modern family - full-phil-ment

MODERN FAMILY

"Full-Phil-ment"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a

toilet, staring into space, looking confused, distracted,

and possibly insane.

Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameron

knocks on the door. The Plumber still doesn’t react.

CAMERON

Hello?

The Plumber looks at the toilet confused, thinking that’s

where Cameron’s voice came from. He leans towards the toilet

bowl.

PLUMBER

(into toilet)

Hi.

CAMERON

Actually, I’m over here by the

door.

The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.

PLUMBER

Right.

CAMERON

Uh. How you doing in there?

PLUMBER

Good. How are you?

CAMERON

I’m good. So, how’s the toilet?

PLUMBER

Well. In layman’s terms, your

toilet isn’t working, ’cause the

son of a bitch won’t flush. How are

you?

CAMERON

I’m still good. And, uh, I actually

already knew that the son of a

bitch won’t flush.

PLUMBER

What--you think you’re a plumber?

2.

CAMERON

No. That’s why I called you over.

You know. So you could get the son

of a bitch to flush.

The Plumber looks at the toilet. He then grabs a plunger,

and begins using it violently on the toilet. Finally, he

sits down next to the toilet, and looks back at Cameron.

PLUMBER

My wife. She’s sleeping with my

cousin.

CAMERON

Oh. That’s, uh... you know, you and

your wife are a great couple.

You’ll overcome this.

PLUMBER

You don’t know us.

CAMERON

... Can I get you something to

drink? I just bought a bottle of

fresh pomegranate juice.

PLUMBER

Pour it down the drain, and bring

me some liquor.

CAMERON

How about a nice, refreshing can of

light beer?

PLUMBER

How about a big, dirty bottle of

whiskey?

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil walks in through the front door. A second later, Claire

walks in through the kitchen.

CLAIRE

Hi honey.

They kiss.

CLAIRE

Why are you home so early?

3.

PHIL

You know the house on Oak Street?

Sold!

CLAIRE

You sold a $2 million home!

PHIL

Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat

twice?

CLAIRE

Phil--I don’t know what that means.

PHIL

That means the home on Miller

Street--also sold!

CLAIRE

You sold another $2 million home?

PHIL

Did Michael Jordan three-peat

twice?

CLAIRE

Absolutely! Wow, Phil! You’re on

fire! You gotta get on your phone

and do some more selling.

PHIL

I’m actually gonna take a few days

off to...

CLAIRE

You gotta keep the momentum going.

It’s like you’re Michael Jordan,

you’ve scored 50 points, the game

is tied, and you just got a pass

from John Elway. Shoot the ball!

PHIL

You might want to make a few tweaks

to that analogy. Because Michael

Jordan shot basketballs, and John

Elway passed footballs.

CLAIRE

Fine. You’re playing blackjack, and

the dealer just gave you 11. Double

down!

4.

PHIL

Is the dealer John Elway?

CLAIRE

Sure. Whatever.

PHIL

... Why would John Elway be dealing

blackjack cards?

CLAIRE

The point is, you should go with

the momentum, and keep selling.

PHIL

... Honey. Let’s talk about...

Purpose. Passion. Fulfillment.

CLAIRE

OK.

PHIL

I sold two homes today.

CLAIRE

Yeah.

(puts up her hand)

High five.

He gives her a high five.

PHIL

(continues what he was saying)

And it was exciting at first, the

way I thought it would be. But then

the feeling died down. The

fulfillment just wasn’t there. And,

I mean, who is Phil, if Phil

doesn’t have fulfill-ment?

CLAIRE

Um. What?

PHIL

Let me state that another way. I

want to add the full-ment to

Phil. Do the math. Full-ment plus

Phil equals full-Phil-ment.

CLAIRE

Well. Right now, Phil sounds like

he’s full of something.

5.

PHIL

Honey. I want to change careers.

...

(puts up his hand)

High five.

CLAIRE

When Michael Jordan got a pass in

the championship game, I don’t

think he walked off the court and

said, "I’m not playing basketball

anymore. I mean, I want to add

full-ment to Michael.

Full-Michael-ment."

