power grab in egoland! - smithscripts.co.uk · we find ourselves in the kingdom of egoland a few...

1

“The Rise and Fall of Donald the 1/5t” © Gabriel Chanan 2017

The Rise and Fall of

by Gabriel Chanan

Power grab in

Egoland!

This script is protected by copyright laws. Any performance in any media

of this script is illegal unless the appropriate fee has been paid and a

licence issued. For further information please contact SMITH

SCRIPTS at [email protected]

PART TEXT -

FREE EXCERPT

mailto:[email protected]

2


PREFACE What’s The Rise and Fall of King Donald the 1/5th about? Try to imagine a state of mind where words are for denying reality instead of revealing it – it can be both disturbing, fascinating and funny. Since the advent of Donald Trump, we have all been subjected to this exercise and need some therapy. This play is meant to contribute. Simply trying to portray the new president wouldn’t have worked. Events were bound to move fast. And it clearly wasn’t just Trump that was at issue. So this is about another Donald, similar in character but in a fictional time and place. This distance permits us to create a complete story, encompassing his fall as well as his rise – but inevitably leaving unresolved issues on the horizon. We find ourselves in the kingdom of Egoland a few centuries ago. Rich merchant Donald, bored with his empire of taverns, hunting grounds, racecourses and houses of ill repute, and annoyed by repeated demands for the tax he has evaded, decides that his best defence against the kingdom is to seize control of it. If he has a faint inkling that his meddling may destroy his country, and himself with it, that’s just another one of the realities he denies. Three witches would surely be useful allies in Donald’s lunge for power. But our witches, unlike Shakespeare’s, don’t just announce the action, they enter into it, with three chaotically different objectives. Naturally Donald attacks every kind of established institution and expertise. The population is confused by allegations and counter-allegations of fake town crying. He instructs his courtiers to invent a mythical lineage to justify his ‘inheritance’ of the kingdom. But we also endow him with a servant who quietly understands him better than he does himself, and has hidden ways of challenging his power. The first half of our play shows how the merchant comes to power. In the second half we imagine a partial resolution, based on the historical observation that the fate of tyrants – and would-be tyrants – is often decided by those close to them as much as by their outright opponents. How our fantasy solution resonates with real events may

A rich, aggressive merchant plots to seize the throne in 17

th-century Egoland.

Who can save the country - and the world -

from his destructive policies? This prophetic satire with Shakespearean

overtones will help you laugh at things that would

otherwise make you cry.

3


change from day to day, giving an experimental quality to the deceptively light-hearted story. Developed with the East Berks-based Rattle’n’Roll Players, and with original music by Jeremy Soane, the play was first performed in autumn 2017 at the Windsor Fringe Festival, Reading International Festival and Binfield-Warfield-Winkfield Arts Week, preparatory to touring further afield in 2018. The text is illustrated here and there from the original production. www.gabrielchanan.co.uk [email protected] 2017

Rehearsing King Donald l-r: Aurora Spain, Spike Jefferson, Luna Trimming, Wendy Simeon, Kip Parker, Lynn Godliman, Barbara Martin, Jan Wild. Off set: Victoria Moir and Gabriel Chanan

With original music by Jeremy

Soane

‘We’ll meet by the

crooked oak...’

http://www.gabrielchanan.co.uk/

mailto:[email protected]

4


Characters PROLOGUE/ PROCLAIMER SANDWITCH [SANDY] A novice witch GREENWITCH [GRINNY] An experienced witch, thoroughly dedicated to evil TRIPSWITCH [TRIPSY] Chief of the witches, opportunistic and somewhat

inefficient DONALD a rich merchant SUNDRY his long-term, long-suffering servant KING OMBA aged, ailing king PRINCESS OMLET young heir apparent but more keen to study than

rule GARDENER TAMMY inclined to be conservative GARDENER GEORGINA inclined to be rebellious The QUEEN OF OLAND dignified FIRST COURTIER independent-minded, challenging SECOND COURTIER conciliatory, conformist ARCHBISHOP proud, devious GUARDS (at least two)

Apart from Tripswitch (f) and Donald (m) most of the parts could be played by either women or men, with slight changes in the text if necessary.

