October 20th 2008

To our PAL, [INSERT NAME HERE] ---Happy [INSERT NUMBER HERE]th Birthday!

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2

We heard it was your birthday today… and we love birthdays!

[Hello Monkey!]

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3

So we thought it would be helpful to give you a bit of perspective on just how far you’ve come… and it’s funny how this 1950s era cub scout looks just like you.

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4

So let’s start at the beginning. I’m happy to present to you… your real mother. I know you always thought you were adopted; consider this the proof in the pudding.

Hi son. I hope you’ve made me proud and have made

more of your life than being a fat purple cat like me.

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5

From a very early age, you had a penchant for stealing my things, like here with my Christmas stocking. Actually, I think this is me, but you get the picture.

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6

You also seemed perpetually stuck in the 1970s and were a big fan of orange couches and rattan furniture. It also didn’t help that your parents saw fit to dress you in pink.

(Again, I think this is me, but those are definitely your pink clothes)

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7

And then there are the classic before and after pictures, which I obviously used to undermine your reputation with the “rents” and to make sure they sent you far away

BEFORE AFTER

Sunken shoulders

Droopy mouth

Sleepy eyes

A slightly less well-stocked cabinet following your binge

… to think what you could have become if the lure of the little brown cabinet hadn’t haunted you day and night…

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8

…and of course, as always, you blazed a path with your own unique sense of ‘fashion’

…and as always, you probably held on to the outfit just a bit too long

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9

Just to reiterate the earlier point, the person appearing near you in this picture is in fact unrelated to you. In fact, this might be another picture of me. It’s funny how few pictures there are of you when you were younger…hmmm… whatever could it mean?

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10

Here are some pictures of other people I found on the interweb with the name Tom Giordano. Please note the resemblances.

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11

And through it all this cat always found something with you to be just a tad bit fishy.

Note suspicious eyes and claws

ready to pounce.

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12

Go Speed Racer!