issue no. 14/4 july / august 2014 what makes suicide … makes suicide different the death of a...
TRANSCRIPT
S E Q U O I A C L U B
July/Aug 2014 1
Website: www.sosbsa.org.au Email: [email protected]
Facebook: SOSBSA Mail: P.O. Box 334
Springwood Qld 4127
What makes suicide different The death of a loved one is never easy to experience, whether it comes without warning or after a long struggle with illness. But several circumstances set death by suicide apart and make the process of bereavement more challenging. For example:
A traumatic aftermath. Death by suicide is sudden, sometimes violent, and usually unexpected. Depending on the situation, survivors may need to deal with the police or handle press inquiries. While you are still in shock, you may be asked whether you want to visit the death scene. Sometimes officials will discourage the visit as too upsetting; at other times, you may be told you'll be grateful that you didn't leave it to your imagination. "Either may be the right decision for an individual. But it can add to the trauma if people feel that they don't have a choice," says Jack Jordan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and co-author of After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief.
You may have recurring thoughts of the death and its circumstances, replaying the final moments over and over in an effort to understand — or simply because you can't get the thoughts out of your head. Some suicide survivors develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that can become chronic if not treated. In PTSD, the trauma is involuntarily re-lived in intrusive images that can create anxiety and a tendency to avoid anything that might trigger the memory.
Stigma, shame, and isolation. Suicide can isolate survivors from their community and even from other family members. There's still a powerful stigma attached to mental illness (a factor in most suicides), and many religions specifically condemn the act as a sin, so survivors may understandably be reluctant to acknowledge or disclose the circumstances of
such a death. Family differences over how to publicly discuss the death can make it difficult even for survivors who want to speak openly to feel comfortable doing so. The decision to keep the suicide a secret from outsiders, children, or selected relatives can lead to isolation, confusion, and shame that may last for years or even generations. In addition, if relatives blame one another — thinking perhaps that particular actions or a failure to act may have contributed to events — that can greatly undermine a family's ability to provide mutual support.
Mixed emotions. After a homicide, survivors can direct their anger at the perpetrator. In a suicide, the victim is the perpetrator, so there is a bewildering clash of emotions. On one hand, a person who dies by suicide may appear to be a victim of mental illness or intolerable circumstances. On the other hand, the act may seem like an assault on or rejection of those left behind. So the feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment that occur after many deaths are especially
Issue No. 14/4 July / August 2014
Caring, Support, Awareness, Education
Telephone Help Line: 1300 767 022
What makes Suicide Different -- Harvard Medical School website (dated July 2009)
2 July/Aug 2014
intense and difficult to sort out after a suicide.
Need for reason. "What if" questions may arise after any death. What if we'd gone to a doctor sooner? What if we hadn't let her drive to the basketball game? After a suicide, these questions may be extreme and self-punishing — unrealistically condemning the survivor for failing to predict the death or to intervene effectively or on time. Experts tell us that in such circumstances, survivors tend to greatly overestimate their own contributing role — and their ability to affect the outcome.
"Suicide can shatter the things you take for granted about yourself, your relationships, and your world," says Dr. Jordan. Many survivors need to conduct a psychological "autopsy," finding out as much as they can about the circumstances and factors leading to the suicide, in order to develop a narrative that makes sense to them. While doing this, they can benefit from the help of professionals or friends who are willing to
listen — without attempting to supply answers — even if the same questions are asked again and again.
Sometimes a person with a disabling or terminal disease chooses suicide as a way of gaining control or hastening the end. When a suicide can be understood that way, survivors may feel relieved of much of their what-if guilt. "It doesn't mean someone didn't love their life," says Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Adds Dr. Prigerson, "The grieving process may be very different than after other suicides."
A risk for survivors. People who've recently lost someone through suicide are at increased risk for thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide. After any loss of a loved one, it's not unusual to wish you were dead; that doesn't mean you'll act on the wish. But if these feelings persist or grow more intense, confide in someone you trust, and seek help from a mental health professional.
