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TRANSCRIPT
T7
O
N,I
OD
rJL
T
EX
TS
FO
R W
RIT
ER
S
of b
lack
Arn
eric
ans
ro s
eize
loca
l enr
repr
eneu
rial
oppo
rtun
ities
is
co fa
ilto
acc
ept o
ur r
ole
as le
acle
rs of
our
ow
n co
mrn
trni
ty.
Not
to
der
nand
thar
eac
h m
embe
r of
the
bla
ck c
c-rm
mun
ity a
ccep
t ind
ivid
ual
resp
on-
sibi
lity
for
her
or h
is b
ehav
ior -
w
heth
er t
hat
beha
vior
ass
ulne
s the
form
of
blac
k-on
'bla
ck h
orni
cide
, gan
g m
ernb
ers
viol
atin
s th
e sa
nctit
yof
the
cht
rrch
, Lr
npro
tect
ed s
exua
l ac
dvity
, gan
gste
r ra
p ly
rics,
wha
t-ev
er -
is fo
r us
to f
unct
ion
rler
ely
as e
thni
c ch
eerl
eade
rs se
lling
woo
ftic
kers
fror
n ca
lnpu
s or
sr.
rbur
bs, ra
ther
tha
r-r s
ayin
g th
e di
lficu
lt th
ings
rhar
mey
be
unpo
pula
r w
ith o
ur f
ello
ws.
Bei
ng a
lead
er d
oes
not
nece
s-sa
rily
rnee
n be
ir-rg
love
d; lo
ving
one
's co
mm
unity
ln
eans
dar
ing
to r
isk
esrr
ange
lrrer
-rr an
d al
iena
tion
fi'om
ir
in c
he s
hclrc
rttn
in
orde
r to
bre
akth
e cy
cle
of p
ovcr
ty a
nd d
espa
ir in
whi
ch w
e fin
d ou
rsel
ves,
over
the
long
run
. Fo
r w
hat
is a
t st
ake
is n
othi
ng l
ess t
l-ra
n rhe
sur
viva
l of
our
coLr
lltr y
, a nd
rl-r
e Afi
ican
- Atn
e ric
an p
'teop
le th
etn
selv
es.
Thos
c of
us
on c
arnp
us ca
n al
so re
ach
ollt
ro r
hose
of
us le
ft b
ehin
don
rhe
str
eers
. l}e
hist
oric
ally
bla
ck c
olle
ges a
nd u
nive
rsiti
es a
nd A
fro-
Arn
eric
an
Sru
dics
.-le
parr
men
ts ir
-r ti
-ris
cou
r-rt
ry c
an i
r-rs
titut
iona
lize
soph
orno
re :r
nd ju
nior
ye
:rr i
nrer
nshi
ps f
or c
omm
unity
de
velo
prne
nrrlr
roug
h or
ga.n
izat
ions
such
as
the
Chi
ldre
ns
Def
ense
Ftr
nd. T
oget
her
we
can
com
bat
teen
age
preg
nanc
ies,
bla
ck-o
n-bl
ack
crim
e, a
nd t
hesp
read
of A
IDS
ir
orn
drug
abu
se an
d Ll
llpro
tect
ed se
xr,r
al rela
tions
, and
corr
nter
the
spre
ad o
f de
spai
r an
d ho
pele
ssne
ss in
our
cou
rtnu
uitie
s.D
r. K
ing
did
not
die
so th
at h
alf o
f us
wou
ld r
nake
it, h
alf o
f us
per
ish,
fore
ver
rarn
ishi
r-rg
two
cent
urie
s of
agi
tatio
n fo
r ou
r eq
ual r
ight
s. W
e,th
e m
embc
rs o
f ch
e Tal
ente
d Te
nth,
rnL
rst a
ccep
r our
his
tori
cal r
espo
n-si
bilit
y an
d liv
e D
r. K
ings
cre
cJo th
at n
one
oFus
is fr
ee u
ntil
all o
f us
are
free
. And
rha
r all
of u
s ar
e br
othe
rs a
nd s
iste
rs, a
s Dr.
Kin
g sa
id s
o lo
ngag
o -
whi
re a
nd b
l:rck
, Pro
test
ant
and
Cac
lrolic
, Ger
-rtil
e and
Jew
and
Mtr
slir
n, ri
ch a
nd p
oor
- ev
en if
we
are
not
brot
hers
-in-
law
.
Tim
O'B
rien
On
the R
ainy
Riv
er
Tim
O'B
rien
was
born
in 1
946 i
n Aus
tin,
Min
neso
ta, to a
n ins
uran
cesa
lesm
an an
d an
ele
men
tary
sc
hool
teac
her.
Bot
h of h
is p
aren
tsw
ere v
eter
?flS
: his f
athe
r had
bee
n in
the
Nav
y in
lwo J
ima a
ndO
kina
wa du
ring
Wor
ld W
ar ll,
and
his m
othe
r had
serv
ed wit
h the
WA
VE
S (W
omen
Acc
epte
d for V
olun
teer
Em
erge
ncy S
ervi
ce).
As a
chil
d, O
'Bri
en sp
ent ti
me r
eadi
ng in th
e cou
nty lr
brar
y,
lear
ning
to
perf
orm
mag
ic tric
ks, an
d pla
ying
base
ball (h
is firs
t pie
ce of
fict
ion
was
calle
d "T
imm
y of t
he Li
ttle
Leag
ue")
.O
'Bri
en at
tend
ed Mac
ales
ter Col
lege
in S
aint
Pau
l, M
inne
sota
,m
ajor
ing in
pol
itic
al sc
ienc
e.
Whe
n he g
radu
ated
in
196
8, he
hope
dto
join
the S
tate
Dep
artm
ent as
a di
plom
at-b
ut in
stea
d,
just
wee
ksaf
ter g
radu
atio
n,
he w
as dr
afte
d into
the A
rmy.
O'B
rien
near
ly fled
toC
anad
a:
duri
ng hi
s tra
inin
g in F
ort L
ewis
, Was
hing
ton,
he
pla
nned
to d
eser
t, bu
t he
wen
t onl
y as f
ar a
s S
eatt
le be
fore
turn
ing b
ack.
In 1
969,
at th
e ag
e of 2
2, h
e w
ent to
Qua
ng Nga
i, Vie
tnam
, firs
tas
a ri
flem
an an
d lat
er as
a ra
dio te
leph
one op
erat
or
and c
lerk
. He
com
plet
ed
a 13
-mon
th tour
of d
uty,
earn
ing a
Pur
ple H
eart
and a
Bro
nze S
tar.
Aft
er hi
s ret
urn to
the U
nite
d Sta
tes in
197
0, O
'Bri
en en
rolle
d inH
arva
rd's
do
ctor
al prog
ram
in g
over
nmen
t and s
pent
his s
umm
ers
wor
king
as a
n in
tern
for t
he W
ashr
ngto
n Pos
t. H
e be
cam
e a fu
ll-ti
me n
atio
nal af
fair
s repo
rter
, cove
ring
S
enat
e hea
nngs
an
d pol
itic
alev
ents
. Sev
eral
year
s late
r, O'B
rien
left
both
his g
radu
ate w
ork a
ndhi
s job
at th
e P
osf to
pur
sue a
car
eer as
a w
rite
r. ln
a m
emoi
r, se
ven
nove
ls, an
d man
y sho
rt st
orie
s, O'B
rien
has e
xplo
red th
e qu
esti
onof
mor
al re
spon
sibi
lity:
W
ho is
resp
onsi
ble for t
he 58
,000
Am
eric
anso
ldie
rs
and m
ore t
han a
mill
ion V
ietn
ames
e peop
le kille
d in
batt
lebe
twee
n 196
5 and
1975
?"O
n the
Rai
ny Riv
er" d
escr
ibes
a
youn
g man
who
has t
o ch
oose
betw
een go
ing t
o V
ietn
am an
d fle
eing
to C
anad
a to e
vade
the d
raft
.H
e bl
ames
the
war
on e
very
one-
the p
resi
dent
, the
join
t chi
efs
of s
taff
, the
knee
-jer
k patr
iots
in h
is h
omet
own-
but u
ltim
atel
v
17I
17
2
Mo
DE
L T
EX
TS
Fo
R w
RT
TE
RS
take
s his
pla
ce am
ong th
em, c
hoos
ing to
go
to w
ar. H
is de
cisi
onpr
ecip
itate
s the e
vent
s of t
he b
ook,
The T
hing
s The
y Car
ried,
just
asO
'Bri
en's
own c
onfli
cted
deci
sion
to g
o to
war
set t
he co
urse
of h
islif
e, firs
t as a
sol
dier
and t
hen a
s a w
rite
r.Th
e Thi
ngs T
hey C
arrie
d (199
0) w
as a
final
ist fo
r bot
h the
Pul
itzer
Pri
ze an
d the
Nat
iona
l Boo
k Cri
tics
Cir
cle A
war
d. O'B
rien
's othe
rsi
gnifi
cant
book
s incl
ude l
f I D
ie in
a C
omba
t Zone
, Box
Me
Up a
ndS
hip M
e H
ome (
1973
), G
oing
afte
r Cac
ciat
o (I9
78),
The
Nuc
lear
Age
(I98
5), a
nd ln
the L
ake o
f the
Woo
ds (199
4). T
im O
'Bri
en liv
esin
Tex
as with
his w
ife an
d son
. He t
each
es crea
tive w
ritin
g at T
exas
Sta
te U
nive
rsitv
.
f hi
s is
one
stor
y I'v
e ne
ver r
old
befo
re. N
ot t
o an
yone
. Not
to
my
I pa
rent
s, no
t to
my
brot
her o
r si
ster
, not
eve
n to
my
wife
, To
goin
ro it
, I'v
e al
way
s tho
ught
, wou
ld o
nly
caus
e em
barr
assm
enr fo
r all
ofus
, a s
udde
n nee
d to
be e
lsew
here
, whi
ch is
che
natu
ral r
espo
nse t
o a
conf
essi
on. E
ven n
ow I
'll a
drni
t, the
sto
ry m
akes
me
squi
rm, F
or m
ore
than
twen
ty y
ears
I've
had
to li
ve w
irh ir
, fee
ling r
he s
ham
e, rr
ying
ropu
slr f
t aw
ay, an
d so
by
this
act
of r
emem
bran
ce, by
put
ting
the
fact
sdo
wn
on p
aper
, I'm h
opin
g to
relie
ve at
leas
t som
e of t
he pr
essu
re on
my
drea
ms.