5


SCENES

ACT ONE Page Prologue 6 One To the witches’ meeting 7 Two Introducing Donald 9 Three The cauldron 12 Four In King Omba’s orchard 19 Five Donald and the witches 20 Six Grinny and Sandy 28 Seven Two gardeners 29 Eight The council meeting 32

ACT TWO Nine The Proclaimer 37 Ten The interview 39 Eleven The gardeners meet again 45 Twelve Negotiation 48 Thirteen The seizure 52 Fourteen Donald diverted 54 Fifteen Grinny/Sandy again 56 Sixteen Sundry redirected 57 Seventeen Chess 58 Eighteen Loyalists 63 Nineteen Revelation 65

6


PROLOGUE

[Enter PROLOGUE SL]

Our scene is set three hundred years ago in the legendary kingdom of Egoland, at that time more powerful than any other nation. A land hanging in the balance between ancient and modern wealth and poverty reason and superstition, where a merchant with inestimable riches was tempted to think he owned the country. What could be more different from our world? Any resemblance between this Donald and any other Donald you happen to know of is purely coincidental. If you wish to make compare, that’s up to you but do beware. Sift point for point not all at once and in a lump, for people and conditions differ and who can tell what may ensue? For now enjoy the rise and fall of a Donald in a different clime, far from us in space and time.

[Exit PROLOGUE SL]

.................................................................................................

7


ACT ONE

ONE To the witches’ meeting [Enter GRINNY SR, at first at side in shadow, with a broomstick. SANDY comes in SL, with a bag of ‘ingredients’, one hand forward as if searching her way in a mist. GRINNY makes an owl-like noise. SANDY starts.]

SANDY [uncertain, slightly scared] Is that you, Grinny? ...Grinny, is that you? GRINNY Heh, heh, heh. SANDY It’s you, isn’t it? GRINNY [coming forward] A piece of me. SANDY [reacting] Thank goodness. I wasn’t sure this was the right path. GRINNY Badness. SANDY What? GRINNY Thank badness. You’ll never make it as a witch if you thank goodness. SANDY Oh – oh, I see. Sorry. I’m still learning. GRINNY Evidently. What took you so long? SANDY I didn’t know the way, and it’s horribly stony. When can I have my magic

broomstick? GRINNY You have to earn it by evil deeds. SANDY I’m doing my best. GRINNY There you go again. Your worst, you mean. SANDY Sorry, my worst. GRINNY Have you brought your ingredients? SANDY Well, I managed to get some rat’s tails and dead toads. When it came to

the newts, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t bear to take their eyes out. GRINNY You’ll have to get over this squeamishness. Are you sure you’re cut out

to be a witch? SANDY I’m desperate. When do we start?

8


GRINNY We go on up here. Tripsy will meet us at the crooked oak. Mind the briars.

[They trudge round a ‘winding path’]

SANDY Is it always as misty as this up here? GRINNY Mist is good for visions. SANDY [looking out over audience] I can’t see any. Can you? GRINNY [visionary] Lots. Change is coming to Egoland. King Omba is dying. There

are promising opportunities – mayhem, murder and chaos. SANDY Can you really see into the future? GRINNY Oh, yes. SANDY How far can you see? GRINNY Hundreds of years, when the moon’s right. SANDY Tell me. GRINNY In time to come, there will be more than enough food for everyone in

Egoland. SANDY That’s amazing. GRINNY Everyone will be able to move swiftly from one place to another at will. SANDY Where will they keep all the horses? GRINNY No horses. Carriages that move by themselves. SANDY You’re making it up. GRINNY And people can talk to each other even when they’re miles away. SANDY That’s magic. They must be deliriously happy. But doesn’t that mean all

your witchery will have failed? GRINNY Far from it. They’ll fight over it all

as if they had as little as us. They’ll have gained everything they could possibly want, but they won’t know how to share it and they won’t know how to stop wanting more.

SANDY How dreadful. I feel sorry for them.

9


GRINNY Oh, dear. You’ve still got a long way to go, before you get that broomstick.

SANDY [frustration suddenly bursting out] Oh, hell and damnation! I’ll never

get the hang of this. GRINNY That’s more like it. Look, there’s the crooked oak ahead. [point offstage

to SL] Tripsy can’t be far away. [They EXIT together SL ] .................................................................................................

TWO Introducing Donald

[Enter DONALD and SUNDRY SR. Donald sits at desk to sign letters. SUNDRY is brushing a flashy jacket for him. There is a dish of apples] DONALD Has my carriage arrived yet? I’m

supposed to be opening my new hunting ground at two.

SUNDRY No, sir, your new gaming-palace.

