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R E A D I N GTHE LETTER YOU'LL NEVER SEND
This is an exercise you can redo anytime, and over and over again, in
order to help feelings comes to light about family members, colleagues,
teachers or friends (or anyone) with whom you’ve had struggle and/or
resentment. In life, it’s the conflict that kills. If we love someone and hate
them at the same time, or have any number of mixed feelings, it will
cause us guilt and shame and therefore pain. I will include an example
letter so you can see exactly what I’m talking about.
Journaling is like winning every argument in which you’ve ever engaged.
It’s such a blessing, you have no idea. Life is hard, and human
relationships are essential for our survival. Unfortunately, however,
people are a pain in the ass. We are hard to deal with, us humans. And
in turn, as we live and love, we amass lots of conflict. Of course, I love
my mom, but when she acts unpredictably I get REALLY angry. Of
course, I want to spend time with my sister, but when she incessantly
complains about her life I just want to scream. Of course, I want to
support my son in his interests, but if I have to listen to one more bar of
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star I’m going to throw myself off the balcony.
You get the picture.
Human conflict ranges from the almost laughable to the dead serious,
and everything in between. The beauty of taking your power back and
playing it out in your journal instead of real life, is that the healing is
infinite and there is no wreckage to clean up.
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I have used this strategy with clients for years, and it never fails to
cultivate a deeper sense of peace in the writer. And remember, when I
say “journal” I don’t mean a beautiful leatherbound gem which you have
always treasured. I mean some loose leaf paper, a legal pad, or a
document on your computer which you will never send or even save.
This writing is for you and you only, and the healing which arises from
your words will take hold regardless of whether you read it over or
delete it immediately.
I often say in my work that the life you save is your own. You’ve been
suffering for many years in pain, emotional turmoil and fear, even if you
haven’t fully realized it. The methods I am teaching you here are
literally the keys on the ring which will fling open the door of your jail
cell. Then you can decide whether or not to get up and walk away from
it.
Writing this 'Letter You’ll Never Send' is one of those keys. YOU deserve
a voice with the people in your life, even if they don’t want to hear it, or
their anger or opinions would get in the way of your peace and healing.
Or, alternatively, if the person who needs to hear your words is someone
you view as vulnerable, like a child or an aging parent, in this exercise
you can say whatever you need to say in your JournalSpeak voice
without fear of hurting them, or damaging your relationship.
As we’ve discussed, that little 5yearold inside of you is screaming her
opinions constantly, even if you aren’t consciously taking the time to
listen. We need to give her as much of a voice as humanly possible, in a
safe fashion.
FREEDOM FROM CHRONIC PAIN | © 2016 NICOLE SACHS
Once the bulk of her feelings are heard, the pain simply fades away.
There is no adaptive reason for it to stick around. You’ll see.
So, here is an example of a Letter You’ll Never Send. I think you will hear
in its tenor the kind of things which wouldn’t make the cut in a Hallmark
card. Keep in mind that the writer doesn’t necessarily even feel this way
about the recipient in the long run. Often, magically, one’s anger and
conflict drop away after doing this exercise, and compassion fills the
void. It’s simply necessary to give some air time to the inner conflict
which exists. Then, with peace and without further injury, we can carry
on with this beautiful little life.
Dear Dad,
Sometimes I don't know how to feel about you. You were so hard on me,
and I know we’ve discussed it, and you would do it all over again in
exactly the same way.
Do you know how much your criticism and angry outbursts hurt me? I’m
still scared of conflict, and I’m a grown man! I know you think that your
way of pushing me was and is the key to my success, and maybe it is in
some ways, but I’m so f’ing MAD at you for creating this turmoil in
me! Even when I’m doing a good job, I never feel as if it’s good
enough. You never focused on what I did right. All we ever talked about
is what I did wrong, or how I could improve, or what else I could do to be
BETTER. Better!!!? Why wasn't I ever good enough for you?
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I’m sad when I think about it. I feel like I could cry. Why were you so
mean to a little kid? What did you need to accomplish through me? I’m
just pissed off and sad and I don’t know what to do with these feelings
sometimes. I just want to tell you off, but I know that’s not the answer. I
know you could never understand that I’m still holding onto this crap.
Sometimes I can’t even understand it.
II know that you love me, and I love you too. I really do, and sometimes
that feels like the problem. I want to just love you, but every time I go
there this anger rises in me and I want to hate you. Mostly because the
way you treated me still affects my relationships today. I find myself
being just like you with the kids sometimes, and that’s a doubleedged
sword. When I’m like you I feel awful, but when I stay strong and fight
the urge to judge them, I feel jealous and angry. Like, why should they
get off so easy? I didn’t.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready to let this go. At this point,
you are older and you’re much kinder to me than you used to be. I’m
going to keep working on it, but for now this is how I feel.
Love,
Your Son
FREEDOM FROM CHRONIC PAIN | © 2016 NICOLE SACHS