing less of

the things I wanted to do, not more. Sociologists call

this link between how we talk about something and

how we experience it ‘evidence-based bias’, and onething’s for sure, it’s totally unhelpful. ‘If we say all the

time “I’m so stressed out and have no time”, we find

evidence of that,’ explains Vanderkam. ‘But if we are

defined by what is good in our lives rather than what is

bad or stressful – this can be really helpful.’

It helps not to catastrophise, she adds. ‘It’s a legitimate

thought to say “I have some leisure time, but I’d like

to have more”. Whereas what we actually tend to say is

“I have absolutely no leisure time!”. We then get caught

up in a victim trap, because it’s easier to do nothing

than come at it from an “action” point of view. Doing

something about it takes energy and commitment.’

REFINING MY FOCUS

So what else did I learn about how to do what matters,

rather than continue on the hamster wheel of exist-

ence? What practical changes did I make? I learned that

focus and living a more ‘meaningful life’ is a lot about

having a glass-half-full and can-do attitude. Don’t wait

for special moments with your children, for example

– take them when they’re there. You don’t have to take

your child on a full day’s outing to feel like you’ve done

something special, it can be a five-minute conversation

before bed, or chatting while eating your tea together.

I think the main thing I took away though – as well asredefining what ‘busy’ really means – is that if we want

to live better, we need to devote time to thinking about

how we can do this: we need to focus on focusing! ‘One

of the main reasons people stay in their crazy, busy lives

is because they can’t seem to find the time to think

about how to change them. So we keep spinning faster

and faster, and assume change is impossible. I know I

did,’ says author of Overwhelmed (Bloomsbury, £8.99)

Brigid Schulte. I know I did, too.

See opposite page for more on Psychologies’ new book, ‘Real Focus’.

>>>

“What we all seek is meaning;

not more stuff to do. When we have meaning in our lives, we’re really living, ratherthan just ticking off tasks”

P H O T O G R A P H : G E T T Y I M A G E S




What do people with real focus have, that those of us who perpetually feel rushed

off our feet, and totally disorganised, don’t? Perhaps our latest book can help…

OUR SECOND BOOK LAUNCH

REAL FOCUS

1HOW ARE YOUDOING TODAY?

● Are you busy?

●Feel like you are constantly

working but not really achieving

anything at all?

●Distracted by interruptions?

● Always juggling multiple tasks

at once?

●Unable to keep track of

everything you have to do?

●Feeling like you are trying not

to fall off a speeding treadmill?

2WHAT DO PEOPLEWITH REAL FOCUS

DO THAT YOU DON’T?What habits do they have?● Real focus is simply ‘curating’

the best life for you: knowing what’s

important to you right now – doing

less, but doing more of the things

that really matter.

●Real focus is playing to your

strengths and doing what you love.

● Real focus is devoting time to

thinking about how to change things.● Real focus is not over-committing

yourself.

●Real focus is giving regular, focused

attention to the things that you want

to happen.

●Real focus is having time to work,

love and play.

3‘REAL FOCUS’,COMING SOON…

● Learn about yourself and the reasons

you are constantly busy, why you work

so hard but feel like you get little done,

and where you lack focus and the

impact this has on you.

● Master the difference between real

work and ‘busy work’ in order to free

up valuable time in your day.

● Discover the tools and techniques

to find balance, create boundaries and

learn how to prioritise and, crucially,

how to become more focused.

● With the help of the most renowned

and respected productivity expertsin the world, create the space and time

to identify what is really stealing your

time and attention, so that you can

devise a strategy to focus on what

actually matters to you.

● Real Focus, Psychologies’ second

book in the new series, is out on 13 May.

Y ou are probably reading

this article amid a pile

of life admin, if you’re

anything like us – supporting

a family member, cleaning thehouse, your daily jog, a project

for work, calling a friend, making

dinner… the list goes on. It feels

like we have never been so busy,

yet life just keeps getting busier.

And for us, that’s not a realistic,

or fulfilling way to live. That’s

why we’ve decided, as we do at

Psychologies, to walk the talk

and dedicate a whole book to

the subject in order to figure outexactly what we can do about the

‘busyness’ epidemic that is taking

over our lives. Could Real Focus

(Wiley, £9.99) help you?

READER

OFFER

REAL FOCUS, THE SECOND BOOK IN OUR INSPIRATIONAL NEW SERIES, IS ON SALE 13 MAY

“Create the spaceand time to identify

what is stealing

your time andattention, so that you can devise astrategy to focuson what actuallymatters to you”

* O F F E R

S U B J E C T T O A

V A I L A B I L I T Y

Buy one get onehalf price in WHSmith

Visit any WHSmith

airport, rail or hospital

store between 12 and 18 May

to buy your copy of Real Focus

and get one half price.*



D o s s i e r


1

VICTIM MENTALITY

We know that, sometimes, the

only thing for it is a good moan:

‘I’m so busy/my life is so stressful.’ But

such negative thinking only exacer-

bates feelings of being overwhelmed.

Perceiving our own lives as a threat

means our bodies release cortisol,

which puts us into unproductive ‘head-

less chicken’ mode. Even when things

go well, we fixate on how we now have

more to do, rather than on the fact that

things are going well. If you’re frazzled,

keep a log to see where time is goingand how you might carve out more –

because whatever life you choose, we

are all stressed some of the time. The

important thing is to notice the upsides

of your choices. Make a daily gratitude

list of three good things that happened

today. After a while, you will find you

start to look for them.

2

PERFECTIONISM

We like to have high stand-ards, but if you let ‘everything

needs to be perfect’ tendencies take

hold, they can rob you of your focus and

stop you doing what’s really important.

You start to procrastinate: ‘I can’t start

work until my desk is perfectly set up’,

or ‘I can’t play Lego with you because

I’m making you pesto from scratch.’ If

this sounds familiar, it could be that

your high standards are to blame for

feelings of being constantly busy. You

feel like you can’t keep up with the

demands of your life. But who is settingthese demands? You might feel you

have to live in a spotless house, for

example, but is someone else demand-

ing this from you – or is it just you?

3

TELLING YOURSELF

UNTRUTHS

It’s very easy when we are

stressed, hurt or overwhelmed to make

up stories in our heads. This is our way

of trying to make sense of things –literally giving problems a beginning,

middle and end. But these stories we

tell ourselves are often not true and can

even be damaging – especially to our

focus. When Laura Vanderkam wrote

I Know How She Does It (Portfolio

Penguin, £9.99), she interv iewed hun-

dreds of women and asked them to keep

a time log. She also heard the stories

they told themselves about their lives.

What she found wa s th at these of ten

weren’t true: ‘I met women who worked

full-time in demanding jobs and felt

permanently guilty about how much

time they spent seeing their kids,’ she

explains. ‘They’d say, “I never see my

kids”, but when they wrote their time

logs, they saw they spent 35 hours a

week w ith their kids. If you spent 3 5

hours in the office, you wouldn’t be say-

ing “I never see the office”.’ These sto-

ries we tell ourselves can damage our

self-esteem and set us back. Beware of

looking for evidence to support yourclaims. “I feel like I never see my kids’’

becomes hunting for evidence that your

children are suffering, for example.

Challenge the stories you tell yourself.’

4

TRYING TO DO

EVERYTHING

YOURSELF

‘Could you imagine Steve Jobs worry-

ing about parking or stationery? No. He

played to his strengths and let every-body else do the stuff they’re good at,’

comments Sháá Wasmund, speaker,

entrepreneur and author. It may be

tempting to thin k, ‘It’ll only get done

if I do it’, but this is another form of

overcommitting, not to mention bad

management. Know your strengths,

and devote your time to stuff only you

can do. If you spread yourself too thin,

you risk failing to do the one thing you

Q& A

FOCUS-ROBBERSOne of the symptoms of feeling overwhelmed is not being able to see the woodfor the trees. We need to recognise how and why we lose focus, then put in placestrategies to find it again. Here’s how to banish a few focus-robbers today

“You might feel

like you have to livein a spotless house,for example, butis someone elsedemanding this –or is it just you?”

TAKE ACTION




are employed to do. Do the things only

you are truly good at; leave the rest to

people who do those things better.

5 NOT TAKING

BREAKS

You have lots on and a dead-

line to meet, so you’re working flat out,right? Actually, there’s a g rowing body

of scientific evidence that says we’re

more productive after a break. When

we work the brain, it burns through

glucose and, if we don’t give it a chance

to recover, we get depleted fast. The

brain is like any other part of the body

– it becomes fatigued and needs a rest

before it can recover to run at optimum

levels. Try working in 90-minute pulses.

6

NOT SCHEDULING

THINGS THAT

NEED TO HAPPEN

We all do it: ‘Oh we must meet up for

lunch!’ Two years later, we still haven’t.

If you don’t make a firm commitment to

do something, chances are it won’t hap-

pen. And this doesn’t have to mean just work-r elated stuf f. Not sch edu li ng

things we want to do in our leisure time

ensures they don’t happen either. Then

we just fritter away time, doing lots of

energy-sapping activities, like brows-

ing the internet. If you keep making

promises to have lunch w ith someone

who mat ters to you and it never hap-

pens, call them today and don’t come off

the phone until you’ve scheduled it!

Worr ied you r fr iend s migh t th in k

you’re treating them like a business

client by ‘scheduling’ them in? Think

again. ‘Tell them, I’m not treating youas a business client,’ says Wasmund,

‘I’m treating you like you’re important.’

Call a friend you’ve been meaning to see

for ages today, and schedule a catch-up.

7 PEOPLE-PLEASING

Often, the reason we don’t

manage to spend time with

the people who really matter is because

we’re to o busy tr ying to please those

who don’t; going for coffee with some-

one because we ‘should’, promising to

help that person with their job search

when they ’re not giv ing any thing in

return. Wasmund suggests the 20/80

rule: decide who makes up the top 20

per cent of people who matter in your

life and schedule them in. This doesn’t

mean you should never see the other 80

per cent: just prioritise the 20 per cent

first. Dr Tamara Russell also suggests

dropping the ‘should’ monkey. ‘If youfind yourself saying “I really should

do this, or should see that person” –

take a rain check. Do you really have

to?’ Prioritise the people who matter;

learn to say no to those who don’t.

Adapted from ‘Real Focus’ (Wiley, £9.99)

ASK YOURSELFl Am I achieving the goals I set

for myself? If not, why not?

l Could I lower my standards

or expectations to be more

realistic?

l Of all the focus-robbers, how

many do I recognise as being

guilty of myself?

l Which two focus-robbers

could I choose to work on

improving in the coming week?



WHAT MATTERS

MOST TO YOU?Three women with busy lives share their stories of what they

choose to focus on and how they strike a balance

INTERVIEWS RIN HAMBURGH PHOTOGRAPHS LEONIE MORSE

D o s s i e r


“I realised it had been eight weeks since my boyfriend and I had spent a day together”IT WAS ALL WORK AND NO PLAY FOR EXHAUSTED ENTREPRENEUR LUCY ARNOLD

– BUT WHEN SHE DECIDED TO CHANGE CAREERS, HER FOCUS SHIFTED

BNVNM

For the last three years I’ve worked

ridiculous hours running my ownbusiness, a ‘paint your own pottery’

shop in Sheffield. I was on the go seven days

a week, not just when the shop was open but

before and after. There was always ordering

to do, emails, marketing, growing a social

media presence – some days I would stay up

till 3am sorting everything out.

