my divorced sister

MY DIVORCED SISTER

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. HOME - DAY

The doorbell rings. A few seconds later, LEXY (60, GreekAmerican, with accent) opens the door to reveal her daughterLYDIA (33, attractive).

LEXYLydia. Um. Hi. What brings youhere?

LYDIAI need to talk to you aboutsomething.

LEXYOK. Come in.

Lydia walks in, and Lexy closes the door behind her.

LEXYUm. I think I know what you came totell me.

LYDIAYou do?

LEXYOf course I do. Im your mother. Ican tell. Youre pregnant.

LYDIASo youre calling me fat?

LEXYWhat?

LYDIAYou said I look pregnant, I knowIm not pregnant--so if you think Ilook pregnant, and Im not actuallypregnant, then how am I not fat?

LEXYI didnt say you looked pregnant.Its just, when my 33 year olddaughter drops by and says shewants to talk about something, Iexpect her to announce that shestwo or three months pregnant.

LYDIAReally? I cant drop by and talkabout something else--like, um,work, or politics

2.

LEXYYou came over here to talk aboutpolitics?

LYDIANo. The point is, life isnt justabout having kids. So, you know. Wecan talk about other stuff. Likework, and goals, and sports, andmoney, and friends, and, um,politics.

LEXYFine. Lets talk about politics.Ive always wondered--who does thePresidents laundry? Its justweird to think, someone handles thePresidents underwear.

LYDIAMom--Im not here to talk aboutpolitics, or underwear, orpolitical underwear!

LEXYLydia. Are you, uh--you know. Is itthat time of the month for you?

LYDIASo you think Im being bitchy?

LEXYWhat?

LYDIAMom--you just said I sound PMS-y, Iknow Im not going through PMS--soif I sound like I am but Im not,then how are you not calling me abitch?

LEXYBecause. I dont know what the hellyou just said. Now, uh--whatsgoing on?

The doorbell rings again.

LEXYHold that thought.

Lexy opens the door to reveal ZOE (32, attractive, thin).Zoe sees Lydia and Lexy.

3.

ZOEHey. Um. Am I interruptingsomething?

LEXYNo. Your sister was just talking tome about how she doesnt have PMS.

ZOEOh. Well. I just dropped by to tellyou something.

LEXYOK. So--youre pregnant.

ZOENo.

LEXYWell. Come in. And for goodnesssake, Zoe--eat something whileyoure here. No wonder youre notpregnant. You look way too thin tobe ovulating. By the way,girls--when you hit 35, your eggsarent gonna be as ovulate-able asthey used to be. So, you know. Keepthat in mind.

Zoe walks in, and Lexy closes the door behind her.

LYDIAYou said Zoe looks thin. Whichmeans you think Im fat.

LEXYHow does it mean that?

LYDIAYou said she looks thin, and yousaid I look pregnant.

Lexy walks away. Lydia and Zoe look at each other, confused.Lexy walks back holding a half sandwich, and she hands it toLydia.

LEXYLydia--you also look thin. Eat thatsandwich right now, so youll weighenough to ovulate.

4.

LYDIAIm ovulating just fine. And Imway too fat to eat this.

LEXY(to Zoe)

So what did you come here to tellme?

ZOEWell. Um. Lets see. How shall Iput this? ... You know that guy whokeeps on pissing me off?

LEXYWhat guy who keeps on pissing youoff?

ZOEThe one who lives at my apartment.

LEXY... You mean your husband?

ZOEYes. Thats the guy

LEXYWhat about him?

ZOEWere, uh, getting some legaldocuments.

LEXYWhat legal documents?

ZOEThe ones you get at the end of amarriage.

LEXY... You mean divorce papers?

ZOEYes.

LEXY(concerned)

What? Oh, dear.

Lexy hugs Zoe.

5.

LEXYIm so sorry.

Meanwhile, Lydia is looking at Zoe with an ice coldexpression. Seconds later, Zoe notices her. They look ateach other for a few seconds.

ZOE(annoyed, curious)

What?

Lydia takes a bite of her sandwich, and chews it as shecontinues to stare ate Zoe.

ZOEWhat?

Lydia answers with her mouth full.