PHIL

(flips over his hand, looks at

his palm, and then puts down

his hand)

I’m just saying. I made a lot of

money today. We can live on that

money, while I try out a new

career.

CLAIRE

Phil--we’ve talked about this. You

can’t be a magician. Or a gigolo.

PHIL

I can be an artist. ... I’m gonna

paint. Paintings. With paint.

(puts up his hand)

High five!


(Documentary Scene interview)

PHIL

(to camera)

Let me put it this way. The ball

has been passed to me, and now I’m

gonna shoot. Only the ball ins’t a

ball. It’s a paintbrush. Oh--and

I’m not gonna shoot it. I’m gonna,

you know. Paint with it.

6.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Gloria is talking to Manny.

GLORIA

Do you have any idea why Jay has

been playing video games so much?

MANNY

Mom. Let me explain something to

you about my relationship with Jay.

I don’t understand him, he doesn’t

understand me. That’s the delicate

balance of nature that allows this

ecosystem to work.

GLORIA

He’s a man in his 60s, and he

bought himself one of those

box-boxes.

MANNY

You mean x-boxes?

GLORIA

Whatever. He’s always playing the

box-box. He was up till 1 am

yesterday.

MANNY

Well--the good news is that he

doesn’t go to bed at 8 pm, like

most people his age. I mean, you’re

in your party years, he’s in his

Social Security years--but you’re

still living in the same time zone.

GLORIA

You think I’m still in my party

years?

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Cameron is on the phone.

INT. MITCH’S OFFICE - DAY

Mitch answers his phone.

7.

MITCH

Yeah.

(Back and forth between Mitch & Cameron’s Home and Mitch’s

Office)

CAMERON

(quietly)

I got a bit of a problem involving

the plumber. He’s been here for two

hours.

MITCH

Our toilet must be really broken.

CAMERON

Well. The son of a bitch won’t

flush. But what’s really broken is

the plumber’s head. The son of a

bitch won’t think.

MITCH

Have you tried using a plunger on

it?

CAMERON

The plumber’s acting crazy, and

talking about how his wife is

cheating on him. I asked him to

leave--but he said that he wanted

to finish the job. Should I call

the cops?

MITCH

Yes, Cam. Contact the division of

Internal Affairs and Toilets.

CAMERON

Mitch!

MITCH

Just go to the bathroom and have a

man-to-man chat with the plumber.

CAMERON

I treed that. He thought my voice

was coming from the toilet! And

that was before he started drinking

our whiskey.

8.


Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and he’s

working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to

the TV viewer throughout the episode.) He’s wearing a scarf

and flip flops.

Claire is sitting nearby on the sofa, watching TV. Haley

walks in.

HALEY

Hi mom.

CLAIRE

Hi sweetie.

Haley sees Phil.

HALEY

Um. Hi dad.

Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then

turns around and continues working on his painting.

HALEY

(to Claire)

Uh. Two questions, mom. What’s for

dinner?

CLAIRE

Spaghetti.

HALEY

And, uh, which mental institute

should we put dad in?

Phil turns around.

PHIL

Honey. I have a creative life that

balances out my overall life. I

have balance. When you think about

it, that actually makes me saner

than the rest of you. I’m not

insane. Unless by "insanity," you

mean that I’m in a state of sanity.

I’m in sanity. How did I get there?

Through work that brings

fulfillment. Fulfillment. Insanity.

Insanity. Fulfillment.

He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his

painting.

9.

HALEY

I was kind of with you until that

whole part about the somersault.

PHIL

Spaghetti!

Phi continues working on his painting.

CLAIRE

(to Haley)

Honey. We’re still looking for the

right mental institute.


(Documentary Interview Scene)

CLAIRE

Apparently, Phil has entered his

post modernist phase. It’s marked

by vibrant colors and acrobatic

behavior.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,

good looking) is a few feet away from her.

COLLIN

I’ve been here for five minutes. I

have no idea which bread to buy.

Like, what should I look for in a

loaf bread?

GLORIA

I don’t know. I’ve been buying the

same kind for five years.

COLLIN

I’m still trying to find the right

one.