The hardest thing about it was not being

able to see my loved ones as much as I wanted

to – like my grandparents, and my baby niece,

who I only managed to see twice in her first

year. My other half lives in London all week,

so the only chance we had to see each other

was on the weekend, but even then I’d usually

have to work. If we did manage to get time

together, I was too tired to enjoy it – by the

evening, I’d be asleep on the sofa.

At one point last year, I realised that it had

been eight weeks since we had spent a day

together. I hadn’t seen my friends in weeks

either, and I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it

any more. I decided to put the shop up for sale

and start fresh as a personal trainer where

I could pick my own hours, be more sociableand get to travel and spend quality time with

the people I love.

It’s been three weeks now since I finished

working in the shop and I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve eaten more of my nan’s chicken casserole

in the last three weeks than I have in the last

three years! I’ve spent whole mornings just

playing with my niece. Weekends with my

other half are now about lazy mornings

and long lunches. I feel stress-free and I’m

no longer exhausted.

I know that as I start my new business, I’m

going to have to manage my time better. There

will be no more weekend-working – weekends

are for my boyfriend, for seeing family and

having adventures. I have learned the value

of having a balanced life. In many people’s

eyes I was successful before, but now I want

to be successful in different ways that aren’t

measured by my business. Being an amazing

aunt, girlfriend, granddaughter and friend

are more important. H A I R & M A K E - U P : S A D A F A H M A D



D o s s i e r

68 P S Y C HO L O G IE S M A G A ZIN E M A Y 2 0 1 6

H A I R & M A K E - U P : H A Y L E Y M C G R E A L


“I’ve realised it’s not the end of the world if stuff doesn’t

get done. Now I make sure to spend time on myself”

BECKY HANCOX WAS JUGGLING HER CAREER AS A DRAMA TEACHER WITH BEING A BUSY

MOTHER OF TWO TEENAGERS. THEN A SERIOUS ILLNESS CHANGED HER OUTLOOK ON LIFE

Just before Christmas 2014, I found a lump on my

abdomen. I should really have gone to the doctor

straight away, but I have a busy job as a drama

teacher at a school an hour away from where I live, which

made getting to an appointment difficult. So I put it off,

and it wasn’t until February that I finally had it checked

out, by which time it had grown significantly.

It turned out I had ovarian cancer. The other

symptoms – things including bloating, needing to pee

more often, feeling very full very quickly – had all been

there, but I hadn’t recognised them. The cancer had

progressed to stage three and spread throughout my

abdomen. I ended up having major surgery and four

months of chemotherapy, which fortunately seems to

have been successful.

The diagnosis completely changed my outlook on life.

Before, I would stay at school until 5 or 6pm and not get

back home until 7pm. I was spending very little time

with my husband and my own children – I have a

15-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son. Now I leave

at 4:30pm at the latest, because I’ve realised it’s not the

end of the world if stuff doesn’t get done. I took time off

for surgery and chemo and the world kept on turning,

the students still did the things they were supposed to

do – and, actually, it wouldn’t have been my fault if

they hadn’t. In the future, I’m not going to spend hours

and hours after school doing extra bits and pieces; my

family are more important, and I’m more important.

Things have changed at home, too. In the past,

because I was working so late Monday to Friday, I felt

that I had to spend all day Saturday cleaning. When I

was going through chemo, I couldn’t do that – and again,

the world didn’t end if the house wasn’t as tidy as usual.

Now I make sure to spend time on myself. I’ve recently

taken up yoga, which gives me a real sense of wellbeing.

I’m determined to do it every day, even if it means I’m

going to be a few minutes late for something. I’m going

to spend that time on myself.



M y attitude towards being busy is

rooted in my childhood. If I ever sat

down to read my mother would say,

‘If you’re not doing anything…’ It was instilled in

me from an early age that sitting down was not

very productive. I started working in 1970 and,

except for maternity leave when I had my son,

I worked full time until I retired. There was all

the childcare, cooking, cleaning and housework

to do too, plus I did a couple of postgraduate

courses part-time alongside my work, and at

weekends I was putting in flying hours to get my

pilot’s licence. I always had an attitude of ‘you

have to get on with it’. That’s something else

that I learned from my parents. They always

worked hard, but I can’t remember them ever

mentioning being ‘stressed’. We just had good

organisational skills. These days it’s called time

management; it can be taught.

I cut down on work gradually as I was worriedI’d miss the routine. Now, all that busyness feels

like a lifetime ago. I sit in the conservatory in the

morning, having a cup of coffee, and it exhausts

me just to think about it! But I think if you’re the

kind of person who fills their time when working,

you’ll fill your retirement, too. In some ways,

I’m busier now than ever, but it’s a different

kind of busyness – it’s a ‘me time’ busyness. I’ve

learned to paint, travelled the world, I do Pilates,

go to the theatre, I’m a member of the National

Trust and the Victoria & Albert Museum in

London, and I’ve walked the Thames Path, the

Grand Union Canal and the Ridgeway. I try to

have what I call a ‘balanced retirement’ – I do

things by myself, with my friends, my husband

and our couple friends. By ticking those four

boxes each week, you’re physically and mentally

fulfilled. I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed my life.

The only thing I would change is I’d have tried

to take my mum’s advice not to worry so much.

She always used to say, ‘It will all work out for the

best’. And it certainly has.

“I’m busier now thanever, but it’s a different

kind of busyness”RECENTLY RETIRED TERESA

AYLOTT REFLECTS ON A BUSY LIFE




HAVE YOU BEEN

CAUGHT IN THE

BUSYNESS TRAP?

D o s s i e r

T E S T B Y S A L L Y B R O W N . F

R A N C E . P

H O T O G R A P H S : C O R B I S

1 A friend you haven’t seen for a

while asks how you are. You say:

A I feel frazzled and exhausted

B I’m busy, but managing

C I’ve got a lot going on, and it’s all good

2 You notice a free weekend on

the family calendar. You feel:

A Not surprised. You plan regular

free weekends to relax and just be

spontaneous

B Pleased, but slightly worried – there

must be something you’ve forgotten?

C Free weekends don’t really exist on

my calendar

3 How do you usually tackle

your to-do list?

A I do a few easy tasks before

tackling the tricky stuff

B I focus on the most importanttasks first

C I’m lucky if I tick off one task a day,

because other stuff always comes up

4 Which statement describes

your default mindset best?

A I’m so stressed out and have no time

B My life is full and I love it

C Life is hectic, but I can just about

manage to cope

5 How do you feel about

delegating your work and

responsibilities?

A It’s easier to do it myself – I don’t

have time to give others instructions

B I couldn’t manage everything I do

if I didn’t delegate

C I feel guilty, as everyone else seems

just as busy as me

6 How often do you get a chance

to think about the ‘bigger

picture’ of your life?

A About once a year, when I make my

New Year’s resolutions

B I can’t remember the last time

C I make time to think about big plans

and goals on a regular basis

7 You leave for a day out and

realise that you’ve left yourphone at home. How do you feel?

A Panic-stricken. I have to go back

to get it immediately

B Irritated at the inconvenience and

slightly distracted all day

C Fine – it’s not ideal but not the end

of the world either

8 A work colleague asks what

you did at the weekend. You:

A Tell them about a film, theatre or

live music event that you went to

B Really struggle to think of what you did

C Say you caught up on work and sleep

9 Which statement is closest to

your typical evening?

A Collapsing exhausted on the sofa,

then crawling into bedB I do some exercise, meet up with

friends or spend time on my hobbies

C Watching TV while trying to clear my

emails or catch up on unfinished work

10 You meet a friend who talks

at length about how hectic

her life is. You:

A Empathise – you’re just as busy

B Tell her you’re even busier

C Worry about her – it’s not a healthy

way to live, in your opinion

Are you manageably busy, working with focus on the things you need to do

and giving yourself time to decompress, or are you just about keeping your

head above water? Take our test to find out…

TEST

ADD UP YOUR SCORES, AND FIND

OUT WHERE YOU COME ON THE

‘BUSY VS PRODUCTIVE’ SCALE:

A

1

1 3 2 1 1 2 1 3 1 2

2 2 3 3 3 1 2 1 3 1

3 1 1 2 2 3 3 2 2 3

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

B

C >>>




D o s s i e r

IF YOU SCORED BETWEEN 10 AND 18

You’re drowningand need a lifelineYou may have once thrived on being busy, or

seen it as a badge of honour, but now you feel

like a hamster on a wheel. You’re drained andexhausted, but you’ve got so used to being busy

that you feel guilty for relaxing or having time

to yourself. You buzz through your days fuelled

by adrenaline, but now and then you crash, and

pick up a bug that floors you (annoyingly, it often

happens on holiday). You probably have a mental

list of things you’d love to do ‘when you have

time’. Rather than fantasising about a time in

the future when you do things that bring you joy,

how about introducing some into your life now?


You’re workinghard to stay afloat You’re busier than ever these days, however, you

are doing your best to hang on to your personal

time and social life. The problem is you can

sometimes find yourself sucked into taking on

jobs and responsibilities that you resent. You’re

“You valuespontaneity, andtry not to fill upevery weekend

with plans. Youonly wish thatmore peopleshared your

philosophy”

aware of when you feel frazzled and will then make

a conscious effort to take on less and put your

quality of life first. But ‘busyness’ can creep in

and, before you know it, you’re frantic again. Your

biggest frustration is that, despite being so busy,

at the end of each year, you never feel like your

life’s moved on. If you find it hard to say no,

practise finding a ‘soft no’ that suits you, suchas, ‘I really can’t say yes to that right now, but do

ask me again in the future.’


You’ve found your equilibriumYou’d rather work smarter than harder, and see

no merit in running around like a headless chicken.

You’re good at delegating and you tend to aim for‘good enough’ rather than perfect. You also value

spontaneity, and try not to fill up every weekend

with plans. You only wish that more people shared

your philosophy; this culture of ‘competitive

busyness’ means that it can be hard to stick to

your principles at times. Reading a chapter or

two of the Psychologies book Real Focus (Wiley,

£9.99), or coming back to browse this Dossier

when you’re wavering, will remind you that you

are on the right track.



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Every month for the next year, the 360me team (meet the experts on page 86) will be sharing

their baby-steps approach to leading a healthier, happier life – tried, tested, researched and

real-life-approved. It’s here for you – to enjoy, to inspire, to guide.

To help you join those dots within yourself, you can use our

wheel. All advice in the plan is divided between MIND, BODY,

SPIRIT and GUT. Focusing similar amounts of time on each

part will ensure that you’re looking after yourself in a holistic

way. MIND will centre on positive psychology; BODY is where

you’ll get tips on fitness, yoga, posture and skin health; SPIRIT

is about boosting our lives with play, fun, joy and optimism, and

GUT is where we’ll root all our nutritional advice – creating a

foundation of health that boosts both happiness (90 per cent

of our serotonin is made in the gut) and immunity (80 per

cent of our defence mechanisms are produced in the gut, too).

For extra motivation, why not SHARE the tips you’ve enjoyed

most? Fill your wheel, snap it, and upload using #360me. We

will be sharing our favourites every day via @psydirector.

