module three540/week3... · communication skills and methods. according to michael smalley, almost...

Communication in Relationships1

Module Three

Rapid Relationship Connection Strategies for Coaches Dwight Bain M.A. ..................................................................................................................................................... 2

Connecting: Communication and Effective Listening Skills Eric Scalise Ph.D. .................................................................................................................................................... 6

LUV Talk: A Communication Method for the Rest of Us Michael Smalley, Ph.D. ...................................................................................................................................... 17

Communication in Relationships


Rapid Relationship Connection Strategies for

Coaches

Dwight Bain, M.A. Abstract

Dwight Bain uses multiple visual aids to connect aspects of connection strategies with the

observer. He has established creative ways to give knowledge to coaches on how to broadcast

who they are and what they do with/for potential clients.

Learning Objectives

1. Participants will be able to identify strategies for connecting with clients. 2. Participants will be able to identify the way God uses connections to change the lives

of people.

3. Participants will be able to use professional insight into what each stage of the processes of connecting looks like in their coaching practice.


I. Seven Strategies Needed To Connect With People

A. Connection/Community

1. You must understand the power and the need for connection.

2. You are looking for what things are common between you and your potential client.

B. Research

3. Learn to use Google Alerts and other forms of research.

C. Equipping

4. You must be equipped—continually improving and growing.

D. Listening

5. Ask open ended questions.

6. Ask a question and listen to the answer.

E. Attraction

7. Try to find what things will attract a potential client.

F. Technology

8. Use technology to your advantage.

9. Do not be afraid to be technologically advanced.


G. Encouragement

10. Come alongside and add value to someone else.

11. Give someone courage.

II. Concluding Thoughts

H. Your net-worth does not equal your self-worth if you are a believer in Christ.

I. There may be someone out there praying and searching for answer and you, as a

coach, may be that answer.


Bibliography/ Reading List

Pink, D. H. (2005). A whole new mind: Why right-brainers will rule the future. New York, NY:

Riverhead Books.


Connecting: Communication and Effective

Listening Skills

Eric Scalise, Ph.D.

Abstract

Listening is an important skill that you as a relationship coach must master in order to be

effective with a client. Dr. Eric Scalise presents some key elements to communication and the

differences between communication and listening for men and women.

Learning Objectives

1. Participants will be able to discern gender differences in brain structure, cognition, and

communication.

2. Participants will be able to identify a sequence of communication.

3. Participants will be able to identify the components that make up effective communication.


I. Introduction

A. Communication is a vital component and process to having healthy relationship.

B. We were created for relationships

C. Men and Women communicate differently, listen differently and process differently.

Darling!!!!

How are you?

I don 't

want to talk

about it!

II. Differences Between Men and Women

D. Biological differences: brain structures

1. The average man has less connectivity tissue between their right and left hemisphere of their brain. (corpus collosum).

2. As a result of testosterone flooding (around the seventh week of gestation)

men tend to use one side of the brain at a time and women can use both. 3. Men have 20 times the level of testosterone that a woman has.


4. Women have 10 times the receptor cells in their skin.

E. Cognitive differences

5. Men tend to think more vertically while women think more horizontally (men=win/lose; women=win/win).

F. Relational differences

6. Men tend to look for separateness and independence

7. Women tend to look for connectedness and interdependence.

G. Communication differences

8. Men-linear; logic and sequence (use approximately 12,000 words daily).

9. Women - (use approximately 25,000 words a day).

H. Problem solving differences

10. Women tend to want to talk through a problem until they find a solution. 11. Men would rather get away from the issue and “tinker” until they get a

solution.


III. Components of a Communication Sequence

I. I know what I want to tell somebody.

J. I verbalize the message.

K. Body language adds to the message.

L. You hear what I communicated.

M. You internally process it. You interpret it.

12. Communication can break down at any point of the process.

Message.....Scan.....Code.....Transmit.....

.....Receive.....Decode.....Reconstruct.....Message

R E L A T I O N S H I P

IV. Communication

N. Nonverbal communication

13. Makes up about 55% of all communication.

Proverbs 27:19 – "As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects

man."

O. Tone


14. Makes up about 38% of communication.

Proverbs 15:1 – "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up

anger."

P. Verbal communication

15. Makes up only 7% of communication

16. Verbal Communication is the actual words or verbal expression we have.

Proverbs 12:18 – "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but

the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Q. Body language

17. It is eight times louder than our words. 18. The louder message drowns out the message that was intended.

R. There are around 28 different meanings on average per word in the Oxford English

Dictionary.

V. Knowledge/Wisdom – Proverbs 15:2

S. Knowledge is the “what” of communication.

T. Wisdom is the “how.”


VI. Who We Are in Christ Makes a Difference

U. A witness vs. Witnessing - Acts 1:8

19. “You shall be My witness”

V. A letter from Christ - 2 Corinthians 3:1-3

20. “You are a letter of Christ”

VII. Document Technique in Coaching

W. Ask the client to describe the type of document he or she would be, what the message

of their life is.

X. Love story

Y. Mystery novel

Z. Drama

AA. Tragedy

BB. Sunday comics

VIII. Listening

CC. Listening is an active process


DD. Important listening techniques

21. Paraphrasing - as I listen to you talk I can give back to you the essence of what you said.

22. Reflect - tracking what is going on emotionally (what is going on behind the words.)

Key Active Listening Techniques

TECHNIQUE PURPOSE WHAT TO DO EXAMPLES

CLARIFYING To convey interest

and keep the person

talking.

