part 1a - narcissism

8/19/2019 Part 1a - Narcissism

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http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/

No One Believes You—Psychological DamageCaused by Narcissistic ParentPosted on April 10, 201 by !inda "artine# !e$i Ph %

&here is a theme that runs through responses that ' receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s).The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scaldingcriticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members andalone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts ofbrutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When thechild lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about hisdreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness orunderstanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to getattention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victimsbecome family pariahs. !ften the suggestion is whispered that theybelong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensivepsychotherapy.'n some cases the narcissistic abuse has been so severe that the victim needs to $or* $ith an e+cellent

psychotherapist to deal $ith the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic parent. The child ofthe narcissist is doubly abused—Once throughout childhood and anotherround when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent.After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if thenarcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarilywith certain family members or cravenly sets one child against theother. Does the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he hasdone to his children. Certainly not !e does not have a conscience. 'f themarriage and the *ids don t $or* out, he/she moves on to the ne+t opportunity. hat about a younger

prettier $ife $ith $hom he can ma*e more perfect children hom does he thin* he is a god &heans$er is es &hese individuals are despicable especially $hen they disrupt and in some cases destroytheir children s lives.

Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have sufferedhorribly. hey are courageous individuals !ho never give up even !hen they feelli"e they can#t go one more step. &hey learn the lessons of survival $ell. "any of them becomehypervigalent and suffer from an$iety and depression . "any benefit from highly s*illedempathic psychotherapy and other healing modalities: gentle yoga, a form of meditation that $or*s for

http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/author/linda-martinez-lewi-ph-d/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/author/linda-martinez-lewi-ph-d/http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/


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you, ournaling, e+ercise that you en oy and spending time $ith ature.

' $ant you to *no$ that ' 3elieve ou. ' *no$ $hat you have endured. ou are courageous. oudeserve to lead the life that $as given to you originally. 4eep healing. ou are ta*ing the path lesstraveled5the one $ith fe$er travelers, the $ay that has deep meaning. 6ere you $ill find the peace thatyou have sought all of your life.

!inda "artine#-!e$i, Ph.%.

%esponses David Kelly says:April 10, 201 at 7:02 pm 8+cellent post 5 than* you 9 ra#y-ma*ing; is a tool used bynarcissistic parents to convince the child that $hat is happening is not happening or is not as

bad as they thin*. ' $as convinced that something $as $rong $ith me until ' moved a$ay frommy mother and got counseling. 8ven today 5 0 years later 5 ' am vie$ed as the cra#y one inthe family because ' called my mother on her narcissistic behavior $hile she loo*ed to peopleoutside the immediate family li*e the perfect mother $ho did her all to raise t$o boys byherself. ' still doubt myself at times because, of course, ' $as cra#y and didn t have the correct

perception of reality.


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some mothers $ho ta*e pride in their daughters, my mother seemed to feel uite the oppositeabout me. ' have al$ays struggled $ith standing out and ' suspect this has to do $ith the fact 'am the only member of my family $ith red hair. As a child, my hair $as thic*, $avy and brightfire-red in colour. ' recall $hen ' $as about 17 years of age my mother told me ' $as going tothe hairdresser. At this stage, my hair $as very long@ ' could nearly sit on it. ' had no idea $hy$e $ere going to the hairdresser and ' don t thin* ' $anted to go. 3ut ' $as a compliant childand did $hat ' $as told. ' sat in the chair and my mother $as behind me, out of my sight. "y

hair $as cut short and in the process, my hair $as carefully collected by a second hairdresser. othing hit the floor. 't has ta*en me all this time to accept my mother sold my hair.


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she/he $ill never use. &he month long silent treatments and gaslighting, yet !hile in publicappearing to be a saint. 6e is Gandhi in public and >reddy 4rueger in private.&here is an endless stream of accusations and delusional paranoia . ou may feel too embarrassed to tellanybody that you are being victimi#ed.

&his narcissistic abuse can ma*e you afraid to say anything, anything could set off another day or$ee*s of hell. +ts li"e their purpose of life to torment and find something to get offended over.

here is only one !ay and that is their !ay and she/he $ould ma*e sure that there$ould be no possibility of you having your $ay $ith threats of divorce, calling the police or leavingyou homeless.

ou may $or* 12 hours days, yet he/she $ill not help $ith house chores. ?till, you are accused of notdoing enough.

& narcissistic abuser !ill destroy your life. ?ome of your children may become narcissists and all therest $ill be messed up emotionally. & narcissist !ill leave you totally devastated $ithabsolutely no self esteem or self $orth and then laugh about it.

ou can not reason or resolve conflict $ith a narcissist. 't is li*e $al*ing barefoot around bro*en glass.ou must be very cautious and conscious of every action or $ord you say.

, here is only one !ay and that is my !ay., arcissists have no conscience nor remorse, they are sociopaths. &hey ta*e sadistic pleasure intormenting others, yet they can act innocently as if they donHt *no$ $hat they are doing.

%o not underestimate their intelligence, they $ill lie and cheat. &hey ma*e a living at getting attentionand if the attention is pleasant or not, it ma*es no difference to them. &hey need the attention in orderto feel alive.

You !ill N- -% get a sincere apology or closure of any sort . &hey $ill simply move on to the ne+t

victim $hile your $orld is left in ruins and smoldering ashes.6o$ to deal $ith a narcissistic abuser.

%o not contact them, do not loo* bac*. Get them out of your life completely. "ove a$ay if youhave to. ?ome narcissists can be dangerous if they discover your plans to disappear. %o not givethem any attention, not even angry attention. Attention $hether good or bad is $hat they thriveon. 't ma*es no difference to a narcissist. %on t believe they $ill get better. arcissists areconsidered incurable. &he 3iblical Pharaoh of 8gypt could not be cured by a prophet nor $ith10 plagues. >inally God got tired and dro$ned him and that didn t cure him either. %on t $asteyour time trying to reason $ith one. 't is a game ust to see ho$ much they can torment you.&hey don t care one bit about your happiness. ?top trying to ma*e sense of it, mental illness

does not have to ma*e sense. &hen deal $ith $hatever is $ithin you that attracts narcissists intoyour life. ou don t $ant to go through a living hell $ith another narcissist, right

arcissists hate the truth, it is utterly offensive to them li*e the sun rise to a vampire. &hey $ill ma*eyou feel li*e you are evil for daring to spea* the truth.

arcissists are e+perts at emotional torture and fe$ victims of narcissists ever fully recover even $ithserious psychotherapy. 3ut full recovery is possible and thriving is probable $ith the proper use of'nner 'nfluencing.

Personally ' believe that narcissists can be helped, but they believe they are perfect and that- that IBare the problem

http://www.new-holistic-medicine.com/paranoia.htmlhttp://www.new-holistic-medicine.com/paranoia.html


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&herapists rarely $ill see a JnarcJ in their entire careers, often they $onHt recogni#e one. arcissisticabusers tend to gravitate to$ards obs such as police, teachers, clergy or politics - obs $ith authority.

A narcissist has to $ant and crave to be normal and ' believe that 'nner 'nfluencing can do it. ' believethe only mental problem that can t be helped is the refusal to $or* on and face one s problems.

arcissists are self-loathing and suffer much more than they let on. &hey build a false personality tohide from their o$n pain, too painful to even admit. 'f you brea* through this Jfluff personalityJ it isdevastating and their behavior $ill be bi#arre and frightening.

&hey are li*e a ca*e covered $ith beautiful s$eet frosting, yet belo$ the frosting there isnothing...... ust a void. &his void is $hat terrifies them beyond $hat $e can imagine. &heir lives are aliving hell and they believe it is their right to ma*e everybody miserable, ust li*e themselves.

arcissism can be passed through the family tree, ' *no$ one family $ith 7 generations of narcissists."ost often as children they $ere abused themselves, but not al$ays.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Introduction http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious condition which affects an estimated 1% of thepopulation. Narcissism is characterized by an extreme self interest and promotion with anaccompanying lac! of concern for the needs of others.