Sdl
l, it'
s :r h
ard
stor
y to
tell.
All
of u
s, I
supp
ose,
like
to b
elie
veth
at in
a m
oral
em
erge
ncy w
e w
ill b
ehav
e like
the
hero
es of
our
you
th,
brav
ely a
nd fo
rthr
ight
ly, w
ithou
t th
ough
t of p
erso
nal lo
ss or
dis
cred
it.C
erca
inly
chac
was
my
conv
icci
on ba
ck in
the
sur
nmer
of 1
968.
Tim
O'B
rien:
a se
cret
hero
. The
Lon
e R
ange
r. If
the
stak
es ev
er be
cam
e hig
hen
ough
- if
the e
vil w
ere e
vil e
noug
h, if
the g
ood w
ere g
ood e
noug
h -
Iw
ould
sim
ply A
p a
secr
et re
serv
oir o
f cou
rage
that
had
been
accu
mul
at-
ing
insi
de m
e ov
er th
e ye
ars.
Cou
rage
, I se
emed
to th
ink,
com
es to
us i
n6n
ite q
uant
ities
, like
an in
herit
ance
, and
by b
eing
frug
al an
d st
ashi
ng it
away
and
letti
ng it
ear
n int
eres
t, we
stea
dily
incr
ease
our m
oral
cap
ital
in p
''rsp
2l"x
tion fo
r tha
t day
whe
n th
e ac
coun
t mus
t be
draw
n do
wn.
Itw
as a
com
fort
ing
tl-re
ory.
It di
spen
sed w
ith a
ll th
ose b
othe
rsom
e litt
leac
cs of
dai
ly co
urag
e; it
offe
red h
ope
and
grac
e ro
the
repe
titiv
e cow
ard;
it ju
stifi
ed th
e pa
st w
hile
am
ortiz
ing t
he fu
ture
.In
June
of 7
968,
a mon
th a
frcr
grad
uatin
g from
Mac
ales
cer C
olle
ge,I
was
draf
ted t
o 6g
ht a
war
I ha
ted'
I was
twen
ty-o
ne ye
ars o
ld. Y
oung
,yes
,an
d po
litic
ally
naiv
e, bu
t eve
n so t
he A
mer
ican
war
in V
ietn
am s
eem
ed
O'B
rie
n *
On
rh
e R
ain
y R
ive
r I7
3
ro m
e wro
ng. C
erta
in bl
ood
was
bein
g she
d for
unc
erra
in re
ason
s. I s
awno
uni
ry o
f pur
pose
, no c
onse
nsus
on m
arre
rs of
phi
loso
phy o
r his
tory
or la
w. T
he ve
ry fa
cts w
ere s
hrou
ded i
n un
cerr
aint
y: W
as ir
a ci
vil w
ar?
A w
ar o
f nat
iona
l libe
rario
r-r or
sim
ple a
ggre
ssio
ni W
ho s
tart
ed it,
and
whe
n, an
d why
i Wha
t re
alLy
happ
ened
ro rh
e llS
S M
addo
x on
that
dar
kni
ght i
n th
e G
ulf
of T
onki
ni W
as H
o C
hi M
inh
a C
omm
unis
r sto
oge,
or a
nat
iona
list s
avio
r, or
bot
h, o
r ne
ither
i Wha
t ab
our t
he G
enev
aA
ccor
dsi W
hat
abou
t SE
ATO
and
rhe C
old
War
i Wha
r ab
out d
omi-
noes
i Am
eric
a was
divi
ded o
n th
ese a
nd a
thou
sand
orhe
r iss
ues,
and
the
deba
te ha
d sp
illed
out a
cros
s the
floor
of t
he U
nite
d S
rare
s Sen
ate
and
into
the
stre
ers,
and
smar
r men
in p
insr
ripes
coul
d no
t agr
ee on
even
the
rnos
r fund
amen
tal rn
acte
rs of p
ublic
pol
icy.
The
only
cer
rain
cyth
at s
umm
er w
as m
oral
con
fusi
on. It
was
my
view
then
, and
stil
l is,
that
you
don
't rn
ake w
ar w
ithou
t kno
win
g w
hy. K
now
ledg
e, of
cou
rse,
is a
lway
s impe
rfec
t, but
it s
eem
ed ro
me
thar
whe
n a
nario
n goe
s ro
war
ir rn
ust h
ave r
easo
nabl
e con
fiden
ce in
the j
r-rs
tice a
nd im
pera
tive o
f irs
caus
e. You
can'
t fix y
our m
isra
kes.
Onc
e peo
ple a
re de
ad, y
ou ca
nr m
ake
rher
n und
ead.
In a
ny c
ase r
hose
wer
e m
y co
nvic
rions
, and
bac
k in
col
lege
I ha
dta
ken
a m
odes
r sra
nd a
gain
st rh
e w
ar. N
orhi
ng r
adic
al, n
o ho
rhea
dsc
ufl j
ust
ringi
ng a
few
doo
rbel
ls fo
r G
ene
McC
arrh
y, co
mpo
sing
afe
w te
diou
s, un
insp
ired
ediro
rials
for
che
cam
pus n
ewsp
aper
. Odd
ly,
thou
gh, i
t w
as a
lmos
r enr
irely
an in
relle
ctua
l acr
ivity
. I br
ough
r som
een
ergy
ro it
, of c
ours
e, bu
r ir
was
rhe
ener
gy th
at a
ccom
pani
es alm
ost
any
abst
ract
ende
avor
; I fe
lt no
per
sona
l dan
ger,
I fe
lt no
sen
se of
an
irnpe
ndin
g cris
is in
my
life.
Sru
pidl
y, w
irh a
kind
of s
mug
rem
oval
that
Ica
nt b
egin
to fa
rllom
, I as
sum
ed rh
ar rh
e pro
blem
s of k
illin
g an
d dy
ing
did
not f
all w
irhin
my
spec
ial pr
ovin
ce.
The
draf
t not
ice a
rriv
ed on
June
17,1
968.
Ir w
as a
hum
id a
frer
noon
,I
rem
embe
a clo
udy a
nd ve
ry qu
iec,
and
Id ju
sr c
onle
in fr
om a
roun
dof
gol
f. M
y m
othe
r and
farh
er w
ere
havi
ng lu
nch
our i
n th
e ki
tche
n.I
rem
embe
r ope
ning
up
the
lette
r, sc
anni
ng th
e fir
sr fe
w li
nes,
feel
ing
rhe b
lood
go
rhic
k be
hind
my
eyes
. I re
mem
ber a
soun
d in
my
head
. Itw
asnt
rhin
king
, jusr
a s
ilenr
horv
l. A m
illio
n rh
ings
all a
r onc
e -
I was
rco
good
for
rl-ris
war
. Too
sffr
arc,
too
com
pass
iona
te, to
o ev
eryt
hing
.It
coul
dn't h
appe
n. I
was
abo
ve it.
I ha
d th
e w
orld
dic
ked -
P
hi B
era
Kap
pa an
d su
mm
a cum
laud
e and
pre
side
nt of
rhe s
rude
nr bo
dy a
nd a
Full-
ride s
chol
arsh
ip fo
r gra
d stu
dies
at H
arva
rd. A
mis
take
, may
be -
a
1,74
MoD
EL T
EX
Ts F
oR w
Rrr
ER
S
foul
-up
in th
e pa
perw
ork.
I was
no s
oldi
er. I
hace
d Boy
Sco
uts.
I hat
edca
mpi
ng ou
t. I h
ated
dirt
and
tent
s and
mos
quiro
es. Th
e si
ght o
f blo
odm
ade
me
quea
sy, an
d I
coul
dn'r t
oler
are a
utho
rity,
and
I di
dn't
know
a rif
le fr
om a
slin
gsho
t. I w
as a
libe
r,tl,
for
Chr
ist s
ake:
If rh
ey n
eede
dfr
esh b
odie
s, w
l-ry n
ot d
raft
som
e bac
k-to
-rhe
-sro
ne-a
ge
haw
ki O
r so
me
dum
b jin
go in
his
har
d ha
r and
Bor
nb H
anoi
bur
ron,
or o
ne o
f LB
Jspr
etty
dau
ghre
rs, or
Wes
rmor
elan
d's w
hole
han
dsom
e fam
ily -
neph
-ew
s and
nie
ces a
nd b
aby g
rand
son.
Ther
e sho
uld b
e a
law
I th
ough
t. If
you
supp
ort a
war
, if y
ou th
ink
ir's w
orth
rhe
pric
e, rh
at's
fine,
bur y
ouha
ve to
Put
you
r ow
n pr
ecio
us flu
ids o
n rh
e lin
e. Y
ou h
ave t
o he
ad fo
rth
e fr
ont a
nd h
ook
up w
ith a
n in
fant
ry u
nir
ar-r
d hel
p sp
ill th
e bl
ood.
A'd
yo
u ha
ve ro
brin
g al
ong y
our w
ife, o
r ),
our k
ids,
or y
our l
over
. Ala
w,I
thou
ghr.
s I
rem
embe
r rhe
rage
in m
y sr
omac
h. La
ter i
r bu
rned
dow
n to
asn
rold
erin
g sel
f-pi
ty, rh
en to
num
bnes
s. Ar
dinn
er rh
at n
ighr
my
fath
eras
ked w
hat m
y pl
ans w
ere.
"Nor
hing
," I s
aid.
" Wai
t."
