November 2016

What i s PACT?

PACT is an acronym that stands for Parents Ask Call Talk. The mission of PACT is to foster a culture of open communication - communication between parents and their chi ldren, among the parent community, and between parents and the school. This culture of open communication al lows our adolescent chi ldren to grow and exercise their independent decision-making

ski l ls whi le also maintaining a safe network of car ing and responsible adults to guide them.

At SAR High School, we believe that parent-chi ld communication is a developmental imperative. Ongoing dialogue between parents and their chi ldren should be open and honest sur rounding such developmental ly vi tal topics as drugs and alcohol, sexuali ty, and decision-making in general. This dialogue should include fr ank discussion of potential ly r isky behavior s and their consequences, as well as parents' values, expectations and l imits.

Open communication among parents w i l l often push parents beyond their comfor table l imits. This type of parent-to-parent communication entai ls r eaching out to other parents who you may not know well (yet), often despite protests from your chi ldren.

Lastly, when parents communicate openly w ith the school, this creates a mutually tr usting and suppor tive par tner ship.

PACT LEADERSHIP COMMITTEE

THE IMPORTANCE OF TRANSPARENCY IN BUILDING A HEALTHY SCHOOL CULTURE

PSYCHOLOGICAL TRANSPARENCY

DIVERSITY AND TRANSPARENCY

CLARIFYING YOUR VALUES AND OTHER CORE PARENTING PRINCIPLES

BEING TRANSPARENT WITH YOUR CHILD ABOUT YOUR VALUES

UN-FRAUGHTING THE FRAUGHT CONVERSATION

PACT CALENDAR

GLC CONTACT INFORMATION

MESSAGE FROM THE PACT TEAM

IN THIS ISSUE

Shar e your PACT

f eedback wit h us

RABBI TULLY HARCSZTARK

DR. RIVKA SCHWARTZ

DR. RUSSELL HOFFMAN

DR. MICHELLE HUMI

NURSE RUSSI BOHM

MR. MICHAEL COURTNEY

MS. CARI COHEN

LAYOUT & DESIGN: GILA KOLB

THE IMPORTANCE OF TRANSPARENCY IN BUILDING A HEALTHY SCHOOL CULTUREBy: Rabbi Tu l l y Har csztar k , Principal

Our ver y being is compr ised of thousands of decisions that each of us makes, decisions that dir ect and give shape to the l ives that, w i th God?s help, we bui ld for our selves and our fami l ies. These decisions r ange from the inconsequential to the extr emely signi f icant. And there is thought - of r anging degrees, to be sure - that goes into each of those decisions. But i t is impossible to ful ly anticipate the impact of our decisions on the l ives of other s. The greater the number of people affected by the decision, the more l ikely that someone w i l l disagree w ith or be negatively affected by the decision.

And that is cer tainly so in schools. A school day is compr ised of hundreds of pol icy,

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IMPORTANCE OF TRANSPARENCY

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educational and discipl inar y decisions that dir ectly impact the members of the school community. Think about a time when you were negatively impacted by the decision of another. Such moments can be exper ienced as an act of violence - although not physical, i t sti l l can r esult in a feel ing of being violated or victimized. Words, statements, pol icies or decisions that are communicated as fact, as conclusion, have blunt edges and cause pain on contact.

But hopeful ly, those decisions were in fact grounded in careful del iberation; a del iberation that considered, w ith honesty and integr i ty, the var ious sides of the question, the possible r esponses to the cir cumstance, the values that are in confl ict in the par ticular instance or the possible educational message one might want to del iver. When a teacher , administr ator , col league or fr iend shares the thought process that led to the decision or conclusion, he or she has the oppor tuni ty to explain the m any and var ied people, options and values that one needed to consider in making the decision. In shar ing the del i ber at i on along w i th the deci sion, two things happen. 1) The student or col league understands that the decision came from a place of deep concern for al l of the par ties involved and 2) that di f f icult questions have many sides that need to be brought into discussion w ith each other. The person is able to see that not l i k i ng or disagr eeing w ith a decision does not mean that i t is uncar ing or insensi tive. In fact, when the par ties engage di f f icult si tuations w ith tr ansparency, such si tuations can become deep learning exper iences for al l involved.