She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.

GLORIA

Well... I think you should keep

looking.

10.

COLLIN

You have the most amazing voice.

Any time I hear you say something,

I want you to just keep on talking.

GLORIA

(confuses / surprised)

What?

COLLIN

Say "what" again.

GLORIA

Are you doing the scene from Pulp

Fiction?

COLLIN

What?

GLORIA

"Say ’what’ again." You know.

That’s what Samuel L. Jackson said

in Pulp Fiction

COLLIN

I’ve never seen that movie.

GLORIA

Yeah. It’s a little before your

time.

COLLIN

Maybe we can watch it together.

GLORIA

I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my

husband.

COLLIN

If you were my wife, you know what

I’d do?

GLORIA

I’m afraid to ask.

COLLIN

I’d rush home every day to hear

your voice.

GLORIA

You’re laying it on a little

thick--don’t you think?

11.

COLLIN

I’ll bet your husband doesn’t

appreciate your voice. I’ll be he

never asks you about your day and

then listens. Am I right?

GLORIA

... How old are you?

COLLIN

You’re avoiding my question.

GLORIA

You’re avoiding my question. How

old are you?

COLLIN

I’m an adult.

GLORIA

How adult are you? Put an age on

your adult.

COLLIN

You see that six pack of Coronas

over there? I’m old enough to buy

it.

GLORIA

Well. I’m old enough to buy a 12

pack.

COLLIN

So you’re also 21?

GLORIA

I turned 21 in the 90s. The decade

when I was watching Pulp Fiction,

and you were watching Spongebob.

COLLIN

Let’s focus on this decade. The one

where I’m a man who watches 20/20,

and you’re a woman who watches

20/20.

GLORIA

I’m a married woman. Who watches

Destilando Amor and Wheel of

Fortune.

12.


The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,

finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.

PLUMBER

Can your bring over some more

whiskey?+

CAMERON

Well. We have actually have a three

drink maximum in this

bathroom--’cause we don’t want

anyone to drown in the toilet

water. So, um, how about I drop you

off at a liquor store?

PLUMBER

I’m still not done fixing your

toilet.

CAMERON

That’s OK. You can take it home

with you, and then fix it and bring

it back to me.

The Plumber looks at Cameron’s wedding ring.

PLUMBER

Is your wife cheating on you?

CAMERON

I doubt it. I mean, we’re

newlyweds--not to mention the fact

that my wife is a husband.

PLUMBER

You mean both of you are homos?

CAMERON

Well. In layman’s terms, yes-both

of us are homos.

PLUMBER

Right. Yeah. I actually detected a

lot of gayness from you. But I’m

just so distracted with my

marriage, that I forgot about your

gayness.

CAMERON

That’s interesting. You’re the

first person to ever forget about

my gayness after detecting it.

13.

PLUMBER

You know, I’ve never had a

conversation with a gay before.

CAMERON

Wow. That’s very surprising.

Especially considering how you just

referred to two gay men as "homos,"

and one gay man as "a gay."


The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.

CLAIRE

Hi dad.

JAY

Hi. I came to hang out with Luke.

CLAIRE

Really? That’s great. He’s in his

room.

JAY

Alright.

He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and

examines Phil painting shirtless.

JAY

(to Claire)

Uh...

CLAIRE

He sold $4 million worth of homes

today.

JAY

Great. That explains nothing.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY

Jay walks in.

JAY

Time for a rematch.

LUKE

It’s on.

14.

JAY

You’re darn tootin’ it’s on. It’s

on like Donkey Kong.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)

JAY

(to camera)

In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell

and Claire to the arcade. 323,915

points. That was my Pac-Man high

score. I set the arcade’s record

back in 82. But a month ago, I

played a few games of Madden with

Luke. He beat me. And now it’s on.

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Actually--it’s on like Pac-Man. I

even ate bananas and cherries in

preparation for this. ... I have

problems. I know.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria in on her cell phone.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY

Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jay’s

phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.

JAY

Hello.

(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Luke’s Room)

GLORIA

Some guy is flirting with me.

