Helping today’s parents raise exceptional kids

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Saturday, 18th September 2012

8 of Australia’s Hottest speakers in parenting

A day of inspiration, motivation & learning

MELBOURNE

Parenting Extravaganza

MICHAEL GROSEThis edition has some up-to-date information for parents on some very topical issues.

Experienced journalist Karen Fontaine has written a great piece on kids and sleep. As she’s discovered, helping your child get a good night’s sleep may well be the best thing you can do to improve their behaviour and their school results.

If you have pre-teen or early teen girls then you’ll love Catherine Gerhardt’s article about helping girls stay true to themselves. It has some fabulous tips for raising girls that I haven’t seen anywhere else.

New contributor Dr. Yvonne Sum asks the important question, “Are we pushing our kids too hard?” This thought-provoking piece is a must-read for any parent who wants the best for their kids.

American psychologist Lenore Skenazy created quite a stir on her recent Australian visit when she claimed today’s kids need to be allowed to take more risks. She claims that they can start by going to the local park and catching a train on their own. You can read my thoughts on Free Range Parenting.

Social Media expert and parent Denis Masseni provides you with some insights on how to prepare kids for the digital world. You’ll love the four comprehensive guidelines he provides to keep kids safe online.

Finally, Bill Jennings shares a lesson that’s suitable for any parent who has contemplated giving their children advice. Bill’s lesson – give advice; value it but don’t overdo it! As always, it’s a great read.

If you enjoy this edition of Parentingideas Magazine then do all the writers a favour and PASS IT ON to a friend, colleague or family member. Email it on with a personalised message. Best of all, it’s FREE.

Here’s to happy and informed parenting,

Michael Grose

About Michael Grose

Michael is widely regarded as Australia’s No. 1 parenting educator. The author of eight books for parents his latest Thriving! has been described “as the new roadmap for raising 3-12 year olds with confidence, character and resilience.” He supports over 1,000 Australian schools and hundreds and thousands of parents with his practical, easy-to-read resources. An in-demand speaker Michael is one of fewer than 100 Certified Speaking Professionals (CSP’s) in Australia. Contact 1800 004 484 to find out how to have Michael liven up your next conference or event.

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Welcome to the fifth edition of Parentingideas magazine,designed to give you great up-to-date advice to make your parenting easier.

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Join thousands of parents and followMichaelGroseParenting on Facebook.

BY MICHAEL GROSE

Would you let primary school kids catch a train on their own?

This was the indirect challenge for parents when the psychologist dubbed America’s worst parent Lenore Skenazy visited Australia recently.

US parenting show host Skenazy sparked a worldwide controversy when she admitted allowing her nine-year-old-son to ride the New York subway on his own. “Bad mum” was the outcry from parenting groups everywhere.

Allowing children to develop real independence is one of the biggest challenges modern parents face. When to allow a child to walk to the park on their own, babysit younger siblings, make their own way to school, catch a train to the city and go to the cinema without adult supervision, are the sorts of dilemmas that many parents sweat over.

Most parents I meet admit to having had more freedom to roam when they were kids than they allow their own children, yet they are unwilling to allow their children those same freedoms.

Children’s busy schedules, concerns over increased traffic and stranger danger are the most common reasons given for parents restricting children’s freedoms to navigate their communities free from adult supervision.

Ironically, we’ve learned in the last two decades that kids are more likely to be harmed by someone they know than from a stranger in the street, on a train or in a park. The world is no less dangerous than it was when we were growing up, but there is a perception that it’s less safe.

Independence builds confidence

There’s a lot to be said for giving kids a little bit of rope. Giving children more independence is one of the most effective ways of developing confidence. It builds a broader experience base than parents can normally provide.

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Greater freedom also involves an element of risk, which is naturally scary for parents. While our basic job is to keep kids safe and secure, that doesn’t mean we eliminate risk altogether by overprotecting them.

Instead we reduce risk by skilling up our kids to navigate the broader environment safely on their own. Scaffolding – children being granted small degrees of independence – is a strategy many parents use to reduce the risk for their children in public while they grant their children more freedom. Dropping young children off a few hundred metres from the school gate and allowing them to walk the rest of the way on their own is an example of scaffolding to independence.

The primary school years are the time to build the skills of independence, so that when children move into adolescence they are more able to be self-sufficient.