The plan#360me

@psydirector @psychologiesmagazine lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk

SHARE YOUR #360ME JOURNEY

m

i n d

b o d y

g u t

s p i r i t

me

My odyenjoye…

My spir l e whe…

f hpierwhe trie…

My g himprove whe…




‘If you have a sedentary job, the easiest wayto counteract health risks is to stand upevery 20 minutes. Do it when on the phone,to open post, drink water, reorder yourdesk. A short break will help your body andimprove your wellbeing’ Suzanne Duckett, @ThisIsTheAntidote

Our suggestions for this month to help

you train your focus on the physical

body

LET’S DO THE TWIST

‘I love to do a yoga twist lying down before I go

to sleep – it seems to wring out any residual

tension from the day, and I just love the feel

of twists. It’s really simple – lie on your back

and draw both knees into your chest. Open

your arms to the side like wings and drop the

knees to one side. You can turn your head

away from your knees for a deeper stretch.’

Kat Farrants, founder, @MFML

Release tension for a good night’s sleep

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research from the University

of Massachusetts. And,

walking for just 30 minutes

is enough to make a

measurable difference.



Help! I’m the least flexible person in the world! Can I do yoga?

Try our Psychologies online course, designed by Movement for Modern Life

– How to use yoga to transform your life – at lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk

FITNESS MYTHS DEBUNKED‘Start with breathing deeply. When you breathe consciously and move – that’s

yoga! The best classes for beginners focus on getting the breath right (such as

Claire Beagley’s ‘Beginners 1: Move With Breath’ video at movementformodernlife.

com). Once you form the breath habit, the movement part is easy, trust me. Then,

I recommend starting with hatha yoga. Start with just 10 minutes a day and notice

the changes that you feel, and don’t do anything that feels wrong or painful.’

Kat Farrants, contributing editor, yoga

FITNESS EDITOR

‘For me, the real turning point

came when I stopped judging

my body by how it looked and

instead by how it performed.

Who cares if you have a smallbum if that then means your

glutes don’t fire and you’re

in constant lower back pain?

Or hurrah, you managed to

consume only 1,200 calories

today – but now you’ve got

no energy to take your kids

swimming! It’s easy to forget

the real reason we should

exercise. It’s to strengthen

the heart, allowing us to live

longer, healthier and with

more energy. It’s to maintain

core strength so that taking

your child out of their car

seat won’t cause you a slipped

disk. It’s for maintaining

lung capacity so that as we

age, and our lung function

naturally begins to decline,

we’re giving ourselves thebest chance of increasing our

lifespan. It’s time to make new

goals. Welcome to holistic

fitness, #360me style!” Follow me @PilatesPT

the plan

# 3 6 0 m e

J U N E 2 0 1 6 P SY CHO L O G IE S M A G A Z IN E 81

* T H E B R I T I S H C H I R O P R A C T I C A S S O C I A T I O N

. Y O G A P H O T O G R A P H : M O D E L W E A R S

‘ L I K E A Y O G I ’ T O P

, £ 6 9

, B Y C A T A L Y S T A C T I V E W E A R

. F O R S T O C K I S T S

, S E E P A G E 1 2 2

.




JUST BECAUSE… If you feel it, just go for it,suggests Eminé Ali Rushton

‘Allow your answer to at least one

question a day to be “just because”.

Whether that’s treating yourself to a

new journal, wandering out in the middle

of a working day to sit on a bench for five

minutes or dancing around the living

room to your favourite Disney song –

if you feel it, go with it. Just because!’

Olverum Bath Oil, £48(250ml/50 baths),

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‘Striking a powerful posture – feet grounded, arms raised, chest open– has been shown to change our brainchemistry, making us feel moreconfident. So, when confidence is flagging,stand tall to reboot’ Catherine Turner, yogi, @Catherineyogi

A deep soak in oil-laced water is

a proven spirit-lifter, but some oils

are definitely better than others.

Good-quality blends that includerose, jasmine, lavender or lemon

are a good place to start – we

love Aromatherapy Associates,

Neom, Lola’s Apothecary, and

new find, Olverum.

Lift your spirits with these great finds and useful insights

AIR FIXTry this quick tip from Eminé Ali Rushton

‘If I can’t get a chance to leave my desk,

I spray 1001 Remedies Purair Air Purifying

Spray, £24 – it reminds me to breathe, sit

up straight and shake off stress. Or try Mio

Liquid Yoga Stress-Free Space Spray, £19.50

– with cypress to calm and rebalance, and

lavandin to boost self-esteem and mentalstrength, it offers a window of calm, in situ.

Plus, it smells amazing!’

spirit

OIL WELL Lift your mood with a bath

15%is the increase in an individual’s likelihood

of feeling happy when having social contact

with someone else who is happy, a study

from Harvard Medical School and the

University of California has discovered. So,

it really does pay to pay it forward… see if

you can spread a little happiness today.Happiness Journal:

Inspiration, £21, Kikki K




Food for thought for June. Share how you get on using our #360me hashtag

‘Don’t let a moment of joy, peace or ease passby unnoticed, and don’t fritter it by fearingwhen it will pass – simply enjoy it. Developingthis ability to “savour” is one of the most potentways to build happiness and resilience in thelong term’ Suzy Reading, psychologist, @SuzyReading

UNTRAIN YOUR BRAIN

by Mike Weeks (Vermilion, £10.99)

Learn to transform the fears and

habits that are holding you back.

READER’S DIGEST

‘How To Eat is a book that’ll make it

hard to rush a meal ever again!’

says nutritionist Eve Kalinik.

STOP, BREATHE & THINK

Try this brilliant meditation app,

free from stopbreathethink.org

COLOUR ME HAPPY A little trick for living in the moment

‘Colour can help us live in the present

more. Make tomorrow a yellow day –

or whatever colour you like! Throughout

the day, notice everything you encounter

that’s that colour – the wrapping on your

food, flowers in a park, someone’s hat,

a poster. It’s amazing what you notice; it

can make routine journeys and activities

more fun, and brighten dark days too.’

Vanessa King, @actionforhappiness

360 LOVES

mind

the plan

# 3 6 0 m e

‘Meditation is tough to commit to when things are crazy. But I like the

practicality of Vedic Meditation – after three evenings on Skype, I had

an incredible new skill. I studied with Will Williams – his down-to-earth

approach suited me, and his courses are affordable and accessible.’willwilliamsmeditation.co.uk

MODERN MEDITATION Eminé Ali Rushton finds a way that suits her

F L O W E R P H O T O G R A P H : G Á B O R J U H Á S Z / U N S P L A S H .

M E D I T A T I O N P H O T O G R A P H : M O D E L W E A R S S O F T T E E

O M , £

7 5 ,

W E L L I C I O U S .

F O R S T O C K I S T S ,

S E E P A G E

1 2 2




THE ACID TEST Do this on an empty stomach,

first thing in the morning

‘Mix ¼ tsp of bicarbonate of soda (not

baking powder) in 250ml water. Drink it,

note the time, then measure how much

time passes before you burp. A burp within

two minutes indicates normal stomach

acid levels, excessive burping indicates

excess of acid and a burp between two

to five minutes indicates low levels.’

Akcelina Cvijetic, @akcelina_health

‘A squatting position best supports ournaturally tilted bowels. But that’s not feasible with today’s upright toilets. Help your bowel by buying a kid’s step and putup your feet every time you go to the loo’Eminé Ali Rushton, @psydirector

HYDROPOWER Make drinking more water a habit ‘One of the most common reasons for lack of

energy is not drinking enough water. Aim for

2 litres a day. Make it interesting by buying a

beautiful jug and add slices of lemon, mint or

cucumber. Keep it handy – you’ll soon find

yourself wanting to drink more.’ Eve Kalinik

gut gut Improve your gut health with these

easy-to-implement ideas

‘Use mealtimes as “pockets of

recovery” in the day. It’s easyto say you want to reduce

stress, but diffi cult to do.

Using mealtimes to give you

some time out will also help

to optimise digestion – aim

for at least 15-20 minutes

for each meal.’

Cooking for the Sensitive Gut byDr Joan Ransleyand Dr Nick Read(Pavilion Books, £16.99)

Complete enzymeswill aid food break-down; try SolgarDigestive Aid, £11.99,Holland & Barrett

Engraved knife and fork,£7.99 each, Zara Home

Calm upsettummies withPukka Organic AloeVera Juice, £11.95,Pukka Herbs

‘Boil half a dozen eggs on a Sunday so

you have them ready for the week. Eat

with wilted spinach and buckwheat

toast; smoked salmon on

sourdough; smashed withblack pepper and olive

oil… easy to transport

too, they’re nature’s

perfect packed and

portable lunch.’

BE A GOOD EGG Eve Kalinik can save you some time at breakfast

Eve Kalinik, @EveKalinik



J U N E 2 0 1 6 P S Y C HO L O G IE S M A G A ZIN E 85

l150g frozen mangol75g frozen pineapple

l75g fresh papaya

l200ml freshly

squeezed orange

juice (or shop bought)

l2 tbsp hemp seeds

l¼ tsp ground

turmeric

l1 tbsp lucuma

powder (optional)

TOPPING

lseeds of ½ passion fruit

l½ kiwi, sliced

l1 tbsp coconut flakes

l1 small slice papaya, cut

into chunks

l1 tsp bee pollen

l1 tbsp cashew nuts

l1 tsp goji berries

l1 small slice watermelon,

cut into chunks

METHOD

Put all the smoothie

ingredients into a

high-speed blender

or food processor and

whizz until smooth.

Pour the finished

mixture into two

bowls and arrange

the toppings on the

surface in stripes.

TROPICAL FRUIT SMOOTHIE BOWLFor mornings when you feel as if your immune system could do with extra help,

try this smoothie bowl, which is loaded with vitamin C and anti-inflammatories

the plan

# 3 6 0 m e

E G G S P H O T O G R A P H : C O R B I S . F

O R S T O C K I S T S , S E

E P A G E 1 2 2 .

R E C I P E F R O M S U P E R F O O D B

R E A K F A S T S ( D K , £

6 . 9

9 ) B Y K A T E

T U R N E R , P

H O T O G R A P H Y B Y W I L L H E A P , O

U T N O W




Meettheteam

We have assembled the world’s

leading experts in their fields

to share their advice with you

Eve Kalinik is one of the best-respected

nutritional therapists in the UK. A long-

standing contributor to Psychologies,her monthly column is one of our most

popular pages. With a knack for delivering

the bottom line on brilliant, natural, whole

foods, her focus is holistic and fad-free.

@EVEKALINIK

NUTRITION

POSITIVE

PSYCHOLOGY

All psychologists agree that

to be truly happy, life must

involve elements of play,

fun and joyful simplicity.

The pioneering Vanessa

King , a board member at

Action for Happiness, has

a Masters degree in Applied

Positive Psychology, and

studied under trailblazers in

the field, Martin Seligman

and Barbara Fredrickson.

Vanessa will be sharing herscience-backed, failsafe ways

to inject more optimism and

happiness into everyday life,

every month.

@ACTIONFOR

HAPPINESS

Dr Andrew Weil has been one

of the world’s foremost experts in

integrative health since the 1970s.

He is the founder and director of

the University of Arizona Center

for Integrative Medicine, and is

a clinical professor of medicine

and professor of public health.