Narcissism is named after the mythological "ree! character Narcissus# an extremelyhandsome young man who re$ected the lo e of &cho and# as punishment# was condemned tofall in lo e with his own reflection in a pool of water. 'nable to obtain he ob$ect of his desire#he died there in sorrow.

NPD Characteristics & Traits

(he following list is a collection of some of the more commonly obser ed beha iors and traitsof those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder )NPD*. Note that these are notintended to be used for diagnosis. People who suffer from NPD are all uni+ue and so eachperson will display a different subset of traits. ,lso# note that e eryone displays -narcissistic-beha iors from time to time. (herefore# if a person exhibits one or some of these traits# thatdoes not necessarily +ualify them for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. eethe D 0riteria on this page for diagnostic criteria.

0lic! on the lin!s on each trait for much more information about a particular trait or beha iorand some ideas for coping with each.

Abusive Cycle (his is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructi e andconstructi e beha ior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families.

Alienation (he act of cutting off or interfering with an indi idual s relationships with others.

"Always" and "Never" Statements -,lways- and -Ne er- tatements are declarationscontaining the words -always- or -ne er-. (hey are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresol ed angerand a heightened or exaggerated perception that they ha e been wronged# in alidated#neglected or abused.

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html#NPDCriteriahttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Alienation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AlwaysAndNeverStatements.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AngerPD.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html#NPDCriteriahttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Alienation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AlwaysAndNeverStatements.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AngerPD.html


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aitin! , pro ocati e act used to solicit an angry# aggressi e or emotional response fromanother indi idual.

lamin! (he practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem#rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

ullyin! ,ny systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relati e physical#social# economic or emotional strength.

Cheatin! haring a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are alreadycommitted to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Denial 2elie ing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance# e ent or memorydoes not exist or did not happen.

Dissociation Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure fromreality.

Domestic The t 0onsuming or ta!ing control of a resource or asset belonging to )or sharedwith* a family member# partner or spouse without first obtaining their appro al.

#motional lac$mail , system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to controlsomeone3s beha iors.

Sense o #ntitlement ,n unrealistic# unmerited or inappropriate expectation of fa orableli ing conditions and fa orable treatment at the hands of others.

%alse Accusations Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towardssomeone else.

%avoritism 4a oritism is the practice of systematically gi ing positi e# preferential treatmentto one child# subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

%rivolous iti!ation (he use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt# harass or gain aneconomic ad antage o er an indi idual or organization.

'asli!htin! (he practice of brainwashing or con incing a mentally healthy indi idual thatthey are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mista!en or false. (he term5"aslighting6 is based on the 1788 " mo ie 5 "aslight 6.

'roomin! "rooming is the predatory act of maneu ering another indi idual into a positionthat ma!es them more isolated# dependent# li!ely to trust# and more ulnerable to abusi ebeha ior.

arassment ,ny sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome beha ior by one indi idualtowards another.

oovers & ooverin! , 9oo er is a metaphor ta!en from the popular brand of acuumcleaners# to describe how an abuse ictim trying to assert their own rights by lea ing orlimiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship# gets 5suc!ed bac! in6 when the perpetratortemporarily exhibits impro ed or desirable beha ior.

Im ulsiveness (he tendency to act or spea! based on current feelings rather than logicalreasoning.

Im osed Isolation hen abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their supportnetwor!# including friends and family.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Baiting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Blaming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Bullying.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Cheating.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DenialPD.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Dissociation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DomesticTheft.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalBlackmail.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Entitlement.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FalseAccusations.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Favoritism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FrivolousLitigation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/Gaslight.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Grooming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Harassment.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Impulsiveness.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Isolation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Baiting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Blaming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Bullying.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Cheating.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DenialPD.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Dissociation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DomesticTheft.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalBlackmail.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Entitlement.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FalseAccusations.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Favoritism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FrivolousLitigation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/Gaslight.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Grooming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Harassment.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Impulsiveness.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Isolation.html


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Intimidation ,ny form of eiled# hidden# indirect or non erbal threat.

Invalidation (he creation or promotion of an en ironment which encourages an indi idual tobelie e that their thoughts# beliefs# alues or physical presence are inferior# flawed#problematic or worthless.

ac$ o Conscience ;ndi iduals who suffer from Personality Disorders are oftenpreoccupied with their own agendas# sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns

of others. (his is sometimes interpreted by others as a lac! of moral conscience.ac$ o *b+ect Constancy ,n inability to remember that people or ob$ects are consistent#

trustworthy and reliable# especially when they are out of your immediate field of ision.

,a!ical Thin$in!


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Shamin! (he difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells youthat you did something bad# in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Stal$in! ,ny per asi e and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another indi idual.

Testin! =epeatedly forcing another indi idual to demonstrate or pro e their lo e orcommitment to a relationship.

Thou!ht Policin! , process of interrogation or attempt to control another indi idual sthoughts or feelings.

Threats ;nappropriate# intentional warnings of destructi e actions or conse+uences.

Trian!ulation "aining an ad antage o er percei ed ri als by manipulating them intoconflicts with each other.

Tunnel 3ision , tendency to focus on a single concern# while neglecting or ignoring otherimportant priorities.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (he D 0riteriaNarcissistic Personality Disorder )NPD* is listed in the ,merican Psychiatric ,ssociation3sDiagnostic > tatistical anual )D * as an ,xis ;;# luster 3 )dramatic# emotional# or erratic*Disorder:

, per asi e pattern of grandiosity )in fantasy or beha ior*# need for admiration# and lac! ofempathy# beginning by early adulthood and present in a ariety of contexts# as indicated byfi e )or more* of the following:

1.has a grandiose sense of self importance )e.g.# exaggerates achie ements andtalents# expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achie ements*

2.is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success# power# brilliance# beauty# or ideallo e

.belie es that he or she is -special- and uni+ue and can only be understood by# orshould associate with# other special or high status people )or institutions*

7.re+uires excessi e admiration

D.has a sense of entitlement# i.e.# unreasonable expectations of especially fa orabletreatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

F.is interpersonally exploitati e# i.e.# ta!es ad antage of others to achie e his or her

own ends=.lac!s empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs ofothers

E.is often en ious of others or belie es that others are en ious of him or her

K.shows arrogant# haughty beha iors or attitudes

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Shaming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Stalking.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Testing.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ThoughtPolicing.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Threats.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Triangulation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/TunnelVision.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/PD.html#ClusterBhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Shaming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Stalking.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Testing.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ThoughtPolicing.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Threats.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Triangulation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/TunnelVision.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/PD.html#ClusterB


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/hat it eels li$e to live with someone with NPD 0ontributed by ,ames


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Narcissists are opportunistic. (hey can ma!e a show of being -generous- but theirgenerosity usually has strings attached.

(hey tend to isolate their ictims# suc!ing up their time and energy# many timesrobbing their own families# spouses and partners of an external support system.

Narcissists are excellent liars and many prefer to lie e en when telling the truthwould be more beneficial to themA which suggests that lying is a hallmar! of thispathology.

(hey are often highly competiti e and argumentati e. (hey lash out whenpresented with opinions that contradict their own or when confronted with their ownlies or bad beha iors.

(hey can be calculating and extremely persuasi e and susceptible to erraticthin!ing and impulsi e decision ma!ing .

Narcissists can be self destructi e as often as they are destructi e to others. (heyha e a great deal of trouble accepting responsibility for their own actions# underany circumstance.

Narcissists are addicti e personalities and narcissism is commonly co morbid withaddictions to drugs# alcohol# sex# food# spending and gambling. ;t has beensuggested that Narcissists ha e a higher rate of ,D9D than the generalpopulation.

Narcissists are rarely alone. (hey li!e to feed on the energy of others# and to ha e

an audience to reflect bac! to them the person they want to see themsel es as.

