mothers and sons in modern korea

Mothers and Sons in Modern Korea

Eunhee Kim Yi

Previous studies of Korean families have clearly recognized theimportance of the father-son relationship as the backbone of thepatrilineal family system in Korea (Yi Gwang-gyu 1975, 128). Accord-ing to the native Korean conception of jip, which can be translatedroughly into “family” or “household,” a jip existed permanentlythrough the endless links between father and son. Historically theoldest man in the jip represented the family to the state and thewider community, and his eldest son succeeded to his position as therepresentative of the jip. This patrilineal continuity was embodied inthe co-residence of the married son’s nuclear family and the father’sfamily. That is, the eldest son, upon marriage, would bring his wifeinto the existing household which was represented by the father.After the father died, he inherited ancestral ritual responsibilities andthe largest share of family property. The younger son would set up ahousehold of his own within a few years of marriage and therebystart a “branch” family line. It is well known that in the “traditional”1

Eunhee Kim Yi (Kim, Eun-hui) is a researcher at the Institute of Yeolin Education,Seoul, Korea and teaches in the Department of Early Childhood Education at Chung-Ang University. She received her Ph.D in Anthropology from the University of Chicago.Her book “The Korean Economy Entrapped by Culture” was published in 1999 andtranslated into Japanese and published by Kyushyu University in 2001. Her researchinterests focus on family, gender, work ideology in industrial Korea, the relationshipbetween familism and economic development, and so on. E-mail: [email protected].

1. The “traditional” Korean family refers to the family whose various featuresemerged in the latter part of the Joseon period, were reinforced during the colonialperiod, and existed into the post-Korean War period in the countryside.

Korean family, paramount importance was placed upon the continua-tion of the family line, that is, the succession of male headship of thejip. Being without male issue was likened to the “dying out of thefamily seed” and was considered great calamity.

In this patrilineal system, a woman could not represent a jip inpublic. A daughter could neither inherit ancestral ritual responsibili-ties nor succeed to the headship of the father’s jip. She was “useless”as she had to move out of her father’s jip upon marriage and take upthe most inferior position in her husband’s jip (sijip). A marrieddaughter no longer belonged to her father’s jip. Instead, she was tosucceed the position of her mother-in-law and eventually to becomean ancestress of her husband’s jip after her death. This inferior posi-tion of women in the traditional Korean family is well expressed inthe famous “law of the woman’s three followings” in East Asia.Before marriage, a woman follows her father, who represents her.After marriage, she follows her husband, and after her husband’sdeath, she follows her son.

Despite the inferior position of women in the patrilineal family,women were not simply passive victims of male dominance. Thealmost-matriarchal power of the middle-aged woman in the Koreanpatrilineal family, as elsewhere in East Asia, has been well reportedin many ethnographies (Beardsley et al. 1959; De Vos 1960; Wolf1970; Yi Eunhee Kim 1986, 1993; Yi Gwang-gyu 1975). One of thestrategies that a woman employed to gain power in her husband’sfamily was to form a strong alliance with her sons, who would stayin the family after marriage. Giving birth to a son was extremelyimportant for a woman after marrying into her husband’s family.Once the young wife produced an heir, her position in the husband’sfamily became secure. As her son grew, she often devoted herself tohis social success outside the family. Her future status and powerdepended on her son who would provide economic support, socialprestige, and filial love. It was often the case that the mother dideverything for the son’s fulfillment and comfort. Particularly, whenthe mother was a widow or was dissatisfied with her husband forvarious reasons, an outlet for her frustration could be found only in

6 KOREA JOURNAL / WINTER 2001

her devotion to her son. The stories of a mother’s devotion to herson’s success outside the family are extremely common. The moth-er’s devotion to her son, in turn, effectively established a filial obliga-tion for the son to repay in the future. After the son grew up andmarried, the mother’s informal influence over him often overshad-owed her husband’s formal authority as the head of the family,which diminished as he grew older (Yi Eunhee Kim 1993, 195-207).Indeed, this dramatic elevation of the woman’s status in the course ofthe domestic cycle can be viewed as a major characteristic of thepatrilineal family in premodern Korea.

More importantly, in patrilineal systems the strong bond betweenthe mother and the married son constituted the core of the solidarityof the patrilineally extended domestic group. Many ethnographies ofrural villages in Korea reveal that the father did not often have closerelationships with his children: the relationship between the fatherand the son was often characterized by stiff formality, restraint, andpropriety (Janelli and Janelli 1982, 47-48; Brandt 1971; Dix 1977,345; Song 1982). The father himself was not expected to interact withhis children directly. When he had something in tell his children, heusually told his wife, who in turn discussed it with the children andreported their wishes or thoughts to their father. It was the motherwho inculcated the patrilineal ideology in the children in everydaylife. This is clearly seen in how the conflicts between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law were resolved (Yi Eunhee Kim 1993,202-207). It was often the case for the mother to eagerly defend thepatrilineal ideology of the jip in the face of the potential disruption ofher own control over her son and to stress the subordination of theyoung wife to her husband and his jip. Mothers indoctrinated theirsons by telling them that his parents and brothers were more impor-tant than a wife.