Adolescents usually want greater freedoms than parents are prepared to give. Expecting young people to maintain contact with you; setting time limits for being out and rewarding responsible behaviour with greater freedom are some practical ways for parents to reduce risk with this age group.

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FREE RANGE PARENTINGAllowing children to develop real independence is one of the biggest challenges modern parents face. Our basic job is to keep kids safe and secure, that doesn’t mean we eliminaterisk altogether by overprotecting them.

Michael Grose is the founder of Parentingideas,Australia’s No. 1 parenting education provider.

Michael Grose, Parentingideas

www.parentingideas.com.auoffice@parentingideas.com.aufacebook.com/michaelgroseparenting

www.parentingideas.com.au

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A necessary leap of faith

It’s funny how most parents find it easier to grant greater freedom to later borns than their eldest children. It’s easier for parents to let go of the later borns, as we’ve learned from experience that most kids are pretty capable when it comes to navigating their expanding world. Besides, youngest borns get plenty of hands-on lessons watching and listening to their elder siblings’ exploits of navigating the big, wide world.

Regardless of where children come in the family, granting them more freedom can be a leap of faith for many parents. But it’s a leap we should take earlier rather than later.

NAVIGATING THE BIG, WIDE WORLD.

Let me know what you think on myMichaelGroseParenting Facebook page.

3 parenting ideas to build independence

1. Reduce risks for kids through skilling up & scaffolding2. Start building self-sufficiency earlier rather than later3. Reward responsible behaviour with greater freedom

Whoever coined the term ‘sleeping like a baby’ had obviously never lived with one. Infants’ sleep patterns are notoriously erratic, and as they grow up the story remains much the same. Preschoolers kick up about napping during the day, school-aged children want to stay up late at night and teenagers refuse to get out of bed in the morning.

One thing remains the same: sleep is critically important for children, but Australia’s are getting about half an hour less sleep per night than they did 30 years ago, according to a study by the University of South Australia’s Centre for Sleep Research.

Kids are going to bed later because it’s now the norm for both parents to work full-time, meaning that evenings are often the only opportunity for family time. In addition, the intrusion into bedrooms of digital media such as mobile phones, laptops and iPods means children are getting less shut-eye – with far-reaching consequences.

“With disturbed sleep, you pretty well see changes in everything, from the cardiovascular system through to the skin,” says Dr Kurt Lushington, head of the University of South Australia’s Centre for Sleep Research. “You can go without food for a week or so but you cannot go without sleep.”

As Dr Lushington says, sleep is important for memory, “so if you want to remember things and to forget things – which is equally important – you have to sleep”.

“We also know from animal studies that that sleep state seems to be incredibly important for the optimal wiring up of the brain,” he says. “In infants and kids, sleep plays an important role in the optimal development of the brain. Sleep is also important for growth, and for those who don’t get enough there is a failure to thrive. Sleep plays an important role in the immune system and it also anchors the circadian body clock system.”

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SLEEPING BEAUTIESHelping kids get the right amount of quality sleep will reap manifold rewards when it comes to their development and general wellbeing

SLEEP IS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN

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Most parents realise the importance of sleep, Dr Lushington says. However, “what many don’t appreciate is how important structure, namely a routine, really is”.

“Our research shows that in terms of kids being able to cope with school and life and not having any problematic behaviours, it’s not so much how long they sleep – what’s important is a regular schedule,” he says.

“Kids who go to bed at different times and wake up at different times with big swings on weekdays compared to weekends – those are the kids who tend to get into trouble. Sober habits are very important.”

How much is enough?

To ensure your child gets the optimum amount of sleep, use the following as a guideline, says Dr Kurt Lushington, head of the University of South Australia’s Centre for Sleep Research:

For children aged two to five: 11-12 hours per nightChildren aged 6-12: 9-11 hours per nightTeenagers: 8-10 hours per night

And adhere to these rules, advises Dr Lushington:

“On the weekends, don’t let kids stay up more than an hour or two later than they normally do, and don’t let them sleep in more than an hour or two later than normal.” “Give them time to unwind before they turn out the lights and don’t let them fall asleep in front of the TV. There has to be a routine for falling asleep – otherwise what happens is that unless the light or the TV is on, kids can’t fall asleep – which is crazy.”“Exercise, big meals and hot baths are not a good idea directly before they go to bed.”“Keep track of how they are during the day. If they look like they’re not coping or if they’re irritable, it might be that they need more sleep.”