Support from other survivors Research suggests that suicide survivors find individual counseling (see "Getting professional help") and suicide support groups to be particularly helpful. There are many general grief support groups, but those focused on suicide appear to be much more valuable. In a small pilot study that surveyed 63 adult suicide survivors about their needs and the resources they found helpful, 94% of those who had participated in a suicide grief support group found it moderately or very helpful, compared with only 27% of those who had attended a general grief group. The same study found that every survivor who had the opportunity to talk one-on-one with another suicide survivor found it beneficial. These results were published in the journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior (July 2008).
"Some people also find it helpful to be in a group with a similar kinship relationship, so parents are talking to other parents. On the other hand, it can be helpful for parents to be in a group where they hear from people who have lost a sibling — they may learn more about what it's like for their other children," says Dr. Jordan.
Some support groups are facilitated by mental health professionals; others by laypersons. "If you go and feel comfortable and safe — [feel] that you can open up and won't be judged — that's more important than whether the group is led by a professional or a layperson," says Dr. Prigerson. Lay leaders of support groups are often themselves suicide survivors; many
are trained by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which has a support group locator on its Web site (see "Selected resources").
For those who don't have access to a group or feel uncomfortable meeting in person, Internet support groups are a growing resource. A 2008 study comparing parents who made use of Internet and in-person groups found that Web users liked the unlimited time and 24-hour availability of Internet support. Survivors who were depressed or felt stigmatized by the suicide were more likely to gain help from Internet support services. Interestingly, people in urban areas were just as likely to make use of the Internet as those in more isolated places.
You can join a support group at any time: soon after the death, when you feel ready to be social, or even long after the suicide if you feel you could use support, perhaps around a holiday or an anniversary of the death.
What makes suicide different Cont’d
S E Q U O I A C L U B
July/Aug 2014 3
An Ugly Pair of Shoes I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
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Bereaved by Youth Suicide
We are conducting a study to help understand the
grieving process in people who have lost a young
person they love to suicide.
If you have lost a brother, sister or child to suicide,
we would like to invite you to participate in an online
survey, or a private interview about your brother,
sister or child’s death and how if has affected you
and your family. The online questionnaire should
take about an hour to complete. The interview may
take up to two hours.
Participants must be at least 18 years of age, and
have lost a brother, sister or child younger than 20
years of age, in the past 5 years. The aim of this
study is to learn more about the grieving process, its
impact on families and their relationships.
We hope information gained will help develop better
treatment and support for families who suffer this
terrible loss.
If you would like further information, or to participate
in this study,
please contact Liz Adams on 0402692755 or via
email at:
[email protected] for a link to an
online survey or to make an appointment for a
private interview.
Parents who prefer to share their story anonymously can click onto an online survey with the following link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3GS6FFG Siblings who prefer to share their story anonymously can click onto an online survey with the link below: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3HWFGKR Researcher Supervisors: Dr Kairi Kolves, Senior Research Fellow, Ms Jacinta Hawgood, Lecturer, AISRAP, Griffith University, Brisbane (07) 3735 3382 or [email protected] Approved by Griffith University Ethics Protocol Number PSY/D8/13/HREC
4 July/Aug 2014
Hi everyone and welcome to the July/August edition of our newsletter for 2014.
First let me apologise for this issue being late.
This issue contains a couple of articles that we thought you might be interested in and that might
provide some insight and support to you. I hope that they do.
2014 Membership: Don’t forget that your 2014 membership is now due. If you haven’t been a member before, please consider becoming a member and providing us with your support. You can pay by direct deposit or through paypal. Looking forward to having you join us in 2014.
Newsletter Articles: We are always looking for things to share in our newsletter and would love to share your story and photos. If you have something that you would like to share, please email it to [email protected].
Facebook: Our facebook community is now at 5,700. These people come from all over the world. If you haven’t yet joined our facebook community all you need to do is search SOSBSA. Our facebook presence is run like a support group and if you are ever at any time (24/7) looking for support this is where you can always find someone to talk to.