Narcissists are good at pretending# but typically do not feel compassion or empathyor consider the feelings or well being of others. (hey tend to be singularly focusedon getting their own needs met# at the expense of the needs of others.

hile narcissists generally portray a lac! of conscience# they typically ha e anintellectual awareness of what they are doing and how they hurt others. (heysimply do not care.

2eing !ind to a Narcissist in the face of their maltreatment is a common approachof family members and partners. 9owe er# this can result in further frustration as itis rarely reciprocated and tends to feed their sense of entitlement# opening the door for more abuse.

9ere are some other feelings that you may experience when dealing with a narcissist in thehome or at wor!:

• ?ou may feel li!e this person readily puts you down $ust to ele ate themsel es.• ?ou may find yourself a oiding them because trying to communicate with them lea es


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you feeling confused# put down# reduced to a lesser status and emptied of all that you!now you really are.• ?ou may feel o erwhelmed# -out gunned-# tongue tied or o erpowered in the presenceof this person.• ?ou may feel blown away by their powerful personality# self assuredness# self beliefand self confidence.• ?our own legitimate needs may be ta!ing a bac! seat to their own fri olous# selfser ing ambitions.• hen recei ing a compliment or apology# you may be left feeling patronized#demeaned# brought down to size and e en humiliated.• ?ou may attempt to compromise with them only to realize later that you are the onlyone who ga e any substantial ground.• ?ou may feel li!e your hard wor! and contributions are only being used# abused andand distorted to meet the selfish ambitions of another.


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relationship is sometimes used to illustrate the relationship between personality disorderedand non personality disordered people.

'asli!ht "aslight is a 1788 " suspense thriller set in 17th 0entury


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Per ectionism (he maladapti e practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic#unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization# order# or accomplishment in oneparticular area of li ing# while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization# order or accomplishment in other areas of li ing.

Pro+ection (he act of attributing one s own feelings or traits to another person andimagining or belie ing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Push.Pull , chronic pattern of sabotaging and re establishing closeness in a relationshipwithout appropriate cause or reason.

1a!in!2 3iolence and Im ulsive A!!ression &xplosi e erbal# physical or emotionalele ations of a dispute. =ages threaten the security or safety of another indi idual and iolatetheir personal boundaries.

Sca e!oatin! ingling out one child# employee or member of a group of peers forunmerited negati e treatment or blame.


The 1ole o 1eli!ion In Child Abuseost popular religions extol the irtues of being obedient and loyal to parents.

“ 9onor thy father and thy mother:that thy days may be long upon the land which the


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2y emphasizing the sanctity of marriage and traditional family roles# many religionsdiscourage spouses of abusers many of whom are ictims themsel es from ta!ing action toremo e their children.

/hat a ens /hen the Children 'row @ 7hat is surprising to many is that child abuse often extends long into adulthood although it

often ta!es a more emotional#psychological or subtle form as children become physicallystronger and more economically independent.

,dult children of abusi e parents often feel trapped between maintaining an unhealthyrelationship with an aging# yet disrespectful# stal!ing# slandering# harassing parent and being

$udged by extended family# friends and ac+uaintances if they choose to cut off all contact withthe abusi e parent.

,dult children of abusi e parents are at increased ris! of ma!ing poor personal# relationshipand career choices in adulthood.

,busi e parents sometimes see things li!e relationships# career and outside interests of theiryoung adult children as threats and may see! to undermine them.

,dult sur i ors of child abuse ultimately suffer in three distinct ways:

1. (hey suffer the abuse itself

C. (hey suffer the loss of !nowing what should ha e been the loss of a supporti eparent# of a lo ing home and a safe refuge.

G. (hey suffer the conse+uences of protecting themsel es from that abuse. (hey areoften left feeling guilty# $udged# condemned by society# religion# their communities andtheir families.

Physical Abuse http://outofthefog.net/ ommon3ehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.html De inition5

Physical Abuse ,ny form of oluntary beha ior by one indi idual which inflicts pain# diseaseor discomfort on another# or depri es them of necessary health# nutrition and comfort.

Descri tion5

any people who are ictims of erbal abuse li e in homes or en ironments where they ha ebecome so accustomed to the abuse that they consider it normal and do not consider

themsel es to be ictims of abuse.#0am les o Physical Abuse5

unny oilin! 2unny 2oiling is a reference to an iconic scene in the mo ie -4atal ,ttraction- in which the main character ,lex# who suffers from 2orderline Personality Disorder#!ills the family s pet rabbit and boils it on the sto e. 2unny 2oiling has become a popularreference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by beha ing destructi ely towardssymbolic# important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish tohurt# control or intimidate.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/FatalAttraction.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/FatalAttraction.html


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Child Abduction 0hild ,bduction is a serious# yet common occurrence when people whosuffer from personality disorders become in ol ed in a custody dispute. ,pproximately EC% of more than C # child abductions e ery year are perpetrated by family members.

Cruelty to Animals ,cts of 0ruelty to ,nimals ha e been statistically disco ered to occurmore often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Domestic The t 0onsuming or ta!ing control of a resource or asset belonging to )or shared

with* a family member# partner or spouse without first obtaining their appro al.%avoritism 4a oritism is the practice of systematically gi ing positi e# preferential treatmentto one child# subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

%rivolous iti!ation (he use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt# harass or gain aneconomic ad antage o er an indi idual or organization.

Im osed Isolation hen abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their supportnetwor!# including friends and family.

,unchausen4s and ,unchausen by Pro0y Syndrome , disorder in which an indi idualrepeatedly fa!es or exaggerates medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions ofmedical professionals or caregi ers.


Sabota!e (he spontaneous disruption of calm or status +uo in order to ser e a personalinterest# pro o!e a conflict or draw attention.

Slee De rivation (he practice of routinely interrupting# impeding or restricting anotherperson s sleep cycle.

Stal$in! ,ny per asi e and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another indi idual.Threats ;nappropriate# intentional warnings of destructi e actions or conse+uences.

/hat it eels li$e5 ,buse can ha e a confusing# hurtful and frightening effect which ma!es you feel isolated andemotionally unsafe.

?ou may begin to doubt yourself# your senses# your opinions# memories# beliefs# feelings#

abilities and $udgment. ?ou may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and findyourself doubting your sense of reality.

,buse ictims often become isolated from others# fearing that others might blame them forpro o!ing# mishandling or failing to fix the situation.

,buse ictims sometimes thin! that their situation is uni+ue or rare and that others would notunderstand.

,buse ictims often belie e that their situation doesn t +ualify as abuse because it onlyhappens occasionally and there are no horrific isible scars.

http://outofthefog.net/SeparatingAndDivorcing/ChildAbduction.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/CrueltyToAnimals.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DomesticTheft.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Favoritism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FrivolousLitigation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Isolation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Munchausens.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Sabotage.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SleepDeprivation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Stalking.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Threats.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/SeparatingAndDivorcing/ChildAbduction.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/CrueltyToAnimals.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/DomesticTheft.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Favoritism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FrivolousLitigation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Isolation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Munchausens.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Sabotage.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SleepDeprivation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Stalking.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Threats.html


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,buse ictims often !eep silent about their situation for fear that their abuser will find out andget angry.

,buse ictims are often told by their abuser that they are to blame for pro o!ing or notunderstanding the abusers needs.

?ou are li!ely to feel ulnerable# insecure# increasingly trapped and powerless. (his may lead

you to become defensi e and increasingly depressed. ,buse ictims often find themsel es -wal!ing on eggshells- around the abuser# hyper igilantand afraid of when and how to say something.

?ou may find yourself constantly on your -best- beha ior around an abuser# unable to relax oren$oy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. & en when the abuser is ina good mood# you are li!ely to !eep waiting for -the other shoe to drop-.

?ou may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood# beha iors or actions and hopethings will change# especially through your own lo e and understanding.

People who are abused often long for the nicer# caring side of their partner# family member#

friend# boss or co wor!er to come bac!. ?ou may find yourself ma!ing excuses for their badbeha ior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them bac! into their good beha ior state.