A sought-after lecturer and

frequent TV guest, Dr Weil is also

founder and chairman of the Weil

Foundation, and the author of 14

books. He lives in Tucson, Arizona.

@DRWEIL

HEALTH

Kat Farrants has revolutionised

online fitness with her ever-

accessible and affordable yoga

company, Movement for Modern

Life. She has also created an online

course for Psychologies readers,

and excels in her ability to deliver

practical, targeted classes to every

woman and man, in the comfort

of their own homes.

@MFML

YOGA



J U N E 2 0 1 6 P S Y C HO L O G IE S M A G A ZIN E 87

the experts

# 3 6 0 m e

FITNESSFormer beauty & health director

of Easy Living and yoga teacher

Catherine Turner (left), and

Suzanne Duckett (above), former

health & beauty director ofGood

Housekeeping and founder of

forward-thinking holistic brand

The Antidote, join us as contributing

editors in wellness. Expect honesty,

kindness and practical wisdom that

will make every day a little better.

WELLNESS

@CATHERINEYOGI &@THISISTHEANTIDOTE@PILATESPT

Akcelina Cvijetic is known as

the Ultimate Wellbeing Specialist.

With knowledge of nutritional

therapy, neuro-linguistic

programming, thought field

therapy, clinical hypnotherapy

and life coaching, she is best-

placed to enhance our readers’

emotional, physical, mental and

spiritual wellbeing. She will share

her wisdom via effective and

easy-to-follow lifestyle advice.

SPIRIT

Known as The Pilates PT, Hollie

Grant is the woman behind the

strong, fit, healthy bodies of Ella

Woodward, Melissa Hemsley and

Kate Riley. The Model Method

uses reformer Pilates and HIIT

to get the body centred, balanced

and beautiful. She shares practical,

targeted programmes with our

readers, alongside exclusive

online Model Method videos.

@AKCELINA_HEALTH

LIVING WELLThe Art of Eating Well authors,Melissa and Jasmine Hemsley , are known for

their wholesome, balanced approach to good, life-enhancing food. They’re also

experts in green living, and choose only natural and organic products to fill their

fridges, bathroom cabinets, make-up bags and cleaning cupboards. They share

their best ethical living advice in a new, exclusive column for Psychologies.

@HEMSLEYHEMSLEY



#

3 6 0 m e

Nut milk

W hile navigating the transition to a healthier way

of eating and a greater awareness of where my

food comes from, an easy-to-make dairy-free

milk has been indispensable. With animal welfare in the dairy

industry and the chemicals, antibiotics and GM feed it relies

on – plus a lifetime porridge addiction – to consider, a rich

almond, coconut, hemp, cashew or oat milk has provided a

protein-rich alternative. As almond milk is now available in

most supermarkets, I’ve enjoyed nothing more than blendingup my own combos and throwing in new ingredients for a

creamy milk with added je ne sais quoi. Nut milk, v2.0.

I love cashews – they blend easily and do not need straining,

which saves effort and time. In my experience, on my own

nutritional path and guiding others on theirs, any healthy

recipe or alternative that takes too long compared to the

shop-bought option soon becomes redundant. So if you’re

looking for instant free-from milk that is as versatile as it

is easy, try cashew nuts – which are technically not nuts

but seeds. They have a lovely flavour with a subtle hint of

sweetness and smokiness, and go wonderfully with some

of my favourite Asian-inspired flavours. My favourite riff,

below, hints at the fragrant taste of India and its chai blends. Follow Xochi on Instagram @xochibalfour

The Naturalista, Xochi Balfour, shares her One

Good Thing for the month – a quick and simpleprocess to bolster health and nourish the spirit


●1 cup cashews, ideally soakedfor at least 4 hours to soften

●4 cups water●seeds from 6 cardamom pods●¼ tsp nutmeg, grated●1 tsp honey or a couple of

dates (optional)●a pinch of salt

Blend all the ingredients on a

high speed until smooth and

creamy. Store in the fridge for

up to three days and shake well

before use – separation is

normal. This will bring arefreshing boost to any rooibos,

smoothie or breakfast bowl.

Speedy – and with no straining – this is a great everyday milk

NUTMEG AND CARDAMOM CASHEW MILK Go organicAlways try to buy

organic cashews, as

some brands bleachtheirs as white as

possible. Avoid this

sort of chemicalprocessing as much

as you can.

one good thing

P H O T O G R A P H : X O C H I B A L F O U R



90 PS Y C HO LO G I ES M A G A ZI N E M A R C H 2 0 1 590 PS Y C HO LO G I ES M A G A ZI N E J U N E 2 0 1 6

In the first of their ethical living columns for Psychologies, whole foodies and wellness-guru sisters

Jasmine and Melissa Hemsley share their refreshingly honest and practical approach to good health

1 Forget next-day delivery ‘We speak to lots of people who don’t get health and

wellness. People think “healthy” is difficult, when in truth,if you spend just a few days eating right, you’ll actually

desire it. Ultimately, it is never as easy as being zapped

better, but as a society, we’ve come to expect quick fixes. It

won’t happen overnight, but we believe the pursuit of better

health should be practical, cheap and for life.’Jasmine

2 First food first‘A lot of people have quite a punishing mindset – you’ll

overeat or drink too much, then force yourself to go to the

gym to work off the calories. Or stress will be carried home

after work, you’ll comfort-eat, and go to bed too late, feeling

stressed. Then you’ll do it all again the next day. Food is the

entry point for a lot of people. You eat three times a day,plus snacks, so you have a choice each time. Start by asking,

“When is a particularly tricky time for me?” Do you not feel

like eating in the morning or is supper your downfall? Once

you work that out and start to eat better, and that part of your

life is more enjoyable, the next step towards health – sleep,

exercise or meditation – falls into place more easily.’Melissa

3 Kick-start the guts‘There’s lots of chat about which probiotics are really

good, but for us it’s easier to talk about building up your gut

The art ofliving well

P H O T O G R A P H S : N I C H O L A S H O P P E R



naturally. We make a probiotic BBQ ketchup and pink chilli

kraut, which is really easy and cheap – it’s just cabbage and

a bit of sea salt. We also find bone broth really soothing on

the gut – it offers huge nutritional benefits in the most easily

digestible formula possible.’Jasmine

4 Rise and scrape‘I would rather live without my toothbrush than

without my tongue scraper. My daily health is impacted so

much by something so quick and cheap. It’s a brilliant habit

to get into, removing build-up and bacteria, and you don’t

need to use any products.’Jasmine

5 Daily units‘We love turmeric in tea and smoothies, ginger and

lemon juice in water, and chaga tea. Everyone laughed

at us, then suddenly they had all ordered their boxes ofchaga tea. In our first book, one of the recipes people loved,

because it doesn’t involve any cooking, is our Pep-Up Tea

with ginger, turmeric, cayenne and lemon. It’s lovely hot or

cold and a great one to take into work in a flask.’Melissa

6 Meditation in action‘Meditating is a bit like sugar – when you’re on it, you

crave it. In the morning, I do it before anything else, or I’ll

make excuses. I get up, go to the loo, scrape my tongue and

drink a glass of warm filtered water. I like meditating in a

sofa or chair to support my back, with a blanket.’Jasmine

7

Sleep hygiene‘I turn the lights low and if I haven’t meditated yet, I do

that. I love a bedtime Yogi or camomile tea. If I’ve been on

the phone or cooking, a face and neck massage is great. I also

like to massage my fingers and light my Neom Tranquillity

candle, £45. Maybe some sesame oil with a few drops of

lavender oil to give my legs and feet a rub. I instantly relax. I

don’t always do all of this, but I always do some of it.’Melissa

8 Evening app

‘We’re really into the apps Twilight and f.lux, whereyou set your time zone on your gadgets and they mimic the

sunset. The big problem for city-dwellers is that we don’t get

enough daylight and then we get too much blue light (from

screens) during the night. Using an app like this is a really

easy reminder to yourself that it’s the evening, and time

to prepare for sleep.’ Jasmine

All recipes can be found in ‘Good + Simple’ (Ebury, £25), out now


Find recipes and foodie inspiration online at the

#360me channel at lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk

living wel

# 3 6 0 m e

What’sin the

flask?

BROCCOLI SOUPMakes about 4 litres,9 servings

l4 large onions, roughly

choppedl2 tbsp ghee or coconut oill4 heads of broccoli (about

350g each)l8 garlic cloves, roughly

choppedl 1 bunch of celery (about 6

sticks), roughly choppedl2 litres bone broth or waterlJuice of 1½ lemonslSea salt and black pepper

In a 4-litre saucepan, fry the

onions in ghee or coconut

oil over a medium heat for

8 mins until soft. Cut the

broccoli into florets and

roughly chop the stalks (after

removing the tough outer

layer). Add the garlic, celery

and broccoli stalks to the pan

and cook for 2 mins, then add

the broth or water, cover the

pan with a lid and bring to

a medium simmer. Add the

broccoli florets and a big

pinch of salt and pepper,

then allow to simmer until

the broccoli is just tender –about 5 mins. (The broccoli

must not be overcooked; test

it by piercing with a knife.)

Once the soup is ready, blend

using a hand-held stick

blender or whizz in batches in

a food processor – add a little

hot water if your soup is too

thick. Season to taste with

salt and pepper and add the

lemon juice. To serve, divide

between bowls, then swirl in

your choice of topping. For

topping recipes, go to the

Life Labs’ #360me channel

at lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk

‘We never travel without our

stainless steel vacuum flasks,

and as British broccoli is back in

season, we are really enjoying our

home-made Broccoli Soup



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of the sun’s rays with Ladival.*

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Supporting safer play in the sun

*Compared to UV-A/UV-B only sun creams

Ladival is available in a variety of SPF levels and formats for both adults and children

Ladival.co.uk




This month we

meet the girl

behind the glow,

who shares her

favourite holistic

products and

skin-food fixes

real beauty

# 3 6 0 m e

Madeleine Shaw

F eeling beautiful is more

important than looking

beautiful – this is our belief at Psychologies – natural radiance and vitality

must come from within. This is also

entirely in keeping with nutritionist and

blogger Madeleine Shaw’s inside-out

approach to beauty.

‘Aside from eating well, I also support

my skin from within with Neal’s Yard

Beauty Sleep Supplement, £26.50, and

Wild Nutrition Omega 3, £25,’ she says.

‘Pai Camellia & Rose Gentle Hydrating

Cleanser, £28, helps remove the daily city

grime as well as my make-up – it’s verygentle and comes with a muslin cloth to

give a little exfoliation. Origins GinZing

Energy Boosting Moisturiser, £24, is my

everyday cream. I love how creamy it is!

Packed with hydrating Panax ginseng and

coffee bean, it always perks me up. It’s also

oil-free so it doesn’t make my skin feel

greasy – the perfect morning moisturiser.

My home is full of candles – Neom

Sensuous scented candle in Ylang Ylang,Frankincense and Patchouli, £45, helps

me unwind and relax, and it makes the

place smell beautiful. Being in the kitchen

all day leaves my hands feeling dry, so

I rely on Yes to Coconut Protecting

Hand & Cuticle Cream, £8 – a gentle and

all-natural coconut-based hand cream –

after a long day’s work. My night-time beauty

routine wouldn’t be complete without the

100 per cent organic Trilogy Certified

Organic Rosehip Oil, £28.50 – it leaves

my skin cosseted and glowing. My go-toface mask is incredibly simple – I mix

two tablespoons of spirulina powder with

one tablespoon of (ideally raw and organic)

runny honey, then spread over clean skin.