The hunting ground is tomorrow. DONALD Oh, yes. You’re right. What would

I do without you, Sundry? Give me one of those apples. And see if my carriage is coming down the road.

SUNDRY [Giving apple] Ah ... DONALD What’s the matter? SUNDRY You know I can’t look down from that window, sir. DONALD Rubbish. We’re only in the middle tower. You wait till my top tower’s

finished. It’ll be twice as high as this. SUNDRY I hope you won’t ask me to go up there, sir. DONALD You’re missing a wonderful view of the King’s gardens. And the beautiful

birds with all their different tweets. God, how I love that twittering. SUNDRY I can hear that without looking out, thank you. DONALD I know how to cure you of this nonsense. SUNDRY [wearily] I’d rather you didn’t, sir. DONALD Don’t you want to be cured?

10


SUNDRY Not if it’s the same way you cured me of dumb insolence yesterday. DONALD It certainly is [DONALD whacks SUNDRY] There. Better now? SUNDRY Do you want an honest answer to that? DONALD Not if you’re going to complain. I provide everything you need, don’t I? SUNDRY Yes, sir. Well, to be more precise, you sell me everything I can afford on

the pittance you pay me. DONALD Comes to the same thing. Doh. This apple’s far too hard [He goes to the

window and throws it into the distance]. SUNDRY What a waste. You always ask for hard apples, then you chuck them out. DONALD Give me another one. SUNDRY [Giving DONALD another apple] You won’t like this one any better. DONALD What about the carriage? SUNDRY I can’t see anything now but spinning stars. DONALD Doh! This apple’s just as hard as the other one [He chucks the second

apple out of the window] SUNDRY Told you. If you ask me for another one I might as well chuck it straight

out. Or save it for someone who needs it. DONALD I’m bored, Sundry, bored. What shall I buy next? SUNDRY An inn? DONALD Boring. I’ve got a dozen. SUNDRY A racecourse? DONALD Same. SUNDRY A house of ill repute? DONALD You’re winding me up. You know I’ve got plenty of those. If I don’t buy

something new soon I’ll sink into my depression again. [Ominously:] You wouldn’t like me to do that, would you?

SUNDRY Perhaps it’s time to stop. My old granny used to say enough is as good as

a feast. DONALD What did she know? Did she ever have a feast?

11


SUNDRY No. She didn’t even have enough. But she was happier than you are. DONALD I’ve got to find something to invest all this money in. SUNDRY How about doubling my miserable wages? DONALD That’s not an investment. It’s money down the drain. SUNDRY Charming. How about compensation for the hazards of the job? DONALD What hazards? SUNDRY You deciding to cure me of something or other. DONALD That’s not a hazard. It’s a perk. SUNDRY Well, how about paying these bills, then?

[Hands DONALD a huge pile of bills] DONALD What’s this? More tax demands from the

king? I told you to get rid of ’em. [Thrusts the bills back at him. SUNDRY tries to gather them up, drops some.]

SUNDRY You might be happy to flout the king’s

law. I’m not. DONALD Ha! You’ve given me an idea. SUNDRY Have I? Do I get a reward? DONALD Yes. One less beating a day. SUNDRY There’s something to look forward to. DONALD I’ll buy the kingdom. I haven’t got one of those. That’ll make the king

stop sending me tax bills. SUNDRY I don’t think you can do that. DONALD Trust you to put a spoke in the works. Why not? SUNDRY You don’t buy a kingdom. You have to inherit it. Then you submit

yourself humbly to the people, and they acclaim you. That’s what my old granny told me.

DONALD What if they don’t acclaim you? SUNDRY You hand the crown on to the next in line.

12


DONALD They’ll acclaim me first off, if they know what’s good for ’em. SUNDRY You’ve missed out the inheriting stage. DONALD That’s a detail. I’ll fix it later. Now get rid of those bills. SUNDRY [Aside, going off SL] I think he’s bitten off more than he can chew this

time. DONALD Did you say something? SUNDRY Just humming a little tune. You know me. Happy go lucky. [Exit SL] DONALD I hate to admit it to that smart-arse servant of mine, but I guess

acquiring the kingdom might be a bit more complicated than I thought. I’ve got to make sure of that acclamation. I’m going to need some help from the forces of darkness. Now, what was it my mother always said when she was trying to stamp out my tantrums? ‘The witches of Spooky Heath will come and get you.’ It scared me witless. But it fascinated me too. I wanted to know what the witches of Spooky Heath were like. And what was the worst they could do. Are they real? Are they still there? It’s time I found out. [Exit SR]

................................................................................................