/hy abuse victims don4t leave5 Co in! with Abuse5;f you are abused# get to choose between C bad choices:

1. taying through an episode of abuse.

C.


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are confronted with abuse. ;f you ha e a friend or family member you can pre arrange with toshow up at a moment s notice whene er necessary that will ma!e it easier.

;f not# maybe you can find a local low cost hotel where you can show up at a moment s noticeand get a safe room for the night.

Perhaps you want to ha e a ready !it which has your credit cards# essential medications#important documents already pac!ed so you don t need to linger when you need to get out in

a hurry.;f at all possible# pre arrange with a friend whom you can call )e en during the night* $ust total! to if you find yourself in a situation li!e this. Fust ha ing someone on the end of the linewho won t attac! or $udge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. ;f you ha epre arranged earlier you won t feel so stupid calling them or showing up at the door at C in themorning so tal! to them now.

/hat N*T to Do5• Don t remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. =emo e yourselffrom the situation as +uic!ly as you safely can.• Don t try to handle it all on your own. 0all for supporti e help and call the police if anythreats or iolence occur.• Don t try to reason with someone who is abusing you. hen you are confronted withaggressi e beha ior there can be a temptation to stand your ground# explain yourposition and argue for what you feel is right. , person who is trying to hurt you is notthin!ing rationally and is unli!ely to see reason at that time.• Don t fight fire with fire and reciprocate. ?ou will regret it and probably find yourself stillapologizing for it years later.•

Don t ignore it# steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it doesnot affect you. 'nless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and yourbeha ior is going to change far beyond the moment# whether you admit it or not. (hereality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. ;gnoring itincreases the li!elihood that the situation will repeat itself.• Don t hide it from others. ost long term cases of abuse stay that way because the

ictim stays silent.


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1a!in!2 3iolence and Im ulsive A!!ressionDe inition )http://outofthefog.net/0ommon2eha iors/=aging.html *


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abusing you. taying during a rage is pure hell.

I you leave . you will !eep more of you dignity but you need to ha e real ner e as you wal!out the door. ?ou !now you3re going to hear something awful on the way out maybe you willbe called the most horrible names# maybe you will hear the smash of glass or the sound of aslanderous 711 call being placed. ,nd once you3re out where will you goK ?ou may be allalone with nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit and fret about what will happen when you

return.


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• Don3t try to reason with someone who is raging. hen you are confronted withaggressi e beha ior there can be a temptation to stand your ground# explain yourposition and argue for what you feel is right. , person who is raging is not thin!ingrationally and is unli!ely to see reason.• Don3t fight fire with fire and reciprocate the aggressi e beha ior. ?ou will regret it andstill be apologizing for it years later if you do.

• Don3t ignore it# steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it doesnot affect you. 'nless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and yourbeha ior is going to change far beyond the moment of rage# whether you admit it ornot. (he reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt.;gnoring it greatly increases the li!elihood that the situation will repeat itself.• Don3t hide it from others. ost long term cases of abuse stay that way because the

ictim stays silent.

http://outofthefog.net/=elationships/Parental0hild,buse.html

Parents /ho urt Their ChildrenParents !now what s best for their !ids rightK

;t s an idea that s reinforced in our literature# mo ies# boo!s# our laws# our religion. other and4ather !now best. (here is no lo e greater than that of a parent for their child. @urgo ernments# schools# churches# courts bend o er bac!wards to protect and support therights of biological parents. Parents are gi en authority to educate their children# diagnosetheir illnesses# control their acti ities# choose their friendships# dictate their li ing conditions#e en select their religion.

Parenthood isn t easy and many parents do an excellent $ob of what is a ery challengingassignment...

2ut not all.

uali ications or becomin! a Parent

;n the ' # there are laws to protect all sorts of indi iduals from rec!less beha ior of others.4or example# you must pass an exam before you may:

• Dri e a car#• 4ly a plane• @perate a crane• =un a restaurant• &ducate school children• 2ecome a social wor!er or any !ind of therapist• Diagnose an ailment or prescribe# dispense or administer any !ind of medicine or

medical treatment

http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/ParentalChildAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Relationships/ParentalChildAbuse.html


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2ut there is no +ualification for becoming a parent other than being biologically fertile. Nor isthere any re iew of your performance except in the most se ere cases of physical iolenceand neglect.

hen it comes to your treatment of strangers you may be prosecuted for:• hitting• slandering• harassing• stal!ing• in ading their pri acy• confiscating their property

hen it comes to treatment of minors# parents are held almost completely unaccountable.inor children of abusi e parents are completely trapped in their en ironment dependent

totally on an o erwhelmed legal system to ta!e action after the abuse has been witnessedand reported by a neighbor# teacher# doctor or social wor!er. any cases go unreported.

9ow 0ommon is 0hild ,buseK ;n the ' # an estimated 7 G# children )1.C% of allchildren* were ictims of abuse and neglect in C 1. 17% of reported and substantiated childabuse cases result in the child being remo ed from the home.

/orm of &buse PercentageNeglect )including medicalneglect* MB.C%

Physical ,buse 1E.J%

exual ,buse 7.J%@ther altreatment CJ.J%ource: B? %epartment of 6ealth and 6uman ?ervices hild "altreatment ,las!a Nati e C. % ,sian Pacific ;slander 1.G%

ource: B? %epartment of 6ealth and 6uman ?ervices hild "altreatment


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ource: 33 e$s Article, Ictober 1=, 2011 JAmericaHs child death shameJ

Child Ne!lect0hildren are the most ulnerable to neglect# and child neglect is by far the most common formof child abuse recorded in the ' # accounting for B1% of reported cases in C E:

ource: B? %epartment of 6ealth and 6uman ?ervices hild "altreatment :?< o child abuse is committed by both the mother and the ather • J.8% of child abuse is committed by the mother and some other indi idual• 1. % of child abuse is committed by the father and some other indi idual• 11.7% is committed by someone other than the parents• G.1% is committed by an un!nown or missing perpetrator.



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5"aslighting6 is based on the 1788 " mo ie 5 "aslight 6.

In antili-ation (reating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

,ood Swin!s 'npredictable# rapid# dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readilyexplained by changes in external circumstances.


*b+ecti ication (he practice of treating a person or a group of people li!e an ob$ect.

Parental Alienation Syndrome hen a separated parent con inces their child that the other parent is bad# e il or worthless.

Parenti ication , form of role re ersal# in which a child is inappropriately gi en the role ofmeeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family3s other children.

Per ectionism (he maladapti e practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic#unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization# order# or accomplishment in one

particular area of li ing# while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization# order or accomplishment in other areas of li ing.

Pro+ection (he act of attributing one s own feelings or traits to another person and imaginingor belie ing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.



Sca e!oatin! ingling out one child# employee or member of a group of peers for unmeritednegati e treatment or blame.


%athers /ho urt Their Children http://outofthefog.net/


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8motional / Psychological Lerbal Physical ?e+ual eglect / Absenteeism

, child3s relationship )or lac! of same* with his/her father is $ust as ital to its de elopment asthe mother child relationship.

'ender 1oles 4or girls: the father daughter relationship has an astounding influence onhow girls feel about themsel es as womenA on their choice of romantic partners# and e en onhow they tolerate / handle abuse in the wor! place. ,s adults# daughters of abusi e fathers

may be more susceptible to alcoholism or drug abuse# eating disorders# sexual promiscuityand domestic iolence.

4or boys: the father son relationship plays a ital role in how# as men# boys grow up to treattheir own romantic partners# wor!mates# employees and of course# their own children. ,sadults# sons of abusi e fathers may be more susceptible to alcoholism or drug abuse# criminalacti ities# thrill see!ing and iolent beha ior.

