Stone House Associates is a group of independent mental health practitioners serving adults, adolescents and chil-dren. We provide a wide range of services, including in-dividual, couples, family and group therapy in a safe and comfortable environment.

Please join us in extending a warm welcome to our newest SHA member, Christina Oravec, MSW. Christina works with children, adolescents and adults and will be starting at Stone House Associates as of February 1st, 2009.

To receive an electronic version of this newsletter, or to offer comments or suggestions, please send an email request to us at info@stonehouseassociates.com.

WELCOME

366 DORSET ST., S. BURLINGTON, VT PHONE 654-7607 VOLUME 2, ISSUE 2

WINTER / SPRING 2009

Photo by Penny Irish. We welcome submissions for future publications. Please contact us at: 654-7607 or info@stonehouseassociates.com.

Our Colleagues:

Christine DiBlasio, PhD

Jan Ogilvie, MSW

Gail Hanson, MS

Carol Heffer, MA

Jill Entis, MSW

Benjamin Skolnik, PsyD

Lizabeth Pontzer, MD

Karen Okun, MA

Bruce Chalmer, PhD

Christina Oravec, MSW

Butterfly Moments By Lisa Maynes

NEWSLETTER

www.StoneHouseAssociates.com

A little over six years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. For two weeks I went a bit numb and disengaged from the act of truly living. Thankfully, at some point in my darkness my children’s faces and laughter shone through and I realized I was not able to show them the love that I felt for them while I was in this dark place. Always being someone who believed that everything happens for a reason, I be-gan to try to find a reason why this could have happened to me. Ultimately, I found reasons that made sense to me, which was all that mattered. It didn’t matter if my reasons made no sense to others, if they made sense to me then that logic would provide me with the energy I needed to push forward and get through this dark period in my life.

I began to analyze my life and where I felt I could be healthier and happier. I noticed how much time and energy I spent wishing things were different instead of appreciating what I had. Either I would allow negative feelings about what might have happened in the past consume my valuable time and energy, or I would spend too much time thinking about where I wish I were in life. I also noticed that I seemed to stress out about things that when looking back seemed a bit silly to have been stressing about. I mean really – I had just fin-ished treatment for cancer – what on earth was so terrible about being a few minutes late to the family dinner?

Both my children have taught me many wonderful lessons in life. It was at about this time as I was analyzing my life that my son taught me one of my favorite lessons which I frequently call upon to reground myself. My son has a developmental disability, and many times I see how simple his vision of the world is, and also how utterly beautiful it is. Sometimes I envy him.

On a fairly typical day after school we needed to run an errand so I could get home to make dinner. My son who had been engrossed in his games, was not happy to have to leave. It was a warm spring day, and as we walked out of the house to the car he was kicking sand, and grumbling to himself about how mad he was and how stupid I was to have to go do this darn errand. As I watched him grumble and kick sand I worried about if he was going to have a full blown meltdown, and then he looked up from the ground and saw a butterfly fly by him. His smile was ear to ear as he said “Butterfly!” He looked at me smiling and said “See that momma?” He was so happy about seeing the butterfly that he never even remembered how mad he had been.

I remember this so often. There are beautiful things all around me, and I really hope I do not waste too much time grumbling about what could have been or what I wish could be. I might miss the butterflies.

I remember when my daughter was three years old. What a cute age! One summer day we were standing in the front yard when a frog leapt out from under a bush and landed momentarily right in front of my daughter before it hopped away. She looked up at me with childhood amazement and said emphatically “Mommy, make another one”. In her eyes, I could do anything.

Boy, times have changed. My daughter is now 15 years old. She seems truly astonished that I have been able to function-- and parent-- without her advice up until now. Her input has inspired me to do one thing: read and reread numerous books on adoles-cence so that we might both best survive these years. Here are a couple of my favorites:

“Why do they act that way: A survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen”, by David Walsh, PhD. “Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” By Anthony Wolf, PhD.