The nuclearization of families in modern Korea, however,implies that this pattern of the mother-son relationship also changed.The present article examines the relationship between the motherand son in the urban middle class and shows that mothers have losttheir control over their sons and sons’ wives. I argue that the break

7Mothers and Sons in Modern Korea

in mother-son solidarity leads to the actual dissolution of the patrilin-eal extended family as a functioning group and that the loss of themother’s control over the son has led to the weakening of son prefer-ence and the disappearance of the practice of adoption. I furthershow that with the weakening of the mother-son solidarity emerged aa matrilateral bias in kinship. I also suggest that extravagant honsu(dowry) in modern Korea be viewed as a compensation for the moth-er’s loss of control over her married son.2

Nuclearization of Families and the Patrilineal Extended Family in Modern Korea

One of the profound changes the traditional Korean family has under-gone since the 1960s is nuclearization. For women, serving the hus-band’s parents and ancestors was the most salient function in the“traditional” conception of the family. The absolute obedience of thechildren to parents was the most important moral principle, encour-aged in traditional familism under the name of filial piety. Parentschose the marriage partner of the child and the married son broughthis wife to the parental household. In modern Korea, however, chil-dren choose their own marriage partners and usually set up theirown households.

High geographic mobility, the result of industrialization andurbanization, makes it difficult for married sons to continue to live intheir natal household with their parents and unmarried siblings. Geo-graphic mobility resulting from job assignment provides an opportu-


2. Data used in this article were part of data collected over a period of four yearsfrom 1997 to 2001 when I was engaged in a research project called “The Dissolu-tion and Restructuring of Kinship/Families,” which was funded by KoreanResearch Foundation. I carried out informal in-depth interviews of selected indi-viduals and observed and talked with numerous middle-class Koreans includingmy neighbors, relatives, friends, and acquaintances. The term “my interviewees”in the present article refers those fellow Koreans whom I talked with about theirand other peoples’ family lives.

nity to move out of the parents’ household without necessarilybreaching the moral principle of filial piety. Most parents do not holdtheir children back for their own comfort. Rather, they are eager tosupport their children’s mobility.

More importantly, the idea itself that the son has to live with hisparents has become weak. It is now acceptable for the married eldestson to live separately from his parents, even when they live in thesame city. Parents themselves often refuse to live with their marriedson’s nuclear family. Many women with grown children told me thatthey want to live separately from their married sons. They said, “it isinconvenient” or “uncomfortable” to live with their son and his wife.Also, there is a new trend in which, as long as there are unmarriedsiblings, a married son tends to set up his own household (Yi EunheeKim 1993, 280-285).

The emergence of the nuclear family and of romantic marriages,however, does not necessarily mean that a cultural sanction is placedon the independence and autonomy of the individual and the nuclearfamily, as is the case in the West. For most interviewees, living sepa-rately from their parents does not mean that the married son is not amember of the jip. Even when married sons do not live with theirparents, they, together with their wives and children, are still consid-ered members of one jip, which may be also called “patrilinealextended family,” while married daughters and their children are not.Despite the prevalence of romantic marriages, marriage itself is stillviewed as an introduction of the bride to the groom’s jip. The bride-groom’s family provides the new couple with a place to live andassists the couple financially if the husband does not earn enough tomaintain a living standard appropriate to his family status. Thebride’s family is in turn expected to provide the daughter with honsu—home appliances, furniture, gifts for the bridegroom’s family mem-bers and relatives, among other things.

Although reluctant to live with a married son’s nuclear family,parents do not treat the son’s nuclear family as an independenthousehold. Neither do the married children who profess their desirefor “freedom” believe that grown children should be independent of


and autonomous from their parents. It is often the case that thesalary of a young husband who has just started his career is not suffi-cient to support his nuclear family independently. When the marriedson is not economically independent, say, he is a resident or graduatestudent, the husband’s family is expected to provide economic assis-tance. Newly married couples go on to have children without consid-ering whether or not they can support a family themselves. There is astrong expectation that the husband’s family will help the newlywedcouple until they get on their own feet. Temporary co-residence withthe husband’s family is also frequent for economic reasons. When ason’s nuclear family lives at the parents’ house, the parents usuallypay the living expenses of the extended household and the son’s fam-ily saves their income. Therefore in a well-to-do family, when themarried son lives with the parents, he gets considerable economicassistance from his parents. Even when parents are not well-off, it isoften the case that the parents pay for most of the housekeepingexpenses of the extended household.