JAY

Flirting? Like, is he harassing

you?

GLORIA

No. It’s much more serious than

that. He’s complimenting me.

15.

JAY

What?

GLORIA

Say "what" again, Jay! Say "what"

again!

JAY

What? I mean, um. Honey. Did you

tell this guy that you’re married?

GLORIA

Yes. He continued to flirt. He’s in

the frozen foods section right now,

and I’m in cereal--but I think he’s

gonna talk to me again later. Soon.

JAY

You have your pepper spray?

GLORIA

Yes.

JAY

Great. Use it.

GLORIA

I’m not gonna pepper spray him just

for flirting with me.

JAY

You don’t have to spray the whole

bottle in his eyes. Just give him

one spray in the general vicinity,

and he’ll get the point.

GLORIA

He said that he likes my voice.

JAY

... What?

GLORIA

Jay. Don’t say "what" again. My

voice. He said he likes it. He said

it’s like music to his ears.

JAY

Well. In that case, you should

probably marry him.

16.

GLORIA

Jay!

JAY

Gloria. Just leave the supermarket.

GLORIA

But we need groceries.

JAY

We can eat out. I hear IHOP serves

a magnificent dish called a Rooty

Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity.

GLORIA

Jay--you should come down here and

make sure this guy knows we’re

together, so he won’t get so fresh

and fruity with me.

JAY

That’s not what fruity means.

GLORIA

Jay!

JAY

Gloria--I’d love to come down there

and throw Pop Tarts at your new

boyfriend. But right now, I’m

spending quality time with Luke.

GLORIA

Oh. Well. I guess that’s a good

excuse.

JAY

It’s a great excuse.

GLORIA

OK. I love you.

JAY

I love you, too.

He hangs up.

JAY

OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.

Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.

17.

LUKE

Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time

you play me, make sure you stretch

your quads before kickoff.

Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.

LUKE

Like this.

JAY

That’s it. I’m taking you out of my

will.


The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants

on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey

bottle.

CAMERON

More whiskey?

PLUMBER

Fill ’er up.

Lily walks in.

LILY

Daddy--are you done with your

playdate? It’s been, like, a

million hours.

CAMERON

No, honey. We’re still drinking

pretend alcohol.

LILY

And playing pretend toilet?

CAMERON

No. Playing pretend toilet would be

very inappropriate. This is pretend

bartender. You know. I’m working at

a bar, and he’s sitting at a bar.

LILY

Oh.

She walks up to the Plumber.

18.

LILY

It’s my turn to sit at the bar.

The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.

LILY

(to Cameron)

OK, bartender. I’ll have a glass of

orange juice.

The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of

everything.

CAMERON

(to Lily)

One glass of orange juice. Coming

up.

He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.

PLUMBER

(to Lily)

You want some whiskey in that

orange juice?

CAMERON

No. No she doesn’t. In this

establishment, we don’t serve

pretend whiskey to minors.

PLUMBER

She can pretend to be an adult.

CAMERON

And you can pretend to be a

plumber.

PLUMBER

(to Lily)

My wife is cheating on me.

LILY

Daddy--what is he talking about?

CAMERON

His wife cheats whenever they play

Go Fish.

LILY

(to Plumber)

Your wife shouldn’t cheat.

19.

PLUMBER

Yes! You’re right. You understand.

You know, if you were 30 years

older, I’d leave my wife and marry

you.

LILY

Well maybe you can find a wife at

the bar.

(points to an imaginary women)

Like that woman over there.

PLUMBER

She looks like a gold digger.

LILY

What’s a gold digger?

CAMERON

It’s someone who digs to find gold.

LILY

Oh. Let’s play that.

She does some imaginary digging.

LILY

Look! I found gold! Lots of gold.

Daddy--I’m a gold digger!

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and he’s

holding a box.

PHIL

I got you something.

CLAIRE

OK. Before I open it, let me ask

you a question. Does this box

contain your ear?

PHIL

What? No.

CLAIRE

Then why are you wearing that hat?

PHIL

Honey. I’m in a creative field. So

sometimes I wear a hat, or

(MORE)

20.

