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Copyright (c) 2014 First Draft09/30/2014

INT. SHABBY STUDIO - DAY

We open on a MAN in a threadbare suit. His back is turned to us.

STAGE MANAGER (O.S.)hushed; urgent( )

Psst. Turn round!

The MAN turns round to face the camera. This is TONY.

TONYHi. I used to be a barrister. Waves to camera. But that was before my mental breakdown, when I tried to stab a navy blue sex worker with a decapitated chicken. Now I run a service to help sex offenders in court. After all: why should you be blamed for having your willy fall up someone? It's not like you can control it. Winks. Anyway. I want to help you cheat the legal system by blaming it on women for 'flaunting themselves at you, like the whores they all are.' And besides, they really wanted it, didn't they chaps? Nods knowingly. And I'll do all of this for free. Maybe you could pay for lunch every now and again, though. Get the bus fare. It'd be like we're in a relationship. You could call me Angela, if you want. I'll even wash and comb your hair. It'll be nice. So. Call us today. I'm waiting to help you. Points at camera.

We CRANE up.

SUPER: LoLife NoLife - Cos She Totally Wanted It Too.

VOICE OVER (V.O.)Call 077SPANKMYSAUSAGE. That's 077SPANKMYSAUSAGE and someone will get round to answering, eventually.

TONYWhat d'you mean I wasn't supposed to say the bits in brackets out loud?

(Printed with an unregistered version of Fade In)