When the parents are poor, of course, the son’s nuclear familydoes not get much financial help. The economic exchange betweenparents and sons depends on the relative wealth of parents and chil-dren. If the parents are much better off than the children, resourceswill flow from the parents to the children. If parents are needy, mar-ried sons are expected to help their parents financially. Even whenthe parents and the married sons maintain relatively independenthouseholds, they act out of mutual dependency, which involves thefrequent exchange of resources between the parents’ household andthe son’s.

The married son gradually succeeds to his father’s position andthe son’s wife to his mother’s position. Even when a young marriedcouple lives in their own nuclear family, the eldest son and his wiferepresent the jip to the wider kin community, whereas married daugh-ters do not. The eldest son inherits jesa (ancestral ritual) responsibili-ties and visits relatives with his wife as a representative of the jip,including his parents, his brothers, and their wives and children. Forexample, the eldest son and his wife pay a visit to relatives on Seollal


(New Year’s Day) and at Chuseok (Full Moon Day) as representativesof the family. As long as there is a son, a daughter never inherits thejesa, and a married daughter does not attend jesa, unless it is for herown parents. The married son, not a married daughter, is responsiblefor preparing a birthday party for the parents. The main responsibili-ty for the care of old parents falls on the son and his wife. When oneparent dies, the married son and his wife are expected to take in thesingle parent. Married daughters do not have these obligations.

The son’s role as a representative of the family becomes evidentwhen there are big family events such as funerals, weddings, sixtiethbirthday banquets for parents, or when a family member getsinvolved in something like a traffic accident. At large family gather-ings he receives and greets male guests. He also attends weddingsand other family gatherings as a representative of the jip. On theseoccasions, parents can show off the married son’s achievement insociety. The son also deals with government offices, which arestaffed mostly by men. When an old father, for example, has a trafficaccident, his married son, not a married daughter or son-in-law, willgo to the police and handle bureaucratic and legal matters by mobi-lizing his social network.

As a son represents the family, his most important obligation tothe extended family, as in the past, is to bring honor to the extendedfamily by getting ahead in the world. His pursuit of success in thelarger society is not seen as the pursuit of his own “selfish” interestsat the expense of filial piety toward his parents. Fulfilling his repre-sentative role is achieved by rising to a high position and helping hissiblings when it is necessary. Above all, husbands in modern indus-trial Korea have to work long hours and spend after-work eveninghours socializing with colleagues or friends (Yi Eunhee Kim 1998).Hence, the son often leaves to his wife most of the matters related tothe extended family. The husband may not visit his parents on theirbirthday because of his busy work schedule, but his wife should notforget to prepare for his parent’s birthday parties. That is, it is consid-ered acceptable for a man to miss his own parent’s birthday partywhen he is very busy with work, as long as his wife takes care of it.


The husband usually responds to his wife’s complaint about his par-ents or siblings just by saying, “please don’t make me worry aboutfamily matters.”

Therefore, most practical work concerning the extended family isdone by his wife. She is expected to do various jiban il (inside workor family matters) under the supervision of her mother-in-law. Whenthe daughter-in-law visits the husband’s family, she works with themother-in-law in the kitchen. She prepares for jesa and for holidayssuch as Seollal and Chuseok and takes care of other large and smallfamily affairs with her mother-in-law. She reminds her husband ofimportant family events such as ancestral ceremonies, relatives’ wed-dings or birthdays, and prepares presents or gifts for those occasions.She may make winter kimchi (gimjang) with her mother-in-law. Shevisits her husband’s relatives with her mother-in-law or alone, as an“inside” representative of the jip. For both younger and older sons,temporary co-residence is also frequent on the grounds that the son’swife should learn the customs of the sijip (the husband’s family) andfeel comfortable within the husband’s extended family. Many inter-viewees who did not want to live with their husband’s family told methat they might live with their married son and his wife temporarilyin the future.

The Weakening of the Alliance Between Mother and Son

Despite the persistence of the patrilineal ideology, the parents’ controlover married sons has weakened considerably. Above all, a marriedson’s relationship with his natal family tends to be mediated by hiswife who does the “inside work” of maintaining the extended familyrelationships in order to allow the husband to concentrate on his workoutside the family. In particular, the relationship between mother andson often becomes strained after the son’s marriage.

The relationship between father and son, as in the “traditional”Korean family, is not an emotionally close one. Women intervieweesinvariably mentioned that their husbands tend to feel uncomfortable


in their fathers’ presence. Male interviewees did not remember everhaving talked to their fathers in a context other than a ritualized for-mal interaction. Rather, the sons tend to discuss things that concernthem with their mothers. When a husband is considered a filial son,it is the mother who is the object of the his respect and love. Thehusbands who is a filial son also sees no problem in living with hisown married son in the future.

