Parenting Teenagers

101FACILITATOR’S GUIDE

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Dear Friend,

Welcome to our Parenting Teenagers 101 Course!

The stage of life where your children become teenagers has the potential to be one of the most rewarding and enjoyable for us as parents. However, it is also a season that many can also face with fear and trepidation.

This Course has been created with the intention to help you look to this time with confidence by giving you a solid, biblical foundation to shape and influence your teenager’s life as they make the critical transition from childhood to adulthood.

Contributors to the Course include Dr Robi Sonderegger and Jonathan Walters. Dr Robi is a great friend of Hillsong Church who many will be familiar with. He works as a Clinical Psychologist who has many years of experience supporting young people all over the world. Jonathan is a long-standing member of our church who is currently a Deputy Head Teacher, dad of five, and is someone who together with his wife Liz have run Parenting Courses for many years.

Over the next few weeks, we’re believing that through this Course you’ll meet some great people, have a lot of fun and discover biblical wisdom that will empower you to raise teenagers with a strong sense of identity of who they are in Christ and who are ready to live life to the full.

Have a great time!

Gary & Cathy Clarke Lead Pastors Hillsong Church UK

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Contents

2 Introduction

5 Week 1: RELATING

13 Week 2: CHARACTER

21 Week 3: IDENTITY

29 Week 4: BOUNDARIES

37 Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

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“May our sons flourish in their youth like well-nurtured plants.

May our daughters be like graceful pillars, carved to beautify a palace.”

PSALMS 144:12 NLT

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1Week 1: RELATING

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Week 1: RELATING

SUMMARY

To help parents develop and maintain a strong and influential relationship with their teenager(s).

INTRO

Welcome to Week 1 of Parenting Teenagers 101. We’re excited that you’re a part of this course and over the next five weeks we’re going to embark on a journey of parenting teens from a biblical perspective. Each week we’re going to watch a video hosted by Kris Mikkelson, and in conversation with Dr Robi Sonderegger and Jonathan Walters. Many will be familiar with Dr Robi; he has been a great friend of Hillsong for many years and is a renowned Clinical Psychologist working with children and young people the world over. Jonathan Has been in church for many years now, and is himself a Deputy Head Teacher at a very successful London school, dad of five and together with his wife Liz have led many Parenting Courses over the years.

The topics we will be looking at over the next five weeks include, Relating to Your Teenager, Building Character, Developing Self-Esteem and Identity, Setting Boundaries and finally granting them Independence!

Tonight, our starting point is Relating to your teenager. Before we get into that though let’s find out who’s in the room, who you’re parenting, and what you’re hoping to get from this course over the next five sessions.

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[5-10 MINUTE INTRO ICE-BREAKER]

The Bible says that children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:6), in other words something precious that is given to bring us joy. Sometimes children can bring with them such challenges, that the opposite can seem to be the case! But God’s intention is not to burden us with His wonderful gift, but through us wants to see the child grow into maturity and fulfil all their potential and God-given purpose.

Being entrusted with a young person’s life is an honour and privilege, not to be taken lightly and we begin by considering how we can strengthen our relationship with our teenage child. At a time when our child is becoming increasingly independent, it is all the more important to ensure we maintain a healthy relationship with them, keeping the channel of communication open and providing nurture and the right amount of support when needed. This session will provide some helpful principles to strengthen your bond with your teenager.

Let’s check out our first video where Kris is in conversation with Dr Robi.

[Session 1 video]

Week 1: RELATING

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Week 1: RELATING

DISCUSSION — POINTS TO TALK ABOUT

So, there were some great thoughts there from Dr Robi, but what were people’s thoughts on that? Lets carry on the conversation, by asking the question:

• What parts of the video stood out to you? Were there any comments made that you particularly agreed with or disagreed with and why?

• Dr Robi made the point that there is more brain activity during the teenage years than any other time of life, other than as a newborn baby. He also mentioned that awareness of the changes that a teenager is going through is 90% of the battle. How well do you attribute your child’s behaviour to the changes they’re going through?

• How did the discussion inspire you to want to build greater relationship with your child, and in what ways will you see this become a reality.

• Because of the development that they’re going through we can often experience unexpected mood swings with our teenagers. Why is it important for the parent to stay emotionally neutral, but at the same time show empathy and understanding?

