Thoughts, Ideas & Judgments: A Small Collection of Poems and A Short Story

By: Carrie M. Harvey

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Table of Contents

Poems• Vacation• Electric Bill• Football• Sunsets• Friends • Don’t Question Me• Four Little Words

Short Story• Mothers

Vacation

The shoreline waves are rolling Over the tips of my painted toenailsThe sun seems to be beating down And Sweat forms on my top lip Yet the water remains ice-coldAnd Goosebumps begin to cover my

legs I’m quivery and shaky positioned in

the icy water I depart from the ice and back to my

blanketBut I still shiver

The seagulls are flying Just mere feet above my headLike paper airplanes in grade

school But I duck as I feel the wind off

their wingsBecause I don’t want to be peckedAnd that fear devours my thoughts

The warm sand falls slowlyThrough the cracks of my fingersLike nerds candy into the hands of

childrenThe sun is warming almost burning To the tops of my shouldersBut no stress is felt on the beachNo angry words are heard at the

ocean’s side

Electric Bill

The bill was not paid againAnd now that is why I amSitting in the dark alone My eyes are strained, shuffling Through all the past-due bills Gas, Water, Telephone, Electric,Rent, Credit Card Payments,Doctor Bills,Car Payment, Internet, Television,Car InsuranceSo many past due bills

The papers stick and graze The tips of my fingersLooking for that specific bill I just need this one for nowI need the Energy Bill I need to pay it, not just for me But for my family I thought I knew just where it wasI can not see a thingNo light to turn onNo flash light to useAll I need is some light Just a little light

FootballFootballWith Fall comes Football With Fall comes Football Fall is crisp and chilly Fall is crisp and chilly So are the gamesSo are the games I go with three I go with three Of my closet friends Of my closet friends The Bengals vs. The Browns 2005The Bengals vs. The Browns 2005We parked the carWe parked the carAnd started to walk And started to walk The stadium felt like miles awayThe stadium felt like miles awayI saw an old man I saw an old man Dressed in orange and black Dressed in orange and black Standing on the corner chanting Standing on the corner chanting ““Who Dey”Who Dey”He has probably been a fan for yearsHe has probably been a fan for yearsHis jeans are faded and tornHis jeans are faded and tornHis beard is scruffyHis beard is scruffyHis sweatshirt is tight in the gut His sweatshirt is tight in the gut I wonder if he is even going to the game I wonder if he is even going to the game Maybe he stands on that corner every weekMaybe he stands on that corner every weekPumping everyone up who walks byPumping everyone up who walks by

We get to the stadium finally We get to the stadium finally With tons of people With tons of people Pushing and packing their way inPushing and packing their way inThe walk was long The walk was long It was cool and crisp It was cool and crisp Just like fall Just like fall Just like football Just like football All I can think about is the gameAll I can think about is the gameI am hope to get ticketsI am hope to get ticketsThis trip would be a total wasteThis trip would be a total wasteI want to see this gameI want to see this gameI have been to many games I have been to many games But every game is just as importantBut every game is just as importantThe Bengals haven’t beat the Browns The Bengals haven’t beat the Browns Both times in a year for ten yearsBoth times in a year for ten yearsI have to see this gameI have to see this gameThe intensity, The thrill, The love for the The intensity, The thrill, The love for the

gamegameThe love for fall The love for fall The love for footballThe love for football

Sunsets

The day is ending As we watch the sunset The night has just begun As we walk hand and handHis hand seems to swallow mineWith his massive palms and giant

fingersHis palms are calloused from

hours of workStriping rooftops and laying

shinglesHis nails are short and rigidFrom biting them all day long

I rub my thumb over his knuckles And feel his fine blonde hairs That covers the tops of his

knucklesI hold on tight, hoping to never let

goMy palm starts to sweat As I am walked to the doorI don’t want this night to endI know I must say good night All I can do is look forward To the next time I see my love

FriendsFriendsFFamily that knows everything about you from your favorite amily that knows everything about you from your favorite color to your deepest secretscolor to your deepest secrets

RReasons to go out on a friendly night or sit at home and watch easons to go out on a friendly night or sit at home and watch the Bengal’s games on Sundaysthe Bengal’s games on Sundays

IInteresting conversations about subjects you would not bring nteresting conversations about subjects you would not bring up to just anyoneup to just anyone

EEncourage each other to accomplish every goal we havencourage each other to accomplish every goal we have

NNights where all you want to do is eat chips and dip and ights where all you want to do is eat chips and dip and watch Biggest Loserwatch Biggest Loser