Karen Fontaine is a freelance journalist.

Karen Fontaine

There is no such thing as a sleep bank – meaning that even if a child had 12 hours sleep last night, they won’t get away with just eight hours tonight. Parents need to stick to a routine, make evenings as predictable as possible, and enforce hard-and-fast rules, particularly for teenagers, about digital media in the bedroom.

“The teen years are a period of life where it’s to be expected that you will hand over control to them; learning their own limits is part of the journey,” says Dr Lushington. “And, being young and healthy, they can sometimes stay up all night and be fine the next day. What you can do is help them see the connection between how they’re sleeping – and how they feel during the day.”

BY CATHERINE GERHARDT

Raising teen girls was never meant to be easy. With two pre-teen daughters myself I am keenly aware of the challenges that lie ahead. Already there are circumstances with friends, and there will be situations with boyfriends, work and online relationships, then add into that mix possible issues with body image and self esteem. Whew! That sounds like a potential mine field.

Girls can tend to be too trusting when it comes to relation-ships and may not pay enough attention to their instincts, that intuition that helps keep them safe. In general girls are more inclined to want people to like them and have a greater desire to be accepted. It is important that we open up conversations around values and beliefs.

Important safety discussions for girls:

Friends vs. Cliques

Friends are those people that we share a lot in common with. We enjoy hanging out with them and supporting each other. Friendship groups share values and beliefs and welcome new friends.

Cliques are more restrictive. They have rules that set out who can be ‘in’ and how they should behave. There can be a lot of pressure to conform to a clique and it’s usually controlled by a leader.

Have discussions with your daughter about knowing what they want and what they believe in, and emphasise the importance of keeping true to themselves. Are they being true to themselves in their friendships and activities when in a peer group? One of the messages we use in our home is ‘Who is the boss of you?’ Does your daughter have the skills to be the boss of herself or will she easily allow someone to take that position?

Peer Pressure

Almost everyone finds themselves in a peer pressure situation at some point. Help your daughter understand that when something makes her feel uncomfortable, this means the situation is wrong for her.

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A GIRL’S WAYGirls are more inclined to want people to like them andhave a greater desire to be accepted. It's important toopen up conversations around values and beliefs.

Encourage her to know who she is and keep to her values. Take some time out this week to sit down with her and write some down and have them posted as discussion points for when you need them. Is she living in a way that respects her core values? It is also worthwhile to have a plan and build discussions around potential peer pressure situations, like alcohol, drugs or sex? Think ahead and discuss what she can do and even have her practise what she can do or say. A lot of families have a code phrase that teens can use if they are feeling pressure and want to get out of a situation. One family I know uses ‘mother’ as their alert word; if they hear that word or have it written in a text that is their cue to mobilise.

No means no

Believe it or not, NO is a word I want to hear my daughters using a lot as they navigate their way through their teenage years. The word NO is a powerful word. NO is a complete sentence. It is the most important word they can use to keep themselves safe. If someone does not listen to their NO, then that person is trying to take control of them or the situation. Help your daughter to understand that if they let someone talk them out of their NO, they are letting them take control. No means no – you do not need to say anything else. Let’s say, for example, someone approached your daughter and asked to help carry her school bag and she says, ‘No, thank you. I can do it myself. I don’t have far to go’. This tells the person that she may be open to conversation and may be able to be convinced. NO means no negotiation.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, NO IS A WORD

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Catherine Gerhardt, Kidproof Melbourne

www.kidproofsafety.com.aumelbourne@kidproofsafety.com1 300 577 663

Kidproof provides proactive and preventative child and family education programs. We work with schools, community groups and other child centric organisations. We provide peace of mind for parents and create safer communities for everyone.

The need to be noticed can be strong enough to lead girls into risky behaviours or behaviours that do not fit in with their core values. As parents, we need to support our girls to find and know their core beliefs and values and empower them to be true to these ideas and standards. If the way your daughter wants to be remembered does not match the way she thinks others will remember her, then it is time to make some changes. If your daughter finds herself questioning what she is doing, get her to reflect on her list of core beliefs and values. The choices they make now will help build the foundation for the woman they are going to become.