LYDIAHeres what. I came here to tellmom that Im getting a divorce!

ZOEWhat?

LYDIAThis is so typical of you, youattention whore. You just had toannounce a divorce right before Iannounced my divorce, so you couldsteal my spotlight. Why couldntyou break up with John a year ago,or a year from now?!

ZOEOnce again. What?

Lydia throws her sandwich at Zoe.

ZOEMom--shes crazy! Are you gonna saysomething?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Lexy puts a tray of spanakopita (Greek spinach pie) on akitchen table where Zoe and Lydia are seated.

LEXYI wouldve made more--but I didntknow the two of you would drop by

(MORE)

6.

LEXY (contd)to announce your divorces. Nexttime call first.

LYDIADont worry. Theres enough herefor ten people. Why would you makethis much for your own lunch?

LEXYWell. You know. I made some extra,just in case someone dropped by.

LYDIAWho?! Do you realize how manypeople would have to drop by to eatthis much food?

LEXYWhat? Whats the big deal? Youknow. If I make too much, Ill justgo to my sisters house and giveher some leftovers.

LYDIAYoure gonna give leftovers to AuntTina? She makes ten times as muchfood as you do. Shes the one whotries to come here and give youleftovers.

LEXYZoe--will you please tell yoursister to just eat her food and notmake a big deal about nothing?

ZOEMom--this is ridiculous. Why are weeating spanakopita?

LEXYWhats wrong with my spanakopita?Honey--are you doing that stupidlow carb thing again?

ZOE... Lets rewind back five minutes.OK? I told you that Im getting adivorce. Lydia told you that shesgetting a divorce. And now, werestaring at a tray of spanakopita.Does that make sense to you?

7.

LEXYYes. Honey. Listen. You need toeat.

ZOEUm. Me and Lydia need to betrashing our husbands right now.Because thats what youre supposedto do after you break up with yourhusband.

LEXYNo. Youre supposed to eat. OK? Soright now, lets just have somehigh carbs, and maybe figure outwhere you two are gonna live.

LYDIAWell. Lets see. Zoes rich--so shecan live wherever. As for my brokeass, my rents due soon, and Imnot gonna stick around to pay it.So I was hoping to stay here andeat spanakopita for, like, a year.

LEXYSee? Its a good thing I made somuch.

ZOE(to Lydia)

Um. That part about me you saidearlier. "Zoes rich." That mightnot be 100% accurate.

LYDIAHow accurate is it?

ZOEWell. Lets just say that its100% inaccurate.

LYDIAHow is it 100% inaccurate? Yourewearing the same Louboutin heelsthat Angelina Jolie wears, and youlive in a penthouse apartment nextto the Baldwins.

ZOEBaldwins? My neighbor is BillyBaldwin. Id rather live next doorto a crack addict. And I probablywill soon.

8.

LEXYWhat are you talking about? TheDodgers gave Sebastian $7 million.And your his wife. So you get half.

ZOEWell. The math is a little morecomplicated than that. He got cutfrom the team two years ago--sothey only gave him 4 million of his$7 million contract.

LEXYAnd you get half.

ZOETheres more math. The governmentand Sebastians agent and managergot 2 million of the 4 million. Sothat only leaves 2 million.

LEXYRight. And you get half.

ZOETheres more math.

LEXYMore math?

ZOELets see. We also lost $400,000 onan investment.

LYDIAWhat investment?

ZOESebastian invested in a companythat makes nostalgic cigarettes forsenior citizens.

LYDIAUm. What?

ZOEYeah. Its a company thatencourages people in their 70s tostart smoking again--and to votefor Eisenhower again. So we lost$400,000 of our $2 million onthat--which brought our total downto 1.6 million.

9.

LEXYAnd you get half. I think.

ZOEThink again. Theres moremath. See. While Sebastian wasplaying for the Dodgers, we spentsome of the 1.6 million. And afterhe retired two years ago, we spentsome more of the 1.6 million.

LEXYSo. What do you get half of?

ZOEWell. Lets see. Right now, wereabout to be evicted, we have$53,000 in credit card debt, andour main assets are my left shoeand my right shoe.

LEXYAnd, um--you get half.