I spc
nr rh
e sur
nmer
of i9
68 u
'ork
ing i
n an
Arm
our r
near
-pac
king
pl
ant
ir-r rn
y ho
mer
o'uv
n of
Wor
rhin
gton
, Min
neso
ra. T
he p
lanr
spe
cial
ized
in p
ork
prod
ucts
, and
for e
ighr
hour
s a
day I
sro
od on
a q
uarr
er-m
ileas
sem
bly li
ne -
mor
e pr
oper
ly, a
dis
asse
mbl
y line
- re
mov
ing
bloo
dcl
ots f
rorn
the
neck
s of d
ead p
igs.
Myj
ob r
irle,
I bel
ieve
, was
Dec
lotte
r.A
fter s
laug
hrer
, rhe h
ogs w
ere d
e.:a
pita
ted,
splir
dow
n th
e le
ngth
of th
ebe
lly, pr
ied
open
, evi
scer
ated
, and s
rrlrn
g up
by rh
e hin
d ho
cks o
n a h
igh
conv
eyer
belr.
Then
gra
vity
rook
ove
r. B
y ch
e rim
e a
carc
ass re
ache
d my
spot
on
the
line,
che f
uids
had
rnos
tly dr
aine
d ou
c, ev
eryr
hing
exce
prfo
r thi
ck c
lots
of b
lood
in r
he n
eck a
nd u
pper
che
st ca
vity
. Tor
.,nou
.th
e st
uf{,
I us
ed a
kind
of w
ater
gun
. The
mac
hine
was
hea
vy, m
aybe
eigh
ry po
unds
, and
was
susp
ende
d from
the
ceili
ng by
a h
eavy
rubb
erco
rd. T
here
was
som
e bou
nce r
o it,
an
elas
ric up
-and
-dow
n giv
e, an
dth
e rr
ick
was
ro m
aneu
ver r
he g
un w
ith y
our
who
le b
ody,
noc l
iftin
gw
ith t
he a
nns,
jusr
lerr
ir-rg
rhe
rubb
er c
ord.
do th
e w
ork
for
you.
At
one c
nd w
as a
tigge
r; a
r rhe
muz
zle e
nd w
as a
smal
l noz
zle a
nd a
ste
elro
ller b
rush
. As
a ca
rcas
s pas
sed b
y, yo
ud le
an fo
rwar
d an
d sw
ing
the
gun
up a
gain
sr rh
e clo
rs an
d sq
ueez
e the
tigge
r, a
ll in
one
mor
ion,
and
rhe
brus
h w
ould
whi
rl an
d w
ater
wou
ld c
ome s
hoor
ing o
ur a
nd y
oud
hear
a qu
ick s
plar
erin
g sou
nd as
rhet
lots
dis
solv
ed in
to a
fine
red
mis
r.
It w
as no
r ple
asan
r wor
k. G
oggl
es w
ere a
nec
essi
cy, an
d a
rubb
er a
pron
,bu
t eve
n so i
t was
like
sran
di.g
for e
ighr
hour
s ̂ i^
yund
er a
l,rk
"war
mbl
ood-
show
er. A
t nig
hr Id
go h
ome s
leili
ng o
f pig
.It w
ould
n'r g
o aw
ay.
Eve
n afte
r a h
ot b
arh,
scru
bbin
s har
d, rh
" srin
k *i,
"l-"y
, ,h
..I _
lik
eol
d ba
con,
or s
ausa
ge, a de
nse g
reas
/ pig
-srin
k tha
r soa
ked d
eep i
nto
rny s
ki'a
nd h
air.
Arn
o.g
oche
r rhin
gs, I
rern
ernb
ec ir w
as to
ugh g
.rrir
rgda
tes r
har s
umm
er. I
felr
isol
ared
; I sp
ent a
lor o
f cim
e alo
ne. A
";
rher
ew
as al
so ch
ar dr
afr n
oric
e tuc
ked
away
in m
y w
alle
t.In
rhe
eve
ning
s Id
som
erim
es bo
rrow
my
farh
er's
car a
nd d
,riv
eai
mle
ssly
arou
nd ro
wn,
feel
ing s
orry
fo, *
y.el
i rh
inki
ng a
bout
the
war
and
the
pig
fact
ory
and h
ow r
ny li
fe s
eem
ed ro
be
colla
prin
g tow
ard
slau
ghte
r. I
felr
para
lyze
d. All
arou
nd m
e th
e op
rions
see
med
ro b
ena
rrow
ing,
as if
I w
ere
hurr
ling
dow
n a
huse
bla
ck fu
nnel
, rhe
who
lew
orld
_ squ
eezi
ng in
rig
hr. T
lrere
was
no
h"pp
y w
ay o
ur. T
he g
over
n-m
ent h
ad e
nded
mos
r gra
duar
e sch
ool d
efer
men
rs; th
e w
airin
g iirt
, fo
,rh
e Nat
iona
l Gua
rd a
nd R
eser
ves w
ere i
mpo
ssib
ly lo
ng; m
y he
alth
was
solid
; I d
idn'
t qua
lify f
or c
o sr
arus
- no
relig
ious
grou
nds,
no h
isro
ryas
a p
acifr
st. M
oreo
ver,
I co
uld
nor
clai
m ro
be
c-rp
pose
d,
ro w
ar a
s a
mat
cer o
f gen
eral
prin
cipl
e. -f
here
wer
e occ
asio
ns, i
belie
ved ,
whe
n ana
tion
was
jusr
ified
in u
sing
nrili
tary
forc
e to
achi
eve ir
s end
,s, ro
sro
p aH
itler
or s
ome c
ompa
rabl
e evi
l, and
I to
ld m
ysel
f thar
in s
uch c
ircum
-st
ance
s I w
ould
've
will
ingl
y m
arch
ed of
f to
rhe
bat
tle. T
he p
robl
em,
thou
gh, w
as th
ar a
dra
ft bo
ard d
id n
ot le
t you
cho
ose y
our w
ar.
Bey
ond
all t
his,
or
ar rh
e ve
ry ce
nrer
, was
the
raw
fact
of t
erro
r. I
did
nor w
anr r
o di
e. N
ot e
vcr.
But
cer
tain
ly no
r rhe
n, no
t the
re, n
orin
a w
rong
war
. Driv
ing
r-rp
Mai
n sr
reer
, pas
r rhe
cour
rhou
se an
d ch
eB
en F
rank
lin s
rore
, I so
mec
irnes
felr
rh"
i"a.
spre
adin
g ins
ide m
e lik
ew
eeds
. I irn
agin
ed m
ysel
f dea
d. I i
mag
ined
mys
elf d
oing
thin
gs I
coul
dno
t do
- ch
argi
ng an
ene
my p
ositi
on, c
akin
g aim
at a
noth
er h
uman
bein
g.A
r so
me p
oint
in m
id-J
uly I
beu
an th
inki
ng s
erio
usly
abou
t Can
ada.
1o
f}e
bord
er la
y a fe
w h
undr
ed m
iles n
orrh
, an
eigh
t-ho
ur d
rive.
Boc
hm
y co
nsci
ence
and
my
insr
i'crs
wer
e te
lling
ffre
-ro
mak
e a
brea
k for
it, ju
st r
ake o
ff an
d ru
n lik
e he
ll an
d ne
ver s
rop.
In t
he b
egin
ning
rhe
idea
seem
ed pu
rely
absr
ract
, the
wor
d ca
nada
prin
ting
ir."f
o,
rr ii
-yhe
ad; b
ur a
fter a
rim
e I c
ould
see p
arric
ula.
shap
"s or
rdl-"
g"s,
rhe
ror.
yde
tails
of r
ny o
wn
futu
re -
a ho
rel r
oom
in iv
inni
p eg
, a-b
atte
red o
ldsu
itcas
e, rny f
brhe
r's ey
es as
I rr
ied r
o ex
plai
n mys
elf o
u., ,
h. r
elep
hone
.
O'B
ricn
o
On
rh
e R
ain
y R
ive
r I7
5
.,-l
f76
MoD
EL T
EX
TS
FoR
wR
rrE
RS
I cou
ld al
mos
t hea
r his
voi
ce, a
nd m
y m
orhe
rs. R
un, I
d th
ink.
The
n Id
thin
k, Im
poss
ible
. Then
a se
cond
late
r Id
thin
k, R
un.
It w
as a
kin
d of
sch
izop
hren
ia. A
mor
al s
plit.
I co
uldn
't m
ake
upm
y m
ind.
Ifea
red
the
war
, yes
, but
I a
lso
fear
ed ex
ile. I
was
afr
aid
ofw
alki
ng a
way
from
my
own
Iife,
my
frien
ds a
nd m
y fa
mily
, my
who
lehi
stor
y, ev
eryt
hing
chat
mat
cere
d to
me.
I fe
ared
losi
ng th
e re
spec
r of
my
pare
nts.
I fe
ared
the
law
. I fe
ared
ridic
ule
and
cens
ure.
My
hom
e-to
wn
was
a con
serv
ativ
e little
spo
t on
the p
rairi
e , a
plac
e whe
re tr
aditi
onco
unte
d, an
d it
was
easy
to im
agin
e peo
ple s
ittin
g ar
ound
a ra
ble d
own
at th
e ol
d G
obbl
er C
aft o
n M
ain
Str
eer,
coffe
e cup
s poi
sed,
the
conv
er-
satio
n sl
owly
zer
orng
in o
n th
e yo
ung
O'B
rien
kid,
how
rhe
dam
ned
siss
y had
take
n of
f fo
r C
anad
a. A
t ni
ght,
whe
n I
coul
dn't
slee
p, Id
som
etim
e s c
arry
on 6
erce
argu
men
ts w
ith t
hose
peop
le. I
d be
scr
eam
-in
g at
them
, tel
ling
them
how
muc
h I d
etes
ted t
heir
blin
d, th
ough
tless
,au
tom
atic
acqu
iesc
ence
to it
aIl,
thei
r sim
ple
min
ded
patr
iotis
m, t
heir
prid
eful
igno
ranc
e, th
eir
love
-it-o
r-Ie
ave-
it pla
drud
es, h
ow t
hey
wer
ese
ndin
g me
offto
6gh
t aw
ar th
ey d
idn'
t und
ersr
and a
nd d
idn'
t wan
r ro
unde
rsta
nd.I h
eld t
hem
resp
onsi
ble.