‘The choices they make now will help build the foundation for the woman they are going to become.’

BY DENIS MASSENI

There is a nothing more divisive for parents today than a discussion about Facebook. With close on 11 million Australians-now using Facebook, it has a participation rate like no other product or service.

With around 75% of 15 to 65 year olds using Facebook there must be some redeeming value. There are more Facebook users than there are taxpayers. Facebook is the most significant communication device since the telephone, so why the hysteria?

We digest our information via the media, which just loves a controversy. You’ll never see an article that reads, “Grandparents stay in touch on Facebook with travelling grandchildren” or “Teacher connects with old U.K colleagues after 20 years – found them on Facebook”.

Instead we see articles such as “Australia The World’s Facebook Bullying Capital” (news.com.au January 18). Yes, there are dangers but like the gun lobby’s catch cry “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, in the hands of the naïve or evil it can also be destructive. The interactive form of communication that is Facebook is so new. A culture of use is developing and kids are leading the way.

The single biggest issue stemming from inappropriate use of Facebook is that kids don’t realise they’re now global publishers. And in this space there are rules and laws. However we are in an era where online law is lagging but it is quickly catching up. In the future highly inflammatory and derogatory publishing that some people engage in will be reigned in, but in the meantime, we need to help our kids.

Schools will need to play a big part in creating this new Facebook culture. It can start with schools getting their own Facebook pages. This will go a long way to setting a tone for proper use and allow schools to keep pace with this evolving landscape. Parents as primary caregivers and at home educators also have a role to play in helping kids navigate this new landscape.

Here are a few tips about how to guide kids through social media.1. Teach appropriate languageKids need guidelines regarding the language they use online. Here’s a simple guide for kids of all ages: “Don’t use language

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Parents as primary caregivers and at home educators have an important role to play in helping kids navigate the social media landscape.

online that you wouldn’t use in front of your grandmother”. Language does get bluer as kids get older but Facebook seems to have lowered this threshold dramatically. Talk to kids about the appropriateness of the language they use on Facebook.

2. Limit friend acceptances and limit exposure to strangersYoung people collect Facebook friends like swap cards, which is not good practice. Being indiscriminate as to whom they befriend leaves kids open to the potential of being targeted by undesirable adults. It is more appropriate that their Facebook friends mirror their ‘real’ life friends.

3. Photos can last foreverMore than 250 million photos are uploaded each day on Facebook, making sharing pictures the most popular activity. Some young people do place risqué pictures of themselves on Facebook. The central issue here involves the protection of the user’s reputation, which can be wrecked by one inappropriate photo spread around cyberspace via Facebook.

4. Time on Facebook – encourage moderate useWe want our children to have a balanced life with a variety of activities both indoors and outdoors. We also know that they need plenty of face-to-face interactions so they can maintain social connections. The addictive nature of social media means that some kids spend far too much time on Facebook. Late night log-ins on a school night are not in kids’ long term best interest and require parent discussion and negotiation to help kids find a balance.

It’s difficult as parents to work out our role when kids use Facebook. Being their ‘friend’ is not the answer. Neither is letting kids do as they please online. Our kids need our sensibilities and wisdom as parents to help guide them in the social media world, and create a safe culture of use.

RAISING SAFE AND SAVVY YOUNG FACEBOOK USERS

Denis Masseni, Monash University/RMIT

socialwise.com.ausponsor-ed.com.au

Denis Masseni is a Monash University/RMIT social media sessional lecturer. He is on a mission to have every school in Australia on Facebook.

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PHOTOS CAN LAST FOREVER

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Parents today believe that their children need to stand out from the crowd in a highly competitive world. There is nothing wrong in wanting the best to unleash the highest potential in the next generation. If we are not careful, we can create excessive pressure as ‘helicopter parents’ hovering over them in so many areas: academia, sports, performing arts ... and even imposing cultural traditions. Just like in ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom’ by Amy Chua.

Can we also go the other extreme and become free-range parents with our offspring dictating the boundaries of their existence? That would not work, either.

How much should we push our kids?

My sense is that we need to find a balance where we can inspire our children to be motivated from the inside out. Each child is different. Read the book that is your child. Observe them and you will understand what makes them tick. Some children are more likely to thrive when they are challenged – so you can ‘push’ them more. Others will need more sensitivity.