• The goal is, through relationship, to help your teenager manage themselves and build their own discipline into their lives. How do you think this can be achieved?

• How important to you is it to allow them to make their own mistakes, and what are the challenges involved?

• Kris asked the question, “How can we maintain that open dialogue?” This can be difficult when it seems to be our questions are greeted with one word answers, or maybe no answer at all! Dr Robi’s response was “to seize the moment”. What did you take from this and what are the consequences of prioritising other things?

• What is the one thing you feel you could do from now to build greater relationship with your teen or teens?

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Week 1: RELATING

APPLICATION

During this week’s video, Kris and Robi discussed how relationship was the key to parenting teenagers well. This week as part of your first application we want you to arrange some quality one-on-one time with your teenager. This could take many different forms or activities, but try and make it something that you know your teenager will really enjoy.

The goal is to apply the principle or principles that stood out to you from this week’s session, and wherever your relationship is at right now, to simply help you to take them forward.

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Notes

Week 1: RELATING

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Notes

Week 1: RELATING

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“Train up a child in the way he should go,And when he is old he will not depart from it.”

PROVERBS 22:6 NKJV

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2Week 2: CHARACTER

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Week 2: CHARACTER

SUMMARY

To equip parents with strategies to teach their teenage children issues of character and integrity.

INTRO

Welcome back to Week 2 of our Parenting Teenagers Course. Last week our topic was Relating to your teenager and it would be great to start tonight by sharing anything that you applied from last time around and the impact that you might have seen from that.

[5 MINUTES WITH FEEDBACK FROM A COUPLE OF PEOPLE]

Ok, tonight’s topic is Character and how we build it into our teenager’s life, but before we get into that it would be good to hear briefly from people about what type of teenager you were, and how this affects the way you parent your kids now.

[5 MIN DISCUSSION WITH A COUPLE OF PEOPLE FEEDING BACK ON EACH]

The Bible reminds us that if we train a child in the way they should go, in the end they will not depart from it (see Proverbs 22:6). So in what areas do we want to train our teenager? A major focus has to be their character. Character has been described as ‘who we are in the dark.’ It covers our values, ethics and morals. The traits that every parent would want to see in their children such as honesty, integrity and responsibility all come out of who we are fundamentally as a person. Our actions flow directly out of our basic character.

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Let’s check out the video for this week, where Kris Mikkelson interviews Jonathan Walters, a father of five children who has a particular passion for supporting parents of teenagers.

[Session 2 video]

Week 2: CHARACTER

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Week 2: CHARACTER

DISCUSSION — POINTS TO TALK ABOUT

Well, how good was that. As Kris said we’re going to carry on the conversation now, and I want to start off by asking…

• What stood out to you from this week’s discussion, and was there anything that you felt specifically challenged by?

• Why is it important to ‘make home a haven’ for your teenager? What can we do practically to ensure the home is a safe place for children to grow and learn?

• Character can be defined as who we are when nobody’s looking. More precisely, it describes a person’s moral values, integrity and honesty. How can we teach character to our teenager?

• Is character more caught than taught? To what extent is it important for parents to model good character to their adolescent child?

• Many parents lead busy lives which make it difficult to find time to talk to their children. When is a good time to talk to our teenager?

• When you are eager to teach your teenager, it is easy to fall into the trap of nagging. Why is it important not to see every moment as a teachable moment?

• In a time of great mental and emotional upheaval, a teenager needs regular affirmation and encouragement. Jon mentioned how the word courage in French is linked to the heart and literally means to put heart into someone. What does this look like practically for you and your child?

• Parenting becomes very difficult in isolation. We need each other – and we need good role models for our children. How can we surround ourselves with people who are positive influences on our teenager?

• What response would you like to hear, if you were to ask your teenager the question, “What do you like the best out of the way I parent you?”

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Week 2: CHARACTER

APPLICATION

In this week’s session Jon spoke about the importance of a “Foundation of Positive words.” In relation to this he talked about Mark 1:11 where God the Father affirms His Son Jesus from Heaven and says:

• You are my Son, (Affirming)

• Whom I love (Acceptance)

• With You I am well-pleased (Competence)

The goal this week is to take this model, and apply it in your dialogue with your teenager from this week forward. Look for opportunities for them to open up and share something that is important to them, and in your own words express your affirmation of them, your acceptance, and their competence in something. Rather than this being a once-off exercise try and develop a habit of encouraging your teenager in this way, and observe what impact it has on them and your relationship.