By G
od, y
es, I
did.
AIlo
f rhe
m -
Ihe
ld th
em p
erso
nally
and
indi
vidu
ally
resp
onsi
ble -
the
poly
este
red
Kiw
anis
boy
s, th
e m
erch
ants
and
farm
ers,
the
piou
s ch
urch
goer
s, th
ech
atty
hou
sew
ives
, the
PTA
and
the
Lion
s cl
ub a
nd th
e V
eter
ans o
fFo
reig
n War
s an
d th
e 6n
e up
stan
ding
gen
try o
ur a
r rhe
cou
ntry
clu
b.Th
.y d
idnt
kno
w B
ao D
ai f
rom
the
man
in t
he m
oon.
Th"
y di
dn't
know
his
tory
. Th"
y di
dn't
know
the
6rs
t thi
ng a
bout
Die
m's
tyra
nny,
or th
e na
ture
of V
ietn
ames
e nat
iona
lism
, or t
he lo
ng co
loni
alis
rn of
the
Fren
ch -
this
was
all t
oo d
amne
d com
pli c
ar.e
d, it re
quire
d som
e re
ad-
irg -
but
no m
atte
r, it
was
a w
ar to
sto
p th
e C
omm
unis
rs, p
lain
and
sim
ple,
whi
ch w
as h
ow r
hey
liked
thin
gs, a
nd y
ou w
ere
a rr
easo
nous
puss
y if y
ou h
ad s
econ
d tho
ught
s abo
ur ki
lling
or d
ying
for p
lain
and
sim
ple r
easo
ns.
I was
bitte
r, su
re. B
ut it
was
so m
uch
mor
e th
an th
ar. T
he e
mot
ions
wen
t fro
m o
utra
ge to
ter
ror t
o be
wild
erm
ent t
o gu
ilt t
o so
rrow
and
then
bac
k ag
ain t
o ou
trag
e. I f
elt a
sick
ness
insi
de m
e. R
eal d
isea
se.
Mos
t of
rhi
s I'v
e ro
ld b
efor
e, or
ar l
east
hint
ed a
r, bu
r wha
t I h
ave
neve
r told
is th
e fu
ll rr
urh.
How
I c
rack
ed. H
ow a
t wor
k on
e m
orn-
ing,
stan
ding
on th
e pi
g lin
e, I
felr
som
erhi
ng br
eak o
pen
in m
y ch
est.
I do
n't k
now
wha
t it
was
. I'll
neV
er kn
ow. B
ur it
was
real
, I kn
ow r
har
muc
h, it
was
a ph
ysic
al ru
prur
e -
a cr
acki
ng-le
akin
g-po
ppin
g feel
ing.
I
C)'
lJri
en
* O
n t
he
ll.
ain
y R
ive
r 1
77
rem
embe
r dro
ppin
g m
y w
acer
gun.
Qui
ckly
, ahn
osr w
irhou
t rho
ugl-r
t, Ito
ok o
ffmy
apro
n and
wal
ked o
ur o
f rhe
plan
r and
dro
ve ho
me.
Ir *
",m
idrn
orr-
ri'g
I rem
embe
r, an
d the
hou
se w
as em
pry.
Dow
n in
my
ches
tth
ere w
as sr
ill rh
at le
akin
g sen
sario
n, som
erh in
gver
y war
ln an
d pre
ciou
ssp
illin
g ou
t, an
d I
was
.ou.
r"d
wirh
blo
od ;r
nd h
og-s
tink,
",ld
for
alo
ng w
hile
I ju
st c
once
ntra
ted o
n ho
ldin
g m
ysel
f rog
etl-r
er. I r
erne
rnbe
rta
king
a h
or s
how
er. I
rem
ernb
er pa
ckin
g a s
uitc
ase a
nd ca
rryi
ng ir
our
to th
e ki
tche
n, st
andi
ng ve
ry sr
ill fo
r a
few
rnin
ures
, look
ing
care
fully
at th
e fa
mili
ar o
bjec
ts al
l aro
und
rne.
The
old
chro
me r
oasr
er, rh
e te
le-
phon
e, th
e pi
nk a
nd w
hire
For
rnic
a on
rhe k
itche
n co
unre
rs. Th
e ro
omw
as fu
ll of
brig
hr s
unsh
ine.
Eve
ryth
ing s
park
led.
My
hor_
rse,
I
thou
ghr.
My
life.
I'm n
or s
ure h
ow lo
ng I
sroo
d rhe
re, b
ur la
ter I
scr
ibbl
ed ou
r ash
ort n
ote t
o m
y pa
renr
s.w
har
ir sa
id, e
xact
Iy,I d
on'r r
ecal
l now
. Som
erhi
ng va
glre
. Taki
ng o
llw
ill c
all, l
ove T
irn.
I dro
ve no
rth.
15
It's a
blu
r now
as i
r was
then
, and
all
I re
r'ern
ber i
s a
sens
e of h
igh
velo
city
and
rhe
feel
of
rhe
stee
ring w
heel
in n
-ry h
ands
. I w
as ri
.ling
on a
dren
alin
e. A g
iddy
feel
ing,
in a
way
, exc
epr rh
ere w
as rh
c dr
cam
yed
ge of
impo
ssib
iliry
ro ir
-like
ru
nnir-
rg a de
ad-e
nc-l rn
aze-
no
way
out -
ir
coul
dn'r c
ome t
o a
happ
y con
clus
ion a
nd y
et I
was
doi
ng it
anyw
ay be
caus
e it w
as a
ll I
coul
d rh
ink
of r
o do
. Ir
was
pur
e lli
ghr,
fast
and
min
dles
s. I
had
no p
lan.
Jusr
hir
rhe
bord
er a
t hig
h .p
""d
and
cras
h rhr
ough
and
kee
p on
runn
ing.
Nea
r dus
k I
pass
ed rh
roug
hB
emid
ji, th
en ru
rned
nor
thea
st to
war
d L-
rter
nario
nal Fa
lls. I
.p..r
r rt
"ni
ght i
n th
e ca
r beh
ind a
clo
sed-
dow
n ges
star
ion a
hal
f mile
from
rfie
bord
er. In
rhe
mor
ning
, afr
er ga
ssin
g'p,
I he
aded
srra
ighr
wes
t alo
ngth
e R
ainy
Riv
er, w
hich
sep
arar
es Min
neso
ra fr
orn
Can
ada,
and
whi
chfo
r me
sepa
rate
d or-
re life
from
ano
ther
. The
l:rn
d was
mos
rly w
ilder
ness
.H
ere a
nd th
ere I
pas
sed a
mor
el or
bai
t sho
p, bu
t oth
erw
ise r
he co
unrr
yun
fold
ed in
gre
at sw
eeps
of p
ine
and
birc
h an
d su
mac
. 'lhou
gh ir
-a.,
still
Aug
ust,
the
air a
lread
y had
the
smel
l of O
crob
er, fo
orb"
il se
ason
,pi
les o
f yel
low
-red
leav
es, ev
eryr
hing
cris
p and
clea
n. I r
erne
rnbe
r a hug
ebl
ue sk
y. of
f ro
rny r
ighr
was
the
Rai
ny R
iver
, wid
e as
a la
ke in
pla
ces,
and
beyo
nd rh
e R
ainy
fuve
r was
Can
ada.
For a
whi
le I
just
dro
ve, n
oc a
irnin
g ar
any
thin
g, rh
en in
rhe
lare
mor
ning
I be
gar-
r look
ing
for a
pla
ce to
lie
low
for a
day
or rw
o. I
was
-d
O'B
rie
n
m O
n r
he
Ra
iny
Riv
er
77
9I7
B
Mo
DE
L T
EX
TS
Fo
R w
RIT
ER
S
exha
uste
d, an
d sc
ared
sick
, and
aro
und n
oon
I pul
led i
nro
an o
ld fi
sh-
ing
reso
rt ca
lled t
he T
ip T
op L
odge
. Act
ually
it w
as n
or a
lodg
e ar
all,
just
eig
ht or
nin
e tir
-ry y
ello
w ca
bins
ch-r
srer
ed
on a
peni
nsul
a tha
r-ju
tted
nort
hwar
d in
to th
e R
ainy
Riv
er. T
he p
lace
was
in s
orry
sha
pe. T
here
was
a da
nger
ous w
oode
n doc
k, an
old
min
now
rank
, a fl
imsy
tar p
aper
boar
hous
e alo
ng th
e sh
ore.
The
mai
n bu
ildin
g, w
l-ric
h sro
od in
a c
lus-
ter o
f pir-
res on
hig
h gr
ound
, see
med
ro le
an l'
teav
ily ro
one
side
, like
acr
ippl
e, rh
e ro
of s
aggi
ng ro
war
d C
anad
a. B
riefly
, I rh
ough
r abo
ur ru
rn-
ing
arou
nd, ju
sr g
ivin
g up,
buc r
hen I
gor
our
oi r
he ca
r and
wal
ked u
pto
the
fron
r por
ch.
The
man
who
ope
ned t
he d
oor r
har d
ay is
che
hero
of m
y lif
e. H
owdo
I sa
y rhi
s w
ithou
r so
undi
ng sa
ppyi
Blu
rr ir
our
- rh
e m
an s
aved
,m
e. H
e ol
lere
d exa
ctly
wha
t I n
eede
d, w
irhou
r que
stio
ns, w
ithou
r an
yw
ords
at a
ll. H
e to
ok m
e in
. He
was
ther
e ar r
he cr
irica
l cim
e -
a si
lent
,w
atch
ful P
rese
nce.
Six
day
s lar
er, w
hen
ir en
ded,
I was
r-rn
able
ro fi
nd a
prop
er w
ay ro
rhan
k hi
rn, a
nd I
neve
r hav
e, an
d so
, if n
orhi
ng e
lse,
tfiis
stor
y rep
rese
nts a
smal
l ges
rure
of g
raci
cude
twen
ty y
ears
over
due.