DDrive to random places at weird times at nightrive to random places at weird times at night

SSharing clothes and doing laundry togetherharing clothes and doing laundry together

Don’t Question Me

I know who I am

What I am made of

Who I get my attitude from

I know I’m not close to perfect

But at least I can say I know what I stand for

I will not stand for you questioning my integrity

Hurting my friends

Or making someone feel littler than you

I will not stand to be judged

Or told that I am not funny

I will not sit here and listen to your lies

So don’t waste your breath

On telling me what I don’t know

I know who I am

And you can’t change me

Four Little WordsI went to class todayI went to class today

Your desk was emptyYour desk was empty

I turned to talk I turned to talk

but you weren't there.but you weren't there.

I keep forgetting that dreadful nightI keep forgetting that dreadful night

you left in such a rushyou left in such a rush

you said that you were drivingyou said that you were driving

but Taylor took your keys.but Taylor took your keys.

He had tossed a few back that nightHe had tossed a few back that night

but I'm sure you didn't know.but I'm sure you didn't know.

As you drove off with himAs you drove off with him

you turned and waved goodbyeyou turned and waved goodbye

little did we both know you would never little did we both know you would never return.return.

He thought he was paying attentionHe thought he was paying attention

but the car jumped the curb.but the car jumped the curb.

I hate to think you felt any pain.I hate to think you felt any pain.

I really hope it was quick.I really hope it was quick.

You didn't deserve to die that way,You didn't deserve to die that way,

I really miss you Nick.I really miss you Nick.

Before I left class today I checked just Before I left class today I checked just to make sureto make sure

your seat was still empty and you still your seat was still empty and you still weren't there.weren't there.

My eye catches a glimpse of movement My eye catches a glimpse of movement from the seat right by my side,from the seat right by my side,

He lifts his head and wipes the tears he He lifts his head and wipes the tears he tried so hard to hide.tried so hard to hide.

I turn to see the distraught face we I turn to see the distraught face we used to call a friend. used to call a friend.

but that night in the car brought our but that night in the car brought our friendship to an end.friendship to an end.

I couldn't bring myself to say,I couldn't bring myself to say,

  that simple little phrase.that simple little phrase.

When start to speak to him I stutter at When start to speak to him I stutter at his gaze.his gaze.

If you were here you surely would have If you were here you surely would have had the courage to say, had the courage to say,

Those four words I cannot utter:Those four words I cannot utter:

  I forgive you Tay.I forgive you Tay.

Mothers

By: Carrie Harvey

October 12th This morning only God knew how much I did not want to get out of bed, but lately I don’t seem to want

to get out of bed every single morning. I got up because my mother was going to be here soon to get them off to school. God knows Debbie couldn’t help with our children. I should have known that she would do this. Her whole life has been nothing but starting things and then quitting them. I thought starting a family would be different. I guess you can’t make someone want a family. My children need a mother in their life, so maybe one day she will realize that and come back into their life.

They do have a wonderful grandmother. It is a great thing that my mother is so helpful. She is better with the children then Debbie ever was. I have been working at least twelve hours a day almost every day to get this company branched into ten new cities. I have been on a business trip every weekend this month, and it is just good to know that my kids are well taken care of. When I would leave when Debbie and I were still married she never knew where all three children were. It was like she didn’t have the ability to care for her own children. Sometimes I wonder if her leaving was for the best. But then I think Debbie was the woman of my dreams; she was my heart’s desire. I don’t know what happened to her. Or maybe something happened to us… Today I was thinking about how it used to be. I was thinking about the dating years of our relationship and we would go to church every Sunday. After church we would watch the football games with friends. I was trying to think about why we stopped going to church. I can’t remember when it happened. Did we get to busy? I can’t even remember the last time I went to a church service. My whole life growing up God was a huge part of my life. Today I realized that I shouldn’t of never allowed myself and my family to fall out of church.