Upcoming events: Picnic – 24th August – see add below Candlelight Memorial – Friday 3rd October at 7pm – at New Farm park. International Survivors of Suicide Day – Saturday 22nd November – details to be confirmed.
If you have any ideas for other functions or things you would like us to do, please let me know. We are always open to new ideas.
Take care of yourselves and know that there is always someone to share your journey with.
Love and peace to you all
Cherrie xoxo
SOSBSA Get-Together
Glindemann park, Logan Rd, Holland Park
(Logan Road side)
Sunday 24th August 1:00pm
BYO plate to share, picnic blanket, chairs
Contact Cherrie on 0423 567 055 for details
President’s Report -- Cherrie Cran
S E Q U O I A C L U B
July/Aug 2014 5
One of the most challenging types of loss a bereavement counselor or therapist will be faced with is that of a family dealing with a death by suicide. Each member of the family will experience their grief differently depending on a myriad of factors. These factors include the person’s relationship to the deceased, factors regarding the circumstances of the death, previous history of loss, as well personality factors. In addition to their intra-personal responses they may be encountering environmental changes which could include a withdrawal of social support or the “conspiracy of silence”, financial hardships, and so forth.
When death is a result of suicide, the task of telling children is even more difficult than for other types of death. The immediate aftermath of the death is a time of confusion and intense emotion for everyone involved and families may seek guidance on what to tell children and how much to involve children in the funerary rituals.
Regardless of the age of the child, it is always important to offer simple, truthful explanations about the cause of the death. Accurate information is crucial to the grieving process, and without the facts children will have difficulty with the first task of mourning, accepting the reality of the death as identified by the leading authority on grief, Dr. J. William Worden. Regardless of age, involving the children in the funerary rituals will also help them with this task. Children will follow the lead of the adults in their life and if adequately prepared for the funeral will generally find the support of their community and rituals to be very comforting.
The following examples are helpful tools for explaining suicide to children and helping them on their journey toward
healing:
For very young children:
First explain, “the person that died had been feeling very, very sad and could not think of any other way to end the pain/sadness.”
Explain what he/she did to end their life, “she took a whole bottle of pills which made her body stop working and then she died” or “he used a gun to make his body stop working, and then he died.”
Always end with saying that there was a better way to solve this problem.
While most people who are depressed are not suicidal, most suicidal people are
Words to Use
Suicide: The act of killing yourself so
that your body won’t work anymore. People who kill themselves often do so because they feel there is no other way to solve their problems or to end the pain they are feeling. Sometimes they feel hopeless that things will never get better and that life is not worth living. But, there is always another answer.
Death: When a person’s body stops working.
Depression: Extreme feelings of sadness and hopelessness that lasts a long time.
Guilt: Something we feel when we think we have done something wrong or are the cause of something bad happening.
Grief: Natural feelings when someone close to us has died.
Explaining Suicide to Children -- National Association of Social Workers Website (dated 22 Aug 2007)
Explaining Suicide to Children cont’d
6 July/Aug 2014
depressed. Therefore, for school aged children one might say: “Mommy had a disease called depression which made her feel sad and/or angry. Because of the disease she could not think clearly like we do, so she could not think of any other way to get help or end her pain except to end her own life.”
Again, conclude by reminding a child there is always someone willing to help and suicide, or the act of making your body stop working, is not the right answer.
When speaking with adolescents, one might remember:
It is important to be both truthful and thorough in explanations while remembering to emphasize that the adolescent is not to blame.
Developmentally, an adolescent ia on a course of individuating and separating from the family. It is important to remember that expecting them to assume parental or adult responsibilities prematurely because of the absence of the deceased could interfere with this natural and imperative developmental outcome.
Children will eventually learn the truth and it is always preferable for a child to hear the truth from the person they trust most in the safest setting possible. To minimize confusion and anger, this conversation should take place before the child returns to school so they will be prepared for the questions and comments of their peers. If children don’t learn the truth until adulthood, they may feel betrayed by those they trusted.