PHIL (cont’d)

sometimes I pet a cat, or sometimes

I catch a rat.

CLAIRE

I don’t know how to respond to

that.

PHIL

Do you think this hat makes me look

fat?

CLAIRE

What?

PHIL

Nothing. I just got carried away

with the rhyming thing. Open the

box.

CLAIRE

It’s light.

She opens it.

CLAIRE

It’s empty.

PHIL

It contains my soul.

CLAIRE

I see.

PHIL

No. You can’t see a soul.

CLAIRE

Right. So, uh, what do you want me

to do with this soul?

PHIL

Don’t you see?

CLAIRE

No. That’s the point.

He kisses her.

PHIL

We’re soul mates. And now I want

you to give me your soul.

21.

CLAIRE

OK. How after you put a cat in a

hat, I put my soul in a bowl?

PHIL

Now you get it.

CLAIRE

I don’t think I do. Phil--what hell

are we talking about?

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT

JAY

(very loudly)

30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Russell

Wilson!

He starts doing a touchdown dance.

Claire walks in and looks at Jay.

JAY

I, uh--I scored a touchdown.

CLAIRE

Yeah. I can see. You’re sweating.

JAY

It’s, uh--your home’s too

insulated. It’s hot in here.

CLAIRE

It’s not that hot. Phil is

downstairs wearing a winter hat.

Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over

again. The summer of 82. Remember

that? The rivalry you had with

Tommy Jones?

JAY

Yeah. He was the second best in

town. I was the best.

CLAIRE

You were in your thirties. He was

in fifth grade!

JAY

Pac-Man isn’t about age. It’s about

dots. And fruit.

22.

CLAIRE

Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out

downstairs. I have an insane

husband.

LUKE

Dad says that "insanity" can also

mean that you’re in a state of

sanity.

CLAIRE

Right. Yeah. Your father’s 100%

right.

(to Jay)

Dad--can you please balance out

Phil’s insanity with your own

out-sanity? Try acting a little

normal.

JAY

Absolutely. Luke--unpause the game.

Fourth quarter. Grandpa’s gonna

kick your ass.

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA

(45).

CLARA

Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?

CAMERON

Jeff?

CLARA

The plumber.

CAMERON

Right. Jeff. For some reason, he

referred to himself as Jehosophat.

CLARA

No. That’s what he calls his

plunger.

CAMERON

Oh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff are

both in the bathroom. Over there.

23.

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Clara? How did you know I was here?

CLARA

You called me ten minutes ago and

told me where you were.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Right. By the way

(looks at Cameron)

--this is... what’s your name?

CAMERON

Cameron.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Cameron. I’m Jeff.

CAMERON

OK, Jeff. Allow me to introduce

my plunger, Jebediah.

JEFF / PLUMBER

(to Clara)

Honey. This is Cameron. He’s a

homo. And he’s married.

CAMERON

(to Clara)

Hi.

CLARA

Hi.

JEFF / PLUMBER

You’re sleeping with my cousin!

CLARA

Are you drunk?

JEFF / PLUMBER

I used to be drunk on my love for

you. But now I’m just drunk on the

whiskey Jebediah gave me.

CAMERON

Um. I’m Cameron. Remember?

24.

CLARA

(to Jeff)

What makes you think that I’m

sleeping with Tony?

JEFF / PLUMBER

I wasn’t talking about Tony. I was

talking about John.

CLARA

What makes you think I’m sleeping

with John?

JEFF / PLUMBER

You both like that movie. The one

with that bearded guy. The funny

guy with the beard. You know that

movie.

CLARA

The Hangover?

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. You were both watching it and

laughing. As in, "Ha ha ha. We’re

sleeping together."

CLARA

Honey. I’m not sleeping with him. I

love you. You mean everything to

me.

JEFF / PLUMBER

The Hangover isn’t even that good.

CLARA

Well. It’s pretty good.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. It’s pretty good. But it’s

not that good. There are some funny

parts, though. I like the bearded

guy. And the Chinaman. And that

black guy. The boxer.

Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle,

which is almost empty by now.

JEFF / PLUMBER

So you’re not sleeping with John?