ZOEYes, I get half. That means I getmy left shoe.

LYDIAI guess nows a bad time to ask youfor a loan.

ZOEWell. I can loan you my shoe.Oh--and I can loan you my Mercedesbetween now and the time I have toreturn it to the dealership.

LYDIAAnd when do you have to return it?

LEXYWell. Lets do some more math. Itwas a 24 month lease. So, I have toreturn the car at 4 oclock,yesterday. The dealership has leftme five me messages about that.They wont stop calling. Itspathetic. Theyre like somecrazy ex-boyfriend who doesntunderstand that our relationship isover.

10.

LYDIAWell, the good news is, soontheyll stop calling.

LEXYGreat.

LYDIAAnd the bad news is, theyll sendover a repo guy to take your carand beat your ass.

LEXYListen, girls. I was thinking.Since I dont have much room here,how about you move into the condoon Oak Street? My tenant just movedout two days ago.

LYDIABut you need the rent money. Icant even pay my half of it rightnow. And as youre well aware, mysisters assets are two shoes, a 24inch waist, and 5 cents worth ofjob skills.

ZOEHey! Ill have you know that I havea 23 inch waist.

LEXY(to both of them)

Dont worry about rent money rightnow. Listen. Theres a furnishedapartment five blocks from here.

(Looks at Zoe)You should live there.

(Looks at Lydia)And you should live there. The twoof you. Together. You may notrealize it right now, but its justwhat you need. I think so. And yourfather, God rest his soul, wouldthink the same thing. OK? Lets go.

LYDIAWhat? Now?

LEXYAbsolutely now. You know whatmoping is?

11.

LYDIAYes.

LEXYWell. By moving into thatapartment, you wont be moping.Youll be moving.

LYDIAExcuse me?

LEXYMoving isnt moping. Moping isntmoving. Why mope when you can move?Move. Dont mope.

ZOEMom. We just got here.

LEXYAnd now were moving. Lets go.Move it.

ZOEWhat about the spanakopita?

LEXYWell take it with us.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

The three of them park on the street in front of abuilding--Zoe in her Mercedes, Lydia in her Honda, and Lexyin her Volkswagen.

INT. APARTMENT UNIT - DAY

The door opens. Lexy, Lydia, and Zoe walk in to a small,semi-furnished, one bedroom apartment. Zoe is holding twotupperware containers full of spanakopita.

ZOE(to empty room)

Lucy--Im home.

LEXYGirls. This is a lovely apartment.And now youre single, and you canhave all the fun you had when youwere 22 and fresh out of college.

12.

ZOEYeah. And as an added bonus, Im adecade older, Im a soon-to-bedivorcee with no money or jobskills, and I need to startBotoxing yesterday at 4 oclock.

LEXYWhat nonsense. Youre a a vibrant,energetic girl with plenty ofskills. Isnt that right, Lydia?

Lydia looks at Zoe.

LYDIAYou need to start Botoxing? Impretty sure you started two yearsago at 4 oclock.

ZOEIf I were holding a sandwich rightnow, Id throw it at you.

LEXYGirls. Listen. Forget aboutthrowing sandwiches. You two aregonna love living here.

LYDIAI feel fat.

LEXYEveryone feels fat when they moveinto a new apartment.

LYDIANo. Everyone feels fat when theyare fat.

She grabs one of the tupperware containers from Zoe, opensit, takes out of piece of spanakopita, and starts eating it.

LEXYLets, uh, take a look around.

She walks them over to the bedroom. They notice a bare bed.

ZOEWe forgot to bring sheets andblankets and pillows.

13.

LEXYDont worry. Ill bring some over.Its a lovely bedroom.

ZOEIt is. But it only has one bed. Inother words, Im a 32 year divorceewho sleeps in the same bed as mydivorced sister.

LYDIADitto--except Im 33 years old.

LEXYYoure missing the point.

LYDIAWhats the point?

LEXYThe point is, youre single, andnow you can have all of the fun youhad when you were 22 and fresh outof college!

Zoe takes out a cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking.Lexy looks at her.

ZOEWhat? I used to smoke a lot when Iwas 22.

LYDIAI wonder what Chris is doing rightnow.