A child may experience the act of a parental suicide personally. This often affects their sense of self worth and creates feelings of abandonment. Unexpressed anger, guilt and shame can impair the child’s ability to form meaningful relationships in the future. Fortunately, on a positive note, Harvard researcher Phyllis Silverman (2001) found that most childhood grief survivors are able to remain committed in relationships.
Bereavement counselors will often remind child survivors of suicide that the person who died loved them and that the death is not the child’s fault. Another way to help children is to keep memories of happy times alive in conversation, keep photos and personal belongings of the person that died on hand, and by making a memory box or album.
Brisbane-based photographer looking for input for project:
We have received a request for people to take part in a photographic project. Here is an excerpt from that request:
“I am a Brisbane based documentary photographer, and third year student at Queensland College of Art, Griffith University, currently undertaking a photographic project around the effects of suicide related trauma. I have directly felt the effects of suicide following a friend’s passing and have only just begun to understand the long-term effects that this experience can have on family and friends of victims to suicide.
This project seeks to document these long-term effects. I am hoping to make contact with people who have suffered the loss of someone to suicide and, working collaboratively, I hope to be able to share their stories with a broader audience in an attempt to raise awareness about this very sensitive issue.
I believe that this project could contribute to campaigns for suicide prevention by sharing the poignant stories of survivors with others. Exhibition, print and online publication are possible ways for me to add to public discussions around the issue of suicide and grief. The evocative imagery I hope to produce may also be of some use to your organisation in presenting a multi-dimensional profile to the public.”
If you are interested in taking part in this project please email us at [email protected]
Note: this is not an SOSBSA project.
S E Q U O I A C L U B
July/Aug 2014 7
Other S.O.S.B.S.A. Support Group Meetings
Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc in this newsletter are not
necessarily the views of SOSBSA. Any articles, poems, quotes that are stated as ‘author unknown’ within this
newsletter are reproduced in good faith and do not intentionally contravene copyright laws.
Brisbane Support Group (473 Annerley Road Annerley)
Friday fortnightly at 7:30pm
July – 4, 18
Aug – 1, 15, 29
Contact: Cherrie 0423 567 055
Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc in this newsletter are not
necessarily the views of SOSBSA. Any articles, poems, quotes that are stated as ‘author unknown’ within this
newsletter are reproduced in good faith and do not intentionally contravene copyright laws.
Membership
Pensioner / Student $20
Adult member $30
Family $50
Not-For-Profit Org. $50
Affiliate Business $100
You are now able to do this all online: www.sosbsa.org.au (About us tab/Membership)
or contact [email protected]
Memberships help pay for printing, copying, mailing
and our telephone help line.
Gladstone Support Group
The Gladstone Neighbourhood Centre
105 Toolooa St, Gladstone
2nd Thursday of every month 10am - 12pm
Contact Michaelle on 0413 121 512
Cairns Support Group
2nd Tuesday of every month at 7:30pm.
Contact Fran: 4045 2955 or 0407 695 891
Bundaberg Support Group
Neighbourhood Centre 111 Targo Street, Bundaberg
2nd Wednesday of every month at 10:30 am
Contact Peter: 07 4155 1015
Mackay Support Group
Gordon White Library Meeting Room 54 Phillip Street, Mt Pleasant, Mackay
2nd Saturday of every month at 2 pm
Contact Kim: 0430 186 149
Whitsundays Support Group
Crisis & Counselling Centre, Cannonvale Business Centre
Shute Harbour Road Airlie Beach
1st Saturday of every month 2pm
Contact Renee: 0412 448 805
Gold Coast Support Group Coming Soon – Details TBA
Interested in starting a support group?
Contact us: [email protected] or 1300 767 022
SOSBSA Phone
Volunteers WANTED
We are looking for expressions of interest
regarding volunteering for our 1300 help line.
Training will be provided.
Contact [email protected] or 1300 767 022 for more information.