If you’re feeling particularly secure, as part of your conversation with them you could ask them the question “What do you like the most about the way I parent you?!”

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Notes

Week 2: CHARACTER

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Notes

Week 2: CHARACTER

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“Above all else, guard your heart,for everything you do flows from it.”

PROVERBS 4:23 NIV

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3Week 3: IDENTITY

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Week 3: IDENTITY

SUMMARY

To help parents see their teenagers develop a strong identity of who they are in Christ, through helping them with their self-esteem. The goal is to see our teens become confident so they will be well equipped to deal with the challenges of adolescence, such as peer pressure.

INTRO

Welcome to Week 3 of Parenting Teenagers. Over the last couple of weeks we have looked at the Topics of Relating to your teenager and Building character. The application for these two weeks has been to firstly spend some time one-on-one with your teenager, and secondly to be purposeful in your affirmation of them. We want to start this week by reviewing these actions and discussing our experience in trying to put these things into practice, and also feedback on what our teens responses were to their favourite aspect of your parenting. Did anyone get some interesting responses to that question?

[10 MINUTES]

Now we’ve reviewed the last couple of sessions, we’re ready to look at this week’s Topic entitled Identity, where we focus on developing self-esteem. Besides character, self-esteem is another essential quality which will help a young person navigate the challenges and temptations of life. Self-esteem is about having a healthy and accurate view of yourself. It describes a person’s confidence in their own worth, value, significance and abilities. The American psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers said that ‘a strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life.’ Self-esteem enables a young adult to maintain their moral character (which we discussed in the last session) in the face of powerful external pressures and not succumb to the judgment of others.

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Let’s watch this short video, where Kris Mikkelson is conversation with Jonathan Walters about how to develop self-esteem in a teenage child. Let’s watch this now.

[Session 3 video]

Week 3: IDENTITY

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Week 3: IDENTITY

DISCUSSION — POINTS TO TALK ABOUT

How good was that? Loads to talk about there, so let’s get into it right away:

• So what particularly stood out to you on today’s topic of identity and building self-esteem?

• Jon stated in the session that building self esteem defends our teenagers from the need to fit in. What experience have you had in seeing this behaviour, and how have you tried to manage this?

• Proverbs 15:1 and Ephesians 4:29 give us excellent advice on how to communicate with others. How is it we can communicate in a way that builds up our teenager’s sense of value and self-worth?

• How much do you agree with the statement that “How” we say something is as important as “What” we actually say.

• On average a person listens for a maximum of 17 seconds. How can we better improve our listening skills, so that our teenager feels valued and understood?

• Teenagers can seem to have a super-sensitive awareness of double standards and can often display a strong sense of justice. How can we as parents stay open, honest and authentic with our teenager?

• Admitting our past mistakes and faults, and accepting that we don’t always know the answer to everything is essential in building relationship with our teen and helping them with their own self-esteem. To what extent do you agree with this statement and what are the challenges with this?

• The main pressures for teenagers include casual sex, drugs, alcohol, the internet and social media. What boundaries do you think are appropriate for your children and how do you balance having clear expectations for them, whilst at the same time understanding that reducing rules and boundaries increases the level of trust that you share?

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Week 3: IDENTITY

• Considering the pressures facing your teenager at the moment how can we help guide them through correct responses? For example, could you rehearse certain scenarios and give them stock phrases to use?

• “Focus on the heart not the behavior.” How do we apply this principle?

• Jon talks about the importance that church and in particular Youth Ministry can play on bringing the gold out of our teenagers. How much of a priority is this to you and what opportunities do you have to get your teens more involved in church life?

• What are the challenges of getting your teenagers connected into Youth on Friday Nights and how as a Group can we facilitate this so our young people can be involved?

APPLICATION

This week’s topic was around the topic of Identity. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character” but Jon made mention in this week’s video that if you can get your teens around good people you’ll get the gold coming out. Our Youth Ministry is based around a mentorship model where Youth Leaders in the life of church come alongside parents to help develop a strong sense of identity, as they continue to grow in their faith.

