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GRIEFThe loss of anything that is

meaningful to a person

Initial Reaction• Complete shock

• The world has stoppedThis isn't happeningYou're joking...What?

• Feelings of numbness, disbelief, rejection, unreality, frozenness

• This reaction is normal and is a healthy way of coping• Acts as a buffer – protects us from feelings overwhelming us• Usually of short duration – gradually wears off• Processing the loss is underway

Examples of Loss• Bereavement• Illness• Miscarriage• Job/unemployment• Relationship separation• Termination of pregnancy• Physical/Sexual Assault• Health• Fantasy loss – hopes and dreams• Independence, status, role• Possessions• Immigration losses

Waves on a beach

Snow Globe

Feelings You Might Experience• Pain/Sorrow/Despair/Anguish• Relief• Anxiety• Anger• Guilt• Sadness• Yearning/Searching for Loved One• Self Blame• Loneliness• Abandonment• Fear• Spiritual Confusion

Physical Signs

headaches

inability to concentrate

various psychosomatic complaints

tiredness

digestive disruptions

shortness of breath

insomnia

nausea

sighing

muscular aches

tightness in throat or chest

One Explanation of Grief Reaction

Grief• Shock/Denial• Isolation• Awareness of what has happened begins to surface – painful emotions and

physical distress. • Confusion - Time Alone/Social Contact• Guilt• Anger directed at self• Feeling you could have prevented event or done something better• If only...why didn't I...I should have• Anger• Can be a welcome relief from self blame• Looking for justification for the hurt/blame• Can be directed at external sources (God, Police etc) • Can experience anger towards person who has died• Form of self protection• Constructive or destructive

Grief• Bargaining• Anticipatory Grief – someone terminally ill, pending loss of livelihood etc• Trying to find alternative solutions to the inevitable• Depression• Reality of situation has been accepted• No energy/drive/motivation• Nothing can seem worthwhile• Despairing• Can feel alone/people have left• Resignation• Unwanted acceptance• Feel like giving up• Support is particularly helpful at this point• Creative Acceptance• Point of resolution and re-integration will be reached

Tasks of Grief• To accept the reality of the loss

• Acknowledge the loss and find a way to say goodbye to what you have lost – rituals can help with this

• To experience the pain of the loss

• Feel all of your feelings – come/go quickly/long time• 'Wave of emotion' fearful of overwhelm• See pain as healing – normal reaction to loss• Accept feelings but don't dwell – it is what it is!

• To adjust to the new environment

• Acknowledging all the changes• Helps you to know what areas you need support

Tasks of Grief

• To re-invest energy in life and have a new relationship with your loss

• Relocating your loss• Ways to celebrate and remember your loss• Honour your loss – plant a tree, make a photo album or memory box, light a

candle. • Keeping the connection as well as transitioning to it being different• Participating in life again doesn't mean you have forgotten your loss

No Timeframe

Grieving Requires Action• Loss is individual and different for everyone• Expression of loss unique to individual • Identifying losses makes experience real and clarifies your feelings• Positive thoughts do not help in grieving process if you aren't acknowledging

what is happening for you – avoidance/stuck• Don't judge your feelings• Talk, talk and talk about your loss. Helps with confusion, loneliness and relieves

pressure• Tell your stories – they are still there if you don't• Be with people • Express you feelings by talking or doing something that matches your feeling e.g.

drawing, journaling, moulding, write the person a letter, plant a tree• Expressing your feelings means you can move through your experiences• Find ways to stay connected – this can be used as a resource

• Join a Support Group• Continue to use the person's name• Get a Memento• Connect with family/friends• Acceptance happens when the reality of the situation is faced

Grieving Requires Action (continued)

Self care in grief• Allow other people to give you support. No-one else knows exactly how you feel,

but many people have experienced loss and have support to give• Tell people how they can support you• Sleep/diet/exercise• Talk about your loss, continue to use their name• Abdominal breathing• Don't make any major decisions – going through enough change• Delegate small decisions• Be gentle with yourself – your body needs energy for repair• Do some activities – this gives your emotions a rest• Balance between rest and activity• Keep routines going

• Talk with trustworthy people• Join a support group• Stay away from stress people or situations• Do things you get comfort from – massage, hug etc• Don't try to figure everything out• It's OK to be taken care of for a while• It is OK to laugh it doesn't mean you aren't grieving

Self care in grief (continued)

Avoid• Drugs & alcohol – quick fix/deepening depression/addictive/grief returns when

you stop• Avoid making major decisions while you are grieving. If a major decision is

absolutely unavoidable, seek the wisdom of a trusted friend to help you.• Don’t hide reminders of your loss (photos, favourite CD’s, etc.) the pain they

cause can help you express your emotions and thus bring some relief.• Avoidance gives the illusion that things are better. What you resist persists –

"boiling mud"

As a friend what can I do• Encourage real memories to be talked

about. • Doing practical things to help the person

(e.g. dishes, cooking)• Acknowledge that each griever’s way of

grieving will be unique, and that stages of grieving may overlap. Recognise that at times the intensity of the grief will be greater than at others.

• Encourage the griever to express emotions. Remember the emotion many people have difficulty with is anger.

• If a family is involved remember the quieter ones are grieving too.

• If children are involved, encourage them to share in the grief process with the adults.

• Allow the griever time to grieve. They will start feeling better gradually in their own time.

• Remember that often there is a lot of support immediately after the loss but that this tends to drop off. The grieving person will need support for quite some time.

• Encourage the griever to seek support from others who have common grief as they can support each other.

• Encourage the griever to be patient with themselves and with others who are grieving.

• Listen and try not to give advice• Be beside the griever – sometimes no words

are required

As a friend what can I do (continued)

Avoid• Changing the subject• Offering platitudes such as it will get better with time, he/she had a long life, be

grateful they aren't suffering, time will heal, you have other children, there are more fish in the sea etc

• Don't say "you shouldn't feel the way you do"• Don't say "you should be over it by now" or to "just think positively" • Although the intentions are helpful they just aren't helpful!

Resources• www.skylight.org.nz• http://www.talkingworks.co.nz/articles/grief+loss+and+change.html• http://www.depression.org.nz/

• Books• The Journey Through, Skylight• Coming to Grief• How to Survive the Loss of a Love• Lessons of Loss – A Guide to Coping