I am often asked by a faculty member how to deal w i th a challenging si tuation involving a student, parent or col league. ?What are you str uggling w ith?? The faculty member shares the var ious sides of the di lemma. And I r espond, ?Say that. Al l of i t!? Communicating the ful lness of your thought process is an essential par t of the decision making process.

We do not make the cor rect cal l one hundred percent of the time. But we can communicate thoughtfulness, car ing, honesty and integr i ty in ever y exchange, i f i t is impor tant to us. And that is the key to bui lding a healthy school culture.

(continued from pg. 1)

PSYCHOLOGICAL TRANSPARENCY By: Dr . Michel l e Hum i , School Psychologist

In this ar ticle, I would l ike to address two topics in psychological tr ansparency ? mental health tr ansparency and tr ansparency about our emotions.

Mental Health Transparency

When a family feels stigmatized by mental i l lness, fami ly members w i l l often times be too ashamed to obtain the ful l suppor t they may need in coping w ith their var ious issues. This is especial ly concerning where an adolescent str uggles w ith his/her thoughts, feel ings and/or emotions and is unable to r eceive the suppor t and empathy he/she may need. Transparency and openness r egarding the adolescent?s str uggles w i l l thereby enable the individual to obtain suppor t from his/her parents, community, school, and possibly outside provider s.

As a parent, you can create an open and tr ansparent environment by shar ing w ith your chi ldren your ow n emotional ups and dow ns or by discussing other fami ly members who may be str uggling w ith their ow n mental health issue. By doing so, you can create a space for your chi ld to talk about their feel ings and what they might be str uggling w ith. One of the best ways to get help for your chi ld?s mental health issues is to f i r st talk w ith them about how they are feel ing and what they feel they

are str uggling w ith.

As parents, we realize that talking w ith our chi ldren may not be enough. We know that sometimes outside

DIVERSITY AND TRANSPARENCYBy: Michael Cour tney, Director of College Counseling

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In a co-educational Modern Or thodox Jew ish day school, w i th over 500 students hai l ing from three states, four boroughs, and eight counties, there is inevi table var iation in how famil ies practice Modern Or thodoxy. Whi le SAR High School has expectations of how parents and chi ldren obser ve speci f ic mitzvot that are at the core of our r el igion, undoubtedly there is heterogeneity in how famil ies interpret halakha. As PACT committee leaders, we are hoping to insti l l the pr inciple that our community is a diver se one and even i f people disagree w ith the practices and beliefs of other s, students and parents should act in a r espectful way.

This can be seen in the classroom or the SAR hallways, where a poli tical debate should al low for r espectful discourse and patience in hear ing the opposing person's view points. One may have passionately-held and strongly-argued views, but the opposing view point should sti l l be heard w ith r espect.

On a r el igious level, students need to be equally compassionate w ith their peers and their pr ivate ways of practicing. I t is easy to judge another student i f their par ticular obser vance di f fer s; contrar i ly, i t can be di f f icult to r espect another per son's level of r el igiosi ty yet i t is absolutely necessar y to avoid being disparaging in order to maintain a strong, considerate, and open-minded SAR community. However , w i thout passing judgment on other fami l ies? practices, parents should also feel comfor table asking other parents about par ticular practices before their chi ldren visi t or stay w ith another fami ly. Scenar io: SAR Parent A should not feel abashed to ask SAR Parent B i f their fami ly goes to shul Fr iday night i f that is how their son or daughter is r aised. I f the answer is no, i t is f ine for Parent A to r equest, non-judgmental ly, that their chi ldren go to shul together on that par ticular Fr iday night. I t might get tr ickier on Shabbat afternoon i f a hosting family engages in r ecreational activi ty that the guest?s fami ly doesn?t par ticipate in on Shabbat; in that case, the host fami ly should modify their activi ties so that the guest does not have to be put in a compromising si tuation. There are, of course, plenty of other wholesome ways to spend Shabbat afternoon when fr iends gather together and thus the guest should not feel that they infr inged on the host's fun. These questions can ar ise in many si tuations, but when in doubt, i t is better to act on the more str ictly-obser vant side of the issue. And in concer t w i th obser ving halakhot to the ful lest, the fami ly whose practice is more str ingent should not be judgmental of the family whose obser vance is less so. Neither fami ly should feel that their r el igiosi ty and obser vance is a bar r ier to fr iendship w ithin the Modern Or thodox sphere. I t is impor tant for parents to ask other parents, w i th whom they are not fami l iar , about their r el igious standards. SAR community members should feel comfor table w ith one another ; picking up the telephone to become acquainted w ith the parents of your daughter s'/sons' fr iends is a major value that we encourage. We hope this routine becomes accepted by our hundreds of fami l ies so that we can develop a uni f ied high school community that tr anscends geographic borders.