Yet, after marriage, the son leaves all the family matters to hiswife so that he can pursue success in the larger society outside thefamily. For example, the husband does not know the details of thehousehold economy. Most men I interviewed did not know whetheror not their wives paid for food when they lived at their parents’house. That is, the husbands in many families let their wives handlemost financial matters as they see fit. Likewise, in the father’s house-hold, it is the mother who is in charge of the management of thehousehold. Therefore, the mother and the son’s wife come to com-pete with each other for the control of the resources within the patri-lineal extended family. Moreover, the rules regarding the division ofresponsibilities and the distribution of economic resources within theextended family are not always clear. It is only natural that conflictsand discord arise between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-lawwho are in charge of the management of the respective households.

Most wives interviewed were very conscious of the close rela-tionship between their husbands and mothers-in-law and came upwith certain strategies to minimize the mother-in-law’s influence.Above all, the wife attempts to mediate between her husband andmother-in-law. One interviewee explains her strategy:

I do not talk much at the official meeting with my in-laws. I makemy mother-in-law talk with my husband. Of course, I talk with myhusband beforehand and make a decision and then let my husbandtalk to his mother. I do not want to take responsibility. My mother-in-law first tells me about jiban il (family matters) and then, tellsmy husband about it.


The wife is particularly vigilant when it comes to her husband’s giv-ing money to his mother without the wife’s knowledge. When herhusband gives money to his mother or father, it is a widespread prac-tice for the wife to make her husband hand over money to his par-ents in her presence.

As the wife mediates between her husband and her mother andsiblings, the son’s wife in the nuclear family is, as in the past, consid-ered responsible for maintaining a harmonious extended family andoften blamed when conflicts arise between the married son and themother. The mother-in-law and sisters-in-law often get suspicious ofthe son’s wife and see the son as easily manipulated by her.

In the case of serious conflicts between the mother-in-law andthe daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law in the traditional Korean fami-ly could draw upon the support of her son and thereby could controlthe daughter-in-law by appealing to the ideology of filial piety whichemphasized the absolute obedience of the daughter-in-law to her par-ents-in-law. In modern Korea, however, absolute obedience to par-ents-in-law is no longer acceptable to most young wives.

In the modern Korean family, although the son’s wife usuallyprefers not to live with her husband’s parents, the parents’ authorityover a married son and his wife is well recognized on the groundsthat the husband’s parents have raised the husband. Yet, most inter-viewees did not believe that they should always obey their parents-in-law. A superior’s autocratic control over an inferior is challengedin the name of “democracy.” Therefore, defiance of the mother-in-law’s authority is commonplace among young married women. Inter-viewees’ family histories reveal that many female interviewees havechallenged their mothers-in-law and had verbal fights with them.

The weakened authority of the mother-in-law is clear even incases where a married son and his wife live with the son’s parents.In the past, a married eldest son’s nuclear family and his parentsformed a collective economic unit under the supervision of the son’smother as the “inside master.” That is, they pooled their resources.Now, family resources are not pooled as was expected in the “tradi-tional” family. It is often the case that the young couple keeps a sepa-


rate account. Many of my informants who once lived in extendedfamilies told me that their husbands brought their salary not to themother but to the wife. Usually, the wife gave a portion of her hus-band’s salary to her mother-in-law as their share of the living expens-es. After a few years of marriage, the daughter-in-law took over themanagement of the household. In the extended families studied, thehusband’s mother did not have control over household money.

In the following case, the son and his wife moved out of themother-in-law’s household when the son’s mother demanded thather daughter-in-law be more like a “traditional” daughter-in-law.

The Case of the Ku Family

Mr. and Mrs. Ku got married in 1982. Ku Yeong-su, who was born in1953, graduated from medical school and was serving in the army asa military doctor when he married in 1980. He was the only son inthe family. His father, who was a high-ranking official, passed awayin 1977. The son, who was a university student at that time, inherit-ed the father’s house. That is, the son became the legal owner of thehouse where the family lived. But it was the mother who actuallymanaged the household and family property. The mother sold thehouse and the family moved into an apartment. Upon marriage, theson brought in his wife and lived together with his widowed motherand his unmarried younger sister in that apartment. He also had twomarried elder sisters.

After three years of co-residence, however, the son and his wifewanted to move out. The wife put the apartment on the market with-out any prior discussion with the mother. The son did not know thatand apologized to the mother for not having informed her before-hand, but she got very sad and angry. The son and his wife eventual-ly bought an apartment with money they borrowed from the wife’sfamily and moved out of the mother’s apartment. According to KuMin-ja, who was the second daughter and narrated this story, themother felt very hurt. The mother was told that her son was movingout just a day before. The mother came to see her daughter and


