MMUN The Bunny PapersVOLUME VII ISSUE 5 MMUN.ORG Saturday, February 23, 2013

Random Facts

1. In paintings of Adam and Eve, they have belly buttons. Why?

2. Buttons on women’s clothing are on the opp­osite side of men’s because servants would dress the women.

3. The horse of a different color in The Wizard of Oz is four different colors covered in jello powder.

4. The name United Na­tions came about while Winston Churchill was in the bathtub. Franklin D. Roosevelt rolled in and said that the Allied Nations of World War II should be United Nations.

5. The newspaper serv­ing Frostbite Falls, Minn., the home of Rocky and Bullwinkle, is the Picayune Intelligence.

6. San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

7. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39­23­33.

8. 2013 is the 50th anni­versary of Doctor Who.

9. A century from now, Facebook will have 500 million accounts of dead people.

10. The lions that were used in the MGM logo did not kill any of their trainers.

11. Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets.

12. While Joan of Arc was commander of the French army, she never actively participated in a battle.

13. Egyptian women had a wide range of rights and freedoms, from buying and selling land to serving on juries and entering legal contracts.

14. Pigs can suffer from a fear of dirt.

15. George Washing­ton grew marijuana in his garden.

16. The king of hearts is the only king in a deck of cards without a must ache.

17. You see your nose at all times, your brain choos­es to ignore it.

18. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all of them.

19. The full name of the city of Los Angeles is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula,” and can be abbreviated to 3.63 percent of its size, “L.A.”

20. The 50 states weren’t the only ones asking for ad­mission to the US. Franklin, Deseret, Jefferson, Absorka and Sequoyah were also considered.

Conference comes to end

AP/HEATHER STROJEKDelegates of ECOSOC caucus outside committee Saturday during the last day of the 53rd annual Mid­west Model United Nations conference.

Martian UN passes resolutionPlanet Earth to use Mars to solve small arms and weapons problem

ITAR TASSThe governing body of the plan­

et Mars approved a resolution call­ing on its member states to launch a manned expedition to planet Earth at the first opportunity.

The body met and deliberated on the subject after receiving re­ports that the First Committee of the Earth United Nations had been preparing a “Go to Mars” resolu­tion of a similar nature.

The First Committee examined Mars as an option for reducing the problem of illicitly traded small arms and light weapons. The working paper was not brought to the floor but gained some popular­ity among the delegates.

Martian delegates said that go­ing to Earth was a matter of plan­etary security.

“Based on our intelligence re­ports, any place humans visit is inevitably doomed,” the delegate from the Syrtis Major Hive said.

“The United Martian Nations has decided that it has to be the one to strike first, before the humans show up with Starbucks and ruin the neighborhood,” the delegate from the Mare Sirenum Hive said.

The resolution calls for the pool­ing of resources and knowledge from all Martian nations into the program, with the intent of estab­lishing an advance base on the surface of the Earth. The advance base is designed to allow the Unit­ed Martian Nations to monitor the

Zodiac signs nixed for UN-issued identity cards

EL UNIVERSALThe United Nations Economic

and Social Committee unanimous­ly approved a resolution to devel­op a how­to guide for UN peace­keepers titled, “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”

The resolution, introduced by the delegate from Slovakia, called on appropriate UN agencies to provide peacekeepers with pick­up lines that are “culturally sensi­tive and that will totally work.”

“They won’t be sleazy. They’ll all be really classy. I promise,” the delegate from Slovakia said in a speech introducing the proposal.

He then provided several specif­ic examples while gazing intently at the delegate from Israel.

“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again,” he said.

The delegate from Israel then rolled her eyes.

“’Do you have a map,” he said, pausing before adding, “Because I just got lost in your eyes.”

In response, Israel cracked a small, uncertain smile.

In a surprising breach of deco­rum, the delegate from Cuba rose,

ran across the chamber and de­livered a powerful high five to the delegate from Slovakia.

“Aww yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout,” he said.

“You’re my boy, brah! You rollin’ peppah,” he added before return­ing to his seat.

Before the delegate from Slo­vakia continued several delegates expressed admiration for the sec­ond line delivered by Slovakia.

