Pride, Vanity and Denial in Parenting(85 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

This lesson is an invitation to have our hearts softened towards our self so that our children

can enjoy the spiritual fruits of love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness from our

lives instead of religious judgment, competition, comparison, rejection, vanity and pride.

If our hearts remain hard towards our self- they will remain hard towards our children.

I believe our preoccupation with perfection and not making any mistakes is antithetical to the

spiritual life!It is born of selfishness and a refusal to live life

authentically. Christ invited us to come unto him and be made

whole, complete and mature. For it is only through Christ ‘that journey’ can be taken. And what it will demand of us is more than most of

us can give:a complete surrendering.

"Our understanding of the Atonement is hardly a shield against sorrow; rather, it is a rich source

of strength to deal productively with the disappointments and heartbreaks that form the deliberate fabric of mortal life. The gospel was given to us to heal our pain, not to prevent it.

~ Elder Bruce C. Hafen

This lesson will be divided into 5 sections:1. The Introduction

2. The parable3. Which code do I live by?

4. The will of God in our lives5. The Great Plans

1. The Introduction

“Think about how we generally have treated information in the past. We’ve known it was important, but we’ve handled it in ways that have destroyed many of its life

giving properties…We’ve taken conflicting information, rich with the

possibility of moving us to new levels of understanding and instead, felt the need to play Solomon, to decide

which piece of information or which position was correct. Let’s get to the bottom of this,” we say, pointing our

efforts dead into the ground- away from the conflicts that can move us toward the light, toward new, more complex

understanding.”Margaret Wheatley, Leadership and the New Science, p. 100

“And if any man think that he knoweth anything, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.”

I Corinthians 8:2

I am going to try and make a case for the implication that sometimes our pride and vanity

manifest themselves in various and peculiar ways.

What we may think as righteous- may rather be a manifestation of grandiosity born out of

woundedness…But since it is not inappropriate to judge

another’s spiritual experiences-- we are left to wonder if any of this stuff really applies to

ourselves.

Please Read:

‘Guilt for Innocence’by Stephen Robinson

I find it amazing that many of us struggle to comprehend what it is that is ‘beyond us’ and bring it under ‘control’ by creating intellectual

paradigms that bring into bondage- that which is eternal and infinite.

Instead of feeding into our own grandiosity by thinking that we can understand this stuff intellectually- why don’t we just stand in

‘mystical awe’? Why? Because we have a vain need to understand or at least, we think we do.

Some common grandiose belief threads of the proud and vain…

• A belief that Satan is ‘personally’ attacking them and has a ‘special’ interest in their personal failure.

• A belief that the Savior really doesn’t know or understand their own ‘particular’ history, hell and suffering.

• A belief that they are an ‘exception’ to the love and redemption of Christ’s atonement and are beyond it in some unexplainable way.

• A cognitive belief that they understand the atonement and the suffering that Christ experienced for their own sins.

• An cognitive belief that they can access the atonement of Christ via their intellect- that this is the ‘channel’ of understanding.

• A belief that ‘agreeing’ with the teachings and scriptures about the atonement is the same thing as ‘understanding’ them.

Some common grandiose belief threads of the proud and vain…

“Woe to the man so possessed that he thinks he possess God.”

Martin Buber

“The problem of evil has baffled mankind since Eden: perhaps because it can only be

approached through facing the mystery of good, and we do not like to acknowledge that good is

a mystery.”D. M. Dooling

Many well meaning students who think they understand the atonement will not even

confront the pain, evil and shadow of their own life and experience. How can they even begin to

comprehend the darkness and majesty of that great gift…?

“The disciple, the would-be initiate, approaches the master and says: Teach me.

And the teacher says: Come follow me.To which the new disciple relies:

No, I mean just tell me.(taken from the book: The Spirituality of Imperfection p. 90)

How many of us do not want to follow the Savior by going into our own Garden of Gethsemane-

to there confront our own wounded, hurtful and sinful dark natures.

We refuse to suffer the realities of our own lives and in the refusal is found our false, self-

righteous and dishonest selves.