cried. Ku Min-ja mentioned the conflict between the mother and the

daughter-in-law. The son was the successor to the senior family line.Therefore there were many ancestral rituals to perform and the moth-er was strong-willed and diligent. The mother was critical of herdaughter-in-law, who, according to Ku Min-ja, did not live up to themother’s expectations and failed to produce a son. Ku Min-ja admit-ted that it must not have been easy for the daughter-in-law. Thedaughter-in-law, in turn, refused to eat “cold rice,” left-over rice froma previous meal. It was a normal practice in the “traditional” Koreanfamily for the young daughter-in-law to “volunteer” to eat “coldrice,” while giving freshly cooked rice to other family members, thatis, the husband, the husband’s parents and siblings. But the daugh-ter-in-law felt humiliated when the mother-in-law expected her to doso. Further, the son’s nuclear family was economically dependent onhis mother as he was serving in the army as a military doctor. Thehusband gave his mother his meager salary that he earned as a mili-tary doctor. The daughter-in-law got depressed and talked less andless to her mother-in-law. She also had chronic stomachache, which,according to her sister-in-law, were probably caused by the conflictwith her mother-in-law.

Soon after the son’s nuclear family moved out of the mother’shousehold, the son and his wife inherited the responsibilities forancestral rituals from the mother. In 1995, however, they decided toemigrate to New Zealand for the education of their two daughters.But in New Zealand, Mr. Ku could not find a job as a medical doctorand therefore moved back to Korea and worked for a hospital in oneof the provinces. Mrs. Ku, on the other hand, stayed in New Zealand,raising the two daughters. She also continued to perform ancestralrituals in New Zealand, while her husband in Korea supported herand the children. Mr. Ku has also sent about $250 to his motherevery month for six years. Ku Min-ja sees this monthly payment as akind of repayment of the money the mother contributed to the son’spurchase of an office for his medical practice.

Recently the relations between mother and son have been very


strained. The conflict between them centers on the management ofthe inheritance from the father and on the issue of who is going totake care of the ailing mother, who is in her early eighties and cannotwalk around well. According to Ku Min-ja, the son thinks his jip didnot do anything for him. When he and his nuclear family wanted tomove out of the mother’s household, he expected his mother to sellthe apartment and to provide him and his nuclear family with a newplace to live. But, the son had to move out with money borrowedfrom the wife’s family. Also, when his family emigrated to NewZealand, according to the son, the mother did not contribute anymoney, in contrast to the wife’s family who gave a considerableamount to support their resettlement. Ku Min-ja further suggestedthat her brother was dissatisfied with the heavy responsibilities ofbeing the successor. According to her, her brother had a girlfriendwhen he was a high-school student but had to give her up because ofthe mother’s opposition. The girlfriend was a daughter of a concu-bine and planned to emigrate to America.

Still, the son wants his mother to sell the apartment he inheritedfrom his father and give him the money received from the sale. Hethinks it is his inheritance. On the other hand, although it is legallyowned by the son, the mother does not think it is automatically herson’s share. The mother thinks the apartment will go to the son even-tually but that she has the right to manage it as she sees fit until shedies. The sister also sees the apartment as her mother’s, and that theson’s legal ownership at issue was just a strategy to avoid the inheri-tance tax that will be levied when he inherits it after his mother’sdeath. In the mother’s and the sister’s view, the son’s ownership ofthe apartment is premised on the assumption that the son fulfills therole expected of him as successor. The son, however, failed to takeon this role by emigrating to a foreign country with his nuclear fami-ly, leaving his mother alone in Korea, and he still does not show anywillingness to take in his mother. When the mother visited the son’snuclear family in New Zealand, she and her son quarreled over theinheritance. According to Ku Min-ja, when the mother had a trafficaccident and was hospitalized for three months in Seoul, the son,


who worked for a provincial hospital in Korea, visited his motheronly once.

Recently the mother sold the apartment at issue and boughtanother apartment in her own name. When the sister told her brother(Ku Yeong-su) about this, he got angry, criticizing his mother for notdiscussing the matter with him. The mother declared that the apart-ment, after she dies, will go to a child who takes care of her. She nolonger expects her son to take care of her. She feels so deeplybetrayed that she thinks she failed to bring up a filial son. Now shelives with her eldest daughter, who has been a widow for manyyears, in the apartment she bought. She stopped attending familysocial gatherings many years ago on the grounds that she did notwant to disgrace her son.

Ku Min-ja stresses that before marriage, her brother was obedi-ent to his mother and never made trouble, suggesting that the con-flict between the son and the mother was caused by the son’s “calcu-lating” wife after their marriage. The son was a model student andattended a prestigious high school and medical school in Korea. Asthe only son, he received special treatment in the family. When hewas a child, all of his toys were expensive and imported. After mar-riage, however, he changed. His refusal to take care of his mother, inKu Min-ja’s view, reflects his wife’s, and probably his wife’s moth-er’s, opinion.

“Educating a Mama’s Boy”: The Case of Jeong Su-gyeong

Although I could not interview the daughter-in-law, it is common-place for a young married woman to comment that her husband doesnot have much say on economic matters in the patrilineal extendedfamily. The husband is often seen by his wife as reluctant to confronthis parents. Here we see the son caught between a mother and wifewho are in conflict. The young wife often attempts to weaken theclose relationship between her husband and his mother. Jeong Su-gyeong is a case in point.