Management Committee
President: Cherrie Cran
Vice President: Donna Cumming Treasurer: Darrin Larney
Secretary: Motomi Sakurada Members: Anne
Beryl Pitson Cathy Lane
S O S B S A
8 July/Aug 2014
If you wish to receive this newsletter via email, please email us at [email protected]
Other Suicide Support Groups If you would like to add your suicide support group to this page, please email [email protected]
If you wish to receive this newsletter via email, please email us at [email protected]
Thank You
Thank you to Maree
Hart for her generous donation of stamps to help with posting newsletters
and information packs. Much
appreciated. xxxx
Chermside
Lifeline Brisbane North
766 Gympie Road Chermside
Monthly: 1st Thursday of each month at 6:00pm—8:00pm
Contact: Lyndall Stafford Email:
Phone: 07 3624 2400
Also
Lifeline facilitates an 8-week closed
therapeutic group for the bereaved
by suicide (daytime at Chermside
and night time at Fortitude Valley).
Contact: Lyndall Stafford at above
phone number or email address.
VIC
Survivors of Suicide Inc.
515 Chilsolm St
Ballarat
Monthly: 1st Tuesday the month
at 7:00-9:00pm.
Contact: Pauline: 0438 535 799
or Kristy 0427 762 92
www.survivorsofsuicide.com.au
NSW
Lifeline Harbour To
Hawkesbury
4 Park Ave, Gordon, NSW
Monthly: 2nd Thursday of the
month at 7:00-9:00pm.
Phone: 02 9498 8805
Email: [email protected]
Lifeline MidCoast NSW
Sherwood Road Port Macquarie.
Meetings held on the 4th
Wednesday of the month.
Contact Lee-Ann 02 6581 2800
or email
lifematters@lifelinemidcoast
.org.au
If you wish to receive this newsletter via email, please email us at [email protected]
Sunshine Coast
Head High Young People
Living Beyond Suicide Support Group
Maroochy Neighbourhood
Centre Fifth Avenue, Maroochydore
Linda —5479 0394
Meetings are held last Thursday of the
month at 4:30 —6:30pm.
Caloundra Living Beyond Suicide Support Group
42 Croydon Avenue Currimundi
Jeanine and Ron —5491 7452
Meetings are held every 1st
Monday of the month at 10:00am-12 noon.
Gold Coast
Lifeline
2791 Gold Coast Road Broadbeach
Monthly: 1st Friday of the
month Time: 6:30-8:30pm
Phone: 5579 6000
Other Suicide Support Groups If you would like to add your suicide support group to this page, please email [email protected]
S O S B S A
July/August 2013 9
For everyone whose anniversary of their loved one is in March / April: On this
anniversary of your loved one’s death, may you remember the best experiences you shared, the most meaningful words that were spoken, the happiest moments you had
together and the comfort that has given you the courage to go on.
QLD Helplines Standby Brisbane 07 3250 1856
Standby Response Service 0438 150 180 (24 hour mobile crisis response to suicide bereavement.)
Sunshine and Cooloola Coasts 0407 766 961
National Helplines LifeLine: 13 11 14 (24 hour)
Mensline: 1300 789 978 (24 hour)
Suicide Callback Line: 1300 659 467 (24 hour) National Hope Line: 1300 467 354 (24 hour bereavement support)
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800 (24 hour)
SANE Helpline: 1800 18 SANE (M-F 9am-5pm)
Photo by Pia Koskelainen
In Memoriam If you would like an ‘in memoriam’, please send an anniversary record to SOSBSA, P.O. Box 334, Springwood 4127 or email to [email protected].
Loved one lost to suicide: Jo-anne Louise Jacksonnee Tung Your Name: Maree Hart Date of Birth: 28 October 1975 Date of Death: 6 July 2008
Message: To our darling Joey, we send our love. Time does not erase the pain. Amie and Josh are growing up fast. They send you hugs and kisses. Forever in our hearts. Mum, Shelly, Renae, Amie and Joshua xxxx