This week’s application is to look at how we as parents can take steps to get our teenagers more connected into the life of our church. If your teen is not currently attending Youth on Friday nights, discuss with your spouse how you can make this happen. What are the potential sacrifices that you will have to make, and what are the long-term rewards?

If your teenager is already involved in our Youth Ministry, talk to their Youth Leader to discuss how they see your teen’s life developing and what steps you’d like to see them take moving forward.

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Notes

Week 3: IDENTITY

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Notes

Week 3: IDENTITY

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“Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;

they will bring you the delights you desire.”

PROVERBS 29:17 NIV

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4Week 4: BOUNDARIES

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Week 4: BOUNDARIES

SUMMARY

To encourage parents to understand the value of healthy boundaries and equip them to know how to set and enforce these boundaries.

INTRO

Welcome to Week 4 of the Parenting Teenagers Course. So far, in the last three weeks, we’ve talked about how Relationship is the foundation to great parenting, and how through that we can build Character and develop a great sense of Identity in our teenagers. Through speaking words of life and affirmation, we can set our teenager up for a win in adulthood.

Before we get into this week’s topic of Boundaries, we want you to feedback anything from our last session’s application where we were encouraged to take steps to getting our teens connected into our church’s dynamic Youth Ministry. What were some of the success stories there? And who would like to share from their experiences with that?

[5 MINUTES]

This week we turn our attention to setting boundaries for our teenager. In parenting, a boundary is a firm limit or expectation regarding behaviour. We agree in advance rewards and consequences for staying within or stepping over the boundary. Without firm limits on behaviour, the family home lacks the necessary structure in which a teenager feels safe and secure.

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Let’s now watch this week’s video in which Kris Mikkelson is again joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Robi Sonderegger.

[Session 4 video]

Week 4: BOUNDARIES

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Week 4: BOUNDARIES

DISCUSSION — POINTS TO TALK ABOUT

• Kris and Dr Robi opened today’s discussion talking about how discipline is not the same as punishment. To discipline means to train or correct. How can we discipline our teenager in such a way that they hear more than just the negative consequences of bad behaviour?

• When setting boundaries, why is it important to get their buy-in? How can we do this in practical terms?

• Think about what rules are appropriate for your teenager. What rules have you set in your home? Share your ideas with the rest of the group.

• What are age-appropriate boundaries and consequences for a teenager?

• Dr Robi mentioned that in the teenage years it’s not so much about justice and reprisal, as it’s about teaching them responsibility out of relationship. Agreed consequences can be an effective way of enforcing boundaries. How important is it to be consistent in this?

• What role should forgiveness play? If a teenager says sorry, does this cancel the need to enforce consequences?

• If there is conflict with a teenager, what is the best way to deal with this? Can anybody give an example? How can we correct a teenager without getting angry ourselves and why is this important? (Think about Dr Robi’s example of what would happen if you saw the referee in a football game losing his rag)

• In terms of setting boundaries, Dr Robi talked about the importance of including them in making the rules and having a say in what the consequences of not adhering to them should be, as they will be much more compliant when they’ve been involved. He also suggested that rather than having a Family Meeting this should be talked about one-on-one. How can you make this happen?

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Week 4: BOUNDARIES

APPLICATION

In this week’s session on Boundaries Dr Robi talked about the difference between discipline and punishment. He mentioned that in the teenage years there should be less focus on punishment and retribution, and that more focus on developing responsibility. As part of this he talked about setting boundaries based on family objectives, that everyone within the family contributes too.

Our application this week is to have the necessary discussions to see what our own personal family objectives look like. What are the things we want, and what are the things we don’t want? Remember, Dr Robi suggested not doing this in a Family Meeting-type setting, but rather having the conversations one-on-one, at the end of the bed.

This may take some time, and will not necessarily happen all in one conversation but our goal this week is to at least attempt to make a start on this. To be transparent you might want to ask them if they can help you with some homework that you have from your Parenting Teenager 101 Course, or you may decide to be a little bit more subtle.

If you already have family goals and objectives in place, review how you think these are going and discuss with your teenager each of your thoughts on how you think these are going.

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Notes

Week 4: BOUNDARIES

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Notes

Week 4: BOUNDARIES

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“My child, never forget the things I have taught you.

Store my commands in your heart.If you do this, you will live many years,

and your life will be satisfying.”PROVERBS 3: 1-2 NLT

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5Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

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Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

SUMMARY

To help empower parents with skills which encourage responsibility and healthy independence in their teenager, in order to see them set priorities that will last a lifetime.