Do I follow my or their wishes?

It depends. The difficult part about parenting is that differ-ent circumstances warrant different handling. Read the context. If a situation involves the child making a few mistakes to learn a skill (as they did when they learnt to walk!) then perhaps we can let them approach it their way. A Japanese proverb tells us to, ‘Fall down seven get up eight’. On the other hand, a more complex decision will need more guidance and direction from the parents.

What are the boundaries?

Rule of thumb: set them clearly. This does not mean the boundaries have to be dictated by you. A discussion towards a mutual agreement means better buy-in.

How much pressure is too much?

When it's a constant battle. When it’s no longer fun. When no inner burning desire can be drawn from the child. Once more: read the book that is your child.

My daughter, Xian had been dancing for six years. It was a shock when Xian told me she was quitting ballet. My natural instinct was to activate the ‘Because I said so’ reply – but stopped myself in time to learn what had changed her motivations.

Xian confessed that she was exhausted. She was a rare person who relished in her school-work. Fortunately, despite the mounting workload – that was not her issue. Besides ballet, Xian indulged in diverse extracurricular activities and was determined to continue her violin, piano, singing and gymnastics.

ARE WE PUSHING OUR KIDS TOO HARD? We need to find a balance where we can inspire ourchildren from the inside out.

BY YVONNE SUM

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Before I could yield to any self-flagellating guilt, I was awed by how much thought she had put into this decision. As I listened in stunned silence, she assured me that she loved every minute of ballet and all the other opportunities she had been introduced to. How-ever, she had recently found ballet classes becoming a chore. She hadn’t had a break in lessons since she was three and felt leaving the ballet for a period would do her good. What astonished me was her maturity of consulting with her ballet teacher who assured her (and later me when I verified this) a couple of years’ break will not do Xian any harm. In fact, it may even help her motivation later. Xian also reminded me phlegmatically that she could continue her flexibility, strength and cardiovascular development in gymnastics.

I had to stagger back and reflect on what was my intent in keeping her in ballet. In a nutshell, I had encouraged it for reasons of fitness and artistry. Mostly, it was my joy of watching her dance. Fitness and artistry were satisfied through her gymnastics and music. But I sorely missed her dancing.

This had been a learning experience for me. Xian respected herself enough to stop something that no longer served her. Yet, she took the time to honour my feelings by thoughtfully partnering with me before moving forward with her decision as painlessly as possible. She gave me a chance to seek to understand her rather than push my position.

When should we listen to our kids?

Always have an open mind. I am often surprised by the genius and maturity in my children when I stop to listen. If they seem misdirected, by all means use respectful influencing skills to guide them as necessary. Always model collaborative engagement over of a bulldozing approach!

What are the signs of pushing too much?Chronic stress by one or all parties!

There are lots of questions to consider.

Dr Yvonne Sum CSP, ACMC, BDS Hons

www.dryvonnesum.comwww.facebook.com/DrYvonneSum1 300 577 663

CSP transforms leaders of tomorrow today. Having been a dentist, RAAF officer, executive coach, leadership facilitator & speaker, author, business partner, wife and mother of two, Yvonne has first-hand experience transcending changes across various contexts. She consistently provokes senior business leaders to ‘lose their minds and come to their senses’ by integrating their leadership lessons at home succes fully back into the work tribe in Australia, USA and Asia-Pacific. She has presented alongside Edward deBono, Howard Gardner, Tony Buzan, and David Perkins. 'Start Kidding Yourself - Learning Leadership from your Home Tribe' is her first solo book due out in 2012.

Offer:If you call me quoting that you read this article on Parenting Ideas, I’ll be happy to give you a complimentary 30-minute coaching session.

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Josh is a Year 12 student at The Hutchins School in Hobart. He spoke as a panellist at a Time & Space night I facilitated for a group of Year 8 boys (average age 13) and their dads or mentors. He offered an insight that smashed a stereotype. You know the one: that wisdom only comes from people with grey hair and wrinkles.

Josh was asked to mention a quality that he saw in his dad and to offer an example of that quality. He shared something unusual from a person his age.

“My dad’s best quality is his ability to give advice,” Josh offered the audience.