Eve
n afte
r tw
o de
cade
s I ca
n clo
se m
y ey
es an
d re
turn
ro th
at p
orch
at ch
e Tip
Top
Lod
ge. I
can s
ee ch
e old
guy
srar
ing a
r me.
Elro
y Ber
dahl
:ei
ghry
-one
year
s old
, ski
nny a
nd sh
runk
en an
d rn
osrly
bald
. He
wor
e a
Ilann
el sh
irt an
d bro
wn w
ork p
ants
.In on
e han
d,I r
emer
nber
, he ca
rrie
d,a
gree
n app
le, a
smal
l par
ing k
nife
in th
e ot
her.
His
eye
s had
the
blui
shgr
ay co
lor o
f a ra
zor b
lade
, the s
arne
polis
hed s
hine
, and a
s he p
eere
d up
at m
e I
felt
a st
rang
e sha
rpne
ss, al
mos
t pai
nful
, a c
urtin
g se
nsar
ion,
asif
his g
aze w
ere s
omeh
ow sl
icin
g me
open
. In p
arr,
no d
oubr
, ir w
as m
yow
n se
nse o
f gui
lt, bu
t eve
n so
I'm a
bsol
utel
y cer
tain
rhar
rhe o
ld m
anto
ok o
ne lo
ok a
nd w
ent r
ight
to th
e he
arr o
f rhi
ngs -
a
kid
in rr
oubl
e.W
hen
I as
ked f
or a
room
, Elro
y m
ade a
littl
e cl
icki
ng so
und
wic
h hi
sro
ngue
. He
nodd
ed, le
d m
e ou
r ro
one
of t
he c
abin
s, an
d dr
oppe
d ake
y in
my
hand
. I r
erne
mbe
r sm
iling
ar h
im. I
als
o rem
embe
r wis
hing
Iha
dn't.
The
old
man
sho
ok hi
s he
ad as
if to
tell
rne i
r was
n'r w
orrh
rhe
both
er.
20
"Din
ner a
r fiv
e-th
i rryi
' he
said
."yo
u ear
fishi
"'A
nyth
ing,
" I sai
d.E
lroy
grur
-rre
d and
said
, "Illb
et!'
we
spen
r six
day
s rog
erhe
r ar r
lre T
ip T
op L
odge
. Jus
r rhe
rwo
of u
s.To
uris
t sea
son w
as o
ver,
and
ther
e wer
e no
boar
s on
the
river
, and
the
wild
erne
ss se
emed
to w
ithdr
aw in
to a
gre
at pe
rman
ent s
tilln
ess.
Ove
rth
ose s
ix da
ys E
lroy
Ber
dahl
and
I too
k m
ost o
f our
mea
ls to
gech
er. In
the
rnor
ning
s we
sorn
etim
es wen
t out
on
long
hike
s int
o th
e woo
ds, a
ndat
nig
ht w
e pl
ayed
Scr
abbl
e or l
iste
ned t
o re
cord
s or s
at re
adin
g in
fron
tof
his
big
scon
e fire
plac
e. At t
imes
I fel
t the
aw
kwar
dnes
s of a
n inc
rude
r,bu
c Elro
y ac
cept
ed me
into
his
qui
et ro
utin
e w
ithou
t fus
s or c
erem
ony.
He
took
my
pres
ence
for g
rant
ed, th
e sa
me w
ay h
e m
ight
've s
helte
red
a st
ray
ca(.
- no
was
ted s
ighs
or p
ity -
and
ther
e was
nev
er an
y ta
lkab
out it
.Jus
r the o
ppos
ite. W
har I
rem
embe
r mor
c tha
n any
thin
g is t
hem
an's
will
ful,
alm
osr fe
roci
ous s
ilenc
e.In
all t
hat t
ime
toge
ther
, all t
hose
hour
s, he
nev
er as
ked t
he o
bvio
us qu
estio
ns: W
hy w
as I
ther
ei W
hyal
onei
Why
so p
reoc
cupi
edi If
Elro
y was
curio
us ab
out a
ny of
this
, he
was
care
ful n
ever
to p
ut it
into
wor
ds.
My
hunc
h, th
ough
, is th
at h
e al
read
y kne
w. A
t lea
st th
e ba
sics
. Afte
ral
l, it w
as 19
68, a
nd gu
ys w
ere b
urni
ng dr
aft c
ards
, and C
anad
a was
just
a boa
r rid
e aw
ay. E
lroy
Ber
dahl
was
no h
ick.
His
bed
room
, I re
mem
ber,
was
clut
tere
d with
boo
ks an
d ne
wsp
aper
s. He
kille
d m
e at
the
Scr
abbl
ebo
ard,
bare
ly co
ncen
trat
ing,
and
on th
ose o
ccas
ions
whe
n sp
eech
was
nece
ssar
y he h
ad a
way
of c
ompr
essi
ng Ia
rge t
houg
hts i
nto
smal
l , cry
p-tic
pac
kets
of la
ngua
ge. O
ne e
veni
ng, ju
st a
t sun
set, h
e po
inte
d up
at a
now
l circ
ling o
ver r
he vi
oler
-ligh
ted f
ores
t to th
e w
est.
"H"y
, O'B
rien,
" he
said
."Th
ere'
sJes
us."
25
The
man
was
shar
p -
he d
idn'
t mis
s muc
h. T
hose
razo
r eye
s. Now
and
then
hec
l cat
ch m
e st
arin
g out
at t
he r
iver
, at t
he fa
r sho
re, a
nd I
coul
d al
mos
r hea
r rhe
tum
bler
s clic
king
in h
is h
ead.
May
be I'
m w
rong
,bu
t I d
oubt
it.
One
thin
g fo
r ce
rtai
n, he
kne
w I
was
in d
espe
rate
trou
ble.
And
he
knew
I c
ould
n't t
alk
abou
t it.
The
wro
ng w
ord
even
the
right
wor
d -
and
I w
ould
've d
isap
pear
ed. I
was
wire
d an
d jitt
ery.
My
skin
felt
too
tight
. Afte
r su
pper
one e
veni
ng I v
omite
d and
wen
t bac
k to
my
cabi
n and
lay d
own
for a
few
mom
ents
and t
hen v
omite
d aga
in; a
noth
ertim
e, in
the
mid
dle
of th
e af
tern
oon,
I beg
an sw
eatin
g and
coul
dn'r s
hut
it of
l. I
wen
t thr
ough
who
le d
ays f
eelin
g diz
zy w
ith s
orro
w. I
coul
dn't
slee
p; I
coul
dn'r l
ie s
rill.
At
nigh
t I d
ros
s aro
und
in b
ed, h
alf a
wak
e,ha
lf dr
eam
ing,
imag
inin
g how
Id s
neak
dow
n ro
the
beac
h and
qui
etly
push
one o
f the
old
man
's bo
ats o
ur in
to th
e riv
er an
d sta
rr pa
ddlin
g my
way
tow
ard
Can
ada.
Ther
e wer
e tim
es w
hen
I tho
ughr
Id g
one o
ffthe
psyc
hic e
dge.
I cou
ldn'
t tellu
p fr
om d
own,
I w
as ju
st f
allin
g an
d la
te in
t80
M
oD
EL
TE
XT
S F
oR
wR
rrE
RS
the
nigh
t Id,
lie
ther
e w
atch
ing w
eird
pic
tr-r
res sp
in rh
roug
h nr
y l-r
ead.
Get
ting
chas
ed by
the
Bor
der P
atro
l- hc
licop
ters
and
sear
chlig
hcs
and b
arki
ng do
gs -
IA b
e cra
shin
g thro
ugh r
he w
oods
, I d
be do
wn
onrn
y han
ds an
d kn
ees -
peop
le sh
outin
s our
my
nam
e -
rhe
law
clo
s-in
g in
on
all s
ides
- m
y ho
rnet
own d
raft
boar
d an
d th
e FB
I and
the
Roy
al C
anad
ian M
ount
ed P
olic
e. it
all s
eem
ed t^
zy
and
irnpo
ssib
le.
Twen
ty-o
ne ye
ars o
ld, a
n ord
inar
y kid
with
all t
he or
dina
ry dr
eam
s and
ambi
tions
, an.
1 all
I wan
ted w
as to
live
the
life
I was
borr
-r ro
- a
mai
n-st
ream
lfe-
I lov
ed ba
seba
ll and
harn
burg
crs a
nd ch
erry
Cok
es -
and
now
I w
as of
fon
the
mar
gins
of e
xile
,leav
ing m
y co
unrr
y for
ever
,and
itse
emed
so im
poss
ible
and
terr
ible
and
sad.
Iin n
ot s
ure h
ow I
rnad
e it r
hrou
gh th
ose s
ix da
ys. M
osr o
f ir I
can
'cre
mem
ber,
On
two
or t
hree
afte
rnoo
ns, to
pas
s som
e tim
e, I
help
edE
lroy
get t
he p
lace
read
y for
win
ter,
sw
eepi
ng do
wn
the
cabi
ns an
dha
ulin
g in
rhe b
oats
, lirr
le ch
ores
rhar
kepr
my
body
mov
ing.
The
days
wer
e coo
l and
brig
ht. T
he n
ight
s wer
e ver
y dar
k, O
ne m
orni
ng rh
e ol
dm
an sh
owed
rne h
ow to
spl
ic an
d st
ack f
irew
oocl
, and
for s
ever
al ho
urs
we j
ust w
orke
d in
sile
nce o
r,rr
behi
nd hi
s hou
se. A
r one
poin
c, I r
emcr
n-be
r, E
lroy
put d
own
his
mau
l and
look
ed at
rne f
or a
long
rim
e, hi
s lip
sdr
awn
as if
fra
min
g a
diffi
cult
ques
tion,
br-r
t rhen
he
shoo
k hi
s he
adan
d w
enc b
ack t
o w
ork.
Thc
rnan
s sel
{-co
ntro
l was
ant
azin
g. He
neve
rpr
ied.