October 13th Today I was just thinking a lot about my mother and how she has always been there for me. There was this one time in Junior High when I thought I was having the worst day of my life. Now looking back at it, it was nothing but it was like my mother could sense that I would come home upset. When I got home that day she had baked my cookies and bought me new shoes. I know that is nothing huge but it’s the little things like that that I remember. At the worst times in my life when I thought I had no one, I always had her. She owns a nice house now in the country, but it wasn’t always that way. My father and her were married young and started a family quickly after that. My mother worked just as many hours as my father. But never once can I remember my mother throwing that in his face, just like I can never remember my mother yelling at me even if I deserved it. She always tells me what she thinks about things but her raises her voice about it. Most of the time I don’t take her opinions well, but sometimes the truth hurts. I know she doesn’t say them to hurt me. She says them because she is my mother and loves me so much. She wants me to be able to be the best at everything that I do. She wants the best for me. My mother has the biggest heart and I love her for that. I am so thankful that she is so willing to help out with her grandchildren. If I didn’t have her I don’t know what I would do. Lately she has been dropping hints about me getting back into church. I know I should. I went to a Christian school through elementary and middle school. I just don’t know how to get back into it. A lot of churches look down on getting divorced. I feel like if I start going back it will be as though I have a scarlet letter on my chest. I would hope that God wouldn’t hold this divorce against me. There are worse things in my life to hold against me then that. I guess it’s time to call it a night…

October 14th Debbie hasn’t been to any of Shayne’s football games. I have been to two of them at least. He is a great wide receiver. I think he is holding a grudge against me. The games I went to I had business calls to make. I saw most of the game and he is only freshman. I have three more years of his high school career to make it to more games. At least I am providing for him. What is his mother doing? The last time I saw her she said “Willie I just need a break from being a mother. I have been a mother for 15 years and I just need some time off from them needing me all the time.” I just don’t understand her. Motherhood is not just a part time job that you can just quit and go back to it later on. You can’t just take a vacation from being a mother. It just doesn’t work like that. I know I should be home more, but I’m still doing more than Debbie. Debbie always said I never paid attention to her. I paid more attention to the kids. I hope to God that isn’t why she needs a break from being a mother. I tried to pay attention to her. I was busy. I was responsible for a lot at the company. I was always worrying about business deals, plans and projects. Maybe I did need to give her more attention, compliments and credit.

October 15th Today I have been thinking about my children all day long it isn’t the kids fault that

their mother doesn’t want to be a mother anymore. I don’t know what to tell Catherine. She is always asking questions about her mommy. She is only six years old. She started the first grade this year. How do I tell her that her mom doesn’t want to be held responsible for her? I am most worried about Christopher though. He just kind of keeps to himself and doesn’t really have anything to say. I mean Shayne has football and so does Christopher. I can see the love in Shayne’s eyes Christopher however he doesn’t care about it. He doesn’t seem to care about anything. I don’t know if he has just built up a wall because of Debbie leaving or because of the divorce. The whole thing worries me. Shayne and Christopher have their last games on the same weekend. Shayne’s game is a huge deal. It is the game that if they win they will go on into their divisions playoffs. I really hope Debbie shows up for it. Not for me but for the kids. I just wish Debbie could see what she is doing to her kids. She always tells them that she is going to be there and then doesn’t show. I always count on her being there just like the kids do. I really need to talk with my mother about this. Maybe she has already talked to Christopher. She has a way with doing things before I actually think to do them. Until now I never realized that Debbie seemed to do things before I would think of them too. Debbie always said I never

noticed her and that I took her for granted.

October 16th Today I talked with my mother and of course she had something to talk to me about today also.

I told her that I was worried about Christopher. I told her how Christopher seems to be isolating himself and he never talks to me. She pointed out that Shayne doesn’t talk to me either, but I explained to her that was because of the football games that I missed. Then of course my mother went for the low blow. I haven’t been to any of Christopher’s games. He is only in middle school though. Those games aren’t the greatest to watch. I guess she is right about the fact that I can’t put Shayne before Christopher. Last year I went to both of their games every week. I don’t know when I started working so much. Maybe that is when I stopped going to church too. Man I stopped doing a lot of things. I don’t know how I got to this point in my life. I am starting to feel as though I have failed at being the person that I had set out to be. Actually, I know when I did. Almost ten months ago Debbie said she was leaving and didn’t know when she was going to be back. She said she had been depressed for a long time, but she always seemed fine to me at least I think so. I can’t actually remember thinking about how she was doing. I guess that is what Debbie means when she says that I never paid attention to her. I started working so I wouldn’t have to explain my life to everyone. If I was working all the time then other people would do it for me. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell Shayne, Christopher and Catherine. I wasn’t ready to be that person. So I got overtime. Shayne and Christopher are going to have to understand that I work for them. They have college funds set up for them. Not all kids get that. I am doing this for them. I tried to explain this to my mom but she just always has something to critique. I started drowning her out. I have no idea what she said it just made me think back to when I was a kid.