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cl ar if y ing your val ues, and ot her cor e par ent ing pr incipl es

In her excellent formulation of how parents can best meet their chi ldren?s developmental needs, Deborah Roffman l ists f ive core elements of effective parenting: (1) aff i rmation, (2) information, (3) values clar i f ication, (4) l imit setting, and (5) anticipator y guidance. These f ive elements r epresent f ive core needs that chi ldren and adolescents need their parents to satisfy. Whi le al l f ive are vi tal to meeting the nur turance needs of our kids, I would l ike to highl ight one of them that is especial ly impor tant - and par ticular ly challenging - for adolescents: values clar i f ication. Par t of the developmental tr ajector y of adolescence involves cr i tical ly r eassessing and, sometimes, challenging the values of one?s parents. As teenagers mature and grow into adults, they often adopt these famil iar values and ow n them in a new ly autonomous, adult manner. Sometimes, they r eject or amend the values of their upbr inging. Because of this developmental r eal i ty, expressing, clar i fying and enfor cing our values as parents can often be a di f f icult and contentious aspect of parenting our teenage chi ldren.

Despite the challenging nature of values clar i f ication, i t is a crucial element of parenting. Indeed, as Ms. Roffman indicates, i t is a core need of our adolescent chi ldren. However much teenagers might challenge the values and l imits of their parents (and teachers), they need us to have those values and to share, clar i fy and personalize them. Even though most teenagers w i l l never admit i t (or at least won?t admit i t unti l they?re adults themselves and are

parenting their ow n kids), their parents? values contr ibute to the substance and stabi l i ty of their wor ld view. Hence, even i f i t occasionally foments some confl ict, parents must convey their values to their chi ldren.

Of course, before parents can clar i fy their values for their chi ldren, they must f i r st clar i fy their values for themselves. This means analyzing their ow n values and belief systems and thinking about how best to ar ticulate them for an adolescent audience. I t often means col laborating w ith your co-parent (or , in the tr ue spir i t of PACT, w ith other parents in your community) to r ef ine your message. I t also means proactively anticipating their chi ldren?s questions and challenges and being prepared to explain, clar i fy and defend their values in a calm and non-reactive manner. One impor tant element of calmly clar i fying and reinfor cing your values comes from another one of Ms. Roffman?s core parenting components, namely val idation. When parents r emember that i t is developmental ly appropr iate for their teenage chi ldren to challenge their values, they can val idate and accept this impulse of their chi ldren. This can help parents to r emain objective, to not take their chi ldren?s challenging stance too personally, and to calmly stay tr ue to their values.

Another impor tant consideration for parents to take into account is the di f ference between beliefs and behavior s.

Being t r anspar ent wit h your chil d about your val ues

As parents, we want our kids to be happy, to be successful--but most fundamental ly, we want our chi ldren to learn, internalize, and practice our values. And yet we don?t always f ind ways to address that which is most impor tant to us. We talk to our teenagers ever y day, but the r eal i ty of the r hythms of our l ives is that many of those conversations are purely tr ansactional--?what time do I have to pick you up?? ?where are my sneakers?? Even when we have conversations that address more substantive issues, our day-to-day conversations don?t necessar i ly get to the deepest questions of our values as parents and famil ies. And yet w ithout our expressing those values clear ly, we can?t expect that our chi ldren w i l l just pick them up in the air.