He
neve
r put
me
in a
pos
ition
that
requ
ired l
ies o
r den
ials
. To
an e
xten
t, I s
uppo
se, hi
s re
ricen
ce was
rypi
cal o
f tha
r par
t of M
inne
-so
ca, w
here
priv
acy s
dll h
eld
valu
e, an
d ev
en if
I cl b
ee n
wal
king
aro
und
with
som
e hor
rible
def
brm
ity -
four
arm
s and
thre
e hea
c{s -
l'11 s
111s
the
old
man
wou
ld'v
e tal
ked a
bout
ever
ythi
ng ex
cept
thos
e exr
ra ar
ms
and
head
s. Sim
ple p
olite
ness
was
parr
c-rf
it. B
ur e
ven r
rror
e rha
n th
at, I
thin
k, th
e m
an u
nder
stoo
d tha
t wor
ds w
efe
insu
ffici
ent. T
he p
robl
emha
d go
ne be
yond
dis
cuss
ion.
Dtr
ring
that
long
sun
-une
r I d b
een o
ver
and
over
the
vario
us ar
gum
enrs
, all r
he p
ros
and
cons
, and
ir w
as n
olo
nger
a qu
estio
n tha
t cou
ld b
e de
cide
d by
an a
ct of
pur
e re
ason
. Inte
l-le
ct h
ad co
me u
p ag
ains
t em
otio
n. M
y co
nsci
ence
told
rne r
o ru
n, b
urso
me i
rrat
iona
l and
pow
erfu
l for
ce w
as re
sist
ine l
ike
a w
eigh
r pr-
rshi
ngm
e to
war
d th
e w
ar. W
hat
it ca
me d
own
to, s
rupi
dly,
was
a s
ense
ofsh
arne
. Hot
, scu
picl
shar
ne. I d
id n
or w
anr p
eopl
e ro
rhin
k ba
dly o
f me.
Not
rny
par
ents
, not
my
brot
her a
nd si
ster
, not
eve
n rhe
folk
s .lo
wn
arth
e G
obbl
er C
afe.
I was
ash
amed
to b
e rh
ere a
t ttr
e Tip
Top
Lod
ge. I
was
asha
rned
of m
y co
nsci
ence
, as[a
med
ro b
e do
ing
the
righr
thin
g.
O'B
rie
n
o O
n t
he
Ra
iny
Riv
er
18
1
Sor
ne of
this
Elro
y m
ust'v
e und
erst
ood.
Not
the
det
ails
, of c
ours
e,bu
t the
pla
in fa
ct of
cris
is.
Alth
ough
the
old
man
nev
er co
nfro
nted
me
abou
c it,
ther
e was
one
occa
sion
whe
n he
cam
e clo
se to
forc
ing
the
who
le th
ing
out i
nto
the
open
. It w
as ea
rly ev
enin
g, an
d wed
just
fini
shed
supp
er, an
d ove
r cof
fee
and
dess
ert I
aske
d hirn
abo
uc rn
y bi
ll, h
ow m
uch
I ow
ed so
far.
For
alo
ng w
hile
the
old
man
squ
inte
d dow
n at
the
tabl
eclo
th.
"We1
1, ch
e bas
ic ra
te','
he s
aid,
"is fi
fty b
ucks
a n
ight
. Not
cou
ntin
grn
eals
. This
rnak
es fo
ur n
ighr
s, rig
hti"
I nod
ded.
I had
thre
e hun
dred
and
twel
ve do
llars
in m
y w
alle
t.E
lroy k
ept h
is e
yes o
n th
e ta
blec
loth
."N
ow th
at's
an o
n-se
ason
pric
e.To
be
fair,
I sup
pose
we
shou
ld kn
ock
it do
wn
apeg
or tw
ol'H
e le
aned
back
in h
is c
hair.
"Wha
t's a
reas
onab
le nu
mbe
r, yo
u fig
urei
""I
don
t kno
wj'I
sai
d."F
orty
?""F
orty
's go
od. F
orry
a n
ight
. Tl-r
en w
e ta
ck o
n fo
od -
say a
noth
erhu
ndre
di T
wo
hund
red
sixr
y cot
ali"
"I g
uess
l'H
e ra
ised
his
eyeb
row
s."T
oo m
uchi
""N
o, th
ar's
fair.
Its fi
ne. T
omor
row
, rho
ugh
. . . I
rhi
nk Id
bet
rer t
ake
offto
mor
row
."E
lroy
shru
gged
and
bega
n cle
arin
g rhe
tabl
e. Fo
r a ti
me
he fu
ssed
with
the
dis
hes,
whi
stiin
g to
him
self
as if
the
subj
ect h
ad b
een s
ettle
d.A
fter
a se
cond
he sl
appe
d his
han
ds to
geth
er.
"You
kno
w w
hat w
e fo
rgot
i" he
sai
d. "W
e fo
rgot
wag
es. Th
ose
odd
jobs
you
don
e. W
hat
we
have
to d
o, w
e ha
ve to
figu
re ou
t wha
t you
rtim
e's w
orth
. You
r las
t job
- ho
w m
uch
did
you
pull
in a
n ho
uri"
"No[
eno
ugh,
" I sa
id.
'A ba
d on
e?"
"Yes
. Pre
tty b
adi'
Slo
wly
then
, with
out
inte
ndin
g an
y lon
g se
rmon
, I to
ld h
im a
bout
my
days
at th
e pi
g pl
ant.
It be
gan a
s a s
trai
ght r
ecita
tion o
f the
fact
s,bu
t bef
ore I
cou
ld st
op m
ysel
f I w
as ta
lkin
g ab
out t
he b
lood
clo
ts an
dth
e w
ater
gun
and
how
the
smel
l had
soa
ked i
nto
my
skin
and
how
Ico
uldn
't was
h it
away
.I wen
t on
for a
long
rim
e. I
told
hirn
abo
ut w
ildho
gs sq
ueal
ing i
n m
y dr
eam
s, th
e so
unds
of b
utch
ery,
slau
ghte
rhou
seso
unds
, and
how
Id s
omet
imes
wak
e up
with
tha
t gre
asy p
ig-s
cink
inm
y th
roat
.W
hen
I was
finis
hed,
Elro
y no
dded
at m
e.
35 40
I82
M
oD
EL
TE
XT
S F
oR
wR
ITE
RS
"we1
1, ro
be
hone
sri' h
e sa
id, "
whe
n yo
u fir
sC sh
owed
up
here
, I
won
dere
d ab
out a
ll ch
at. fh
e ar
oma,
I m
ean.
Sm
elle
d lik
e yo
u w
as
awfu
l {am
ned
fond
of
pork
cho
psi' T
he o
ld m
an a
lmos
t sm
iled.
He
mad
"e a
snuf
lling
soun
d, th
en s
ar d
own
wirh
a p
enci
l and
a p
iece
of
pape
r."S
o wha
rd rh
is cr
ud jo
b pa
y? Te
n bu
cks a
n ho
ur? F
ifree
ni"
"Les
si'
Elro
y sl
-roo
k his
hea
d. "L
et's
mak
e it
fifte
en. Y
ou p
ur in
tw
enty
--{iv
e
hour
s 6e
re, e
asy.
Thar
's th
ree
hund
red
seve
nty-
five b
ucks
tota
l wdg
es.
we
subr
racr
rhe t
wo
hund
red s
ixty
for f
ood
and
lodg
ing,
I stil
l ow
e you
a hu
ndre
d an
d 6f
teen
'H
e to
ok f
our
fiftie
s ou
t of
his
tabl
e. "Cal
l it e
veni
'he s
aid'
"Noi
'"P
ick
it up
. Get
You
rs eL
f aha
ircur
''Th
e m
on-e
y lay o
n th
e ta
ble f
or th
e re
st o
f the
eve
ning
. It w
as s
till
rher
e whe
n I w
ent b
ack t
o m
y ca
bin.
In th
e m
orni
ng, th
orrg
h, I f
ound
an
enve
lope
tack
ed ro
my
door
. Insi
de w
ere t
he fo
ur fi
fties
and
a tw
o-w
ord
nore
rhar
said
EIr
,4E
RG
EN
CY
FU
ND
'I
lne
l-lta
n K
new
.
Look
ing
back
afr
er rw
enry
yea
rs,I s
orne
times
won
der i
f th
e ev
ents
of
th"t
,,r
l-er
didn
't ha
ppen
in s
ome
othe
r dim
ensi
on, a
pla
ce w
here
your
life
exi
sts b
efor
e you
ve liv
ed ir,
anc
l whe
re it
goes
afte
rwar
d. N
onc
of ir
eve
r see
rned
real
. Dur
ing
nly
titne
at t
he T
ip T
op l.
odge
I ha
d th
e
feel
ing t
hat I
d s
lippe
d out
of m
y ow
n sk
in, h
over
ing a
few
feer
away
whi
le s
orne
poor
yo-
yo w
ith n
ry n
ame a
nd fa
ce tr
ied
to m
ake h
is w
ay
tow
ard
a fu
rure
he
didn
t un
ders
tand
and
didn
't w
ant.
Eve
n now
I ca
n
see m
ysel
f as I
was
then
. It's
like w
atch
ing a
n old
hom
e mov
ie: I'
m y
oung
and
tan
and
fir. I
've
got h
air -
lots
of
it. I
don
't sm
oke o
r dr
ink.
I'm
wea
ring f
aded
blue
jean
s and
a w
hite
pol
o sh
irt. I
can
see r
nyse
lf sitt
ing
on E
lroy
Ber
dahl
s doc
k ne
ar du
sk on
e ev
enin
g, th
e sk
y a b
right
shi
m-
mer
ing p
ink,
and
I'm
fini
shin
g up
a le
trer
lo. m
y P
aren
ts ch
at te
lls w
hat
I'-
"bo,
rt to
do
and w
hy I'
m d
oing
it an
d ho
w s
orry
I am
thar
I d n
ever
foun
d th
e co
urag
e to
talk
to th
ern a
bout
it. I
ask
them
not
to b
e an
gry'
I rry
to e
xpla
in so
me o
f my
feel
ings
, but t
here
are
n't en
ough
wor
ds, a
nd
so I j
ust r
"y th
"r it
s a
thin
g th
ar ha
s to
be d
one.