Su-gyeong met her husband, Kim Jun, through a match-maker


and they have been married for about ten years. Her husband worksfor his father’s chemical engineering company. Although the compa-ny is medium-sized, her father-in-law is a successful businessman.Her husband is the eldest son in the family and has one youngerbrother and one younger sister. He will succeed the father’s positionnot only in the family but also in the company. According to Su-gyeong, however, she had a hard time economically during the earlyyears of marriage. Once married, they lived separately from her hus-band’s family but her father-in-law, who is very stingy and austere,paid his son only about 700,000 won (about 540 dollars) a month forhis salary. She could manage the household only with financial helpfrom her mother. She felt betrayed by her mother-in-law, who hadpromised her a comfortable life before marriage. She even brought alarge amount of honsu to the husband’s family. Two years later, sheconfronted her mother-in-law: she told her mother-in-law that shecould not live on her husband’s salary. After that incident the fatherraised the son’s salary. As of 1998, her husband was receiving3,000,000 won (2,500 dollars) a month from his father.

What made her married life more difficult was that her husbandwas a “mama boy” (Koreanized version of the English “mama’sboy”). He was emotionally dependent on and controlled by his moth-er. According to Su-gyeong, his mother was very controlling, domi-neering, and persuasive, and she effectively controlled all three of hergrown-up children. Her husband’s dependence on his mother isclosely tied to his relationship with his father. His father was verysmart, proud, and successful, but he was also very authoritarian andstrict with his children. Moreover, her husband was not living up tohis father’s expectations. He was neither smart nor professionallycompetent, although he was kind-hearted. The father did not expresshis love at all and gave his son only the “burden” of being his succes-sor. The son, therefore, was very unhappy at the time of his mar-riage. Her husband’s emotional dependence on his mother can beseen in the fact that his mother knew in detail about what was goingon in the son’s relationship with his wife. Su-gyeong made up hermind to “educate” her husband once she learned that her mother-in-


law knew that she and her husband had a quarrel. She told her hus-band that she would divorce him if he kept telling his mother whathappened between them and that she and her husband should try toresolve their conflicts by themselves. She pointed out some of hismother’s problems to her husband: her hypocrisy, her lies, her fail-ure to protect him from his father’s harsh treatment, and so on. Herhusband recognized his mother’s problems, and after that incident,he stopped talking with his mother about his personal life.

Su-gyeong thinks she succeeded in the war with her mother-in-law for the control of her husband. She recognizes that she had anadvantage because of neo-local residence; it was she who lived withher husband. She is also cautious, stressing that what is important isthe good management of the relationship with her husband. She triesto make him self-confident by showing him respect and treating himwell.

The Wife’s Family

Importantly, both Ku Min-ja’s and Jeong Su-gyeong’s narratives showthe critical role of the wife’s family in shaping the relationshipbetween the mother and the married son. From the daughter-in-law’sperspective, her natal family (chinjeong) provides an importantresource for coping with conflicts with the mother-in-law. In the caseof the Ku family, the daughter-in-law’s challenge of the mother-in-law’s control of the household was made possible by economic assis-tance from her chinjeong. This kind of economic assistance from thewife’s family is widespread in the Korean middle class (Yi EunheeKim 1993, 324-335). The wife’s family usually provides the newlymarried couple with rice, food, clothes, toys for the children, and soon. Also, a young couple often borrows money without interest fromthe wife’s family when they buy a new home.

Besides economic assistance, a young married daughter receiveshelpful advice from her mother or sister about how to cope with ademanding mother-in-law. According to Jeong Su-gyeong, when herhusband’s income was not enough to live on, it was her mother who


supplemented his meager salary. It was also her mother who helpedher interpret the situation in her husband’s family: she broughtextravagant honsu expenses but the husband’s family failed to pro-vide even for the son’s nuclear family. Su-gyeong’s mother’s angerencouraged Su-gyeong to ask her mother-in-law to raise the son’ssalary and her husband to stop being a “mama boy.”

Neo-local residence makes it particularly easy for newly marriedwomen to maintain close relationships with their mothers and sisters.The mother who does not live with her son’s nuclear family feels freeto give things to her daughter, and the daughter who does not livewith her mother-in-law also feels free to visit her chinjeong. Womenusually visit their chinjeong without their husbands in the daytimeduring the week, and with their husbands on Sundays, holidays, oron special occasions. In the middle class, young married women visittheir chinjeong parents or sisters more frequently than they do theirsijip (Yi Eunhee Kim 1993, 325). Also, they sometimes live close totheir chinjeong. They may live in the same apartment complex oreven live with their chinjeong. Married sisters also visit and phoneeach other very often.