(hese obser ations# along gender lines# ha e been applied in a ery broad# traditional sense.Daughters can certainly grow up to adopt the abusi e traits modeled by their abusi e parentA

ons may become passi e in adulthood# de eloping co dependence and becoming chronic5rescuers.6

2eing abused as a child cripples self worth and may result in lowered expectations of yourself and how you allow others to treat you. (his can ma!e the sur i or of childhood abuse an easymar! for e en more abuse as an adult.

,ntagonistic or abusi e men )and women* prefer passi e partners who are malleable andwhom they can easily manipulate# e en dominate. (he adult sur i or may unconsciously )andrepeatedly* see! out partners who share those same destructi e +ualities with 5Daddy6Apartners they are always trying to please# who may physically or emotionally abuse them#sexually or financially exploit them# and whom they can ne er really trust.

,dult sur i ors may de elop a thic! s!in which allows them to Oendure3 the abuse heaped onthem by their partners# relati es# employers# co wor!ers and others. (hey may also becomeco dependent as a coping mechanism# often assuming the role of enabler# in a misguidedattempt to 5fix6 or 5rescue6 the other person or the relationship. (he moti ation behind thisbeha ior is 5;f ; can $ust ma!e happy# then ; can finally be happy# too.6

;n some instances# the abused child grows up to manifest the same )or similar* abusi e traitsmodeled for them by their fathers. (hey ne er learn empathy for others and instead# try tocontrol e ery circumstance of their li es by controlling e eryone and e erything around them.(hese sur i ors ma!e for poor partners# parents# friends# bosses and co wor!ers.

9ow you feel about yourself )and relate to others* as an adult# grows directly out of how you

were treated )or mistreated* by the adults who cared for you in childhood.#0am les o Paternal Child Abuse

Did your 4ather:• Discount your thou!hts2 o inions and contributions7• Perceive his $ife/children as his personal property 2 to command as he wished7• Disrespect amily members• ithhold affection 7

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/VerbalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SexualObjectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Neglect.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Invalidation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Objectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Intimidation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PassiveAggressiveBehavior.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/VerbalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SexualObjectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Neglect.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Invalidation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Objectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Intimidation.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PassiveAggressiveBehavior.html


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• Treat your mother as less than an eBual artner7• &void artici ation in amily school unctions7• @sually ut wor$ and his o$n interests ahead of those of the family 7• ,a$e romises2 only to routinely disappoint 7• /as he aggressive or abusive toward amily members7• Need to be right / in control at all times 7•


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Percentages of ictims are similar for males and females )8E. % and M1.M% respecti ely*.

0hildren in the age group of birth to G years account for CB.B% of ictims. Iictimizationpercentages decline as age increases.

;n the ' # more than half of all child abuse ictims are hite )M .C%*A one +uarter )CM. %*are ,frican ,mericanA and one sixth )18.M%* are 9ispanic. ,merican ;ndians and ,las!aNati es account for C% of ictims# and ,sian Pacific ;slanders accounted for 1.G% of ictims.

17% of reported and substantiated child abuse cases result in the child being remo ed fromthe home.



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hat is e+ually surprising is that child abuse often extends long into adulthood. Adultchildren of abusive parents often feel trapped between maintaining an unhealthyrelationship with an aging, yet disrespectful, stalking, slandering, harassing parentand being judged by extended family, friends and acquaintances if they choose tocut off all contact with the abusive parent.

“ 9onor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the


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adoring and even en oy seeing his or her partner happy

6o$ can this same person then act out, devalue, discard and use malicious emotional abuse at othertimes 5 in amongst being so $onderful

' used to be tormented in my narcissistic relationship $ith this enormous dichotomy. ' certainly canrelate to ho$ mind-bending it $as.

&o add to the confusion, some narcissistic information sources state that narcissists cannot bear being

loving, or being told by someone they are loved, don t say loving $ords, and certainly do not engage inloving behaviour past the initial honeymoon period.

%o not ta*e this as gospel.

&here are also reports of suspected narcissists $ho have been able to retain relationships $ith e+es thatdon t act as if they have been narcissistically abused. Bnderstandably ne$ partners may perceive thatthis person surely isn’t a narcissist if that is the case.

>or those of you $ho are seriously confused about $hether or not your partner is in fact narcissistic, because he or she can be so $onderful, ' sincerely hope this article $ill help you clear up yourconfusion.

he &ltruistic Narcissist"any of you *no$ that ?am La*nin is a very good source of deeply understanding the $or*ings of anarcissist s mind, and has $ritten copious amounts of information regarding narcissism.

According to %r. La*nin, “ Some narcissists are ostentatiously generous – they donate to charity,lavish gifts on their closest, abundantly provide for their nearest and dearest, and, in general, areopen-handed and unstintingly benevolent . How can this be reconciled with the pronounced lack ofempathy and with the pernicious self preoccupation that is so typical of narcissists!

"he act of giving enhances the narcissist’s sense of omnipotence, his fantastic grandiosity, and thecontempt he holds for others. #t is easy to feel superior to the supplicating recipients of one’s largesse.

$arcissistic altruism is about e%erting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in thebeneficiaries.

&ut narcissists give for other reasons as well.

"he narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as a bait. He impresses others with his selflessness andkindness and thus lures them into his lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into

subservient compliance and obse'uious collaboration. (eople are attracted to the narcissist’s largerthan life posture ) only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. *+ive a little totake a lot’ ) is the narcissist’s creed.

?am also discusses ho$ altruistic narcissists also use their giving of time, affection, possessions,money and energy as $eapons. &o declare the imbalance of their relationships, ho$ unfairly they have

been treated and the grandstanding of 9!oo* at $hat ' put in, and you don t.;

&hese are the narcissists $ho scream out 9' $ant to be treated li*e an e ual ;

'n the case of e+ partners being assisted, able to call up favours and be supported in some $ayemotionally or financially by the narcissist, this ensures on-going and readily accessible narcissisticsupply. &he narcissist is also very adept at convincing e+-partners ho$ much he or she has changedno$ since their relationship ended, and attracting potential relationship attention from these peopleagain.

As a result these e+-partners provide a source of approval and adoration and se+ $hen re uired, or


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$hen the narcissist s 9committed; relationship is not sufficiently feeding his or her >alse ?elf. &henarcissist $ill also use these sources to smear his current partner to in order to receive sympathy as aform of additional narcissistic supply.

Narcissists %e5uire Mirroringhen $e e+amine the narcissistic model there are several things $e can benefit from understanding.

>irstly the narcissist is a no self. hat that means is that a narcissist needs mirroring. 6e or she needsenergy from the outside, from someone else, to confirm that he or she e+ists.

&his means the narcissist is very capable of putting him or herself last and putting everyone else first inorder to receive attention, praise, approval and $orthiness.

>or the altruistic narcissist it s e+hausting to have to be the 9great person; and see* out othersconstantly in order to gain such approval, and try to suppress the damaged &rue ?elf that e+ists underthe mas* of the >alse ?elf. 6o$ever, the altruistic narcissist $ill relentlessly persist.

't s also important to understand that the narcissist $ill perform such acts *no$ing that he or she feels false, and is constructing these acts of generosity $ith agendas connected to them. &he narcissist isvery capable of feigning concern, empathy, compassion, love, support and tenderness. &hese agendas

are all centred around receiving the supply that the >alse ?elf re uires to maintain the image of being9lovable, $orthy and special.;

&o try to gain the inner 9fullness; that the narcissist is incapable of creating or maintaining for him orherself. aturally these hits of supply $ear off, and need to be pursued again, again and again.

't s important to *no$ that you cannot believe in anyone $ho displays severe narcissistic behaviour($hich ' $ill describe later in this article) as you $ould a non-narcissistic person 5 $hen this personloo*s you in the eyes and declares (as if from the bottom of their soul) ho$ much he or she loves you.

A narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology of declaring undying love and commitment to hislove partner, and simultaneously being able to declare identical scripts to other individuals in order tosecure se+, attention or significance. &he $ords themselves are meaningless@ it s the results $hich areimportant to the narcissist.

