Moving through grief by leaving a legacy

Carol Kummet, LICSW, MTS

UWMC Palliative Care Social Worker

THE LAST GIFT

What transforms the merely sad intosomething tragic and thereforebeautiful, and therefore saving,

and therefore, in some odd way, joyfulis the telling of the story.

It’s what makes us human beings.-James Carroll

How to assist someone through grief

William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Grief

Acknowledge the reality of the loss

William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Grief

Acknowledge the reality of the loss Experience the pain

William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Grief

Acknowledge the reality of the loss Experience the pain Adjust to an environment in which the

deceased is missing

William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Grief

Acknowledge the reality of the loss Experience the pain Adjust to an environment in which the

deceased is missing Reinvest emotional energy and remember

the relationship

This is not the end of joy. Grieving is bits of many things, memories, regrets, reminders – each of which bears its own special weight in our burden of sorrow………A day will come when there will be more bits of healing then of grieving and reasons for joy will begin to pile up in the freshly swept rooms of our lives. Molly Fumia

Legacy work is the gift of sharing your wisdom and experiences

This final gift shares your stories, the reasons you lived as you did, your beliefs and understandings, who inspired you, your values and priorities. Legacies share your feelings and thoughts.

The dying person benefits from reviewing their life and sharing those life lessons with their loved ones.

Legacy work is the gift of remembering

The dying person can support their family and friends as they grieve by leaving a legacy.

Legacies offer to the bereaved a tangible way to remember the deceased. (Grief task #4)

It might inspire the bereaved to begin to be attentive to their own legacy as well. Am I living a life true to my beliefs? Am I living a life of joy and meaning?

Legacy affirms our connections and love

Legacy work courageously seeks reconciliation where needed and affirmsthe importance of relationships in life.

“The handbook on dying that the hospice gave us advise you to forgive the dying person and express your love and your gratitude, and to say goodbye. It doesn’t explain how to do this with someone who is extremely hard of hearing and who, even when he could hear, never went in for such declarations............I was three when my father wrote a letter to me and my brother and sister in 1945 saying how much he missed us while he was in the Army…..It was signed, ‘Love, Daddy.” I never saw the letter until a week ago. It never occurred to me that he loved me, but of course he did, and it was nice to hear it at last.”

Garrison Kiellor

Many creative ways to give the final gift …

Video tapingAudio tapingWriting letters Ethical wills A list affirming loved one’s qualities (I love your sense of humor)

Interview each other on the story of your lifeSimply tell stories of past times or share remembrancesCompose a photo album of treasured times togetherParents can share with adult children what qualities they saw in them from a young age

What transforms the merely sad intosomething tragic and thereforebeautiful, and therefore saving,

and therefore, in some odd way, joyfulis the telling of the story.

It’s what makes us human beings.-James Carroll

Love Sonnet by Pablo Neruda

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes;I want the light and the wheat of your beloved handsto pass their freshness over me once more;I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you.I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want youto sniff the sea’s aroma that we love together,to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,and you whom I love and sang above everything elseto continue to flourish, full-flowered;so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,so that everything can learn the reason for my song.