“It’s super cool because it starts off like something a peacekeeper might say,” the delegate from Mali said.

“That’s what made it so awe­some,” the delegate from the North Korea agreed, “Although Supreme Leader Kim Jong­un would have doubtless improved upon its es­sence. That guy, he’s like magic.”

“Effing pimptacular,” the dele­gate from Netherlands added.

Delegates then offered a num­ber of amendments in efforts to improve the proposal.

Several delegates argued that while the 57 suggestions made by the Slovakian delegate were fine examples of the genre, the idiom­

AP/HEATHER STROJEKSecurity Council South works together during the last session of the 53rd annual Midwest Model United Nations conference in St. Louis.

Peacekeepers to get how-to guide Pick-up lines have global appeal

EL UNIVERSALAfter unanimously approving a

resolution titled “Classy Pick­up Lines that Always Totally Work,” the United Nations Economic and Social Committee debated the merits of adding astrological signs to ID cards issued by the UN High Commissioner for Refugees.

This would clarify the specific contents of the biographical data that appears on the biometric ID cards currently issued by the UN­HCR in a number of countries.

“This idea is totally ballin’,” the delegate from Slovakia said.

Despite initial enthusiasm for

the program, which was outlined in the “Don’t Be Hatin’ No Playas” working paper, the measure failed to secure a majority vote.

Consensus proved elusive due to divisions that led to the forma­tion of regional blocs supporting different astrological systems.

The largest bloc formed in sup­port of the use of the Greek zodiac.

“Because, I’m like totally a Sag­ittarius,” the delegate from Co­moros said in explanation of his af­filiation with the “Zodiac Caucus.”

A smaller group of delegates, who referred to themselves as the “Secret Masters of the Shao­lin

Booty Shake,” primarily from East Asian and small island nations, advocated the use of the Chinese calendar.

“It’s year of the snake, mother*****r,” the Chinese del­egate said.

The Indian delegate attempted to form a third bloc in support of Hindu astrological systems by pre­senting a lengthy and technical speech.

“So we can see that Hora is the predictive branch of the traditional system known as Jyotisa, which makes it distinct from Siddhanta

UN tries to preemptively prevent alien invasions

THE TIMESThe possibility of creating an in­

terplanetary space force was shot down by the United Nations Secu­rity Council South.

The council debated a resolu­tion establishing the UN Space Command in order to protect Earth from threat of annihilation from sentient alien species.

Debate raged between the council members over the wording and scope of the resolution early

Saturday morning.The resolution was vetoed by

the United Kingdom, United States and China after delegates failed to reach a decision regarding the new space outfits of the UNSC.

The resolution was officially titled, “Defense of humanity from those far, far away.” Azerbaijan called for a change from the origi­nal title of “Defense of humanity

See Signs, Page 2A See Martian, Page 2A

See Guide, Page 2A See Alien, Page 2A

2A l Saturday, February 23, 2013 l MMUN World News & Report

and Samhita,” she said in her con­clusion.

A flurry placards followed as male delegates competed in their efforts to gain the chair’s recogni­tion.

The delegate from the Cuba was the first to be recognized.

“Was your dad king?” he said. “He must have been to make a princess like you.”

The delegate from Azerbaijan attempted a different tack.

“I reiterate my realization to urge you to affirm my recogni­tion of your smokin’ hotness,” she said.

“I am alarmed at your willing­ness of endorse such a cheesy come­on,” the delegate from Iran

said. “I express my hope that you uphold and affirm my recommen­dation that you get coffee with me instead.”

The delegate from Greece at­tempted to bring the issue to a vote.

“We’re not a failed state. We’re the basis for freaking Western civilization, and astrology is a predictive science,” the delegate from Greece said.

SignsContinued from page 1A

activities of the Earth nations.The resolution authorizes the

use of force in self­defense in case Earth proves unwilling to cooperate with Martian peacekeeping forces. Some delegates expressed a con­cern that Earth could prove to be dangerous for the United Martian Nations peacekeepers.

“Peacekeeping troops are only armed with light energy shielding and atomic disintegrator rays,” the delegate from the Olympus Mons

Hive said.“If Earth really tries, there is a

slight chance one of our soldiers could be inconvenienced by the humans’ pathetic weapons.”