Narcissistic -ntitlement&he ne+t important point to understand is regarding the narcissist s sense of entitlement. 6is or hersense of entitlement is generated from the >alse ?elf. &he >alse ?elf demands obedience $ithout

uestion. 't needs to be uni ue, adored and agreed $ith. hen an intimate other does not follo$ theconstructed script of $hat the >alse ?elf re uires to be maintained, then the narcissist can change from9the adoring soul mate; into the 9ruthless persecutor; on a dime.

o$ comes the inevitable bout of 9' love you I&.;

&he defence mechanisms of the narcissist s personality, as $ell as his or her neurological brain-$iring,are firmly set to defend the image of the >alse ?elf fiercely and ealously. Any threat to the constructed>alse ?elf is dealt $ith harshly, vengefully and vindictively.

&he incredibly heart-brea*ing and frustrating part of it for intimate partners is that the narcissist has note+pressed $hat his or her internal pain is about before the eruption occurs. &he love partner iscompletely blind-sided.

&he truth of the matter is the narcissist has neither the emotional resources nor the desire for intimacy(the narcissist inherently believes 9'f you really see in to me you $ill see ho$ defective, unlovable andun$orthy ' really am;), trust or connection to supply his or her partner $ith honest or vulnerable


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(real) emotional information.

or does the narcissist have the emotional intelligence to ta*e any responsibility for his or her atrociousreactions. arcissists are never accountable .

't s actually not personal 5 the narcissist simply cannot fathom beyond 9 ou must pay for not agreeing$ith my >alse ?elf.;'n fact thenarcissist is fi+ated on punishing you for 96o$ dare you do this ;

Bntil a$are, the abused love partner perceives the follo$ing: one minute there is a person 9loving; me

li*e no other 5 and then at a moment s notice this same person has turned on me, loo*s at me andspea*s to me $ith pure contempt and is using $hatever tool he or she has to maim me the most.

&his attac* may occur as a result of the slightest criti ue, comment or glance (often unintended) 5 ornot enough 9approval; being granted in a particular moment, $hereby the narcissist flies into thevengeful rage of defending his or her >alse ?elf.

"aybe the 9trigger; $as 9harbouring.; &he narcissist e+periences inner pain bubbling about somethingyou did in the past (that you believed $as previously resolved 5 other$ise ho$ could this person be sohappy and in love $ith you ) $hich the narcissist assigns (again) as the reasons for his or her originalinner unresolved and unhealed $ounds (rather than dealing $ith them).

&his is especially li*ely after a period of time $hen things have been going well.

'f your greatest fear is abandonment, the narcissist may threaten to brea* off or $ill end therelationship. 'f the $ithholding of affection hurts you the most, the narcissist $ill ice you out for days.6e or she intimately *no$s and uses the $eapon $hich $ill punish you the most for not obeying thenarcissist s one true master 5 his or her >alse ?elf.

'f you as* for accountability, try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you $ill be accused ofeverything the narcissist is doing (and more), gas lighted and punished $ith lies and third party allies,and then smeared to anyone $ho $ill listen to the narcissist.

&he narcissist $ill hit bac* harder M.

&he $al*ing on bro*en glass has begun as you tip-toe around these horrendous episodes, and you are

supposed to co$er into the submission of serving the bottomless, unrealistic and unhealthye+pectations of the narcissist s >alse ?elf 5 $hich above all else means never to uestion, criti ue orthreaten his or her self-constructed mirage of 9perfection; or 9specialness; in any $ay.

he 6arning 0ignsIf course there are genuinely *ind, giving, caring and $onderful people in the $orld.

&hese people do I& act out narcissistic rage, malicious vengeful acts, shifting from 9adore; to9abhor; on a dime, pathologically lie, smear or punish.

3e L8< clear, if your $onderful, giving narcissist 5 the partner $ho declares (and even acts as if) you

are 9the love of his / her life,; he or she $ould 9ta*e a bullet for you,; 9drop everything for you,; andal$ays 9be there for you; 5 acts in these severely narcissistic $ays M the 9giving; $as never aboutIB 5 it has al$ays been about supplying and preserving the narcissist s >alse ?elf.

Also be very a$are, the other connections this person has to people he or she 9cares about; (especiallye+-partners or ac uaintances this person 9helps;) are not only feeding the narcissist s >alse ?elf, butcould very $ell be compromising the emotional and se+ual fidelity of your relationship.

aturally it could be very easy to fall for a potential partner $ho portrays ho$ generous, altruistic andcaring they are. ot only to the people they care about, but possibly also the 9$orld; in general.

&herefore: Be!are of these $arning signs to avoid getting involved $ith an altruistic narcissist:

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/


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1) Anyone $ho professes ho$ important romance is, ho$ they have an incredible amount to give inlove, and ho$ they $ant a partner $ho can love them as much as they can love. 8specially if this

person $orships the concept of 9uni ue and idealised love.;

2) An e+-partner appearing on the scene, especially if this e+-partner frea*s out about the narcissisthaving you as a ne$ partner and starts declaring that a relationship still e+ists, he or she is still havingse+ual contact etc. %o I& ust accept your ne$ partner s e+cuses to discredit this information.Bsually $here there is smo*e there is fire. Altruistic narcissists need attention, adoration and usually

se+. &hey cannot bear being alone. Another emotional / se+ual hoo*up in the $ings is very li*ely.) &he self-promotion of being generous, giving and caring. Generous, giving and caring people -ust

are. &hey certainly do not have to grandstand it and sell it as: 9&his is the $onderful partner that ' amand could be for you.;

7) An abusive and/or unavailable relationship $ith his or her parents. 8specially if the abuse $as present bet$een the age of 0 5 F.

D) Any e+pression such as 9' $ant to o$n you heart; (or your soul). &his is not a declaration of healthylove@ it is one of narcissistic possession, entitlement and control.

"ale altruistic narcissists act as if they are supporters and carers of the $omen. &hey appear to revere,

protect and promote $omen. !i*e all male narcissists they are actually misogynists, demanding themirroring of love, approval and $orthiness from $omen that they didn t receive from their mothers,and $ill see* revenge on these $omen (their mother) $hen the >alse ?elf s e+pectations are inevitablyunmet.

At the very least, $omen $ill be dismissed as 9not good enough; to meet the insatiable needs of the>alse ?elf.

&herefore also be$are of meeting any man $ho states all the reasons $hy his previous partners 9$erenot good enough for him.; o matter ho$ $onderful and 9different; he professes you are no$, you$ill be ne+t in line to fall short of the grandiose demands of his >alse ?elf. 3e prepared sooner or laterto be significantly discredited by him.

Altruistic narcissists are very capable of creating multiple se+ual partners, and telling $omen $hateverthey need to hear to believe they are e+clusive partners and that the narcissist is practicing fidelity.

As ?am La*nin states: 9 arcissist *no$ they are amoral. &hey recognise this. &he truth is they don tcare.;

Your 7ealing&he information ' have given you in this article is to help you get L8< clear if you are dealing $iththe horrific confusion of 9"aybe this person is not a narcissist, because of his or her $onderfulattributes.;

$ow you can understand 5if this person is acting out narcissistically, you can logically close the gap onthis discrepancy and realise $hy the narcissist is also capable of acting 9so $onderfully.;

3e very clear this is I& love. !ove does not behave li*e this. !ove is not pathological lying, ta*ingumbrage at a 9slight; at a moment s notice, having the capacity to maliciously maim in order to punishyou, e+hibiting #ero ability to ta*e responsibility for atrocious acts, and it certainly is not the ability tocreate horrific smear campaigns based on fabricated evidence and pro ections regarding $hat thenarcissist does him or herself.

Inly severely personality disordered individuals have the capacity to behave li*e this. luster 3defunctions epitomise this behaviour and the nasty vengeful 9pay-bac*; tactics are decidedly


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narcissistic.

ou $ere not a $orshipped and adored love partner. ou $ere merely being groomed (often brutally)to serve the narcissist s >alse ?elf ($hich is $hat the narcissist s entire life e+istence is about).