People often explain the relationship between a married daughterand her chinjeong in terms of jeong (affection). Young intervieweesinvariably told me that they were most concerned with their chin-jeong and that they were close to their sijip only out of a sense ofduty.

As a consequence, the married son is often drawn into the wife’sfamily. Due to tensions and conflicts between the wife and the moth-er-in-law, the son’s nuclear family rarely vacations with his family.Rather, they vacation with the wife’s family. Young wives also maketheir husbands attend family get-togethers.

In Ku family, the son’s wife maintains a close relationship withher chinjeong. Since the son’s nuclear family emigrated to NewZealand, financial matters related to the management of the hus-band’s property have been handled by the wife’s family. The wife,when she comes to Korea for a visit, goes to her chinjeong evenbefore seeing her mother-in-law. When the mother visited her son’s


family in New Zealand, she returned home in two weeks, cancellingher original plan to stay much longer. But, the wife’s mother stayedat her daughter’s house more than six months. The wife’s family,including her siblings, frequently visit their daughter’s nuclear familyin New Zealand, while the husband’s sisters, who thought that theirbrother had abandoned his mother, have not visited them at all.

Economic assistance from the wife’s family, in turn, strengthensher position in negotiating with her husband and the sijip. A son’swife who receives lots of economic assistance from her familyexpects her sijip to treat her better (Yi Eunhee Kim 1993, 335). In theKu family, the son’s complaint about his own mother was that thewife’s family helped a lot but his own family did not do much. JeongSu-gyeong also felt that she could make a demand on her sijip toraise her husband’s salary because she herself had brought a greatdeal of honsu. In a sense, the traditional subordination of the daugh-ter-in-law to the husband’s parents has been overturned by economicassistance from the wife’s family. Now, the husband’s family has lessclaim on the wife’s service.

Married Daughters

A married daughter, in turn, helps her chinjeong when her parentsare old or in need of financial assistance. She may give spendingmoney to needy parents on special occasions or even regularly. Shetakes care of a sick parent, even when she does not live with thatparent. She occasionally buys clothes for old parents.

Ku Min-ja’s narrative shows that mothers also maintain closerelationships with married daughters, who are normatively supposedto be “outsiders.” In practice, daughters are no longer “outsiders.”Married daughters often take on the role of mediator between themother and the son and wife. When the daughter-in-law decided tomove out of the mother’s household, she first went to see the hus-band’s eldest sister to get some sort of understanding and permis-sion. But, the eldest sister asked her to be more patient and to wait afew more years. The Ku family’s married daughters also gave their


mother spending money, with or without the knowledge of their hus-bands. They provided hospital expenses when she was hospitalizedafter the son’s emigration. It was also Ku Min-ja, the second daugh-ter, who arranged the co-residence of the mother and the eldestdaughter in the mother’s apartment and persuaded them to livetogether. The daughters also viewed their brother’s emigration as anattempt to avoid his responsibility to take care of their aging motherand tried to change their mother’s position that the apartment inher-ited from the father should go to the son after she dies.

“Daughters Are Better than Sons”: The Weakening of Son Preference and the Disappearance of Adoption

With the loss of effective control over her daughter-in-law, a mothertend to feel betrayed by or disappointed with her married son. It isoften said that sons are “useless” and that a mother’s devotion to herson only benefits the daughter-in-law. The son’s marriage is also seenas the transfer of the son from the mother to the son’s wife. Thesense of the loss of the son’s loyalty to his mother in modern Korea isevident in the weakening of son preference and the disappearance ofadoption.

Childbearing and child rearing are still important duties of thewife within the patrilineal extended family. Having a child is not amatter of private choice but a matter of the husband’s jip. Having ason is still particularly valued, although having many sons is nolonger desired by most young couples. I was often told that a marriedwoman feels like she passed an examination when she had a boy. Awoman feels that her position in the husband’s family has becomesecure.

Yet, people have lost the faith that in their old age they candepend upon their son for their general well-being. The absolutevalue placed upon having a son has weakened. Those who think oneshould have a son stress the representative role of the son for the jiprather than his economic capacity. When there is no man in the jip, it


is said, they cannot handle significant family affairs which involvethe representation of the family to outside political structures or thelarger community. For example, old people need a son on the occa-sion of a funeral or a traffic accident. A man handles matters relatedto the police and bureaucratic offices. The son-in-law does not takegood care of big family affairs. Hence, the son gives a sense of securi-ty and plays the role of “fence” (ultari) for the extended family. Manypeople have told me they felt secure when they had a son.

Those who favor daughters over sons are people who have beendisappointed by a distant or cool relationship between a married sonand his parents. They stress that married daughters are more con-cerned with their parents than are sons. Married daughters no longerlive far away from the parents. They often live in the same city oreven in the same apartment complex. Parents receive a lot of infor-mal support from their married daughters. When asked whether ason is better than a daughter, they contrast a daughter with a daugh-ter-in-law. Daughters understand their parents better and are nice totheir parents out of affection, while the daughter-in-law is only niceout of a sense of duty. In their view, the son, who deals with thematter of representing the family to the outside world, does not havemuch affection.