At
the
end
of th
e le
tter
I tal
k ab
our t
he va
catio
ns we
used
to ta
ke up
in th
is n
orth
cou
ntry
, at a
O'B
rie
n
. O
n t
he
Ra
iny
Riv
er
18
3
plac
e cal
led W
hite
fish
Lake
, and
how
the
scen
ery h
ere r
emin
ds m
e of
ihor
. go
od ti
mes
. I te
ll th
em I'
m fi
ne. I
tell
them
I'11
writ
e ag
airt
fror
n
Win
nipe
q or
Mon
trea
l or w
here
ver I
end
up.
On
my
lasr
full
day,
rhe
sixt
h d:
ry, c
he ol
d m
an to
ok t
ne o
ut f
ishi
ng
on tl
re R
ainy
Riv
er. T
he a
fiern
oon w
as su
nny a
nd c
old.
A s
tiff^
\ree
zeca
me i
r-r fr
om th
e no
rth,
and
I re
mem
ber h
ow th
e lit
tle fo
urte
en-f
oot
boat
mad
e sha
rp ro
ckin
g mot
ions
as w
e pu
shed
ofl f
rom
the
dock
. The
curr
ent w
as fa
st. A
ll ar
ound
us, I
rem
embe
r, th
ere w
as a
vast
ness
to th
e
wor
ld, a
n un
peop
led r
awne
ss, ju
st th
e tr
ees a
nd th
e sk
y and
the
war
erre
achi
ng ou
t tow
ard
now
here
. The
air
had
the
brirl
e sc
ent o
f Oct
ober
'Fo
r ten
or
fifte
en m
inuc
es E
lroy
held
a c
ours
e uP
stre
aln,
the
river
cl-r
op,p
y and s
ilver
-gra
y, tl-re
n he t
urne
d st
raig
ht no
rth
and p
ut th
e eng
ine
on fr
-rll rh
rotr
le. I
felt
the
borv
lift b
enea
rh m
e. I
rem
embe
r the
win
d in
my
ears
, the
soun
d of t
he o
ld o
utbo
ard E
vinr
ude.
For a
tim
e I d
idn'
t pay
arre
ntio
n to
anyt
hing
, just
fee
ling t
he c
old
sPra
y aga
inst
my
face
, but
then
it o
ccttr
red t
o ffI
e tha
t at s
olne
poin
t we
mus
t ve p
asse
d into
Can
a-di
an w
ater
s, ac
ross
that
dot
ted
line
betw
een t
wo
diffe
renc
wor
lds,
and
I
rem
embe
r a s
udde
n cig
htne
ss in rn
y ch
est a
s I lo
oked
up a
nd w
arch
edth
e f'a
r sho
re co
me a
t me.
Tl-r
is w
asnt
a d
aydr
earn
. It w
as ta
ngib
le an
d
real
. As
we
cam
e in
tow
ard
land
, Elro
y cu
t the
eng
itre,
letti
ng th
e bo
at
fisht
ail li
ghtly
abo
ut tw
enty
yar
ds of
f sho
re. T
he o
ld m
an d
idn'
t ioo
k at
me
or s
peak
. Ben
ding
dow
n, h
e op
ened
up h
is ta
ckle
box
and
busi
edhi
rnse
lf with
a b
obbe
r and
a p
iece
of w
ire le
ader
, hurn
min
g to
him
selfl
,
his e
yes d
own.
It st
ruck
lne
then
that
he
lnus
tve
plan
ned i
t. I'l
l nev
er be
cer
tain
,of
cou
rse,
but I
thi
nk h
e tn
eant
to b
ring
me
uP a
gain
st th
e re
aliti
es, to
guid
e rne
acro
ss th
e riv
er an
d to
take
me
to th
e ed
ge an
d to
sta
nd a
kind
of v
igil
as I c
hose
a lif
e fo
r mys
elf.
I re
mem
ber s
tarin
g ar
the
old
man
, rhe
n at
my
hand
s, th
en a
t
Can
ada.
The
shor
elin
e was
den
se w
ith b
rush
and
tirn
ber.
I co
uld
see
tiny
red
berr
ies o
n th
e bu
shes
. I co
uld
see a
squ
irrel
up in
one
of t
he
birc
h tr
ees,
a bi
g cr
ow lo
okin
g at
me
fror
n a
boul
der a
long
the
river
'
Thar
clo
se -
rwen
ry y
ards
- an
d I
coul
d se
e the
del
icat
e lat
ticew
ork
of th
e le
aves
, the
text
ure o
f rhe
soil,
the
brow
ned
need
les b
enea
th th
e
pine
s, th
e co
nfig
urat
ions
of g
eolo
gy an
d hu
man
his
tory
. Tw
enty
yar
ds'
I cou
ld'v
e don
e it.
I cou
ld'v
e jurn
ped
and
star
ted s
witn
min
g for
my
life'
Insi
de m
e, in
my
ches
t, i f
elt a
terr
ible
sque
ezin
g Pre
ssur
e. Eve
n now
, as
shirt
poc
ket a
nd la
id th
em o
n th
e
65
18
4
MO
DE
L T
EX
TS
FO
R W
RIT
ER
S
I writ
e th
is, I
can
scill
feel
that
tigh
tnes
s. And
I w
ant y
ou to
feel
ic -
the
win
d co
min
g of
f the
rive
r, th
e w
aves
, the
sile
nce,
the
woo
ded
fron
tier.
You
're at
the
bow
of a
boa
t on
the
Rai
ny fu
ver.
You
're tw
enty
-one
year
sol
d, yo
u're
scar
ed, an
d th
ere'
s a h
ard
sque
ezin
g Pre
ssur
e in y
our c
hest
.W
hat w
ould
you
do?
Wou
ld y
ou ju
mpi
Wou
ld y
ou fe
el p
ity f
or y
ours
elfi
Wou
ld y
ourh
ink
abou
t you
r far
nily
and
your
chi
ldho
od a
nd y
our d
ream
s and
all
you r
e le
avir-
rg
behi
ndi W
ould
it h
urt?
Wou
ld it
feel
like
dyin
gi W
ould
you
cry,
as I
did?
I trie
d to
swal
low
it ba
ck. I
trie
d to
sm
ile, e
xceP
t I w
as cr
ying
.N
ow p
erl-r
aps,
you
can
unde
rsta
nd w
hy I
've
neve
r tol
d th
is s
tory
befo
re. It
's n
ot ju
st t
he e
mba
rras
sffIe
nt of t
ears
. Tha
t's p
art
of i
t, no
doub
t, bu
t w
hat e
mba
rras
ses ln
e rn
uch
rror
e, a
nd a
lway
s will
, is
the
para
lysi
s that
took
rny l
-rea
rt. A m
oral
free
ze: I
coul
dn't d
ecid
e, I c
ould
n't
act,I
cou
ldn'
t cor
xpor
t rny
self w
ith e
ven a
Pre
tens
e of m
odes
t hum
andi
gnity
.A
11 I c
ould
do
was
cry.
Qui
etly
, not
baw
ling,
just
the
ches
t-ch
okes
.A
t th
e re
ar o
f tl-r
e boa
r Elro
y B
erda
hl pr
eten
ded n
ot to
not
ice.
He
held
a fi
shin
g rod
in h
is h
ands
, his
hea
d bow
ed to
hid
e hi
s ey
es. H
eke
pt l-
rum
min
g a s
oft,
mon
oton
ous l
ittle
tune
. Eve
ryw
here
, it s
eem
ed,
in th
e tr
ees a
nd w
ater
and
sky,
a gr
eat w
orld
wid
e sa
dnes
s cam
e pre
ssin
gdo
wn
on m
e, a c
rush
ing s
orro
w, so
rrow
like
I had
nev
er kn
own
it be
fore
.A
nd w
hat w
as so
sad,
I re
ahze
d, was
that
Can
ada h
ad b
ecom
e a p
idfu
lfa
ntas
y. S
illy
and
hope
less
. It w
as n
o lo
nger
a p
ossi
bilir
y. R
ight
then
,w
ith th
e sho
re so
clos
e, I u
nder
stoo
d that
I w
ould
not
do
wha
t I s
houl
ddo
.I w
ould
not
sw
im a
way
fror
n rny
hom
etow
n and
my
coun
try a
nd m
ylif
e. I
wou
ld n
ot b
e br
ave.
That
old
imag
e of r
nyse
lf as a
her
o, as
a m
anof
con
scie
nce a
nd c
oura
ge, al
l tha
t was
just
a th
read
bare
pipe
dre
am'
Bob
bing
ther
e on
the
Rai
ny R
iver
, look
ing b
ack a
t the
Min
neso
ta sh
ore,
I fel
t a su
dden
swel
l of h
elpl
essn
ess co
me o
vcr m
c, a
drow
ning
sen
satio
n,as
if I
had
topp
led o
verb
oard
and
was
bei
ng sw
ePt a
way
by th
e si
lver
wav
es. C
hunk
s of m
y ow
n hi
stor
y {la
shed
by. I
saw
a se
ven-
year
-old
boy
in a
whi
te c
owbo
y hat
and
a L
one
Ran
ger m
ask a
nd a
pai
r of h
olst
ered
six-
shoo
ters
; I sa
w a
twel
ve'y
ear'o
ld Li
ttle
Leag
ue sh
orts
top
pivo
ting
to tu
rn a
dou
ble p
lay;
I sa
w a
six[
een-
year
-old
kid
deck
ed ou
t for
his
first
pro
m, l
ooki
ng.p
ifry
in a
whi
te tu
x an
d a
blac
k bow
tie,
his h
air c
utsh
orr a
nd fl
at, h
is s
hoes
fres
hly p
olis
hed.