THREE The cauldron [TRIPSY, GRINNY and SANDY dance on, TRIPSY from SR, SANDY and GRINNY from SL]

TRIPSY When shall we three meet again

in thunder, lightning or in rain? GRINNY Just a minute [gets out diary] How about Wednesday afternoon? TRIPSY No – sorry – I’ve got a zombie workshop. GRINNY Can’t you postpone it? TRIPSY No, they’re dead keen.

[TRIPSY and GRINNY burst into cackles of laughter. SANDY is taken aback. They suddenly stop and stare at SANDY. ]

SANDY Oh, I see. Dead keen [Tries a feeble cackle] GRINNY What about Friday? TRIPSY Sorry, I’m giving a curses seminar to the Young Harridans club. SANDY What about Thursday?

13


GRINNY Can’t. I’m having my hair undone. TRIPSY Why? Your hair looks perfectly frightful already. GRINNY Thanks but I’d rather be sure. Why can’t we get on with the business

now? These entrails have to be used before the ides of march. TRIPSY In they go, then.

[TRIPSY removes drape to reveal cauldron]. GRINNY Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen this cauldron before. Is it new? TRIPSY Yes, the latest thing. Multistick. The ingredients never come off. They

just get fouler and fouler. GRINNY Ooh, I want one. How does it work? TRIPSY Same as usual, I suppose. Weave a circle round it thrice. [She motions a

clockwise circle] GRINNY Weren’t there any instructions with it? TRIPSY I didn’t notice. GRINNY Call yourself Witch Superior? Have a look at the packaging. TRIPSY I ripped it up and chucked it in. [They peer into the cauldron]

14


SANDY That looks like ’em. GRINNY Fish ’em out. TRIPSY Get a stick. [SANDY gets a stick and fishes out a piece of paper] GRINNY Give it here [smoothing out the paper] What a mess. Let’s see. Boil up

your foul brew. We’ve done that. Insert unsavoury objects. We’ve done that. Insert code on key-pad. What!

SANDY They must mean this funny thing on the side with letters and numbers.

What’s the code? TRIPSY No idea. SANDY It must say somewhere. GRINNY This writing is tiny. What do they think we are – insects? Doh. That bit’s

in French. Wait – German. Russian. Chinese. Everything except – ah, here we are. Set at mark five for frozen, four for chilled. Remove outer packaging. Pierce film-wrap and place on middle shelf. Ah – here - the code will be found etched on the bottom of the cauldron. Doh! Why do they always do that?

SANDY We’ll have to tip it up. GRINNY It’ll all come out. SANDY If you two tip it, and I get under here, we might just do it. TRIPSY You’ll get roasted. SANDY I think I can manage. Yes, I can see it. Are you ready?

[Business with cauldron. GRINNY holds cauldron up with difficulty, getting hotter and hotter. TRIPSY enters the code on the side of the cauldron as SANDY speaks]

TRIPSY Go on SANDY A TRIPSY Yes SANDY B TRIPSY Yes SANDY C

15


TRIPSY Yes GRINNY Hurry up. I can’t hold it much longer. SANDY One TRIPSY Yes SANDY Two TRIPSY Yes SANDY Three. That’s it.

[SANDY comes out and they lower the cauldron, panting and puffing] TRIPSY We could have guessed that. GRINNY Why didn’t you, then? TRIPSY Well done, Sandy. SANDY Thanks. Does that mean I can have my magic broomstick now? GRINNY One bad deed doesn’t make a winter. Can we get on, please? TRIPSY If you’ve learnt the chants. SANDY Oh, yes. I’ve been practising. Can’t say I really like them though. GRINNY [irritated] What’s the matter with them? SANDY They’re a bit nasty, don’t you think? TRIPSY [Impatient, dismissive] They’re only words. GRINNY [Outraged] Only! [to Sandy:] What do you think this is, some kind of

game? TRIPSY Off we go.

[They dance round the cauldron clockwise, chanting rhythmically, building up to a climax]

ALL [Chanting:] Round the cauldron firmly tramping, up the scale of mischief ramping, fear and superstition raising, on the shoots of virtue stamping. The king is dying, come confusion,

16


drug the people with delusion. Tramp! Tramp! Tramp!

GRINNY Has that done the trick? [They peer into the cauldron] TRIPSY One more verse, I think. SANDY [Looking to audience] Let’s get some help. GRINNY Who from? Everyone hates us. SANDY No, they don’t. They’re fascinated by us. [To audience] Aren’t you?