The old practice of adopting a son from agnates has almost dis-appeared. None of those who had only daughters told me aboutplans to adopt a son. This decline in the practice of adoption showsthat the importance of jesa has weakened. But it also reflects changesin the perception of the relationship between the mother and the son.In response to questions about adoption, people often comment thateven their own son does not want to live with his old parents andthat people want to give property to their own daughter, the bloodchild, rather than to distant agnates.


Conclusion

The present analysis shows the critical importance of the mother-sontie in the maintenance of the patrilineal family as a functional group.It further raises the issue of whether patrilineal ideology in modernKorea is workable in practice. In modern Korea the conflict betweenthe mother and the son’s wife leads to a rather distanced relationshipbetween the mother and her married son, and in some cases, to thebreaking of ties between them, which can raise the issue of the disso-lution of the patrilineal extended family. In a sense the serious con-flicts between the mother and her married son in the Ku family haveled to the breakdown of the patrilineal extended family which is sup-posed to exist for generations. Now Ku patrilineal extended family isnot functioning at all. Is the mother part of her son’s family? If so, inwhat sense? Obviously, the aging mother is not taken care of by herson and his wife, although the son has sent money to her. When theson emigrated to New Zealand, the mother was not included in theson’s “family.” Also, after emigration, the son no longer took on therole of the successor who represents the family to the extended kincommunity and to society.

Further, the cases studied in this article show that despite theideology of jip as a patrilineal extended family, which excludes mar-ried daughters, married daughters could not remain “outsiders” totheir natal family in practice. They often interfered with the relation-ship between a mother and a married brother. They watched to seewhether their mother was well taken care of by the son and his wife.Conversely, the parents could not treat the married daughter as an“outsider.” When the married daughter had a hard time adjusting toher husband’s family, they helped her cope with these problems.This is to say that the break of mother-son solidarity is not just anindividual matter between the mother and the son but a matter oftransaction and negotiation between the husband’s family and thewife’s family. With more interference from the wife’s family, whichprovides an often extravagant honsu to the husband’s family, theson’s wife is no longer subject to absolute subordination to her moth-


er-in-law. In a way, the recent increase of honsu can be seen asmaterial compensation for the mother’s loss of control over her son.The weakening of the alliance between mother and son goes hand inhand with the emergence of a matrilateral bias as found in bilateralkinship.

RREEFFEERREENNCCEESS

Beardsley, R. K., J. W. Hall, and R. E. Ward. 1959. Village Japan. Chicago:University of Chicago Press.

Brandt, Vincent S. R. 1971. A Korean Village: Between Farm and Sea. Cam-bridge: Harvard University Press.

De Vos, George. 1960. “The Relation of Guilt towards Parents to Achieve-ment and Arranged Marriage among the Japanese.” Psychiatry 23: 287-301.

Dix, Griffin. 1977. “The East Asian Country of Propriety: Confucianism in aKorean Village.” Ph.D. diss., University of California Press.

Janelli, Roger L., and Dawnhee Yim Janelli. 1982. Ancestor Worship andKorean Society. Stanford: Stanford University Press.

Song, Sunhee. 1982. “Kinship and Lineage in Korean Society.” Ph.D. diss.,Indiana University.

Wolf, Margaret. 1970. “Child Training and the Chinese Family.” In Familyand Kinship in Chinese Society, edited by M. Freedman, 129-156. Stan-ford: Stanford University Press.

Yi, Eunhee Kim. 1986. “Implications of Conjugal Role Segregation forExtrafamilial Relationships: A Network Model.” Social Networks 8: 119-147.

____________. 1993. “From Gentry to the Middle Class: The Transformation ofFamily, Community, and Gender in Korea.” Ph.D. diss., University ofChicago.

____________. 1998. “Home Is a Place to Rest: Constructing the Meaning ofWork, Family, and Gender in the Korean Middle Class.” Korea Journal38.2 (Summer): 168-213.

Yi, Gwang-gyu. 1975. “Women’s Status in the East Asian Patriarchal Fami-ly.” In Hanguk gajok-ui gujo bunseok (An Analysis of Structure of theKorean Family), 401-419. Seoul: Iljisa Publishing House.



chinjeongChuseokgimjanghonsujeongjesa

jiban iljipSeollalsijipultari

친정

추석

김장

혼수

정

제사

집안 일

집

설날

시집

울타리

GGLLOOSSSSAARRYY

mothers and sons in modern korea

Documents

traditional korean family

koreanpatrilineal family

fathers jip

branch family line

jip inpublic

married sons nuclear

husbands jip sijip

korean economy