Don't agree or

disagree. Use non-

committal words with

positive tone of voice.

"I see..."

"Uh - huh..."

"That's interesting"

RESTATING To show that you are

listening and

understand the facts.

Restate basic ideas,

emphasizing the facts.

"If I understand,

your idea is..."

"In other words, this

is your decision."

REFLECTING To show that you are

listening and under-

stand the person's

feelings.

Reflect the person's

basic feelings

"You feel..."

"You were pretty

angry about this..."

SUMMARIZING To pull important

ideas, facts, feelings

etc. together.

To review progress

and establish a basis

for further discussion.

Restate, reflect and

summarize major

ideas and feelings.

"These then are the

key points you

brought up..."

"If I understand you:

you feel this way

because"

EE. We think about four times faster than we talk.

FF. Barriers to effective listening

23. On-and-Off listening

Isaiah 50:4 – "The Lord has given me the tongue of disciples, that I may

know how to sustain the weary one with a word. He awakens me morning by

morning; He awakens my ear to listen as a disciple."


24. Red-Flag listening- Matador waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Psalm 86:15 – "But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth."

25. Fact listening - Proverbs 14:3

Proverbs 14:13a – "Even in laughter the heart may be in pain."

26. Speaker-Centered listening

1 Samuel 16:7b – "…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

27. Too-Deep-for-Me listening

Proverbs 9:10 – “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

28. Open-Ears/Closed-Mind listening

Proverbs 1:5 – “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.”

IX. Wilson Bentley

GG. Snowflake man

HH. Pioneered the technology to capture the form of ice crystals

X. Perception

II. Important because we need to be able to think and act out of the box.


29. What goes inside of my box?

JJ. “God routinely operates outside of my box”

30. Culture; education; life experience

KK. John 9- The man healed by Jesus’ spit. Related to the culture of the Awa Indians and

brought them to salvation.

LL. Be opened to God operating bigger than you are.

XI. Areas Of Self

MM. Free activity (Public portion)

NN. Avoided or hidden area (I know this but you don’t-- The private self or safety zone).

OO. Blind area (Bad breath zone- an area that I don’t see).

PP. Unknown activity (The God zone)


I Area Of

Free

Activity

III Blind

Area

II Avoided

Or

Hidden

Area

IV Area

Of

Unknown

Activity

Known to Self Not Known to Self

Known to

Others

Not Known

to Others

Under Conditions

of Self-Disclosure

Under Conditions

of Feedback

Under Conditions of

Self-Disclosure & Feedback

I III

II IV

I III

II IV

I III

II IV

XII. Intimacy

QQ. Broken down as Into-Me-See.

RR. I am allowing other people to see me.

XIII. Concluding Thoughts

SS. Communication


31. Skill-based

32. Skills are something we can learn.


LUV Talk: A Communication Method for the

Rest of Us

Michael Smalley Ph.D.

Abstract

The battle between the sexes began in the garden as a consequence of the fall. Michael Smalley

discusses one of the most powerful methods to eliminating divorce - learning how to

communicate during conflict. Listen, Understand and Validation (LUV) Talk gives the

participant knowledge, skills, and structure on how to argue effectively where the couple can

reach a win/win agreement. If a person knows how to make an order at a McDonald’s drive-thru

window, then he/she already knows how to LUV Talk.

Learning Objectives:

1. Participants will be able to discuss the need for proper communication in marriage.

2. Participants will be able to use the LUV Talk communication method.

3. Participants will be able to acknowledge the employee/customer concept in

communication between spouses.


I. Introduction

Researchers can predict up to 93% accuracy as to who will divorce based upon the couple’s

communication skills and methods. According to Michael Smalley, almost all divorce occurs

because of a lack of communication and resolution skills. The essence of LUV Talk is it gives

guidelines to conflict in communication and help to lead to a resolution.

II. The LUV Talk Communication Method

A. Listen

1. Whole body

2. Non verbal

3. Eyes

B. Understand

1. Ask questions

2. Repeat what one has heard

C. Validation

1. Set aside one’s own feelings and needs.

2. Try to truly understand and appreciate one’s spouse’s position.


III. Employees and Customers

A. Employee’s Job is to LUV

1. Listen

2. Understand

3. Validate

B. Customer’s Responsibility

1. Talk for oneself using “I” statements only describing feelings and needs.

2. Be clear and concise.

C. Conflict is a doorway to intimacy

1. Surface events.

2. Must lead to resolution.

D. Must switch between employer and customer role

3. Object of designation.


IV. As a Coach

A. Keep the “Rules” Handy

1. No arguing during designated fun time.

2. Call time out when things escalate.

B. Helps couples stay on track

C. Stress importance of LUV Talk

V. Concluding Thoughts


Bibliography/Reading List

Markman, H., & Stanley, S. (1996). Fighting for Your Marriage. San Francisco, CA:

Jossey-Bass.

Smalley, G & Smalley, G.(2000). Bound by Honor. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House

Publishers.

Stanley, S. (1998). A Lasting Promise. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass

module three540/week3... · communication skills and methods. according to michael smalley, almost...

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