!ove doesn t even come in to it. ou $ill not lose out on love by brea*ing free from this person. ou$ill instead align $ith the ability to heal and create love for real.

And you certainly can establish real self-love, and *no$ that you $ould never tolerate behaviour li*e

this again.If course recovery is simply not as easy as ust knowing this.

' *no$ from personal e+perience, as $ell as assisting thousands of people heal from narcissistic abuse,that *no$ledge and understanding from a logical standpoint is not enough.

'f you have e+perienced the heart and soul-bending agony of 9 ou love me, you love me not; M youmay be feeling shattered, reeling and $ondering ho$ you $ill ever recover.

&his is $here the deeper healing strategies come into place.

&hose of you $ho are members of the arcissistic Abuse reedom 6ealing, the parts of yourself that $ere not ust

maimed by the narcissist, but $ere also original unhealed parts that attracted, and led you into creatingand maintaining a relationship $ith a narcissist.

&o release ourselves from profound heartbrea*, deep inner narcissistic poisoning ($hich permeatesevery part of your being), -P&?% and the many t$isted and convoluted agonies of narcissistic abuse,it is vital to $or* on our deep 'nner 'dentity to heal these parts.

ou have to see the truth of the outer narcissistic personality, get very clear on $hat it is, ho$ it doesnot serve you, and firmly *no$ that $hat this person represents and brings to the table is I& healthyor real love.

And realise that $hen such high-level pathological behaviour is playing out 5 this person does not havethe resources, and certainly does not have the desire, to change.

&hen you need to get very clear about getting your focus on to yourself, not only to be released fromthe pain, but so that you can clean up the patterns of abuse and high levels of tolerance to abuse

behaviour $ithin yourself that co-created this dynamic.

3ecause of the ongoing $or* ' am doing $ith victims of narcissistic abuse, and my o$n deep innergro$th $or*, ' am becoming more and more intimately a$are ho$ the parts $ithin us Omirror theattraction / connection to the narcissist and $hat they are and ho$ to target them.

hen ' saying 9mirroring,; in no $ay am ' saying that you are a bad person. hat ' am saying is thatthere are unhealed parts and fearful belief systems that made you not only susceptible to narcissisticabuse, but made it e+cruciatingly difficult to leave, maintain o ontact, heal, recover and move on 5and this is the case $ith most victims of narcissistic abuse until they release and heal these parts.

&he ultimate goal is to do this inner $or* to such a depth that the narcissist no longer feels li*e yourreality, and you *no$ that you $ould never tolerate or endure such behaviour again.

hen this happens 5 the pain and symptoms disappear, as does the heartbrea*, attraction, obsessionand feelings of loss.

&he reason this happens is: on a belief system, and energetic (emotional) level, $hen you do the directinner $or*, you are no longer a match for a narcissist.

&here is a very po$erful truth in life: hatever we will tolerate we will receive.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htmhttp://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htmhttp://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm


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'f $e have been narcissistically abused, our greatest healing liberation is to change this.

Lery soon ' $ill be releasing to A

reedom 6ealing and &he arcissistic Abuse


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#ero to 100 ' am ?I ready to learn my part in this. "y >ather has been the template so 'understand thatM.but ' really $ant to recogni#e, heal and gro$ my $ounded parts. &han* youfor an ama#ing articleM ust $ish ' *ne$ this F months ago. As they say all things happen for areason. ' believe ' need to learn the lesson in front of me and heal myself once and for all. ourarticle and "elanies $ebsite are helping me on this path.

'th than*s and blessingsM..Cennifer • "elanie &onia 8vans on Canuary 0, 201 at :27 pm said:

6i Cennifer,es ' am sure a lot of people can relate to needing to sort out this confusion much

earlier

' am so pleased this article has helped you emotionally and mentally reconcile $hat $asta*ing place.

't is so true that only personality disordered individuals behave in the $ays that you havedescribed in your post. And no matter ho$ gut $renching your e+perience $as it is sucha blessing that you are no$ out and free in order to live your life so much more healthily.

't is also $onderful that you $ish to heal the inner you, so that you $ill never e+perience

an insidious relationship li*e this again.ou are so $elcomeM

"el +o• "ichelle on "arch 22, 201 at 7:00 pm said:

6i "elanie,

ou have been describing my life story, its as if you $ere a fly on the $all of mylife. e are divorced, and he still professes his undying love and says it e$as amista*e and $ants to remarry me, then $on t call me for days because ' $ill notstay over his house. 't $as incredibily a relief to read your post ans letters, and*no$ that ' am I& cra#y, and not unloveable, he did the character assasination,and even punched me in the face $hen ' $ent to his house because he had beental*ing 9?uicide because he $as so depressed, $ell it turns out he $as still seeingthe $omen he had been cheating $ith since 2010, so $hen she came out and triedto uestion me and he started pushing my do$n the drive$ay, so $hen ' pushedhim a$ay, he punched me $ith a closed fist, so ' called the police, and he $asvery agitaed and they ta#ed hi. %o you *no$ that he said it $as my fault, and myfault the he cheated on me in the first place If course you *no$ that !I! Iuare helping me tremendously. 6e is at the top of the arcissitic list.' don t hatehim, but ' feel sorry for him. ' $ould love to hold a conference as ' *no$ uite afe$ $omen $ho are going through this struggle. ' cannot than* IB 8 IBG6for your due diligence. God bless you for your $or*

"ichelle• Cohn on Cune 7, 201 at 2:D= am said:

' am divorcing after years of hell. $e first met and she $as on 12different medicatin to control her. After she tal* me into helping her getoff the medication she started reading ho$ her mom $as a narrcissist. ?he$ent to month of theripy to get over it. All of a sudden ' became the

problem. 't $as me that $as the abusive one and along $ith her mom.!ife $as up and do$n fights all the time and ' could not understand $hat$as going on. e both $hen and seen a Psychologist and after meeting

http://melanietoniaevans.com/http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-35898http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-40910http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-40910http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-52746http://melanietoniaevans.com/http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-35898http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-40910http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/#comment-52746


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never understand $hy ' had to leave. 3ut the article today reminded me that he candisplay all those $onderful characteristics at times, but that doesn t mean he s not anarcissist and it doesn t negate the fact that he $as abusive. ' feel stronger. &han*s


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http://outofthefog.net/=elationships/ aternal0hild,buse.html

,others /ho urt Their Children om !nows best rightK;t must be true... , mother !nows what s best for her children. ho isn t for motherhood andapple pieK ;t s reinforced in our literature# mo ies# boo!s# our laws# our religion. om !nowsbest. (here is no lo e greater than that of a mother for her children.

, other s


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Percentages of ictims are similar for males and females )8E. % and M1.M% respecti ely*.

0hildren in the age group of birth to G years account for CB.B% of ictims. Iictimizationpercentages decline as age increases.

Child &buse ictims by -thnicity Percentagehite M .C%

,frican ,merican CM. %9ispanic 18.M%

,merican ;ndian > ,las!a Nati e C. % ,sian Pacific ;slander 1.G%



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to one child# subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

'asli!htin! (he practice of brainwashing or con incing a mentally healthy indi idual thatthey are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mista!en or false. (he term5"aslighting6 is based on the 1788 " mo ie 5 "aslight 6.

In antili-ation (reating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

,ood Swin!s 'npredictable# rapid# dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readilyexplained by changes in external circumstances.


*b+ecti ication (he practice of treating a person or a group of people li!e an ob$ect.

Parental Alienation Syndrome hen a separated parent con inces their child that theother parent is bad# e il or worthless.

Parentification , form of role re ersal# in which a child is inappropriately gi en the role of

meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family3s other children.Per ectionism (he maladapti e practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic#unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization# order# or accomplishment in oneparticular area of li ing# while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization# order or accomplishment in other areas of li ing.

Pro+ection (he act of attributing one s own feelings or traits to another person andimagining or belie ing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.



Sca e!oatin! ingling out one child# employee or member of a group of peers forunmerited negati e treatment or blame.


