presented by the hudson middle school counseling staff
TRANSCRIPT
Becoming a Love and Logic Parent
Presented by the Hudson Middle School Counseling Staff
What is Love and Logic?
Love and logic is a common sense approach to raising children that provides parents with easy-to-learn skills that create respect, responsibility, and good decision-making in youth.
Love allows children to grow through their mistakes.
Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices.
Two Rules of Love and Logic
Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, threats, or repeated warnings.
Adults set limits that are enforceable. Adults provide choices within limits to share control and thinking.
Rule #2: When children misbehave and cause problems, adults hand these problems back in loving ways.
Adults provide strong doses of empathy before holding children accountable for the consequences of such mistakes.
Adults delay consequences, when necessary, so that they can respond with wisdom and compassion.
Four Steps to Responsibility
Step One: Give the child a task he/she can handle. For best results, have the child describe in
his/her own words how things will look when the task is finished
Four Steps to Responsibility
Step Two: Hope that the child “blows” it. Opportunity for “real world” learning
experience Cost of learning less at this age
Four Steps to Responsibility
Step Three: Let equal parts of consequence and empathy do the teaching. Reduces chances of adult expressing anger Empathy reduces likelihood that child will
spend time thinking about adult’s anger instead of on their own decisions
Four Steps to Responsibility
Step Four: Give the same task again. Sends the message that people learn from their
mistakes
How to be a“C.O.O.L.” Parent in a
HOT situation
Control that is SharedOwnership of the ProblemOpportunity for Thinking/Decision MakingLet Consequences and Empathy Do the Teaching
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“C” is for Control that’s Shared
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“C” is for Control that’s Shared
“A child who feels he has some control over his life will spend little time and energy trying to manipulate and control the parent.”
Love and Logic allows parents to share control with their children on their terms.
See Handout “16” in your Parent Packet
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“C” is for Control that’s Shared
You can give your child some level of control in his life by giving him the ability to choose between different options.
The Key to sharing this control is to make either choice acceptable to you as well as a viable option for your child.
We cannot use threats!Only present choices that force your child to actually think
and weigh his options. This will allow him to make a rational decision vs. reacting to a threat.
But what does this look like?
See Handout “17” in your Parent Packet
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“C” is for Control that’s Shared
Find wording that is comfortable to you.Remember, each choice has to be equally acceptable to you.You must be willing to follow through with either choice.
But what does this look like?
See Handout “19” in your Parent Packet
“C.O.O.L.” FormulaExpect kids to push the limits of control, and
just be ready to give them acceptable choices!
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“O” is for Ownership of the Problem
Who Owns the Problem?
Parenting Styles can decide who owns the problem.• Helicopter• Drill Sergeants• Consultants
How to Guide Children to Own and Solve Their Problems
“A child who knows his problems are the concern of another, concernshimself with none of the problems.”
HelicoptersHelicopter parents hover, rescue, and protect.
The messages they send say:You are fragile. You can not make it without me.You need me to run interference.You need me to protect you. YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT IN LIFE WITHOUT ME!
“O” is for Ownership of the Problem
Drill SergeantsDrill Sergeant parents say: “Do it! Do it now, or else!”
The messages they send say:You can not think.I have to do your thinking for you, boss
you around, tell you what to do.You are not capable of making it in life.
“O” is for Ownership of the Problem
ConsultantsConsultant parents are always there to give advice and let the child make the decision, with the idea that they will let the child make as many mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable.
The message consultant parents send says:You would best do your own thinking because the
quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions.
Consultant parents take very good care of themselves in front of the kids…They never tell a kid what to do.They get better results by saying what they are going to do.They offer choices and alternatives instead of orders.When confronted with a problem, consultant parents use meaningful actions
and few words. They wrap consequences in a loving blanket of empathy.
“O” is for Ownership of the Problem
How to Determine WhenIt is not Our Problem
When we are upset about the child being upset, it is the child’s problem.
Ask yourself, “What is going to happen to me if that problem does not get Solved?” If you answer ‘nothing,’ then it is the child’s problem.
WARNING! Beware of how we, as parents, TWIST a problem around so we Think it is ours. (Whether or not to wear a coat…and who pays for the doctor.)It is almost as if we sometimes need it to be our problem.
“O” is for Ownership of the Problem
See Handout page 32“Guide the Child to Solve the Problem”
“O” is for Ownership of the ProblemDetermine who owns these problems. It may help you to ask:
Am I upset because he’s upset?What happens to me personally?How might I twist this problem to make it mine?
My daughter does not seem to have any friends. Problem: Child? Parent?
The teacher has called to complain that my Problem: Child? Parent?son took something that belonged to another child.
My son is whining at the dinner table and does Problem: Child? Parent?not care for the food.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“O” is for Opportunity for Thinking
Love and Logic allows you to present your child with choices that make him use his brain!
This will engage the critical thinking process and promotes ownership.
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“O” is for Opportunity for Thinking
Fighting Words vs. Thinking Words
Fighting wordsDo not give a choice, so kids will make their own
choices; ones that may not be acceptable to you.No thought process required, just reactions.
Thinking wordsGives kids a chance to make a good choice and to have
ownership of their decisions.Engages the thought process.
See Handout “39” in your Parent Packet
“C.O.O.L.” Formula
“L” is for Let EmpathyAnd Consequences Do
the TeachingConsequences vs. Punishments
Empathy and Consequences vs. Anger
Constructing Logical Consequences
How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical Consequences
See Handout page 48
Logical Consequences vs.
Punishments
“L” is for Let Empathy And Consequences Do the Teaching
See Handout page 51
Constructing LogicalConsequences
When constructing logical consequences, take time to consider:
1. What would happen to an adult, in the real world, who did the same kind of thing?
2. How can I tie the time and place of the infraction to the consequence?
3. How can I describe the consequence so that it moves the child into the thinking state? (Question are most effective.)
“L” is for Let Empathy And Consequences Do the Teaching
Applying the “C.O.O.L.” Formula
P. 63 of Take-Home Packet