ZOEI know what Sebastians doingright now. Hes doing hisgirlfriend.

LEXYIs it the same girlfriend you foundabout last year?

ZOEOh no. Not Nicole. Nicole was aslutty college girl. Sebastiangraduated from college girls, andmoved on to Amber--a slutty highschool girl!

14.

LEXYHigh school?! Youre kidding!

ZOEShes not 22 and fresh out ofcollege. Shes 18 and fresh out ofbraces and a training bra. Shedrives a Jetta, she listens to KatyPerry, she posted 27 pictures thismonth on Instagram, 12 of thosepictures are half naked selfies.Oh--and according to some guy namedJudge Thompson, Im not allowedwithin a hundred yards of her highschool! Yeah. I had a littlealtercation with her at SouthTorrance High. Im no longerwelcome there.

LYDIAYou had an altercation? Did youpunch her?

ZOENo I didnt punch her! I like tothink Im a little more mature thanthat.

LYDIAWell. What mature thing did you do?

ZOEI maturely grabbed her water bottleand splashed her in the face.

LYDIAThats about as mature as the timeI threw a sandwich at you. But youwant to know whos reallyimmature? Sebastian. The 36 yearold guy whos running around withhigh school girls. His girlfriendis literally half his age.

LEXY(to Zoe)

Yes. Exactly. I mean, thats justwho he is. It has nothing to dowith you. Youre a wonderful girl.

(turns to Lydia)So are you.

15.

ZOE(to Lydia)

So why are you and Chris getting adivorce?

LYDIAWell. For starters, hes sleepingwith a 17 year old girl.

ZOEWhat?!

LYDIAIm kidding. I just wanted to be anattention whore like you. Anyways,heres Chris. You know Chris,right? This sums up most of Chris.Beer. Sports. Couch. He sits on thecouch, watches sports, and drinksbeer. And then he expects us tohave sex. And when we dont, hesall like, "Why arent we havingsex? After all, I spent sevenhours sitting on the sofa watchingsports and drinking beer." Ourrelationship has gotten more andmore meaningless every year. Andthen a few weeks ago, I realizedit: I have a closer relationshipwith my waxing lady than I do withmy husband. I might as well livewith her.

LEXYAre you saying youre a lesbian?

ZOEAnd you prefer skinny Asian women?

LYDIANo. Im saying my relationship withChris has gone from dull tononexistent. Meanwhile, hisrelationship with his golf clubshas become really intimate.

ZOEUm. Are you saying he puts golfclubs up his ass?

LYDIANo. Hes just really into golf.When hes not sitting on the sofa

(MORE)

16.

LYDIA (contd)or at his office, hes playinggolf.

ZOESo youre getting divorced becauseyoure closer to your waxing ladyand hes closer to his golf clubsthan you are to each other.

LYDIAYeah. I mean, Im not gonna staymarried to some guy who shoves golfclubs up his ass.

ZOEI thought you said he didnt dothat.

LYDIAI meant metaphorically. He doesthat with his golf clubs in ametaphorical sense. Oh. And hewatches golf porn, too.

ZOEMetaphorically?

LYDIANo. Literally. He literally watchesgolf-themed pornography. I wentthrough his internet history, andfound lots of golf porn.

LEXYWhat exactly is golf porn?Actually, no. Dont tell me.Actually, tell me. Im curious.

LYDIAWell. He watched one video where aTiger Woods lookalike is on a golfcart, and he gets pulled over by asexy cop on another golf cart.Oh--and theres another video wherean Israeli and a Palestinian havesex in a sand trap. And thentheres another one thats way toovulgar for me to describe. And thentheres another one thats evenmore vulgar than that lastone. Yeah. Thats the type ofstuff Chris watches.

17.

ZOESo you just broke up with him?

LYDIAIt was a long time coming. Youknow? So now, Im single. Youresingle. Were single.

LEXYListen. Let me tell you twosomething. A womans life doesnthave to revolve around herrelationships with men. OK? Dontlet that define you. A lot of womendo. Its degrading.

LYDIAOh. So youre a feminist now?

ZOEAnd you prefer skinny Asian women?

LEXYThe point is, you can just be aperson. You dont have to bedefined by a man. Or a skinny Asianwoman.