When i t comes to the big issues in teenagers? l ives--r elationships, sexuali ty, substances, r el igious obser vance--i t is vi tal ly impor tant that we make time and space for these conversations to happen. Teenagers need to hear clear ly from their parents what their parents? values around these issues are. We may think that our teenagers aren?t l istening to us, but r esearch is clear that parents are the greatest shapers of their chi ldren?s values--more

By: Dr . Russel l Hof fm an, School Psychologist

By: Car i Cohen, Assistant Director of College Counseling

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UN- FRAUGHTING THE FRAUGHT CONVERSATIONBy: Dr . Rivka Schwar tz, Associate Principal, General Studies

The canonical PACT conversation is one in which a parent cal ls up another parent to f ind out about plans for a gather ing--what w i l l the kids be doing? Wil l there be adult super vision? How many kids w i l l be there? Mr. Michael Cour tney, in his ar ticle in this newsletter , suggests another such conversation, around rel igious obser vance and expectations when students visi t each other?s homes.

Some of you have to be r eading this and thinking, ?Sure. Easy enough for you to say. Call up another parent, whom you may not know , and ask awkward questions that seem to imply that they might not be doing a good job. How am I supposed to do that?? Indeed, some of us on the PACT committee are parents of teenagers, have made those cal ls, and know just how awkward they can be. But there are ways we can approach them as a community that can make i t easier.

The f i r st is to create a culture that routinizes and normalizes these conversations. The more these cal ls get made, the more they become just standard, not an implied judgment about someone else?s parenting and rel igiosi ty. This is indeed the point of the enti r e PACT under taking--to create a culture in which these conversations are expected on both sides, and therefore the awkwardness is dissipated. I f ever yone cal ls and asks, then cal l ing and asking means that we?re par ticipants in PACT culture, not that I?m questioning your parenting.

The second is harder , because i t r equir es not just a community of making phone cal ls, but a community of tr ust. The cal ler has to be able to tr ust that the questions w i l l be r eceived in a generous spir i t as being about r esponsibi l i ty, not suspicion. The parent being cal led has to be able to tr ust that their answers about their standards and expectations w i l l be used to f ind appropr iate common ground, not to judge their r el igiosi ty or parenting. We are di f ferent fami l ies, w i th di f ferent parenting practices, di f ferent values, di f ferent behavioral norms, and di f ferent halakhic standards. We have to be able to talk about those di f ferences w ithout judging others, and w ithout leaping to assume to that we are being judged ourselves.

We can?t dictate that other people tr ust us this way. But we can engender this tr ust in other s by practicing i t our selves. I f another parent makes a ?PACT call?, we can make sure that we respond w ith openness, and indeed appreciation, even i f the question is a sensi tive one. Don?t assume that someone is judging your decisions or practices--star t from the tr usting assumption that they?re tr ying to fulf i l l the goals of PACT, and proceed from there. I f you are the parent placing the cal l , don?t be hesi tant because you?re wor r ied about appear ing suspicious or judgmental. Trust that the parent you?re cal l ing is as committed to PACT goals as you are, and w i l l r eceive your phone cal l in that spir i t.

We al l acknow ledge that these cal ls are impor tant, and that this communication helps shape our community in posi tive ways. I t?s just that we?re afr aid that they w i l l be awkward and di f f icult, or not well-r eceived. I f we commit to approaching them in a posture of tr ust to our fel low -parents, operating in confidence that that tr ust w i l l be r eciprocated, we can help create a safer , more tr ansparent SAR community.

help may be necessar y. However , we may be hesi tant to seek that help from our chi ld?s school or outside provider s because of the perceived stigma sur rounding the topic. By creating a more tr ansparent environment at home where emotions, feel ings and mental health are acknow ledged and discussed, we are sending a message that mental health issues are not a sign of weakness or something we should be embar rassed about seeking help for.