October 16th Continued…My mother has never been one to yell instead she critiques me. Like this

moment in time she was saying that I am neglecting my children and that I need to stop working so much. If it isn’t one thing with her then it is another. This moment has happened so many times in my life. Once specific time was in the 7th grade, my grandfather was dying of lung cancer. He was my best friend. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to your best friend, forever? I never wanted to go see him at the hospice. Well I did want to see him, but I didn’t want to see him dying on that bed. Of course my mother had something to say about it. I wasn’t being respectful. I just didn’t know how to say good bye. One thing about my mother though, she made me go and I am so thankful. If I had not gone I would have regretted that moment in time for the rest of my life. I know she is trying to be helpful, but right now I work all the time so I don’t have to face the facts that my marriage is over and that I am being a neglectful father. I should have listened to all she had to say but the way she does it is the way she has done it my whole life. All I want is for things to go back the way they were like ten years ago. I thought everything was perfect. Maybe I took them for granted. I seem to be realizing that I have taken many things in my life for granted.

October 17th Today I took less hours at work for this week. It isn’t like if I don’t work I won’t be able to pay the bills. I have been great at saving, but I was just working I guess to keep myself busy. I have realized that I can’t do that because that is taking a toll on my children. I need to be there for them. They already don’t have a mother, so I need to be in their life even more than ever. My mother was extremely happy when I told her that I was just going to work a normal week. No overtime, and no business trip this weekend. Not that she hates being here with her grandchildren, but she just knows that I need to be with them. Today I was thinking a lot about Debbie. God I miss that woman. I know I seem to put her down, but I just do that to try to make myself feel better. I wish I would have seen what I was doing to us. I isolated her from my life. Work became my life and I pushed her to the side. I didn’t notice her. I didn’t buy her gifts or bring her home flowers. I didn’t remember our anniversaries. Why didn’t I make her feel special? She was all I wanted at one point in my life. What made me take her for granted?

October 20th

I haven’t written in a couple of days because my mother is in the hospital. I couldn’t even believe it. I mean the day that she finally gets me to realize what I am doing wrong as a parent. And now she is in the hospital. I guess it is better that she was able to get me to realize before she got sick then to have to drop work and business trips because I would have no one to take care of the children. Lately I have been thinking a lot about if things happen for a reason. I mean I know that I think I believe in God or at least a god, but maybe everything that happens has a purpose. I don’t really want to think that my divorce has a purpose. I wish we could have worked things out. If we could have worked things out then she would still be in their lives. I guess I can’t live my life always thinking “What if…” Maybe my mother did get sick though to make sure I didn’t go back to being the father I was being. I mean what if after this week I just went back to all the overtime and business trips. Now I am sort of forced to keep up with this new plan.

October 22nd

This weekend is the big weekend. Today Debbie talked to the boys and told them that she would be there. She hasn’t seen them for a while. I hope she comes. I don’t want the boys to be disappointed. I know she hasn’t been to either of their games this year and it would mean so much to both of them if she would come to their big games. I think she told the boys she may take them out to eat after Christopher’s game on Saturday. Catherine has been talking about it non-stop. God I hope she doesn’t disappointment them. Debbie isn’t the one that has to cheer them up if she doesn’t come. Please God, let Debbie come like she said she would.

October 24th This weekend ended up being very exciting. Debbie came to Shayne’s football game Friday night. She showed up. She was wearing just basic blue jeans and a gray football hoodie from Shayne’s high school. She looked so good. Her hair parted just perfectly on her head and the color brown that her hair is made her deep brown eyes glow. I loved her being there. I felt kinda of bad because I sort of felt like she felt uncomfortable. I loved her being there. During the game I would tend to look at her. I loved just looking at her. It’s strange to think that for some many years she was there by my side. She was my best friend and now to even give her a hug would be strange. I felt as though I was watching every single moment that she made. Even as I write this down I can picture her one hundred percent.

October 28th

I still miss Debbie. I can’t help but think about the past. I want that back. They say that your first love always will have a place in your heart. The thing is she is the only one that I have ever loved. We were high school sweethearts. We were supposed to grow old together. Maybe I just wasn’t enough for her. I mean maybe she didn’t know if I was really the love of her life because I was the only one she had ever loved. Sometimes I daydream and hope that she calls me and tells me she wants to try again, but then I think is that for the best? I know that the children need her in their life, but do I need her in mine? I feel like I am still in love with her, but maybe I just need to start dating again. At least that is what my mom thinks…