There’s nothing unusual about giving advice. For those of us who are parents, we are experts at giving out advice. If you’re one of the young people who read these articles, you probably feel that sometimes our advice giving just turns into white noise. I’m sure my two teenagers agree with me (for a change) on this point.

So there is plenty that is simply unusual about a son saying that ‘giving advice’ is his dad’s best quality. Josh was asked to offer an example. He told a story. As you read it, Josh’s wisdom is obvious – he can look back and see himself growing, see himself realising and see himself taking responsibility. The other wise character in this story is Josh’s dad. He didn’t come along to the night. I have never met him and that adds something to the marvel and mystery that his son nominated his ‘advice giving’ as his best quality.

Josh started the story by saying, ‘my father gave me an anchor point.’

Josh remembers that it was November 2003 when he first received the slip of paper. His dad had copied out and written an anymous quotation that had captured his eye in the local newspaper The Mercury. As a then Grade 3 boy,

Josh read the words, thought they were good and put them somewhere. That somewhere was not anywhere special because after a time, he lost that slip of paper. His dad noticed this. He knows that his dad noticed because at a certain time in 2004, he received the same quotation again, written in his dad’s hand, on a fresh slip of paper. And, yes ... he held on to that slip for a while before he lost it again. This happened again in 2005, 2006 and 2007.

‘It just ended up getting lost and discarded,’ was the way Josh described what had become an annual practice.

Don’t you love the way stories, really good ones, have delightful coincidence infused through them? Josh was talking to some fathers, mentors and their Year 8 boys and it was in 2008, when Josh was in Year 8, that he received the slip of paper from his dad again. He received it for the last time. Why?

Because this time Josh said, ‘I kept it, I know where that piece of paper is right now – it’s in my wallet.’ Josh went on to explain. ‘It’s old and tatty but I know it is there and I get it out regularly when I need some inspiration.’ You get the sense that Josh likes the learning he gets from the words but as he gets out that now four-year-old slip of paper, he also knows he is holding a tangible example of his dad’s advice.

What’s the gold in his dad’s particular style of advice giving? It was delivered with planning, with patience and meted out on one rare occasion each year. With the utmost respect to Josh (because it sometimes takes me more than six years to get a message) I heard someone say this year, that we can send an email 12 000 miles across the globe in a second. Yet it can sometimes be years for it to travel that last eighth of an inch through the bone in our skull.

Sometimes the best communication happenswhen you least expect it.

JOSH’S STORY

BY BILL JENNINGS

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Josh told Year 8 boys that in Year 8, he finally got the message his dad was giving just once a year, patiently until he finally took it in.

In preparing for my role as facilitator of these panels, I usually read out the questions over the phone and offer the young people who will be on the panel – like Josh – an opportunity to talk through what they would say. Josh chatted for a while but then said, ‘I’m good now. I just want to take the next couple of hours to make sure I do this panel role right tonight.’

And in going off to do that extra preparation I think Josh did something else. He showed that he has embodied the words on that slip of paper:

Aim a little higher.

Go a little further.

Do a little better.

In taking the time to prepare, Josh showed that he does this as a matter of course. And in doing that he honours his father.

What Can Parents Draw from Josh’s dad?

Put a premium on your advice. Josh’s dad was patient. He gave his son the piece of paper once a year. He was happy to wait until his son learnt the lesson and took ownership of the words. What might happen to the advice we give our kids if we halve the frequency with which we dish it out? When commodities become rare, they increase in value. Maybe the same rule applies to advice given in the right time and space.

What can Young People learn from Josh?

Josh thought carefully about the best quality he sees in his dad. Take the time to consider the special gifts that your mum, dad or guardian has. Find the right time and space to let them know specifically what you see as their best qualities. Maybe even write them a letter and surprise them. Watch their reaction if you follow through on this!

Bill Jennings is Australia’s leading parent-child program facilitator. As director of Time & Space, Bill offers your community exactly that… ‘time & space’ for young peopleand their parents to share important memories and, in doing that, create a new one.

Bill Jennings, Time & Space

www.time-space.com.aubjennings@time-space.com.au

MY FATHER GAVE ME AN ANCHOR POINT

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BY YVONNE SUM

BY BILL JENNINGS

BY CATHERINE GERHARDT

BY MICHAEL GROSE BY DENIS MASSENI