Parents would never feel embar rassed or ashamed to take their chi ld to the doctor for a broken leg, or ashamed to cal l the school nur se to ask for an

elevator pass. Parents should feel simi lar ly open when dealing w ith their chi ld?s mental health str uggles. Parents should fr eely seek out r ecommendations for psychologists. And parents should be tr ansparent and open w ith their chi ld?s school r egarding their chi ld?s emotional di f f iculties so the school can appropr iately suppor t them.

Emotional Transparency

Emotional Transparency concerns acknow ledging our emotions and the emotions of our chi ld. Running away or dismissing our feel ings, instead of embracing them, is something we as parents may be unconsciously doing. This is tr ue w ith r espect to our selves and our teenagers.

When discussing this issue, I always mention the old adage of ?you get what you get and you don?t get upset?. What we are saying to our chi ldren when we use this phrase is that our chi ldren should be grateful for what they have and that they should not get upset because they did not get ever ything they wanted. Whi le this phrase can present a great lesson in grati tude i t can also be dismissive of the angr y feel ing a chi ld may be exper iencing because he/she feels sl ighted. Transparency in this case would include being honest w ith your chi ld about your

feel ings in that moment and for the chi ld to acknow ledge their feel ings about not getting what they wanted. I t is not only about al low ing our chi ldren to be angr y and upset but also actually acknow ledging and embracing the fact that they may be feel ing this way.

Acknow ledging your tr ue feel ings comes up in var ieties of ways when we interact w i th our chi ldren. For example, our chi ld may be scared of getting shots from the doctor. We as parents instinctively tel l them that ?i t won?t hur t?, ?i t?s a l i ttle pinch?, ?you won?t even feel i t?. Perhaps a better approach is to be more tr ansparent and acknow ledge that the shot might hur t. In doing so you w i l l help your chi ld feel val idated, more safe and perhaps cause your chi ld?s fr ight to dissipate. Yet another example of where we can embrace our chi ld?s emotions is where our chi ld earns a bad grade, or fai ls to get into the col lege he/she wanted. Acknow ledging that they are upset and disappointed may help to lessen the hur t.

By acknow ledging negative emotions we can teach adolescents how to become more r esi l ient. This is equally tr ue for posi tive emotions. For example, a chi ld who rarely gets invi ted to spend Shabbat at someone else?s home may feel ecstatic when he/she gets invi ted to spend Shabbat w ith a fr iend. As parents, we should be tr ansparent and recognize the good feel ing the chi ld is feel ing. Being tr ansparent about posi tive and negative feel ings can actually have posi tive effects and can help adolescents become more r esi l ient.

psychol ogical

t r anspar ency

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(continued from p. 2)

On November 1st, more than f i f ty parents attended a 10th grade PACT parent evening discussing the Beit Midrash and health cur r icula on sexuali ty. Bei t Midrash discussion groups led by faculty introduced parents to some of the sources used to teach students about Jew ish sexual ethics, and encouraged parents to discuss their values around sexuali ty dir ectly w ith their chi ldren. A presentation by Dr. Russell Hoffman and Dr. Michelle Humi explained the content of the Health cur r iculum, and shared psychological ly- and developmental ly-appropr iate ways to address posi tive decision-making w ith teenagers. Parents were presented w ith scenar ios that fr equently ar ise, and asked to think about how they would address them, which yielded a l ively conversation. The PACT evening helped reinfor ce that school and parents work together to inculcate values in and suppor t healthy behavior by our chi ldren.

pact t ent h gr ade par ent pr ogr am

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(continued from p. 4)

Clar i fying your values for your teenage chi ldren is just that - i t?s clar i fying your values. That is not the same thing as for cing your teenagers to bel ieve in your values too, or necessar i ly tr ying to convince them of the r ightness of your values. Your chi ldren don?t have to immediately or wholly share your values, but they should understand what they are and what they mean to you. Their behavior , on the other hand, should be guided by the l imits you set for them as their parents. (Yes, that?s l imit-setting, another of Ms. Roffman?s core parenting pr inciples.) I t can help parents to aff i rm and val idate their teenage chi ldren?s independent thinking to distinguish between their values and their behavior. When parents can val idate their chi ldren?s r ight to their ow n beliefs, i t can open up the l ines of communication and create a dialogue rather than a diatr ibe. I t helps teenagers to l isten when they feel heard.