Dr. Walsh highlights that the adolescent brain is essentially “under construction”. In fact, the limbic system and other neural cir-cuits of the brain involved in emotional regulation are still being developed during the teen years, contributing to the emotional intensity and unpredictability often seen during this time. In addition, the prefrontal cortex of the brain which is responsible for the ability to think ahead, consider consequences and inhibit impulses is not fully developed until young adulthood. So essentially, teens’ brain and behavior are somewhat analogous to a car equipped with an accelerator but without reliable brakes. This explains why even “good” kids do things that they themselves have trouble understanding and therefore explaining to adults later on. Per-haps you can recall such an incident (or two…) from your own adolescence, thanks to your then still developing brain. And of course, there are also hormonal influences, physical changes, shifts in friendships, dealing with parents, intense social and sexual pressures, decisions around drugs and alcohol, stress regarding academics/college applications, and the enormous task of developing a more complete sense of self. It really is a tough time for teens and those who care about them.

So in brief, below are some points to keep in mind as you parent your teen:

• Set clear expectations and consequences. • Stay calm when possible so that you can think more clearly and communicate more effectively. • Don’t personalize typical adolescent behavior; although directed at you, it may not be about you. • Keep expectations realistic. Remember the developing teenage brain. • Get support by talking with other parents of teens. • Keep your sense of humor. • Look for the positives. Adolescents really are wonderful in so many ways. • Listen to and love your teen, even when it is hard to do so. • Find ways to connect with your teen-even for brief moments. Taking them driving, cooking together, having family

meals—anything that allows you to touch base even briefly is helpful. Although your teen may resist or seem not to notice, continue to show that you care. • Savor and reflect upon the good moments so as to remember those aspects of your teen that warm your heart. This can

keep you going during the tough times. And these tips from my daughter (who kindly reviewed this article): • Be familiar with and interested in their world (texting, music, culture) but give them space. • Listen to your teen’s ideas; sometimes these ideas are quite good. • Try to see things from the teen’s point of view without “getting in their head” too much.

The good news is that parenting a teen is not about controlling your child’s behavior; thankfully, that is his/her job. It is about holding on while letting go, staying strong and involved while encouraging independence and individuality, and about accepting and processing those inevitable mistakes—both yours and theirs. It is about continuing to be open to the changes that you both need to make, and continuing to welcome and respect the wonderful person that they are becoming.

PARENTS & TEENS By Christine DiBlasio, Ph.D.

Christine DiBlasio, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 19 years of experience working with adolescents and adults dealing with a wide range of issues. To contact Christine, email cdiblasio@stonehouseassociates.com.

ASK OKUN Karen Okun earned her Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology at St. Michael’s College and has worked in the substance abuse field since graduating from the University of Vermont in 1988. She began to specialize in working with adolescents and their families when she started Student Assistance Programs in two school districts in 1991. For questions, or to make a referral, call Karen Okun at 654-7607

I have met with hundreds of young people over the years that find their way into my office compliments of their involvement with the Court Diversion program. The majority of these folks are not in need of treatment for sub-stance abuse. They are not budding career criminals with blatant disregard for the law. Most of these young peo-ple care a great deal about their families and are impacted profoundly by letting their parents down. Parents reac-tions are varied and include concern, fear, frustration, anger, and shame to name a few. Kids and parents are al-ways clashing when it comes to family rules, curfews, and such. I’ve heard more than one kid express sentiments such as “my parents are insane” and feel like their folks are too controlling or over-protective. I cannot count the number of times that parents have given me a harried look of desperation and asked me “when will they learn”? Good question, and my answer may lie in what sounds like semantics. It is not like teaching a dog to sit, it is an ongoing developmental process. I believe that these experiences can be teachable moments from which people learn. The semantics is that they are learning!!!