2. The Parable

Please read Luke 18:9-14

(see if you can recognize how we may deaden ourselves to the implications)

“And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous and despised others:

Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus

with himself, God I thank thee that I am not as others are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I

fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. The Publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his

eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his

house justified rather than the other; for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth

himself shall be exalted.”

Now what are some interesting implications we could extrapolate from this

parable?

In Jesus' time, the Pharisees were the upright and respected religious leaders of his time…

who might fit into that category today?

In Jesus’ time the Publicans were the tax collectors-- the excommunicated, hated and

loathed ‘low lifes’ of the Jewish culture… who might fit into that category today?

Would we want to classify our selves with the Self-Righteous Pharisee described as…

• Exclusive• Pretentious• Prideful• Vain• Us versus them mentality• Righteous • Self-congratulatory• Demeaning of sinners

Some possible applications… see if any come close to your past thoughts.

• I thank Thee that ‘I’ am not as others…• I thank Thee that my ‘family’ is not like other families…• I thank Thee that my ‘church’ is not like other churches…• I thank Thee that my ‘country’ is not like other countries…

Or how about this one?

I thank Thee that I am not like the ‘self-righteous Pharisees’ of the New Testament parables…

Most of us have a difficult time not feeling special, especially since we live in such a great

and powerful country and are members of God’s only True Church…

I don’t mean to be offensive in the next couple of slides but…

Our country as an example…

• How many of us have made God into a cheering mascot for the national pride and strength we feel for the United States of America?

• Since we are the most powerful Nation on Earth and the most technologically sophisticated- we have a lot to cheer about!

How about the ‘Sins’ of our country…

• The genocide (‘our own Holocaust’) of the indigenous people of North America which numbered an estimated 9 million at the time of Columbus and around 240,000 at the turn of the 19th century.

• The only country on earth to ever use the Atomic bomb against other human beings, destroying approximately ___________ in a few fatal blasts.

Our own church as an example…• Wonderful as our church is- in my life time and in yours- we have

collectively, as a church, been called to repentance by latter-day prophets.• Specifically as an idolatrous people, see President Kimball’s talk: 1976• “The False Gods we Worship”• Specifically as a proud and vain people preventing Zion’s establishment,

see President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk: 1991• “Beware of Pride”

How about ourselves as an example…

• This is often the most difficult to see past our idealized ego constructed self to the wounded sinner who is asleep, scared, addicted and not about to recognize their need for salvation and healing beyond a rational and logical belief.

• We often do not want to confront the shadow side of our self- that darkness from which we try so hard to hide from. We don’t realize that the darkness, the opposition is inside of us- that is why we need our Savior and Physician- we can not escape it, we are it.

The scriptures teach us that there must needs be an opposition in all things…

Guess what? This may come as a surprise to you- but you are one of those things that has

the opposition inside! You cannot escape it by being good!

It already posses you and you can only be delivered from its grasp by someone much

mightier than you, to save!

3. Which code do I live by?

Purity or Compassion?

The Code of conduct that Jesus seemed to embrace, during his life time, was a code of

compassion, inclusion and forgiveness.

Think about how many times he forgave the sinners and would not cast the first stone, let

alone condemn others.

Think about the code of purity that the Pharisees lived by- always trying to trap Jesus

because of his violations of the ‘law’ while they strictly observed it!

Now think for a few moments of where the ‘emphasis’ in your life is drawn to. How much

‘compassion’ and forgiveness do you extend to yourself and others?

How much ‘purity’ do you try to maintain by your strict observance of the law and your

preoccupation with your religious performance?

Do you live by the code of compassion or purity?

I want to deal with a dilemma that keeps arising in my classes… the dilemma of students who feel as if they are doing something bad if they

experience bad feelings about it.

For example. I have students read books wherein are described scenes of sexual abuse

and some get very upset as if to do so- was wrong and inappropriate. They feel offended

and are somewhat angry.

They have expressed the concern that this ‘information’ is completely inappropriate at a

church sponsored school.

Some have stated that it is the teaching of the church not to engage in any activity that makes

them feel bad. And so they wrestle with the dilemma of feeling pure while they are exposed

to activities that are vile and evil in their own right.