LYDIAAnd what about the whole ovulationthing? What about my eggs?

LEXYYour eggs are fine.

LYDIAIm 33.

LEXYYou know my cousin Chloe? She gotpregnant at 47. I just saw her atthe supermarket. She was buyingMaalox for herself and diapers forher son. ... Listen. Im gonna goback to my house and pick up someblankets and stuff. You two takeyour suitcases out of your cars,and just unpack, and hang out here.OK?

18.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Lydia and Zoe re blowing on their nails, after havingpainted them.

ZOEIm gonna look really good for thatrepo guy when he takes my Mercedes.

LYDIAWell, even if it doesnt work outbetween the two of you, its allgood. Its just like that lesbianfeminist said earlier today: youdont have to be defined by a man.

ZOEOr a job. Because I dont have oneof those.

LYDIAWell. Maybe you should get one.

ZOEOK. Which one?

LYDIAWell. Um. You like shoes--right?

ZOEYeah. Maybe I can work forChristian Louboutin.

LYDIAI was thinking Payless Shoe Stores.

ZOEWell stop thinking that.

The doorbell rings. Both of them walk to the door, and Lydiaopens it to reveal PHIL (28).

PHILDont just stand there. Both ofyou--give your little brother a bighug! Lets go.

They all hug.

PHILYou know, I figured Id be thefirst one of us to get divorced. Iguess Im gonna be the last one.

19.

(looks around)This is a sweet crib. I have a goodidea. How about three days a week,I use this place as a bachelor pad,and you two hang out with my wifeand kids?

ZOEUh. Where are your wife and kids?

PHILAt home. Kyra thinks Im hangingout with the guys. Because I liedto her. I lie to her a lot.Sometimes I do it just for fun. Butthis time, I did it cause, youknow. I didnt feel like tellingher about your divorces, and thenhearing her commentary on them.

ZOEWell--whats your commentary onthem?

PHILMy commentary is, you two are thebest sisters I could ask for, andyoure great girls, and yourhusbands were lucky to be marriedto you, and youre gonna meet muchbetter guys any day now, andSebastian is an asshole.

ZOEUm...

She takes out her phone, presses a button, and points thephone at Phil to record him.

ZOECan you repeat that last part?

PHILSebastian is an asshole.

She presses another button.

ZOEThanks.

Zoe presses another button, and plays back the recording.

20.

PHIL (ON PHONE)Sebastian is an asshole.

Zoe presses the button again.

PHIL (ON PHONE)Sebastian is an asshole.

LYDIA(to Phil)

Well what about Chris? Isnt he anasshole?

PHILHonestly, I kind of like Chris.

Lydia looks pissed at Phil.

PHILBut when it comes to your divorce,youre 100% right about everything,and hes 100% wrong.

Lydia still looks pissed.

PHILAnd I dont really like him thatmuch.


PHILI dont like him at all. I hatethat son if a bitch. By the way--Ihave plans to play golf with himnext Sunday. Should I cancel?


PHILIll cancel them. I dont likeChris.


PHILAnd I dont like golf. Golf isstupid. Tiger Woods is a loser. Andnext Sunday, Im gonna use my 9iron to beat Chris over the head.

21.

ZOEHe might prefer to have you shoveit up his ass.

PHILWhat?

ZOEIts a long story. Involving golfporn.

Lydia takes out her phone.

LYDIA(to Phil)

So what are you gonna do to Chriswith your golf club?

PHILIm gonna beat him over the head.

She presses a button on the phone, and plays back therecording.

PHIL (ON PHONE)Im gonna beat him over the head.

PHIL(to Lydia)

Um. If you kill Chris, make surethe cops dont hear that during themurder investigation.

(to Lydia and Zoe)Anyways, I brought some boardgames.

ZOEMonopoly? That looks old. Wheredyou get that?

PHILI have a pile of our old stuff atmy house.

LYDIAWe are not gonna play Monopoly.

22.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Moments later, theyre seated at the table, with an openMonopoly box in front of them. Phil gives Zoe and Lydia sidehugs simultaneously.

PHILMe and my sisters. Hanging out.Playing Monopoly. This is awesome.... Sorry about your divorces,though. Let me set everything up.