INTRO

Welcome to Week 5 of the Parenting Teenagers Course. Over the last four weeks we have covered essential topics, including Relationship, Character, Identity, and Boundaries, and we hope you have enjoyed this. We have covered a good deal of ground together in the past four weeks and we hope you have gained a great deal from our journey together.

This week’s final topic is equally important – Independence. We’re talking “letting go.” Before we go there, let’s talk about feedback from last week’s application and have a general conversation about some of the highlights of the last few weeks and what principles you’ve been most inspired by.

[15 MINUTES]

As we saw last time around the responsibility to make wise choices lies solely with the child; but the responsibility to guide the child on what choices to make lies with the parent. As the teenager moves into young adulthood, there is less need for rules and by gradually reducing the restrictions, we are sending a strong signal that we trust our teenager and believe they have internalised the instructions we have given them throughout their childhood. Now is the time for us to begin letting go as they, and we, get ready for Independence. This can be a challenging season, because it can often give rise to strong emotions in us as parents.

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Let’s join Kris Mikkelson one last time as he discusses with Jonathan Walters the process of “letting go”.

[Session 5 video]

Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

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Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

DISCUSSION — POINTS TO TALK ABOUT

Wow! Another great week of conversation. Let’s dive straight into our discussion with the question:

• Responsibility is, literally, ‘response-ability’ (the ability to respond in every circumstance of life). How can we encourage our teenager to take greater responsibility? In what areas of life can we begin to give them more responsibility?

• Jon talked about as teenagers get older we steadily remove rules and give them more responsibility. As an example he stated “As a family we don’t do this, but on the rest we can have a conversation.” What rules do you think are important to keep?

• Kris tells a great story of pulling down a barn in a tractor, as a 17 year old. How important is it to allow our teenagers to make mistakes and why?

• Jon talked about when our teens make mistakes the importance of them “falling forward.” What does this mean and what are the benefits of showing them grace and allowing them a second chance?

• Kris mentioned Kalleigh’s parents always being available for her anytime, anywhere. What message would this send to a teenager and is it a principle that all parents should live by?

• Leading by example is essential in providing guidance and direction. How can we model Godly priorities that last a lifetime?

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Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

• What priorities should we set when it comes to Sundays? How can we make Sundays a ‘winner’ so that our teenager sees this day of the week as important in setting up the rest of the week?

• Kris asked Jon for practical tips on how we can better release our children when flying the nest and his response centred around the importance of praying over them and blessing them. What impact does prayer and blessing have on us as parents in this scenario?

• Jon mentioned that the German word for trust is linked to the words comfort and solace, meaning that when you put your trust in someone you yourself can find peace. How does this relate to you right now in where you’re at in the parenting of your teenager?

• Finally, what is one principle that you will take from this course and apply moving forward in the Parenting of your Teenager?

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Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

APPLICATION

This week we have focused on ‘letting go’. It is a vital stage in our parenting journey and sometimes, we can hold onto our teenager too long, ruling with an iron fist that builds resentment and makes them desperate to leave the family home. Control and domination, which we can sometimes justify as an act of love, is in fact based in fear and worry. How will our teenager make it in the big wide world? Will they mix with the right people? Who will they marry? Will they apply themselves to their studies? Will they make their bed? The antidote to worry is trust.

Our challenge this week is to consider how we might instil a greater sense of trust when it comes to our teenager, setting them up for the great future God has for them.

In our final week, as your application we want you to start off by having, as Gary would say, “A coffee with God.” Talk to Him about your teenager and what you’ve been inspired by during this course.

Then consider the following:

• What boundaries do you currently have in place that could be less strict, or now removed altogether in order to demonstrate trust to your teen?

• What areas of life do you feel your teenager could now be taking on more responsibility with?

• What areas of your family life could you give your teen more of a voice, when it comes to making decisions, e.g. choice of holiday destinations?

Discuss your thoughts with your teen at an appropriate time to see what their thoughts are on this. And then finally, once you’ve had this conversation arrange a day out with your teen to simply enjoy their company and build memories with them, whilst they are still living at home.

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Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

Notes

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Notes

Week 5: INDEPENDENCE

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Notes

Week 5: INDEPENDENCE