Is it possible, that in their desire to remain pure and undefiled by the realities associated with the

sexual abuse of children- that they may have circumvented their own learning about the

suffering that occurred to the children talked about.

Of course, this stuff is vile and hideous and it is vital that we not remain naive and in denial about

it. And of course, it does not feel good to learn about it- but unless we do, we cannot help stem

the tide of the sexual assault of our children. It is the price we ‘willingly’ pay to help protect the

children?

What happens to our own hearts when we defend and protect our self on the misguided

notion that to feel vulnerable, threatened, disgusted, or saddened is wrong, even bad and

inappropriate?!?

If we shut our self off from our discomfort- then how do we come to relate and understand the suffering that comes from mature discipleship?

Please Read:

Doctrine and Covenants 123:7-17 and my commentary.

There may be many who would rather not be privy and understand the horrendous nature of the sexual

abuse of children- I guess in some way they may exercise that choice…

But please, do not hide behind a distorted understanding of self created purity and

righteousness.

Even the church has invited us into the ‘fray’- speaking of the sexual abuse of children:

“The church does not condone such heinous and vile conduct. Rather, we condemn in the

harshest of terms such treatment of God’s precious children. Let the child be rescued,

nurtured, loved, and healed...When you and I know of such conduct and fail to take action to

eradicate it, we become part of the problem. We share part of the guilt. We experience part of the

punishment.” Thomas s.

Monson, “Precious Children” Ensign, Nov.. 1991

Every parent has a sacred obligation to learn about the nature and extend of sexual abuse

and be wise and sophisticated enough to engage the discomfort of the conflict and fight.

How can we become part of the solution if we chose not to understand the nature of the

conduct… vile as it may be.

Please read and ponder the next statement by Alice Miller, taken from her book:

For Your Own Good, The Hidden Roots of Cruelty in Child Rearing. p 272

“Most adults are parents themselves. They have raised their children with the help of an unconscious store house filled with their own

childhood experiences and have no other recourse but to do everything the same way their parents did before them. But when they are

suddenly confronted with the knowledge that the greatest and most lasting harm can be done to a child at a very tender age, they

understandably are filled with often-unbearable guilt feelings. People who were raised according to the principles of the ‘poisonous

pedagogy’ suffer particular anguish at the thought that they may not have been perfect parents, because they owe it to their internalized parents to have made no mistakes. Thus, they will tend to shy away

from new ideas and will seek a haven all the more behind the old rules of child raising. They will insist emphatically that duty, obedience, and suppression of feelings are the portals to a good and honorable life and

that we become adults only by learning to keep a stiff upper lip; they will find it necessary to ward off all knowledge about the world of their

early childhood experiences”.

There are many parents who would rather protect themselves from the discomfort of their

own histories (pain, fear, hurt vulnerability, etc.) than protect their children who have been placed in

their care and keeping.

This is wrong- plain and simple!

Didn’t Christ try to teach Joseph Smith in Doctrine and Covenants 122:7 that even-

if the very jaws of hell gape open after thee, that these things shall give thee experience and shall

be for thy own good. The Son of Man descended below them all and we are invited to

know on some level too.Knowing and learning about evil is not in itself

evil!Christ knows first hand the suffering of those children who are described in the readings…

If we are to become more like the Savior and Lamb of God who gave himself in sacrifice for

us- how can we turn away from vicariously learning about some of these atrocities when

the opportunity presents itself?Would Christ turn away from the book and the

experiences shared because he would see them as ‘too distasteful and evil’ to read?

The truth is- He was there, not only did he know the heart and pain of the child victim but he also

knew the heart of the offender.

I can’t help but think we may have a distorted comprehension of what it means to be ‘pure’-- if we think that it is somehow defiling for us to be

exposed, via reading and education to the dynamics and nature of child abuse--

Christ taught us that the things that defile us are not the things that go into us but the things that come out of us… like the things that come from

our heart. (Mark 7:15, 21-23)

And maybe we are guilty of naively thinking we are keeping ourselves pure by being offended, feeling threatened or even refusing to read this

sexual abuse stuff –

but maybe a defended heart is keeping us asleep to the other dynamics that may be going on in

our lives...