While no locations for this base have been confirmed as of press time, possible base locations that were discussed during session in­cluded the Sahara Desert, the Ar­tic and the St. Louis suburbs.

The resolution passed 58­2 with 10 abstentions. The delegates who abstained were thrown to space wolves after the vote, in accordance with Martian interna­tional law.

atic nature of pick­up lines often makes them difficult to translate.

“‘If I could rearrange the alpha­bet, I would put U and I together.’ That’s a great line, but it’s just not going to work in areas that do not use the Roman alphabet,” the del­egate from the United Kingdom said.

Delegates also agreed that the careful calibration of pick­up lines to local levels of education was imperative.

‘“I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, be­cause together we could be one,”’ the delegate from Japan said. “You’re going to need a sizable college­educated population in or­der for that to work.”

The delegate from Mexico agreed and expressed concern about the frequency with which pick­up lines reference technolo­gies and pastimes that may not be common in many conflict zones.

“If I drop a dope line like, ‘Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot,’ it’s time for some bow­chicka­bow­bow, but if I’m in an area without a robust scouting tradition? Forget it,” she said.

The prevention of having peace­keepers “pwned like noobs,” was the objective of an unsuccessful amendment to the draft resolution calling for greater cultural sensitiv­ity.

“Many people in my nation suf­fer from a wide variety of gastro­intestinal ailments,” the delegate from Rwanda said. “Consequently, peacekeepers there should ab­stain from lines like, ‘My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in.’”

The delegate from France rose to speak against the proposed

amendment.“Diarrhea is always funny to the

right lady,” he said.A handful of delegates expressed

reservations about allocating UN resources to the project, but these concerns were quickly drowned out.

“Voluntary contributions will cer­tainly be forthcoming from my na­tion,” the Iranian delegate said.

from a galaxy far, far away” due to the possibility that aliens within the Milky Way galaxy could also pose a threat to Earth.

Russia agreed with the change, citing difficulties Earth might have with other unidentified flying ob­jects.

“As the nation most recently af­fected by incursions from outer space, we would like to protect ourselves from rocks,” the delegate from Russia said.

As part of the new agreement, nations would have created a de­fense base and colony located on the “Dark Side” of the moon.

The doctrine setting up the moon base was entitled, “All your bases belong to us.” Pakistan voiced its support for the new moon base, calling it a positive step for Earth.

“Pakistan favors this base be­cause it gives us the chance to fi­nally wipe Israel off the map,” the delegate from Pakistan said. “By moving Israel to the moon, they will no longer exist on Earth.”

India favored construction of the moon defense base, citing the need for protection from any alien invad­ers.

“We must ensure our battle sta­tions are fully operational,” the del­egate from India said.

The defense base would have housed a large rail gun capable of firing projectiles at high speeds from the moon.

“We’re looking to install a large Halolike rail gun,” the delegate from Azerbaijan said during caucus. “They’re big guns that go boom.”

The UNSC would have been overseen by a body known as the Council of 10, with a Supreme Chancellor to act as the head of the organization. One of the reasons the resolution failed was due to the debate over which nation’s delegate would become supreme chancellor.

After the delegate from China asked if she could be the first su­

preme chancellor, every other del­egate in the council simultaneously shouted, “No.”

The resolution also called for the construction of an Earth defense force to be led by a flagship desig­nated “Enterprise,” as well as es­tablishing space mining in the solar system’s asteroid belt to help pro­mote Earth’s sustainability.

Although some members de­bated use of the word “Pluto,” it is

unknown whether they were talking about the cartoon character or the ancient Roman god.

Previous discussion about ad­vanced technology was met with resistance by the council after de­mands made by Pakistan were deemed too excessive.

“We want the first lightsaber,” the delegate from Pakistan said. “We want the first lightsaber and the first blaster rifle.”

AlienContinued from page 1A

AP/HEATHER STROJEKDelegates in General Assembly plenary talk Saturday morning in St. Louis.

General Assembly Plenary

MartianContinued from page 1A

GuideContinued from page 1A