After 10 minutes, I rinse thoroughly and

apply my skincare as usual.’

glowguides.co.uk @madeleine_shaw_

Soul

& skin food

FOLLOW US #360Me @psydirector @psychologiesmagazine lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk F O R S T O C K I S T S ,

S E E P A G E 1 2 2 .




W

hat is your background, and what

drew you to nutrition in the first place?

My upbringing inspired an early interest in

natural health and the human body, and I thought that I’d

move into medicine as an adult. However, my own experience

of endometriosis, along with the medical prognosis of poor

fertility and continued monthly discomfort, led me to explore

nutritional medicine. I changed this prognosis successfully

and this fuelled my passion to help others. Now, as a mother

of three young children, I am professionally and personally

interested in the seismic influence nutrition can have on

a child’s wellbeing, from pre-conception right through to

teenage years. Robust research is demonstrating that our

health pre-conceptually, as men and women, and prenatally

for women, forms the blueprint for the health experience

our babies have in later life.

Q What took you from practising nutritional

therapy to developing your own brand?

I’d been working as Head of Nutrition at a large supplement

company alongside my clinic work for seven years. Sadly,

I became increasingly disillusioned with the industry.

The market is dominated by products made from cheap

synthetic chemicals (even the more expensive brands

still use these lower grade materials) that the body doesn’t

naturally recognise. I felt so passionately about finding

another way that I spent three years researching a method

to produce nutrients in a food form the body can use; I

found it and created Wild Nutrition with my husband in

2013. I’m so encouraged to see there is a strong movement

towards this, and an increasing awareness of the profound

difference Food-Grown® nutrients can have on nourishing

health. I still run a clinic because, although formulating

products is an art that requires expertise, it’s also importantto look beyond research papers and have that first-hand

experience with real health issues – we don’t all fit the

‘norm’. This greatly influences my formulations.

Q What are you doing at the moment

that no one has done before?

In a health world dominated by synthetically derived

supplements, using our Food-Grown® material is sticking

our head above the parapet. I’ve also become acutely aware

of the lack of health support for the teenage years. The

Henrietta Norton

Q+A

In the first of this new series, we interview

leading wellness brand founders, who elucidate

on their big ideas, and the tricky business of

striking a healthy work/life balance. This

month, it’s Henrietta Norton of Wild Nutrition




latest national statistics show us this age

group is low in key nutrients for growth,including zinc and iron, yet they experience

greater physical development than any

other age group. The Teenage girls and boys

range, launched this spring, is the result

of our research.

Q As a working mother, do you have

any sacred work/life balance rules?

Each day is different – I might be in meetings in London, in

the offi ce in Lewes, East Sussex, or seeing clients in the clinic,

but I’m disciplined about not working before 8.30am or after

8pm. Running your own company is 24/7, but keeping myevenings and weekends sacred for our family life as much

as possible is paramount to the wellbeing of all the family.

Q In the spirit of honesty – what sacrifices have

you had to make to build a successful company?

It often looks much more glamorous and achievable than

the reality! There have been sacrifices, many of which I

didn’t think twice about as my belief in what we’re doing

is so strong, but there were also some that were tough.

I had to sacrifice time with my family to write my books,

and I went back to work quicker than I felt comfortable with

after my second child (I was very strict about not doing this

with my third as a result). I know I’ve made some sacrifices

to my health, in all guises, in the early days of getting Wild

Nutrition off the ground but I’ve learnt this lesson now;

that’s why the previous question has the answer it has!

Q Tell us your one golden rule for someone

founding their own wellbeing business.

Do all that you can to look after yourself amidst the chaos

that comes with building any business. It is easy to mistake

busyness with productivity (see Dossier, page 56) but often

they are mutually exclusive. Find the time to breathe deeplyand take a break – it really breeds greater productivity and

creativity. This, and surround yourself with people who are

talented and care as passionately about your business as

you do. Passion brings with it so much energy.

Q Is there anything you would go back

and do differently, if you could?

The above advice was learnt the hard way, so it would be

to breathe more, stay true to your intent and trust that

all happens in the order it is meant to.

Q Which of the Wild Nutrition

supplements do you usemost regularly yourself?

My supplement routine will ebb and

flow with the seasons, so during the

autumn and winter months I take

the Immune Support (I swear by it

for menstrual pains, too) and in the

summer months I take the Antioxidant

Boost to support my skin in the sun.

I also have a pot of Magnesium on my bedside table if I go

through a period of disrupted sleep, and all year round

I take the B Complex Plus and High Strength Omega 3.

For more information and to buy, go to wildnutrition.com

# 3 6 0 m e

well network

“I’m so encouragedto see there is astrong movementtowards Food-

Grown® nutrientsand an increasingawareness of the

profound differencethey can have onnourishing health”

5simplesoothers

When hoping

to strike abetter balance

between work

and home, it’s

the simple

pleasures that

really matter

My currentmind-soothingmusic is either a playlist from RodGilmour on Spotifyor the new album by Villagers.

Yogi Tea – currently the Women’sBalance is my favourite. I alwaysuse the earthenware mug my husband gave me from localLewes shop, Fisher Street Frames.

Another trustedmind-sootherfor me is myAromatherapyAssociatesRelax Candle, £38.

Any book by the guru Osho. I amcurrently readingLiving On Your OwnTerms(St Martin’sGriffi n, £10.99). It’sbeautifully inspiring.

P H O T G R A P H : C O R B I S .

F O R S T O C K I S T S ,

S E E P A G E 1 2 2




Each month, leading integrative health expert Dr Andrew Weil gives his definitive answer

ask the dr

# 3 6 0 m e

Y es you should, but it is not that simple. Good

nutrition is the most important tactic for

optimal health – the food is satisfying, meets

all nutritional needs, and helps protect against harmful

inflammation in the body. The modern world, however,

introduces significant obstacles to good nutrition, so much

so that even the most conscientious among us finds eating

healthfully at every meal diffi cult. The rationale for taking

supplements is that they serve as insurance againstnutritional gaps in the diet, and provide added defence

against increasingly toxic pressures from the environment.

Healthy diets limit or omit foods that promote

inflammation, including highly processed manufactured

foods made with wheat flour, sugar and salt (most packaged

snack foods, cereals, breads and crackers); fried and fast

food; products containing partially hydrogenated oils;

and polyunsaturated oils such as sunflower, saffl ower, soy

and corn oils. Healthy diet programmes emphasise eating

a wide variety of brightly coloured organic fruits and

vegetables, fatty cold-water fish for their anti-inflammatory

omega-3 fats, wholegrains and other slow-digestingcarbohydrates, extra virgin olive oil, plant-based protein,

nuts and seeds.

But today’s industrial agriculture and farming methods

often deplete soil and crops of important nutrients and

introduce toxic chemicals whose residues remain on our

food. Conventionally raised livestock, poultry and fish are

likewise raised under less than natural circumstances,

exposing those who consume them to small amounts of

antibiotics and a variety of hormonally active compounds.

Busy lifestyles make it diffi cult for people to shop for fresh

food and cook at home, so eating out has become the norm.

The stress experienced by so many in today’s fast-paced

world may also require higher levels of some protective

nutrients to sustain good health than healthy nutrition

alone can supply. Those who diet for weight loss consume

fewer calories but may also take in reduced amounts

of important macro- and micronutrients. Prescription

medications can deplete the body’s stores of some vitamins

and minerals or impair their absorption. Smoking andexcessive alcohol intake can also reduce important nutrient

levels. And as we age, digestion often becomes less effi cient.

For all these reasons, taking a good daily multivitamin and

mineral supplement seems a practical course of action.

Additional supplementation should be considered on an

individual basis with a nutritionist.

Be sure to use vitamin and supplement products that

have inherently low toxicity and start at low dosages, then

see how you feel after a few months. You might have to

experiment to see what product works best for you. What

works for one person may not work for another, and also

what works best may change over time. Vitamins andmineral supplements can cause nausea, heartburn and

other digestive disturbances, especially when taken on an

empty stomach. For best absorption and to reduce the risk

of stomach irritation, take your supplements with a meal

containing some healthy fat.

drweil.com @drweil

Should I takesupplements?

Q

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This month, Eve Kalinik explores the

easily digestible, naturally fermented

bread that has risen in our estimation

read

N

othing is quite as real as the taste

and smell of freshly baked bread.

And, despite bread getting some bad

press of late, it seems to be having a revival in

the form of its original ancestor, sourdough.

Before commercial yeasts, all breads were

leavened using naturally occurring yeasts so you

might say that all bread was sourdough. As the availability

of heavily manufactured products grew, bread has become

more manipulated and tasteless, and includes a huge list

of ingredients alien to this original recipe.

What is sourdough? As the name suggests, it does havea sour taste, from the airborne wild yeasts and lactobacilli

that occur when you make the sourdough ‘starter’ – a

mix of flour and water that you leave in a warm place to

ferment, which gives sourdough its distinctive flavour. It

can smell a bit ‘off’ but that’s just the bacteria and acids

doing their thing, and once you have your starter it’s just

a question of continuing to feed it over a few days until

it’s ready to use. There are many different recipes, but

most of them rely on this basic process.

It is this longer fermentation process that can make

sourdough more digestible for many people, as the lactic

and acetic acids work to predigest starches in the grains.

The same acids also help to neutralise phytates within the

grains that can affect absorption of the nutrients sourdough

has to offer, including iron, zinc, magnesium and folic acid.

And because prep time is longer, the gluten in the flour isalso broken down into amino acids, so it becomes easier

to digest and less likely to cause reactions. Even people

who react to most commercial factory breads don’t tend

to have the same issues when it comes to this simple loaf.

It will take longer to make, but this labour of love from

a nutrition, digestion and flavour perspective makes

sourdough a bolder, better, more beneficial bread. Serve

simply with some organic butter, poached eggs or crumbled

through a green salad. We may have shunned bread, but

sourdough is again taking the spotlight. About time, too!

evekalinik.com @evekalinik

buy

Sourdough bySarah Owens (Roost Books, £25)showcasing wholeand sprouted grainrecipes. A must-read!

learn

Check out classeswith queen of sourdoughVanessa Kimbell atsourdough.co.uk or Bakewith Maria (pictured) atbakewithmaria.com

Gail’s makes thebest sourdough loafin London – pick upsome bread, andtheir lovely book,while you’re at it.

Whysourdough?

# 3 6 0 m e

real nutrition

W O R D S : E V E K A L I N I K .

P H O T O G R A P H : S T O C K F O O D .

G A

I L ’ S A R T I S A N

B A K E R Y ,

B Y R O N L E V Y A N D G A I L M E J I A ( E B U R Y P R E S S

, £ 2 2 . 4

0 )




British wellnessweekendsIf long breaks aren’t feasible, don’t despair – youcan still plot some soul-soothing time out. Health

+ wellness director Eminé Ali Rushton rounds up

the best UK destinations that specialise in short

retreats – to help revive you in a long weekend

1 CHICEST STYLE AND

LIFE-AFFIRMING SUBSTANCE

The Well Connected in the Lake District

I’m dubious when I arrive at the Brimstone Hotel in the

Lake District for The Well Connected’s debut yoga retreat

– the last thing I want is to be force-fed jaunty activities and

cucumber salad. Luckily, my doubts are quickly quashed;

my huge mezzanine room’s log fire and pin-drop quiet start

to lure me in. I spend the afternoon lounging in my king-

sized double, but nobody minds. Unlike other retreats I’ve

been on, there isn’t an ounce of pressure to participate in

anything but relaxation, whether that means eating alone

in your room or hiking through all assigned downtime.