Just as the scriptures teach us that God looks upon our heart, not our outward appearance and

behavior--The real issue for any of our outward behavior is:

What is motivating it?The scriptures teach us that we only have ‘moral agency’ (moral has to do with reasons)… why we do something is more important than what we do.

But many church members never take the time to penetrate past the superficial levels of outward living to understand the deeper motivations and reasoning

of their religious and spiritual life.

Please Read:

an excerpt from

‘Christ and the Inner Life’by Truman Madsen

4. The ‘will of God’ in my life

I was visiting with a friend the other day and as a single older male he was concerned about

marriage and his job and doing the ‘will of God’ in his life- which he interpreted as marrying the ‘right girl’ and picking out the ‘right vocation’ …I suggested that maybe the will of God in his life was not found in the major decisions of life but rather in the small transactions that occurred in

his own heart as he associated with others.

We had earlier talked about how he often got only so far in a romantic relationship before he

started to bail out… believing that God was communicating to him that the selection of the

female was not a good one for him.I suggested that maybe God didn’t have a thing to do with it but that his own defendedness and immaturity was more likely to blame and he was

only using God as a convenient scapegoat so that he didn’t have to change.

He was open enough to think about it and didn’t just dismiss it, as not relevant.

He did later, break off the relationship.

Christ speaks of the judgment in Matthew 25:32-46 and this is very important and

provocative…The sheep and the goats are separated, not on

the basis of religious performance such as church attendance, tithing payment, temple

work or home and visiting teaching, but rather on the basis of our treatment of brothers and

sisters who are an hungered, thirsty, sick, naked or in prison.

Christ put himself in their position as being one and the same.

Ponder the implication of the previous codes of behavior we earlier explored.

The judgment will be based upon our code of compassion towards others not upon

the code of purity that is selfishly pursued!

There was no one more pure or performance oriented than the Pharisees

of old. And Christ condemned them to hell.

Please consider one more incident from the life of Christ that may have application in our life… When Christ announced he was to betrayed by

one of his own… each apostle looked within questioning if he could be the one. (Mark 14:19)

Notice that they looked within first- they did not think Christ’s warning was without application to

themselves first.

I know how natural it is to assume that the problem is with someone other than the self…

May we too, look inward first before we start thinking this stuff is for others and not ourselves.

5. The Great Plans

Have any us ever read in the scriptures about the Great Plan of Law?

Or the Great Plan of Justice?

Why not?If the law and justice were sooo great why are there no titles, in the scriptures that suggests

that fact?

See how soon you can recognize the next drawing-

Yes- it is the drawing of the “Great Plan of Salvation” also referred to as the “Great

Plan of Happiness” also referred to as the “Great Plan of Mercy” also referred to as the “Plan of Redemption” also referred to as the “Plan of Restoration” also referred

to as the “Great Plan of the Father”.

But there is something missing from the diagram- do you know what it is?

It is often drawn without this dimension, of which all the ‘Great Plans’ are centrally about

and which, with out it, there would be nothing of value left!

It is Christ.

In C.S. Lewis’s book: Until We Have Faces…

A woman is conversing with her mentor and teacher (both of whom have passed on to the other side) and asks him a probing question-

“But aren’t the Gods Just?”To which he replies…

“Oh no my dear, for what would become of us?!?”

The Book of Mormon teaches us that we as fallen humans can not merit anything of our

selves! (Alma 22:14).

And that only by relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save- will we be saved!

(2 Nephi 31:19)

Otherwise we only ‘earn’ and deserve death, bondage, suffering and darkness… and that

because of law and justice!

Any body that becomes so enamored with Law and Justice that (as the Apostle Paul has said in

Romans 7:1-6) he or she becomes married to ‘it’ in the stead of Christ-- then we live in an

adulterous life and will bring forth ‘fruit unto death’.

Please Read and ponder…

• James 2:10 “For whosoever shall keep the whole law and yet offend in on point he is guilty of all.”

• Galatians 2:16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.”

• Galatians 5:4 “Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.”

Law and justice are unforgiving and once you are within their grasp you are ‘dead in the water’!

There is no hope, there is only condemnation, death and misery and you will be ‘cut off’!

