partnering with parents: how to talk so parents hear you malcolm smith, phd, cfle family education...
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Partnering With Parents: How to talk so parents hear you
Partnering With Parents: How to talk so parents hear you
MALCOLM SMITH, PhD, CFLEFamily Education and Family Policy SpecialistUNH Cooperative Extension
MALCOLM SMITH, PhD, CFLEFamily Education and Family Policy SpecialistUNH Cooperative Extension
WHAT IF?
• I’ve never been a parent myself?– You were raised in a “family” weren’t you?– Remember complex problems, like obesity
require “systems” approaches – you are an outside resource that has the power to connect them to resources.
• I’m younger than the parents I am talking to?– Help them understand the child’s
perspective, partner, don’t preach!
• I am struggling with the same issues myself?– Use this to your advantage!– Show them your plan, your struggle and
your hope for change– Be a great role model
How to talk about tough issues
• 1. Schedule the meeting in advance at their convenience
• 2. Let them know the topic – This should be a discussion, not a lecture
• 3. Pick a comfortable place• 4. Think about what you’ll say• 5. Thank them for coming• 6. Compliment their child 3 times• 7. Make it private• 8. Be patient and listen!• 9. Read body language• 10. Always finish with a plan
WHEN TALKING ABOUT SENSITIVE ISSUES:
• Put aside your assumptions and preconceived notions
• Put yourself in their shoes• Focus on helping the CHILD• Be open to parents ideas and suggestions• Finish your session with a positive plan and
a specific path to follow• Thank the parents for sharing their feelings
and their hopes with you
PARTNER ING WITH PARENTS
• BUILD TRUST– Make sure they know
your discussion is private
– Be culturally sensitive
– Encourage parents to talk to you and react to what you are telling them
– Be Patient: some people think faster than they can talk – silence is OK.
– Let them finish before you talk.
– Provide connections or solutions
National Extension Parent Education Model
SIX RULES OF ATTACHMENT
●1. ATTACHMENT IS THE PROCESS DURING WHICH BABY FALLS MADLY, HOPELESSLY, “HEAD OVER HEELS” IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME.....
●2. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IT HAPPENS WITH, JUST THAT IT HAPPENS. THE ATTACHMENT PROVIDER NEED ONLY RETURN THE LOVE......
●3. THE LONGER ATTACHMENT IS DELAYED IN A CHILD’S LIFE, THE MORE DIFFICULT THE PROCESS...
●4. UNATTACHED CHILDREN AND ADULTS KEEP SEARCHING, BUT OFTEN LOOK IN THE WRONG PLACES..........
●5. WITHOUT ATTACHMENT, EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IS CERTAIN.....
●6. AN UNATTACHED PERSON WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE THE WILL TO THRIVE
RULE #1 – talking With parents
• REDUCE, RATHER THAN BUILD FAMILY STRESS!– Make sure you have the facts– Don’t ever make things seem
worse than they really are– Always be solution focused! – Pay attention to how you are
being received
RULE #2
• SEE IT FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE, NOT JUST YOURS
– IF YOU DON’T KNOW, DON’T SPECULATE!
– ENCOURAGE A SECOND OPINION– DON’T MINIMIZE THE STRESS
THAT YOU MAY BE CAUSING
RULE #3
• CONNECT – “Isolation Breeds Abuse”– Many free and evidence-
based resources exist– www.extension.org– Family Resource Centers:
www.fsnh.org
RULE #4
• LEARN HOW TO REALLY LISTEN: REFRAIN FROM ALL “CLINICAL” LISTENING– Listen and speak on the
parent’s level– Empathy and
understanding– Use “I” and “we”
statements rather than “you” should or “in your case”
RULE #5
• COME DOWN OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE :– Use humor– Use storytelling and
metaphor– Draw upon your own
family experiences– Always ask, if this
were my child, or my family, how would I feel?
Rule #6
• PARENTING IS AN ART AND NOT A SCIENCE– There are many
approaches that appear to get good results
– Because every family is a unique environment, every case is unique
– Reward parents for creativity and peaceful approaches
RULE #7
• DON’T BE QUICK TO USE LABELS AND JARGON– Give HOPE– A little label can go a long way– Avoid “psychobabble”
RULE #8• BEHAVIOR RELATED PROBLEMS ARE OFTEN
ROOTED IN THE ECOLOGY OF THE CHILD– Microsystem– Mesosytem– Exosystem– Macrosystem
• AND SO ARE
SOLUTIONS!
resources
• Communicating Sensitivity With Parents:
http://www.ces.purdue.edu/providerparent
The National Extension Parent Education Model:
http://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/
Parenting For Dummies by Sandra Hardin Gookin, IDG Books
UNH COOPERATIVE EXTENSION: www.extension.unh.edu