25.

CLARA

No.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Or Tony?

CLARA

Or Tony.

JEFF / PLUMBER

(points to Cameron)

Or this homo?

CLARA

I don’t even know this homo.

Honey--I only have eyes for you.

(to Cameron)

He’s the jealous type. This happens

every month or so.

CAMERON

Ah.

Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.

JEFF / PLUMBER

I love you, Clara. Come here.

They kiss very romantically, and don’t stop.

CAMERON

Um. I’ll just leave you alone for a

minute or two.

He closes the door.

CAMERON

Feel free to fix the toilet when

you’re done.

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whiskey bottle in

his hand.

Mitch walks in.

MITCH

So. What happened with the plumber?

26.

CAMERON

You missed the make up scene.

MITCH

The make up scene?

CAMERON

Yeah. Clara dropped by.

MITCH

Who’s Clara?

CAMERON

Jeff’s wife.

MITCH

Who’s Jeff?

CAMERON

Jeff is the plumber, Clara is his

wife, and Jehosophat is his

plunger. And it turns out that

Clara wasn’t sleeping with John. Or

Tony. Or this homo.

MITCH

Are you talking about Days of Our

Lives?

CAMERON

No. Days of our bathroom.


Jay is on the phone with Gloria.

JAY

Hey, honey. I’m done with my

quality time. I won 17-14 in

overtime. I might’ve cheated,

though.


(Earlier / Flashback)

Jay knocks the controller out of Luke’s hand.

LUKE

Hey!

27.


GLORIA (V.O.)

Oh.

JAY

Is that guy still flirting with

you?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

GLORIA

No. I’m on my way home.

(Back and forth between the Car and Luke’s Room)

JAY

You know, I’m kind of in the mood

to have it out with him now. Did

you get his license plate number or

anything?

GLORIA

I don’t think he’s old enough to

drive. Jay--let me ask you

something. Do you want to hear

about how my day was?

JAY

Absolutely.

GLORIA

Do you want to hear it in my voice?

JAY

I want to hear everything in your

voice. I don’t understand half of

what you’re saying, but I like the

sound of it all.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a

wall.

PHIL

(announcing to the rest of the

home)

Everyone come here! It’s time for

the art exhibit!

Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.

28.

Luke and Jay come down the stairs.

JAY

This should be interesting.

Alex walks in through the front door.

PHIL

Alex. Perfect timing.

ALEX

Um. What did I miss?

CLAIRE

Long story.

HALEY

(to Alex)

Short version: dad’s insane.

LUKE

But only because he’s in sanity.

CLAIRE

Oh. And he’s adding full-ment to

Phil. Don’t forget that part.

ALEX

OK. That explains nothing.

PHIL

(addressing everyone)

OK, guys. I know I’ve been acting a

little weird today.

JAY

No weirder than usual.

PHIL

I just--I realized that I wanted to

do more than sell homes. Or do

magic. I mean, I’m not abandoning

real estate. Or magic. Or being a

gigolo. But anyways. Without

further ado. Here it is.

He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It

still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)

HALEY

That’s... good.

29.

ALEX

I’m still not clear on what’s going

on right now. What exactly is

full-ment?

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

(referring to painting)

I like it. I mean, I also like it

when you sell $4 million in homes

per day. But it’s a nice painting.

JAY

I gotta say. It’s a great painting.

PHIL

Do you mean, it, Jay?

JAY

Absolutely. You know what? I’d be

honored if you’d let me buy it, and

hang it in my home. Now, I can’t

give you $4 million for it.

PHIL

How about 3.9 million?

JAY

Sold. Send me the bill.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

Wow. You’re really on a roll,

honey. That brings you up to $7.9

million for the day. Go sell

something else.

Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

JAY

Alex. Open the door for me.

Alex opens it.

Jay walks out with the painting.

ALEX

Hm. So. What’s for dinner?

HALEY

Spaghetti!

modern family - full-phil-ment

Documents

youre michael jordan

cameron walks

dealer john elway

claireyou gotta

youre onfire

phildid michael jordan

passfrom john elway

cameronim good