He shuffles through some of the boxs contents. Zoe spotssomething.

ZOEWhat is that? Is it... marijuana?

PHILOh yeah. I used to hide mymarijuana in this game.

He rolls a joint, takes out a lighter, and lights the joint.LYDIA

What are you doing? You cant smokethat.

PHILDont worry. I have a prescription.

LYDIAYour prescription isnt for the tenyear old marijuana youre smoking.

PHILCalm down. Its not like the copscheck to see if your marijuanamatches your prescription. Theydont do any carbon datingtests. ... You want some?

LYDIANo!

PHILLydia--youre supposed to just sayno. You dont have to yell it. Justsay it like this. "No."

LYDIAFine. No.

Phil offers the marijuana cigarette to Zoe.

23.

PHIL(to Zoe)

And you?

ZOENo thanks. I shouldnt take anydrugs. Im probably gonna belooking for a job tomorrow. They dodrug tests--dont they?

The doorbell rings.

LYDIAWho could that be?

ZOEIts probably the cops. Theyregonna do the carbon dating test.

They walk over to the door, and Zoe opens it to revealLexys mother ALEXANDRA (80, looks young for her age, Greekwith thick accent).

ZOEGrandma!

PHILHi grandma. Welcome to Casa deDivorce.

JANE(to Lydia)

Hi honey.

ZOEGrandma. What are you doing here?

Alexandra hugs her.

ALEXANDRAI heard about you and Sebastian.

She looks at Lydia.

ALEXANDRAAnd I heard about you and Chris.

She hugs Lydia.

She looks at Phil.

24.

ALEXANDRAWhats that youre smoking?

PHILIts, uh, tobacco.

ALEXANDRAIt doesnt smell like tobacco.

PHILIts a rare type of tobacco calledmarijuana.

ALEXANDRAPhilip--Im very disappointed inyou.

PHIL... You want to take a hit?

JANEA hit? ... OK.

She takes the joint from Phil.LYDIA

Grandma!

ALEXANDRADont worry. I have a prescription.

LYDIAWho doesnt have a prescription?

ZOE(to Alexandra)

Wheres grandpa?

ALEXANDRAHes asleep. He went to bed at 8.

ZOEWell--thats good. He usually goesto bed at 7:30.

ALEXANDRAYeah. Hes becoming a real wildman. One month from now, hell beusing cocaine and prostitutes. ...I have a good idea. Lets take aselfie.

She takes out her iPhone.

25.

ALEXANDRAI just learned how to do this.Marilina taught me.

ZOEMarilina? Shes, like, ten yearsolder than you!

ALEXANDRABut she knows about computers.Shes very smart. She even triedteaching me Instant-ham--but Ididnt know what the hell she wastalking about.

PHILInstant-ham?

ZOE(to Alexandra)

Um. You mean Instagram?

ALEXANDRAYes. I think.

LYDIAGrandma--youre gonna take apicture of yourself while youreholding a joint?

ZOEDont worry. We have twoprescriptions.

Lexy opens the door using her key, and sees Alexandraholding up the phone in one hand and the joint in the other.Lexy is holding three tupperware containers.

LEXYUm. What did I miss?

ALEXANDRAWere taking a selfie and smoking adoobie.

PHILThats the first time anyones everused the words "selfie" and"doobie" in the same sentence.

LEXYI better close the door, beforesomebody sees the doobie.

26.

She closes the door.

PHIL(to Alexandra)

Grandma--how do you know the worddoobie?

ALEXANDRAI know doobie. I know lots ofslang. Like, um, "gag me with aspoon."

PHILGaga me with a spoon? Where did youlearn slang from--Saved by theBell?

LEXY(to Zoe and Lydia)

I brought you dinner. Moussaka.

ZOEYou just made that?

LEXYNo. I got it from your Aunt Tina.By the way--she wants to set you upwith someone. Do you know StavrosConstantinides?

ZOEMom. Im not even divorced yet. Imnot ready to go on a date withStavros Constantinides. And by theway, Im never gonna go on a datewith Stavros Constantinides.

LEXYOh. You know him?