[Reaction. Louder:] Aren’t you? [Reaction] I’ll take that as a yes. [To GRINNY:] See? TRIPSY Go on then. SANDY [To audience:] Got the rhythm, did you? Clap along. And at the end of

the verse the chant is ‘Tramp, tramp, tramp!’. Let’s have a practice. One, two, three… Tramp, Tramp, Tramp. I can’t hear you. Once more… Tramp, Tramp, Tramp. Right. Here we go: [Witches circle the cauldron again clockwise, with chant:] Round the cauldron drive the power. Take advantage of the hour. Now the cauldron’s brewing malice both for hovel and for palace. The king is dying, the people quail. Who succeeds will surely fail.

[chorus with SANDY ‘Conducting’ audience:] Tramp! Tramp! Tramp!

SANDY Well done. TRIPSY [To audience:] Anyone interested in joining the coven, see us later. SANDY What now? TRIPSY Peer into the murky depths. See what rises to the surface. Listen to the

gurglings. Interpret! - Yes! I’m getting a message. GRINNY I can’t hear anything. TRIPSY Yes, yes. ‘The coronation of King Omba has been celebrated in the royal

palace’. SANDY That’s odd.

17


GRINNY That happened twenty years ago. Let me see those instructions. [Grabs the instructions, scans them] You fool. We went round the wrong way. It was supposed to be anti-clockwise.

SANDY What’s happened? GRINNY [to TRIPSY] You and your new-fangled bloody state of the art super-

cauldron. It’s gone backwards. It’s foretold the past, instead of the future.

TRIPSY How was I supposed to know? GRINNY We’ll have to start again. The other way round. Come on. Before it

cracks up altogether. SANDY [To audience, leading them to clap:] Get ready for the chorus

everybody. and the chorus this time is: trump, trump, trump: One, two - [Witches circle anti-clockwise and chant:] Round the cauldron sway and swivel. Call up every eager devil. Let suspicion breed division, split by race and by religion hate trump caring, greed trump sharing, trump and trash beyond all bearing. [chorus with SANDY ‘Conducting’ audience:]

Trump, trump, trump.

TRIPSY It’s working!

[They peer into the cauldron] GRINNY At last! It’s telling the future. TRIPSY Here come some clues, churned up from the depths.

[They pull out various objects] SANDY What’s that? GRINNY A dead duck. TRIPSY What else is there? SANDY I can’t see. There’s too much steam. Beelzebub, what a pong! I’m going

to sneeze. GRINNY Don’t! SANDY Can’t help it. Ah – ah – ATCHOO! [plop]

18


TRIPSY What was that? SANDY What? GRINNY Something flew out of your mouth and straight into the brew. SANDY Oh, hell. It’s my crown. TRIPSY What? SANDY From my tooth. I’ve only just had it done. And I specially went to that

expensive vampire dentist. GRINNY I’d demand my blood back, if I were you. TRIPSY With interest. SANDY Sorry. I suppose that’s mucked the whole thing up. TRIPSY These things never happen by accident. Think. First we had the duck. GRINNY Then Sandy sneezed. TRIPSY Then her crown. Duck – sneeze - crown. It might be – I’ve got it! SANDY Look – there’s someone coming up the winding path. TRIPSY It’ll be him. SANDY Who? TRIPSY Think duck. GRINNY Donald! TRIPSY The very one. Now put it back together. GRINNY Donald ...sneeze... crown. TRIPSY Donald will seize the crown. GRINNY Bingo. SANDY And he’s coming up here! TRIPSY It’s fated. GRINNY Fantastic. He wants our help. He’ll reward us. We’ll be able to ask him

for anything.

19


SANDY You could ask him for a cauldron that works in both directions, for a start.

GRINNY I’ll ask him for a lifetime supply of gold to corrupt governments and

judges. SANDY I’ll ask him to improve conditions for witches. We should have decent

salaries and pensions. TRIPSY You fools. Do you think he’s going to want three witches on the loose

knowing his plan to sneeze the crown – I mean seize the crown? As soon as we’ve revealed we know it, he’ll kill us.

SANDY What shall we do? TRIPSY You keep your traps shut. I’ll do the talking. [All three exit SL] ...................................................................................................

power grab in egoland! - smithscripts.co.uk · we find ourselves in the kingdom of egoland a few...

Documents