Developing consequential thinking is a skill that needs to be learned, and the learning comes from practicing. It is very easy to tell someone to think before they act, yet the reality is that many of us prefer immediate gratification. Weighing the potential dangers or consequences of our choices is not instinctual. On the most primal basis, we operate from a place of “if it feels good, do it”!!! Parents are often dumbfounded that their offspring will choose to hang out with their friends when their home work is not completed. How is it possible that playing a video game could come before taking out the garbage or doing other chores? Why is it that those of us with a sweet tooth might choose to attack dessert before dinner? Better yet, why are so many grown adults in serious debt with credit cards? Understanding that immediate gratification can lead us to trouble is a lesson that we learn and continue to learn and continue to learn. Feeling the pain of the choices that we make helps us, hopefully, to make different choices when faced with similar situations in the future. Binging on all of the Halloween candy left in the bowl may taste great when you are downing it, but that “URGHRHMPHMMPHHH” feeling that follows may make you think twice about doing it again, at least not in the near future. Usually the memory of the pain fades just in time to over-indulge by Thanksgiving!!! My point is this, sometimes we experience things that are so hard and painful that we learn right away. Other times, the consequences seem so disconnected from our choices or they don’t seem logically connected to the choice which makes the learning process more of an arduous task.

Parents need to try to keep things in perspective. Frame things from a health and safety point of view, not so much from a legal or moral place. Kids, try to understand that every parent’s worst nightmare is that their kid will make a choice that they can’t unmake. They are not insane, they are scared for you. They know that they cannot control what happens to you nor can they control the choices that you will make. They will ease up when they sense that you have that understanding that they want you to be more than OK, they want you to be happy and thrive and have all of the opportunities to have choice in your life down the road. Capisce?

WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?

366 Dorset St. Suite 10 Phone: 802-654-7607

Fax: 802-654-9155 http://www.stonehouseassociates.com

EMDR BY CAROL HEFFER, M.A.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is a therapy method that is used in healing trauma. It is useful for both early, repetitive incidents or single traumatic events. It can be used for hurts that happened when we were young or events that happened recently. It is useful because it speeds up the process of healing and re-quires less repetition of the hurtful incident and less discussing of details which reduces feeling re-traumatized. When I first heard about EMDR, the actual process made sense to me because it was similar to the way I already worked in ther-apy. It’s a special process because it not only creates tools to cope in your present life, which is a very important part of therapy, but it actually helps reduce the reactions we have to the actual hurtful memory and to things in our present life that remind us of the hurt.

We don’t understand exactly how it works, but it is believed that when we are learning, our brain takes in information and files it like a good computer, so we can use the information later in a similar situation. It appears, through modern imaging, that in a traumatic situation, where there is neither time nor support to understand what happened, the infor-mation is stored as a single mass of information. In later situations, if any part of the experience is repeated, either in what you see, hear, smell, taste or feel, the original experience and/or reactions to the experience will be brought to mind, as if you are experiencing the same situation all over again in the present. This reaction is probably not the best reaction for the present situation and will not create the outcome you would want.

It’s important to use EMDR thoughtfully. I would use it with a client firstly, only if the client wanted to use the proc-ess. The client would have to have enough support and/or stability in the present to be able to handle some additional stress, as the process moves the healing faster and so brings up more feelings more quickly. When someone is presently in a dangerous or unstable situation or unable to tolerate additional emotions in the present I would not introduce EMDR.

Clients have reacted differently to EMDR, as we are all different. Some clients don’t like it and some find it extremely helpful and productive. With EMDR, the client is in control of the process and so can stop it whenever they want. Those who have found EMDR useful usually find gradual changes in their behavior that feels very natural.

For myself, when I studied EMDR I had to use it with another student. We practiced on each other and so I got to see how it worked on me. I can say that after the session, and now, I could remember the incident I worked on but it no longer had an affect on me. It was like it was an event that just happened, no big deal. Before I worked on it with EMDR it brought up anger, hurt and shame.

If you’re interested, you can find out more about EMDR. If you have access to the internet you can use the link: www.emdr.com, or you can simply call my office and I would be happy to talk with you.

To receive an electronic version of this newsletter, email us at info@stonehouseassociates.com

Carol R. Heffer, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, has level II training in EMDR. Carol can be reached by calling 654-7607 ext 4 or by emailing cheffer@stonehouseassociates.com.