Throughout the three days, retreat founder NiciHewitson ensures the focus remains on abundance, healing

and enjoying the epic mountainous landscape. Though

there’s plenty of opportunity to make new friends, this

trip is ideal for tentative introverts like me who want the

security of a group that they are free to ignore. Hesitant

yogis and the less-fit are also well catered for: our

instructor, London-based yogi Charlie Morgan (charlie

morganyoga.com) loves teaching all levels and weaves the

perfect balance between challenge and release. Peppering

the class with quotes from leading thinkers, historical

well travelled

# 3 6 0 m e

6 of the best

>>>



“The real joy is what comes with thesetting – lungfuls of fresh air, rosycheeks, brighter eyes, great long sleepsas your well-used body recoups”

>>>


figures or spiritual teachers, from editor

and writer Ariana Huffington to Roman

Emperor Marcus Aurelius, Charlie’s creative

fusion of fun, sweat and stillness is both

inspiring and invigorating. To help facilitate our

feeling pampered, Nici has thought of every littledetail, from handwritten notes accompanying

night-time gifts, to a welcome pack with quality

bath salts and body spray. There’s a creative edge to the

optional activity choices, too – one night we’re involved

in a traditional Asian tea-making ceremony with London

Tea Club founder, Cecelia Lau (londonteaclub.com), who

takes us through the mindful practice of making and

sipping oolong tea. It’s a memorable and thought-provoking

experience, not to mention the best (and quietest) cup of tea

I’ve ever had. Rush less, ‘be’ more, comes the message. Yoga,

nature and green tea really are a magic formula.Lucy Fry

The Well Connected is holding retreats at Brimstone Hotel with yogainstructor Charlie Morgan throughout the year, starting at £690 fordouble occupancy (£1,175 for single occupancy), all food and unlimitedhealthy snacks included for three nights, thewellconnected.co.uk

2 HOLISTIC HEALING WITH

COMMUNAL SPIRIT

42 Acres, Somerset ‘A home for truth, growth and change from the inside out,’

is the strapline. Now, that’s appealing. Walking through

the door of 42 Acres, you always feel an unmistakeablesense of coming home. With nature and community at the

heart of its vision, the retreat centre perfectly embodies

the wildness of the Somerset woodland surrounding it

with a warmth and intimacy that allow its visitors to dive

into all modes of self-inquiry with comfort and care.

From the beautifully decorated bedrooms and group space

to the cosy crackling fireplaces, Moroccan tiled bathrooms

and intimate country kitchen, every corner has been

designed to nurture the spirit and soothe the senses.

Outside of group work, the burgeoning alternative

library provides hours of insight and inspiration, while

snug sofas and hidden nooks allow a sense of retreat withinthe communal spaces. Sheepskins, tapestries, linens and

rustic textures remind you of the wilderness beyond,

where winding forest paths and a secluded lake wait to be

explored. Founders Lara and Seth Tabatznik welcome a

wide range of therapists and groups to the space from all

over the world, spanning yoga, nutrition, sound healing

and more, and it is fast becoming a hub for some of the

UK’s most exciting holistic practitioners.Xochi BalfourPrices from around £355 for a weekend retreat in shared accommodation(Luxe Dorm), including food and programme, 42acres.com

3 OUTDOOR CHALLENGES

WITH INNER PEACE

Green Farm Fitness, Kent The Grade II-listed private farm – set in 12,500 acres of

wood- and farmland – is an idyllic location. But bluebells

and birdsong aren’t quite the expected recipe when you

sign up for a fitness weekend. Having sworn off bootcamps

ever since I was blacklisted for swearing at a very shouty

instructor, I’ve been keen to find a spot that ‘gets’ our need

for real R&R – meditation, yoga, nature walks – while also

understanding that our oft-sedentary bottoms might

benefit from a motivational confidence boost, too. GFF

– run by Kathryn Freeland, who also founded Absolute

Fitness – excels here. The two days (arrive Friday night for

dinner and orientation, leave 4pm on Sunday) are a perfect

balance of sweaty, uphill struggle (and subsequent blissful

adrenaline rush) and dreamy TLC (yoga, meditation, hot

tubs) – nourished with home-cooked healthy food.

There are early starts (7.30am for breakfast, which is a

bit of a wrench, given it’s a very rare weekend away without

kids), but the morning circuits in the lush forest wake meup in a way that feels revelatory – this is me, at 9am, using

my body to do stretchy, speedy, strong-ish things. The

real joy is what comes with the setting – lungfuls of fresh

air, rosy cheeks, brighter eyes, great long sleeps as your

well-used body recoups, and the freshly baked banana loaf

that greets you after a two-hour cross-country hike. In

places like this, you realise that life can be so simple – use

your brilliant body – push it, challenge yourself, then cosy

up with a pot of tea as you think back on what you’ve just

done (after you told yourself you couldn’t do it). I’ll be back.

Eminé Ali Rushton

All-inclusive, with home-cooked and locally sourced food; yoga, walks,hikes, group sessions; hot tub, sauna, bike rides. Single occupancy ofdouble room £495pp; double occupancy of twin or super-king room(ideal for friends or couples) £395pp, greenfarmfitness.co.uk

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: A vibrant plate at Grayshott;

al fresco dining at The Well Connected; Grayshott’s

renowned massage therapy; the idyllic Green Farm Fitness;

healing soup at Grayshott; The Arrigo Programme’s

country-cottage retreat; a rustic room at 42 Acres; the

gardens at Grayshott; Yoga Bunny at The Well Connected

well travelled

# 3 6 0 m e



“The programmes combine hand-picked therapists, home-cooked food,countryside walks and fireside chats”


4 HAND-HOLDING AND

PROFOUND RECUPERATION

The Arrigo Programme, Personal Retreat, Somerset

It’s all about ‘Woman’ here, but not in a hairy armpit way. Fiona

Arrigo is a true heart-healer and trained psychotherapist, whooffers essential advice and deep support on a life-changing

level akin to the Hoffman Process, but delivered one-to-one

and in a much softer style. Fiona is passionate about the need

to nurture and find stillness. Her programmes are wholesome,

grounding, clarifying, relaxing – combining hand-picked

therapists, home-cooked food, countryside walks and fireside

chats. You stay in a cute country cottage, but don’t let that

fool you that the work undertaken here isn’t in earnest.

Arrive when you like, stay as long as you can. The rest of the

world feels a world away. Slowly the layers start to fall off and

you feel yourself dropping. You are looked after superbly. An

‘angel’ housekeeper magically appears to light candles, mealsare delivered in a no-contact way. Perhaps some unravelling

acupuncture, transformational breathing or a profound body

massage – therapies are picked in tune with your mood and

needs, carefully calibrated from day to day with sensitivity. If

you’re seeking privacy, a return to self, and a renewed sense of

vibrancy, few boltholes compare or offer such palpable results.

Fiona can expertly and gently open up issues surrounding

addiction, depression, grief – you name it, she’ll walk it with

you. You can’t put a price on that kind of love. Daisy Finer

Two nights from £2,000, all inclusive, thearrigoprogramme.com

well travelled

# 3 6 0 m e

Other short butsalubrious breaks

5Grayshott Health

Spa in Surrey

is one of the original ‘health farms’ andremains a favourite, having won a clutch

of awards over its 50-year history. Set

in the Surrey countryside amid 47 acres

of grounds, Grayshott offers a health

programme including wellbeing days,

recuperation, digestive cleansing and spa

stays. They do what they do as they have

always done – unfussily and very well

– to help you de-stress, get fit or simply

get away from it all. From cosy, homely

rooms, to wholly delicious, clean food, it’s

an affordable haven, just an hour outside

of London. Where they excel, as you’d

hope, is with treatments that go deeper

– my last visit paired me with a therapist

who’d worked there for 25 years and her

intuition made for an unforgettable

series of massages. Eminé Ali Rushton

Short breaks from £495pp for two nightsall-inclusive, including three treatments;

grayshottspa.com

6 Longueville Manor

in Jerseyis the first property in the world to offer

the incredible Annee de Mamiel Rhythm

of Nature Holistic Facial, in its Cottage

Garden boutique spa. All therapists have

been personally trained by Annee (one

of the world’s best acupuncturists and

aromatherapists), and mix traditional

Chinese medical diagnostic methods

with acupressure, Qi massage and herbal

compresses. All of this makes for a

healing journey that is ideal when taken

as part of a long rejuvenating weekend.Longueville has glowing reviews on

TripAdvisor and a five-star AA rating,

making it the ideal place to indulge and

unwind. Before you sink too deeply into

an armchair, leave a little time to explore

the gorgeous surroundings, too.Ali Jones

Nightly rates start from £195 based on two sharingon a B&B basis, and the Annee de Mamiel Rhythmof Nature Holistic Facial costs £140 for the90-minute treatment, longuevillemanor.com



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http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/psychologies-uk-june-2016 106/132Alzheimer’s Society operates in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Registered charity no. 296645

BE PROUD

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Challenge yourself to trek 26 or 13miles throughWiltshire’shistoric countryside, taking in theworld-famous Stonehenge.Do something incredible, join us and help transform the livesof people affected bydementia.

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The Retreat p108 Feasting

the spice of life / p114 Books the magical unknown / p116 Living spirit of the sea


P O E T I C A D R I F T T E X T U R E W A L L P A P E R 1 1 0 5 7 4 , £

4 8 P E R R O L L ; C U S H I O N S I N A S E L E C T I O N

O F F A U V I S I M O C O L L E C T I O N F A B R I C S ; A L L H A R L E Q U I N . F

O R S T O C K I S T S , S

E E P A G E 1 2 2

How blessed are somepeople… to whom sleep

is a blessing thatcomes nightly, and brings nothing but

sweet dreams

“

BRAM STOKER,

DRACULA

“



Farro, capers,

herb-baked

tomatoes, roast

carrots and

parmesan



The spice of lifeColourful, flavourful and good for you, too – adding spices to your

cooking can liven up your dishes and awaken your taste buds

CHICKEN STEW WITH

SPINACH AND PRUNES

SERVES 4

lSunflower oil

l2 medium onions, finely chopped

l2 garlic cloves, crushed

l8 chicken thighs, on the

bone, skin off

l200ml good-quality chicken stockl1 tsp turmeric

l1/8 tsp ground cinnamon

l½ tsp saffron strands

l800g spinach, roughly chopped

lJuice of 1 lime and 1 orange

lPared zest of ½ orange, sliced

into thin strips

l150g prunes

l1½ tbsp flaked almonds,

to garnish

1Heat 3 tablespoons of oil in a large

casserole pot and fry the onions over

a low heat for 25 minutes, until they

are soft and beginning to caramelise.

Add the garlic and fry for another

2 minutes.