(Alma 42:14 and 2 Nephi 2:5)

Unless…

You grab onto the only ‘Life Savior’ available to you- as you are slowly drowning (physically and

spiritually) in this metaphorical ocean of sin, pain, death, law and justice.

And that ‘Life Savior’ is Jesus, the Anointed One of the Father.

“The Great Plan of the Eternal God” is that Christ shall save us or we shall all perish in the depths of

the Metaphorical Ocean of Sin.Law and justice have us within their grasps and are pulling us under- and we cannot escape, but only through the love and mercy of our Savior!The ‘life line’ that is thrown to us is repentance

and Christ is holding the other end and will reel us in to his bosom if we only take hold of the rope.

The only thing that can save us from the law and justice that already have us within their ‘deadly’

grasp is repentance…

“Therefore, according to justice, the plan of redemption could not be brought about, only on

conditions of repentance…”(Alma 42:13)

“…for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive

you.” (Alma 5:33)

But here in lies the problem for some of us…we believe or think that our own efforts and will power will fare better than the mercies and love

of Christ. Just like the ancient children of Israel when

dying from the flying poisonous serpents- some choose to die instead of looking to the symbol of the Brazen Serpent that Moses held up in their

midst because they were hard hearted and deemed it too easy of a task to just look! (I Nephi

17:41-42)

How many times have we interpreted the well know scripture of 2 Nephi 25:23 as ignoring the

belief, reconciliation and grace of Christ and focusing upon our own puny and perverse efforts

of ‘all that we can do’?!?

The whole 25th chapter of 2nd Nephi is pleading with us to look unto Christ for salvation instead of the law- and do we still have ears for hearing, but

do not hear?

After all that we can do- the only thing we can do is have faith in Christ and repent of our sins… the only

thing!

Please read Alma 24:11 which explains the phrase ‘all we can do’.

“And now behold my brethren, since it has been all that we could do, (as we were the most lost of all mankind) to repent of all our sins and the many murders which

we have committed, and to get God to take them away from our hearts, for it was all we could do to repent sufficiently before god that he would take away our

stain.

I once heard a church person say:

“I am sure we all appreciate mercy but what I really have come to appreciate is law and

justice.”He went on to explain the benefits of the law and justice as being something that you could

really rely on… quoting the scripture:I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say. (D&C

82:10)

And I could only wonder…

There is only one thing more powerful and eternal than ‘law and justice’ and that is the mercy, love and grace of our Lord and God!

The Mercy, Love and Grace of Christ are stronger and more powerful than Law and Justice!

But there is a catch- in claiming that Power of Christ!

Christ’s mercy can only claim us (and overpower justice and law) if we are truly penitent! (Alma

42:24)Only if we have broken hearts and contrite

spirits- which only Christ, can bless us with- will we be saved and encircled within the arms of

safety. Only unto the repentant, who have faith in

Christ, will the great and eternal plan of redemption be made available. (Alma 34:16)

“The bowels of mercy which overpowereth justice” (Alma 34:15) can

only be activated by faith unto repentance.

That is why having faith in Christ and repenting is the only thing we can do- which will bring about the Power of

Christ in our lives- we will be saved by Grace- after having faith and repenting.

The conclusion…

Those who seek perfection and redemption via their own self righteous acts will be left to drown in the Metaphorical Ocean of Sin- having rejected the

Life Line of Christ.

And just like: “All the water in the world cannot sink the smallest ship unless it gets inside”.

“All the grace and mercy of God in the universe cannot save the single soul unless it gets inside!”

God wants our hearts and it is only his love that will allow us to enter- we but only

have to ‘look inside’ to discover the source and nature of that love. We have to look past the self contempt, woundedness,

loathing and fear that keep us out of the ‘Sanctuary of the Heart”.

It is there that God is patiently waiting for us.

Please Read:

‘Knowing God’Rachel Remen,

Kitchen Table Wisdom

Imagine being embraced within the loving arms of another person, who can love you

completely- even knowing your past wounds and history.

If you can find this ‘spot’ in your soul- then Christ can to. He will meet you there in a

compassionate mutual embrace of mercy, grace and love.

‘God can love us- not because we are good but because He is good.’

the end