' 0hild 0ustody tatisticsany people belie e that mothers are naturally better caregi ers than fathers. ,nd the '

courts seem to agree. ' Di orce tatistics show that a di orcing mother is B times moreli!ely to retain sole custody of her children than a father:

' , 177 0ustody tatistics)17 tates reporting*

Percentage

ole possession granted tomother

BC.M%

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/Gaslight.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Infantilization.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/MoodSwings.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Munchausens.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Objectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ParentalAlienationSyndrome.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Parentification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Perfectionism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Projection.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PushPull.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Shaming.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/Movies/Gaslight.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Infantilization.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/MoodSwings.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Munchausens.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Objectification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ParentalAlienationSyndrome.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Parentification.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Perfectionism.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Projection.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PushPull.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.htmlhttp://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Shaming.html


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ole possession granted tofather

1 .G%

Foint possession 1M.B%

Possession granted to otherperson)s*

1.8%

ource: http://$$$.divorcepeers.com/stats1=.htm

4athers# who want to protect their children from an abusi e mother# are sometimes afraid tota!e legal action because they fear:

• 4acing ridicule or disbelief from police or social ser ices.• o+ e$s Article

Qualifications for becoming a other

o who really does !now bestK

;n the ' # there are laws to protect all sorts of indi iduals from rec!less beha ior of others.4or example# you must pass an exam before you may:

http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats17.htmhttp://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.htmlhttp://www.divorcepeers.com/stats17.htmhttp://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html


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• Dri e a car#• 4ly a plane• @perate a crane• =un a restaurant• &ducate school children• 2ecome a social wor!er or any !ind of therapist• Diagnose an ailment or prescribe# dispense or administer any !ind of medicine ormedical treatment

2ut there is no +ualification for becoming a other other than being female. Nor is there anyre iew of your performance except in the most se ere cases of physical iolence and neglect.

hen it comes to your treatment of strangers you may be prosecuted for:• hitting• slandering• harassing• stal!ing• in ading their pri acy• confiscating their property

hen it comes to treatment of minors# parents are held almost completely unaccountable.inor children of abusi e parents are completely trapped in their en ironment dependent

totally on an o erwhelmed legal system to ta!e action after the abuse has been witnessedand reported by a neighbor# teacher# doctor or social wor!er. any cases go unreported.

Do you 2ove a Narcissist3 http://darlenelancer.com/blog/do-you-love-a-narcissist't s easy to fall in love $ith narcissists. &heir charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell,

http://darlenelancer.com/blog/do-you-love-a-narcissisthttp://darlenelancer.com/blog/do-you-love-a-narcissist


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along $ith compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you$ere embarrassed $hen your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive $ay he or shetreated a $aitress. Ince hoo*ed, you have to contend $ith their demands, criticisms, and self-centeredness. &he relationship revolves around them, and you re e+pected to meet their needs $henneeded, and are dismissed $hen not.

6hat it#s 2i"e . 'n the beginning, you $ere delighted to be in the narcissist s aura. o$ you re tenseand drained from unpredictable tantrums, attac*s, and un ustified indignation at imaginary slights. ou

begin to doubt yourself, $orry $hat he or she $ill thin*, and become as pre-occupied $ith thenarcissist, as he or she is $ith him or herself.

After a $hile, you start to lose self-confidence. our self-esteem may have been intact $hen you met, but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesn t fail to point it out. "ost narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. &al*ing about your disappointmentor hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you do$n. &hey can dish it, but not ta*eit, being highly sensitive to any perceived udgment.

arcissists have no boundaries and see you as an e+tension of themselves, re uiring that you re on callto meet their needs 5 regardless of $hether you re ill or in pain. ou might get caught-up in trying to

please them. &his is li*e trying to fill a bottomless pit. &heir needs, $hether for admiration, service,

love, or purchases, are endless. ou might go out of your $ay to fill their re uest only to have yourefforts devalued because you didn t read their mind. &hey e+pect you to *no$ $ithout having to as*.ou end up in a double-blind 5 damned if you displease them and damned $hen you do. arcissists

don t li*e to hear 9 o.; ?etting boundaries threatens them. &hey ll manipulate to get their $ay ma*esure you feel guilty if you re bold enough to ris* turning them do$n. ou become afraid that if youdon t please them, you ris* an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being $ithheld, and a rupturein the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissist s relationship is $ith him or herself. ou usthave to fit in. evertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, e+citement,and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists love3 'n public, narcissists s$itch on the charm that first dre$ you in. People gravitateto$ards them and are enlivened by their energy. ou re proud to bas* in their glo$, but at home,they re totally different. &hey may privately denigrate the person they $ere ust entertaining. ou beginto $onder if they have an out$ard 9as if; personality. "aybe you re reassured of their love $hen they

besto$ complimentary and caring $ords and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you e+pensivegifts, then doubt their sincerity and uestion $hether they re being manipulative or saying $hat sappropriate.

?ometimes, you might thin* they love only themselves. &hat s a common misconception. Actually, theydisli*e themselves immensely. &heir inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merelycovers for the self-loathing they don t admit 5 usually even to themselves. 'nstead, it s pro ectedout$ards in their disdain for and criticism of others. &his is $hy they don t $ant to loo* at themselves.&hey re too afraid, because they believe that the truth $ould be devastating. Actually, they don t havemuch of a ?elf at all. 8motionally, they re dead inside. (?ee ?elf-!ove. )

-arly Beginnings. 't s hard to be empathic $ith narcissists, but they didn t choose to be that $ay.&heir natural development $as arrested as a toddler due to faulty, early parenting, usually by themother $ho didn t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for ideali#ation. &hey re left $ith anunrealistic vie$ of themselves, and at time ma*e you e+perience $hat it $as li*e having had to feed theneeds of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne


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Do narcissists have a conscience3 http'((narc)attac".blogspot.com(8;;


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6olocaust.

%onHt try to tell me that anyone $ith any conscience, empathy, or human feelings did that. And yetcountless Poles $ent to "ass and ommunion in the morning and then $ent out to the ghetto and didthat. ithout a t$inge of conscience.

et this same person might feel very guilty a moment later for cursing over stubbing his toe.

Go figure. &he $ay people mess $ith their minds is bi#arre.

learly, these mental states of absence of conscience, empathy, shame and feelings are 6A3'&? of"' % under conscious control. 'f you never use the $iring for them, those parts of the brain donHtdevelop as much gray matter (connections). hich is $hy the brains of psychopaths actually loo* a bitdifferent: they lac* development in some areas li*e unused muscles do. And they sho$ greaterdevelopment in other areas.

&hat ust sho$s $hat parts of the brain theyHre using the most , period.

'nstead of using the emotional parts of the brain to process things that cause normal people to use them(and thus have an emotional response to something) they have a 6A3'& of using nonemotional parts of the brain to thin* about the matter. &hatHs $hy narcissists and psychopaths are so cold-blooded and

brutal.

'n narcissists, this is the default mode. &hey are in it about everything all the time. ?ince earlychildhood. 'tHs a habitual state of mind. &hey have chosen it.

&hey say they donHt e+perience the full range of feelings other people seem to e+perience. 3ut pardonme for not feeling sorry them, because this is no accident. 't is no brain malfunction. 't is theconse uence of repressing their feelings all their lives, feelings $hich they vie$ as J$ea*nessJ anddespise.

&herefore, it ta*es some conscious effort for them to dig deep and get in touch $ith their buriedfeelings. ' suppose it actually ta*es effort for them to empathi#e ($hen they $ant to put themselves inyour shoes to see ho$ various things $ould feel so they can hit you $here it hurts most S be sadistic).

0o* for all practical purposes* a narcissist has no conscience ) e$cept at rare and un!antedmoments of self)a!areness* !hen something happens to cause a sense of conscience to rise fromits shallo! grave and haunt the conscious centers of mind.

7e !ill immediately repr

part 1a - narcissism

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