ZOENo. But he sounds way too Greek forme. Fine me someone whos 80% lessGreek. Or better yet, 100% lessGreek.

ALEXANDRAI know Stavros Constantinides. Hesa nice boy, and hes not thatGreek. Lydia--you should date him.

27.

LYDIAAnd you should stop smokingmarijuana, Grandma.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Two hours later, its just Zoe, Lydia, and Lexy, sitting onsofas, in front of a half full tupperware containerof Moussaka, and a finished Monopoly game.

LYDIAI feel fat.

ZOEYoure not fat.

LYDIAWell, sitting next to you and yoursize 0 jeans, I feel fat.

Lydia grabs the third-to-last piece of Moussaka out of thecontainer, and takes a bite.

LYDIAAnd now I feel a little bit fatter.

ZOEWell--if it makes you feel anybetter, Ive gained three poundsover the last five years.

LYDIAThree pounds in five years? Thatmakes me feel worse. You went fromborderline anorexic to perfect.Youre the skinny girl, and Imyour fat sister.

ZOEMom--tell her shes not fat.

LEXYWell. Sitting next to the two ofyou, I feel fat.

LYDIAMom--youre not fat.

ZOEYeah mom--youre not fat.

28.

LEXYWell, in that case...

She grabs the second-to-last slice of Moussaka and takes abite.

LYDIA(to Zoe)

You want the last piece?

ZOEHell no. I dont want to be fatlike the two of you. ... Imkidding.

She grabs the last piece and takes a bite.

ZOENo ones fat.

Lexy gets up.

LEXYOK. Im gonna take my fat ass home.Are you two gonna be OK alone?

ZOEYeah.

LYDIAYeah.

LEXYWhat are you gonna have forbreakfast tomorrow?

ZOECigarettes.

LEXYDont smoke, honey. Come over to myhouse, Ill make you an omelet, andmaybe help you find a job.

ZOEA job? Uggh.

She takes out a cigarette, lights it, and takes a puff.

LYDIAMaybe I can get you a job at thenail salon.

29.

Zoe just stares at Lydia, and takes another puff of thecigarette.

LEXYOK. Im gonna go. Have fun, girls.

ZOEMom. Thanks. For everything. Theapartment, the spanakopita--andjust, you.

LYDIAYeah. Especially you. Thanks.

LEXYYoure welcome.

She walks out.

ZOEDid I mention that Sebastiansgirlfriend is 18 years old? Barely18. 18 and 25 days. I wonder ifhes with her right now.

LYDIAIll bet you Chris is watching ESPNright now. He probably doesnt evenknow Im gone. You know, the goodthing about living with you is thatnow I wont have to deal with Christrying to have sex with me afterSportscenter.

ZOEThats the good thing about livingwith me?

LYDIAOh. And you smell much better thanChris. Even with your cigarettes.

ZOE(sarcastically)

Thank you so much for thecompliments.

LYDIACome on. No. Im--Im honestlyhappy that youre here with me.

30.

ZOEReally?

LYDIAReally.

ZOEWell, Im happy youre here withme. ... I gotta stop smoking. Andwe gotta go shopping. We need somefood, and a bell for our butler,and an ash tray. What kind ofcereal do you like?

LYDIAFruit Loops.

ZOEOK. Ill buy a box with one of mycredit cards. Add $4 to the 53,000in debt.

LYDIAWell. Shall we go to bed, Lucy?

ZOENow youre Ricky? I thought I wasRicky.

LYDIAWell, Im the one who has to go towork tomorrow. So Im Ricky.

ZOERight. Maybe tomorrow, Ill get ajob at a candy factory.

LYDIAOr you can stomp grapes with yourfeet. By the way--after we get theash tray and the Fruit Loops, weneed to buy another bed.

ZOEYeah. Because Lucy and Ricky sleptin separate beds.

Lydia gets up.

LYDIAIm gonna go to sleep. Are youcoming?

31.

ZOEYeah. I guess I cant hang out hereand watch I Love Lucy. By theway--sorry about your divorce.

LYDIASorry about your divorce.

ZOEIts all good. Now we can have allof the fun we had when we were 22and fresh out of college.

Lydia stares at Zoe for a couple of seconds, and then walksaway.

my divorced sister

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