2 Turn up the heat and add the

chicken. Cook for a few minutes to

brown the chicken on all sides. Lower

the heat, then add the stock, turmeric,

cinnamon, a teaspoon of salt and ½

teaspoon of black pepper. Cover with

a lid and cook for 35 minutes.

3 Meanwhile, make a saffron liquid

by grinding the saffron strands with

a pinch of sugar using a pestle andmortar, then adding 2 tablespoons of

freshly boiled water. Leave to steep.

4 In a large pot or wok, cook the

spinach over a high heat until it has

wilted, then place in a colander to

drain. You’ll probably have to do this

in a few batches unless you have an

extremely large pot. Let the spinach

cool, then squeeze it dry with your

hands. Roughly chop and set aside.

5 Af ter the chicken has been cooking

for 35 minutes, add the chopped

spinach, lime and orange juice, the

orange zest and saffron liquid. Place

a lid on the pot and then leave to

simmer for 10 minutes.

6 Fry the prunes in 1 tablespoon of

oil until they start to plump up and

caramelise. Add them to the stew

and cook for 5 minutes. Taste, adjust

the seasoning, adding salt and black

pepper to your preference.

7 Toast some flaked almonds in a

small pan over a low heat for 1 minute

until they start to go a golden brown

colour. Sprinkle the toasted nuts ontothe stew just before serving.

Yasmin Khan says: ‘This “khoresht” (stew) involves poaching

chicken thigh pieces with some warming spices before cooking

them in the luscious green sauce’

the retreat

f e a s t i n g

C ooking with spices can

make your dishes come

alive – adding layers

of flavour and colour, invoking

alluring traditions from faraway

countries. But it doesn’t need to be

complicated; these three food writers

have made the exotic accessible with

their inspiring and easy makes and

bakes – spices are so versatile, they

will enhance your sweet creations as

well as your savoury. Yasmin Khan,Sabrina Ghayour and Chetna Makan

all share a recipe from their new

books, published this month. Read

on and be inspired to experiment…


P H O T O G R A P H : M A T T R U S S E L L

>

The Saffron Tales by Yasmin Khan (Bloomsbury, £26)has lots of lovelyphotographs andplenty of inspirationfor Middle Eastern-inspired savouryand sweet dishes.

EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD



SERVES 10

AS A SIDE DISH

l750g young spinach leaves

l300g walnut halves

l4 baby leeks, washed and

finely chopped

l2 fat garlic cloves, chopped

l2 tbsp dried fenugreek leaves

l1 tsp cayenne pepper

l1 onion, finely chopped

l50g flat-leaf parsley leaves,

finely chopped

l50g fresh coriander, finely chopped

l3 tbsp white wine vinegar

l100g pomegranate seeds

l500g thick Greek-style yogurt

(if making into a dip)

1 Bring a large pan of water to the boil

and blanch the spinach for 2 minutes,

ensuring the leaves retain their vibrant

green colour. Remove the spinach

from the hot water and plunge the

leaves into a bowl of ice-cold water.

Leave for a few minutes to allow the

spinach to cool down, then drain

the leaves, squeeze off any excess

moisture and finely chop. Set aside.

2 In a food processor, blitz the walnuts,leeks, garlic, fenugreek and cayenne

pepper until finely ground. Transfer

the mixture to a large mixing bowl.

Now blitz the onion until it's finely

chopped but not so much that the water

leaches out. Add the onion to the

mixing bowl along with the chopped

spinach, and mix well. Add in the

parsley and coriander before mixing

well. Season generously with salt and

>>>

Sabrina Ghayour says: ‘These ballscan be prepared in any size and are

great as part of a feast or finger

food, served with a thick yogurt.

The ball mixture also works well

mixed with yogurt as a dip.’

SPINACH AND

WALNUT BALLS

the retreat

f e a s t i n g


pepper to taste, and add the vinegar

and just enough olive oil to slacken

the mixture. Cover and refrigerate

for 30-60 minutes.

3 To make into balls, remove the

mixture from the refrigerator, drainoff any excess liquid and shape the

mixture into balls or into flattened

patty shapes, if you prefer. Garnish

generously with the pomegranate

seeds and serve.

4 To make the dip instead of the balls,

make the mixture as above, then after

chilling, remove the mixture from the

fridge and stir in the yogurt. Adjust

the seasoning, then serve.

Sirocco: Fabulous

Flavours From The

East by SabrinaGhayour (MitchellBeazley, £25) isthe follow-up to thepopularPersiana,full of accessiblerecipes with simpleingredients andbold flavours.

The Cardamom Trail by Chetna Makan (Mitchell Beazley,£20) teams Indianand Europeancuisine, introducingcolourful spices andaromatic herbs toWestern bakes, fordelicious sweet andsavoury results. P

H O T O G R A P H S : H A A R A L A H A M I L T O N ,

N A S S I M A R O T H

A C K E R



SERVES 8-10

FOR THE CAKE

l200g (7oz) unsalted butter, softened,

plus extra for greasing

l175g (6oz) golden caster sugar

l200g (7oz) self-raising flour

l1 tsp baking powder

l1 tsp ground cardamom

l4 large eggs

l40g (1½oz) dessicated coconut

l2 tbsp coconut cream

FOR THE FILLING AND DECORATION

l300g (10½oz) double cream

l200g (7oz) mascarpone cheese

l4 tbsp caster sugar

l2 mangoes, stoned and peeled

1Preheat the oven to 180°C (350°F),

gas mark 4. Grease 2 x 18cm (7in)

round cake tins and line with non-

stick baking paper. In a large bowl,

combine the butter, sugar, flour, baking

powder, ground cardamom

and eggs and mix with an

electric whisk for 2

minutes or until

light and

creamy.

2 Fold in the dessicated coconut and

coconut cream. Divide the batter

evenly between the prepared tins

and bake for 20-25 minutes or until

a skewer inserted into the centre of

the cakes comes out clean. Leave the

cakes to cool in the tins.

3 To make the filling, whisk the cream,

mascarpone and sugar in a bowl until

the mixture is thick. Chop the flesh

of 1 mango into small pieces and fold

it into the cream. Cut the flesh of the

other mango into thin strips or cubes,

as desired.

4To assemble, cut each cake

horizontally into 2 equal layers. Place

1 layer on a serving plate and spread

over it a quarter of the cream icing.

Align another cake layer on top and

repeat the layering process, ending

with a layer of cream icing on the top

of the cake. Decorate the top with the

fresh mango strips or cubes and serve.

This cake will keep, refrigerated, in

an airtight container for up to 4 days.

Leave to stand at room temperature

for 30 minutes before serving.

Chetna Makan says: ‘In this

recipe, I have brought together

three of my favourite ingredients

in a lovely celebration cake.The freshness of this flavour

combination is also perfect for

al fresco dining in summer.’

MANGO, CARDAMOM AND COCONUT CAKE



How focused are you?Chances are, your time often feels fragmented

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Stock up on these ingredients for meals with the ‘wow’ factor CUPBOARD ESSENTIALS

A space-saving spice rack, innovative meal

kits, punchy spice mixtures and quirky, vibrant cookware will keep everything you

need to hand to create adventurous meals.

Most supermarkets have a good selection of

spices, and if you’re near London, make sure

you visit café and shop Persepolis for a ‘taste

of Persia in Peckham’. Or browse online:

steenbergs.co.uk, healthysupplies.co.uk and

seasonedpioneers.com all have must-have

spices. And try spicekitchenuk.com for

award-winning, artisanal spice cooking kits.

P H O T O G R A P H S : I S T O C K ,

T A N Y A

T R A B O U L S I .

F O R

S T O C K I S T S ,

S E E P A G E 1 2 2

Add colour to your shelves.Spice

apothecary cabinet,£57.38, Shabbyflair

The spicekitchen

Texan-born former

Miss Lebanon (now

based in England)

Bethany Kehdy

established her blog

dirtykitchensecrets.

com in 2008 to

share recipes of her

Lebanese childhood,

and reinterpret

Middle Eastern food

to make it accessible

and fit into modern

living. Her book, ‘The

Jewelled Kitchen’

(Watkins, £20) is full

of ideas for cooking

Moroccan, Persian

and Lebanese dishes.

Remind yourself why you loveto cook. Ceramic dish, £24,

Rockett St George

Crush fresh,fragrant spices.Marble andcopper pestle

and mortar,

£40, OliverBonas

Make delicious and authentic Moroccan-

inspired meals. Le Creuset cast-iron

tagine, £175,

John Lewis

Belazu RoseHarissa paste,£3.99, Ocado

Organic ghee,£8.95, Pukka

Herbs

Chai LatteSpiced Chai,£2.50,

Drink Me Chai

The Spice TailorKeralan Coconut

Curry Kit,£2.89, Waitrose

Fiery SeaPepper,£2.95,

Cornish Sea Salt

Perfect for preparingdishes meant for sharing.Lola pottery baking dish,£54.95, BoutiqueProvençale

the retreat

f e a s t i n g

Bloggerspotlight



The magicalunknown

Whether real or otherworldly, eachpage takes you further into the

unknown this month, from magicand hormones to heartbreak

and death. Lose yourself…



FIRST LINES It was late in the spring when I noticed that a girl was following me,nearly the end of May, a month that means ‘perhaps’ or ‘might be’.From Dietland by Sarai Walker (Atlantic Books, £8.99)

the retreat

b o o k s

J U N E 2 0 1 6 PS YC H OLOGI ES MA GA Z I NE 115

The book that made meLionel Shriver on Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence

The Age of

Innocence,

Wordsworth,£1.99

What is Not Yours,is Not Yoursby Helen Oyeyemi (Picador, £14.99)

The author pitches you head first into a

surreal world where the ordinary and the

extraordinary jostle together delightfully.There are nine entwined stories, linked

by locks and keys that open the way to a

wonderfully disorientating maze of tales

within tales. There are secrets stored up

in lonesome hearts, puppets who can

speak their mind and ghosts who want to

extact revenge. Unbelievably gorgeous.

This Too Shall Passby Milena Busquets (Harvill Secker, £9.99)

Blanca is in the grip of grief; the wistful,passionate 40-year-old doesn’t know

where to turn after the death of her mother,

and so spins in all directions, dizzily trying

on sex, drinks and silk dresses to assuage

her pain. Accompanied by best friends,

ex-husbands, and her children, she heads

from her Barcelona home to the coast to

take stock of her life and try to rediscover

happiness on her own terms. It’s a tricky ask

as this raw, funny, honest book confirms.

Animal: The Autobiographyof a Female Bodyby Sara Pascoe (Faber & Faber, £12.99)

There’s a lot going on under our skin that

we don’t have a good grasp of – from

hormones that up-end our moods toevolutionary imperatives that promote

lust over common sense. Comedian

Sara Pascoe shares the latest scientific

thinking on love, sex and ‘clever old fat’,

as well as her own life experiences, in

a book that is saliently smart, thought-

provoking and brilliantly silly.

The Violet Hourby Katie Roiphe (Virago, £16.99)

It’s a subject we often shy away from,but Katie Roiphe stares death in the face

to see what she can see. She’s looked at

the last days of Sigmund Freud, Susan

Sontag, Dylan Thomas, John Updike,

James Salter and Maurice Sendak to

look at how they confronted mortality.

Their responses were wildly different,

ranging from rationality to self-delusion

to mad excess – but all are fascinating,

as these insightful elegies reveal.