Lastly, even when parents and teenagers have a confl ict of values, they can sti l l , hopeful ly, agree on some higher ideals. One concrete example of this is the commonly contested issue of teenage dr inking. Let?s consider how Ms. Roffman?s f ive core pr inciples might inform parents? approach to this tr icky issue. Parents can val idate their teenage chi ldren?s interest in dr inking alcohol and can aff i rm their desir e to social ize w ith their peers. Parents can provide information about the r isks involved in adolescent use of alcohol. Parents can thoughtful ly clar i fy their values on the topic of underage dr inking. Parents can set clear , author i tative l imits about their expectations of their chi ldren?s behavior and the consequences for fai l ing to r espect those l imits. Parents can proactively coach their chi ldren about how to handle potential si tuations, such as what to do i f they f ind themselves in a si tuation that involves alcohol. And parents can clar i fy for their teenagers that i f they ever do fol low their ow n values and defy parental l imits and f ind themselves in a si tuation that is uncomfor table or unsafe, the higher , shared value of protecting their health and welfare should predominate. This means that in such a si tuation, teenagers can ask for help, and their parents? immediate r esponse should be to praise and suppor t that gesture and provide the help they need. This approach can convey other parental values, such as honor ing when teenagers are w ise enough to acknow ledge that they have made a mistake and/or need some assistance or guidance.

than peers, school, or media. Even when you think chi ldren aren?t l istening to you, they are taking in what you say.

That know ledge should give you confidence as a parent to have these conversations. Your guidance to your chi ldren is essential because i t?s coming from you as the parent. Don?t wor r y about not being the content exper t. I f you haven?t worked out al l of the answers to some of their questions--?Why is i t our r el igious value to? ?? ?What?s so bad about? ??--that can be a spur to fur ther conversation.

One par ticular challenge in having these conversations is teenagers? perennial question: ?What did you do when you were my age?? That can be a question about r el igious practices, or substances, or sexuali ty. I f the things you did as a teenager don?t al ign w ith your values now , or w ith what you?re tr ying to teach your chi ld, you can f ind yourself doing some really fancy footwork. Possible approaches might include explaining to your chi ld why you think now that the choice you made then was a mistake, or what consequences that choice had for you. I f your r el igious commitment has changed over the course of your l i fe, you might want to explain to your chi ld how you came to identi fy w ith the values that shape your l i fe now. Since these questions are predictable, you can plan for how you might approach them before having a conversation w ith your chi ld.

As parents, the most impor tant thing we can convey to our chi ldren is our values, and what sor t of people we would l ike them to be. And despite their seeming preoccupied and disengaged, our kids want to connect to us (granted, at their convenience.) Our values are the greatest for ce in shaping their s, and that makes i t so impor tant that we are tr ansparent in shar ing w ith them what those values are.

(continued from p. 4)

cl ar if y ing your val ues, and ot her cor e par ent ing pr incipl es

Being t r anspar ent wit h your chil d about your val ues

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GRADE LEVEL COORDINATOR

9 Ms. Shoshana Chanales

schanales@sarhighschool.org

Dr. Hil lel Broder

hbroder@sarhighschool.org

10 Ms. Gloria Schneider

gschneider@sarhighschool.org

11 Ms. Lisa Birnbaum

lbirnbaum@sarhighschool.org

Ms. Michel le Hochmhoch@sarhighschool.org

12 Ms. Al icia Germano agermano@sarhighschool.org

Ms. Shul i Taubes staubes@sarhighschool.org

GLC CONTACT INFORMATION

PACT cal endar

- Tuesday, Novem ber 29 Ninth Grade Parent PACT

Program

- Tuesday, Decem ber 13 Twelfth Grade Parent PACT

Program

- Thursday, February 23 Eleventh Grade Student &

Parent PACT Program

It 's not just what you learn. It 's who you become.

SAR High School 503 West 259 Street, Riverdale, NY 10471

718.548.2727 www.sarhighschool.org