My
who
le li
fe s
eem
ed to
spi
llou
t int
o th
e riv
er, s
wirl
ing
away
fr0i
n m
e, e
very
thin
g I
had
ever
been
O'B
rie
n
* O
n t
he
l{a
inY
Riv
er
18
5
or e
ver w
ante
d to
be. I
cou
ldn'
t ger
my
brea
th; I
cou
ldnt
sta
y aflo
at; I
coul
dnt t
ell w
hich
way
to s
wim
. A h
allu
cina
tion,
I su
ppos
e, bu
t it w
as
as re
al a
s any
rhin
g i
wou
ld e
ver f
eel. I
saw
my
Par
ents
calli
ng to
1xe
from
rhe
faru
horii
.,".
I sa
w rn
y br
othe
r and
sis
ter,
all t
he to
wns
folk
'
the
rnay
or an
d th
e en
tire C
ham
ber o
f Com
mer
ce an
cl al
l n-r
y old
teac
h-
.r,
".,i
girlf
riend
s and
hig
h sc
hool
budd
ies.
Like
som
e wei
rd s
Por
ting
even
r: .r
i.ryb
ody
,.r"a
rrrir
-rg fr
otn
the
side
lines
, root
ing
me
on -
a lo
ud
stad
ium
roar
. Hot
dogs
and
PoP
corn
- st
adiu
m s
mel
ls, s
tadi
urn h
eat'
A s
quad
of c
heer
le"d
"r, d
id c
arrw
heel
s alo
ng th
e ba
nks o
f the
Rai
ny
R.iv
er; th
ey h
ad m
egap
hone
s and
pom
pom
s and
smoo
th br
own
thig
hs.
The
crow
d sw
ayed
l"i, "t
rd rig
hr. A
mar
chin
g ban
d pl
ayed
fight
son
gs.
All
my
aunr
s and
unc
les w
ere t
here
, and
Abr
ahar
n Lin
coln
, and
Sai
nt
Geo
rge,
and
a ni
ne,y
ear-
old g
irl n
amed
Lind
a w
ho h
ad cl
ied o
f a b
rain
,tl-o
-l. b
ack
in f
ifth
grad
e, an
d se
vera
l mem
bers
pf t
he U
nite
d S
tate
s
Sen
ate,
and
a bl
ind
plet
scr
ibbl
ing n
ores
, and
LBJ,
and
Huc
k Fi
nn, a
nd
Abb
ie H
offm
an, a
r",J
"il rh
e de
ad so
ldie
rs ba
ck fr
om th
e gr
ave,
and
the
man
y rh
ousa
nds w
ho w
ere
late
r to
die -
vi
llage
rs w
ith t
errib
le bu
rns'
little
kid
s with
our a
rms o
r leg
s -
Yes
, and t
l-reJ
oint
Chi
efs o
f Sta
ffwer
e
ther
e, an
cl a
coup
le of
pop
es, a
nd a
6rs
t lie
uten
ant n
anle
d Jim
rny C
ross
,
and r
he la
st su
rviv
i,',g
u.t"
r"n
of th
e Am
e ric
an C
ivil W
ar, a
ndJa
ne Fo
nda
dres
sed u
p as
Bar
bare
lla, an
d an
old
man
spr
awle
d bes
ide a
pig
pen,
and
rny
gran
dfat
her,
and
Gar
y C
oope
r, an
d a
kind
-fac
ed w
oman
cxr
ying
"., .r
*br"
lla a
nd a
cop
y of P
lato
's R
epub
lic, an
d a
rnill
ion
fero
ciou
s citi
-
zens
wav
ing f
lags
of "ll
shap
es an
d col
ors -
pe
ople
in h
ard
hats
, peo
ple
in h
eadb
ands
- th
ey w
ere
all w
l-roo
ping
and
chan
ting e
nd u
rgin
g m
e
tow
ard
one
shor
e or
the
otl-r
er. I
saw
face
s fro
m r
ny c
-list
ant pa
st a
nd
dist
anr f
utur
e. M
y w
ife w
as rh
ere.
My
unbo
rn d
augh
ter w
aved
af m
e,
and
my
rwo
sons
hop
ped
up a
nd d
own,
and
a d
rill
serg
eant
nam
ed
Bly
ton
snee
red a
nd s
hot u
p a
frng
er an
d sh
ook h
is l-
read
. Ther
e w
as a
choi
r in
brig
hr p
urpl
e ro
bes.
Ther
e was
a ca
bbie
from
the
Bro
nx. T
here
was
a sl
im yo
ung m
an I
wou
ld o
ne da
y kill
with
a h
and g
rena
de al
ong a
red
clay
trai
l out
side
the
villa
ge of
My
Khe
'Th
e lit
rle a
lum
inum
boa
t roc
ked s
oftly
ben
eath
me.
The
re w
as th
e
win
d an
d th
e sk
y.I t
ried
to w
ill m
Yse
lf ove
rboa
rd.
I gr
ippe
d rh
e ed
ge of
rhe
boa
t and
lean
ed fo
rwar
d an
d th
ough
t,
Now
.I d
id tr
y. It
just
was
n't P
ossi
ble.
t* r*
r '
186
MoD
EL
TE
XT
S F
oR w
Rrr
ER
S
70
A11
thos
e ey
es o
n m
e -
the
row
n, t
he w
hole
uni
vers
e -
and
Ico
uldn
'c ris
k che
emba
rras
smen
t. ft w
as as
if th
ere w
ere a
n au
dien
ce ro
my
Iife,
that
sw
irl o
f fac
es al
ong
rhe
river
, and
in m
y he
ad I
coul
d he
arpe
ople
scre
arrin
g at m
e. Tr
aito
r! t
hey
yelle
d. Tu
rnco
ar! P
ussy
! I fe
ltm
ysel
f blu
sh. I
cou
ldn'
t rol
erar
e it.
I co
uldn
'r en
dure
the
moc
kery
, or
the
disg
race
, or th
e pa
rrio
ric rid
icul
e. E
ven i
n m
y im
agin
atio
n, th
e sh
ore
just
twen
ry ya
rds a
way
,I cou
ldn'
r mak
e mys
elf b
e br
ave.
Ir h
ad n
orhi
ngto
do
with
n-r
oral
ity. Em
barr
assm
enr,
thar
's al
l ir w
as.
And
rig
ht ch
en I s
ubm
itred
.I w
ould
go
ro th
e w
ar -
I wou
ld k
ill a
nd m
aybe
die
- be
caus
e I w
:rs
emba
rras
sed n
ot ro
.Th
at w
as th
e sa
d thi
ng. A
nd s
o I
sar i
n rh
e bo
w o
f rh
e bo
at a
ndcr
ied. It w
as lo
ud n
ow. L
oud,
har
d cr
ying
.E
lroy
Ber
dahl
rem
ai'e
d qu
ier.
He
kepr
fish
ing.
He
wor
ked
his
line
with
rhe
tips
of h
is fi
nger
s , par
ient
ly, s
quin
ring
our a
r his
red
and
whi
cebo
bber
on rh
e R
ainy
Riv
er. H
is e
yes w
ere f
lat a
nd ir
npas
sive
. He
didn
'tsp
eak.
He
was
sirn
ply r
here
, like
rhe
rive
r an
d th
e la
te-s
Lrm
lner
sun.
And
yet
by
his
pres
ence
, his
mur
e w
arch
fuln
ess,
he m
ade
ir re
al. H
ew
as th
e tr
ue au
dien
ce. H
e w
as a
wirn
ess,
like G
od, o
r lik
e the
gods
, who
look
on
in a
bsol
ute s
ilenc
e as w
e liv
e ou
r liv
es, a
s we
mak
e our
cho
ices
or fa
il to
rnak
e the
rn.
'Ain
'c bi
tingi
' he
said
.Th
en a
frcr
a tim
e th
e ol
d rn
an p
r-rll
ed in h
is li
ne a
nd tu
rned
rhe b
oat
back
tow
ard
Min
neso
ta.
I do
n't
rem
embe
r say
ing
good
bye.
Tha
r la
sr n
ighr
we
had
.linn
erto
geth
er, an
d I w
ent t
o be
d ea
rly, an
d in
rhe
mor
ning
Elro
y fix
ed br
eak-
fasc
for r
ne. W
hen
I rol
d hi
m Id
be
leav
ing,
rhe
old
rnan
nod
ded a
s if h
eal
read
y kne
w. H
e lo
oked
dow
n at
the
tabl
e and
sm
iled.
At
som
e po
int
late
r in
the
mor
ning
ir's
pos
sibl
e th
ar w
e sh
ook
hand
s-I
just
don
't rem
embe
r-bu
r I
do k
now
rha
t by
rhe
time
Idfin
ishe
d pac
king
the
oid
man
had
dis
appe
ared
. Aro
und
noon
, whe
' I
took
my
suirc
ase o
ur ro
rhe c
ar, I
notic
ed rh
ar h
is o
ld b
lack
pick
up tr
uck
was
no lo
nger
park
ed in
fron
t of t
he h
ouse
. I w
ent
insi
de an
d wai
red f
ora
whi
le, b
ur I
fek a
bon
e cer
r.ai
nry th
ar h
e w
ould
n'r
be b
ack.
In a
way
, Ith
ough
t, it
was
app
ropr
iate
. I w
ashe
d up
rhe
bre
akfa
sr d
ishe
s, le
fr h
is
O'B
rie
n
* O
n
rhe
R:r
ir.r
y Riv
er
lB7
two
hund
red
dolla
rs on
the
kitc
hen c
ount
er, g
ot in
to th
e ca
r, an
d dr
ove
sout
h tow
ard h
ome.
The
day
was
clo
udy.
I pa
ssed
thro
ugh
tow
ns w
ith f
amili
ar n
ames
,
tlrro
ugh t
he p
ine
fore
sts a
nd d
own
to th
e P
ralrr
e, an
d rh
en to
Vie
tnam
'
wlre
re I
was
a s
oldi
er, a
nd th
en h
ome
agai
n,I s
urvi
ved,
but
it's
not a
hrpp
y en
ding
. I w
as a
cow
ard.
I wen
t to
the
war
'
80
75