M A I N R E V I E W S : E I T H N E F A R R Y . P

H O T O G R A P H S :

J U S T I N P U M F R E Y / G A L L E R Y S T O C K , S

A R A H L E E

‘This made a big impact on me, not only because it’s a wonderful book

– one written in a distinctly classical tradition, while also feelingaccessibly modern. The prose isn’t fancy, but beautiful; clear, vivid,

involving. Yet what really hit me over the head was that this was a work

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that fabled “literary canon”, as books by Henry James, Thomas Hardy

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Wharton, I probably suffered from a slight prejudice against books

by my own sex. The revelation that a female writer could compete

with the best authors of all time has inspired me ever since to try

to give the boys a run for their money in print.’

‘The Mandibles: A Family, 2029-2047’ by Lionel Shriver (Borough Press, £16.99) is out now



The owners of this

idyllic seaside house

use it as a summer

escape from city life.The soft periwinkle

blue on the walls

mimics the sea andsky, changing to a

warm pebble grey as

the light fades

the retreat

l i v i n g



EDITED BY EMMA CLAYTON

PHOTOGRAPHS RACHEL WHITING, EARL

CARTER, POLLY WREFORD, PAUL MASSEY

SPIRIT OF

THE SEA Find some peace with coastal

hues and seaside style

This Nantucket

property has

been furnished

with locally

sourced piecesthat reflect

the maritime

history of the

area, alongside

decorative shells,

pebbles and rope

sculptures



‘If you live by the

ocean, there is no

better way to bring

the outside in thanthrough the marriage

of blue and white,’

explains Heald. ‘The

bluer the sky, the

more cheerful we feel’

M any of us find ourselves

drawn to the sea, as its

captivating nature holds

the power to lift the spirits and soothe thesoul. In her new book, Coastal Living

(Ryland Peters & Small, £25), Henrietta

Heald celebrates life by the ocean,

discovering what makes it so appealing

and taking us on a tour of inspiring seaside

homes around the world.

‘These shoreside dwellings boast a

rich variety of different architecture and

interior styles, but they all share a similar

spirit,’ she says. ‘They speak of a relaxed,

carefree lifestyle where the boundaries

between inside and out are blurred.’

the retreat

l i v i n g



>>>

This quirky seaside

home was made from

old railway carriages.

The breezy bedroombeautifully reflects

its coastal location,

with a blue tonal

colour scheme,

enhanced by simple

striped fabrics and

soft muslin curtains



the retreat

l i v i n g

* O F F E R

S U B J E C T T O A

V A I L A B I L I T Y .

F O R

S T O C K I S T S ,

S E E P A G E 1 2 2

Nautical glassbottles, £30

for two, TheContemporary

Home

Decorative coralornament, £105,

Sweetpea & Willow

White dipped

belly basket, £35, Olli Ella

Turquoisecabinet,

£895,

Orchid

Furniture

Whether you’re a city-dweller,

suburbanite or your home is

surrounded by woodland, it’s easy

to fill your rooms with the freedom

and calmness of the ocean, blurring

the boundaries between indoors

and out. Decorate with nautical-

themed accessories and draw

inspiration from beachcombing,

displaying shells and driftwood tofeel close to nature and the soothing

sound of the waves.

Choose uplifting blue shades

balanced with furniture in pale hues

that keep the look light and fresh;

for pattern, try simple stripes, while

tactile linens will add a cosy,

flowing element. Sit back and

relax and let the calmness

wash over you…

Bamboo ladder,£43.50, Andrassy

Living

Bleaker chair,£225, Loaf

By the sea

Liffey bath with painted exterior,from £3,570, Drummonds

Porthole mirror,£72.95, Coastal

Home

Seahorsewall art,£23, TheNauticalCompany

Light blue fauxlinen cushion,

£4, Primark

Porthmeor Breaker limited editionprint, from £110, James Bartholomew

Sailing boatornament,

£15, George at Asda


READER OFFER

Psychologies readers

can buy Coastal Living

for the special price

of £18* (RRP £25)

including p&p by

calling Macmillan

Direct on 01256

302699 and quoting

the reference GI6.



H e r m h ar b o ur

If you think that Island Hopping is the preserve of Greeceor the Caribbean, think again! Guernsey is the perfecthub from which to visit our sister Islands of Herm, Sark, Alderney and Lihou – all within easy reach, all withtheir own individual character.

Make great things happen today, search:‘Island hopping Guernsey’

@VISITGUERNSEY FACEBOOK.COM/VISITGUERNSEY

Plan your break at visitguernsey.com*T&C’s may apply. Please refer to the supplier directly for details on promotions.

Stay at our Award Winning Hotel with Breakfast and

Hire car (excluding: insurance and fuel). Set within5 acres of landscaped gardens, the hotel is located ona tranquil grassy peninsula, leading to a sandy bay inthe peaceful parish of the Vale, Guernsey. Experiencespectacular views over Grand Havre Bay and enjoy its delightful beach-front location. Book today!

1stJuly - 31st August:£59.00PP / PNIncluding Breakfast & Hire car

Book now: 01481 [email protected]



StockistsFind out where to buy the products

featured in this month’s issue


A Adidas adidas.co.uk

Aesop aesop.com

Andrassy Living

andrassyliving.co.uk

Aromatherapy

Associates

aromatherapy

associates.com

BBelazu ocado.com

Boutique Provençale

boutiqueprovencale.co.uk

CCatalyst Activewear

catalyst-activewear.comClaire’s Accessories

claires.co.uk

Coastal Home

coastalhome.co.uk

The Contemporary

Home tch.net

Cornish Sea Salt

cornishseasalt.co.uk

Cuckooland

cuckooland.com

DDaWanda

dawanda.com

Drink Me Chai

drinkmechai.co.uk

Drummonds

drummonds-uk.com

Dune dunelondon.com

FFestive Glories

festiveglories.com

Fisher Street Frames

fisherframes.com

Frédéric Malle+44 (0) 207 409 2364

GGail’s Artisan

Bakery

gailsbread.co.uk

George

direct.asda.com

HH&M hm.com/en

Habitat habitat.co.uk

Harlequin harlequin.

uk.com

Holland & Barrett

hollandandbarrett.com

Houseology

houseology.com

JJames Bartholomew

jamesbartholomew.co.uk

John Lewis johnlewis.com

KKikki-K kikki-k.com

LLoaf loaf.com

MMauli Rituals

maulirituals.com

Mio mioskincare.com

NNailberry

nailberry.co.uk

Neal’s Yard Remedies

nealsyardremedies.com

Neom neomorganics.com

The Nautical Company

thenauticalcompany.com

OL’Occitane

uk.loccitane.com

Oliver Bonas

oliverbonas.com

Olli Ella olliella.com

Olverum

houseoffraser.co.uk

Orchid Furniture

orchidfurniture.co.ukOrigins

origins.co.uk

PPai Skincare

paiskincare.com

Pukka Herbs

pukkaherbs.com

Primark primark.com

R 1001 Remedies

cultbeauty.co.uk

Rockett St George

rockettstgeorge.co.uk

SShabbyflair

shabbyflair.de

The Spice Tailor

waitrose.com

StylePB

stylepb.com

Sweetpea & Willow

sweetpeaandwillow.com

TTrilogy

trilogyproducts.com

W Wellicious wellicious.com

Wild Nutrition

wildnutrition.com

Will Williams Meditation

willwilliamsmeditation.

co.uk

Y Yes to Coconut

asos.com

Yogi Tea

yogiproducts.com

Yumi yumi.co.uk

ZZara Home

zarahome.com



lEmotionallabour

Who cares themost in your

home?

lFast therapy

See if you cansort out your

head in a week

lCareercrossroads

Where next?

lInterviewSusan Cainon the realsuperpowersof introverts

Get comfortable in your own skin

Happy, healthy body

Next month in

Don’t miss the JULY issue – on sale 27 May

P H O T O G R A P H : J O H A N N E S C A S P E R S E N / P

L A I N P

I C T U R E

Plus…



If you have read and enjoyed our Dossier on focus (pages 56-72) this month,

and you are now inspired to check where your time goes and how you can

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PETER KLEIN,COGNITIVEBEHAVIOURALPSYCHOTHERAPIST

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P H O T O G R A P H : J E N N Y L E W I S

Sally Brampton is a journalist, agony aunt,and author of ‘ShootThe Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression’(Bloomsbury, £7.99)

Women of

substance

I HAVE DISCOVERED a new pleasure; being read

to. Or perhaps that should be rediscovered, as it takes

me back to childhood, my dad and bedtime stories.

That comforting memory is not lost, I find it just

as pleasing now I am an adult. It is a quiet joy,

just a book, a voice and my head on a pillow.

My dad no longer being around, I listen to

audiobooks by writers I love, but whose books

I haven’t picked up in years. They are written by

redoubtable women: Muriel Spark, Jane Gardam,

Monica Dickens, and are also about redoubtable

women, the sort who, should a sabre tooth tigerappear by their side, would tap him sharply on the

nose, tell him not to be such a bother and run along

like a good boy. I love that kind of woman, they make

the world feel like a safer place.

I once lived in a flat below the much-lauded

headmistress of an eminent girls’ school. You could

see, simply by the imperious lift of an eyebrow, how

she might silence a room of shrieking teenagers.

When she retired, she abandoned a lifetime of

timetables. She slept when she was tired, ate when

she was hungry and did what she pleased when it

pleased her. She was charmingly polite as she sat

on her front step at 8am, elegantly dressed and

sipping a glass of sherry, or was to be found weeding

her garden in the late afternoon wearing a bedtime

attire of plaid dressing gown and slippers.

The Chelsea neighbours, competing with each

other over the latest Farrow & Ball paints

and who had the best Aga, thought she

was bonkers. Even though I was only 20,

I thought she was, in every way, splendid

and the sanest person I have ever met.

Like those other redoubtable women, there was

no mention of age, weight or face; not out of some coy

vanity, but because it simply never occurred to them.

They were too busy being themselves to worry about

being somebody else. Had you said to them, ‘60 is the

new 40’, they would have pointed out, with acerbic

clarity, that you needed to do your maths homework

or swat up on your biology.

It’s not, even, that age has anything to do with

it really, but these days, everybody seems to want

to be somebody else. We are none of us, in some

peculiar way, good enough, which, as thatheadmistress, Miss Williams, would have said,

is pure tosh, not to mention false logic. You’re not

Einstein and you’re never going to be Einstein (or

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini or Kim Kardashian or

fill-in-the-blank; all of whom make me faint with

boredom), so don’t waste time striving for the

unattainable. False ideals are the enemy of promise.

This is where listening to books is an excellent

idea, drowning out the motorway hum of the media,

which contrives to make us feel we are somehow

lacking. Going to sleep absorbed in another world

distracts you from being anxious and fretful about

your own. As a lifelong sufferer of insomnia, it is also,

I have discovered, infinitely more effective than

lavender essence and herbal remedies. By some

perverse trick of the mind, the more I try to listen

to a story to find out what happens next, the faster

I go to sleep. And the more I dream about

the days when I can sip sherry in the

morning or garden in my dressing gown,

remembering that the imperious lift of

an eyebrow must be mastered first.

Sally Brampton



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psychologies uk - june 2016

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